parenting seminars for divorcing parents

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Parenting Seminars forDivorcing ParentsDr. Barry B. Frieman EdD a a , Howard M. Garon PhDb & Risa J. Garon MSW ba Early Childhood Education , Towson University ,USAb Children of Separation and Divorce Center , USAPublished online: 12 Oct 2008.

To cite this article: Dr. Barry B. Frieman EdD , Howard M. Garon PhD & Risa J.Garon MSW (2000) Parenting Seminars for Divorcing Parents, Journal of Divorce &Remarriage, 33:3-4, 129-143, DOI: 10.1300/J087v33n03_08

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Parenting Seminars for Divorcing Parents:One Year Later

Barry B. FriemanHoward M. Garon

Risa J. Garon

ABSTRACT. The Children of Separation and Divorce Center devel-oped a parenting seminar that presents a non-adversarial approach toseparation and divorce. The seminars focus one helping parents todevelop knowledge and skills which will in turn help their childrenadjust to divorce. Analysis of the results of the program one year laterindicate that parents are retaining pertinent child development anddivorce related information about their children. The parenting seminarsenabled parents to increase their understanding of the impact of divorce ontheir children, and to gain critical skills with which to help their childrencope with divorce. [Article copies available for a fee from The Haworth Docu-ment Delivery Service: 1-800-342-9678. E-mail address: <[email protected]> Website: <http://www.HaworthPress.com>]

KEYWORDS. Divorce, parenting seminars, adjustment to divorce,coping with divorce, children and divorce

INTRODUCTION

Divorcing parents need to understand the impact of divorce onchildren so that they can develop strategies to help their children cope.

Barry B. Frieman, EdD, is Professor of Early Childhood Education at TowsonUniversity and is a licensed clinical social worker. Howard M. Garon, PhD, is anindependent consultant to the Children of Separation and Divorce Center and wasresponsible for the data input and analysis tools used in this study. Risa J. Garon,MSW, is Executive Director and co-founder of the Children of Separation andDivorce Center and is a licensed clinical social worker.

Address correspondence to: Dr. Barry B. Frieman, Department of Early Child-hood Education, Towson University, 8000 York Road, Towson, MD 21252 (E-mail:bfrieman @towson.edu).

Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, Vol. 33(3/4) 2000E 2000 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved. 129

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http://www.HaworthPress.com

JOURNAL OF DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE130

Miller (1994) reports that of the more than one million divorces andseparations granted annually in the United States, about 60 percentinvolve children.

The powerful emotional effect that divorce has upon children hasbeen well documented (Heatherington, Stanley-Hagan and Anderson1989; Keith and Finlay 1988). As Heatherington (1980) points out,divorce should be viewed as a process involving a series of events andchanges in life circumstances. Parents need to understand what toexpect from their children over time, and learn how to help theirchildren cope.

Divorce impacts on all aspects of the child’s life, from his or herschool performance, to relationships with friends and family, and hopesfor the future (Bisnaire, Firestone, and Rynard, 1990; Cyr and Simard1988; Demo and Acock 1988; Kalter 1987; Keith and Finlay 1988;Wallerstein 1984, and Wallerstein 1985, Wallerstein and Lewis 1998).

A child’s adjustment to the divorce experience is directly related tohow his parents deal with the divorce. Parental hostility is one of thekey stressors that Kalter (1987) and Johnston and Girdner (1998)identified as contributing to the long-term problems of children ofdivorce. Other researchers have pointed out how parenting behaviorscan affect the child’s long-term adjustment to divorce (Amato andKeith 1991; Amato and Rezac 1994; Barenbaum 1993; Brown, Portes,and Christensen 1989; Emery 1982; Kelly 1988; Pett, Vaughan-Cole,and Wampold 1994; Wallerstein 1986).

There are many interventions reported in the literature that aredesigned to aid the children of divorce. Many of these programs havefocused on support groups for children, often accompanied by groupsfor parents or single parents (Arbuthnot and Gordon 1996, Bornstein,Bornstein, and Walters 1988; Loers and Prentice 1988; Schein 1986;Stolberg and Mahler 1989; and Wallerstein and Kelly 1980). Someintervention programs have been school based (Carlson 1987; Straussand McGann 1987). Other programs have used a seminar format tofacilitate the post-divorce adjustment of parents and children (Buehler,Betz, Ryan, Legg, and Trotter 1992; Kramer and Washo 1993).

THE COSD PARENTING SEMINARS

When parents argue in court about their divorce, their children’sneeds are frequently not the first consideration. In an effort to help

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Frieman, Garon, and Garon 131

divorcing parents and separating parents who are not married focus onthe needs of their children, the Children of Separation and Divorce(COSD) Center staff have developed a parenting seminar that presentsa non-adversarial approach to separation and divorce. Where an adver-sarial approach tends to focus on delineating parental weaknesses, theCOSD model instead emphasizes the construction of significant co-parenting skills and the importance of each parent being involved in anage-appropriate manner.

The seminars focus on helping parents develop knowledge andskills that will in turn help their children adjust to the divorce. Parentsare taught how to keep their children out of the middle of their dis-putes and thus allow their children to keep a strong relationship withboth parents. Emphasis is also given on ways in which divorcingparents can develop cooperative parenting relationships.

This parent education program consists of two sessions held forthree hours each, one week apart. Some parents attend voluntarilywhile others are court-ordered by judges. The seminar is conducted bya team of post-master’s mental health professionals, lawyers, divorcemediators, and representatives of various community agencies. Allhave extensive experience working with families in transition. Judges,attorneys, and mediators speak at the seminars to discuss the impor-tance of and the means to implement a non-adversarial, child-focusedapproach.

A panel of parents and children who are ‘‘graduates’’ of COSD alsoattend and share their real-life experiences, discussing the pain andcoping mechanisms they have learned. Parents who have participatedin the program can readily demonstrate that a constructive adjustmentto divorce can be achieved. By sharing their own mistakes, theseparents serve as models of constructive coping to the participatingparents. The participating parents can then ‘‘normalize’’ their ownconflicts, their own apprehensions, and their own experiences to thisgraduate group. The children on the panel, all of whom have previous-ly been in group and individual therapy, contribute their experiencesas well, subsequently challenging the participants of the parentingseminar to focus on the needs of their own children.

The seminars are conducted in a non-threatening, classroom settingby both male and female professionals. The program begins with adiscussion of feelings and losses both adults and children can experi-ence throughout the process of separation and divorce. Normal devel-

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opment of children from infancy to adulthood and the impact of di-vorce at each stage is then discussed. Parents are helped to see divorcefrom the child’s point of view. In addition parents are helped to under-stand how divorce will change the parent-child relationship.

Parents are instructed in pro-active measures to reduce the stress ofdivorce on their children. They are taught how to explain divorce tochildren in an age-appropriate manner. Both parents are taught how toassess the needs of their children and make appropriate parentingdecisions. Parents learn skills in communication, anger management,and conflict resolution that assist them in their relationship with theirchildren and with their children’s other parent.

Another focus of the seminar is to help divorcing parents developand maintain a cooperative and business-like relationship with eachother. Realistic, practical guidelines are provided to facilitate a work-ing relationship. Parents are helped to develop a written-individual-ized parenting plan which outlines the specific needs of their child andnotes how each of them will contribute to meeting those needs. Final-ly, the COSD Parenting Manual is given to parents so that they cantake home the material presented in the seminars.

EVALUATION OF THE SEMINARS

All parents attending the seminars were asked to fill in a ‘‘ParentAttitude Survey’’ both before the seminar started and immediatelyafter it was over. The survey (see Appendix A) asked parents for theirresponses to issues covered by the seminars (Frieman, Garon, andMandell, 1994).

Six-month and one-year follow-up surveys were subsequently sentto all participants. The follow-up surveys contained precisely the samequestions and in the same format as the pre- and post-tests. Eightadditional questions were added in order to directly assess (from theself-reporting perspective) the relationship between the parent semi-nars and the parents’ ability to mediate, to formulate child-focusedparenting agreements, and to help their school-age children maintainan academic focus.

By constructing aggregate clusters of survey questions for pre-,post-, six-month, and one-year, we developed an evaluative procedurethat could assess the long-term impact of the COSD seminars withrespect to a number of critical measures:

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1. Keeping the child out of the middle of their parents’ disputes;2. Parental skills in helping their children adjust to divorce;3. Parental knowledge about helping their children adjust to di-

vorce;4. Parents’ ability to build cooperative parenting relationships;5. Parent’s ability to cope with divorce;6. Techniques for dealing with spousal disputes;7. Techniques for reducing tensions between spouses;8. Ability to develop an out-of-court settlement;9. Means to achieve an out-of-court settlement;

10. Methods to achieve a parenting agreement;11. Techniques to enhance the child’s ability to adapt academically;12. Techniques to enhance the child’s ability to adapt socially;13. Parents’ ability to prepare for mediation.

RESULTS

Appendix C provides the results of a one-way Analysis of Means(ANOM) over an accumulated database with over 3000 participants.The 0.05 significance thresholds (alternatively the 0.95 confidenceintervals) are shown in these plots symmetric about the compositemean (ì) for each (pre-, post-, six-month, one-year) test group in turn.The impact of the COSD Parenting Seminars is clearly shown innearly all the measures. The statistically-significant difference be-tween pre- and post-test and its maintenance up to one year after theseminars are both positive and pronounced. Only the item measuring‘‘Parents’ ability to cope with divorce’’ was not statistically signifi-cant. This is in keeping with the limited overall scope of the seminarsand suggests that, at least with respect to transferring skills helpingeach parent to cope, ancillary and/or follow-up services includingmediation are required. While the parent seminars cannot be viewed asa panacea, it is interesting to note just how comprehensive a servicethe seminars perform. The central theme of the seminars is to redirectthe parents to focus on their children. Apparently that is preciselywhere the seminars perform the best.

A control group for the analysis was constructed employing a pre-cursor. The precursor control was obtained by randomly selecting (forself-reporting) from precisely the same population that would be at-tending the seminars but have not yet attended. Since the seminars

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were given over a period of a week, the precursor was timed to test atthe same interval prior to attendance.

PARENTAL VIEWS ONE YEAR LATER

Both parents agreed that they were successful in keeping their chil-dren out of the middle of their divorce and often resulting conflict.They agreed that children should be kept out of parents’ argumentsand felt that they had been able to keep their children out of parent-parent conflicts. This was achieved in part by agreeing not to saynegative things about ex-spouses in front of children, and by nottalking about financial matters with one’s ex-spouse in front of thechildren.

Parents seem to have learned how to separate their anger at theirex-spouse from their relationship with their children. In line with thisfactor was a recognition that their children needed to be with both oftheir parents.

Parents felt that they had the skills necessary to help their childrendeal with the divorce and that their skills in this area have increasedsince the time before they started the parenting seminars. They felt thatthey knew how to explain divorce to their children, and how to helpthem. They felt knowledgeable about how to help their child in anage-appropriate manner, and knowledgeable about how to make theirrelationship with their child a healthy one.

Gains in feeling knowledgeable about helping their children adjustto divorce were made by parents. They felt that they understood theimpact of divorce on their children, and they knew how their childcoped with divorce.

Both men and women felt that they have grown in building cooper-ative parenting relationships. Both reported that they knew how toestablish a business-like relationship with each other. They also ex-pressed the confidence that they could reach agreement on how to dealwith their children.

The results of the measure that focused on the parent’s ability tocope with divorce was not statistically significant. Little change seemsto have been made in how both men and women react to their ownexperience of being divorced. Statements concerning whether theyfeel better off being divorced than married to their ex-spouse, and

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whether they worry about their financial situation reflect the realitiesof the many problems being divorced presents to a person.

After one year, parents still felt that they were better equipped todeal with disputes with their ex-spouse. The communication skillstaught in the seminar seem to work in reality one year after they weretaught.

Participants reported that the seminars were helpful in reducing thetensions with their former spouse at the one year mark. Having devel-oped a better way of dealing with their children, parents seem to havereduced many of the tensions that often occur between divorced par-ents.

Parents report that the seminars were helpful in enabling them toachieve a settlement outside of court. They were both able to bring upthe matter with their attorneys and ultimately achieve a settlementwithout going to court.

The seminars were seen as helpful in preparing parents for medi-ation with lawyers or mediators on issues relating to their children.Parents saw the value of the Parenting Agreement developed in theseminars as a tool for mediation and a way to avoid litigation.

As a result of the knowledge and skills the parents learned at theseminars, they felt that they were able to help their children betteradapt academically and socially. The seminars stressed how to meetchildren’s needs in a developmentally appropriate manner.

One factor that needs further addressing and study is the fact thatparents’ conflicts remain over time. The skills taught at the seminar doreduce the tensions between the parents, which of course helps thechildren; however, results indicate that ongoing conflict and inabilityto resolve disputes remain problems. One cannot expect that six hoursof parent education seminars will bring about total change and resolu-tion of problems. This can be an indicator of the need for continuedongoing parent education.

CONCLUSIONS

The statistical significance of the results, pre-, post-, six-months,and one-year follow-up of the parents attending the parent educationseminars, demonstrates that parents are retaining pertinent child devel-opment and divorce-related information about their children.

Divorce has a major impact on children and their parents, and the

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negative aspects of divorce can be decreased by mental health inter-vention. The two-session parenting seminar enabled parents to in-crease their understanding of the impact of divorce on their children.The parents also gained critical skills with which to help their childrencope with the divorce. The knowledge and skills levels do not changeeven one year after the parenting seminars. By teaching parentingskills to divorcing parents, professionals can help the children in-volved experience a healthy divorce. Perhaps the most important gainfor parents attending the parent seminars is that they learn a nonadver-sarial, child-focused way of thinking. This in turn sets the stage foreach parent’s active involvement not only in mediation but in the lifeof their children as well.

REFERENCES

Amato, P.R., & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: Ameta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110, 26-46.

Amato, P.R., & Rezac, S.J. (1994). Contact with nonresident parents, interparentalconflict, and children’s behavior. Journal of Family Issues, 15, 191-207.

Arbuthnot, J., & Gordon, D.A. (1996). Does mandatory divorce education work? Asix-month outcome evaluation. Family and Conciliation Courts Review, 34,60-81.

Barenbaum, N.B. (1993, March). Parental Conflict and Children’s Divorce Adjust-ment: A Multimethod Approach. Paper presented at the meeting of the Southeast-ern Psychological Association, Atlanta, GA.

Bisnaire, L.M.C., Firestone, P., & Rynard, M.A. (1990). Factors associated withacademic achievement in children following parental separation. American Jour-nal of Orthopsychiatry, 60, 67-76.

Bornstein, M.T., Bornstein, P.H., & Walters, H.A. (1988). Children of divorce: Em-pirical evaluation of a group-treatment program. Journal of Clinical ChildPsychology, 17, 248-254.

Brown, J.H., Portes, P.R., & Christensen, D.N. (1989). Understanding divorce stresson children: Implications for research and practice. American Journal of FamilyTherapy, 17, 315-325.

Buehler, C., Betz, P., Ryan, C.M., Legg, B.H., & Trotter, B.B. (1992). Descriptionand evaluation of the Orientation for Divorcing Parents: Implications for postdi-vorce prevention programs. Family Relations, 41, 154-162.

Carlson, C.I. (1987). Helping students deal with divorce-related issues. Special Ser-vices in the Schools, 3, 121-138.

Children of Separation and Divorce Center. (1993). Parenting Manual. Columbia,Maryland: Author.

Cyr, F., & Simard, T. (1988). Immediate and long-term effects of parental separationon the children. Revue Quebecoise de Psychologie, 9, 10-26.

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Demo, D.H., & Acock, A.C. (1988). The impact of divorce on children. Journal ofMarriage and the Family, 50, 619-648.

Emery, R.E. (1982). Interparental conflict and the children of discord and divorce.Psychological Bulletin, 92, 310-330.

Frieman, B., Garon, R., & Mandell, B. (1994). Parenting seminars for divorcingparents. Social Work, 39, 607-610.

Hetherington, E.M. (1980). Divorce, a child’s perspective. Annual Progress in ChildPsychiatry and Child Development, 63, 277-291.

Heatherington, E.M., Stanley-Hagan, M., & Anderson, E.R. (1989). Marital transi-tions: A child’s perspective. American Psychologists, 44, 303-313.

Johnston, J.R., & Girdner, L.K. (1998). Early identification of parents at risk forcustody violations and prevention of child abductions. Family and ConciliationCourts Review, 36, 392-409.

Kalter, N. (1987). Long-term effects of divorce on children: A developmental vulner-ability model. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 57, 587-600.

Keith, V.M., & Finlay, B. (1988). The impact of parental divorce on children’seducational attainment, marital timing, and likelihood of divorce. Journal ofMarriage and the Family, 50, 797-809.

Kelly, J. (1988). Longer-term adjustment in children of divorce: Converging findingsand implications for practice. Journal of Family Psychology, 2, 119-140.

Kramer, L., & Washo, C.A. (1993). Evaluation of court-mandated prevention pro-gram for divorcing parents: The Children First program. Family Relations, 42,179-186.

Loers, D.L., & Prentice, D.G. (1988, August). Children of divorce: Group treatmentin a school setting. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the American Psy-chological Association, Atlanta, Georgia.

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Pett, M.A., Vaughan-Cole, B., & Wampold, B.E. (1994). Maternal employment andperceived stress: Their impact on children’s adjustment and mother-child interac-tion in young divorced and married families. Family Relations, 43, 151-158.

Schein, S. (1986). Establishing early childhood workshops on reducing children’svulnerability after divorce: A family educational program. Unpublished Ed.D.practicum, Nova University, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

Stolberg, A.L., & Mahler, J.L. (1989). Protecting children from the consequences ofdivorce: An empirically derived approach. Prevention in Human Services, 7,161-176.

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Strauss, J.B., & McGann, J. (1987). Building a network for children of divorce.Social Work in Education, 9, 95-105.

Wallerstein, J.S. (1984). Children of divorce: The psychological tasks of the child.Annual Progress in Child Psychiatry and Child Development, 70, 263-280.

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APPENDIX A

The Pre- and Post-Test Parent Attitude Survey

1. Kids should be kept out of parents’ arguments;2. I know how to explain divorce to my child;3. I know what facts to share and not to share with my child about prob-

lems related to the divorce;4. I understand the impact of divorce on children;5. Kids need to be with both of their parents;6. I know how to help my child;7. I understand the impact of divorce on adults;8. I know how children of different ages cope with divorce;9. I know how to help children of different ages cope with divorce;

10. I know how to separate my anger at my ex-spouse from my relationshipwith my children;

11. I know how to develop a business-like relationship with my ex-spouse;12. I know how to obtain child support;13. I know what changes to expect in my parent-child relationship as a result

of divorce;14. Children need help in coping with divorce;15. I know how to make my relationship with my children a healthy one;16. I will not talk about financial matters with my ex-spouse in front of the

children;17. I can keep my child out of parent-parent conflicts;18. I will not say negative things about my ex-spouse in front of my children;19. I will spend ten minutes alone each day with my child;20. During divorce one doesn’t have a lot of energy to deal with children;21. I’m afraid;22. I’m better off being divorced than being married to my spouse;23. I think my spouse and I will agree on how to deal with our children;24. I worry how the divorce will affect me financially;25. I feel ready to deal with the divorce.

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APPENDIX B

Additional One-Year Questions:

1. Were the parent seminars helpful in dealing with disputes with yourformer spouse?

2. Were the parent seminars helpful in reducing tensions with your formerspouse?

3. Were the parent seminars helpful in asking your attorney to help work outa settlement outside of court?

4. Did the parent seminars help you to achieve a settlement out of court?5. Were the parent seminars helpful to you and your former spouse in

helping to achieve a parenting arrangement?6. Has the parent seminar aided you in helping your child adapt academi-

cally at school?7. Has the parent seminar aided you in helping your child adapt socially?8. Were the parent seminars helpful in preparing you for mediation with

lawyers or mediators relating to your children?

APPENDIX C

40

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35PRE- POST- 6 MO 1 YRTEST TEST

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335325315305295285275265255

PRE- POST- 6 MO 1 YRTEST TEST

Analysis of Means: Helpful in dealingwith disputes with former spouse?

Analysis of Means: Helpful in reducingtensions with former spouse?

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APPENDIX C (continued)

34


335

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Analysis of Means: Helpful indeveloping an out-of-court settlement?

Analysis of Means: Helpful inachieving an out-of-court settlement?

33323130292827

365

331

296


Analysis of Means: Helpful inachieving a parenting arrangement?

373635343332313029

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334

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Analysis of Means: Helpful in childadapting academically at school?

3433

32

3130

29

28

27

345

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325

315

305

295

285

275

342

330


Analysis of Means: Helpful in childadapting socially?

31302928272625242322


Analysis of Means: Helpful inpreparing for mediation?

295

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APPENDIX C (continued)

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Analysis of Means: ‘‘Keeping the childout of the middle’’

Analysis of Means: Parental Skill inHelping Their Children Adjust to Divorce

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Analysis of Means: Parental Knowledge inHelping Their Children Adjust to Divorce

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Analysis of Means: BuildingCooperative Parenting Relationships

31

32 322

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Analysis of Means: Parent’s Ability toCope with Divorce

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parenting seminars for divorcing parents

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