The Perils of HouseworkMark Harvey

Since the dawn of civilization, humans have spent a significant portion of their lifetime doing ‘housework’. Washing, wiping, sweeping, scrubbing, ironing, dusting, tidying and many more mind-numbingly tedious and repetitive cleaning activities. The futility of housework has long been recognised, no sooner is it done than it needs redoing. We continue to do it, albeit with an innate reluctance, because of the universal wisdom that housework just has to be done. The purpose of this treatise is to demonstrate conclusively that this ‘universal wisdom’ is a cruel myth, that housework takes a devastating toll on our health and wellbeing, and that for the sake of our future generations, all housework should and must be ceased forthwith.

It is the traditional belief that if everything wasn’t kept sparklingly clean we would be stricken down with all sorts of nasty diseases, if the carpet wasn’t spotless the wee baby would shove the spot into his mouth and instantly expire. But this is just not so. Nowadays there are more and more cases of diseases caused by failures of the immune system. Asthma and eczema are common examples, but there are many more severe forms, even harder to spell. Medical researchers have found that most such allergies are actually caused by cleanliness! The reason being that humankind has adapted to the conditions in which it evolved, i.e. dirty, filthy, natural environments. If the muck is artificially removed then our immune systems are left idle and itching for action. A harmless speck of dust is likely to be leapt upon with such enthusiastic gusto that surrounding tissues also become damaged and inflamed. Recent research confirms that dirt is essential for healthy growth, especially in babies. In cases of severe deprivation, your doctor will be able to provide a booster inoculation of dirt, however on a day to day basis sufficient dirt may be obtained by the regular licking of floors, windows and other ‘collecting’ surfaces.

Statistics record that around ninety percent of accidents occur in the home. It is no coincidence that ‘in the home’ is the very place where housework takes place! Cleaning activities are frighteningly dangerous. Washing lines are all too easy to become entangled around the necks of unwary operators causing strangulation (the ‘retractable’ varieties are especially hazardous) and a seemingly benign rotary clothes line requires only a breath of wind to transform into a whirling skull-fracturing cudgel. Mops and brooms employ long, hard handles so lethal that they are used as the weapon of choice in several forms of martial arts. Ironing entails the use of a heavy metal implement which is a common cause of disfiguring burns and, despite its obvious pointy bit at the front, is frequently categorised as a ‘blunt instrument’ by police investigators. Lapses of concentration while handling a vacuum cleaner are responsible for the loss of many a small but well-loved family pet. In cartoons this can be very amusing, but in real life it is the cause of severe psychological distress in many young children. Even feather dusters are responsible for nasty cuts and bruises which result from involuntary muscle spasms due to tickling.

From kindergarten onwards we drum into our children the crucial lesson that ‘electricity and water don’t mix’. But take a look at your washing machine and dishwasher! What have we been thinking? That’s just crazy, that’s asking for trouble! Neither is the manual cleaning of dishes free from danger. Sharp and spiky kitchen utensils are designed to work safely and effectively when held with an absolute maximum of one per hand. If this limit is exceeded, as commonly occurs when doing dishes, it is inevitable that hands will become impaled and fingers severed. Housework also brings us into contact with a vast range of highly toxic ‘cleaning products’ that are heavily polluting to the environment and can easily be confused with cooking materials and fed to the neighbours children or stirred into the mother-in-law’s tea, with potentially fatal results. This can also happen accidentally, with quite tragic outcomes.

Our hospitals are overflowing with such housework casualties, but the largest numbers result directly from window cleaning. A lot can be blamed on poor architectural design. All too often windows are located at dangerous elevations and adjacent to sheer drops, thus carrying the potential for serious injury or death when fallen out of. However, the main danger of windows is that they are made from glass, a material with several uniquely distinctive qualities:

1.) Glass, when clean, is virtually invisible and so is very difficult to avoid bumping into.2.) Glass is fragile and liable to break at the slightest bump.3.) Glass, when broken, transforms into jagged, razor sharp missiles that whirl through

the air slicing and impaling all around.

It is a tragic irony that if only the misguided act of window cleaning was discontinued then a life-saving film of dirt would rapidly build up over the windows, rendering them visible and completely harmless. However the greatest irony of all is hidden in the sage observation and classic double entendre ‘Nature abhors a vacuum’. The upshot of this is that the removal of dust and dirt from any area creates an unnatural emptiness which Nature is obliged to refill as rapidly as possible, resulting in new fresh dust being actively created and drawn in. So that the process of cleaning actually creates more dust and dirt!

Dirt consists basically of accumulations of dust. Dust is made from tiny particles of skin, fabric, insects, spores, pollen, tables, chairs, and just about anything you can think of. The reason tiny particles break off to form dust is due to a nasty, scary thermodynamic concept called ‘Entropy’. Entropy is like a cancerous tumour growing on the back of the universe, and it is constantly grinding us down. As it grows so the amount of dust grows, and vice versa. Large blackboards filled with squiggly symbols clearly show that entropy cannot be stopped, it will relentlessly grow until it has consumed everyone of us, our earth, our sun and the universe altogether, turning everything to lukewarm dust. This is the ultimate heat death of the universe!

However the end is not nigh, and wont be for a while yet, especially if we all pool together and stall for time. The extra dust inadvertently created by cleaning adds to the natural dust and so enhances the growth of entropy. If we simply stop all cleaning activities then entropy will be slowed to its natural background rate, thereby prolonging the life of our planet. Entropy can be further slowed by the recycling of dust and dirt, so that it continues to provide a useful function. A layer of dust, if undisturbed, will naturally compress over time into a felt-like material which can be harvested seasonally. Untreated it is ideally suited as loft insulation and carpet underlay, or when fitted with wooden toggles, it can be made into warm and practical Duffle coats. Its uses are many and varied, the simplest and easiest is as a dietary supplement, mixed with breakfast cereal or sprinkled on potatoes it provides an excellent source of fibre.

In summary, it has been shown that housework activities are extremely hazardous, causing the majority of all accidents; that the absence of dirt prevents healthy human growth; and that ‘cleaning’ actually increases the total amount of dirt, thereby speeding us towards our untimely demise at the heat death of the universe. What you choose to do with this information will have a major effect on the future generations of humankind. There is no legislation at present to force you to do the right thing. All I can do is hope and pray that your conscience will guide you to take the correct actions.

And anyway Mum, it’s my room and I like it like this!