one or two things i learned about love by dyan sheldon - chapter sampler

7/27/2019 One or Two Things I Learned About Love by Dyan Sheldon - Chapter Sampler

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All year you look orward to the summer, and whenit fnally comes, what happens? Not much. Theres no

school, and its so hot already you sweat standing still, but

thats about it. Nothing special. Lie goes on like normal

here at Casa DAngelo. This morning, the human alarm

that is my little sister shrieking as i she was being

yanked through the roo by a giant pterosaur went o

at approximately 6:31. (I my bedroom wasnt right o the

kitchen, Id avoid this, but i I didnt sleep in the old pan-

try, Id have to share with her. Which is worse. Id rather

sleep in a tree.) Anyway, 6:31 was an improvement on

yesterday. Yesterday, Zelda woke me up at 6:17 because

the cat was on her chair. Today, it wasnt anything that

exciting. She was having a meltdown because a cornake

missed her bowl and landed on the table. (NIGHTMARE

ON LEBANON ROAD! Everybody head or the hills!) So

then she got mad because I laughed at her. My mother


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it on YouTube. (Ive never seen anybody turn that shade

o red beore. It was truly awe-inspiring! I thought Mr. Kwas going to have a heart attack.) Louie says that it isnt

unusual to have to suer or your art. Mr. Kitosky said i

he ever catches Louie with a camera in his hands again,

hell teach him what suering really is.

Back home to sweat and reacquaint mysel with hysteria.

My amily can make a blood-and-tears tragedy out o los-

ing a key. Tonights big drama was because when Guss

date came to pick her up, Dad called him Elroy. As in,

Hi, there, Elroy. Nice to see you again. Elroy was last

week. This ones named Zak. Gus laughed at the time,

but she went ballistic when she came home. She said

sometimes she thinks Dad embarrasses her on purpose.

(He doesnt.) Dad said its not his ault that Gus is a serial

dater, and i she wants him to remember the names o

all the boys she goes out with, she should either make

them wear name tags or date boys who dont look so

much like each other. She said maybe she should start

dating girls. (It wouldnt make any dierence. He still

wouldnt be able to tell them apart.) I said to Dad it must

be a great relie to him that his middle daughter only

ever had two and a hal dates in her whole lie. He said

when were they? I cant blame him or orgetting. They


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werent exactly worth remembering. (Only I probably

will, because its starting to look like theyre the onlydates Ill ever have.)

I was hoping something wonderul would happen this

summer. Now I just hope I dont melt.

This morning the screaming that woke me up wasGus, not Zelda. Gus couldnt fnd her new sandals. Obvi-

ously, I must have taken them to bed with me. Other

people take the stued rabbit they had when they were

little. I take my sisters shoes. I told her to get real and

leave me alone. She wouldnt budge. (I theres one way

my sisters are alike, its that theyre both as stubborn as

bloodstains.) Gus said shed looked EVERYWHERE. She

couldnt go to work until she ound them. I suggested

(reasonably) that she wear something else. Its not like

she has only one pair o shoes. (She could open a store.


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No, she could open a chain.) Gus said she didnt want

to wear something else. O course. I you ask me, its notjust Zelda who has issues. Gus is clinically irrational. She

wouldnt stop screaming. I mean it, Hildy! Youd better

give me back my shoes! When she tries, Gus can yell

loud enough to be heard in Alaska. I pictured all these

Alaskans looking puzzled and trying to fgure out who

Hildy was. That made me laugh. Which made her even

madder. The sandals were under the porch swing. Mom

ound them. Im glad Im staying at Nomis tonight. Mr.

and Mrs. Slevka went to some big antiques air to sell old

jars and wont be back till tomorrow. Nomi may be well

known or her eistiness and her big mouth (my gran says

that not only would Nomi argue with the devil himsel,

shed win), but shes terrifed o being home alone. Even

with the new alarm Mr. Slevka put in. Which is fne with

me. The Slevkas dont have AC either (because Nomis

ather has principles about air-conditioning, not because

hes cheap), but next to Casa DAngelo, its like going

rom a war zone to a twenty-star holiday resort.

Went to my pottery class this morning, but it was too hot

or our usual Saturday tennis match. We all agreed wed

rather walk to Canada on stilts. So Nomi and I decided to

go into town. The stores are all air-conditioned, o course.


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Mom said, Why dont you take Zelda with you? (She has

to ask?) Zelda wanted to know i we were going to talkabout boys all aternoon. I said no, we were going to be

discussing the international monetary crisis. She threw

a purple plastic astrodon at me and put on her sandals.

The git stores selling ans! Not the kind you plug in. The

old-ashioned kind you ap back and orth in ront o

your ace. Mrs. Gorrie bought a case when the frst Zorro

movie came out. She thought the movie would start a

trend. Only it didnt. Its not exactly like having AC or

even an electric an, but you can carry it around with you

and at least it moves the air around. So psychologically it

makes you eel better. Mrs. Gorrie says it just proves there

really is a good side to everything, even global warming,

because now the ans are selling aster than water in a

drought. Nomi and I both got one. I wouldve bought

one or Zelda, but she tried mine and right away hit her-

sel in the eye with it, so I didnt bother.

Went to Maggies tonight or a barbecue. Her mother says

its too hot to cook in the house. (Maggie says Mrs. Pryce

is araid the heats going to make the microwave explode.)

Sara and Kruger had a band rehearsal, so it was the rest

o the Mob, including Grady. Mr. Pryce was in charge, as


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The new alarm was going o when we got back to Nomis.

Mr. Janoski next door was sitting on his ront porch inhis bathrobe and pajamas, looking like he was having a

really long, sleepless night. (Mr. Js a big man who prob-

ably wouldve been a bull i he wasnt a human, but his

pajamas are pink!) We started running to the house as

soon as we saw him. Nomi unlocked the door and turned

o the alarm. Mr. Janoski said next time it happens hes

breaking in and ripping it out with his bare hands. Nomi

thinks he means it. He used to be in the Marines.

Woken up by the alarm. And Mr. Janoski roaring,That does it! Nomi fgures the vibration o the newspaper

hitting the porch mustve set it o. She leaped out o bed

like a gazelle being chased by a lion and turned it o beore

Mr. Janoski got out o his ront door. Let it o and escaped

to the tranquility and calm that is Sunia Kreples yoga class,

even though Sunia doesnt have so much as a an in the


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new studio because she says the sound would break the

transcendental ow o energy (and AC would shatter itcompletely). But like Nomi said, its always hot in India,

where theyve been doing yoga or hundreds o years, and

it hasnt killed them, so what the heck. Watched sweat drip

o me in Downward Dog, but at least it was tranquil.

On the way home, Nomi and I went over to Grans, since

we were nearby. Everybody jokes about old ladies need-

ing help to open the ketchup and change a lightbulb,

but my grans not that kind o old lady. Shes the kind

who wants you to help her put up shelves or paint the

living room. She can open her own ketchup. Shed just

fnished fxing that wonky step by the back door when

we got there. Gran loved the ans. She wants one. She

said it was about time we got something you dont have

to plug in or charge. Gran hates cell phones and com-

puters and all that stu. She wont even have an answer-

ing machine. She doesnt want to be in touch with people

24/7. She likes alone time. She says imagine i Romeo

and Juliet had had cell phones. No more tragic love story.

Just, Dont do it. Im on my way.

The parents were arguing when I got home. Because the

washing machine broke again. My mother wants to buy


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a new one. My ather says he can fx the one we have. But

the fght wasnt about that. The fght was about all theother things my athers going to fx. Youre still fxing

Zeldas stroller and shes almost ten! shouted my mother.

Exactly! Dad shouted back. She doesnt need it any

more! Let them to it and went next door to help Louie

edit his video o the barbecue beore my mom remem-

bered about the deck. Dads been building that or almost

as long as hes been fxing Zeldas stroller.

Dreamed I was sleeping in hell. I kept beggingthe devil to turn on the AC. I would have cried, but Id

used up all the water in my body on sweat. The devil

wasnt moved by my pleas. (He sounded a lot like Gus

when he laughed.) He said AC was bad or the envi-

ronment. I God wanted you to have air-conditioning,

youd have a unit attached to the top o your head,

said the devil. (He sounded just like my dad.) Woke up


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to screaming and shouting. I I ever wake up and the

house is quiet, I wont know where I am. Dragged mylimp, wet body into the kitchen to see what was going

on. My parents were having an argument about how to

boil water. Got a glass o juice and went to sit on the

patio. Texted Nomi to see i she wanted to go to the

beach. Then Cristina called to see what we were doing.

I said Nomi and I fgured the only way we could avoid

heatstroke was to spend the day in the supermarket or

on the beach, so we were going to the beach because we

couldnt wear our new swimsuits in the supermarket.

Cristina said shed come, too. I said she must be nuts.

Not only does her house have AC, it has a real swim-

ming pool. Cristina said it would be nuts not to come

to the beach. Her sister and her riends have taken over

the pool like oot ungus. Shed much rather hang out

with Nomi and me. And who wouldnt? Theres been

no ofcial policy statement, but the Mob avoids the

Palacios place i Lenoras around. I know Gus can be a

bigger pain in the butt than being injected with a horse

needle, but next to Lenora Palacio, shes Gods Git to

Sisterhood. You have to try to imagine what that means.

Its like saying Gus is a very small snowake and Lenora

is Alaska. But I still bet Cristina wouldve stayed in the

chill cabinet that is Casa Palacio i her boyriend wasnt


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two hundred miles away teaching six-year-olds how to

toast marshmallows.

Zelda reused to go to camp today, so my mother made

me take her with us to the beach. (In this amily, Gus

got the looks, Zelda got the personality disorder, and

I got taken advantage o.) Zelda, naturally, decided to

be invisible. Which meant she wore a white robe that

reaches her eet (it used to be Guss, but she disowned it

ater Louie videoed her climbing in the kitchen window

in it) and the enormous sombrero with MEICO across

the ront that Gran brought back rom her cruise to Can-

cn. Which meant Zelda was about as invisible as a herd

o elephants with bells and lights on. It was excruci-

ating being seen with her. (Heads turned like windmills

in a gale.) So, o course, the beach was really packed.

(There are obviously a lot more people who dont have

AC or pools than I thought.) A couple o people wanted

to know what was up with the sombrero and the ans.

They thought we were in some kind o ad or something.

Nomi told them we were in the video or a new band

called Keep Cool, and they started looking around or

the flm crew. We let Zelda on the blanket and went or

a swim (shes araid o water unless its in a container).

We fgured she wasnt going anywhere, since the only


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thing she could see was her eet. When we got back to

the blanket, she was gone. Her robe was in the sand likea puddle, and the sombrero was on top o it. Nomi said

it was like when the wicked witch melts in The Wizard

of Oz. Melting is the one thing I dont worry about with

Zelda. Cristina was araid someone had taken her. Id

like to see them try. Lets not orget the time she nearly

got Mom arrested at the mall because she didnt want to

leave and Mom had to drag her to the car, screaming like

she was being murdered. And then she told the security

guards that shed never seen my mother beore in her

lie. Anyway, we fnally ound her at the snack bar get-

ting an ice pop. Jaxs dad had given him the aternoon

o, so he showed up with a cooler bag ull o soda and

a resh outlook. He and Zelda built a sand space station

while Nomi, Cristina, and I sat under the umbrella play-

ing cards. Zelda let Jax wear the sombrero. With her in

the white robe and Jax in the hat, it was like Star Wars

meets Viva Zapata!

Tonight my ather decided to work on the deck, but he

couldnt fnd his level. My mother said it was wherever

hed let it last. Like everything else he cant fnd. He said

it wasnt. He wanted to know how hes expected to fn-

ish the deck when shes constantly moving his tools. My


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mother said shes not the only person who lives in our

house besides him. In case he hadnt noticed.

Went back to Louies to work on the editing. Who

wouldve guessed when Louies dad gave him his old

camera to ool around with when he was nine that it

would become an obsession? Or that hed be so good

at it? Really. There are actually people all over the world

who wait or his postings. Now his ather says hes araid

to go or the paper in his pajamas in case he winds up in

one o Louies videos looking like an escaped patient. Mr.

Masiado thinks he created a monster. He wont be the

only one. Wait till Mr. Pryce fnds out hes on YouTube.

Work today. It was really busy, so there was no time orEly to give me a juggling lesson. All my avorites came by.

Broccoli Man. Blue Eye-Shadow Lady. Green Pickup Guy.

The Countess. Farmer John thinks were so busy because


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were witnessing a cultural revolution. He says nowadays

olks want their vegetables to come out o the earth, notout o plastic. Ely says thats not why were busy. Were

busy because were on the beach road and olks dont

want to drive all the way to the supermarket i they dont

have to. Especially when theyre sandy, damp, and smell

like seaweed. All I know is that my an got a lot o posi-

tive comments rom the buyers o ground-grown vegeta-

bles. Except or Broccoli Man, who wouldnt get out o

his car until I put it away. But all the more normal people

said that it was both practical and elegant. The Countess

said the ladies at court always had ans. Blue Eye-Shadow

Lady said shed always wanted a an but she didnt know

where to get one (so I told her). Even Green Pickup Guy

said he thought it was very elegant. He said I made him

think o the movie Gone with the Wind. Ely wanted to

know which part: when they burn down Atlanta? He said

he fgured itd be a lot more elegant i I was wearing a

long, rued dress and a hibiscus in my hair. Not shorts,

a LOBSTER LILLYS T-shirt, and a baseball cap.

Did some more editing with Louie tonight. Were calling

the new video Flame Broiled and the background musics

the really old Burger King Hold the pickles, hold the

lettuce jingle. When we got to the part where Jax and


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I threw the wading pool over Mr. Pryce, I fnally under-

stood what people mean when they say I thought Id dielaughing. We both nearly stopped breathing.

Maggie showed Grady some o Louies videos. Grady

already knew the one Louie made o his dogs Hitchcock

and Scorsese arguing over who was going to sit in Mr.

Masiados chair (over 900,000 hits on YouTube). Hes

watched it fve times, and he always laughs out loud. He

thinks Louies a genius. Louies smart, but Im not so sure

about the genius part. He cant even derost, let alone

cook. When his parents went away or that weekend in

May, he ate nothing but cereal or three days. And lets not

orget that Im the one who did Hitchcocks voice, totally

ad lib (and helped with the editing).

When I got home, the kitchen looked like wed been

robbed. All the cabinets were open, and there was stu all

over the counters. Only it wasnt burglars. Mom was out,

and Dad was looking or the iced-tea mix. Zelda was on

the oor, wailing like she was being torn apart by tyran-

nosaurs (she wanted iced tea). Mrs. Claws was stuck in a

bag o Cheez Doodles all you could see o her was her

butt and her tail, and when I dragged her out, she was

all dusty and orange. Dad was standing in the middle o


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the wreckage, looking distraught. I didnt have the heart

to tell him that Mom makes iced tea rom scratch. Wentto my room. Was talking to Nomi when the quiet o the

night was shattered by hysterical laughter. My mother

was home. I wonder i my parents ever had a romantic

relationship. It seems unlikely. Which could explain why

Gus has never ound anyone she likes or more than a ew

weeks and I cant even get a date.

For a joke, I went to work in the dress Gus boughtwhen she was maid o honor at our cousins wedding.

Its pink and long and makes me think o birthday cakes

and koi ponds (birthday cakes because its pink and rilly,

and koi ponds because thats what Gus pushed the best

man into when he made a pass at her). Ely thought the

dress was hilarious. Ive never seen him laugh so much.

Some people stopped just because they saw me bagging

potatoes in my prom-queen dress and uttering my an


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Nomi says i she wasnt going out with Jax, she thinksshed be interested in Ely. I said, Ely who? She wanted

to know how many Elys I know, exactly. I said do you

mean Ely Weimer? From the arm? Hes nearly seven eet

tall and he plays the ukulele (its a sight). Though he is

an excellent juggler. She said she thought I liked him. I

said I do like him. Elys great. He brings laughter to the

world o ruit and vegetables. Selling tomatoes wouldnt

be the same without him. But I never think o him like

that. You know, like hes a boy. Not one I might want to

kiss or share a ork with or anything. Nomi said, Well, I

do. I was astounded. I thought she was so into Jax that

she never looked at other boys. (Or i she did, they might

as well be turnips.) Nomi went all Nomi, slapping her

orehead and moaning. She said she didnt realize that

because shes going out with Jax she was supposed to

go around with a blindold on and never think that any


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Ive noticed quite a ew women carrying ans. Really.Nomi says that means were trendsetters. How awesome

is that? Usually I dont even know theres a trend going on

till its just about over. Will being a trendsetter make me

more attractive to boys, or less? I think it could make me

more attractive to some boys the cutting-edge, frst-to-

have-a-tattoo-or-a-piercing type and less attractive to

others the regular kind my parents would approve o.

But since Im not attractive to anyone, I guess it doesnt

really make any dierence. Nonetheless, I do think Mrs.

Gorrie should give us commission.

One o Lenoras riends threw the cat into the Palacios

pool to see i it could swim. (It could swim, but it wasnt

happy about it.) Mrs. Palacio loves that cat. She always

says its the only member o the amily who never gives

her a hard time. (Which is true, rom what Ive seen.)


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Anyway, eyewitnesses (Cristina and her cousin) say that

when she heard the howls, Mrs. P came charging out othe house like cavalry charging out o a ort in an old

Western. Only not on a horse, but on our-inch heels.

She went straight into the pool too. Mrs. P and Dolittle

were both so traumatized by this experience that Lenora

and her riends are banned rom the pool until urther

notice. So tonight we all went over there to hang out. I

think Louie was hoping Mrs. Palacio and Dolittle would

all in again, because he brought his camera, but i he

thought he was going to make a series o summer disas-

ters, he was out o luck. Dolittles not allowed anywhere

near the pool without his new lie jacket on. Its bright

pink. He looks like a chunk o bubblegum with eet. Mrs.

P admired our ans. She said they reminded her o Old

Mexico. I said Id tell Mrs. Gorrie. Itll make her year.

Cristina insisted that we all act like we were having the

best time, since swimming pools were invented so her

sister would be jealous. So we laughed and shrieked and

splashed around like we were advertising un. Until Mr.

Palacio (who has the personality o a dictator troll) came

out hufng and pufng and told us to simmer down or

none o us were going to be allowed near the pool until

they hold the Winter Olympics on the Sahara. Turned

out that Lenora wasnt even home. O course.


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Zelda put all her dinosaurs in the washing machinethis morning (thats 176, i youre counting). She ooded

the kitchen. Mom asked her why she did that. Zelda said

because they were dirty. And ater everything was mopped

up and Mom got all the dinosaurs out, there was one sod-

den, mutilated thing let at the bottom o the machine.

That would be my an. Zelda washed my Scarlett OHara

an. She said she washed it because it was dirty, too. I

said it was not dirty. How could it be? Ive only had it a

ew days. She said it was ater it ell in the toilet. So this is

my lie: a teenage old maid who sleeps in the pantry and

cant even call a paper an her own. I know it could be a

lot worse. But it could also be a lot better.

Louies parents are going to be married orty years in

August. I started working on a set o mugs or them

today. Im making them with lids because Mr. Masiado


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always complains that i he leaves his coee or two

minutes, its ull o dog hairs, and Mrs. Masiado alwayscomplains that by the time she gets to drink her coee,

its cold. Forty years! It boggles the mind. Youd think

theyd have run out o things to say to each other by now.

Or that theyd get tired o looking at each other the way

you get tired o having cornakes or breakast every

day. But they havent and theyre not. Theyre, like, the

poster couple or True Love (even i they look more like

the poster couple or Elastic Waistbands). Mr. Masiado

says Louie was an aterthought. As in, Ater Loretta and I

were happily married or twenty-three years, we thought

that what we needed was Louie to drive us nuts. (This

is the one drawback I can see to being an only child. All

the responsibility or making your parents happy lands

on YOU. Whereas I can make my parents happy by doing

nothing. And its no big deal i I disappoint them, because

there are three o us, so theyre used to it.) Louies present

to his olks is going to be a movie o them rom their wed-

ding day till now. (Which means therell be twenty-three

years o them smiling and seventeen o them looking like

theyre waiting or the boiler to blow up.) August is still a

way o, but its been in the preparation stages or months.

(Just having their home movies digitized took longer than

the lie cycle o a tomato.) Louies really well organized or


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someone whos so eccentric. Now hes moving on to the

production stage. Hes got a lot o new ootage that hesbeen secretly taking since January that hes going to mix

in with the other thirty-nine and a hal years o recorded

amily history. So since Nomi was out with Jax, Maggie

was out with Grady, Sara had band practice, and Cristina

was waiting or Max to call, I went over tonight to help

him work on it. Its going to be really, really good. It has

everything: humor, passion, drama, pathos, dogs and

Mr. and Mrs. Masiado dressed up or a masquerade party

as Marge and Homer Simpson. Maybe Louie is a genius.

I had this really good idea while Louie and I were watch-

ing a clip o Mr. and Mrs. Masiado learning to tango (she

kept leading him into stationary objects and then he

dropped her, but they both kept right on laughing). I

by the time Louie and I are orty neither o us has ound

our soul mate, I think we should marry each other. There

wouldnt be any sex or anything, just companionship

and someone else to pay hal the bills. It makes sense.

Weve known each other orever. We really, really like

each other. We make each other laugh. We have a gazil-

lion things in common. And theres no one I trust more.

Not even the DAngelos. Maybe I should say especially not

the DAngelos. Lets not orget the time we went camping


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and I went to the bathroom and when I came back theyd

all locked themselves in the car because they saw a bear.(You notice how nobodys frst instinct was to warn me!)

But I know that i I was in danger, Louie would go to the

wall or me, just like I would or him.

Maybe I spoke too soon when I said this summerwas going to be about as special as toast. Because even

though I can hardly believe it I HAVE A DATE! Thats

right, ladies and gentlemen. I, Hildy DAngelo, the girl

most likely never to be kissed, have a date. A REAL

DATE! Well, I almost have a date. I mean, Im going to

have a date. And not just, you know, SOMEDAY. As soon

as he calls and asks me out ofcially. Would you like to go to

a movie, Hildy? And maybe afterward we could grab a burger

or something. . . .And I will act surprised and say, Oh, that

sounds great Good grie! I cant remember his name!

How can I not remember his name? Oh, thank you


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whatever your name is that sounds great. I cant wait!Any-

way, Im too excited to say more about it now. I have tocall Nomi and fnd out what his name is. I just wanted

to put it in writing. Not because I think Im going to or-

get again. No worries there. But in case it winds up hav-

ing historical signifcance. You know, so i we all in love

and get married and have sixteen children, I can say, See?

Thats what I wrote the day we met! How romantic is that?

Nomi says his names Connor. Only were not sure ithats his frst name or his last name. Nomi said maybe its

both. Connor Connor. I said right, and he has a brother

called Johnner. Nomi said, You can never marry this guy,

Hildy. Think about what youd have to call your children.

Donna and Bonner and maybe even Zonner. Itll sound

like you have a amily o reindeer. We couldnt stop

laughing.

* * *


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So heres what happened. Nomi, Maggie, Sara, Cristina,

and I all went to the mall this aternoon to escape theheat. We were having an excellent time like we always

do. I I have to go shopping with my amily, its about as

much un as shaving under your arms with a dull razor.

And no matter how long it really takes, it eels like its

at least a day. (A very long day.) But when Im with my

riends, hours vanish like bubbles. Anyway, ater wed

been in every store we like at least once, we stopped at

our avorite coee bar or a drink. Cristina had to go back

to where shed bought a skirt because shed changed her

mind about the color again, and Maggie lost an eyelash

somewhere and had to do repairs, and Sara went with

Maggie so she could check on the blister rom her new

shoes without grossing everybody out, so I went up to

order while Nomi stayed with our stu. The guy behind

the counter was new. He smiled. I smiled. (I have a nor-

mal smile, but hes got a smile that makes you think

youve never really seen anybody smile beore. It made

me eel like I was a glass o water and somebody dropped

two Alka-Seltzers in me.) He said, What can I get you?

I said, Three iced lattes, an iced mint tea, and a lemon-

ade. He said, Coming right up. And then he winked,

and my heart stopped or a couple o beats. While he was

getting our drinks, he said it looked like wed been doing


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a lot o shopping, and I said, Well, you know, thats why

we came to the mall that and the air-conditioning.And he laughed. I guess because he laughed at my joke,

I got really brave and said Id never seen him at Ca Ol!

beore. He said that was because hed only just started.

AND THEN he said, I wouldve started sooner i I knew

you came here. It was a good thing I wasnt holding our

drinks when he said that, or they wouldve been all over

the oor. And then he pointed to his shirt and I guess

he said, My names Connor, and I said, Im Hildy.

He wanted to know i I came to Ca Ol! a lot. I said,

Not as oten as you do. And he laughed again. When

I got back to the table, Nomi was looking at me like Id

ound hidden treasure and she was waiting or me to tell

her where it is. I said, What? She started laughing. She

said, Excuse me, Hildegard, but were my big brown

eyes deceiving me or did I see youirting? I said her big

brown eyes were deceiving her. I mean, have we met? I

dont even know how to irt. In my amily, Gus got all the

irting genes. Nomi said, Well, he sure looked like he

was irting. I said he was just being riendly. You know,

like servers are supposed to be. I mean, good grie, every-

body knows that. So they get you to buy more, because

you think theyre so nice and pally. Oh, right. Nomi did

her slapping-her-orehead thing. I guess its true what


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they say about additives in our ood. I mustve been hal-

lucinating all that smiling and head bobbing and I-think-youre-hot body language because I eat so much junk.

And then she blew her straw wrapper at me. But all the

while we were having our drinks, I kept kind o glancing

over at him. Casually. Quickly. Like my eyes just hap-

pened to wander to him by accident. Maggie said, That

cute barista keeps looking over here. Nomi made this

innocent-little-me ace. Ooh . . . I wonder who he could

be looking at? Cristina peered over the tops o her glasses,

Did I miss something? Sara glanced rom me to Nomi

and back again and said, Whats going on? I said they

didnt miss anything, and nothing was going on. I thought

I sounded pretty convincing. Ignore Nomi. Shes been

eating too much processed ood. Shes delusional. Nomi

rolled her eyes like she was in some Broadway play. (She

can be so melodramatic sometimes. She really should be

in my amily instead o me.) Look at me! Im delusional!

She said this really loud. You know, so everyone out in

the parking lot could hear her. Heads turned. It wouldve

been OK with me i the oor had opened up under my

chair right then and Id allen through. But theres never

a trapdoor around when you really need one. I told them

to stop laughing so much or hed think we were talk-

ing about him. Maggie said, We are talking about him.


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Cristina pointed at me. Look at you! Something is going

on! Youre blushing! My ace elt like Id been sitting onthe beach all day without any sunblock. I said I thought

we should be going and pushed back my chair. Youre

acting like schoolgirls. Sara said, Um, duh, Hildy. Dont

look now, but we are schoolgirls. I said not little ones, we

arent. Nomi said, I dont think Mr. Coee thinks youre a

little girl. She was practically purring. They were all still

laughing and teasing me as we started down the plaza.

Then all o a sudden somebody called my name. Hey!

Hildy! I turned around automatically. He was standing

in the doorway o Ca Ol!, waving. Hildy! You orgot

something. I fgured I mustve dropped something when

I was paying. Or eeing. Im always doing that. Usually

disgusting used Kleenex or old wrappers. I ignored the

sniggers o my childish riends and went back. What? I

asked. What did I orget? And he said: YOU FORGOT

TO GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER! Just like that. It

was the most romantic thing thats ever happened to me.

Like I was in a movie. (But not one o Louies!) Im not

an expert or anything Ive only had the two and a hal

dates that nobody remembers (and the hal doesnt even

count) but usually when a boy wants to ask you out,

he kind o shues around and then blurts out something

awesomely sophisticated like, You want to do something


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Friday night? I think it must be a sign o maturity that

Connor could say something so clever.

No call. No message. I didnt really have anything plannedor today, so I spent most o the morning and aternoon

just hanging around, kind o waiting. It was like waiting to

speak in ront o the class. (Which to me is a lot like wait-

ing or your turn to be hanged.) You have to pretend to

be listening, but all you can really think about is when its

going to be your turn. The dierence is that when I have

to speak in ront o the class or be executed Im ner-

vous and terrifed, and today I was nervous and excited.

I know Im being ridiculous. Even I know that Ill call

you doesnt mean a boys going to call the minute he gets

home. Its not a promise. (Nomi says that most o the time

its more like a threat.) But I still kept checking my phone

every ten minutes. I even called mysel rom the landline

to make sure it was working. (It was.)


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* * *

Was relieved that I had something to do tonight. Thewhole Mob went to play beach volleyball and then or

pizza. Cristina acted all surprised that I showed up. She

said she thought Id want to stay home and wait or Mr.

Coee to call. I explained that the whole point o a cell

phone is that you take it with you so you dont have

to spend hal your lie sitting by the telephone waiting

or a call the way people used to. Thats why they were

invented. To liberate us. Maggie said yeah, but I wasnt

going to hear my phone when I was charging through the

sand to hit the ball, was I? Reminded her that I do have

voice mail. Hes allowed to leave a message. And besides,

I said, he can always call back, cant he? Cristina said,

Dig you, Ms. Cucumber. Youre getting the hang o this

dating thing pretty ast. Maggie said she didnt see how

he could call back i hed never called in the frst place.

She thinks shes unny. Nomi said I shouldnt worry; its

only been one day. Worry ater a week. I said I wasnt

worried Connor wouldnt call. Why would he say hes

going to call i he isnt? Its not like I made him say hed

call. It was his idea. I you have the idea to do something,

why wouldnt you do it? Sara said well, yeah. That makes

sense. But personal experience suggests that it doesnt

mean thats how it works. Kruger, who can remember


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any melody ater hearing it once, never remembers when

hes supposed to call her. Or maybe Connor changedhis mind. Its been known to happen. So that all made

me eel way better. I was jittery today because I didnt

know when Connor would call, not because I didnt think

he would. But the girls got me so worried that I kind o

lost concentration and collided with Kruger. He thinks I

broke his nose. Thank God it wasnt his hand.

No messages. Morale losing altitude. Nomi said maybe

Connor lost my number. I reminded her that he wrote it

on his hand, so its not like he was going to throw it out by

accident or anything. She said that maybe he accidentally

washed it o. They have all those signs in the bathroom:

EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS. She says shes sure people

accidentally wash o numbers they wanted to keep all

the time. More oten than youd think. Which means that

Ill have to go back to Ca Ol! as soon as I can. But what

i Nomis wrong and that isnt what happened? What i he

just changed his mind? Like Sara said. Then I can never

go back to Ca Ol! Not even i every other coee bar in

the county shuts down. This stu could really make you

crazy. My dad was actually working on the deck when I

got home, so I gave him a hand just to take my mind o

my phone or a while. I hammered his fnger.


36/36

One or Two Things I Learned About

LoveDyan Sheldon

www.candlewick.com
http://www.candlewick.com/http://www.candlewick.com/http://www.candlewick.com/http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/one-or-two-things-i-learned-about-love-dyan-sheldon/1110691399?ean=9780763666651http://www.amazon.com/One-Things-Learned-About-Love/dp/0763666653/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1375379870&sr=1-2&keywords=one+or+two+things+i+learned+about+lovehttp://www.indiebound.org/book/9780763666651

one or two things i learned about love by dyan sheldon - chapter sampler

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