MODERN FAMILY “What Would Brian Boitano Do?”

By Ville Huoponen

Contact: ville.huoponen(at)gmail.com

iwishicouldlikethat.blogspot.com/

ACT ONE

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - DAY

PHIL on the phone.

PHILOkay, Jay, I’ll be there in fifteen.

Phil hangs up and gets back to reading a newspaper. Then HALEY shows up.

HALEYReading something important?

PHILMostly girl stuff.

HALEYLike what?

PHILYour mom has been talking about remodeling the house for some time.

HALEYCool.

PHILNot cool. She wants to get the bathroom done first.

HALEYAnd?

PHILIf it’s not broken, don’t fix it. That’s my motto.

HALEYUnless it’s a new tv.

PHILThat’s a different thing. It’s about the relief that it provides you. (THEN) I’m talking about the tv of course.

HALEYYeah, I get it.

2.

Doorbell rings. (THEN) LUKE goes to open it. It’s MITCHELL with LILY.

LUKEMorning, Mitchell.

MITCHELLGood morning to you too Luke.

LUKEHaven’t seen you in some time.

MITCHELLWell, it’s a special day today.

LUKEFor you too?

MITCHELLYes. I’m supposed to spend some quality time with your mom.

LUKESay no more.

MITCHELLWe’re going to do something that we haven’t done in let’s see..

CLAIRE shows up.

CLAIREIn too many years.

MITCHELLMake that twenty-five years to be precise.

Luke going up the stairs. (THEN)

LUKEYou’re getting old.

Mitchell touching his belly. Claire touching her jeans.

INTERVIEW - MITCHELL AND CLAIRE - DAY

MITCHELLYeah. Well we got the idea that since we hadn’t been..

CLAIRESkating.

3.

MITCHELLIn a long time.. and since Sun Valley is not that far away from here, we decided to go there today.

CLAIRETo have a great time.

Then LILY shows up.

LILYI don’t want to go. (THEN)

MITCHELLIt’s going to be fun.

Mitchell “smiles”.

INT. LUKE’S BEDROOM - DAY

Luke doing something with his laptop on the bed. Then Alex knocks on the open door.

LUKEYeah what is it?

ALEXUncle Mitchell told me you have a special day.

LUKEDid he?

ALEXYes but he didn’t tell me what it was.

LUKEI wouldn’t say it’s a special day.

ALEXBut you told him that.

LUKEI didn’t tell.. or - I told him but..

ALEXWould you like to tell me?

LUKEWhat makes you think I’d like to tell you?

ALEXI don’t know. Because I’m your sister?

4.

LUKEThat’s a good reason not to tell you.

ALEXAh.

INT. CAMERON & MITCHELL’S BEDROOM - DAY

Cameron talking on the phone.

CAMERONYes, mrs. Chong. With right guidance she could get so much better.. It’s your call of course.. thank you for being so understanding. .okay..you too, bye bye.

Cameron hangs up the phone.

CAMERON (CONT’D)(talking to himself) She can thank me if she becomes the next Yo Yo Ma.

Cameron goes to the bathroom to read a magazine. He sits on the toilet seat.

Then he hears a certain sound of something cracking.

CAMERON (CONT’D)What was that?

He stands up and sees how the toilet bowl has cracked and how a chunk falls off it. Cameron can’t believe what he’s seeing. Water starts pouring.

CAMERON (CONT’D)(something with a high pitch repeated)

MAIN TITLES

INT. JAY’S PLACE - DAY

JAY, GLORIA and MANNY having a breakfast. THEN Jay’s Cell phone rings.

JAYYello. Oh hi Cam. (THEN) Okay. You did what?

5.

INT. CAMERON & MITCHELL’S BATHROOM - DAY

CAMERONThe toilet cracked. You heard it right. I don’t know if there was a minor earthquake here or whether the opera singer down the street opened his voice with too much panache or something.

JAYAre you sure you didn’t kick it accidentally? You were quite the kicker back in the day.

CAMERON(heard from phone) There’s water all over the place. What am I’m going to do?

JAYCall Joe the Plumber.

CAMERONThat’s not funny. What I’m saying is that there’s an emergency here and I need someone to help.

JAYYeah.. but..

CAMERONThis is a family emergency.

A long pause.

JAYOkay, right. Family emergency (THEN) Well okay then. I guess I’ll call Phil and we’ll come.

Ends the phone call.

JAY (CONT’D)It’s the simplest thing and he can’t do it. Can’t fix the toilet.

MANNYWell, you’re closest to being the construction guy Jay.

JAYBut still, it’s the easiest thing.

MANNYMaybe it’s easy for you.

6.

Then Jay grabs something to eat. He drinks from a cup but splashes on his shirt.

JAYOh crap. Gloria, can you wash this shirt?

GLORIAYou can wash it yourself. (THEN)

JAYYou know I don’t know how to use that damn machine.

Manny reacts.

JAY (CONT’D)What?

EXT. NEAR SUN VALLEY SKATING RINK - DAY

Mitchell & Claire and Lily somewhere outside the rink.

MITCHELLSuch a great day for skating.

CLAIREWhat do you think Lily? Excited to skate too?

Lily doesn’t say anything.

MITCHELLI’m sure she’s going to like it. Although she was supposed to play with Connor.

CLAIREI’m sure she’ll love it.

MITCHELLLily, skating is a really wonderful sport.

CLAIRELet’s not forget that as a skater you get to dress as a princess.

LILYI don’t care.

MITCHELLYou get to dance to music. You get to do jumps and other moves.

7.

CLAIRE(almost silently to Mitchell) It lets you keep off weight like no other thing.

MITCHELLI hear you there.

LILYIf it’s so much fun, why did you quit skating?

MITCHELLWell technically we never did quit. We were just on a break. On a long break.

CLAIREOnce you learn it, you’ll never forget it.

MITCHELLWe’ll see about that..

CLAIREAnd Lily, it’s a really good way to impress the guys.

LILYYou know what I want to be? I want to be an ice-hockey player.

CLAIREYeah..

MITCHELLThat’ll sure impress the guys. (THEN)

CLAIRELet’s go Lily.

LILYI want to become an ice-hockey player.

MITCHELLWe’ll talk about that later.

END OF ACT ONE

8.

ACT TWO

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE HALEY’S ROOM - DAY

Alex goes to Haley’s room. She’s doing something..

ALEXHey.

HALEYWhat is it?

ALEXNothing.

HALEYNow why don’t I believe you?

ALEXWell, I heard Luke has something going on today.

HALEYYeah, why would you care?

ALEXI don’t.

HALEYYou don’t?

ALEXI asked and he didn’t tell me.

HALEYMaybe it’s because it’s important to him.

ALEXI thought that maybe he’s like going out on a date. It has to be it.

HALEYHe didn’t tell you?

ALEXNo.

HALEYFYI - he’s going out with Mallory Tweeden, the coolest girl in his class.

9.

ALEXHe told you that?

HALEYHe told me.

ALEXWhy?

HALEYI don’t know.

ALEXWeird. He didn’t tell me.

HALEYHow about that.

Alex puzzled.

EXT. SUN VALLEY SKATING RINK - DAY

MITCHELL, CLAIRE and LILY skating. Well, Lily trying to skate.

MITCHELLWow, these skates are really tight.

CLAIREThe pain is pretty bad. But it takes some time get used to these.

MITCHELLI think mine are half a size too small.

CLAIREYou can try another pair if you need.

MITCHELLLily come on. You can do it.

LILYThis is difficult.

MITCHELLIt is at first. But it gets better.

Lily falls.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)Aww.

CLAIREI can hold her.

10.

Claire holds Lily.

MITCHELLYou look so sweet together.

LILYI can do it myself.

MITCHELLWow you got confident fast.

LILYI can do it.

Claire lets Lily do it. Lily manages to take a couple of steps but eventually falls again.

CLAIREAww. Nice try.

MITCHELLAlready getting better.

LILYI want to take a break.

MITCHELLThat’s okay honey.

LILY goes to the stairs to sit. Then Mitchell and Claire look at a professional skater do a triple jump.

CLAIREThey make it look so easy.

MITCHELLWe never were that good.

Mitchell and Claire skate around.

CLAIREI could barely do a double toe.

MITCHELLCan’t even do a single one now. The only thing I’m able to do is... probably a lift. That’s it.

CLAIREYeah. (THEN) Want to try?

MITCHELLI don’t know.

CLAIREWell we could try and pretend that we’re one of them.

11.

MITCHELLI guess, but we have to be careful.

Close by is a skater who performs a backflip. BRIAN BOITANO is there too doing stuff.

Mitchell lifts Claire.

CLAIREGuess who’s here?

MITCHELLWho?

CLAIREBrian Boitano.

MITCHELLI can’t see. I’m holding you up. (THEN) Let me see.

CLAIRETake me down.

It doesn’t go well. They both fall, sort of. Boitano takes a good look at them both.

MITCHELLPerfect.

EXT - SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE HOME DEPOT - DAY

PHIL and JAY walking.

PHILYou know, Claire has talked about remodeling the bathroom for a long time.

JAYWell good luck with that. It won’t be just about replacing the toilet.

PHILShe said it has to happen this year.

JAYI can give you a hint. When me and DeeDee were together, I just kept listening to her and listening to her.

PHILAnd you didn’t do a thing.

12.

JAYThe bathroom was fine. But you know women. When they get an idea, they’re going to get their way. One way or another. It’s just how it goes.

PHILSo what am I going to do?

JAYYou have to fix it.

PHILRight. But it’s not broken. The bathroom is fine.

JAYYou still have to fix it.

PHILHow?

JAYYou have to fix it.

PHILI don’t get it.

JAYYou don’t have to get it. You just have to do it.

They enter the store.

EXT. SUN VALLEY SKATING RINK - DAY

Claire, Mitchell and Lily taking a break.

A professional skater somewhere does a combo jump.

MITCHELLOh that’s nice.

LILYDid you do jumps like that?

CLAIREAlmost.

MITCHELLStill want to become an ice-hockey player?

LILYI don’t know.

13.

Then Brian Boitano does a beautiful spread-eagle.

CLAIREThat’s awesome.

Claire gives applause. Boitano looks at them again.

MITCHELLMaybe we shouldn’t bother him.

Then Boitano approaches them.

CLAIREHi. You’re doing really great.

BOITANOThank you. (THEN) You know, I was watching you for some time.

MITCHELLYeah, we sucked.

BOITANONo, I mean, I was wondering... and you know, I might be wrong but you remind me of someone.

CLAIREI bet you’re confusing us with someone else.

BOITANOMaybe. But I kind thought for a minute that I remembered you from like back in the early eighties.

LILYThat’s thirty years ago.

BOITANOIs there any chance that you’d be Fire & Nice?

MITCHELLOh my god, yes. Yes, we are.

CLAIREYes. I’m the nice one.

MITCHELLHow were you able to remember?

BOITANOI mean, how could I not. You were so full of passion..

MITCHELLThank you.

14.

BOITANOAnd you weren’t that nice, if I may.

CLAIREI guess you got me. But I’m really nice nowadays.

Mitchell looks at Claire.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)I think I’m relatively nice.

Mitchell again.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)Okay, I’m not the worst person in the world.

Mitchell agrees.

LILYI’m hungry.

MITCHELLMe too honey, we’ll grab something to eat soon.

BOITANOYou know, I was thinking, I’m a bit hungry too, so if you don’t have anything better to do..

MITCHELLI don’t see how we could have.

BOITANOMaybe we could have lunch or something.

CLAIREOf course.

BOITANOYou know, otherwise I would just do something stupid and eat like gummy-bears for lunch.

LILYI like gummy-bears.

BOITANOWould you like to have mine?

LILYCan I daddy?

15.

MITCHELLYes, but only after you eat your lunch.

BOITANOOkay, see you in a minute.

Boitano leaves.

CLAIREOh my god.

MITCHELLI did not expect that.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Luke taking something from the fridge. Alex shows up.

ALEXI heard you’re going out with Mallory Tweeden.

LUKEOh yeah.

ALEXYou thought it was something that you didn’t want to share with me.

LUKEIt’s not something that’s especially cool.

ALEXNot cool? She’s the most popular girl in school. And you didn’t tell me.

LUKEBecause it was a secret.

ALEXA secret?

LUKEOkay. Not a secret. But I wasn’t running around telling everyone.

ALEXHaley knows it. I bet Mitchell knows it. What about Phil or Claire?

LUKEI don’t know. I haven’t told them. I mean, I’m not that crazy.

16.

ALEXRight.

Then Haley comes down.

HALEYHe didn’t tell you because you’re not the cool girl.

ALEXCome on.

LUKEWell..

ALEXWhat? I know how to be cool too.

HALEYWhat would you know about being around Mallory?

ALEXShe’s a girl like me.

HALEYShe’s a girl but that’s where the similarities end.

ALEXThat’s not fair.

HALEY I gave Luke all the advice that he needed. You do remember what I told you?

LUKEYeah but I can’t that say that you really helped me. It just got me more confused.

ALEXSee.

HALEYYou can’t go wrong if you compliment her looks or if you take her to the place where she likes to go. And you definitely should wear the shirt and the trousers I picked up for you.

LUKEI don’t like how they fit. I don’t feel comfortable wearing those.

17.

ALEXShould have asked me.

HALEYBut he didn’t because you’re not cool.

LUKEIt’s not that simple.

HALEYIt is to me.

LUKEJust leave me alone. You’re not helping. (re: Haley) I don’t need your advice and (re: Alex) I don’t need you snooping around.

Luke leaves.

LUKE (O.S) (CONT’D)You’re making me feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.

HALEYNow look what you just did?

ALEXMe?

HALEYYeah, you.

Alex self-conscious.

END OF ACT TWO

18.

ACT THREE

INT. HOME DEPOT - DAY

PHILWow, this is the first time I’ve been here.

JAYAnd very likely not the last.

PHILWhere’s the bathroom stuff?

JAYSection seven.

Then Jay gets a call. Phil goes. It’s Mitchell in a restaurant.

JAY (CONT’D)Hi Mitch. You’ll never guess what happened today.

MITCHELLYeah, well I bet that you’ll never guess what happened to me and Claire. Anyway, I was wondering if you’d want to go with Manny and Gloria to an ice show tomorrow. We’ve got some free tickets.

JAYI don’t really know.

MITCHELLThere’s Brian Boitano..

JAYYeah.

MITCHELLMichael Weiss.

JAYDon’t know him.

MITCHELLJoe Sabovcik.

19.

JAYMust have heard his name but can’t really remember..

MITCHELLAnd Sasha Cohen.

JAYOh, of course. Yes. We’re in. I loved Borat.

MITCHELLThe other Sasha Cohen dad.

JAYOh. I guess we’ll talk about that later. I have a thing to do with Phil right now. If you know what I mean.

MITCHELLI don’t and I’m not that sure I need to.

They end the call. THEN a bit elsewhere we get a look of Phil looking at the toilets.

PHIL(to himself) Have to say these look pretty awesome. Maybe Claire wasn’t wrong after all.

INT. RESTAURANT SOMEWHERE IN SUN VALLEY - DAY

Mitchell, Claire, Lily and Brian Boitano having lunch.

MITCHELLDad thought Sasha Cohen meant Borat.

BOITANOYou wouldn’t know how often that happens.

MITCHELLI’m sure our father’s going to appreciate Sasha too. He’s got an eye for beauty.

CLAIREMarried to a Columbian beauty queen.

MITCHELLIt’s a happy marriage.

20.

CLAIREWe’ve been really fortunate as a family.

MITCHELLBut not as fortunate as you.

BOITANOI guess I’ve been doing quite well.

MITCHELLQuite well? You’re the olympic gold medalist from Calgary.

BOITANOI still remember every moment of that performance.

CLAIREAnd you’re an Emmy winner too. I can’t forget your performance in Carmen.

MITCHELLI can’t imagine myself ever winning one.

CLAIREWell, you never know.

BOITANOYeah, but still. It just a statue.. and it’s not made of gold. Neither is that gold medal by the way.

MITCHELLAnd let’s not forget that there’s a song named after you. How did the lyrics go again..

CLAIREAnd you had your cooking show on tv.

BOITANOYeah.

CLAIREAnd that cook book. Oh, we love food.

MITCHELLWe really do.

BOITANOYea. I guess. But you know, sometimes I just feel like I should have done something more.

21.

They eat something.

Mitchell being emphatic.

BOITANO (CONT’D)I don’t know. I know how it sounds..

MITCHELLWe understand. You know, sometimes I feel like I’m inadequate too.

CLAIRELet’s not even start talking about me.

BOITANOSometimes I feel that something is kinda missing from my life to be honest.

Boitano looks at Lily as a tell. Then someone comes to ask for an autograph.

BOITANO (CONT’D)I don’t know about that. (THEN) Why don’t we take a group photo instead?

That someone more than happily agrees. Lily happily poses.

MITCHELLIt won’t be Lily who’s missing from the picture.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LUKE’S ROOM - DAY

Luke is trying on some clothes. Alex comes in.

ALEXHey.

LUKEWhat do you want?

ALEXI just want to say that..

LUKEYes.

ALEXIt wasn’t really my business what you were doing today. I’m sorry.

22.

LUKEThat’s okay. I just got frustrated because I’m nervous.

ALEXYou know, sometimes I just feel left out and it doesn’t make me feel good to be honest.

LUKEYeah.

ALEXI mean you’re supposed to have a good day today. It’s just that everybody except me knew what was going on. (THEN)

LUKEYou want to know the truth about me going out with Mallory?

ALEXIf you want to tell.

LUKEOkay. So how it went is, pretty much, that I didn’t ask her to go out with me.

ALEXWhat? What do you mean? She asked you?

LUKEYeah, and I didn’t know how to say no.

ALEXYou didn’t want to go out with her? Why?

LUKEI don’t know. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. But she’s like this cool girl and I don’t really know about that stuff. I didn’t know what to really expect and I still don’t.

ALEXSo why did you tell Haley and not me?

LUKEIt’s because it’s easier to talk to Haley.. also because you’re not superficial or something..

23.

(MORE)

..and I kinda felt like that if I told you..

ALEXYou thought that would like..

LUKEI thought it would make me superficial or something. I know it doesn’t make sense.

ALEXI don’t know. I guess it doesn’t and yet I guess it does. (THEN)

LUKESo we’re okay?

ALEXIf you can forgive me?

LUKEYeah. But I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

Haley outside, back to the wall, listening.

END OF ACT THREE

24.

LUKE (CONT'D)

ACT FOUR

EXT. OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT - DAY

All four outside.

MITCHELLYou know, it was an honor to be able to spend time with you.

BOITANOI’m so happy I was able to talk with you too.

CLAIREI hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.

MITCHELLWe really did.

Boitano a bit sad. (THEN)

CLAIREIs something wrong?

BOITANONo. It’s that I’ve felt a bit lonely lately.

MITCHELLYeah, sometimes I feel lonely too.

BOITANOIt just came to my mind that I don’t have anything to do tonight and stuff. There’s pretty much an empty house waiting for me. (THEN)

CLAIREYou know you could spend time with our family if you want.

BOITANOI don’t know, I don’t want to bother you.

CLAIREIt wouldn’t bother us at all.

25.

MITCHELLYou can be most certain of that.

Boitano still sad.

CLAIREMaybe you could show me how to like.. cook. You could show your recipes.

BOITANOI don’t know. (THEN) I guess.

MITCHELLAlright.

CLAIREThat would be awesome.

Boitano nods. Then Mitchell’s cell phone rings.

MITCHELLIt’s Cam. My husband.

INT. CAMERON & MITCHELL’S HOUSE - DAY

CAMERONYou don’t know what happened today.

MITCHELLYou don’t know what happened to us. We’re having lunch with Brian Boitano.

CAMERONOh my god.

MITCHELLYeah.

CAMERONYou’re not joking are you?

MITCHELLWhat happened there?

CAMERONIt’s not important. We have it under control. (THEN) Hey did you sing the song.

MITCHELLNo. I don’t think it’s the best moment for that now.

26.

CAMERONHow did it go again. Let’s see. What would Brian Boitano do, if he’d be here right now, I’m sure he’d kick..

Cameron keeps singing the song. Mitchell just ends the call.

MITCHELLOkay, let’s save that for another time.

BOITANOI really need to learn those lyrics one day.

They start walking away together.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DAY

Luke is about to leave the house. Then Alex shows up.

ALEXHey.

Luke doesn’t say anything.

ALEX (CONT’D)Before you go I’d like to give you something.

LUKEWhat is it?

ALEXA note. To help you.

LUKEWhat’s on it?

ALEXDon’t read it now. There’s everything you need to know on it.

LUKEI think I already got all the help I needed.

Alex gives it to Luke nevertheless.

ALEXGood luck with the date.

LUKEThanks.

Luke goes out.

27.

INT. CAMERON & MITCHELL’S HOUSE - DAY

Phil and Jay show up at the door with the toilet, Phil carrying it.

PHILHere we go.

CAMERONThank god you came.

JAYNot a problem. Hey, did you turn off the water from the main switch?

CAMERONI did.

JAYGood.

CAMERONThank you, thank you, thank you.

JAYNo need to thank us.

CAMERONThank you, thank you, thank you.

JAYYeah, yeah, yeah.

CAMERONYou saved our day.

PHIL(to Jay) Is it easy to replace?

JAYIt’s very easy. It’s like turning on the tv. You just have to know which buttons to press.

PHIL You know, claire once broke a remote because she didn’t know which buttons to press.

They keep heading towards the bathroom.

CAMERON Did you hear about Brian Boitano?

JAY We did.

28.

CAMERON What do you think he would do?

PHIL (O.S)Fix the toilet and beat up Kublai Khan.

JAY (O.S.)Yeah.

CAMERON (O.S)Are you sure this is easy?

JAY (O.S)It’s is easy. Trust me.

CAMERON (O.S)Good.

A MONTAGE:

Music!

INT. CAMERON & MITCHELL’S BATHROOM - DAY

We get to see Jay replacing the old toilet with a new one.

JAY (V.O.)You, know sometimes we tend to forget that when someone asks our help, there’s usually a good reason for that.

EXT. SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE - DAY

Luke reads what Alex wrote to him.

JAY (V.O.)Sometimes it’s a smaller problem, sometimes the problem is a bit bigger.

EXT. OUTSIDE LUKE’S DATE’S HOUSE - DAY

Luke rings the doorbell.

(THEN) A mom of Luke’s date comes to open the door.

LUKE’S DATE’S MOM.(smiling) And you must be..

LUKEI’m Luke Dunphy.

29.

Luke smiles.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

We see Boitano preparing food with Mitchell, Claire, Cam, Phil and Jay.

JAY (V.O.)But if ever you get a chance to help..

They all have a good time.

JAY (V.O.)Especially when that someone is an olympic gold medal winner, you should consider yourself lucky.

We see them eating together.

INTERVIEW - JAY

JAY Especially because..

Jay grabs a plate full of pasta.

JAY (CONT’D)This pasta that he cooked us, is the best that I’ve ever had.

Jay keeps eating.

JAY (CONT’D)Gloria! You have to learn how to make this.

END OF ACT FOUR

30.

TAG

INT. BOITANO’S PLACE - DAY

Phil, Claire and Cameron with Boitano who’s holding his Emmy.

Mitchell and Jay in the other group.

Cameron looking at the Emmy.

CAMERON(mischievously) Well, you never know.

Phil and Claire same reaction.

Jay and Mitchell on the other hand, grumpy.

END OF SHOW

31.