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P1 Humor Corner: Officer Murphy's Laws

Editor's Corner

with PoliceOne Senior Editor Doug Wyllie

December 07, 2010

http://www.policeone.com/bizarre/articles/3013535-P1-Humor-Corner-Officer-Murphys-Laws/

Editor’s Note: This list — or some variant of it — has been submitted to PoliceOneby several of our members. We’ve compiled as many as we could find from all thoselists and present it here for your enjoyment. Of course, we encourage you to addyour own Officer Murphy’s Laws in the comments field below. Stay safe.

 Anything that can go wrong, typically will, and usually at the worst possible moment.For example...

• If you’ve cleared the entire house and encountered no resistance (you haven’t beenshot at or cursed at by its occupants), you’ve probably hit the wrong bleeping house.

• The newly elected Sheriff is not the one you voted for, and he knows it!

• Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.

• Hot calls will only come from dispatch 10 minutes before the end of your shift.

• You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.

• Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit throughmud.

• The mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for asalary increase.

• The bigger they are, the harder they fall... and the harder they punch, kick, andchoke.

• You will invariably be instructed to search dark warehouse with a cop whosenickname is “Boom-Boom.” 

• If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within five minutessomeone will pull up and ask for direction.

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• To err is human... to forgive is against department policy.

• You will find a “police discount” one day before payday.

• Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

• Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hidingbehind you.

• No patrol car assigned to you will be clean, nor will it have a full tank of gas.

• Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.

• The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you.

• Coffee jitters will never bother you until quals.

• Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

• Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the Sheriff.

• You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions.

• If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

• The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how longyou have been an officer.

• Bullet proof vests might be.

• Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.

• Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high trafficdensity.

• Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket.

• NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.

• You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training.

• The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case heis prosecuting.

• Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.

• In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon usedwill strike cops more times than crooks.

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• Do unto others, but do it first.

• There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rearbumper and how well the person drives.

• You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.

• No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another person's idea...usually the

Chief's.

• There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you and miss.

• All great discoveries are made by mistake.

• If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause themost damage will be the one to go wrong.

• The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

• Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

• High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

• If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serialkiller or he works for Internal Affairs.

• If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hitthe bad guys he swings at.

• Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons(living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

• If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you areabout to become a star on the 6 o'clock news.

• Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial artsexperts, department marksmen, Vice cops, and others who consider themselves

immortal.

• When a civilian sees a blue lights approaching at a high rate of speed, he will alwayspull into the lane that you need to use.

• You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, andyou can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

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• Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

• On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and thefarther away your backup, the more there will be.

• Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, youprobably shouldn't do it.

• The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, civiliancomplaints, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

 About the author

Doug Wyllie is editor of PoliceOne, responsible for setting the editorial direction of the websiteand managing the planned editorial features by our roster of expert writers. In addition to hiseditorial and managerial responsibilities, Doug has authored more than 200 feature articlesand tactical tips on a wide range of topics and trends that affect the law enforcementcommunity. Doug is a member of the California Peace Officers' Association and is active in his

support for the law enforcement community, contributing his time and talents toward police-related charitable events as well as participating in force-on-force training, search-and-rescuetraining, and other scenario-based training designed to prepare cops for the fight they faceevery day on the street.

Read more articles by PoliceOne Senior Editor Doug Wyllie by clicking here.

Contact Doug Wyllie: doug.wyllie@policeone.com