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Practical Parenting Sheila O’Malley

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Page 1: Parenting Teenagers 2010

Practical ParentingSheila O’Malley

Page 2: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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What do you want to take away today?

Practical Tips and Skills

– How I am in myself determines how I parent

– Happy parent, happy teen

– How you look after yourself on a daily basis

Communication & Feelings

– Listening is key

– Open or Defensive Communication

– All communication is about self

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Unconditional love is the most important aspect of relationship with self and others

Page 4: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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Physically

Sexually

Emotionally

Intellectually

Behaviourally

Socially

Creatively

Spiritually

Will influence how you relate to your teen in these areas

How you feel about you is mirrored in how you care for self

Page 5: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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Physical expression of Self Poor Sense of Self

Poor diet/no exercise

Pushes oneself

Never asks for help

Rush/race;

Never says No

Operates from neglect and overload

Self Acceptance

Moderate in diet/alcohol

Rests when tired

Asks for help/support

Allows adequate time

Know your limits

Values self

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Emotional Self: your ability to give & receive loveMen's’ challenge is to give & women's’ is to receive Poor sense of self

Beats oneself up

Thinks ‘I can’t do it’

Says ‘I’m not good enough’

Feels ‘I don’t measure up’

Avoids challenge

Self Acceptance

Builds oneself up

Thinks ‘ I will give it a try’

Says ‘I did my best’

Feels ‘I accept myself ‘

Actions: Challenges self

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Other expressions of Self Poor sense of self

Creative: No personal time hobby/interest

Spiritual: No reflection

Social: ‘I’m no one special.. Troubled relationships.

Behavioural: 'I messed up’ (Self critical)

Self Acceptance

Creative: Values self to diary personal time

Takes time to be

Social: ‘I’m special’ Enduring friendships

Behavioural: 'I did my best’ Compassionate

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When we don’t take care of ourselves - Your response:

Being irritable

Being critical

Being impatient

Being anxious

Being tired

Being timid

Being a perfectionist

The challenge is to:

Embrace mistakes

Accept self

Nurture self

Believe in self

Rest yourself

Your presence matters

Believe you are good enough

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Parenting styles:

Authoritarian:

Dominant/controlling,

Overprotective:

Needs to be needed, the carer, gives gives gives

Authoritative:

Allows quite a bit of freedom; but clear standards of behaviour

They listen & reason

Warm relationship

Clear in expectations

“I trust & believe”

Page 10: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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Each parents relationship with self

Your relationship with your partner

Parents relationship with teen

Difficult behaviour arises from what happens in the family

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When he feels right; he will behave right

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Teens who are troubled or troubling are not out to make your life difficult; they’re unconsciously trying to show you how difficult life is for them

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When I act different; others act differentlyDefensive Communication

Command/Demand

Advise

Scold

Correct

Judge

Label

Criticise

Lecture/Moralise

Change your interaction

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Defensive communication is: controlling, superior, judgemental, & mirrors an insecure self.

“Turn that off NOW!”

“Give me that!”

“How dare you”

“Get in here now I said!”

Conflict gets buried, ignored, diluted and wellbeing suffers as teen is blamed or parent blames self

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Angry? Take action for self; not against my teen

“I feel stressed and I need ..”

Separateness is the basis for togetherness!

You respond better to conflict when you maintain your own boundary

Page 16: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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All behaviour mirror’s relationship with self

Challenging Behaviour

Cross

Criticise

Punish

Situation escalates

No resolution

Blame the teen or blame yourself

Best Response

Stay calm

Stay Separate

Don’t personalise

Separate teen from the behaviour

“I love you, but I can’t accept this behaviour

Page 17: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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Negative behaviour decreases if ignored

Don’t get into conflict

Don’t break relationship

Admit if you were wrong; and apologise

Settle for less

Stay Separate

Separate his behaviour from person:

“I’m happy to listen, but no one shouts at me”

Parent using love not laws; be flexible

Press the PAUSE button and catch them being good

Page 18: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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All Communication is about self

How I relate to another is a mirror of how I relate to self

If I am in a good place, my communication is open

Wellness thrives and conflict gets resolved

What I feel, think; say and do is only about me

Page 19: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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What my teen says, feels, thinks and does is about himHe feels that you care

He knows you wish to understand

Gives him opportunity to find solution

Anger dissipates when grievances are heard

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If what you are doing is not working; try something different! Keep connecting..

1.There’s a connection between how a teen feels , and how he behaves

2.Highly disturbed behaviour is an inability to express emotion

3.When your teen deserves your love the least, they need it the most..

Page 21: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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“Listening is not waiting to speak, to interject, to use the time to plan what you’re going to say. It’s not being distracted. It’s more than hearing. It’s paying attention. It’s wanting to know; not wishing to inform. It’s silent, reverential and it’s healing.

Listening is the first act of communication

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Good communication is: Emphatic, real, non judgemental

Thanks for the help; you’re always so thoughtful”

“I noticed how punctual you always are”

“You made a great effort; I’m proud of you!”

“What do you think? I’m interested in your opinion?”

“You’re really good at the PC, what will I do?”

Page 23: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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Use ‘I’ messages – they work!

“Jack, I feel angry .. and I need you ..

State your expectation

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Top Tips to Take Care of You: Plan/Diary/Schedule

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Time out helps manage stress

Weekly/Monthly night out

Night away every 12 months

Join a class/club

Go to lunch, with a friend, & walk

While teen at activity; walk/run/read

Morning/Evening walk, run, gym with a friend

Page 26: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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Identify 1 change you can make: Happy Parent, Happy Teen

Take Home Tips:

You can’t take care of anyone; till you first take care of you

Self acceptance & self approval are key to change

Stay Separate

Hit the PAUSE button

Use ‘I’ messages

Page 27: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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One to One Parent Mentoring service available

Parenting Talks to Companies & Organisations

One Day Courses on Parenting Teens in Oct & Nov

“Fantastic course; just wish I’d done it sooner”

Book a Course: 6 evenings beginning Oct 4/5/6Glenageary, Foxrock; Leopardstown & Goatstown

Page 28: Parenting Teenagers 2010

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Thank you for your attention

www.practicalparenting.ie