nine habits of happiness, by david leonhardt (excerpt)
DESCRIPTION
An excerpt from the full 224 page ebook, Nine Habits of Happiness by David Leonhardt. A step-by-step guide to help you develop your own personal plan for happiness.TRANSCRIPT
NOTE: This is an excerpt only. A PDF format ebook version of the full 224 page work can be purchased at http://www.inkstonedigital.com/index.php?crn=180&rn=502&action=show_detail The ebook edition is published by Transgressor and adapted from the original printed version published by Inkstone Press Copyright©2007DavidLeonhardtNopartofthisbookmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,graphic,electronic,ormechanical,includingphotocopying,recording,tapingorbyanyinformationstorageorretrievalsystem,withoutthepermissioninwritingfromthepublisher.www.TheHappyGuy.comwww.inkstone‐press.com
ContentsPrologueIntroductionPARTI:UnderstandinghappinessChapter1:TheWallandyourStairwayChapter2:TheMerchantsofMiseryChapter3:MakinghappinessahabitPARTII:HappywithyourselfHABIT#1:ThrowaparadeinyourhonorChapter4:ScrapingthebugoffthewindshieldChapter5:Yourcheeringsquad(Yay!)HABIT#2:DistinguishyourselfChapter6:Whopaintsyourportrait?Chapter7:ShinelikeadiamondHABIT#3:CountyourblessingsChapter8:GreatexpectationsChapter9:HappyThanksgivingHABIT#4:Learn,thenburnChapter10:Whoyougonnablame?Chapter11:TakeyourhandoffthehotstoveChapter12:Don’tlookbackHABIT#5:CarpediemChapter13:HidinginthecasketChapter14:DowhatyouwanttodoBREAK:SeventhhabitstretchHABITS#6and#7:Slowitdown,pumpitupChapter15:StressedorrestPARTIII:HappywithothersHABIT#8:ChooseYouBetpeopleChapter16:ThecompanyyoukeepHABIT#9:SpreadthejoyChapter17:PutonahappyfaceChapter18:RealvirtualityCONCLUSION:EnjoyinghappinessChapter19:Theviewfromthetopstep
AcknowledgementsAbigthankyoutomyreviewpanelwhokeptmeontherighttrack:MichaelGreene,OSP,ChantalLeonhardt,JoelLeonhardt,AaronLeonhardt,Eve‐MarieBruneau,andKarenHegman.IamalsogratefultotheresearchstaffattheTorontoReferenceLibrary,whohelpedmeaccessthemanyscientificandothersourcesonwhichthisbookisbased.ThankyoualsotoTheresaDannaforherinvaluableproofreading.Aspecialthankstomywife,Chantal,whoconvincedmetousemyownillustrationsinthiswork,inadditiontoallthehelpshegavemeonthemanuscript.Finally,awidespreadthankstothemanyToastmasterswhosespeechesinspiredelementsandanecdotesofthisbook.
PrologueAclumsysheepandasillyoldgoatfellintoanabandonedwell.HernamewasSarahSheepandhiswasBrayGoat,andbrayhediduntiloldFarmerBrowncame.SarahSheepandBrayGoatwerethrilled.Theiroldpalwouldsavethem.Butthepooroldfarmersawthingsdifferently.Theclumsysheepandthesillyoldgoatweregettinglonginthetoothandwerequiteuselessaroundthefarm.Andthewell,whichmusthavebeenamiledeep,hadn’tbeenusedinyears.Besides,oldFarmerBrownhadnoideahowtopullanimalsfromawell.
SarahSheepbahhedasloudlyasshecould.BrayGoatkeptbraying,nightandday,untiltheoldfarmercouldtakeitnolonger.Sohestartedfillinguptheabandonedwellwithstones.Whenthestonesburytheanimals,hereasoned,thebahhingandbrayingwillstop.Atfirst,thesheepandthegoatcouldnotbelievetheireyes.Stonespeltedtheirbacks.Stoneshittheirheads.Stonespileduparoundtheirfeet.SarahSheepfroze.BrayGoatpanicked.Theywouldsurelysuffocateunderthegrowingpileofstones.Atthatverymoment,thesmallroundpatchofskyabovewasHeaven.AndthatgaveSarahSheepanidea.JoinSarahSheepand—
BrayGoatastheybuildtheirveryownStairwaytoHeaven,andlearnthesecretstheyusetogetthere.
Introduction
Therearetwopathsyoucangoby,butinthelongrun
There’sstilltimetochangetheroadyou’reon.
—LedZeppelin,from“StairwaytoHeaven”
Generationsofexplorerssearchedforit.Philosopherstriedtodefineit.Scientistspooh‐poohedit.Ordinaryfolkjustwanttoknowhowtogetthere.
Heaven.Thesecrettohappiness.
Ihavesomegoodnewsforyouandsomebadnews.Thebadnewsisthatthereisnosecrettohappiness.Thereisnopassword,nosecrethandshake,nomagicpotion.Thereisnosageelderperchedatopamountainwaitingjustforyoutofindhimandask,“Master,whatisthesecrettohappiness?”
Thegoodnewsisthatitdoesn’tmatter—youcanfindhappinessonyourown.Actually,youcanmakehappiness.YoucanbuildandclimbyourveryownStairwaytoHeavenrighthereonearth,andthisbookwillhelpyou.
Doestheideaofheavenonearthmeanthereisnoafterlife?No.Ibelieveanafterlifeexists.Butwecandiscussthatlater...likewhenIgetthere.Idon’tproposebuildingastairwaytothatheaven.
Ifyouwanttoliveinheaven,whywaituntilyoudie?PoetElizabethBrowningsaid,“Earth’scrammedwithheaven.”NolessanauthoritythanthePopehimselfsaysthatHeaven“isneitheranabstractionnoraphysicalplaceintheclouds.”Thisbookisnotaboutreligion,buttheninehabitsinthisbookcanhelpyoucreateaheavenonearth.AndtheymayevenhelpyoufindHeaveninyourafterlife,too.
Heavenonearthisnotabsolutehappiness.IfIpromiseyouthat,Iwouldbealiar.Heavenonearthismaximumhappiness,themosthappinessyoucanreach,andthatIcanpromiseyou.Infact,Ido.Butyouhavetomakeithappen.
Noteverybodygetsthere.Youcanbeoneoftheselectfewwhodo.Youcanbuildyourownunique,customStairwaytoHeaven.Ifyouarereadingthisbook,youclearlywantto.Congratulations,youmadeanimportantdecision.InthewordsoftrackathleteJimRyun,“Motivationiswhatgetsyoustarted.Habitiswhatkeepsyougoing.”That’swhatSarahSheepandBrayGoatfindout.Now,ifyouhavetoask,“WhoareSarahSheepandBrayGoat?”youdidnotreadtheprologue.Isuggestyoureadit,becauseyoumightfindpartsofthisbookconfusingifyoudon’t.
YoumayrightlywanttoknowifIfoundmaximumhappiness.Theansweris:“Notyet,butIamcloserthanever—andthehabitsinthisbookarebringingmeclosereveryday.”Yes,theydowork;Icantestifytothat.
AsIdraftthisintroduction,Irecallaconversationfromjustyesterday.Mysister‐in‐lawwasyearningtoreturntoherhighschoolyears.Thosewerethegoodolddays
sherememberedsofondly.Mybrotherofferedadifferentperspective.“I’mhappierthanI’veeverbeen,”hesaid.“Eachyear,Ikeepgettinghappier.”Uponreflection,weallagreed.
AndI’mhappiersinceIbeganapplyingtheninehabitsofmaximumhappiness.Togivecreditwherecreditisdue,mywife,Chantal,andIreadaboutfivehabitsofveryhappypeopleinamagazineclippingafewyearsago.Themessagesrangsotrueforusthatwestartedapplyingallfive.Overthecourseoftwoyears,wediscoveredfourmorehabits.Sonowtherearenine.Andwearemuchhappierbecauseweareapplyingallnine.
Whyhaven’tweachievedmaximumhappinessyet?Thesimpleansweristhathabitsdon’tchangeovernight.AsIsaidearlier,thereisnosecretpasswordormagicformula.Happinesstakeseffort.Butthepaybackisbetterthanwinningthelottery.
Unlikemanyotherbooksonhappiness,NineHabitsofHappinessgivesyoujustninesimplehabitstoadopt.Not102tedioussteps.Not36majorlifechanges.Justninesimplehabitstomakehappinessmoreaccessibletoyou.Mostimportantly,thisbookwillhelpyouunderstandhowtocontrolyourownlevelofhappiness.YoumightwonderwhyIwouldsharethispreciousinformationwithyou.AndIwouldlovetotellyou.Infact,Iwill.Butthatispartofalaterchapter.
SoIinviteyoutojoinmeandstartbuildingyourownstairwaytoheavenwiththeninehabitsofhappiness.
PARTIUnderstandingHappiness
TheWallandYourStairway
Blameyourselfifyouhavenobranchesorleaves;
don’taccusethesunofpartiality.
—ChineseProverb
Youexist.That’sallyoureallyknowforsure.Ifyoueverheardtalesofconcentrationcampsurvivors,youknowwhatImean.Whenstrippedtothebones,wehavenothingbutourselves.PsychologistViktorFrankldescribesthedesolationofaconcentrationcamp:“Wereallyhadnothingnowexceptourbarebodies–evenminushair;allwepossessed,literally,wasournakedexistence.”Heretainedonlyhisglassesandhisbelt.Thebelthetradedforapieceofbread.
Imagineowningnoshoes,nosocks,noshirt,nounderwear.Youhavejustyourself.
Youhaveyourself...butisyourselfhappy?Mostpeopletodayappearsatisfiedwiththeirlives.Surprisingly,evenViktorFrankelwas.Maybeyouareoneofthehappypeople.Ina1998Galluppoll,91percentofAmericanssaidtheyaresatisfiedwiththeirfamilylife,86percentwiththeirhousingandtheirhealth,85percentwiththeirtransportation,and84percentwiththeiropportunitiestosucceed.Yay!
Howyouanswerdependslargelyonyourvisionofhappiness.
Everybodywantshappiness,butfewpeopleseemsureofwhatitis.
Whatyougetoutofthisbookdependsonhowyoudefinehappiness.Happinessresearcher(honest,thereissuchathing)EdDiener,Ph.D.,oftheUniversityofIllinois,liststhreeconceptsofhappiness.
1. Virtueorholiness:ThisisthehappinessoftheGreekstoics.
Youarehappyifyoupossessdesirablequalities.Aristotlecalledthis“eudaimonia”ortheidealstateofbeing.
2. Lifesatisfaction:Thisisthepositiveevaluationofyourlife.Ifyoufeelsatisfiedwithyourlife,youarehappy.Youarecontent.Yourelaxinthegreenpastures.
3. Pleasantemotionalexperience:Thisishowyoufeelatthemoment–joy,fun,elation.Youexperiencepleasure.Youfeelgood.
Let’snotquibbleoverdefinitions.Twostatuesstoodinthecityparkforaslongasanyonecouldremember.OnewasDavid,theotherwasVenus.Oneman,onewoman,bothnaked.Oneday,thefairygodmotherofstatuesappeared,wavedher
wand,andpoof!—thestatuescametolife.“Youhaveonehourbeforeyoureturntostone,onehourtodowhatyou’vealwayswantedtodo,”sheofferedwithawink.
Thestatuesjumpedforjoyandscurriedoffintothepark.Frombehindabush,thefairygodmotherheardsoundsofgleeandphysicalexertion.“Oh,yes!Thatwaswonderful,”theVenusstatuecried.“More,more,Iwantmore.”
“Justaminute,”snappedtheDavidstatue.“It’smyturntomessupapigeon.”
Thecolorsofhappinessaredifferentforeachofus,buttheyusuallyincludealloftheabove(thethreeconcepts,thatis,notattacksonwildlife)—whatDavidMyers,Ph.D.,anotherhappinessresearcher,calls“anenduringsenseofpositivewellbeing.”
WelcomeStonemasonYou
Lifeishell.Therearefewmomentsofhappiness.
Ifeelthatwhenoneexperiencesoneofthem
itisrighttoenjoyit.Cheers,everybody.
‐‐EnglishplaywrightHaroldPintorinatoastathisstepson’swedding
Facedwithadversity,somepeoplerecitethisprayer:“God,grantmetheserenitytoacceptthethingsIcannotchange,thecouragetochangethethingsIcan,andthewisdomtoknowthedifference.”Thischapterhelpsusdevelopthatwisdom.Afterall,whytrytochangewhatisalreadyetchedinstone?Wegainhappinessbyimprovingthosethingswecanchange.
TheGreatWallofMiserysurroundsus,abarricadebetweenusandtheGreenPasturesofCloudNine.YoumightevenhavebumpedintotheWallonceortwice.Oof!ButifwecouldstandatoptheWall,wewouldreachheavenonearth.That’swhereyourStairwaytoHeavenhelps.ItleadsyouovertheWall.Youareboththeclimberandthestonemason.Thisisaself‐help,do‐it‐yourselftypebook,youknow.
Inthechaptersahead,we’llassemblethetoolsyou’llneed—theninehabitsofmaximumhappiness.ThesetoolswillhelpyoumovestonesfromtheGreatWallofMiserytoyourStairwaytoHeaven—tolowertheWallasyoubuildupyourStairway.ThemetaphoroftheWallandyourStairwayhelpsusunderstandhowvariouselementsoflifeinfluenceourhappiness,howwecaninfuseourlifewithjoy,andhowwecanavoidunnecessarymisery.
Putonyourexplorer’scap.It’stimetoinspecttheWall.TheWallistall.Ittowersaboveus.Oncloserinspection,noticethefourdistinctlayers,eachonebuiltfromstonesofadifferentsize:
Layer1:Foundationstonessobigtheyresembleplanets
Layer2:Habitatstonesheavyenoughtogiveastrongmanahernia
Layer3:Barelyliftabledewstones
Layer4:Pocket‐sizedmultiple‐choicestonesLet’sstartclimbingyourStairwaytotakeasneakpeekatthesefourlayers.
Layer1:FoundationStones
Therearenorules.Justfollowyourheart.
—comedianRobinWilliams
BoththeGreatWallofMiseryandyourStairwaytoHeavenarebuiltonarowofmightyfoundationstones.Eachstoneweighsseveraltonsandisaspermanentastheterrafirmaonwhichitrests.
Foundationstonesareyourgenes,yourchildhood,yourpastexperiences—everythingthatiscomplete,finished,unchangeable.Thesestonesreallycannotbemoved.Theyarepartofyouandyourpast.Nowifonlyyouhadatimemachine...Youmightwishtomoveorimprovesomeoftheunhappyfoundationstones.Youmightwanttoblowsometosmithereens.WhenBenStevensonbecameartisticdirectoroftheHoustonBallet,hesaid,“Iwantedtobuildthecompanyfromthebottomup.”Youmightfeelthatwayaboutyourlife.Butifyou’reoldenoughtoreadthisbook(youare,right?),it’salreadytoolate.Youcanrebuild,butnotfromthebottom.
TheWall’sveryfirststonesareyourgenes.Youinheritedthem.Yourparentsmightspendtherestofyourinheritance,butyourgenesareyoursforkeeps.Since1924,the“natureversusnurture”debatehasraged:arewemoretheproductsofnature(ourgenes)ornurture(ourenvironment)?
Question:Howmuchofyourhappinessdoyoucontrol?
Answer:Today,mostresearcherssaythatgenesdetermine
abouthalfofourcharacter.Thatleavestheotherhalfinyourhands.Greatnews!TheunmovablefoundationstonesformonlyhalfoftheGreatWallofMisery.
Moregreatnews.Unlikeothermammals,whosebrainsare98percentdevelopedatbirth,oursarejust38percentdeveloped.Thatleaves62percentforustomold.Nowthat’sempowerment!Otherfoundationstonesformedwhenyouwereyoung.UniversityofKentuckyresearchersputseventypesofchildhoodtraumatothetest:deathofaparentorsibling,unhappilymarriedparents,familybreakup,alcoholordrugaddictioninthehome,emotionalproblems,childabuseorneglect,andseriousillness.Doanyofthesesoundfamiliar?Theyfoundthateveryone,exceptillness,dampensanadult’shappiness.Peoplewhosufferedmorethanonechildhoodtraumaareevenlesshappyandearnlowerincomeasadults.TheseareLayer1foundationstonesintheWall—theycan’tbemoved.
Justassomechildhoodexperiencesmighthavescrapedyouwithtrauma,some
bathedyouwithwarmth,love,security.ThosearethefoundationstonesofyourStairway.
WhydoIhighlightthenatureversusnurturedebate?Soyoudon’twasteprecioustimestrugglingtochangethosethingsyoucannot.Thisbookfocusesonwhatyoucanchange.Solet’sleavetheLayer1foundationstonesalone.
Layer2:HabitatStones
Ihavethegoodfortunetohavehadapainproblem,
whichhasgivenmemoreinsightintomypatients.
—Dr.PaulKelly,painspecialist
SetatoptheimmensefoundationstonesaretheLayer2habitatstones:ourenvironment,oursurroundings,oursituation.Someofthesewechoose,somewedonot.Forinstance,ifyouarebornintotheslumsofBangladesh,yourhabitatstonesmightbetoughtomove.
MostAmericanschoosetheirhabitatstones,whethertheyknowitornot.Ifyouhavethemeanstoreadthisbook,youcontrolmostofyourhabitatstones.Youmightrelocateyourcareertoearthquake‐proneSanFranciscoorcultivateyourhometownIowaroots.YoumaystudylanguagesthatcouldopenthedoortoalifeabroadorfocusonbondingwithyourMissourifamily.
Mymothermadeatoughchoicewhenshewasjust17.ThedaughterofaprominentBudapestdentist,shewasaneasytargetfortheinvadingRussians.WhentheCommunistsstormedintoHungary,shesneakedoutontheundergroundrailroad.Waytogo,Mom!(Pleaseforgivemyexcitement.Ifshehadnotmovedherhabitatstones,Iwouldneverhavebeenborn.)
OnepersonrelocatesfromChicagotoAlaskatoescapetheratrace.AnothermovesfromAlaskatoChicagotofeelconnected.Wheredoyouwanttogo?AsNapoleonBonapartesaid,“Circumstances—whatcircumstances?Imakecircumstances.”
Youcan’tavoidsomesituations:thelossofachild,aspouse,alimb.Monthsafterhiswifedied,ThomasJeffersontoldafriendthathehademergedfroma“stuporofmind”whichhadrenderedhim“asdeadtotheworldasshewaswhoselossoccasionedit.”OtherLayer2habitatstonesyoutreasure:theforestbehindyourhouse,yourfulfillingcareeroracaring,lovingfamily.ThesearethehabitatstonesofyourStairwaytoHeaven.
AlthoughsomeLayer2habitatstonesaremoveable,ittakesmuchmorethanabooktoguideyouthroughthatprocess.Let’sleavethehabitatstonesalone...fornow.
Youmightwanttorevisitthemonceyou’vemasteredthehabitsinthisbook.
Layer3:DewStones
Whenonedoorofhappinesscloses,anotheropens;
butoftenwelooksolongatthecloseddoor
thatwedonotseetheonewhichhasbeenopenedforus.
—HelenKeller
Likemorningdewonthegrass,youfeeltheLayer3dewstones.Somemightevendampenyourspirit,buttheydon’tlast.Theyaretheeventsthatpassthroughyourdays.Somedewstonescanbemoved.Youchoosenottotripoversomethingtomorrowbypickingituptoday.Youchoosenottodevelopfoodpoisoningbyhandlingrawchickenwithcare.Youchoosetoenjoythisbook(Ihope)byreadingit.Somedewstonescannotbemoved.BeckyFarrarwasatalossforwords.Whatdoyousaywhenapumpkincrashesthroughyourroofandsmashesyourkitchentabletobits?ItseemstwoIllinoisskydiverswereplayingafriendlylittlegameofpass‐the‐big‐orange‐thing‐aroundwhen“Oops!”Goodthingnobodywassittingatthetablejustthen.
Inalessfortunateincident,KimberlyPetrellawillneverforgetthelookofhorroronthesubwaydriver’sface.Amanhadjustjumpedinfrontofthetrainandsmashedintoit...notonce,buttwice.Thatsamemanseemedsosereneonthebusjustminutesearlier.Shewishedshehadnotwitnessedthatevent.Butthechoicewasnotherstomake.
AlthoughintheGreatWallofMiserytheydistressyou,inyourStairwaytoHeaventhedewstonesarejoyouseventslikethereally,reallybighugyourdaughtergivesyoufornoparticularreason.Ortheflowersyourspousesendsyouforyourbirthday.Eventstendtolosetheirimpactonhappinessinlessthanthreemonths,andmostmajoreventsnolongeraffecthappinessaftersixmonths.ThebestwaytodealwiththedewstonesistoembracethoseinyourStairwaywhiletheylastandjustignorethoseinyourWalluntiltheyfadeaway.Choosetobehappy,stepoverLayer3oftheWall,andfocusonLayer4,wheretheninehabitsofmaximumhappinesscomeintoplay.
Layer4:Multi‐choiceStones
Onesimplestoneplacedonanother
istheworkthatbuildsacathedral!
—GoodNewsNetworkcoordinatorGeraldineWeis‐Corbley
HighupontheWallsitthemultiple‐choicestones—sohightheyseemoutofreach.TheysitontheWall,butnotontheStairway.TheonlywaytoclimbyourStairway,toscaletheWall,toreachtheGreenPasturesofCloudNineistomovethoseLayer4multiple‐choicestonesfromtheWalltoyourStairway.And,youguessedit—themultiple‐choicestonestestyoudaily.Theyarehundreds,maybethousands,ofchoicesyoumakeeachday.Thosechoicesareyourreactions.
Ourreactionsdeliverasimpleverdict:happyorunhappy.An87‐year‐oldjazzsaxophoneplayerinNewOrleansenduredastroke.Didhemoanaboutit?No.Herejoicedthat,nolongerabletoplaythesaxophone,hewouldfinallysingwithhisband.HemovedhisstonesandloweredtheGreatWallofMisery.
Question:You’reenjoyingarelaxinghoneymoononaFloridabeachwhenapelicanfliesintoyou.Howdoyoureact?
1:.Shakeyourfistandshout,“Watchwhereyou’reflying!”
2:..Pulloutasemi‐automaticrifleandstartanewtrend:pelicanrage.
3:..ReporttheincidenttotheFAAanddemandpelicanregulations.
4:..Figurethisisonetalenoneofyourfriendswillevertop.
Answer:Optionfouristhehappychoice.Besides,haveyoueverseenhowapelicanflies?Bettertofindapositivewaytoreact.That’showtomovetheLayer4multiple‐choicestonesofftheWall.
Painisinevitable;sufferingisnot.Painhappenstous,butwechoosewhetherwesufferfromit.Foryears,thecoverofmyrésumébeganwithaquotefromAldousHuxley:“Experienceisnotwhathappenstoaman.Itiswhathedoeswithwhathappenstohim.”Witheveryyear,Ibelievethatmorestrongly.Keepmovingthosestones.That’sjustwhatSarahSheepdoes.RememberintheProloguehowSarahSheepandBrayGoatwerepeltedwithstonesandhowthestonesarepilinguparoundthem.Theycouldbeburiedaliveinthatoldwell.ButSarahSheepisclumsy,notstupid.Sheshakesthestonesoffherback,liftsonefootatatime,andstepsupontothepileatherfeet.BrayGoatfollowsherexample,movesthestones,andstandsontopofthem.Intheirownuniqueway,thesheepandthegoatbuildtheirStairwaytoHeaven.
Howdoyoumovethemultiple‐choicestones?Bychoosingtobehappy.That’sthefirststep.Remember,theyaremultiple‐choicestones.Whentheworlddealsyourcards,youcanchoosetobehappy.Youcanalsochoosetobesad.Orangry.Orfrustrated.It’syourchoice.AsBritishnovelistPhyllisBottomesaid,“Therearetwowaysofmeetingdifficulties.Youalterthedifficultiesoryoualteryourselftomeetthem.”
Remember,eveniftheWallseemstotoweraboveyouandyourStairwaypassesforafootstool,youcanbuildupyourStairwayandlowertheWall.TheCarthaginianGeneralHannibalsackedancientRomewhenheattackeditnotbysea,astheRomansexpected,butbyland.Hanniballedanarmyoftropicalelephantsoverthesnow‐coveredAlpstocrushRome.AsHannibalsaid,“Wewilleitherfindaway,ormakeone.”Talkaboutscalingawall!
ChooseHappiness
Ifyouchoosenottodecide,youstillhavemadeachoice.
—rockbandRushin“FreeWill”
Chantalburstintotheroom.“Thedishwasher’sreallyleakingnow!Notjustacupofwaterthistime,butsuds,soapbubbles.We’dbettercallsomeoneaboutit.”Then,afterabriefpause,“Ontheplusside,itgavemeplentyofwaterandsoaptowashthefloor.”Byherreaction,shemovedherstonesfromtheGreatWallofMiserytoherStairwaytoHeaven.(Ididn’thavethehearttotellherIhadwashedthefloorjustafewhoursearlier.)
Exercise:Thinkabouteverythingthataffectsyourhappiness.Writethemdown.TowhichlayerintheWallorinyourStairwaydoeseachbelong?Whichonesdoyouwanttochange?Whichonescanyouchange?
Somuchhappensaroundus,tous,atus,withus,inus,onus.Whoa!Somanystonestomove.Somanytokeeptrackof.Howcanwecontrolthemall?Howcanweevenkeeptrackofthemall?Theansweristodevelophabits,soreactionsthatinspirehappinessbecomesecondnature.Andwhenhappinesscomesnaturally,wecanenjoyitmorethanwhenweforceit.
Inthechaptersahead,wewilllearntheninehabitsofmaximumhappiness.Butfirst,let’slookatsomeoftheracketeerswhocansabotageoureveryefforttoboostourhappiness.InChapter2,we’llstandfacetofacewiththeMerchantsofMisery(forwecandefeatonlytheenemyweknow).
Ifyoudon’treally,reallywanttobehappy,don’tbotherreadinganyfurther.Hey,thisbookcouldmakeagreatpaperweight.Butifyouaredeterminedtobehappy,readon.
Chapter2
TheMerchantsofMisery
Ifyoumakeahabitofbuyingthingsyoudonotneed,
youwillsoonbesellingthingsyoudo.
—Filipinoproverb
WhoaretheseMerchantsofMisery?Theyarecraftyrascalswhoconspiretosellusafairytale—thefantasythatwecansneakaroundtheendsoftheWall.Theybeckonus,“WhywastetimeandeffortmovingstoneswhenyoucanjustwalkaroundtheWall?Theendisjustoutofsight.”Butit’sjustaruse.ThereisnoendtotheWall.ThereisjustatreadmilltheMerchantsofMiserysetup—atreadmillturningtoofastformostpeopletojumpoff.TheMerchantsofMiseryworkinmysteriousways.Theydisguisethemselvesasfameandwealthandgoodiesandapproval.Theymasqueradeasstatus.TheyhidebehindtheMaskofSuccess.Say...Successdoesn’tsoundsobad.That’ssomethingeverybodywants,right?
Question:Justwhatdowewant?
Answer:AsurveyofAmericanteensrevealsthattheywanthappinessmorethananything—morethanlife,love,success,andfriendship.Inanothersurvey,Canadianssaidtheybelievetheworldishealthierandmoreintelligentnow,butwithlesshappinessandworsemoralsthanitusedtohave.Isthissuccess?Justhowdowemeasuresuccess?
Typicalmeasuresofsuccessarewealthandpossessions,fameandstatus.Ormorebluntly,goodiesandapproval.Mostpeoplestriveforthesealltheirlives,oftenatgreatcosttothemselves,theirfamilies,andtheirownhappiness.Theirintentionsareoftenwellplaced.Afterall,theseareworthygoals.It’shealthytoseekacomfortablehomeforourfamily,asolideducationforourkids,goodfoodonthetable,andrecognitionforouraccomplishments.Ontheotherhand,it’shealthytoeatcabbage,butdon’teatfiveheadsaday.Howyoumeasuresuccessmakesthedifferencebetweenhappinessandmisery.
Manyself‐helpbooksweartheMaskofSuccess:achieveresults,domoreinlesstime,getrichquick,climbthecorporateladder.Thesuccessbookswon’tmakeyouhappy.Theymighthelpyoubecome“successful,”whateverthatmeans,butnotnecessarilyhappy.Theymightevenconvinceyoutostayonthetreadmill(withtheendoftheWalljustoutofsight)insteadofbuildingyourStairwaytoHeaven.
Somepeoplejumpoffaspeedingtreadmillthatnolongerfulfillsthem.Corporatelawyersbecometeachers.Teachersbecomefinanciers.Financiersbecomeministers.MinistersbecomeWebpagedesigners.(Okay,that’sstretchingitabit.)Havingachievedtheircareergoals,theyabandontheirhard‐earnedmoneyandstatusto
pursuecareerstheynowfindmorefulfilling.Youmightreadaboutthemfromtimetotime.Youmighteventhink,“Hey,Ishoulddothat.”Butfewofusmustertheinnerstrengthtohopoffthetreadmill.
Inthischapter,we’lltest‐drivevariousmeasuresofsuccess.Whybother,youask?Thisbookgivesyouninehabitstohelpyoubecomehappier,tohelpyoumovestonesfromtheWalltoyourStairway...andtoclimbupontopofthem.ThosehabitswillbealmostasusefulasabicycleinquicksandiftheMerchantsofMiserysendyouscurryingafterthenon‐existentendoftheWall.
ClimbingtheCareerLadder
Therearecareerchoicesandtherearelifechoices.
Thatwasalifechoice.
—actressMichellePfeifferondecidingnottostarinEvita
Themostcommonsymbolofsuccessisanewjoborapromotion.Thecareerladderiswheremostofusreceiveformalrecognition.Afewpeoplewincontests,butalmosteveryonegetshired,andmanypeoplegetpromoted.Unfortunately,manyparentsurgetheirchildrentofollowacareertrackwith“highearningpotential”insteadofsupportingtheminwhattheywishtodo.Bythetimeweareoldenoughtomakedecisions,manyofusbelievethecareerladderistheonlypathtosuccess.
ClimbingthecareerladderisnotthesameasclimbingyourStairwaytoHeaven.In1999,93percentofAmerican,Canadian,andBritishwomensaidtheyareinabetterpositionthantheirgrandmothers’generation.Butwhenaskediftheywerehappierthantheirgrandmothers’generation,only28percentofAmericanssaid,“Yes.”InCanada,33percentagreed,asdid42percentinBritain.Womenstillappeartobehappierthanmen,butAmericansurveysshowthegapisclosingaswomen’semploymentandeducationallevelsapproachthoseofmen.Careerladdersseemtoleadusawayfromhappiness.
StudiesshowthatpeoplewhoordertheirminionsaroundfromthecellphonesintheirBMWsarenohappierthanthosewhosework‐wornhandsflipthroughthetabloidsonthebus.Noraretheynecessarilylesshappy.
Question:WhatdoPrinceCharlesandtheRomanEmperorDiocletianhaveincommon?
Answer:Theybothlove(d)gardening.Diocletianfound
raisingvegetablesmoresatisfyingthanbeingemperor.PrinceCharlessaidhelikesfeelingtheearthbetweenhisfingers.Focusonenjoyingwhatyoudo,notongettingahead.Ifyourelishyourworkandgiveyourbesteffort,youmightgetahead.Oryoumightnot.Eitherway,you’llbehappy,andisn’tthatwhatcounts?
HowDoYouspell$ucce$$?
Bhutanhasthephilosophyofdevelopmentaimed
atpromotingGrossNationalHappiness,
notjustGrossNationalProduct.
—BhutanMinisters’CouncilChairmanYesheyZimba
Themostobviousbenefitofclimbingthecareerladderisthebooty.Tohearpoliticiansandbusinessleadersspeak,youwouldthinkwestarveformoney.RememberwhenPresidentGeorgeBushtheFirstsaid,“We’reenjoyingsluggishtimesandnotenjoyingthemverymuch.”ButonethingwecansayaboutNorthAmericaisthatwearesplashingaboutinaseaofmoneyandthematerialexcessesitbuys.Sadly,asgrossnationalproductmorethandoubledinthepast50years,grossnationalhappinessactuallydecreased.
Studiesshowthatmeaninginlifeandhappinessareessentialtotheconceptofthegoodlife.Moneymakeslittledifference—despitetheeffortsofpoliticiansstuckonthestandardoflivingtreadmill.MastersalesmanCraigProctorunderstandsthis.Hesellshouses—morethan400eachyear.Withagoldminelikethat,hecanalsosellhissystem.HundredsofrealestateagentsfromacrossNorthAmericaattendhisseminars.Manyofthembuyhiscoachingservice.Hisstudentsbecomeleadersintheirfield.Butit’snotthemoneyorthethingsmoneycanbuythathookthem.It’stheextrafreetimewiththekids,month‐longvacations,relaxingweekends,reclaiminglife.That’swhat’sinitforthem.
HowmanypeopleprayalmostdailytostriketheBigYahoointhelottery?Itdoesn’toccurtothemthatwinningwouldnotmakethemhappy,doesit?DarleneDaleywontheOhioLotteryjackpot.The$2millioncameinhandy,thankyouverymuch,butitturnsoutsheisstillthesamepersonshewasbefore.AstudybytheOntarioLotteryCorporationrevealsthat85percentofwinnersmakenomajorchangeinlifestyle.
Bigbuckswon’tmoveyourstones.Amazing.Thinkaboutallthemoneyspentsellingusavisionofhowourlivescouldimproveifonly,ifonly...Andthinkabouthowmuchwespendonlotterytickets,hopingto“upgrade”ourlifestyles.Wow.
TheLandofSilkandMoneyisnoPromisedLand.Winninghugegobsofcashmightactuallymakeapersonlesshappy.Howcanlife’ssimplepleasureshopetomeasureuptosucheuphoria?Hugewinning.Megaspending.Pricelessluxuries.Anunhappypoorwomancanatleastfantasizeaboutstrikinggold.Butifshewinsthelottery,what’sleftwhentheBigYahoofades?Anunhappywomanwithnomorefantasyofhappiness,that’swhat.
RememberKingMidas?TheGreekGodDionysusgrantedhimthewishofhischoice.“IwishthateverythingItouchturnstogold,”herepliedwithglee(andgreed).Butwhenhetouchedhiswifeanddaughter,theirmotionlessgoldenfigureswereoflittlecomfortto
him.Whenallhisfoodalsoturnedtogold,Midasfacedstarvation.Becarefulwhatyouaskfor;youmightgetit.
OneSaturdayevening,arichBelAircoupleaskedtheirlive‐inmaidifshewouldbekindenoughtokeepherdooropen.Thecoupleheardthejoyandlaughterfromthemaids,thechauffeur,andtheirfriendseverySaturdaynight,andthecouplewantedtoseeitandexperiencethejoy,too.Itturnsoutthatthesongiswrong:youcan’tbuytheStairwaytoHeaven.
SotakecomfortthatTomHanks($71.5million),MichaelJordan($30millionbeforeendorsements,justforbouncingandthrowingaball),andClaudiaSchiffer($9millionjustforwalkingandwearingmakeup)arenohappierthanyouforalltheirmoney.
TheRootofAllEvil
Iboughtaticketfor$100,
thinkingIwouldbegiving$100tocharity—
nowIcangive$1million.
—HeartandStrokeFoundationlotterywinnerGeraldSwan
Question:Ismoneytherootofallevil?
Answer:NotaccordingtotheBible.Itsays,“Theloveofmoney”istherootofallevil(1Timothy,6:10).
FinancialguruMichaelPhillipscallsmoneyanightmare:“Eightypercentofpeopleinjailaretherebecauseofmoney‐relatedcrimes...robbery,burglary,larceny,forgery,andautotheft.”
ManyAmericansfeargreedhasovertakenrespect,honesty,andcommunityparticipation.Greed,researcherssuggest,isnotthedesireformoney;greedisplacingmoreimportanceonmoneythanonvalues.Americans’fearsmightbejustified.In1975,just38percentofAmericanssaidtheywanttoearn“alotofmoney.”By1994,63percentsaidso.
Wemeasureourwealthagainstever‐swellingexpectations...andcanweeverinflateexpectations!Peoplelivinginghettosandlow‐incomehousingprojectstodayownmoreTVs,VCRs,anddesignerclothesthandidsuburbanitesof50yearsago.Wedon’tfeelsatisfied—nomatterhowmuchweaccumulate.Billionsofdollarsofadvertisingconspiretoconvinceusweneedthelatesttoothpaste,car,snack,cosmetic,orgadgettobehappy.Andwefeelinadequatefornothavingit.Nowisn’tthattheultimateirony?Theadvertisingthattellsushowtobehappyis,infact,a
majorcauseofunhappiness.
Thehell‐bentpursuitofmoneyandpossessionshasbeendubbed“affluenza.”Everwonderhowsomefamiliesseemsocontentonlessthan$20,000peryear?Broke,butcontent.
Otherfamiliescan’tseemtopaythebillsonmorethan$200,000.Theycomplainaboutthecostofmilkandgasoline.Theycomplainabouthightaxes.Andtheyactuallysoundpoor,despitetheiraffluence.Nowonder—imaginetheburdenofbelongingtoalltherightsocialclubs,sendingthekidstoalltherightschools,andwearingalltherightlabels.Awshucks,doesn’tthatjustbringateartoyoureye?No?Wellitshould.Theymighthaveallthemoneyyouwishyouhad,but,iftheirexpectationsrisewiththeirincome,theydon’tappreciateit.Themoralofthestoryisthis:don’tletyourincomedetermineyouroutcome.Andhere’sabonus:unlikeincome,happinessistax‐free.
Moneycan’tbuyhappiness.Well,actuallyitcan.OnSkidRow,alittleextramoneycanmakeabigdifference.Wealthandhealthsharethisincommon:theydon’tbringjoy,buttheirabsencecanleavepuremisery.
Andsometimesmoneyreleasesthehappinessgeniefromthebottle.ClaudeMonetwon100,000francsinthe1891Frenchlottery.Itallowedhimtoquithisjobandpaint,whichiswhatheyearnedtodo.Somoneycanbeuseful.Theloveofmoney,however,istherootofallevil.
What’sinYourToybox
Idon’tknowwhetherit’sthefinestpublichousinginAmerica
orthecrownjewelofprisonlife.It’saveryisolatinglife.
—PresidentBillClintononlifeintheWhiteHouse
“Whoeverdieswiththemosttoyswins.”You’veprobablyreadthebumpersticker.Youprobablyevenlaughed.Okay,morelikelyyougroaned.Butmanyofusliveourlivesthatway.
Lifeisnotastockpilingcontest.Thereareahandfulofthingswereallyneed.Food,clothing,shelter,water.Therestisextra.Everythingelseisabonus.Aren’twelucky!
Unfortunately,wehavecometoexpectmore.Wefeelentitled.Insteadofappreciatingthebountywehave,wecovetthingswedon’thave.
PhiThetaKappaAdvisorDonForancalls“obscene”adsproclaimingthat“aRolexwatchistheultimateexpressionoflove,”or,“Proveyourlovetoher;buyherdiamonds.”Yourgoalshouldnotbetocollectallthemultiple‐choicestones;it
shouldbetomovethemfromtheWalltoyourStairway.Stonesinyourpocketareworth,well,stonesinyourpocket.ButonyourStairway,youcanstandonthemandreachHeaven.
OneyounggirlfromLondon,Ontario,putsthingsinperspective:“MaybeyouadultsbuyBeanieBabiesinordertomakemoney,butwekidsbuythembecausewelikethem.I’mgladI’makid.”
Exercise:Writedownalistofthethingsyoufeelyouneedbeyondfood,
shelter,andclothing.Alawntractor?Anespressomachine?Embroideredpillowslips?Candles?Thislistwillbeusefullateroninthebook,sowriteitdownnow.
Thehappiestpeoplearenotthosewhohavethebestofeverything,butthosewhomakethebestofeverything.TheymovethestonesfromtheGreatWallofMiserytotheirStairwaystoHeaven.Ifyoufocusonstockpilingmoneyorpossessions,you’llhaveahardtimemakingtheninehabitsworkforyou.
LookitMe,LookitMe
IftheyevenawardedmeanOscarMeyerwiener
forbeingpartofthisfilm,I’dbehappy!
—actorWillSmithonhisroleinthemovieTheLegendofBaggerVance
Kidssaywhattheymean.“Lookatme!LookwhatIdid.”Theydemandpraise.Adultsaremoredemure.Wewantadmiration,butwedon’taskforitoutright.Why?Fameisafantasymanypeopleharbor.Famebringshappiness,doesn’tit?Well,no.Theevidenceisthathappy,famouspeoplearehappydespitetheirfame,notbecauseofit.
Famefosterspressuretoexcel,towin,tobeperfect.Thatpressureoftenhitsastarwhenshe’sjustachild.Examplesabound:filmstarslikeJudyGarland,sportsidolslikefigureskaterOksanaBaiul,singerslikeBillieHoliday.
Famealsorobsyouofyourprivacy.MonicaLewinskytriesto“pretendthatIdon’tnoticethatanybodynoticesme.”MerylStreepseeksoutneighborhoodswherestarsdon’tnormallytread,justtoavoidrecognition.OprahWinfreysays,“I’vedevelopedagreatrespectforfish,I’lltellya,becauseI’velivedmylifeinafishbowl.”Theneedforrecognitioncanalsodistractusfromourpathtohappiness.Likemoney,recognitionhasitsplace.Butliketheloveofmoney,theneedforrecognitionbreedsmisery.
AreYouMakingaLiving…
OrMakingaDying?
Atleastpartofthereasonwhymostseniorsturnouttohaveastrongsenseofsubjectivewell‐beingisthatmanyofthedolefulorquerulousmembersoftheirbirthcohorthavediedoff!
—happinessresearcherDavidLykken
Deathistheultimateculminationoflife.ContrarytowhattheEgyptianpharaohsbelieved,youreallycan’ttakeitwithyou.Whateverliesbeyond,youcan’ttakefame.Youcan’ttakewealth.Youcan’ttakethetoys.Attheendofthechessgame,thekingsandthepawnsaretossedintothesamewoodenbox.Youmighthaveheardofthemultimillionairewhodiedinhissleep.Thetabloidspesteredhisson,“Howmuchdidheleave?”Hissonresponded,“Heleftitall.”OrasAlexandertheGreat’sepitaphreads:“Atombnowsufficesforwhomthewholeworldwasnotsufficient.”
WhocanforgetthepoignantsceneofCitizenKaneonhisdeathbedrecallingnotthenewspaperempirehebuiltasanadult,butatoyheplayedwithasachild?
Manyreligionssaywecantakeourspirit,butnonesaywecantakestatuswithus.Status.That’swhatallthestandardmeasuresofsuccessamountto.Excellinginone’scareerusuallymeanstakingmoremoney,whichmeansbuyingabiggerhouse,afanciercar,thelatestfashions.WetoilfortheseMasksofSuccess.Byflauntingourstatus,weimpressotherpeople.
Itmakessense.Ifyourneighborisanarchitect,howdoyouknowifshe’sagoodarchitect?Ifhe’sanaccountant,howcanyoutellifhe’sagoodaccountant?Ifhe’sanengineer,howwouldyouguessifhe’sagoodengineer?
Theonlywayanoutsidercanrecognizeaperson’scareervalueisbyincome,andtheonlywaytoevaluateincomeisbythehouse,thecar,thefashions.Aftersellinghiscompanyfornearly$6billion,formerInternettycoonMarkCubanexplains,“Moneyisascoreboardwhereyoucanrankhowyou’redoingagainstotherpeople.”Whileyou’restillalive,thatis.
HowDoYouDefineSuccess?
I’dratherbeafailureatsomethingIenjoythanasuccessatsomethingIhate.
—comedianGeorgeBurns.
Sohowdoyoudefinesuccess?Therearecountlessanswerstothisquestion,buttheyallboildowntojusttwo.Youcandefinesuccessasimpressingyourself:thatyouarehappy,thatyoustandbyyourvalues,thatyoufeelfulfilled,thatyoulove.Oryoucandefinesuccessasimpressingothers:thatyouhavefame,status,money,toys,oreventheappearanceofahappyfamily.ThesearetheMasksofSuccesspeddledbytheMerchantsofMisery.
PeggyMoylan,aseniorvicepresidentofadvertisinggiantJ.WalterThompson,wasaskedaboutsuccess:“Thatisajudgementotherpeoplemakeaboutyou.Thisismylife,Ifocusmoreonbeinghappy.”
Buthowdoyourecognizesuccesswhenyouseeit?Whenhaveyou“madeit”?Howmuchisenough?WhenJuliaRobertsacceptedthepartofErinBrockovich,shedecideditwouldbethelastroleshewouldplayforawhile,theculminatingexperienceshehadworkedtoward.
InternetentrepreneurGregGianforteknewhowmuchisenough.Withawifeandkids,lifeontheroadfivedaysaweekwasjusttoogrueling.“Atsomepointwedrewthefinishline—thepointatwhichweknewwe’dhadenough.”
Mostofuscan’tstop,evenifweaccumulatemorethanwehadeverdreamedof.Onceonthespeedingtreadmill,theonlyanswerto“Howmuchisenough?”seemstobe,“More.”
CharliewasfishingattheendofapierinaquietTennesseelake.Everytimehecaughtafish,hewouldthrowitbackinthewater.Astrangerhadbeenwatching.“Whydoyoukeepthrowingawaythefish?”heasked.
“Idon’tneedthem,”Charlieanswered.
“Butyoucouldsellthem,”thestrangerreplied.
“WhywouldIwanttodothat?”Charlieasked.“Well,thenyoucouldbuyyourselfbetterrodsandmorebait,”thestrangerreplied.
“Why?”Charliepersisted.
“Tocatchmorefish.”
“Why?”
“Tomakemoremoney,ofcourse.”
“Why?”
“Soyoucanexpandyourbusinessandmakeevenmoremoney,”thestrangerdeclared.
“WhywouldIwanttodothat?”Charliewantedtoknow.
“Soyoucanaffordtospendallthetimeyoulikeoutherefishing,”repliedthe
exasperatedstranger.
“ButIalreadydothat,”Charliereplied.Andhepaidnomoreattentiontothefrustratedstranger.
Allthroughthischapter,we’veseenexamplesofhowhappinessgrowsfromwithin.Ifwekeeppursuing“success,”thinkingitwillmakeushappy,weriskbeingallthemoreunhappy.Doingthingstobecomemoresuccessfulisafabulouswaytoavoiddoingthingsthatcouldreallycreatehappiness.
Intheend,mostpeoplesecurefromlifewhattheywant.Theymightthinktheywantsomethingelse—happiness,forinstance—butiftheypursuegoalsthatleadinanotherdirection...
Youhaveonlyonelifetolive.Thisisnotadressrehearsal.Yougetnosecondchance.Thechoiceisyours.
Question:Rememberhowwetalkedaboutdeathearlieron.WeevenreadAlexandertheGreat’sepitaph.Herearetwotombstoneinscriptions.Whichonedoyouwantwrittenonyours?
1:Apersonwhospreadjoyfarandnear.
2:Richandimpressedpeoplefarandnear.
Answer:Thereisnorightanswer.Thisone’suptoyou.
SarahSheepisnotyetreadytodie,andIpresumeyouarenoteither.
Sheknowsthemeaningofsuccess.Sheknowshowmuchisenough.Whensheescapesthewellshefellinto,thatwillbeenough.Setyoursightsonwhatyoureallymeanby“success.”
Thehabitsinthisbookwillworkforyouonlyifyoulethappinessgrowinsideyou.Youhavetodecidewhichismoreimportanttoyou—happinessorsuccess.Moneyishandy.Toyscanbeuseful.Recognitionisrewarding.ButtheycannotcarryyouaroundtheWall.IftheydistractyoufrombuildingyourStairway,theMerchantsofMiserywilldefeatyourquestforhappiness.
Alreadyyouhaveadvancedfurtherinthisbookthanyoumightthink.Youarenowabletorecognizethedifferencebetweenwhatyoucanandcannotchange—whichstonesyoucanmovefromtheGreatWallofMiserytoyourStairwaytoHeaven.YoucanunmasktheMerchantsofMiserywhotrytodistractyoufrombuildingyourStairway.Yourtoolsaretheninehabitsofmaximumhappiness.Inthenextchapter,let’sfindoutwhythesetoolsaresouseful.Thenyou’llbereadytostartbuildingyourStairwaywiththem.
Exercise:Writedownthefivemostimportantthingsinyourlife—thethingsthatattheendofyourlifeyouwanttohaveachieved.Theymightbecareer,family,church,character,hobbies,charity,whatever.Thenlistthestepsyouhavetotaketobesuccessfulforeachitem.Thisisyourlifeplanforsuccess.Thisishowyoudefinesuccess.
Chapter3
MakingHappinessaHabit
Betweensayinganddoing,manyapairofshoesiswornout.
—Italianproverb
BrayGoatfacesachallenge.Afterall,he’sjustasillyoldgoat.Shakingoffstonesandsteppingupdoesnotcomenaturallytohim.Hehastostopandthinkaboutiteachtime.Thatpresentsachallenge.
Lifeisado‐it‐yourselfproject,andthisisyourblueprintforhappiness.YousupplythehammerandchiselandshovelandbruteforcetoliftthestonesfromtheWalltoyourStairway.Thisbookisyourguidetomovingthestones.Butlet’sfaceit,thebookwillnotmovethestones.That’syourjobasstonemason,andtheninehabitsareyourpowertools.
BrayGoatandSarahSheepeventuallydiscoverthatshakingoffstonesandsteppingontothembecomesahabitiftheykeepatit.Withtime,theynolongerhavetothinkaboutwhattodo.Thatleavesthemwithmoreenergytoshaketheirbacksandlifttheirlegs.Asyoudevelophabits,itwillbecomeeasierforyou,too.Thepowerofhabits!
Happinessisnotaproductofhabitsalone,ofcourse.BoththeGreatWallofMiseryandyourStairwaytoHeavenarebuiltfromvariouskindsofstones.Forinstance,charactertraitsplayaroleinyourhappiness.Researchersidentifyfourcharactertraitscommontomosthappypeople:asenseofcontrol,anoptimisticoutlook,highself‐esteem,andanextrovertedpersonality.
Mostofthehabitsinthisbookactuallyhelpyoubuildonthosecharactertraitsifyouhavethem,orcreatethemifyoudon’t.(That’sabonusofferyoudidn’tevenhavetopayfor.Nowdoesn’tthatmakeyoufeelhappy?)
Happinessalsoflowsfromlifestrategies.Youcanmakedecisionsaboutthese,too.Doyouwishtobeanofficeclerkoramoviestuntperson?Doyouchooseahermit’slifeonasecludedisland,ordoyouprefertoraiseninechildreninabustlinghousehold?Isyournotionofblissacouch,ablanket,andtheremotecontrol,ordoyoupreferskiingandscubadiving?
Wewon’ttalkaboutlifestrategiesinthisbook.Thosearehabitatstones,andtheyarefartoopersonalforabooktoguideyou.Habits,ontheotherhand,canhelpyoubehappier,whateverlifestrategyyouchoose.
Knowledgealsofavorshappiness.Thebrainburns15calorieseachhour,whetherthinkingoridling,soyoumightaswelluseit.Butknowledgealonewillnotmakeyouhappy.ConsiderLorettaLaRoche,aBostonarealectureronstressandhumor.Sherecountshowsheandherhusband,astressmanagementconsultant,startavacationbygettingallhotunderthecollaroverchangeatatollbooth.Their
knowledgeaboutstressmanagementdidhelpthemgetpasttheincidentandlaughaboutit,butthatknowledgedidnotexemptthemfrombasicemotions.
Inanotherinstance,HarvardsocialpsychologistRogerBrownrecallsdrivingintoanarrowstreetjustasanothercarturnedintotheoppositeend.They“cameatoneanotherliketwocombativemice,gettingangrierasweapproached,untilatclosequartersIrecognizedacolleague.”Atthatmoment,angerswitchedtosmiles.Despitehiseducationandprofessionasapsychologist,hewasnotexemptfromthepowerofemotions.
Nomatterhowmuchyoulearnfromthisbook,youwillbenefitprimarilywhenyouformhabitsfromtheinformation.That’swhywefocusonhabits—nottraits,notlifestrategies,notknowledge.HabitshelpyoumovethestonestoyourStairwaytoHeavensoyoucanclimbupontop.
Somebooksonhappinesspretendtheycancovereverythingthataffectsourhappiness.Thisbookcoversonlythoseareasyoucanimprovethroughhabits.HereareafewoftheissuesIchosenottocramintothesepages:(AlthoughIdomakereferencestosomeoftheminthecontextofissuesIdocover.)
•Psychologicaldisorders
•Religionandspirituality
•Height
•Birthorder
•Geography
•Age
•Romanceandmarriage
•Gender
•Addictions
WhydoIleavetheseout?Theobviousreasoniswitheverythingabouthappiness,you’dneedaHerculesandthreeforkliftstopickupthebook.Afterall,thisisnotamuscle‐buildingexercise;it’sablueprintforyourStairwaytoHeaven.Booksthattrytocovertoomuchcovereachsubjecttoolittle.
Let’sfocushereontheninehabits—habitsyoucanuseeverydayofyourlife.Applyingthesehabitscanmakeyouhappierthanwinningthelottery,andI’lltellyouwhyinthenextfewpages.
FlightsandTrenches
Mydefinitionofthegoodlifeisnotthemassiveandunrepeatableextravagance,butagradualaccumulationofhabits,friendsandpossessions...thatprovideregularandsustainedjoy.
—writerPeterMayle
Question:Thehigheryoufly,theharderyoufall.Trueorfalse?
Answer:True.Researcherssayyoucannotpredictthatapersonwillsufferlittlebadfeelingjustbecauseheenjoysplentyofgoodfeelings.Inotherwords,thrillsandfundonotchaseawaytheblues.Ifyoutendtofeelmoreintensepositiveemotions,you’llalsofeelmoreintensenegativeemotions.
Somepeoplelookforhappinessinfun.Iftheycouldjustenjoyenoughthrillingexperiences,theyareconvincedtheywouldbehappier.Theyarewrong.Verywrong.Infact,themorethrillingexperiencesyoucollect,theharderyoumighthavetotoiltoovercomethoseexperiences...ifyouwanttobehappy.
Now,Iknowyoumightbesaying,“Thefoolauthor’stalkingnonsense.”Letmeassureyou:youwon’tbuildyourStairwaytoHeavenjumpingfromairplanesorridingrollercoasters.Youmighthavefun.You’lldefinitelygetathrill.Butfollowingthevolatilelife‐is‐a‐carnivalphilosophyisnotthepathtohappiness.
Youngpeopleoftenflytoheightsofjoyanddigtrenchestothedepthsofdespair,butsuchextremesarenotsustainable—notifoneplanstobehappy.AsProfessorSandraMarieSchneidertoldstudentsattheircommencement,“Thisisaverysignificantmomentinyourlife,toosignificant,Ithink,toberushedthroughinsuchablurofexcitementthatthedeepermeaningofitallismissed.”
InChapter2,rememberhowlotterywinnerswerenohappieroncetheinitialeuphoriaworeoff?Intensejoyimpedesaperson’sabilitytoappreciatesomanymildlypositivethingsinhislife.Forinstance,itfeelsgreattofallheadoverheelsinlove(especiallyifyou’reacontortionist),butfallinginloveislikewinningthejackpot.Whathappenswhentheinitialeuphoriawearsoff?Areyoustillinlove?Ordoyoujustlove?Oristherenothingleftbutapulse?Ifyouaimforthethrill,you’llbeleftempty‐hearted.Ifyouaimforthelong‐termlove,youmightjustwalkawayawinner.
Funandthrillsarejusthit‐and‐runhappiness.Ifapersonwasunhappytobeginwith,she’llbeunhappyagainwhenthethrillisover.Happinessandunhappinessarepervasive.Theyarechronic.Theylastthroughhardknocksandtoughshocks,throughgreatfunandthebrightsun.
IrememberthethrillofseeingsnowintheMojaveDesert.I’mfromupnorth,sosnowisnobigdealforme.ButthelastplaceIexpectedsnowwastuckedupagainstthecactusandtheJoshuatreeofsouthernCalifornia.Butalas,thesnowdidnotlast.Itmeltedquickly.
Question:What’sthedifferencebetweenamuralandafresco?Botharewallpaintings,right?
Answer:Muralsarelikefun;youcanremovethembypeelingorscraping.TheyvanishontheheelsofaMojavesnowfall.Frescosformanintegralpartofthewall;likehappiness,theyendure.TheyaremoreliketheglaciersofAlaska.
Oneladydescribedhermountain‐climbingexperienceinMaineas“exhilarating.”Whenshereachedthesummit,though,shebrokeoutintears,andhertears“definitelyweren’ttearsofjoy.”
Mywife,Chantal,isoneofthosepeoplewhoseemotionsswingwildly.Shesavorsgreatjoy(whichmakesherquiteattractive),butshealso“crashes.”That’swhereIcomein.Myjobistobehertrampoline—tohelpherbouncebackoutofthetrenchasquicklyaspossible.That’sonereasonwhyChantalandIenjoylifemorenowthanbeforewemet...butthat’sanotherbook.
ChronicHappiness
Enthusiasmistheelectricityoflife.Howdoyougetit?
Youactenthusiasticuntilyoumakeitahabit.
—photographerGordonParks
ThereisnoelevatortoHeaven.YouhavetobuildyourStairwayonestoneatatime.Yourbestbetistoaimforchronichappiness,alastingsenseofcontentment,ratherthanacutehappinessbasedprimarilyonone‐timeevents.Onestudyrevealshowdailypleasanteventsevenboostsourimmunesystems.
Tobechronicallyhappier,raiseyourday‐to‐dayhappinesslevel.That’swherehabitscomein.(Yes,we’realmosttherenow.)Habitsarewhatwedoeveryday,thethingswedoevenwhenourbrainstakealeaveofabsence.Wegivealotofthoughttothematfirst,ofcourse,butafterawhiletheybecomehabits.(That’swhywecallthemhabits,incaseyouwerewondering.)Somehabitsgelafterjustafewdozenrepetitions.Otherstakelonger,especiallyiftheymustreplaceold,deeplyingrainedhabits.Whenwegetthere,weliveinourhabitat.
We’vetalkedalotaboutbuildinghabitsforhappiness.Onegoalofeachnewhabitweapplyistoreplaceabadhabit—onethatseparatesusfromhappiness.Doyourecognizethisprocess?WemovestonesoneatatimefromtheGreatWallofMiserytoyourStairwaytoHeaven.Eachtimeyouapplyahabit,thinkofit—visualizeit—asastoneyouremovefromtheWallandplaceonyourStairway.
Thistakeswork.Habitsdon’tjustpopupliketheflowersthatbloominthespring.Belikeariver.Throughhabit,therivercutsthroughtherocksinthelongrun.That’showtheGrandCanyonwasformed,persistentlycarvingthroughthehardeststone
onedropatatime.HabitscanbuildyourStairwaytoHeaven.
Onceuponatime,awisekingplunkedaboulderonthepathtohiscastletoseewhowouldremoveit.Lordsandladiessteppedaroundit.Theyindignantlyblamedthekingfornotclearingtheroad,butnobodyliftedafingertomovethestone.Theywereburdenedbytheuselesshabitofcomplainingaboutthingstheydidn’tlike.
Apeasantgirlcarryingtwobucketsofwaterploddedby.Settingthebucketsaside,thegirlstruggledtomovetheboulder.Shewasblessedwiththeusefulhabitoffixingthingsshedidn’tlike.Withsomedifficulty,shemovedthestone.Asshepickedupherbuckets,somethingcaughthereye.Asmallpurselaywheretheboulderhadstood.Peeringinsidethepurse,thepeasantgirlfound20goldcoinsandanotefromtheking:“Toyewhomovetheboulder,befilledwithjoy.”
Foralltheirmoneyandstatus,themiserablelordsandladiesweretoobusycomplaining.Theysteppedaroundtheboulder,buttheydidnotsteparoundtheWall.Thepeasantgirlfocusedondoingwhatshebelievedsheshould,and,bymovingthestone,sheclimbedhigheronherStairway.Sameboulder,differentactions.Sameproblem,differentreactions.Goodhabits:that’sthedifferencebetweenmiseryandhappiness.
Myfriend,Peter,likestorecallthebiblicaltaleofNehemiah,whosetsouttofixthebrokenwallsofthecity.Stonebystone,herebuildsthewall.Enemiestrytodiscouragehim,butheignoresthem.Theytrytofrustratehisefforts,butheignoresthem.HejustkeepsmovinghisstonesandrebuildingtheWall.
TheU.S.Constitutionguaranteesthepursuitofhappiness.It’suptoyoutopursueit.Nowletmeofferyoufairwarning.Gettingstartediseasy.Replacingoldhabitswithnewonesisacinch...untilamomentofstressoradistraction.Quittingsmoking,dieting,startinganexerciseroutineseemeasyatfirst,buttheyaredeceptivelychallenging.
SarahSheepfounditeasytoshakeoffthefirstfewstones.Butasmorestonesslamdownonherbackandherhead,hertaskgrowsharderandharder.
Replacingunhappyhabitswithhappyhabitsrequiresboththeinitialcommitmentandongoingeffortuntilthenewhabitsare100percentingrained.Weliveinaworldofinstantgratification,fast‐foodresults,just‐in‐timedelivery,real‐timeprofits...wherechangestrikeswiththepopofapill.Happinessisnotlikethat.Yourhappyhabitatmustbebuiltonestoneatatime.
Areyoureadytostartmovingthestones?Youknowwhatyoucanandcannotchange,yourecognizetheMerchantsofMisery,andyouunderstandhowhabitsmakethedifference.Youarenowreadytousethetools—theninehabitsofmaximumhappiness.
Let’sgettoit.
NOTE: This is an excerpt only. A PDF format ebook version of the full 224 page work can be purchased at http://www.inkstonedigital.com/index.php?crn=180&rn=502&action=show_detail