Parenting: When Love Isn’t Enough

Tricia and Daniel attended my couples weekend workshop last year. What happened after that was not what they had expected. They expected to argue less. They expected to get to the root of annoyances. They expected to learn how to work through disagreements. They expected to rekindle the romance. Indeed, the couples workshop not only met, but exceeded, those expectations. However, the couples workshop on love and romance also taught them valuable lessons on parenting. Several months after attending my presentation of The Art and Science of Love, a weekend couples workshop developed by The Gottman Institute, their home became more of a place of refuge and peace. Less blow ups. Less angry confrontations. Less selfishness.

Here’s part of a letter to me from Tricia and Daniel, married for 15 years and the parents of 3 children: We deeply love our children and feel blessed to have them in our lives. We had been wired to believe that whatever family issues we faced, we could handle it. We thought, “We unconditionally love our kids. We’re their parents! We know them and we’ll always do what’s best for them.”

Now we know that love isn’t enough. The best thing we’ve done for them was attend the workshop and do the hard work that followed it. Since the skills and concepts we learned are universally true, they are applicable to all important relationships, including the parent-child relationship and sibling relationships. We’re still not perfect. Our teenager recently broke curfew, our middle child has mood swings, our youngest can’t ever be ready on time. But now we know how to approach areas of conflict, and to build upon the good stuff. We have seen miracles in our home … . We notice the children are mimicking our behavior. We see them using better words and behaviors … . trying to make repairs, de-escalate situations, sooth themselves and each other, and reach compromises with family members. Tricia and Daniel’s experience is not uncommon. Couples who attend a well-designed and research-based couples workshop presented by a properly trained therapist can increase the emotional intelligence of themselves and their families. Caralee Frederic has practiced as a private couples and individual therapist, specializing in marriage therapy and counseling, for almost 20 years. She is also a Certified Gottman Therapist and presenter of The Art and Science of Love, a two-day event packed with information that helps couples with everything from managing conflict to developing greater intimacy. Most of her couples workshops are in Denver, Colorado, and the workshop material was created by The Gottman Institute, whose founder is famed for developing couples therapy methods based on concrete, scientific studies.