parenting workshop adolescent hood

Parenting WorkshopParenting WorkshopAdolescent HoodAdolescent Hood

Mary Ann BishayMary Ann Bishay

[email protected]@yahoo.com

What is Adolescence?What is Adolescence?

Time of transition and change Time of transition and change

““Adults in training”Adults in training”

Incredible changes that involve many Incredible changes that involve many areas of her life: neurological, hormonal, areas of her life: neurological, hormonal, emotional, social, and spiritual emotional, social, and spiritual

Adolescent Psychosocial Adolescent Psychosocial DevelopmentDevelopment

Teenagers are seeking autonomyTeenagers are seeking autonomy

They are separating from their parents in They are separating from their parents in order to establish identities of their own order to establish identities of their own and their own value systemand their own value system

Erikson’s Psychosocial TheoryErikson’s Psychosocial Theory

Individuals progress through eight Individuals progress through eight psychosocial stages during the life span psychosocial stages during the life span

Defined by conflict involving the individuals Defined by conflict involving the individuals relationship with the social environment relationship with the social environment

Erikson believed that a healthy personality Erikson believed that a healthy personality depends on acquiring the appropriate depends on acquiring the appropriate basic attitudes in the proper sequence. basic attitudes in the proper sequence.

Erikson's Psychosocial Stages

Stage Basic Conflict

Important Events

Outcome

I nfancy (birth to 18 months)

Trust vs. Mistrust

Feeding Children develop a sense of trust when caregivers provide reliability, care, and

affection. A lack of this will lead to mistrust.

Early Childhood (2 to 3 years)

Autonomy vs. Shame and

Doubt

Toilet Training

Children need to develop a sense of personal control over physical skills and a sense of independence. Success leads to feelings of autonomy, failure results in

feelings of shame and doubt.

Preschool (3 to 5 years)

Initiative vs. Guilt

Exploration Children need to begin asserting control and power over the environment. Success in this stage leads to a sense of purpose. Children who try to exert too much power

experience disapproval, resulting in a sense of guilt.

School Age (6 to 11 years)

Industry vs. Inferiority

School Children need to cope with new social and academic demands. Success leads to a

sense of competence, while failure results in feelings of inferiority.

Adolescence (12 to 18

years)

Identity vs. Role

Confusion

Social Relationships

Teens needs to develop a sense of self and personal identity. Success leads to an

ability to stay true to yourself, while failure leads to role confusion and a weak sense

of self.

Young Adulthood (19 to 40 years)

Intimacy vs. Isolation

Relationships Young adults need to form intimate, loving relationships with other people. Success

leads to strong relationships, while failure results in loneliness and isolation.

Middle Adulthood (40 to 65 years)

Generativity vs.

Stagnation

Work and Parenthood

Adults need to create or nurture things that will outlast them, often by having

children or creating a positive change that benefits other people. Success leads to

feelings of usefulness and accomplishment, while failure results in

shallow involvement in the world.

Maturity(65 to death)

Ego Integrity vs. Despair

Reflection on Life

Older adults need to look back on life and feel a sense of fulfillment. Success at this stage leads to feelings of wisdom, while failure results in regret, bitterness, and

despair.

Identity versus Role Confusion Identity versus Role Confusion

““Who am I” Who am I”

For the first time adolescents are seriously For the first time adolescents are seriously looking to the future and considering an looking to the future and considering an occupational identity occupational identity

Identity crisis Identity crisis

Adolescent EgocentrismAdolescent Egocentrism

Imaginary audience Imaginary audience

Personal fable Personal fable

Common Adolescent DisordersCommon Adolescent Disorders

Opposition defiant DisorderOpposition defiant Disorder Conduct Disorder Conduct Disorder ADHDADHD DepressionDepression Eating disorders Eating disorders Anxiety DisordersAnxiety Disorders

Adolescent Cognitive Adolescent Cognitive DevelopmentDevelopment

Corpus callosumCorpus callosum Intelligence, consciousness, and self Intelligence, consciousness, and self

awareness awareness

Prefrontal cortex Prefrontal cortex Emotional control, impulse restraint, and Emotional control, impulse restraint, and

rational decision making rational decision making

““How can I be a successful How can I be a successful parent”?parent”?

God's word provides the best way to God's word provides the best way to raise children.raise children.

God’s Word For Parents

“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.” (2 Timothy 3:16)

Raising godly children is a good work, and the Scriptures instruct us in righteousness and equip us for good works. (2 Timothy 3:16,17 )

““How can I be a successful How can I be a successful parent”?parent”?

Key to raising kids is to have a plan!Key to raising kids is to have a plan!

“ “How can I be a successful How can I be a successful parent”?parent”?

What are your goals for your kids?What are your goals for your kids?

God’s Goal for Your ChildrenGod’s Goal for Your Children The Main Goal Is to Train Children to Serve God , So The Main Goal Is to Train Children to Serve God , So

They Can Receive Eternal Life.They Can Receive Eternal Life.

What are your goals for yourselves as parents? What are your goals for yourselves as parents?

God’s Goals for You As A ParentGod’s Goals for You As A Parent

““Train up a child in Train up a child in the way he should gothe way he should go, , and when he is old he will not depart from and when he is old he will not depart from it.”it.” (Proverbs 22:6) Proverbs 22:6)

““Fathers, do not provoke your children to Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)6:4)


“For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.” (Genesis 18:19)

Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.” (Psalms 34:11)


Joshua declared, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15)

“Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” (Malachi 2:15)


“For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him." (Genesis 18:19)

“In that day I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken concerning his house: when I begin, I will also make an end. For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knows; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not. And therefore I have sworn unto the house of Eli, that the iniquity of Eli's house shall not be purged with sacrifice nor offering for ever.” (1 Samuel 3:12-14)

Generation GapGeneration Gap The distance between generations in values, The distance between generations in values,

behaviors, and knowledge, marked by a mutual behaviors, and knowledge, marked by a mutual lack of understanding lack of understanding

Often time the generation gap can be Often time the generation gap can be problematic to families. It can cause problematic to families. It can cause misunderstandings, confusion to each individual misunderstandings, confusion to each individual in the families behavior, etc in the families behavior, etc

Its important to be aware of these gaps and the Its important to be aware of these gaps and the difficulties and challenges that may arise due to difficulties and challenges that may arise due to these gaps these gaps

What your teen is thinking…What your teen is thinking…

1. “If my parents would just leave me alone, 1. “If my parents would just leave me alone, everything would be fine.” everything would be fine.”

2. “My parents are so out of touch”2. “My parents are so out of touch”

3. My parents are control freaks3. My parents are control freaks

4. “All my parents care about is…”4. “All my parents care about is…”

Signs that teenagers are feeling Signs that teenagers are feeling frustrated and hurt.frustrated and hurt.

She continually tells you that it doesn’t matter when you She continually tells you that it doesn’t matter when you let her down. let her down.

He overreacts to seemingly neutral commentsHe overreacts to seemingly neutral comments She goes out of her way to avoid youShe goes out of her way to avoid you He tells you about his friends’ parents who are “so cool.”He tells you about his friends’ parents who are “so cool.” She abandons any efforts to gain your approvalShe abandons any efforts to gain your approval He insists that everything is fine when He insists that everything is fine when

his appearance and actions suggest his appearance and actions suggest

otherwise. otherwise.

What your teen is thinking…What your teen is thinking…

5. “They don’t even know me”5. “They don’t even know me”

Self EsteemSelf Esteem

How often do you tell your children you are How often do you tell your children you are proud of them?proud of them?

There is a drop in self esteem beginning at There is a drop in self esteem beginning at age 12. age 12.

Encouragement vs. criticismEncouragement vs. criticism

Your contribution to building Your contribution to building self Esteem self Esteem

Use praise liberally Use praise liberally

Do you interact with your teen more through Do you interact with your teen more through criticism than anything else?criticism than anything else?

Catch your children being good Catch your children being good

Set achievable and reasonable tasks for your Set achievable and reasonable tasks for your children children

Your contribution to building self Your contribution to building self esteemesteem

Ask for their opinionsAsk for their opinions This lets them feel that they’re being helpful, and that This lets them feel that they’re being helpful, and that

you respect them and are open to their thoughtsyou respect them and are open to their thoughts Look for areas where they excelLook for areas where they excel Teenagers are pleased to learn that their opinions Teenagers are pleased to learn that their opinions

matter to you!matter to you! When they are convinced that you’re genuinely When they are convinced that you’re genuinely

interested in what they think, they are more likely to interested in what they think, they are more likely to share their thoughts and ask you for your own share their thoughts and ask you for your own opinions. Not to mention raise their self esteem!opinions. Not to mention raise their self esteem!

Adolescent suicideAdolescent suicide

Suicidal ideationSuicidal ideation Parasuicide Parasuicide

Warning signs Warning signs Use of drugsUse of drugs Giving away prized possessionsGiving away prized possessions Saying contactsSaying contacts Talking, writing, or listening to music with Talking, writing, or listening to music with

death themesdeath themes

InternetInternet The internet has been linked to The internet has been linked to

teenage depressionteenage depression isolationisolation suicide risk. suicide risk.

Teens are creating “cyber relationships” to Teens are creating “cyber relationships” to supplant “real time relationships”supplant “real time relationships”

PornographyPornography

Peer GroupsPeer Groups

Vital source of emotional support and Vital source of emotional support and approvalapproval

Adolescents are not assigned to peer Adolescents are not assigned to peer groups at random, they usually choose to groups at random, they usually choose to associate with those similar to themselves associate with those similar to themselves

The Power of Peer PressureThe Power of Peer Pressure

Social pressure from members of your Social pressure from members of your group to accept certain beliefs or act in group to accept certain beliefs or act in certain ways in order to be acceptedcertain ways in order to be accepted

““The Nurture Assumption”, by Judith The Nurture Assumption”, by Judith Harris Harris

TimeTime your teen’s peers get 21 hours, on average your teen’s peers get 21 hours, on average


Kids usually seek out other kids who are Kids usually seek out other kids who are similar to themselvessimilar to themselves Internal similarities such as sharing feelings of Internal similarities such as sharing feelings of

anger, depression, self loathing, or social anger, depression, self loathing, or social isolation. isolation.

Similarity of painful life experiences, like self Similarity of painful life experiences, like self absorbed parents, broken homes, or an absorbed parents, broken homes, or an inability to do well in school. inability to do well in school.


The acting out is only a symptom of the The acting out is only a symptom of the real problem.real problem.

Is the issue peer pressure or emotional Is the issue peer pressure or emotional pain?pain?

What the Bible tells us about What the Bible tells us about choosing our Peerschoosing our Peers

1 Corinthians 15:33 - Do not be deceived: 1 Corinthians 15:33 - Do not be deceived: "Evil company corrupts good habits." "Evil company corrupts good habits."

Proverbs 13:20 – “He who walks with wise Proverbs 13:20 – “He who walks with wise menmen will be wise, But the companion of will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed.” fools will be destroyed.”

What You, As A Parent Can You What You, As A Parent Can You DoDo

Have a PLAN!Have a PLAN!

Get to know your children's friends. Have them Get to know your children's friends. Have them visit in your home visit in your home

Know the people your teens will be with, where Know the people your teens will be with, where they are going, when they'll be back, etc.they are going, when they'll be back, etc.

Train your children, from a very early age, to Train your children, from a very early age, to choose the right kind of friends choose the right kind of friends

What You, As A Parent Can You What You, As A Parent Can You DoDo

Give your children opportunities to associate with Give your children opportunities to associate with other teens you approve ofother teens you approve of

Train your children to talk about the gospel with Train your children to talk about the gospel with their peerstheir peers Children should learn to invite other children to Bible Children should learn to invite other children to Bible

classes, discuss right and wrong, set up Bible studies, classes, discuss right and wrong, set up Bible studies, etc. etc.

If parents determine some young person is a If parents determine some young person is a harmful influence on their child, they have every harmful influence on their child, they have every right to interveneright to intervene intervene if you must in a wise way intervene if you must in a wise way

Problems Teens Face at SchoolProblems Teens Face at School

* Lying* Lying* Profanity, dirty jokes, etc. (students and * Profanity, dirty jokes, etc. (students and

teachers)teachers)* Drinking* Drinking* Violence and fighting (students with students or * Violence and fighting (students with students or

with teachers)with teachers)* Immodesty, lack of dress codes* Immodesty, lack of dress codes* Coed gym - immodest uniforms* Coed gym - immodest uniforms* Smoking* Smoking* Peer pressure/bad crowds* Peer pressure/bad crowds

Problems Teens Face at SchoolProblems Teens Face at School Drugs (7 of 8 students personally knew children Drugs (7 of 8 students personally knew children

who used drugs).who used drugs). Ridicule and making fun of children who are Ridicule and making fun of children who are

good or differentgood or different Gossip, slanderGossip, slander CheatingCheating Stealing and vandalismStealing and vandalism DancingDancing Disrespect for teachers and parentsDisrespect for teachers and parents False goals (popularity, wealth)False goals (popularity, wealth)

Problems Teens Face at SchoolProblems Teens Face at School

Classes that justify evolution, abortion, Classes that justify evolution, abortion, homosexuality, situation ethics, contraceptives, homosexuality, situation ethics, contraceptives, divorce, premarital sex, disrespect for parents, divorce, premarital sex, disrespect for parents, etc.etc.

Reading assignments with immorality, violence, Reading assignments with immorality, violence, etc.etc.

Sexual promiscuity - petting at school, pregnant Sexual promiscuity - petting at school, pregnant girls, children talking openly about sexual girls, children talking openly about sexual relations, everyone expected to do it, etc.relations, everyone expected to do it, etc.

Schedule conflicts with church activitiesSchedule conflicts with church activities

Entertainment: Television, Movies, and MusicEntertainment: Television, Movies, and Music

Drug and alcohol abuseDrug and alcohol abuse The occult - witchcraft, Satanism, astrology, The occult - witchcraft, Satanism, astrology,

sorcery, etc.sorcery, etc. Violence, murder, suicideViolence, murder, suicide Sexual promiscuity - fornication, adultery, Sexual promiscuity - fornication, adultery,

homosexuality, immodesty and even nudityhomosexuality, immodesty and even nudity Profanity, cursing, obscenityProfanity, cursing, obscenity Rebellion against parents, government, God Rebellion against parents, government, God

and the Bibleand the Bible

TelevisionTelevision

The average American watches TV 50 hours per week - The average American watches TV 50 hours per week - ten hours more than the average workweekten hours more than the average workweek

A study of 58 hours of prime-time TV revealed: 5 rapes, A study of 58 hours of prime-time TV revealed: 5 rapes, 7 homosexual acts, 28 acts of prostitution, 41 examples 7 homosexual acts, 28 acts of prostitution, 41 examples of sexual relations between unmarried people. But this of sexual relations between unmarried people. But this study was in 1983!study was in 1983!

It has been estimated that, by the time the average child It has been estimated that, by the time the average child

reaches age 18, he will have witnessed more than reaches age 18, he will have witnessed more than 15,000 murders on TV or in movies. 15,000 murders on TV or in movies.

TelevisionTelevision

In 1991 the National Coalition On In 1991 the National Coalition On Television Violence estimated that, if TV Television Violence estimated that, if TV violence had never been introduced, each violence had never been introduced, each year the US would have 10,000 fewer year the US would have 10,000 fewer murders, 70,000 fewer rapes, 1,000,000 murders, 70,000 fewer rapes, 1,000,000 fewer motor vehicle thefts, 2,500,000 fewer motor vehicle thefts, 2,500,000 fewer burglaries, and 10,000,000 fewer fewer burglaries, and 10,000,000 fewer acts of larceny. Crime rates would be half acts of larceny. Crime rates would be half what they are now. what they are now.

MoviesMovies

Here is a survey of the contents of PG and PG-Here is a survey of the contents of PG and PG-13 movies in 1988:13 movies in 1988: Nearly 1/4 have the "f-word.“Nearly 1/4 have the "f-word.“ 61% take God's name in vain.61% take God's name in vain. 71% contain vulgar references to excretion, 71% contain vulgar references to excretion,

intercourse, or genitals.intercourse, or genitals. 50% imply sexual intercourse50% imply sexual intercourse 13% show intercourse13% show intercourse 30% show explicit nudity30% show explicit nudity 75% include moderate or severe violence75% include moderate or severe violence 74% depict alcohol or drug abuse 74% depict alcohol or drug abuse

Parental Relationships: Parental Relationships: Their quality and Their quality and

influenceinfluence

Parental involvement is a key Parental involvement is a key ingredient in fostering ingredient in fostering adolescents’ success adolescents’ success

God: Our true parental example

The Scriptures often compare God's

relationship to His children to a father‘s

relationship to his earthly children.

(Matthew7:9-11, Hebrew 12:5-11)

God: Our true parental example

“This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.”

(Joshua 1:8)

Types of Parenting StylesTypes of Parenting Styles

AuthoritarianAuthoritarian

Authoritative Parents Authoritative Parents

Permissive ParentsPermissive Parents

AuthoritarianAuthoritarian Authoritarian parents make the rules, expect Authoritarian parents make the rules, expect

unquestioned obedience from their children, punish unquestioned obedience from their children, punish misbehavior (often physically), and value obedience to misbehavior (often physically), and value obedience to authority. Rather than giving a rationale for a rule, authority. Rather than giving a rationale for a rule, authoritarian parents consider “because I said so” as a authoritarian parents consider “because I said so” as a sufficient reason for obedience.sufficient reason for obedience.

Parents using this parenting style tend to be Parents using this parenting style tend to be uncommunicative, unresponsive, and somewhat distant.uncommunicative, unresponsive, and somewhat distant.

One research study found that preschool children One research study found that preschool children

disciplined in this way tend to be withdrawn, anxious, disciplined in this way tend to be withdrawn, anxious, and unhappy. and unhappy.

AuthoritarianAuthoritarian

Associated with low intellectual performance and Associated with low intellectual performance and lack of social skills, especially in boys. lack of social skills, especially in boys.

Extreme Authoritarian parents, often, if not Extreme Authoritarian parents, often, if not blindly obeyed, tend to respond with anger, blindly obeyed, tend to respond with anger, which has potentially negative long term which has potentially negative long term consequences. consequences. Anger is precisely the wrong emotion to direct at Anger is precisely the wrong emotion to direct at

children if they are to thrive, to achieve to be well children if they are to thrive, to achieve to be well adjusted and happy, and to become effective parents adjusted and happy, and to become effective parents in the next generation. in the next generation.

Authoritative ParentsAuthoritative Parents These parents set high but realistic and reasonable These parents set high but realistic and reasonable

standards, enforce limits, and at the same time standards, enforce limits, and at the same time encourage open communication and independence. encourage open communication and independence. They are willing to discuss rules and supply rationales They are willing to discuss rules and supply rationales for them. for them.

Knowing why the rules are necessary makes it easier for Knowing why the rules are necessary makes it easier for children to internalize them and to follow them, whether children to internalize them and to follow them, whether in the presence of their parents or not. in the presence of their parents or not.

Authoritative parents are generally warm, nurturing, Authoritative parents are generally warm, nurturing, supportive, and responsive, and they show respect for supportive, and responsive, and they show respect for their children and their opinions. their children and their opinions.

Authoritative ParentsAuthoritative Parents Their children are the most mature, happy, self reliant, Their children are the most mature, happy, self reliant,

self controlled, assertive, socially competent, and self controlled, assertive, socially competent, and responsible. responsible.

This kind of parenting style is associated with higher This kind of parenting style is associated with higher academic performance, independence, higher self academic performance, independence, higher self esteem, and internalized moral standards in middle esteem, and internalized moral standards in middle childhood and adolescence. childhood and adolescence.

Research also shows a strong relationship between Research also shows a strong relationship between authoritative parenting and high achievement and authoritative parenting and high achievement and feelings of high self worth. Children who experience feelings of high self worth. Children who experience authoritative parenting also tend to expect success, not authoritative parenting also tend to expect success, not failure, and to be active rather than passive. failure, and to be active rather than passive.

Permissive ParentsPermissive Parents Although they are rather warm and supportive, permissive parents Although they are rather warm and supportive, permissive parents

make few rules or demands and usually do not enforce those that make few rules or demands and usually do not enforce those that are made. They allow children to make their own decisions and are made. They allow children to make their own decisions and control their own behavior. children raised in this manner are the control their own behavior. children raised in this manner are the most immature, impulsive, and dependent, and they seem to be most immature, impulsive, and dependent, and they seem to be least self controlled and self reliant. least self controlled and self reliant.

This parenting style is associated with drinking problems, This parenting style is associated with drinking problems, promiscuous sex, delinquent behavior, and poor academic promiscuous sex, delinquent behavior, and poor academic performance in adolescents. performance in adolescents.

In a study of about 2,300 adolescents, those with permissive In a study of about 2,300 adolescents, those with permissive parents were more likely to use alcohol and drugs and to have parents were more likely to use alcohol and drugs and to have conduct problems and less likely to be engaged in school than were conduct problems and less likely to be engaged in school than were those with authoritative or authoritarian parents. The authoritarian those with authoritative or authoritarian parents. The authoritarian style was related to more psychological distress and less self style was related to more psychological distress and less self reliance and self confidence in adolescents. reliance and self confidence in adolescents.

Research on Parenting StylesResearch on Parenting Styles

The authoritative parenting style was The authoritative parenting style was associated with psychosocial competence associated with psychosocial competence for adolescents. for adolescents.

Female adolescents who perceive their Female adolescents who perceive their parents as authoritative have higher levels parents as authoritative have higher levels of involvement in community activities.of involvement in community activities.

What is the greatest gift What is the greatest gift you can give your you can give your

child?child?

Expressing LoveExpressing Love

With everything else going on in the With everything else going on in the troublesome teen years, it often becomes troublesome teen years, it often becomes especially difficult for parents to express especially difficult for parents to express that love and for teens to feel it on a that love and for teens to feel it on a regular and consistent basisregular and consistent basis

Young people who feel their parents’ love Young people who feel their parents’ love are less likely to get into trouble. are less likely to get into trouble.

Expressing LoveExpressing Love Feeling loved encourages pride and self worth in teens, and places Feeling loved encourages pride and self worth in teens, and places

extra value on their actionsextra value on their actions

It makes teens more receptive to your feedback, diminishes their It makes teens more receptive to your feedback, diminishes their need to seek harmful connections outside the home, and increases need to seek harmful connections outside the home, and increases their desire to participate in activities of which you approvetheir desire to participate in activities of which you approve

Translating those messages of love and care into action may not be Translating those messages of love and care into action may not be easy easy

It requires you to seek opportunities to demonstrate your affectionIt requires you to seek opportunities to demonstrate your affection

When your teenager feels that you share in both his or her When your teenager feels that you share in both his or her successes and their disappointments, they begin to gradually count successes and their disappointments, they begin to gradually count on you, knowing you’re there for him through thick and thin on you, knowing you’re there for him through thick and thin

Expressing LoveExpressing Love

Knowing vs. Feeling lovedKnowing vs. Feeling loved

What we know cognitively and what we What we know cognitively and what we feel emotionally can be very differentfeel emotionally can be very different Of the two, you want to focus on your child’s Of the two, you want to focus on your child’s

emotions emotions

The Bible and what it says The Bible and what it says about Loveabout Love

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these the greatest of these isis love. love.

(1Corinthians 13:13) (1Corinthians 13:13)

““If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.”be nothing.” (1Corinthians 13:2 )1Corinthians 13:2 )

The Bible and what it says about The Bible and what it says about LoveLove

So he answered and said, “ ‘You shall love So he answered and said, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,’ and ‘your neighbor and with all your mind,’ and ‘your neighbor as yourself.’” (Luke 10:27) as yourself.’” (Luke 10:27)

God as our Parental FigureGod as our Parental Figure

God loves us unconditionally God loves us unconditionally Nourishes us with His loveNourishes us with His love Open armsOpen arms ForgivingForgiving Doesn’t hold grudgesDoesn’t hold grudges ApproachableApproachable

What can we learn from Him as a parental What can we learn from Him as a parental figure?figure?

Simple Ways to Demonstrate Simple Ways to Demonstrate Unconditional LoveUnconditional Love

1.1. Make it a point to regularly compliment your child in a Make it a point to regularly compliment your child in a genuine way. Comment on their talents at piano, his genuine way. Comment on their talents at piano, his good grade on a history test, her computer expertise. good grade on a history test, her computer expertise.

2.2. Try to be thoughtful and considerate of their feelings. Try to be thoughtful and considerate of their feelings. Remember the names of their friends, musical Remember the names of their friends, musical interests, and their other likes and dislikes. interests, and their other likes and dislikes.

3.3. Share in their successes and failures. Convey your Share in their successes and failures. Convey your pleasure in their achievements, and let them pleasure in their achievements, and let them understand that you know how they feel in the face of understand that you know how they feel in the face of disappointment. disappointment.

Simple Ways to Demonstrate Simple Ways to Demonstrate Unconditional LoveUnconditional Love

4. Accept them as they are. Don’t try to mold them 4. Accept them as they are. Don’t try to mold them into a clone of yourself. Let them know that into a clone of yourself. Let them know that you respect their individuality. you respect their individuality.

5. Be there, go to his football games, or her soccer 5. Be there, go to his football games, or her soccer games, their chorus recital, school plays, etc. It games, their chorus recital, school plays, etc. It will make a difference to them. will make a difference to them.

6. Tell them that you love them, regardless of 6. Tell them that you love them, regardless of whether they say it back to you.whether they say it back to you.

““But my kids don’t want to spend But my kids don’t want to spend time with me…”time with me…”

Physically vs. emotionally spending time Physically vs. emotionally spending time with your childrenwith your children

Importance of Emotional connectionImportance of Emotional connection

Quality time vs. quantity time Quality time vs. quantity time

Parent Teen ConflictParent Teen Conflict

Research indicates that teens begin to Research indicates that teens begin to distance themselves from their parents at distance themselves from their parents at puberty and that conflict increases puberty and that conflict increases

Most research on families show that Most research on families show that conflict is part of growing up but that conflict is part of growing up but that parent-child relationships that are very parent-child relationships that are very high in conflict and low in support impede high in conflict and low in support impede normal adolescent development. normal adolescent development.

Parent Teen ConflictParent Teen Conflict

Conflict can arise when an adolescents drive Conflict can arise when an adolescents drive for independence clashes with the parents for independence clashes with the parents tradition of control. tradition of control.

Is conflict normal?Is conflict normal?

Do not fear conflictDo not fear conflict

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.who fears has not been made perfect in love.(1John 4:18) (1John 4:18)

Positive Attitude towards ConflictPositive Attitude towards Conflict

Problems are a time to strengthen relationships Problems are a time to strengthen relationships

Christ focused on positives Christ focused on positives ““Keep watch and pray that you may not come into temptation; Keep watch and pray that you may not come into temptation;

the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Mark 14:38).the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Mark 14:38).

Your attitude can turn your problems into blessings. Your attitude can turn your problems into blessings.

Whether or not the problem becomes a blessing Whether or not the problem becomes a blessing depends on you. He desires to turn all things into depends on you. He desires to turn all things into blessings blessings (Rom 8:28). (Rom 8:28).

Your attitude is contagious to your child. Your attitude is contagious to your child.

Cool Parents?Cool Parents?

Your children aren’t looking for cool parents but Your children aren’t looking for cool parents but searching for people he can respectsearching for people he can respect

Your primary concern is for the long-term Your primary concern is for the long-term welfare of your child, and not for her approval welfare of your child, and not for her approval

Good parents would like to be friends with their Good parents would like to be friends with their kids, but they choose to be a parent first kids, but they choose to be a parent first

Monitoring Your TeenMonitoring Your Teen

Parents awareness of what their children Parents awareness of what their children are doing, where and with whomare doing, where and with whom

Beware of the overly controlling & overly Beware of the overly controlling & overly critical parentscritical parents

Too much parental interference and control predict Too much parental interference and control predict adolescent depressionadolescent depression

Psychological controlPsychological control

Adolescents need freedom to feel competent, trusted, Adolescents need freedom to feel competent, trusted, and lovedand loved

Parent monitoring may be harmful when it does not Parent monitoring may be harmful when it does not indicate a close connection with the adolescent but indicate a close connection with the adolescent but rather it derives from harsh, suspicious parentingrather it derives from harsh, suspicious parenting

Having a balance is key! Having a balance is key!

Healthy MonitoringHealthy Monitoring

Often Parents ask: “What is the best way to Often Parents ask: “What is the best way to monitor what my kids are doing? I sometimes monitor what my kids are doing? I sometimes have no idea what they are up to.”have no idea what they are up to.”

Solution: ASKSolution: ASK

Some parents are afraid to ask or think they Some parents are afraid to ask or think they won’t get a respectful answer. If that’s the way won’t get a respectful answer. If that’s the way you feel, ASK anyway. you feel, ASK anyway.

Healthy MonitoringHealthy Monitoring

Sometimes our kids assume that our Sometimes our kids assume that our asking leads to judging, lecturing or worseasking leads to judging, lecturing or worse Preface your question by pointing out that Preface your question by pointing out that

you’re just gathering information you’re just gathering information

Observe them with their friendsObserve them with their friends

CommunicationCommunication

Why is Communication Important?Why is Communication Important?

Good communication is a fundamental human need Good communication is a fundamental human need

When unable to communicate our feelings to When unable to communicate our feelings to someone, we react with frustration, someone, we react with frustration, embarrassment, or anger embarrassment, or anger

Depression, poor self-esteem, and feelings of Depression, poor self-esteem, and feelings of isolation and alienation can result from repeated isolation and alienation can result from repeated inability to communicate with and relate to other inability to communicate with and relate to other people people

Why Is Communication Important?Why Is Communication Important?

Good communication creates an Good communication creates an atmosphere of love, mutual respect, and atmosphere of love, mutual respect, and understanding, without screaming, understanding, without screaming, demanding, and threateningdemanding, and threatening

Harmonious communication is essential in Harmonious communication is essential in helping to keep your children out of trouble helping to keep your children out of trouble and dealing with trouble if it arises. and dealing with trouble if it arises.

What is your communication channel like What is your communication channel like with your child. Do you see more of this?with your child. Do you see more of this?

Parent: How was school today?Parent: How was school today? Teen: FineTeen: Fine Parent: Anything interesting happen?Parent: Anything interesting happen? Teen: NopeTeen: Nope Parent: So what’s happening in your life Parent: So what’s happening in your life

these days?these days? Teen: Nothing Teen: Nothing

CommunicationCommunication

Make sure you have the other person’s Make sure you have the other person’s attention attention

Establish eye contact, observe what that Establish eye contact, observe what that person is doing at the momentperson is doing at the moment

Find the golden opportunities to talk to Find the golden opportunities to talk to your child and seize themyour child and seize them

Good listening vs. Bad listening

Bad listening: Teen: “I hate school. I’m gong to drop out.”

Parent: “That’s ridiculous. You don’t hate school. And I forbid you to drop out.”

Teen: (THINKING) Whatever, you never get me. If I can’t drop out, I’ll just fail out.


Good listening Teen: I hate school. I’m going to drop out” Parent: ‘I’m sorry school feels so terrible.

Can you tell me what it’s like for you? Teen: THINKING: I feel better just having

brought this up. It’s nice Mom is not flipping out on me. Maybe I’ll keep talking. Really don’t want to drop out, but I’m having this problem…


Bad listening: Teen: “Not one person in this world

loves me, especially you.” Parent: “That’s crazy, honey. I love you,

your dad loves you, your… Teen: THINKING: “I’ll just shut up

since apparently I don’t even know what I feel.”


Good listening: Teen: “Not one person in this world

loves me, especially you.” Parent: “It must be awful to feel like that.

I’m really sorry. What tell you that no one loves you?

Teen:THINKING: “Maybe Mom does care a little bit. She’s actually listening to me without telling me what to think.”

Speak wisely to your child

When speaking to our child we are: Repetitive

Predictable

Challenging ultimatums

In their face

LOUD

Tips for speaking to your teen when conveying difficult messages

1. Use fewer words in shorter sentences. The more you talk, the less they listen

2. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself!

3. Lower your voice. The louder you are the less they hear

4. Keep your hands down, especially when your kid is upset. Hands in faces are very provocative to teens. Never crowd them physically or verbally


5. Use I statements. Speak more about your feelings than their behaviors. Talk about how sad you were when he was mean to his sister, rather than what’s wrong with him

6. Organize your thoughts before you start to talk. This art of adolescent communication is hard word. Edit the first draft of what you want to say before you speak. “Open brain first, then mouth.”

7. Gage your kid’s mood before starting tough discussions. Monday mornings at 7am are bad times to bring up school issues. Timing is everything in the world of adolescent discourse.


8. Don’t cram too much into one conversation. Take frequent breaks if you see frustration building on either side. Once it gets hot, you won’t get anything good done anyway. Don’t hesitate to say, “Let’s continue this tomorrow.”

9. Allow your kid to use the pressure-relief valve of walking out at times. Although it might appear as simple defiance, it might also be their way of avoiding snap-outs. Let them know that walking away is ok if you pick up the conversation again later.


10. Don’t go to ultimatums unless absolutely necessary. Kids see ultimatums as challenges to be risen to no matter what the cost. If you feel an ultimatum coming, it’s time for a time-out.

11. Don’t talk down to your adolescent.

When conflict arises remember…LOVE

Lay your problem at God’s feet, pray

Observe and listen: balance how much you talk with how much they talk

Validate their feelings/frustrations

Establish whether this is a good time to

discuss the issue

What teens look for….C.A.R.T.What teens look for….C.A.R.T.

CCareare

AAcceptancecceptance

RRespect espect

TTrustrust

Communication TipsCommunication Tips

Don’t interrogate or lectureDon’t interrogate or lecture They are not on the witness standThey are not on the witness stand Teenagers are very sensitive to intensive Teenagers are very sensitive to intensive

questioning and tend to withdraw when questioning and tend to withdraw when pressed pressed

If you have serious questions that must be If you have serious questions that must be answered, pick only the most important answered, pick only the most important ones to ask ones to ask

Communication TipsCommunication Tips

Balance how much you talk with how Balance how much you talk with how much your teen talks much your teen talks

Don’t bring up past grievances, or faults Don’t bring up past grievances, or faults that they have done that they have done If it was in the past, keep it there. If it was in the past, keep it there.

What the Bible Tells Us About What the Bible Tells Us About CommunicationCommunication

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; (James 1:19). (James 1:19).

Talk to your children not yell at themTalk to your children not yell at them

Communication is more than just talk. Jesus Communication is more than just talk. Jesus said that “out of the heart’s abundance the said that “out of the heart’s abundance the mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45). mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45). So through good communication, we learn from So through good communication, we learn from

others and reveal things about ourselves. others and reveal things about ourselves.

parenting workshop adolescent hood

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