money and couples

8/10/2019 Money and couples

1/20

d

Coming in theNext Issue :

Outrageous Actswith Money

d

ISSUE NUMBER 5

Exploring the personal, political, and spiritual impact of wealth in our lives.

This was how we startedour relationship to money.Thirteen years later, notonly do we share assetsand income, but explor-ing money issueshas become such anabiding fascination that we decided to producethis publication together! (See page 9 for ourstory.)

Nearly all couples deal with differ-ences about money, no matter what their

backgrounds, no matter how much orhow little money they have. It seemsmany people still carry in their heads anold-fashioned and idealized image thatlife-long partnering means complete andeffortless merging of money. But thatimage is based on an era when morepeople married early, and the womanslife was unquestioningly subsumed into

Thats your money, Christopher, and Idont want to deal with it. At 25, the lastthing I need is a sugar-daddy. I need to knowI can earn my own way.

Anne, this inheritance affects both of us,and I dont want to be alone with all the deci-sions. The money doesnt have to undermine

you. I believe it could be exciting and evenfun.

I want nothing to do with it, so donteven talk to me about it!

the mans. Even then, was joining moneyeasy, or did we pick up that notion fromTV sitcoms like Leave it to Beaver?

Now, especially because re-marriageis more common, many romantic partner-ships begin when people are in their latetwenties, thirties, forties.... How do you

join nancial lives if youve been earningand spending however you pleased, byyour own foibles and predilections, foryears or even decades? What do y ou do

if your guts still believe in -nan-

cial sex roles, eventhough your rational mind

might wish to leave thembehind?

In this issue ofMore than Mon-ey, we explore not only these common

causes of friction in love relationships,but the added challenges that come whenone partner has a lot more money thanthe other, particularly through inheritedwealth. Financial issues abound in eachstage of relationshipdating, commit-ment, living tog ether, separation, bereave-mentas well as in the choice of whetherto couple at all.

It seems that every permutation ofgender and background creates a differ-ent set of dynamics. How does it feel ifthe woman is the richer one? Or the man?Or if the couple is gay or lesbian? Evenif two people with similar backgrounds

continued on page 2

Submissions welcome byNovember 22, 1994

MONEY AND COUPLES

INSIDE:

Love and RichesThe Challenges Can be Overcome

d

*Money Roles in Relationships

*Personal Stories

*Dating and Coming outWealthy

*Balance of Power

*Resources

*Glimpses into the Life-styles of the Rich andFamous (humor)

MoneyMore than

Money and Couples

Issue 5, Autumn 1994


2/20


3/20

d

Coming in theNext Issue :

Outrageous Actswith Money

d

ISSUE NUMBER 5

Exploring the personal, political, and spiritual impact of wealth in our lives.

This was how we startedour relationship to money.Thirteen years later, notonly do we share assetsand income, but explor-ing money issues hasbecome such an abiding fascina-tion that we decided to produce this publica-tion together! (See page 9 for our story.)

Nearly all couples deal with differ-ences about money, no matter what theirbackgrounds, no matter how much orhow little money they have. It seemsmany people still carry in their heads anold-fashioned and idealized image thatlife-long partnering means complete andeffortless merging of money. But thatimage is based on an era when morepeople married early, and the womanslife was unquestioningly subsumed intothe mans. Even then, was joining money

Thats your money, Christopher, and Idont want to deal with it. At 25, the lastthing I need is a sugar-daddy. I need to knowI can earn my own way.

Anne, this inheritance affects both of us,and I dont want to be alone with all the deci-sions. The money doesnt have to undermine

you. I believe it could be exciting and evenfun.

I want nothing to do with it, so donteven talk to me about it!

easy, or did we pick up that notion fromTV sitcoms like Leave it to Beaver?

Now, especially because re-marriageis more common, many romantic partner-ships begin when people are in their latetwenties, thirties, forties.... How do youjoin nancial lives if youve been earning

and spending however you pleased, byyour own foibles and predilections, foryears or even decades? What do you doif your guts still believe in nancial sex

roles, even though

your ratio-nal mind might

wish to leave thembehind?

In this issue ofMorethan Money, we explore not

only these common causes offriction in love relationships, but

the added challenges that come whenone partner has a lot more money thanthe other, particularly through inheritedwealth. Financial issues abound in each

stage of relationshipdating, commit-ment, living together, separation, bereave-mentas well as in the choice of whetherto couple at all.

It seems that every permutation ofgender and background creates a differ-ent set of dynamics. How does it feel ifthe woman is the richer one? Or the man?Or if the couple is gay or lesbian? Evenif two people with similar backgroundsand nances get together, unconsciouslythey may have adopted different attitudes

continued on page 2

Submissions welcome byNovember 22, 1994

MONEY AND COUPLES

INSIDE:

Love and RichesThe Challenges Can be Overcome

d

*Money Roles in Relationships

*Personal Stories

*Dating and Coming outWealthy

*Balance of Power

*Resources

*Glimpses into the Life-styles of the Rich and

Famous (humor)

MoneyMore than


4/20

2continued from page 1

about money from their particular families. Add to this complex brew the fact thatfew people have been taught how to bridge differences based on class, much less howto deal constructively with conict in generalno wonder many couples have troubleseeing their money issues clearly and working them out!

We at the Impact Project (which producesMore than Money) believe there is enor-mous unrealized potential for people to use their resources with great joy and power,to benet both their own lives and the wider world. This potential is often blockedby fear of having so much responsibility, by confusion about money management, byisolation from people of other class backgrounds, by shame of having so much whenothers dont have enough...and by draining, never-ending money-tension betweenpartners.

Our fervent wish is that as more couples move into harmony in their nancial lives,more of this joyful nancial power will be released towards creating fuller lives and amore sane world. We offer this issue ofMore than Money as a step in that direction.

Anne Slepian and Christopher Mogil

issue on What Makes Giving Satisfy-ing inspired a fresh response to a giftof blue-chip stock from Kateys par-ents. Katey thought: Why not engagecommunity in the decision-makingas to where to contribute this (excess)resource? As solstice gifts, we sent aletter to several dozen close friends andfamily members, offering to donate $200in their name (or anonymously) to thenon-prot of their choice.

Many friends were deeply touched

by the opportunity to give. One closefriend spoke of her tears of thankful-ness, and another of how exciting it wasto share the decision-making with herpartner and children. Of course, therewere others who didnt know quite howto respond (and some didnt).

Overall, we were delighted by thisexperiment in sharing our wealth di-rectly with our community. As we livein rural Maine, a majority of our friendsare working class. It has been challeng-

ing to share the joys and pains of havingaccess to more money than those aroundus. This act of giving helped move usforward another step.

Thank you for being a consistentreminder that its positive and healthyto talk about money, and that there arepeople out there thinking creativelyabout the progressive re-direction of theexcess.

Katey B. and Alan D.South Paris, ME

I was delighted with your Summer1994 issue on How Much is Enough?I think that is the single most criticalquestion we must address if the humanrace is to remain on this planet. It is soimportant for people, irrespective of howwealthy they are, to know that enoughis quantiable and attainable and not justsome Camelot in the sky. You bravelyraise issues that are rarely questioned,yet which drive people unceasingly toaccumulate more and more.

Lu B.CPA and Money Counselor Fal-

mouth, ME

I cut The Savoring (from the issueon How Much Is Enough?) and putit next to my calendar so I can glance atthe title every day. It reminds me of myquest to live more simply. The story putinto words a process I had been doingalone, and let me imagine how it couldgrow into a more satisfying ritual of

daily life. Now, when I clean out a closetof clothes I havent worn in four years,I imagine a circle of friends around me,smiling their approval.

K.L.Minneapolis, MN

We look forward to reading eachissue of More than Money. In a gentle,playful way your stories have supportedus to think more creatively and boldlyabout money. For example, the Fall 1993

More than

Money

is a quarterly publicationwritten for people question-ing societys assumptionsabout money, and particu-larly for those with inheritedor earned wealth seekinga more just and sustainable

world.

Rates:

Individuals $35/yearLow-income contributionOrganizations $70/yearBack issues $5 for mbrs.

For subscriptions, to sendletters to the editor, or forinformation about thispublication, contact:

Mailing lists remainconfidential.

dAll subscriptions to More thanMoney include membership

in the Impact Project. anon-profit organization as-sisting people with financialsurplus to take charge oftheir money and their lives.

For information about theImpact Project, write or call:

The Impact Project21 Linwood Street

Arlington, MA 02174(617) 648-0776

We give permission for our read-

ers to make copies of individual

articles for friends or for distribu-

tion at workshops. Credit and

information about how to order

More than Money must be

conspicuously included.

1994. All rights reserved.

Dear More than Money...Letters to the Editor


5/20

More thanMoneyIssue # 5

Autumn 1994

Autumn 1994

Editors-in-Chief:Christopher Mogil

Anne Slepian

Guest Editor

Ariel Lublin

Production ManagerAllen Hancock

IllustratorsJohn Lapham

Kiki Metzler

He helped us set up a charitable unitrustwhereby I gave a $300,000 deferred dona-tion to a tax-exempt non-prot. The non-prot manages the money, and about halfthe interest goes to Alana; the other half is

added to the principal.Assuming steady interest, the

income will rise over the years, so asAlana gets older (and perhaps worksless) her income from this investmentwill grow. When she dies, the principalbecomes a gift to the non-prot.

I wish we had known about this kindof trust years ago. While establishing away to share money has been a relief to us

both, we are still struggling together aboutmoney and power, and I deeply regret my

years of avoidance and denial and the tollit has taken on the relationship.Melissa

Im a Man, Not My Money

Personal StoriesHow Do You Deal with Differences About Money in Your Relationship?

Dont Put It Off

When I became involved withAlana, I had several milliondollars of inherited wealth which I wasashamed about and was having trouble

facing. She was raised working class,and from the start I was dishonest withher about my wealth. Over many yearsof living together, maintaining thisdeception about my money grew to beimpossible. Kicking and screaming, Iwas gradually forced to reveal the truth.

As two women, we wanted to feelthat our power in the relationship wascompletely equal, but the money dispar-ity made that very hard. Given the lackof social and legal support for lesbian

relationships, we had to gure out ourown nancial arrangements as we wentalong. How could we share my wealthwithout making the power imbalanceworse?

One option we considered was togive her some money outright, but Alana Ido part-time doingconsulting, making

about $60,000/year. When Iinvite a date to do somethingwith me, of course its mytreat. Sometimes women I

date say things like, Ivehad guys pay my tab andthen expect me to sleep withthem. I say, Oh, thats inter-esting. Whats that got to dowith this date? If they say,I prefer to pay for my own,thats ne, too.

During one long-termrelationship, I treated mypartner to weekly plays andother events. When I decidedto take a year off to run Mas-

sachusetts Institute of Tech-nologys Solar Car Club, Ilived on savings and didntwant to spend so much on

entertainment. She was upset with me,and I resented that her feelings aboutme seemed to change when I wasntspending so much money on her. Now,I would only be seriously involved witha woman who would support my choiceto do work that really matters to me.

Lee

d

continued on page 4

Special thanks to MeredithRode for permission to useher illustrations on page 6and 7.

For their helpful feedback,thanks to:

Miven BoothSandra Boston de Sylvia

Joanie BronfmanDakota Butterfield

Ellen DeaconLaura GiddingsHelena HalperinAllen Hancock

Margo HittlemanJohn Rosario-Perez

Rob WesselBetsy Wright.

We greatly appreciate themany people who contrib-uted vignettes to this issue.The stories we decided notto print helped deepen ourunderstanding of this topic,and were equally appreci-ated. Please write to us again!

3

was ambivalent about having a high networth or dealing with money manage-ment. I was uncomfortable with any ar-rangement where she had to go throughme to get assets, hating the thought shemight stay with me for the money, orfeel grateful or resentful.

After years of struggle, we nallyasked a lawyer to help us gure it out.


6/20

4

More than Money

as I am now, they are both from old-money WASP families and consider mynew-wealth family uncultured.

Dan: I have gradually learned that Icant equate my self-worth with what Iearn. Rose and I make a habit of tellingeach other that we each offer importantthings to the relationship; her money is

just one contribution, no more importantthan the cooking and cleaning I do forus, or the energy I put into helping us

resolve conicts.

Rose: As for me, its easier for me to

see what Dan brings to the relation-ship than to value what I bring. Myown sense of self has been underminedby my inheritance. I am 25 and feelcompletely lost about my work in theworld. Im not worried that Dan is withme for the money, because for the rstve years of our relationship I was intotal denial about it. I hadnt a clue howmuch I had, and once I found out$1.2millionthe money became like theproverbial elephant in the middle ofthe room, something so big we couldnt

stop talking about it. Sometimes I feellike one big checkbook, and since itsdaddys money I feel I have no chancejust to be myself.

Its Commitment that Counts

Ken and I just nished a series oflegal documents: durable pow-ers of attorney, living wills, medicalproxies, and a partnership agreement.We did this to create the legal arrange-ments that married heterosexual couples

have automatically.

We want our nancial arrange-ments to reect our expectation that ourrelationship is permanent. For majorrecurring expenses, like mortgage andinsurance, we contribute equally to ajoint checking account. Its important tous to have both names on the checks asa symbol of our partnership. We createdan agreement about what well do withproperty if we ever separate: Anything

continued from page 3

Heartache

Ididnt have to work for a livingand you were struggling to makeends meet. I loved you, so I put myself outfor you. How many Thursdays did I gazeinto your computer entering data or mopthe oor of your store? How many nights

was I there for you when you came homeweary from work? I could have given somuch more. I struggled not to. Was I a fool,

just setting myself up to be hurt? MaybeI would have been better off without thismoney. Then we would have shared thestruggles.

Having just ended this relationshipof several years, I see how my inheri-tance allowed me to devote substantiallymore time and energy into nurturing therelationship than my partner ever could.

Perhaps I shouldnt invest so much ofmy personal energy into relationships,but if theres one thing that nancialindependence has provided me, it hasbeen the opportunity to reect on theimportance of fostering durable relation-ships in a chaotic world.

Everywhere I look people are put-ting work, school, projects, or personalfreedom in front of spending time withthe people who are most important intheir lives. I want to engage in deep

relationships with friends and lovers,but Im worried that only other peoplewho dont have to work for a living willhave enough slack in their lives to meetme at my level.

Allen

The Elephant in the Living Room

Dan:During the seven years Roseand I have been together, her in-herited wealth has helped me to do mu-sic and theater work without worrying

so much about generating income. Atthe same time, it has been challenging.Because I grew up thinking that a manshould provide for his partner, when Idont have a real job I feel as if Im notliving up to my responsibility. And myparents worry that Roses supportingme will undermine my motivation toearn my own living.

Rose:I think his parents see me as arich, fat, Jewish woman who is trying toseduce their son into an addiction to mymoney. Although they arent as wealthy

We want our fi-nancial

arrangements toreflect our

expectation thatour relationship

is permanent.

continued

Sometimes I feel likeone big checkbook...


7/20Autumn 1994

Its a relief to us both that she can haveher own money, under her own control,rather than receiving a monthly allotmentfrom me for decades as wed do if I were aregular wage earner.

Im grateful that my inheritance isallowing us this more dignied solu-tion. However, Chris was extremelyfrustrated that it took over a year for

my assets to become liquid, not under-standing the implication of the moneybeing in a family-owned company. Andbecause during our marriage she socompletely felt the whole amount wasours, she is angry not to have a sayover the other half.

David

5

Thats Outrageous!

The theme for the next issueis Outrageous Acts withMoney. Outrageous actscan mean many things: actswhich break your own innernorms or the norms of soci-ety, acts of wild generosityor self-indulgence.... Whatsan outrageous thing youhave done, imagined, orhave heard someone elsedoing with money?

Vignettes and articles wel-come by November 1st.Submissions for issue #6(Money& Spirit) are alsowelcome by Feb. 15, 1995.If you find writing difficult buthave a story to tell, pleasecall us!

Our divorce hasjust been finalized,and Ive given her

half my assets...Im grateful forthis dignifiedsolution.

continued on page 11

that we bought separately goes tothe one who bought it; purchases wemade together we divide so each of usreceives an equal value; anything wedont agree on, we give to charity.

We hope this agreement will supportus to keep working things through to-gether. We just bought a house. Origi-nally we planned to split the cost 50/50,

but because I earn a great deal morethan he does right now we agreed thatId pay more.

But circumstances change, and someday that may reverse. What matters isour commitment to each other. Thatwas crystallized when Ken said, if youget laid off work, Ill take care of you.We take care of each others families,toothey have been very supportiveof our relationship, even if they dontunderstand it. Something would be

missing if we werent connected to ourfamilies. Now that Kens dad is out ofwork, we agreed without hesitation thatwell help the family if they need it.

Bob

Either Way is Fine

For 45 years of married life, wejust had one pot of money. Edgarearned it, I managed it, and we gotalong ne that way. He was a biochem-

ist for the local university; we lived aregular middle-class life. But when Ed-gar started a biotech company and the

stock went sky high, he insisted we eachhave our own money, so we dividedthe family fortune equally between thetwo of us and our two children. Now Ihave my own investments, use my ownbroker, do my own philanthropy. To mysurprise, I like the independence quitea bit.

Peg

Here, Take Half

Chris and I were married twelveyears and had three childrentogether. We dealt with money quiteamiably given that she was raisedworking-class poor and my family wasupper-class wealthy. We both assumedthat marriage meant completely joiningour nances, and we never discussedwhat wed do if we ever parted ways.

Our divorce has just been nalized,

and Ive given her half my assets outright.

Trying to Keep Up

Im a white working-class womanwho was raised poor. I used tobe involved with a black woman withinherited wealth. We lived togetherfor two summersshe was living ona grant and pursuing her studies; Iworked as a temporary secretary full-time, trying to save money for school inthe fall.

Although we never discussed it, welived according to her lifestyle, goingout for dinner and dancing, buyingleather jackets. We split expenses asclose to 50/50 as I could manage. Iremember struggling with each weeks

paycheck, owing most of it to her for ourrent and other expenses, meanwhile sav-ing nothing for school.

After we split up, I went into therapyand slowly gained a much strongersense of myself. I see now how my guiltabout being white and my shame of be-ing poor kept me from asking for a moreequitable nancial arrangement that Icould honestly afford.

Danielle


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6

More than Money

You Say Yes, I Say NoCoping with Polarized Money Roles in Relationships

If you have ever experienced a long-term intimate relationship, you haveprobably experienced this bizarre yetpainfully common phenomenon: cou-ples tend to polarize into oppositional

modes of behavior. Even if both peoplein the relationship were outgoing, onemay soon become the hermit relativeto the other; even if two parents tend tobe permissive, one may get pushed intothe role of most permis-

Stepping beyond the boxesSeen from the outside, polariza-

tions sometimes look ridiculous. Cantpeople just snap out of it? But from theinside, being caught in polarized rolescan feel horrible, like being trapped ina small box that gets tighter and tighterthe more your partner disapproves.Here are three exercises that can help

polarized couples move from constric-tion into greater freedom of choice. We

use the examples of hoarder vs. spend-er, but the exercises work well with anypolarization.

Exchanging appreciations. Set asidetime to tell each other anything youappreciate, no matter how small, aboutyour partners behavior around money.For instance, hoarders often secretlyadmire spenders spontaneity, but theyfear that any praise at all will be mis-taken as permission to spend wildly.

In reality when each member begins

to appreciate the others strengths andskills, the power struggle is interrupted.In the absence of attacks by ones mate,the spender feels freer to admit his orher own fears about an inability to con-trol spending impulses.

sive and the other some-how get pegged as thedisciplinarian.

Similarly, couples un-consciously tend to polar-ize into opposite behaviorsaround money, especially

if they have merged someor all of their money. Forinstance, even if two spend-ers come together, overtime one will sometimes(miraculously!) become theorderly budgeter who hesi-tates to make unplannedpurchases, while the otherbecomes the impulsivespender, unwilling to con-trol his or her spending habits.

Other polarized money roles include:

continued

Taking small steps out of the pat-tern. If you are the hoarder in therelationship, try practicing one act ofoverspending a week and record allthe feelings you have in reversing your

Resources

The ideas in this article wereadapted with permissionfrom two sources:

Money Harmony, ResolvingMoney Conflicts in your Life

and Relationships by OliviaMellan, a Washington, D.C.based psychotherapistspecializing in money psy-chology, conflict resolutionand couples work. (Seeresource list on page 8.)

Getting Along, Commu-nication Skills to Help Youand Your Loved Ones MoveGracefully Together throughEveryday Life by ChristopherMogil and Anne Slepian,More than Money editors.35 page manual availablefor $10 postpaid from theImpact Project, 21 LinwoodSt., Arlington, MA 02174.

Both resources describemany more practical andpowerful exercises than wecould include here.

The plannerwho plots things out in con-crete detail, versus the dreamerwho lovesgrand fantasies and dislikes step-by-stepplanning.

The money mergerwho doesnt want sepa-

rate accounts, versus the money separatistwho has needs to keep some or all moneyseparate.

The money monkwho thinks money is dirtyand corrupt, versus the money amasserwhose self-worth is built upon how muchmoney is made, spent or saved.


9/20

usual pattern. If you are the spender,experiment with conserving in one areawhere you normally spend more (forexample, when eating out deliberatelychoose a less-expensive item on a menu)and write down how that feels.

Playing with roles. If you are bothdeeply polarized and despite your bestattempts you stay painfully stuck, you

might try putting yourself in the othersshoes. While it often feels awkward andfake to start with, the impact of genuine-ly playing the role youve been resistingcan be surprisingly powerful, freeingup humor, compassion, and insight.Playing with role reversals can relievetensions, deepen your understandingof each others perspective, and loosenyour positions by allowing you to voiceunexpressed parts of yourselves.

For a mutually agreed-upon period

of time, you and your partner each pre-tend that your position is now what theother person was previously advocating.Play the new role as honestly as you can,without mockery. Remember that youdont need to agree with the part you areplayingthis is just a game. You can dorole reversals in several ways: briey orextensively, realistically or with exag-geration.

Brief: Lets switch roles for a few min-utes.

Extensive:For the next few days, letsexpress each others positions on thisissue instead of our own.

Realistic: Here you accurately give voiceto what the other person feels and thinks,or speak from the part of yourself thatshares your partners position. For ex-ample, the one who usually is the carefulsaver says, Lets take your paycheckbonus and treat ourselves at a fancy res-taurant tonight! and the bigger spenderof the couple pretends to be cautious. I

dont know. Maybe we should add it toour retirement accounts....

Exaggerated: Here, to help shift tension,you add playfulness and drama to therole reversal. Darling! Get your dia-monds, Im ying us to Paris for dinnertonight! Sorry, I sold those diamondsand buried the cash in the back yard.You can never be too safe, you know....

Play with it! After the reversal, talkabout how it felt and any insights yougained.

Autumn 1994

3. Criticisms and appreciations. Next,share ways you feel critical of yourpartners money behavior and how thebehavior makes you feel; do this suc-cinctly. Then, soon after, acknowledgeways you admire and envy your partnerfor his/her special abilities or qualities inthis arena. Do your utmost to have thepositive appreciation part of the exerciselast longer than the negative judgments

Setting up constructive dialogueThe exercises above can help unlock

polarizations, setting the stage for moreconstructive money discussions. Chanc-es are, if you both have been caught inlimiting roles, you have a lot of groundto cover before you can clearly designa new money life together. Here aresuggestions for continuing the dialogue:

Find some relaxed, non-stressful timeswhen yourenot pressed to make anyimminent money decisionsto begin talking about your

attitudes towards money. Youwill probably need severaldiscussions.

1. Memories. Sharepowerful childhoodmemories about money.Talk about what money

represented in yourfamily of origin andwhat money means toyou now. Do your bestnot to interrupt oneanother while sharingyour thoughts and feelings, and neveruse anything shared as ammunition forfuture ghts.

2. Fears, Hopes, and Desires.Tell yourpartner about your irrational fears aboutmoney (I fear well go bankrupt like

my dad did) and then your hopes anddreams, both for you as an individualand for the couple. (I want enoughmoney to hire administrative help formy business in the next year; I want totake a trip to Paris for two weeks thissummer....) Share positive fantasiesabout what you could do with yourmoney, without regard to the currentfeasibility of meeting such goals andwithout worrying at this stage aboutwhether you and your partner have thesame goals. Again, no criticisms, judg-

ments, or interruptions.

continued on page 8

Is it different for people todiscuss wealth with theirpartners if they made thefortune rather than in-herited it?

If you are a reader withearned wealth, we espe-cially encourage you to writeus about your experiencesfor future issues.

What Do You Think?


10/20

8your nances, and heard each otherslongings, you might choose a specicarea of your nancial life to experimenttogether with new behaviors.

If you have had a hard time withmoney in relationships, dont take itpersonallyyou are probably amongstthe vast majority. But since money soconcretely affects the quality of your life

together, and often reects many otherfundamental issues in a relationship,it can be extremely liberating to investin building a harmonious money-lifetogether. Weve offered a few tools thatmany have found tried and true. Nodoubt you have others available to you.Dont hold backuse them all!

You are rich and single and searching for a mate. You tend to be quiet aboutyour wealth. After a few dates with a certain person, you realize youre veryattracted to him or hera lot! Maybe theres even a future for the two of you to-gether. Does s/he suspect you have this much money? Probably not, though therehas been a clue here and there.

Should you wait to tell untilyou are securely in love witheach other, to assure yourselfthat you are not being loved orrejected for your money? Or willthat start the relationship on anugly foundation of dishonesty?

Outrageous Fantasies:Indirect Ways to Come Out Wealthy.

Covert: Your date comes to pick you up. You offera seat while you go get your coat; the only avail-able reading is your nancial statement.

Casual: Drop a thousand dollar tip at the coffee shop.

Generous:After getting $20 from the local cash ma-chine: Do you like this bank? Ill buy it for you.

Understated: While showing your date around yourstunningly gorgeous home: This is my shack. Youshould have seen the house I lived in two yearsago.

Discreet:Put a bumper sticker on your Toyota:My other car is a private jet.

Blunt:At a party, introduce yourself Hi, Im Sam.Just in case we grow to like each other, I want youto know right off that Im unbelievably wealthy.

Macabre: After a few dates: I have something re-ally serious to tell you. Ive been diagnosed withcancer. (After horried reaction): Just kidding!What I really want to tell you is that Im a multi-millionaire.

P.S. we dont recommend these!

Books We Recommend

American Couples: Money,Work, Sex by Philip Blumstein& Pepper Schwartz. WilliamMorrow & Co., 1983. Astudy based on interviewsand questionnaires withthousands of peoplemar-

ried and not, straight, gay,and lesbianexploring howcouples grapple with someof the most basic relation-ship issues.

Couples & Money: A Fi-nancial Guide for Survivingand Thriving in the 90s byVictoria Felton-Collins. Ban-tam, 1992. A self-help bookon how to communicatebetter, set goals and make

decisions about money witha significant other, writtenby a financial advisor whois also a psychologist.

Money Harmony: ResolvingMoney Conflicts in Your Lifeand Relationships by OliviaMellan. Walker, 1994. A psy-chotherapist describes howpeople develop moneypersonalities and how in-dividuals and couples can

work through conflicts aboutmoney.

continued on page 9


and criticisms. (Old habits die slowly; thismay be hard to do, but its a worthy goal!)

4. Facts, Dreams and Goals. Once youhave shared the emotional content shap-ing your attitudes towards money, reaf-rm your partnership and discuss thehard facts of your nancial lives. Includecurrent earnings, assets and expenditures,

projected future earnings and expenses,and your separate and common dreamsand goals. State these aspirations in asconcrete terms as possible. Aim to keep alight and practical tone to this part of thediscussion. Being thorough about Steps1-3 will make this easier.

Now that you have explored yourfeelings together, looked at the facts of

Kiss and Tell...Do You Love Me for Who I Am?


11/20

If you prefer to open the subjectearly in the relationship, here are a fewoptions:

You could choose to disclose some-thing general in the rst few dates, (forexample, I can write part-time becausel have some money through my family;or I sold a business last year, so I havenancial slack.)and see what happens.

Does your date avoid the issue, or ask youmore about it? If it opens a conversationabout money, how well do you both dealwith the feelings involved? This reveal-a-little strategy protects you from undueexposure if the relationship peters out,and from the shame of a too-long-keptsecret if your romance blossoms. Then,as trust develops and the relationship

becomes serious, you can become explicitabout your situation.

You could also open the subject more

vulnerably. Julie, Ive been having agreat time with you. Because were talk-ing about our lives and getting to knoweach other, I want you to know somethingI dont often tell people. I have inheriteda great deal of money from my family.Sometimes nancial differences have beenpainful in my relationships and friend-ships, and hard to discuss openly. Thatswhy I bring it up now. Could we talkabout it? To get more comfortable, youmight practice this with a friend beforetrying it for real.

Revealing your wealth can be fright-ening because many people have strongfeelings and judgments, both positiveand negative, about their own and otherpeoples money. Not only might your

beloved-to-be have assumptions aboutwhat it means to be rich, but if you breakup, he or she may not keep your nanciallife secret. Whether you are coming

out to a date or to the world:How satised are you with how you

earn, spend, give and invest yourmoney?

How comfortable are you talkingabout money?

Have you thought out clear norms orpolicies about making gifts and loans?

Can you hear other peoples reactionsto your wealth without taking theirfeelings personally?

If you judge your wealth as part of anunfair system, are you doing some-thing to help change it?

The more relaxed and condent youare about your own choices, the less youhave to fear from others reactions. Ifyou are in turmoil or denial about yourwealth, then resolving that tension isparamount. Once you deal with that,whatever method you choose to comeout will be just ne.

Autumn 1994

Through the YearsOne Couples Journey

Acouples relationship to money oftenchanges over time. To illustrate, we offer a bit ofour own saga:

Anne: When I rst became involved with Christopher,I felt passionately about earning my own living andwanted nothing to do with his inherited money. But asour relationship grew more committed over the next few

years, I realized I was kidding myself. Did I really planto scrimp to save a few thousand dollars a year, whenhundreds of thousands were in my partners account?!No, that felt absurd.

Christopher:Meanwhile, I felt uncomfortable spendingthis money on myself and confused about how to respondto friends and coworkers frequent requests for loans.Although I had formed an inherited wealth support groupand was receiving some useful help from it, I still longedto share nancial decisions with someone who had morestake in the outcomesnamely Anne.

So I launched a gradual campaign to bring her into partner-ship with the money: Lets just pretend were making thisfunding decision together, OK? Would you help me thinkabout which stereo system makes sense to buy? Could Ithink with you about this loan request?

I saw she felt upset trying to understand nancial termsand gures. It seemed to me that she was avoiding moneymanagement because she felt stupid and embarrassed. I

reassured her that it wasnt her fault she didnt know -nancial language, and that I was condent it could becomeeasy for her.

Each time a portfolio statement came in the mail welooked at it together. I asked her rst to say what she didunderstand, and applauded her progress. Then I had herask me one or two questions, which we talked about untilshe was clear. I kept the lessons short. When she lookedobviously confused and upset, I encouraged her to expressher feelings for a few minutes before continuing.


Share Your Story

Do you have a story toshare about coming outas rich in a new romance?We would love to print yourcomments in our letters tothe editor. Please submitstories by Nov. 1,1994.


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10

More than Money

changes we each had gone through over the course of adecade: it was indeed now our money. Even thoughthe assets are legally separate and we keep individualchecking accounts, we treat both our income and assetsas one pot of money we both control. We discuss togeth-er all investments and most expenses over $100not to

ask permission, but to have the benet of the othersgood thinking. To me this arrangement combines thebest of both autonomy and interdependence.

Christopher:I felt a little anxious putting the assets in hername, a sense of loss that I wasnt as wealthy as be-fore. But by then I knew our spending habits were quitecompatible (despite small areas of conict), and thatshe was as committed as I to the life we were buildingtogether. Overall, I have been thrilled to have a thought-ful partner in this area of my life; the time spent helpingAnne with money has been one of my best investments.Of course, as I inuenced her, she also inuenced me: I

am now much more relaxed about spending, more opento helping out our friends nancially, and especiallymore compassionate towards my own areas of ignoranceand embarrassment.

T

here are legal and nancial consequences to marriage, and the laws regarding how property is dividedbetween married couples differ from state to state. In addition, there are ways to create legal arrangements

between couples without marriage. To nd out details, consult a lawyer. To get a sense of some of the concerns, youmight be interested in browsing written resources such as the following:

Joint Propertyby Alexander Bove. Simon & Schuster, 1982. A concise legal overview of the forms of sharing prop-erty ownership.

A Legal Guide for Lesbian/Gay Couplesby Hayden Curry and Denis Clifford. Nolo Press, 1988. A self-help guidespecically on legal matters of lesbian and gay couples: raising children, buying property together, wills, etc., withaccompanying sample contracts.

Money, Property & Wealth: Whats Mine, Whats His and Whats Oursby Margaret B. Schulman. Probus Publishing,1992. A book for women about taking control of ones own property. Includes a summary of state laws affectingproperty and samples of documents such as wills, trusts, and non-marital partnership.

ResourcesOn the legal and financial consequences of marriage


Anne: I had absorbed from my parents the attitude free-dom means never having to think about money so Inever kept track of my spending, never balanced a check-book. As Christopher supported me in learning aboutnances, sometimes I needed to cry during or after, orsay loudly, This is stupid! I hate money! I hate thinking

about money!To my surprise, as I became more comfortable with thegures and nancial concepts, I actually enjoyed think-ing about money. Gradually, I discovered that knowingexactly where my money went felt not restrictive, butpowerful.

Christopher: I wooed Anne to come with me to confer-ences for people with inherited wealth. It helped for herto hear (from others besides me) about the challengesof inheritance and to meet other partners of inheritorswho shared some of her feelings werent so unusual. Itold her abundantly how much her presence meant to

me, and encouraged her to skip out on sessions to go forwalks, read, write in her journal, etc.

Anne:By the time our tenth anniversary rolled around,Christopher and I decided together to put half his assetsin my name. We did this not only to protect me in casewe ever separated, but also to acknowledge the internal


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Autumn 1994

How Satisfying

When Michael and I rst movedin together, we kept our moneyseparate and recorded all of our spendingover the course of a year. The only spend-ing difference that seemed unresolvable

was my commitment to funding socialchange. Michael believed we should re-serve our money to enhance our securityand our own modest lifestyle.

Money thats Truly Mine

Weve been married for forty-four years. Daryl broughthome the paychecks, and I raised thekids. Our money has always beencompletely mergedwe accepted thatwithout question as an integral part ofmarriage. But now, with Daryl retiredand my writing career ourishing, Ihave the thrill of earning nearly half ofour yearly living expenses.

I realize that all those years, I nevercompletely felt the money was mine tospend as I chose. Daryl doesnt under-stand this. He says, Did I ever restrictyou? Did I ever lord it over you? Themoney I earned all these years is abso-lutely our moneynot mine, ours. AllI can say to him is that it feels differentto earn my own. I dont think men canunderstand what its like for women tobe economically dependent, no matter

how gracious and trustworthy theirhusbands are about it.

Janet

Historical notes from the 1992 Encyclopedia Britannica

T

he comparative legal history of marital property, viewed inbroad perspective, consists of a period stretching back for about

4,000 years, during which a husband was generally regarded as aquasi-guardian of his wife, who was dependent upon him economi-cally and legally.

In Babylonian law, one characteristic of a legal wife was that shebrought property to the marriage....The Germanic law provided thebridegroom...responsibility for, and power over, the woman [in ex-change for a payment to the brides parents].

The English common law removed the separate legal personality ofa woman when she married and merged it into that of her husband....[He] acquired extensive rights to the administration and ownership of herproperty, including full ownership (with no obligation even to give an ac-

counting) of any moneys she received from employment or business.......

From Whence We Came


Personal Storiescontinued from page 5

graphic

At the time, he was under constantnancial pressure from his collegeloans. In contrast, despite using most ofmy $600,000 inheritance to fund socialchange organizations, I still had enoughmoney to have a exible work-life, totravel, and to further my education. Mi-chael wanted us to pool all our money,but I was unwilling to do so if it meantI could no longer share my surplus withothers.

At that point we worked with nancial

counselors and developed a plan to practicejoint decision making, including fundingdecisions, by putting $10,000 of mine intoa joint account. We ended up using themoney to pay off part of Michaels debt, tomove ourselves back to the east coast closeto family and friends (reducing my phone

bill!), and to nance our wedding. Wedidnt give any of the money away, but theprocess of our joint decision-making was sosatisfying that my underlying fears aboutlosing control were assuaged.

Since that time Michael and I havecombined all our resources. We are bothworking and have made substantialdonations, particularly to the voter-education effort preceding the rst freeelections in South Africa. Last night weattended an auction and even enjoyedbeing surprised by each other s bids!As we learn to listen carefully to eachothers thoughts, I have grown to trustthat our joint thinking can both serve usand the world around us very well.

Edorah

All I can say to

him is that it feelsdifferent to earnmy own money.


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12

More than Money continued

No More Bucks, Buster!

When I married my secondhusband ve years ago, I paidall the expenses for our beautiful wed-ding and honeymoon. I gured thatwas right, since I had money from aninheritance while he worked hard forhis money. After our marriage, I contin-

ued to pay for everything.

My husband wanted this, yet he alsoclearly resented that I got more everymonth than he without working for itat all. When he demanded money toproduce his own record, I gave it to him.Although this album didnt do well, hewas soon making another one, request-ing thousands of dollars more from me.I gave it, again assuming I had to since

on his own. For my part, I no longer givehim gifts unless I am very clear that theyare truly gifts, made from my heart andnot from my guilt.

Rosie

Add a Few Zeros

Afew weeks before my husbandEric landed his rst book con-tract, he dreamed he had won the lot-

tery. The dream was so vivid, he bought20 tickets and we spent the entire nextevening guring out how we could en-joy being rich without letting it destroyour lives. We didnt win the lottery, buthis book became a best seller and thecontract for his second book was fornearly two million dollars.

Has wealth changed the moneydynamics between us? Yes and no. Wehave the same types of disagreementsabout spending, giving, and money

management that we always hadjustwith a few more zeros added on. Whenwe both had normal salaries the gapbetween our styles was not that notice-able. The wealth has magnied ourdifferences, but they dont bother us asmuch now because we have so muchnancial slack. Nonetheless, Im sureglad we had 15 years of married life topractice working things out before hav-ing to deal with instantaneous wealthand fame.

Lisa

Is Anybody Out There?

When Ron and I were rstdating, I was incomplete denial of my wealth, so Itried to look the same as other collegestudentsworking, studying, no fancypossessions. Eventually I mentionedto Ron that when I was 15 my dadhad died and left me some money, butthat was the extent of our discussion.I wasnt lying to himI just wasnt

dealing with the money myself or withits potential impact on my life and ourrelationship.

About a year ago, nancial advisorshelped me to gure out for the rst timehow much I actually hadsix milliondollars. I was shocked. I remember say-ing, Ron, take a wild guess.... He toowas stunned.

Over the next year, our relationshipslowly unraveled. Money was a signi-cant part of the strain. Ron thought I was

I was in completedenial of my

wealth, so I triedto look the sameas other college

students

I had set myself up to bethe giver. I felt as if I gave

and gave and never gotanything back. PerhapsI was even paying him tostay with me.

One day I took a goodlook at my accounts andwas shocked to discoverhow little I had left! I feltfurious at him and disgust-ed at myself. When wenally started to talk aboutnances, he kept telling

me the way it shouldbe was for me to continuegiving to him.

After two months ofthis I suddenly said, Idont have to do this! Irefused to give him anymore money. It was a

big step for me because Istill felt guilty about ourdifferences, and somehowresponsible for him. Iexplained that this deci-

sion wasnt made becauseI didnt love him, but

because I needed not tofeel used.

Opening up this com-munication has been a giftto us both, surprisingly,and we have both grownfrom it. Hes paying forhis next album himself,and it is more important tohim because he is doing it



15/20Autumn 1994

graphic

weird for living simply when I didnt have to. We didnt understand eachother. I was spending a lot of time learning about the money and tak-ing control of itwriting a will, interviewing investment managers.Yet Ron wasnt able to respect this as real work.

He started pulling back from me physically and sexually, andeventually we saw a therapist together. She was able to put intowords what Ron wished he could say to me about the power andchoices money gave me: You have everything in the world and nowyou want my body, too. It seemed withholding sex from me was the

one way he could feel powerful.

That experience has made me cautious about cross-class relation-ships, and yet Im not interested in dating people simply because theyare rich. Im 23. Will I ever nd someone my age who is emotionallysecure enough not to feel overpowered by my wealth?

Monica

the investment income and to have equaldecision-making power over it.

Robbie:This was a powerful turning pointin my life. Working as an independent

lm-maker, money had always been astruggle. Now, for the rst time in a dozenyears, I have consistent nancial securityand can focus on my lm work insteadof worrying about next months rent. Anincredible privilege! This ongoing supporthas made a critical difference, allowing meto expand my work in new and excitingways.

Sara:It was incredibly scary for me to takethat step. My mothers warnings rangin my ears, and I was terried of Robbie

becoming dependent on my money. Butnow, not only is sharing money with Rob-bie much easier than I anticipated, but ithas brought unexpected benets. Insteadof being alone with all my ethical consid-erations about wealth, I now have some-one who can share the responsibility. Hisappreciation for the nancial security inhis life has sharpened my own sense of ap-preciation, and watching his work bloomhas enabled me to see the moneys positivepotential instead of always viewing it as aheavy albatross.

Robbie:We still have some major issues togure out, especially regarding the princi-pal which Sara controls. Shes just begin-ning to take charge of that money herself,so she hasnt felt ready to share it with me.But we feel we are well on our way, witha good track record of successes already

behind us.

Sara: Ultimately, we feel this process hasbeen about bringing our values of justiceand fairness right home to our primaryrelationship.

Bringing Fairness HomeSara:When I was growing up, my motheralways warned me, Watch out for golddiggers. She meant I should stick to men

from the same class background as myselfto avoid having anyone marry me for mymoney. Not that she followed her ownadviceshe married my father who camefrom a poor immigrant family, and theyvehad 51 years of loving marriage. I guessshe was afraid I wouldnt be so lucky.After I left home and become politicallyactive, I started to have a different fear:instead of being loved for my money, I wasafraid I would be hated for it. Either way,having money was certain to damn me inthe area of relationships.

Robbie:Yeah, then she fell in love withme, a working-class man! After we spentour rst few blissful months together,she decided to break the news to methat she was rich. I literally sat there andtrembled as she told me. I told her howprevious owning-class girlfriends had hurtme with their unaware class attitudes, andabout my fear that money and class would

become irreconcilable struggles in ourrelationship.

Sara:But we didnt give up. Instead wesought to address the inequities creativelyand to move even closer together, bothemotionally and nancially. At rst wecontributed proportionately to our jointexpenses based on our relative wealth,with me contributing about 75 percentinto the pot. But this solution didnt ad-dress the fundamental inequities in power

between us, or Robbies gnawing lack ofnancial security. About three years intothe relationship, we decided to split all of

Instead of beingloved for my mon-ey, I was afraid I

would be hated forit.


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14

More than Moneycontinued

Balance of Power

Many couples strive for a senseof equality and balance in theirintimate relationships. They hunger forpartnerships where both people feel pow-erfulable to get what they want in the

relationship and in their own lives.Large money differences often upset

this dream of equality. The partner withgreater income or assets in a couple isfrequently perceived by both parties ashaving more powermore inuence overthe couples decisions, more freedom tocraft his or her own life, and more author-ity to decide whether and how the couplewill share nancial resources.

In other areas of life the rules ofsocial interaction usually cushion people

from confronting economic dif-ferences directly. For example,people may work side-by-sidewith others earning twentytimes more or less than theydo, but they dont ask theirco-workers, How do youfeel about our differencein pay?Couples whocross social or economicstrata in their intimaterelationships cannotavoid these painful

questions. They are chal-lenged to meet economicdifferences head on, open-ing their hearts as well asminds.

For many people,nancial differences andpower imbalances arehard to untangle becausethey are so emotionallycharged. Here are a few ofthe complex feelings people

struggle with:For those with less money:

Im embarrassed to evenbring up the subject of money.Id hate for her to think Im greedy or outfor her wealth. Besides, its her money;Im not entitled to it.

I resent having to be the one tobring this up. If Howard trusted me, hewould just treat the money as ours.

Im scared to assume responsibility

...Or We Can Get it if We Really Want

for James wealth. He was groomed tomanage money, and I was taught noth-ing about it.

For those with more money:

I feel ashamed that Ive barely takencontrol of my wealth myself. Im afraidif I share my money with Peter hell bejust like my dad, either mocking me ortaking over.

Im scared to share money with Joanbecause Im not convinced shes com-pletely committed to us being together.But the problem is circular: it seems herdiscomfort with our extreme moneydifferences makes it hard for her tocommit!

I feel critical of how Jonathon usesmoney, and I dont know what to doabout my judgments.

Some couples try to tip-toe aroundtheir power differences, fearing thattalking about them will only open aPandoras Box of unsolvable issues.But differences left unaddressed often

Resources

The ideas in this article are

based on our experiencecounselling couples at theImpact Project. If you wantto talk to counselors special-izing in wealth issues, writeus at the Impact Project for aone-page listing. (Pleaselet us know of ones we mightadd to our list.) We alsohave a page of exercisesfor couples exploring howto share financial control.

If you would like a copyof these resources, pleasesend a SASE and $2 to theImpact Project, 21 LinwoodSt., Arlington, MA 02174.

Financial counselors andfamily therapists may pro-vide useful perspectiveand guidance with moneyissues in relationships. Shoparound, as some are likelyto be more sensitive to yoursituation and needs thanothers.

The organizations belowoffer workshops on buildingalliances across social dif-ferences. They may also beable to refer you to helpfulliterature.

*National Coalition-BuildingInstitute, 1835 K St., NW, Suite715, Washington, DC 20006.(202)785-9400.

*Diversity Works, PO Box2335, Amherst, MA 01004.(413) 256-1868.

*Equity Institute, 6400 HollisSt., Suite 15, Emeryville, CA94608, (510)658-4577.


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Autumn 1994

deepen into chilly reservoirs of dis-tance and mistrust. On the other hand,with persistent work (done gently andrespectfully), even complicated andemotionally-charged imbalances can beuntangled and slowly healed.

Moving Tenderly TowardsGreater Balance

Couples working to reduce their mon-ey-related power differences, often move(roughly) through the stages described

below. In the beginning, they focus moreon attitudes (e.g., healing from past hurts,

building self-worth and self-condence),after which they are more ready to focuson nancial circumstances (e.g., helping

both partners gain access to material re-sources and the ability to manage them).

Stage 1: Discontent Most often, one per-son starts voicing (sometimes indirectly)his or her frustration with the powerdynamics in the relationship. Soon bothpeople are unhappy with their economicarrangements, but they dont feel readyto change them. Although this stagefeels bad, it is an important step towardsgreater balance.

Stage 2: Social AwarenessAn importantpart of the healing process comes whencouples notice how their relationshipis inuenced by dynamics in the widersociety. Financial differences are often

complicated by each partners experi-ence of societal discrimination due togender, race, class, age, able-bodiedness,religion, etc. For instance, compared toa partner from dominant groups (e.g.male, white, upper-class...) a partnerfrom subordinate groups is likely tohave less earning power, less credibilitycompeting for higher status jobs, andless self-condence about his or herpower in the world.

These social differences may exacerbate

nancial inequalities (for instance, whenan upper-class man is with a working-class woman) or create confusing cross-currents (for instance, if a wealthy youngwoman is with an older working-classman). In this stage, the couple growsincreasingly aware of the oppressive mes-sages they each internalized from the pastand the social forces that are continuing toshape their lives in the present.

Stage 3: Dialogue Partners make thetime and establish the trust to talk

directly about how they each experi-ence the money and power differencesin their relationship. (See page 6 forsuggestions on creating constructivedialogue.) They look at the effects ofdominant and subordinate roles on theirrelationship to money, and seek thesupport of others from their own back-ground to grow in awareness and heal

from the past.Partners ask each other what has beengood and what has been hard about

being from their own backgrounds, andlisten deeply to each others stories. Theyafrm their commitment to be togetherand validate the important qualities theyeach bring, despite their differences, to therelationship and their lives.

Stage 4: Exploration of Options Oncepartners feel their differing life historieshave been heard and respected, they can

more constructively discuss the nitty-gritties of what they want nancially. Ifneeded, they seek technical and emotion-al support from friends and profession-als, with the aim of generating a range ofpossible options which would move theirnancial relationship in directions theywant to go. (See sidebar)

Stage 5: Experimentation and Evalua-tion Partners choose among the vari-ous options and come up with creativeexperiments to move towards balancingnancial power. They design manageablesteps which move them towards balanc-ing nancial power without creatingexcessive anxiety. After a designated timeof implementation, they discuss how welltheir experiments are meeting their goalsand revise them as needed.

ExamplesTwo examples of Experimentation

and Evaluation are in the personal sto-ries section. For more complete stories,including the challenges they faced, see

page 11 and page 13:Edorah tried an experiment where she put$10,000 of her assets into a joint accountwith her husband. Making nancial deci-sions together felt better than either of themexpected, and a year later they chose to poolall their resources.

Sara and Robbie determined that a chal-lenging yet manageable step towards equalitywould be for them to share Saras investmentincome. After six months they sat down


There are several distinct as-pects of peoples financiallives which may be blendedor kept independent:

a) Ownership (who haslegal access to assets andincome)

b) Management (who bal-ances checkbooks, over-sees investments, figures outtaxes, makes budgets, paysbills, etc.)

c) Decision-making (whodecides how the moneyis earned and where themoney goes, including dailyexpenses, unusual expens-es, investments, and giving)

In generating options,couples may also considerdifferent:

a) Types of income(earned, investment, gifts)

b) Categories of assets (in-vestments, trust funds, andpersonal property such ashomes or cars)

c) Different amounts of

money (e.g., percentagesof income or assets)

All of the above can bemixed and matched bycouples to design financialarrangements that meettheir particular needs. Thevariations from separate tomerged are limitless.

Issues for Discussion


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together, talked about how it was feeling to each of them, anddecided to continue the arrangementindefnitely.

Nurturing Greater Change

Of course, there is no one right solution to powerimbalances. Different people tolerate different degrees of

nancial and power inequality in their relationships. Solong as arrangements are consciously chosen (rather thana result of avoidance or hopelessness), there are manyways to cooperatively craft nancial lives that supportboth people in having what they want, individually andin the relationship.

Couples cannot erase their power differences. Evenif they completely equalized their money (or put allassets in the less-wealthy partners name!) they wouldnot undo the ongoing effects of class background, race,gender, etc. But by increasing their understanding ofthe social forces at work, helping each other heal from

oppressive internalized messages, and crafting moresatisfying nancial arrangements, couples can signicantlyimprove the balance of power in their relationships.

Ultimately, power cannot be truly equal in relation-ships until gross social inequities are eliminated fromthe society. People whose relationships cross social andeconomic strata have a special opportunity to contribute

to this process. When partners face, respect, and talkabout their economic differences, they often grow in theirempathy and understanding towards people from othernancial backgrounds. They develop skills dealing withdifference which they can transfer to their workplace andtheir communities. They have deeper condence, basedon personal experience, that it is indeed possible to movefrom major inequities towards economic sharing. In otherwords, their personal experience can increase their powerto contribute effectively to greater social justice in thewider world.

Glimpses into the Lives of the Rich and Famous...What Got Censored from the Movies

One snowy evening at the North Pole:

Mrs. S.: (a little peevishly): Dear, after 3000 years of mar-riage, couldnt we spend a little less on those hundreds ofmillions of kids, and a little more onus? The kids arent even ours.

Mr. S.: But they are counting on me!My trust fund isnt producing whatit used to, so well have to tightenour belts to pay the elves.

Mrs. S.: (clutching the phone):Hello, is this Compulsive GiversAnonymous?...

One dreary un-day in the dingy Un-derworld, the King hunches over hisruby desk scrawling a letter:

Dearest Persephone,Perhaps my problem began as aninfant, sucking on the sapphiresstrewed about my playroom.Surely it was in full bloom by thetime the Romans coined the expres-sion rich as Pluto. But when Itook you as my queen, never didI suspect my actions would beconstrued as kidnapping. I seenow my acquisitiveness is out ofhand. With apologies, I return youto your mother Demeter. If forgiveness is in your heart, I

beg you to visit me each year.

Contritely,King Hades (Pluto)

Overheard at sunset by a guard at the palace of Akabar:

A: After a lifetime of struggling for the food on myplate, I cant believe I am married to you, Jasmine, the

Sultans daughter! Lets goto the bazaars nest restau-rant tonight and celebrate!

J: Aladdin, are you kidding?My whole life Ive beenstied by 25-course meals.Lets go to that romanticshack you used to live inyou can teach me how tocook peasant food!

One afternoon, in the centralpalace general accounting ofce:

Prince C: But Cinderella, Iknow this foundation ideaseemed swell when you rstmentioned it, but the budget

is really getting out of hand!C: Charming, my beloved, bereasonable. At rst the FairyGodmother Foundation forDisadvantaged Young Wom-en just made small contribu-tions to women who neededadequate footwear, but thats

only a start in a young womans life. Not every womanis going to be lucky enough to marry someone like you,dear. Were now trying to set these women up in busi-ness.

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money and couples

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