ONLY WE KNOW BEST Book, lyrics and score by Jason Powell CHARACTERS as introduced Margaret ‘Meg’ Givens, the town selectman Beth Lewinski Joe, the intern Ryan Krueger Davis Tryon, representative of #UnitedStatesFirst Bob Hirschi Paula, representative of #UnitedStatesFirst Jasmine Ridgell Sondra, representative of #UnitedStatesFirst Tess Masias Agatha Bertram, a college professor Liz Norton Jameson Mukos, a scientist, creationist, Alt-Right advocate Colin Daly William Osgood, a coal miner Dan Slane Cheryl Strepp, a Hollywood actress Andrea Moser Sister Betty Carlyle, a Catholic nun Laura Spencer Loni Crenshaw, a Jehovah’s Witness Hannah Esch Barbara Howell, a bible-thumper Christie Burgess Daniel Bristow, a Christian scientist Ben Kordus Jennifer McLure, a democrat Liz Shipe Mikaela Love, a psychology student Brittany Green Katherine ‘Kate’ Mary Ritch, a Catholic schoolgirl Briana Lipor Ashley, a Catholic schoolgirl Marika Marklin Julie, a Catholic schoolgirl Clare Czechowicz Shannon, a Catholic schoolgirl Anna Hecht Jay Austin, a military veteran Chad Larget Bryan Shriver, an elitist Eric Welch Ella Pierson, Tea Party member Ana Gonzales Edgar Simms, the CEO of Jaxxov Oil Henry Hammond Steven Breitbart, Alt-Right advocate Ben Ludwig Milo, Alt-Right advocate Keith Smith Bill, Alt-Right advocate Manny Lupian Lesley Love, a young nouveau-hippy Becky Cofta Citizen Anieya Anieya Walker Citizen Christine Christine Esche Citizen Bill Donnie Williams

SETTING A Town-Hall Meeting The present (ish)

ONLY WE KNOW BEST Libretto by Jason Powell ACT ONE [Lights up on a bare stage, with a podium.] [Enter MIKAELA, nervously, looking around for an empty seat. As she heads to a seat, she talks to the audience, ad-libbing in character. "Is this the Town Hall Meeting?" "I'm not late, am I?" "Okay, so we haven't started yet?" "Sorry, I've never been to one of these before." "I thought it was supposed to start at 7:30, and it's already 7:33 ..." etc. Eventually finds her seat and settles in.] [Enter EVERYONE ELSE, except MEG and CHERYL.] [JOE, JENNIFER, AGATHA, BRYAN, JAY, PAULA, SONDRA, DAVIS, and KATE remain on stage to sing. The rest of the cast, minus MEG (and CHERYL, who will come in later), all take their seats.] [SONG: ONLY WE KNOW WHAT’S BEST] JOE I’m a liberal through and through And there is so much work to do, To make America less inhumane. AGATHA I’m a lifelong democrat, And not at all ashamed of that. My passion for reform I won’t restrain. JOE/AGATHA We want a world where life is fair. We care for all. So much, we care. Our voices will not be suppressed! ‘Cause only we know, Only we know, Only we know best! JAY I’m a proud conservative. I wish I had more lives to give Protecting this great nation, ardently. PAULA I swing firmly to the right. I call upon us to unite; Let’s show how patriotic we can be!

JAY/PAULA/DAVIS For we must keep this land secure, In order for it to endure. Our country shall not be oppressed. So trust us, we know, Only we know, Only we know best! PAULA/DAVIS/SONDRA Our borders, they must be defended; All illegals apprehended. AGATHA/BRYAN/JENNIFER America is imperfect, Privilege going so unchecked. PAULA But there are people that you’ll come upon Who are blind to everything that’s going on. They make some arguments you’d not believe: Filled with lies, and willfully naïve. Although it is so very obvious, The course of action that is best for us, It’s a knowledge that they will not heed. And that is why they need To let us take the lead. AGATHA/JENNIFER/JOE/DAVIS/JAY/SONDRA/PAULA/BRYAN Yes, there are people that you’ll come upon Who are blind to everything that’s going on. They make some arguments you’d not believe, Filled with lies, and willfully naïve. Although it is so very obvious, The course of action that is best for us, It’s a knowledge that they will not heed. And that is why they need To stand aside and let us take the country’s lead. KATE Liberals, conservatives … Each have got their narratives, Expressed in mirror-image rhetoric. “The Left’s not right.” “The Right’s all wrong.” Different words, but one same song. Two brains in one body politic.

BRYAN JAY KATE DAVIS/PAULA/SONDRA I’m a liberal through and through/I’m a proud conservative./Liberals, conservatives … Our borders, they And there is so much work to do,/I wish I had more lives to give/Each have got their narratives,/must be defended. To make America Protecting this great nation Expressed in mirror-image All illegals less inhumane. ardently rhetoric. apprehended I’m a lifelong democrat, /I swing firmly to the right./“The left’s not right.” “The right’s all wrong.” JOE/JENNIFER/AGATHA And not at all ashamed of that. I call upon us to unite; /Different words, but one same song. America is imperfect, My passion for reform Let’s show how patriotic Two brains in Privilege going so unchecked. I won’t restrain. we can be. one body politic.

AGATHA/JENNIFER/JOE/DAVIS/JAY/SONDRA/PAULA/BRYAN/KATE Indecision, indiscretion, Condescension and aggression. Fear and fraud and foolish pride, But only on the other side. [Each person points to someone on the opposite political side.] We just go ‘round and ‘round. The two sides can’t find common ground, By now it’s clear for all to see. There’s just one thing Oh, just one thing On which we agree: That our great nation’s torn in half. Let that not be our epitaph! The problem’s got to be addressed. But only we know, Only we know, Only we know best! JOE/AGATHA/JENNIFER/BRYAN Only we know, Only we know, Only we know best! DAVIS/SONDRA/PAULA/JAY Only we know, Only we know, Only we know best! ALL [including the cast members who are seated] Only we know, Only we know, Only we know best! [END OF SONG] [At song’s end, all singers take their seats, except for JOE, who remains on stage, retrieving some papers and folders from a compartment in the podium.] [Enter MEG.]

MEG Thanks, everyone, for attending this evening’s town hall. I’m your town selectman, Margaret Givens, and by the power invested in me, I now bring this Town Hall Meeting officially to order. Joe, what’s the first item on the docket? Everybody, this is Joe, my assistant. I tell ya, the guy’s indispensable. I couldn’t find my socks without him! JOE You’re missing a pair of socks, chief? Aw, jeez, I had no idea! What can I do? Where’s the last place you saw them? I could make some posters, put them up them around the city … MEG Relax, Joe. I was employing an idiom. JOE Oh, right. MEG What’s the first item we’re debating today? JOE [shuffles through the bundle of papers and folders which he always carries with him.] Well, today’s Town Hall is mainly concerning the new public sculpture being proposed. Y’know, up in Matthews Park? MEG Ah, yes. The one by Carol Jurgens. I love her work. JOE I think it’s a “him,” sir. MEG I love his work. As I recall, the artist was going to provide us with a miniature mock-up of the piece he’s planning. Let’s have a look! JOE Well, chief, I checked the mail, and … it hasn’t arrived yet. MEG Oy. Okay, well, I guess we can table that issue until the mock-up arrives. What’s the next item? [DAVIS, in audience, stands, as do SONDRA and PAULA.] DAVIS Not so fast! MEG Sorry, sir, who are you?

DAVIS The name’s Davis Tryon! JOE [shuffling papers] Um, Mr. Tryon and his two associates are here representing “Naaaaah.” DAVIS It’s not “Naaaaah!” We’re the N double-A triple-A H! MEG Wow, five A’s? DAVIS Five A’s!!! And we object to this sculpture! JOE “Naaaaah” is an anti-welfare advocacy group, sir. DAVIS What are you deaf, kid? Or do you just not pay attention? So typical. JOE What do you mean “typical”? DAVIS I just told you it’s not “Naaaaah!” It’s N double-A triple-A H! It stands for “Normal Americans Against Any and All Handouts!” Our tax money shouldn’t be given out to shiftless so-called “artists” … MEG [good naturedly] Oh, I see where this is going! But there’s nothing for Naaaah to worry – DAVIS N double-A triple-A H! MEG There’s nothing for the N double-A triple-A H to worry about. This isn’t a government-sponsored project. It will be publicly displayed, but the sculpture has been funded by a private corporation headquartered in the city. The Jaxxov Oil Company’s headquarters has a big lawn out front, which currently … DAVIS Doesn’t matter! We looked into this “Jurgens” character, and it turns out that over the course of his so-called “career” he’s gotten several so-called “grants” from the government. I don’t want this guy’s work cluttering up a town like this, one full of hardworking Americans – MEG

Well hold on, don’t you want to at least see what the sculpture is going to look like before you completely dismiss it? [pause] DAVIS Naaaah. MEG Fair enough. DAVIS We can’t be promoting someone like this, who spent half his life mooching off of tax-payer dollars. It’s the principle of the thing. It goes to the heart of what my group stands for, and what I’m here to discuss. MEG All right, well, you have the floor. [SONG: NO ONE DESERVES A HANDOUT] DAVIS I’ve come today With something to say; I’ve got my statement planned out. I think that we All can agree That no one deserves a handout! DAVIS/SONDRA/PAULA No one, no one, no one, no one, no one deserves a handout! I do not toil and strive like crazy Only to subsidize the lazy. We’d be a greater country all ‘round If food stamps were stamped into the ground! DAVIS More than a few Share my point of view. In a crowd, I would not stand out! I’m not alone When you hear me moan That no one deserves a handout! DAVIS/SONDRA/PAULA No one, no one, no one, no one, no one deserves a handout! By god, we’re not financial backers For a cabal of tattooed slackers.

Welfare can claim to be a success As it’s depended on less and less! DAVIS Americans all, Please heed my call! Pull your heads from the sand out! The welfare state Deserves your hate And no one deserves a handout! DAVIS/SONDRA/PAULA No one, no one, no one, no one, no one deserves a handout! Welfare is there to help the needy, Not be exploited by the greedy. So do not clutch at my purse-string … Nobody owes you anything! Welfare is there to help the needy, Not be exploited by the greedy. So do not clutch at my purse-string … Nobody owes you anything! [END OF SONG] [DAVIS, SONDRA and PAULA sit down.] MEG Well! You’ve certainly raised some points well worth discussing. Let’s get this conversation started. Does anyone have a counter-argument they’d like to -- [AGATHA stands.] AGATHA Ahem! MEG Yes, ma’am! Your name please? JOE [shuffling papers] This is Agatha Bertram, a professor at Frere Jaque University DAVIS Oh, perfect. That namby pamby so-called “college.” JOE Hey, I graduated from Frere Jacque! DAVIS

What a surprise. JOE And what’s that supposed to mean … ? MEG Professor Bertram, you have something to say to Mr. Tryon here? AGATHA I have something to say to all of you regarding proper discourse. I heard Mr. Tryon use the word “crazy” during his tirade. This is an extremely harsh word, a “trigger-word” we call it, to people who have suffered from mental illness. DAVIS Oh boy … AGATHA And that’s just one trigger to be avoided. There are several. DAVIS Who’d have guessed. MEG Professor, you have the floor. [SONG: MORAL OUTRAGE] [Note: Whoever is near the Agatha in the staging, including JOE and MEG, can sing backup on this song. Or the entire cast can sing backups, if that works logistically.] AGATHA Please allow me to educate you On the subject of free speech. I don’t intend to inundate you; Simply listen and I will teach! But first! For us to all speak freely, Words cannot be used in haste. From our lexicon, ideally, Certain terms should be erased. You cannot say “Hey guys!” When you’re greeting your pals. Think of what that implies To the ones who are gals. Now please, don’t demur, Not in this day and age, For you just might stir My moral outrage!

BACKUP SINGERS Yes, you might stir Her moral outrage! AGATHA For our discourse to have freedom, There are words I’ve thought about, Which -- because we do not need ‘em -- Can be cast the hell right out. If there’s something you find curious, Don’t say “crazy;” that term is bad. Pick something that’s less injurious To a person who’s gone mad. Avoid “bitch” if you can. That’s a most hurtful oath. Whether woman or man, It’s insulting to both. Now please do not yawn. Do not disengage, Or you might switch on My moral outrage! BACKUP SINGERS Please, do not yawn At her moral outrage! AGATHA You must un-learn old expressions, For our language is way past due To be cleansed of micro-aggressions. That’s why I force these rules on you. If you should notice that you’ve depicted Something fierce as, quote, “on crack,” Think of someone who’s drug addicted. In his face, that is a smack! And for insults these days, The word “gay” is all done. It’s offensive to gays. (That’s an obvious one.) Now please do not scoff. It’s a war that we wage! You don’t want to set off My moral outrage!

BACKUP SINGERS Please, do not scoff At her moral outrage! AGATHA I will argue with directness. I will fight with nail and tooth For political correctness: The only way to speak the truth! That said, since it can so often Have a negative effect, We’re consigning to the coffin The phrase “Politically correct.” It is not a joke. We’re at a critical stage! So don’t make me invoke My moral outrage! BACKUP SINGERS It’s not a joke, Her moral outrage! AGATHA Let’s all do the math. Let’s get on the same page. Lest you all feel the wrath Of my moral outrage! BACKUP SINGERS You will feel the wrath Of her moral outrage! AGATHA I’m on the warpath! It will be a blood bath If you quarrel With my moral Outrage! [END OF SONG] [AGATHA sits.] MEG Well, we’ll keep that in mind. AGATHA

That’s all I ask. After all, no one can be expected to speak freely if they’re allowed to say anything they want. [awkward pause.] MEG Right … JOE So, um, do you have any opinions on the sculpture being built in front of Jaxxov Corporate Headquarters? AGATHA Frankly, I object morally to anything associated with Jaxxov Oil. Why, their contributions to climate change alone are horrendous. JOE Well, that’s certainly indisputable. [JAMESON stands.] JAMESON I dispute it! MEG Your name, sir? JAMESON I’m meteorologist Jameson Mukos. JOE And you’re saying Jaxxov hasn’t contributed to climate change? JAMESON Of course they have! But honestly … is climate change really so bad a thing? JOE Isn’t it? JAMESON The answer may surprise you! [SONG: THE “CLIMATE CHANGE” CHA-CHA] JAMESON Listen to me, I’m a scientist! And just like you, I’ve certainly noticed … More and more, it’s becoming the norm For our globe to be luxuriously warm.

Oh, feel the hot, hot breeze Blowing through the trees! Everybody, won’t you join me, please? Let’s all get together And enjoy the weather! In the shade, it’s a hundred degrees. Cha-cha-cha! Listen to me, and the tale I tell. My magic words will cast a hot, hot spell. You’ll find no reason to reject All of the wonders of the Greenhouse effect! Let me appease You with my expertise! As many as one person agrees. An endless summer Is surely no bummer, According to my theories. Cha-cha-cha! Listen to me, for I will share All of my knowledge, all of my hot air! The sensation of elevated CO2 Is like a soft blanket wrapped around you. You can believe all of these Final analyses. No special interest is paying my fees. I’m just a lone truth seeker, And a keynote speaker At some corporate events and parties Within the manufacturing industries, Held by coal mines and oil companies … With sites they’ve built in third-world countries. Also dry-cleaners and car factories, And maybe a few tanneries … And one place that makes lead batteries. Hey! How ‘bout a final reprise? So feel the hot, hot breeze Blowing through the trees! Oh, everybody, won’t you join me, please? Become a believer: Catch the burning fever! In the shade, it’s a hundred degrees. In the shade, it’s a thousand degrees. In the shade, it’s a million degrees! Cha-cha-cha!

[END OF SONG] [JAMESON sits.] JOE Well, sorry to disagree with you, Mr. Mukos, but I think it’s totes horrible that the earth’s temperature is becoming so high. DAVIS What’s the matter, kid? Afraid that you’ll melt, along with your fellow snowflakes? JOE [trying to ignore him] The point is, we can’t afford to limit the power of agencies like the EPA, who are working to reduce greenhouse emissions. JAMESON I think the EPA tends to overreact to things. JOE Oh, please! Companies like Jaxxov need to be watched, or they’ll poison all of us. Switching to cleaner energy is obviously the best for everyone. After all – [WILLIAM clears his throat.] MEG Hello, sir! You have something to say about the sculpture? [WILLIAM stands.] WILLIAM Don’t reckon I do. But I have something to get off my chest. MEG Go right ahead. You have the floor, Mr. …? WILLIAM Osgood. William Osgood. I used to be a coal miner down in Kentucky. Not anymore. MEG I’m sorry. WILLIAM Thanks, but I don’t need your pity. I’ll be okay. Other folks I know, though … Well, let me tell you my story, and you can decide for yourself. [SONG: THE COAL MINER’S TALE] WILLIAM They say “Keep the world clean.”

And “Keep the world green.” “Save the earth.” “Save the planet.” That’s what they say. But friends, I can show You some things you don’t know Of the damage dealt out by the EPA. You might think of those letters As something that betters The world all around us, for that’s what they claim. The picture’s deceiving. And are they achieving The goals for which they so self-righteously aim? Now picture with me A community That thrived for years -- an American dream -- As its people mined And then refined Kentucky coal from a very rich seam. You might hear that mining Jobs had been declining Due to mechanization, and yes, they’d lost some. But the uncomplicated Truth is, they’d created Among them an equilibrium. Then the EPA stepped in one fateful year; They instituted certain regulations. And everybody heard them loud and clear, As the agency made troubling declarations. The most disturbing: Carbon dioxide, Long known to be among the greenhouse gasses Was now as a pollutant classified, And that myth quickly spread among the masses. This fairy-tale -- That a gas we exhale Is as deadly a poison as any conceived -- It was bought and sold, And a stranglehold On the energy industry soon was achieved. Certain towns in Kentucky Were amongst the unlucky, As the mining companies -- both grand and slight -- Started shrinking discreetly, Then dying completely … Thousands of jobs lost overnight.

So we see the results For these scores of adults Whose existences’ bedrock was built upon coal: Careers gone bust. Their livelihoods dust. Their dignity forfeit, in line for the dole. Then came more abuses, As the plant that produces The town’s local power was forced in a trice To use new ingredients, And it switched with expedience To natural gas, at consid’rable price. So the townspeople -- with their resilient wills Already dealt a blow severely crippling -- Saw further insult in their power bills, The cost of power doubling; even tripling. And that’s my tale, of lives that were destroyed By an agency of what they call “protections.” Thousands upon thousands unemployed, With no one there to heed the town’s objections. So often these days, We’re told about ways To show tenderness, kindness and decency To the weak, the oppressed, To the low, the distressed, The forlorn fellow members of humanity. But where’s the compassion For the souls rendered ashen, For the lives of these honest and hard-working folk? It seems no one remembers Or perceives the faint embers Of entire communities gone up in smoke. [END OF SONG] [After song, MEG goes to shake WILLIAM’s hand.] MEG Thank you, sir. I wish I knew what to say. WILLIAM [sitting] I didn’t come here looking for solutions. I don’t know if there is a solution. I just know there are a lot of good, hardworking people whose way of life disappeared. I wish more people cared about that.

JOE What can someone do to help you guys out? AGATHA [gets up on stage to join MEG and JOE] Um, excuse me …? JOE What? AGATHA You “guys”? JOE Oh, right. [to William:] What can someone do to help you people out? AGATHA Thank you! WILLIAM Well … that’s a long conversation right there … [During the previous lines, unnoticed by Meg, Joe or William … CHERYL has come from the audience to stand at the podium in the middle of the stage.] CHERYL I believe I know what can help. The arts. JOE [turning, amazed] Oh my gosh! Cheryl Strepp! You’re totes famous! CHERYL Yes, I am. Famous … for my art. MEG This is amazing. What are you doing here? CHERYL Inspiring people, that’s what. Reminding the everyman … AGATHA Um, excuse me … ? CHERYL Reminding the everyperson … AGATHA Thank you! CHERYL

… that in their times of darkness, there is always something greater than them. Something they can look to, for inspiration and guidance. AGATHA That’s beautiful. CHERYL Yes, it is. Why, without this bright guiding power, what would people have? Only football and mixed martial arts, that’s what. JOE Wow. CHERYL Yes, what America needs, now more than ever … is movies. MEG Gee. CHERYL Movies … and the beautiful human beings who star in them. Oh, look up, America. Look up! … To people like me. [MEG, JOE and AGATHA are by now completely starstruck, almost hypnotized. As CHERYL’s song begins, the three immediately take up position as her back-up singers.] [SONG: LET THE STARS GUIDE YOU] CHERYL When you’re feeling scared and confused … BACKUP SINGERS (Deep down inside you!) CHERYL Alone and hurt, and badly abused … BACKUP SINGERS (With happiness always denied you!) CHERYL If your life is made up of endless nightmares, And you think that no one in the world cares, Put your faith in Hollywood millionaires! CHERYL/ BACKUP SINGERS Let the stars guide you! CHERYL You’re out of shape and behind on bills.

BACKUP SINGERS (Your office job has fried you!) CHERYL You’ve started to doubt your parenting skills. BACKUP SINGERS (Your kids have all defied you!) CHERYL But although you are failure incarnate, Take comfort whenever you ruminate On how famous people are so freaking great! CHERYL/ BACKUP SINGERS Let the stars guide you! CHERYL So you’re heartbroken, hated, and always put down. BACKUP SINGERS (Because nobody can abide you!) CHERYL Think of celebrities in Tinsel Town. BACKUP SINGERS (Like gods, they do bestride you!) CHERYL In the final analysis, at the day’s end, To the working man, who is more of a friend Than someone who’s paid to play pretend? CHERYL/ BACKUP SINGERS Let the stars guide you! CHERYL Now your time’s growing short; you haven’t much more. BACKUP SINGERS (In the ground, they soon will hide you!) CHERYL Your bones are brittle; you’re stiff and you’re sore. BACKUP SINGERS (Time has calcified you!) CHERYL

But when the sun, it finally sets On your wasted life, so full of regrets, Just picture us driving cherry Corvettes, Smoking imported clove cigarettes, Sipping champagne in our private jets, Buying and breeding endangered pets, And giving each other gold statuettes …! [On this line, JOE has retrieved a golden statue from somewhere in the podium, and he presents it to THE ACTRESS.] CHERYL/ BACKUP SINGERS Let the stars guide you! [END OF SONG] CHERYL [holding up statue, addressing the crowd as she exits.] Thank you so much for this. Thank you. Thank you, truly. [AGATHA goes back to her seat during all of this, albeit less ostentatiously.] MEG That was utterly amazing. JOE Totes. MEG I have seen every movie she’s been in. I adore that woman. JOE I worship her. SISTER BETTY [standing] Now, excuse me! I don’t think celebrities are people who ought to be worshipped. MEG Oh, hello! And you are … ? SISTER BETTY Sister Betty Carlyle, instructor at St. Victoria’s School for Girls. I’ve brought a few of my charges with me here today [gestures to KATE and her three fellow Catholic schoolgirls, ASHLEY, JULIE, and SHANNON, seated behind her], and all of us are here to represent the Catholic Church at this town-hall. JOE [once again consulting his notes, folders, etc.] Ah, yes. Sir, Sister Carlyle is here along with representatives from several other Christian denominations, including Loni Crenshaw of the Jehovah’s Witnesses … [LONI, who was sitting right next to SISTER BETTY, stands.]

LONI [sings a capella] I worship one almighty God, whose name Is Jehovah-vah-vah-vah! Prosthletyzing is what I do! Sing hallelujah-jah-jah-jah! After death, no one burns in eternal flame! They just pass away-way-way-way! But Jehovah will resurrect those who are true One day-day-day-day-day-day-day! [Like SISTER BETTY, LONI remains standing after her introduction.] MEG Great, good to know, good to know. So, shall we move on? JOE Not yet sir. We also have Daniel Bristow of the Christian Scientists … [DANIEL, who was sitting right next to the LONI, stands.] DANIEL [sings a capella] Any time you Have got cold or flu, Or feel blah blah blah blah blah blah, You just have to pray, And it will go away! Oh, yah, yah yah yah yah yah! When a bad illness has you at death’s door, I’ll pray for you. I will, yes, I will! And as soon as you’re fit and healthy once more, I’ll send you my bill, my bill! [DANIEL remains standing.] MEG Very charitable. Anyone else? JOE Yes, from the Church of the Creationists …[seeing name on his document] … oh jeez … Jameson Mukos. [JAMESON, who was sitting right next to the DANIEL, stands.] JAMESON Hello again! MEG Wow. Climate change AND evolution, huh? JAMESON

I won’t bow to secular orthodoxy. What can I say? I’m a rebel. [Begins singing a capella.] Matter and space and energy And such phenomena-na-na-na-na; Time, vibration and gravity… Each one is God’s law-law-law-law-law. In God’s own image, He did mankind create, And what other image could be finer? A monkey’s OK, but God is just great, And He’s such an intelligent designer. [JAMESON remains standing.] MEG Very moving. Who’s next? JOE Finally we have Barbara Howell, from Our Lady of Unfair Religious Caricatures. [BARBARA, who was sitting right next to JAMESON, stands.] BARBARA Thank you for having me, and may I just say that most everyone in this room will go to Hell after they die. [Awkward pause, as the other four Christian representatives look at BARBARA, utterly aghast. BARBARA looks back at them, unperturbed.] BARBARA What? You were all thinking it. [She begins to sing a capella.] God must weep when He looks down upon America-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca! Morals and manners? We blinked; now they’re gone, Voila-la-la-la-la-la! If two men wish to wed, Or share the same bed, They’ve taken sin to a new level. And if you sell your soul To play rock ‘n’ roll, I’ve no sympathy for such a devil. [BARBARA remains standing.] MEG Well, this has been very educational, and I respect all your beliefs equally, but – SISTER BETTY Oh, don’t do that. MEG

Don’t do what? SISTER BETTY You can respect all of our beliefs, of course. But not equally. After all, Catholicism deserves a little extra veneration, given just how long we’ve thrived. [Begins to sing.] [SONG: CHRISTIANITY (A QUINTET)] SISTER BETTY [sings the following for five consecutive rounds] Join our church of faith and hope! Hallelujah, Hallelujah! Heed the authority of the Pope! Hallelujah! Let us revere and hold so dear Our one divine Creator. Catholics won’t be outdone; Our Church was the first one! Those other guys came later. LONI [begins singing one the second round, and does four rounds total] I worship one almighty God, whose name Is Jehovah-vah-vah-vah! Prosthletyzing is what I do! Sing hallelujah-jah-jah-jah! After death, no one burns in eternal flame! They just pass away-way-way-way! But Jehovah will resurrect those who are true One day-day-day-day-day-day-day! DANIEL [begins singing on the third round, and does three rounds total] Any time you Have got cold or flu, Or feel blah blah blah blah blah blah, You just have to pray! It will go away! Oh, yah, yah yah yah yah yah! So when a bad illness has you at death’s door, I’ll pray for you. I will, I will! And as soon as you’re fit and healthy once more, I’ll send to you my bill, my bill! JAMESON [begins singing on the fourth round, and does two rounds total] Matter, space and energy And such phenomena-na-na-na-na; Time, vibration and gravity… Each one is God’s law-law-law-law-law. In God’s own image, He did mankind create, And what other image could be finer? A monkey’s OK, but God is just great,

And He’s such an intelligent designer. BARBARA [sings only on the final (fifth) round] God must weep when He looks down upon America-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca! Morals and manners? We blinked; now they’re gone, Voila-la-la-la-la-la! If two men wish to wed, Or share the same bed, They’ve taken sin to a new level. And if you sell your soul To play rock ‘n’ roll, I’ve no sympathy for such a devil. [END OF SONG] [All Christians sit.] MEG Thank you all for that tune. It was catchy, and we all learned something too. JOE I can’t say I’m too impressed with how judgmental a couple of those verses were. AGATHA [from her seat] Neither was I! DAVIS [from his seat] Oh, get over yourselves. JOE I just don’t see that it’s anybody else’s business if two people of the same sex want to be together. MEG Joe, remember, we’re here to moderate. Let’s not get too wrapped up in things. If somebody here wants to address the topic of same-sex marriage, then they can. But for now, let’s try to stick to the agenda. We were talking about a sculpture … Did that mock-up get here yet by the way? JOE I don’t know, sir. It was supposed to be here hours ago, but … JENNIFER [standing] Excuse me. MEG Yes?

JENNIFER Hello. My name is Jennifer McLure. I’m a gay woman. Which isn’t at all what I came here to discuss, but we seem to have opened the door for it. I think some people don’t realize what it’s meant for me, and for others … That we’ve recently been granted certain freedoms. Finally. To come out. To marry the one you love. To be less ashamed. MEG Well, we welcome all voices here. You’re certainly welcome to talk about it now. JENNIFER Like I said, I didn’t prepare a statement about it or anything. I don’t typically make a point of talking about this. But … well, today I suppose I’m making an exception. MEG You have the floor. [SONG: INTO THE LIGHT] JENNIFER When I was very young, I lived within The darkness of knowing I did not belong. Being told my very nature was a sin … Being told that what was in my heart was wrong … For years, my love and I had lived our lives in shadow, Hidden out of sight, Never in the light. After years, now I feel I can begin To emerge at last from behind this barricade. Be at home, here inside my skin … Be at home, out of the concealing shade … And now, my love and I can live our lives with passion. Honest and forthright, We can come into the light. Our future clear and bright, We can step into the light. After years and years of night, We have come into the light. We have come into the light. [END OF SONG] MEG Thank you for that. JOE

You’ve certainly proven my point. To oppose same-sex marriage is bigotry, pure and simple. MIKAELA [rising, nervously] Pardon me … MEG Yes? MIKAELA Could I say … just one or two things? MEG Sure … MIKAELA I … um …. Sorry, I’m not used to public speaking. I actually just came here to observe. I’m a psyche major at the university. PAULA There’s a useful major. DAVIS Ha! MIKAELA My name is, um, Mikaela. Mikaela Love. I’m doing a paper on social psychology, and I wanted to observe an event like this … lots of different group dynamics. You know? MEG Sure. MIKAELA Yeah. [awkward pause] MEG So … what did you want to say? MIKAELA Just that from a psychological perspective … PAULA Here comes the psychobabble. MIKAELA … an opposition to same-sex marriage could be seen as simply an adherence to tradition, and tradition can be a very positive binding force for a community.

PAULA The kid’s got a point! MIKAELA That said, there is also -- DAVIS [talking over] Yeah! Tradition! There’s nothing wrong with wanting to preserve the sanctity of marriage. JOE Whatevs! “Sanctity” is just a pretty word for sexism and homophobia. DAVIS Typical answer from someone your age. You kids don’t have respect for any good, old-fashioned values. KATE [standing] That’s not true! MEG And you are? KATE Katherine Mary Ritch. You can call me Kate. NUN She’s one of my girls! MEG Oh, right, from the Catholic school. You have something to say? KATE Absolutely! I just want people to know that not all young people are immoral and corrupt! Some of us still believe in sanctity and purity and godly innocence! Stand up, girls! [ASHLEY, SHANNON and JULIE stand.] We four are the St. Victoria’s School For Girls’ Chastity Club. And we’d like to talk to you today about the importance of remaining immaculate. [The four leave the audience and head towards the stage.] MEG Great. Excellent use of our time. Joe, why don’t you sneak off for a bit and see if that sculpture mock-up has arrived yet. JOE [smittenly watching the girls as they get on stage] Right now, sir? I feel like this is something I want to see. MEG Just go!

JOE Yes sir! [JOE exits.] MEG All right, young lady, I guess you have the floor. KATE This is our club’s official theme song! [SONG: THE ST. VICTORIA SCHOOL FOR GIRLS CHASTITY CLUB OFFICIAL THEME SONG] KATE The only way is abstinence! ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON Abstinence! Oh, abstinence! KATE We’re speaking out in its defense! ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON In its passionate defense! KATE Despite teenage insecurity, We vow to KATE/ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON Keep our purity! Oh, yes! KATE The only way is abstinence ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON Abstinence! Oh, abstinence! KATE The temptation can be intense! ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON So intense! Yes, so intense! KATE For teens, the pressure is immense! ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON So immense! Yes, so immense!

KATE But despite what boys are urgin’, all Of us will KATE/ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON Remain virginal. Oh, yes! KATE The only way is abstinence! ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON Abstinence! Oh, abstinence! [At some point, JOE has returned. KATE sings the bridge partly to him, and he is smitten as she does so.] KATE It can be scary … ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON Very scary! KATE … So very scary … ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON Very scary! KATE … To delay Until the day You finally marry! ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON Very scary, very scary KATE But if you stay braced, Then you’ll remain chaste! Just keep on waitin’, So that by Satan You won’t be debased! In future, past and present tense … ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON Future, past and present tense! KATE

It makes, and made, and will make sense! ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON So much sense! Oh, so much sense! KATE For sex, we do not care at all … Not if KATE/ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON It’s pre-marital. Oh, yes! KATE The only way is abstinence! Oh, yes! KATE/ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON Yes, yes, YES! KATE The only way is KATE/ASHLEY/JULIE/SHANNON Abstinence! [END OF SONG] [All four get off stage and begin returning to their seats.] MEG Well, thank you, ladies. Nothing makes people less interested in sex than four girls dancing around in Catholic school uniforms. I mean, look, you clearly converted Joe to your cause. [MEG looks at JOE, who is still silently gazing at KATE as she and the others return to the audience.] Joe? Hey, Joe! JOE [snapping out of it] Yes, sir! What? Yes, sir? MEG What’s that slip of paper you’re holding? JOE Oh yeah! No mock-up yet … MEG Oy! JOE

… but Mr. Jurgens sent an email talking a little bit about the sculpture and what it will be like. I printed it out so you could read it. MEG Why don’t you read it to all of us? JOE You got it! “To whom it may concern. Thank you for your interest in my latest artistic undertaking. I am quite excited about this three-dimensional working, which I wish to represent as an abstracted collage of composited solidly substantial forms.” [Looking up from paper.] This sounds cool! “It will be a commentary on our America’s lost and lonely soul, on the desert of our country’s heart where some go hungry while others gorge; where some lose everything while the winners take all; where we have no compassion for the poor and downtrodden, some of whom are so desperate that they turn to a life of crime …” DAVIS/SONDRA/PAULA [all standing, talking at once] “Now hold on!” “Just a minute” “No no no.” “Excuse me, I don’t think so.” MEG More complaints from the N double-A triple-A H? DAVIS Well, the N double-A-triple-A H is actually only one branch of a larger movement to which the three of us belong, which we call “United States First.” MEG “United States First”? DAVIS Actually Hashtag United States First. I don’t know what that means, but Paula told me we needed it. Right, Paula? PAULA That’s right, Davis. And one of the platforms of Hashtag United Stages First is this: Zero tolerance for criminals. Death penalty for the worst offenders. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time! MEG There wouldn’t be much “doing time” involved, if someone gets the death penalty. PAULA I was employing an idiom. MEG Oh, right. PAULA

The point is … capital punishment for capital offenses. Everyone, say it with me. When I say “Don’t do the crime,” you repeat it after me. And when I sing, “If you can’t do the time,” you guys repeat it. Are you ready? Don’t do the crime! DAVIS/SONDRA [and audience, hopefully] Don’t do the crime! PAULA If you can’t do the time! DAVIS/SONDRA If you can’t do the time! PAULA Very nice. All right then. [SONG: IF YOU CAN’T DO THE TIME] PAULA Folks, I’m gonna lay it out simple and plain. Murderers and rapists are society’s bane. If you say their punishment should be humane, Then I’ll come back with one straightforward refrain: Oh … Don’t do the crime! DAVIS/SONDRA [and audience, hopefully] Don’t do the crime! PAULA If you can’t do the time! DAVIS/SONDRA If you can’t do the time! PAULA Don’t do the crime! DAVIS/SONDRA Don’t do the crime! PAULA If you can’t do the time! DAVIS/SONDRA If you can’t do the time! PAULA I’m not saying that jail should not rehabilitate. Some who go crooked can still be set straight.

But if you like to murder and mutilate, Then sorry, son, you’ve earned a less merciful fate. So …. Don’t do the crime! DAVIS/SONDRA Don’t do the crime! PAULA If you can’t do the time! DAVIS/SONDRA If you can’t do the time! PAULA Don’t do the crime! DAVIS/SONDRA Don’t do the crime! PAULA If you can’t do the time! DAVIS/SONDRA If you can’t do the time! PAULA I’m talkin’ sickos who think it’s a game To kidnap and abuse; to torture and maim. Even if you tell me that society is to blame, By now you know my answer’s gonna be the same: Oh … Don’t do the crime! DAVIS/SONDRA Don’t do the crime! PAULA If you can’t do the time! DAVIS/SONDRA If you can’t do the time! PAULA Don’t do the crime! DAVIS/SONDRA Don’t do the crime! PAULA If you can’t do the time!

DAVIS/SONDRA If you can’t do the time! PAULA On basic human rights, we all can agree: Life and liberty belong to everybody. But if you break the law, you lose liberty. So if you also lose life … that’s fine by me! Whoah … Don’t do the crime! DAVIS/SONDRA Don’t do the crime! PAULA If you can’t do the time! DAVIS/SONDRA If you can’t do the time! PAULA Don’t do the crime! DAVIS/SONDRA Don’t do the crime! PAULA If you can’t do the time! DAVIS/SONDRA If you can’t do the time! PAULA I’ve heard the logic that liberals prefer: Killing killers is illogical; it doesn’t “deter.” You want to spare the life of some murderer? Go find the victim’s daughter, and explain it to her. [END OF SONG] JOE You guys are a trip. You hate murderers, but let me guess: You don’t want to increase the country’s gun control. MEG Joe, c’mon, this is getting us nowhere. DAVIS It’s a constitutional right. The second amendment grants us the freedom to bear arms!

JENNIFER Here’s what that freedom means in practical terms: The amount of guns per household in the United States is higher than literally any other nation on earth. PAULA And what’s wrong with that? JENNIFER Well, to take one statistic as an example: Of the almost 300 mass shootings that occurred worldwide in 2016, nearly a 100 of them took place in this country. We have five percent of the world’s population, yet we hosted over 30 percent of the world’s gun massacres. JOE This country has cornered the market murderous nutcases! DAVIS Right, and that’s why Americans need guns to defend ourselves! PROFESSOR But surely it’s more important to show compassion to our enemies. “An eye for an eye” leaves everyone blind. MEG I think we’re getting off track. We were supposed to talk about a sculpture … JAY [stands] Excuse me. [The calmness of his voice cuts through the rising din. People stop and listen.] MEG Yes, sir? Could I ask your name? JAY Jay Austin. I served in the military for a number of years. Now I work as an engineer. I have a wife, kids. I love my family. JOE So you understand we need to do something about guns! I mean, you’ve got kids! JAY I own several firearms, and I’ve got no intention of giving them up. JOE Oh.

JAY I know for a lot of you that causes a short-circuit in your brains. You think there’ll be some kind of utopia if we remove every single weapon from the United States. It’s a sweet notion. It’s naïve, but it’s sweet. [SONG: THE PROTECTORS] JAY A reminder to all those Who want our nation to disarm: There are people in this world Who wish to do our country harm. Their allegiance to their cause, It is extreme; it is devout. Our destruction is the endgame They desire to bring about. To beat them will require All Americans, all kinds, From both sides of the aisle, Left and right-leaning minds. And those who only think In terms of “Can’t we get along?” Must understand that others of us Sing a different song. With every atom of our being, We strive to defend The innocent from enemies Who would bring about our end. We’re protectors. We are soldiers. We’re the watchmen on the wall. We’re the proud and we’re the few, Fighting for the good of all. Not all of us are fighters, Of course, that’s understood. Some are helpers, healers … all of us Aimed toward a common good. But the gentle folk among you, I just ask you to respect The minds and hearts of those Who choose to stand and to protect. In children’s tales, no blows are struck. To make one’s foe relent.

The villain’s heart grows larger; A mere embrace makes him repent. But in the real world, sadly, A protector understands, The enemy must be engaged, With rifles in our hands. With every atom of our being, We strive to defend The innocent from enemies Who would bring about our end. We’re protectors. We are soldiers. We’re the watchmen on the wall. We’re the proud and we’re the few, Fighting for the good of all. [END OF SONG] MEG [somber] Let’s take a short recess. We’ll be back in about fifteen minutes. [All characters exit. Blackout.] [END OF ACT ONE.]

ACT TWO [Lights up on KATE and JOE making out furiously on the floor. JOE’s pile of papers and folders are somewhere nearby. After a few seconds, the two young lovers finally pause for a breath.] JOE We should probably stop before the recess ends. KATE Umm, so you work in this building, huh? JOE Yeah! Well, it’s an unpaid internship. But still, I’m Ms. Givens’ right-hand man. She couldn’t find her socks without me. KATE Why would she need an intern to help her find her socks? JOE I was employing an idiom. KATE Oh, right. Anyway, so you probably know this building inside and out, huh? JOE Totes! I’ve actually got keys to every room in here. KATE Do you think you could find us a really, really private one that’s not being used right now? JOE I suppose, but why do we need a private room? KATE The answer may surprise you. [Music begins to play. Characters begin to return to their places.] The meeting’s starting up again. C’mon! [She runs towards an exit in the opposite direction to those slowly entering.] JOE Jeez, Kate, we can’t! I have to be here to help out Ms. Givens! [KATE is now almost completely off-stage, except for one arm. With a single finger she beckons JOE to follow her.] Aw man. [He followers her off.] [Amongst the first to re-enter are DAVIS, SONDRA and PAULA, who are singing the words “United States First.” As they make their way to the very center of the stage, they try to get the audience to sing the slogan with them. Eventually they are standing dead

center. At this same time, the rest of the cast (minus JOE and KATE) begin filing in and taking their seats.] [SONG: UNITED STATES FIRST] PAULA Oh, all you good, good people inhabiting Mexico, Anybody considering rabbiting, You should know … If you’re a man With a plan To come knockin’ on our door … DAVIS/SONDRA United States first! PAULA Just be sure, Pal, that you’re Quite prepared for what’s in store … DAVIS/SONDRA United States first! DAVIS Anyone who wants to walk upon American grasses, SONDRA We’ll check your background and you’d better hope it passes! PAULA We’re no longer in the market for huddled masses … DAVIS/SONDRA/PAULA United States first! United States first! United States first! PAULA Oh, all you good (I assume), good people neighboring To the south, Listen now to the words I’m belaboring From my mouth: Between the Tex And the Mex, We will build a giant fence. DAVIS/SONDRA

United States first! PAULA People who We let through Will have proper documents. DAVIS/SONDRA United States first! DAVIS And if any boy or girl should create disorder, SONDRA We may imprison him and we might deport her. PAULA A country’s not complete if it’s missing a border … DAVIS/SONDRA/PAULA United States first! United States first! United States first! PAULA We don’t believe that you’re scary or nefarious – No, no, no! You’re just creating a fiscally precarious Scenario! Oh, for ages Our wages Have been plunging further down. DAVIS/SONDRA United States first! PAULA So we’ll keep All the cheap Labor way, way out of town. DAVIS/SONDRA United States first! DAVIS Real Americans will not be pushed to the sideline. SONDRA Try it and we’ll kick you out past the tide line!

PAULA The Constitution now is just a fuzzy guideline … DAVIS/SONDRA/PAULA United States first! United States first! United States first! United States first! United States first! [END OF SONG] [DAVIS, SONDRA and PAULA return to their seats, and MEG takes their place at center stage.] MEG Thanks for reminding us all where you guys stand. DAVIS Since we were the first ones back, we thought we’d take some time to enlighten our fellow citizens as to our hard-line immigration policy. [Looking around.] And it looks like your little intern isn’t around to hate America on behalf of his entire generation, so that’ll make it easier for the people to express our message without a lot of useless noise. MEG Yeah, where IS Joe? That’s weird. He’s usually so reliable. DAVIS He’s an idiot. Now, as I was saying, “United States First” is all about making America for Americans again. A country isn’t a country without borders, and liberals want to just blow them wide open and let people stream right in. BRYAN [standing, holding a martini, and with earbuds in his ears that are connected to the iPad on his shirt pocket] Oh, yakkity-yak. This “my country, right or wrong” blather is so monotonous. DAVIS Who the heck are you? BRYAN I’m Bryan Shriver, a member of the metropolitan neo-liberal intellectual socialist elite. How embarrassing for you that you needed to ask. DAVIS Oh, great. What are you listening to on those headphones, pinko? The Communist Manifesto? BRYAN

David Sedaris, “Me Talk Pretty One Day.” I was quite enjoying it actually, but your jingoistic rhetoric keeps bleeding through, and at this point I simply must say something. DAVIS Go back to Russia, Commie. BRYAN Sir, your hyperbole does amuse, and your cavalierly domineering vernacular adroitly frames your own discomfiture at what you perceive as my rabidly Stalinist will to power. That said … Russia? I think not. Still, America has become a cesspool of corporate cronyism, capitalistic greed, systemic racism, vile pollution and unchecked gun violence. So yes, in fact, I do find myself whimsically contemplating an alternative with increasing frequency. DAVIS What are you talking about? BRYAN Allow me to frame my thoughts in a more “folksy” vernacular. [BRYAN takes a sip from martini, then begins singing.] [SONG: THE WONDERFUL LAND OF OZ] BRYAN America has lots of problems. These days, I just want out. I fantasize of taking one extremely lengthy walkabout … I’ll walk to Australia! Yes, the land of boomerangs And shrimp on Barbie-cues! How could so many kangaroos Ever fail ya? God bless Australia! America has lots of problems, Lots of lunatics with guns. But there’s a gunless land out there, where peace of mind is everyone’s … It’s called Australia! The land of firearm control, Where pistols don’t take lives – Although some croc hunters with knives Could still impale ya, But that’s Australia! Down Under’s paradise; no crime and no pollution. No second amendment to their constitution!!! Oh …

America has lots of problems. Let’s face it, it’s hell on Earth. That’s why I dream of Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth … I dream of Australia! That outback paradise Where they live in harmony, Although a killer wasp or bee Might just assail ya. But that’s Australia! Where everybody calls you “Mate”! All the people are so polite And if you want to drink all night, They won’t curtail ya. I’m going to Australia! And when I reach the land of Oz, With tales of giant spiders (And free healthcare providers) I’ll regale ya … From there in Australia! [END OF SONG] MEG You know, I hear that over there, the toilets flush counterclockwise. It’s something to do with gravity, I guess. BRYAN Yes, well, I’ll apply for a visa one of these days. And perhaps a Mastercard as well. Ahahahaha. MEG I find you unpleasant. ELLA [standing] Excuse me. MEG Yes ma’am? You have something to say? ELLA My name is Ella Pierson, and I have a question. MEG Ask away! Please, please let it be about the sculpture. ELLA It’s about the sculpture.

MEG Huzzah! ELLA My question is, why are we wasting time talking about the sculpture? MEG Curses. ELLA Jaxxov Oil owns the property, yes? MEG Yes, ma’am. ELLA Then they can put whatever they darn well please on their front lawn. Why is the government getting involved? MEG Well, it will be displayed right in the center of town. ELLA And? MEG And even though it’s privately funded, it’s meant as a kind of gift to the community. ELLA And? MEG And we’re the community, so we’re debating it. ELLA Debate about it all you want, but it’s their property, their decision. We should all oppose any government interference in private property. MEG Who are you with, Ms. Pierson? ELLA The Tea Party. MEG Ooohhh. ELLA

Don’t be so dismissive of us. Our goal is an honorable one. May I … ? MEG Of course. You have the floor, Ms. Pierson. [SONG: WE THE PEOPLE] ELLA Gentlemen and ladies, will you please let me Tell you all a little bit about the Tea Party. We’re here to represent most vehemently, The true voice of America. We, The people! That’s right, we the people! Can’t you see? The people! You and me, the people! If anybody threatens our security, Or tries to impede our sovereignty If they mess with our domestic tranquility Then, my friend, they’ll answer to we, The people! That’s right, we the people! Can’t you see? The people! You and me, the people! No more stimulus money put specifically Toward bailing out a failing, ailing company! Hang the special interests from a tree And taxes must be cut for we, The people! That’s right, we the people! Can’t you see? The people! You and me, the people! Last but not least importantly, A gun is as sacred as can be! You’ll see the business end of our weaponry If you try to confiscate it from we, The people! That’s right, we the people! Can’t you see? The people! You and me, the people! Oh yes, we, the people! That’s right, we the people!

Can’t you see? The people! Don’t tread on we, the people! [END OF SONG] MEG Thank you, Ms. Pierson. EDGAR [standing, wearing a pair of dark sunglasses] Yes, thank you, Ms. Pierson, I appreciate your speaking so strongly on my behalf. MEG Who are you? EDGAR [removing the sunglasses with a dramatic flourish] Edgar Simms. I’m the CEO of Jaxxov Oil. MEG What a surprise! Welcome, Mr. Simms. The entire town is grateful for your company’s generous cultural contribution to our city. If we’d known you’d be attending today’s town hall, we’d certainly have made special preparations -- EDGAR Ah, but that’s why I showed up incognito. [holding up sun-glasses proudly] This clever disguise allowed me to sit here amongst the commoners, and to hear your true, undisguised feelings. It’s been lovely listening to what you all have to say. But the most delightful moment thus far has been hearing Ms. Pierson’s passionate defense of my corporation. ELLA Well, it was more a defense of certain core principles. Again, my political party is all about speaking for the people. EDGAR Ah, but in the eyes of the law, my corporation IS a person. Born to a single parent, Arthur Jaxxov, back in 1933, this little person grew steadily and healthily over the decades, albeit slowly as well. I became a stockholder in the plucky l’il youngster back in the 1990s, and with my help the adorable moppet suddenly began growing exponentially. If I may say so, I built the lad up to the point of being a massive corporate juggernaut, and I couldn’t be happier with the young tyke. I’ve made him a superconglomerate, and he’s made me proud. MEG All due respect, sir, but I don’t think your corporation can really be called a person. EDGAR Or can it … ? The answer may surprise you.

[SONG: CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE TOO] When I was only eight or nine, I had a little pet feline. Such style, such grace had this kitty of mine, And such flair! Too smart to just be called “a cat,” Despite whiskers, fur and fat, He was virtually a human. To that, I’d swear! That’s when I knew, That sometimes it’s true That animals are people too! Sometimes animals are people too! [Several people in the cast make “Awwww” type noises.] And now that I am fully grown, I apply the logic I’ve long known To various things that I buy, or own, Or trade. My car, my suit, my TV. But first, and most crucially, The beautiful corporate entity I’ve made! Oh yes, it’s true! Oh yes, it’s true! Corporations are people too! Sometimes corporations are people too! For a corporation can feel. It can yearn; it can exude sex appeal. It has secrets that it will gladly conceal With ease! And just like a person, it makes Its share of silly little mistakes Like spilling oil in oceans and lakes And seas. Oh yes, it’s true! Sometimes a few Drops of toxic brew get through, And that’s because corporations are people too! Like a person, they have passion and drive. When nourished, they flourish and thrive.

They evolve as they must, so that they’ll survive Always! They change, and grow ever more great. ’Till over all things, they dominate! They can even become secretary of state Nowadays! Oh yes, it’s true! They can now have a view Of Pennsylvania Avenue. And that’s because corporations are people too! Oh yes, it’s true! Oh yes, it’s true! Though it probably makes you want to spew, Corporations are legally people too! Corporations are legally people too! Corporations are regally people too! [END OF SONG] JENNIFER And can I ask, if corporations are people, why do they so often weasel out of paying their taxes? EDGAR Because people do that too! JENNIFER Right. Rich people. EDGAR Well, sure. God, we’re clever! SISTER BETTY Please don’t take the lord’s name in vain. EDGAR Sorry, sister. SISTER BETTY You’re forgiven. If I hear that kind of talk again, though, I’ll come over there with my ruler. JENNIFER American tax code is written so that if you earn money through business-ownership or investments, you “self-report” your income. So the wealthy can hoard cash while the working class …

AGATHA … whose taxes are deducted before they get paid … JENNIFER … exactly … the working class gets an increased tax burden because the wealthy keep finding loopholes. “Trickle-down” economics is a myth. The tax code is structured for wealth to flow upward, so that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. We need to raise taxes on the super-rich in order to correct the unequal distribution … EDGAR Hey now! Raise taxes on the super-rich? DAVIS Ridiculous. Why should a man be punished for being successful? EDGAR Yeah! PAULA It’s un-American! JENNIFER I find it ironic that so many of you flag-waving patriots are perfectly fine with America having created an upper-class elite who are so rich, they’re essentially royalty. Do any of you history buffs remember why America fought for independence in the first place? I think it had something to do with wanting to get away from royalty. AGATHA Indeed. The blue-blooded King George the Third. JENNIFER Right. We fought to escape a dynasty of blue-bloods named George. Now you America-lovers can’t get enough of blue-bloods named George. Let’s see, there was George Bush the first, George Bush the second … ELLA And your solution is more government regulation? Please. If the government would just stay out things, the market would fix itself. JENNIFER Right. The Free Market is miraculous. It’s God! SISTER BETTY, LONI, BARBARA HEY!!! JENNIFER Oh, calm down.

MIKAELA [standing tentatively] Um … MEG Yes? Ms. Love? MIKAELA Could I say … um, just one or two things? MEG You have the floor. MIKAELA Well, just … Sorry, again, I don’t do a lot of public, um, speaking. But um … Well, I took an economics course, and … DAVIS Here it comes, more college talk. PAULA Hey, don’t knock it, she surprised us last time. MIKAEALA Well … the left doesn’t really like to hear it, but … it’s been proven time and time again that free market Capitalism is a rather remarkable system and it can produce, well … yes, it might seem like a silly word, but … miraculous effects. ELLA Exactly! PAULA [to DAVIS] See? MIKAELA That said … well … see, I took this biology course, and we were discussing what’s called “super-organisms”? DAVIS [to PAULA] Where is she going with this? MIKAELA Looked at through a, um, matrix, I suppose, is one word for it … the matrix of evolutionary biology … corporations aren’t really – they don’t “behave” like people, despite what Mr. Simms might say. They’re more … analogous, if you will … they’re sort of like “superorganisms,” which can evolve to become extremely powerful forces in their home environment. EDGAR What are you getting at, young lady?

MIKAELA Well, a “superorganism” can become so powerful that it eliminates all the organisms it competes with … If it’s powerful enough … That is to say, a powerful enough corporation can actually distort and corrupt the free market, and the only way to … y’know … fix it, is via government regulation. And also, through … though nobody likes it, but … through an appropriately high level of … well …. taxation. [sighs] EDGAR Pshaw! Poppycock and balderdash! PAULA What’s with you, Ms. Love? You’re pro-free market and pro-traditional values, but you’re also pro-government regulation and taxing businesses? Whose side are you on? MIKAELA Why do I have to be on a … on a “side”? JENNIFER Forget it, Ms. Love. You’re not going to get anywhere with right-wingers when you talk about taxing the rich. Republicans just adore rich people. Rich people are winners, you see, and conservatives don’t have patience for losers. MIKAELA Well, winners-slash-losers, that’s a binary construct, just like left-slash-right, and part of my point is that binary extremes can be limiting -- DAVIS [talking over, ignoring Mikaela and addressing Jennifer] Look, lady, if there weren’t benefits to being rich, then nobody would strive to become rich. We’d end up as a nation of lazy slackers. [JOE and KATE come running onstage, their hair messed up, Kate’s lipstick smeared, both of them with misbuttoned and/or untucked shirts, and such. They try to be unobtrusive as KATE goes back to her seat, and JOE takes a place at MEG’s side. He grabs his papers where he last left them, somewhere on the stage.] DAVIS Speak of the devil … BARBARA Oh, my, no, don’t speak of the dark lord himself! DAVIS I was employing an idiom. BARBARA Oh, right. MEG [to JOE]

Where were you? JOE I was … checking to see if the mockup arrived? MEG Did it? JOE I don’t know. I mean, no. DAVIS The poster-boy for uselessness strikes again. JOE Hey, Mr. Tryon, what the heck? Why are you always on my case, huh? DAVIS And now the whining starts. Lord, how did we once have an entire generation of Americans willing to fight and defeat the Nazis, and then in just 70 years let ourselves get watered down to cream puffs like you? JOE Oh, here we go again, my generation. My generation is useless, but “back in the olden days,” men were totes better. DAVIS Yeah. Apart from that idiotic word you keep using, yeah, that’s about it. JOE They were “the greatest generation”! DAVIS Yeah! That’s exactly right! [SONG: DIFFERENT GENERATIONS (A DUET)] DAVIS In the forties, when our fascist foes Tried to seize world domination, They were crushed heroically by those Of the greatest generation! JOE (We won’t mention the internment of Our Asian population, When venerating, Overstating Just how much we love

The “Greatest” generation.) Today’s world is an awful mess In need of renovation, And that’s a job for -- can you guess? -- The millennial generation! DAVIS (I don’t see that job getting done, Taking into consideration The littleness And brittleness Of ev’ry single one Of the Millennial Generation.) When our boys came back from World War II, The mood was pure elation! They had won our freedom – yes it’s true -- With stout determination! JOE (And we’ll go ahead and just leave out All that racial segregation When confidently, Eloquently Raving all about The “Jim Crow” Generation!) A millennial has empathy, And applauds the celebration Of our country’s multiplicity; Its grand diversification! DAVIS (What compassion, courage, and what grace! ‘Till they’re faced with tribulation … Then they’re whining And they’re pining For a “safe, safe space” … The Snowflake Generation!) Of our veterans, great songs were sung; They had earned such adoration. There was peace and harmony among The people of our nation! JOE (We’ll forget the fear that quickly spread Of nuclear conflagration. While reminiscing, We’re dismissing

“Duck and cover” dread, In the Cold War generation!) Us kids face questions of all kinds, With a fine sophistication, ‘Cause millennials have nuanced minds, And higher education! DAVIS (While receiving trophies at each game, Just for participation … They were swaddled And coddled Until they became The Entitled Generation!) BOTH Oh, let’s not waste a minute more On continued contemplation DAVIS Of their craziness, Their laziness, JOE Their “in-the-good-old-days”-iness, DAVIS Their callowness, Their shallowness, Their overall marshmallow-ness, JOE Their hypocrisy, Bureaucracy, Their “We fought for democracy” Foolhardiness, DAVIS Their tardiness, BOTH And “wrong political party”-ness! We’ve no patience for A different generation! [END OF SONG] MEG Man, is it just me or are we are getting nowhere on this?

MIKAELA [standing] Um, could I say just, um, one or two things? MEG Yes, Ms. Love? MIKAELA Well, I took a logic class once … DAVIS Of course you did. PAULA Davis, lay off, would you? MIKAELA And sometimes when you take a step back and look at a problem logically you realize that the two sides of the problem are more alike than different. A lot of so-called “millennials” … I mean it’s a silly term, I suppose … JOE Nuh uh! MIKAELA … but a lot of us do see that there’s a continuum of thought and idea, not just two binary extremes -- DAVIS She’s losing me. MIKAELA And … more to the point … DAVIS There’s a point? PAULA Shush. MIKAELA More to the point, there’s no logical reason why a person’s opinions on, for example, gun control, should be a predictor of a person’s thoughts on a totally separate issue, like, say, climate change. But in America, it almost always is. As Sam Harris pointed out, this is a sign that people are joining tribes rather than deciding on issues for themselves. It’s what leads to hypocrisy and -- MEG

Ms. Love, I hate to interrupt you, but it is my job to keep things on topic, and time is actually running short … MIKAELA [sitting] But, I think … well, okay. I’m sorry. MEG No, don’t apologize, it’s just that – MIKAELA Forget it. STEVEN [standing] I’d like to make a suggestion at this point regarding the sculpture. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Steven Breitbart. I and my associates here [he gestures at the young white folks sitting around him, MILO, BILL and JAMESON] are absolutely pro-statue. JAMESON Hi, again! MEG [sighing] Hello again, Mr. Mukos. STEVEN We even have a thought as to what form the statue should take. MEG Okay, shoot. STEVEN A statue of Arthur Jaxxov, the founder of Jaxxov Oil. EDGAR Hmmm. JOE Wait a minute. No, no, no. I’ve read up on Jaxxov. He was a monster. He was racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, the works. Just a complete douchebag. STEVEN Whatever his personal prejudices may have been, he was a brilliant businessman. A statue would be a wonderful tribute to his genius. JOE It would be grotesque. I don’t want to be reminded of that guy every time I walk through town. STEVEN

Jaxxov Oil is one of the best things to happen to this community. Why should we erase him from the history books just because he was a straight white male? MEG I don’t think anyone’s saying that, are they? STEVEN Oh, turn on the news, Miss Givens. Read the paper. You’ll find a lot of people are saying that. And it’s a genuine shame. My associates agree. [MILO, BILL and JAMESON all rise as the music starts.] [SONG: NOBODY BE SCARED] STEVEN Heard about some trouble On this morning’s news. What I saw reported Gave this white male the blues They talked about some teachers In our country’s schools Denouncing great white men As racist old fools. ‘But no need to worry! Cause we’re here to give MILO/BILL/JAMESON Give give give! STEVEN All the put-upon white folk An alternative! MILO/BILL/JAMESON The right alternative! STEVEN/MILO/BILL/JAMESON Nobody be scared! The future is bright, Cause America’s Gonna be Alt-Right. Gonna be Alt-Right. STEVEN These days, we’re troubled By what we see: The white man drowning In a sea of diversity.

It’s been a marked progression, Painful to describe; As forces displace The straight-white-male tribe. In the college classrooms, They’re doing something dumb! MILO/BILL/JAMESON Dum dum dum STEVEN Erasing great white men From the curriculum! MILO/BILL/JAMESON From the curriculum! STEVEN/MILO/BILL/JAMESON But nobody be scared! (Nobody be scared!) The future is bright, (The future is bright!) Cause America’s Gonna be Alt-Right. Gonna be Alt-Right! STEVEN We don’t want no trouble. We’re not the violent sort (Unless you count all the immigrants We’d like to deport). In this great nation There’s inequality! And you’d have to be blind In order not to see. We’re not saying we’re better! No, that’s not it. MILO/BILL/JAMESON That’s not it! STEVEN We just want to be acknowledged As equal but STEVE/MILO/BILL/JAMESON [Steve free-styling] Separate!

Nobody be scared! (Nobody be scared now …) The future is bright, (The future’s oh so bright) Cause America’s Gonna be Alt-Right. It’ll be Alt-Right. (It’s gonna be Alt-Right) Don’t be scared! (No no no no no!) The future is bright, (It’s bright, bright white!) Cause America’s Gonna be Alt-Right. (It’s gonna be Alt-Right!) It’ll be Alt-Right. (That’s what I said now!) Don’t be scared! (No, don’t be scared!) The future is bright! (It’s a bright, bright, bright, bright) Cause America’s Gonna be Alt-Right! It’ll be Alt-Right! (That’s what I said now!) Don’t be scared! The future is bright! Cause America’s Gonna be Alt-Right! (Gonna be, gonna be, gonna be, gonna be) It’ll be Alt-Right! [END OF SONG] JOE Well. That was totes enlightening, but now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go bathe in acid. MEG I’ll join you. [Both begin to exit. JOE leaves the stage entirely. MEG almost gets all the way off, but is called back …] LESLEY [standing] Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah! [becomes woozy for a moment] Whoah. MEG [re-entering] Yes? What is it? LESLEY When are we gonna discuss the medical marijuana issue? MEG What are you talking about? LESLEY

There were two items on the agenda for today, man. I read about it online. Item one: statue. Item two: Pot legalization. MEG Oh. Right. Joe probably has that in his notes. … So, I assume you’re for it? LESLEY Yeah, but I wanna speak my whole piece, man. I have a right to be heard! [She leaves her seat to join Meg at the center of the stage.] MEG Fair enough. What was your name, Miss? LESLEY Lesley Kern. Have a brownie. [She hands Meg a brownie.] MEG Say, thanks! Well, Miss Kern, you’re obviously pro-legalization. I mean, what else could you possibly have to say about the issue? LESLEY Good question, friend. Good question. And the answer may surprise you. [Song begins. MEG eats the brownie while song is sung.] [SONG: FOR MEDICINAL USE] LESLEY Oh, gather ‘round, friends, and attend my refrain, As I sing the praise of that sweet Mary Jane! It’s a topic that’s been much polarized, So this debate must be prioritized. Prioritize! Bring it right to the front. Prioritize! Yes, let me be blunt. These days, the primo pods are profuse, Exclusively grown for medicinal use. We grow it just for medicinal use. Yes, listen up, buds, and I will make plain My stoner-cold stance on that sweet Mary Jane. This country’s lawmakers should all be advised That Marijuana must be legalized! Yes, legalize! My first talking point! One toke should not Land you in the joint! In this day and age, there is no excuse

Not to legalize for medicinal use! We want it just for medicinal use! Those lovely green leaves alleviate pain. It’s a health benefit, that sweet Mary Jane. And since healthcare’s already part-socialized, Then marijuana must be subsidized! Yes, subsidize! Ganja’s gotta be free! Make reefer free for You and for me! To charge for chiba feels like abuse. So subsidize, for medicinal use! Let’s give it away for medicinal use. So many beliefs in my fully-baked brain About how to glorify sweet Mary Jane! By now you prob’ly won’t be surprised When I say weed must be immortalized. Immortalize! Praise that skunk to the sky! All hail to the golden Goddess on high! As high as the high she herself doth induce. Immortalize for medicinal use! We’ll deify dope for medicinal use. I get no kick from champagne or cocaine, But she turns me on, that sweet Mary Jane. So please don’t think me uncivilized When I say the fatty must be fetishized! Yes, fetishize! MJ’s so smoking hot! She’s everything sexy All boiled in one pot! How her butt can beguile! How her sticks can seduce! Let’s fetishize her, for medicinal use. Yes, I’d hit that for medicinal use (Unprotected so she’ll reproduce Even more joints, which are equally loose). I’d bong her just for medicinal use. I’d bong her just for medicinal use. [END OF SONG] MEG [brownie consumed, seeming very very high] Wow! My mind is, like, blown. Like, it really got me thinking, you know? I mean, maybe it’s the brownie talking, but like, at the end of the day, whether we’re

Democrat or left-wing, Republican or liberal, right-wing or conservative … We all just want what’s best for one each other. Yeah? YEAH! And it’s like, if a tree claps one hand in the woods and no one is there to hear it, is a bird in the hand still worth two with one stone? I mean, y’know? Man, that was a good brownie! It’s like -- LESLEY Dude, dude … MEG Reality has seven levels … It’s making me feel like I’ve never been born – LESLEY Dude! MEG Yeah? LESLEY There was no pot in that brownie, man. It was just leftovers from a batch my mom made me. MEG Really? LESLEY Yeah. [LESLEY heads back to her seat.] MEG Oh. [She snaps back to normal.] Well, then I apologize. How undignified. Sorry, not sure what happened there. JAMESON It’s what we call “the placebo effect” -- MEG Shut up, Mukos. JAMESON ‘Kay. DAVIS Why does he have to “shut up”? You’re awfully short-tempered with the right-wing folk, Givens. Aren’t you supposed to be unbiased? JENNIFER It’s hard to be unbiased when you’re living in reality, Tryon. Reality already HAS a liberal bias. Paranoid, delusional fantasy, on the other hand, tends to lean in the other direction – PAULA Hey, show some respect!

BRYAN Respect? That’s a laugh! MEG Now, everyone – [Fighting amongst all the pundits breaks out. MIKAELA timidly says “Excuse me,” quietly amongst the din, then finally, she gets fed up and cuts through it all:] MIKAELA COULD I SAY JUST ONE OR TWO THINGS??? [People quiet down.] MEG Ms. Love, you have the floor … MIKAELA I once took a philosophy course. [Everyone else collectively sighs.] We studied the work of a man named Isaiah Berlin, who once said, “I am not a relativist. I do not say ‘I like my coffee with milk and you like it without; I am in favor of kindness and you prefer concentration camps’ – each of us with his own values, which cannot be overcome or integrated. This, I believe to be false.” His point was that humanity has lots of different values, and each of us might pursue one of them, but if we do, we can still comprehend why another human being pursues a different one. We have to remember that a person who disagrees with us is still a person, not an inhuman monster. And the key to this, a lot of psychologists say, is finding one small area of agreement with the person on the other side of the aisle. Even a single point of commonality is a starting point, a basis on which to create just a tiny bit of trust. I don’t know what that single point of consensus would be necessarily … I mean, it could be anything, I suppose … LESLEY [stands, interrupts] Ms. Love? MIKAELA Yes? LESLEY I really dig that last name, by the way. And like, I’m sorry to interrupt and stuff, ‘cause you’re seriously, like amazingly smart. MIKAELA Well, thanks, but --- LESLEY No, like seriously. Your IQ must be, like, 300 billion or something, and I’m not, like blowing smoke. DAVIS

Isn’t “blowing smoke” all you do? LESLEY Well, literally, yeah, but in this case I was, like, employing a … thing. MEG Ms. Kern, do you have a point? LESLEY Oh yeah! We never voted on the legalization thing. What’s that about? DAVIS See? This is what I’m talking about! A generation of slackers! KATE Hey! When are you gonna let that “generation” thing go? DAVIS Never! PAULA Damn straight! SISTER BETTY Language! MEG People, let’s not start up again -- [Arguing once again erupts, and continues for a bit until JOE enters with a small statue on a rolling stand, entirely covered in a sheet. He places it at the center of the stage.] JOE Everybody! Everybody, it’s arrived! The mock-up has arrived! [The arguing subsides.] MEG Oh my gosh. How I thought this moment would never come. Let’s unveil it, shall we? JOE Okay, here we go …. MEG Here we go … [JOE removes the sheet. There is a long pause as everyone takes it in.] MEG Huh.

JOE Huh. BRYAN Garish. PAULA Hideous. STEVEN Not white enough. ELLA Weak. AGATHA It offends me, but I’m not sure why. But it definitely does offend me. EDGAR I thought the “Jaxxov” logo would be more prominent. LESLEY That thing bums me out. JENNIFER I hate the color orange. DAVIS It sucks! JOE It really does, doesn’t it? DAVIS Totes it does! MEG Pretty bad. KATE It kind of looks like a penis. MEG Well, then, shall we take a vote? All in favor of the sculpture, say “Aye.” KATE Aye! MEG All opposed?

VIRTUALLY EVERYONE Nay!!! MEG The nays have it, the sculpture is out. I’m glad we could find a single point of commonality. On that note, by the power invested in me, I hereby call an end to this Town Hall Meeting. We’re adjourned! [Everyone exits, except MIKAELA, who comes to center stage and looks at the sculpture for a moment, then around the room. She smiles to herself. She picks up the statue, and exits with it.] [Lights go dim.] [Music starts up, and vamps for the final song, and the entire cast returns and takes the stage. When everyone is in place, they begin singing.] [SONG: WE ALL JUST WANT WHAT’S BEST] JOE Liberal, conservative … We all have got a life to live, But ultimately no one lives that long. KATE So while we’re all still here on earth, Let’s recognize each other’s worth. The bonds connecting all of us are strong. ELLA/BRYAN The iceberg tip has been addressed. We’ve gotten some things off our chest; Emotions and ideas expressed On what we think is What we think is What we think is best! LESLEY/EDGAR Conversation and Communion On what’s best for our great union; Judgments, viewpoints numerous On what would most help all of us. AGATHA Republican or Democrat? There needn’t always be combat. Let’s hear what each person has to say. MEG/JENNIFER Let’s argue less and listen more,

And now and then, yield up the floor. Let’s wash some of this bitterness away. DAVIS Of course we’ll always disagree On mode and methodology, But by and by and finally, There’s one thing we should One thing we should DAVIS/SONDRA/JAY/JOE/BRYAN One thing we should see: ALL We’ll work and toil and never rest; We’ll argue, bicker and protest; But at the end of each slugfest, We all just want what’s We just want what’s We just want what’s best! We just want what’s We just want what’s We just want what’s best! We just want what’s We just want what’s We just want what’s best! We just want what’s We just want what’s We just want what’s best! [END OF SONG] [Blackout.] [END OF SHOW]