8/14/2019 Pg 2 Father Knows Best

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Sharing a team experience with a son ordaughter can be a wonderful, positiveopportunity, but it can also be a disaster.Before you embark on the endeavor,there are some areas to think throughand decisions to be made.

Pros & ConsVeteran high school and collegiatecoach Jerry Reeder is a proponentof coaching one's own child. He hascoached his two sons, and encouragesother coaches to do the same.

"It is an opportunity to share in theirsuccessesand failures, and it strengthensyour bond with your child," Reeder says.''Youcan laugh and cry with them andthat is what makes a relationship stron-ger. It is a fantastic opportunity mostparents don't get to have."

"You are not going home withthe other athletes on the teamand living with them 2417. Thesituation can put pressure onthe child and strain the parent-child relationship."There are other benefits, too. A child

can learn to understand and respectthe profession of the parent. And theparent can have new insight into hisor her child's interactions with team-mates, authority figures, and opponents.Parent-coaches can observe, in thetrenches, their child's reactions to los-ing, winning, and many other situationsthat reveal their character. It can alsohelp parents form a less biased view of .their child's abilities.

On the flip side, coaching your sonor daughter can put you, your child, andthe team in a precarious position. Themost obvious concern is the almost auto-matic reaction from others that yourchild will receive favoritism-a startingposition and playing time without hav-ing to compete for them.

Reeder felt thiswashis greatest threat.''Youhave to do your best to negate anyperceived favoritism," he says. "If youdon't, it can divide a program."

Rumors and second-guessing a coachcome quickly when the coach's childis in the starting lineup. It is oftenfueled by parents who are frustrated

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their own child is not receiving playingtime. Players on the bench may alsobegin to question why the coach's sonor daughter is playing, and most impor-tantly, question the coach's fairness.

Severalyears ago in Indiana, a basket-ball coach's son wassitting on the benchafter having just broken a county scor-ing record, when a player on the courtpassed the ball to the seated teammate.The gesture wasmeant to showthe team'sfrustration with the coach, whom manyfelt wasmaking his son the sole focus ofthe team's offense. The student sectionerupted in laughter and it turned outthat parents were also involved in initiat-ing the prank. Although those involvedwere disciplined by the school and theathlete went on to playNCAADivision Iball, I'm sure the embarrassment of the

player and coach have stayedwith them and soured the teamexperience.

The second concern comesfrom a reaction to perceivedfavoritism: being too hard onyour child. Parent-coaches canbe tougher on their kid becausethey expect more, putting morepressure on the child. The frus-tration of the child is, "Whydoyou expect more of me than

anyone else?"Coach Bill Stone at Fruitport (Mich.)

High School, who coached his daughterlast season, struggled with this dilemma.Because of his desire to seem fair, he felthe was sometimes too tough.

Coach Reeder also found himselfbeing hard on his sons. His boys wouldbe the first to sit if the game was out ofhand. He cautions that this can be det-rimental to family life, creating tensionbetween parent and child, and evenbetween spouses.

This leads to the third concern, whichis the inability of the adolescent to sepa-rate the parent's coaching role from theparenting role. At practice you may giveyour child negative feedback, thinkingwhat's on the court stayson the court. Inreality, it does not.

''You are not going home with theother athletes on the team and livingwith them 24/7," Reeder warns. ''The sit-uation can put pressure on the child andstrain the parent-child relationship."Is It Right For You?

So how do you know if the positives

will outweigh the negatives for you andyour child? To start, take some time tothink about whyyouwant to coach a teamwithyour child on it.

If the reason is to make sure yourson or daughter reaches their potentialand goes on to the next level, you maybe heading down the wrong road. If it'sbecauseyouwant to mend a difficult rela-tionship you have with your child, that'sanother misguided reason. However, ifyou have been coaching the team for awhile, your relationship withyour child ison solid ground, and you like the idea ofsharing the team experience with him orher,'you are off to a good start.

The next step isto think about how thesituation willaffect your son or daughter.Talk openly to your child about the reali-ties of coaching them, aswell as the pay-offs and pitfalls. And then, listen. Somechildren handle being coached by a par-ent better than others. Ii: is your job tofind out if your child iswillingand able.

Sometimes, a parent is eagerly antici-pating coaching their child on a varsityteam, not realizing that the child is actu-ally dreading it. Teenage years are onesof learning to be independent of yourparents, and having a parent involvedin your extracurricular activitycan causeresentment. On top of that, the childmay worry that he or she will be treateddifferently byfriends on the team ifmomor dad is coach.

In addition, discuss the situation withyour spouse. Talkhonestly about whetheryour child will be able to deal with theprospect of you being tough on them inpractice. Consider these questions:

Knowingmychild, howwillhe or sherespond to me asa coach?

Willmy child be able to separate myparent and coach roles?

HowwellwillI be able toseparate myroles as coach and parent?

Willit create strainwithin our family?In Coach Reeder's case, he knew his

boys were willing to accept the higherexpectations and the bench time. CoachStone had witnessed a situation where acoach's childwasunwillingto separate thecoach and parent roles and it turned intoa nightmare-so he took a lot of time tothink about howhis daughter would reactto certain decisions and conflicts.

Finally, assess how the parent-coachrole willwork for you. Think about whattype of coach you are and whether thatwill create strain between you and your

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