newigrlspec

8/12/2019 Newigrlspec

1/31

SCRIPT TITLE

Written by

Name of First Writer

Based on, If Any

AddressPhone Number


2/31

ACT ONE

INT. LOFT. KITCHEN. DAY.

NICK takes sandwich meat out of a bucket to make an open

faced sandwich. SCHMIDT enters.SCHMIDT

Hey buddy. Digging around for meatinside a bucket while moderntechnology is precious, preciousfeet away?

NICK(excited, mouth full)

Uh-huh!

SCHMIDT

Thats great. Youre great. Abouttonight-

NICKNope.

SCHMIDTNo? I dont even. I cant-

NICKNot happening.

SCHMIDTOh come on! Im your best friend.

NICKThats only true sometimes.

(to overloaded sandwich)Youre my best friend right now,arent you?

SCHMIDTI would understand if it was twotickets because you have to takeyour little ex-girlfriend out ofbias, but its four. FOUR.

NICKWinstons been having a hard timelately.

SCHMIDTWell boo-freaking-hoo for BlackKojack over there, things arent sogood for me either.


3/31

NICKBlack Kojack?

SCHMIDTI couldnt think of a black TV copIm very flustered.

NICKSettle down.

SCHMIDTI will not! Im paying for astorefront that is bleeding me,its mating season at the officeand I just want to go tonight!

NICKIm not taking you and thatsfinal!

SCHMIDTFine!

Schmidt storms out the front door.

Nick lovingly strokes his sandwich.

Schmidt storms back in towards the bedrooms.

SCHMIDT (CONTD)Im so mad I forgot I lived hereagain!

(O.S.)Which is another reason why Ishould be--

SMASH TO TITLES.

INT. LOFT. COUCH. AFTERNOON.

COACH has his feet on Jesss lap as she paints his toenailspink.

COACHThis is an outrage. This isoutrageous.

JESSDid you hear someone come in?

They listen, hear nothing, and Coach drops the act.

2.


4/31

COACHThis is the worst bet Ive everlost.

JESSWell if you didnt want your toes

painted you shouldnt have messed with someone who did know what youdidnt.

COACHWhat?

JESS(singing)

Making your toes pretty.

COACH(somewhat singing)

Theyre pink and delicious.

JESSWhat are you doing?

COACH(shamed)

I just thought Id--they are a nicecolor though.

JESSYoure like the sister I never had.

COACHYou...have a sister.

JESSLets just pretend that neverhappened, mkay?

WINSTON enters in full police regalia.

WINSTONGuys, youll never guess whatjust...

Coach and Jess look at him with wide eyes.

WINSTON (CONTD)Nope, dont care, still excited for

me well address this later.

Coach gets his feet off Jesss lap but keeps his toespristine, he glances at them lovingly.

3.


5/31

JESSWhat happened, buddy?

WINSTONI got called into the night shift!

Jess and Coach nod with mock-smiles.JESS

Wow.

COACHWoo.

WINSTONObviously you two dont understand.This is my first step up theladder. Im moving up the ladder byone step. Climbing the ladder up to-

COACHWe get it, man! Move on!

WINSTONDont you see? Im finally beingrespected at my big bust.

JESSWinston. It wasnt really a bigbust it was just you sort ofarresting a friend.

FLASHBACK

EXT. STREET. DAY

Winston is talking to OUTSIDE DAVE who is holding a purse.

WINSTONCome on, Outside Dave we both knowyou took that nice ladies purse.Now just say you did it and Illlet you go.

OUTSIDE DAVENo binds can hold me!

WINSTONI already put the handcuffs on you,Dave.

Outside Dive tests the restraints with a faint tug and thengives a giant grin.

4.


6/31

OUTSIDE DAVENow my hands are married ANDpretty.

SMASH RETURN

COACHSo whyd you do it?

WINSTONIm an officer of the law and its

my duty.

COACH(sly brother tone)

She was good looking and you wereshowing off, werent you?

WINSTON

(imitating Coach)Pretty women can ALWAYS find thisofficer of the law.

JESSOh my god, you guys!

COACHWhy are you upset?

WINSTONYeah, youre hot enough to not haveto worry about crime.

JESS(awkward)

Hoo-ray.

Schmidt and Nick enter.

SCHMIDTWinston, as your humble butsuperior friend I demand you giveup your ticket to the partytonight.

WINSTONOkay.

SCHMIDTIts finally happened. Ivedeveloped the powers Ive alwaysdreamed of. Im going to call JuliaRoberts to demand sexting.

5.


7/31

WINSTONI have to work late tonight,anyway. Ive been called in.

NICKWhy are you doing that thing where

it sounds like youre bragging?WINSTON

Uh, because Im bragging?

NICKIts not a thing to brag bout.

JESSIts really not.

COACHI thought you knew that already but

I was playing along.

WINSTONI think you guys are sorely

mistaken. They only ask theofficers they trust to hold thissacred duty.

JESSWhat duty?

WINSTONIll be manning the front desk.

SCHMIDTDo you even hear yourself rightnow? Youre a glorified secretary.

WINSTONUh, does a secretary earn nearly adollar more per hour past six?

SCHMIDTThey absolutely do.

JESSWhy wouldnt they?

COACHEvery job, all of them.

NICKI think thats federally mandated.

END OF ACT ONE.

6.


8/31

ACT TWO

INT. POLICE STATION. FRONT DESK. NIGHT.

Winston sits at the messy desk with reverence and a HUGE

KEYRING. Hes staring at a clock waiting for the hour to turnover. When it does he sits down and strokes the phone.

WINSTONYou and me? Were going to do a lotof good work tonight.

OFFICER (who has a bag with GYM SHOES peaking out) walks inand gives a disdained look at Winston.

OFFICERAre you caressing the phone?

WINSTONNo, sir!

OFFICERIm not your sir, how new are you?

WINSTONWell actually, I-

OFFICERDont care. Did you get yourinstructions for the night?

WINSTONNo, it seems like nobody is hereat all they just like me walk in.

(beat)Which is weird because of all the

weapons and stuff.

OFFICERYoure just supposed to tell peopleto call back tomorrow, thats it.

WINSTONWhat if theres an emergency?

OFFICERThen theyll call the police.

Winston gives a meek and confused gesture to the phone.

OFFICER (CONTD)The real police. You know, thedispatchers?

7.


9/31

WINSTONSo, wait, what am I doing?

OFFICERYou tell people to--is that a hugering of keys?

WINSTON(hiding them slowly)

It may be.

OFFICERWhy would you bring that in? Wheredid you even get all the keys?

WINSTONYou know.

(beat)Key places.

(beat)Places with a lot of keys.(beat)

For people to take.

OFFICERDid you even place in the top 100cadets when you graduated?

WINSTONHah! I placed 97th!

OFFICERHow many were in your class?

WINSTONI dont see how thats relevant.

INT. NICKS BAR. NIGHT.

CECE is tending an empty bar save for a DRUNK PATRON.

CECEIm going to have to cut you off.

DRUNK PATRONIm going to have to cut open yourclothes. Because youre pretty.

CECEDude.

8.


10/31

DRUNK PATRONNo, I just heard it, my bad. One

more Miss forgiving eyes?

Nick enters and witnesses the over-serving.

NICKThats what I like to see, fragrantdisregard for someones limits.

CECEIm pretty sure its flagrant.

NICKThats not a word!

CECEIt is.

NICKUse it in another sentence, rightnow. Dont look at your phone.

CECEI actually cant.

NICKHah!

Nick high fives the drunk patron who whiffs and falls over.

CECESo, hows its hanging boss?

NICKOh, you know.

CECEMr. Bossman.

NICKUh-huh.

CECEGuy whos paycheck I rely on.

NICKWhats happening right now, I dontget whats happening right now.

CECEIts just sooo funny that youre myboss now.

9.


11/31

NICKI mean, I always had seniority, Ibrought you on.

CECEThat Nick Miller, the screw up,

holds my fate in his teeny-tinyhands.

NICKAre my hands small?

Cece smirks thinking shes gotten to him, but Nick simplylooks like hes gotten new information.

NICK (CONTD)They are kind of small. Huh.

DRUNK PATRON

But not dainty. Like, manly small.

NICKThank you! If it wouldnt open usup to about a dozen liabilityissues Id get you another drunk.

DRUNK PATRONDont worry, Ive already been cutoff.

Drunk Patron then drinks the last thing Cece poured.

NICKWell lets hope hes blacking allthat out.

(to Cece)So whats going on, are you mad at

me for not stocking the kegs like Ipromised?

CECEYou didnt stock the kegs!?

NICKWhat? No. Thats why you--cant be

mad at me.

CECEI dont know. I just feel like lifeis getting the best of me.

10.


12/31

NICKI didnt expect feelings to enterinto this so..Im...just...going totalk...slower until they...dont.

CECE

Come on, please, I just needsomeone to listen to me right now.

DRUNK PATRONFriend-zoned!

EXT. MUSEUM. NIGHT.

Coach, Schmidt and Jess are formally dressed.

COACHI never thought Id be excited to

go to a fund-raiser for publicschools.(beat)

And now that Ive said it outloud...

SCHMIDTOh put up your horses because itstoo wet to ride, amigo.

COACHWhat?

SCHMIDTI only got this ticket because fateintervened and Im not even bitter,you should be dancing on your tip-toes, ami.

COACHAre you just putting the wordfriend at the end of yoursentences in another language?

JESSI got him this book aboutinfluencing people in a friendly

manner because hes been havingtrouble at work.

COACHThat bad?

SMASH CUT

11.


13/31

INT. OFFICE. DAY.

Several professionally dressed women cat-call at Schmidt ashe bends over a desk to get at a barracaded filing cabinet.

SCHMIDT

Damn you, Cougar Town! Damn you for making this socially acceptable!

SMASH BACK

SCHMIDT (CONTD)Youre supposed to look at peoplesforeheads and say their names.

JESS(staring at forehead)

Yes, Schmidt, you are.

SCHMIDTOkay, but not in a creepy way.

JESSNo, Schmidt, Im not.

SCHMIDTYoure like a Child of the Corn.

JESSJoin us, Schmidt.

COACH(imitating Jess)

Yes, Schmidt, join us.

SCHMIDTI dont like that everyone ispairing up. Nobody in this group isas alone as me.


Winston draws his hands together like a finger gun.

WINSTONOfficers down. Just like WhiteHouse Down. Except I have the savethe station!

SMASH CUT

A PROSTITUTE walks up to the front desk.

12.


14/31

PROSTITUEExcuse me?

WINSTON(eager and dutiful)

Yes maam! How can I help you

maam!PROSTITUE

I was wondering if I could use yourbathroom?

Winston deflates and points.

SMASH CUT

Winston is staring at the phone with intensity.

WINSTON

Ring! Ring! Riiiiing!

The phone rings.

WINSTON (CONTD)911, what is your emergency?

(beat)How do you even get the wrongnumber!

(beat)No we dont have any donuts herethats a myth, Ive checked a lot!

SMASH CUT

The Officer takes a baggie full of belongings out of the deskas Winston is hunched over and in dismay.

WINSTON (CONTD)(on phone)

No maam, having a pretty dog isntillegal.

(beat)Yes maam, even if its a verypretty puppy thats prettier thanyour pretty puppy.

INT. BAR. NIGHT.

Cece is curled up on the ground behind the bar.

DRUNK PATRONHit me!

13.


15/31

Cece pours and hands the drink to the man withoutgetting/looking up.

NICKDidnt you cut him off three drinksago?

CECEWho can remember?

NICKYou could, I think.

CECEMaybe, but numbers are hard.

(sipping her drink)Like 31--which is how old Imturning without having anythingfigured out.

NICKIs that what this is about?

Nick kneels down beside her.

NICK (CONTD)I dont have anything figured out,either.

CECENick, youre the most figured outperson I know.

NICKThat doesnt sound right, thatdoesnt sound right at all.

CECESeriously, since you broke up withJess youve gotten promoted you

wear matching socks.

NICKIt just easier to stay balanced.

CECEYOU got me this job and you

mentored me.

NICKI didnt really mentor you I just,its not rocket sciencism oranything.

14.


16/31

CECEMost guys fall apart, but youvejust stepped up. I mean, have youeven had a drink today?

NICK

Not yet.Cece offers him a sip and he rejects it.

NICK (CONTD)(dawning/terrified)

What have I become?

CECEAnd you set up this whole night outfor the gang, you didnt even haveto be asked.

NICKStop! Stop!(hugs his knees)

Youre freaking me out here.

Nicks phone rings and he checks it. It says Jess.

CECEYou should go. Ill be fine.

NICKI should go, youll be fine.

Nick slumps all the way down next to Cece. She offers him thedrink again and he sips it.

DRUNK PATRONIm not hearing anything!

CECEShut up!

END OF ACT TWO.

15.


17/31

ACT III


Outside Dave is standing in front of the desk and Winston is

taking his posessions from plastic bag.WINSTON

I have three lego blocks.

OUTSIDE DAVEJust some walking around money.

WINSTONWhat appears to ana apple nibbledinto the shape of a smaller apple.

OUTSIDE DAVE

I did that with my talker.

Outside Dave bares his teeth.

WINSTONAnd popscicle sticks glued to oneanother with bubbled gum.

OUTSIDE DAVEShhh!

He snatches the items up and runs to the front door.

OUTSIDE DAVE (CONTD)Simulation! Load!

Outside Dave flees while Winston looks dismayed. Officerenters.

OFFICERYou alright there officer mopey?

WINSTONI just didnt--I thought thatbecoming a cop would be different.

OFFICERHow?

WINSTONThat there would be more respectinvolved for one.

16.


18/31

OFFICERYou dont get respect by being acop. You get it by being a goodperson and then showing that youare one every day.

(thoughtfully)

We all have a hole in us and nostatus or item is going to fill it,and the more you try, the emptieryoull feel.

WINSTONThat was beautiful. Why did such apoetic soul become a cop?

OFFICERTo fill the hole. Were you evenlistening?

(as he walks off)

Dumbass.

EXT. MUSEUM. NIGHT.

Schmidt is pacing back and forth while Coach looks board.Jess looks concerned.

JESSI dont understand, why wont heanswer?

SCHMIDTYoure kidding, right?

JESSUh. No?

SCHMIDTBecause you have no power over himanymore.

COACHThis isnt labrynth, dude.

SCHMIDTAu contraire, mon ami.

COACHStop the friend thing, stop it now.

SCHMIDTSee, Nick changed for Jess and hestomped his feet and he hated itevery little boy step of the way.

(MORE)

17.


19/31

But now that hes on the other sideof this change, he likes it butdoesnt like her anymore.

JESSHey! He still likes me

(insecure)Im funny and charming.(more insecure)

And have wonderful style.

SCHMIDTYou know exactly how Nick feelsabout his exes and those are womenhe didnt even like.

JESS(three inches tall)

But we were special.

SCHMIDTWere, honey. So now Nick has todivorce himself of his feelings foryou and what those feelings madehim do in the first place.

COACHHow you know all this, man?

Schmidt pulls the book from his suit pocket.

SCHMIDTThis little book has taught me so

much about the mysteries of the--

Jess takes the book and tosses it away with a grunt.

JESSThere! Okay! That was a mistake!Every time I try and change thingsis a mistake! It never works out

well!

She stomps off towards the car.

SCHMIDTWhere are you going?

JESSIm going to tell Nick hes anidiot!

SCHMIDT (CONT'D)

18.


20/31

SCHMIDTWell however impressed I am thatyoure storming off in heels itsnot going to work!

COACH

It is impressive though.SCHMIDT

Its amazing. Its like watching apissed off ostrich stride

majestically towards her prey.

Beat.

COACHSo do we just stay here or...


Cece, Nick and Drunk Patron all sit next to one anotherhunched over the bar.

NICKI dont know who I am anymore.

CECEI have no future.

DRUNK PATRONI killed a man in self defense, butthat doesnt make the dreams goaway.

NICKAlright, its not a competition!

CECESeriously, dude.

Drunk Patron seems sheepish despite himself.

CECE (CONTD)You should be proud of yourself.

NICKYou should be proud of yourself!

CECEDo you just repeat the last thing Isay?

19.


21/31

NICKDo you just--yeah, when I getnervous. But you should.

CECEWhy?

NICKYou had this amazing career and youleft it. You chose that. You donthave to have all the answers.

CECENick, you were the biggest screw upI knew and now youre doingamazing.

NICKYeah, but I had nothing. I risked

nothing.(thoughtful)And now I have nothing again.

CECEYou could get her back you know.

Nick stares into his drink and shrugs.

DRUNK PATRONSometimes I can still hear thescreams when I--

NICKOh my god if I pour you anotherdrink will you shut up?

The drunk patron nods and Nick gets up to grab a bottle andplace it down before the man. Jess enters.

JESS(with wide arms)

What the hell, Nick? Nick, what thehell?

CECEJess, its okay. Its my fault.

JESSSorry, what now?

CECEI was having a crisis.

20.


22/31

JESS(incredulous)

And Nick made it better?

CECEYeah. He just...listened.

JESS(hurt)

Well thats just great.(to Nick)

So now youre the kind of guy wholistens to problems.

NICKWhat the hell is happening rightnow I dont even know!

JESS

Why, Nick, why did you decide totry and do all this now? Huh?

NICKJess! You cant do this anymore!You dont get to decide to punish

me or judge me!

They talk a moment and realize that its really over, andits not just the words or the practice anymore, but thethem is gone.

JESSI guess not.

NICKJess, Im sorry.

JESSNo, its okay.

NICKCome on, lets go.

JESSI dont want to.

NICKOkay, I get it.

Nick takes out the tickets to put them on the bar.

NICK (CONTD)I am sorry.

21.


23/31

JESSI know.

Jess picks up the tickets and walks out. Cece is stunned.

CECE

I dont know what I just saw, butit was impressive.

Nick slumps into the stool next to her and pounds a drink.

NICKYou know what, kid? Youre alright.

CECEIm going to forgive you forcalling me kid and just say thankyou.

They smile at one another and Cece grabs and holds Nickshand.

This holds for a moment before...

DRUNK PATRONFriend-zoned again!

NICKWhy do I even let you drink here!

INT. MUSEUM. NIGHT.

Its a lavish event and everything is wonderful except forJess who has raccoon eyes in the corner.

SCHMIDTOh, pumpkin.

JESSDont call me that.

SCHMIDTIts just a sweet way to say hello,okay pumpkin?

JESSI liked you better with the book.

SCHMIDTThats what happens when you changethings. Mess with the naturalorder.

22.


24/31

Jess starts crying and Schmidt panics.

SCHMIDT (CONTD)No, stop, you cant do that.

(beat)Here. People can see you.

JESSWhy did we ever get rid of yourdouchebag jar?

SCHMIDTIm not good at this kind of thingand your tears just make itclearer. They have an evil effecton men and should never be used.

JESSSchmidt...

SCHMIDTJess, I know it hurts now but Iveknown Nick for over a decade andIve never seen anyone have abigger or better influence on him.

(beat)In a way Im jealous.

JESS(ego boosted)

Jealous how?

SCHMIDTYou got him to do everything I ever

wanted for him and you didnt evenhave to try.

(beat)You made him better. You should behappy for him.

JESSI am happy for him Im just.

SCHMIDTI know.

JESSYou dont know. This was love not aexpensive face cream.

SCHMIDTHow dare you! I know what love is!

(beat)(MORE)

23.


25/31

And I really wish they kept makingthat scrub it was fantastic.

JESSI dont know what to do.

SCHMIDT(morose)Well what else can you do? You justhave to accept that it was great,but its gone now

(sadder still)That youll never regain what youhad and that--

JESSYoure still talking about the facescrub arent you?

SCHMIDTNo.(honest and empathetic)

I care for you a lot. You made mybest friend better.

Jess leans into Schmidt who puts an arm around her.

JESSI just hate thinking hes more

mature than me now. Like, when didthat happen?


Nick is standing on top of the bar, outfit messy and wrinkled, ready to spike a large rubber ball through a hula-

hoop that Drunk Patron is holding.

NICKIm an adult!

He spikes the ball and smacks the Drunk Patron.

NICK (CONTD)Double points!

He and Cece race to take two shots from a large array.


Winston seems resigned to his fate. Hes looking over anewspaper sadly.

SCHMIDT (CONT'D)

24.


26/31

WINSTONOh, Garfield. You dont want to bealone either, no matter how muchyou pretend.

The officer stops escorting a THUG out to the front door and

smirks.OFFICER

Get comfy, first year.

WINSTON(sad-sack)

Yeah, maybe.(beat)

So how long have you two beenfriends?

OFFICER

(nervous)What? Friends? With who?

WINSTONThe guy you just let out.

OFFICERWere not friends, why would yousay were friends?

WINSTON(oblivious)

Because you snuck him past bookingand escorted him to the door. Youalso took an envelope earlier withhis belongings so hed by-passprocessing. Also hes wearing yourgym shoes from earlier.

The officer looks shocked but confronts a Winston who has nofight in him.

OFFICERYou better not tell anybody aboutthis!

WINSTONUh, okay.

The officer walks off and only then does it dawn on Winston.

WINSTON (CONTD)Ohhhh.

(singing)I solved a crime. I solved a crime.

(MORE)

25.


27/31

Its police corruption, so I wontbe announcing it.

Winston dances a little bit until he sees a FLYER up on the wall that encourages all applicable officers to take the

Detectives exam.

He gives an honest and full smile.

End of ACT III

WINSTON (CONTD)

26.


28/31

ACT IV

INT. LOFT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.

Jess is sitting on the couch and looking mopier than before.

Nick enters through front door, they see each other andpause.

NICKHey.

JESSHey.

NICKAbout tonight.

JESSNick, come on.

NICKNo, I want to do this.

(beat)Sorry, I thought you were going tosay no again.

JESS(smiling in spite of)

But I didnt.

NICKNo, bluff called.

They laugh.

NICK (CONTD)What are we doing?

JESSI dont know.

NICKYeah, me neither.

They look at each other again before Nick collapses into thecouch.

JESSDo you ever think maybe it was alla mistake?

27.


29/31

NICKI have to warn you Im pretty drunkand also I want to be macho becauseCece kept calling me a great friendbut...no.

JESSNot ever?

Nick turns his head over to look at her and smiles his stupidand wonderful smile.

NICKAbout you? No. Never.

Jess smiles fully and it seems like they might lean in andkiss before Winston enters through the front door.

WINSTON

Oh my god, are you two getting backtogether?

NICKWinston, why would you even thinkthat!

WINSTONWell the position that you two arein, plus the fact that Nick is verydressed down but still in his goodclothes but Jess has been homeawhile points to you coming homeseparately.

JESSWhat. Is. Happening?

WINSTONIm a detective. Or I will be. WhenI pass the exam.

JESSDidnt it take you five times topass the regular cop test?

WINSTONHaha! Three, thank you very much!

NICKYour happiness upsets me in many

ways. Youre not a detective yetand youre barely a cop,you...Black Kojack.

28.


30/31

SCHMIDT (O.S.)Its catchy, isnt it!

NICKI didnt even think about anothername all day because I liked it so

much!JESS

Okay, Ill see you boys tomorrow.

NICKGoodnight Jess.

SCHMIDT (O.S.)Goodnight pumpkin.

WINSTONMaam.

NICKWhy did you call her pumpkin!

SCHMIDT (O.S.)

Its a thing were doing now, meand her.

JESS (O.S.)No its not!

WINSTONHold on, I want to get in on this.

Winston runs into the kitchen.

WINSTON (O.S.) (CONTD)Guys, now Im playing too!

NICKGuys, now Winstons yelling fromanother room!

SCHMIDT (O.S.)Winston you piggy backer!

NICKShut up Schmidt why didnt you justcome out and say goodnight!

JESS (O.S.)Oh my god will you guys shut up!

29.


31/31

WINSTON (O.S.)Guys, using my superior deductionskills Ive determined Jess wants-

NICKOh my god!

SCHMIDTYou idiot!

JESSWinston I wil end you!

30.

newigrlspec

Documents