Part 2: Reconciliation Man-ward: Horizontal

• Mike Petrak from Brunswick Hills, Ohio• https://goo.gl/FoQJY8 mikepetrak@yahoo.com

• Interactive: ask questions, read verses, & make comments

• This AM: God-ward Reconciliation – Vertical

• This PM: Man-ward Reconciliation – Horizontal• Conflict

• Bad vs. Good Communication & societal trends

• Practical Conflict Resolution Process

Conflict

• Normal responses: Fight or flight, aggression or avoidance; attacking or escaping – neither of these strategies provides an effective long-term technique for managing conflict.

• Most of us don’t like to deal with conflict—it can be messy.

• David and the Dangers of Conflict Avoidance• King David provides a negative example for us in the way he mismanaged his conflict

with his son Absalom (2 Samuel 14:1-15:37).• David’s conflict avoidance strategy not only failed to work but eventually caused the

conflict to escalate. Had he dealt promptly with the issues surrounding Amnon and Absalom, Amnon’s murder and Absalom’s conspiracy might have been averted.

• A conflict avoided is often a conflict postponed, and therefore a conflict that ultimately becomes worse. Particularly a male tendendcy.

Conflict Resolution• Christ’s practical & radical example and teachings on forgiveness & reconciliation.

• Reconcile as soon as possible. See it of utmost importance.

• Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brotherhath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

• “Be ye angry, and sin not [in your anger do not sin]: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place [a foothold] to the devil” - Ephesians 4:25-27

• Matthew 18:15-17 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16 But if he will nothear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.• We know this, but do we believe it? Do we practice it? Or ignore it, step 0/1 -> 3

• Each Christian party takes the initiative in man-ward reconciliation. If any relationship has cooled off, it’s always your move. Doesn’t matter who “started it”.

• Goal: Just setting the record straight isn’t the goal. God’s goal is reconciliation: relationship fully restored, unity, peace.

Conflict Resolution

• Rushing Reconciliation is Rarely Rewarding

• When people go through the reconciliation process right, the relationship has the potential to be even stronger than it was before. Conversely, when the reconciliation process is circumvented by well-meaning but “patch-it-up-quick” folks, the hurt party can become resentful over time, and the relationship isn’t healed; it’s more deeply damaged.

Conflict Resolution & Forgiveness

• Is forgiveness and reconciliation the same thing?

• No, but forgiveness is at the core of reconciliation and ideally leads to reconciliation.

• What does forgiveness mean?• You will not always “feel” it; it’s a decision / choice to release the other person from

judgment /punishment / debt. Spiritual act.• When You Offer Forgiveness Don’t Bring It Up Again In The Future• "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me,

and I forgive him? till seven times? 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." Matthew 18:21-22

• At the heart of being a Christian. Identity / DNA• Ask for it as often as needed, forgive others• Frees the forgiver

Conflict Resolution & Forgiveness

• "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32.

• God is not asking us to do anything that he has not already done.

• Conflict is an opportunity! It produces energy that can be channeled in positive directions.• Like, improving communication

Conflict & Poor Communication –Societal Trends• Naturally people are: slow to listen and understand, quick to speak, judge, and get

angry; interrupt, speak before they think, lies, truth without love or love without truth, poor timing, poor medium, gossip, quarrelling / argumentative, blaming, attacking back, prideful

• Communication in a Digital World: Pros & Cons• Text, Chat, Social Media (Facebook, Twitter, etc.)• Instant speed, to many people,

varying loss of tone / context / ability to respond, misinterpretations• Anger spreading; Sowing discord across the world

• Radical measures – get off social media or take conversationsoff-line to in-person / phone.

• Impersonal communication rarely leads to personal reconciliation• Person to person: usually best

if possible for important topics, correction, reconciliation

Conflict Resolution: Good Communication

• Effectively convey information• Be A Willing, Careful Listener: “…let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak,

slow to wrath:" James 1:19

• Don’t Interrupt the Speaker - Hear Them Out: "He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him." Proverbs 18:13

• Think Before You Speak: "The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things." Proverbs 15:28

• Don’t Get Angry Or Respond In Anger; Keep Cool & Be Gentle• "He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth

folly." Proverbs 14:29• "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." Proverbs 15:1

• When Verbally Attacked, Criticized or Blamed, Don’t Respond in the Same Manner: "Recompense to no man evil for evil." Romans 12:17

Conflict Resolution: Good Communication

• Timing Is Important• “a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;” Ecclesiastes 3:7• “a word spoken in due season, how good is it!” Proverbs 15:23

• How You Say Something Is Just As Important As What You Say: • "Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye

ought to answer every man." Colossians 4:6• Speak The Truth In Love: Ephesians 4:15

• Don’t Quarrel or Nag

• In Love Make Allowances For Differences of Opinion• "With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in

love;" Ephesians 4:2

Conflict Resolution: Good Communication

• When You’re Wrong, Admit It & Ask Forgiveness – Don’t Shift the Blame• "Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not

eat? 12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. 13 And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat." Genesis 3:11-13

Conflict Resolution Process from the book The Peacemaker, Ken Sande

• Part 1 – Glorify God: How can I please and honor God in this situation?• Conflict Provides Opportunities• Live at Peace• Trust in the Lord and Do Good

• Part 2 – Get the Log out of your eye• Is this really worthy fighting over?• Conflict starts in the heart• Confession brings freedom

• Part 3 – Gently Restore• Just between the two of you• Speak the truth in love• Take one or two others along

• Part 4 – Go and Be Reconciled• Forgive as God Forgave you• Look also to the interests of others• Overcome evil with Good: pressing on with deliberate love

Conflict Resolution Process

• Go Higher: Bringing God into your situation: the Bible, Prayer

• The Hope of the Gospel: Life-changing power that can heal your relationships

• Gently Engage: Helping others own their part of a conflict. Can we talk? Confronting without offending

• Remember that there is always another side

• Seldom does just one party bear all the blame. Almost always reconciliation involves both repenting and forgiving—both admitting your own wrong and pointing out the other’s wrong.

Conflict Resolution Process• Get real: Understand and own up to your own role in the conflict - how you have hurt

the other person

• Remember & examine your own sinfulness. Root of most conflicts is prideand its twin selfish motives.

• "And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight" Luke 15:21. Father’s heart was to reconcile with prodigal son and the older self-righteous son.

• Joseph & brothers: Gen. 37, 39-42. The brothers started to realize their sin.• Identify & address root problems: Control, revenge, vengeance: give up your “rights”

• Listen carefully: Make sure your body language conveys that you are open to the other's perspective.

• Repeat back what you believe you’ve heard: "I heard you say that you feel expectations from me; is that correct?” “How have I hurt you?”

• Articulate your hurt to them (Mt. 18)

Conflict Resolution Process• Clearly define the problem and stick to the issue during the discussion. Conflict

deteriorates when the issue that started the conflict gets lost in angry words, past issues, or hurts get tossed into the mix.

• Plan a time for the discussion when you are both rested and likely to respond in love to the other person's concerns. When you are tired, stressed, and distracted with other responsibilities, things rarely will go well.

• Affirm the Relationship first: "Our relationship is important to me. But when you don't return my calls, I feel rejected and unimportant." Avoid blaming…"You make me feel…" Instead, say, "When you do 'A', I feel 'B'.• Wonderful story in Philemon: Slave – Onesimus. Paul appeals to his relationships with both.

• The relationship is more important than the issue.

• Get Together: Give forgiveness and calmly arrive at a reasonable solution• Remember the relationship is more important than the issue. Consider Philippians 2:4-5: "Each

of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”

Conflict Resolution Process: Caveats

• The other person won’t always respond to attempts at reconciliation

• Non-Christians may not feel the same responsibility to live in reconciled relationships. In general, you will find that non-Christians will not feel compelled to respond with forgiveness and repentance.

• There may be situations where you cannot make peace, but don’t let that stop you from trying.

• Professional mediation and counseling may be needed for couples, churches, etc. Don’t be afraid to seek help from a trusted minister or even a professional counselor who is trained in mediation.

Questions / Comments?

• Thank you!

Resources

• Books:• “The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict", Ken Sande• “Resolving Everyday Conflict”, Ken Sande & Kevin Johnson• “Communication and Conflict Resolution: A Biblical Perspective”, Stuart Scott• “Momentum: Pursuing God’s Blessings Through the Beatitudes”, Colin S. Smith

• Websites:• http://www.accounseling.org/uploaded/Marriage_and_Family/Conflict_Resolution_Skills_in_Marriage.pdf• http://www.accounseling.org/uploaded/Relationships/Forgiveness-

_What_it_is,_What_it_Isn't,_How_to_Do_It.pdf• https://bible.org/seriespage/5-knowing-message-reconciliation-colossians-120-23• https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-17-reconciled-relationships-ephesians-214-18• http://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionaries/bakers-evangelical-dictionary/reconciliation.html• http://www.lifeway.com/Article/sermon-steps-to-reconciliation-jacob-esau-genesis-33• http://www.thrivingpastor.com/serving-each-other-through-forgiveness-and-reconciliation/index.html• http://unlockingthebible.org/2017/04/eight-ways-pursue-reconciliation/• http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/relationship-challenges/conflict-resolution/a-biblical-guide-to-

resolving-conflict• https://www.pastorresources.com/peacemaking-101-biblical-conflict-resolution/• https://bible.org/seriespage/19-conflict-management