Mnemophobia By RedLolita

Chapter 1 Entry #001

Mnemophobia: Fear of memories 31st July 2014

Jiyong! Jiyong! Cmon, Im sure we can try again. Im sure there are better companies out there! Im sure we can find her! Jiyong! Yang Hyun Seok shouted, but the 26 year-old man just kept walking, showing no signs to stop. Where are you going?! You told us to hold on to our faith, to believe that we can find her!! You cant just give up just like that! You have to keep holding on!! Jiyong stopped in his track as his right hand gripped onto the brown envelope tightly. Today, he realized that he is the biggest hypocrite of them all. He tells everyone to keep holding on and that there is light at the end as long as they keep searching and that everything gets better as long as they continue to wait. He always tells everyone to have hope, that they need to keep trying because it is too early to give up when there is him, who is barely holding on already. But I tried, didnt I? Jiyong choked out, God damn it! At least I did that! With that, he walked out of the building and right into his car. He threw the brown envelope onto the passenger seat and sped down the highway of Seoul, gripping his steering wheel tightly. He has nowhere in mind, but his heart took him home. Their home. Jiyong stepped into his house, his hand still holding onto that brown envelope. Swiftly, he uncapped the bottle of hard liquor that was sitting alongside with other liquor on his dining table and he poured down his throat right away, letting the liquid burn his throat. Now he understood why people drink, because they get to see the person they miss; he could see her now. How she sprawled on the floor to study for her exams while waiting for him to be back from a concert, how she would cook for him and serve it to him with that smile he loves the most and how she would always make a face at him whenever she loses in their argument. Ji, shall we have Kimbap for dinner? Her voice echoed in the furthest end of the living room, and Jiyong saw himself wrapping his arms around her. Instinctively, he clenched his fist as he tried to reminisce the feeling of her body around his hands.

Sounds good. I will call for delivery. I will just go and get it. Its just a few streets away. She pecked his lips, Go and bathe. I will be right back. Okay. Come back quickly alright? With a bright smile, the girl nodded her head back at him and grabbed her coat, closing the front door behind her. Closing his eyes painfully, Jiyong leaned his head back on the chair. He feels so terribly sad but he had long reached the point where he had stopped crying because he had no more tears left. He could only lay there, feeling miserable and let the misery continue filling him. How could emptiness be so heavy? Stop drinking. Jiyong opened his eyes slowly to see his best friend standing in front of him. With a forceful smile, he sat up and grabbed another bottle of liquor. When did you come? Have a drink friend! Stop it. Taeyang grabbed the liquor away from him and frowned. He stepped into his apartment after receiving calls from their CEO saying that Jiyong disappeared after receiving news about her. And his sixth sense told him right away that it wasnt a piece of good news and he was right afterall. Surprisingly, Jiyong didnt snatch it back. Instead, he reached out for his cigarettes and lit it, blowing the puff of smoke out with his dazed eyes. Stop doing all these things that are harmful for your body! You will get addicted to them!! Taeyang grabbed the cigarette away from him, not caring that it burnt his hand, ceasing it straight. Addicted? Jiyong laughed, Its better to be addicted to all these things than people. You get hooked on a thing and if someone takes it from you, you can find another source. Only people can hurt you. Only people can push you out into the cold permanently. Jiyong They say it is better to have loved and lost than never be loved at all. But when its 3.04am and I am in our bed, haunted by the memories of what it felt like when she was holding me, I begin to wish that I had never loved at all. How can she break her promise? Jiyong asked, his hand shaking. She said she would be right back. But it had been 2 years, why is she not back? Im still waiting.. Everyday I wait for her to come back hyung.. but how can she not come back? She promised me too.

Jiyong Taeyang looked at his best friend with pain in his eyes. Before him sat a man whom is idolize by millions but who he sees right now is a man who is badly broken, inside out. Im sure we can find her. We hired the best private investigators in the world didnt we? Give them some time, they will definitely be able to find her. Shaking his head, Jiyong felt tears escaping his eyes. The pain is searing his heart again. I did everything I could.. the only one thing I cant do is make her come back. She will come back! Taeyang raised his voice angrily, You cant give up now Jiyong! You need to keep holding on! Im sure the people CEO Jang hired will definitely find her! She wont!!! Jiyong screamed as tears flowed from his eyes, his shoulders shaking violently. He grabbed the brown envelope that was sitting on the table and tore them into tiny pieces like his heart. She left!! She left and she wont come back anymore!! How can she not keep her promise.. how can she lie to me Taeyang watched his friend cried, his nose turning sour at the sight of his tears that he had to turn away. Then, the logo on the brown envelope caught his attention. He took the pieces of paper that Jiyong crushed in his hand with his shaking hands, holding his breadth as he pieced them up. Covering his mouth, Taeyang slumped into the seat, all of his energy dissipated instantly. He stared at the torn pieces of paper unbelievably as he felt his heart sank. Holding onto Jiyongs shaking shoulders, tears escaped his eyes, wetting the paper in front of him. How he wished this wasnt true. How he wished he could change the result. How he wished there was something left for them to believe in. But, there was none left. Their last hope was gone. The World Association of Professional Investigation Cha Haewon Search Results: 0

Chapter 2 Entry #002

We try so hard to hide everything were really feeling from those who probably need to know our true feeling the most. People try to bottle up their emotions, as if

its somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life. 8th August 2014

It was probably the 30th time the song, Let me know had been playing in the background and Kai just kept dancing to it, moving every part of his body to the music. He used to love dancing to this song so much but he could no longer. Dance had become a reminder to him that he is still alive, and breathing even though he spent a lot of time wondering if it would matter if he died. Sweat dripped from his wet hair as he panted to catch his breadth when the song came to a perfect end. Every joint in his body screamed pain and every cell of his body hurt, but he couldnt bring himself to stop dancing; he needed to continue. However, his legs gave way almost immediately as he crumbled onto the floor, clutching his waist, he couldnt feel the searing pain anymore. Picking himself up, he limped over to the stereo and played the song again. He stood in front of the mirror, preparing to dance to it once more as he panted hard. He remembers that in the past, when hes upset, he would shut himself down using dance just like this. Back then, he has no motivation for anything else, and he tells himself that nobody cares even though he knows some do. He thinks about all of the negative things he could possibly think of and he give himself all the pain, thinking he deserve it. He is not sure why he does that, but thats just how he is. However, this is practically how he is living now. Just as he was about to enter the first chorus of the dance, his alarm went off, signaling that it was 4am. Walking over to pick his things up, he pulled his cap over and switched off the lights of the practise room as he made his way towards the exit. How he wished he didnt need to be at the airport at 6am, he wanted to just keep dancing, even though his body didnt allow it. Walking down the almost deserted corridor, Kai held onto his hurting waist. When he is unhappy, everything in the world eating, sleeping and even dancing, has something buried inside it that just makes him unhappier. Even the sight of her could no longer cheer him up. How he wished that he didnt bump into her instead. On the opposite end of the corridor stood a girl with black hair in almost the same state as he was in; sweat-drenched hair, hurting joints and aching back. On such a quiet night, they couldnt avoid one another like they always had. Despite being on two different end of the corridor, they could still see each others eyes

clearly and neither of them could look away. The burning gaze that they held within them consisted of more than just love. Kais eyes widened, surprised to see her here at this hour when he thought he was the only one in the office. Till he saw the brightly lit practise room beside her, then it reminded him how similar they were. The girl gave him a weak smile but he turned away immediately, heading towards the emergency staircase instead. He swore to god, everytime she smiles, it boils him to a point that he has to look away because its so hauntingly beautiful that it hurts his heart. He knows, he has no ability to own that smile and by running away, he hopes that she can find someone she cant live without and he hopes she never have to know what is it like to have to try and live without them. Like him. Jongin! Pushing open the emergency exit door, Seulgi called his name with her trembling voice and she saw him froze, with his back facing her. Biting her lower lips, she walked nearer to him. The sight of his backview alone was enough to make her heart flutter in an aching way. Slipping a box of pain- killers into his hands, she whispered. I know it hurts. She knows that he is in pain, she knows it from the way he is biting his lower lips. She knows that the pain-killers wouldnt be able to stop the pain, but she hopes that it would lessen it. Even if he was to find her nosy, she couldnt act like she didnt care, like she didnt feel anything. She was not sure how he does that, but she just couldnt do that to him. Maybe shes just really in love with him, or maybe shes just really stupid. It doesnt matter because either way, she still loses. As much as she wanted to see herself through his eyes, she was happy that he held the box in his hands even though he didnt even turn around to look at her. Slowly walking away, Seulgi gulped hard. Why is it that she just couldnt get over him when they had nothing. It was stupid of her to be holding on, but she just couldnt help herself. She really missed those days where they used to talk everyday and she often wonders if those butterflies in his stomach are still alive, because hers are. Till the staircase door closed then Kai allowed himself to look at the crumpled box in his hands, tears blurring his vision. Just because they didnt talk, didnt mean that he doesnt think about her. He was just trying to distance himself because he knows he cant have her. God knows how he was dying to pull her into a hug and pressed her into his body earlier but he controlled. For years, he had been dying to do that, to hug her and to whisper sweet nothings to her just so he could see that breadth-taking smile of hers. But no, he cant. She doesnt deserve someone like him so please let her forget him soon. If things didnt happen 2 years ago, maybe they would be very happy together. Busking in the happiness of love, enjoying the thrills of late night dating like his group members and their girlfriends. Now, he could only accept the fact that she

has to stay in his heart but not in his life, just like how they are meant to fall in love with each other but not be with one another. Keeping the box of medicine safely in his bag, Kai wiped the corner of his eyes as he made his way down the steps. He hoped that she would never come to know that he loves her despite not being together. Even though he will never get to laugh with her, cry with her, or kiss her, he still loves her with all his heart. He could only pray that maybe one day Seulgi and him will meet again when they are different people. Maybe someday they will be two people meeting again for the first time. Maybe then they will be better for each other. Maybe.

Chapter 3 Entry #003

I bumped into you on the street 10 years later, I said hi, and you said hi back. I asked you how your life is and you told me about your husband and your kids. And when you do, it will break my heart. Not because I dont want you to be happy but

because thats all I wanted 10 years ago.

I pictured somebody else asking how your life is and you would tell them about me. 10th August 2014

Kai walked around the gift shop aimlessly, waiting for the rest of the members to finish their ride so he could join the pack. His hurting waist forbade him from taking the ride so the others went ahead without him. He could hear fans screaming his name outside, he turned around and bowed at the LA fans politely before roaming deeper into the shop where they wouldnt be able to see him. He remembered himself promising the fans that as long as there is one person is a fan of him, he want to always be Exos Kai. But right now, he just wanted to be Jongin. Reaching out for the familiar soft toy that caught his eyes, he held it carefully in his hand. Waves of nostalgia hit him as he fell into a complete daze. Why do you like Winnie-the-pooh so much? Jongin asked the girl as he sat on her bed that was filled with the soft toy of different sizes. He wonders where does she sleep when they took up almost half of her bed. Because they are cute. Seulgi picked out her favourite pooh bear and hugged it tightly. I like cute things. Oh? Does that mean Im cute? He snatched the soft toy from her playfully and beamed at her hopefully, his heart pounding rapidly as he waited for her answer. Hitting him playfully, Seulgi made a face at him before taking another pooh bear to hug it. Did I say that I like you? You dont? I dont. You sure? Im sure.

Looking away, Jongin pretended to put her soft toy back on the bed so she couldnt see his disappointed face. His heart felt as though it was shattering. Bracing himself, he turned back to her with a smile. I see. For you. Seulgi passed him the biggest pooh bear she had. Why are you giving it to me? Its yours, just keep it. Im sure if you look at it everyday, you will fall in love with its cuteness too. She sang chirpily, pushing the bear into his embrace. And who says Im giving it to you? Im loaning alright? Loaning? Yeah. You need to return me with a bigger one next time. With a smile, she stuck out her pinkie. Promise? Just buy it. Looking onto his left, Kai saw his best friend standing beside him. Putting his hands around his shoulders, Kyungsoo patted his back encouragingly. Just buy it. Seulgi will like it. Kai shuddered at the mention of her name while bitterness lingered at his tongue. How he wished he had the courage to utter her beautiful name. Shaking his head, Kai stroke the soft toy gently with his thumb. He knows she would definitely like it, he hadnt doubt it. In fact, he had even pictured them having fun together the moment he stepped into Disneyland earlier. He just thinks about them a lot, even when them doesnt exist. It had become a habit. With a sad smile, he told him. I saw her yesterday. Did you talk to her? The mutual love that his best friend and the girl shares is hard to go unnoticed. They had always been very close since their trainee days, encouraging one another through the tough days as they worked towards their dream together. They were more than just best friends. To Kyungsoo, they are almost like soulmates who makes up each others shortcoming and compliments one anothers strengths. He could understand why Kai chose to push her away now, and he could also understand why he could not let her go either; for she had capture his heart for years now. All he could say is that fate is cruel. Nope. Kai shook his head and sighed, it is sad that how it is so much easier not to say anything at all yesterday. He hated himself for keeping silent but he knows he is doing it right. People always think that if they love somebody hard enough then everything is going to work out, but, people are wrong. She gave me painkillers though. She is still concerned about you Jongin.

If you get to talk to her, please help me tell her not to wait for me. Kai hung his head as he bit his lips. He pushes everyone around him away whenever they showed him concern, but in a way, he is doing them a favor. Especially Seulgi. Taken aback by his words, Kyungsoo squeezed his shoulders encouragingly. Im not in the position to tell her that. Thats cute! Are you going to buy that? Squeezing himself in between them, Sehun interrupted their deep conversation with his loud voice without noticing the serious atmosphere that was lingering between the two. His eyes arched into a beautiful crescent as he snatched the pooh bear away from Kai. Kai could feel Kyungsoos reprimanding gaze when he shook his head again, telling the youngest that he wasnt going to purchase the toy. Really? Sehun looked at the adorable soft toy in his hand that had a similar pair of innocent black eyes as hers, twinkling under the lights like how they caught his eyes the first time he saw her. It had been a while since he last saw her and he wonders if she was doing well. A beautiful smile hooked the inner corner of his lips as he stroked the soft toy lightly. If you are not buying it, I am!

Chapter 4 Entry #004

Family isnt always blood. Its the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you

smile and who love you no matter what. 12th August 2014 Laughters could be heard before Hyein and Jieun stepped into the house, and they knew instantly, hes back. Is Jongin back? Hyein pushed opened the door and asked excitedly, her brown eyes searching for the familiar figure. Kim Jongin! Hey noona, The man with the same pair of brown eyes beamed back at her, as usual, the smile didnt quite reached his eyes. Kkamjong! The young lady ran over and threw her arms around him, Your dogs vet fees are 200 bucks. Pay me now. Yah Hyein! Your brother just came home and you are asking him for money. What kind of sister are you? The oldest among all the 3, Saein, scolded. A marvelous one. One that brings cleans his dogs shit, brings his dogs for a walk and bring them to the vet! Alright alright. I will pay you. Kai pulled out his wallet from his back pocket and passed his sister the money, his eyes then trailed to the figure who had been standing at a corner for quite some time. It had been quite some time since he last saw her. Instantly, his eyes darkened as the suffocated feeling rose up his chest again. However, he managed to gather up his voice and choke out. Hello. Hello. Jieun nodded at him politely and the living room fell silent. She shuffled her feet nervously, unsure of what to do, she knew he didnt like her presence there. His face tells it all. From Jongins eyes, she knows that he doesnt like her so she doesnt want to talk to him unless he approached her first. I will go up and wash up. Escaping from the living room, Jieun closed her room door behind her and she let out the breadth she had unknowingly been holding. The best thing about her bedroom is her bed. She likes to stay in bed for hours, even during the day, with covers pulled up to her chin. Its good to be in there, nothing ever occurred in there, no people, nothing. She craves space. It charges her batteries and helps her breathe. Being around people is exhausting especially for people like her who dont have any friends

and a social life. Shes left looking at things, not doing things. Theres a weird freedom in not having people treat her like shes part of society or where she has to fulfill social relationships. In her life, the only thing she had that could allow her to pour her unhappiness and worries without feeling like a burden is her diary. She writes in her diary everyday ever since she stepped into the Kim household. It had become her daily habit and escape. So much had happened in her life, and to Jieun, its good to live it again and get some distance from it. She doesnt want her life to be in a muddle or like on a merry-go-round again. Just as she picked up her pen, ready to write her first entry of the day, a soft knock on her door interrupted her. Its time for dinner Eun. A middle aged lady told her kindly. Alright Aunt Kim, coming right down. She gave her a small smile and closed her diary, taking her aunts arms she went down to the dining table, taking the furthest end; away from him. She slowly tucked into dinner, as she listened to the family exchanged updates about their lives. The usual quiet dinner was filled with the elders laughters and it was clearly because of his return back home that made them this happy. Jieun listened to the Kim family update each other about their lives, with mostly Hyein talking about her newly enrolled universitys orientation. She remained silent and kept her eyes on the dishes in front of her, afraid to look up. She was afraid that her eyes would betray her feelings, telling everyone that she is envious of her cousins attending school, having friends and definitely a proper social life. That cant happen, she owed the Kim family too much and this was definitely not something she should ask for. She should be happy that she got to live again. Jieun, is everything okay? Aunt Kim asked her worriedly. You didnt talk at all. Nodding her head, Jieun swallowed her food and smiled, lowering her head almost right after. She knows she can never become a part of the Kim family but she also cant get past that feeling that she doesnt belong. Its a weird combination of feelings thats happening at the same time. Im done. I will go up first. Giving a bow, Jieun excused and locked herself in her room. She could hear Hyeins joyous laughter and it made her smile. She loves her cousins and she really hoped that her uncle and aunt could enjoy her childrens company since Jongin is finally back home. She didnt want to disturb and impose on them. Hello, Im back. The 22 year-old girl ran her fingers over the cover of her diary and whispered to her one and only friend. Picking up her pen, she started writing down the things she did for the day and how her day went. Not forgetting to also write down the things she cant say. Halfway through, her eyes landed on a box

of muscle relaxant cream that she bought a few days ago. Standing up, she took it along with her till she reached his door and she placed it outside before returning back to her room. Unlike him, Jieun couldnt do it. She couldnt walk away when she knows that he is suffering in pain. Because when she loves someone, she get involves. She get so involve in their pain that it becomes her pain. She gets so involved to the point where theres no getting uninvolved because thats what love is, and thats what family is. And Jongin is part of the family she is left with.

Chapter 5 Entry #005

There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. Youd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists. But more often

than not, its the exact opposite.

You see the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists.. well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the

ground. 14th August 2014

Moving the cursor over the play button, Jiyong listened to the track intently. Frustration could be heard from the low hisses he is making as he highlighted a certain part of the track on the computer screen and hit the delete button. He straightened himself up despite his eyes that were sore and red from staring at the computer screen for more than 12 hours, he had to get a track out in the market within this month but he just couldnt produce one that he likes. A single that G-dragon produces can earn him almost half a million, he desperately needs that sum of money so he can find other methods to look for Haewon. He had spent the last bit of his savings he had on hiring the world best private investigators the last time. Everyone in YG chipped in in the costly search, including their CEO, pinning their every hope but it failed them terribly. According to them, Haewon simply didnt exist in this world. The only data they had was up till 2012, before she went missing. The results were beyond ridiculous, how could someone just disappear from earth overnight? However, there is no way he would give up just like that. The reason why he is trying so hard, is because he hopes that life would make a change. He needed her to come back. People say time heals all, but without her by his side, time stands still. Hitting the delete button again, Jiyong threw his headphones on the table and rubbed his face tiredly. He stood up from the chair and he saw her, sprawled on the sofa behind him with her books around her, beaming at him with his favourite smile. Whats wrong? Haewon stood up and walked towards him, leaning her chin on his shoulders and wrapping him up in her arms. Im stuck. Uurgh. Jiyong groaned as he rubbed his tired eyes. However, when he turned around to see her, his tiredness disappeared instantly. He pulled her around, and placed her on his lap so he could hug her better. Snuggling into her shoulders, he whined. The track sounds weird no matter how many times I listen to it. I dont want to do it anymore.

Rubbing his hands around her waist gently, Haewon hoaxed. Play it. Maybe the genius can help you. Jiyong grabbed the earphones and put it over her, playing the track he had made. He watched the girl listened to it intently without any expressions till the song ended. Just like he expected, Haewon replied, Yeah it sounds weird. Damnnnn. Jiyong closed his eyes tiredly and leaned on her shoulders, Its weird somewhere but I cant really find exactly the part that is weird. And I feel like adding a stronger bass. Aaah! So frustrating! Ji. Haewon nudged him, Delete the 2nd verse, loop the 1st quarter. Add in the bass at the last quarter. Her words made Jiyong sprang up right away. The gaze in his eyes changed into a serious one. With Haewon in his lap, his left fingers move around the keyboard frantically, as his right clicked on the mouse rapidly. He has a good feeling about it when he hit the play button and he is right. The song is barely into the first chorus and he found himself humming to the rhythm while Haewon started bobbing her head to the beat while they looked into each others eyes. They knew instantly that they both love the song. Seriously Wonnie, you are the reason behind G-dragons success you know that? Jiyong turned her around and pinched her cheeks hardly, his girlfriend has manage to help him produce another piece of music that will be a hit in the industry again. Aaaah! Haewon screamed in pain as she reached for his cheeks, pinching them as hard as he did to her. Of course! I gave you that name! Yeah yeah. Jiyong chuckled at her adorableness before stroking her cheeks and leaned in for a kiss. Thank you so much. Youre welcome GD-ssi. Haewon giggled and returned his kiss. The couple kept smiling and kissing one another, totally immersed in their own world. Ehem. This is a recording studio, not a motel kids. Haewon and Jiyong pulled away in shock as they turned to the door to see the daddy of the company, Yang Hyun Seok closing the recording studios door behind him.

Hello boss! Jiyong saluted playfully while Haewon copied after him, saluting the man with a cheeky smile. Boss, you think too little of Kwon Jiyong. Why will I go to a motel when I can go to a hotel? Or when we can just do it in our mansion. Right Wonnie? So you are trying to flaunt your wealth now? Yang Hyun Seok asked them with a fatherly smile, Haewon, since when did you become like this? Thats just him Daddy Yang. Haewon corrected the man, If I were really really ridiculously wealthy, I wouldnt buy a mansion. I will just buy tiny apartments in every city I love. Heard that Jiyong? Your girlfriend is hinting you. Yah, Cha Haewon. You are telling me this after I bought a 10M mansion for us? Jiyong pretended to ask in disbelief, but his arms around her waist remained as tight, preventing her from falling. You will earn that sum of money back anyway. Haewon turned her back on him as she pointed to the computer screen. This song will be a hit for sure. Oh? A new song? Yang Hyun Seok asked. Yeah, listen to it. Jiyong played the music and before it reached the chorus, their CEO was also tapping his feet to the song already. Definitely a hit. He agreed almost right away. Raising Haewons hands, Jiyong declared proudly. Its Haewon who did it! Why am I not surprised? The man leaned back in the sofa with a proud smile, the girl before him has the looks and talent. Not only can she sing and dance as well as her boyfriend, she can produce songs better than him too. If she ever debuts, she is the next big thing in the industry. When are you going to accept the artist contract I offered huh? Is YG contract that bad to you? Hahahah. Haewon laughed at the older mans sacarsm as she shook her head, I dont have to debut to help YG. Looking into Jiyongs eyes, she beamed, I belong to the YG family already anyway. Through her black eyes, Jiyong saw himself in her eyes, he was smiling so happily and blissfully. He reached out to caress her cheeks, telling her how much he loves her through his gentle touches. Contracting his hand, he ran his thumb over his own hands. Now, he has to stop. Because every time he remembers this, he has to cry a little by himself. He

doesnt know why something that made him so happy then feels so sad now. Maybe that is the way it is with memories. Her touch and her skin, where should he begin? No words can explain the way he is missing her. Tonight, this emptiness, this hole that he is inside, these tears, they fall with each memory he shared with her. Where are you Haewon? Jiyong picked up his phone and dialed a chain of numbers that he had memorized at the tip of his fingertips, as usual, it was sent to her voicemail. and Im so sorry I cannot sleep. I cannot dream tonight. Whats the point of sleeping when Im not dreaming of you anyway? Oh memories, they cut him like knives.

Chapter 6 Entry #006

There are things no one knows; things that I will never feel comfortable telling anyone. And you may think I tell you everything

But I dont, not even close.

You know nothing. 16th August 2014 I told you 2 weeks ago Hyein. I know! But Im really sorry Unnie, my class organized the gathering at the very last minute. Cant you look after her for 2 hours? But its just a gathering! Saein raised her voice slightly as she leaned on the kitchen cabinet, You expect me to be absent from my mother-in-laws birthday dinner instead? Its not just a gathering! Its an important gathering! You know how important making friends are especially when Im studying in a business course now? Hyein argued. Just 2 hours unnie. Hyein. Taking in a deep breadth, Saein ran her hands through her hair in frustration. Its very unfair to me you know that? Its unfair to me too! Hyein replied her agitatedly, I had been missing my gatherings because I have to come back and babysit her! Do you all know how I feel? Then do you know how I feel that I have to be absent from my mother-in-laws birthday dinner?! Saein scolded her back, however, the younger just looked at their mother who had been cooking silently throughout their argument. She was long used to such arguments, it was getting more frequently recently and she couldnt take sides, both of them are her daughters. And dont even look at Omma. She needs to bring Appa to hospital for check-up tomorrow. But.. she can bring her along! Are you crazy?! What if she meets someone she knows in the hospital?! She wont unnie! We are being overly paranoid! Im sure

Oh Jongin-ah! Grabbing Hyeins wrist, Saein straightened up when she saw her brother approaching the kitchen, flashing him a smile as though nothing happened. What are you arguing about? I can hear you guys fighting from the living room. Kai asked lowly as he stepped into the kitchen. Erm Hyein swallowed hard, afraid that her brother might have heard the entire conversation earlier. That was the last thing she wanted. We What else can they fight about? His mother interrupted her in time, Scramble eggs or Omelette of course. Nodding her head, Saein tightened her grip on Hyeins hand and the girl followed to nod her head as well. A small sigh of relief escaped their lips as they looked at one another. At times like this, they were the most cooperative with one another. Well, I think we need to have hard boiled eggs instead. Sehun is here for dinner. The boy didnt doubt his mothers words, he believed her with his heart and soul. Its the guests favourite. Okay. Go out and accompany Sehun then, Jongin. Its not nice to leave your guest alone. Kais mother successfully chased her son out of the kitchen and upon seeing him leave, the atmosphere between the Kim sisters turned bad once again. You know what? I think I will just not go for my gathering. Hyein sighed and gave in. Her elder sister was right any way, it wasnt fair for her to be absent for her mother-in-laws birthday dinner when she already told her to look after Jieun 2 weeks ago. Although she is upset and angry that she cannot go out with her friends, there was nothing she could do anyway. This had been the case for the past 2 years so she could only give the class gathering a miss once again. Im sorry Hyein. I promise to help you look after the next time round so you can go for your gathering alright? Saein gave her younger sister a hug and patted her back. I know this isnt fair to any of us, but its for Jongin. Lets sacrifice a little for him uhm? Nodding her head, Hyein could only swallow unhappiness, hoping that it would not chew on her. Mrs Kim on the other hand, turned around to see her 2 daughters hugging one another and she joined them. She knew it is hard on both of them, but it is hard on her too. But they had no choice. They could only help Jongin in this manner, no other. Patting Hyeins head, she reminded them, We are a family and we need to help Jongin. -

Sehun craned his neck towards the kitchen, hoping to see the figure he hadnt seen in a long time. Very much to his disappointment, Kai walked out instead. He was quite sure that she was at home since the entire Kim family was home; they never let her go out on her own anyway. How come I dont see Jieun at all? Sehun leaned back in the couch and pretended to ask casually, Is she cooking in the kitchen? Taking a seat beside him, Kai shrugged his shoulders indifferently. No, shes not there. I dont know where is she. How can you not know? Sehun furrowed his eyebrows, slightly annoyed at how lack of concern he was towards her. If it wasnt for him, Jieun wouldnt be like this today, how could he still be so guilt-free about it? You are supposed to be responsible for her! I dont need you to remind you alright?! Kai snapped at the younger, the last thing he needed was someone to remind him about the issue. Just because he didnt talk about it, didnt mean that he forgot about it. There are just some things that he will never talk about. The pain, or perhaps the memory itself, is too fragile and will never be strong enough to be vocalized. People like Sehun may see his suffering, but he will never hear of it beyond what he is willing to show. Stop fucking running away from it Kai. Be a man and face it! Sehun rolled his eyes and spat. Everyday, for the past 2 years, he watched Kai numbed himself with dance and with work. Everything he did was done without any soul or passion that it hurts him to see him in this state. However, his ability to empathise and pity him had reached its limit. There wasnt any room to tolerate it anymore. It became something he despised him of, because he is too weak to stand on his feet again. There is not one person in this world who is not cripplingly sad about something. Stop thinking that you are the only one suffering here and stop behaving like a walking dead! Running away? Kai had tried to run away from the issue but he had never gotten anywhere. No matter what he did, or who he spoke to, they never stop reminding about the mistake he did. How he wished he could run away, how he wished everything were as easy as Sehun said. Yeah, because sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like its caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they dont want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death. Saying I dont want to exist isnt saying I want to die. Its saying I wish that, for the time being, I could go somewhere and not have to feel. I dont think there is anything wrong with that. And if you dont know how it feels this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does. With that, Kai stood up from the sofa and head to his room.

He had promised himself to never stay anywhere hes not very much wanted. He has too many scars to be breaking his bones to fit into places that werent made to fit him. Jieun is in her room. Saein broke the awkward silence that lingered in the living room after Kai left. She overheard every single thing the 2 younger men conversed earlier. Now she knew why Sehun was here. She remembered the boy coming to Kamong alone after coming back from their L.A concert. However, he left almost right away after looking around. That day was the day Hyein brought Jieun for her yearly checkup. I will go and look for her then. Sehun got up from the sofa, grabbing the bag in his hand as he headed towards her room. He couldnt be bothered with the argument he had with Kai. To him, there is no one capable of saving him except himself. Since he wished to drown and die, he would gladly let him. He could wallow on his own pain for as long as he wanted, as long as the girl in the room is not involved. Come in. His angry thoughts were soon broken by her lovely voice. Oh hello Sehun! Jieun looked up from her table to see the blonde male entering her room. The last time she saw him, his hair was green in colour. With a pleasant smile, she praised. You look nice in blonde. Oh really? Sehun touched his hair shyly as he stood in her room awkwardly, unsure of where should he placed himself. The paper bag in his hand was carefully hidden behind his back. You think I look nice in blonde? Yeah. Jieun nodded her head happily. Sehun was the only Exo member who talks to her the most. The others seemed to keep their distance, or look at her the same way Jongin always do. Since they didnt like her, she doesnt want to upset them further by going near them. As for Sehun, he is the only one she could call her friend because he treats her like one too, telling her what is going on in his life like how she would tell her diary about it. He doesnt avoid her, and he doesnt look at her that way. Better than green though. Right. Sehun nodded, You called me a broccoli. Hahaha. Because you looked like one! I had pink hair a few days ago, I wanted to show you that before I dye it blonde but you werent at Kamong when I went there. Sehun took the initiative and sat on the floor beside her bed, which Jieun followed, sitting opposite him with her legs crossed. Ahhh.. I went for my checkup.

How did it go? He asked earnestly, but a small part of him hopes for a piece of bad news; he wished for her to stay as Kais cousin forever. Then, he can forever be Kim Jieuns only friend. Doctor said the chances are very low. It would be a miracle in the medical world if I ever regain my memory.

Chapter 7 Entry #007

Sometimes you want to remember.

And sometimes, you need to forget. 16th August 2014

Doctor said the chances are very low. It would be a miracle in the medical world if I ever regain my memory. Jieuns voice sounded incredibly cheery when she said that, and guilt started to eat him once again, making him feel worst than before. Initially, Kai simply felt bad for snapping at Sehun earlier and leaving him at the living room alone. Just as he was about to go down to look for him, he overheard the dreadful conversation between Sehun and Jieun. He couldnt believe that Jieun was actually happy about it. That moment, he swore it felt like life had thrown a pie right in his face and that pie was full of bricks, it fucking hurts; Jieun will never remember anything afterall. He would most probably be stuck with her for the rest of his life. Slowly walking back to his room, his feet kicked on a box outside his door. He picked it up, and staggered back into his room helplessly, placing the nth box of muscle relaxant on his studying table with the many others. He knew it was from her and he knows she is nice but he couldnt help to feel the way he is feeling. Everytime he looks at her, he feels terribly tired. The sight of her alone brings back thousands of memories that he doesnt want to remember. That suffocation in his chest chokes him, making him feel like dying than to lead such a life. How he wished he could be the one losing his memories instead. Then maybe, he wouldnt be suffering so badly now. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Kai pulled out a box from underneath his bed. With his shaking hands, he opened the box, and tears blurred his vision right away. Opening that box is like releasing a part of his memory he had locked deep within him because he doesnt want to remember any of it. Despite the blurry image, he could still a plain white dress that was stained with blood despite being washed many times already. Beside it sat a pink wallet and a phone with its screen cracked into many pieces, like his heart. With his shivering hands, he switched on the phone and the phone came to life almost immediately, vibration could be heard in his silent room alongside with his sniffs. [New text message/3.16am]

Im drunk and I know I told you I wont drink anymore. Im sorry. [New text message/8.07am] Are you up? I miss you. [New text message/8.09am] A lot. [New text message/12.09pm] I wish you were here. [New text message/7.34pm] I cant make music without your help.. [New text message/12.22am] I need you. Please call me back. Tears fall as Kai read every single message that was being sent to the broken phone. In the background he could see a picture of a guy and girl hugging one another, the guy had his face buried in her shoulders but one could still his wide gummy smile with their interlinked hands. Once again, he felt suffocated as he pressed his hand on his chest, catching his breadth with his tears falling to the wooden floor like raindrops. Im sorry Kai mumbled as the phone kept vibrating, sending messages to the intended recipient. He wasnt alone afterall, he wasnt the only one who didnt feel like living in this sickening world. He could understand how much that person wanted to hear the voice of the person he loves, for he could still hear Seulgis smile over the phone. I cant wait to see you later. Seulgis voice was as silvery as he last remembered. Despite 2 years had passed, he could still remember how excited she sounded over the phone then. Now, everything had become a painful memory that he couldnt afford to reminisce anymore Me too. I cant wait to see you. Kai pressed his phone in his ear as he checked himself in the reflection, adjusting his shirt. A satisfied grin plastered on his boyish face. I have something to tell you later. Really? What is it? I will tell you later when I see you. Grabbing his car keys, he headed out of the door. See you later Seul.

See you Jong. Kai boarded the car he borrowed from his manager after much begging, he was all already. Checking his reflection against the rearview mirror for the last time, he stepped on his right gear as he whistled and drove down the empty streets of Seoul. Despite having his debut performance less than 4 hours away, he managed to squeeze out some time to spend it with his favourite girl. Today, April 8th will definitely be his best day in his life because not only will he officially debut as Exo Ks Kai but he would also make her officially his. But he was so wrong, Right after he made a left turn into the main-street, the green light turned orange, signaling him to prepare to stop. Glancing at the analog clock, he was half an hour ahead of Seulgi and his meeting time, but he wanted to reach the place as fast as he could to prepare for his surprise for her. His heart was already fluttering at the thought of her saying yes. All he could see was her smiling back at him as they hugged at their usual dating spot, maybe if the moment was right, he could kiss her too. With that, he subconsciously increased the pressure on his right footing till a loud bang brought him back to reality. When he finally grasped what happened, all he saw was a girl laying motionlessly a few metres ahead. In the empty street of Seoul, the driver of the accident stood by a girl who laid in a pool of blood, his hands trembling in fear as he picked up his phone and called for help. Then, everything afterwards happened in a flash that he could barely register. He watched how the girl was being reeled into the ambulance and his manager drove him from the accident site to the hospital afterwards as they waited outside the operating theatre in silence; totally forgetting about how Seulgi was waiting for him by the Han River. He only remembered how badly his hand was stained with the girls blood then, and no matter how many times he washed them, his hands still remained bloody red; even till this day. The management screamed at him for the mess they had to clean up for him. If it wasnt that he was going to debut that afternoon, they would have terminated his contract right away. With that, they had no choice but to pay the paramedics and hospital staffs for them to seal their lips as they left for his debut stage, leaving the girl to fight for her life in the intensive care unit alone. The fear and guilt that ate the innocent 18-year old boy made him cry and cry, till he was all empty. Since then, he went for music shows, interviews and photoshoots soullessly, it seemed like it had become a habit since then. The dream he worked so hard for for the past few years, disappeared overnight; he lost the motivation and ability to enjoy performing. And when the girl was finally awake after 2 weeks coma, he walked into her ward with his manager in front of him, to see the girl he nearly killed for the first time. He was glad that she was finally awake.

Are you all Cha Haewons family members? The doctor turned around to ask after checking the girl. Kai couldnt bring himself to nod or shake his head, his entire body was numbed as he stood there. He could only stare at the girl who was blinking her eyes at him. Fear started to enshroud him as he was afraid that she might recognize him as the driver who knocked her down. Yeah we are. Seeing that Kai has no respond, his manager took the initiative to answer for him. The patient is out of her critical period, but we will keep her in the intensive care unit for further observation. Thank you doctor. But.. The doctor looked at the two men seriously, Im afraid the impact of the accident had caused her to lost part of her memory. We are not sure the extent of the damage yet but we will keep observing. Do you really not remember anything? Kai finally found his voice and asked the girl who was laying on the bed. She was still blinking her eyes innocently at him. Who are you? The girl opened her voice for the first time. Do you remember what happened? The manager asked her back worriedly. For him, it would be better if she forgets everything; including the accident. It would be the best if she doesnt remember anything for the rest of this life. Then, both Exo and Kai would be save. Or, he would be in deep trouble. Shaking her head, the girl stared at them blankly. I.. dont even remember whats my name. Oh my god.. Kai gasped but he was hushed by his manager right away. The older turned around and warned him lowly, Keep your mouth shut while I clean your ass for you. Walking closer to the girl, Kais manager smiled warmly as he sat on her bed and took her hand in his. Your name is Kim Jieun. You are Jieun. Pointing towards Kai, his manager continued. And you are Kim Jongins distant cousin.

Chapter 8 Entry #008

I once heard that if a crush lasts longer than 4 months then youre in love.

So what happens when Ive been infatuated with you for 24 months? Have I fallen in love with you 6 times or have I simply wasted 2 years, 24 months, 96 months and

730 days? 16th August 2014

Doctor said the chances are very low. It would be a miracle in the medical world if I ever regain my memory. Jieun smiled at the blonde male before her as memories of what happened 2 years ago flashed past her. She remembered waking up in the hospital, with a hurting and empty head. No matter how she tried to recall what caused her to land up in a hospital, she couldnt. Her mind was blank. When the doctors and nurses asked her for her name, she could only open her mouth; unable to utter a single word. She couldnt even remember her name. She panicked, it was beyond scary to have her mind as blank as a piece of white paper. She started crying, screaming, kicking around despite her hurting head. If it wasnt the doctors who injected her to calm her down, Aunt Kim told her that she would probably have ended her own life by attempting to jump down the window. Till 2 men entered her ward afterwards, one after another, then she knew how lucky she was to be alive. And from then she never wished to die ever again. Namjoon Oppa told her her name, and he even introduced her only family member to her; Jongin. Then he answered all her questions she had been asking in her head but failed to come out with an answer with. You are the only survivor from the fire Jieun. Namjoon Oppa told her as he held her hand tightly, You jumped down from your room from the second floor during the fire but you hit your head onto the statue that was on the ground level when you jumped down. The doctor said that the impact caused you to forget your memories. Dont worry, we will pay for the best doctor to heal you! You will remember everything in no time! Im the only survivor? Jieun asked softly. Who.. died? Your.. parents didnt manage to make it out in time. Im sorry.

Staring into space, Jieun tried to piece up the information Namjoon just told her. Her mind was as hollow as ever and she found herself unable to weep for her parents death. She didnt even feel sad at all. It was as though they were total strangers to her and that their death didnt concern her. In her mind, there were zero memories of them. She had forgotten how they looked and sounded. Even till this day, she hadnt seen how her parents look like. All the photos her family took were burnt along with her parents. She only heard from Aunt Kim that her father and Jongins father are distant cousins and they had only seen each other a few times before the accident. As her family used to be rich and arrogant and also hostile towards the other cousins, none of the other Kim family wanted to take her in after the accident happened. They were all mocking about their downfall, saying that it was retribution. When Jongins father knew about it, he took her in right away, sending Jongin and Namjoon to check on her right away. Aunt Kim told her that they pitied her, and that she was their niece afterall so they couldnt watch her suffer like this. And so since then, she started staying with the Kim family. They gave her a roof over her head, clothes to keep her warm and food to fill her stomach when they could have chosen to mock her like her other cousins did; but they didnt. Saein and Hyein took turns to look after her, and the oldest among all even let her help out in Kamong to kill her time. Aunt and Uncle Kim would always bring her to the hospital for checkup, unwilling to leave her alone for a moment. Jieun knows that they were worried about her and she is nothing but trouble because they have to constantly watch after her. Feeling guilty about it, the 22-year old girl hoped that someday she could repay their kindness for the things they had done for her. Even if she didnt get to attend university like Hyein, she is satisfied. Uncle Kim, Aunt Kim, Saein and Hyein, they are her life saviours. Without them, there would be no Kim Jieun today. She owes them a lifetime. They gave her more than she could ask for and she really shouldnt ask for anything more. As for Jongin, she was sure he didnt like her family back then. But, she would still repay his kindness for he is part of the Kim family. Aunt Kim said that its probably a blessing in disguise that I dont remember anything. Jieun told Sehun softly as she recalled what the older lady told her the other day, They said the fire was really horrible that it burnt my house entirely, leaving only debris behind. Since Im given a second chance to live again, I promised Aunt Kim that I will treasure it. Its true. Sehun nodded at her, What you dont know wouldnt hurt you. I guess thats why everyone in the Kim family refuses to mention anything about my family. I think we must be really mean back then.

Smiling at her, Sehun avoided her earnest eyes; it made him feel guilty but he was really glad that she couldnt remember anything. At least she could be Jieun, the Jieun that only has him as the only friend. And that he gets to sit next to her like this doing absolutely nothing. It means absolutely everything to him. I just came back from LA by the way. Sehun changed the topic. I know. I heard from Aunt Kim talking to Saein and Hyein Unnie about Jongins whereabouts. We went to Disneyland and.. erm.. Sehun pulled out the paperbag behind him and passed it to her. I bought you a little something. For me? Jieun asked excitedly and he nodded. Unwrapping the present immediately, Jieuns smile spread across her beautiful face when the Winnie-the-pooh plushtoy came into sight. And that moment, Sehun swore to god, that moment, the colour of her eyes made him forget that the world is round. He had never seen anyone who has such captivating eyes. Oh my god! Thank you!! Hugging the bear in her arms, Jieun buried her face into it right away. This was the first present she ever received in 2 years after her reborn. She doesnt even know when is her birthday so she hasnt received any present ever since the incident. Sehun could feel the happiness radiating off her and it made him happy too. He wondered how could a simple present make her this happy and he made a mental note to surprise her more often with gifts. You like it? He asked as he continued to stare at her with his warm gaze. Often than not, there is never a time a place for true love. It often happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment. And right there, right then, Jieun turned the bear around and put it beside her face as she flashed Sehun a smile that made him forgotten to breathe for a moment. Of course! I love it! Thank you Sehun! I will hug it to sleep every night! That moment, Sehun cannot make Jieun understand. He cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside him. He cannot even explain it himself. Because Oh Sehun wants to be more than just Kim Jieuns only friend.

Chapter 9 Memory #001

One smile can start a friendship. One word can end a fight. One look can save a relationship. One person can change your life.

8th January 2007 Forth room on the right First.. second.. third.. forth. A 15 year old girl mumbled as she peaked into the room that had music blasting, This must be it. Haewons black eyes scanned the room and immediately, she spotted a boy that was standing nearest to the dance instructor, giving his all learning the dance that the instructor was teaching. His serious face made her smile, she had never seen this side of her brother before. If her parents were here, they would be so proud seeing this rare side of him. Who are you? A voice interrupted her and she tore her eyes away from her brother to the owner of the voice. In front of her stood another boy that was probably around the same age as her brother, but her brother was more good looking than him for sure. Are you a trainee here? Haewon ignored his question, Can you get Cha Kiwon out for me? Cha Kiwon? The 19-year old boy squinted his eyes and raised his brows questioningly. He had never seen this girl before, was she a new trainee? He had been here for a few years already, there was no trainee he didn't know. Why are you looking for him? Im here to send my brother lunch. The girl answered innocently, her black eyes peering into his. Oh? I didnt know Kiwon has such a beautiful sister! Giving her his signature gummy smile, Jiyong instinctively ruffled her hair. He didnt know why he did that, he just felt like doing it and he didnt regret, her hair was soft and it felt nice on his fingertips. Tsk. Haewon smacked his hand away as she pouted and adjusted her hair back in place. She hated it when people mess up her hair, even her brother wasnt allowed to do that. Who was he to touch her hair? Wonnie? Just then, the door beside them was pulled open and 19-year old Kiwon walked out with sweat dripping from his hair.

Upon seeing her brother, Haewons face lit up immediately. The annoyed pout was replaced by her cheery smile. Oppa! Yah.. what are you doing here? The boy asked her sister, feeling surprised that her lazy-ass sister actually appeared at his training place. Omma asked me to send you lunch! She turned around and showed her brother the huge backpack she was carrying. My oh my. You actually sent me lunch? I think I am going to buy lottery tonight. Definitely going to strike first prize man. Kiwon took the bagback from her as he told her sister in a voice filled with sacarsm. Whatever. Haewon rolled her eyes, Omma said I can go out with my friends this weekend if I send it here. Shrugging her shoulders, she told her brother plainly. Its such a good deal. Why not right? Then can you bring me along? Leaning against the doorframe, Jiyong smiled and asked the girl. He had been watching the siblings communicate all this while. Other than the striking resemblance that both of them are very good looking, the girl was definitely more expressive than his emotionless best friend. From the short conversation, he watched how the girl rolled her big black eyes to how she scrunched her nose when she shrugged her shoulders. She showed so many different expressions that it made Jiyong wonder if she had more sides to those he had seen. I think you will need someone to protect you. You are too beautiful to be roaming around the streets. Tch. Haewon scoffed at the guys flirtatious comment. It was so not smooth that she was cringing. The boys in her school could do a much better job. Blessed with a good look and model-like body, her brother and her could be considered as one of the few popular kids in school with tons of people crushing on them. So to the 15-year old girl, Jiyongs flirting was nothing to her. Hahaha. My sister just tch you Jiyong. Kiwon punched his chest playfully/ Putting his arms around her sister protectively, he led her away from the other boy. Ignore him. He flirts with every single female being in this building. Even the admin outside. Heyy cmon, you got to admit that flirting works. Or else how can we practice till so late? Jiyong ran after the siblings as they made their way to their canteen. Whatever. Just leave my sister out out of your claws. Oppa, you are not any better. Haewon poked into her brothers misery, You are a heartbreaker too. Need me to count the girls who cried when you turned them down for you?

Knocking her head with his knuckles, Kiwon took a seat opposite his sister. The trainee canteen was empty and they could find seats easily. Dont bring that up here. Fine. Haewon stuck out her tongue at him and looked away playfully without realizing that someone was staring at her with a very charming smile throughout. Oppa, why dont you eat here and still make mum send you lunch everyday? The food aint that bad. Nah, I prefer mums food. Kiwon replied her with a mouthful full of rice. Stealing from his ricebowl, Jiyong put a mouthful of rice with sidedishes into his mouth. His eyes widened as he chewed. Your mums food is nice! Nicer than the canteens. Can you pack for me the next time too? Why must I? Haewon didnt like the boy before her, he was weird. This was the first time she sees him and he acts like he had known her for a thousand years. But Im your brothers best friend! Jiyong fought back. So what? Kiwon laughed at her sisters indifference to Jiyong. Kwon Jiyong is a well-known smooth talker within the trainees, he can get all the girls swoon at his feet but he was proud that his sister wasnt one of them. Instead, she seemed to dislike his best friend. Well, at least she won't get her heartbroken by him. Jiyong, my sister is only 15, stop trying to get her. Shes still underage. Theres no age limit when it comes to love my friend. Jiyong winked at Haewon which caused the girl to roll her eyes at him in disgust. I got to go Oppa. So fast? Kiwon and Jiyong asked at the same time. Just that the latter was frowning when he saw how the beautiful girl before her stood up, preparing to take her leave. Gonna drop by the mall before going home. Dont tell Omma alright? She placed a finger in front of her lips, telling her brother to keep a secret and he nodded. Text me when you reach home alright? Stay safe. Alright, bye Oppa! Haewon bade her brother goodbye, ignoring the figure beside him. Jiyongs hand froze halfway when she turned her back on him just as he was about to wave her goodbye. His smile turning into a frown. Appalled by her actions, he caught up with her, blocking her way as he extended his hand. With his dazzling smile, he looked into her black eyes that were so clear and soulful. It felt like her eyes could talk, and if it really could, he was sure they would tell them really interesting stuff. And he was more than glad to listen to

them, for he had never seen those captivating eyes like hers before. I havent introduce myself. Im Jiyong. Kwon Jiyong but you can call me Ji. From now on, only you can call me by that name. Only you.

Chapter 10 Entry #009

I hate this feeling.

Like Im here but Im not. Like someone cares but they dont. Like I belong somewhere but I dont know where.

20th August 2014 Sitting in front of the glass window beside the cashier, Jieun watched how the passer-by outside Kamong walked on the pavement with whom she guessed it could be their friends, boyfriend or family. She likes to come up with her own stories about these strangers; what would they be doing afterwards or where had they been before this. Tearing her gaze away from the not very crowded street, she opened up the diary before her and picked up her pen to write. She found it really strange to think that shes just a background character in other peoples lives, someone they walk past while rushing to be somewhere or bump into on their way to get coffee. These people all have their own problems, insecurities and lives and she is not part of them. She doesnt know why but she just thinks about that a lot. She probably has too much time in her hand that she doesnt know how to spend them. She is not sad about the life she is leading now, but she is definitely not happy with it. She hates the feeling because she doesnt have any emotion. In this world, she is nothing. Her mind is spinning but she cant feel anything. Nobody will ever understand how she empty she feels. She doesnt have a dream and she is not being needed by anyone, she is merely alive because she is given another chance to live. She doesnt have any purpose or goal in life, and it worries her that what if 5 years from now she is still unhappy and empty all the time? Hi, excuse me? Before she could dwell on her thoughts further, someone called for her attention. Hello. How can I help you? Jieun hopped down her chair and approached the cashier with a smile. Is this caf really owned by Kais sister? A girl in her teens asked excitedly. Nodding her head, she replied. Yeah it is. Oh my god! This is so cool! Will Kai Oppa drop by? He does sometimes. It has to depend on your luck. Jieun replied like how she was taught by Saein but truth to be told, Kai has never drop by Kamong. Not that she knows of though, she has never seen him whenever she is working.

Okay! I shall wait then! Can I have an Ice-Americano? The girl made her payment and Jieun disappeared to brew her Ice-Americano. She could hear the girls loud, excited exclaimation when she saw some of Kais unseen photos that Saein used to decorate the coffeeshop. To her, she was used to these fangirls reaction. She had worked here for almost a year to see more exaggerated reactions. Saein walked out of the kitchen when she heard the loud commotion, thinking that her brother came but all she saw was Jieun climbing back to the high chair she always sat on and stared into space. A sigh escaped her lips upon seeing her like this. She feels sad for her that she was not given any freedom like any other 22 year old, but there was nothing she could do. As much as she was always the reason to Hyein and her quarrel, she could not bring herself to hate her in any way. The kind hearted girl always accompanies her parents when Hyein, Jongin or her are too busy with their lives, doing their filial piety responsibility on behalf for them. She had long regarded her as part Kim family, a younger sister that is the same age as her younger brother. Are those cakes for delivery? Jieun saw her from the glass windows reflection. I can deliver them for you. Shaking her head, Saein refused her offer. It was a common agreement in their family that they would never let her go anywhere alone, they couldnt risk her bumping into people she knew or the worst case scenario, to find out about the accident. They couldnt afford Jongin to be ruined after all those years of hard work he put in for this dream. Its going to rain, I will just get Yunwook to go instead. Can I follow... Picking up her phone before Jieun could finish her question, Saeins eyes widened before she hurriedly hung up the phone. What happen Unnie? My father-in-law fell down in the toilet. My mother-in-law said he cant get up on his own. Saein ran her hands through her hair as she called her husband but it was directed to the voicemail right away. Her fingers instinctively kept pressing the call button, she needed to get her husband, she was unable to leave and check on the elder but she was very worried about his fall. Unnie, why not you go to your in-laws place now? Jieun suggested, she could see her worriedness from her face. I will help you look after Kamong. I Saein swallowed her words. Jieun doesnt understand that she could not not be left alone, and she couldnt tell her. Calling her husband again, it was directed to voicemail just like the previous times. Biting her lowest lips, she made a decision. I will call Hyein to come and lock up. Stay in Kamong till Hyein comes okay?

Dont go anywhere alone. - [From: Saein Unnie] I have emergency to attend, can you look after Jieun today and close the shop? Please get her from Kamong as soon as possible. Shes alone and I dont feel safe. Whats with that big sigh? Hyein looked up from her phone in frustration and into the mirror before her to see her friend coming out from the toilets cubicle. Shaking her head, she locked her phone. Its nothing. She lied to her. None of her friends knew that she has a superstar brother, and none of them knew that she has a fake distant cousin. She couldnt afford to let people know about any of it. The more the people knows, the higher chance of it being exposed. We are going to club later. Are you coming? Her friend asked. Before she could decline her offer because she had to leave early once again, the other girl continued. Hyunjin is coming and he specifically asked me to bring you. He did? Hyein eyes widened at Hyunjins name, her heart beating frantically with just the thought of him. For 2 years, she bore a crush on him but they didnt have much interaction because she always skipped gatherings. All these years she thought that it had always been her one sided love but looks like shes wrong. Yeah, why will I lie to you. Her friend nudged her playfully, Seems like he is interested in you too, if not why will he asked me to bring you? Dont forget that its his birthday today.. you know what that means right? Blushing at the sentence, Hyein could already imagine them dancing and having fun in the club setting. Adrenaline rushed through her with the thought of it. Her crush turns out to like her too, and he wants her to be present for his birthday party. But everything seemed to crumble when she remembered the text that Saein sent. She didnt mind leaving to babysit Jieun but of all times, why must it be now? When things between Hyunjin and her could turn better, she had to forego it. She really wanted to go for his birthday party badlly. For 2 years she had been pushing away every gathering her friends held because she had to babysit Jieun. She couldnt even afford to date because she had no

time for it, all her friends are attached except her. She wants to fall madly in love too but she couldnt afford to. Why is it that Saein forever has emergency to attend? She already told her sister 2 weeks ago that she needed to attend this party yet Saein didnt keep her promise. She had been covering for her sister but why couldnt she help her just for this once? Why of all times, now? Looking into the reflection at herself, Hyein could see her own raging eyes. She deserved to have a life too, her life doesnt only revolve around Kim Jieun. Just because Saein always had emergency to attend to doesnt mean that she doesnt have too. Switching off her phone, Jieun threw her phone into her purse. Checking her appearance for the last time, she turned to her friend with an excited grin. Lets go!

Chapter 11 Entry #010

People do not die from suicide. They die from sadness. 21st August 2014

Hi, are you all still open? A passer pushed open the doors of Kamong and asked. Nodding her head sleepily, Jieun hopped off the chair and walked towards the counter. The analog clock beside the counter jumped to 4:00am, showing that it was way past her usual bedtime and Kamongs closing hour. Like what Saein instructed, she didnt go anywhere and stayed in the caf but Hyein was still nowhere in sight. Can I have a caf mocha please. Sure. As much as she was very tired, she didnt know how to say no to a customer who walked right through the doors of Kamong. She wondered if Saein had passed the message to Hyein successfully, or did Hyein forget about locking the doors? How she wished she could give them a call but she had no cellphone and the store has no phoneline. All she could do was to wait patiently for Hyein to come, believing that she would. Serving the cup of warm coffee to the lady before climbing up her chair once again, Jieun rested her head on her arms as her eyelid fought hard to stay open but she failed terribly; succumbing to the sleepiness that was drowning her right away. - Kai closed the door of his car behind him and made his way towards his escapism. He used to be able to numb himself behind the doors of SMs dance studio, but he could no longer. He could not afford to bump into Seulgi especially when he knows that she still loves him. He still couldnt accept the fact that things between them will never go back to how it used to be anymore. He refused to. The keys in his hands lead to the 2nd floor of his sisters caf where she had renovated the place into a private dance studio for him where he was the only one who had access. If it wasnt for her, there was nowhere else he could run to to hide now. His house lived the consequence of his mistake and his office held a future he had no access to.

However, he didnt know that the more he tried to run away from everything, the more he would have to face them. Or rather, her, because the moment he stepped foot into Kamong, he saw Jieun dozing off by the counter. The girl was sleeping so soundly that she didnt even stir when he opened the door. Walking near her, he observed her sleeping face. This was the only time he had the courage to look at her. His thoughts trailed back to the person who had been sending messages to her phone, he wondered if the person felt like dying too. He wondered if the person forced himself to get up like him, forced himself to put one foot before the other while crying and cursing at life because thats how he goes about the business of living. Thats how he survive everyday, theres no other way. Ji Kai gulped hard at her name, unable to let it roll out of his tongue. He had never called her by her name before and he found it difficult to. Using his hands, he gently tapped the girl to wake her up instead. Jongin? Jieun blinked her black eyes at him, looking straight into his like how she did when she first regained conscious and Kai looked away immediately. He had to do that because everytime he sees her face and hears her voice, his chest squeezes not with happiness and elation but with sadness and suffocation. The sight of her alone makes him guiltier than ever, that was why he chose to avoid her instead. Why are you here? Why are you here? Wheres Saein noona? Or Hyein Noona? Saein Unnies father-in-law fell down and she went back to visit him. Im waiting for Hyein Unnie to lock the door. Saein Unnie asked me not to go anywhere. Jieun replied while rubbing her eyes. Did you try calling them? Kai asked her, avoiding her eyes. I.. dont have a phone. Right. It then struck him that they didnt give her a phone because they didnt want her to have unnecessary contact with anyone or search anything that might trigger her to recall all her memories. Glancing at the clock, it was almost 430am and its way past the closing hour. It didnt make sense for his sisters who always stayed by her side to leave her alone. Something was definitely not right. Pack up, I have the keys. Kai told her. I will send you back. Throughout the car ride home, Kai was thankful that the 22-year old girl slept throughout. He couldnt even bring himself to look into her eyes, let alone hold a conversation with her. Looking back, for the past 2 years, he had never put himself in a situation where he had to go anywhere near her. That was why he

chose to keep her with his family. He runs away from her in hope that he could run away with his problems. However, guilt ate his conscious even more when he realize that after all that he had done, Jieun is still so kind to his family, tending the shop for Saein and waiting patiently for Hyein just because the elder told her that younger would come. She trusted them so much when all of them didnt deserve any of her kindness. What are you doing at Kamong at this hour? Jieun asked Kai as they stepped through the front doors of their house, striking their first conversation ever in 2 years. I. Kai uttered a reply but was interrupted by loud commotions coming from the kitchen. He felt Jieun turning to look at him worriedly, but he kept his eyes straight, approaching the voices that sounded exactly like his elder sisters. I told you to get her! How can you be so irresponsible?! I am irresponsible?! I cant believe this You went to drink and have fun yourself! Did you forget that we have responsibilities to fulfill?! I didnt forget! I am sick and. Kais mother walked out of the kitchen in frustration just in time to see the dual standing outside. She had enough of listening to her daughters quarrel which started the moment Saein came back home to find that Hyein passed out drunk on the couch. That was when she knew what happened, that Saein didnt bring Jieun to midnight shopping like she had told her. Then, the elder poured water on the younger to wake her up and that was how the entire argument started. Jongin-ah, Jieun-ah! Raising her voice as loud as possible, she hoped that the girls inside would hear her but they didnt. The argument continued. You guys must be tired! Go back up and rest! Go! She quickly dismissed them up, afraid that they might catch what the sisters are arguing about. She didnt want her son to know that his sisters are arguing because of him and most importantly, she couldnt afford to let Jieun know anything. Jieun! Go up now! Everything is okay. Go! Pushing the girl up the staircase, Mrs Kim urged her and she complied obediently, taking small steps slowly, occasionally turning back to look towards the kitchen. It was her first time hearing the Kim sisters arguing and it was very shocking for her. Jieun.. go up now. Mrs Kim told her firmly and she disappeared up the stairs moments after, turning to her son, she patted his back gently. Jongin, you too. Go up and rest now.

However, Kai didnt move an inch. His ears were sharp enough to pick up some words and piece them together, he knew who was the her they were referring to. Jongin didnt you hear what Omma said? Mrs Kim tried to pull her son away but failed, Go up Noona. Pulling his hand out of his mothers grip, Kai rushed forward to catch hold of the wobbling girl who was staggering out of the kitchen. Are you okay? Looking up with her teary eyes, Hyein saw her brothers beautiful face came into view. And that was when she lost it. Noona. Kai was taken aback when he saw her tears, his second sister never sheds tears easily. This was probably his first time seeing her crying so badly that her eyes were all puffed up. Jong.in. The sight of her brother made Hyein burst into tears once again. The unhappiness that she had buried deep within her exploded instantly. Grasping her brothers collar, she choked out between her cries. I really.. cant do this anymore Im sick and tired of doing all these. Hyein! Youre drunk! Saein attempted to pull her away and stop her but the younger shoved her one side, causing the elder to fall to the ground. On the other hand, Kai could only hold onto his second sister and let her bawl while grasping his shirt. His eyebrows furrowed while waiting for his sister to continue. Hyein! You should sleep. We can talk tomorrow alright? Mrs Kim joined in the effort to take her daughter away but it only made her resist harder. Dont stop me! Its suppose to be his mistake.. why is it that everyone has to be so mindful towards him? Why is it that everyone in the family is so afraid of getting him hurt? Its his fucking mistake.. why do we have to pay this price for him? Why is that we have to be the one suffering while he can be so free about it huh? Why! You tell me why! I feel like Im the one who knocked her down you know that? Im the one who is paying the fucking price.. Nobody ever seem to notice that Im unhappy, nobody ever seem to notice. Everyone in the family only cares about you.. Omma, Appa and Unnie only cares about you.. your dream but no one cares about mine I have a dream too but its ruined the moment Jieun came into our familyits ruined I dont know what I have done to deserve such pain and torment I wish that it would end

Under the influence of alcohol, she let her aggrievance out without holding back. Saein and Mrs Kim watched their daughter pour her misery as they sobbed together; how was her suffering not theirs too? They are a family but there are times that they feel tired and that they cant go on any longer. Kais hands slipped from his sisters waist, hanging on his sides heavily as he let every word Hyein said prick his conscious and cut his veins. He kind of saw this coming, but it still hurts. He knew he was being selfish by throwing Jieun to his family to look after just because he couldnt face her, he knew Saein and Hyein have a life to lead to, he knew he was troubling his parents, he knew it all; but he chose not to see that they were suffering too. He chose to blind himself with the fact that he was the only one who felt like dying in this world. Slowly staggering up the stairs, Kai just wanted to go back to his room and hide there. He desperately needed to escape from all of this, he felt like he couldnt breathe anymore. He needed to run away from all of this. He needed to think it over, how is he going to fix all this, how are they going to undo all the pain? Maybe, by bearing all the pain. All by himself.

Chapter 12 Memory #002

And when I first met you I never would have imagined that I would have such strong feelings for you.. 14th January 2007 Haewon shifted the heavy bagpack on her back uncomfortably with an unhappy pout, complaining mentally that her mother is being too bias towards her brother by cooking his all his favourite food for lunch again. She has lunch at home too, but she always forced her to eat those yucky vegetables that she hates the most. Yet her brother gets to eat all the fried food. If it wasnt for the fact that she could sneak to the mall after sending her brother lunch, she would not even want to step into this place at all. Not only was it a hassle to get into this place with all the security checks, she disliked how the people here looked at her; girls glared while guys ogled, it was irritating and disgusting. Waiting for me pretty girl? Or are you here to watch me dance? One of the males who came out from the practice room asked her. A few others who came out behind him checked her out from top to toe, whistling to what they saw; clearly liking ever bit of her. Rolling her eyes, Haewon openly expressed her dislike. She could never hides her feelings, and she never likes to anyway. Turning her face away, she crossed her arms, refusing to look at them. Ooooh, sassy! The guy teased, Totally my type! Your type for viewing purpose only. Another voice interrupted them, making them turn their heads together. Pulling Haewon by her waist, the girl collapsed into his embrace as he put his arms around her. Shes my girlfriend. Dont even think of touching her. I didnt know shes your girlfriend hyung! Im sorry! The other guy bowed politely, afraid to offend Jiyong for he is one of the oldest trainees here. Youre lucky to get such a pretty girlfriend! Of course. Jiyong replied proudly, as though what he said was the truth. Get going then.

Yah. Im not your girlfriend! Haewon pushed him away with an even more annoyed expression than she had earlier. How dare he hug her, hes so sweaty and smelly. With a smile, Jiyong replied. Soon, you will be. Wanna bet? Bet what? Lets flip a coin. Heads, Im yours. Tails, youre mine. Jerk. Pushing past him, Haewon stormed into the practice room to look for her brother instead. Her dislike for Jiyong is probably worst than the others who openly flirt with her. Although they were gross with their words, at least they wouldnt touch her or go close to her like how he chose to sit beside her while her brother and her had lunch together. Wonnie, you didnt bring my share? After waiting for Haewon to take out all the food, the siblings dug in right away. He frowned at the girl beside him but she rolled her eyes once again, ignoring him entirely. Wonnie, why I told you to bring for me. I want to eat your mums food too.. Why wouldnt you bring for me? Why. Kiwon watched how Jiyong kept whining to his sister who turned in the opposite direction so she had her back facing him instead. He stifled back a laugh as his best friend went on and on about it, failing to earn his sisters attention, not even for a split second. Oppa, Im done. Im going off. Wiping her mouth, Haewon hurriedly picked up her empty bagpack and turned around to leave before her brother could even say bye. Looking at her watch, she can spend at least an hour at the mall before heading home. With that, she stepped out of the YG building onto the sunny pavement, shielding her eyes from the suns rays as she made her way to the bus-stop. All of a sudden, she felt someone caught her by her elbows and dragged her forward hurriedly. She couldnt react in time and all she could do was to follow the stranger who was wearing a cap lowly out of the YG building in shock. What the hell are you doing?! Haewon pulled her elbow out and shoved the man away roughly when she realize what was happening. It was then she saw the familiar pair of eyes that belongs to her brothers irritating best friend.

Just keep walking please. Hide me He begged lowly as they passed the front desk of the building, sticking as close to her as possible so no one would see him sneaking. Why must I! She yanked her hand away once again, but was being held down firmly be him. Please I will tell you when we get out of here. Just hide me first. However, he didnt tell her anything. Not even when they were sitting beside each other on the bus, or now when he insisted that he would tell her over milkshake. He just sat opposite her, sipping his vanilla milkshake as he stared at her, couldnt take his eyes off her. Jiyong realized that he could watch her for a single minute and find a thousand things that he likes about the girl before her. It was just so amazing that he couldnt stop gazing at her. Rolling her eyes, Haewon folded her arms and crossed her legs. The guy before her followed her from the YG building all the way to the mall, without uttering a single word. All he did was stare at her with those eyes that gave her goosebumps and she couldnt stand it anymore. Standing up, she pushed her chair back and turned around to leave. Wait. Jiyong stood up and grabbed her hand before she turned around to leave. What do you want? You are totally wasting my time! Haewon replied in a tone filled with annoyance. Why do you dislike me so much? Jiyong asked with a frown. It wasnt hard for him to notice when she was constantly tossing him irked expressions and replying him in an irritated voice Because you are a flirt. Who told you that? My brother. With that, Jiyong let out a sigh, his grip on her hand loosened causing the girl to turn back in surprise. However, he did not notice the change in her actions at all. He was too preoccupied with her calling him a flirt. Yes he is a smooth talker, he teases girls like how he teased her but he never had the intention to be with them, bed them or whatsoever. He just likes talking to them and making them smile. Whats wrong with making peoples day? Since young, his mother had taught him that men shouldnt make women cry, so he chooses to make them laugh, is that wrong? Im not a flirt Jiyong muttered. He remembered the first time when he saw her, he stopped in his track because he got this tickling in his chest. It was a strange and new feeling so he kept watching her, observing how she frowns,

pouts and then smiles, he felt as though his facial expressions were tuned together with hers; they mirrored after hers. He didnt know why but it just happened. He felt happy just by watching her and he felt the burning desire to make her smile and laugh too. The sweet looking girl turns out to be much more difficult than he had expected. She doesnt smile at him like the other girls do, she rolls her eyes at him instead. She doesnt laugh at his jokes like other girls do, she gags at them instead, saying that it was way out of her humor level. Her straight forwardness made Jiyong even more motivated. He wanted her lips to hook upwards because of him, he wanted that beautiful smile to be there because of him. But, he just didnt like it when he calls him a flirt. He isnt one and he doesnt want her to associate him as one. I seem like one but Im really not I havent even have my first love yet Haewon turned around and looked at the guy who had his eyes on the table. The grip on her wrist loosened. The boys usual cheeky grin wasnt visible, he wore a