parent to parent: family training on ad/hd ® session four developing parenting strategies and...

Parent to Parent: Family Training on AD/HD®

Session Four

Developing Parenting Strategies and Interventions

that Strengthen Family Relationships

CHADD Parent to Parent ©2005 4-2

Discussion will include Review Homework Compliance Training Time Out Free Response Cost House Rules–worksheet 7 Criticism/Empathy Behavior—Teenagers Challenging Behaviors Love & Logic®—One Liners Questions & Answers Homework Assignment


Compliance Training

How to Give an Instruction:

Precision Instruction

1. State child’s name — “Alex”

2. Follow with — “You need to…”

3. Be specific — “Put your glass in the sink”


Guidelines for Compliance Training

1. State the precise instruction:“Alex, you need to put your glass in the sink.”

2. Allow your child a brief period of time to comply (count silently to 10)

3. If your child complies within this time period, provide a token

(cont'd)


Guidelines for Compliance Training (cont’d)

4. If your child does not comply within this time period, repeat the instruction stating an additional consequence for noncompliance:

“Alex, you need to put your glass in the sink before I count to 10 or you will have to go to time out for minutes.”

5. If your child complies before you count to 10, provide a token

(cont'd)


Guidelines for Compliance Training (cont’d)

6. Repeat the procedure until you obtain your child’s compliance

7. Do NOT provide a reinforcement token for compliance if you needed to use time out to obtain compliance


Benefits of Compliance Training

Teaches the child to comply within specific behavioral limits

Provides the child with a verbal cue that signals to pay attention to something of importance (i.e., “You need to…”)

Helps prevent parental instructions from becoming “background noise”

(cont'd)


Benefits of Compliance Training (cont’d)

Provides consistency with parental request and expectations Children quickly learn to recognize when

an instruction is being given The immediate consequences of compliance

and noncompliance are clear to the child


“Time Out”

“Time Out” from ReinforcementDefinition:

A punishment technique in which the child is removed from a situation that offers reinforcement and is placed in a situation in which no reinforcement is available


Guidelines for Using “Time Out”

Do not overuse “time out” Use it primarily with children of elementary

school age For older children, loss of privileges is

generally more effective Designate a “time out” location in your

home. Set a chair in a location that is free from busy family traffic, but in a place that you can monitor

(cont'd)


Guidelines for Using “Time Out” (cont’d)

Assign a short period of time to “time out” One minute per year of age of the child

(e.g., six minutes for a six-year-old) For a hyperactive child, less time may be effective

“Time out” rules: Your child may not play with any objects, and hands

should be empty during “time out” Your child must stay on the chair throughout the time

out period. (No bathroom breaks during “time out”) Do not speak with your child or respond to any

questions or comments while in “time out” Review the “time out” rules with your child during a quiet

time


What to Do When Rule Violations Occur

We suggest the following: Reset the timer. If your child has served five

minutes out of a six-minute session and has broken one of the “time out” rules, reset the timer for six minutes

For children who refuse to remain in time out, remove privileges until the “time out” session is successfully completed

Do not allow your child to take control of the situation

(cont'd)


What to Do When Rule Violations Occur (cont’d)

If your child will not stay in “time out,” tell him that he has lost privileges for a designated amount of time (30–60 minutes) and that you will give him the opportunity to finish his “time out” ONLY after that time period has expired

Do not let the child decide when he/she is ready to complete “time out”

Remember: You and not your child are in control of the “time out” session


Free Response Cost

Target inappropriate behavior (e.g., hitting, throwing, jumping)

Collect data—how often does it occur within a certain period of time?

Distribute tokens on a scale that matches the behavior(Hitting 10 times per hour—give 7 tokens)

Determine an appropriate monitoring time (i.e., one hour)

Select a reinforcement to be given if child has one token left

Optional: Select a consequence if your child loses all of the

tokens (cont'd)


Free Response Cost (cont’d)

Carefully explain the plan to your child Begin the monitoring session At the end of the monitored session…

Give reinforcement or consequence With consistent improvement—reward has been

earned at least 90% of time Gradually reduce the number of tokens freely

given in each time period


Advantages of a Free Response Cost Program

Easy to design and implement. Practical to use in public places

Tokens are freely given at the outset so that the loss of a token is less frustrating The child does not feel that something that has

been earned is being unfairly taken away Tokens provide your child with a firm

behavioral boundary and permit the visual tracking of how close he/she is to that boundary


Selecting the Tokens

Coupons Raffle tickets Coins Candy

Using highly valued tokens allows the child to work harder to retain all of the tokens


Pick Your Battles: Make Only a Few “House Rules”

Make a list of non-negotiable house rules Rank them—most important to least important The top three are the house rules (non-negotiable rules)

Type or write them up, make several copies and post everywhere needed–kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, playroom

Establish consequences for violations of house rules Type them up and post them next to the house rules

Monitor daily Be consistent, be consistent, be consistent!

Beth A. Kaplanek, R.N.


3 Rs of Misbehavior

Rules– Relationship

Rebellion

Helen Glass, M.S.Ed.


Criticism—When and How?

Criticism is the opposite of praise Should not be used too often as it can be

damaging to the child’s self-image Could weaken parent-child bond

Conversely, can provide your child with important feedback that can be used to correct inappropriate behavior


Guidelines for Criticism

Identify the specific behavior that you do not want from your child

Identify the specific behavior that you want from your child

Criticize the behavior and not your child Be sincere—avoid sarcasm Use a calm tone of voice Praise your child much more often than you

criticize him/her Stay in the present; avoid dredging up past

mistakes


Guess which child is in trouble


The How to:

Wrong: “Carol, I hate it when you are so irresponsible! You are lazy and are behaving like a spoiled brat.”

Right: “Carol, it makes me upset when you don’t make your bed when I tell you to. You need to make it immediately.”

Wrong: “Felicia, I hate it when you don’t do what you are supposed to do. You never listen to me. You’re just a spoiled brat.”

Right: “Felicia, it makes me angry when you leave the kitchen without putting your dishes in the dishwasher. I need you to put your dishes in the dishwasher immediately.”


Empathy — Reflective Listening

What does it mean to be a reflective listener? It is a form of communication where you

paraphrase what you believe your child is actually feeling“It seems as if you had a really bad day at school today. It must be hard to go to school when you feel nobody likes you.”“I understand that you think we love your sister more than we love you.”“I can see you really feel bad about getting an F on that paper. It must be hard to know that many of your friends did better.”


Cautions When Using Reflective Listening

Don’t be a parrot Child says: “I’m stupid.” Parent doesn’t say: “Sounds like you think you’re

stupid.”

Don’t be afraid of your child’s feelings Child says: “I’m really ugly.” Parent doesn’t say: “No you’re not; you’re really

pretty.” Parent should say: “It must be hard to feel you

are not as pretty as the other girls.”

CHADD Parent to Parent ©2005

Bad Reflective Listening from Homer Simpson

4-27


Behavior Techniques for Teenagers with AD/HD — There are Differences!

Focus is on preserving the relationship by being flexible Increasing focus on the adolescent’s agenda/values (e.g.,

your teen wants to choose Tech school vs. four-year college)

Providing your teen more opportunity for choices and responsibility for his/her own decision-making

The parental role changes—from primary manipulation to including the teen as a partner in the problem-solving process

The primary consequence—changes to loss of privileges The primary form of reinforcement—changes to

additional privileges


How to Respond to Your Teenager

Listen without responding Sympathetic listener with no communication

Empower the teen to make a choice to accept or reject parental advice Then the teen discovers the “power” of natural

consequences Negotiate for a change when the behavior or

pattern negatively affects others The give and take between parents and teenagers in

these situations is necessary in order to motivate the teens to work with the parents to make changes in their behavior

(cont'd)


How to Respond to Your Teenager (cont’d)

CEO of the family—shared between mom and dad Pick your battles, make them few Prioritize issues Determine specific consequences for non-

negotiable issues House rules Attendance at school Verbal abuse Curfew, etc.


Tips for Challenging Kids

Emphasize strengths when giving feedback Praise the part of the job that was done well

Don’t initiate conversations with a question Focus on the facts of an incident

Don’t draw conclusions about the kid’s motives or morals

Don’t give a real, meaningful consequence that wasn’t discussed and planned

(cont'd)


Tips for Challenging Kids (cont’d)

Remember to praise your child’s efforts often, regardless of his/her results

You can’t solve all of your child’s problems, especially those occurring in social situations. It is human to struggle. Struggling builds character

Solicit a consequence from your child What do you think is a fair consequence?

Don’t call it a “punishment” “How can you make up for this?…make it right?”

(cont'd)


Tips for Challenging Kids (cont’d)

Think before you say “yes” or “no” “I have to think about it,” or “I’ll give you an

answer when I come back in the room.” Give your opinion, but don’t belittle theirs; agree that

it’s all right to disagree Open your doors and windows

One or both of you may be less likely to yell

Avoid debating who’s right e.g., “I know we don’t agree, but here’s what I think.”

“Don’t say it, display it” Visualize more than verbalize


Averting & Defusing Power Struggles

“This isn’t working” “I’m only making it worse” Can you offer a solution we could both live

with? Invites the language of problem-solving and makes

clear that both parties needs must be reasonably met/accommodated

Why tell an explosive child, “No,” multiple times?

(cont'd)Revised


Averting & Defusing Power Struggles (cont’d)

“Listen to me and I’ll listen to you”

List your child’s position in writing with the heading defining the problem as “Inability to find agreement” See next slide for sample

(cont'd)

Revised


Inability to Find Agreement-example Chris-wants to go to Madison Square

Garden by train to the Dead Head Concert When stuck in disagreement, this strategy can help in a variety

of ways. It tells the child you realize he or she has a heartfelt position he or she is pressing for, that you’re willing to help organize it/clarify it/look at it from his/her point of view, and that disagreements can be addressed in a controlled fashion.

This means we are taking this issue from an Argument to a work task

This buys time and changes the environment These are statements parents can use while working

with their child“Can you live with that”?“Was that a good choice or a bad choice”?“Tell me what we just agreed to”?

Revised


Averting & Defusing Power Struggles“Language” yourself out of a power struggle”

“This is so important to you that you need me to cooperate even though I don’t understand. I’m going to let you do this, and I’m going to think about how we can avoid this situation next time.” Allows you to “give in” to child on your terms, with

you the parent assuming an authoritative stance. It’s telling the child that it is your rational decision to allow him or her to do X because you’ve acknowledged he or she is not very capable of handling the alternative. It beats:

“You’re impossible. Just go ahead, I don’t care anymore

Revised



“Listen to me and I’ll listen to you” List your child’s position in writing with the

heading defining the problem as “Inability to find agreement”

“Language” yourself out of a power struggle “This is so important to you that you need me to

cooperate even though I don’t understand. I’m going to let you do this, and I’m going to think about how we can avoid this next time.”

(cont'd)



Tag team You leave, your spouse takes over, but NOT

as the “enforcer” or the heavy Leave the area, the house Cite the importance of the relationship

“I can’t argue with you like this…I don’t like bad feelings between us.”

After outbursts, assess for skill deficits and antecedents Ask yourself: “What made him do that?” The

child is not going to tell you

(cont'd)



Let the child go to his/her sanctuary (tree fort, end of driveway, woods in yard, trampoline, room, closet, basement)

“It’s not him, it’s his brain stem” Michael Hurley, Ph.D.

Power Struggles and Control Battles

Perceived control is a basic human emotional need

No one wins a power struggle, but everyone wants control, so expect them to occur

We do not do our best thinking when we are in an emotionally charged state

Be aware of red flag behaviors Know when you have lost them and instead try

saying, “Okay, let’s take a break, then we’ll get back to it. Do anything you want for the next two minutes. I’ll set a timer so we can keep track of the time.”

(cont'd)

Power Struggles and Control Battles (cont’d.)

If you think you might be in a power struggle, You Are!

Don’t get caught responding to situations immediately Delay consequences and disengage

Then, THINK

It is okay to say, “I don’t know what to do about that right now. I’ll get back to you later. Try not to worry.”

Smile, Eye Contact, Friendly Touch Parents who are stern guards develop kids who

become too sneaky to catch

“Children who feel loved and accepted will allow you to teach and

receive your advice”

The happiest kids are those with parents who set and enforce firm, reasonable limits—and can do it without raising their voices

Helen Glass, M.S.Ed.

Why Do We Need Three Elements of Human Bonding?

Changing Learned Behavior – Ours It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3

Directions:

Open in order:

1. Head

2. Heart

3. Mouth

Child receive

sSo…

Helen Glass M.S.Ed.


Love and Logic®

Jim & Charles Fay2207 Jackson Street

Suite 102Golden, Colorado

www.loveandlogic.com

Provide training materials that teach a unique love and logic approach to raising children

without the use of anger and frustration


Argument Stopper—One Liners If arguing begins, go “Brain Dead”— Use “One liners”

Probably so I know Nice try (big smile) I bet it feels that way I don’t know, what do you think? Bummer Thanks for sharing That’s an option I bet that’s true I’ll still (love, care, respect) you no matter whose

class you’re in Ummmmm

Love & Logic®


Homework

CHADD Fact Sheet #2, “Parenting a Child with AD/HD”

Developing House Rules—Worksheet #7 Behavior Management of AD/HD: Part Two

parent to parent: family training on ad/hd ® session four developing parenting strategies and...

Documents

chadd parent

child slide

compliance slide

time period

effective time

token contd slide

sink slide

short period of time