My reflection

the devil

Harderwijk July 2014 revised version 23 May 2016

author : Majana Silvo

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why should we stay asleep if we can wake up

CONTENT

1 : I LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN LIFE 2 : A NEW CHANCE 3 : DEVILS FIRE 4 : THE CANDLE OF ANGER 5 : MY ONLY ENEMY 6 : FLEE FROM YOUR SELF 7 : GET ACQUAINTED WITH THE DEVIL 8 : SHAKING HANDS WITH THE DEVIL 9 : DREAMING ABOUT A BETTER WORLD 10 : FEAR FOR LOVE 11 : ACCEPTING MY SHADOW 12 : A LIFE OF DYING 13 : THE TRUTH WHOM WE BELIEVE 14 : A LITTLE BIT MORE TRUTH 15 : A NEW CHANCE 16 : THE WOLF 17 : TRANSFORM FEAR INTO LIFE 18 : THE TERRIBLE MONSTER "MY PAST" 19 : SUBMISSIVE TO GREATNESS 20 : CHAINED TO MATTER 21 : THE PATH TO THE STARS 22 : THE FORGOTTEN WORLD OF THE NOW 23 : DARK WORDS 24 : LOOKING WHERE I GO 25 : SURVIVE 26 : THE DEVIL TRICKS ME 27 : THE MISPLACED DEVIL 28 : MISTAKES 29 : BLACK MEMORIES 30 : FEAR AND IT’S BUDDIES 31 : INFERNAL RULES 32 : DELIVERANCE

33 : THE BLACK ROSE 34 : CONQUER THE DEVIL 35 : THE TRUTH IS LOCKED UP IN MY HEART 36 : ENDURE HELL 37 : HIDDEN TREASURE 38 : RELEASE 39 : MONSTROUS ILLUSIONS 40 : SHAKING THE DARKNESS OUT OF MY BODY

1 : I LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN LIFE

I am alive and no matter how much

courage I need and how hard it is

and how much I fear it

I shall always love life a little bit more

because there is nothing else I love more

even if I have to give up everything I am and I stay

until I understand why

23 December 1999

2 : A NEW CHANCE

the first rays of spring sunlight make the heavens brighter and the shadows less dark

life can start anew

after the break of the death of winter

life arouses there where it seemed

that it was gone

the emptiness is being filled up with light, warmth and new life

a new chance to be allowed

to exist

19 March 2000

3 : DEVILS FIRE

it doesn't matter how much fire the devil

throws in front of my feet

my desire for life blinds the devils fire

of destruction with the radiant force

of the truth

18 April 2000

4 : THE CANDLE OF ANGER

I am afraid of my own shadow afraid of the power of anger

I think it away

I have to meet my shadow get to know him and accept him

I have to let the candle of anger burn in stead of blowing out the flame every time

while blowing out the flame

the candle of anger continues to exists and the anger will rule my life

and I have lost

5 May 2000

5 : MY ONLY ENEMY

I am my only enemy

I try to run away from her

but wherever I go

she will already be there

because she is me

10 June 1998

6 : FLEE FROM YOUR SELF

people look round

into the mirror

see your shadow the nastiest, darkest and worst

part of your self

you would be terribly shocked you would want to run away from it but this doesn’t make any sense

you would only run away from your self

10 June 2000

7 : GET ACQUAINTED WITH THE DEVIL

in spite of the blackest black of the night I believe in the pure white

that lies somewhere hidden in the corner of every human heart

however it is shaded by our shadow

we loath the bad part in our self we loath our shadow, the devil

we run and hide

we must see through the true nature of our shadow

we must get acquainted with the devil then everything will suddenly be different the shadow will change into pure white

then we will remember

who and what we really are

13 June 2000

8 : SHAKING HANDS WITH THE DEVIL

I did not see my ME I did not see the truth

and then

all that is left over is oblivion

shaking hands with the devil

as a shadow shone by black light

in a big lie

a nightmare out of which I cannot wake up

11 July 2000

9 : DREAMING ABOUT A BETTER WORLD

pain from long ago from the little girl

I used to be that dreamt about a better world

however I grew older

the long gone dream has blown away now I wait till I wake up

out of the nightmare while life goes on

shall I ever dream again

about a better world or is all my hope worn out in the hell of the darkness

7 January 2001

10 : FEAR FOR LOVE

world will you tell me that I do not have to die yet

even though all short of things die inside my heart

it hurts so much

I want to love the world deep down in my heart I do

but I build a wall around my heart

however I do not dare to show the world

how much I love him it is to much for a human heart

it will set my heart on fire

it will kill me

for this fear my heart dies

17 January 2001

11 : ACCEPTING MY SHADOW

world will you teach me how I can accept my shadow

may I meet him and get acquainted with him

to see through that he is a part of me a part of my whole

because without him I am not whole but a heart that is half empty

then I am someone who thinks she is herself

instead of someone who is herself

29 January 2001

12 : A LIFE OF DYING

I feel unhappy because I refuse to live

I concentrate too much upon illusions whom create a hell

that I see in front of me

and I believe that what I see

even though I know

that this hell does not exist I refuse to see the truth

I live a life of dying

30 January 2001

13 : THE TRUTH WHOM WE BELIEVE

nobody belongs to the river of lost souls

many times we feel lost

and many times we seem lost

but is this the truth or is it true

because we turned the lie into a truth in which we believe

11 February 2001

14 : A LITTLE BIT MORE TRUTH

I survived another depression and now I see the point of it

I lived into a grind I had forgotten all previous lessons

I had fallen asleep and I dreamt illusion

through the negativity of the depression

I woke up and remembered the truth

now I can chose consciously my way into a world that looks a little more like the truth

than the dreamt illusion “depression”

11 February 2001

15 : A NEW CHANCE

a depression laps me up I feel that I am

in the eye of a black hole while the world falls upon me

a big destruction with raging forces

a dark grey baby did die

and washes ashore on a beach shall she get a new chance

somewhere else for a decent existence

15 January 2001

16 : THE WOLF

"wake up in the real world" I read in the glitter

of the eyes of a fiery wolf right before he wants to bite me to death

the wolf is my shadow

I only have to accept him after which a bite to death

becomes unnecessary it was just my ignorance

of the shadow that created the angry wolf

now the wolf can peacefully die

the shadow can dissolve into nothingness

9 April 2001

17 : TRANSFORM FEAR INTO LIFE

is it the negative that is frightening the negativity creates a reality

that becomes like a hell and the one whom created it

begins to believe in it

hell exist as long as we believe in it

but if we can accept the negative

as a part of existence if we gain hope

that we can change our reality that is created by the negativity

into a reality that is more based on the truth than we can slowly transform

our fear into life

9 April 2001

18 : THE TERRIBLE MONSTER "MY PAST"

I am being attacked by a big and terrible monster

I take a good look at the monster

and I suddenly see my past

I see the different painful moments

of my childhood memories in the glowing reflection

on this black gleaming fur

how can I free myself of this terrible monster "my past"

3 June 2001

19 : SUBMISSIVE TO GREATNESS

a willpower so big

but what can I do with it

to dream about unreachable heroic feats

but in truth

just a human being

submissive to a surplus that is so much bigger

5 June 2001

20 : CHAINED TO MATTER

all colors of the rainbow dance into the sky

like little Goddesses

they will never know what is it like

to be chained to matter

no the sway and glide

upon the eternal light into infinity

5 June 2001

21 : THE PATH TO THE STARS

a door with solutions

to the unanswered questions

with whom I can create a path

that shall lead me to the stars

14 June 2001

22 : THE FORGOTTEN WORLD OF THE NOW

the years of death have past no more fighting’s

with the devils and demons that once lived in my mind

I killed them and they killed me

a new world has been born

and a new life is what it has given me

a new life in the forgotten world of the now

I only forgot how I must live here

the only thing that I remember is the dark of the night

the fear and the fighting with devils and demons

whom still live many years ago

and now I stand here alone

with the peace and quietness of the real live the devils and demons

are left behind in the distant past

there is no one now who can tell me how to life

because this life is mine and mines alone

and now I am going

to experience it

19 June 2001

23 : DARK WORDS

I awake upon an almost round globe the blurry creatures around me

call it Earth

they seem to communicate with each other in words of darkness

but how can I ever understand them words of darkness do not illuminate

28 June 2001

24 : LOOKING WHERE I GO

walking with my head between my toes

I try to see wherever I go

but walking hinders me

to look through my toes

28 June 2001

25 : SURVIVE

I am afraid that the dark of night will fall upon me

and will take away my live I try to survive

with fear of death

my instinct tells me to survive

mankind lives to survive

and they do whatever it takes to do so

only the strongest and most powerful will survive

but mankind forgets

that she is more than a mere animal she can more than survive

namely she can live and that is quite something different she can live in peace and harmony

but only the ones

that gave up the survival those who know that death does not exist

shall with a pure heart truly understand what real life is

10 July 2001

26 : THE DEVIL TRICKS ME

every time I meet the devil every time when I look in the mirror

and see my dark shadow and every time I choose

to run away from the dark I have lost from it

and when I flee I better not turn around

cause maybe I see the devil laughing at me

because he succeeded again

to trick me and keep me imprisoned into the black

separated from the freedom whom I furiously seek

11 July 2001

27 : THE MISPLACED DEVIL

humans are made up of good (white, light, positive, alive, God)

and evil (dark, black, negative, death, Devil) together they shape our personality

but good is not always good

and evil is not always evil

throughout the centuries humans have stick labels

upon what is good and what is evil

but sometimes they go hand in hand

and are not separable from each other

because we distinguish we distinguish black from white we project black outside of us and stick it upon something

and call it evil and that what we call good

we keep for ourselves but how good is this

we must learn to see through

that we are responsible for the white and the black

into our lives

let the good in us and the evil in us

balance out each other

if we do not do this we keep on fighting

against the devil that wonders around

somewhere in the outside world while in fact it is only our shadow

a parts of us and our personality

fighting against the devil

in the outside world only keeps us chained

into a fight against our self

why should we chose to fight why should we fight against our self

if we can chose for freedom

11 July 2001

28 : MISTAKES

mistakes

are a gift

to be able

to change the world

13 July 2001

29 : BLACK MEMORIES

I found back black memories

that were still hidden in my heart

but as long as I keep on ignoring them

they shall stay inside my heart

13 July 2001

30 : FEAR AND IT’S BUDDIES

in my dreams I meet fear and it’s buddies

I try to hide

because I do not want to be seen I succeed

fear and it’s buddies don’t notice me

but I notice that my dream teacher notices me

and my avoiding behavior

one look into his eyes and I understand it

what the hell am I doing

I keep alive the things I wish to destroy

13 July 2001

31 : INFERNAL RULES

the world hits me in my face with the truth

world

why do you seem so complicated why are there so many complicated rules

whom I cannot understand partly because I do not want to understand them

because I wish a world that is simple

I feel attacked by the rules

whom seem to take over my life the world slowly sinks

even though it can float I am certain of that

even though the world is lovely an earthly paradise

now I can only see the infernal rules

that keep me from seeing an earthy paradise

17 July 2001

32 : LIBERATION

I hear death softly calling me

I know that I long for liberation

to set my Self free from a physical prison because as a human

I shall never know total freedom

and it is this freedom my soul yearns for

8 August 2001

33 : THE BLACK ROSE

I remember long ago

when I was still free and life was life

but one day a black rose

started to grow and blossom

she did sow negativity

in the shape of sad happenings and these sad happenings destroyed my life

and her thorns did hook me up to the memories

my cry for freedom

makes me remember that I am still caught up

into the memories sown by the black rose

scraped by her thorns

shades by her blackness she claims my soul

my thoughts, my deeds and my life I no longer want to be a slave

of this black rose

I wish to be free I wish to live my life in freedom

to interact with other people exchange experiences and thoughts

with each other

to be able to share the heaviness of life together

in delight

instead of being weighed down all alone

under a too heavy weight

I pick up an axe and begin chopping down the black rose

9 Augustus 2001

34 : CONQUER THE DEVIL

I did survive a hellish black I leant that a human can be very strong

it seems a man can withstand more than I had thought

I know that nothing can cut me down

I shall not allow this the devil is conquered

I shall not allow the devil to change my rainbow

back again into grey and black

1 September 2001

35 : THE TRUTH IS LOCKED UP IN MY HEART

let the night extinguish let the pain wipe out the negativity

I did experience them I did learn from them they cannot teach me

something new anymore

I remember for all time that the truth of love

is locked up inside my heart in every heart

of every creature that I meet into this world

9 September 2001

36 : ENDURE HELL

my life looks like a ray of light

I feel as free as a feather whirling through the clear blue sky

blown forwards by the wind of a sentimental song

I can only be amazed of what once was I remember a different time

a cold dark lonely cell of my inner prison

I did endured hellish existence through the bottom of my heart

I felt how it felt to lose the wish to exist

I know what it is like to live life in a self made hell

in the loneliness of rejection and repulsion

the memory of my wish to die stays but the death wish is dead now

the death wish is what brought me real life it is strange but real

to live in light and happiness

makes man forget about the truth of light and happiness but after enduring hell

I shall receive and experience light and happiness with an open heart

I let the light and happiness in all it’s capacity

dance inside my heart hell did teach me to enjoy every lovely moment

and I am very thankful for that

17 October 2001

37 : HIDDEN TREASURE

humans try to steal treasures of other humans

while they overlook their own treasures they have inside of them

humans admire the treasures in the world and in others

instead of admiring their own treasures

but then who does see their own treasures that lie hidden

somewhere in the cellars of our heart under a lot of dust dust of much pain

that no one dares to touch because who knows

which devil lies underneath it

30 October 2001

38 : RELEASE

the silk cords tear gradually slowly the parts fall away

that no longer belong to me I say farewell to them melancholic

they leave me behind confused

all kinds of memories are shaken out of me like autumn leafs that fall from a tree

while a storm wind blows and leave the tree bare

every leaf that falls feels like a loss

in a reflex I want to hold on to the known that once was

even though I do not need it anymore

I must release the things I have been through and give it back to mother earth

in order to make room for new life

22 November 2001

39 : MONSTROUS ILLUSIONS

I am being followed by a nasty, terrible monster

it scares me it creates illusions of dark landscapes

where it seems that the sun has become extinct he wants me to belief

that I lost my way

I even forget that I cannot lose my way

because wherever I go

while I go, I create my way if I would go left or right

if it appears wrong or right it doesn’t matter

it is my way and I can never lose it

I do not allow the terrible enemy to fool me

with whatever it sows I no longer wish darkness so I shall act as an candle

and lit my inner light so I can see

that my enemy isn’t that bad at all

he darkens into his darkness

and then he disappears into my light

27 November 2001

40 : SHAKING THE DARKNESS OUT OF MY BODY

like every day that I have to go to work I go by train

and I am surprised about all the beautiful things that pass me by through the window

until I notice the people in the train coupé gloomy people with a sad atmosphere around them

caught up in a cloud of gloomy darkness most of them find support with other people but if I single them out they appear gloomy

if I only could

shake the darkness out of their bodies if I would do this literary it would cause a lot of hilarity

but it is also meant figuratively in my thoughts I shake and tremble them

and in my mind I see the darkness slowly sinking beneath and eventually the black falls apart in pieces unto the ground

and when the dark screen has fallen

suddenly a light is burning the light was already there

but it was invisible because of the dark cloud that was hanging around it absorbing all the inner light

how different the world would appear

if everyone would shake the dark out of their bodies

the world shall be brighter the world shall begin to shine

of peace and happiness

11 December 2001

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