!!!!

Peer Ministry Leadership is !Good Samaritan Leadership!

I asked, “How have you been using the skills we are working on?” I had been working with this

group of high school youth for several weeks. Silence. I pushed the question further and waited. !Finally, one girl said, “I don’t think this really counts, but Friday night I went out with a friend. I haven’t seen her for awhile. Her parents are split up, probably getting a divorce, I just thought it would be good to spend some time with her.” !“It counts!” I declared. “That is it!” One by one, each of the youth had illustrations of listening, caring and welcoming. !The real “Ah-Ha” moment hit while driving home that night, “We have all kinds of people doing ministry every day. We just forgot to tell them it counts.” Taking notice of her friend’s situation, her compassion, her taking action... is not that the real front line of ministry. That is leadership! !Recently Peer Ministry became Peer Ministry Leadership. !Adding Leadership is intentional. It is a way of expanding Christian leadership beyond microphones and committees. We assume that Christian leaders are those who speak or sing into microphones, or those elected or appointed to committees and boards. These are roles we see and hear. I am not suggesting they go away; they are important roles and callings. However, the roles of microphone and committee people exist to organize, edify, inspire, and gather all of us so that we may daily live a Good Samaritan style of leadership, those whose acts of kindness really count. !Peer Ministry Leadership, this Good Samaritan kind of leadership, is a lifestyle of caring, welcoming and affirming every neighbor. We believe that all are called to a vocation of loving others, as a response to a loving God, through a relationship with Jesus Christ. !Following is a list of outcomes that we wish for every Christian. Don’t read too fast. Digest them slowly.

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DESIRED OUTCOMES for Peer Ministry Leaders:

OBSERVANT: Alert to the needs of others PML is about being able to see the needs of others, whether that is in one’s family, school, community, nation, or globally. Often we become aware when our observation triggers an inner tug, possibly the Holy Spirit prompting us to say a welcoming “Hello.” !TAKES ACTION: Uses skills and confidence, led by a compassionate heart As needs are recognized, the Peer Minister does not pretend to not see or cross to the other side of the road. Instead the PML follows his or her heart to take action. Action becomes easier as skills for caring and welcoming are practiced. PMLs learn it is better to do something, rather than nothing. !UNLIKELY: Welcomes and cares, while feeling inadequate and unlikely No excuses are made for being too young, too inexperienced, too busy, unqualified, or even too hurt or wounded from our own life situations. There is no one who has all the confidence, training or qualifications. Where there is a need, it is the person present who gets to be the first to offer welcome or help. !COMES CLOSE: Listens patiently and explores what is the real need PML is not about fixing someone; it is about coming close, caring enough to hear and letting a person make choices that best fit him or her. !SACRIFICE: Willing to risk group security to give help Caring and welcoming is not always the popular thing to do... even in the church! Caring and welcoming means accepting and including. This sometimes threatens a group’s norms. Insecure people might make fun of caregivers. Even friends may ask, “Why are you talking to him (or her?)” Be assured, caring is always noted, often admired and always the right thing to do. !CROSSES BARRIERS: Gives help to others, no matter their clique, culture, color or creed Jesus knew that using a Samaritan in his story would raise eyebrows and even make some listeners angry. Many believed there are no good Samaritans. Caring and welcoming has no barriers, including cliques, race, age, sex, religion or other differences. !SEEKS HELP: Guides others to "innkeepers," people who can help Even the Good Samaritan takes the victim to someone who can help. The Good Samaritan is just the bridge to the longterm caregiver, the Innkeeper. We do not have to be everything for a hurting person. We are often the short term connection, needed to get the person to another who can help. Ministry is not meant to be a solo experience. We need the support of others including clergy, counselors, doctors, and trusted, capable adults. !

How do we pass these outcomes on to others? They do not come just through reading them, or just from a sermon, or even from a PML training session. They are relational faith skills learned with face to face practice, mentored and modeled, lived in an intentional culture of people caring, welcoming and affirming every day, everywhere and in every relationship.

2

!

!!!!!!!! !THEOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE!

Christ spent his life ministering to others—healing the sick, comforting the grieving, providing food to the hungry, calming the fears of the anxious, welcoming the outcasts of society, washing the feet of his disciples, and allowing himself to be spit on and beaten as he went to his death. He also invited and granted to all who call themselves Christians the privilege of being his disciples, in continuing the work he practiced as he encountered people in need. Peer Ministry Leadership is an answer to the invitation found in the last line of the Good Samaritan story, “Go and do likewise.” !!

DESIRED OUTCOMES!Participants will!

-understand the Good Samaritan story as foundational for Peer Ministry Leadership!-gain confidence in meeting people, guided by the WHEAT acronym!-be attentive to others through observations and how you interpret them!-learn the importance of establishing trust!-share with God our gratitude for what we observe in others

!OUTLINE !LEAD ARTICLE: Good Samaritan Leadership !HEAD: Good Samaritan Leadership (Luke 10:25-37) ! Samaritan Leadership Outcomes HEART: WHEATing!! Initiating Relationships HAND: Before I Share!! Names!! Observations!! Qualities for Trust HOLINESS: Observation Prayer

!MATERIALS NEEDED!!• Bible!• Candle!• Slips of paper and hat or box !• WHEAT cards <www.peerministry.org> go to

Resources, go to Free for a pdf file.

3

Session #1 PEER MINISTRY LEADERSHIP:

GOOD SAMARITAN STYLE

Session #1 PEER MINISTRY LEADERSHIP: GOOD SAMARITAN STYLE !!!!First time you meet!!• Create a welcoming environment.!• Identify meeting times and places.!• Share expectations.!• Review why people have been invited.!• Share your plans for how the group will use their leadership skills.!• Reassure participants that they will get to know each other throughout this session.!!!

! HEAD - Good Samaritan Leadership!The Good Samaritan story is the foundation for all of Peer Ministry Leadership. Refer back to it often throughout all the sessions!!Melodrama (Luke 10:25-37)!Tell the Good Samaritan story, melodrama style, inviting participants to become the characters in the story. Partially read and partially paraphrase the story. Read verses, 5-28 emphasizing verse 27,( loving God with all your heart, soul and strength, while loving your neighbor as yourself.)!!To the question, “Who is my neighbor?” Jesus responds with a story. Share the story by choosing participants at random. Motion for them to stand, as you physically direct them. Encourage them to include facial expressions. For instance, when the robbers come, describe them as having mean and sinister grins, cueing the participant to look mean and sinister. Invite the group to hiss at the robbers, cheer for the Levite and the Priest, and hiss for the Samaritan.!!Make the experience playful, adding your own humor. Reassure the victim who is beaten by robbers, that just because the Bible says they stripped him naked, that you will not require this in the drama today! At the end, invite applause for the actors and actresses.

4

PML? It is the Good Samaritan

Story! Instead of

preaching and teaching it,

we put skills to it.

Leadership

lll Questions lll What do you think Jesus hoped people would learn from this story?

• If you were teaching this story, what do you hope people will remember?

Why did the Samaritan stop and do the things he did? What motivated him?

• What were some physical things the Samaritan had to do?

How do you think people viewed the Levite? The Priest? The Samaritan?

What is the significance of the role of the InnKeeper?

In what ways might the Good Samaritan story apply to the role of being a Peer Ministry Leader?

!!!! Points """

This set of points are consider as Key Outcomes for all of Peer Ministry Leadership.

OBSERVANT Alert to the needs of others. PML is about being able to see the needs of others, whether that is in one’s family, school, community, nation, or globally. Often we become aware when our observation triggers an inner tug, possibly the Holy Spirit prompting us to say a welcoming “Hello.”

TAKES ACTION: Uses skills and confidence, led by a compassionate heart. As needs are recognized, the Peer Minister does not pretend to not see or cross to the other side of the road. Instead the PML follows his or her heart to take action. Action becomes easier as skills for caring and welcoming are practiced. PMLs learn it is better to do something, rather than nothing.

UNLIKELY: Welcomes and cares, while feeling inadequate and unlikely. No excuses are made for being too young, too inexperienced, too busy, unqualified, or even too hurt or wounded from our own life situations. There is no one who has all the confidence, training or qualifications. Where there is a need, it is the person present who gets to be the first to offer welcome or help.

COMES CLOSE: Listens patiently and explores what is the real need. PML is not about fixing someone; it is about coming close, caring enough to hear and let a person make choices that best fit him or her.

SACRIFICE: Willing to risk group security to give help. Caring and welcoming is not always the popular thing to do... even in the church! Caring and welcoming means accepting and including. This sometimes threatens a group’s norms. Insecure people might make fun of caregivers. Even friends may ask, “Why are you talking to him (or her?)” Be assured, caring is always noted, often admired and always the right thing to do.

CROSSES BARRIERS: Gives help to others, no matter their clique, culture, color or creed. Jesus knew that using a Samaritan in his story would raise eyebrows and even make some listeners angry. Many believed there are no good Samaritans. Caring and welcoming has no barriers, including cliques, race, age, sex, religion or other differences.

All ministry begins with

seeing.

5

Leadership

Travel Guide p. 2

SEEKS HELP: Guides others to "innkeepers," people who can help. Even the Good Samaritan takes the victim to someone who can help. The Good Samaritan is just the bridge to the longterm caregiver, the Innkeeper. We do not have to be everything for a hurting person. We are often the short term connection, needed to get the person to another who can help. Ministry is not meant to be a solo experience. We need the support of others including clergy, counselors, doctors, and trusted, capable adults. meant to be a solo experience. We need the support of others, as a body of people, with varied gifts and skills.

!!

! HAND - WHEATing !Peer Ministry Leadership is about the Good Samaritan Story, but instead of preaching or teaching it, real skills are going to be given to it. As people use this skill, they find it is a way to enter in to conversations. At first glance the WHEAT acronym may seem like just a fun formula. As it is practiced, people discover it leads them into living out the Good Samaritan story as conversations lead to times of caring and welcoming. !!Leader Tips!In order to facilitate the skills presented in this material you must also practice and use them. You will be teaching not only from a curriculum but also from your life. Keep track of your personal experiences. Tell about some of your own WHEAT experiences as you introduce this. Your illustrations will bring this training to life for your participants.!!As a basic principle of facilitating this training, tell the group what to do, but not how to do it. The how becomes the content for discussion and discovery for the training development.!!1. Introduce the WHEAT acronym. Explain the topics that each letter represents.!2. Share several of your own experiences, humorous and serious, using the WHEAT

acronym.!3. Ask the group to stand and choose a partner, someone they do not know. If everyone in

the group feels they know each other, encourage them to pick a partner they don’t talk with as often as others. Do not help them choose. Observe everything that happens while they are choosing partners. It is very important that no one should be left out. If there is an odd number, offer yourself as a choice.!

4. Observe behaviors during exercises so that you can talk about and learn from them during discussion. Many people have some difficulty in doing this activity, even adults. Having them choose, simulates what it feels like to initiate a conversation with a stranger.!

5. Give everyone a WHEAT card as they pair up.!

6

“See that man over there?

I just WHEATed the guy!” he said. !

Suddenly WHEAT became

a verb!

Leadership

!WHEAT is an acronym representing common

categories used when entering into conversations. Each category can be expanded into a number of questions. After asking, “Where are you from?” asking how long a person has lived there, what they like most about their town, or what may interest visitors, can further the conversation. !!!

lll Questions lll Choosing

What thoughts and feelings did you have when you were asked to choose someone you did not know?

• What are common fears that people have about initiating a conversation?

• How do differences such as age, sex, race, and other diversities affect your decisions to meet someone new?

How did you choose your partner?

• Did you choose or wait to be chosen? How did it make you feel?

!Conversations

How did you begin your conversation?

Did you sense your partner was nervous? What made you think this?

• How can you help people feel at ease?

• What is it like to have silence in a conversation? How do you handle it?

How many felt you did most of the talking?

• What effect did this have on your conversation?

What kind of questions were you afraid to ask your partner? Why?

!!!! Points """

Genuine interest. The most important thing to communicate in a first-time conversation is warmth and interest in the other person. Even though one learns specific skills in starting conversations, if the genuine interest is not there, you cannot establish a relationship of trust that is needed to help or to reach out to another. WHEAT can be a lot of fun, but it should not become a game. Using the skill with others must reflect genuine interest.

Fears. It is important to uncover the feelings participants had when asked to pick a partner, because these feelings are what affects their willingness to approach someone

“Meeting people is always awkward! !WHEATing makes it so

much easier!” - participant

7

Leadership

Travel Guide p. 3

!W - Where!

H - Hobbies

E - Events

A - Acquaintances

T - Travel

they don’t know who may need their help. Common fears include the fear that another will not want to talk to them, that they will be rejected, that they will say something dumb and be laughed at, and that they will be the last to be chosen. As some of these fears are shared, many begin to realize that their fears are normal and they aren’t the only ones to be afraid.

Begin with an observation. As easy as it is to use the WHEAT acronym, there still needs to be a point of contact. A beginning observation such as “I like your shirt,” “Love the weather today,” or “You look like you enjoy running,” is a polite way to let a person know that you notice him or her. It is a skill that comes from being observant and interested in others. The observation usually shows recognition, pointing out commonality or a point of interest or curiosity you share

Hunger for acceptance. Fears we have in approaching another are really focused on self, rather than on the other. When one approaches another out of genuine interest, the recipient may feel honored. Most people are hungry to have another show an interest in them. Even if you are rejected in your efforts to get to know another, if you are sincere and genuine you have given that person a message of acceptance.

Asking interested questions. We can convey an interest in others with the kind of questions we ask: by not interrupting and talking about ourselves; by picking up on something the person has said; by continuing to ask more in-depth questions on the subject; by looking, not staring, at the other; and by our tone of voice and body posture.

Resolving nervousness. Highlight the things people do when nervous. Point out that the observer sometimes misinterprets these actions or behaviors. Interrogating (i.e., asking one question after another, without sharing similar information) often makes others nervous. When you are nervous yourself, openly acknowledging this can be very effective in resolving the nervousness. Continuing to be friendly can help the other person relax, as can sharing something about yourself.

Welcome all. Christianity is an inclusive religion. Jesus constantly crossed the cultural, economic, religious, and social barriers in order to welcome all. He healed the untouchables, saw the Samaritans as good, welcomed the children, ate with sinners, and even cared about prostitutes. Peer Ministry Leadership is a ministry that is about meeting and welcoming all people.

Counter-cultural. Some have said that PML is counter-cultural in that many have grown up being told, “Never talk to strangers.” Now in PML people are encouraged to talk to and welcome the stranger. This does not mean that one should not consider common sense and personal safety. Saying hello is always risky. Sometimes those risks mean that the other person may not say hello back. Other times saying hello could put a person in conversation with someone with ill intentions. Use these skills in safe settings, where there are other people present. If a conversation does not seem appropriate, find a reason to end it and move on.

!

8

To be an interesting person you must be an interested person

Leadership

! HEART - Before I Share !Much of what is learned in PML is about people: how to appreciate them, hear their stories, welcome them and care for their needs. The following exercises help participants understand your own group, but also the importance for establishing trust in every relationship. !!Names!Everyone in the room has a name. Every name has a story behind it. !!1. Ask participants to begin thinking about their full names. Invite each person to consider

sharing as much of the following information as he or she can.!!Consider sharing about your name!!

• Your full name!• How you feel about your name!• Any nicknames have you had!• Why/how your name was chosen!• How your name reflects your heritage!• Funny experiences have you had with your name!• How others have misused your name!• Different names you wish you had been given!• Other information!!

2. As the facilitator, share your own name, modeling how these questions might be answered. Share more than you expect others to share to stimulate them to say more.!!

Example: My name is Lyle Mark Griner. Lyle is a French word for “island.” Mark must have been my parents’ desire to have a biblical connection. And Griner is German, meaning one who grinds grain. Island may be appropriate, since I am an only child. Little kids often rhyme my name—“Lyle, smile; Lyle, tile; Lyle, pile”—which I think is because of the Lyle the Crocodile children’s book series. I have not always liked my name.!!One time I was checking out a movie. The high school girl typed in my phone number on the computer, looked at my name and said, “Oh, Lyle, I’m used to weird names like that.” I was stunned she would say this. I leaned forward and asked, “How’s that?” Her answer, “I know a lot of people from Iowa.” The next thing I had to admit is I grew up in Iowa which only confirmed her beliefs about Lyle’s.!!

“How do you know if you are loved?” asked the Sunday

School teacher. “By the sound of my name in your throat,” answered the

bright eyed girl.

9

Leadership

Travel Guide p. 1

write names of people in

your group

I always felt it was an Iowa farm name. My parents came off of Iowa farms. It just felt very old and rural. Recently though, someone commented saying, “In the church youth ministry world, if people hear, “Lyle,” most know who they are speaking of.” That felt good, rather honoring to hear. !!Example: My name is Barbara Braden Ebright Varenhorst. When I was growing up I liked the name Ebright because most teachers could pronounce it and because we were always seated alphabetically, so I wasn't called on first, nor did I have to wait until the end. Braden was my grandmother’s maiden name, and I know a lot about that side of the family. Although it isn’t unusual, it has special meaning for me. My mother wrote in a diary until several years before she died, that while she was expecting me, I was Donna Marie. On the day I was born she wrote: “We still haven’t decided what to call our baby.” On my birth certificate “Donna Marie” is crossed out and “Barbara Braden” is written in. I asked her once why she changed it. She said that she didn’t have any special friends or relatives with the name Barbara, but she said, “You just didn’t seem to look like a Donna Marie.” I then asked, “What does a Donna Marie look like?”!!When I was in graduate school I met the man I eventually married. At Christmas I wanted to send him a Christmas card, but didn’t know how to spell Varenhorst. I knew it started with a V and there was an H in it, so I put a V and some scribbles and then an H and scribbles and sent it off. When I got married and was teaching eight and ninth graders, I used to get calls asking for Old Lady Varencow—making a joke of “horse,” “cow,” etc. So I always say it is Varenhors-T as in Tom. That first year I was buying a dress and the clerk asked me if my name was V as in vomit!!!I like my name. It is German and means “fern on a hill.” You can always look it up in the phone directory if you know it starts with a V because you won’t find many Varenhorsts there.!!3. When you have finished your own example, choose someone to go next that is not sitting

directly beside you, rather than going around the circle. If you like, pass a talk object such as a Koosh Ball. Whoever it is tossed to gets to go next. !!

Leader Tip!If some in the group are shy or talk only briefly about their names, ask leading questions such as: Where did you get your name? What is your middle name? What are your brothers’ and sisters’ names?!!If someone knows very little about his or her name, encourage him or her to do some research to find out more.!

10

“A good name is more desirable

than great riches; to be esteemed is better than

silver or gold.” –Proverbs 22:1

(NIV)

Leadership

Observing your group while they talk about names takes practice. This should include an observation, and a reaction such as something you wonder and would want to ask more about, a feeling you sense, an assumption that comes to mind. Sharing your observations can be quite powerful. People seldom hear real feedback about themselves. It will help you jot down a few things to remember about each person as he or she shares.!!Observations!1. Introduce observations, the skill of listening with your eyes, ears and even heart. It is a

skill that will be used throughout the training. We always make them. We are seldom aware of them. You enter a room with people, your mind starts observing. When you care for others, you become intentionally conscious of what you observe. It may mean switching your thinking from inward to outward. Instead of inwardly wondering or worrying how you are being perceived, you meet people wondering what you can appreciate and learn about them.!!Don’t confuse observations with evaluations. Being observant is being attentive, caring enough to notice.!!Don’t just look at what the person is wearing. Look for qualities that are memorable to you. !!

2. Demonstrate this skill by sharing what you observed about each person as they talked about their names. After you have finished, invite group members to share a couple of observations they have made about you.!!

Examples!Observation: “I noticed when you talked about your dad that you smiled and seemed to almost glow.” !Personal interpretation: “I found myself thinking you must have a wonderful relationship with him.”!!Observation: “When you spoke of your nickname, you swept your hand to the side three times, almost like you were pushing something away.” !Personal interpretation: “I wondered if this was a memory you wanted to get rid of.”!!Observation: “You used a lot of humor when you talked about your name.” !Personal interpretation: “My impression is that you enjoy getting others to laugh.”!!Observation: “When you said you didn’t like your name, your voice got very quiet.” !Personal interpretation: “I was thinking your statement holds lots of emotions.”!!Observation: I thought you were unique as you shared some very sensitive information.!Personal interpretation: I felt honored to be a part of group that you are able to trust.!

Sharing an observation

says, “You are important

enough to be noticed. You are

not just another empty face in the crowd. You

exist! You are unique.”

11

Leadership

Travel Guide p. 4

3. Ask everyone to write down the name of their partner whom they met during the WHEAT exercise. Explain that later on they will be closing this session sitting with that person and that you want them to be ready with one or more specific observations. !!

Observation and Personal Interpretation!Observations are reflections of something you saw or heard. These are not judgements, nor are they about lookisims, how a person looks, which can include clothing, hair style, or body shape. Observe uniquenesses that helps you better understand and appreciate who a person is.!!Observation!I noticed..., When you..., You used..., Your voice..., I see you are... You are unique in that...!!Interpretations are your reactions. It is being attentive to what the observation triggers in side you, possibly a feeling, a question, or an assumption that needs to be checked out.!!Personal interpretation!I wondered..., I appreciated..., I sensed..., I wanted to ask..., I felt..., I was impressed by..., I assumed...!!

lll Question lll What do you most often observe in others around you?

• After “lookisms” (hairstyles, clothing choices, tattoos, etc) what else can you look for?

What does your mind do with these observations?

• What interpretations might you make?

Are you aware that you are making observations?

• How can you be more conscious of others?

As a caring leader, why is it important to be a keen observer?

What can you learn about yourself as you hear others’ observations about you?

!!!! Points """

Checking observations. Everyone is always observing others, either consciously or unconsciously. On the basis of these observations, interpretations are made, and individuals act or respond to another based on such interpretations or judgments. These judgments may or may not be accurate. If the assumptions are shared with the other person, inaccuracies can be corrected. The experience can provide helpful feedback to the one observed.

12

“Lookism” is our

appearance!

first used in The Washington

Post in 1978. !WARNING!

Judgements and prejudice are

often based on lookisms.

Leadership

Travel Guide p. 4

Respected relationship. People are most accepting when observations are given within the context of a respectful relationship. This is accomplished when the person giving observations is not judgmental, but wants to understand the person, and help the person better understand himself or herself.

Observing is like a mirror. Observing is like holding a mirror up to someone and reflecting back the behaviors that were seen. Such feedback may be helpful to the one observed, particularly in understanding possible responses he or she may receive from others.

Nonverbal observations. Significant information is communicated nonverbally, as well as verbally. Because nonverbal messages often are not consciously screened, as are words, they may convey more honest or accurate messages. Frequently the body expresses feelings the person can’t express verbally. Therefore, in order to hear accurately, we need skill in observing nonverbal messages.

Clues for issues. This skill is very important in the effectiveness of Peer Minister Leadership, particularly in picking up clues related to such issues as suicide, depression, and drug abuse—the silent problems people have within.

!Before I Share Qualities!4. Distribute a slip of paper and pen or pencil to each person. Ask participants to write

down something that they would not be willing to share with the group. It could be something they may never want to share, or something they’re unsure of sharing until they know the group better.!!Examples!• A secret or inner thought!• A confession of something done in the past!• A personal weakness!• Sensitive family history!• A secret crush !• An addiction!• A belief or value that may get judged or laughed at!!

Leader Tip!Give the group time to think about what they will write. Encourage everyone to write something. It is crucial that everyone in the room, including the leaders, participate.!!If someone asks, “Will I have to share what I write?” Tell the group that you will answer their question in a minute. During that time ask them to think of what they might write down either way. After a minute is up, assure them that their secret will not be shared with anyone. If no one asks simply continue with the exercise.

To notice is to care.

13

Leadership

4. After everyone has written something, instruct participants to fold their slips of paper and put them into a hat or small box placed in the center of the group. Acknowledge that you do not know what they wrote, or how it was written, possibly in code, with great detail, or with no details. Ask everyone to assume that theirs could be picked up and read with understanding.!!

✢✢✢ ��������� ✢✢✢

Do you think what’s in the box (or hat) could make interesting reading? Why? Or, why not?

What makes people curious about others’ secrets?

What would happen to this group if I started pulling out papers and reading them out loud to the group?

How did you decide what to write?

Did you choose your biggest secret or write something less risky?

!!!! Points """

Curious human nature. It is likely that some in the group will admit they are curious. Rumors and gossip spread quickly. People seem to love secrets. Consider all the tabloids, talk shows, and reality shows that thrive on revealing people’s secret acts, thoughts, and feelings.

Trust. When asked, “What would happen to this group if I started pulling out papers and reading them out loud to the group?” People may admit feelings of fear and even mistrust toward you. Point out that if mistrust became part of this group’s atmosphere, the training may break down and some would not want to come back. This is true in relationships of any kind. Trust must be established, or the relationship will struggle or end soon.

Filtering. Many admit that they selected a less risky secret to write down, most likely because they did not know what was going to happen or have not yet built trust with everyone. This same filtering happens in most conversations, depending on the level of trust.

Willingness to share. People share or don’t share private information for many reasons. Some may not share because they have been hurt in relationships where trust was broken. For others, it may simply not be part of the culture or environment they grew up in.

!5. Hand the box or hat to a participant. Ask the person to imagine everything in the box is

their own sensitive, personal stuff. Invite him or her to turn to another participant, someone sitting beside him or her. Ask the first question that follows. Ask the person who is being handed the box the second question. Finally ask the group the third question.

14

The best way to find out if you

can trust somebody is to

trust them. –Ernest

Hemingway

Leadership

6. Record participants’ responses to the following questions on chart paper. Build a list of qualities expected when sharing personal story between people. Encourage everyone to write these qualities in their PML Travel GuideS. !!

✢✢✢ ��������� ✢✢✢

For the person holding the box (others can add thoughts)

What would you need from this person before you trusted him or her with your personal stuff?!

For the person being offered the box (others can add thoughts)!

As you listen to this person, what do you think will help him or her trust you?!

For your group

For our training time, what will establish trust for each other?

!7. Pick up the container that holds the written secrets. Pass it around and ask each person

to hold it for a couple of seconds and then pass it on. Ask that no one make jokes or pretend to pull anything out. Let the holding and passing of the secrets be a symbolic demonstration of each person’s desire to be trusted by the group.!!

8. It is extremely important to destroy the papers on which participants wrote their secrets at the end of the session. Shred them or burn them in a fireplace. Participants will need to know you did not keep them or share them with anyone else.!!

Leader Tip!Let the group create its own list, but guide them to include confidentiality, respect, and trust. Keep this list of norms posted at each training session and revisit it as needed. In future sessions, ask the group to evaluate how they think they are doing in keeping their agreed upon norms, and whether they think anything should be added or removed from the list. Empower the group to have control of their own norms.!!

!!! Points """

Examples of Qualities. Trust, Confidentiality, Listening without interrupting, Respect for others’ feelings, No put-downs, Not judging, Support. Allowing time before sharing.

Confidentiality. Point out that a necessary quality of a PML is trustworthiness and the ability to keep boundaries. Confidentiality means that anything shared of a personal nature is not the listener’s to give away through gossip or idle talk.

All that is said is personal. Although participants may not think they’ve shared anything personal by talking about their names, in actuality, everything said was personal and should not be shared with anyone, including members of their family. It is

Respect all nouns!

All People All Places All Things All Ideas

15

Leadership

Travel Guide!p. 5

not for listeners to decide whether something is personal or whether the person will or will not mind if it’s shared. What others give us in conversations about themselves is a gift and must be held in confidence. Perhaps someone has mentioned a nickname that embarrasses them, or a middle name they tend to not share. It would be a breach of confidentiality if anyone shared that information with someone outside the group, or used these names to address the person in front of others. It is, however, okay to share what is done and learned in the group without breaking confidentiality, such as: “We did a name activity where we shared something about our names. I learned how important it is to learn a person’s name.”

Importance of boundaries. To some, a life without rules may sound appealing. However, people do take advantage of others by seeking power, possessions, or misguided physical desires. Such mistreatment destroys people’s ability to have trusting friendships or healthy families. Preventing such behaviors requires standards, guidelines, rules, and laws.

Time. Most people do not share their most sensitive or vulnerable issues when first meeting. Time establishes pattern of trust.

!When to break confidentiality. Confidentiality must be broken when serious help is required because a person:!– Intends to harm himself or herself.!– Intends to harm another.!– Is being harmed or abused by someone.!These situations require help from an adult who will know what to do.!!6. Finally, invite each person in the group to sign the list they created, indicating their

acceptance. Hang this list where it is visible for every training session. From time to time, review the list and check to see whether the items are being followed, or whether the list needs changes or additions.!!!

� HOLINESS - Observation Prayer

!Candle Time Darken your room. Light a candle. Breathe long and deeply. Listen for the silence. !Pair up with the person you paired up with during the WHEAT experience. Share your observation, how you interpreted this, along with something for which you are grateful.

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Boundaries are ways to care

for yourself and others.

Leadership

Travel Guide p. 6

!Observation!I noticed...!When you…!Your voice...!You used…!I saw you…

Personal interpretation!I wondered...!I appreciated...!I sensed...!I wanted to ask…!I felt...!I was impressed by...!I assumed...!I thought…

I am grateful to God for!gift of...!heart for...!honesty...!leadership of…!ability to...

Examples!Observation!

When you... asked Jack how he felt about his family after his parents divorced in such a caring way.!

Interpretation!I thought... that you must be a person that really cares about others.!

Gratefulness!I am grateful to God... for your heart that cares for others.!!!

Observation!I noticed you smiled and watched closely when others shared their names.!

Interpretation!I sensed... that you were very interested.!

Gratefulness!I am grateful to God... for your ability... to listen so closely.!!!

Observation!When you... had everyone laughing.!

Interpretation!I felt... happy.!

Gratefulness!I am grateful to God... for your ability... to bring happiness to others.!!

GO AND DO LIKEWISE every day, everywhere, every relationship

!1. Observe at least three people you do not know. Write an observation and your interpretation for each 2. WHEAT at least three people in different settings. Record your reactions. How might you use this differently next time? 3. Whom do you trust? Whom don’t you trust? Reflect on how your trust and mistrust developed. What qualities do you have that build trust or may build mistrust?

God saw everything that

he had made, and indeed, it was

very good, -Genesis 1:31

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Leadership

Hand Book !p. 8

!!

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If you judge someone, you have no time to love them. —Mother Teresa