parenting dilemmas

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Fall 2008

8 Tricky Parenting Dilemmas

And the Solutions You Didnt Expect!By Nancy Gelston Fries

Remember when you made the monumental decision to buy Huggies or Pampers? Decided whether to start your baby on

solids at four months or six? Deliberated over putting your toddler down for one nap or two?

During the preschool and elementary school years, it seems the decisions become more daunting, and whats at stake is a lot

more complicated than diaper rash. To quote the writer Anna Quindlen, Raising children is presented at first as a true-false

test, then becomes multiple choice, until, finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. This particular essay (not

endless, I promise!) attempts to solve some of the trickiest parenting dilemmas we face. The ones you wont find in What toExpect When. The ones you probably never expected at all. The ones so sticky that not a single parents real name was

used.

Dilemma #1:

The class assignments came out and your child got the one teacher you didnt want.

The key phrase here, according to the two teachers I consulted, is the one teacher you didnt want. When parents request

a teacher, says Nancy Larimer, a teacher at The Pegasus School in Huntington Beach, they are usually requesting based on

hearsay. Theyve heard that teacher is great, but that teacher may not necessarily be great for your child. She points out

that class placements are typically based on pairing your child with the teacher who works best with his personality and

learning styleimportant nuances parents may not have the background to accurately assess.

You should always give it four or five weeks, suggests Carol Perkins, a second-grade teacher at Lincoln Elementary in

Corona del Mar. I cant tell you how many parents later say, Hes perfectly happy, he loves the class, and it just sort of

resolves itself.

But what if it doesnt? Part of growing up is learning how to deal with different personalities, Larimer says, because when

we grow up, were going to have to work with those people.

Mom Charlotte Thomas coped with a less than ideal placement by being honest with her child. I told her there were things

her teacher does that I dont agree with, but that we still have to show respect for the teacher.

Dilemma #2:

Your child is desperate to play with the cool kids on the playground, but theyre not letting her in. In

fact, theyre downright mean.

Coast Kids Magazine | Parenting OC Style http://www.orangecountykidsmagazine.com/features/fall08_

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Coolness can set in as early as preschool - and so can icy behavior towards those the cliques in question have labeled

uncool. When the in crowd nixed her kindergartener, mom Sonya Beattie made a concerted effort to make play dates for

her with other kids. I have told her that she is a special person and therefore that only kids who are nice are deserving of

her company, Beattie says. She has been empowered by that.

Teachers can encourage new friendships, says Perkins. We set up kids (at recess) with other kids they might not otherwise

play with and they have to stick with them, Perkins says. We talk about it at the end of the day: What were the positives,

what were the conflicts and how would we resolve those.

Christine Stanton Peterson, a speech-language pathologist specializing in social skills issues, says kids should promote their

own strengths. Kids will look up to them as being really good at these strengths, be it karate or swimming or dancing, and

that makes them stand apart, she says. Even if this doesnt convince the Queen Bee to take your child under her wing, she

just might attract the attention of other, perhaps more appropriate, friends who share her interests.

What if your child still wants to hang with the in group? Pay attention to whose issue that is, says Larimer, because a lot

of times its not the childs issue; it s the parents issue. You want your child to be friends with those children because theyre

the popular ones or because their parents are your friends. Ouch! That brings us to Dilemma #3

Dilemma #3:

The Smiths are your closest friends but your kids just dont mesh.

The Nelsons and the Smiths became friends through their sons. Play dates led to family barbecues, beach days, even

vacations together. But things have changed. Its obvious her son doesnt want to hang out with my son anymore, Miranda

Nelson says. She hasnt dumped me as a friend, but her son has basically dumped mine. While Nelson has given up on

family get-togethers, Peterson says, I dont think the children should dictate the relationship of the parents. Opencommunication is the key, she says.

One mom, Sarah Lazarus, invited her friend Susan to dinner one night to discuss their daughters. We agreed we couldnt

resolve the issues between them, Lazarus says, but we also agreed we wouldnt let it come between our friendship.

Peterson suggests planning activities where the two conflicted kids dont necessarily need to engage with one another, yet

there is something for everyone to do. If youre really close with somebody, you can talk about those things and its not an

attack on her parenting; its just a temperament issue between children, Peterson says. And, if you cant talk candidly about

it, perhaps this is another issue thats more about the parents than the kids.

Dilemma #4:

Your childs friend is a drama queen, and every activity they participate in together becomes the stage for

her social maneuvering.

Try having a candid conversation about this one. Whenever its time for activity sign-ups, Miranda Nelson can count on a call

from Chelseas mom. The problem is, Nelson doesnt want Chelsea enrolled in the same classes with her daughter, especiallyif other friends are involved. Someone always ends up in tears, Nelson says, and the class is ultimately a waste. Nelsons

strategy is to stall. I let Chelseas mom sign her up first, and then I sign my daughter up for something else, even if it

means shes not with the larger group of friends. Nelson also shifted the onus to her child. I told the other mom that my

daughter was having problems being with the usual group of kids and needed to try something new. And, to further diffuse

the situation: I make a point of having Chelsea over for one-on-one play dates. Shes high maintenance, but as long as its

just the two kids, the problems are manageable.

Sandra Miller suspects she was on the other side of this issue last summer. After sharing her daughters camp plans with two

other moms, the other moms signed their girls up for completely different programs. Did my daughter do something awful

or inappropriate that nobody had the courage to share with me? Miller wondered in an e-mail, Or COULD IT BE ME?????....

The saga continues.... or is it a case of PARANOIA???

Dilemma #5:

The neighborhood kids have worn out their welcome at your house.

Living in a family neighborhood has its pros and cons, as Heather Murphy learned first-hand. While she loved the ready

availability of playmates for her children, one family in particular never gave her a moment of peace. Murphy went so far as

to park her car on the opposite side of the house. If they didnt see my car, they would think we werent home, she says.

She also put a lock on her gate so they couldnt come to her front door uninvited.

Blair Kaplan found the relationship with a neighborhood family to be nothing short of smothering. I felt I was taking on all of

their issues, and I had my own family to think about, Kaplan says. Id wake up in the morning worrying about their

problems. Not until Kaplan moved did she realize it wasnt the rambunctious neighbor son who bothered her as much as his

mom, who burdened her with every detail of her life. Which brings us to dilemma #6


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Dilemma #6:

You know your child is the troublemaker, and you are working on it, but meanwhile its clear that other

parents dont want him around.

My son came home rather suddenly from a neighbors house one day saying he wasnt allowed to play there anymore.

Fearing the fallout, I called the parents to find out why. It turns out the little rascal was cheating at a game and being

generally nasty. But he wasnt told he couldnt play there ever again; he was told he couldnt play anymore that day. Grateful

for this information, I was able to turn it into a learning opportunity for my son, and also to tell the parents that we are

working on these issues and appreciate their understanding. Now he knows: play by the rules, be kind, or dont play there at

all.

The troublemaking can clearly be a lot worse. If your kid is the troublemaker and you know it, Set him up for success, says

Peterson. I dont think even the most difficult child is difficult if you set the right scenario. If hes known to tear up the

house, make the play date at the park. If hes hyperactive, skip the ice cream. Set very clear ground rules up front, and if

theres failure, dole out immediate consequences, she advises.

Of course the parent of the difficult child is hungry for intimate relationships and friendships, Peterson notes. Most parents

of difficult children are already aware, so they are just thanking God that youre willing to reciprocate an invitation. If you

are kind enough to give that difficult child a chance, honest communication with the parents and clear setting of rules and

consequences at the outset can at least improve the odds of success. But what if they misbehave after all?

Dilemma #7:

A child misbehaves on your watch. Do you tell his parents?

The same rascal of mine referred to above wrote something unkind in the yearbook of his good friends little sister. Hermother could have written off my son as a mean troublemaker and we never would have known why he was never invited for

play dates anymore. Or, she could have let the incident slide. Instead, she told me about it, saying she believed Id want to

know. She was right. We were able to mend hurt feelings, teach a lesson in kindness, and move on. But when should you

stay mum?

Sandra Miller was taken aback when her daughters friend started discussing the middle finger. She responded by telling the

girls, both 8, that it was an inappropriate topic. Miller mentioned it to the girls mother, expecting shock and a promise to

have a talk with her daughter, but all she got was a shake of the head. But, by clarifying to the girls her own standard of

acceptable behavior, it probably wont happen again at least not on her watch. Elsewhere is another story.

As Peterson notes, parents usually know if their child is having issues. Theyre going to be very open to you saying, I

understand sometimes he has bad words, she says. Whether or not you tell a parent their child has misbehaved should

have more to do with the egregiousness of the infraction, and less to do with fear of the other parents reaction. But does it?

Dilemma #8:

Youre not comfortable with the rules at your childs friends house.

The obvious solution to this one is to invite the child to your house. But, sooner or later, if your kids are good friends, youll

have to let him go there. Alicia Green is a stickler for car seats, so when her son is being picked up by another mom shell

strategically ask, Do you need me to drop by a booster, or do you have one? Of course, dropping off a car seat doesnt

guarantee it will be used.

It gets tougher as the kids get older and more independent. Will they play teen-rated video games? Skateboard down a

steep hill? Go to the movies alone? A friend recently told me she hoped I wouldnt mind, but she didnt feel comfortable with

her son seeing the Indiana Jones DVD, Green says. I was so glad she was honest and up front so we could pick another

movie for the boys to watch. At the other extreme, Petersons stepdaughter went to a sleepover in high school with the

assurance that there would be no alcohol and no boys, yet the parents had flat-out lied. It was all about being the best

friend, the cool parent, she says.

Ultimately, sending your child to a friends house is a leap of faith. You can only hope that they will share your values and

standards, or at least honor them. And if you dont trust them to do so, all the play dates will have to be at your house.Which is a dilemma unto itself.

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