Our English word “grief” originally comes from the Anglo-French literally meaning “injustice, calamity or heaviness.” There are some 20 Hebrew words translated in the King James Version of the Bible as “grief,” “grieve,” to be grieved,” etc. Its definition can express a sense of weakness and sometimes speaks of a deep sickness in the soul.

Isaiah 53:10 prophetically defines Jesus’

grief as meaning to “crush Him

incurably.” It can mean “weariness of

toil,” “suffering,” “pain,” “bitterness,”

“a cause of staggering,” to “faint,”

“sour,” or sometimes implies being

“bitterly or violently moved.”

In Psalm 73:21, “For my soul was grieved” in Hebrew means “was in ferment.” In Acts 4:2 and 16:18 the word is translated “to groan or sigh.”

The uses and instances of the word “grief” are notably less frequent in the New Testament which is beautifully significant because Christ came to conquer death and comfort all who are grieving.

He came to give a garland of praise for

ashes, joy for mourning, the garment of

praise for a spirit of heaviness, and of

course, to turn our mourning into

dancing.

Susan VandePol

Life After Breath

When grief is your companion, you

experience it psychologically through

your feelings, thoughts and attitudes. It

impacts you socially as you interact with

others. You experience it physically as it

affects your health and is expressed in

bodily symptoms. Your body grieves and

your mind grieves.

It flits in and out of your life. It is a natural, normal, predictable, and expected reaction. It is not an abnormal response. In fact just the opposite is true. The absence of grief is abnormal. Grief is your own personal experience. Your loss does not have to be accepted or validated by others for you to experience and express grief.

Therese A. Rando, Grieving: How to God On Living When Someone You Love Dies

A hopeful Scripture which reflects upon this

is Psalm 73:26, “My mind and my body

may grow weak, but God is my strength;

he is all I ever need.”

“Each person’s grief is like all other

people’s grief, each person’s grief is like

some other person’s grief, and each

person’s grief is like no other person’s

grief.”

But why grief? Why do we have to go

through this experience? What is the

purpose? Grief responses express

basically three things:

* Through grief you express your

feeling about your loss.

* Through grief you express your

protest at the loss as well as your

desire to change what happened

and have it not be true.

* Through grief you express the effects

you have experienced from the

devastating impact of the loss.

Therese Rando

Grief is defined as intense emotional suffering caused by loss, disaster, misfortune, etc; acute sorrow; deep sadness.” The word is derived from a Latin verb meaning “to burden.”

Mourn is defined as “to feel or to express sorrow.” Mourning is the expression of grief.

Bereave means “to leave in a sad or lonely state, as loss or death.” In Old English the word meant “to deprive or rob.”

Loss produces an ache, an emptiness, a

sadness.

Crisis throws us off balance and into a

state of shock, panic and uncertainty.

Trauma is a wounding. It overwhelms our

senses and rewires our brain.

I. Let’s distinguish between Loss,

Crisis, and Trauma

L R

Loss

Crisis

Trauma

L R

Loss

Significant Loss or

Crisis

Trauma

Numbness

Stunned

Shock

Disorientation

Floods

It Overwhelms

L R

LossCrisis

Trauma

Trauma

May change brain

chemistry. Memory

deficit. Damage

to brain structure.

Trauma separates the

left and the right side

of the brain.

In normal time, you move from one

moment to the next, sunrise to sunset,

birth to death. After trauma, you may

move in circles, find yourself being

sucked backwards into an eddy, or

bouncing about like a rubber ball from

now to then, and back again.

Chief among the crimes that trauma

commits against the mind is the

distortions of memory it introduces. In the

face of terror, the mind skips straight over

some things and perversely overrecords

others.

You’re stuck with what one Marine calls “a

mind tattoo.”

One of the many paradoxes of trauma

damage occurs when you remember

too much, and damage occurs when

you remember too little.

David J. Morris, The Evil Hours

Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe

inside their body. The past is alive in the

form of gnawing interior discomfort.

Bessel van der Kolk

The Body Keeps Score

Traumatization is about being trapped in

the incomplete act of escape.

PTSD is having memories you don’t want to

have. It’s being led by the worst part of

your memory.

Trauma is a blister on the right side of the

brain.

But trauma is not a life sentence!

There is hope.

The “crazy” feelings of grief are actually

a sane response to grief. The following

examples are all symptoms of normal

grief:

• distorted thinking patterns, “crazy

and/or irrational thoughts, fearful

thoughts

• feelings of despair and hopelessness

• out of control or numbed emotions

• changes in sensory perceptions (sight,

tasted, smell, etc.)

• increased irritability

• may want to talk a lot or not at all

• memory lags and mental “short-

circuits”

• inability to concentrate

• obsessive focus on the loved one

• losing track of time

• increase or decrease of appetite

and/or sexual desire

• difficulty falling or staying asleep

• dreams in which the deceased seems

to visit the griever

• nightmares in which death themes are

repeated

• physical illness like the flu, headaches

or other maladies

• shattered beliefs about life, the world,

and even God

• face in the crowd syndrome

Grief will take longer than you’ve

imagined. It tends to intensify at

three months, special dates and the

one year anniversary.

Grief is a journey, a process and there

is resolution.

Identify or recognize invisible or

secondary losses.

friend

provider

handyman

cook

lover

bill payer

gardener

laundry person

companion

confidante

sports partner

mentor

checkbook balancer

prayer partner

mechanic

source of inspiration or

insight

identity

teacher

motivator

counselor

business partner

protector

errand person

organizer

encourager

in-law support

couple’s class

financial adjustment

social adjustment

feeling of safety

•tax preparer

•couple friends

When you lie down you shall not be afraid; yes, you shall lie down and your sleep shall be sweet. Be not afraid of sudden terror and strong, nor of the stormy blast or the storm and ruin of the wicked when it comes [for you will be guiltless], For the Lord shall be your confidence, firm and strong, and shall keep you foot from being caught [in a trap or hidden danger].

Proverbs 3:24-26, AMP

You will not be afraid when you go to bed

and you will sleep soundly through the

night.

Psalm 3:5, Good News Bible

If I’m sleepless at midnight, I spend the

hours in grateful reflection.

Psalm 63:6, The Msg

When my anxious thoughts multiply

within me, Your consolations delight

my soul. Psalm 94:19

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for

you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in

safety. Psalm 4:8

In a dream, a vision of the night

When sound sleep falls on men,

Then He opens the ears of men,

And seals their instruction. (Job 33:15-

16).

Dear God,

We give thanks for the darkness of the night where lies the world of dreams. Guide us closer to our dreams so that we may be nourished by them. Give us good dreams and memory of them so that we may carry their poetry and mystery into our daily lives

Grant us deep and restful sleep that we may wake refreshed with strength enough to renew a world grown tired.

We give thanks for the inspiration of stars,

the dignity of the moon and the lullabies

of crickets and frogs.

Let us restore the night and reclaim it as a

sanctuary of peace, where silence shall

be music to our hearts and darkness shall

throw light upon our souls. Good night.

Sweet dreams. Amen

Michael Leuing, A Common Prayer

Understanding and using the tasks of grief as your primary therapeutic approach

Task #1: Recognize and accept that your loved one has died and is unable to return.

Task #2: Express all the emotions associated with the death of your loved one.

Task #3: Identify, summarize, and find a place to store the memories of your loved one which will honor the life of that person and make room to move on.

Task #4: Identify who you are now, independent of your prior connection with your loved one.

Task #5: Reinvest in life as an individual without your deceased loved one. You have a new normal.

1) Through grief you express your

feelings about your loss.

2) Through grief you express your

protest at the loss

3) Through grief you express the

effects you have experienced from

the loss.

1) The person in grief needs to find the

words for the loss.

2) Say the words aloud.

3) Know that the words have been

heard.

Without

Intruder

Yearning

Ache

Unreality

Fog

Some individuals are intuitive grievers.

For them:

1. Feelings are intensely experienced.

They want and need to express them.

Some individuals are instrumental

grievers.

1. They think of their grief more than feel

it: Feelings are less intense.

The parents as well as three siblings of a twenty-three-year-old woman came in for grief counseling. All were neat, well dressed and fairly quiet. The parents were first to speak about their daughter. They began with a description which characterized her as a quality young woman, their first born in the family. She was gifted in every area of her life and had a bright future ahead of her.

The parents went into great detail about her abilities and accomplishments, stopping every now and then because of their inability to talk. Often all five were in tears. Two weeks prior she and her seven-month old unborn child and her mother-in-law were driving on a freeway when a truck struck and killed all of them. Since that time every member of this family has been struggling.

Questions

1. How would you begin this session?

Describe your exact words.

2. What would be your goal in this initial

session?

3. What would you say or ask to engage

the three siblings?

4.What would you want them to take

away from this session in a tangible

way?

5. Based on this information identify all

the possible grievers.

6. What are the factors which contribute

to this loss being a complicated

grieving process?

1. After greeting each person I would

validate the fact they have experienced

a great loss in their life. If I didn’t know

already I would ask the name of the

daughter as well as the mother-in-law

and whenever I made reference to

either I would use their name rather than

refer to them in a general way. One of

the first questions I ask is, “Tell me about

(the daughter) and

have each of the family respond.

Too often children are left out of the

interaction. After each has responded

my next question is, “Would you

describe for me what the last two

weeks has been like” so each has a

chance to tell their story. Within this I

often ask how they heard the news

and to describe their reaction.

2. My goal is to have them tell their story

and then normalize for them what they

are experiencing and educate them

about grief and what to expect in the

future (using the handout on the “Crazy

Feelings of Grief”). I’d also want to find

out about their support system as well as

giving some suggestions to eliminate the

pressure of other individuals.

I also mention that each of them may

grieve in a different way and with a

different intensity. That’s all right and

it’s not a sign that the other person

doesn’t care if their grief is less intense.

I ask, “How can the other family

members support you at this time?”

3. Some of the questions directed toward the parents could be asked of the siblings. I also let everyone know that I would be willing to meet with each one individually. One reason for this is the deceased was described as a “special gifted” individual but was she in the eyes of the siblings? Sometimes even in the initial session I ask for a favorite memory from siblings.

Some may have a mixture of feelings. At

some point I would ask the parents and

siblings alike if there was any unfinished

business or issues between them and the

deceased or if there was something they

wished they could have said to her

before she died. If so, I would suggest

writing a detailed letter and reading it

aloud at the place of internment.

4. I would like each one to believe there will be help for all of them during the months and years ahead of them. Any suggestions or recommendations made need to be put in writing such as the list of “Crazy Feelings of Grief,” etc. I would give each one a copy of Experiencing Grief as well, and suggest they read it when they’re ready.

I also let them know that it is normal not

to remember what they read at this

time. I send home a DVD called Tear

Soup and ask them to watch this

together.

5. There are two other family members

who were lost as well. It would be easy

to ignore them and gloss over this loss.

I would ask about them as well as the

effect this loss is having. For the

parents, the loss is a grandchild which

is major.

The possible grievers would include

husband, aunts, uncles, cousins,

friends, fellow workers, pastors,

church, ob gyn, husband’s family,

grandparents, truck driver, and similar

group of individuals. It’s important to

consider who will minister to them and

how.

One of our tasks is to identify neglected

grievers and reach out to them as

well. Sending or giving them

Experiencing Grief as well as making

available copies of Tear Soup has

been helpful.

6. Not only was this a sudden death but it

was a multiple tragedy involving

someone’s child and unborn grandchild.

There could be the possibility of legal

complications because it was a

vehicular accident. The way in which the

notification was made could be a factor

as well. (Refer to the section on sudden

death for additional information).