momentary paws (or, do not want), velithya

7/29/2019 Momentary Paws (or, DO NOT WANT), Velithya

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Title: Momentary Paws (or, DO NOT WANT)

Author:velithya

Rating: R

Pairing: Steve/Tony (preslash)

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Marvel. I'm just playing in their

sandbox.

Summary: WTF KITTEN

Word Count: 16,831 total

Momentary Paws (or, DO NOT WANT)

Tony wakes up almost suffocating under the weight of his covers, fartoo warm. It takes him far too long to claw his way out of the tangle,and it's only when he emerges at the edge of the bed, blinking in themorning light, that he realises something is wrong. The floor is muchfurther away than it was last night, and the bed seems much largerthan it should be.

He brings up a hand to rub his eyes and clear his vision, and freezesas he sees a paw instead of fingers.

He closes his eyes, shakes his head, opens his eyes. The paw is stillthere, and obviously he's hallucinating because he hasn't had his req-uisite three cups of coffee, which he is going to fix right now, thankyou very much.

He gets (jumps) off the bed, landing with much more grace than he

usually displays this early, and marches his way across the room.Thankfully the door is open a crack, and he wriggles his way throughand darts down the corridor. He doesn't meet anyone along the way(oh, that would be a great conversation starter - 'hi, Peter, am I a cat?''No, Tony, are you feeling alright? Also, you might want to put on someclothes' - Tony resists the urge to look down and check, he was wear-ing a T-shirt and shorts when he stumbled into bed last night and
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therefore should still be wearing them when he stops hallucinating)and the kitchen is empty.

The coffee is normally kept on the third shelf in the cupboard. Tony sitson his haunches and stares resentfully at the closed cupboard doorsfor a good five minutes before realising that there was probably a tinon the bench next to the kettle.

He looks up at the towering height of the kitchen bench, and takes arun-up.

His flying leap knocks over two mugs (only one of them breaks) andalmost sends him skidding into the sink. Tony ignores the shatteredchina in favour of heading straight to the coffee tin. The lid is ham-

mered down pretty solidly but he has claws, and when it comes clat-tering off he knocks the can over and starts licking, rich aroma of cof-fee rising around him, almost overpowering.

His brain hasn't quite kicked into gear by the time he hears footstepscoming down the hall, and he ignores the noise in favour of eatingmore coffee. The footsteps cross the kitchen and the fridge opens, andthen Steve exclaims from right behind him "There's a kitten in the

kitchen!" and Tony skitters sideways, knocking the coffee tin right offthe bench and onto the floor.

"Sorry-" Steve apologises immediately, hands out and making whatTony's sure Steve thinks are non-threatening motions. "Sorry there,

little guy, shouldn't have startled you. Where did you come from?"

Tony backs away down the bench, leaving coffee-stained pawprints inhis wake, and Steve follows, not letting him get further away.

"Come on," Steve says. "Not trying to hurt you, little guy, just trying tofind out who you belong to."

"It's Tony, idiot-" Tony goes to say, but it comes out as a plaintive-sounding yowl, and he's shocked enough by the sound of his own voicethat Steve moves smoothly forward and catches him up in big handsbefore he can get out of the way.


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"Easy," Steve rumbles, cradling Tony against his chest. "Well, no collaron you, huh? How did you get in?"

"I live here," Tony snaps at him futilely, and the meow that comes outof his mouth has Steve scritching him gently behind the ears.

"Well, I think you've probably had enough coffee," Steve says, shakinghis head at Tony's mess. "Why don't we see if anyone else knows whoyou belong to?"

Tony isn't happy about leaving the coffee, but at least the stuff he has

eaten is starting to coax his brain to take up higher function. He's hadhis coffee, and he's still a cat; ergo, he's probably nothallucinating. ...On the other hand, Steve is still cradling him against

his chest, and Steve is very warm. There doesn't seem to be a press-ing need to work out a way to communicate.

Steve heads back down the corridor towards the rooms, the placelooking almost normal from Tony's vantage point.

"I wonder if Tony knows where you came from?" Steve rumbles softly."Be like him to pick up a kitten and then leave it to eat coffee on itsown."

"It is not!" Tony yowls angrily, and Steve shakes his head.

"Coffee is bad for kittens," he says solemnly. "Don't let Tony tell youotherwise."

"I would not leave a kitten on its own," Tony mutters to himself, butSteve is already outside Tony's room and pushing open the door gen-tly.

"Tony?" he calls softly.

Tony squirms around in Steve's hands so he can see the room. Thebedding is rucked and twisted, but there's definitely no-one in the bed.

"Up early, or staying up late?" Steve muses, and pulls the door to."Let's try the garage."


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The elevator takes them straight to Tony's basement, and Steve entershis security code, voice print and retinal scan before the doors grantthem access. Apart from the humming of machines, soft but incessant,the lab is quiet, still. One disassembled-then-rebuilt jetboot stands for-lorn on a bench where Tony left it last night, surrounded by tools andsmears of grease. The air tastes faintly stale, heavy with machine oiland a tinge of exhaust.

"That's odd," Steve says.

Tony twists his head up and mrows.

"I guess he must be upstairs somewhere," Steve says, but he sounds

uncertain.

When they step out of the elevator, back upstairs, noise is comingfrom the kitchen. Steve strides over, stopping in the doorway.

Peter and MJ are fetching bowls and cereal from the cupboards, andJarvis is kneeling on the floor, cleaning up the spilled coffee. The chinashards of the mug Tony had knocked over are stacked in a neat pile onthe bench, awaiting disposal.

"Morning," Steve says, always polite, then, "has anyone seen Tony?"

"Good morning Sir," Jarvis says from the floor as Peter looks up andblinks.

"You have a kitten," he says. "Since when do you have a kitten? Can Ihave a kitten?"

"You don't want a kitten," MJ says to him, and then shakes her head."I haven't seen Tony this morning, but I heard him stumbling down thecorridor at some god-awful hour. Maybe he's still asleep?"

"I didn't think so," Steve says. "I'll check again."

He turns back to the corridor, Peter sounding petulant behind them,"Maybe I do want a kitten!"


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Steve walks down the corridor quite a bit faster than last time, pushingopen the bedroom door with less attempt at silence. "Tony?" he says,moving into the room. "Tony?"

He sounds, not worried, because Captain America doesn't worry, but,

maybe, concerned. "I'm right here," Tony meows, going for reassuringand coming off as - probably - depressingly cute.

Steve tosses the bedcovers, in case Tony has somehow managed tocurl himself up like a pretzel under them, and discovers Tony's discard-ed shirt and shorts from last night, shirt still grease-stained.

"Well, I guess I am naked," Tony says. "Okay."

"Where is he?" Steve mutters, poking his head into the bathroom(empty) before heading back to the kitchen.

Peter and MJ are eating their cereal now, coffee tin back in its placenext to the kettle and china shards vanished from the bench.

"Okay, Tony's vanished," Steve says.

Peter looks up, swallows his mouthful. "You still have a kitten," he

says.

Steve looks down, surprise on his face like he'd forgotten Tony wasthere, and shrugs. "I found him eating coffee on the bench this morn-ing," he says. "I was going to ask Tony where he came from."

Peter levels his spoon threateningly at Tony. "Fess up," he demands."Who sent you?"

"It's a kitten," MJ says. "I don't think he can understand you."

"I am perfectly capable of understanding you," Tony yowls, but no-oneis paying attention.

"Why don't you just call Tony?" Peter asks. "He is a cell phone, right?"


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Tony blinks, and blames the lack of sufficient coffee for being so slowthis morning. He might be a kitten right now, but his brain works just

fine. And his brain is Extremis-powered.

Steve juggles him as he fishes out his cell phone one-handed, andTony reaches through the Extremis and dials.

Steve's phone starts playing the Star-Spangled Banner, and Steve says

"It's Tony," something a lot like relief in his tone, and answers. "Tony,hi," he says. "Where are you?"

*You are holding me,* Tony says through the Extremis, and Steve is

so surprised that his fingers slacken far enough that Tony has toscramble to avoid a several-foot drop to the floor.

"What?" Steve says, looking at Tony, finally, and Tony looks up at himand waves one tiny paw.

*Hi,* Tony says. *I appear to be a kitten.*

Steve just stares at him, Tony fidgeting under his gaze. *What?* hesays finally. *Say something.*

"I'm hallucinating," Steve says.

"I'm real," Peter says. "Well, I think I'm real, but then again- ow!"

*Give the phone to Peter,* Tony says, and twists in Steve's hand tomake a flying leap onto the table. *Come on, phone, Peter.*

"Tony says he's the kitten," Steve says, and hands the phone to Peter."He wants to talk to you."

Peter takes the phone, looking warily at Tony. "Tony?"

*Hi,* Tony says. *Tell Steve he's not hallucinating. I seem to havebeen turned into a cat. Somehow.*


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"Tony says to say you're not hallucinating," Peter says to Steve. Thenhe frowns at Tony, and covers the mouthpiece of the phone. "Proveyou're Tony," he says.

*With what?* Tony says, and paces across the table to him. *It's notlike I can type with paws. At least I finished my armour maintenancebefore I went to bed.*

"Point," Peter says. He holds the phone out to Steve. "The kitten maybe Tony," he allows.

Steve takes the phone. "Tony," he says, "why are you a cat?"

*Like I know,* Tony says, walking back over the table towards Steve.

*I went to bed like normal, I woke up like this.*

Steve puts the phone on speaker and then sets it on the table. "Didyou do anything strange yesterday? Notice anything weird?"

*Steve,* Tony says, sitting next to the phone, and okay, that's weird,hearing his own voice come from the speaker like that. *We're super-heroes. Strange is normal for us.*

"You know what I mean," Steve says, crossing his arms, and Tony

sighs.

*No I didn't do anything or notice anything yesterday. I finished mymaintenance, went to bed, and woke up like this.*

"Maybe you pissed off the God of Cats," Peter says, leaning forwardand gesturing with his spoon. "Did you pass a kitten in the street andignore it?"

*No,* Tony says, and then pauses. *Uh, guys? I have a problem.*

"What is it?" Steve says, uncrossing his arms, and Tony looks up athim and meows as plaintively as he can manage.

*I'm hungry.*

***


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"Tuna," says Peter, already up, cereal abandoned, and poking throughthe cupboards. MJ is just watching, amused. "Cats like tuna, right?"

*I'm checking the internet,* Tony says, running three searches atonce. *And no, I don't like tuna.*

"You've only been a cat for like an hour!" Peter says, turning to the ta-ble. "How do you know you don't like tuna? Maybe your new cat taste-

buds like tuna."

Tony stares at him for a moment, then deliberately turns his back.*The internet says I should have some sort of special home-cookedfood,* he says. *Fish and special milk and vegetables.*

Steve shakes his head, possibly in disbelief, although whether it's overPeter or Tony, Tony can't tell. "Okay," he says. "How about I go downto the store and buy some kitten food?"

*Kitten food?* Tony says. *Kitten food?*

Steve finally cracks a smile. "Yes, Tony," he says. "Kitten food. It's foodfor kittens. Which you apparently are."

"Kitten food," Tony mutters, and it comes out soft and plaintive.

"Don't make that sort of noise," Steve says. "I'll be right back."

*Take me with you,* Tony demands. *If I'm going to be eating kitten

food I'm going to pick which one.*

Steve rolls his eyes. "Fine," he says, scooping up the phone in onehand and Tony in the other, "but I'm swapping this for my communica-tor. Much easier to talk that way."

"I thought my tuna idea was good," Peter mutters, returning to hisseat and poking at his cereal with his spoon.

"Eat your breakfast," MJ says, patting him on the shoulder, and Stevesteadies Tony against his chest and heads back to his room.


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***

Steve picks his communicator off the nightstand and slots it into hisear, closing his phone. "Okay," he says, putting Tony down on the bed."Say something."

*Something,* Tony says, a private channel straight to Steve, andSteve smiles.

"Okay, good," he says. He lifts his jacket from the back of a chair, slid-ing it on, and slings the first strap of his shield case over his shoulder.

*You're going to buy food,* Tony says, prowling down the bed and re-

sisting the urge to pounce on a bunched section of blanket. *Not beatthings up.*

"You never know," Steve says, slipping his other arm through thestrap. "Also, why are you stalking my blanket?"

Tony immediately sits down and pretends he's been doing nothing ofthe sort. *I don't know what you're talking about,* he says. *Also, I'mriding on your shield.*

"Sure you don't," Steve says, but he picks Tony up and sets him on hisshoulder.

Tony pads across Steve until he's settled in the hollow between the topof the case and Steve's neck, paws and chin resting on Steve's shoul-der so he can still see. *Okay,* he says. *Food.*

Steve reaches up, blind, and brushes his fingers over Tony's head. "Itis safe for me to take you out in public, right?" he says. "I mean, Idon't want to have to chase a kitten around, say, a grocery storewhere they don't allow pets."

*I will be perfectly well-behaved,* Tony says, yowling right in Steve'sear to illustrate his point.

"I'm going to regret this," Steve says, and they go out the door.


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***

Steve pours the kitten food into a bowl on the kitchen table and fishesTony out from behind his neck. "Here you go."

*Thanks,* Tony says. *And if you pick me up by the scruff of my neckagain I am going to bite you.*

Steve makes a 'hmm'ing noise and heads to the cupboard to put thepacket away, and Tony sticks his nose in the bowl. He's glad the otherAvengers aren't around - it's weird enough being a cat without havingan audience while he does things like eat kitten food. Yes, he's a kittenright now, but he just knows that once he's back to normal Peter's go-ing to be telling stories about that time Tony ate cat food for a week,

and it's going to be hilarious to everyone but him.

The food is - okay, it's weird, but it's not bad. It's actually pretty good,now that Tony thinks about it, and sets about licking up every straypiece out of the bowl.

By the time he's finished destroying the remains of the food and startspaying attention to things that aren't his breakfast, Steve is sitting atthe end of the table with what was once a full glass of milk.

"So, not too bad then?" Steve says, and Tony mrows at him.

Steve downs the rest of his milk and picks up Tony's bowl, standingand putting the dishes on the sink. Tony stretches, trying not to putclaw marks on the table, and then realises he has another problem.

*Steve, I need to, um.*

"Tony?" Steve turns around, leans against the bench.

*Uh, nevermind.*

"Come on," Steve says.

*Bathroom,* Tony manages, curling into a little ball of embarrassedkitten.


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"We could get you a l-"

*You say the word 'litterbox' and I will claw you in your sleep,* Tonysays. *Just, put me in the bathroom and close the door.*

"I just don't want you to fall in," Steve says.

*The internet says I'll be fine,* Tony says.

"Because the internet is never wrong," Steve says, but he picks Tonyup and sets him on his shoulder as they go down the corridor.

***

Steve only has to dry him off three times before he gets the hang of it.

***

Steve spends a big chunk of the day in the gym. Tony curls up in acorner on Steve's jacket and spends his time researching via the Ex-tremis, trying to find anything he can about people being turned intokittens. Cats. Felines of any description. He's not fussy, really, as longas he can find something.

He finds a lot of nothing, and after several hours he's hungry again,tired, and has a headache. He's not really sure if cats are supposed toget headaches, and he'd run another search to see but his head hurtstoo much.

"I'm hungry again," Tony announces to Steve, who is currently stretch-ing in the middle of the mat, film of sweat on his skin.

"You have to speak English," Steve says, face against his knee, andTony uncurls from the jacket and shakes himself out.

*I'm hungry again,* Tony says, head throbbing. *Isn't it lunch timeyet?*

"Probably mid-afternoon," Steve says, switching legs. "You're the onewith the clock."


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Tony flops over onto the edge of the mat. *I have a headache,* he ad-mits.

"Can cats get headaches?" Steve asks, and Tony groans plaintively."Okay," Steve says, "I'll take your word for it."

He holds the stretch for a few more moments and then relaxes backup, shifting to his feet. He scoops Tony up in one hand, his jacket inthe other, and heads back to the kitchen.

The bowl from earlier has been rinsed and is sitting back on thekitchen table; Steve puts Tony next to it and pulls out the packet ofkitten food again.

"I'm going to grab a shower," Steve says as he fills the bowl. "Don't goanywhere."

Tony mrows his agreement and sticks his nose in, vaguely registeringSteve's footsteps going down the corridor. He's a kitten on a mission,and he can't believe he just thought that sentence. Being a kitten isfrying his brain, obviously. Anyway, he has food to eat.

Once the bowl is empty, Tony curls up in a ball next to it. Apparentlybeing a kitten involves a lot of eating and then feeling sleepy. He tucks

his head on his paws and closes his eyes, and then Steve is carefullypicking him up, trying not to jostle him too much.

"What time is it?" Tony mumbles, verbalising as some sort of patheticwhimper, and he would care more about that but he's really kind oftired.

"Go back to sleep," Steve murmurs, easing gentle fingers down theback of his head, and Tony does.

***

Tony wakes up cold, curled in a ball on a chair next to Steve's bed. Theroom is dark but he's a kitten - he can see just fine, no need for alight. Steve is sleeping on his back, blankets up to his armpits, hiscommunicator still in his ear.


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Tony uncurls and stretches, claws snagging at least two fabric threads,but Tony's pretty sure Steve doesn't care about the chair upholstery.He glances around, and notices that Steve has left the bathroom doorajar. He leaps down from the chair, padding over, and eels through thegap. Inside, Steve has set up a bowl of water and another bowl of kit-ten food on a little mat for him.

Tony eats and drinks, checking the time via Extremis. It's getting to-wards midnight, so he's slept for a fairly long time, and yet he's stillsleepy.

"Kittens," he snorts out loud, and then freezes to see if Steve heard.

Nothing from the bedroom, and he takes another few laps of water be-

fore heading back. He jumps back on the chair and curls up, but he'sstill too cold to be really comfortable. He eyes off the bed for a mo-ment, then mentally shrugs and leaps across the gap. He doesn't think

Steve will mind, and if he does, Tony will apologise tomorrow.

He pads up the blankets, tiny paws stepping lightly up Steve's arm,and curls up on his chest. It's much warmer up here, and Tony puts hishead down. Steve's heart throbs steadily under his ear, and he letshimself go.

***

Tony's in the kitchen when the call comes in, and he's halfway to theelevator and calling the undersheath of his armour when he realisesthat a)his undersheath is not responsive and b)he is a kitten, and willtherefore be unable to physically pilot his armour. Not that this willstop him directing his armour remotely (and he sends out the order toassemble, pieces flying together and the visual feed from the armourkicking in behind his eyes) but Tony likes being in the armour.

He hears Steve give the order to assemble over the communicators,Peter and Luke checking in, already on their way. Jessica is on the heli-carrier for a meeting with S.H.I.E.L.D., but she'll get there as soon asshe can, although Maria Hill is stalling with her usual animosity.

*Steve, do you need a lift?* Tony asks, racing down the corridor. Stevehad been taking a shower after a gym workout; he's stepping out of


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his room as Tony approaches, shield on his arm and pulling his cowl upone-handed.

"Tony, you're-" Steve says, and then the armour steps out of the ele-vator.

"Come on, Captain," Iron Man says. "The others are already on theirway."

"I heard," Steve says, jogging past Tony towards the armour. "You'reright to pilot like this?"

"I could pilot the armour in my sleep," Iron Man says, Tony doing asharp u-turn and dashing after Steve.

Steve stops next to the armour, which puts an arm around his waist."Hold on," Tony says through the armour as he takes a flying leap andsets all four sets of claws in one of Steve's belt pouches.

The armour launches, Tony clinging on for dear life. He traces the loca-tion of the origin call and sets a flight path before they've even clearedthe roof, monitoring his visual feeds automatically for air traffic as hetracks down any digital signal coming from the area. He picks up a po-lice band ("Sir, it's- we can't contain this! We need help!"), sixteen cell

phone videos (although he's learnt his lesson about those, too blurryto be useful unless they're the only thing in the area) and two net-work-TV video cameras. He patches into those, streaming themstraight into his head.

*Anyone know what we're dealing with?* Tony asks over the Avengerschannel, watching two almost identical blonde newscasters speakearnestly into microphones about the menace crawling over New Yorkstreets.

The armour flies around a corner, automatically correcting against thewind, and one of the cameras pans over and up, zooming in on peoplerunning frantically down the street. The newscaster is saying some-thing about pandemonium in the streets.

"I'm almost there," Peter says. "Just around this - oh my god. This isworse than the ninjas."


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"I thought nothing was worse than ninjas," Luke says.

The second camera pans across, now, and Tony blinks as he stares atthe feed, trying to work out if he should believe what he's seeing.

"I changed my mind," Peter says. "This is definitely worse than nin-

jas."

"What are we looking at, Spider-Man?" Steve says, all Captain Americanow that there's something to fight, and the armour clears the last ob-structing building and enters open airspace.

"Giant lobsters," Peter says, and Tony watches from two different an-

gles as lobsters the size of buses scuttle down the sidewalk, leavinglightpoles crumpled and sparking in their wake.

"Are you shitting me?" Luke says, and Tony drops the extra feeds, do-ing a visual scan through the armour.

*The lobsters are coming from the river,* Tony says. *They appear tobe arriving onto the island at a single point and then spreading out.*

"We need to contain them and force them back to that point," Steve

says. "Luke, where are you coming from?"

"North," Luke says.

"You take the northern streets," Steve says immediately.

"I'm at the south end," Peter says, and Steve looks sideways at the ar-mour.

"Drop me north of centre," he says. "We'll take the middle."

"Got it," Tony says, calculates where the lobsters will be in thirty sec-onds, and takes them in to land.

The moment boots touch pavement Steve is off and running. Tony'spaws are starting to ache from the strain of holding on so long, but he


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tries to ignore it (and it's not like he's short of practice on attempting

to ignore pain, but that's something he also tries to ignore). The ar-

mour takes off again, staying low this time and cutting between build-ings, arriving at the point Tony tracked a good ten seconds before thefirst giant lobster.

"I'm here," Luke says, then "Shit, they really are giant lobsters."

"And here I forgot to bring my lobster mallet," Peter says.

Tony patches in to the police band. *This is Iron Man. The Avengersare here to contain the threat. Please clear the area of civilians.*

"Roger that, Iron Man," someone replies, and then the armour is in

range, body-slamming the first lobster and stopping it in its tracks, fol-lowing it up with a double-gauntlet repulser blast which sends it tum-bling backwards down the street.

Steve has also engaged his first lobster, although since Tony is clingingto a belt-pouch on his back, Tony has no idea what he's doing. He's

just trying to hang on and go with Steve's motions.

The lobster the armour tossed has managed to collect two other lob-sters in its path, a tangled mess of waving claws and feelers fetched

up against a line of parked cars. Tony sends the armour racing for-ward, blasting the lobster pile further backwards, catching up anotherlobster in its tumble.

Steve darts sideways, one of Tony's back paws coming loose as a giantclaw snaps shut right where Steve's head had just been. Tony scrab-bles back a clawhold as Steve moves forward, twisting as he throwshis shield at the lobster in front of him.

*Spider-Man,* Tony says, body swinging sideways as Steve movesagain, *I'm three streets north of you. I have a pile of lobsters thatwould be much more awesome as a ball of lobsters.*

"I'm not sure webbing will go that well with garlic butter," Peter says. Afew moments later he swings down from overhead and covers the lob-ster pile with webbing.


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"These things came out of the Hudson," Luke says. "You really want toeat them?"

"That's true," Peter says, swinging out of the armour's sight. "They'rejust shells of their former selves."

One of Tony's front paws comes loose this time, and he sends the ar-mour charging forward with the smallest amount of concentration hecan as he desperately swipes at the leather. He manages to snag oneclaw into the pouch and hang as the armour shoves the lobster ball ca-reening down the street, knocking over the lobsters advancing in hisdirection.

"Hey, you got a strike!" Peter says.

"What are you talking about?" Luke says.

"Lobster-bowling," Peter says. "It's the new sport this season."

*How are you guys going?* Tony says. *My section is under control.*

"I am a lobster mallet," Luke says. "I got no problems."

"Fine here," Steve says, and then dives into a sideways roll across thestreet as a claw slams into the asphalt where he'd just been. Peter'sanswer blurs into Tony's yowl as he loses his grip and gets tossed tothe street, tumbling a few feet before he can regain his balance. Hegets to his feet a little unsteadily, shaking his head and lookingaround.

Steve is standing a few yards away, back to the lobsters and staring athim. "Tony? What are you-" he says, not over the comm, and the lob-ster behind him raises a claw.

*Behind you!* Tony says directly to Steve, urgent, and Steve spinsand shifts in the same motion, Tony a streak across the street as hedarts to catch up to him.


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"What are you doing here," Steve says, sharp and concerned, all accu-sation and no question. "This is no place for kittens."

*I'll be fine,* Tony says. *Just keep fighting.*

"Tony-" Steve says, and Tony hisses in annoyance.

*I will watch from over here if you want,* he says. *Just stop arguing

an- duck!*

Steve does a controlled tumble across the street, rolling up and fling-ing his shield at the lobster, hitting it right in the fa- in the mass offeelers and eyes that's probably its face, anyway. The lobster staggers

backwards, Steve advancing. "Just stay out of the way," Steve says,

and then throws his shield again, muscles in his arm bunching.

Tony jumps onto the hood of the nearest parked car, then the roof,keeping pace with Steve as he slowly advances. In the back of hismind, the armour is pushing the lobster ball even further down thestreet. It takes out another set of lobsters, and he tracks where he iscompared to the others, communicator signals blinking dots on hismap of New York streets. Peter is lagging behind the most, and hegives the lobster ball one last push before taking a quick zigzag over inhis direction.

*Spider-Man,* Tony says, *swap streets.*

"You just think my lobsters are tastier than yours," Peter accuses, giv-ing the armour the thumbs up as he swings past in the opposite direc-tion.

*I don't think I'm going to be eating lobster again for a very longtime,* Tony says, and sets about blasting Peter's lobsters down thestreet towards the river.

His physical body has jumped another three cars to keep up withSteve, slowly but surely pushing his lobsters back. A noise to his rightcatches his attention, a diner full of patrons plastered to glass windowsand watching, without care for their own safety. One of them is point-


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ing at him, and he shakes himself and looks away, jumping to the nextcar.

*If you can get this one back and to the right you'll take out the nextlobster too,* Tony says to Steve.

Steve doesn't reply, frustration in the line of his body as he hurls hisshield again, but the lobster goes staggering back and to the right,tumbling into the one behind it and both of them going down.

"Easy, kitty kitty," someone says behind him, soft, Tony not paying at-tention as he scans the area for the most advantageous directionSteve can shove his next lobster. "Come on, just let me-"

Someone grabs him, hands tight around his midsection, and Tonyyowls, scrabbling furiously and lashing out with claws.

*Steve!* he yells, panicked, and then whoever it is drops him as Tony

scores a particularly vicious scratch down the back of their hand. Hestreaks towards Steve, who has turned in his direction, the next lob-ster a little way off and no immediate threat.

He circles behind Steve's legs, turning and hissing at his attacker. It'sthe guy from the diner, who is swearing and shaking out his injured

hand.

"It's not safe out here, you should go back inside," Steve tells him,voice raised to carry. "Also, don't touch the kitten."

"Just trying to get her to safety," the guy mutters, but he goes.

"Can you stay out of trouble for one minute?" Steve asks Tony wearily,and Tony mrows plaintively.

*I was staying out of trouble!* he complains. *If that guy hadn't -

okay, lobster time.*

He gets out of the way as Steve moves forward to intercept the lob-ster, finding another line of parked cars to watch from - on the otherside of the street. There are no more surprises, though, and by the


20/57

time the Avengers converge on the point the lobsters had been leavingthe river they are already retreating, scuttling back into the river, leav-ing their fallen behind.

"Where the hell were they coming from?" Luke demands. His shirt hasbeen reduced to shreds, although his sunglasses are still in place, al-beit scratched.

"Wherever giant lobsters live?" Peter asks, flicking a stray piece ofshell from his shoulder. Tony, sitting on Steve's shoulder, ducks as itflies past.

"I can find out," Tony says, and the armour dives into the river afterthem. He follows the flickering motions of the final lobster a hundred

yards towards the ocean, and then there is a blur of colour and motionand when everything clears it's gone.

Tony circles the spot, doing scan after scan, but it all comes to thesame conclusion: nothing.

*You're not going to believe this,* he says, finally. *They just van-ished. There's no energy residue here, nothing to indicate a portal ofany kind, or a cloaked ship, or anything at all. There's just, nothing.Like they were never here.*

Tony swivels his head to check, but the strewn debris of fallen lobstersover the streets indicates that a similar disappearance has not affectedthe remaining lobsters on land.

"That's disturbing," Peter says. "Seriously. Anyone else find that dis-turbing? I mean, giant lobsters the size of buses don't just vanish."

"Apparently, they do," Tony says, wading out of the river, water sheet-ing off the armour.

"Well, shit," Luke says, looking at the armour. "Are they going to comeback?"

The armour shrugs. "Hell if I know," Tony says.


21/57

Luke takes the non-answer at face value, nodding and glancingaround. His gaze falls on Tony, sitting on Steve's shoulder. "Hey," hesays. "Hey, Cap. Why do you have a kitten?"

***

Peter says he'll make his own way back to the Tower, but the armourgives both Steve and Luke a lift back, one under each arm, Steve withTony cradled carefully in the crook of his arm. Steve's still annoyed,Tony can tell with how he barely said two words while Peter told Lukeall about Tony's current status as a kitten, but the arm holding him isgentle, safe. Despite smelling really quite a lot like lobster, Steve is stillvery warm, and underneath it all, he still smells like Steve.

When they land on the roof Luke sniffs a few times and declares he isgoing to spend the rest of the day in the shower scrubbing off lobster.Steve nods as he leaves, and then it's just him and Tony, and silence.

*You should have a shower too,* Tony says. *The lobster is kind ofstrong.*

Steve nods and heads through the door, the armour following. Once in-side Tony sends it towards the elevator, where it can go back down tothe lab, sluice off, and then disassemble. Steve goes straight for his

room, setting Tony down on the chair next to the bed and walking intothe bathroom. The door closes firmly behind him, and Tony stares at it.There's the odd thunk of metal on plaster that would be the shield be-ing lent against the wall, the rustle of clothes hitting the floor, and thenwater rushing through pipes.

"Tony," Steve says after a minute, voice coming through soft on theprivate channel, "why did you come to the fight?"

Tony pokes delicately at a loose thread with one of his claws. *I'm anAvenger,* he says. *Once an Avenger-*

"Always an Avenger," Steve finishes. "I know, but Tony - you're a kit-

ten. You could have been hurt."


22/57

*I didn't get hurt,* Tony says. *Steve, I was fine. I will be fine. I'm

not just - I'm not going to sit here and not help.*

"That guy grabbed you," Steve says. "I thought-" He breaks off, si-lence for a few moments. "I'm going to wash my hair," he says. "I'll beback in a second."

The line goes dead, and Tony prowls around the chair. He should godo... something else, somewhere else, but he can't tinker with his ar-

mour and anyway, the garage is probably going to smell like lobster forthe next five hours. Steve put him on the chair, though, and Steve -well, it means something to Tony that out of all of them, Steve's theonly one wearing his communicator at all times. Even when he's sleep-ing.

The line clicks open and Tony stops circling and sits down facing thedoor.

"When the guy grabbed you," Steve says, never one to back downfrom a topic, "I thought a lobster had hit you. I don't want you to gethurt."

*I'm not - Steve, that guy was just a guy. The lobsters never got nearme. Kittens can run pretty fast.*

"That's not the point," Steve says, frustration lacing his tone. "You're a

kitten and you shouldn't have been there."

Tony blinks. *You... don't want me to help.*

"I want you to help. I don't want you to get hurt because you're a kit-

ten and can't protect yourself," Steve says. In the bathroom, the watershuts off.

Tony picks at the end of the loose thread. *I can handle it,* he says.*I'm not going to get hurt.*

"Tony-"


23/57

*You can't just cut me out,* Tony says. Steve had come to him first,when he wanted to restart the Avengers, and that meant something,right?

"I'm not trying to cut you out," Steve says. His voice is muffled, oddrustling underlying his words; Tony guesses he's toweling his hair. "I'mtrying to stop you getting hurt because you are a kitten."

Tony hears 'kitten', and behind that he hears 'heart condition' and 're-covering alcoholic' and 'been mind-controlled too many times'. *Steve,I can't - this is what I do. This is who I am.* It was always going to be

something, but Tony's gotten used to the hand he gets dealt. *I'm notgoing to let this stop me doing my job.*

"You don't have to let it," Steve says. "You were remote-piloting thearmour today - why couldn't you pilot it from here?"

Tony blinks, processing. Steve doesn't want him fighting with the oth-ers. Doesn't want him there. *If you don't want me around you justhave to say so,* he says.

"That is not what I said," Steve says, and then the door to the bath-room wrenches open, Steve haloed in steam, towel around his waistand hair standing up in messy spikes. "Tony, I do want you around.

You're part of the team. I just want you to look after yourself for achange."

Tony's going to reply, he really is, because he does look after himself,

it's just that other things are more important than him, only his kittenbody decides then to remind him that a)he is a kitten and b)kittens gethungry, especially kittens who have just hitched rides to a battlezonewith giant lobsters and then raced all over the road. He makes a noisethat he will deny with his last breath ever making, it's that pitiful, andSteve frowns.

"Tony? You okay?"

*I'm hungry again,* Tony says, dropping his head onto his paws andgroaning.


24/57

Steve sighs. "Let me put some clothes on," he says, "and I'll get yousome food."

***

Tony is in the garage when the news comes on. He doesn't normallypay attention, but this whole thing where he's a kitten means thatwhile he can design specs as much as he wants, he can't actually con-struct anything worth a damn, and it's starting to frustrate him. Heprobably shouldn't have come down here at all, but after this morn-ing's conversation with Steve, Tony thought he should give the man abreak. He's certainly not hiding or anything, and the fact that he's putthe garage into what is essentially a scaled-down version of a lock-down doesn't mean anything.

"-Avengers," he catches out of the corner of his ear, and stops scowl-ing at the specs for a kitten-sized hookup to fit inside his armour thathe has no way to build, and anyway he's not going to be a kitten for-ever so it's not like he needs to think about adapting his armour to his

current form, and he should be watching the TV now.

He ups the volume via Extremis and leaps across to the next work-bench, closer to the screen. A middle-aged man is standing with a mi-crophone on a sidewalk, lobster remains scattered across the road be-hind him.

"They arrived shortly after initial incursion, and were able to push thelobsters back to the river with no further casualties," the man says."This footage, captured on cell phones earlier, shows some of thefight."

The screen cuts to a slightly blurred image of Steve throwing his shieldat the lobster in front of him, Tony a tiny dark shape streaking away toa line of cars.

"For those of us not present at the fight," the man says, picture cuttingback to him, "Captain America appears to have picked up a new side-kick."


25/57

Tony freezes on the workbench, staring, as the newscaster stepsslightly to the side. "Derek Jones, a local resident who was in the area,witnessed the fight."

A second man steps into shot, the guy who'd tried to grab Tony backon the street. "Thanks, Tom," he says, and the newscaster nods.

"Why don't you tell us what happened, Derek?"

"I took my morning break in a diner across the street," Derek says,looking at the camera. "I was in there when the lobsters started com-ing down the street, and we all stayed inside, because it seemed saferthat way."

He doesn't look nervous in front of the camera, and Tony hisses at thescreen. "Asshole," he mutters.

"Captain America came down the street shortly afterwards," Derekcontinues. "He was pushing the lobsters back, and there was this tinyblack kitten keeping pace with him on the parked cars. I didn't realisethe kitten was with him, and I went out to try and bring her to safety."

"Wait," Tony says. "Wait, 'her'?"

"And that's when the kitten attacked you?" Tom the newscaster says,and Derek nods and lifts his wrists into view. They're covered with thinscratches, the largest across the back of his hand still raised and red.

"I tried to get her off the car," Derek says, "and she attacked me."

"You grabbed me!" Tony yowls at the screen. "I am not a girl!"

"And then what happened?" Tom asks.

"I dropped her and she ran right to Captain America," Derek says. "Hetold me to go back inside, and not to touch the kitten." He looks downat his wrists, then back up at the camera. "I was trying to help her,"

he says, eyes glimmering, and Tony sneers at the screen.

"Asshole," he says.


26/57

"Thanks Derek," Tom says, patting him on the shoulder, and turns tothe camera. It zooms in, enough to take Derek out of the shot. "An-other bystander caught these shots at the end of the fight," Tom says,and the screen shows a picture of the four of them talking, Tonyperched on Steve's shoulder.

"These pictures seem to confirm that the kitten is attached to CaptainAmerica," Tom says, picture returning to him. "But is his choice ofhelper wise? The kitten has no collar, a violation of New York law, andseems badly trained, as Derek has attested. We can only ask, what isCaptain America thinking?"

Tony switches off the TV in disgust, which is of course when Steve de-

cides to call him on the communicator.

"Tony? You there?"

*Yeah,* Tony says wearily. *What is it?*

Steve sounds hesitant. "It's been a few hours," he says. "Are you-" Hepauses, and then starts again. "Are you hungry?"

Now that he's mentioned it, Tony is hungry. Very hungry. *Yeah, a

bit,* he says.

"If you come out of there I can get some food for you," Steve says.

*Okay,* Tony says, and then sighs. *Also, you'd better watch thenews.*

Tony takes the garage out of the lockdown, noting that one SteveRogers had tried to gain access three (3) times in the last hour, andhas the elevator take him back up to the penthouse. When the doorsopen and he pads out, Steve is standing in front of the TV, scowling.

"I cannot believe what they will play as news," Steve mutters to him-self, and Tony annouces his arrival by mrowing at him.


27/57

*They're saying I'm a law violation,* he says, twining around Steve'sankles. *A law violation!*

"Well they're right," Steve says, staying very still. "You don't have a

collar."

Tony yowls his disgust, and Steve shrugs. "The cameras are going tobe on you now," he says. "If you want to go outside, you're going tohave to wear a collar."

Tony sits down in the middle of the floor and whines miserably. Stevecrouches down next to him and gently scoops him up. "Look at it thisway," he says. "It's just like when you wear a suit and tie for all thosepress conferences and board meetings you have."

Tony looks up at Steve with the saddest expression he can manage."It's a collar," he whines, and Steve shakes his head and looks away.

"Your kitten eyes will not work on me," he says firmly, and stands towalk into the kitchen. "We can go to the pet store after you havesomething to eat."

***

The pet store has a variety of collars of different colours on hooks, ar-ranged according to size. Tony puts a moratorium on anything orange,pink, or sparkling, and then tries on the rest of the collars in his sizeone by one. He eventually settles on a sleek black leather collar twicethe price of everything else. The store owner has to put in extra holesin it so it will fit around his neck, but once that's done it's quite com-fortable. Steve buys one of the little identity tags for him as well, atiny round silver disc.

*I can engrave that back in the garage,* Tony says, and Steve turnsdown the owner's offer to engrave it for them.

Safely back in Stark Tower, Tony has Steve carry him to the garagewhere he spends five minutes programming one of the machines toengrave the disc for him.


28/57

*Okay, put it on the slot,* he says finally, Steve putting the disc downwhere indicated, and Tony starts the program.

The machine engraves "Avengers Tower, New York" on one side of thedisc, and then flips it over.

"What are you going to put?" Steve asks, and Tony watches as the ma-chine spells out 'STARK' on the other side.

*I certainly wasn't going with Peter's suggestions,* Tony says, the ma-chine tipping the finished disc onto a plate to cool.

"I don't know," Steve says nonchalantly, "I thought 'Mister Fluffy' wasa great name for a kitten-" and then bolts as Tony chases him across

the lab.

***

It's MJ's turn to pick the film tonight, and she picks Kiss Me, Kate, an

early 50s film that Tony had seen one night when he was working latein the garage. They squash onto the couches in their usual positions,which leaves Steve a couch to himself, Tony curled up on the emptyseat next to Steve's leg.

He's mostly used to the collar by now, but it's tighter than he normallywears his suit ties and every so often he'll twitch his head to try andget rid of whatever is starting to choke him, tag clinking gently.

The fourth time he does it Steve sets his hand carefully on the nape ofTony's neck, scritching gently behind his ears. It works as a great dis-traction, actually, and Tony leans into the warmth of Steve's leg,stretching his head forward onto his paws. He can't really see thescreen properly from this angle, but that's okay, he's seen the moviealready. If he really wanted he could hack into the digital signal andwatch it via Extremis, anyway.

Steve's fingers are soothing, and the heat is nice, and Tony lets hiseyelids droop. He's not falling asleep, just resting, really. His ears workfine, though, which is why he hears Peter whisper softly (he assumesto MJ), "Hey, is Tony purring?"


29/57

He is, he realises, purring, kind of loudly, actually, and shakes himselffree of Steve's hand, bolting off the couch and out of the room.

"Hey, Tony-" he hears Peter call from behind him and ignores it infavour of streaking down the hall and into his room. He leans againsthis door to close it, and it's only once the lock has clicked that he re-alises that he actually has no way of opening the door again.

"Goddammit," he swears, butting the door in frustration with his head,

and then yowls in pain.

Footsteps come near the door, too heavy to be Peter, and Steve saysover the comm "I'm going to open the door now."

Tony gets out of the way as the door swings open, huddling in on thecarpet, and Steve comes through the gap and closes the door behindhim, sitting down on the carpet next to him.

"I'll open the door anytime you want," he says softly. "I just thoughtyou might not want other people hearing."

Tony mrows, embarrassed and depressed all at once. It wasn't his faulthe was a kitten, but he was supposed to have better control over him-

self than this. He hadn't even realised he was-

"It's okay," Steve says. "You're a kitten, and kittens purr."

*It was not okay,* Tony says. *It was inappropriate and I shouldn'thave.*

Steve pauses. "Inappropriate? How was it inappropriate?"

Tony is not answering that question truthfully, and maybe not at all,because then it would mean revealing to Steve that enjoying whatSteve was doing to the extent that he has some sort of involuntary re-action like purring, for gods sake, was definitely inappropriate, and

he'd been able to keep himself in check for the past several years justfine and just because he was a kitten didn't mean that he could just-


30/57

Tony stops, calms down. Steve is right here, and he had better givehim some sort of answer. He's just not sure what to say.

"Look, it-" Steve says, maybe taking Tony's silence the wrong way."I'm sorry for scritching you, it just seemed like your collar was annoy-ing you and obviously you didn't want me to. I'm sorry."

*What?* Tony says. It's not Steve's fault, not at all. *No, no, you were

fine. It's not your fault.*

"Then why are you hiding in here?" Steve asks, leaning back on hishands and looking at the ceiling. Tony takes a second to admire thelong planes of his throat.

*Because-* Tony says. *Because I didn't realise I was purring and itwas kind of embarrassing to have it drawn to my attention that way.*

"You know," Steve says, "Cats purr all the time. It just means you'rehappy."

And how, Tony thinks, and shakes his head. *It was embarrassing,* hesays.

"I thought it was cute," Steve says.

"Cute?" Tony says, outraged, only it comes out tiny and kittenish, and

Steve grins at him.

"Definitely cute," Steve says, and Tony sits bolt upright and glowers.

*I am not cute,* he says.

"Can I get that in writing?" Steve says. "Breaking news: Tony Starksays he's not cute."

*Oh, that's it,* Tony says, and leaps at Steve.

Steve's quicker than he's expecting, bringing both hands up fast tocatch Tony before Tony can land on his face, and without their support


31/57

falls back onto the carpet, laughing. Tony stalks down his chest to puthis nose right in Steve's face.

*Say it,* Tony says.

Steve calms down and stops laughing, taking a breath. "You are defi-

nitely the cutest little kitten ever."

Tony yowls in frustration as Steve starts laughing again. It's okay,though, because Steve laughing is one of the best sounds in the world,right up there with the armour forming around him and the coffeemak-er beep that means his coffee is finished.

Steve thinks he's cute.

***

They don't go back and finish the movie with the others; Steve sayshe's tired and Tony's had an... eventful day, also he's a kitten and he

gets tired pretty easily. Steve just carries him back to his room andputs him in the bathroom while Steve gets changed out in the mainroom, then when Tony's done Tony makes himself comfortable on hischair while Steve uses the bathroom.

Steve leaves the door open a crack for Tony, in case he wants to movearound, and slides into bed, shifting around a bit before he stills.There's a moment of silence, Tony aware of Steve breathing and thefact that they're both still awake, listening.

"Tony," Steve says, softly. "If you want, you can." He stops, and Tonysits up.

*Steve?*

"I noticed last night, you, uh. Moved over here in the middle of thenight."

Tony's not sure if kittens can blush, but his face feels hot anyway.*Um, I was just-* He thought he'd woken up before Steve, and avoid-


32/57

ed him noticing, but apparently that's not the case. He's not reallysure what to say, but thankfully Steve cuts him off.

"It's okay, I didn't mind," Steve says. "I know this. Hasn't been easyfor you. If it's more comfortable for you over here, that's okay."

*Are you sure?* Tony says doubtfully. He really wants to take Steve up

on his offer, but he doesn't want Steve to be offering out of a sense ofobligation. *Kittens are kind of heavy.*

"I'm sure," Steve says. "If I minded I would have said something lastnight. Also, you really aren't that heavy."

*If you're going to segue into one of your 'you should eat more' con-

versations,* Tony says, leaping onto Steve's bed, *you can stop rightthere.*

"You're eating your own weight in kitten food every day," Steve says."I wouldn't dream of-"

Tony mrows at him, and Steve stops, grinning. "Hurry up and get uphere," he says.

Tony steps carefully up onto his chest, curling up into a ball. Steve's

fingers brush over his head a second later, his scent familiar and safe.

"'Night, Tony," he says, softly, and Tony mrows quietly in response.

***

Tony wakes before Steve again the next morning, but sure in theknowledge that Steve doesn't mind him there - invited him, even -Tony doesn't bother moving, Steve warm and solid beneath him. Hetunes into the morning news channel (dark clouds to the east herald astorm, Spears in rehab again, Captain America's cat still a mystery)and opens his email (16 spam mail, obviously he'll need to tighten thecode in his spam filter again, and 27 new messages). He smirks in-wardly as he forwards twenty of them to Pepper - she can have fundealing with those, subject lines about invitations and conferences -

and opens the latest specs forwarded from the R&D department.


33/57

He's running equations to check their math (he thinks they've misseda variable, and he's looking forward to sending it back to them withthe errors circled in red) when Steve's breathing changes, ever soslight hitch as he comes to consciousness. It's very smooth, really, andTony probably wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't been curled up onSteve's chest.

Steve yawns, shifting slightly under Tony, not really enough to disturbhim, and then a gentle hand comes down on his back, fingers soothingthrough his fur from neck to tail. Tony registers that he's purring a fewseconds after he actually starts doing it, and stops abruptly.

"Morning," Steve says, voice still husky from sleep. "S'okay."

"Morning," Tony says, because a meow right now will probably notsound quite so embarrassed.

"What time is it?" Steve asks, yawning again. His fingers are still work-ing their way along Tony's back in gentle strokes, and Tony lets himselfrelax into it, purring very, very quietly.

*Seven oh three,* Tony says as the equations finish. The R&D guyshave missed a variable, and Tony attaches his copy of the math to the

email with a slightly bitchy note about avoiding killing lots of peopleand fires it back at them.

"Time for the gym," Steve says, stretching out his other hand. Tonycan feel the muscles in his chest flex under him.

*Time for coffee,* Tony says.

"Coffee is bad for kittens," Steve says.

"Steeeeeeeve," Tony whines, opening his eyes and doing his best tolook pitiful.

Steve freezes for a second, then shakes his head. "I've told you be-fore," he says, "your kitten eyes won't work on me."


34/57

Tony sighs and uncurls from his ball, starting to stretch and then stop-ping at the last second when he realises that he's still standing onSteve and Steve probably won't appreciate claws in his skin. He padsoff Steve and jumps onto his chair, stretching there instead.

Steve sits up, swinging his legs over the edge and standing up. Hestretches with both arms, up above his head, shirt riding up above thewaistband of his shorts, and then rolls down, touching his toes. Some-thing cracks, and Steve hums out a breath.

"That's disturbing," Tony mutters, and Steve straightens.

"You want some food before I head down?" he asks, going into thebathroom and closing the door.

*Yeah,* Tony says. *I'm kind of hungry a lot.*

"I'm not going to complain," Steve says. He comes out a minute laterin workout gear, tossing his sleeping clothes onto the bed. "Okay, tothe kitchen."

Tony's going to jump down and get there himself, but Steve scoopshim up before he can take more than a step, settling him on his shoul-der as he starts walking. Tony shrugs mentally and makes himself

comfortable.

Once Steve's set Tony up with his breakfast he grabs a bottle of waterfrom the fridge and wanders down the hall to the elevator. Tony hearshim go with half an ear, attention on his food. It's kind of weird howhe's eating the same thing for what, three days now, and it's still justas tasty as when he first ate it. It must be some sort of strange kittenthing.

Bowl licked clean, Tony jumps down off the table and pads out into theliving room. The morning sun through the windows is casting a largepatch of light across the couches, and Tony hops up onto an armrestand curls up in the warmth, accessing his email again. There had beenanother set of specs for a different project further down, whose mathhe'd pulled to pieces three days ago. Hopefully they'd come up withsomething better by now.


35/57

He hears MJ and Peter come down the hall and into the kitchen sometime later, clatter of bowls and spoons. The math is far more compli-cated on this project, Tony running four intertwining calculations andtwo graphs simultaneously. So far, the numbers check out, but Tony'sreserving judgment until the end.

More clattering signals an end to breakfast, and footsteps wander pasttwice before Peter notices him.

"Oh, Tony," he says, "hi."

Tony looks up, notes that Peter is not wearing his communicator, andsettles his head back on his paws. "Morning."

Peter glances around, then wanders out of Tony's field of vision for asecond. "Hey, can you hold this?" Something Peter-smelling drapesgently over the back of his head. "That's great, just like that-"

A rush of air means Peter has done some sort of flip, and a cameraflash goes off. Peter lands in front of Tony, smiling and also lookingkind of nervous, like maybe he's worried Tony will claw him in the face,and stands up, snatching up whatever he'd put down. "Okay, well, offto work! See you later-"

"Peter-" Tony calls, but Peter can move really quite fast when he wantsto, and he's already at the elevator, doors closing between them.

Tony glowers at the floor for a good minute or so, and then the mathbehind his eyes completes without a hitch, numbers spooling out per-fectly. Tony cross checks them just to be sure, but it's all correct, downto the last point on the graphs. Since they'd managed to get it rightthis time, Tony just adds 'no casualties' to the email as he attaches hisfiles, then sends it off.

"Morning, Tony," MJ says, patting him on the head as she goes pastwith a whiff of perfume. "Have a good day!"

"Thanks," Tony says, waving a paw at her, and she smiles and wavesback before she, too, heads down the elevator.


36/57

Tony's email pings, and he checks the new message to see it's fromPepper, subject line 'THIS IS IMPORTANT TONY'. He sighs and opens it.The message is short and to the point - he has a board meeting at10am, he had better not be late, threats of death and resignation. Hewonders if 'I'm a kitten right now' is a decent enough excuse, and de-cides it's probably not.

He phones her instead.

"Tony, where are you?"

*Not physically attending the meeting,* Tony says.

"Tony-" Pepper starts, and Tony can just tell that the threats are about

to begin.

*I'm going to teleconference,* Tony says really fast, and wonders howthe silence on the other end of the line can be so threatening.

"You had better be in bed on the verge of death," Pepper says, butshe's not saying no or killing him, so Tony counts it as a win.

*Let's just say that I cannot possibly appear in front of the board inperson right now and leave it at that,* Tony says.

"Are you handcuffed to the bed again?" Pepper says suspiciously, andTony actually yelps in surprise.

*What? No!*

"Fine," Pepper says. "I'll phone you at 9.55," and hangs up. A minutelater, a new email from her arrives, with the agenda for the meeting.Tony scans it, flips it open in a new window over to the side and pro-ceeds to ignore it for the next half hour while he goes through the restof his email.

The elevator pings open, footsteps coming out into the living area, andTony drags his attention away from what he's doing, glancing over tosee Steve, hair mussed and towel around his neck, wandering in thedirection of his room.


37/57

"Hi," Tony says.

Steve glances over. "Oh, there you are. You alright? Need anything?"

*Protection from Pepper,* Tony says, and Steve grins.

"I am not helping you play hooky to get out of a board meeting," hesays.

*Come ooooooon,* Tony whines, and Steve shakes his head, still grin-ning.

"You had more of a chance with the big kitten eyes," he says, andwanders on out of sight.

Tony sighs, puts his head back down, and goes back to work.

***

The board meeting goes about as well as expected, which is to sayTony spends most of his time fiddling with the specs for his jetboots tosee if he can upgrade their power capacity while the board debates is-sues he's either already thought about or doesn't really care about. Inthe end they come to similar conclusions, and everyone goes away

happy, or at least not annoyed at him. Pepper gives the camerahookup a long look as she leaves, and Tony is suddenly very glad thathe is at least fifty floors away from her.

He brings his attention back to the real world to discover that some-time during the board meeting Steve has settled beside him with abook, arm lying next to him and fingers resting lightly on his back. Ev-ery so often he absentmindedly scritches the back of Tony's head, likehe doesn't realise he's doing it. Tony's purring again, soft and low, andhe tells himself to get a grip. Steve is just patting him because he's akitten, and it's what people do when confronted with kittens. It doesn'tmean anything and Tony should get over himself.

He pulls up his email again, forwarding another five invitations to Pep-per, and sees one new message, sender: Mary-Jane Watson-Parker.The subject line reads 'I am quite fond of my husband, please don't killhim'. Tony frowns, and opens the email.


38/57

MJ has kept it short and to the point - 'Dear Tony, I love my husbandbut sometimes he can be a bit silly. I would appreciate it if you didn'tkill him. Love, MJ' - with a link down the bottom. The link is somethinghosted on icanhascheezburger.com, and Tony spends the few secondsit takes for the page to load feeling slightly confused as to why MJwould be sending him a link to a page about cat macros.

Then the page loads, and he shoots bolt upright, bristling. "I AM GO-ING TO KILL HIM!" Tony shrieks.

Steve starts sideways, almost dropping his book.

"Tony? What's wrong?"

*PETER IS A DEAD MAN!* Tony snarls, claws ripping holes in the arm-rest of the couch that he absolutely does not care about, because Pe-ter Parker is going to be as dead as Tony can make him as soon as hecan get his claws into him instead.

"Tony?" Steve says.

Tony snarls something inarticulate, tail lashing. He hopes that wherev-er he is, Peter's spider sense has just gone off, because Tony is going

to kill him.

"Tony, talk to me," Steve says, braving danger and putting his handson the armrest on each side of Tony's claws. "Come on."

Tony turns his head to regard Steve, eyes narrowed. *Peter turned meinto a cat macro,* he says. *On the internet.*

Steve frowns. "Those are those pictures of cats with captions, right?"

*Yes,* Tony says. *And sometimes they are funny but not this time.*

"What did he do?" Steve says, and Tony takes over the TV output andbroadcasts the image direct to the TV.


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*See for yourself,* Tony says, carefully retracting his claws from thecouch.

The picture is of Tony lying on the armrest, Peter's Spider-Man maskdraped over his back. The caption reads 'CAPTN AMERKA'S KITTEHLIEKS SPIDEY MANS BETTAH'.

Steve blinks. "Do you?" he asks.

*What? No,* Tony says. *Well. No, but definitely not right now.*

"Well," Steve says, "I've seen more embarrassing photos of you."

*That's not the point!* Tony yowls. *The point is that he is supposed

to be my friend, and friends don't turn you into cat macros and postyou on the internet.*

"You could just take it down?" Steve asks.

Tony sighs out a long breath and sits down. *No,* he says. *If I pull itnow, it'll just get more popular. The internet hates censorship.*

It's Steve's turn to sigh, now. "It's getting towards lunchtime - maybeyou'll feel better after some food?"

*Coffee,* Tony says, and moans pitifully at Steve.

"No," Steve says, and picks Tony up, kind of gingerly in case his clawsare still out.

Steve's right - Tony does feel less like killing Peter after eating anotherbowl of kitten food. Peter's still going to get his, though, and Tony hasto wonder if Peter had contemplated the possibilities inherent in cross-

ing someone with Tony's capabilities. He tracks down the Avengerscommunicator Peter is carrying on his person, finds the nearest cellphone signal (three inches away, it's got to be Peter's) and changesthe ring tone to the most obnoxious new pop band he can find.

He's thinking about what else he can do to get his revenge (he's not sopetty as to actually go and trash Peter's credit rating and wipe him off


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every database he can access, which is pretty much all of them, butthat doesn't mean he's not going to spend a few minutes thinkingabout how satisfying it would be) when a call comes in. Tony remem-bers that he's a kitten and therefore totally screwed before he leaves

the kitchen this time, and he swears at the floor and calls for the ar-mour.

Steve sends the call out over the comms, racing down the corridor intothe kitchen a moment later. "Tony? You still in here?"

Tony skitters to the side to avoid being stepped on. "Here."

"There you are." Steve crouches down. "There are three very simplerules here. One, you do what I say. Two, you do not leave your pouch.

And three, do not take any risks."

Tony looks up at Steve, notes that there is a pouch hanging on Steve'ship that is a)empty, b)has no lid and c)looks about his size, and blinks.*Are you serious?* he says. *I mean, yes, okay.* He's not going to

give Steve time to change his mind.

Steve scoops Tony up and settles him in the pouch. "If you could notclaw people, that would be good too," he adds.

*Like you didn't want to hit him in the face,* Tony says, although it'sSteve, so he quite possibly didn't. Anyway, the elevator is here now.

Steve meets the armour halfway between the kitchen and the elevator,Iron Man taking a firm hold around Steve's waist. They launch, Tonypatching in to the police line that issued the call.

*This is Iron Man,* he says, cutting through the panicked chatterwhich quiets abruptly at the sound of his voice. *What are we dealingwith?*

The only cameras in the area - the north-east end of Manhattan Island- are serious-faced newsreaders talking about the severity of the after-noon storm. Viewers should bring their washing in, batten down, andprepare to hold out.


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"The Raft put the call out about the storm," a man says over the line,confident. "It passed right over them without incident, but it's headingright for upper Manhattan."

*What is?* Tony asks. *We need to know what we're facing.*

"Far as we can tell," the man says, "the storm is a giant swarm of fly-ing cats." He pauses. "I'd call it crazy, but, well, yesterday it was giantlobsters."

*I know,* Tony says. *Believe me, that smell just does not come off.Have they reached land yet?* He's accessing satellite footage as hespeaks, pulling up pictures of the area. The storm of flying cats (flying

cats? that's just rude, when he doesn't have wings) is visible only as a

dark mass, over the river between Ryker's and Manhattan.

"They're coming up on Randalls-Wards Island," the man says "They'llbe there in a few minutes."

*So will we,* Tony says. *Iron Man out.*

He adjusts the course to head straight for the island, shrinking down inhis pouch. *Close your eyes,* he says to Steve, *I'm going to gofaster-*

Steve locks his free arm around the armour's back and Tony increasesspeed, heading as fast as he thinks Steve can handle towards the is-land. *Head for Randalls-Wards,* he says over the Avengers channel.*The storm is not a storm; it's a mass of flying cats, and they're head-ing our way. No, Luke, I'm not shitting you.*

"Shit," Luke says.

"Huh," Peter says. "Maybe they came to eat the lobsters."

"Ew," Jessica says.

"Oh come on, you weren't even there!" Peter says.


42/57

"Blame Maria Hill," Jessica says. "I would have loved to fight the giantlobsters with you."

"Liar," Peter says.

"Yeah, okay," Jessica says. "Maria Hill was the better end of the deal,

but only because it meant I didn't have to wash my hair again."

Tony rolls his eyes and neatly lands him and Steve in the middle of anoval on the edge of the island. At this distance, the cats still look likestorm clouds. He eyes them off - they look like they're fairly low in thesky, which is good. Given over half the Avengers can't fly, if they don'tstay low there's going to be trouble.

"What's your ETA?" Steve asks, and Peter swings down from the near-est set of stadium lights.

"Hi," he says. "So, Tony, family reunion?"

Tony puts his paws on the edge of his pouch and straightens his upperbody, giving Peter the nastiest look he can manage.

"Be glad we're about to get into a fight," Tony says, the armour cross-ing its arms threateningly. "Or you would be so dead right now."

Peter looks from Tony to the armour, and swallows. "So!" he saysbrightly. "Cap, what's the plan?"

Jessica drops almost silently to the ground behind Peter as a car pullsup at the edge of the oval. A distant figure leaps out and starts joggingtowards them, resolving into Luke Cage as he gets closer. Steve takesa quick look around the terrain, and then another, longer look at theoncoming storm.

"Okay," he says. "Spider-Woman, Iron Man, you're in the air. Stay low;we don't want them getting out of our range. Spider-Man, web thearea between the lights here, try and net them in. Luke and I will en-gage them on the ground."


43/57

Peter nods, swinging up the nearest light pole, and the armour takesoff, Jessica not far behind.

Next to Steve, Luke cracks his neck and rotates his shoulders. "Firstgiant lobsters, now flying cats," he mutters. "This is crazy."

*At least he's not a kitten,* Tony says to Steve, and Steve runs a

gloved hand over his head.

As the cats approach, they resolve into individual shapes; they're cer-tainly not as big as yesterday's lobsters, but they're a lot larger thanaverage housecats - Tony thinks they would probably be about thigh-height. They've all got wings, too - big, white, feathered wings. Thecats themselves have varicoloured fur, mostly darker shades.

As they come over the island wall, the lowest ranks land smoothly andstart running over the grass towards them. Steve drops a little be-neath him into a fighting stance, shield on his arm ready to throw.

As the first cats reach the far side of the oval, Steve takes a deepbreath. "Stranger cats, you are trespassing on American soil!" hehollers at his best parade ground pitch. "Please stop!"

Tony eyes off the cats, who don't seem to have taken any notice of

Steve at all. *Somehow I don't think that's going to work,* he says.

Steve shrugs. "Worth a try," he says, and then throws his shield.

In the sky, the armour puts up its gauntlets and generates a shield,the forward line of cats crashing into it, later ranks diving sharply toavoid a collision. Next to him, Jessica is trying to herd cats downwardswith her venom blasts.

Steve's shield takes out the first rank of ground cats, Luke chargingforward into melee, soon hard to make out through the crowd.

"How many are there?" Jessica says, and the armour shrugs.

"Maybe all the pet stores are having catnip sales," Peter says. "Wait,why didn't I think of that earlier? I could have-"


44/57

"No," Steve says, hand falling to hover protectively over Tony's pouch,and even Tony is impressed by the warning in his tone of voice. "Thatwould be a spectacularly bad idea."

"Iron Man," Peter says a second later, chastened, "I'm going to swingoff you."

*Okay,* Tony says, and then he can feel the drag as webbing hits oneof the armour's shoulders, Peter's weight on the line. Peter flings him-self over the armour's head a moment later, tumbling over the churn-ing mass of cats, and drops a giant web over the top of as many ofthem as he can. Then gravity catches up with him, and he drops out ofsight.

The cats are yowling now, and Tony thinks he's never heard a such adiscordant noise in his life (and he's suffered though some pretty badorchestral performances and string quartets in his time). They startsorting themselves out, righting lines and getting their fallen back intothe air, and it isn't until he stops paying attention to the yowls that he

realises they're actually speaking to each other.

When he thinks about it, when he concentrates, the yowls are justnoise, empty of meaning. It's only when he stops really listening,

starts thinking about something else, anything, the motion of Steve'sbody as he sways sideways, throwing the shield again, that he canparse the sounds as words.

If he can understand them, then maybe they can understand him.

*Steve,* Tony says, direct to him, *I need to break all of your rules.*

"No," Steve says, catching the shield.

Tony, not-listening to the yowls of pain, can hear the cats reorganising,setting up a row of cats to slow the shield the next time it's thrown,and then they will swarm the human when his defenses are down, tearhim apart. Tony's not going to let that happen.


45/57

*Sorry,* he says, *I have to-* and leaps out of his pouch before Stevecan stop him, landing on the ground and taking the biggest breath hecan.

"STOP!" he hollers, and to his absolute surprise they do.

"Tony-" Steve says, and then pauses as everything stills. "What are

you doing?" he asks, softer.

*Stop fighting,* Tony says urgently over the Avengers channel. *Just,stop for a second-*

There is a rustle among the cats, whispers of sound that Tony can'tquite discern, mixed with the soft drag of shifting feathers, and then

the front line parts and a pure black cat walks out, stopping a fewyards from Tony. This cat is the same size as the others, but his wingsare jet black, currently folded neatly by his sides. He smells familiarand strange at the same time, scent almost stripped to nothing by thewind.

"Little kitten," the cat says, "I greet you as the leader of my people,the-" and then makes a noise that Tony can't translate. He bowsslightly, one leg forward, dipping his head and wings briefly towardsthe ground. "We are searching for our God, lost these many years.

Have you seen Him?"

"Greetings," Tony says, bowing to exactly the same angle as the othercat. "I am afraid that I have not heard of your people or your God, butperhaps if you told me about him I might be able to help you locatehim?"

The front rank of cats starts whispering, but a sharp look from theleader cat silences them.

"Very well," he says. "My name is-" and makes another sound thatTony's brain decides is 'Dave'. He sits primly on the grass, tucking histail around his legs.

"My name is Stark," Tony says in return, although he's not quite surehis name comes out right, and sits as well. He doesn't like the height


46/57

difference Dave has going for him, but given that he is a tiny kittenthere's not much he can do about it. "What can you tell me about yourGod?"

"What is he doing?" Peter whispers over the communicator.

*I'm talking to them, what do you think?* Tony says.

"You speak Cat now?" Peter asks, but he stops asking stupid ques-tions.

"Our God has no real name," Dave begins. "He was one of those cho-sen to pull the Lady's chariot, and so good was He at this task that sherewarded Him with immortality. The first of us were kittens He rescued

from a cruel master. We will always be indebted to Him for His kind-ness."

Tony nods. *They're looking for their cat god,* he says to the others.*They're apparently Norse cats.*

"They're a long way from home," Steve murmurs.

"Our God is often disguised," Dave continues. "He can be as large as ahorse or as small as a mouse, but He is always black."

"Does he have wings like yours?" Tony asks. Behind Dave, the frontrow of cats have started whispering again.

"No," Dave says. "The wings were a gift from the Lady to aid us in oursearch. When we return to our land we will return the gift, withthanks."

The whispers of the front row of cats start coalescing into a chant. It'svery soft, but Tony thinks they're chanting 'nameless one'. His transla-tion might be off.

Dave glances behind him to the other cats, then back at Tony, and hiseyes widen. The chant gets louder, and Tony realises that they're notchanting 'nameless one', or rather, they are chanting 'nameless one',


47/57

because apparently when 'Stark' gets translated into Cat, that's what itcomes out as. They're chanting his name.

Tony looks down at himself, at his tiny pure black paws, and then backup at Dave.

And then the entire mass of cats genuflects in a wave, Dave the last todrop, wings spread out and down.

"Lord," Dave says. "We have found You at last. You have made Yourhome here - lead us forward, and we will take this island of humansfor our own and live with You."

Tony rises to his feet, staring. He can't process properly. They think

he's their missing God. They think-

"What's happening?" Peter whispers to Jessica, and Tony shakes him-self out of his daze.

*They think I'm their God,* he says.

"They what?" Peter says, and Dave suddenly comes back to his feet

and hisses angrily.

"He disrespects You!" he yowls. "Give the order, Lord! Let us conquerin Your name!"

*Steve,* Tony says, direct to him. *Steve, I need you to come and liftme. I need to be higher.*

Steve takes a step forward, and the front row of cats hisses angrily.

"Lord-" Dave says, and Tony yowls.

"Be still!" he says, and then Steve kneels behind him, setting hishands in front of Tony so Tony can delicately step on, and then raisinghim above his head. It's going to be hell on Steve's arms, but if he cankeep it up, it's going to be perfect.


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*I need everyone else to kneel,* Tony says over the main channel.*Quick, do it.*

The armour drops to its knees immediately. The other Avengers ex-change glances, but Steve's there on the grass already, and they, too,drop.

Tony lifts his chin. "As you can see," he proclaims, "your conquest isnot needed. These humans are already my servants."

*You know,* he says to Steve, *it would be kind of awesome being acat God.*

"No," Steve murmurs, almost under his breath. "Because you'd have

to go away with them."

*But where else am I going to get that much p-* Tony says, and Stevesnorts lightly.

"If you finish that sentence," he murmurs, "I am letting them have

you."

"I apologise for my presumption, Lord," Dave says, and lowers himselfto the ground. "Please, command us."

Tony sighs inwardly. It would be kind of awesome to be a cat God, butit would all turn out badly when they found out he wasn't really a)acat, and b)a God, and besides, it's not like he'd have Steve.

"I cannot come with you," Tony says. "And you cannot stay. The Ladycannot lend you wings forever."

"But my Lord!" Dave protests, lifting his head. "If You do not comewith us, You will be stranded! You cannot - You have no wings as wedo."

"You doubt my power?" Tony thunders as best he can, and Dave dropshis head. "The Lady would not begrudge me aid in returning home,when it is time for me to leave here."


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Dave lifts to his feet. "I understand," he says. "Forgive me, Lord, formy insolence. I meant no disrespect." He bows, all the way down tothe ground, wings spread and flat, and behind him several hundredother cats do the same. Tony swallows, and stands as tall as he can.

"I will return," he says. "Do not worry, do not doubt. It may be many

years, but your Lord will return home."

"We will await You," Dave says, standing tall. "My Lord, we will preparethe way for You, and await Your coming. May it not be long before Yougrace our halls once more!"

Tony inclines his head, and Dave turns to the massed cats. "We returnhome!" he yowls. "Prepare the formation!"

The yowls of the squadron leaders blur into one another, orders toform up in ranks, course trajectories, and then Dave bows once more."Until we meet again!" he yowls towards Tony, and then the cats takeoff, rank after rank lifting into the air, Dave the last to go. The wholeflock circles the island once, and then they're flying, towards and pastRyker's and back to wherever they came from.

"What did you do?" Peter asks, everyone rising from their crouches.Steve lowers his arms and turns to face the others, and Tony sits

abruptly, needing the support Steve is giving him.

*I sent them home,* Tony says.

***

The flight back to the Tower is silent but for the rush of passing air.Steve hasn't put Tony back into the pouch, is cradling him in botharms, shield on his back, but Tony doesn't feel unsafe - quite the op-posite. He knows Steve won't drop him, and Steve is solid and warm,something to pull him out of his sudden disconnect. Facing those cats -seeing them so far from home, searching and lost and lonely-

Tony shakes himself mentally. He can't be their God for them, can'thelp them find what they're after, but he can keep an eye on them,stop them getting into too much trouble. It's only a moments work to


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issue the nearest satellite instructions, and now they're being tracked.He'll be able to find them in an instant if necessary, wherever they goin the world.

The armour lands them gently on the roof, Tony letting Steve go withthe back of his mind, armour heading to the garage to power down.Steve takes Tony inside, heading down the corridor and into theirroom. Tony shakes his head. He really must be spacing out. It's nottheir room, it's Steve's room, and the sooner he remembers that the

less it's going to hurt when he turns back to normal and Steve shutsthe door in his face. Not that Steve would ever shut a door in his face,really, more a metaphorical door, although Tony would bet that hecould probably make Steve mad enough to-

Steve puts him down on the counter in the bathroom, and starts run-ning the taps in the sink.

The counter is cold under his paws, and he turns to look at Steve,blinking. *Steve? What-*

Steve tests the water with his thumb, then hits the switch to close thedrain. "You're having a bath," he says.

*What? No,* Tony says automatically.

"Tony," Steve says, watching the water level in the basin rise slowly,"you might be a kitten right now but you have not had a shower indays."

*Cats hate water,* Tony says. *It's a documented-*

"Last time I checked, you were the one using up the hot water every

day," Steve says over him. He turns the taps off, looking at Tony. "Stopcomplaining and get in."

Tony steps gingerly down onto the edge of the basin, balancing some-what precariously on the narrow rim. He dips a paw into the water.Steve has the temperature just right, at least, so it's not like he's go-ing to freeze.


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Steve shifts his shoulders, then starts slipping his arms out of theshield straps. Tony pokes the other paw in this time, and Steve setsthe shield against the wall and comes back over to him.

"It's not going to hurt you, I promise," Steve says, running a handover Tony's back, and Tony mrows at him and slips in.

There's a moment where the water closes over his head and he sinks,sensation of water moving through his fur the only thing he can feel.Then his paws shift, almost of their own accord, and he splutters hisway back to the surface, paddling to keep afloat.

"Okay?" Steve asks, and Tony paddles carefully to the edge of thebasin nearest Steve, looking up.

*It's the world's tiniest swimming pool,* he says.

"Well, you're the world's tiniest kitten," Steve says. "Hold on, I'll getmy shampoo."

He pokes his head into the sho

momentary paws (or, do not want), velithya

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