Mothers and Adolescent Sons

The unique role of a mother in the life of her adolescent son

Suzanne M. Haynes M.S.248.470.9615smhpsych@hotmail.com

Overview

Gender role history Mother/son relationship Changes in adolescence A mother’s unique role Reading recommendations

Fifty years of change in how we define gender roles

Until 1960s: Yeah, Men! Women were dependent

‘70-’80s: Yeah, Women! Women were independent

‘90s: Understanding and appreciating differences

21st Century: Gender-specific qualities have value – We can share power and develop interdependence

These social transitions have been rapid and confusing at times for men and women.

Effects of these changes

These changes have brought intense focus on:

Mother/Daughter Relationship

Father/Son Relationship

Father/Daughter Relationship

What about the Mother/Son relationship?

How can strong informed mothers best prepare their sons for adulthood in the modern world?

What unique role does a mother play in her son’s life?

How does a mother guide her son to be: Strong but sensitive Tough but emotionally available Understanding of himself and others Able to face the myriad temptations in the world

around him

In the beginning…

A boy’s first love is his mother

“As a baby, your son will always be looking for his mother’s face…”

Freud was right! He really does want to marry you

As his mother, you are all important

A mother’s unique role is to…

Keep track of her son’s emotional well-being

Provide love, affection, safety, security and comfort

Be the emotional home base for her son, and be at the center of a circle that expands as he matures

Help him be aware of his own feelings and provides a safe place to experience those feelings

A boy loves to capture the attention of his mother: the swimming pool effect

Special Qualities of Boys

Warm Receptive Spontaneous Playful

A mother who has not been raised around boys herself, may find some of these qualities extreme, even alarming, and may mistake them for abnormal behavior patterns.

Physical High activity level Demonstrative Noisy

…and…

Boys’ play is typically

Rambunctious

Physically interactive

Involving pretend aggression

Themed around competition, speed, combat, power

Like “a box of puppies”

Emerging adolescence can…

Seem sudden

Be confusing to both you and your teen

Bring about physical, emotional and psychological changes

Then adolescence hits

Teen girls differ from teen boys:

Girls Argumentative Sassy Confrontational Hyper-emotional A strong desire to be

different from their mothers

Boys Brooding Edgy Distant Withdrawn Hard to “reach”

…so, why is he putting up this wall?

…adolescent boys must strive for independence

As a consequence, a teen boy will: Mask or conceal his attachment to his mother Feel ambivalent and embarrassed by his

continuing tender feelings for his mother Push away from the warmth and security of his

childhood

This may be normal, but it is often a painful process for both mother and son

A mother’s instinctive reaction

As a mother, you naturally attempt to reestablish closeness with your son. But his reaction can be…

Feelings of confrontation and intrusion Flashes of anger followed by withdrawal

Withdrawal is his defense against an internal state of intense physical arousal that he must suppress because he does not want to respond with aggression toward his mother

Remember…

Despite this appearance, your son continues to look to you for guidance, understanding and support

You are still your adolescent son’s emotional home base

Do not take the changes in your relationship personally

These changes are normal--perhaps necessary--for him to achieve adult maturity

But what is a mother to do???

A teen boy needs his mom to:

Listen Advise Parent authoritatively Provide vigilant trust Offer tender affection Establish a “code of conduct” Be the Ambassador of Women

Listen: Be a big ear

Timing is everything Be patient Signal full attention Ask for clarification Remember that listening to him is more important

than solving his problems If he is unwilling to talk, remind him that you are

there when he’s ready

Advice follows listening

Good listening builds trust and comfort between you and your son

He is much more likely to be receptive to your advice after you have patiently listened to him

Offer advice in the form of a question: “Have you thought about this possibility?” “What would happen if you did this?” “What is your best judgment on this?”

Authoritative parenting

High support and understanding + high expectations and demands

The Gold Standard of Parenting Reinforces increasing degrees of responsibility for

himself Is associated with:

Higher school grades, higher self-esteem and self-reliance Lower drug/alcohol usage and delinquent behavior Lowered risk of anxiety/depression

An authoritative mother:

Maintains self-confidence as a parenting authority Lets her son do as much as he can for himself Provides the healthy burden of positive expectations Reminds her son that he is an important member of

the family and encourages his participation Encourages her son’s individuality and allows him to

disagree without losing her affection Sets consequences for his wrongdoings that teach a

lesson rather than punish

Vigilant trust*

Be aware of the social environment Discuss expectations of behavior Listen to ideas Set guidelines Trust but remain vigilant Monitor behavior Give consequences if trust is broken - and it will be! Reinstate trust

*See Strong Mother’s, Strong Sons in “Recommended Reading”

Offer tender affection

It can be awkward because: The physical changes of adolescence can make you

and your son uncomfortable with affection Some teen boys shun physical affection because it

reminds them of their childhood vulnerabilities

Teen boys still need affection and tactile reassurance Find ways to remind one another that you can still be

comfortable with physical affection with well-timed hugs and kisses

Warm, non-sexual physical closeness balances male aggression and prepares the teen boy for physical closeness in his adult relationships

Code of Conduct

It is often a mother who determines and maintains standards of social behavior in and out of the home:

Model the behavior you want to see Let him know how you expect him to behave Acknowledge that you have begun to relinquish control Let him hear what offends you Remind him of how others are affected by his behavior Insist on fair play, safety and mutual respect

Mother as the Ambassador of Women

Sensitize your son to respect girls and women Make expectations for how your son treats females Counteract the often crude and vulgar portrayal of women in

the media Communicate that abstinence and postponement of sexual

behavior is better than acting too soon Teach that sex should be associated with love, respect and

commitment rather than dominance or aggression Inform your son that girls typically associate sexual

involvement with emotional intimacy which requires maturity and mutual understanding

Remember that…

“As a baby, your son was always looking for his mother’s face…

…it will be that way forever”

Recommended Reading

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys (2000) by Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., and Michael Thompson, Ph.D.

Strong Mothers, Strong Sons (1995) by Ann F. Caron, Ed.D.

Get Out Of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl To The Mall (2002) by Anthony Wolf, Ph.D.

Presented by:

Suzanne M. Haynes, M.S.Individual and Couple Psychotherapy

Parenting Consultation

36700 Woodward Ave. - Suite 30

Bloomfield Hills, MI

248.470.9615

smhpsych@hotmail.com