56 www.timeoutbeijing.com June 2013

Kids &Education

Edited by 

Stella Antakusumakids@timeoutcn.com

 

Education & Kids

Rewarding your children for good behaviour is a good idea, right?Wrong, says Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting and Punished by Rewards. WordsStella Antakusuma

Parents often dangle rewardsin front of their children toencourage or manipulate them

into doing as they are told. But, saysAlfie Kohn (pictured, right), authorof several parenting and education-related books: ‘When we choose touse the rewards system – or, for thatmatter, punishments – as way ofgetting children to comply with ourwishes, we find ourselves joining allthose people around us who prizedocility in children and value short-term obedience above all.’ Givinga child a gold star whenever they dosomething right is, it seems, ratherlike training a rodent to press a leverto dispense a snack. So unless youwant your child to be a lab rat, hereare five reasons to avoid rewards atall costs.

Short-term motivation

Rewards do work, but they area myopic solution that can havelong-term repercussions. It is alsoby no means the best way to getchildren to comply; if they desire thereward badly enough, they will doas they are told without consideringthe reasons. Kohn encourages

parents to help children learn thereal reason for completing a task.‘Engage them in conversation aboutwhat makes a family (or classroom)function smoothly, or how otherpeople are affected by what we do,or failed to do. Not only is it morerespectful, it is also more likelyto help kids become thoughtfulpeople.’ This process may takelonger than simply offering rewards,but it allows children to develophigh-order moral thinking, as well asa sense of consideration for othersaround them.

Increasing stakes

It is not unusual to hear adultssay, ‘If you sit quietly, I’ll give youa sweet.’ At this point, the child maystart behaving because the suckingof a sweet meets their temporaryneed to alleviate boredom.However, says Kohn, the childmay soon learn the associationof sweets to bad behaviour. Tostretch our imaginations further, itis plausible that any adaptable childmay extend the concept of earningsweets with other rewards. Parentsoften find themselves offering

higher stakes each time, especiallywhen they face a deadlock innegotiations. A sweet today canmorph into an iPad tomorrow.A desired behaviour from childrencan be, and should be, achievedfree of charge. It starts with love,logic and reasoning – and time.

Keeping count ofrewards is not as easyas ABCReward implementationusually begins attoilet training. Ifa parent has toaward a star eachtime the childuses the toiletproperly, whathappens if thechild does onlyhalf their businessin the right place?To complicate thingsfurther, an older sisterwho is already potty-trainedmay now also want a gold star forevery successful job that she does,and argues that a halfway job doesnot warrant a real star. What started

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Not so rewarding

out as a seemingly sensible wayof keeping track of good behaviourcan become an auditing nightmare.Abolish all gold stars within yourhome and life will be much simpler.

Losing interest inthe task

If someone paid you 10RMB totake out the rubbish every day, thismenial but important task wouldseem even less attractive if themonetary gain is stopped. Kohn,who has done extensive researchon this phenomenon, says: ‘Studieshave shown that the more we rewardpeople for doing something, themore they tend to lose interestin whatever they had to do to getthe reward.’ Once the reward isremoved, children lose the externalmotivation that had been propellingthem all along. Rewards can henceundermine a child’s learningprocess because the motivationbecomes one of getting the rewardand not one of learning. Help thechild cultivate self-motivationby discussing how the learningbenefits them. Take the opportunityto impart important values such asperseverance and relentlessness.

Creating reliant children

Before a child can build confidence,they first need to feel secure in theenvironment that they are in. AsKohn points out: ‘One of the biggestproblems of the rewards system ishow children equate rewards, or theholding back of them, to love. Goingby that, it only means that a parent’slove is conditional upon goodbehaviour.’ If they constantly feelthe need to look to the parent forapproval – sometimes in the form ofverbal rewards such as praises – thechild may never develop a senseof independence and confidenceto progress in whatever it is theyare doing.

When a child manages to dosomething for the first time, thechild should say, ‘I did it!’, insteadof asking the parent uncertainly,‘Was that good?’ This is not to saythat parents are to withhold theirverbal adorations for their children.But focus on the art, not the artist.This helps children understand

what they have done well, andcontinue to improve in the

areas that they lackin. When it comes to

celebrating a majorachievement,involve the childand positionit as a familycelebration,rather than that ofa parent bestowing

the reward.

UnconditionalParenting is available

now on amazon.cn in bothEnglish for 73.80RMB and Chinesefor 17.90RMB. Punished byRewards  is available on amazon.cnin English for 83RMB.

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