parenting coordinators and parent educators for divorce steve nisenbaum, ph.d.,j.d. crown point...

Parenting Coordinators and Parent Educators for Divorce

Steve Nisenbaum, Ph.D.,J.D.Crown Point Office Center

76 Summer Street, Suite 35Fitchburg, MA 01420

[email protected]

Divorce in the U.S. Increased 200% in 30 years Percentage of adults married is at all-

time low Divorce ranks second only to death of a

spouse or child as major life stressor Less than 60% of children live with

married biological parents 1 in 5 children will face 2 divorces by age

18

Two Roles for Psychologists to Help Divorcing Families

Parenting Coordinator and Implementing Parenting Plans

Parent Educator for divorcing parents of minor children

Defining “Parenting Coordinator”

A neutral facilitator who assists separated and/or divorced parents: a) to resolve disputed child-related parenting issues, and b) to develop and implement safe and workable parenting plans

Reducing Court Burdens Studies show dramatic reductions in

frivolous and expensive, emotionally charged Court actions

One California study found reduction from 993 Court appearances to 37 after Parent Coordinator appointed (T.Johnston, 1994)

Studies show parents report being satisfied and experiencing decreased conflict (M. Vick and R. Backerman, 1996)

Key Issues Qualifications, training and experience

of the neutral? Authority of a Probate and Family Court

Judge to appoint? Prior consent of the parents? Scope of appointment – e.g., no

authority to modify child custody Orders of the Court

Confidentiality, privileged communication?

Key Issues (Continued) Work with Parents only or input from children,

collaterals? Independent information-gatherer or only –

recipient? Clinical evaluation or non-clinical? Interventions? Written Report or other disclosure to Court or in

subsequent proceedings? Recommendations or not?

Review by Court, adoption as Order of Court, and/or access of parents to appeal or de novo review?

Compensation of Parenting Coordinator for services rendered and mechanisms for allocating cost and enforcing payment (e.g., use of retainers, withholding services)?

Key Issues (Continued) Access to records and documents? Risk management issues? – e.g., quasi-judicial

officer of the Court? subpoena for documents or deposition? summons to testify? professional negligence lawsuit? complaint to Board of Registration?

Duration of appointment and terminating or modifying appointment?

Authority to make decisions about contested issues in the absence of parents’ mutual agreement, and interim binding efficacy of such decisions prior to Court review and adoption?

Key Issues (Continued)

Legal standard for Court review? Statement of Facts and/or

Opinions? Mandated Reporting Laws? Tarasoff-type Duty to Warn/Protect Other legal and ethical

considerations?

Potential Advantages of “Parenting Coordinator” Over Unresolved Conflict or Re-Litigation

Potential for enhanced participation and voluntary resolution

Higher satisfaction of parents with process and outcome

Improved compliance Reduced inter-parental and parent-child

conflict, with beneficial effects for children

Potential Advantages (Continued)

Improved parenting skills Improved inter-parental and parent-child

communication, coordination, relationship Lower cost in time and money Simplicity and convenience Face-saving and non-violence Improved problem-solving skills, creativity,

flexibility Access to role-model of PC and to rehearsal

for cooperative agreement

Potential Advantages (Continued) Informed consent User-friendly simplicity, convenience, and

understanding of process Voluntariness and self-determination Parental engagement and control of outcome Degree of formality Procedural and evidentiary aspects Confidentiality and degree of public disclosure Non-prejudicial and non-precedential

When Does Parenting Coordination Work? Parents want resolution, or at least change All important stakes and stakeholders

considered Parents able to express reason of distress Parenting Coordinator able to sustain

process and maintain control toward goal Parents are able to live up to their

agreements

Parenting Coordinator Methods Facilitating productive discussion, with

opportunity to list grievances and needs, vent and be listened to

Problem-solving Negotiating and mediating solutions Plan-building and implementation:

parent negotiated vs. PC imposed solutions

Shuttle diplomacy only or Reduced to written Parenting Plan

Advantages of Parent-Negotiated Parenting Plans

Reduced conflicts Improved parent-child

relationships Enhanced satisfaction and sense of

fairness

What Written Parenting Plans Cover

Caretaking Decisionmaking Spending time Child needs (medical,

psychological, educational, spiritual, physical, social)

Typical written Parenting Plan Details of Responsibility

Residential care (school year, school vacations, holidays, birthdays, other major events)

Transportation Decisionmaking in education, religion,

medical decisions, etc. Designation of dispute-resolution

options for future (Court process, mediation, counseling), specifying person or agency

Disadvantages of Parent Negotiated Plans No penalty for lying Emotions may block rational decisions Parents may really want public

justification or revenge Power imbalance may force loss of

objectivity/neutrality Special deficits may be difficult to

address (retardation, brain damage, severe character disorder or mental illness)

Basic Elements of Parenting Coordinator Services

Informed Consent Confidentiality as Promised Before,

During, After Neutrality Acceptability

Formal Negotiation Sessions Model: Stages of PC Plan-building Before the initial meeting

intake screening and triage providing written information and obtaining

agreement to meet to consider Parenting Coordination

Introductions and setting the stage at initial meeting establishing positive atmosphere explanation of limits of confidentiality obtaining informed consent reviewing terms of payment and obtaining consent releases of information

Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued) Parenting Coordinator’s Opening statement

Explanation of process, disclaim partiality, disclose conflicts

Obtaining agreement to ground rules for joint sessions, caucusing, conferring with Attorneys

Defining issues and interests Parents’ Opening Statements Identifying issues and concerns in dispute Getting each parent to understand the other’s

perspective on each issue, even if they don’t agree Identifying interests behind the issues Getting each parent to agree to work on solutions

Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued)

summarize issues, feelings, wants and emphasize any positive history

get agreement to summary of open issues and concerns (“Do I understand that if we solve these issues we will have an agreement?”)

Generating options helping disputant parents generate options to

satisfy mutual and separate interests Assessing options and generating proposals

evaluating, comparing, elaborating, refining revising, discarding, compiling help brainstorming in joint session, breaking

impasse, developing objective criteria


modeling respect and dignity, no interrupting ask open-ended questions that encourage parents

to talk to each other place responsibility for creating options and

solving problems on the parties, and record parents’ own words (not edited or reworded); don’t interpret

work towards understanding each other’s interests behind each issue/concern, not necessarily agreeing (“Is there anything else you wish the other parent would understand?”)

allow appropriate expressions of feelings emphasize common interests and validate process active listening and asking questions


No criticism, no judging or evaluating ideas everyone gets a turn creating a habit of agreement keeping on track and managing exchanges; on

issues, off personalities Caucusing

to create or receive new proposals air disagreements decide timing brainstorm separately cooling-off

Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued) Tips for caucusing

if you caucus with one, caucus with the other

ask parent to leave, assure them of their turn

remind parent you are caucusing with of the confidentiality of the session

draw in the parent: “How do you feel about how it is going?”

create doubt when necessary to obtain movement and change of position


Tips for caucusing (Continued) explore hidden agendas re-examine possible solutions

determine if other ideas or change of thinking

clarify concerns on difficult issues engage in “What if …?” or “If Ann agrees to

X, then will you agree to Y?” if appropriate, suggest ways to expand

parent’s resources (e.g., outside help)


confirm offers and changes in positions before meeting with other parent

times to caucus: new facts/ideas presented; unsure of position/strategy; need to talk privately; need to resolve disagreement; impasse develops; help in problem-solving

don’t: caucus before a presentation is done; caucus for long periods without notice; offer sympathy and endanger impartiality

Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued) Creating doubt

“What will happen if you don’t resolve this?” “What is the likelihood of further protracted

litigation and uncertainty of outcome?” “What are the chances the other parent will accept

this proposal?” Final negotiations, developing standards, and

preparing a written memorandum of agreement

Concluding reviewing, drafting, signing a Parenting Plan

agreement what to do next if the parents cannot agree

Formal Sessions Approach: Opening Statement Checklist Welcome and Introduction

introduce yourself (qualifications, experience, background)

state referral or appointment have parents introduce themselves to you,

ask how they would like to be addressed and inform them how to address you

Establish impartiality disclaimers and clairifying personal

relationships

Opening Statement Checklist (Continued)

No prior knowledge of case, other than referral information

Explain Parenting Coordination process purpose is to help parents resolve their

grievances and differences purpose is to facilitate mutual agreement

in the best interests of the children and family, if possible

what will happen if no voluntary agreement

Opening Statement Checklist (Continued) Providing each parent with a chance to

tell their side of the story, to explore options for resolution

May meet privately and explore issues and options separately (caucusing) that may be difficult to explore together

Caucus time spent with each may be different; what is important is the amount of progress made

Opening Statement Checklist (Continued) Information discussed in caucus will be

held confidential and not released to the other parent without permission

Establish ground rules no interrupting each other; each parent will

have opportunity to respond personal respect; no personal attacks,

name-calling, swearing, smoking during sessions

obtaining parents’ agreement to ground rules

Opening Statement Checklist (Continued) Housekeeping

scheduling, locations room arrangements, caucus rooms, breaks location of bathrooms, telephones,

beverages and snacks, cigarette smoking areas

cell phones and beeper courtesy messages and calls between sessions communications with others (Attorneys,

GALs, therapists, DSS, Judges and Court personnel)

Negotiation Strategies Ground rules Agreed common goals Neutrals Recalling past agreement Not labeling Setting agenda, time, coverage Careful wording (active listening, “I” statements

and information-giving, identifying bothersome) Look to future while learn from past Handling backsliding, meeting conduct, expecting

success

Conducting Sessions

General interviewing skills: setting scene, listening, communication

Low-Directive Facilitation

Stay out of the way Limited structure Use of questions

Support Tactics

Willingness to listen and realistic appraisal

Recognition of strengths Accepting story without reinforcing or

agreeing to maintain neutrality Active listening Noting patterns Summarizing

Breaking Impasse Setting aside Re-establishing trust BATNA and WATNA Playing to Strengths Expanding Options Power Balancing (mediators, Attorneys,

therapy, caucusing, high structure parenting plan)

Getting help

Conflict-Reduction Strategies Separate relationship and parenting

issues Dealing with revenge Not undermining Not arguing (note reasons for arguing:

for argument’s sake, to be heard, staying connected, verbal substitute fighting)

Shifting perspectives Capitalizing on each other’s strength

Characteristics of a Good Written Agreement Basics

clear and in parties’ language covers all the issues definite and specific: who will do what,

when, where, how and how much? Enforceability Dispute Prevention

areas of further disagreement anticipated, with disincentives for violation or specified dispute resolution mechanism

Common Elements in Basic Parenting Plan: Divorce and Post-Divorce Revisions

Preamble, parents’ purposes, names and birthdates of children

Standards of conduct for parents Legal terms defining parental

responsibilities and authority

Common Elements in Basic Parenting Plan (Continued)

Terms set forth for: Religious affiliation and training Basic education and college Medical care and insurance Dental and vision care and insurance Insurance (life, auto, special

requirements) Childcare arrangements


Time spent with each child by each parent (overnights, together time, activity time)

school year summers holidays, special days

Transportation to and from each home Parents’ residences, locations, and terms

for relocation Financial contributions (child support and

other)


Duration of agreement, and revisions Resolution of disputes Sanctions or penalties if violated Tax consequences State and County of venue Periodic review and evaluation of plan

(e.g., annually or semiannually)


Death of parents (wills, guardians) provisions for catostrophic events Protracted illness Drastic loss of income Child’s surname Statement of paternity Parents’ access to information and

records

Sample Standards for Parent Conduct: Low Conflict Family Both parents will make their

whereabouts known so they can be reached in an emergency

Both will provide address and phone number to each other and to all childcare providers

Both will have access to all medical and school records and direct contact with individuals working with or caring for child

Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Low Conflict Family

It is our intent that both of us know about the children’s needs and education. We agree to coordinate efforts regarding transportation, conferences and consultations

Both will accommodate their children’s desires to spend more time with the other parent for special activities or together time

Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Low Conflict Family Neither parent will do anything that

would estrange the child from the other parent or impair the child’s love and respect for a parent

Both are free to attend the children’s activities, even if the child is not residing with the parent at that time. The nonresident parent will not interfere in the child’s schedule or with the resident parent’s plans.

Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Low Conflict Family

Neither parent nor the school should have to be concerned about the child’s whereabouts or changes in plans without prior discussion and agreement

Each child will have the opportunity to spend extra time with a nonresident parent by asking either parent for additional time. The resident parent has the right of approval.

Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Low Conflict Family The parents agree that the child will have

unrestricted phone access to a parent (or by beeper, email, regular mail) and that a parent will have reasonable, unrestricted access to the child by these or other similar means

Whenever appropriate, the child’s wishes will be seriously considered when decisions are made regarding their times and activities with each parent

Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Low Conflict Family The parents will communicate regularly

to discuss the needs and progress of the children. They agree to inform one another of significant events during the time the child is with them and to do so before or at the time of the child changing residence -- including information about school, activities, events, medications, health needs, and the child’s feelings, moods, and health

Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Moderate to High Conflict Family

Practically ANYTHING is potentially possible -- whatever works

Be Creative There is no cookie-cutter for sample

standards for these families Do your best, and Good Luck!

Most Common Issues in Post-Divorce Parenting Conflicts Approved Regular Visitation Plan Problem

regular schedules (daily, weekly) workability holidays, vacations, birthdays transportation and drop off/pick up child belongings late drop off or pickup, canceled visits, no

shows overnights visitation refusal by child

Most Common Issues in Post-Divorce Parenting Conflicts (Continued)

Requested Changes in Visitation advance notice and form of notice of

request special occasions (birthday parties,

special school and extracurricular events, holidays and vacation special requests)

unforeseen emergencies (sickness of child, parent)


Children’s Activities choice of activities and scheduling cost of participation transport and attending practices and

events Telephone calls

access timing, length, and who initiates during vacations

Most Common Issues in Post-Divorce Parenting Conflicts (Continued) Household rules and lifestyles Significant others and dating Differences in parental or

significant other values Supervision and disciplinary

interventions


Allegations of substance abuse or mental impairment in other parent or other parent’s significant other

School and related communications (choosing and changes, access to teachers and conferences, performance and report cards, projects, homework)


Vacations (out-of-State, out-of-country, length, sleeping arrangements, access for routine calls and emergencies)

Financial planning for future (college expenses)

Medical and psychological issues for child’s care


Stepfamily and blended family issues

Grandparents and other relatives (visit access and behavior)

Religious practice differences Allegations of endangerment

(abuse, neglect)

Parent Education Programs 44 States now have some forms of

Parent Education programs Regional or Statewide, Voluntary, recommended, or mandated Statutory or by Court rule General vs. specialized curriculum (e.g.,

domestic violence, substance abuse, language/culture)

General vs. specifically required (e.g., high conflict cases, nonmarried parents)

Tuition-Free or Paid

Some Key Variables Ever married, lived together or not? First marriage or subsequent? How long? Blended family? New Significant Other? Absent or uninvolved parent? Why? Amicable vs. contentious – marriage, post marriage? Age at marriage? Age at Children? Age of children? Number? Range of ages? Currently separated and how long? Parent special issues? E.g., domestic violence, substance

abuse, language/cultural, deficient skills, restraining orders Child special needs? Visitation refusal? Parental alienation? Supervised visits? Relocation? Grandparents and extended family? Either or both parents Pro Se or Attorney-represented?

Common Stated Goals in Parent Education Curricula Increase knowledge of effects of divorce on

children Reduce exposure to ongoing conflict on

children Enhance parental communication skills,

cooperation, decisionmaking Facilitating post-divorce adjustment of child Improve parenting skills Prevent behavioral problems for children Decrease complaints to Courts Increase understanding of court procedures

Most Common Content Areas

Children’s reactions and adjustments to divorce

Responding to children’s reactions to divorce

Stages of divorce (adults, children) Co-parenting communication skills Parents’ reactions and adjustment

Most Common Content Areas (Continued)

Cooperative and parallel parenting Referrals to services and materials Custody and visitation Parenting plans

Parent Education Formats – in vivo, video, online, and Samples

GRASP (General Responsibilities As Separating Parents

SMILE (Start Making It Livable for Everyone)

Parents Apart Positive Parenting Through Divorce

Understanding Clinical Issues in Post-Divorce Families

Psychological contracts during marriage and post-separation

The myth of divorce

Psychological Contracts in Marriage and Divorce: Expectations Great and Small

Marriage Bargains“classic marriage” bargain“companion marriage” bargain“protectorate marriage” bargain

Divorce Bargains

Kinds of Marriages

Pursuer-distancer Disengaged Operatic Cohesive/individuated Traditional

Myths About Divorce

Win or lose Children always lose Fixed pathways Men win Absent father and poverty Divorce like death

12 Destructive Myths

Can’t work Didn’t try Disappears Soap opera or war Blame game One truth Child interpreters

12 Destructive Myths (continued)

All or nothing One home Battling or perfection Children unharmed Solo success

Implications of Divorce

Divorce as extended, several stage process

Differing responses of parent and child Psychological importance of both

parents Special vulnerability Custody issues Preventive intervention

Implications of Divorce (continued)

Timing divorce Child’s preferences Expectable changes Post-divorce family Help

Divorce as Growth Opportunity

Catalyst for change (lifestyle, job, social structure, living environs)

Create knowledge that traditional roles don’t have to continue

Permit better relationship with children

Change destructive patterns Opportunity for personal growth

Phases of Ending First wave: pre-separation, separation

crisis, eruption, adolescent testing new identity/roles, new lifestyle

Second wave: deeper awareness, ex remarries or divorces, you remarry or divorce, ex has another child, change in legal arrangements, moving away, change in circumstances

Danger signals, addiction to strong emotions

Post-Divorce Relationship Patterns

Perfect pals Cooperative colleagues Angry associates Fiery foes Dissolved duos

Patterns of Post-Divorce Parent Adjustment

Enhanced Competent loners Good enoughs Seekers Libertines Defeated

Limited Capacities of Both Parents to Protect from Interparental Conflict and Disturbed Attitudes

Access contingent on both obtaining appropriate counseling

Court Orders for monitoring compliance Reviewing progress Direct access of child to own counselor

or advocate

Presumptions at Law

Tender years Best interests of the child Primary parent

Children’s Adjustment to Custody Arrangements Few differences for sole vs. joint custody Tendency for self-selection change in actual

custody so it best suits family Changes are for pragmatic reasons Emotionally and behaviorally troubled children

and troubled family relationships Amounts of visitation/access less important to

outcome than other factors 10% of couples with ongoing high conflict – allow

disengagement, reduce frequency transitions/contact and minimize shared decisionmaking and direct communications

6 Psychological Tasks for Children

Acknowledging reality of marital rupture Disengaging from parental conflict and

distress, and resuming normal pursuits Resolution of loss Resolving anger and self-blame Accepting permanence of the divorce Achieving realistic hope regarding

relationships

Child Responses Ages 3-5: fear, regression, macabre

fantasy, bewilderment, guilt, emotional need, play, rise in aggression, inhibition of aggression, guilt, emotional need, mastery

Ages 6-8: grief rear to disorganization, deprivation, yearning, inhibition of aggression at father, anger at custodial mother, fantasies of responsibility and rebuilding, conflicts in loyalty

Child Responses (continued) Ages 9-12: presentation, layering of response,

attempted mastery by activity, anger, shaken sense of identity, somatic symptoms, alignment

Ages 13-18: changes in relationship to parent, worry about sex and marriage, mourning, anger, perceptions in flux, loyalty conflicts, greater maturity and moral growth, more realistic about money, changed participation within family, strategic withdrawal

Failure to cope: temporary interference with entry into adolescence, prolonged interference, regression following loss of external values and controls, pseudoadolescent behavior

Child’s Wish List for Parent Honors visitation rights Is consistent and dependable Lives within reasonable distance Keeps in touch Doesn’t try too hard to be the “other

parent” Provides activities for continuity to visits Provides consistent discipline Doesn’t treat child as a “guest” Let’s child know how can be contacted

Child’s Worries

“I caused the divorce” “How can I be loyal to both?” “We’re going to starve/no money” “Where is my room going to be?”

Explanations Child May Need

Assurance they’re loved Briefly stated reasons for divorce Stress they’re not responsible Description of any changes

expected (e.g., parent moving, where child to live)

Time frames for any plans affecting child

How Children Contribute to Disputes

Strategies Reuniting Separation distress Detonating tension Testing love Proving loyalty Seeking fairness Protecting self-esteem Permissive living

Child Outcomes 5 Years Post-Separation: Key Factors Parental conflict Custodial parent’s handling child and

resumption of parenting Child’s feeling rejected and involvement

with noncustodial parent Child resources (personality, history,

intelligence, capacity for fantasy, social maturity, peer and adult supports)

Availability of support network Lack of anger and depression Sex and age

Visiting Parent’s Experience

Why visits are hard Internal barriers discouraging visits

(depressed fathers, guilty fathers, provocative fathers)

Factors contributing to visits (welcoming limits, others)

Parents’ Motives and Methods

Level of impasse Reuniting strategies Extending mediation Pursuing sole or joint custody Emotionally disengaging Yielding to all demands

Parents’ Methods and Motives (continued)

Refusing to visit Labeling/invalidating Buffering Sabotaging

Emotions of Ending

Wounding and healing (emotional and personal re-ordering)

Whose idea Pre-separation “boot camp” Review work and releasing Repeating themes Denial and dumbness

Parents’ Emotional Survival Strategies

Favoring Court Manipulating children’s

preferences

Parents’ Financial Survival Strategies

Primary physical custody Shared physical custody Most of the summer

Parents’ Pushing to Lose Strategies

Martyrdom Face-saving

Parents’ Appeasing Strategies

Sole custody for new spouse Pulling away

Parents’ Power Assertion Strategies

Sole custody 50-50 split 51-49 split Cliches for justification Child’s last name Secret phone calls Holier than thou Sole custody revenge

Parents’ Power Assertion Strategies (continued)

Point-counterpoint Joint custody revenge Bait and switch Frustrating visitations

Parental Alienation: Manifestations

Campaign of denigration Weak rationalizations Lack of ambivalence Independent thinker Reflexive support Absence of guilt Borrowed scenarios Spread to extended family

Parental Alienation: Aligned Parents Blame their own intense dysphoria on the

former spouse Highly vulnerable to competitive narcissistic

injuries (e.g., brain-washing and programming intensify as rejected partners succeeds in life financially or in new relationships)

Poor candidates for re-education because largely “other-blamers” who take no responsibility for damaging influence on child

Can be skillful in convincing others of sincerity

Parental Alienation: Child Psychodynamics

Primary bond Fear of disruption Reaction formation Identification with aggressor Idealized parent Release hostility Infectiousness of emotions Sexual rivalry

Parental Alienation: Gender Differences

Birthright proprietary-exclusionary Family synonymous Female identity Financial support Lacking resources Continuity,

Parental Alienation: Gender Issues (continued)

Men’s capacity Peer-group expectations Fear of another loss Moving Creating a new family Opportunity

Aligned/Rejecting Child Confusion

Feel self-hatred and guilt for allying against rejected parent

Anger and challenging behavior is also a pathetic longing for the rejected parent

Parental Alienation: Other Views

Instead of passive victims of ex-spouse’s vengeful rage, rejected parents are often rather inept and unempathic with their child

Rejected parents may also contribute to the problem by counterhostility and dogged pursuit of the child (telephone calls, letters, appearances at child’s activities)

Parentified Child Parentification: child provides security

and direction, child meets closeness or companion needs, child caregiver

Impact: adverse consequences, emancipation,future relationships, self-esteem

Assessing: in charge, confidant, observing wounded parent, discuss dating, child intermediary, characterizing child

Emotion-Dismissing Parents Don’t notice lower intensity emotions View negative emotions as toxins See unhappy child as failed parenting Try to protect child from all negative

affect Try to distract or cheer up See examining negative affect as waste

of time/destructive Lack language for emotions

Emotion-Coaching Parents Notice lower intensity emotions See negative affects as opportunity for

intimacy or teaching See child’s experiencing negative affect as

healthful growth, and are not impatient with negative affect

Communicate understanding and empathy Help label feelings, understand feelings

underlying behavior, set limits and problem-solve

Distortions in Thinking

Emotional misreasoning Overgeneralization Catastrophic thinking Black-and-white thinking Shoulds and musts Negative predictions/fortune-telling Projection

Distortions in Thinking (continued)

Mind-reading Labeling Personalization Negative focus Cognitive avoidance

Functions of Visitation Protect child’s rights for access to the

noncustodial parent Protect rights of the noncustodial parent Protect the emotional bond between

child and both parents Provide alternative role models for the

child Provide the custodial parent with relief

from parenting responsibilities

Visitation Tips

What each house should have Ways to communicate Children’s issues Making transition time easier Checkmate (cost of divorce, tax

liability, property settlement, mortgage, taxes and insurance, child support, alimony)

Visitation Tips (continued)

Mediation Custody sampler Sole custody What fathers say is hardest

Data on Frequency of Visitation

More frequent visitation occurs if: a regular visitation schedule parents are cordial custodial parent encourages visitation noncustodial father is not depressed father is better educated child wishes to visit child is not withdrawn or regressive

Data on Frequency of Visitation (Continued)

More frequent visitation occurs if: noncustdial parent was from an intact

family noncustodial parent lives alone noncustdial parent seldom moves noncustodial parent chose the separation child support payments are more regular it is closer in time to the separation remarriage has not occurred

Possible Visit Considerations For only child, no special developmental

guideline considerations of context If parents have a developmentally

inappropriate pattern with apparent success over time, child may be very adaptable and the deviation acceptable if difficulties are not being ignored

If attachment problems become symptomatic, consider mental health evaluation

Possible Visit Considerations (Continued) If child shows symptoms at transition

leaving from one parent: visitation problems may exist (abuse, neglect, conflict?); child may attempt to please parent who is left; child may find leaving less painful if everyone is upset

If child shows symptoms at transition leaving from both parents: child may have difficulty with loss; may be trying to please both parents; may be change-sensitive

Possible Visit Considerations (Continued) If an older sibling is present for visit times

and child is bonded with that sibling, consider longer visit durations

If child is not bonded with sibling, consider using the developmental guidelines

If parents have chronic conflict: consider 3rd party transfer; consider sole custody; regular predictable visits; reduced frequency of transfer

Possible Visit Considerations (Continued) If noncustodial parent has significant

psychopathology, consider whether: reduced frequency and duration visits, or supervised visits only or no visits

If noncustodial parent is abusive or neglectful, consider: supervised visits only or no visits

If child is severely alienated from noncustodial parent, consider: very brief visits with or without supervision

Possible Visit Considerations (Continued) If great geographical distance,

consider: avoid long visits for children under 7, but promote frequency where financially feasible; half the time have custodial parent take the child and half the time have noncustdial parent go get the child

If there has been a long break, consider a phase-in resumption with or without supervision

Possible Visit Considerations (Continued) If custodial parent is isolated without

supports or under stress, consider increasing visitation with noncustdial parent to reduce constant caretaking

If child has an easy temperament and the parents want to change the guidelines, be sure to evaluate whether the change is for the convenience of the parents rather than the benefit of the child

Predictors of Good Child Adjustment

Parents’ psychological functioning Quality of parent-child relationships Regular predictable access

arrangements Stable social support systems

school social activities, contact with peers and extended kin)

Parent Do’s Give quality time with both parents Resolve problems with ex without involving

children Make children feel loved and cared for Ensure their financial needs Keep blame between parents Minimize radical changes Convey one is responsible for own well-

being Encourage children to live their own lives

Parent Don’ts Make child choose/take sides Make them feel as if they have only one parent Put them in the middle Deprive children of emotional support Deprive children of financial support Blame children Force lifestyle change Make child responsible for parent’s emotional

well-being Let divorce interfere with child’s social life and

peer relationships

Guidelines for Parents Allow time for readjustment Remember the best of the marriage Reassure child re blame and rejection Don’t encourage child to take sides Don’t upset routine abruptly Be frank but nonjudgmental about finances Don’t make unpleasant too secret Retell the story when, and only when, child

needs that Use consistent discipline Abide by visitation guidelines

Stepfamilies and Blended Families

Ambiguity or role/authority of cohabiting steppartner

Heightened stress for children and ex-spouses, return of repressed anger/unresolved mourning and displacement

Child’s vulnerability forming new attachments after disappointment and loss of one parent


Child’s fear of losing other parent, too Awkwardness that coordination of

responsibilities and new roles takes time Pseudomutuality and phobic fear of

disagreement Uncertainty how supposed to feel Expanding and contracting involvements

with extended families Increased competition from former spouse


Child’s loyalty to non-remarried other parent

Child’s resentment of sexualized parent Child’s resentment of new partner (or

kids) as competitor for time and attention

Stepparent’s resentment of child of previous relationship rejecting

Weakened incest taboos


Discontinuities in family history from visitation

Yielding space and privacy Changing sibling role order or status Ineffective parental disciplining due to

newly apparent skill limitations, overleniency to quell dissatisfaction, overly rigid discipline to maintain order


Using remarriage to rescue out-of-control Increased interparental competition and

forcing choices Differing loyalties among siblings and

balancing acts Stepparent overeagerness to please New negotiated household culture norms

(chores, manners, rules, expressing feelings)

Never Married: Special Issues Never established a separate family unit,

may not know each other well, cannot draw on prior experience working together (may be similar to briefly married)

Child may have little or no contact with other parent

Child may have accepted another as parent-substitute

Child may question a parent’s absence, appearance, relatives

Never Married: Special Issues (continued) Parents may have added anger,

resentment, suspicion, or fear if feel coerced by Court

Informal arrangements affected by Courts and involvement of social service agencies

Other relatives who shared childrearing may feel displaced

Mediator may be viewed as outsider, too

Never Married: Modified Approaches

Increased education (especially on child development)

Increased referrals to community resources and case management

Increased caucusing and shuttle mediation

Increased power-balancing, brainstorming, suggestions to address obstacles

Never Married: Modified Approaches (continued)

Increased modeling effective communication, teaching how to make and respond to requests, how to structure a discussion, how to use solution-based decisionmaking

Use more active, reactive and proactive style, but stay concrete and stick to boundaries

Take risks and do unexpected

parenting coordinators and parent educators for divorce steve nisenbaum, ph.d.,j.d. crown point...

Documents

court review

court confidentiality

order of court

court actions

court appearances

parents report

parenting coordinators

court burdens studies