Personal StatementsEnglish IV 2014

Remember… it’s a first draft!

Small, but important details

• Be sure you have included the prompt.• More importantly, be sure you have followed the prompt. If the

prompt asks you to write two essays, write two essays. If the prompt asks you to keep to a specific word count, include that count at the top of your essay. • Unless you are applying to only one school, don’t write an essay

about how much you love that particular school. Your essay is about you – not about them.

Grammar and mechanics

• Avoid run-on sentences• Avoid fragments• Avoid slang or colloquial language.• Capitalize “I.” It’s a proper noun.• Most paragraphs are about 3-4 sentences. If you’re introducing a

new idea, it’s time to start a new paragraph.

Mechanics

• Avoid clichés: “Never give up on your dreams.” • Your reader is aware that you are writing a personal statement. You

don’t need to remind them of this.• Remember, your statement is about you – even if you’re writing about

people in your life who have inspired you. What have you done because of their inspiration?

My sister was my motivation to better myself academically and to get into school activities and clubs. I joined the golf team and book club, and during the second semester of my junior year I achieved a 4.0.

Briana Manzano, P. 2

Storytelling

• Avoid telling your reader (a college admissions officer) that you don’t want to work hard or do anything difficult, or that you have no idea what you are doing, or are going to do.• Don’t tell us that you became stronger, more focused, etc. Show the

reader by telling them a story. I don’t believe the world has shaped me to what I’ve become, or what I’m going to become. I believe the actions of people around me have allowed me to see things in my own perspective and

voice my own opinion, no matter how farfetched it may seem.Drew Crabbe, P. 1

Things to Watch Out For

• The “Yada Yada…”• Describing what changed – what inspired you to do better, to change

things, to transform yourself – can make the difference between telling the story of something you did and something that merely happened to you.

One day as I was drawing my beautiful rainbows, my dad approached my sketches and studied them. After he stared, I would never forget the look of admiration in his eyes. He was stunned that I remembered the order of the colors and how much work I put into my simple chalk art. Ever since that day, I knew that art would always be a passion of mine.

• Julia Mangini, P. 1

Describing the Change

My uncle’s grip on my hand got tighter as he basically dragged me out of the class in a fury. By the time we got to the car and were in our seats, I was crying. I didn’t know what happened; all I knew was that I’d never seen my uncle that angry. When he saw me crying, he wiped my tears and said, “Listen to me. Don’t ever let anyone tell you your limits. Don’t let anyone tell you what you are, and aren’t, capable of.Only you decide that.”

Brenda Bravo, P. 1

Describing the Change

Everything changed when I moved to Castro Valley. I remember an incident when my dad and I went to Mountain Mike’s in Castro Valley. When we went in to get some pizza, the employees were so nice to us – and there wasn’t a threat of being shot at for any reason. I didn’t realize it until my dad mentioned that to me. After that, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Harrison Boyle, P. 5

Click to insert title

Come up with a creative title that captures what your story is about – and captures the reader’s interest.• “I Hate Reading,” Mackenzie Bell, P. 2• “Extra Ordinary,” Kyle McMurry, P. 2• “My Disneyland,” Ricky Helena, P. 5

Storytelling

• Rather than presenting your resume (again), find creative ways to describe your achievements:

I don’t have any awards. What would I get one for? Do I need to get an award for being independent, responsible and a hard worker? These are all just qualities everyone should have.

Monique Braman, P. 1

Storytelling

People throughout my life have told me boys were superior to girls in the classroom and there are certain places girls do not belong. They were of the mind that only homely, secluded women could thrive in the fields of science, engineering, technology and mathematics. My life has been dedicated to proving these people wrong.

Emily Rabbitt, P. 2

Storytelling

• Remember, you’re telling your reader a story – one that helps them understand and get to know you:

My heart was beating fast. About two hundred kids stood on the starting line. I could feel the adrenaline and the nerves rushing through my body as I anticipated the starting sound of a gunshot. All the pressure was rising while I heard my teammates yelling “Go Elisse!” on the sidelines. BOOM! The race began, and I started the two-mile course.

Elisse Martinez, P. 2

Storytelling

My interest in the medical field started early, when I was a child. Back then, I wanted to have three careers at the same time: NASCAR driver, tooth fairy and pediatrician.

Teyanna Willis, P. 1

To be fifteen and told that I wouldn’t be able to walk on my own again nearly broke me. Luckily, relentlessness has been instilled in me since the day I was born…With my own determination and (my mother’s) support, I knew I would not only walk on my own again, but play football again too.

Carlos Espitia, P. 5

Opening Acts

• Hook them with a great beginning:When I was five, I used to think that being a bad person meant that you did not listen to what your parents had to say, and that the worst thing that could happen was getting a time out.

Jessica Rosales, P. 2

There’s something about the sore muscles that come from a hard workout that’s extremely satisfying. Yes, it hurts, and if you don’t stretch you remain stiff for days afterwards, but in the end you feel so much better. In some ways, that’s a metaphor for life: you may go through hard times, but you have the battle scars that show you’ve made it.

Olivia Schneider, P. 5

Details Matter

• Use specific, concrete details to tell your story.

I was raised around hard-working men and women…. I know hard work does not only mean loss of sleep. It means to lose sleep and lose time from your family. It means you will feel like giving up and feel like you are going nowhere. Hard work is doing it every day until it is perfect. And although I know it will never get perfect, I choose to work on my craft for as long as I can move my fingers and legs to be successful.

Jonathan Gomez, P. 5

Details Matter

To accomplish this, I knew I had to put in a lot of hard work, but I was beyond ready. I knew it would take a lot of strength to endure the constant hitting and overall toll that football takes. This strength had to come both mentally and physically if I wanted to succeed. The weight room and practice field became my best friends physically, and they helped shape my body into what I needed to accomplish my goal. Mentally, the failure I underwent in games in freshman and junior varsity strengthened my mind to become ready for any obstacle that stood in my way on varsity.

Ricky Helena, P. 5

Storytelling

• Bring it around: find a way to tie together the beginning and endings of your essay.• Beginning: To most people, 67 is a random number. To me, 67 reflects

determination, dedication, strength and motivation.• Ending: That same week I went to my surgeon’s office to see when I

would be cleared to return to the field. I was elated when he told me June 7th would be the day I would look forward to after eight long months of hard work… At that moment, I knew exactly what number I wanted. My new jersey number would be 67.

Cassie Snyder, P. 1