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WHEN MY PRIMARY immunodefi-ciency disease (PIDD) kid was in thethird grade, he was faced with manyissues both medical and social. Mywife and I decided to sit down with theprincipal of his elementary school toexplain his disease and hope to settlesome of the social issues that weretroubling him. In a condescendingtone, she explained the educationalprinciples that guided her school, and then stated we should stop beinghelicopter parents. My response: Ifits my son youre talking about, Imgoing to be a helicopter parent.

Helicopter parent is a new term that has entered the lexicon of parentingin the past decade. These are overpro-tective parents who hover over theirchildren, watching their every moveand intervening when their children arefaced with the slightest provocation. Asparents of PIDD kids, the temptation tohover over our children is even greater.We dont know which bruise or scrapewill be the one to land our children inthe ER or on long-term antibiotics.But, how much of a service are wedoing to our children with continualhovering over every part of their lives?

The Problem withOverprotective ParentsBeing protective is good, but too

much of a good thing always turns outto be bad. There are a lot of negative

influences and situations that childrenface today. Its natural for parents to beconcerned about their safety, butsometimes they go overboard andcocoon their children in fear, statesMarila Fernandes, a licensed schoolpsychologist. [Parents] have to under-stand that they will not always bethere to protect their children, andsoon they will be adults who will haveto fend for themselves. Its better ifthey teach their children how to copewith difficult situations and deal withproblems positively rather than shield-ing them from reality.It is a complex task to maintain a

balance between being too protectiveand not affecting childrens independ-ence. And, many child psychologistshave opinions about this. According toclinical psychologist Anita Karambalkar,We need to teach [kids] self-confi-dence and moral values, and let themlive their lives. When parents say yes toeverything their children want, whenthe children face the real world andget their first no, it can shatter theyoung adults confidence. DieterWolke, PhD, of the University ofWarwick adds: I compare it to theparent who does all their childs home-work. You wouldnt be surprised if thechild then couldnt pass an exam.Overprotective parents who performtasks for their children because theyhate seeing their children struggle are

sending a message to their childrenthat they are not capable of doing anadequate job or that they dont trusttheir children to make the right choices.Why are some parents overprotec-

tive? Dr. Robyn Silverman, a childdevelopment specialist, considers anumber of reasons. In some cases,parents perceive that when they dosomething for their child, it comes outbetter. Other parents feel a need forcontrol in a world that is unpredictableand scary. Some parents have a fear offailure and hate to see their childrenstruggle. Some parents fear that theirchildren will succeed and no longerneed them as much as they did at onetime. Still others feel entitled to checkin with their children at any giventime. Many are living their lives vic-ariously through their sons anddaughters who are doing things thatthe parents might not have beenable to do when they were younger.Pediatrician Ramon Resa agrees. He

says that when children cannot exploretheir worlds because their overprotec-tive parents are hovering over them,they become prisoners in their ownhomes. If their mom or dad is continu-ally right there next to them, childreninvariably look to their parents to givethem answers instead of figuringthings out for themselves and learningto handle situations on their own.Also, when parents do too much

PIDD and the Helicopter ParentIts difficult not to be overprotective of kids with chronic illness, but as manychild health specialists advise, its better to let them learn how to handle theirown issues and, at some point, to let go of the reins altogether.

By Mark T. Haggard

Parenting:

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protecting in an effort to make theirchildrens lives stress-free, it often hasthe opposite effect; instead, manychildren become depressed and sufferanxiety disorders.

The Problem with BulliesSeveral issues ago, my parenting

column focused on bullies. Surprise!There are sociopaths on middle schoolcampuses across the United States andthe world. These power-seekingagents tend to pick on those who areweaker or have less cachet in the schoolcommunity. Unfortunately, in manycases, it is our PIDD kids who are onthe outside looking in. Our childrenhave had numerous illnesses thatcause them to miss school and make itmore difficult to socialize. Manybecome targets of middle schoolsociopaths. Unfortunately, the childrenof overprotective helicopter parentsare not afforded the tools to handlebullying. A mom or dad might bring itto the attention of a school adminis-trator and walk their kids to class, butthere will come a time when an admin-istrator or a parent cannot be there.In a study on child abuse and neg-

lect (published in the April 2013issue of Child Abuse & Neglect: TheInternational Journal), researchersinvestigated the association betweenparenting behavior and peer victim-ization between 1970 through 2012.Overprotection was categorized asa negative parenting behavior.Conversely, authoritative parenting,parent-child communication, parentalinvolvement, support, supervision, andwarmth and affection were classifiedas positive parenting behaviors. Whatthey found was that the incidencesof bullying were 26 percent morecommon for children of overprotec-

tive parents. The authors further notedthat victims of bullying are at high riskof developing a host of physical andmental health problems such asanxiety and depression, borderlinepsychiatric symptoms and increasedrisk of self-harm, suicidal ideation,and even suicide itself.

Wolke, who was one of the studysauthors, noted that the results shouldserve as a reminder that advising par-ents that being supportive andinvolved though not overly involved lowers the odds their children willbe a victim of bullying. Be clear thatoverprotection increases this risk.Children need support, but parentsshould not try to buffer their childrenfrom all negative experiences. Headded that parents ought to allowchildren to have some conflicts withpeers to learn how to solve themrather than intervene at the smallestargument.

When to Stop HoveringObviously, we are not going to leave

our 5-year-old at the mercy of schoolsociopaths. My son had surgery in thethird grade to remove precancerouslesions from his scalp. Unfortunately,the stitches began coming out beforethe incision was healed. His painbecame the target of jokes by his class-mates. When his teacher refused toact, we confronted the teacher and theprincipal, and eventually pulled himfrom that school.

However, we should not keep thereins as tight as our children get older.According to Fernandes, it dependson the age of the child, but if you arein sync with children, you will be sur-prised by how well they will guide youto help them become confident,achieving adults. At some point, we

must let the reins go altogether.When parents hover over their

children and do everything for them,they are preventing them frommaturing. One of the most importantjobs we have is to prepare ourchildren to be independent andproductive adults. For parents of chil-dren with PIDD, that includes prepar-ing them to plan and follow throughwith their infusions for a time whenwe are not there. Today, as a highschool freshman, my son is free tosucceed or fail on his own; I promiseto pick him up if the result is bad. Asfor his infusions, I am making it moreand more his responsibility. He willbe changing over to subcutaneousinfusions soon, and he will be incharge of preparing his injectionsand placing his own line. I will notalways be around for him. The bestthat I can do is prepare him for along, healthy and independent life.

MARK T. HAGGARD is a high schoolteacher and football coach, and has threechildren, two of whom have CVID. Heand his wife, Cheryl, also operate Underthe Hood Ministries at www.underthehoodministries.org.

Helicopter parent is a new term thathas entered the lexicon of parenting

in the past decade.

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