My scholarship essay.

The first reason I hope to win this scholarship is to give all white males hope.

I believe that many white males think that they are no longer welcome in advertising. If we were, we would receive more scholarships. We see more and more scholarships going to women and minorities, and say to ourselves, “Am I really welcome here? Maybe I should be an investment banker.”

This is what drives so many of my people into the arms of other industries. They go where they think they’re welcome. They become doctors and lawyers and politicians. They don’t gravitate toward these occupations because they are high paying or high powered. It’s not because they believe that creating a communication strategy is less important than saving a life. Or that writing an ad for hemorrhoid cream is less rewarding than defending the falsely accused.

No.

It’s because they believe they are accepted there. Because someone helped them and ponied up the dough to get them there. After all, not all of us are trust fund babies whose fathers belonged to secret societies at Ivy league schools.

I mean, sure, my father has enough money to establish his own university, but do you think I see any of it? I’m going to have to wait until his will is executed, which could be a while, since he doesn’t drink or smoke. I even had to decline Duke and Penn and attend a state university because he wanted to keep his money.

I was fortunate that the Regents at the University of California, in their wisdom, took a chance on this white male and gave me a scholarship.

Which leads me into the second reason that this scholarship is important to me.

I need the money.

I have already learned so much here at the VCU Brandcenter that will help me make a contribution to my profession and to society, and I hope to keep learning. I won’t bore you with the standard responses about social responsibility or respecting brands, or how our communications can and do have the power to create culture.

All of these things are important lessons, yes, and they will shape my actions once out in the real world, but I believe my destiny lies in championing an even larger cause.

I have traveled to 19 countries, so as to better understand perspectives outside my own. I have managed an artist, a dancer, actors and writers all at once, under one roof, in the name of gastronomic rapture. I have jumped willingly from a helicopter onto the Canadian Rockies attached to a snowboard. I have taught high-school English. I have hiked Half-Dome. I have been handcuffed on the side of the road in Utah. I have volunteered to read to underprivileged children in New York City.

And I have done all of this to lead me outside myself, to see the world how others see it, and to impart my perspective to them. For all that I have done, for all that I have accomplished, there is one thing that sets me apart from other applicants.

No one else at this school can say that they got Howard Stern drunk.

We had him over one night for dinner, me and my cabal of artists. He said that he didn’t want to drink too much, so I was to choose for him one bottle of wine that he and his guests would thoroughly enjoy. Well, they enjoyed it so much, they ordered two more bottles, and he asked me write down the name of the wine so that he could enjoy it again.

Inspired by the Cadbury Gorilla, I will work to make awards meaningless. I believe that campaigns and ideas should speak to a brand’s function in fulfilling a need, or at least reflecting a societal truth, instead of some masturbatory predilection of a creative team.

The world needs to understand that we understand what we are doing here, and to that end I will promote an agenda of Better Insights Getting Ignored Demeans Earned Awards, or BIGIDEA (pronounced Beeljid’leelah’)for short.

I will promote and push the worst kinds of work--through shadow agents and pseudonyms, of course, so as to protect my reputation and opinions--to become award winners. Once a string of second rate work is paraded around as the best this industry has to offer, people in advertising will stop talking about what awards they’ve won and refocus their energy on doing their jobs.

Because someone, somewhere, needs chocolate, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a gorilla sell it to them.

I know I will be able to accomplish my goals, to use what I have learned, to plant the seeds of BIGIDEA where ever I land after school, because of my past experiences.

Yes, the King of all Media got drunk on my Kool-Aid.

I hope that you have enjoyed reading this application, and will see fit to grant me the financial aid I need.

Federal loans can only go so far, and they are all that I have to finance my education. I have tried, in vain, to land a freelance gig or two, but most are for designers and art directors, and my talents in those arenas are yet to be fully developed.

Instead, I have had to rely on other innate talents to supplement my income. So please, help me.

A large scholarship will get me off the streets. But even a small one will allow me to buy a better razor, so that I can profit more while I’m out here.

With special thanks to Mr. and Mrs. Peter Coughter, who did see fit to award me a scholarship.