parenting guide for children with developmental needs · for children with developmental needs that...
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting Guide for Children with Developmental Needs
Published by: Compass Life
Authors: Mohamed Faizal Bin Ahmad, Tan Chiew Lang & Veronica Eng
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Parenting Guide for Children with Developmental Needs
Contents 1 Introduction ........................................................................................................................................ 2
2 What are Developmental Needs?....................................................................................................... 2
3 Common Types of Developmental Needs .......................................................................................... 3
4 Promoting Societal Acceptance and Tolerance ................................................................................. 4
5 Common Challenges and How to Overcome Them ........................................................................... 5
6 Relevant Parenting Skills .................................................................................................................. 11
7 Self-Care and Stress Management .................................................................................................. 19
8 Strategies to Keep Your Marriage Strong ........................................................................................ 21
9 References ....................................................................................................................................... 24
10 Useful Links ...................................................................................................................................... 25
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1 Introduction
Parenting can both be rewarding and challenging. Parents of children with developmental needs may find it difficult to handle them, but it can be managed if parents are aware and understand their needs.
This guide is developed to support parents of children with developmental needs. It aims to empower them with information to manage their marriage and parenting journeys better.
In developing this guide, besides empowering parents of children with developmental needs, it also aims to improve the public’s understanding and knowledge of children with developmental needs and thus, to promote a more inclusive society.
2 What are Developmental Needs?
Developmental needs occur when children face difficulties with regards to:
• developmental, • learning, • behavioural, and • physical movement.
While some developmental needs may be present from birth, others are developed after birth or caused by injury or illness. Some examples of developmental needs that are present and easily noticeable from birth are Down’s Syndrome and Cerebral Palsy. There are developmental needs that are present from birth but yet only become noticeable whilst they are growing up. They are Autism Spectrum Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and other types of behavioural/emotional disorders and sensory impairments. For this group of children, the difficulties surface and become noticeable when they are in preschool age and perform more complex tasks. For children with developmental needs that are caused by injury or illness, the impact may restrict their physical movement, mental, behavioural and functional capacity. In a nutshell, children with developmental needs refer to children who do not develop as expected for their age and may experience some form of loss or abnormality in bodily function. Hence, these difficulties will affect their ability to learn, behave and socialise. Therefore, early identification, intervention and support by parents, health and education professionals in administering the appropriate treatment will help these children overcome their difficulties.
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Certain treatments could improve the social, physical, speech and language, daily living and motor skills of a child with developmental needs. Possible treatments include:
• different forms of related therapy (I.e. behavioral, cognitive, physical, occupational, speech, educational etc.)
• counselling or • medication.
A child may also face multiple difficulties, which means having two or more difficulties present in a child.
3 Common Types of Developmental Needs The common types of developmental needs are divided into four categories. While the list is non-exhaustive, it provides an overview of the common needs in existence.
3.1 Physical Epilepsy Muscular Dystrophy Multiple Sclerosis
3.2 Developmental Autism Spectrum Disorder Cerebral Palsy Down Syndrome Dyslexia Generalised Neurodevelopmental Disorder Tourette Syndrome Speech and language delays The Intellectual Disorder
3.3 Behavioural/Emotional Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Attention Deficit Disorder Conduct Disorder Oppositional Defiance Disorder
3.4 Sensory Impaired Blindness Different degree of visual impairment Deafness Different degree of hearing impairment
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4 Promoting Societal Acceptance and Tolerance To promote inclusiveness , below are ways support can be extended to the children and their families: 4.1 Do’s and Don’ts when encountering a child with developmental needs.
Do’s
• Smile; • Respect and treat them like any other child; • Talk gently and keep sentences short; • Ask if they need help before helping; • Speak to them directly, givingfull attention; • Speak in front of them at their eye level, especially if they are on wheelchair since
it may not be easy for them to turn; • Be patient and wait for them to respond; • Understand and empathise any of their physical challenges; • Give descriptive praise; • If you do not understand what they say, ask them to rephrase or repeat. Do wait
for their response and seek futher clarification, if need be; • For those with vision or hearing difficulties, tap their shoulder gently to let them
know you are talking to them and introduce yourself. • For those with hearing difficulties, let them see the movement of your mouth
when you talk. Do talk slowly.
Don’ts
• Call them names; • Help without asking them first if they needed help; • Laugh, ignore or stare; • Lose your cool or shout when the child seems angry; • Distract or pet the guide dogs that belong to those with visual difficulties; • Talk too fast; • Play with the wheelchair or any other assistive device that belong to the children
with developmental needs; • Use terms like ‘here’ or ‘there’ for those with visual difficulties. Instead to use
terms such as, ”to the left”, “to the right”, “in front” or “behind”, which are more descriptive;
• Rush or speak for them if they are slow to respond; • Endanger them in unsafe places or with unsafe items. This is especially if they
have difficulty moving or prone to lose physical control; • Bully or take advantage of the child; • Expose them to bright, loud or crowded places or
stare into their eyes directly (applicable to autistic children).
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4.2 Do’s and Don’ts when encountering a family with a child with developmental needs
Do’s
• Be patient and try to understand the family’s difficulties; • Be less judgemental and more tolerant towards the family, especially if the child
exhibits difficult behaviour;. • Acknowledge the parents’ concerns and affirm their efforts.
Don’ts
• Confront the parents and blame the child’s condition on poor parenting; • Use hurtful words; • Shun or move away quickly; • Show a disapproving look at the child and shake your head; • Help the parents without asking them if they needed help; • Show undue outward sympathy or words of sympathy, towards the parents.
5 Common Challenges and How to Overcome Them
5.1 Child’s Challenges and Ways to Overcome Them
Common challenges faced by children with developmental needs:
• Feeling excluded, judged and ostracised by the society/peers; • Easy target of bullies; • Community misconception and stigmas of their difficulties; • Coping and managing their own difficulties.
How parents can help their child overcome these challenges:
• Practise positive parenting skills to equip and nurture their child to be independent and resilient while at the same time, foster parent-child relationship to build a strong family unit.
• Approach the teacher if the child is bullied in school. • Approach the teacher to discuss concerns with regards to the child’s difficulties. • To enrol the child in the appropriate intervention and treatment services
available. Do follow-up closely with the respective agencies.
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5.2 Parents’ Challenges and Ways to Overcome Them
5.2.1 Financial Most children with developmental needs require time and special effort for rehabilitation, therapy and/or medication. This usually results in incurring extra expenses that can take a toll on the family. This is more so if there is only one full-time caregiver. Parents may access the following useful links to seek financial assistance: 1) MSF :
https://app.msf.gov.sg/ComCare NCSS : https://www.ncss.gov.sg/NCSS/media/NCSS-Documents-and-Forms/NCSS%20Internal%20Documents/AssistanceSchemes_1.pdf
2) Online Caregivers’ Resources : http://www.healthnetcafe.com/directory/ss-financial_assistance.html
3) SG Enable : https://www.sgenable.sg/pages/content.aspx?path=/useful-links/other-financial-resources
Alternatively, parents may approach the nearest family service centre/social service centre for financial assistance.
5.2.2 Support Raising children with developmental needs can be challenging. Parents may feel that they lack support and feel disheartened, lonely and frustrated. Many times, they may not know what to do, how to get the needed information and where to seek relevant help.
Below are some suggested sources for help and support:
Resources Level of support Ministry of Social And Family website1 Information on roadmap for supporting children
with developmental needs Ministry of Education website2 Information on educational pathways School teacher / allied educator / counsellor
Help and support on adjustments for child in school
Extended family Encouragement and emotional / social support for the family
Parent Support Groups3
Emotional and social support from other parents of children with developmental needs
Community agencies4 Provides programs for parents and children with developmental needs
Special education schools5 Customised educational programmes so the children integrate well into society
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5.2.3 Parent/Child Relationship with School
Parents and teachers in school need to maintain open communication channels as it may be challenging for both.
Parents need to strike a balance between independence and over-protecting a child. It is recommended that parents teach and play based on a child’s strengths and treating him or her as per any other child. This provides the child every opportunity to develop his skills, talents, abilities and independence to adapt to the school’s environment. To foster a healthy parent-school relationship, parents need to ensure that school has the resources to support the child’s developmental needs. Parents may approach the school and discuss how best it can help and provide the support needed for the child’s overall development throughout the school years in its particular setting. 5.2.4 Emotions Parents may experience mixed emotions upon learning the difficulties in their child’s development. This includes anger, denial, disbelief, disappointment, rejection, powerlessness, isolation, confusion, guilt and grief. This turmoil may lead to depression or even suicide if the circumstances are not addressed early.
Stages of Adjustment:
The emotions parents go through can be divided into 4 stages, i.e. shock, denial, anger/ depression and adjustment / acceptance. 1. Shock
a. A state of numbness lasting from a few hours to several days; b. ‘I can’t believe this’, or ‘Something is wrong with the diagnosis’; c. Crying; d. Laughing inappropriately; e. Dejection.
2. Denial
a. ‘This cannot be happening to me’; b. Avoidance or refusal to accept reality, lasting from three weeks to two
months; c. Searching for alternative diagnosis in hopes of changing the reality; d. Delaying the proper treatment or rehabilitation because of (a) and (b).
3. Anger / Depression
a. Feeling angry, which may be directed at themselves or the health professional who made the diagnosis;
b. Feeling guilty, thinking that they are being punished for past mistakes; c. Feeling withdrawn; d. Feeling depressed.
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(Parents may access to this useful link: http://www.headington-institute.org/files/test_how-stressed-are-you_edited_00549.pdf for a self-test on burnout).
4. Adjustment / Acceptance a. Accepted reality; b. Ready to support their child regardless of his/her condition;
Note:
- The above stages are not unusual and to be expected, but may not flow in that
order. Some parents may progress through at different paces and or even skip certain stages altogether.
- Some parents may not resolve any one of the stages and thus unable to accept
the situation. They may then sink into depression unknowingly.
- The emotional intensity of parents varies, depending on the types of the child’s developmental needs, its severity, the child’s age, cultural views, etc.
Parents need to understand the stages so that they are better able to cope and attend to their child’s needs effectively. Tips for parents to manage emotions: 1. Show and share your emotion
Parents, especially dads, need to open up and be comfortable to show and share their feelings in order to be emotionally balanced and healthy. For a start, they may share their emotions, such as sadness and pain, with their close family members. Keeping feelings to oneself has the following disadvantages:
• Keeping emotions bottled up will affect one’s mental and physical health; • Supressing emotions will affect relationships and hamper getting social
support in times of need; • Supressing emotions lead to poor emotional regulation skills (e.g. not
knowing how to effectively manage and respond to an emotional experience )
2. Talk to your spouse
Couples need to talk to their spouses to get their support. They need to gather their collective strengths and adjust to new parenting approaches, roles, each other’s feelings and what to do together next. Single parents may wish to talk to a friend or relative close to them. If the emotion is still not resolved, professional counselling is recommended.
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Besides going to the nearby family service centres/social service centres, parents of children with developmental needs may access the following useful links/resources on page 25 for more information.
Attend Support Groups
Parents can talk to friends or attend support groups to gain strength in order to better manage their inner emotion. Support groups provide the following:
• A good insight and information on developmental needs; • Help lessen the parents’ sense of isolation; • A good platform to get emotional and practical support, and to share
common concerns.
3. Access information and services Parents can also gather information from books, magazines, journals, websites, organisations that devote to developmental needs, support group sharing and consultation with different professionals. Such information allows parents to:
• Be more informed and effective; • Dispel their fear of the unknowns; • Manage their emotions in a healthy manner; • Source for services and programs for their child; • Chart their own direction and goals; • Feel secure and confident; • Implement action plans to build a strong family;
Parents are advised to check their sources to ensure that they are reputable and trustworthy, particularly those that are said to specialise in children with developmental needs.
4. Seek and accept help Parents are encouraged to look for and accept help when the emotion gets strong, such as being too tired and angry. Accepting help when needed gives parents a better edge in the following ways :
• Accepting emotions helps to give clearer picture of the underlying issue(s); • Emotion is a way that signifies whether parents may be getting stressed out
and in need of help; • Turning to others is not a sign of weakness but rather one of strength; • Help from others helps to create better and lasting solutions; • Parents become better parents and partners when they are able to
effectively resolve their difficulties. Parents should seek professional help if they feel depressed for more than 2 weeks.
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5. Take care of yourself It is crucial for parents to maintain sufficient self-care. It is to keep their emotion in check and remain upbeat to face any future challenges. Consequently, it will help to build a strong and resilient family. Suggestions on self-care include:
• Getting sufficient rest; • Eating well; • Taking time off for oneself; • Reaching out to others for support
6. Learn to manage anger/emotion
Parents can adopt anger management tools6 to help alleviate negative aspects of their anger. Dealing with emotions such as anger and bitterness, positively helps prevent doing things which they may regret later.
7. Learn to manage stress Parents are encouraged to de-stress and focus on the positive, diminish the negatives and enjoy living. Appropriate stress management strategies help parents feel more positive and better manage stress. Parents may access to some of the useful links to empower themselves on some of the common stress strategies7.
8. Stay positive and love your child Accept and love your child unconditionally.
• The child should always come before the developmental needs; • Developmental needs do not define a child; • Each child’s path is different. Hence do not compare with others; • Each child is unique, with their own individual strengths and challenges.
Hence, the child should be allowed to develop at his or her own pace. • Focus enough to get through each day and take things one step at a time; • Set time to play, laugh and be silly with their children; • Stay positive and be happy.
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9. Do not get emotionally affected by negative reactions Parents are advised not to get emotionally affected by outsiders’ negative reactions as such reactions could possibly be due to their lack of understanding of developmental needs.
6 Relevant Parenting Skills The following are some skills that parents can practise to promote healthy development for their children with developmental needs. These skills focus on positive procedures and strengths of the children. 6.1 Setting of home environment
Tips for parents:
• Find out what are the things that pose unique concern or danger to your child. For example,
- for children with ADHD, schoolbags, clothing, and toys are to be in the same place every day so that the children would not misplace them easily.
- for children with autism, patterned wallpaper at home may startle them. Instead, paint the walls with a light, neutral and pleasing colour, and use comfortable lighting at home
Do note that your child’s needs and concerns will change over time. Hence the home environment needs to be tweaked accordingly.
The following are tips for physical safety:
o Use carpets for cushioning against knocks and bruises; o Ensure that children are not left alone in a place, e.g. kitchen which can be
dangerous; o Ensure that bathtubs are drained properly to prevent drowning; o Install auto shut-off switches; o Provide chairs with arms so children don’t fall off; o Use safety gates at staircase areas; o Install outward opening doors so epileptic kids will not be trapped inside (e.g.
toilet.); o Use plastic utensils with grips for easier handling; o Keep the house uncluttered for easy accessibility.
To encourage a safe and predictable home environment, routines should be in place for organised activities. Parents are encouraged to use planners, timetables, to do lists, e-reminders or colour-coding systems for organisation.
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6.2 Positive Parenting Skills
Positive Parenting is a strength-based approach that helps develop skills of the children while making them feel good about themselves. It is used to manage a child’s difficult behaviour, teach him or her new skills and strengthen family relationship.
6.2.1 Manage the child’s difficult behaviour
Parents are advised to identify the triggers (i.e. the feelings and thoughts) to a child’s difficult behaviour. Sometimes the trigger may be specific to that developmental need, while other times, there could be some other underlying reasons. After understanding the triggers, parents are then able to administer positive or negative consequences to encourage or discourage certain behaviours.
6.2.1.1 Identify the triggers
Parents can have a better understanding of their children’s behaviour by measuring them. They can use a simple log to note the day and frequency of the misbehaviour. These can then be charted and used as a baseline to monitor future progress. Parents can also log in the triggers whenever misbehaviour occurs; these will help to give a clearer picture relating to the exhibited behaviour. Parents would then be able to come up with the appropriate measures to work on their children’s displayed behaviours.
6.2.1.2 Use consequences to build the child’s strength Negative consequence or no consequence (planned ignoring) is recommended to discourage difficult behaviour from occurring. Negative consequence comprises taking away privileges or time-out/quiet time. They are to be applied assertively and consistently, giving instructions in a calm manner and setting of home ground rules. A positive consequence for desirable behaviour can be the following:
• a labelled praise; • access to favourite activity; • favourite treats; • small rewards, etc.
These positive consequences will encourage the child in repeating the desirable behaviour as they are being motivated through the rewards given. Please refer to Signposts website8 for more information on using consequences.
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6.2.1.3 Encourage and select an alternative behaviour Parents can consider selecting an alternative behaviour to replace an undesirable one. It is easier than focusing to stop the undesirable behaviour. The method for the above is as below:
1. Determine the trigger for the difficult behaviour E.g. David throws tantrum as he cannot solve puzzles (the trigger is his inability to solve the puzzle)
2. Teach an acceptable alternative behaviour as replacement “David, when you need help, call for me.” Or “David, when you need help, come and take me by the hand.” Note: In this case, the acceptable alternative behaviour is asking for help.
3. Give a positive consequence (eg a praise) when he uses the new alternative behaviour, i.e. asking for help.
In future, when David encounters difficulty again (the trigger), he will use the new behaviour (i.e. asking for help) instead of throwing tantrums.
Take note that parents need to be affectionate, give attention and speak nicely to the child
at all times.
6.2.1.4 Planned Ignoring for the difficult behaviour Parents can ignore difficult behaviour to prevent it from happening. The principle behind this is not to give attention when a difficult behaviour occurs. The child will stop repeating it when he realises he will not get the parents’ attention this way. Some tips to note:
• The behaviour may get worse before it gets better (e.g. more whining to get a chocolate).
• This method is more suitable for a minor difficult behavior. • If the behaviour is dangerous, do not use this. Use the negative consequences
method instead.
6.2.1.5 Planned Activities Routines Parents can use this as a strategy to prevent a high-risk situation, especially when the child is likely to repeat the difficult behaviour. It makes parenting more manageable, less stressful and allow children to feel safer and thus will respond better.
In this method, parents will do the following:
• Plan ahead to prepare for undesirable behaviour or unforeseen obstacles; • Choose activities that minimise the trigger for undesirable behaviour;
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• Discuss with the child beforehand what to do in the activity; • Discuss rules with the child. Rules must be fair and easy to follow; • Discuss on positive reinforcers (rewards) for good behaviour; • Discuss on consequences for an undesirable behaviour; • Allow planned breaks.
6.2.2 Develop new skills for the children Children with developmental needs have to acquire some essential skills in order to take care of themselves, live and work in the community independently. The essential skills are as follow:
• Motor Skills; • Self-help Skills; • Communication Skills; • Independence Skills; • Resilience Skills.
We recommend parents provide a positive consequence to recognise the child’s effort and motivate him or her to repeat the above essential skills. The positive consequence can be a labelled praise or any kind of rewards.
6.2.2.1 Motor Skills Most children with developmental needs tend to have problems with their gross and fine motor skills. They need both skills to carry out their daily activities. A deficit in gross motor skills would result in the child having difficulty in balancing, having appropriate body strength and coordination. A deficit in fine motor skills would result in the child having difficulty in writing, holding small objects and fastening clothes with zips and buttons etc. For gross motor skills, it is about the use of the larger muscles of the body while fine motor skills is the coordination of small muscle movements in the fingers and hands. Parents can use items found inside the house to develop and enhance a child’s motor skills. Parents can also approach occupational therapist from non-profit organisations/agencies9 or KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital for help. Occupational therapy has long proven to develop and improve any weakness of a child’s motor skills considerably. 6.2.2.2 Self-help Skills Parents can help the child develop self-help skills so they can eat, dress, go toilet and maintain self-hygiene as follows: 1) Understand the child’s current skills level in order to plan what that can be taught, that is within his capability and ability.
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2) Teach the child by showing. Do note that the skills for the child to copy cannot be too complex and too difficult. 3) Teach the child step-by-step by breaking into small parts. E.g.: to teach the child how to get a drink of milk from the refrigerator:
Step 1: Get the glass from the tray Step 2: Open the fridge and take the milk bottle Step 3: Remove the lid and pour into glass Step 4: Put back lid and return it back to fridge
Parents need to be patient and may have to teach a few times before the child is able to complete the task. 6.2.2.3 Communication Skills Parents are able to help their children on communication skills as children with developmental needs often face difficulties in communicating with others. These skills include initiating and responding to conversations readily. If the child is unable to speak, communication still can take place through gestures or sign language. The child needs to be confident and comfortable to convey feelings, emotions and needs. Tips to help the child develop communication skills:
1) Create opportunities and motivate the child to talk and respond; 2) Teach keywords. Simple ones. Can try sing along to learn some keywords; 3) Teach non-verbal gestures; 4) Acknowledge the child’s feelings; 5) Do not ask too many questions in a conversation; 6) Give prompts and be patient; 7) Talk slowly and wait for response. Repeat if there is a need; 8) Be clear in a speech; 9) Listen attentively; 10) Read signs and note social cues and the subtleties of conversation; 11) Express feelings without hurting others; 12) Make communication fun; 13) Resist the temptation to interrupt; 14) Use descriptive praise if the child is able to communicate effectively; 15) Get communication aided tools/devices to help the teaching of communication skills; 16) Teach the child how to recognise and respond to emergency situations, and how to seek for help with proper communication skills.
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6.2.2.4 Independence Skills
Parents are encouraged to teach the child to be independent. To promote independence, parents should take note of the following:
• To nurture and teach the child on problem solving skills. When the child is able to problem-solve, he will be able to become independent;
• To teach the child to take up responsibility. The whole process of it must be gradual so that they are confident to take up more tasks and move on for more challenges;
• It takes patience, practice and willingness to let the child try the task again and again. Parents must encourage the child to keep trying for independency;
• Parents need to be realistic and know the extent of the child’s ability beforehand when setting goals to them to be independent.
Tips on teaching problem solving: • Make learning fun through play and games; • Guide the child to think and find answers for himself or herself. Avoid giving
answers too quickly; • Review the child’s solution and discuss together to think of ways to make it better; • Encourage the child using positive consequences (e.g. by giving labelled praises); • Involve the child in family problem-solving discussion. This helps raise his self-
esteem and motivation to be independent in future. 6.2.2.5 Resilience Skills
Parents are the most important people to help build their children’s resilience. It is best to start as early as possible. With resilience, the child can:
• Manage his emotions in constructive and positive ways; • Build the skills to cope with daily demands, particularly for stressful events; • Develop social skills and relationships with others and the ability to face setbacks in
life.
Tips for parents to help the child develop resilience : • Keep the focus away from self
Focusing on the difficulty will be an obvious setback for the child. Instead, parents need to encourage the child to see beyond the difficulty and not give up easily for any endeavours.
• Failure often leads to success
Parents need to teach the child that failure is part of life and that the related bad feelings do not last. Parents can model a positive outlook and motivate the child with words like “You can do it! Keep on trying… it just takes a little practice.” It is also good to share stories on the successes of those with developmental needs to the child. For example stories on the glory brought by the Singapore athletes in the Paralympic Games.
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• Normalise and don’t personalise
Normalising helps the child by telling him or her that setbacks happen to everyone and they don’t reflect badly on the individual. Parents can empathise with setbacks and help the child ride through the emotions with words like
• “I can see how disappointed you are”; • “I have failed before and if I were you, I would feel the same way”
This shows that the parents have acknowledged the child’s feeling. The next step is to let them move forward so they can bounce back. E.g., parents can say “Now you need to think of the next appropriate step to do.”
• Always be there
Parents need to be there for the child to feel loved. This would motivate him or her to solve and respond to problems more readily. Parents need to set time to talk, listen, show care, support and give full attention to help the child get over the setbacks positively.
• Boost the child’s physical health
Parents must ensure the child has a healthy lifestyle with enough sleep and balanced meal. If a child is tired or hungry, it is harder for him or her to practise self-control and regulate his or her behaviour.
• Coping strategies
Children with developmental needs tend to struggle more with difficulties. Some methods to teach children how to cope and overcome their struggles include:
• positive self-talk • deep breathing • visualisation, and • relaxation exercises
• Other quick stress relief methods
Parents can try some of the methods here to help their child for quick stress relief:
• Take a shower; • Drink a glass of water; • Talk to parents; • Watch TV; • Eat favourite food; • Play with a pet; • Listen to music;
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• Draw, scribble or colour designs/pictures on paper; • Rip up some paper; • Play favourite toys; • Play favourite computer/mobile games; • Take a stroll with parents.
Note: The above list is non-exhaustive When the child feels better and able to regulate his emotion, he will become calmer and be able to respond better to stumbling-blocks.
6.3 Strengthen parent-child relationship A strong parent-child relationship needs time and commitment to foster. Each relationship consists of a combination of behaviours, feelings and expectations that are unique to a particular parent and a particular child. A good parent-child relationship helps a child to develop healthily. It also enables parents to parentg a child with developmental needs confidently.
Tips for parents to strengthen parent-child relationship:
• Be patient; • Give encouragement and motivation; • Have a positive outlook; • Do not take things too personally; • Resist the impulse to be punitive. Children with developmental needs are very
much more sensitive than other children; • Do not let little rifts build up; • Try what the child likes; • Look for the child’s strength. Strengthen it and provide a positive consequence; • Spend quality time. Give attention; • Love the child unconditionally. Be non-judgemental; • Talk nicely and listen attentively; • Set daily routines. Children with developmental needs feel secure with proper
structure and routines set at home; • Use of effective instructions. Instructions must be clear, short and easy to
understand; • Manage siblings positively. Educate other siblings, who are without
developmental needs, about their sibling so that they can gain a better awareness of his/her condition and make a conscientious effort to love and accommodate him or her;
• Regular family meeting; • Set fair house rules.
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7 Self-Care and Stress Management While looking after the child’s needs, parents need to take good care of themselves since caregiving can take a toll on their mind and body. When parents are overwhelmed by stress, it will pose a greater challenge for parents to care for their children. Over-stressed parents tend to be irritable, exhausted, paranoid, upset or even depressed. When this happens, children may feel sad and worried too. Tips for parents to practise self-care :
• Eat, sleep and rest well; • Exercise; • Prioritise commitments; • Give yourself a good treat once in a while; • Attend support groups; • Spend time and stay in touch with friends & family; • Avoid burnout. Enlist help from others when needed; • Work with your spouse as a team to make parenting easier. For single parents, get help
from friends, relatives, and community.
In order for parents to keep stress at a level that is helpful rather than harmful, they need to know the common signs and symptoms of stress before moving to the different coping strategies to keep it at bay. Below is a list of the common signs and symptoms when one is in stress10:
• Aches or Pains • Anger • Anxious or Racing Thoughts • Chest Pain • Cold or Sweaty Hands • Constant Worrying • Eating Problems • Feeling Overwhelmed • Loneliness • Low Energy • Negative Thoughts • Moodiness • Rapid Heartbeat • Sleeping Problems • Weight Problems • Withdrawal
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Tips for parents on stress management:
• Acceptance of oneself • Positive thinking • Setting realistic expectations • Hands-on coping strategies11 • Deep breathing • Meditation • Visualisation • Progressive relaxation exercises • Massage • Exercises • Self-talk
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8 Strategies to Keep Your Marriage Strong Raising a child with developmental needs takes up a lot of time and energy. In the midst of devoting so much to the child in need, you should not forget about the needs of your spouse/partner. Raising children with developmental needs tends to challenge even the strongest marriage. Knowing this challenge, you should prepare yourself on keeping the marriage strong and intact and not to allow the difficulty get into the way of your marital relationship. As a rule of thumb, do remember that your spouse needs you as much as your child needs you.. Tips to keep your marriage strong:
• Listen and Communicate with each other. It can be very tough and exhaustive to take care of a child with developmental needs. However, no matter how tired you are, spare a listening ear to your spouse. Learn to communicate with each other and the content of the talk should not limit to just your child’s matters. Ask your spouse on his daily matters and listen attentively. Your listening ear gives your spouse the energy and boost to handle and manage family matters together in a confident and positive manner.
• Do not blame each other when things get tough. The path on bringing up a child with developmental needs is especially tough and demanding. When things get tough, do not pinpoint and blame each other. Blaming game is destructive for a marriage. Take a break and use stress coping mechanism to cool and regulate your emotion. Thereafter, talk nicely and brainstorm for better solutions to overcome any family/child challenges. To build strong marriage during adversity, emotional support for each other is important. Hence, stop blaming each other as it will only make you more helpless, frustrated, defensive, uncomfortable, painful and humiliating. Rather, couples should work as a team to try out, focus and fine tune the appropriate solutions that could work out reasonably well for the family.
• Prioritise commitment towards family and marriage. Having a child with developmental needs can easily crumble one’s commitment towards family and marriage. Therefore, couples need to constantly encourage and motivate each other positively on the need to put effort and commit towards the building of a strong family and marriage. Couples need to learn to prioritize things with the limited time available. Putting other things aside, they have to endeavour to put family and marriage as the upmost priority. Parents can look into their to-do list and ignore those that are not uppermost, such as mopping the floor once a week than doing it daily, buying dinner from outside than cooking at home, etc. This will free up some time and enable couples to spend time towards working the building of a strong family and marriage.
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• Work as a team to nurture the child with developmental needs. If couples are able to work as a team to implement the customised parenting plan together to nurture their child with developmental needs, there will be less conflict between the couples and stronger parent-child relationship will be formed. A happy parent-child relationship will lead to a happy marital connection. When there is less conflict in the family, there will be higher satisfaction in the marriage which constitutes to a more enduring and successful marriage life.
• Celebrate the child’s milestones together. Celebrating any small achievement of a child with developmental needs is one way to bond the family and marriage. The celebration brings warm feelings to all members and this happiness serves as a visible reinforcement for healthy living and marriage. Just as it is tough to raise a child with developmental needs, parents can turn the wheel and celebrate all the child’s small milestones jointly. Enjoying a close family relationship helps to enhance the relationship of a couple and this makes the couple more willing to journey with their child who is confronted with multiple challenges.
• Practise good Conflict Management strategies Couples may adopt conflict management strategies to resolve their conflicts more effectively. Generally, conflicts do not necessarily jeopardize a relationship. There are times when the disagreements in fact help bring couples together. The key to this is the know-how on ways to handle the conflict. Instead of getting into Fight, Flight or Freeze behaviours, if couples are able to find ways to resolve the problems without personal attack, then conflicts will help them learn to resolve matter and attain the ability to better manage any future conflicts. One of the common conflicts faced by parents of children with developmental needs is argument over financial matters. As it is difficult to manage the family budget in such circumstances, many times couples would get into conflicts over this.
With the right practice of conflict management to resolve the challenges together, couples will soon learn how to resolve their disputes and stay close with each other. They will also learn how to forgive and forget, and grow through their interpersonal difficulties together. Parents may wish to refer to some useful links on conflict management12.
• Share house chores. Sharing house chores as a team is one way to lighten your spouse’s overall workload. Being overworked can easily cause the mother to be burnt out and this will affect the relationship of a marriage. If the spouse can help out, the effort will definitely be much appreciated and this helps to keep the marriage last.
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In fact, parents can teach the child with developmental needs on sharing domestic responsibilities. The household tasks can be easily modified to better accommodate the child’s developmental needs so as to tap on his / her current strengths. With the right motivation and breaking down of the chores into simple steps, the child is able to contribute his fair share of house work with his best efforts while the parents have more time for each other.
• Spend time with each other. Keep the spark. It is always hard for couples to spend time with each other, typically being parents of children with developmental needs. Nevertheless, couples should try to set some time to be together each day. This may be a simple 20-minute meal together or having a short night talk before bed. Spending quality time for each other will increase marital satisfaction, strengthen marital cohesion and harmony. This will promote couples to work harder to upkeep the marriage and family and to work as a team to manage their child’s difficulties together.
With a child with developmental needs, to thrive in a marriage is not easy. Couples need to adjust and adapt, be strong and willing to commit to the marriage despite all odds. If you still experience unresolvable marital issues, do seek professional care support or counselling for help.
Published by : Compass Life
Authors : Mohamed Faizal Bin Ahmad, Tan Chiew Lang & Veronica Eng
For enquiries, email : [email protected]
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9 References
1 https://app.msf.gov.sg/Portals/0/Files/EM_Annex.pdf 2 https://www.moe.gov.sg/docs/default-source/document/education/special-education/files/professional-practice-
guidelines.pdf 3 http://www.spark.org.sg/about-us http://rainbowcentre.org.sg/index.php?id=82#.V5i3S7h97IU http://downsyndrome-singapore.org/post/view/8/25 http://www.spd.org.sg/specialised-case-management-programme.html https://www.awwa.org.sg/our-services/family-caregiver-support http://www.das.org.sg/parents-teachers/parents/parents-support-group 4 http://www.fycs.org/index.cfm?GPID=109 http://www.spark.org.sg/where-to-get-help http://www.spd.org.sg/find-a-suitable-programme-or-service.html https://www.awwa.org.sg/our-services https://enablingvillage.sg/disability-services-at-the-enabling-village https://www.sgenable.sg/pages/content.aspx?path=/caregiver-support https://www.sgenable.sg/pages/content.aspx?path=/for-youths https://www.childcarelink.gov.sg/ccls/uploads/MSF-Child-Developement-Booklet.pdf https://app.msf.gov.sg/Portals/0/EM%20Progress%20Update%20Brochure.pdf 5 https://www.moe.gov.sg/education/special-education/list-of-sped-schools 6 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/anger-management.htm https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_97.htm 7 http://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/stress-management http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm
8 https://prc.moodle.com.au/login/index.php
9 http://rainbowcentre.org.sg/index.php?id=76#.V7R8nZh97IU http://www.spd.org.sg/development-support-programme.html 10 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-symptoms-causes-and-effects.htm 11 http://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu/perch/resources/distraction-techniques-pm-2.pdf 12 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/conflict-resolution-skills.htm http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/05/how-healthy-couples-manage-conflict
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10 Useful Links
1. Society for the Physically Disabled
2 Peng Nguan Street SPD Ability Centre Singapore 168955 Tel: +65 6579 0700 Fax: +65 6323 7008 E-mail: [email protected] http://www.spd.org.sg
2. Singapore Association of the Visually Handicapped (SAVH)
47, Toa Payoh Rise, Singapore 298104 Tel: (+65) 6251-4331 Fax: (+65) 6253-7191 Info Line: (+65) 62529116 - Infomation service. Email: [email protected] http://www.savh.org.sg
3. Singapore Association for the Deaf (SADeaf)
The Singapore Association for the Deaf 227 Mountbatten Road Singapore 397998 http://sadeaf.org.sg
4. SG Enable
SG Enable Ltd 20 Lengkok Bahru #01-01 Singapore 159053 Infoline: 1800 8585 885 https://www.sgenable.sg
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5. Cerebral Palsy Alliance Singapore (CPAS)
Cerebral Palsy Centre 65 Pasir Ris Drive 1, Singapore 519529 Tel: (65) 6585 5600 Fax: (65) 6585 5603 Email: [email protected] http://www.cpas.org.sg/about-cpas
6. Rainbow Centre
501 Margaret Drive Singapore 149306 Tel: 6472 7077 Fax: 6475 9739 http://www.rainbowcentre.org.sg/index.php?id=93#.V_dLs-B97IU
7. Association for Persons with Special Needs
900 New Upper Changi Road Singapore 467354 Tel: 6479 6252 Fax: 6479 6272 http://www.apsn.org.sg
8. AWWA
9 Lorong Napiri, Singapore 547531 Tel: 6511 5200 Fax: 6489 0775 Email: [email protected] https://www.awwa.org.sg
9. Movement for the Intellectual Disabled of Singapore (MINDS)
800 Margaret Drive, Singapore 149310 Tel: 6479 5655 Fax: 6479 0706 Email: [email protected] http://www.minds.org.sg
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10. Dyslexia Association of Singapore
1 Jurong West Central 2 #05-01, Jurong Point, Singapore 648886 Tel: 6444 5700 Fax: 6444 7900 http://www.das.org.sg
11. KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital
100 Bukit Timah Road Singapore 229 899 Tel : 6255 554 Email : [email protected] http://www.kkh.com.sg/Services/Children/ChildDevelopment/Pages/Home.aspx