parents forever notes pages.ppt - north dakota state ... filewelcome/introduction of facilitators...

Welcome/Introduction of Facilitators(Have a child’s chair sitting in the front of the room in a prominent spot.)Tonight we will focus on the most important people in your lives…your children. We have a child’s chair in the front of the room to remind us of who we are concentrating on in this segment. Although this is a small chair, we will be talking about effects of divorce/separation/and paternity issues have on children of all ages.

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SPEAKER #1: Quickly review ground rules.

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Have participants fill out the handout “What are your expectations for the Parents Forever class?

Have them hand in the sheets at break.

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Layers of Divorce:

COLLABORATIVE TEAM:COLLABORATIVE TEAM: Legal System - Attorneys, mediators, Judges, court systems, legal assistance

Human Service System – Child support, medical insurance, food stamps, housing assistanceMental Health System – Support groups, safety planning, family therapist, MPLN, Prairie

Education System – School counselors, community education, ECFE in MN, collegeFaith System – Support Network (pastors), beliefs, inner strengths, core values

Friendship System - Friends, neighbors, PTA parents, community helpers

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Family System - Parents, children, grandparents, uncles (however you define family)http://www.extension.umn.edu/parentsforever/unit2/unit2-3d.asp

To get an idea of how old your children are, please raise your hand if you have a baby (birth to 18mo.)...a toddler…preschooler…early elementary school…later elementary school…jr. high/middle school….high school…college-age/in their twenties.

When you think ahead to your children being adults…what do you want them to remember about this time in their lives? (Write “Remember About Now…” on the board. Take several ideas from the group.)

The best situation for children in family transition is when they have two parents who will hold their needs above their own. Adults conflicts/”issues” don’t belong to children and should always be kept separate from them.

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We will cover four main points in the first half of this session:Children need the involvement of both parents in their lives.-This class is based on a value that it is important for children to have both parents in their lives WHEN IT IS SAFE TO DO SO. As discussed last session with the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center, when there is any kind of abuse involved, it is important to seek professional help before concepts of this class can be implemented.

Divorce affects children differently according to their stage of development.-We are going to look at the “ages and stages” of your children and consider that where they are at developmentally can impact how they understand and process this family transition.

During divorce, children experience a series of stages of grief and loss.I h l i i d d h i f l d id d h hi lif i i ff-In the last session we introduced the grief cycle and considered how this life transition affects

you as adults. In this session, we will look at how children experience grief and how you can help them through it in the most positive ways.

To make a difference in the long-term outcomes for children, it helps to develop positive ways of communicating, solving problems and reducing the amount of conflict.-Skills for communicating with your children’s other parent will be explored specificallySkills for communicating with your children s other parent will be explored, specifically using “I” messages for effective communication, rather than using “you” messages.

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Review the background (previous page) and show the video. Explain that children grieve their losses throughout the process of divorce and go on grieving in different ways at different times as they grow. Children grieve differently from adults and there are specific common behaviors to watch for at each stage of a child’s development. Urge parents to look for their child’s current stage of grief as they watch.

Questions for the group:•What is the main message of this segment?•How do children express grief differently from adults?•How can parents determine whether a child’s depression is “normal” or whether the child needs professional help?H t h l th i hild th h th i l f i f?•How can parents help their children through their cycles of grief?

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(page 5 of parent handbook)

Let’s take a look at the Stages of Grief and Loss (overhead)The ribbon represents the “looping” effect of grief – no one experiences it the same, people can “loop back” through to a stage again.Shock and Denial:•“This divorce is not happening” “This is just another fight, they always get back together”•Children need to understand the permanence of the divorce and what the concrete consequences will be.P t h l i f th lit f thi t b h i i h t ill t h th t b th•Parents can help reinforce the reality of this stage by emphasizing what will not change, that both

parents will always love them.Anger:•“This is not fair” “How can they do this to me?” “I’m so embarrassed”•Parents provide patience and understanding while children work through their disappointment and anger.•Determine acceptable and unacceptable ways that anger is allowed to be expressed in your home. How do you express anger? You are the role model for you children.Depression and Detachment:•“My heart feels broken” “I’m very sad” “I don’t want to do the things I used to enjoy anymore”•There is a difference between being SAD and being DEPRESSED. Depression should be treated by a

f i lprofessional.•Children can get stuck here – especially if a parent is. Help them get involved, surround them with positive people.Dialogue and Bargaining:•“I’ll get them back together” “If I’m really good they will stop fighting and fall in love again”•Children may fantasize about the family back together.Children may fantasize about the family back together.•Working through guilt that it may have been their fault and figuring out how to fix it.Acceptance:•“My parents are divorced but I still have a mom and dad who love me” “The divorce was not my fault”•Adjusted to the reality of the divorce and how that effects them•Older children feel that they can take a chance on love in the future.

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We know that children work through this process much smoother if parents work together to make it the best possible situation for the children. How can you do that?

Just as you learned about the “stages of divorce” adults go through in the last session, children also have “tasks” that they experience during this family transition.

As we go through these tasks, please keep a couple things in mind:-While children experience common developmental stages, they move at an individual pace.-Children who experience the divorce process face an additional set of tasks specific to the family transition (divorce/separation) in addition to the normal developmental tasks of growing up.-The following “Psychological Tasks” begin as difficulties, escalate as their parents conflicts continue, and then continue through the separation, divorce and post-divorce years.

Understanding the Divorce: Children’s 1st task upon separation is to understand the meaning of divorce. With parents help, children begin to understand the reality and adjust to changes. Understanding what led to the marital failure requires the perspective of a mature adolescent and young adult.Strategic Withdrawal: Children and adolescents need to get on with their lives as soon as possible resuming normal activities at school and play To do this children needpossible - resuming normal activities at school and play. To do this, children need encouragement from their parents to remain children.Dealing with Loss: Children experience two profound losses: the loss of the family form they were living in and the loss of the presence of one parent from their daily lives. The task of absorbing the loss is the single most difficult task of divorce.Dealing with Anger: Children and adolescents know that divorce is voluntary. Their nhappiness has been ca sed b the people ho are s pposed to protect and care for them Sounhappiness has been caused by the people who are supposed to protect and care for them. So,

children get angry at their parents.Working out guilt: Children often feel responsible for the divorce. As they mature, many guilty feelings disappear with support from their parents.Accepting the permanence of divorce: At first, children often feel a strong need to deny the reality of the divorce. Some may not overcome the fantasy until they finally separate from th i t d l h t i

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their parents and leave home or one parent remarries.Taking a chance on Love: Probably the most important task for growing children and central task for adolescence and young adulthood. They must believe they can love and be loved in a successful partnership even though their parents did not stay together.

(Infant to 2 years)

(Preschooler)

(Ages 6-8)

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(Ages 9-12)

(A 13 18)(Ages 13-18)

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(Emerging Adult)

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While considering the general psychological tasks children experience during divorce – we also want to take time to talk about how divorce affects children differently depending on their developmental stage. We will discuss how divorce/separation affects children from birth through early adulthood, starting with infants to 2 year-olds.

How do you think separation/divorce affects young children, birth to 2 years old? (take comments from class)

(Click powerpoint to show three bullets – Discuss the following points)

•Children at this age are too young to understand what is happening, but they do sense their parents’ stress or changes in daily routine. They need to be kept away from emotional upset.

•The task of children at this age is to develop trust and to bond with primary caregivers – parents must be sure to provide love and consistency. Keep changes in schedules, caregivers, and living arrangements to a minimum.

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arrangements to a minimum.

What behaviors would you expect to see or have seen in preschoolers during separation/divorce? (Take comments from group)

(Click bullets and discuss following points)•Preschoolers lack the mental ability to understand what is happening and why•They may be confused, angry, sad, fearful

•two and three year olds have difficulty figuring out that someone who is out of sight can and will return, so long periods away from primary caregiver(s) is hard for them

•Because of the fear of abandonment, the normal development of a separate identity may be delayed and they may remain clingy.•Because preschoolers believe the “world revolves around me”, they may believe the divorce isBecause preschoolers believe the world revolves around me , they may believe the divorce is their fault.•Fantasy play will express strong desire to have family reunited – children will also play out their fears through play.•Children need parents who are accepting and encouraging – also parents who set and maintain similar limits and use consistency with appropriate consequences.Children need to kno here mom is li ing here dad is li ing and here child is li ing The

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•Children need to know where mom is living, where dad is living, and where child is living. They need to know who is going to tuck them into bed, who will give them hugs, who will play with them, who will make sure they eat (children’s issues).

How do you think separation/divorce affects young children, 6 to 8 years old – early y p y g , y yelementary school, 1st to 3rd grade? (take comments from class)

(Click powerpoint to show bullets – Discuss the following points)•Reactions at this stage include anger, grief, and a deep yearning for the departed parents, regardless of the quality of the relationship before the break-up.M i d i Thi i h hild f hi•May see increased aggression or a return to temper tantrums. This is how children of this age

express anger and frustration because they are not as good at using WORDS to express feelings – help children name what they are feeling, “Are you angry at me?” “Do you feel frustrated when your brother takes your toy?”.•At about age six, guilt begins to develop and realizing others have feelings first starts. Therefore, can be very sensitive to subtle pressures and loyalty conflicts between parents.M f l h d d k f h i f li b d hi d b•May feel they need to nurture and take care of parent that is feeling bad – this needs to be

avoided!•At this age, children know right and wrong as black and white – so, it is hard to understand that people can be both good and bad, make good choices and bad choices.•Because children identify with BOTH parents, know they are part of mom and part of dad, criticism of the other parent should be avoided. Also, do not put child “in the middle” of

l fli

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parental conflicts.

How do you think separation/divorce affects children who are ages 9 to 12, later elementary school grades 4 to 6? (take comments from class)g ( )

(Click powerpoint to show bullets – Discuss the following points)•Because of their more advanced level of intellectual development, most 9 to 12 year olds have the basic ability to see two points of view – THIS DOES NOT MEAN THEY SHOULD BE INVOLVED IN ADULT ISSUES OF DIVORCE. They do not need to be told about inappropriate behaviors by either parents just that the relationship isn’t working for mom and dad anymore butbehaviors by either parents, just that the relationship isn t working for mom and dad anymore but they are still loved by both.

•May deny their feelings – find a way to talk to your children and let them know that whatever they are feeling is ok. (car ride, playing basketball, dinner table – where to you have the best conversations with your child?)

•Children at this age benefit from spending time with the parents of the same-sex because of puberty changes.

•Children at this age are likely to be manipulative and play games with parents. They may also develop an intense anger at one parent – it is still very important for that child to continue/maintain

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deve op a te se a ge at o e pa e t t s st ve y po ta t o t at c d to co t ue/ a taregularly contact with that parent.

•Conflict and criticism of the other parent should be minimized in their presence, they should not be pressured to “take sides” or to be a messenger, mediator or spy.

How are adolescents reacting to the family transition, grades 7 to 12? (let participants comment)

(Click powerpoint to show bullets – Discuss the following points)

•Adolescents have an advantage: they are more developed socially and emotionally and their primary orientation is toward peers, not family.

•However, the loss of the parent-child relationship during a time of personal and social turmoil is a common and enduring problem.

•Independence can be given too early and without limits – this may lead to bad choices by the teen.

•Many have lasting concerns about their own intimate relationships. Need assurance that they will find and have a successful relationship.

•Need guidance from two involved parents.

•While teens may be able to assume greater responsibility in the family, parents should be careful to avoid giving them excess responsibility or to rely on them for emotional support.

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•Honest communication is key – but keep them out of the “adult issues” that may make them feel bad about another parent.

Pages 8-19 in your booklets give more detail that you can look over information specific to your children and their ages. However, your books do not continue the discussion of y g , yhow divorce effects young adults…what effects do you think young people aged 18 to 25 experience? (Discuss with parents)

(Click powerpoint to reveal the bulleted points)

•Young people this age may take on responsibility for younger siblings, both emotionally and in a care-taking role.

•Continue to talk to them about safe choices when using alcohol (age 21 and over). Discouragement from drugs.

•Through a feeling of a “loss of home”, young people this age may worry about “where will I go for Christmas?”, “where will I stay during my breaks from school?” “How will I get financial help now?”.

•Young adults are also giving up their “picture” of life and home…it is comforting at this age to “go out into the world” knowing that you can always come “home” Your

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this age to go out into the world knowing that you can always come home . Your children this age need assurance that they can always come “home”, and they may need help developing that new “picture” of what that home will feel like.

These four aspects affect how well your children will adjust to the family transition you are experiencing(read them and briefly explain each)Level of Conflict:•Factors that affect children’s adjustment to divorce•Adjustment is best when parents resolve their conflicts and work cooperativelyStable Environment:F il t t h h d k h th ibl E l h th li•Family structure has changed, so keep as much the same as possible. Example: where they live,

school they attend, childcare, schedules, place of faith attendance, friendships.Maintaining Relationships:•Children need to keep physical and emotional contact with both parents (when safe to do so)Compassionate Listening:•Allow children to express concerns and issues.

(On overhead, write “Helpful” and “Not Helpful” as two headings.)Let’s come up with a list of helpful and not so helpful behaviors that parents can do (or not do) to help children through this process.(suggest thinking about the four affects of adjustment discussed above to help with ideas)

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Changes:

There are two types of change that really are affecting children during a divorce. There are abrupt changes and continuous changes.

Abrupt change focuses on a change that is not predictable, usually dramatic and easy to identify; something either stops suddenly or starts suddenly. Divorce is an abrupt change. There is a loss of family traditions or rituals along with p g y gvisiting parents in two houses instead of one. Abrupt changes take time to get use to. There is usually a grieving process attached to this type of change.

Where continuous change just builds on what you know. As a child grows family rules change to match the child’s ability. There is a continuous change because children are continuously changing; becoming more responsible abilitiesbecause children are continuously changing; becoming more responsible, abilities are strengthening, and becoming more independent. Continuous change would be going from 4th grade in school to 5th grade. It could be changing friends within the same school among people your children already know.

Divorce means change.

Change is difficult for most people. People get use to a routine and feel comfortable with that routine. Change is often something new which can be scary. It usually contains the unknown. Multiple changes are even scarier and more difficult because of the unknown each change contains. Making a list of what changes are taking place can help relieve some of the anxiety aroundwhat changes are taking place can help relieve some of the anxiety around changes for parents and children. Parents can see how change is affecting them and what is changing in their lives.

Handout: Changes Worksheet.

Ask parents to think about what is changing in their lives.

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Things that have changed for my child: Things that are the same for my child:

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It is important to sit down and make a list with children and see what is changing for them. This is a great way to visually see the differences and what changes children are experiencing during a divorce. Compare the lists and see how they are different. Children will experience different changes. Children will also have a different perspective on changes that affect them.

Ask parents to fill out what changes you see your child experience: What are you doing more in your life? y g yWhat are you doing less in your life? What is changing? - Is anything starting or stopping?

What are you doing more in your life? What are you doing less in your life? What is changing? Is anything starting or stopping

Yes, children are resilient and adapt however it is important to see how many changes really are affecting them and how children are coping with these changes.

Multiple changes can be overwhelming for children. Stability really provides the

What is changing? - Is anything starting or stopping

security children need during this time.

Making another list of what is staying the same can help children visually see that their life still has some security in it. Talking about the positive things that are still there will also help provide comfort to children.

Ask parents to now write down what is staying the same for their child:

What is staying the same? Living in the same community? Are family rules and children’s roles the same?

Give parents time to do this.

Children need to hear what will be the same for them. This will provide emotional reassurance that their life is filled with what they know. This will help to reduceanxiety and fears. It is important as parents to talk with children about the changes they

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y p p g ywill be experiencing before they happen. This will provide everyone with a chance to discuss their feelings concerning the changes and together plan on ways to cope with these changes.

Divorce can contain overwhelming changes for most families. By making lists and problem solving together on how to cope with each g p g g pchange can help children and adults focus on their needs during this time of change. Each person will experience divorce differently therefore by discussing what you are experiencing will promote others to discuss their experiences.

Separation Anxiety focus on a normal part of development (happens around 2-3 times during a young child’s life) This is the crying when a parent leaves (last about 10 minutes) and then the child goes onto playing. This is a common behavior in daycare settings. By the time a parent calls to check to see if the child is upset the child has been playing with other children and is fineplaying with other children and is fine.

Fear of Abandonment can come about when there is a loss and is not part of normal development. Nightmares can start, bed wetting, restless sleep and even night terrors. Prolonging sleep as much as possible (sometimes this is a normal part of a child’s life howeverpossible (sometimes this is a normal part of a child s life however prolonging it to the point where there isn’t sound sleep taking place).

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VIDEO: The next video segment is called “Games Parents Play” It is a satire of a very serious topic: what parents sometimes do not realizing how it affects their children. Watch for examples from the list we just generated, and let’s see if we can add any more helpful or not helpful ideas to our list when we are done watching.After Video:•Any Helpful or Not Helpful Behaviors to add to our list? (Mention “parentification”, “hostage”, “I spy”, “put-downs”, “messenger”•The point of the video is that there are no winners in these games, least of all the children.

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In addition to behaviors, sometimes parents say things to their children that may be a “fleeting comment” as the adult, but it can have lasting impacts on children.

Pages 20 and 21 of your book give some examples of what we can say sometimes too easily as adults, but are hurtful to our children.

L t’ d f th l (f h d)Let’s read some of the examples….(from overhead)

Many of these comments aid in Alienating the other parents from your children.(Next Slide)

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Encourage parents to look at pages 22 and 23 in their booklet. It is good to ask themselves these questions periodically because:•It is very important that both parents stay involved with their children (when safe to do so)•These behaviors not only lessen the children’s connection to the other parent, but the children are emotionally hurt in the process.•Parents are divorcing – the children are notParents are divorcing the children are not.

If time DOES permit, have parents circle the bullets that they do sometimes, and X out the bullets they do not do.

If time DOES NOT permit, encourage them to work through those pages on their own and do their best to change their behavior.

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Encourage parents to look over Pages 24 though 26 in their books on their own. Headings of these pages is “Let Children Be Children” and “Ask Yourself: Am I Turning My Children Into Adults”

Above all – let’s allow Children to be Children – to deal with Children’s issues (such as Who is picking me up after school? Who will help me with my homework?(such as Who is picking me up after school? Who will help me with my homework? Who will tuck me in at night? Where will my teddy bear be? Who is picking me up after my sports event?)

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AND – sometimes you will BLOW IT by saying something you wish you had not said or doing something you wish you hadn’t done. When you do, pull out the wallet card that is in the back of your booklet and know that you are still a good person, because acknowledging it is the first step to changing!

**SO what do we do to make all of this work?SO, what do we do to make all of this work?Next, we will talk about how you can improve communication with not only your co-parent, but also your children and other people in your life (co-workers, extended family)

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How many of you have heard of or have used “I” messages? “I” messages are a positive communication skill that can help you deliver high-powered messages in a CONSTRUCTIVE way.

VIDEO: Let’s watch the “Owning your Feelings” video that will describe and give examples of “I” messages, opposed to using “you” messages.

After Video:Did you see any differences in the communication between the couple when they used the “I” versus “You” messages?Why are “I” messages more effective?

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Problem Solving – Baseball Method

What are your Options?

Options can be positive or negative. The most important thing is to see

the different options – so write them all down What could you do?

Pick a solution that will have an actual result – one

that is solution based. Blaming others or yelling

all down. What could you do?because you are upset is not solution based.

So think about the options that will result in a solution

to the problem.

Define the Problem

Pick a Solution

Is that solution working?

If not bat again-or

Is there a problem? If yes, then

you are up togpick another

solution!

you are up to bat. Home

Base

NOTE: Children and Parents might see problems from a

different perspective.

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Handout the handout: Baseball Method – it is a visual that children need to process how to do it. Hand out this method to parents explaining this i f l t l t ith hild t t h bl l iis a useful tool to use with children to teach problem solving.

Advantages: They will see they have other options! Good options and not so good options but they will see all the options which is critical.

T “I’ b d”Teenagers – “I’m bored”– If you teach children problem solving skills they will learn to see

that they have options rather than being bored. – They will see more than one option more than one choice naturally.

Adult problem? --a problem that children don’t need to worry about.

Let’s try a situation: Children come home from school on a Friday...Mom, Mom can we rent some video games and movies for this weekend. Nagging Mom over and over. M i i h h i d h j i i b f D dMom gives in, they rent the movies and get home just in time before Dad arrives to pick up the children for the weekend. Mom goes to get ready for her date she has that night. Children go to Dad’s with the games. Dad doesn’t allow them to play the games because he has other plans. So the children quick call Mom before Mom leaves on her date. Date is waiting at the door when she gets this phone call. The children are complaining, Mom is distracted because her date is waiting and so she says put your Dad on thedistracted because her date is waiting, and so she says put your Dad on the phone.

Is there a problem? - Do the baseball method

Focus on what the problem is – remember everyone has a different perception of the situation (so there are no wrong answers)

1. First step…… 2. Second step…… 3. List all the solutions (positive or negative) – point out which ones are

positive or solution based that will get a result. 4. Then after time evaluate and is that solution working for you?

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REMEMBER: As an adult going through divorce you can only control things that are going on at your home. You can inform the other parent but you cannot enforce.

Another Situation: Dad is going on a sky trip with children. This has been planned out for a month. In the past Dad hasn’t always enforced that the children should wear p yhelmets when they go sledding or ride their bikes – Mom is worried about safety issues. Dad comes to pick up children. Children are excited – they have never gone skiing before. Dad has been planning extra special things for them to do and the children can’t wait to spend time on the slope or with Dad. Mom is nervous about this trip and remembers that Dad in the past has not been focused on safety issues regarding the children When Mom sees Dad atbeen focused on safety issues regarding the children. When Mom sees Dad at the door, she pauses before letting the kids know that Dad is there. Mom says, “No, they cannot go with you on the ski trip.”

Is there a problem? - Do the baseball method1 Fi1. First step…… 2. Second step…… 3. List all the solutions (positive or negative) – point out which ones are

positive or solution based that will get a result. 4. Then after time evaluate and is that solution working for you?

Point to the bases (this is something you can play as a group or with children) –

Great therapy method for learning how to see (visually) options Not all options will be positive ones-it is important to stay solution based

During a divorce and visitation schedules don’t always go according to plan: situations like these arise.

It is important to focus on the bigger message.

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Let’s try another situation – take out the baseball method again.

Problem:! Child took both tennis shoes and sandals to the other parent’s house. When the child returned no one noticed the tennis shoes were missing. Monday morning basketball camp was starting and the child needed the tennis shoes. This was only noticed the next morning – “Oh yah, I took them to my other parent’s home for the weekend”. Basketball camp starts in an hour. What do you do as a parent to provide your child with shoes for camp? Or do you do anything?a parent to provide your child with shoes for camp? Or do you do anything?

First step: Identify the problem: o No shoes for basketball camp (positive response)o Parent or child forgot the shoes (negative response)

So now what do you do? y

Second Step: What are your solutions? (It would be ideal to write these down on a large piece of paper – not necessary but ideally it would be visually helpful for visual learners).

Go to camp without tennis shoes (they are required so your child would probably sit on the bench the first day)would probably sit on the bench the first day)Call the other parent at work and have them run home to get the other shoes (probably won’t be able to do this in time or can’t because get out of work)Blame your child for forgetting the shoes hoping your child will never forget again and learn from it. You have one hour to buy another pair of shoes – run quick ThisYou have one hour to buy another pair of shoes run quick. This way your child will have an extra pair and will be able to participate in activities.Borrow shoes from a neighbor child/friend.Look for an extra old pair you might have laying around. Run to a thrift store and buy another pair.L t hild ith t t i h it th b h lifLet your child go without tennis shoes – sit on the bench as a life lesson.

Problem solving with your child to show that there are multiple things to do (multiple choices) and different types of solutions will allow your child to see choices that are positive and negative. From seeing the choices it is important to focus on ones that will produce a resultto focus on ones that will produce a result.

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Third step: So from your list which solution will help produce a result? Which one will give you shoes in your hand? Which one should you pick?

Going to camp without shoes – no result producedCall the other parent at work – no result because the parent probably cannot drop everything to get the shoesprobably cannot drop everything to get the shoesBlame your child or other parent – no result (shoes will not be in someone’s hand when you are done) Buying another pair of shoes – a result (shoes will be on their feet for practice)B i f i hb (if th h b lt)Borrow a pair from a neighbor (if they are home – maybe a result)Look for an old pair (if you kept them – maybe a result)Letting them go without shoes – no result but a life lesson maybe (depends on child’s age)

NOTE: Depending on the age of child – also affects the problem solving method. If you have had this problem more than once a parent might opt for the child to sit on the bench to learn from forgetting. This is where individual parenting choices apply – but it is important to let the child know that you still care about them even though they forgot the shoes.

Finding a solution that produces a result will allow everyone to take more of a positive approach. Having this approach will teach children how to solve problems in a productive way. Children will be able to use these skills later in their life. It does take practice and time to get use to problem solving situations i thiin this way.

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(Click Powerpoint ahead to show two examples of a comment.)Read each statement. Discuss.

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How do we construct an “I” message? Take a look at this outline. (read through the pieces of an “I” statement)

In your folders you have a handout that you can use to practice “I” messages. Let’s take a few minutes for each of you to think of a situation where you could have used an “I” message, or maybe a situation that you will need to use one in the future.(Give the class time to write their “I” messages)(Give the class time to write their I messages)

Would anyone like to share? (MAKE A STATEMENT that you do NOT want any statements that will be hurtful for anyone else in the class to hear about their co-parent. Confidentiality and respect for the other parent is key here)

Remember – in most cases, BOTH parents are attending this class and hearing this information. If you hear the other parents trying to use an “I” message, be open to it, even if they mess it up the first time – and try it yourself. We can only change ourselves and how we communicate. If communication is an issue for you as co-parents (which it is in many situations), try for your children’s best interests.

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Use this overhead to wrap-up “I” messages conversation.

Next week parents will be asked if they used an “I” message through the week. Encourage them to use an “I” message this week. Could use it with their kids, at work, with extended family, or with co-parent.

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Active listening means paying careful attention to what other people are saying. An active listener doesn’t offer advice, judge or criticize.

Three keys to successful active listening:1. Talk less and listen more2. Avoid being judgmental or defensive3. Listen for feelings as well as ideas.

The slide above gives suggestions to improve listening skills. Notice the emphasis on “stop talking”

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Review main points of this part of the class. Refer class to page 34 of their booklet for more detail.

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One of the first things we do as adults when filing for divorce is find out what our rights are. We propose that children also have rights. Let’s take a look at what those rights are.(Read over Rights)

Also in the back of your booklet is a wallet card that has “7 Messages Children Need to Hear from Their Parents”Need to Hear from Their Parents

On your own time, look through pages 35-37, which includes “Children’s Rights When Their Parents Divorce” and “Helping Children Through Divorce”. They re-emphasize our conversation of Helpful things we can do to help our children through this time.

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Pages 36-37 of the parent handbook identify ways that parents can help their children through divorce. Key points are reassurance, stability, encouragement, fairness, honesty, support, security, and trust.

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1. Remind parents that even under the best of conditions, parenting is a challenge; when parents divorce or separate, it is even more difficult.

Children often express feelings by acting outParents need to adapt their parenting style to account for the fact thatParents need to adapt their parenting style to account for the fact that

the other parent is absent.

2. Being a single parent is an opportunity to develop new parenting skills. This program offers some basic parenting information that can help.

3. Ask parents to talk about what comes to mind when they hear the word “discipline”4. Display overhead, “When Discipline is needed” and explain the difference between discipline

and punishment.Discipline is teaching and responds to the unwanted behavior (ex. Child is not getting good

grades, so they cannot be in extra-curricular activity so they have more time for homework until grades are up again)

Punishment is often not related to the behavior but quickly ends it. It does not teach why thePunishment is often not related to the behavior but quickly ends it. It does not teach why the behavior was wrong (ex. Young child running in street and parent spanks them)

**This was just a brief introduction to parenting ideas. Parenting classes in your area can help you further with more specific parenting questions. There are brochures in your packet that outline local parent education opportunities that we encourage you to look in to.

E t h “t l b ” f di i li id P ti l h l dd “t l ” t

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Every parent has a “tool box” of discipline ideas. Parenting classes can help you add “tools” to your box and make you a more effective parent. (Should be resources of local resources available at each site)

Show “Parenting Styles” video

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VIDEO:Use the overhead to re-cap what was said in video about the three styles of parenting.Do you think parenting styles change after a divorce? Why?Which parenting style is easiest for the parent? For the Child?Do you feel you only use ONE parenting style? Why might different styles be used

t diff t ti ?at different times?

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When children misbehave parents often think that children are misbehaving to irritate them, to challenge their authority, or to be a pest.

(Discuss points on overhead)

Point is, it is much easier to respond when you can understand why your child is i b h i R f t 42 44 “Wh Child Mi b h ” fmisbehaving. Refer to page 42-44 “Why Children Misbehave” for more

information on this.

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Refer to page 45 of the parent’s book.

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Parenting Apart:VIDEO: “Parallel Parenting”

Introduction: Imagine you are on a trip. We all have different ways of traveling from point A to point B. If two people are traveling together and do not agree on their mode of transportation or which way the should go, there will be problems. If children are along for the ride, they will be affected too. This segment illustrates the importance of maintaining parallel “tracks” for children to travel toward maturity.

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Parenting Apart:

After Video:You are divorcing but will be parents forever.This is a metaphor to help you work through parenting in the years to come.Go over principles on overhead.

Overview of resources:•Page 47 of parent booklet gives more information on parallel-parenting business principles•Page 49 has a sample parenting plan. Because so many parents found that useful, a “Creating a Parenting Plan” booklet has been developed – information is in your folder

Final Video – “Voices of the Children of Divorce”This video is different from others used in the class tonight because it uses real children instead of actors. It illustrates the points made this evening, and shows us the hurt, confusion, and frustration children can feel if we don’t use the ideas given this evening – not putting our children first.

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End with summary story from “Charlie Anderson” Book by Barbara Ambercrombie“Our wish for your children is that they can feel they also have two homes that love and care for them – just like Charlie Anderson”

Introduce the We Agree: Creating a Parenting Plan booklet

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Read the overhead.

Close this section with reading “Charlie Anderson.”

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Read “Let Go…” and have copies available.

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LET GO…

To let go does not mean to stop caringIt means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself offIt’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enablegBut to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessnessWhich means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to change or blame anotherIt’s to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,But to care about.

To let go is not to fixBut to be supportive.

To let go is not to judgeBut to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle Arranging all the outcomes.But to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protectiveIt’s to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to denyBut accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argueBut instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desiresBut to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybodyBut to try and become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,But to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

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Layers of Divorce:

COLLABORATIVE TEAM:COLLABORATIVE TEAM: Legal System - Attorneys, mediators, Judges, court systems, legal assistance

Human Service System – Child support, medical insurance, food stamps, housing assistanceMental Health System – Support groups, safety planning, family therapist, MPLN, Prairie

Education System – School counselors, community education, ECFE in MN, collegeFaith System – Support Network (pastors), beliefs, inner strengths, core values

Friendship System - Friends, neighbors, PTA parents, community helpers

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Family System - Parents, children, grandparents, uncles (however you define family)http://www.extension.umn.edu/parentsforever/unit2/unit2-3d.asp

Things that have changed for my child: Things that are the same for my child:

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Problem Solving – Baseball Method

What are your Options?

Options can be positive or negative. The most important thing is to see

the different options – so write them all down What could you do?

Pick a solution that will have an actual result – one

that is solution based. Blaming others or yelling

all down. What could you do?because you are upset is not solution based.

So think about the options that will result in a solution

to the problem.

Define the Problem

Pick a Solution

Is that solution working?

If not bat again-or

Is there a problem? If yes, then

you are up togpick another

solution!

you are up to bat. Home

Base

NOTE: Children and Parents might see problems from a

different perspective.

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LET GO…

To let go does not mean to stop caringIt means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself offIt’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enablegBut to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessnessWhich means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to change or blame anotherIt’s to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,But to care about.

To let go is not to fixBut to be supportive.

To let go is not to judgeBut to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle Arranging all the outcomes.But to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protectiveIt’s to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to denyBut accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argueBut instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desiresBut to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybodyBut to try and become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,But to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

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parents forever notes pages.ppt - north dakota state ... filewelcome/introduction of facilitators...

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