module 2 summary learning objectives · module 2 summary this module will develop personal skills...

Module 2

Summary

This module will develop personal skills for communication and self care as well as methods for producing a group advocacy template.

Learning Objectives

Key points for this section:

Do I have improved communication skills?

Demonstrate the following skills: Am I better at problem solving and working to

consensus? Do I understand more about forming coalitions/networks? Do I have better self care/stress management skills?

Module 2.doc of 66

Learning Outcomes

At the end of this module, participants will be able to:

Identify the eight steps to effective problem solving.

Identify some of the strategies that can be used to improve communication.

Discuss some of the Personal Resiliency Builders and identify those qualities they would like to develop and improve upon to help them better manage their stress.

Module 2.doc of 66

AGENDA Module 2 Leadership Training for Individuals with Disabilities and Family Members

Day 1

COMMUNICATION Now that we have an idea of what we want people to hear, how do we tell them? What makes people believe something or act in a certain way? We believe someone we respect and trust and are more likely to do what they ask. We often do something because our gut feeling says it’s the right thing to do, or that others won’t like us if we don’t do it (we want to be liked and accepted!) And, if something is just plain sensible, we are also likely to believe it and act on it.

MARY ANGUS

REAL CHOICE – TIM KOLB: WHAT CHOICE MEANS TO ME VIDEO

HOTTIES Think of an issue locally, in Nebraska, and/or nationally. Describe it in a few words on post-it notes and then attach it on the flip chart sheet. While waiting for others to finish, review the Resiliency Quiz in the manual. Between now and the next training day, consider ways you can enhance your resiliency. We’ll pick up next time at this point.

MARY ANGUS

T CHART EVALUATION EXERCISE MARK SMITH

CONTINUE NEXT WEEK

Module 2.doc of 66

AGENDA Module 2 (continued) Leadership Training for Individuals with Disabilities and Family Members

Day 2

REGISTRATION AND COFFEE WARREN STORK

WELCOME AND INTRODUCTIONS We’re glad you’re back! Remember to take care of yourself and take breaks as you need them. “Rolling breaks.”

MARK SMITH & SHIRLEY DEAN

CONTINUE WITH “HOTTIES” EXERCISE FROM LAST WEEK:

We’ll look at what the group described and start solving some of those “hot” issues. Jot down possible ways to deal with them on sticky notes. Add those to the wall! Let’s plug that into the Problem Solving Model from the materials.

MARY & THE GROUP

You will now go to Module 3

Module 2.doc of 66

CommunicationHow do we say what we want to say?

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Slide 2 Some things interfere…

I don’t know what to say!I’m worried….HUGE Feelings!I can’t decide….Environmental factors.

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Slide 3 How can I be more effective?

Be clear and direct:

This is what’s happening now.This is what I want to happen.I want you to do this.And something good will happen for all of us.

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Module 2.doc of 66

Things to consider…persuading others, the media, politicians…

Voice and body language.Practice…out loud.Be direct.Use all the words, not just the letters.Bring it back to your point (or 2-3 points

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Slide 5 Problem Solving Model

Analyze Alternatives

Select the Best Alternatives

Define the Problem

Describe Desired Outcomes

Propose Alternatives

Evaluate

Plan Action Steps

Take Action

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Slide 6 Problems & Resolutions…See Appendix I

Win/WinCreative ResponsesEmpathy Appropriate AssertivenessManaging EmotionsNegotiatingBroadening Perspectives

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Module 2.doc of 66

What is Advocacy?

Relationship BuildingCommunicatingGiving Your Perspective/Point of ViewInfluencing Policy/Attitudes

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Slide 8 Ways to get involved

ForumTelephone CallE-mail/Fax your opinionWrite a letter Schedule a VisitCommittee Testimony

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Slide 9 Strategies for Effective Advocacy

Build a relationship: Be informed and truthful.Communicate: Tell them what you want them to do clearly, give your rationale, and be prepared to answer questions. Follow up and keep in touch. Offer assistance. You’re a resource!

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Module 2.doc of 66

Your Feelings

Don't "burn any bridges". It is easy to get emotional over issues you feel very strongly about. Just be sure that whatever happens, you leave on good terms with your legislators so you can go back to them. Your strongest opponent on one issue may be your strongest ally on another.

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Slide 11 Keep in touch with other advocates!

Share the load.Use their expertise.Share the benefits…mutual support.The Power of ONE can be seen in unity.Prevents burnout…remember self-care!

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Slide 12 Hot issues: “Hotties”

What’s something that’s an issue for you locally, in Nebraska….Describe it in a few words on the post-it notes on your table.When you’re ready, post them.While you wait for others to finish, review the Resiliency Quiz in your manual (Module 2 p. 22.)

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Module 2.doc of 66

Until you come back…

Take the quiz (no grading allowed.) Maybe just ask yourself the questions.See if there’s something you want to add to your life.Have some fun!

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Slide 14 Leadership Training for

Individuals with Disabilities and Family Members

Welcome Back!

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Slide 15 Problem Solving with our “Hotties”

Applying the model…linking philosophy & values to advocacy.Brainstorm.Look to the future!

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Module 2.doc of 66

Basic Issues Described

Insert a couple of the problems brought up earlier. Leave them on the screen.

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Slide 17 Problem Solving Model


Select the Best Alternatives

Define the Problem



Evaluate

Plan Action Steps

Take Action

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________

Module 2.doc of 66

Factors Reducing Communication Effectiveness

Lack of skill: You really don’t know what to say, how to act, what will work. Worry thoughts: Worries interfere. You have the ability, but lack confidence.

Worries about consequences: They’ll think I’m stupid… Worries about whether you deserve what you’re asking for. I must have done

something wrong…I don’t deserve to get this. Worries about not being effective: I’ll do something to blow it.

Emotions: Anger, frustration, etc. keep you from being effective. You have the ability, but your feelings prevent you from being able to act.

Indecision: You vacillate between extremes. Ask for nothing or way too much. Do everything asked of you or saying no to everything.

Environment: Characteristics of the environment make even very skilled communicators ineffective.

Others are too powerful. Others won’t like you if you get what you are asking about or will be threatened by

you. Others won’t give you what you are asking for without making you feel put down.

Guidelines for effectiveness in getting what you want: Describe the current situation (if necessary). Tell what you are reacting to, using

only the facts. Express your feelings/opinions about the situation. Use phrases like, “I want” or

“I don’t want” instead of “I need,” “you should” or “I can’t.” Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that

others can’t read your mind. Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time. Explain the consequences. Tell

them the positive effects of your getting what you want or, if absolutely necessary, the negative effects of your not getting it. (This should not be phrased as a threat, but as the natural consequence, such as, “If this bill isn’t passed, the state will lose federal funding for the project.”) Help them feel good about doing what you are asking. Reward them afterwards. A letter of thanks or some public acknowledgement of their part in the activity (e.g. sponsoring a bill) goes a long way toward making an ally.

Module 2.doc of 66

Communicating Your Ideas

What makes people believe something or act in a certain way? We believe someone we respect and trust and are more likely to do what they ask. We often do something because our gut feeling says it’s the right thing to do, or that others won’t like us if we don’t do it (we want to be liked and accepted!) And, if something is just plain sensible, we are also likely to believe it and act on it.

Your voice and body language can help you convince someone you are telling the truth. If you cross your legs or slouch you may seem dishonest. Stand straight and tall will make you more believable. Before you say anything, take a deep breath so that you won’t run out of air. Speak as clearly as possible and change the volume, sound, and speed of your voice frequently in order to keep things interesting. However, if you talk too quickly you’ll sound phony, and speaking too slowly will bore your audience and seem like you’re lecturing. When you are sure of what you’re saying and can back it up, people will be able to tell you’re the expert. They’ll also know that you’re committed to what you’re saying.

If you want them to do something, tell them. Say, “I want you to vote against this amendment.” or, talk to your school board and tell them you want them to meet with other parents of students in special education. Don’t use words like “might” and “maybe”. It’s more effective to say that the state will be better off, or the school will benefit than to say something might happen. When you back up something, make sure you are clear and exact. Consider how up to date the information is. Make sure you make your points strongly and that your source is reliable. Say you don’t know an answer if you don’t. Don’t try to fake it. It’s better to say you’re not sure and answer that later than to guess. Then, follow through! Get back to them with whatever you find out. Following through will make people more likely to trust you.

Persuading people to do something is scary. When you’re dealing with the media, it can be even more frightening. In any case, some tips may help you be more effective.

Whenever you’re talking with reporters from television, radio, or newspapers, be confident, clear, and to the point. They may or may not already know something about disabilities. But don’t take it for granted. When you plan ahead, you can have a list of two or three things you want to make sure they understand. Use whole names for ideas, laws, and organizations, never initials. Write down what you want to say and practice out loud to yourself, to a mirror, and have a friend listen. Saying things out loud is important. Don’t just say them in your head. Try to think of any questions they might ask you and come up with answers to them. Get your friend to ask you something off the topic and come up with an answer to their question that will emphasize one or more of the points you’re trying to make. You could say something like, “That really brings me back to my point.” Obviously, it’s helps if your answer makes some sense!

Reporters will want to know who, what, where, when and why. When you’re going to be interviewed for a story, ask how much time it’ll take so you can set aside enough time. They’ll be able to tell you want to make the interview a good one for both you of you. If they call you for a quick interview, ask them to let you call them back in a few

Module 2.doc of 66

minutes. Then go over your main points, take a deep breath, and call the reporter back. You’ll be glad you’ve done your prep work. Keep to your central theme. Reporters know what other information they need and will ask you for it. Try to relax. Here’s what you can do to prepare: Write down the ideas you want to get across.

Think of the question they might ask and come up with answers. Practice saying your ideas out loud…thinking them isn’t enough

Top 10 Tips 1. Never make reporter wait. 2. Never go "off the record." 3. Figure everything’s "on the record" right from the start. 4. Never argue with a reporter...repeat the point, blame yourself for misunderstandings,

and go back to your key message. 5. Provide a positive answer..."I wish that hadn't happened, but...." Another thing you

can say is, "Actually, when awful things like that happen,” and then go back to your message.

6. Never say, "No comment"... It’s better to say, “That it is a good question but I don’t

have the answer.” 7. Don't guess...refer them to somebody else or say that you don't have that info.

Reporters will check to verify the information. Give a range or tell them the source or give it to them later.

8. Use the name of your group. 9. Don't make a bad answer even worse...look at the person and say, "I don't think I'm

answering your question, let me start over" Use silence, don't fill it. ...3 point rule, if there is silence for 3 seconds, the interview is over. You can say something like, “I’m glad we got a chance to talk about this.”

10. Always get the last word... repeat your key point.

Module 2.doc of 66

I Knew I Needed Something Else…

Describe a situation from the past about getting, keeping or increasing services or supports that was difficult and did not work out for you.

How did you feel at the time?

What actions did you take, things did you say, during the time this was happening?

How do you feel NOW about the situation?

Would you do or say anything different if you could do it over?

Module 2.doc of 66

Problem-Solving Model

1. Who is involved? What information do we need? Define the Problem 2. Do we agree on the problem?


1. How will we know the problem is solved? 2. What conditions do we want to see? 3. What behaviors do we want to see? 4. What attitudes do we want to see? 5. Do we agree?

1. How many different ways could we reach our desired outcomes?

2. Have we exhausted all possible ways to succeed?


1. What resources do we need for each alternative? 2. What are the benefits of each alternative? 3. What barriers are there? 4. Can they be reduced?


1. How do we decide? Select the Best

Alternatives 2. Do we need to reevaluate? 3. Do we need more resources? 4. Do we agree on priorities?

Plan Action Steps 1. What will we do? 2. Who will do what? 3. When will we do it? 4. Do we need a backup plan?

Take Action 1. DO IT!!!

1. Have we gotten what we wanted?

Evaluate 2. What helped or got in the way? 3. Have we given everyone feedback? 4. Do we need to redefine the problem?

Module 2.doc of 66

PO Box 1016 Chatswood 2057 NSW Aust Ph +61 2 9419-8500

E-mail: [email protected]: www.crnhq.org

Fax +61 2 9413-1148 © This CRN material can be freely reproduced provided this copyright

notice appears on each page.

Win-Win Approach Opponents or Partners The Win/Win Approach is about changing the conflict from adversarial attack and defense, to cooperation. It is a powerful shift of attitude that alters the whole course of communication.

One person consistently applying a joint problem-solving approach can make the difference. You, the reader, will probably be that person - redirecting the course of the conflict. Therefore, the first person you have to convince is yourself.

Until we give it attention, we are usually unaware of the way we argue. We often find ourselves with a knee-jerk reaction in difficult situations - based on long established habits combined with the passing mood of the moment. When challenged, we experience separateness, disconnectedness from those around us - a feeling of "you or me" - a sense that there isn't enough for both of us and if one person is right, then the other person must be wrong. Often we haven't taken even a moment to consider what the best approach in the circumstance is.

While people battle over opposing solutions "Do it my way!", "No, that's no good! Do it my way!” the conflict is a power struggle. What is needed is to change the agenda in the conversation. The win/win approach says:

I want to win and

I want you to win, too. The challenge now is how to have this happen. Go Back to Needs

The most important win/win maneuver you can make is to change course by beginning to discuss underlying needs, rather than only looking at solutions. The following story makes the point quite well:

There are two people in a kitchen. There is only one orange left and both of them want it. What would you expect as the solution? Compromise is one option. They might cut it in half and each gets half. Let's assume that's what they do. One person now goes to the juicer and starts squeezing herself a rather too small orange. The other, with some

Module 2.doc of 66

http://www.crnhq.org/�

mailto:[email protected]






difficulty, begins to grate the rind of the orange to flavor a cake. Had they discussed needs rather than heading straight to solutions, they could

have both had the equivalent of a whole orange. Their needs were complementary, in fact, not conflicting. With the determination to use a win/win approach, two sets of needs can frequently dovetail together.

Addressing each person's underlying needs means you build solutions that acknowledge and value those needs, rather than denying them. Even where solutions cannot be as perfect as in the orange story, the person feels quite differently about the outcome.

To probe below the surface requires redirecting the energy. Ask questions like "Why does that seem to be the best solution to you?", "What's your real need here?", "What interests need to be served in this situation?", "What values are important to you here?", "What's the outcome or result you want?"

The answers to these questions significantly alter the agenda on the discussion table. It places there the right materials for co-operative problem-solving. It leads to opportunities for you to say what you need and for other people to say what they need too….

Creative Response Problems or Challenges The Creative response to conflict is about turning problems into possibilities. It is about consciously choosing to see what can be done, rather than staying with how terrible it all is. It is affirming that you will choose to extract the best form the situation. [Try “discovering” the possibilities!]

Empathy The Tasks of Active Listening Empathy is about rapport and openness between people. When it is absent, people are less likely to consider your needs and feelings. The best way to build empathy is to help the other person feel that they are understood. That means being an active listener. There are specific listening activities relevant to different situations - information, affirmation or inflammation….

Module 2.doc of 66








Appropriate Assertiveness When to use "I" Statements The essence of Appropriate Assertiveness is being able to state your case without arousing the defenses of the other person. The secret of success lies in saying how it is for you rather than what they should or shouldn't do. "The way I see it...” attached to your assertive statement, helps. A skilled "I" statement goes even further.

[I statements go like this: When you...

I feel... because ... (the focus is on my feelings).]

Cooperative Power Responding to Resistance from Others When faced with a statement that has potential to create conflict, ask open questions to reframe resistance. Explore the difficulties and then re-direct discussion to focus on positive possibilities[Part of the chart follows.]

Explore - Clarify Details

It's too expensive. Compared to what?

Too many/much/little/few. Compared to what?

I want the best. What would be best for you?

Find Options

You can't do that around here. What would happen if we did?

How can we find ways for it to happen? He (she) would never...

Module 2.doc of 66








Managing Emotions - Part 1 Handling Yourself

5 Questions… Don't indulge

Don't deny Create richer relationships

FIVE QUESTIONS [Ask yourself] Why am I feeling so angry/hurt/frightened?... What do I want to change?... What do I need in order to let go of this feeling?... Whose problem is this, really? How much is mine? How much is theirs?... What is the unspoken message I infer from the situation? (e.g. they don't like me, they don't respect me).

Negotiation Skills Five basic principles

• Be hard on the problem and soft on the person. • Focus on needs, not positions. • Emphasize common ground. • Be inventive about options. • Make clear agreements.

Where possible prepare in advance. Consider what your needs are and what the other person's are. Consider outcomes that would address more of what you both want. Commit yourself to a win/win approach, even if tactics used by the other person seem unfair. Be clear that your task will be to steer the negotiation in a positive direction. To do so you may need to do some of the following: Reframe Ask a question to reframe. (e.g. "If we succeed in resolving this problem, what differences would you notice?" Request a checking of understanding. ("Please tell me what you heard me/them say.") Request something she/he said to be re-stated more positively, or as an "I" statement. Re-interpret an attack on the person as an attack on the issue.

Module 2.doc of 66








Respond not React • Manage your emotions. • Let some accusations, attacks, threats or ultimatums pass. • Make it possible for the other party to back down without feeling humiliated

(e.g. by identifying changed circumstances which could justify a changed position on the issue).

Re-focus on the issue Maintain the relationship and try to resolve the issue. (e.g. "What's fair for both of us?" Summarize how far you've got. Review common ground and agreement so far. Focus on being partners solving the problem, not opponents. Divide the issue into parts. Address a less difficult aspect when stuck. Invite trading ("If you will, then I will") Explore best and worst alternatives to negotiating an acceptable agreement between you. Identify Unfair Tactics Name the behavior as a tactic. Address the motive for using the tactic. Chance the physical circumstances. Have a break. Change locations, seating arrangements etc. Go into smaller groups. Meet privately. Call for meeting to end now and resume later, perhaps "to give an opportunity for reflection".


Where possible prepare in advance. Consider what your needs are and what the other person's are. Consider outcomes that would address more of what you both want. Commit yourself to a win/win approach, even if tactics used by the other person seem unfair. Be clear that your task will be to steer the negotiation in a positive direction. To do so you may need to do some of the following:

Module 2.doc of 66




Just as we are unique and special, so are other people. We all have distinctive viewpoints that may be equally valid from where we stand. Each person's viewpoint makes a contribution to the whole and requires consideration and respect in order to form a complete solution. This wider view can open our eyes to many more possibilities. It may require us to change the mind chatter that says: "For me to be right, others must be wrong."

Reframe Ask a question to reframe. (e.g. "If we succeed in resolving this problem, what differences would you notice?" Request a checking of understanding. ("Please tell me what you heard me/them say.") Request something she/he said to be re-stated more positively, or as an "I" statement. Re-interpret an attack on the person as an attack on the issue.

Respond not React…

Broadening Perspectives

Respect and value differences





Module 2.doc of 66




Who are the so-called “handicapped” or “disabled”? According to stereotypical perceptions, they are: • People who suffer from the tragedy

of birth defects. • Paraplegic heroes who struggle to

become normal again. • Victims who fight to overcome their

challenges. Categorically, they are called retarded, autistic, blind, deaf, learning disabled, and etc., etc., etc.— ad nauseum!

WHO ARE THEY, REALLY? • Moms and Dads • Sons and Daughters • Employees and Employers • Friends and Neighbors • Students and Teachers • Leaders and Followers • Scientists, Doctors, Actors, • Presidents, and More • They are people. They are people,

first.

People with disabilities constitute our nation’s largest minority group. It is also the most inclusive and most diverse: both genders, any sexual orientation, and all ages, religions, socioeconomic levels, and ethnicities are represented. Yet people who have been diagnosed with disabilities are all different from one another. The only thing they have in common is being on the receiving end of societal misunderstanding, prejudice, and discrimination. Furthermore, this largest minority group is the only one which any person can become part of,

To ensure Inclusion, Freedom, and Respect for all, we must use People First Language

by Kathie Snow

at any time! Some join at birth—others in the split second of an accident, through illness, or during the aging process. If and when it happens to you, will you have more in common with others who have disability diagnoses or with family, friends, and co-workers? How will you want to be described? And how will you want to be treated?

The Power of Language and Labels Words are powerful. Old and

inaccurate descriptors, and the inappropriate use of these descriptors, perpetuate negative stereotypes and reinforce an incredibly powerful attitudinal barrier. And this invisible, but potent, attitudinal barrier is the greatest obstacle facing individuals with disabilities. When we describe people by their medical diagnoses, we devalue and disrespect them as individuals. Do you want to be known primarily by your psoriasis, gynecological history, the warts on your behind, or any other condition?

Worse, medical diagnoses are frequently used to define a person’s potential and value! In the process, we crush people’s hopes and dreams, and relegate them to the margins of society. If we know about (or see) a person’s diagnosis, we (mistakenly) think we know something important about him, and we give great weight to this information, using it to determine how/where a person will be educated, what type of job he will/won’t have, where/how he’ll live, and more. A person’s future may be determined—

Module 2.doc of 66

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning

and the lightning bug.

based on his diagnosis—by those with authority over him! Today, millions of children and adults with disability diagnoses are essentially “incarcerated” behind the walls of “special (segregated) places:” special ed classrooms, congregate living quarters, day programs, sheltered work environments, and more—all because of the diagnosis that’s been assigned. When incorrectly used as a measure of a person’s abilities or potential, medical diagnoses can ruin people’s lives.

Inaccurate Descriptors “Handicapped” is an archaic term

(it’s no longer used in any federal legislation) that evokes negative images of pity, fear, and more. The origin of the word is from an Old English bartering game, in which the loser was left with his “hand in his cap” and was thought to be at a disadvantage. A legendary origin of the “H-word” refers to a person with a disability begging with his “cap in his hand.” This antiquated, derogatory term perpetuates the stereotypical perception that people with disabilities make up one homogenous group of pitiful, needy people! Other people who share a certain characteristic are not all alike; similarly, individuals who happen to have disabilities are not alike. In fact, people who have disabilities are more like people who don’t have disabilities than different!

“Handicapped” is often used to describe parking spaces, hotel rooms, restrooms, etc. But these generally provide access for people with physical or mobility needs—and they may provide no benefit for people with visual, hearing, or other conditions. This is one example of the inaccuracy and misuse

of the H-word as a generic descriptor. (The accurate term for modified parking spaces, hotel rooms, etc. is “accessible.”)

“Disabled” is also not appropriate. Traffic reporters frequently say, “disabled vehicle.” They once said, “stalled car.” Sports reporters say, “the

disabled list.” They once said, “injured reserve.” Other uses of this word today mean “broken/non-functioning.” People with disabilities are not broken!

If a new toaster doesn’t work, we say it’s “defective” and return it. Shall we return babies with “birth defects”? The accurate and respectful descriptor is “congenital disability.”

Many parents say, “I have a child with special needs.” This term generates pity, as demonstrated by the, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” response, a sad look, or a sympathetic pat on the arm. (Gag!) A person’s needs aren’t “special” to him—they’re ordinary! I’ve never met an adult with a disability who wanted to be called “special.” Let’s learn from those with real experience, and stop inflicting this pity-laden descriptor on others.

“Suffers from,” “afflicted with,” “victim of,” and similar descriptors are inaccurate, inappropriate, and archaic. A person simply “has” a condition, period!

What is a Disability? Is there a universally-accepted

definition of disability? No! First and foremost, a disability label is a medical diagnosis, which becomes a sociopolitical passport to services or legal status. Beyond that, the definition is up for grabs! What constitutes a disability depends on which service system is accessed. The “disability

Module 2.doc of 66

criteria” for early intervention is different from early childhood, which is different from vocational-rehabilitation, which is different from special education, which is different from worker’s compensation, and so on. Thus, “disability” is a social construct, created to identify those who may be entitled to services or legal protections because of certain characteristics related to a medical diagnosis.

If thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt

thought. George Orwell

Disability is Not the “Problem” Because society tends to view

disability as a “problem,” this seems to be the #1 word used about people with disabilities. People without disabilities, however, don’t spend a lot of time talking about their problems. They know this would promote an inaccurate perception of themselves, and it would also be counterproductive to creating a positive image. A person who wears glasses, for example, doesn’t say, “I have a problem seeing.” She says, “I wear [or need] glasses.”

What is routinely called a “problem” actually reflects a need. Thus, Susan doesn’t “have a problem walking,” she “needs/uses a wheelchair.” Ryan doesn’t “have behavior problems,” he “needs behavior supports.” Do you want to be known by your “problems” or by the multitude of positive characteristics which make you the unique individual you are? When will people without disabilities begin speaking about people with disabilities in the respectful way they speak about themselves?

Then there’s the “something wrong” descriptor, as in, “We knew there was something wrong when...” What must it feel like when a child hears his parents repeat this over and over and over

again? How would you feel if those who are supposed to love and support you constantly talked about what’s “wrong” with you? Let’s stop talking this way!

The Real Problems are Attitudinal and Environmental Barriers!

A change in attitude can change everything. If educators believed children with disabilities are boys and girls with the potential to learn, who need the same quality of education as their brothers and sisters, and who have a future in the adult world of work, we wouldn’t have millions of children being

segregated and undereducated in special ed classrooms.

If employers believed adults with disabilities have (or could learn) valuable job skills, we

wouldn’t have an estimated (and shameful) 75 percent unemployment rate of people with disabilities. If merchants perceived people with disabilities as customers with money to spend, we wouldn’t have so many inaccessible stores, theaters, restrooms, and more. If the service system identified people with disabilities as “customers,” instead of “clients/consumers/recipients,” perhaps it would begin to meet a person’s real needs (like inclusion, friendships, etc). instead of trying to remediate his “problems.”

And if individuals with disabilities and family members saw themselves as first-class citizens who can and should be fully included in all areas of life, we might also focus on what’s really important: living a Real Life (like people without disabilities) instead of a Special Life under the authority of others in the system, which often results in the social isolation and physical segregation of the

Module 2.doc of 66

“disability welfare state.” A New Paradigm

“Disability is a natural part of the human condition...” U.S. Developmental Disabilities/Bill of Rights Act.

The greatest discovery of my generation is that

human beings can alter their lives by altering

their attitudes of mind. William James

Yes, disability is natural, and it can be redefined as a “body part that works differently.” A person with spina bifida has legs that work differently, a person with Down syndrome learns differently, and so forth. Yet the body parts of people without disabilities are also different. It’s the way these differences affect a person (or how a person is perceived) which qualifies him as eligible for services, entitlements, or legal protections, and this mandates the use of a disability descriptor in the service or legal system. One in five Americans is a person with a condition we call a disability!

A disability, like gender, ethnicity, and other traits, is simply one of many natural characteristics of being human. People can no more be defined by their medical conditions than others can be defined by their gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or anything else!

In addition, a disability is often a consequence of the environment. Why are many children not diagnosed until they enter public school? Is it because physicians are ignorant or parents are “in denial”? Or is it because as toddlers, they were in environments that supported their learning styles? But once in public school, if a child’s learning style doesn’t mesh with an educator’s teaching style, he’s said to have a “disability.” Why do we blame the child, label him, and segregate him in a special ed classroom? Why don’t we

modify the regular curriculum (per special ed law) to meet his individual needs?

When a person is in a welcoming, accessible environment, with the appropriate supports, accommodations, and tools, does he still have a disability? No! Disability is not a constant state. The medical diagnosis may be constant, but whether the condition represents a “disability” is more a consequence of the environment than what a person’s body or mind can or cannot do.

Using People First Language is Crucial! People First Language

puts the person before the disability, and describes what a person has, not who a person is.

Are you “myopic” or do you wear glasses?

Are you “cancerous” or do you have cancer?

Is a person “handicapped/disabled” or does she have a disability?

If people with disabilities are to be included in all aspects of society, and if they’re to be respected and valued as our fellow citizens, we must stop using language that sets them apart and devalues them.

Children with disabilities are children, first. The only labels they need are their names! Parents must not talk about their children using the medical terms used by professionals. Educators must not use terms like “sped kids,” “LD students,” and other demeaning descriptors. Children in school are students and some receive special ed services.

Adults with disabilities are adults, first. The only labels they need are their

Module 2.doc of 66

names! They must not talk about themselves using professional lingo. Service providers must not use terms like “MR client,” “quads,” and other diagnostic terms.

The use of disability descriptors is appropriate only in the service system (at those ubiquitous “I” team meetings) and in medical or legal settings. Medical labels have no place—and they should be irrelevant—within families, among friends, and in the community.

We often use a diagnosis to convey information, as when a parent says, “My child has Down syndrome,” hoping others will realize her child needs certain accommodations or supports. But the outcome of sharing the diagnosis can be less than desirable! A diagnosis can scare people, generate pity, and/or set up exclusion (“We can’t handle people like that...”). In these circumstances, and when it’s appropriate, we can simply describe the person’s needs in a respectful, dignified manner, and omit the diagnosis.

Besides, the diagnosis is nobody’s business! Have individuals with disabilities given us permission to share their personal information with others? If not, how dare we violate their trust! Do you routinely tell every Tom, Dick, and Harry about the boil on your spouse’s behind? (I hope not!) And too many of us talk about people with disabilities in front of them, as if they’re not there. We must stop this demeaning practice!

Attitudes and language changed as a result of the Civil Rights and Women’s Movements. The Disability Rights Movement is following in those important footsteps, and similar changes are occurring.

My son, Benjamin, is 18 years old. More important than his diagnosis are his interests, strengths, and dreams. He

loves history, burned fish sticks, classic rock, and writing movie reviews—and he’s great at mimicking actors and politicians! He’s earned two karate belts, taken drama classes, and performed in five children’s theater productions. Benj is attending college and wants to be a film critic. He has blonde hair, blue eyes, and cerebral palsy. His diagnosis is only one of many characteristics of his whole persona. He is not his disability. His potential cannot be predicted by his diagnosis.

When I meet new people, I don’t disclose that I’ll never be a prima ballerina. I focus on my strengths, not on what I cannot do. Don’t you do the same? So when speaking about my son, I don’t say, “Benj can’t write with a pencil.” I say, “Benj writes on a computer.” I don’t say, “He can’t walk.” I say, “He uses a power chair.” It’s a simple, but vitally important, matter of perspective. If I want others to know what a great young man he is—more importantly, if I want him to know what a great young man I think he is—I must use positive and accurate descriptors that portray him as a whole, real, wonderful person, instead of as a collection of “defects,” “problems,” or “body parts.”

A person’s self-image is strongly tied to the words used to describe him. For generations, people with disabilities have been described by negative, stereotypical words which have created harmful, mythical perceptions. We must stop believing (and perpetuating) the myths—the lies—of labels. We must believe children and adults who have been diagnosed with conditions called “disabilities” are unique individuals with unlimited potential, just like all Americans.

Module 2.doc of 66

People First Language isn’t about being “politically correct.”

It is, instead, about good manners and respect (and it was begun by individuals who said, “We are not our disabilities!”). We have the power to create a new paradigm of disability. In doing so, we’ll change the lives of

children and adults who have disability diagnoses—and we’ll also change ourselves and our world. Isn’t it time to make this change? If

not now, when? If not you, who? People First Language is right.

Just do it—NOW!

Module 2.doc of 66

Module 2.doc of 66

EXAMPLES OF PEOPLE FIRST LANGUAGE

Say: Instead of:

People with disabilities. The handicapped or disabled.

He has a cognitive disability (diagnosis). He’s mentally retarded

She has autism (or a diagnosis of She’s autistic.

He has Down syndrome (or a diagnosis of...). He’s Down’s; a Down’s person.

She has a learning disability (diagnosis) She’s learning disabled.

He has a physical disability (diagnosis) He’s a quadriplegic/is crippled.

She’s of short stature/she’s a little person. She’s a dwarf/midget.

He has a mental health diagnosis. He’s emotionally disturbed/mentally ill.

She uses a wheelchair/mobility chair. She’s confined to/is wheelchair bound.

He receives special ed services. He’s in special ed.

She has a developmental delay. She’s developmentally delayed.

Children without disabilities. Normal or healthy kids.

Communicates with her eyes/device/etc. Is non-verbal.

Customer. Client, consumer, recipient, etc.

Congenital disability. Birth defect.

Brain injury. Brain damaged.

Accessible parking, hotel room, etc. Handicapped parking, hotel room, etc.

She needs . . . or she uses. She has a problem with. . . /

She has special needs. Keep thinking—there are many other descriptors we need to change!

You may copy & share this document as a handout; please tell me how/when you use it ([email protected]). Do not violate copyright law: request permission before

reprinting in any publication newsletter, web site, list serve, etc. ©2005 Kathie Snow

Visit www.disabilityisnatural.com for other new ways of thinking!



Module 2.doc of 66

The Resiliency Quiz by Nan Henderson, M.S.W.

Reprinted from http://www.resiliency.com ©2002 (Copies can be made for educational purposes only).

PART ONE: Do you have the conditions in your life that research shows help people to be resilient? People bounce back from tragedy, trauma, risks, and stress by having the following conditions in their lives. The more times you answer yes (below), the greater the chances you can bounce back from your life's problems "with more power and more smarts." And doing that is one of the surest ways to increase your self-esteem. Answer yes or no to the following. Then celebrate your "yes" answers and decide how you can change your "no” answers to "yes.” 1. Caring and Support ____ I have several people in my life

who give me unconditional love, nonjudgmental listening, and who I know are "there for me."

____ I am involved in a school, work, faith, or other group where I feel cared for and valued.

____ I treat myself with kindness and compassion, and take time to nurture myself (including eating right and getting enough sleep and exercise).

2. High Expectations for Success ____ I have several people in my life who let me know they believe in my ability

to succeed. ____ I get the message "You can succeed," at my work or school. ____ I believe in myself most of the time, and generally give myself positive

messages about my ability to accomplish my goals-even when I encounter difficulties.

Module 2.doc of 66

3. Opportunities for Meaningful Participation ____ My voice (opinion) and choice (what I want) is heard and valued in my

close personal relationships. ____ My opinions and ideas are listened to and respected at my work or school. ____ I provide service through volunteering to help others or a cause in my

community, faith organization, or school. 4. Positive Bonds ____ I am involved in one or more positive after-work or after-school hobbies or

activities ____ I participate in one or more groups (such as a club, faith community, or

sports team) outside of work or school. ____ I feel "close to" most people at my work or school. 5. Clear and Consistent Boundaries ____ Most of my relationships with friends and family members have clear,

healthy boundaries (which include mutual respect, personal autonomy, and each person in the relationship both giving and receiving).

____ I experience clear, consistent expectations and rules at my work or in my school

____ I set and maintain healthy boundaries for myself by standing up for myself, not letting others take advantage of me, and saying "no" when I need to.

6. Life Skills ____ I have (and use) good listening, honest communication, and healthy

conflict resolution skills. ____ I have the training and skills I need to do my job well, or all the skills I

need to do well in school. ____ I know how to set a goal and take the steps to achieve it. PART TWO:

People also successfully overcome life difficulties by drawing upon internal qualities that research has shown are particularly helpful when encountering a crisis, major stressor, or trauma.

The following list can be thought of as a "personal resiliency builder" menu. No one has everything on this list. When "the going gets tough" you probably have three or four of these qualities that you use most naturally and most often.

It is helpful to know which are your primary resiliency builders; how have you used them in the past; and how can you use them to overcome the present challenges in your life.

You can also decide to add one or two of these to your "resiliency-builder" menu, if you think they would be useful for you.

Module 2.doc of 66

Personal Resiliency Builders Individual Qualities that Facilitate Resiliency

Put a + by the top three or four resiliency builders you use most often. Ask yourself how you have used these in the past or currently use them. Think of how you can best apply these resiliency builders to current life problems, crisis, or stressors. (Optional) You can then put a check by one or two resiliency builders you think

you should add to your personal repertoire. [ ] Relationships - Sociability/ability to be a friend/ability to form positive

relationships. [ ] Humor - Has a good sense of humor. [ ] Inner Direction - Bases choices/decisions on internal evaluation (internal

locus of control). [ ] Perceptiveness - Insightful understanding of people and situations. [ ] Independence - "Adaptive" distancing from unhealthy people and

situations/autonomy. [ ] Positive View of Personal Future - Optimism, expects a positive future. [ ] Flexibility - Can adjust to change; can bend as necessary to positively

cope with situations. [ ] Love of Learning - Capacity for and connection to learning. [ ] Self-motivation - Internal initiative and positive motivation from within. [ ] Competence - Is "good at something"/personal competence. [ ] Self-Worth - Feelings of self-worth and self-confidence. [ ] Spirituality - Personal faith in something greater. [ ] Perseverance - Keeps on despite difficulty; doesn't give up. [ ] Creativity - Expresses self through artistic endeavor. You Can Best Help Yourself or Someone Else Be More Resilient by... 1. Communicating the Resiliency Attitude: "What is right with you is more

powerful than anything that is wrong with you." 2. Focusing on the person's strengths more than problems and weaknesses,

and asking "How can these strengths be used to overcome problems?" One way to do this is to help yourself or another identify and best utilize top personal resiliency builders listed in The Resiliency Quiz Part Two.

3. Providing for yourself, or another, the conditions listed in The Resiliency Quiz Part One.

4. Having patience...successfully bouncing back from a significant trauma or crisis takes time.

Module 2.doc of 66

Nan Henderson, M.S.W., is an international trainer on how to help yourself, your children, or others you care about become more resilient. She speaks to educators, parent and community groups, and to youth on a variety of topics connected to resiliency. She is also the President of Resiliency In Action, Inc., and the author/editor of five books on the topic of fostering resiliency. She can be contacted at [email protected]

All Phone inquiries call: 800-440-5171 (Outside U.S., call 858-456-2592)

Fax number 858-456-3962. www.resiliency.com

© 2004 Resiliency In Action, Inc. / All Rights Reserved

Module 2.doc of 66

Notes

____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________

Module 2.doc of 66

Support Materials

Module 2.doc of 66

12 Skills Summary

Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict Resolution resources and training are based on 12 skills which may be relevant to solving any conflict. Pick and choose the skill - or skills - appropriate to your particular issue or crisis. Once you achieved some expertise with Conflict Resolution, you will have gained the following learning outcomes: 1. The win/win approach Identify attitude shifts to respect all parties' needs. 2. Creative response Transform problems into creative opportunities. 3. Empathy Develop communication tools to build rapport. Use listening to clarify understanding. 4. Appropriate assertiveness Apply strategies to attack the problem not the person. 5. Co-operative power Eliminate "power over" to build "power with" others. 6. Managing emotions Express fear, anger, hurt and frustration wisely to effect change. 7. Willingness to Resolve Name personal issues that cloud the picture. 8. Mapping the conflict Define the issues needed to chart common needs and concerns.








Module 2.doc of 66

9. Development of options Design creative solutions together. 10. Introduction to negotiation Plan and apply effective strategies to reach agreement. 11. Introduction to mediation Help conflicting parties to move towards solutions. 12. Broadening perspectives Evaluate the problem in its broader context.

1. Win-Win Approach Opponents or Partners The Win/Win Approach is about changing the conflict from adversarial attack and defense, to co-operation. It is a powerful shift of attitude that alters the whole course of communication. One person consistently applying a joint problem-solving approach can make the difference. You, the reader, will probably be that person - redirecting the course of the conflict. Therefore, the first person you have to convince is yourself. Until we give it attention, we are usually unaware of the way we argue. We often find ourselves with a knee-jerk reaction in difficult situations - based on long established habits combined with the passing mood of the moment. When challenged, we experience separateness, disconnectedness from those around us - a feeling of "you or me" - a sense that there isn't enough for both of us and if one person is right, then the other person must be wrong. Often we haven't taken even a moment to consider what the best approach in the circumstance is. While people battle over opposing solutions "Do it my way!", "No, that's no good! Do it my way!” the conflict is a power struggle. What is needed is to change the agenda in the conversation. The win/win approach says:

I want to win and

I want you to win too. The challenge now is how to have this happen.








Module 2.doc of 66

Go Back to Needs The most important win/win maneuver you can make is to change course by beginning to discuss underlying needs, rather than only looking at solutions. The following story makes the point quite well:

There are two people in a kitchen. There is only one orange left and both of them want it. What would you expect as the solution? Compromise is one option. They might cut it in half and each gets half. Let's assume that's what they do. One person now goes to the juicer and starts squeezing herself a rather too small orange. The other, with some difficulty, begins to grate the rind of the orange to flavor a cake.

Had they discussed needs rather than heading straight to solutions, they could have both had the equivalent of a whole orange. Their needs were complementary, in fact, not conflicting. With the determination to use a win/win approach, two sets of needs can frequently dovetail together. Addressing each person's underlying needs means you build solutions that acknowledge and value those needs, rather than denying them. Even where solutions cannot be as perfect as in the orange story, the person feels quite differently about the outcome. To probe below the surface requires redirecting the energy. Ask questions like "Why does that seem to be the best solution to you?", "What's your real need here?", "What interests need to be served in this situation?", "What values are important to you here?", "What's the outcome or result you want?" The answers to these questions significantly alter the agenda on the discussion table. It places there the right materials for co-operative problem-solving. It leads to opportunities for you to say what you need and for other people to say what they need too.








Module 2.doc of 66

Win/Win I want what's fair for all of us.

A win/win approach rests on strategies involving: • going back to underlying needs • recognition of individual differences • openness to adapting one s position in the light of shared information and

attitudes • attacking the problem, not the people.

The Win/Win Approach is certainly ethical, but the reason for its great success is that IT WORKS. Where both people win, both are tied to the solution. They feel committed to the plan because it actually suits them. Even when trust between the parties is very limited, the Win/Win Approach can be effective. If there's some doubt about the other person keeping their end of the bargain you can make the agreement reciprocal. "I'll do X for you, if you do Y for me." X supports their needs, Y supports yours. "I'll drive you to the party, if you clean the car." "I'll help you draw up those figures for your reports, if you sort out these invoice queries." It's a successful strategy. Usually, co-operation can result in both people getting more of what they want. The Win/Win Approach is Conflict Resolution for mutual gain.








Module 2.doc of 66

2. Creative Response Problems or Challenges The Creative response to conflict is about turning problems into possibilities. It is about consciously choosing to see what can be done, rather than staying with how terrible it all is. It is affirming that you will choose to extract the best form the situation. Our attitudes color our thoughts. Usually we are quite unaware of how they shape the way we see the world. Two dramatically contrasting attitudes in life are "Perfection" versus "Discovery". Let's call them attitude "hats". What "hat" do you get dressed in each day? Do you see difficulties as problems or as challenges? The Perfection hat says: "Is this good enough or not?" (Usually not!) "Does this meet my impeccably high standards?" The Discovery hat says: "How fascinating! What are the possibilities here?" What is our mind chattering about under our Perfection hat?

Low self-esteem! The search for perfection sets up:

Right or wrong? Do I measure up? Life is struggle. Mistakes are unacceptable. Judgment. Unbendable beliefs about what's proper.

Failure!! Do you measure up? Life is hard work. I have to be right. Blame. Don't take any chances!








Module 2.doc of 66

"Winners - & - Losers" Such yardsticks can be used to make decisions about traffic jams, your partner, the kids, the Photostat machine, the boss and - above all - you. Is there a Discovery hat still sitting on the shelf in your wardrobe of possibilities? You may hardly have worn it since you were a young child. When you learnt to walk you didn't go "right foot", "wrong foot". It was just right foot, left foot, and each fall was as interesting as the next step. To the young child, everything is part of the great experiment. You can get out that hat again and dust it off. What's tucked away underneath your Discovery hat?

Exploration Enthusiasm Let's take a risk What are the possibilities? Everything's a success

Acceptance Play Inquiry Experiment How else can we look at this?

High self-esteem! The process of Discovery invites:

"Winners - & - Learners" If there are no failures, only learning, self-esteem gets a big boost upwards. You can put on your Discovery hat and problems look like intriguing crossword puzzles. "What will make the difference so he stops complaining to me all the time?", "What else can I try to get the kids to help with washing up?", "What are we freed up to do now that $7 million order has just been cancelled?", "How fascinating, the Photostat machine has broken down again!"

Another Challenge? How Fascinating! Are you judgmental and critical of your mistakes? Children who are continually protected from making mistakes can grow up dependent and overly cautious. Bosses who are overly critical of errors often get "yes" people to serve in their organizations.








Module 2.doc of 66

This doesn't mean you don't point out errors, or go through a correcting process. It means the error is regarded as a splendid opportunity for learning. When an organization encourages the willingness to risk in its employees, it gets an alive and motivated staff. We are at our most energized as we stand ready to act on the edge of our personal unknowns. A not-so-famous but should be maxim: "If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing badly!" is an invitation to experiment and risk. Robert Kyosaki in his "Money and You" workshops often relates the very telling story of the IBM company in the States. One middle executive there made a tactical error that cost the company $9 million. The following week the executive, sure he was about to be fired, was called into the office of the Chairman. The Chairman started discussing plans for a huge new project that he wanted the executive to direct. After a certain point, the executive was feeling so uncomfortable he had to stop the Chairman: "Excuse me, sir, you know I'm amazed. Last week I cost us $9 million. Why are you putting me in charge of this new project? I thought you were going to fire me." The Chairman smiled. "Fire you? Young man, I've just invested $9 million educating you. You're now one of my most valuable assets." Here was a chairman who valued the willingness to risk and learn. He knew it was an essential ingredient in the successful executive. Life is not about winning and losing - it's about learning. When you fall down, you pick yourself up and note where the pot-hole was so you can walk around it the next time. A person who has gone "too far" knows just how far they can go. No "winners - and - losers", just "winners - and - learners". That's the essence of

Ah, Conflict! What an Opportunity!

3. Empathy The Tasks of Active Listening Empathy is about rapport and openness between people. When it is absent, people are less likely to consider your needs and feelings. The best way to build empathy is to help the other person feel that they are understood. That means being an active listener. There are specific listening activities relevant to different situations - information, affirmation or inflammation.








Module 2.doc of 66

1. INFORMATION - getting a clear picture AIM OF SPEAKER: to get across what is wanted so there is no confusion. TASK OF LISTENER: to get the details, to check out and confirm what they are saying and what they are forgetting to say. Here you are trying to find out about needs, instructions, background information. ASK QUESTIONS - Find out about needs, instructions, context, timing, costs etc. CHECK BACK - to be sure you have heard and understood the relevant details. SUMMARISE - to make sure you both agree on the facts. To get a "Yes, that's what I want" so you are both clear.

Don't jump straight into solutions. Collect information.

Find out how it is on the other side first. • Enquire about their needs in the situation. • Enquire about their concerns, anxieties or difficulties. • Find out their view of the needs and concerns of other relevant people

affecting the situation. • Ask general questions that encourage them to open up e.g. How do you

see it all? • Ask specific questions that will give you significant pieces of information

e.g. How much does it cost? • Explore hidden premises on which they build their thinking.

If they say "I can't" you might ask "What happens if you do?" If they say "They always..." you might ask "Are there any circumstances in which they don't?" If they say "It's too many, or too much" or "It's too little or too few" you might ask "compared with what?" 2. AFFIRMATION - affirming, acknowledging, exploring the problem. AIM OF SPEAKER: to talk about the problem.








Module 2.doc of 66

TASK OF LISTENER: to acknowledge their feelings, to help them hear what they are saying. Here you are recognizing that the other person would be helped by you taking time to hear their problem. LISTEN - attentively to the other person who will benefit from having their problem acknowledged by you. REFLECT BACK - to the other person their feelings, and perhaps the content of the problem with a single statement of acknowledgement periodically. EXPLORE - to unfold the difficulty in more depth. If time permits, assist the speaker in finding greater clarity and understanding for themselves. To get a "Yes, that's what I feel" so they explore what they are saying and they know they've been understood.

Use Active Listening when offering advice won't help.

Active Listening builds the relationship. • Don't ignore or deny their feelings. • Read the non-verbal as well as the verbal communication to assess

feelings. • Check back with them about their feelings as well as the content even

though they may only be telling you about the content. • If you're not sure how they feel, ask them e.g. "How do you feel about

that?", "How did that affect you?" • Reflect back to them what you hear them to be saying so they can hear

themselves. • Reflect back to them what you hear them to be saying so they know you

understand. • If you get it wrong, ask an open question and try again e.g. "How do you

see the situation?" o When time permits: direct the conversation back to the point if the

person drifts to a less significant topic because they feel you don't understand.








Module 2.doc of 66

o Allow silences in the conversation. o Remember that your active listening is a method of helping the other

person focus below the words to the unresolved issues. o Notice sighs and body shifts. They usually indicate insight or

acceptance. Pause before asking something like "How does it all seem to you now?"

3. INFLAMMATION - responding to a complaint or attack on you AIM OF SPEAKER: to tell you that you are the problem. TASK OF LISTENER: to let them know you've taken in what they are saying and to defuse the strong emotion. Here you are choosing the most useful response when someone is telling you they are unhappy with you, criticizing you, complaining about you, or just simply yelling. DON'T DEFEND yourself at this point. It will inflame them further. DEAL FIRST WITH THEIR EMOTIONS - People shout because they don't think they are being heard. Make sure they know they are - that you are hearing how angry or upset they are. Label accurately the emotions/feelings as you perceive them. ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR SIDE - This does not mean you agree with them, only that you are registering their viewpoint e.g. "I can see, if you think that was my attitude, why you are so angry", "I can see why the problem makes you so upset". Draw them out further. Explore gently with them if there is more behind the emotion. Once the heat is out of the conversation, you might say how it is for you without denying how it is for them. Ask what could be done now to make it OK again. If they heat up again, go back to Active Listening. Move towards options for change or solution. Ask what they really want, or what they want now. To get a "Yes, that's what I said" so that they know you have taken in what they said.








Module 2.doc of 66

For them to change first I must change.

• One of the first things I might need to change is my approach. • Don't rise to the bait, and retaliate. • Don't start justifying. • Don't act defensive. • Go into Active Listening mode and stay there till they've calmed down. • Use phrases like "It's making you really mad", "I can see how upset you

are," "You feel like you've reached your limit", "Have I got it right?", "So when I do... you get really frustrated with me." Keep on reflecting back as accurately as you can until they come down from the high emotion. If you are doing it right, they will explain everything in some detail, but as the interchange continues the heat should be going out of the conversation.

4. Appropriate Assertiveness When to use "I" Statements The essence of Appropriate Assertiveness is being able to state your case without arousing the defenses of the other person. The secret of success lies in saying how it is for you rather than what they should or shouldn't do. "The way I see it...” attached to your assertive statement, helps. A skilled "I" statement goes even further. When you want to state your point of view helpfully, the "I" statement formula can be useful. An "I" statement says how it is on my side, how I see it. You could waste inordinate quantities of brain power debating how the other person will or won't respond. Don't! You do need to be sure that you haven't used inflaming language, which would be highly likely to cause a negative response i.e. it should be "clean." Because you don't know beforehand whether the other person will do what you want or not, the cleanest "I" statements are delivered not to force them to fix things, but to state what you need. Use an "I" statement when you need to let the other person know you are feeling strongly about the issue. Others often underestimate how hurt or angry or put out you are, so it's useful to say exactly what's going on for you - making the situation appear neither better nor worse i.e. your "I" statement should be "clear."








Module 2.doc of 66

What Your "I" Statement Isn't Your "I" statement is not about being polite. It's not to do with "soft" or "nice", nor should it be rude. It's about being clear. It's a conversation opener, not the resolution. It's the opener to improving rather than deteriorating relationships. If you expect it to be the answer and to fix what's not working straight away - you may have an unrealistic expectation. If you expect the other person to respond as you want them to immediately, you may have an unrealistic expectation. What you can realistically expect is that an appropriate "I" statement made with good intent

• is highly unlikely to do any harm. • is a step in the right direction. • is sure to change the current situation in some way. • can/will open up to possibilities you may not yet see.

Sometimes the situation may not look any different yet after a clean, clear "I" statement it often feels different, and that on its own can change things. Here's an example: Nan was upset when she heard her adult son, Tommy, had visited town and not bothered to call or see her. They seemed to be growing further apart, and she had been brooding over this. She did not want to appear to nag him, or say anything to make things worse. She did want to see him when he came to town. When next they spoke, instead of putting on her "pretending not to be hurt" voice, she prepared herself for the conversation with a well rehearsed "I" statement. She got it "clear" and "clean". She was very sure she wanted a conversation that would be different from all those times she hinted at the problem without really saying it.

"When I miss out on seeing you I feel hurt and what I'd like is to have contact with you when you are in town."

She said it. Tommy immediately reacted with "You're always going at me with the same old thing."








Module 2.doc of 66

But Nan had a clear intention. "No", she said. "This time I said something different. I was simply telling you how I feel." For the first time on this issue, he really heard her. There was a moment's silence. Then instead of getting defensive (his usual pattern) he said "Well, actually I've tried to phone a few times. You weren't home." She acknowledged that was so. She felt much better and they then went on to have the best conversation in ages. The next time someone shouts at you and you don't like it, resist the temptation to withdraw rapidly (maybe slamming the door on the way out). Resist the temptation to shout back to stop the onslaught, and deal with your own rising anger. This is the time for APPROPRIATE ASSERTIVENESS. Take a deep breath. Stay centered, feet firmly planted on the ground, and get your mind into "I" statement gear. Start mixing a three ingredient recipe:

• When... I hear a voice raised at me. • I feel... humiliated. • And what I'd like is that I... can debate an issue with you without ending up

feeling hurt. The best "I" statement is free of expectations. It is delivering a clean, clear statement of how it is from your side and how you would like it to be.

5. Cooperative Power Responding to Resistance from Others When faced with a statement that has potential to create conflict, ask open questions to reframe resistance. Explore the difficulties and then re-direct discussion to focus on positive possibilities.








Module 2.doc of 66

EXPLORE - Clarify Details

It's too expensive. Compared to what?

Too many/much/little/few. Compared to what?

I want the best. What would be best for you?

Find Options

You can't do that around here. What would happen if we did?

He (she) would never... How can we find ways for it to happen?

They always... Are there any times they don't?

We've tried that already. What was the outcome?

This is the only way to do it Yes, that's an option. What else could we consider?

REDIRECT - Move to the Positive

It will never work What would it take to make it work?

I won't... What would make you willing?

It's a failure. How could it work?

It's disastrous. What would make it better?

He's (she's) useless. What is he (she) doing that is acceptable?

It's impossible. What would it take to make it possible?

I can't. You can't see a way to do it at the moment?

I don't want to. What would you like?








Module 2.doc of 66

Go Back to Legitimate Needs and Concerns He's (she's) a hopeless case! It's hard to see how to work with him

(her)? You fool (and other insults)! What do we need to do to sort this

out? How dare you do such a thing! What do you dislike about it

It should be done my way. What makes that seem the best option?

His/her place is a pig's sty! He/she puts a different emphasis on tidiness to you?

He/she doesn't do their fair share. Where do you think his/her priorities may lie?

6. MANAGING EMOTIONS - part 1

Handling Yourself 5 Questions + 5 Goals

Don't indulge Don't deny

Create richer relationships

FIVE QUESTIONS when angry/hurt/frightened Why am I feeling so angry/hurt/frightened?

What do I want to change?

What do I need in order to let go of this feeling?

Whose problem is this, really? How much is mine? How much is theirs?

What is the unspoken message I infer from the situation? (e.g. they don't like me, they don't respect me.)








FIVE GOALS in communicating emotions Aim to avoid the desire to punish or blame. Action?

Aim to improve the situation.

Action?

Aim to communicate your feelings appropriately.

Action?

Aim to improve the relationship and increase communication.

Action?

Aim to avoid repeating the same situation.

Action?

If communication is not appropriate, what other action can I take?

6. MANAGING EMOTIONS - part 2 Handling Others People's behavior occurs for a purpose. They are looking for ways to belong, feel significant, and self-protect. When people perceive a threat for their self-esteem, a downward spiral can begin. People can be led into obstructive behaviors in the faulty belief that this will gain them a place of belonging and significance. How we respond to their difficult behaviors can determine how entrenched these become.





Module 2.doc of 66




The secret is to break out of the spiral by supporting their real needs without supporting their destructive faulty beliefs, and alienating patterns of reaction. Difficult Behavior (And the Faulty Belief Behind It) The Downward Spiral Better Alternatives Seeking Attention ("I only belong when I am being noticed.") You feel annoyed and react by coaxing. They stop briefly, and then resume behavior and demands, perhaps in a new way. Avoid undue attention. Give attention for positive behavior especially when they are not making a bid for it. Support their real contribution and involvement. Power Plays ("I only belong when I am in control, when no-one can boss me!") You feel provoked or threatened and react by fighting or giving in. Their aggression is intensified or they comply defiantly. Disengage from the struggle. Help them to use power constructively by enlisting co-operation. Support their self-worth and autonomy. Seeking Revenge ("I am significant only if I make others feel hurt like I do.") You feel hurt by them, and retaliate. They seek further revenge more strongly or with another weapon. Convince them that you respect their needs. Build trusting relationships. Support their need for justice and fairness. Appear Inadequate ("I won't be hurt any more, only if I can convince others not to expect much from me.") You give up, overwhelmed. They respond passively, show no improvement, and stay "victim." Encourage any positive attempt, no matter how small. Focus on assets. Provide bite-sized learning experiences they can succeed at. Support how they feel as a starting place for self-improvement.





Module 2.doc of 66




Module 2.doc of 66

7. Willingness to Resolve Projection and Shadow Does the situation inform or inflame? The Opportunity The more someone inflames me, angers or upsets me, the more I know I have something to learn about myself from that person. In particular, I need to see where projection from my shadow side has interfered with my willingness to resolve. Projection Projection is when we see our own thoughts and feelings in the minds and behavior of others and not in ourselves. We push something about ourselves out of our awareness and instead see it coming towards us from others. We see that X is angry with us and we feel hurt. We don't recognize that we are angry with X and would like to hurt X. It's very similar to film projection. The movie going on in our heads is projected out onto the people around us. Each of us builds, in this way, a highly personalized world. Greater self- awareness is necessary if we are to see reality. Persona and Shadow Psychologist, Carl Jung, used the word "Persona" to describe the conscious aspects of personality, good and bad aspects which are known to the person. Jung called the unknown side of who we are "shadow."

Persona: My self-image. Things I accept are true about myself. My

conscious desires, wants, feelings, intentions and beliefs.

Shadow: Potential I have not unfolded. Aspects of myself I'm not ready to

know about. My unconscious wants and dislikes. Emotional responses that

are too painful to fully experience. Abilities/ talents I'm not ready to accept

or express.








Module 2.doc of 66

Shadow Hugging and Boxing Extreme attachment or rejection is both signs that our shadow has us in its hold. If we are overly attached to someone because of desirable qualities that we see in him/her and deny in ourselves we are SHADOW HUGGING. If we are overly rejecting of undesirable qualities in someone or something that we deny in ourselves we are SHADOW BOXING.

The hook the behavior in the other person that is inflaming me, in itself a neutral event. My projection gets caught on this hook.

The symptom my emotional reaction (usually variations on anger or hurt).

The projection the part of my shadow that is causing my strong reaction.

Acknowledgement To be willing to resolve, we need to acknowledge our projection. Consider:

• Suppressed needs e.g. Failing to recognize my need for companionship, I am deeply hurt when a friend postpones time we'd planned to be together.

• Unresolved personal history e.g. If I was seriously let down as a child I may become really wild when people don't do what they promised.

• Unacceptable qualities e.g. Because I don't accept my own anger, I don't accept it in others.

8. Mapping Define briefly the issue, the problem area, or conflict in neutral terms that all would agree on and that doesn't invite a "yes/no" answer e.g. "Filing" not "Should Sal do filing?" Alongside whom: write down the name of each important person or group. Write down each person's or group's needs. What motivates him/her? Write down each person's or group's concerns, fears or anxieties. Be prepared to change the statement of the issue, as your understanding of it evolves through discussion or to draw up other maps of related issues that arise.








Module 2.doc of 66

9. Designing Options What is the range of options? Use the tools below to generate ideas. Clarifying tools

• Chunking - breaking the problem into smaller parts. • Researching - more information; extent of resources: constraints. • Goal-setting - what is the outcome we want?

Generating tools • The obvious solution - to which all parties say "yes." • Brainstorming - no censoring, no justifying, no debating • Consensus - build a solution together • Lateral thinking - have we been practical, creative?

Negotiating tools • Maintain current arrangements - with trade-offs or sweeteners. • Currencies - what is it easy for me to give and valuable for you to

receive? • Trial and error - try one option, then another. • Establishing alternatives - what will happen if we can't agree? • Consequence confrontation - what I will do if we don't agree.

Selection Consider:

• Is it built on a win/win approach? • Does it meet many needs of all parties? • Is it feasible? • Is it fair? • Does it solve the problem? • Can we settle on one option or do we need to trial several?








Module 2.doc of 66

10. Negotiation skills Five basic principles


Where possible prepare in advance. Consider what your needs are and what the other person's are. Consider outcomes that would address more of what you both want. Commit yourself to a win/win approach, even if tactics used by the other person seem unfair. Be clear that your task will be to steer the negotiation in a positive direction. To do so you may need to do some of the following: Reframe Ask a question to reframe. (e.g. "If we succeed in resolving this problem, what differences would you notice?" Request a checking of understanding. ("Please tell me what you heard me/them say.") Request something she/he said to be re-stated more positively, or as an "I" statement. Re-interpret an attack on the person as an attack on the issue. Respond not React

• Manage your emotions. • Let some accusations, attacks, threats or ultimatums pass. • Make it possible for the other party to back down without feeling

humiliated (e.g. by identifying changed circumstances which could justify a changed position on the issue.)

Re-focus on the issue Maintain the relationship and try to resolve the issue. (e.g. "What's fair for both of us?" Summarize how far you've got. Review common ground and agreement so far. Focus on being partners solving the problem, not opponents. Divide the issue into parts. Address a less difficult aspect when stuck. Invite trading ("If you will, then I will") Explore best and worst alternatives to negotiating an acceptable agreement between you.








Module 2.doc of 66

Identify Unfair Tactics Name the behavior as a tactic. Address the motive for using the tactic. Chance the physical circumstances. Have a break. Change locations, seating arrangements etc. Go into smaller groups. Meet privately. Call for meeting to end now and resume later, perhaps "to give an opportunity for reflection."


Where possible prepare in advance. Consider what your needs are and what the other person's are. Consider outcomes that would address more of what you both want. Commit yourself to a win/win approach, even if tactics used by the other person seem unfair. Be clear that your task will be to steer the negotiation in a positive direction. To do so you may need to do some of the following: Reframe Ask a question to reframe. (e.g. "If we succeed in resolving this problem, what differences would you notice?" Request a checking of understanding. ("Please tell me what you heard me/them say.") Request something she/he said to be re-stated more positively, or as an "I" statement. Re-interpret an attack on the person as an attack on the issue.

Respond not React

11. Third Party Mediation Attitudes for Mediators These attitudes are relevant whenever you want to advise, in a conflict which is not your own. It may be a friend telling you about a problem on the telephone. It may an informal chat with both conflicting people. It may be a formally organized mediation session.

1. Be objective - validate both sides, even if privately you prefer one point of view, or even when only one party is present.

2. Be supportive - use caring language. Provide a non-threatening learning environment, where people will feel safe to open up.








Module 2.doc of 66

3. No judging - actively discourage judgments as to who was right and who was wrong. Don't ask "Why did you?" Ask "What happened?" and "How did you feel?" 4. Steer process, not content - use astute questioning. Encouraging suggestions from participants. Resist advising. If your suggestions are really needed, offer as options not directives. 5. Win/win - work towards wins for both sides. Turn opponents into problem- solving partners.

Mediation Methods Use the simple, yet effective rules from the "Fighting Fair" poster.

1. Define your mediator role as there to support both people "winning." 2. Get agreement from both people about a basic willingness to fix the

problem. 3. Let each person say what the problem is for them. Check back that the

other person has actually understood them. 4. Guide the conversation towards a joint problem solving approach and

away from personal attack. 5. Encourage them to look for answers where everybody gets what they

need. 6. Redirect "Fouls" (Name Calling, Put Downs, Sneering, Blaming, Threats,

Bringing up the Past, Making Excuses, Not Listening, and Getting Even). Where possible you reframe the negative statement into a neutral description of a legitimate present time concern.

Steps in Mediation Open

Introductions and agreements, warm up, explanations, and agenda if known.

Establish (i) Overview: What is the matter? Each person to express their view of the conflict, the issues and their feelings. (ii) Details: What is involved? More details. Map needs and concerns. Clarify misperceptions. Identify other relevant issues. Mirroring if needed.








Module 2.doc of 66

Move (i) Where are they now? Identify areas of agreement. Encourage willingness to move forward. Caucus if needed. (ii) Negotiation: Focus on future action. How would they like it to be? What would that take? Develop options. Trading - build wins for everyone.

Close Completion: Contracting. Plans for the future, including appointed time to review agreement. Closing statements.

• Manage your emotions. • Let some accusations, attacks, threats or ultimatums pass. • Make it possible for the other party to back down without feeling

humiliated (e.g. by identifying changed circumstances which could justify a changed position on the issue.)

Re-focus on the issue Maintain the relationship and try to resolve the issue. (e.g. "What's fair for both of us?" Summarize how far you've got. Review common ground and agreement so far. Focus on being partners solving the problem, not opponents. Divide the issue into parts. Address a less difficult aspect when stuck. Invite trading ("If you will, then I will") Explore best and worst alternatives to negotiating an acceptable agreement between you. Identify Unfair Tactics Name the behavior as a tactic. Address the motive for using the tactic. Chance the physical circumstances. Have a break. Change locations, seating arrangements etc. Go into smaller groups. Meet privately. Call for meeting to end now and resume later, perhaps "to give an opportunity for reflection."








Module 2.doc of 66

12. Broadening Perspectives Respect and value differences Just as we are unique and special, so are other people. We all have distinctive viewpoints that may be equally valid from where we stand. Each person's viewpoint makes a contribution to the whole and requires consideration and respect in order to form a complete solution. This wider view can open our eyes to many more possibilities. It may require us to change the mind chatter that says: "For me to be right, others must be wrong." Recognize a long term timeframe. Consider how the problem or the relationships will look over a substantial period of time. The longer timeframe can help us be more realistic about the size of the problem we presently face. Assume a global perspective. If we believe that the actions of one individual are interconnected with every other individual, then we can have a sense how our actions can have meaning in conjunction with the actions of others. We can look at the overall system, which may be the family, the organization or the society. Consider what needs this larger unit has in order to function effectively. Deal with resistance to the broader perspective Taking up a broader view can be scary. It may make us less certain of the rightness of our own case. We may fear that we will lose all conviction to fight for what we need. We may have to give up the security we got from the simple way we previously saw the problem. We may need courage to enter the confusion of complexity. Many fears of taking the broader perspective prove ungrounded once we analyze them carefully. Open to the idea of changing and risk-taking By taking a broader perspective you may be confronted with the enormity of the difficulties. Identify what you can do to affect a particular problem, even if it is only a small step in the right direction. One step forward changes the dynamics and new possibilities can open up.








Module 2.doc of 66

Blessed are you…

Blessed are you who take the time to listen to difficult speech,

For you help me to know that if I persevere, I can be understood.

Blessed are you who never bid me to "hurry up"

or take my tasks from me,

For I often need time rather than help.

Blessed are you who stand beside me as I enter

new and untried ventures,

For my failures will be outweighed by the times I surprise

myself and you.

Blessed are you who ask for my help,

For my greatest need is to be needed.

Blessed are you who understand that it is difficult for me

to put my thoughts into words.

Blessed are you who with a smile,

encourage me to try once more.

Blessed are you who never remind me that today I asked

the same question twice.

Blessed are you who respect me and love me just as I am.

Author Unknown

Module 2.doc of 66

You Are Not Alone by Patty McGill Smith If you have recently learned that your child is developmentally delayed or has a handicapping condition, which either is or is not completely defined, this message may be for you. It is written from the personal perspective of a parent who has shared this experience and all that goes with it. When parents learn about any difficulty or problem in their child's development, this information comes as a tremendous blow. The day my child was diagnosed as having a handicap, I was devastated--and so confused that I recall little else about those first days other than the heartbreak. Another parent described this event as a "black sack" being pulled down over her head, blocking her ability to hear, see, and think in normal ways. Another parent described the trauma as "having a knife stuck" in her heart. Perhaps these descriptions seem a bit dramatic, yet it has been my experience that they may not sufficiently describe the many emotions that flood parents' minds and hearts when they receive any bad news about their child. Many things can be done to help a parent through this period of trauma. That is what this paper is all about. In order to talk about some of the good things that can happen to alleviate the anxiety, let us first take a look at some of the reactions that occur. Common Reactions

On learning that their child may have a handicap, most parents react in ways that have been shared by all parents before them who have also been faced with this disappointment and with this enormous challenge. One of the first reactions is that of denial--"this cannot be happening to me, to my child, to our family." Denial rapidly merges with anger, which may be directed toward the medical personnel who were involved in providing the information about the child's problem. Anger can also color communication between husband and wife or with grandparents or significant others in the family. Early on, it seems that the anger is so intense that it touches almost anyone, because it is triggered by feelings of grief and inexplicable loss that one does not know how to explain, nor how to deal with. Fear is another immediate response. People often fear the unknown more than they fear the known. Having the complete diagnosis and future prospects can be easier than uncertainty. In either case, however, fear of the future is a common emotion: "What is going to happen to this child when he is five years old, when he is twelve, when he is twenty-one? What is going to happen to this child when I am gone?" Then other questions arise: "Will he ever learn? Will he ever go to college? Will he or she have the capability of loving and living and laughing and doing all the things that we had planned?"

Module 2.doc of 66

Other unknowns also inspire fear. Parents fear that the child's condition will be the very worst that it possibly could be. Over the years, I have spoken with so many parents who said that their first thoughts were totally bleak. One expects the worst. Memories return of handicapped persons one has known. Sometimes there is guilt over some slight committed years before toward a handicapped person. There is also fear of society's rejection, fears about how brothers and sisters will be affected, questions as to whether there will be any more brothers and sisters in this family, and concerns about whether the husband or wife will love this child. These fears can almost immobilize some parents. Then there is guilt and concern about whether the parents themselves have caused the problem: "Did I do something to cause this? Am I being punished for having done this? Did I take care of myself when I was pregnant? Did my wife take good enough care of herself when she was pregnant?" For myself, I remember thinking that surely my daughter had slipped from the bed when she was very young and hit her head, or that perhaps one of her brothers or sisters had inadvertently let her drop and didn't tell me. Much self-reproach and remorse can stem from questioning the causes of the handicap. Guilt feelings may also be manifested in spiritual and religious interpretations of blame and punishment. When they cry, "Why me?" or "Why my child?", many parents are also saying, "Why has God done this to me?" How often have we raised our eyes to Heaven and asked: "What did I ever do to deserve this?" One young mother said, "I feel so guilty because all my life I had never had a hardship and now God has decided to give me a hardship." Confusion also marks this traumatic period. As a result of not fully understanding what is happening and what will happen, confusion reveals itself in sleeplessness, inability to make decisions, and mental overload. In the midst of such a trauma, information can seem garbled and distorted. You hear new words that you never heard before, terms that describe something that you cannot understand. You want to find out what it is all about, yet it seems that you cannot make sense of all the information you are receiving. Often parents are just not on the same wavelength as the person who is trying to communicate with them about their child's handicap. Powerlessness to change what is happening is very difficult to accept. You cannot change the fact that your child is handicapped, yet parents want to feel competent and capable of handling their own life situations. It is extremely hard to be forced to rely on the judgments, opinions, and recommendations of others. Compounding the problem is that these others are often strangers with whom no bond of trust has yet been established. Disappointment that a child is not perfect poses a threat to many parents' egos and a challenge to their value system. This jolt to previous expectations can create reluctance to accept one's child as a valuable, developing person. Rejection is another reaction that parents experience. Rejection can be directed toward the child or toward other family members. One of the more serious forms of rejection, and not that uncommon, is a "death wish" for the child

Module 2.doc of 66

-- a feeling that many parents report at their deepest points of depression. During this period of time when so many different feelings can flood the mind and heart, there is no way to measure how intensely a parent may experience this constellation of emotions. Not all parents go through every one of these stages, but it is important for parents to identify with all of the potentially troublesome feelings that can arise so that they will know that they are not alone. There are many constructive actions that you can take immediately, and there are many sources of help, communication, and reassurance. Seek the Assistance of Another Parent

There was a parent who helped me. Twenty-two hours after my own child's diagnosis, he made a statement that I have never forgotten: "You may not realize it today, but there may come a time in your life when you will find that having a daughter with a handicap is a blessing." I can remember being puzzled by these words, which were nonetheless an invaluable gift that lit the first light of hope for me. This parent spoke of hope for the future. He assured me that there would be programs, there would be progress, and there would be help of many kinds and from many sources. And he was the father of a retarded boy. My first recommendation is to try to find another parent of a handicapped child, preferably one who has chosen to be a parent helper, and seek his or her assistance. All over the United States and over the world, there are Parent-Helping-Parent Programs. Talk with Your Mate

Over the years, I have discovered that many parents don't communicate their feelings regarding the problems their children have. One spouse is often concerned about not being a source of strength for the other mate. The more couples can communicate at difficult times like these, the greater their collective strength. If there are other children, talk with them, too. Be aware of their needs. If you are not emotionally capable of talking with your children or seeing to their emotional needs at this time, identify others within your family structure who can establish a special communicative bond with them. Talk with significant others in your life -- your best friend, your own parents. For many people, the temptation to close up emotionally is great at this point, but it can be so beneficial to have reliable friends and relatives who can help to carry the emotional burden. Rely on Positive Sources in Your Life

One positive source of strength and wisdom might be your minister, priest, or rabbi. Another might be a good friend or a counselor. Go to those who have been a strength before in your life. Find the new sources that you need now. A very fine counselor once gave me a recipe for living through a crisis: "Each morning, when you arise, recognize your powerlessness over the situation at hand, turn this problem over to God, as you understand Him, and begin your day."

Module 2.doc of 66

Whenever your feelings are painful, you must reach out and contact someone. Call or write or get into your car and contact a real person who will talk with you and share that pain. Pain divided is not nearly so hard to bear as is pain in isolation. Sometimes professional counseling is warranted; if you feel that this might help you, do not be reluctant to seek this avenue of assistance. Take One Day at a Time

Fears of the future can immobilize one. Living with the reality of the day which is at hand is made more manageable if we throw out the "what if's" and "what then's" of the future. Good things continue to happen each day. Take time to "smell the roses." Learn the Terminology

When you are introduced to new terminology, you should not be hesitant to ask what it means. Whenever someone uses a word that you don't understand, stop the conversation for a minute and ask the person to explain the meaning. Seek Information

Some parents seek virtually "tons" of information; others are not so persistent. The important thing is that you request accurate information. You should not be afraid to ask questions will be your first step in beginning to understand more about your child. Learning how to formulate questions is an art that will make life a lot easier for you in the future. A good method is to write down your questions before entering appointments or meetings, and to write down further question as you think of them during the meeting. Get written copies of all documentation from physicians, teachers and therapists regarding your child. It is a good idea to buy a three ring notebook which to save all information that is given to you. In the future, there will be many uses for information that you have recorded and filed; keep it in a safe place. Again, remember always to ask for copies of evaluations, diagnostic reports, and progress reports. Do Not Be Intimidated

Many parents feel inadequate in the presence of people from the medical or educational professions because of their credentials. Do not be intimidated by the educational backgrounds of these and other personnel who may be involved in treating or helping your child. You do not have to apologize for wanting to know what is occurring. Do not be concerned that you are being a bother or are asking too many questions. Remember, this is your child, and the situation has a profound effect on your life and on your child's future. Therefore, it is important that you learn as much as you can about your situation. Do Not Be Afraid to Show Emotion

So many parents, especially Dads, repress their emotions because they believe it to be a sign of weakness to let people know how badly they are feeling. The strongest fathers of handicapped children whom I know are not afraid to show their emotions. They understand that revealing feelings does not diminish one's strength.

Module 2.doc of 66

Learn to Deal with Bitterness and Anger Ultimately, bitterness and anger will hurt you a great deal more than they will

those toward whom the anger is directed. It is very valuable to be able to recognize your anger and then let go of it. It is understandable that parents will be bitter and angry and disappointed to learn that their child has a serious problem. When you realize that these negative responses tend to hurt you and make you less effective with your child, you can decide to do something about them. Life is better when you are feeling positive. You will be better equipped to meet these new challenges when bitter feelings are no longer draining your energies and initiative. Avoid Pity

Self-pity, the experience of pity from others, or pity for your child are actually disabling. Pity is not what is needed. Empathy, which is the ability to feel with another person, is the attitude to be encouraged. Avoid Judgments

During this period, parents may become judgmental about the way people are reacting toward them or toward their child. Many people's reactions to serious problems are based on a lack of understanding, fear of knowing what to say, or fear of the unknown. Therefore, others may sometimes react inappropriately, but you need not use too much energy in being concerned over those who are not able to respond in ways that you might prefer. Keep Daily Routines as Normal as Possible

My mother once told me, "When a problem arises and you don't know what to do, then do whatever it was that you were going to do anyway." Practicing this habit seems to produce some normalcy and consistency when life becomes hectic. Remember That This Is Your Child

This person is your child, first and foremost. Granted, your child's development may be different from that of other children, but this does not make your child less valuable, less human, less important, or less in need of your love and parenting. Love and enjoy your child. The child comes first; the handicapping condition is second. If you can relax and take the positive steps just outlined, one at a time, you will do the best you can, your child will benefit, and you can look forward to the future with hope. Recognize That You Are Not Alone

The feeling of isolation at the time of diagnosis is almost a universal feeling among parents. In this paper, there are many recommendations to help diminish those feelings of separateness and isolation. You can diminish these feelings by recognizing that they have been experienced by many, many others, that understanding and constructive help are available to you and your child, and that you are not alone.

module 2 summary learning objectives · module 2 summary this module will develop personal skills...

Documents