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. _.. __.__... ___.._€__~___%%‘
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POPULAR mmcmmnmms
AI LARGE
A Psychiatric Compendium on Modern Brain Spot; ind Thdr Raniaon American Menuli:y.Man.Hty,Scicnce and Artl.All'.1n and Hurts,
Studyable tar Po|iz.icia.nn,Ed£tou,Pmacharu,Teacher|, or HanzhtyHonaymam'acl,. Even Though Dedicated Moot Cordhlly loz
Sir Icahn d’Astor von Rothschilld-‘Morganheimer
__ .- .—~"-.~..4,.ii .,r~,"’-."."._‘ -
Knzal A/arlin .Teigen, M. D.,Pb.D.,
New-York Physician And Surzeon; American Alieni:t,Honist and TruthWritcr. Author 0:-: Mennesketa Nerveaygdomme, Jerry: Reimbreve,
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Minneapolis, Minnesota
EVOLUTION PUBLISHING COMPANY
1911
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CON I ENTS
ciflrlrta _ _ A __ W C_
_'51 . . Introduction. . . . . . . .... . . . . .".. "... . . ll
I ' " Varieties, Causes and Symptoms.".L . . .; .-.'l2\'.
.1 .1 MON.Q?.H_QB..IAs._=L':~f_,: 1'5 2...;
II Ontophobia-Fear of Nam.Tmti.Q..l'}Z<
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III GyI!3IkOpIlObI3-'—DTCZXII for Women" . . . . . 14 ._
IV Hydrophobia-—Water-Fright". . . . . . . . . . . . x7
V Oinophobia—-Prohibitioniam. . . . . . . . . . . .. x9VI Eleutheriopbobia-—Fear of Freedom . . . . . 22
VII Anglophobia—Fear of English Ideal. . . .. 26
VIII Phrouemophobia.—-Fear of Airs. . . ; . . . . 30IX Nosophobia--Fear of Sic1_:neao...”}" ;_'.;;. 3,;Xj Thanatophobia--Death-Won_'y; L. .' . , . .
._ .35
XI 'I‘artarophob,ia——Fear ofHel_1.'_.
. , . ;."
. .
_.'v 38'
II, MONOMANIAS'' "
XII Dipsomania—-Love for Stimulants . . . . . . . . 4oXIII Pyromania-—Fire Madness . . . . . . . . . . . . 42XIV Meidemania—The Smiling Lunaqv. . . . . . . 44XV Apatemania—The Foo1’em Ailment . . . . . . 46XVI Emporiomania—-Trade Frenzy . . . . . . ._ . . . . 49XVII Cyclomnnia—-¥Vbee1-Passion”_ . . . . . . . . . . . 53XVIII Peplotatomanim-—Swe1T Garmentafion. . . .. 5 5
XIX Lalomania-—The, Talking Sickness. . . . , . .. 57
XX Graphomania—The Writing-Itch . . . . . . . . . 59XXI Reasoning Mania—Logic-Lunacy. . . . . . . .. 64
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c11.u>-r£R PAGE! . Q .,. . : .:‘." . 7 ,-
XXII Erotomania—--Sexual Frenzy . . . . . . "67
XXIII . " Haexuatomania-.—l-Blood-.Lust . . . . . . 68
XX] Y . . Par3n0i{».1"Ri:ligiO6&~¢~;:..-Q1 ..;=:-J-1:'-k'.'.-.- 1' . . .. - '/-OI
XXV Money,m_az-1,i-a.. W .1 2.. ._ . . . . .. . .. 74
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l.l
PBOLEGOMENA.
-coo-'Dear Reader:—
You and I and all mammals think, according toK6lliker,Golgi,Edinger, Weigert,Flechsig, Romanes,Cams, Haeckel and other great anthropologists, withphroneia, our "reel organs of thought", These con
sist of millions of associated neurones, located in fourcentres or brain-offices between the four sense-cent~
res, that of smell in front, of eight in the hind-brain,of touch in the upper lobes, and of sound or hearingon the eides,of the brain cortex. Neuronic activity inthese "ceutres of association", that is what our holyxuetuphysicians term "spirit" or "immortal soul”! Itis this phronetic cell activity an army of them wouldmodify, tmin, save in you and me by sleek argz/mentx,
secular and sacred! That phronetic cell actions, also, ,
may be sound or sickly,sane or insane,is well known.
If insane,they dq/y reason and hug some pet 1'1/usian,
Izallucinat2'an or delusion stubbornly, "I never saw an
instance of one disputant convincing the other by ar_gumenl",d8clar8d Thomas Jefferson.— Down Eest, of
course. For our Ichabod Oran.ts yet argue there.Whez'efore this booklet is no! argun1entative,on
ly suggeslive, my sens render. Think whatsoever youdarn please about it. But,Six.: THINK! "Try to un
derstand yourself, and things in general",0ur highestduty according tojo/m Fiske, Goat/1: and 5on"at::.-
'1'i56fié{i"iiiéiéii"éiéiiifMinneapolis, Minn. K. M. T.
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Deveney (
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_.L.'.».s 22: ,_.13.2 .. 2 !v".-L -Q . :..:;.=_~=. Q
.'»»'i;,;.i~.". '2:)‘, "nil f~
'I ii. "
. . ..3 ‘1._, !,1:£.:: =:.'= ".i¢.i.‘ .' ~ .
~== .; ,;_' Fm; < Z.:¢ W:;-'+.=14{ ==;£._» .=.:»:,.=,r4, gz-.3
4:-;i"All men .are insanegthe onlyxdiflennee beinga variable._,degree¢ofability.to, :oncedl~theii' ¢ra¢3fk'.”»,"-='
grinned .that greet.French philosopher, Boileaufl "#4
.
._" Montesqniemanothen famous Frenohipaychologu
ist and;author,asserted quite earnestly that-."insaneasylums are erected inorder that people outside may
imagz'7gg 1-,hem59lve5"ggx1a.".,_...::=. . ;. I0 z...':~_.»e=.i :7."":l'f§=;
lAnd in 1832 Dr.Haslam,the eminent;London al
ienist and Bedlam .superintendent; . testified in opencourt that he had not met a sane men in all his life;ialthoughadding hopefully:.:, ,=4i: 1;: 1'.==-»"".15;:.~='"i:4_.:4;
. '.’I.presume.the Deityie of eound"mind, and;He
8l0Il&". :".. .:: ‘. ..~
.1:1 .-.9.'.:.';:=r_;= .:1~
»
These opinions are quoted from" Dr.C.Folsom-econtributions on mental dieeasee to ~Pepp¢'m- '.S'yslé1n
4 /l./ediciue. We admit that these good men were nofools, allbeing gifted, learned observersiu'their dey.But in spite of all.that there must be and are some in-'
telligent, decent,responsible human beings alive yet,thouglr:less plentiful than conventionally supposed:Human psychology in health" or disease is themostdifficult,complex,perplexing but important of all na-'
ture-studies,and especially so areare all unsound,defective brain conditions upon which every"variety ofmental ori moral alienation depends. For even our ex
pert anthropologists find the structure and functions
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.2
of the human brein full of unsolved riddles; its acti
vities are receptive anc_l_pr_oject_'Lye, but ever relative,
at guiding and governing ite sens or insane proprietor; nnd,not only proverbiully,hut in fact,are all men
ands faw,womem .’.’liars’.’,<—.why? Because Mr. "Reu
ben Post Halleck is perhaps"n'glrt.when.he;. in hie 2»
ble Edumtian J llui Cenlra1'1\/'zr1)'ou.z S)'.stnn,explaina:"The majority of adults. haveémany undeveloped
spots in their brains.-. . -.=. v A.person who has onlyone, or even two,. senses properly trainexl is at be.st a
pitiful fraction of a human being". "_
.1 =, ..Four.fiflhs of subnormally! begotten, abnormally
money—driven,. infernally prieeb—ridden mollycoddles
_iil1;AlDBrlCa!1;_(:il;lBB today have had only their money
nmkiug greed and grafting impudence overdeveloped
quite improperly. For from infancy up their trainingwas and is medieval for the higher fucultiei. Butvus
the i_E1diYldtI_ni,oI' nutional,twig.is bent,eo the tree inclinesnntil uprighted, Small wonder,tlms,if most American adults lmye many undeveloped brain "tracts,
spots _and_.streaks leaning, strongly towards mental as
moral subnormality,ridiculous or criminal follies. Also, some overdone, encephalic streaks productive now
endl,then of exalted pragmatic ideas,sometimea bene
volent and brilliant; usually, however, of very selfish,reckless impulses from sonie,pessionately beloved or
(lesperutely /cared, illusion, hallucination and potent
delusion. These are symptoms pathognomonic of ce
rebral kinka and cracks and,cousequently,of our own
American pnranoias at .large also. "Alles bier in- sins
»__
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II
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3
bier", swore the Hell-Gate brewer.P
Cerebro-mental ailments may afflict males or fe
males, children, or adults, poor or well-fixedlprthodoxor heterodozifplebeian or patriciarfljocbkeyi or judge,pimp or pope, cur or king. The daftuessmay be general or partial, acute or chronic,cheerful or gloomy,a~
pathetic or impulsive, religious or secular, learned orilliterate, fashionable or despicable, harmless or dan
gerous, comical or utterly tragic just as the asylum a
lienations are. In this pamphlet,however, we will not
discuss asylum varieties; they are well enough written up, well enough off,whe1-e they are,~whe1.ess the
many conventional types at large have hitherto been
psychiatrically neglected, possibly because truthtelling about average business l1liI1dS-—d0/l'!}5¢.l.}/. _
. " Commonplace monophobias and monomanias of
today such as bred and neglected by flighty or besti
al parents, by competitive overwork, medieval laws or
religion and smooth pedagogic or literary lying, form
the theme of this little booklet. If at times it seems
treated, though a most serious subject, with cynic lev
ity as adjudicated by time-worn taste, I would beg to
submit that some insanities are highly ludicrous be
cause highly foolish. I pity misfortune, but was nev
er able to keep a straight face even at sacrosanct folly,perhaps because the tragic and comic yet occupy fre-"
quently the same bed in esylums or elsewhere.
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Chapter l
V1ll-fB.UBi$lISYXP'TOR$9flfl!l%IlI$
"Whew, we have various kinds herel"excla.imedthe Kandiyohi farmer looking into his cap.
_ We have also asylumed or at large the followingvarieties of immigrated or netive American Fears, inpsychiatric lore termed mouophobias or abulic insanities, deficient in will_power and judgement, viz:
Agoraphobia, a terror of certain places. Acrophobia, a like dread of high places. Ontophobia, the truthfear of liars, humbugs and scoundrele. Anthropophobia, fear of people, stage iriglxt, Crystallophobia, mor
bid fear of glass, a 0OU!1t81.Sl’»ut8 to Carrie Nation's less
timid, more reckless, semi-heroic cryatallomania. Eleutheriophobia. aristocratic fear of popular freedom.Hydrophobia, fright from water. Gynaikophobia, fear
of women; batchelor amentia. Tartarophobia, super
slitious hell fear. Tha.nat0phobia,death bright. Oinophobia, wine-fright, prohibitionism. Gymnophobia,fear of nakedness, Oomstockian hysteria. Nosophol»ia. fear of sickness; mysophobia, an abnormaldread ofdirt, — and several other fears of less importance.
Raving everywhere are also the bolder, domineer
ing varieties or impudent, indecent C01z¢'ez'l:, impelledby p:.imry fixed systematic hallucinations and per
sistent delntions in:Pseudomaniacs or perennial lia ~B. Kleptomaniaca
or crazed property-hyen;is. Pyromania.."s, fire-fiends.
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5
Dromomanizcs, travel-lunatics. Cyclomaniacs, wheel
fanatics. Po1eomaniacs,fra.ntio salesmen. Oneomsniaosor ditto buyers. Kerussomaniacs, preachers. Graphomaniacs,scribblers. Lalomaniacs, blatherskites. Dipsomaniacs, alcohol-, coffee-, or tea-topers. Megalomaniacs, uppercrust swellheads. Moneymanizcs, American riff-raif. Eidomaniacs, looklikers, fashion-tops or
tailor-made ladies and gentlemen. Kubeuomanizcs or
gamblers. Also the mathematical, syllogistic, pugilistic, litigating, political, and religious monomaniacs, including the victims of rabies I/uologicorum.
The causes of daft human conceits and fears are
all hereditary,unlesa acquired from parental,pedagogic or from brain-flattening newspaper lore. But even
this may,of course,be essentially inherited,customary
_and quite oldish as our Anglo-American orthography,for instance,—though prancing and posing franticallyas "modern". In fact,mouldy or rotten old stuff produce much American aberrancy from high ideals, su
perior intelligence and choice morals. Stuff promoted
among us by reckless foreign emissaries, intellectually,mora1ly,or both, unsound to the core. Yet such are
now as a rule our "moulders of the public min ",itspopular corypheas in finance,church and state! Theirlies are labled "wise policy, or "tire Ward qf God," andtheir legal or illegalkleptomaniac stunts-— "superiorAmerican s/zrnud/usx, energy, even genius"/~ By hookor crook "acquiring" this continent from "savages"was “pro'uz-deniial", of course! For colored “luatb¢n“
cannot have lives, lands or chattels which white mur
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L6
derers,and Christian bandits need. hesitate totake, ifthey feel like it! \Vhen the plot or deed looks partic
ularly dark,a fine name for»it may yet avert psychiatric suspicions from its promoters. And at smooth, ingenious, eupheme lying evenasylum paranoiacs may.be smart as editors, suave as archbishops. For nearly
all who are unbalanced as to m0ralz't.y have quite fairto bright reasoning ability. But all well-spoken loonsare not confined in asylums. Millions are at large to
dayleverywhere,some of them in most important positions of church or state, and working "like hell" fortheir logically systematized, their pet hallucin.ntions oftransforming the United States and Canada into the
Very greatest plutocratic theocracy on earth! If such
medieval projects be sam-,where are the modern luna
cies? Not in our asylums. For crazier schemes were
never hatched in Matteawan or on Wall Street, of a
lower moral depravity.». Ambitious, aggressive monomaniacs are ,usually,very conceited,.highly selfish and not at all modest or
considerate about it. For they are the whole limburger, of course! “Sic volo, szkjubca, sit pro ralione volun
tas! “,whether orthodox or heterodox in other beliefs,
is I/zeir motto too. In fact, the aristocratoid and para
noiac bigheadsare essentially two of a kind. Full of
illl1SloIlS,llhlll1L'll-lt-\llOD.S and delusions are both. Also,
in consequence, of much kindred illogical or immoral
incoherence; and these are at large, just as inside of
mad-houses, the classical, international, unquestiona
ble carrlinal symptoms of most human alienations. It
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7
therefore behooves many to ken clearly the" actual in-'
werdness of _f’grand" outwardness in airs or styles of
folly, and also to understand thoroughly the exterior;
and interior of aforesaid symptoms. For both indicateexactly whither much ’.’modern Americanism".trendB_and where itnow ."is_ at". But only the latter give us
a relatively true perception of the aberrations.i What, then, is an — illusion? .
_ . _,;
"Misepprehension of a sense-impression, or thefalse interpretation of a sensoz.ial stimulus", explainsit with transparent Manhattan lucidity the former su
perintendent of \Villard State Hospital and chief ¢ali
enist of New-York City Insane Asylum, Dr.TheodoreH . Kellogg, A.M. And with learned Gotham simplicity he further illumines it by adding:
"The petient who mistakes a post for a men,or anoise of the wind for the hunmn voice,has an illusionof sight or hearing". . .
Just so. Even if the patient be merely drunk oramblyopic, mistuking one object for another must al
ways be illusive, deceiving to the credulous victims.But how, then,abont the American multitudes whose
senseless senses and brain-work misapprehend all ob
jects and all subjects, even i/umselrier, our many millions who deliberetely invent, traffic in, ay love fondlyand worship fervently, innumerable 0ommercial,fash
ionable but certainly aberrent delusions? The miser
ble millions, who yet hug the conventional views that
Capitalism and Rom.aniszn are Sane, cooperative Socicialism and Ex.olntionism insane? Such chaps see on
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8
Rockefeller a greater head than on Haeckel; they hearsweeter cadences in vaudeville rhyme than in Shake
speare's stanzas, taste divine bridegroom in Christiansermons, or ditto flesh and blood in bread and wine!
In geology they smell a rat; in biology, a bear. Mostof them "feel so funny" about quite natural and ev
. en sublime physiological facts, especially those of biogenetic consequence and universality, that their il-,lusions can not enter any sane perception now. Theyare therefore anti.-natural, subnormal, insane.
HaIluc2'nalz'0ns are what? ,
Dr.V. C.Peclersen, of the New Yolk Polyclinic,defines and describes them as "an act of perceptionwhen no object is near". Hallucinations have, thus,
no external, objective foundation whatever. They are
home-made, original, "created from nothing" like ourtheological earth, unless our Bibles are hallucinatoryalso. With this symptom those affected may see dead
relatives again, hear angels singing hozannas or even
the voice of the Lord when hale folks hear nothing;or, at least their esthetic taste may revel in tough im
agery of their own analogous to several of our literary, "businesslike" hallucinations whose main projectis to touch the great American Pocketbook, and fromthat get something for nothing. Hallucinations may
thus indicate both mental and moral depravity.And, what are delusions?
'
“Faulty beliefs concerning any subject capableof physical demonstration out of which they can notbe reasoned by adequate methods for the time being“,
__,_
-_~
._=
_.-,
~-»
_»_'
''.'"
-~
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9.
. Is female belief in/the corset faulty?.' Itwrites one psychiatric authority. 'f.'.li3!.'.l
may women (gaudr help. theml).bei-easoned out.o£ it?Never. Why? They love their deadliest euemybetterthan themselves, wherefore allsciences, all syllogismsprove inadequate to rout the delusions~offashionii . Itmay thus be true that wasp-waisted, feather-braineddudesses are fear-fully and wonderfully made quite. asmuch so as cane-sucking aphrenic dudes are. Shouldmore evidence be required, just look at their modernpads. straps, digitigmde foot-wear and flighty grandiosificebilitudinitatibous head-gear!
Are the churches. faulty? Quite. None cut queerer capers on earth before high heavens than they. In‘theory and practice, millions of them. How an theybe reasoned out of it? By money. That-s the only ad
equate, convincing method to which they yield. Fordoes not their Good Book tench that love of money isIke root of all evil! Thersfore,- either their Bible, or.
their belief in it, is indeed an aberrant delusion.All history proves,if the wench proves anything,
that bigheaded monarchic, azistocratic, but, above all,plutocratic governments, are devilish iaulty. That iswhy a proverb declares, the best government is ever
that which governs the least. Also, why money-bags,according to Carlyle, make the “infinitely bases! “government possible. Money-bags now govern Americancitizens rather basely, think millions; foolishly, swear
others; irresponsibly, whisper a. few. Their governing
.!.
of some eighty millions of us is, thus, at least -j'au1/y- .
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IO.
although many regard it.as preeminently sane from a
money—making standpoint.» Reason has no influenceon political robbers.». 'I-hey‘.cheerfully: uphold Moneyabove. Man. .Wealth. is everything; all else is nothing!Thus "reason"our base government bandits. Beyondcavil is theirpet delusion at least mar.ally insa.ne.:"
t=.". By some jurists iuealzere/zt logic is considered the
main feature=of all insanities.. That is another logicaldelusion of theirs. In "reasoning monomania",for instance, a quite frequent aifliction among lawyers too,
syllogistic cortex cells and argumentative knack have
by daily practice been overdelopedperliaps at the ex..
pense of moral brain.4.ells. Concerning just such apti logomachians a well developed. New-Yorker, DI'.Allz»l1
McLane Hamilton, wrote: "
"Many .patients possess a remarkable ability to
convince themselves as well as others as to the appar
ent ronsislemy of more or less insane acts which they
perform. This form of insanity. therefore, is one that
is apt to be the basis of litigation, because of the ap_
parent intellectual vigor of the subject. Its elements
are originally false premises, fromwhich he reasons
oftentimes most logically, a.rriving=at a conclusion a
mounting perhaps to. a powerful imperative concept.
In most ways his ordinary mental conduct may be
all that it should be, but the false insane idea exists,
and is defended and ustified with great vigor".Exactly as it does in argumentative capitalistic
preachers, editors, legislators, frenzied financiers, and
in commercial lunaticsfiit large with ’mora1 msmz1'{1". ~;.
\.§*
"%.»
\._.
~_.
.~
___=
.r..
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fix
For, have not Wall-Streeters a remarkable ability to
inveigl suckers into financial nets? And our smoothl,¢.w-makers, to gull majorities at each election? Whoapparently more consistent at fine argumentation forthe public weal than our thousands of journalistic liars,truth-suppressors or abettors of kleptomanic "policies"? Coherent logic is'theirfar!:./ Yet,how incoherent their immoral "morality”! Almost as much as
thet of our z7o,ooo dominies whose seductive stock isnot even "Wnte1-ed",SiI1Ce it consists entirely of —day
wind instead of unvarnzb./zed lrul/2, ideal m0ralz'{y. Andalways of "logice.l", rather archean. zepbyrs tool Logicity of argument is, therefore, no reliable indicatorof sanity; wherefore illusions, hallucinations and, particularly, delusions remain cardinal symptoms of most
monophobiss anb mononianias.
On the pages succeeding male and female alienations of understanding. emotion, or volition, will as a
rule be treated of apart. For sex has evolved psychicpeculiarities subnormal as well as normal. Only adultand preventable or cunible Al11BIiCi:iD affections of to
day, immigrated or native, popular 'oI. unpopular, willhere be described. And in nothing but a friendly ev
olutionistic spirit of progress. For "mens sana in wrpare sano" ought by and by to become universally the
uppermost American ideal too.
<1!
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12 lChapter H
_ommeu I
"_ Synonyms..—Peur de verite; lugenliebe; ljug.iresjukun; I1]eX1da0i.8lI1U.8 stridulus.
_ Defmz'lzon.—A pan-American brain fault productive of much ideatioual perversity in business, femilylife, journalism, literature and average morality.
Elz'olag.y.— Mendacious or otherwise crooked parents, grandparents or ancestors. Dubious business en
terprises which, like the making or selling of adulter. ated drugs and impure foods, may suffer if unadulter
ated truth be told about them. Aging, in widows and'
maturing maids. Conceit or liquor, in men. Prospective or realized profits. Liaisons. Pride, shame, timidity; "succesefu_l" liars in prominent positions; horse
trading or courting, fishing or preaching, speculating0; peculating, hating or loving unreasonably.
Pa!holagy.~» Cortical brain spots undeveloped, ov
erdeveloped or atrophic. In a trepanned peer the en
tire brain was shrunkemrattled lows~ like a dead kernel in a worm-eaten hazel-nut. That peer never got
over his spots before he was buried.Symplams.—Ladies or gentlemen who have dread
of truth may be silent, talking, writing or acting pre
varicators. All airs are acted lies, intended to deceive
somebody, often everybody. Why wear so many gold
rimmed and flat spectacles nowadays? To appear ed
?~\,
._
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. 13
ucatcd, learned, "a great reader", you know! And, allkinds of fleshy jewelry with spurious gems? To seem
weslthy,of course! Why long faces on Sundaypr the
grandest wre...ith at an enemy's funeral? To appear so
pious and good! Why do our capitalistic congressmenadvocate simultaneously, in cahoots with homologousgentlemen of the press and cloth, governmental indecencies and postal "decency"? Because chronic liarsand dignified legal crooks hate the truth, would chokeit, since they dofear it may undo their own profitableprevaricutions. Any ’ ’able liar“ in your neighborhood,my truth-loving reader, is thus a. reliable symptom ofmodern lie-loving truth-fear, particularly among yourpulpiteers and barristers.
Prognosis.-~ Depends on what educability of graycerebral matter remains. In the young or middle-agedsome affection for truth often lies dormant, even if a.
“great lying church“ boasts of having at the confirm
ational age of fourteen or so suppressed it forever bya Jesuitic “educution“. Wherever a sufficient area ofcerebral reasomcells and will-cells are yet alive and
developable,the prognosis is fromifeir to good.Treatmml.- Show the liars and their daft truth
fears up fairly, fearlessly, plainly, persistently. Keepthe Bible out of our public schools, and ontophobiacsout of important positions of trust and honor.
Read, study and cultivate truth, scientific truth,which is the greatest brain-tonic on earth. If that isinefficient, go to-thunder! .
——60$-.—
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jv Chapter III . v "
'
_ cmlxmm. aoauucuui naan f0R wanna
'
._ Synonyms. Eunuchism; male horror for suffragette ballots; batchelor amentia. .
'De/"inz'lz'ou.—- A fearfully timid, selfish, balky and
cowardly perversity of male perception, intellection,emotion and will, symptomatized by illusions, hallucinations, fixed delusions, logical incoherence, and awk
'ward ccenesthetic exaltation. The alienation has been
subdued in, the progressive West,but is yet prevalent, down East and popular in the South. Gynaikophobiais both e. mental and amoral derangement.
'_ Ezialogy.—A small pocketbook; stinginess. Milliners_ and dressmakers who sell "the. latest creations".Manufacturers of face powder, stays, pads, store teeth,
gossip, syringes, jewelry, automobiles, titles and baby
carriages or go-carts. Doctor bills and churchy sister
.hoode under holy supervision. The feminine heart,byIbsen diagnosed as "fr:1il",by Tegner as "created on
rolling wheels". The female judgement, subject to e
motions unfathomed and,therefore,unsa.fe with ballot~
hand, liable any day to vote down to M06-inty pet
gentlemanly joints such as tobacco stores,saloons,dis
tilleries.,breweriss and joy-hotels;also,to vote in regu
lar church-going or downright Darwinism,free-thinking socialism,eugenic communism,irregular anarchy,
and regular hell. Finally, Paul the apostle must have
\‘
.'
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Is
by his "inspi.red" anti-female prejudices produced a
few hundred thousand cases of old-bachelor gynaikophobia religiosa. ,
> .. 1.; . .
. Pat/mlogy. Many undeveloped brain spots,notably in the gray matter of the frontal lobes. M==.?.i . .~.s
l)iagno:iJ. Every healthy bachelor or hflflk)- wid
ower between thirty and forty eight, well able tosup- "'
port a woman, but afraid to risk marrying one, is suffering from this abulic insanity. And so are all celibste "holy fathers" who da.s.zm’l be decent- Also, ev
ery reporter, editor and oral spout who actually fear
women cannot vote as wisely as male moneymaniacs.Any dunce can do that, and most women can do bet-»
ter, since they have a finer intuition for truth and a
sounder concience than average men. Premium gynnikoph0l)ia0S, however, are all clergyman who believe
with Paul in 1 Cor. xrv, 35,that "it is a shame forwomen to speak in the church”, and, consequently, to
let them speak by ballot at the polls! For their opinions are not worth counting since they weer rats. and
coiled Sa1lSug8S, or snakes, in their long hair,and_ button their garments behind,like some clergymen. theirthe0logical_sliirt.s and collars. Most gynaikophobiacshave small heads, big noses and rudimentary tails likeanthropoid apes; but differ from these in having as a
rule matrimonial horns, particularly in the cities.
Prognosis. Hopeless, in confirmed capitalists and
old lJ'¢.Cl-l8lOi'S. But under proper and persistent treat
ment middle-aged bachelors or widowers may possib
ly improve, and even some preachers get. well..
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.16
Trealmenl. Socalled "n.en'.' obsessed with fears
of or for the poetic gentle sex should, first, be purgedwith full doses of calomehjalap and gamboge to clean
out toxic germs from their internal prim‘: m':':,purify
their blo0d,cleer the cobwebs firom their nut, and im
prove their appetite, digestion and assimilation. Sec
ondly, poultice or blister them all over to draw theirconceit and stubborness out. Thirclly, feed the brutes
on cabbage and Texas sowbelly,Chicz=go storage eggs,
Pasadena pancakes and Boston beans for a week or so.
Fourthly, jolly them up daily with feminine sunshineand, Saturday evenings at least, with pure Kentuckymoonshine for a. nightcap. Fifthly, give gynuicopholniac males phosphoric or fishy brain tonics, with uph
rodisiac adjuvants off and "on, for a year or more. Finally, keep out of the house all books, papers, periodicals, preachers,politicians and financiers who upholdmale mona.rchisn_1 and decry women's suffrage and e
quality from an unmanly, prejudiced, cowardly,insene
fear of woman’s superior morality.——If the essentials
of the outlined treatment be, by fair-minded men and
still fairer women, persisted in for a sufficient lengthof time, most American women-fearers will either re
cover, or bottle their medieval yawp.
—.@09--
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'.
<=1=-»~== Iv ".meme, . vmu-new _,s‘ ;
Synonynns. Rabies; hundswut; idrofobia. '
Definzlion. An acute or chronic toxicity of bloodand nervous system, characterized by dread for waterand spasmodic movements, in the dog, wolf,ox, horse,
pig,skunk, and likewise in the toughest saloon-bums.These bipeds and the mephitic quedrupeds are espe
cially predisposed, the skunks to the acute and most
bums to a chronic variety of hydrophobia. .
Etiology. The disease is caused by organic poisons being introduced into the victim's blood-circulation by foul teeth,or between them. Bums grow to like"pure dope",—in toxic doses gulping it down withouta "wash" by the glassful.
Palhology. Cerebral congestiompunctate extrava
sations of blood into the brain and its medulla. Bumcases may result in softening or hardening of the af
fected soul-organ within their skull. .
Symptoms. Hydrophobiscs are suddenly, after a
premonitary malaise extending over weeks, seized bya series of most fearful clonic or tonic general convul
sions, accompanied by frothy mouthings,delirium, an
unquenchable thirst, yet a mad fear of water. In thisfrenzy dogs or bums have a wild desire to bite otheranimals, and they thus transmit their horrid disease.
Dogs or bums may then bite their dearest friend.
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I3.
Proguostlr. Bad enough.Trealmenl. Ladies or gentlemen and children,un
fortunately bitten by a mad dog,cat,pig or other quad
ruped, should immediately, of course, have the wound
cauterized by a red-hot poker and, thereupon, consultnot the swe1lest,but the most truthiul,physician acces
sible who 1nay,or may not,advise a Pasteur course.
Hydrophobiac bums',however,had better be treat
ed differently- The Keeley Cure is not what it claims.No dmg~<:ure is. Conventional contempt reforms the
confirmed toper -— never. For contempt is meanness,
not morality. It is the izritating ,holier-tl1an~thou phariseeical swellhead pure and simple, and produc tixe ofless helpfulness than harm, since it is merely conceit
ed,hypocritical "morality". Sick people crave and do
best when treated with plenty of rational kindness,and
alcoholic hydrophobiacs are sick enough. For weak orabulic is their will-power, dull their poor intelleCt,perverse their emotions, subnormal their coenesthesis and
nervous system entirely. And medication avails little.As Dr..l.D.Nngel of New York says pertiuently:
"In chronic cases treatment is apt to have very
little result. There may be temporary improvement,but the final,fatal result is inevitable". .
Therefore, fellow.mortals, upon occasion treat ev
en drunkards with a spoonful of the milk of .American
kindness,a most splendid brain-tonic indeed.
—<>%-
. -_-._._ .._
,-_,
-»\_
...
--v--
\__.
/'__
_,_
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x9
ii’Chapter V
°lI°Pl|§ll,nll|fHUf[lIQf'l§B.3[[X$,lI$fiIlwlv
S.yn0n.yms. Teetotalism; prohibition sterooremia.
1)efz'nilion. An ahulic semi-Christian insanity ofplebeian wards,villages and backwoods country-townships, the sufferers from which have neither sense orself.control enough to use alcoholic appetizers, heartstimulants and promoters of good cheer rationally.andwould therefore by specious legislation, penalties and
s.-verer punishments prosciibe spirituous liquids,prescribe our diet,<..onscribe everybody for some church,describe hydroxyl hydrocarbons as devils,und inscribeby all this goodness in the "American Hall of Fame"their in .oherently systemutized illusions, hallucinations or dry delusions. In places the lunacy is stylishand it may rage like a modern. St. Vitus dance,led bysome frantic gentleman of the cloth. Behind, aroundor even ahead of him caper often hysterical, off and
on quite unblushing,womcn kicking low,or high. Infernal pandcnmniuni reigns at most oinophobiac dc
votions,convantions and caznpaigns as if Bedlam had' 1.gain broke loose.
I51/olo_o.y. Hereditary brain spots, undeveloped orover-developed into WnI‘})'\'(l mentality. Ignorant.inndnquate schooling. Journalistic.,literary and theologicnl lnerchz.ndise,f..wning humbly fordolhcs b‘ufo!'v any
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l"public demand", — small matter how absurd or daft. / -
Reckless brewers,also wholesalers of liquors and brutal saloon-keepers with insatiable money-greed, oper- _
ating dens of licensed hell. Finally ,the somewhat in- I'
fantile disgust at any unpleasant sight, be it n drunk"
gentleman or a chloroformed and up-throwing beauty,is frequently the main etiological fector in our Am-
2erican oinophobie. of today.
Pathology. The irregularity of cerebral structure
and function is supposed by alieniets to reside mainlyin the cortex neurones, the little "giant cells" with a
filament for afferent and efferent brain conduction, of j
which adult heads have, according to Dr.Meynert’s es-
i
-'"'
'timate,some x,200,000,o00. If this little aggregation of
individual brain cells be so developed, so tnined for 1
cooperative, harmonious, physiological socialism thatthey slip a cog no more than do the wheels in a trust y
timepiece, perfectly sane is that brain. If they don't,it is not, being asquint and askew more or less all the
way through, even within teetotelist skull-caps. New \
ronic areas lie there with thousands of thought-cellsin a childish state of non-development, as weedy,neg-
E
lecteduxncnltivated garden putt.hes full of sickly veg- l'
etables at the mercy of voracious bugs or cut-worms,
ly developed and healthy. Similarly do our ugly bugs'
merely a corn-hill here or a. cabbage there being fair—
of prejudice and cut-worms of fear retard or destroy I
mrtny a rich neuronic garden-area in oinophobiacs.——
Symptoms. Nearly all rabid male prohibitionists lare dyspeptic,constipated, thin, nervous,dry, muddy of
\,‘
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2!
complection and intellection from a sluggish circulation, subnormal excretions and consequent lithic orstercoraceous toxemia. Oinophobiacs argue incoher
ently through their hats. occupy front pews, sneak inand"out of drugstore back-doors, hug un-physiologicalillusions on alcoholic disease-breeding, swear by any"dz-y" hallucination of ta.ste,sight or gossip, and theywould ram their delusions down all throats by law, if .
they only knew how. A rabid prohibitionist is easilydiagnosed and can not possibly be mistaken for morereasonable American lunatics at large.
Prognosis. Oinophobiacs can,l1'ke "good indians",as a rule be parted from their fixed ideas and crystall0claStic ha.t0h8l5S when ready for the undertaker. Toreason with them is like squirting water on geese.
. Treatment. To stop stercoremic procreation oino
phobia;-s might be surgically altered or oophorectomized and the rabid single ones by law prohibited from
getting married. Medicinal tonic.s upbuild them not;
neither does "the rest-cure",dieting, massage, famdicor high-frequency currents avail. Stimulants, howev
er, are often gcatefully accepted and relished hugelyon the sly; but the cheering-up is transient. For not
even a New-York alienist can yet make a silk--purseout of a sow’s ear.
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Chapter Vl
m~b IIPPEI-it.,Nil fill Of WNW MEN!
S.ynm2.yms. Tyrannomania; mal du roi; conservatism; gottesfurcht; Russian dementia.
Defi'nilio1z. A dreadful state of mind among em
perors,popes.kings,princes,peers,archbishops,genernls,
admirals,senators,hankers,preachers,gamblers, monopolists and anthropoid parasites in geneml as well ns
their "affinities" and luetimpaidokuonic l)ra\tS — including their political and journalistic footmen -—- be
cause you, my good reader, your wife and children. Iand mine, and some millions of our equally commem
place fellow-American or Eu 1.opaan brothers may wantmore freedom than is good for us. Also, more truth,justice,leisure,money,antomobiles.yachts,a.irships. and
Iximt-Ion ennui than _we can stand. For this are all our
eleutheriophobiacs worried most pitiably by frightfulnightmares in broad daylight. Aguinst real. genuine,
complete,sutisfzrctory freedom for us plain commoners.
do they,thereforejncreasingly pmy or pv.y,cry and lie,
write and fight even in this land of Washington andLincoln,Taift and l\/Iorgranheimer. Above all do these
inonophobiacs fear a victorious Socialism, prosperousindependence generally,which they brand as "crazy".And in polite eleutheriophobiac phmseology Socialism victorious is culle<l———"bestia triump/mns".'
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. 23
. Elentheriophobia is thus,like lnes,s swell uppishdisease, although common kine on the orthodox low
lands may actully dread liberty also,—from long habitliking their cribs and iron-collars oi church and lawbest, because the least risky for ruminants. .
Etiology. Heriditary or acquired brain spots, not
worth half a row of frozen Saskatchewan pumpkinsat judging rationally of matters and men. .
Pal/wlogy. Indulgent reader,did you ever observea ravaged pediculose scalp,sore and warty, a tuft here
and a bald playground there,—and so on and so forth?Or, a nest of frisky maggots on "fresh" St.Paul calf’a
brains in July? You have, eh, a bit of both! Well,thatis just about the pleasing aspect of unsalted orthodoxor aristocratoid brains inside of their eleutheriophobinc crania. For in these our modern vermin have, by
their "classical education" in lies and frauds, plant.ed choice breeds of old plutocratic and tbeocratic nits,
leaving few oases of healthy culture, but many baldor sickly brain-spots, covered with capitalistic guanofrom Sir von Morganheimer and his Christian friends.This jolly crowd of "American" freedom-fearersl want
to always do "jest what they darn please"themselves,since they have "the stuff" down in big pocketbooks;
they want to hog and enjoy all privileges alone, likeinflated, equally selfish asylum paranoiacs. For theirailing cerebral convolutions, when at work, do reseml
ble anest of fat maggots in putrescent ment,,or livelycheese, — semi-developed larvae of that internationaland impudent nuisance, the common house-fly. Psy
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=4
chologically, at least, parasites and pests, preachers orbleachers of Maxnmon, are kith and kin because theyhave similarly undeveloped brain-spots.
Symptoms. Fellows who fear equality of freedom
are always in favor of laws enforcing "decenqy", such
as excluding freethought and eugenic literature from
Uncle Sam's mail-bags;in'x-ringing on the constitutio. nal right to carry arms by prohibitive money-provisos;
stringent divorce statutes for matrimonial misfit's;the
sneaking of bibles into our common-schools,and me
taphoric Mr. Jahve St. Claus into our American Constitution; curtailing dramatic writers and act0rs,— inbrief, by promoting Russian gags on “truth and medieval shackles on progressive popular freedom. Thesepretenders to select "decency" may always be knownby their reactionary attitude towards all human pro-.
gress which they may not boss and monopolize freelyto suit themselves, like grand eleutheriophobiacsl
Prognosis. Bad and Sad: soon they’re worm-food.None of them escape I/mi, unless they ascend like oldElijah, or comllescend to be finally cremated.
Treatment. To be courteous is accounted a paying virtue. But t1'6al3itlg(laft liberticides like sane, rusponsible mammals,don’t pay. It is not appreciuted.The more courtesy par.snoiacs get, the more they de
mend. They are bottomless nimmersatts at gall, gold,suavity and moml depravi£y,under silken cloaks and
be.jeweled bosoms; sleek bible-swindlers or legalizedrobbers putting on a stiff upper-lip for heroic sirs.—
Energetic, sometimes heroic, treatment is ,there.fore,
is
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=5
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-indicated in lamentable cases such as that of stuckupkinglets, bald cardinals, impotent imperial majesties,polluted popes and hermaphrodite dopers addicted to
f’rz'za loon kakoon",the root of most modern evils too,
as examplified often by congressmen and senators,judges and presidents, but particularly by that primeeleutheriophobiac,,our supreme Sir John d-Astor vonRothschild-Morganheimer aforesaid. For his accesso
ries, Epsom salts will do; for himseli, a drop or moreof Croton oil an hour before meals may move him tomind Mother Nature and his own particular business
quite freely. For that oil is a royal remedy. Cardinals,too, had better be purged of sin, or America of them,in their own purgatory. On the pope try full doses ofOyster Bay 0oCl{tu.'ll or Washington goat-lymph. Forordinary aphrodisiacs may never touch His Holinessat all. As for our thousands of lesser anti-freedom paranoiacs, such asthe capitalist brigades of debauched lawyers, publishers, pulpiteers and chronic officeseekers, give them continually crzscendo the truth,and“beslia tn'umpham“ at the pol1s._Milwaukee dared doit. So did Pasadena, Butte and other cities treat successfully their sick moneymaniacs. And ,cheerfully.For,freedom and its fairest emblem yet,the Americanflag, —'-both deserve a better fate than that now plotted against thlem by morally insane tyrannouianiacs.
—¢9Q—~
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26
Chaptzi-VII.
smiSynonyms. Anti-Americanism; yankeefobia; ger
manic hysteria; crainte continentale.
Definition. A provincial endemic mental aberra
tion characterized by linguistic illusions, religious or
military hallucinations and financial, political or literary delusions. The affliction is quite general among
'United States Russians, Polanders, Finns, Italians,Jews, high-toned Swedes,~low-toned Norwegians, Hibernian prize-fightcrs, German pcdagogues and suave
French editors or immigrated poets with nationallyfixed and firmly riveted ideas of their own, imported
by Providence hither to save the country from dread
naught English machinations. We must have,in these
English-perverting United State.s of North America,at least 2o,o00,o00 more or less mush-bruined Anglophobiacs today, if we have such Yuhoos at all. Andwe have them, dam 'cxn!
.
bliolagy. Immigrated envy and prejudices,yclept"patriotism" in little countries! Hundreds of thous
ands of school-teachers, preachers, professors, editors,
andlpigmy politicians,incompetent to cope with Anglo-American competitors in the language of the land.
Novelists and poets,who cannot sell their manuscsipts
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.57
in English, but who nevertheless persist at pen-work,sure of their literary genius being loaded to the muz
zle with divine efflatus. Gentlemen from the emerald
_isle of shamrocks and shillalahs, since their Holy Pat _
drove no green snakes out of John Bull's "noability".In short, fears of a thorough Americanizstion by the
English language are generated, nursed and promoted. by a flourishing crop of foreign prejudices that fallfar below being intelligent sanity. Being no joke,thedread is more than nonsense,—a genuine paranoia.
Pal/zology. In naturalized former subjects of the
Czar the head is often disproportionately small withlow forehead,big ears.shy or staring eyes and a superfluity of unkempt hair,and"frowzy,anarchic whiskers.
Greek Catholicism has made its millions of victims,itseems,run more into beards than brains. In emigrated Poles,Finns,Dons,Danes,Svens,Oles,several Fritzesand a limited number of Pierres,kindred microcepha
ly with high occiputs.lowly forehea.ds,coarse features,
and warped anti-American brain-works inside may be
found by the millions among Uncle Samuel's "whitetrash",let alone his ten millions of "cullud" citizens.
Many of these,however.are less anglophobic than immigrated atep-children from paler-faced lands, since
no foreigners get Americanized as rapidly as Northern negros, perhaps because 1/mr brain-spots_had few
"patrimonial heirlooms to transmit their offspring",unless it were — chains.
Symptoms. Be Finns forever! urge Suomi papersand preachers at over a million of naturalized or na
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28 ‘
tive Americans. "Vuxder svenskar!" cried fmnticallyBishop Knut Henning G-ezelius .1101: Scheele to some
two millions of semi-Americanized Swedes recently,as do hundreds of their mglophobic divines, writers,pedagogues and county politicians continually. "Vornorskz fiidrenearv Inna vi her buie gucl os beva;rel",*)
yell with no less un~Americun frenzy about fifty Norwegean high-an-ho0ls,seventy ed.itois,over xzoo clergy-»
" men (some of ‘whom felt f1 iendly towards the EUTOpcan fleet in Smtiego harbor, and to Jeff D.a.ViS duringour Civil War);-also, some hundreds of Noise bible.
agents,x7th~0f-May orators, vendors of lutefis/2 Q) and
manufacturers of genuine gammelosq) or Ul;11'iF-l;.l&Diu
literature. Furthermore,— "Det1t$chlnIl(1,.DeutBchluD(l
uber allee, uber alles in der weltl'?,sings Germania to
its sturdy millions. "Formez voe l)bfiuill0DSl",uflViSc8
La Palrie. “Lit’s all be Oirish ivver morel“, insistsJiibemia modestly. And so it sounds the entire circusar0und,ulthough Englisl: is the root end stem,core and
crown of this modern Babel with its i110al.Glllu.bl4.3 mil;
lions of mentally quite primitive, cerebrully dwarfed,
visionary,and sadly deluded anglophobiucs.—~ If they
hnd but a minimum of sound horse,-sense they wouldsuspect that trying to build u little Ireland, Finland,Norwuy,Sweden,or even h miniuture Germany or American France, over here,—is sheer lunacy. To imagine
*) God preserve here our No:-wegiun heritage! ,
fl) Lye-soaked cod fish.
1-) Viking limburger.
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2.9
that, is hallucinatory; to see,hear,smell,taste or feel itmore or less realized from what anti-American blath.erskites preach or write, an illusion; and to believe itpracticable or beneficial, that is a daft delusion, even
if the arguments favoring it be perfectly logical andseductively eloquent. Anglophobiaos are thus easilydifferentinted from other paranoiacs at
Prognosis. Hopeful in most cases. Fully ~ninetyfive per cent should over here get cured,if treated inaccordance with modern science by American therapeutic skill.
Treatment. Anti-American parochial pedsgogueeshould be sent at once either to a normal school or toa common one to learn the fundamental facts of thiscountry's history. and constitution by heart; also, the
rudiments of the English lsnguage..Journalistic_liarsmay improve in the reform school,theological ones inthe penitentiary. While thus reducing their importedignorance and improving their minds they should ex
pect no salaries, merely air, water and sunshine free,until Socialism wins out. Then their bodily vigor toocan be developed at,for instance, doing chores, sawingwood or planting potatos. Rabid anglophobes should
be starved a spell to reduce their cheek; finally, they
may be cnrefully fed up again on sucootash. lutefisk,gammelost and hore-hound candy. If all this fails to
effect a cure,put them in a strait-jechet and ship'*em,
direct—to Halifax.
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30
Chapter VIII
ruaovmmna.-‘mm! mm non snmrm
Synonyms. Varronismus; bauerschreck; lafolie'
servile; husmandsaand; lickspittleism.
D¢fz-nih‘o1:. Phronemophobia signifies that meni
al,rustic,cringy,cowering,curri.sh,psn-American humility or piety of spirit which caves in at once before
aritocratoid “dignity“ or upper-crust hauteur,—deem
ing it a great honor to'shake hands with a lofty con
gressional traitor,to be addressed by a judge,listen to
a peer,look at a king,buy a broke marquis for a son-inlaw,snd vote regularly for the “grandest“ scoundrel on
their ticket. The lunacy is essentially European; butwe have plenty of it over here too. It cringes, crawls,
impinges and falls before brzLss,cheek, gall, bluffy airsand grand words, from Cuba to Canada and from San
Francisco to Boston. For,more then three generetionsare required to evolve manhood in sheep or fraternalsentiments in drones and parasites. _
Etiology. Many undr.velopld brain spots, due to
_ over-work under the capitalistic lash, and misleading
guidance in life's important matters from newspapers
and book-makers,dignit'ied professors of 0lnS8l0ul non
sense,snd overloading of the public mind for centuries with innutritious biblical saw-dust. Educated rid-icule; even merely satirical grins,or ugly frowns,from
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. 3‘
j.
fashionably tailor-made gentry that "look: like some
body" and feels like the biggest gold-brick. Phronemophobe bipeds are great "loak1iker:" judging confidently of nearly all things between heaven and hell by
sight, s.t- a glance! They alone are smart enough to
look into, look t/u-ougI¢,everybody and everything thusrapidly and easily, since appearances are, to them,not
deceptive, but the safest conductors on earth! Merelya chump. a. durned nigger fool, was Lord Bacon’s cel.ebrated Prince of A1-ragon before those fateful cask
ets of Miss Portia, when he amiss mumbled about:" the fool multitude that choose by slmw,
not learning more than the fond eye doth teach; whichpries not to the interior, but, like the martlet, builds
. in the weather on the outward wall, even in'the force
and road of casualty. I will not choose what manymen desire,because I will not jump with the common
spirits and rank me with the barbarous multitudes".That dunce got left, and it served him right. He
was not sharp enough to see through a golden casket
lid! A naturalized American lookliker might then and.
there have played foxy by lying low, and after mid
night have chosen all the caskets by — burglary. Forin the dark, often blindly, even phronemophobes are,
high or low, desperately fearless and bold.
Pal/wlogy. In common Catholics the pic maler ispink, pale, or puffy; in priests it adheres to the "nates and lesles" of old anatomists; and in bashful bishopsor meek cardinals it seems glued to the Verronian pan:asinorum. In popes this "holy-mother" membrane is
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32
___.,_.,¢_ _-..,¢_,, _ . .._ ......_.i___.-..__._.. "
absent,heing absorbed by or coalescent with the dura
maler and adhering to their cranial concavity. Thut-s
why papal brains cannot be moved, unless removed
by evolution or reformed by decent marriage. In ourprotestant phronemophobiacs the frontal lobes seem
infantile, suffused and mushy; wherefore Ralph Waldo Emerson said somewhere that merely the genuinepoetic geniuses have no! mush on their brains as tonatural expression of facts and ideas in words. Emar-had no mush;nor had Lincoln,Ingersoll,Puine,Brunn,"Goethe, Te-gner, Byron, Burns, Ibsen, Shakespere and
other genial expressionists. Bighesds have cheek,gab,
stereotyped phrases,haughty airs and swell garments,automobiles, airships, palaces, pocketbooks, and all thelatest and greatest store-grandeur for sale. Yet multitudes of even American citizens fear, actually cower
and cringe like lousy curs before suck dignified European burlesquers——-why? Because bigheads are yet
looking awful, and lickspittle small heads are mush
brained, particularly in Catholic menageries.
_S.ymplarns. Bible-reading; regular church-going;contributing to foreign mission grafts; reverence for.the servants of Lord.Jahve St. Claus, be it honest,or
hypocritical pretense. Voting "straight" for the en-emy and against friends of labor every time, b0u8\1SB
paid prevaricators so advise from sanctum, pulpit, or
office. Bareheaded courtesies to bankers, bailiffs and
dog-catchers. European "pa.triotism" on the z7th-ofMay, or any other day, in America. Aping would-be
popular leaders or foreign celebrities, —- in short, the
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33
stupidity of sheep,cowardice of whelps and stubbornness of balky mules in uncouth combination.
Prognosis. Depends on age, environment and remedies used. Young phronemophobes have the bestchance to get well under Queen Columbia's motherlynursing and progressive teachings.
Treatment. Remove the causes of this monophobia from high positions of trust, honor, and influenceon the western hemisphere, by legitimate but effective ways and means. Such as:— boycotting peacefullyall plutocretic and theocraticpoliticians, editors, professors and stuck-up judges back to innocuous desuetude; by renouncing ancient mythologies, transform
ing churches into lecture-halls or theatres, preachersinto airship chauffeurs or clowns, cruisers into steam
plows, military murderers into licensed butchers, andthe United States into a rational,c00perative, monistic, socialistic democracy managed,not by cephaledemic moneymaniucs and their craven phronemophobiacdupes, but by intellectually and morally sane American citizens. The treatment is difficult to apply; forthe patients do not want it
,
claiming they feel indeed
bully,finer than silk in Bowery sunshine,as they are!
But it is efficacious, required, coming."
-—-O%-
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, Chapter IX
IHIX,-llllflfillfifillfifiSynonyms. Krankheitschreck; tezreur des malad
ies; sygdomsrzdsel; sjukfasan.'
Dzfin1'z'ian, A morbid fear of becoming sick, or of
already being so. .
Etiology. Dyspepsia,constipated bowels,anemia,in
Soinnimbusiness won'y,overwork,poverty,a large family
to support,but especially the consciousness of some he
reditary family-taint,physical or mental. Fear of failinghealth distracts the rich no less than the poor/for theirboarded savings must finally be parted t'nom,—which isI/re calamity to any sad capitalistic heart,while povertyworries more over being unable to work and "make a
decent living" than over death,thc liberator. Youngernosophobiacs,too,may worry themselves blue from tear
of losing a good job,or marriageuble beauty and parental capability. Whatever the core of this self-scare maybe,all alienists consider it indicative of real insanity.
Pal/wlogy. Subnormal brain-spots.
Symploms. Always brooding,apprehensive,gloomyover their health,and always tall-.ing about it.
Prognosis». Melancholic.
Trealmepl. Touics from a cheerful physician.
—¢o<>
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Chapter X
l'Illll0Hl0lt\,-BIUI N Dflll
Synon.ym.s. Sterbenschreck; dodsfrygt; d6dsfruktan; terror mortis; terreur de mourir.
De.flnifi0n. A cowardly Christian affright at theidea of departing this life and handing over one’s last
earthly check to Mother Nature.—— This white-liveredfolly is less prevalent among "heathen" nations that
ignore our missionaries and commercialism. For theyrealize that destructive metamorphosis is as naturalas constructive, death as important to civilized evolu
tion as conception,birth,and life. To mistrust or fear,
denounce and try to amend,the wisdom or thwart the
fundamental processes of Nature may,by and by,whenmost thanatophobiacs are gone,be considered asylableif not shootable dementia.
Etiology. Fear of Death is caused, in CapitalisticChristian countries, by sky-pilots, Bibles, Hell, etern
al damnation and a passionate love for the mercantile
things of life, notably money and clinical bliss,luxui'ies and swell-.headed power-lust. Hereditary causes of
this are much the same as those of other paranoias at
large,to wit: irrational ancestry and capitalistic con
ditions of life and death for the exploited flocks.
Pal/mlogy. Undeveloped brain-tracts in the frontal region; sometimes a puerile pineal gland.
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36
On several eminent ecclesiastics, afraid of goingto heaven prematurely; also on a good many overripe
politicians, bankers, brewers, barons, dukes, and some
wholesale majesties apprehensive of perchance goingthe other way, belly and buttocks have been observed
as rather over-developed in proportion to their heads.
Whether the phenomenon be one of the causes, or a
result, of thanatophobia~, seems yet undecided by the
scientists of even Great Britain and Germany.Diagnosis. Poring over the yarns of Moses, Abra
ham, Joshua, David, Salomon, St. Peter, St. Paul, or. St. Louis Budweiser, indicates a strong desire to stilllive on in spite of death, and so (l.o\:E praying or regular pew-sittings. Thanatophobes often wear charms,-
a crucifix or sacrosanct beads,drink Duffy's_pu1-e ryeor keep at "doctoring-up" steadily to stave off death.
~.To save their lives they'll “do anything"—— except to
quit risky old habits and get into harmony with hygienic laws of nature. Life and health are‘ the primethings on earth to look "after. And still may much ofour present hysterical agitation and aldermanic ordinances against street-spitting to keep dust-germs off,or their regulations of lechery,be largely symptomatic of thanatophobia. .
Prognosis. Bud,—until buried. And yet, althoughsome preliminaries to shuffling the mortal coil seem
painful to beholding thanatophobes, death iliSclf mayalso be better than its 1'L5pi.lt&\LiQn.
"I felt no pains whatever, as I had to give up at
swimming and sank into utter darkness; I saw lights
/\~
__,_
_.__
__;
.-.,
__..
_/U
__f.
-§__
_
I\_
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- 37
and fell fine just before consciousness left me, and Iremember that plainly yet", said my truthful friendBoyd of Duluth who had been picked up from stormyLake Superior and revived some three hours after he
was drowned. — Death is not as horrible an event forman or beast as fakirs preach it and paranoiacs fear,since it is just as natural to go as to come.
Trealmml. Let the journalistic, pedagogic, literary and religious causes of American .death-fear be re
moved by the clear light of modern monistic philosophy, such as developed by Haeckel, Ostwald, Arrhenius and other great evolutionists in Europe,and advocated by our foremost progressives over here, such as
Hubbard, Wakeman,Morton Jr.,Dr. Wm. J. Robinson,Prof. Eccles, Mr. Thomas A. Edison, and other illustrious Americans. Some of these face and fight Death
every day, no more afraid of his old scythe and emp
ty sockets than of a kindergarten bugbear or of the
orthodox Christian Devil. Thanatophobes should al
ways be treated with kindliest sympathy. For it is no
joke at all to stagger tremblingly along h'fe’s,high.ways and by-ways full of toxic death-fear,which is indeed 'perfect hell’. Two other excellent remedies forit are Elbert Hubbard's famous P/n'lz'sline and Geo.B. M&cdonuld'8 death-defying Truth Seeker.
—¢¢©-—
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Chapter XI
IlllLl0PUIl,.- rm Bf llill N ETEINL NIIAIIOI
Syrzouyms. Hbllenschreck; espanto del infierno;
helle-fyrhtan; hel-otti; pavor inferni.
Definifi01l. A barbaric religious hallucination and
theologically systematized delusion concerning an imaginary world-penitentiary for departed spirits or breal/I:from dead bodies, preached yet by a lot of insane shepherds ancl swallowed blindly by multitudes of orthodox
"sheep" who can not be reasoned out of it, although itis merely an old hyperbolic metaphor. Coherent reason
sheep understand no better than Greek. But they un
derstand ridicule, and their shepherds fear that "worsethan hell". _
Etiology. The Bible,and. its both intellectually and.
morally subnormal advocates. Creators of infernal economic conditions on earth,such as Sir John d’Astor von
Rothschild-Morganheixner and his accessories: —\ legis
lators,judges,governors,presideizts,bankers,Wall Street
stock-gamblers,-<1ll morallyiunbalanlced moneymaniaes.Also,all our truth-suppressors or positive liars in pressand literature, but especially our pious hell-promotersor reforxn.impediments on pulpit: “for Christ's sake!"In this great laud for raising; wheat and meat,pork and
beans,mutton and cotton,silks and bilks, frauds or gods,'
"servants of the Lord" should no! raise hell-fears. But
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39
they raise mainly that, label it "godliness,love of Jesus,heaven on earth",and by such jugglery they raisecash from millions of irightened, sickly or sinful, tarterophobiacs - under not only false,but the most devilish pretenses of unquestionable "moral insanity".
Pal/wloggy. 3,000,o00 of undeveloped neuroun inthe pale,anem'ic,undernourished frontal convolutionsof their credulous, cowardly little cocoanuts.
'
Syneptom. Bible-pondering; regular church-trots .
after yet another fearful dose of theological hell-brew.Low foreheads,aeroplsne ears,gloomy eyes and ghastly grins,preten,ding to, be cheerful,angelic smiles; AIso,spells of sighing or crying,pi_'ayin_g and paying lib- .
erully to "chu,_rities.',' or at f'Uhristian'_’, hi_lsritiee,and
denouncing frantically a.ll_natu.ralists, who, with Edi,son and Huec-kel,believe not in immortality of individual respimtions or "souls",ss devils incarnate, enemies of hunmn civilization! For its true friends must,of course, be noble tartarophobes who, by talk, wouldSnVe it from hell and eternal damnation! -Phat such idebs are never":an¢"iLlusious, hsllucinutionsdind delusions, but very inasne ones, no mutter how poyularand prevalent, 15 selfevidcnt to all fnirly _unmutilatedminds not afflicted with conventional monophobias.
Prognosis. Dnmflably desperate. . ..
Trealmenl. Since dry logic avails little, give tartsrophobes a VOlt8i1'l-.-ux] mud-bath in Ingerso1lic~sunshine,and Sunday mornings regularly Puck's motto.If they don't like it
,
give them Biblical-- hell.—<>eo-
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____-__..--____..........,..‘ __~_ ,_ _ _
_ Chapter XIIBIPWUII, - KW?“ ll l§“fIi.lU,U INTI}!
..' S.;'n0ny1ns,.S§ufer1Vllhn8inl1;, mania-a-potu; alco- '
holismus; drankergalskab; beverage-poisoning.
Definition. Habitual overstimulation of the heartand circulation of blood by any drinkable or thinkeble cardiac accelerant in liquid fonn, such as coffee,
. tea, beer, Hoffmann’s auodyne, Peruna, wines, whiskies, brandies, gins, cocktails, Veuve -C.liquot, aqua... vita,White House angel-soup or Prohibition mince-pie.-—Overworked, fagged-out money-chasing heads, heartsand limbs demand and need a bracing rapidity of the
blood-currents increasingly. But when overdone, thehabit becomes a" dangerous monomania.
Etiology. The money-making spirit of this greatand glorious economic Bedlam scrambling franticallyfor dolla1-8 and doughnuts under cooperative capitalism and competitive labor. Minor causative factors of
dipsomania are scrub ancestors,'saloon-keepers, brewers,distillers, and socalled "moral education".
Morbid Ana/omy. Active hyperomia of the stom
ach, duodenum, kidneys, lungs and brain occurs in allpersistent overatimulators, whether the favorite drink ~
be alcoholic, or alkaloidal as in most teas and coffees.
Pleura and pericardium may contain bloody fluid; the
liver being swollen,ths bowels inflated,and the braintuckered almost out from insomnia. Fats are supera
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4!
abuiidant in the blood and omentum, but often scanton the bones. Connective tissue is overproduced and
strangles higher tissues and the functions of viscera,such as in the organs of digestion, excretion, generation,thought and will.
v
' '
Symptoms. Delirium, tremors and hallucinationsof sight, feeling or faith. Horrid animals seem romping on the bed; snaky devils wriggle and leer, uncoiland blink on the wall or hang hissing down from the
ceiling. Like.a vaudeville singer the patient tremblesand like unto Billy Sunday he talks fervently throughhis hat,about his horr0rs,as objective realities. Coffeeor tea topers have finer nervous trembles, since theirtoxic habit seems more domestic and less nasty. Butthey can see and say horrible things not so, too,when
at their cups. even rank lies about their neighbors. ,
Prognosis. As good as in most lunauies. Driuk,die-;
d= ink not, die to0,¥.claim the Germans.'
Treatment, Since confirmed dipsomaniscs mayhardly be made over again by therapeutics or "moralsuasion",let them enjoy their present legal rights to
go to heaven or hell in their own way, the same as do
all other free American citizens. Coffee- or tea.-drunkards need guardians or gags, while sane people need,
must and will have at least gastronomic freedom. Letsaloons starve, hotels and restaurants thrive, grocers
be grnntid license to retail bottle-beer and wines,and
the wholesaling of liquors be granted exclusively to
educated pharmacists in decent drug-stores.*~
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42
Chapter.XIII
Flwllum ill-lfiffiSynonyms. Folio incendieire; feuerglotzen; fire
glee; joie pyrotechnique; Fourth-of-July frenzy.
Definition. A pandemic United States psychosistaking ecstatic delight in making or looking at burning objects go up in sparks, flames, rolling clouds ofsmoke, and in a diaholic ran'ket,the more the merrier,
akin.mentally and morally to Nero's hilarious glee atthe burning of Rome in 64, a crazy deed of his own,
but blamed to the then quite disreputable Christiansby the paid pale of his imperial pyromsniuc majesty.-
i Eliology. Crazy ancestors and beastly undevelopécl or over-developed brain-spots.
Pathology. In the cerebral mechanism of all firefiends some wheels are too big, others too small, withloose nuts, rattling bolts, slipping gears, and danger
ousold gasoline motors without safety valves.
. ‘S;.mpioms. Msnufectnringbuying or shooting offfire-crackers and sky-rockets. Flinging the baby intothe wood-box and gelloping off bareheaded, or in one
shoe, any time summer and winter,night or day,-—forblocks;.— to revel in the excitement and pleasures ofseeing a house burn down, and telling the owner how
bad they feel,thongh hoping he is well insured. Also,smokers wasting a hundred matches on a lit cigar, orinoendieries saving their matches for spite-work.
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43giPrognosis. Depends on remedies used, and their
skillfnhpersistent application. Several millions of ad
olescent American fire-eaters should recover.Trealmeul. Pyromaniac mothers or love-sick las
sies ever on the jlimp for a fire-bellmay be tetheredto the cradle or padlocked to the bed-poet. On patriotic Fourth-of-July racketeers "the new Minneapolismethod for sane celebrations" peacefully in the public parks under police surveillance,as persistently ad
vocated by our sober press,has evidently been efficacious at preventing many pyromaniac fires and thusat saving lives and property. Absent-minded smokersfooling around recklessly with matches may be hungupside down on a clothes line daily to gravitate moreblood and sense into their shallow brains, and incendiaries of the Nero variety may either be hung in theSouthern way,burned at a hitching p0st,or buried insome Christian insane asylum.
i '
—-¢€'—'~
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Chapter XIV "
. IUNMH,-T‘ ill“ lllflfl
Synonyms. La folio souriante; subrisum fetuum;
tollgrinsen; smilesygen; galengrin..D¢y'im'h'o»n. To smile at something,be it pleasant
or ridiculous,is natural;to smile at tragic things or at
nothing is lunacy. Meidemsnia signifies these letter
two varieties of smiling,.and is one of the omnipres-i
ent,most popular purenoias in the laud. Our dear United States of North America are wmpt in perpetual
smiles of fifty million styles from Sandy Hook to Se
attle and from Yukon to Florida.Etiology. Custom.—Says Cowper:
."Such dupes are men to cust0m,snd so prone to
reverence whet is ancient, and can plead a course oflong observance for its use, that even servitude, the
worst of ills,beceuse delivered down from sire to son,
is kept and guarded as a sacred thing"!Dame Fashion,-—of whom.Colton wrote:“Custom is the lew of one description of fools,
and fashion of another; but the two perties clssh often; for precedent is l8giSlut01’ of the first, and noveltyof the lest",—j ust as among smiling parunoincs.
Pathology. Millions of cortex neurones in a bé.by
ish state of non-development, the victims sporting puerile heads and gigantic feet.
.‘>)-mplom3. Smiles, _smiles,smiles. Nice weather,
-=~
»..
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45
smiles all over. Bad weather, glum grins. Somebody
married, ear-to-ear smiles, accompanied perchauce byboudoir giggles and celibate horse-laughs. Baby born,
county smiles. Grandma dead, smiles of condolence,
often with desperate efforts to help shed tears. Andso on and so forth with smiles continually for every
thing, since custom or fashion is sa delighted in faces
"always lit up by a smile"! Although Carlyle wrote:
"Some men wear an everlasting barren simper;
in the smile of others lies a cold glitter, as of ice; the
fewest are ableto laugh what can be called laughing,"but only sniff and titter and sniggle from the throat
outwards, or at least. produce some whiffling, huskycachinnations, as if thep were laughing through wool; .
of none such come good. The man who cannot laugh
is only fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils; but hisown whole life is already a treason and a stratagem",
as that_of American millions of meidemaniacs,merely
able to smile,smile, smile!
Prognosis. "Of none such. come good".Treatment. Remove from thesmiling gentle sex
all straps, corsets, hampering customs and burlesquefashions that cripplebodies and mutilate bmins, and
from masculine meidemaniacs trim off their bighead.
Wherever necessary. undress them and give them another look at their ghastly grins in a new Carlyle-Voltairenn mirror. If that don't make them laugh natur
ally, give them baboon serum in Dr.Jonathan_ Swift'selixir of Dublin teufelsdreck. ,
_.,. "
v
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Chaptca? xv|mmI|,- [Calm id
Syrzanyms. Business sagacity, Jockey-Jim smartness; high finance, conservative journalism, jurisprudence,statesmanship,religion,wise diplomacy, American genius; pseudomania; Yankee dementia.
Defiuifiors. Apatemania is a mental and moral a
lienation of pan-American extension sndhigh popularity North and South,East and West,since it thinkstruth and honestypoor policies,lying and fooling av.
erybody, especially "the people", superior wisdom in. well" nigh everything. That deception is true wisdom
and truthfulness folly is originally a Jesuitic dogma,now thoroughly systematized andfully Americanizedby our aputemaniac lawyers,scribea,pulpiteers,snd allour smooth commercial adultemtors of merchandise.
Etiology. Jackass fathers and~ foxy mothers. Addiction to narcotics, bug-juice, delusive religions, butespecially to money,—the love of which is indeed the
root of much, if no ”of all evil". Deceptive teachers
and text-bookzypreachers and bibles, Jesuitic schools,
their tools and hired fools. In brief, scurvy ancestors
and treacherouspmaeculating trainers.
Pathology. Liars,frauds,humhngs of all descript
i0ns,unable or unwilling to make their living honest
ly,have many undeveloped brain-spots. Their enceph
alon has much in common with the brains of leeches,\
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Deveney (
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. 47
spiders,leaf-insects,the deceptive walking-stick or the
seductive mantis religiosa. In preachers and lawyersthe Island of Beil is unduly and irregularly enlargedin proportion to the other lobes of their brain.
'
Symptom. Airs and logic,sweet or rank. Plebei.ans are easily duped by either method. The small-fry
"deceptionists working, like hired-men for their board,at dirty jobs of "fooling the common herd" as clerks,
editors,preachers of god’: zuord,professors of classics,von Morganheimer congressmen, Standard-Oil senat
ors or even so-called governors and presidents,——such
subservient apatemaniac dunces or decoys usually goit the sweetest "logical" way possible. Not because
they don't like the haughty aristocratic way. Ye gods,
how republican democrats and American theocrats dolove that! But they are afraid of it, having read some
French history, and noticed from many little slips inthe press how the -mobs- are again getting restless,or
perhaps ugly,unmanageable. So our "smooth" spatemaniacs play the scoundrel nit.'ely,leaving it to genuine "bigbugs",deceptive goldbugs _o
f Lombard-WallStreet,their trusted judges and treasury turn-keys,toplayhuffy heros in grand style a la Sir John d-Astorvon Rothschild-Morganheimer, with his Tedders andTufts,kings and grand things galore! 'l-he "logic" ofapatemaniacs is composed of beautiful phrases, crazylaws, polished police-clubs,grand armories and armies
' of soldiers,par.asites and paupers,the latter created,en
tirely for kind Christian exploitation,by an allwise,be
nevolent Goodness-Gracious above the clouds,just as
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48
domestic animals were created for farmers, minnowsfor big fish or sheep for wolves. Even Colonel Roosevelt, one of our morally saryast and noblest Americans, is yet leaning intellectually somewhat towards a
foresaid apatemaniacal "logic".Pm;-»<m;Good,when majorities awake to learnGood,when majorities awake to learn
coherent voting for American instead of for apatema
niac prosperity.-— Money-maggots are not the whole
American cheese yet, and "the people" are fast gut
ting onto that fact. When labor-unions and Socialistic evolutionists have drilled our by moneymaniacs so
despised "tin-pail brigade" a little further in cooperation, and the next capitalistic crisis arrives, the sick
'
man may rave a spell from hyperpyrexia. But that isnatural,since he has always raved about his own im-v
portance_and fit survival. Yet he too finally goes, no
remedies or powers on earth,in heaven or gehenns a
ble to save him; even few caring to. Thus from heart
failure he dies. -fA good riddancel“ smile millions at
the funeral of all treacherous apatemaniacs, not oneof them morally fit to survive.
Trecftment. Expectant; symptomatic; if he shows
a homicidal tendency, chloroform or, bloodlet him prore nata. Put him to sleepsomehow, -—- with a sledgehammer, if nothing else avails.
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49'
_~"" ' '". ~,=--..--—-“zap--I.\==-..8
Chapter XVI
EMPORl0HMli|..- Bfllfilflfll UIIKY
S.ynonym.s. Handelstoben; folie de commerce; 10-'
cure. de los judios; kréimmergalskab; poleomania; oneoxnania; the trading craze.
l
Defin2'li0n. Emporiomania is a composite mentaland moral subnormality made up of some laziness and
great money-greed, a fondness for legal. lying and ea
sy profit-pilfering, performed in swell trousers, loud.neckwear, oiled hair, the foremost church pew, finest.
l
automobile or airship, the greatest bank account andthe grandest building on Midas avenue! The lunacyis psychologically an adult childishness akin to sen
ile dementia,or dotage. To enjoy gaud and loud follymay be natural in children, though absurd in adults.Folly is a childhood privilege. But devoting the best
part of one’s lifetime awake at the buying and sellingof gauds, gawds or freuds,—what-s that? That is em.
poriomania, a very common and popular plebeio~American alienation of judgement and will in both sexes,
characterized by absurd or unblushing fashions,wildcommercialism in lots of logical incoherence behindmany grand illusions, hallucinations and worshippeddelusions en gm: or en detail.
. __
Etz'a1og.y. The lunacy is, under eupheme designations,promoted by Jews and Jesuits, agents of Christ
Genera
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50
and angels of Mammon,who label it "the great civilizer", since it supplies mutual wants, be these biblesor battle-ehipe,velvets or virgins. Emporiomauia mayfurthermore be caused, encouraged and helped along
by unprincipled newspapers,lawyers,law-makers,j ud
ges,governors,presidenta,bankere,archbishops end ho
ly cardinals, who don’t mind "conservative" insanityat all,if there be "something good in it" for them!'—~
Pathology. Emporiomaniuc heads are often smalll
and weazen from deep pondering over the six all—im
portant -words in Websters Unhbridged Dictionu-y,to wit: Buy-»~Low-—Sell—-High--.Lots-Cash. Theirleft cerebral hemisphere is bigger than the right; the
frontals look pale and mushy, or bluish dirty,on post
mortem"
section; and the whole emporiomaniuc brainweighs on the average about x223 grams, less than insane women or intelligent hottentots. In a deed captain of industry it resembled an over-ripe squash internally;that of a departed banker was found tough as
New-England eolc leather; and in an expired l)Ol1IB€
gambler in stocks and food-stuffs the cerebral paren
chymn seemed stinking rotten and its five ventriclesdistended (“logically“!) with phosphuretted hydrogen
gee, due possibly to a week hem-t and pus8iVe,8tercoremic brain congestion ere kicking the bucket.
Symptoms. Emporiomaniacfl would much rather
buy than eat,sell than excrete, cheat than treat, shirkthan work, lie low than climb high, unless it be withair-ships or in sky-scrapers, cash receipts or mush de
ceits. To commercial lunatics any gold coin outshines
-
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-5,!
.the sun in glory,silvier_dolla.rs- the:,lu'!iy=Ino_on,snd the
clanking ingle of. ql1a.rters,,d.imes';.nickles .or penniesis the. sweetest of all symphonies on earth,beating.the .
Beethoven sonatas.and ="=the.m'usic.of the. spheresflfall'
hollovytzfj We don’_t want no poets! ’,but .,we.mu_st.ha.=ve
,emporia,opined. recently s: swell; female» emporiommi"ac in London; F_ashionable+empor_ia,oE_coursel=.Grand
establishments of marble", n1ahoga.ny,sgold'-frame? mirrors and electric light-floods,where patent-lsa.ther.jan~>
itors bow,dignified .floor-,walkers, smile and tell customers how nice the weather is and how perfectly delighted they =will'be to do anything, particularly forstylish .youngladiesl At introducing ;to them. therarious department specialists in satins,silks,laces,hose
and garters,p1.incesse corsets and celestial. hats, .ontoanything else they ma)».Xdeign tor desire in such bwe
jutiful, puffeckly c/zawm-ing weathahl Oharmecl_irresistibly by the many brilliant illusions" they._hear,see,
feel hinted.at,'taste or smell as pure Hymettidhoney, .
tempted»oneomaniacs buy and tempting poleomaniacssell, for.cash. or on credit, _all,.kinds and quantitiesl of
superfluous, useless, ridiculous, or positively .harmfi1l' commercial nonsense from "rats" to"rot ut", um toI
gold bricks, "lost manhood?- to hopes‘ of heaven. _Even remission of sins or "noble" sons-in-law,f-:mininevirtue and the health, the life of American citizens,are yet bought and sold by innumerable emporioma
niacs at large. "Business is business",leer the clever
_., vendors. "Sound horse sense", gloat our commercial
statesmen. "Yes,like hell“,cry the victims sold.
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O?
r.3 ." f.Prog1m.n's..;_ Trade lunatics-will become intellectu.ally. sane-whencrows» turn white,.leo'pezds change their»spots,fr0gs.l.'earn to fly, pigs to play the piano,vermin »
learn_ decency; when;= hell freezes over, or when Soci.alism iputsan end to it..:Mora1ly~'speaking,' only very.few.¢o£= them-scan. ever 'get.well,- fion their instincts are
.Ias. a rule essentially" those.of.itheé my lianswindlerorthief, aIth‘ough¢th_eir‘ravings parade as »“hsrd. common
sense“ and their looting of~Labor as “pr0fits"! v
-i¢::'. Trea.*menL.'"Most: emporiomaniacs will, when the
.American.people have ahadfenoughlof mercantile rav
ages and splendor, be treated .likerefonn-school per_verta or asylum .idiots..Forlit is even lunacy to let" lu.natics runsto;ruin'"the.material for the greatest econ
omic democracyon earth;,»Until"that great change isan." accomplished fsctrnay retailers"be treated with civvility, wholesalers.with= forbearance, .-di-ummers- withKnights-of-Gideon . bibles,and their stylish ,omnipres
.Bnt:.-faffininties“ with q.s.,of genuine German:' . "
' '
"Gesundheitswiederherstellungsmittelzusammenmischungsverhiltniskundigerwissensbhaftlichkeit“,ifthey'dare,tahe_ it.=If,not, give them up_too. "
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*“" '
"F5:
1.50%-In l.;»:.!.- 4:3:1} ..'.a.as faz;d} mi? cl .=:.:.x'x>\~..w'?.' I
:'~i .~".
1._;§.1 .l!£5..Z.:1:'1:.: ;;..i-.uni'<-1s-:==: as lo as lo
rnvoid a,e.+i=,;...-03~
.'U.-:I.§:'..{..=,'}.:'?
:s.-1'e-- :84. ~v.~.._,".13.2,
-!"_’» ii.,i‘:l3 -uni!..'z 4.in~czzw. ." Kin .2..l“~
.i_~m::,;.,z,:ni. .w".; :3 wash.
T"
Al
¢§;1.. :_: ‘1:~,-..:::iz{ ::ew:' mil v.E
.;-='5 uvnym. ,Rade1:app81x1;~;:£olie~de3roular;s;kj6rs,_vanvid; automobilismus; Y
. fervor rotatiliszrcirculaixtimsanity; .trilljanni.ng. iii 1.": >iu.=¢: ¢, .~,.:=, .-1" H
. -....in
=:'...Dt.flnifi0m A. childish enthusiasm ixrmany adulttop-knots at seeing and feeling round.objects,rotate,
, ": ..
. .J. .,:.-~ 1i/AU?,!1.'7Ol"li.77l)I,i£:)'£i;-i§.3tl. ~ .
buzz,puff, whirr, honk loud, 1-un..fast,get~ there;qnick.- »
er than greased American, lightning downany Yortho-i
dox church»steeple,—. immaterial whether or"_,not., such
.rollicky fun winds~ up in .a. hospital, damagesuit, asy
lum. or, sudden .funerals, when the,..wheeI--devotee onlymayenjoy spinning movements.and.“ride»like.hell-!;
At the present. time there.are . over ,6o,ooo,ooo of oth»
erwise fairly sane cyclomaniacs in~the_United. States.
Most Yankees who can_aifox_d it have got it..!"»:.. = , , Etiology. . New-En gland .spindle shanks; westerncorpulenee. Lack of or aversion. for musculanexeroisecalled, in common parlance, laziness..;The-streptococ
cus Rotae grandiosus: sometimes the bacillus:Cr0esi‘.
_Wheel-passion"may also. be generated by smooth ad‘
vertising, persistent agents .and the=spi1-it of progressOr, at least, of being every bit asigoodnasianybody inthe neighborhood at-—getting there. ~;- min. _;,.!; ~ Qt.
Palhology. Many undeveloped brain spots, and
few wheels too big, withirilfnost cyclomaniac skulls.
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~;54
S.ymp!0m.z. In the front seat, facing a wheel a-top
of a back-slanting brass-rod, sits a featherless owl with
goggles, a brown littleplacenta.on his bald head, Si~
herian elbowugloveisilandisupraipedestrian airs, -—1mm
sieur le cbauf/:ur,sQKIpQtimB_s"8_-;l_}iIed gentleman,uéually the boss himself in -this- demoeriatic West. Behind.hiln reclines.bare-headed, withl silken streamers rear
~wards,a. poetic -creation,defined=»byl Kipling as -.-A .rag
and a bone and e. hank of hair“; anci behindTher‘e1,ise
-whirling clouds of duet or smoke and thenauseating,emetic funie's=of1 gasoline. And such is the cycloman
iacsfihoppety-honk.heaven on eertli,.whether the ami
bulanue beimotor-bicycle or grand touring-car» -I -.:'
Prog1:o:z':.=_ Good.~ A~ditch, iron.lpost, stone inall or .
embankment: splash! crush! to hell.with two or three
thousand dollars cash§and t'o=heaven.with their cyclomaniae owners:—to foot‘ it ongolden- sideéwalks while1-estiiig theinwings and twanging'their. harps of goldto.uneaivthlyeitrains of Y‘ankee‘D00dle!. ‘=14’.;i .
Treaiinenl; .=A reliiibleffemiliarity with physice,
mechanics andi sobriety should by law.be _exa_ct4,-cl ere
licenseba issued; to automobile owners.oi chauffeurs.When these seem_as~brainless.7as a vehicle, license tolionk and" Mink, mutilate and'kill, might be .gently re
fiised and; from licensed intractable »Wild-Bills,I~su'm'-_
marily 'reealled'. For: speed-lunatics .military - -blank;
eting.-_-,or.an=o1d~fashioned dose of tzimmd-feathers, isindicated, always effective and sometimes eurativen lls 3.1: zfege nzeza .21..:¢.=;» aw ~,'_a'eu_ .:=-.\:.."_._-¢§-" ". _'....".. »~
.t;..,.' ~ ».1"-:£:2:-:1 1'I.:=ifT;~'!2r1} ',. ..§‘:=f".' : Je . .." ~. . _... .' . -~
Genera
ted f
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John P
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Deveney (
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55
Chapter XVIII~ Pfilfllilllll,-Elflflfllil M Gill!!!
S_j-'r¢0'r:.yms. Ataviomania; sartorismns; hautenr cl’
habillement; skridderlidenskab; foppery; apradegal—skab; folie a ls mode; koksaférniuzhet; lakeilordose;pfauenstolz; franenliebe; bonnet-bliss.
"
_
D;/inition. Peplotatomania means a predominating pnseion for gaudy or fine garments in millions ofhuman males,females,nenters or hermaphrodites, whobut think,dream of,st1-uggle and save,starve or cheat n
bit daily so us to afford buying,for cash or on the instalment plan, emporiomaniac "goods" or fineries toput on,and thus in a jiffy become transformed easilyinto tailor-made or hand-me-down lu.di88 and gents ofsome note who "take a l)8Ck-Seat for nobody"! No sir,not by a. dnm-eight! In these Jewnighted states ever
ybody wizh "good close" is as goodes anybody,thinkall peplotutomaniacs at large. _ . _
Etzblogy. Vaingloi.ions fathers and mothers. Lazy or ignonmt teschers of science,sense and so-celled"morulS" or customnry habits. Commercial newspapers boosting money-wild manufacturers, jobbers and
retailers of flashy things to wear, be they made from
leather or paper,silk or shoddy, gold or brass,paste ordiamonde,s.nali_es or rats.
'
Pathology. Millions of undeveloped brain cells inthe gyri of judgement and will.
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Deveney (
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J 55 .
Symploms. Peplotate paranoiacs pose like a goddess or~ strut like a peacock. Legs spread; chest bulging; calves bent backwards; head held high,overlooking the environment. Frequent little brushings off of
imaginary hairs and fly-specks from lapelle or sleeve
by hand or kerchief; thereupon, dainty caresses over
coiffure to keep feathers,blossoms,fruit,sausages and
birds away from sub-capillary pins,rats and serpents.
Peplotatomaniac little gentlemen are often sold rath
er long suspenders,in consequence of which they are
compelled to yank up their cleft nether garment con
tinually, also to avert suspicion from this by a learn
ed adjustment of the gold-rimmed pine:-mz, jinglingof pocket coin,whistling a bar,spitting, looking everyminute at the watch, blowing another mote from thehat, straightening up with dignity, and smiling. Elderly maids may weep tears and children holler “fire“or “murder“,if overwhelmed by calamities in clothes.Many hyperpeplotics paint, flirt, chew gum or smoke,
and several millions of them drink.Pr0gnosz's. Bud. “Never cured", says Dr. Samuel
Johnson; for “their soul is in their clothes", allegesthe authorof Shakespear’s plays.
Trealment. Overdressing ladies may beneficiallybe treated with ironic admiration, their milliners andtailors with sympathetic grins,tailor-made gents withsilent contempt, and their deluded offspring with theroot of all good things on earth,-—the truth.
—-o~><>—
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Q 2
~-' :A_;_' '1f.1'r-r-:-f_——.u.\_-|.- .
_..____...._..%_._;_~._~_ __..‘._ ..... . -. . _ ,._ ..¢_.-..._...__..
'57
Chapter
uim-wu,. cammt mun
Syrzanyms. Pratsjukan; klatschenwut; folie babilleuse; snakkesalighed; rabies theologicorum. ‘
Definition. A restless, unbridled, noisy conditionof the human tongue, larynx and brain,striving' frantically to produce sensible linguistic sounds, but onlyable to excrete rank nonsense: flatulent rhetoric and
sadly incoherent logic. The aberration is a quite prevalent and popular one in these United States where~
approximately seventy-five millions of mammals are
more or less afflicted with it,whether they have anything to say, or not.— Particularly among the gentlesex and our consecrated, lalomaniac gentlemen.
Causalive Fadors. In the country it looks nice to
keep talking: smart, learned, well educated, witty, andone’s own voice often sounds nice too. Besides, interesting facts happen all over dailyto be told, explained or discussed, at least hinted at, by the "giant cells .
of the Public Mind",whether the theme may be nev
er before told or unutterable tales. This latter kindbelongs to gentlemen of the cloth, however, because
lheir rhetorical jaw-work is "ineffal>le" about poeticaffairs that have happened, like other illusive or hal
lucinatory events, merely in lalomaniac imaginations.The lunacy may also result from laziness, money-loveand forefathers with greater jaw than brains.
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._..__.__..._._._...--.__-. 4.-~.., .
53' "
Pathology. Encephalon small, shriveled, rattlingloose; the central lobe enlarged in chattering women,
swollen in auctioneers and mushy in Pulpiteers. Thelittle brain behind is the main thing within most la
lomaniac calvaria.~' ~ i
. Symploms. Auditory illusions,hallucinations and
unsystematized delusions. Auctioneers often mistake
smut for wit; orthodox women,parrots for prophets or
Billy Sunday for Jesus Christ; and raving theological wind-jammers,—their own incoheretly systematiz.ed
Biblical jabber for indeed "The Word of God".—Todoubt,disbelievs in or even but smile at such absurd
ities is yet branded as blasphemy, atheism, socialism,
anarchism, or what not,,by lalomaniac rattle-brains.. Prognosis. Hell and eternal damnation.
. ..Treatmml. Daily,iucreasingly,the uninterruptedburlesque-satirical current from head to foot to speed
the circulation and by absorption try to remove mush
from their shrunken or tumid gray-matter. The slow
interrupted current,or a Voltairean gag, to their un
ruly tongues. Auctioneers and political blatherskitesmay be trephined, cerebrally aspirated and disinfected, packing all vaeua wit_h sterile "cotton-tails"; and
likewise may lalomaniac pulpiteers be drilled for gasand packed for inane air-spaces within their skulls.
Internally may be given them tonic doses of phos
phorized fish-oil in extractumpsittaci.
—90$-*
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Chapter XX
flRlPll0ll>lXIl,- llli SCUINM lllllfl
S)'n0n.ym.s. Skrivekloe; folie du griffonnage; tinteschmierertoben, federtobsucht;. escarabajio; skriv—
ande-sj ukan; blandomania editorum. , . .
Defz'uilz'ou. A pan-American mental ethetosis oc
curring usually in lazy students,ambitious typesettersor printers’ devils, thin lawyers and dry preachers. or
clumsy school-teachers with rustic faces and inferiorgifts-of-gab, to pose or prance as--authorsystatesmen,
critics, philosophers, poets, authorities and moulders
or leaders of public opinion and morals inall profitable projects, although but few of them can write better periods or more unitarian paragraphs than a thirdgrade, Kandiyohi schoolmam. American graphomaniacs do everything by book-rule because of their phenomenel erudition, insight, foresight and catholic hindsight, and nearly all of them are as fond of rosy pictures as printers of cash or kindergarten-kids of Minnehaha candies. . . . . . .
Etiology. Muscular insufficiency or indolence inlegs,hips,back,shoulders and ch_est,due to lanky heritage and feeble motor-trophic innervation. In naturalconsequence,a predominating desire to run the worlda-sitting down. By merely a few genial pencil-strokesnow and then; but always according to sound rhetor
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~60
ical principles and around business syllogisms withfully developed middle terms sometime-s,of course. Itmay,furthermore,be caused by educationsl,scientific,humanitarisn,poetic or dramatic motives apparently,
though at heart lacking sadly the glowing candoz-,the
divine "writing foolishness" of genuine literary ge
nius. The commonplace graphomaniac wants to make
an easy living by regular, dead carpentry-work withhis pen,e.s cheap lawyers, preachers, politicians and a
lot of other hand-organs by the same kind of rhetorical machine.-work"make e very fair living, ’with their
‘
"tongue. If the over-production be a deluge of jetsam
and flotsam rhetorical scum crestin g commercial shod
dy, smart readers will look out and fools will swallow
"smooth,fine writing" cheerfully as usual. To make
monkeys of their readers right along and thereby lots
of hush-money for "decent" suppressions of truth orfine lies about ruling moneymaniacs and their piousaccessories, while posing as literary search-lights ofdazzling brillisncy,are the chief causes of two hundred thousand cases of American graphomania today.
Pal/mlogy. Innumerahle brain-cells,devel0ped no
more than their homologues in book-keepers, carpenters or machine agents, abound in most heads suffering from "the writing itch", notably in front of andabove the calamus scriptorius. In Sacred graphomaniece the velum z'nlerpasz'tum is thick and their cereb
ral roriex miserably thin.Symptoms. Average academic scribes with a lite
rary bee in their ventricles are rhetorical routinists,
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6!
syllogistic plodders. They do everything by rule: eatand drink, chew and think, smoke and spit, stand orsit,hug and kiss,hit or miss,go to bed,itch their head,
pat their ms.te,procreate,snore in aleep,lsughior weep,
play or fight, talk and write — "regularly". In strict
obedience to the rules of Prof. Sawbuck's grammar,Miss Csrpent-er's Sunday-school rhetoric, Machiavelli's logic and the orthodox Wall-Street ethics of SirJohn the aforesaid whose hired g'raph0maniac_ decoysfaithless thousands of them are. Many of their swellest ones rule it down East, especially in Washington,
'
Boston and New York city, where they have for years"_successfully" suppressed, kept down, starved out orkilled off many a literary, poetic or dramatic geniusby their stereotype writing-rules for literary suicide.But committing this in order to shield scoundrels by
gagging freedom, choking truth and printing illustrated toilet paper by the train-load,— that's wlmt Com
stockian prudes, Hitchcockian dudes, orthodox pimpsand graphomaniac imps call "decency"! It is due inthe main not to any lack of American literary geniusof the highest order, but to strangulating mechanical
impediments to free and genial writing in the shapeof rigid catholic rulu hating freedom,that so little of
our present printed matter is at all worth reading.
Graphomanis. chronica may be positively diagnosticated from so-called “fine writing“, a holy terror ofseeing in print such awful things as Hubbard's“dsmmit“ or Miss G'roldman-s “eloquent pants“,— and fromthe “doing of writing on business principles“.
'
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62 I
Prognosis. Death, dust, oblivion.. Trea/menl. The intellectual conceit and Ischari
otic. moral insanity of our Big-Business graphomaniac newspapers,n1aga2ines, and hired "authors","maybe treated well at the Roycroft Sanatorium in EastAurora,i,*ew York State. Dr.Fra Elbertus Hubbard isits genial superintendent. He has no "mush" on hisbrain,bu_t a rare influx and efflux of_the ’Kosmic Kilowatt’; and yet his heart is full of the undiluted milkof human kindness. Associated with him is a select
~assortment of real American angels,male and female,
notdeed. Around the village church grins an ortho-'
dox grave-yard full of bones; facing it, smiles a mod
ern crematory surrounded by thrifty t,rees,bloseomingbeds of roses and cheerful, inviting bird-song. Some
what behind the church.stands a livery-stable with a
quite regular but never big enough pile up along itsrear wall- .On either of these places may capitalistic,sacrosenct and academic graphomaniacs be treated to
all they want,or finally need,—-—, with"clearness,force,ease,unity,kinds of sentences,pa:-agraphs,whole com
positions (de_- and re-composings),sci+..ntific or artistic description,methodic movements,,exposi tion, propo
sition and proof, evidence, deduction and.. induction,antecedent, probability, example, sign, arrangement,and persuasion’ ’. Solecisms, improprieties and.barbar
isms are not used at Dr.Hubbard’s Sanitarium. It isneither brewery nor brothel, but a semi-aocialistic literary nest hatching nuggets and gems; the finest and
sanest book-concern in New-York»S=-ate. If conceited
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63'
newspepar jack-planes,msgazine foot-rules and prosyscratch-awls of god Mammon can't pass the Roycroftentrance examination for literary lollipops, they mayfind employment in the livery barn,or among scratch
ing roosters behind it. Rejects even there are liableto find the crematory too' revolting or expensive. Buttombstones don't mind anybody. Even Metropolitangraphomaniacs may thus be most successfully treatedunderneath a towering monument, like fresh cottagecheese by putrefacient "micro-organisms,~ at last, For,morbific,deadening,menticidal, rotten to the core,wastheir money-crazed graphomaniacal life-work.
l
When Socialism has decapitated frantic Mammon,and naturalized or homebred childishness gets civilized a bit beyond dollars and cents, authors, journalistsand book-manufacturers may be licensed,or ’recalled’
to better doings,by majority votes. Wolves in sheeps’
clothing can be made harmless; and purveyors of rotten reading-matter,to respect literary pure-food laws.
Few of our advertisement sheets or magazines‘ withtheir army of scribblers may fancy heroic treatment.But they will have to stand it, if such a literary quarantine be good for American sanity. Writers of fresh
cowboy-literature are too raw to burn, wherefore theymay be dried up in a hot-room of the ‘Catholic purga
tory or the Presbyterian hell. As for our commercial
poets or dramatists—rnb them in with powdered mu
cuns. in procelensmatic metre from prow to stern.
.—©O§-.—
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,-..~
Chapter _XXI ,~_
». ..'.
¢ '"".S)~no}p'}n:.lZunksucht; vriompaiseri; tvistsjukan;folie chicane; erizomunia; rubies rixosa; animus jurisconsultorum; kranglesyge; paranoia litigiosa.
" i
"Defz'nil:'on, Reasoning mania signifies that irresistible desire in millions of unbalanced men or wom
en to dispute,gainsay,wrungle iover,argue,juw,or go to
law,ahout anythinggagainst anybody, at any time dayor night,since reasoning maniacs are,like theologiansor supreme-court judges,aIwa_y: right and,like Washington Irving’s pedagogue, Ichabod Crane, of Sleepy
Hollow in New-Engla'nd,':po'ssessing" "that remarkable quality of the tough arguer that he never knows
when he is beat". This paranoia is widely prevalentand very popularamong kitchen-maids,horse-jockeys,
peddlermmachine-agents, promoters of_gold-mines on
Jupiter or infant—foods frourthe .Milky Way; amongmarried or otherwise women; politicians, preachers oftough dogmna,mediocre barristers,scribblers,authors,
professors of logic,-/self-important prigs and SmartAlecks all orer. "Its incoherence is usually infantile,~its illusions and hallucinations roseate or gloomy be
yond allreason; but its delusions are always those ofcheerfully idiotic grandeur.
Etiology. Reasoning mania at large as in asylums
‘a
.
--_,
__,_
._._
._.
,~_-
=.»
-- »
»1
__»»""
_»._
""
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55
may be produced by insufficient learning, a smattering only of general or professional"education’_’." For,"elittle learning is a dangerous. thing", asserts thatmost Splendid English 1-ea80l18l', Alexander Pope..l TheLutheran. and Cntholl.Q parochial schools, academies,colleges and semineries do certainly give their disci-.ples u ."Ii/tlc learning", Theynre, therefore, not onlydangerous things,but etiological factors of mentalandlIl0l'ul insanity. Uninformed parents, reasoning.sadlyabout ’our godless common-schools as portals to hell’,
are, of course, alien and alienating coefficients, as arethe mnny likewise reasoning lunetice of the bar, pressand cloth. Heridity is much, but environment more,to blame as causative of reasoning monomania. ¢ .,
u
"Pat/zolag.y".= Many undeveloped brain-cells"inrthe
convolutions of analysis, oomperis0n,synthesis,imaginetion and scientific respect for truth; mushy hyperplnsia of the speech-center; huge chin,great ears, lowand plumb forehead; nose grand, aquiline or Romanand occasionally dripping from caterrhel premises.
Symploms. Journulistic Wranglers, theological so
phomores and legal freshmen emit a deafening'halluhaloo about major and minor premises, habeas corpusor sedes doctrinee, of iD.VuliCl rutio..inetions in “Burbare, celsrent,darii, ferioque, prioris"; nlso, as to begging the question ( when herd up); about ergum.antsad hominem, when short on facts; but above all, as to
that fundamental sine qua_ non of all valid syllogisuis,
a fully-developed (male or_female) middle term. If it
be undeveloped, or even aristocratically overdevelop
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66
.......-..._»~ ~. .,.» .f‘ ._
ed, the conclusion becomes an invalid. a bastard notpresentable as above a bad joke inlselect rixose soci
ety. Among common wranglers the symptoms are not
so formal, stately and stiff; but they are often rather
more animated, "fres.and-easy-going. American farm
ers, carpenters, plaslerers, painters and paperhangezsreason along bravely either by enthymemes, with on
ly one premise, usually the minor one,or without anyexpressed premises at all. The major one, which now
and than seems to be lhemselves, is suppressed, taken
cocksure for granted.. That's perhaps why they,mors
easily than erudite arguers, can afford such a bountiful crop of gloomy or lively conclusions. To wit: , ,
We are dependent sinners; therefore we should .be
humble. Or, I have the muscle,money,beauty,smart
ness or what not, and therefore you may osculate my
rectitude, gol darn you! No, I won't. You bet you'llhave toll No sirll Yes sir! You are a liar! You're an
other! Wh—y? -Cause you are, and 'cause I say sol .
Prognosis. The poor-house,Trealmenl. Recipe: "
Extracti gnothi seauton.‘...'.'.. .. . .g_rm, 7.
~,l Spiritus veritatis . . . . . . ; ‘.-."."...-.' ." ,, 7. '
"Mellie benevolentiae. . . . . . . ...
,, q.s.
Fiat Tonicum Monismi Haeckelii pnrum.
Signs: One drop in a gallon of water befor:
each paranoiae argumentum rixosae.
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Chapter XXII
noroawui- seam mum
Synonyms. Satyriasis; nymphomania.
De./z'nilz'on. Hyperactivity of a verysinful nervecenter in the lumbar cord of ladies and gentlemen,against the sixth commandment of Moses. '
Bliology. High living and fashionable indolence,productive of much hot-bloodeduess and a deficiencyof castrated selfabnegation. Modern dressmaking, byits voluptuous fashions. Moderate stimulation. Aristocretic blue-blood in bastard hearts,veins and brains.
Comstockian prudery. Superior ’manhood’; irresistible,bewitching feminine loveliness. The procreativelaw of Mother Nature, until toned down by the mor
al laws of extinct orthodox grandpas or eunuchs, .
Pathology. Hyperemia and talented overdevelop- .
ment of sexual nerve-centres in the medulla oblougata and lumbar spinal cord., governed aristocraticallyby many goatish brain-spots in the underdeveloped
gyri of judgement and will. ,
Symploms. Unmention.able: too high-toned, exciting, awful for impotent, envious prudes to read.
Prognosis. As in gluttony ordipsomanie. .
Treatment. Bromides. The ice-bag; blisters; sane
matings; sometimes self-control,or—surgery.
—@9-—
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'tens,otters,wolves,tigers,bears, lions; butchers, pugil
CHAPTER XXIII
fla:|nstsnania,- Blood-Lust
S_ynon.ym.s. Blodtorst; pugilism; chirurgie; Sadism; tapferkeit; guerre; patriotismus; fleischergeist;gloria del ray; spiritus sanguisugae; genie du mous
tique; vaeggeluslyst.
,Dzfinitz'on. A passionate desire within the minds
or brain-souls of many terrestrial animals to see,shed
or taste blood, manifested often among bedhugs,mos
quitos,leeches,gadflies,vampires,weasels,skunks,ma.r
istic enthusiastspannibals,corporals,lieutenants, cap
tains,majors,colonels, generals, admirals, ministers ofwar or of Jehova, bellicose barons, dukes, peers, Sadists, princes, popes, kings, emperors,and eaters of raw
beef-steaks,the world over. Psychologically and mor
ally, Alexander was a highly evolved horse-leech; Oe
sar, the greatest mosquito, and Napoleon the grand
est vampire,of human history.Etiology. Haematomaniac_a.ncestors. Biblical and
"patriotic" training for centuries.
Pathology. Millions of brutally overdevelopcd orchildishly undeveloped brain-spots.
Symptoms. Chops, rare; uppercuts, well done. Uniforms, flags, bands, guns, military parades, maneuv
ers and naval target-practice at sea, at the expense of(
overworked farmers and factory hands. Armories, nsu-~;
'8
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69
ally on'Leech avenue or Vampire heights. Appendectomies, ovariotomies and plenty of "brilliant" surgicalbloodshed, right and left. Betting on pugilists. Adulation of and erecting monuments for the greatest direct or indirect homicides in the land, or private en
couragement to imitate the most glorious man-killers.in human history: raving haematomaniacs.
Prognosis. Not very good.
Trealmenl. Under Christian Capitalism may pugilists, their abettors and promoters be turned over to
the nearest "appendix-specialist" for certain diagnosis and treatment. If the rudimentary gut be alreadygone, aforesaid kind of surgeons dare in splendid car
_nage remove anything else for the same fee. Military .
blood-fiends may be wet-cupped or phlebotomized tillthey want to lie down. Sadiststic dukes, princes and
majesties have been successfully altered by guillotines or hangmen, although the New York electric chairmay be just as good. Haematomaniac church-princesand vicars of Christ,who shoot schoolmasters for tel
ling the truth,should be asylumed. For their case ishopeless and their carcases not worth a penny a pieceneither for dog-meat nor fertilization. Give all blood
thirsty devils their due, untilSocialism puts them to
useful work, or Nature weeds them out.
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........J._._..._..__._»....._. .. . .
7o
CHAPTER XXIV
Paranoia Rcllgiosa
l . S.yno1z.ym:. Religionswahnsinn; folie re
ligieuse; kyrkogalenskap; ortodoksi; gud
hengiven fromhed; Christianity; revivals;, " supreme felicidad; katolicisme; lutherdom;
aandelig vaakkelse; eternal salvation.
Defini1z'on. A pan-American psychosispharacter-,
ized by incoherence,illusions,hu.llucinations and sys. tematized delusions, out of which thirty-five millions
of sapheads cannot be reasoned~ for the time being by
adequate, scientific methods. For to the religious lu-v
natic an old Jewish story-book is everything,— the irrefutable truths of astronomy,geolog.y,biology,embry
ology and evolution -— nothing. "
Etiology. The Bible, its God and His holy Cath
0lic,Lutheran and Reformed "servants"; their kind
ergarte.ns, parochial schools, hC3.d8Il]i6S,'COllEg€S,8&:I1liI1
aries, universities; their thousands of Pu]JerS, editors,
authors and commercial swindlers who help churches
and their religious paranoia along.‘ Irrational laws ofpious lawyers permitting religious lunatics to marry,
breed -lambs’ and raise mutton for our lonls of -fren
_ zied financiering’. European monarchism; its Cross.
Pathology. Muttonheads have small, smooth,soft,
infantile brains, altogether, with hard little lumps in
u
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_..
7i
spots and streaks along the fissures oi Rolandopi Sylvius, and at the base. Their sulci are shallow, the gy‘'
THE anal: coo.\
ri few and the cortex thin, containing millions of .pale,
mushy, undeveloped braimcells.,
.. . 1,
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72
Symploms. Religious paranoiacs are,like quadrnped sheep,very'fond of bell-music. Ding dong; ding
d-o-n-g!!!—is to them the sweetest. of sounds on earth, coming, as it
does, from phallic steeples full of
pulpit bell-wether is again readyto talk like a god or play heaven
. ' ‘ ~ ly bridegroom towards his flock.
( Rev. Sam hrrot ) So pell-mell out they come powd
in their Sunday best for another
dose of man-made "God's Word" and ineffable bride
groom, even to "eat his body and drink his blood "intruth and fact—from bread,“.ine,an old story-book ors phallic cross in the hand of Mr. Sam Parrot,B.D.,a "faithful servant" of Lord Humbug. To perceivesuch things means insane illusions; to imagine themas realities above a bad joke, insane hallucinations; tobelieve firmly in them is an insane delusion; arguingfor them means much logical incoherence; and payingfor or promoting them, that means lack of judgement,of testamentary capacity, the need of a guardian or ofa strait-jacket. Ecclesiastical sheep too look only, be
~fore they leap, at their noble-grand, dearest darlingold bell-wether. Where he nibbles, they do. If he is
thirsty, tired, afraid, amorous, or what not, they are.
Wherever he jumps, they jump. Over imaginary fen
ces or real ones; into anybody’s garden to nibble, rattle over, tramp down vegetables above Meir pious ov
idian comprehension, afraid only of true watch-dogs.
ding-dong emotions, because thei
a
\./
\»,’
\.=
=/*
\_.s
.q
r-"
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. 73
Religious paranoiacs at large may also be diagnosticated from sane bipeds by their inflated I-better-themyou airs and by their contempt for truth, freedom and
justice, since all their meanness was blotted out ever
lastingly by a personified -Why!/z" some zgoo years a
go over in southwestern Asia! "
_.
Prognosis. "After confirmation. very few Christians can be led astray by ungodly reason", chuckle
confidently the jolly Jesuit mthem.— ".
Trealmenl. Clearly,kindly,earnestly, persistentlyeducate, educate, educatel Dissect the Bible, disrobethe clergy. By Painesn logic, Ibsenic irony, Lincoln-.
'
istic humor, Voltairean satire, or Ingersollic common
sense and convincing eloquence,— as much as possib
le. By plenty of premises and scant conclusion-drawn
ing, since everybody, even religious paranoiacs, willsomehow do this themselves anyway.— Slim premisesand ready-made,clumsy conclusions from bossy guardians have emptied pews or halls and wrecked news
papers or other tedious rontinists often. Strict scien~
tific induction and deduction is, to be sure, the treat
ment against the somewhat sane delusions of average
ignorance. But religious paranoia is s. different problem. And, as a matter of historical fact, more mental
strabismns has been improved or cured by laughingthan by learning, by masters of satire than by mast
ers of science. Like poisons, however, such hot-stuffhad better be administered by physicians only.
—ooo-—
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74
CHAPTER XXV
Moncyaa nla
S)-'n0n.ym:. Geldirre; folio argenteuse; pengevan.vid; furor pecunise; pébelsalighed; mania du Midas;
Manhattan frenzy; the American spirit. .
De_fin-ition. A predominating passion for property,preferably for money,characterzed by extreme logical and moral incoherence, by wild illuaions,fantastiohallucinations and ridiculous delusions in fully sixtymillion American skulls regarding"the almighty dol.lar" in love or hate,peace or war, life or death. Theircoins bear piously stamped on them this pathoguomonio legend: "In God We Trust". .
Etiology. Predispoaing causes: low,vulgar ment
al and moral patrimony; dire poverty in the youthfulyears of life when appetites are lusty,judgements rudimentary, shop-windows glimpses of heaven. Excit-.ing causes of American moneymania are:
, .Pennies,nickals,dimes,quarters,halfs,dollars,twos,fives,tens,twenties,fiftiea,hundreds,thousand- or million-dollar bills. Also, sweet bolivi:nos,crowne,drach
mas,florins,francs,gourdes,liras,nmhbubs,marks,milrein, pesetas, pesos, piasters, pounds, rupees,sols,yensand. little Oslo 6rea. Moneymanie is, finally, generat
ed,developed,kept alive and ageing increasingly by a
mob of frenzied bankers, stock gamblers, newspapers,
congressmemsenatora, judges and other tools of Mam
._
...
.__
7'.
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75
mon always for sale when they get their price,just as
the loveliness of single or double daughters of Fashion and sisters of Venus Catholics.
Pallwlogy. 1,000,000,000 undeveloped brain cellsand about zoo, ooo, ooo of them overdeveloped muchthe same as in hogs, wolves or sharks.
Symploms. Moneymaniacs think,talk,sing,dreamabout nothing but—$$$$$$. As Dr.Dickens graphically dcscribes it in "Martin Chuzzlewit": _
"To tell the truth,it was tedious. All their conversation can be summed up in the one word— Dollars.What dullness each contributed to the bubbling potof conversation helped always to stir the mush thickor thin with dollars. Men were measured,enterprises
weighed only as to dollars. Life itself was auctionedoff, estimated,put up,knocked down, for dollars. Themost respectable thing, next to possession of dollars,
Was any crazy way to acquire them. The more of suchworthless ballast as honor and honesty are thrown ov
erboar_d,the more space for dollars below. Make oom
merce a huge lie, a gigantic steal; the nation's flag a
tattered rag; profane all its stars ;cut out every stripeon it like those from the sleeve of a degraded soldier,-410 anything for dollars". And millions do it too.
Prognosis. The fate of Babylon, Athens,imperialRome; that of "noble"French moneymaniacs, shouldoriental retribution arrive before Socialistic priciplesand economic justice have triumphed. Under similarconditions like causes must give like results.
Trealmnzl. Popular initiative, referendum, recall
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76
of alderman or mayors,juTlges or prosiclents,preachers 4'
or journalistic bleachers, for moneymaniacal inc0rnp- ,,
etence and plutocrutic moral insanity. Monistic edu
cation of Young America in common schools and inhigher ones, excluding the Wall-Street Bible. Alter-
x
ative treatment by rebaptislm, salvee or "conservativee'urgery"on~and in all big corporation heads, such as
that of Sir John d'Asto1-von Rothschild-Morganheimer, by a New-England artist, appended: '~~
~ A Corporation Big-Head!
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77.
Q} I ¢ ;. "'(51'3'APTER.X~XVI_.
Ccphakzdclna“
"
Synonyms.- Pneumocephalus; storhovej bighaad;kurhiskopf; swellhead; hauteur dn fou;. stuckupitiveness; .delusions of. grandeur. .
, ~._ 1
Dqfinz'!ion.. Cephaloedema is s very com'mou,p0pIllar and grotesque pan-American psychosis that maysuddenly atta.ck,breek out royally and make monkeysof any_body,— man, woman or chilcl,— from bootblacks,
shop-ladies and prizeiighters down to dog-fanciers,stock-gamblers, Jesuit~’.’nieces" and congressional affinities in Washington city. The alienation is either
acute,subucute or chronic; gets gradunlly worse east
waids and westwards from the Bu(l_L8XldB of NorthDukot& to its culmination B.bI-ou.£l. in St. Petersburg,Constantinople and Rome, but characterized this lite-,
tle globe of theirs around by asylable incoherencehil--‘lusious, hallucinstions, delusions,o1'thodox prevsrica; .
tions, peculations,nnd .often by hoiX1iCidnl tendencies.Conservstiveeuphemists pretend.it is merely a folly.But cephulo..dame is more: a reslfoliz or_insanity.,th‘e
very worst one in all .human history. . . ..
...
Etiology. Inflated estimates of ons's own praecet
eris importsnce .among x,8o0,000,000 of other .similar
mammals is always s result of colossél ignorance. Ofself,and of its general surroundings,past and present,
Physically, chemically, an.ato:_nically,. physiologically,
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78
pathologically, psychologically, sociologically and zo
ologically. Also of our stupendous environment, thisentire earth being in the universe less than a grain ofsand on America or a fly-speck on Europe. Megabmanis or swellheed is a cosmopolitan lunacy, generated abroad for centuries by drones, apes, gauds, gods,
gold, luxuries; books, "a little learning" and much ignorance as to "Man's Place in Nature" (because Hebebbles in so many idiotic tonguesl), and it is generated yet~ by exactly the same maniogenetic causes inboth Americas. Bostonians live nearer to PlymouthRocl: than do New-Yorkers: that's why "money don’!
stink in Boston"! In New York City nearly all male" swellheads, more especially those cutting grand com
mercial capers around Trinity Church and lording itover servants around Central Park, are e-itller intel
lectual slry-scrapers or moral Brooklyn-Bridges. Anylandlord below Harlem feels fully up with the Flatiron; any landlady, above Cleopatra's Needle. Perhapsno less than 3,000,000 Gothamites look with polite
»
pityorcontempt down upon smaller cities further to'the west, just as Philadelphia for the same good res. 'son pokes fun at Baltimore, this at Washingtomall ofthem at .'.-Sheceygo",. she at our Minnesota ?"l-wins"'and we at Duluth and Fargo, which in turn seem to
respect us quite a bit more than their neighbors stillfurther west in Devil-s Lake, Jamestown, Bismarckand Mandan in.North Dakota. Mainly bucks, squawsand cow-boys have some respect for those rich cattle
pastures and coal-fields,until up westwards it begins
/'\—
"'\‘
-\_,
._;_
.-\.
,
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79
to ,risez past Mila=Oity.towsrda The .Crazy;Mountains;a~spur.0! The Rockies; through Helena;.;Britta',,~A.na.
condm and Spokane up tr.).Jl‘ucoma;: Seattle“-Portland;San Francisco,.Loa. Angelou .an¢ swell .Pssadens;."th_a
paradilenf milliousires'd,idnyvn.onitha:l’.acific slope.
Theiew' westanisbigheeds.are _srnallen.le_ss swollen or
tenderstlianlths Tmany sore ones dowi:'.east;;&lsc>,mora_
rational; generous; social and: tolerant tdwaxda
istiq free tho ugh tjhan, theirghsnghty -,pi-ototypea alongthe: Atlan l.ie.borde'r-.:, ]:-or,~the .grandeur; -of.Natu1:'e.;d0
not. develop conceit -mi dm.sky;scrapers;sub;wa)islan4l
gre_afl_ bridges.of. cpmmerceét Still,"...somef‘ew=westeEn-i
ers, too, carryl l11I1lB"ll'fl.lr:h6B(h}_Wl'.llCh strive .ver=g"lmtd
to..imitate cephaloedemiacs ¢a:£¢o.;€‘.l!z¢‘:a;e-;—just»ss":im4
bi tious. .Willmzirites icopy" -Minneapolitan:i,~;wea Chips;->
go =or St.- Louis; their ;vertebrates those.ob Waking:ton, Philadelphia, Boston and Greater Na-av:York.,1 andmost New-England) Lillipntersl the Brobdingnngizmsof London,Berlin or Psris,,and even the unspeulmbla
megalomaniacs of St;j[-‘Hetershiirg andlR0me;us.what?As ideals! Eastern models to patternatterl Cephalc:-"
dema is thusa ge0g_raphl68l affection of many,:Amer
ican brains, a,pérpetual.western east-wozship‘. :=r:_¥;
=:.5.. PaIIwlog.y.i Undeveloped brain spots; plebeinnlon
primitive psychoplasngp too:mnny. e_xcentric ':' wheels’?
for Ballé running.-of AmericaniBig;Business on_ para
noisc.=’prin¢:,iples' much longer» Such swellheads didrun .down~to ruin the older civilizations ofaBabylon,Athens,Rome~,.and poor Europe.¢.No,w 1h8y_W0llld_._l'0g
peat their ~lunacies over here,stiUg l'B&Ifl1iiugf:'_fi"Apr'i-I.
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86
no-u:~1e d¢71ig¢l.’:iIBuf'?théir. sick.bniins- 51"!. at dmwiing.
aristocratip Leonel usibnsin. democ..ratio £America,wharo
paranoiaéa will.soou= :ba,1.elegated eddy £5 thus re'a~r.»'1
s.~Z_J“S.ym;bto1uS. 1Stigmata~deggnémtidnie;¢iziz:fl"l =1»,3
121) ¢Anato'in§c'al,and paithologicaly shah ha:~*i»fllI.'-.{
-__: puny,-,pi\la.,_thin., nervous.little>b0dy»witb1spi(¥-'er arms anghwalkiug-stink thighs aud,legs.':Head us-4
ually.childish»; with hats f:om- 6% to 6,Z§;=tha brightleat .perpoudicula_r, money-.paws" xarely! exceeding? 7 )6.llHighly dévarloped. nose; a.nd:ea1-a",chisled, _-chin,feature's
hgn-d,li_pa l0e1'ing,an» impudent;stan~:~ the typicallund
urisLocratic]cn'e:. iuxana of.greedy lpataaitemz Myopia6: hypezmehmpia,~1istigmatism-or.strabismus. Teeth
. bad1y.set;:gi1del.L‘goz,xe',u:'fals0._ .Breixth1 short, strdng
o2...per_fumed: sweetly; :Tciz'1-gug¢“; zxnateadyyboivels torp
id",~.bl_oo('1'-E: drrentd sluggishmnd impoverishéd by 11126.-'.
liliwinzitecftoxiki impurities;.:. Tha:u'nsp0uku.ble thingsmp.y___.be:ipf:intile1, asininegcapridiau, oi"deiunct..Y 3.:=-.:1
1.1:}..2).S..tigxnaia opule'ntia,ez~...':' :0 ::L.:¢=F ,..;--I,'..:.=~(i -.~:
"€;.... Swell costumes, tall bx: expémuive hats, grandtau~
tomo_bilea= and} _.ma.nsion_s,, fawning footm en, ..hutlers‘,_
chamber-maids, family. physici1_m,. legal..u4lvisez, spiréitual ditto, and other "se1'.vants'.!;o1"- 'Mylord=and My-3'
Iadyfixxcluding .tl_1e,\vell;dre§a'ed chauffeur. and made
moisalle’s»n'1ost1ahyliuh littlallup-do'g,;_=i_.;_,: z_ ':/.".':_.I::1_
~.~:1 Criminal-.stigmatu.,—.-“such aawbribing osvbny-s .
ingipépivspalygm and.lluw-makers, financing the; notbr;
ioug "-.Men‘-and~-Religion-Poorward Movement- '; .gag-'
gingand.exgxaaeulating American Literature, and'eu-
phqmely lqb_eling,such: outrages .’ ’deoency.Z’, or=smpe.g
»
_.*\
/A
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Iior~"American horse-sense",'— these are all reliablediagnostic symptoms of ounmostklinflated Americanmonomania todaylf
1 xii". .''4 .1 .l iaiiev¢
Prognosis. Bighagfji: ,iiikzisxt;either come ofl their
perch, get out from under, crawl back to church, orgD'<tG~_,thl1!1d&bo_z:~Cx1, 53 seiif mom sv.,'...vi Jarirfl 5'»?
1:15 T_raatw:mt..Essentisflyuthesammsezthctgsqheppiély.giiien;tasev§era>li.i departefmgndflws lryellltliihingtonand 'Iiinc'oln,.»if2neoessary.nThat Zia} milder .zn_ethodq
.
such; as- reasoziqballots-ydemcscphic:initifl-1~i!e¢%refQ!+endum; recall;iand,.o'ther~ messurea jprpve.~_in,
Bffi.0lBIIt\*l':O. give.to a1l. ;anee »Americans._"e¥en: Q0:wow,
let mentally and morally insane; Swellheédef its Hand :
en with_ sound: brains;.not ‘merely; political; and .8_uper§
stitious; libcrtiesfbuti complate; economic and; physio, .
logical lj ustice-..:'=’free<im,;equs1ity,»fraterriity»%=.; WhyQ
_QAO<
ruin fair America~als..Q?;..Is ;.that¢pstriotism ?- .5;}; §"}~ _
;i; Neyerl: Pride; goethnbciere '.a_;v£&1_1.}.&nd. the ,fal1f.°f
our proudest11;iarz1n,oiacs.sis?-:-E-r-i::azi'. :=>.=: =~1
, . .'‘. . _ \ _ . . . ¢ 3 '. 5" . ._. , .l- " . " . ._ _. -a , 4,7 ) _ ,, ,~_' .. Cf _ -. . p~Jl,. -.; :.,'..‘~'.‘.! ‘1' :..:.J: ’ ":2. Ll)-. . 7"''.;v.'.. -:~;.-"1u‘a ,‘:_ .~
."j_.»r_,. ..,‘ "Q ..9‘;)‘~(- fix. .._..._"..:vY_. .'‘".»'‘' . ."?. -. ....1»f= “L4, ..Ll.-L '» 5 - 1 - . . ‘
. { -p __ , . .(.
., . . _ _ "I'.a.
J “L. 4'§.“.. "-.'_" 1,"; :)_ .llu."J-~€ Ii?-.'1~ .f"‘_'¥1: ,.'..:::.-£1-.5 '7,-
‘ , .r'2, .’, :'. ._ ‘,
_
J- ){.‘ _ ,_ r_ é", ¢ _'.l_.,.l.~ 1. 1...-. ol. :\.'1[ IH-.I".
.:..;..,,.r5.&:. :u_‘jD.,.1 '.(j.3!
1 2 ." ":1" .' " .
51$! S.) - 7!“ ldii" 14- '_!'...’?.I ' /Qz ."' -. '.1'? 'I":£§ .'9..J
' ,7.~. 3. 1?... 3' 5 v."Z.‘ R ‘~ .'"5: . :“-.'.1- ~'~.£:-: ."' :. '3 ~-..
. .." r ‘_. . 0§ ¢ §
( I .' .' .' - . .' ".. '. . '5 .. . ~ 3. . .fz. . - .d.slo..
I
a v ‘i Z . g’ ’ ' '7 O "~‘‘ Q
~.Wx v I.'...".' :!." .. » 1 ~ Y - . .':0°l{t$19‘5 T31 ’ - A
fr ..‘,, ‘._, .I ,9 ' _»~:"p §; -$ - ‘ "-Q.I 0, " J ' Q I ¢ .:§ L,' .' :aaQ _ ‘- {J.‘ J d. ~‘aa N-
.1 5 ' "‘ f E __ l' xi .P j.. . ‘ ., Q .'
J.- : ’
r ' ’:iZ, ' .1¢ .5- 0.5"" '3 ..Iz:.:.7"_, '1 .1? .1:'1;
l. ‘ . . . t . ~ ;
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33
.9
_
*':if-::'£~.~.2 flu .W5 .»w=_i'.f —,"-_~..+>.;:9a-s~a':ca' rm.:€':au:!.“ 12.it
»...:-_iu¢.,.fivficim.r_a :_.~=2~:f.we..::‘z‘:z
. ..I.:.b0I nxilazflozicill
..i-30;:ii=_J 9:120.2 isdiisfiailggéfi .w.'\'=~='.w1-2“9-.
1;:-£l-.J!£4'L'1.Q '..vl ..i':.a-J- §';:..:» _-.a:.l=..' Q1011 mo 393 _=i5*.~sq
We must have more than 75,ooo,ooo?o{:su'clviu,a_
fluted =’lollipéppers in.these United-States today‘. For
over ,i'n‘-iEu"r'opo,-‘ so the Due.. do._ l1LBocbofioucauld'
fierted;== ".’P?ide ‘is ‘equal in.allsmeu;:1the only differ»
enée 'is-th'e-~.means end, mannerof.idis'play ing it-v’ ; inns}
u-»lot of.European pnrumoapkcli .ba?ve ==for' years - been
arfiving to.teach.-.us Ibyitlisplayfll-110W‘-'-'Ta¢£ nkzuseaailv
Few Of.then} trj-t0f'ccénceal thei::!,'cra_ck?.’f oi pride ab
all,-. fori they "have labled it=-’self-réspect";’dignity5! .1
-(r5 "’5’P'1*id-e;,.the- first pee: and.prcs'ide'nt:ofiJuIl-,-, mid
fl10"ht'xmblo'".English-:gsniualg De:Foe-. 5*.:1: ‘=7:r: i»i
-Of all the cauees.which "ci)nspire'to"blind 13¢! =-Z.1":
3-lMan’s airing judgemenfland .misguide the mind;
What the weak.head~witlr sl:rOngeat=biaiBvrules,;
Ia pride,the never failing vice of fools-,.—~ sang the
great English ";'35;»z, PdpglM i .
-We don't need any poets!’——.exclaimed cocksure a
very proud Madam Asquith in London.
Lavater wrote: “When pride begins,l0ve ceases.
. . . . . .Ha whose pride oppresses the humble, may be
humbled, but will never be humble’.
Nor ever genius. For Proffwilhelm Ostwuld as
sures us that true genius was ever modest, is always
full of humility, except when compelled to fight for
truth, freedom, justice, and human progress against.
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John P
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Deveney (
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haughty oppressors of humble folks.. No lofty Broad
..way airs from. such. men as Dr. Jacobi or Mr.Thomas.A.Edison;»but-plenty in Congress! Its two sane ex
. captions just now seem to be that plain"Lincoln-Ropublicau Lafollette and our modest Marxian SocialistBerger. But morally unsteady moneymaniscs must,
of course, exhibittheir depravity bravely when playing traitors proud. Although Jeremy Taylor claims:
"All the world, all that we are, all that we have,
our bodies and our souls, our actions and our suffer_ings,our conditions at home,our accidents abroad,our
many sins. and our seldom virtues, are as.so many ar
guments to make our souls dwell law inthe valley of/zumih'lj".— So Congress holds il: nose high! 1
"I do hate a proud man, as I hate the engendering of toads", declared Shakespeare. ,
And so do most people. For megalomania. is yetthe worst alienation at large En earth,and truthfullyhas Archbishop Trench thus characterized it:
. . "The sin of pride is the sin of sins; in which allsubsequent sins are included, as in their germ; theyare but the unfolding of this one".
'
Whether delusions of grandeur be of the basestkind, that produced by money, by swell birth, by noble tailors and niilliners; or, of the somewhat educat
ed academic kinds, is of little consequence. The coreof this paranoia is always essentially the same: unde
veloped cortex brain cells in proud millions by millions incalculable. In proud millionaires, of whom millionaire Joseph Fels, of Baltimore, admits candidly:
Genera
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" »:". "Millionaires are a bad lot. Big land-owners~.are
.azm.er.z or robberr. linking money:.today.is purelyagamble. It don’t require: bruins to be a rich man, or
.to make a .fortune.. Today a.fevi=~can ‘getrich at the
expense of many; Some people have money-makingbrains; others have. another kind of. brainsl The oth
.er kind of brains is the best. :.Money does .not make
happiness; . [detest it, and that is why I am spending
_'1t. People today can't very well be honest";."."
:?. Sadly true. ,Millions ran noLée-sa1':r intellectuallyor morally under Christian. Capitalism, the damndest
.swindlerin human history, although a» fearless Balti-morc»Jew can evidently be. both.» For like breeds.likeand the .aystematized delusions of Catholic.Mammomism must, therefore, breed paranoius galore‘. l "
Of our proudacademicians"and lofty professorsthe distinguished;Pro_f. Hugo Munsterberg,M; l).,Ph.D.,LL.D.,oi Harvard,. recentlyiremurked:.' » i‘
"There seems to l-)6~80lI1::tl'!lDg"W8ul(ih!\tl mollycoddle about our whole academic system. We my be
sure that our socoml—class schoolmnsters will neverbuild up first-class scholarships. In our highest»ins-
_
titutions of learning we find, with a few_notuble ex
ceptions, only second‘-clazss n1.an; One ‘of‘thL~'grentest
of ovils is too nanny professors,.to outdo some neighbor institution, Every oneof ourJAmercinn universi-‘
tics wouldhe nearer the .ideul,,i.fit would ——. kill twothirds of its professors". ~ ~ . ' ' '
=.= .:;And every one of our little~ church shebangs out
this way would be I/-u ide:zl,if they "killed" off //zree
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John P
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Deveney (
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":5
. 85..‘ ‘,5 _. ..§
~
_ . ‘.4 1 3," ,.":~_..': ..T
th1_r§la _qf~th_e1r thlrteonth-clasa_ Je's1_11_t_1c"_A_lmenoopl1o
bi'*1'5*:‘.Y’<??‘f'.hiP$"g. F-ur"i>e¢1i1 .i'<_1é?1.@!-.'.,$ii¢1i"‘¢1B_;Prv'f.. 01¢
i Stub. AL B.., 0'r'Prdf; J_o.s¢ipl_1 Li1"r¢i$diéi6i-§_ A'.M',f1;_i.both descendants ¢£"1my's'j¢11§ a_x_1'g@_>1I:-:1,-,,
._;¢_¢:,. .us.._. ~ l;£;i~..< 1
:;»;i Z.;~.: Allthey.wanl'¢is todd. .
.’.'iz_.i".: :._ucate¢_.wvesternlmaaaea
aizéw toaupporb inllnxuriéaI»=~»..;15 classical . jackasaes-, as
j., chumps feed€ lords in" ,::E1irope,. callingvit. all
.' 31¢. -ChristianeducationflAnd Americans,vwhochase: dollars and love
to be humbugged, amperhapsv— so many of
our educators'hope,~
_ big enough fools for a
_ long time yet to nav.
erldetect the swindle, though finan‘:ing lt all!-—"
" . The classical‘ conceit "takesia back seat for no
body", uot wen for Sir John or thia czar; ' ' - - "
Blood-lust and lecharous lust are not moral insa
nities of pride," but of shame. Yet mariy lunatics feel
quite proud of their depravities, calling the onev "pa
triotism” and the othor "love"! Granted; but of and
for what? Brutality and polygamy; ~Not even reason-‘
ing maniacs can transform beastliness into domestic
or national virtues. 'Lawyers and theological "laloma
aniacs or c'apitalistic graphomaniacs imagine‘ they are
v
,_.
'
Mary’s Jolly Angcl '
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86
the boys, however, to save the world by eupheme syllogistic nonsense! Their delusions are highly expan.
'sive as well as expensive, and highly systematized are
"all their "logical" hallucinations.v
_
'
, ,And yet no more than in swelldressermperhap's.
Peplotaterparanoiacs feel like queensland.kings, too,
.within anew gown or coat below? a grand hat. When
furthermorexeehing with perfumes, glittering withzmetale or stones and speeding their grand auto,--getout of theirway, ye pedestrian lunkheads! If run ov
er, broken .np or flatten ed out permanently, your fam
ily shouldfind some comfort in that you were crippled~or killed by swell people anyway; by tailor-made la- v
dies and gentlemen!_ . , .
Buying and selling has developed much emporiomaniac pride, much chilly smiling, reckless playingwith fire, fire-water and other dangerous compounds.Yet such pathogenesis is gently calle(l"business",itsillusions "proeperity",its hallucinations .“Christianity" and its delusions '_'w8alfih". But commercial en
phemies make Sud psychology, usually the monmani
as or monophobins before alluded to. '.
_ ._ With good reason does Mr. Elbert Hubbard, our
famous East-Aurora philosopher, trace most humantroubles back to some fear as their psychic fountninhead.. He seems, however, inclined to regard lack oicourage or fearful cowardice as fairly compatible withmental and. moral .zani1y,although by alienists classed
as paranoias, truly "a6uli¢" or "moral 2'n:anih'::". Itmay be that Mr.Hubbarrl fears Public Opinion don't
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31
like psychiatric truths, unless/they‘ be complinientaryto that..mod0m. idol,".tl1a Publiu.Miucl; otherwise,..tobut gantly Lint at things, or hep mum ?—.—=This,ptaip
ty journalistic phobia .would._.bcull.right,iLit Jforon--._t
all wrong; the truth, iiit worouot another: yarniilwdcommercial lie. . F;ki11..£aar;plain,nnvaruislud..truth,sothey whisper. it.pianiuixuo, but._. sing out flatteringlies by megaphonerior theirhard-_lmari.ng customers!It mightflhurt :.'m.n'1|u,&.'_.'-_=, .you,know,,to_t.cll Joojnuclltruth.and tbarebyvpmctice too much ireedoml ~As ifmankind could ever‘ get too m\_1ch_eulightonmantl
Bcyond cavil is» it true that all {earn an depressing heart-poisons and head-poi80Di.". A180 tr.ue,_.that
oowanlice is a mental or moral sicknesmuaually both.For.a cowardly will is generally davalopodby ,m0_no+
phobiac illusions, hallucinations anll:,"l0gical'_7,clalu..aiona. It is.. present in bucheloraairaid o
f_ woman; inalcoholic bums, who dasira to ruin themnelvea; in oi.
. nophobe probibs, who would tie down freomlom to save
a few Suicldul nuisances; in rich, pious or "noble" al
eutheriophobes, who fear. freedom for all butjthe upper Cln8SIll;" in anti-American fellow-citizpns, afraidof spiritual contamination through our EugliBh.lan
guagmand literature; in cowardly curs and’? shaeff’,afraid of stuck-up airs; in over-ambitious mortals a
fraid of death, since.theydo :0" wish new: to die; intcrtaroyhobes, worrying horribly over an imaginary!a metaphoric, hallucinatory hell; and last, but not at
all laast, in millionsvof lopsided onbophobiacs, afraidof Trulb, of mankind's only raloafion. That every 0110
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John P
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Deveney (
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8-.3
of these-fears are not..levelheadedf but .unhealtliy'é.nd, .
consequently, not; sane-but finsane, will no doubt be
conceded by our good-Pkilisfixa philosopher also, iodpecially aslregarclelthelast-one,1eaz: of tmtb...For 3:
.-_>a":n!!Therb needsino other charzmnor conjnrsr; v £14
, 1.2- l.To raise infernal‘ spirits 'up,:but fen, r.v~..>.~v:=->
311$“. That make» men pull "theirahoma imlika a I.Bail;
111-~That’s both: a.prisonerto itself 8-I)(lfj8-l.l,Ji 1? c.-:".
£5?.DrsLwe more fantastic» shapes than in the grsinai"H 150i knotted wood in some men?s ,_crazylbrains,....z:
::W.hen-sll;the>cocl1s~they eee,"and bnlle, ;u»n.i..>n._¢
.u.»1Are onlyon the inside.oi their sknlla-.'.,,'#~3¥.
wwmue poetic satirist;Wan.A..Butle!.1=;._"'=M:2 -=l=:=
And;1‘1{rs.¢Jameson:.:’/Inlmorale, what begins inl
feel- usuallyends in wickedness; in religion; whethe
gine in.feer""usually ends ihiffllifiticifllll..l Fear, /eitheras aprinciple,orvas=avrnotive; is the beginning of. allev/il~“».
"_ "
_" i
-“ Y r‘. Shnkeepeerefl.-Fear makes- devils- of cherubiiusf ’=
-1'1" And Mrs. Sigour-nay: "“Fear~is.theiwhite-lippedsire of subterfugu=and'treachery".. Ew: . .'.;_»:>=. .-.
.'_'~.-.‘ Lying.andtreachery are indeed symptomatic ofmoral insanity, coupled with subuormal ini.»clligeI1c€.,'
since th.is seeks to obtain lby fra\1(l= what it is unable
to earn honestly by merit. :And there is nothing thisomnipresent kind of tne:-=cheroue~lunatice fear, hate,
plot ever.more infzimously .to.‘pervert, invert, thwart,
suppress or annihilate —-— Hm» lru1k.. I ; . ~ ..
1 On the other hand,truth and itsinalienable con
comitaute,.‘euoh as courage, houestyyjustioe, freedom,
:-@.".:.~,!: ;.a.." 1..." T...v.,. .=...': 1' "Ll _=,=. .-.:...=
_=
____
,_._
,~__
_'...
...
.'
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John P
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Deveney (
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39
equality amt.trateznit)%,4Wi1i.Ja.yet,and.i,will.glwayabepromoted by. the mentally and.rnorally;mo0t_5sazu...hnman beings. For? eayu;Chanoer;~..i:4;;-;u£1is.: pooinuiil
:., .i::;~-Tnuth;is thmhigheit thing that mayirkepol’. - ,
3.1 .4.And;Jean.. Jaquaa Rousseau flflenbmlcuhatnct .
truth i.n.~tha..mout in-eciouaoi all hlenaingeprithpubit;man;i&~blind;iit..in..the eye ofi.reuon’§:.» ,u:.s baa ac:
Q And» Silvio .Pellico1:’fO£ all the dutieu tholowre oitruth with: faiths and. constancy .in. it ranks fint'§,. =.1, 1
l ; 7 _.And uhnmion: L'Zllrutlu=ifl .viQl&ted.by ifhl-lCll.80(1,'
and it may be equa1ly.outrag'acl_by._aileuce£!.-.5 :11“
1 .~.x' And.Augustine:;.“He.-.who conceal»! I.lIl.iQi\)1'1-11»!)-til
ifli eqiwllyi gufltr wiflrflw pwwse-wl 05- we i1=i\m'<m~
falsohood-.-:i( n-8»(l0 our tncituru..priests and prc:a)..=-
1- Einully; Nicolas :Boilea,u:_ “Nothing is beautiful
,but.,t1-uth, and trutln.alone ia.,Io_vely~.i‘i._ . .-. =.;-. :'z::.~~..
...._'.—- A“ steadfast-, 'predomin'ating~aff¢ih'o:¢:/or. lnalhja .
all kinds of shifting wenther is, therefore, the maincriterion of. mental and=morixl;sani§y,laa.&deiiqi0ncyor ahsenso»ofsuch devotion .to truth l$& t6llal)l8 indicutioniolmentul depravity with moralinsanigv. :=:
Have ‘we; thus, any sane microcosms in thelllniated States? In spite of Boileuu, Montesquieu,Dr.Haslam and Chrisiiun Capitalism.-— we mus! have. Forsome Americuns, loo, do love truth above dollars. Suchas perhaps moat Trul/I-Szzker readers and all honest
doctors of medicine, all genuine acientists,some pro
fessors,besideB a handful of heroic writers and printers. Many brave socialists are also very devoted wor
shipers of truth in the shape of economic justice for
Genera
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Deveney (
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9°
evaryhody.l1‘hby as-0, tharefore,on the sano side too,
excepting, of oouna, those who.yet cherish Christianillusion, hallucinations or delusionm 1 =" !:-.~: .;.._.
Foaxlia.='1holl"', truth is .'v'hanum":to . all healthyhuman,mindn.~ To dinpol tho gloom oi the. former bytho light_of'tho.~latta:.is tho. goal 0! utilitarian aciana
cos and arts~, of monistio philosophy and nocialistéo
domocracy.-=Truth in our only reliable guide, tho one
almighty redeem". For truth means science, all the
natural l¢i6,BCOi,"l1.'t(l these wean true ‘progression to
wards social ltluity_and happinean .;..1 _. =, z .::»: 'Smo.peoplo.raxoly bet. .But on one thing they
ennpifithayqcara, alwayahet safely," uamaly; that tho
aanastj-paopla are those "perfi: ,cly crazy after trut "r»:-'II,_"'1‘.ruth",,_-cried Carlyle, "though. the heavens do
cmlh ma for following her; no. falsehood, although a
whole celestial Labhex-land. were the pzica of. tha apo
Staoy'_’!; ": " . ~ , ~.1
._ .= '"Thus worshipn all Sanity all Truth forever.In a forthcoming sequel to~ this brochure I hope
to discuss further the other sido of this subject under
the titlo of ~—- Uupopular.Amen'can'S¢nifi:r..-on . ....._ _. :': . . . .=::...:;.-
J
Genera
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or
John P
atr
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Deveney (
Univ
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on 2
01
5-0
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7 1
4:2
8 G
MT /
htt
p:/
/hdl.handle
.net/
20
27
/um
n.3
19
51
00
20
00
85
38
Public
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ain
, G
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