Parenting in an age of anxiety

Parenting in an age of anxiety Carolyn Russell Lakeshore Church of Christ 11th June 2014 Tonights program Think about questions commonly discussed around this issue

To consider where these questions come from

To look at ways of guarding our hearts against too much anxiety..

So that we can parent well !

Questions about certainty.many more questions about routine matters from parents, all asked with urgency. I'm not just asked, for example, whether toy guns are okay. I hear, "What do I do if my son points his index finger at me and says, 'Bang, bang'? And by the way, can I ask my best friend to put away the toy guns when my son visits? If we do this, then. Automatically we will have better behaved kids

Not have trouble

Get them through to..

Be different from .

We are certain to. Questions about outcomes If I allow this.. Then what? .

If you do not .. Then What? .

If you dont obey me..

If I am not vigilant, then

Anxiety/Fear leads to thoughts and behaviours questioning a little physiology

Anxiety both Good and not so good !

Good to protect, not so good if over protective or avoidant

Good to get out of danger, not so good if there is none. What do YOU worry about? Childcare Should I let my kid do .. ? What if they watch too much TV/internet? What if that person turns out to be a poor friend/they argue? What if they dont get into the right group? The right class? The best job?What if they miss the bus? What if the situation is not fixed Right NOW! What if they fall out of that tree? What if I do not have enough for that pair of brand name boots?! Significant Global issues. Terrorism Driving /plane accidents Alcohol and Drug use Child molestation Internet predators Health issues Body image Mental Health issues Sad Facts much of life is like that. But NOT ALL, and in fact, searching for the other parts of life is protective from the effects of these parts of life.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear Helen Keller

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. Mark Twain All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. Ralph Waldo Emerson

The most useful tool for parents in this age is to teach children FROM the lessons, in spite of the situation, rather than protect them from lessons. Story of isobel being frightened to speak about AIDS, etc. And not to ask questions.. 13Tonights program Think about questions commonly discussed around this issue

To consider where these questions come from

To look at ways of guarding our hearts against too much anxiety.. Age of Anxiety We live in an age where people ask these questions, and use the

WHAT IF ????? Constantly

Surrounded by IT, movies, TV, where the norm is chaos or terror, or people hurting each other or selling to those who believe that the next best thing will ease all those burdens

AGE of Anxiety Advertisers push the What IF?

Can you think of some situations/advertisements?

HOWEVER Society safer and healthier Worrying about global events is totally justified, but parents don't have to worry about every aspect of their children's lives. By most measures, kids are healthier and safer than they have ever been. Statistics show that, for instance, child abductions by strangers and school violence are down. Recent policies requiring childproof medicine caps,car seats, and bicycle helmets have reduced accident-related fatalities. Yet parents worry more and feel less capable of making everyday decisions when it comes to their kids, and that is unnecessary. Andregg 2013 Why is it so? What drives toward anxiety, and fear of others, or fear of the future? And then to behaviours to try to limit difficulties for our kids?

Compassion and Love Pressure Expectations Learned behaviours/effects of past burdens in our families/society

Poor thinking can arise from very positive motives! Overvaluing certain issues Incorrect information sharing High expectations though unrealistic Over involvement for our own needs Protection of the vulnerable.

Common pressure elements in an Age of Anxiety Comparisons Not enough competition (smaller families!) Parental perfectionism or a perceived failure to atone for Performance standards of workplaces and schools Poor understanding and poor communication about individual issues Body image issues Pressure of time/status Adequate finances to MANAGE outcomes Conspicuous acheivement paradigm Entitled to

Understanding development Erickson : stages

Parenting skills to be tailored for the age of our children. Parenting anxiety starts Very Early

My baby is sleeping too much. Should I wake her? Oh no, she hasnt slept enough and I woke her. I shouldnt have woken her, Ive ruined the day. How am I going to fix this? I cant fix it. I have no idea. Im a bad mother. She has no routine. I need to put her into a routine. But its too late! How will I do this? I should have done it earlier!And so on. Endlessly. Hourly. Daily. It got to the point where I didnt feel like a caring mother unless I was worrying about something.

What if..? Common phenomenon Increased in those with family history of Anxiety issues orIf you are experiencing Anxiety or Depressed mood at present. Worse if catastrophe has been experienced recently Often irrational thinking and yet, cannot stop yourself

Exercise: share with your neighbour a story of What if. Thinking.

Parenting anxiety continues

VERY RARE?

Fear and Anxiety in teen years challenges us greatly! We lose sight of the outcome we are wanting, or what is possible for this stage.

Consider the picture that you have for YOUR children You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. Helen Keller Getting our imagination in focus Develop clearer understanding of how anxiety develops in us Get more appropriate information/learn Take care with expectations/assumptions : be realistic Get support and develop friendships who share and help Think realisitically about the world and the future Use your time with children to give them skills, rather than attempting to protect them at all time

Then put this into practice, with what we see! Common pressure elements Unproductiveparentingpatterns may develop when childrens failures (real, perceived or anticipated) fuel parents anxiety and discomfort.Two general patterns may develop: 1) overprotectiveness laced with criticism driven by disappointment and anxiety, and 2) overindulgence and failure to set limits driven by disappointment and guilt

The results.. Kids become more self-conscious and irony. They put up walls to ward off parental anxiety. They tell themselves, and me, that their parents are too worried; as a result, they may keep whole chunks of their lives from their parents. Andregg 2013 Tonights program Think about questions commonly discussed around this issue

To consider where these questions come from

To look at ways of guarding our hearts against too much anxiety.. What to do. Encouraging kids to think and advocate for themselves, make choices, and experience natural, age-appropriate consequences of their decisions fosters development of responsibility, initiative and competence. Alternatively, when parents dont trust that positive behaviors will continue unless they take action to secure them, they tamper with and potentially commandeer childrens developing autonomy, weakening momentum and inviting control struggles. Lynn Margolies. PhD Harvard Tips for Parents:Notice similarities and differences between you and your child and adjust expectations.Keep your vision of your child flexible.Recognize when you are reactive and settle yourself.Recognize that feelings are not facts.Hold onto faith in your child.Dont impose anxiety, worry and pressure.Limit lessons and focus on stabilizing the emotional climate.Allow space when children are upset.Lower the stakes. Develop and offer perspective.Be present to NOW. Dont ruminate and envision catastrophe.Consider outside coaches and tutors

Reassure yourself that you dont have to be perfect for children to turn out OK, and neither do they.Remind yourself that letting children make some of their own decisions (within age-appropriate limits) while helping them think through the consequences will help them develop skills to succeed when they are on their own

A.C. Ie. (LIFE AFTER kids! ) If you don't have a life outside your kids or if you go into high melodrama every time your child reports a minor problem, like an argument with a classmate, you're probably overparenting. Parents need to go to the movies, have a love life, and pursue their own interests. As a 13-year-old patient of mine once said to me, "I wish my parents had some hobby other than me." Now and then, it's even good for a parent to be too busy to look over a homework assignment.They Grow up and have their own families. Then they understand!

Contagion of Parents FearsParents anxiety about their children not doing well unconsciously communicates to children a lack of faith that they will be okay. Also, when parents are anxious and frustrated, children become more overwhelmed and unable to use higher mind (executive) functions. In the process, parents miss the opportunity to help children develop resilience. Resilience includes the capacity to manage frustration, hold themselves up, persevere and recover in the face of disappointment. Children develop and download these capacities from parents through cumulative experiences in which we lend them our capacities by maintaining calm, equilibrium and perspective when they are upset.

It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui.

Meet Henny Penny Frame the problem in a more useful way What can you do, What can you control What is in the environment that you cannot control, but can be more aware of.. It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui. Mark Twain