No Flies On Mr. ThataldooChapter 1

Roger

Mr. Thataldoo had a pet fly called Roger. Roger was not the best of pets as he was hard to take out for walks, but when Mr. Thataldoo decided to get a pet for company he thought a fly would do.

One day Mr. Thataldoo had a bright idea. "Why not take Roger for a picnic" he said to himself. "We could go to the park and take jam sandwiches and pop - that would do" he thought. So he went into the kitchen to make some sandwiches only to find that he had no bread and all the jam had gone. "Never mind" he said "we can have porridge instead. That will do".

Mr. Thataldoo had plenty of porridge mainly because, when he went to the shops to buy some paint to paint his bedroom, he went into the wrong shop and bought the porridge instead. "That would do" he thought at the time, "always useful to have some porridge in the cupboard".

So, ten minutes later Mr. Thataldoo set off with porridge and marmite, a bottle of water as he had run out of pop as well, and without Roger who, as normal, could never be found. "In fact" thought Mr. Thataldoo "he had not seen Roger for ages, not since he first met him one morning in a Cafe in town when he was sitting on Mr.Thataldoo's breakfast. "I'll call him Roger" he thought at the time "That will do".

The park was not far but Mr. Thataldoo had gone the wrong way as normal. When he saw a big red bus coming towards him he decided to get on it to see where it was going. "That will do" he decided, especially as Roger was not with him and so he would not have to buy two tickets.

"Good morning" said the bus conductor "how are you today?"

"Very well, thank you" replied Mr. Thataldoo "can you please tell me where your big red bus is going to?"

"Oh. Here and there " he said "and maybe we might go up and down and round and round as well". "Actually we are going to The Station, but it is not as exciting as going here and there, up and down or round and round".

"That will do. That will do nicely" said Mr. Thataldoo "Would you like some porridge and marmite?"

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Chapter 2

At The Cinema

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Ten minutes later Mr. Thataldoo got off the big red bus outside the Cinema as he thought the Cinema was a nicer place than the Station, especially in the rain. It was not raining at the moment but he was sure that if it did rain the Cinema was a better place to be than the Station so 'That will do.'

"Good morning" said the man outside the Cinema. He was dressed in a wonderful blue coat and a peaked hat, and his brass buttons shone in the sunshine. "Are you coming in to see the film? It is a great film all about a man who can never make up his mind and one day he tries so hard to choose between getting up or staying in bed that he misses Christmas. Wonderful."

"Does it have swings and slides, and a duck pond where I can sail a boat if I want to? asked Mr.Thataldoo.

"No" said the kind man, "that’s the park, but you can have an ice cream half way through if you want."

"That will do" said Mr. Thataldoo, and bought a ticket to see the film.

It was a great film and Mr. Thataldoo thought it was possibly the best film that he had ever seen, especially when the ice cream lady came round and he bought himself a very large ice lollypop and a bag of peanuts. "Roger can have a lick if he turns up" he thought, "he like's sweet things and he can cool his feet at the same time."

Four hours later after he had watched the film three times, Mr. Thataldoo was back outside the Cinema thanking the man in the blue coat and peaked hat and shiny buttons asking him if it had rained.

"No" said the man "but I think that it might, especially as I put my washing on the line this morning to dry."

"Better go inside" said Mr. Thataldoo "I told you the Cinema was better than the Station if it rains."

"Good idea" said the man, "and I can watch the film and have an ice cream. Want to join me?"

"Why not" said Mr. Thataldoo and for the next two hours he watched the very exciting film all over again and had another ice lolly. Roger did not turn up but he tended to be a bit un-reliable.

"Want a peanut?" asked the kind man in the blue coat and peaked hat.

"That will do. That will do nicely" said Mr. Thataldoo and settled down to watch the film for the fifth time.

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Chapter 3

At The Café

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When Mr. Thataldoo eventually came out of the cinema it was raining.

"Well I never" he thought to himself. "Good thing that I did not go to the Station as I would certainly have got wet."

He set off towards the Town centre as he thought he would go and see if he could find Roger back in the Café where he first met him. "I bet he has gone for a bite" he thought "he was always eating and loved trying all sorts of different foods." "I don't have much variety at home, mainly porridge and marmite, and I expect he get's a bit fed up of this all the time."

"Good morning Mr. Thataldoo" said the owner of the Cafe when Mr. Thataldoo entered, "your usual table?" he asked.

"That will do" he answered and went over to a small table next to the door to the kitchen. Mr. Thataldoo liked sitting at this table as he could smell all the wonderful things that were being cooked and it was also the table where most of the flies used to hang out and where he first met Roger.

"What would you like today? enquired the owner. "We have some lovely cream cakes, or perhaps you would like something different like egg and chips?"

"Do you have any porridge" asked Mr. Thataldoo as he remembered that he was eating porridge when Roger first appeared.

"Sorry, I only serve porridge in the morning for breakfast, but I could let you have a bowl of cornflakes if you want".

"That will do" said Mr. Thataldoo, "and please put lots of sugar on them".

A while later when the cornflakes had arrived and Mr. Thataldoo had eaten them without Roger appearing he decided to ask the kind owner if he had seen Roger.

"I don't see many flies in here this morning" said Mr. Thataldoo "not like when I came in the other day. Have you seen a large green one with blue legs lately?

"What are you saying? asked the kind owner, "are you saying that my Cafe is full of flies?" "I hope that you are not as I am very careful about such things, and flies don't buy things".

'Ahah!' thought Mr. Thataldoo, 'that is why I can't find Roger 'he must be going somewhere else'.

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"Do you know where the flies go now then if you do not allow them to come in here" asked Mr. Thataldoo.

At this the kind Cafe owner took a funny turn and Mr. Thataldoo could only assume that he was not too well as he went a bright shade of red and suggested in a most polite way that Mr. Thataldoo should leave immediately unless he preferred the taste of hospital food.

'Hospital food' thought Mr. Thataldoo, 'perhaps Roger is not well and is in hospital'.

"Thank you so much" said Mr. Thataldoo "you have really helped me. I hope that the flies return soon", and he left with the sound of a head banging on the wall ringing in his ears, and he headed towards the taxi rank on the other side of the road.

The kind owner of the Café collapsed into a chair and held his head in his hands. 'What a weird person' he thought to himself as a large, green fly with blue legs settled onto his bald head

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Chapter 4

In the Taxi

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"Where to?" asked the Taxi driver when Mr. Thataldoo got into the cab.

"Do you know any hospitals for flies?" asked Mr. Thataldoo.

"Flies! Flies?" said the Taxi man "I don't think that there are any hospitals just for flies, but most hospitals do have them. What about the General? The General tends to attract all sorts and I am sure that a fly or two will be found there. Also it is the farthest one away and you could have a nice ride on the way and I am sure that you will see a lot of flies".

"That will do" said Mr. Thataldoo and settled back into the seat to look out of the window and enjoy the ride.

'What a berk' thought the Taxi man and started to work out how much money he was going to make this trip.

The Taxi sped off towards the Hospital and on the way it went past the Cinema twice, and past the Cafe three times. Mr. Thataldoo was so excited at the thought of how he would soon see Roger again that he did not notice this. Nor did he notice the fact that the Taxi man stopped on the way. Once to pop into the Cafe for a 'quick cuppa' and once into the Cinema to watch a film.

'This journey is taking a long time' thought Mr. Thataldoo, 'I never realised that the Hospital was so far away. It is a good job that I took this Taxi as I would never have found it myself'.

"Have you seen the brilliant film that is being shown at the Cinema this week? Asked the Taxi man when he eventually returned. "It is great." He said.

"Yes, I saw it three times this morning" said Mr. Thataldoo "plus I had an ice cream and a bag of peauts".

"I did not have an ice cream" said the Taxi man "as there were too many flies in the Cinema and I thought that an ice cream would attract them, but I did have some peanuts. They were delicious".

"I don't suppose you noticed if any of the flies were green with blue legs" asked Mr. Thataldoo.

"Can't say that I did" said the Taxi man "especially as it was dark, but I saw a few black ones on my way out". "They were trying to get into the kiosk and the lady there was chasing them with a rolled up newspaper".

"They can be little terrors" said Mr. Thataldoo "but I don't think that any of them can have been Roger as he tends to keep himself to himself as he is very shy".

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"Here we are then" said the Taxi driver "that will be fifty two pounds."

"Fifty two pounds" exclaimed Mr Thataldoo "are you sure?"

"Just look at the meter and you will see" said the Taxi driver "it was a long journey and I am sure that you must have enjoyed the rest."

'Very true' thought Mr. Thataldoo, 'it was a very nice journey and I did see a lot of places that I had never seen before - some the Taxi driver was kind enough to show me several times.'

"Will you take a cheque as I do not have that much money with me?"

"That will do nicely" said the Taxi driver "will you make it out to cash."

Mr. Thataldoo paid and on leaving the Taxi the Taxi driver said "No tip then? I thought a kind gentleman like yourself would give me a tip?"

"Of course" said Mr. Thataldoo, "don’t eat yellow snow!"

At this he sped off towards the entrance to the Hospital.

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Chapter 5

At The Hospital

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"Good afternoon" said the Hospital Receptionist. "What a lovely day it has been in between the showers. How can I help you?"

"Hello" responded Mr. Thataldoo "it has been a great day but I have lost my friend Roger. I have checked everywhere without success and so I thought I better check with yourselves - just in case."

"What is his name?" asked the Receptionist.

"Roger" said Mr. Thataldoo "I just told you that."

"Yes but Roger what? What is his second name?"

"Do you know I don't know" said Mr. Thataldoo "I never thought that he might have a second name. He has always been just Roger to me."

"OK" said the Receptionist. "Sex?

Mr. Thataldoo blushed and fumbled in his pockets. At any other time that would do he thought but it is a bit early in the day.

"Thank you for asking" he said. "You Hospitals really do give a good service nowadays. Can I have a cup of tea and a biscuit afterwards"?

"Very funny" said the Receptionist "I wish I had a pound for every time that I have heard that." "I know it sounds silly but I have to ask it. What sex is your friend Roger?"

"Again I don't know." he said. "I called him Roger because I thought he was a boy, but I suppose he could be a girl."

At this the Receptionist put down her pen, looked over the top of her glasses at Mr. Thataldoo, and gave him a look that could have turned milk sour.

"Sir. I have had quite a busy and tiring day today but have got through it without getting frustrated, loosing my temper or hitting anyone. Please don't ruin it for me as I only have two hours to go before I can go home." "What sex is your friend Roger?"

Mr. Thataldoo thought carefully. Was Roger really a boy or had he got it wrong and he was a girl. He always appeared to be a boy but who can tell with a fly. He tried to remember how Roger acted. He did like looking in mirrors and he did look good, especially in the sunshine when his green and blue colours shon. Maybe he was a girl.

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"How can you tell?" he eventually spurted out.

"How old are you?" asked the Receptionist.

"Forty Six" replied Mr. Thataldoo.

"Forty Six and you don't know the difference between boys and girls. You are either pulling my leg or you are an idiot."

"I do know the difference between boys and girls, but I don't know how to tell the difference between flies!"

"Flies! Flies?" exclaimed the Receptionist. "What have flies got to do with it"

Oh! Oh! thought Mr. Thataldoo. Every time I tell anyone that Roger is a fly it causes trouble. Maybe I should say that he is a wasp or a butterfly instead? That will do. Next time that I am in this situation I will say that Roger is a butterfly. People like butterflies.

"Roger is a fly" said Mr. Thataldoo, "and he is my friend. I met him ages ago now I have not seen him for some time and I am worried that he may have been hurt. That is why I am here."

"Roger is a fly hey?" spurted the Receptionist, "and you are worried that he may have been hurt?". "Well let me tell you that I have seen some flies and all of them have been hurt. Look".

At this the Receptionist pointed to the window sill where there was a pile of dead flies that had obviously been swatted with a nearby newspaper. "Perhaps Roger may be here?" said the Receptionist sarcastically "now go away and leave me alone before I call Security".

Mr. Thataldoo was dumbfounded. What a way to treat people. How rude. He thought it better to check the dead flies quickly and leave.

‘You should get a medal for Customer Service’ Mr. Thataldoo said to the Receptionist.

Suddenly everything went dark.

What was he to do now? Where on earth could Roger be?

He found his way out of the Hospital and outside he noticed in the corner of the car park a big green van with a large picture of a wasp on the side. 'I wonder' thought Mr. Thataldoo

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Chapter 6

The Big Green Van

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It was now getting late and Mr. Thataldoo was getting really worried about Roger.

He tried to remember exactly when he last saw him and what he was doing. He remembered seeing him in the Café sitting on the rim of his Marmite jar whilst he was having his breakfast, but he was not sure if he had seen him since. He did remember opening a window to let in some air, and saw Roger banging himself against the glass of the window that was not open which was right next to it. He vaguely remembers thinking to himself how silly Roger was flying into a closed window when right next to him there was one that was open.

Maybe Roger had flown out and got lost?

Maybe a passing Swallow had swallowed him?

Maybe he had got himself swatted?

All these thoughts started to prey on Mr. Thataldoo's mind as he approached the big green van.

The car park was virtually empty other than for a couple of cars parked over near the Reception, and it was only as he approached the big green van that he thought it strange how it had been parked right at the far end of the car park away from all the Hospital buildings. It was as though it was trying to hide itself, but being big and green this was somewhat hard to do.

The closer he came to the van the bigger it seemed to get.

The green colour mysteriously changed from green to blue and then back again. Mr. Thataldoo put this down to a trick of the light, but it was weird.

He noticed that all the windows in the van were very dark, almost black, and that it was impossible to see through them. He also noticed that what he thought to be a picture of a wasp on the side of the van in fact was a picture of a creature somewhat like a flying dragon, but coloured with black and yellow stipes like a wasp. It had very large transparrent wings and protruding eyes. How many legs it had Mr. Thataldoo did not know as the nearer he came he could see that there were hundreds of them gathered together in bunches which gave the appearance of a single leg, and at the front, and most alarming, was an enormous curled up tongue which was possibly used to catch it's prey.

At the back was the most frightening and hideous part of this beast. There was another mouth! Not a normal mouth but a one that was like nothing that Mr. Thataldoo had ever seen before.

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It did not go from side to side like normal, but it went up and down and had thousands of protruding pointed teeth and it was dripping saliva in great quantities. There were two protrusions at the top and the bottom which Mr. Thataldoo thought were stingers and that, by the thickness of them, could no doubt come out a very long way thus enabling the beast to kill it's prey from a great distance.

That was not all. The most frightening thing was it had a large, bulbous eye above the mouth. Yes, an eye at the back!

Mr. Thataldoo shivered and thought that when he got home he would look in his books to see if he could find out what this hideous creature was, but for now all he wanted to do was to see if anyone was in the big green van, and if they had seen a large green fly with blue legs.

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Chapter 7

The Plot Thickens

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When Mr. Thataldoo arrived at the van he walked slowly around it to see if he could see anything inside. Not only was it impossible to see through the dark windows but he also noticed that there were no handles in the doors so it was impossible to open them to se if anyone was at home.

'Strange" he thought. "Perhaps if I knock someone will hear me'.

At this he rapped loudly three times on the door and waited to see if anyone answered.

Nothing.

He walked round to the back of the van and noticed that there was again no handle but he did see something very small in the middle of one of the doors. He stooped down to look at it better and noticed that it was a small red button with some tiny writing next to it. He took out his glasses, put them on and had another look.

'IF YOU BELIEVE IN MÉ PRESS HERE' it said

'If you believe in me press here' he pondered 'what on earth does that mean?'

'If you believe in me press here. Hmmm!' he thought.

"Well nothing ventured nothing gained" said Mr. Thataldoo out loud and he slowly pressed the button.

Nothing!

Absolutely nothing!

'That was a bit of a waste of time' he thought, and turned to walk away. Suddenly and for no reason he stopped. Something had happened but he was not sure what it was, but definately something had happened. He looked around him and everything seemed to be the same, but he still felt that something had changed - but what?

He turned round to look back at the van and then he saw it.

Hovering behind him was the creature that he had seen on the side of the van, and more worrying was that there was now no picture on the van at all!

It was about the size of a cat and was eyeing Mr. Thataldoo carefully.

Mr. Thataldoo froze. His legs turned to jelly and he felt very wobbly.

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"Did you push the button then?" It suddenly shouted at Mr. Thataldoo. "Not supposed to push the button unless you believe in meé you know".

"I err. I, I. Oee er!" blurted Mr. Thataldoo, "Um. Sorry. I was err ...."

"Don't try and give me any excuses, did you push the button or not?" it demanded.

"Well err, yes" answered Mr. Thataldoo "I wanted to see if anyone was inside".

"Right" it said "follow me," and at that it turned and moved towards the rear of the big green van that wasn't now green but purple.

As they got nearer to the van there was a hiss and one of the doors slowly opened. There was a very bright light inside and a green mist swirled out from the van and soon engulfed them.

"Keep up. Keep up" demanded the creature. "You have wasted enough time already. Meé will be moaning!"

Mr. Thataldoo stepped carefully into the van but rather than a floor he appeared to be walking on something like treacle. He found it very hard to pick up his feet. It was as though they were stuck to the floor, but with a little effort they came loose, and with a squelching sound he slowly made his way further inside. The green mist had now turned from green to red, to yellow and blue and then back again to green, and he thought that he could hear what appeared to be singing in the distance.

"Hello. I am Mé. Do you believe in Mé? I am not a figment of your imagination, I am real you know. Do you like pancakes?" he asked.

This took Mr. Thataldoo by surprise as he was concentrating and trying to walk through the treacle without slipping. "Well, yes" he said.

"Good" said Mé "I think pancakes are the bestest thing in the world and if you don't mind I would like some for my birthday".

“When is your birthday then?’ asked Mr. Thataldoo, ‘Half past Wednesday’ answered Mé, ‘would you like to come to my party?’

‘Thank you very much’ answered Mr. Thataldoo, ‘but half past Wednesday is not good for me as I am trying to find my friend Roger’.

‘I know Roger’ said the Mé ‘is he a green and blue fly who has a passion for porridge?’

‘Why yes’ said Mr. Thataldoo ‘have you seen him?’

‘No’ said Mé ‘but I have invited him to my birthday and he did said he would pop in if he was passing’.

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Mr. Thataldoo thought carefully about this. ‘If you have not seen him how did you ask him to come to your birthday?’ he asked.

Mé went quiet. He shifted nervously and coughed a couple of times.

‘Wake up!’

‘Wake up!’

Someone was slapping Mr. Thataldoo and suddenly it was as though the sun had come out and everything was bright and shiny.

‘Are you alright?’

Mr. Thataldoo slowly opened his eyes to see the Hospital Receptionist and a man dressed in a black uniform peering over him.

‘I only gave you a tap’ said the man in the black uniform, ‘and you went out like a light. Maybe I should have used my hand rather than this cricket bat’.

It was a dream. The green van and the creature were not real, but were very convincing all the same.

His head hurt a bit and there was a great lump behind his left ear.

‘Would you like a cup of tea dearie?’ the Receptionist asked in a voice that was so false that it made Mr. Thataldoo’s toes curl up.

‘No thanks’ he said ‘would you kindly bandage my head, give me an asprin and help me on my way. I have to find Roger before it gets too late as he can’t see very well in the dark.’

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Chapter 8

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