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    44 C hapter 1 A First Look at Interpersonal R elationshipscommunication concepts covered in this chapter can account forexplain conflict. Two are examined here: content and relationalsions of messages and noise. Then the section concludes withnication competence.Content and Relational Dimensions of Messages As yourecall from page 27, the content dimension of a message refers tosubject being discussed. The relational dimension refers to howties feel about each other.The relational dimension is typically the one that can causeperpetuate conflict. It could be as simple as the tone of voice useddeliver a message and range up to the degree of affinity, respect,control within the relationship. For example, nurses Nicole andworked as a team for 10 years. They shared a complementarytionship with Nicole in the one-up position, and they were bothwith the arrangement. Nicole made the major decisions andwent along with them. When Adena took another position, Nicolematically assumed that she and her new teammate would have ailar relationship. When Adena's replacement also preferred tobe inone-up position, however, it became a source of conflict. Bothto take control and make the decisions within the relationship.

    In this case, it was not content that caused the conflict, it wasmunication. If the second set of nurses had understoodcommunication theory, they might have attempted to develop aallel relationship, where power is handled in a more fluid manner.instance, Nicole might make decisions on how things would bewhereas her new colleague could decide when they were done.Noise Noise refers to the physical, physiological, and psycholofactors that interfere with the communication process, andencounters it to some degree. The person with whom you aremunicating may be unaware of the noise you experience andversa. This can result in a lack of understanding. For instance, ifboss wanted to discuss an incident you found very embarrassing,feelings (noise) would interfere with the communication process.would certainly communicate differently than if you did not feelway. Youmight find it hard to concentrate as you try to hide yourings, hold back an emotional outburst, predict the outcome ofinteraction, or attempt to tune out some distracting nonverbalIfyou're asked a question to which you have no immediate, plaresponse, this could add to your psychological discord and maya negative impression on the boss. And just as you are goingall this, so, too, is the boss dealing with noise.It's little wonder that conflict is so commonplace-the \.>V,C

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    Com m unication in the W orkplace 45

    1967to 1979) and Generation Y (born 1980 to 1995). According toPaulaAllan of FGI World in Toronto, each group has its "own set ofvalues,view of authority, work and communication style, and expec-tation of leadership and work environment'f" For example, veterans,who experienced hardship and World War II, are used to top-downmanagement and take pride in their work. Baby boomers also tend toappreciate hierarchy, prefer to work independently, are willing toworkhard and put in long hours, and favour diplomacy. Contrast thatwith Generation Xers, who are computer- and tech-savvy, dislikehierarchy, prefer teamwork, and are loyal to their own careers andcandid in conversations. Generation Ys are also tech-savvy and valueteamwork. They want to balance work and family life, believe in infor-mality, and are better educated and more ethnically diverse.v" It iseasyto understand how these diverse views influence communicationin the workplace. Clashes can arise based merely on generationalplacement, and this presents a challenge in today's work world.Communfcation CompetenceGiventhe notion that communication competence is situational, it fol-lows that the range of behaviours required for one job may be inap-propriate for another. The communication skills required on anoffshore oil rig might contrast significantly with those needed by anelementary school teacher. Consider the communication characteris-tics required of dental hygienists, salespeople, managers, stockbro-kers, educators, lawyers, and so forth. No one style would beappropriate for all positions.

    Given the mobility and diversity of the present and future workforce,itismore imperative than ever that Canadians hone their interpersonalcommunication skills. Moreover, communication professor JohnStewartreminds us that the quality of a person's life is directly relatedtothe quality of communication he or she experiences.?" Ifthis is accu-rate,and given the amount of time we spend at work over the course ofourlives, understanding communication in the workplace is essential.

    TEST YO UR SELF1 . Effective communicators are Committed to and2. is defined as achieviIlg one's goals in a matter that,ideally, maintains or enhances the relatiQnship in which itoccurs.o . Communication competence is and _

    and there is . . way to communicate.4. Aperson who can construct a variety of different frameworks toview anyone issue demonstrates ~ __ '5. The common denominators that characterize a competentcommunicator are , and6. Observing the reactions to your behaviours and then using these toshape further behaviours.is referred to as _

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    46 C hapter 1 A First Look at Interpersonal R elationships

    S UMMARYCommunication is essential on many levels.Besides satisfying practical needs, effective com-munication can enhance physical health andemotional well-being. As children, we learn aboutour identity through the messages sent by others,and as adults our self-concept is shaped andrefined through social interaction. Communi-cation also satisfies social needs: involvementwith others, control over the environment, andgiving and receiving affection.The process of communication is not a linearone that people "do" to one another. Rather, com-munication is a transactional process in whichparticipants create a relationship by simultane-ously sending and receiving messages, many ofwhich are distorted by various types of noise.Interpersonal communication can be defined

    contextually by the number of people involvedor qualitatively by the nature of interactionbetween them. In a qualitative sense, interper-sonal relationships are unique, irreplaceable,interdependent, and intrinsically rewarding.Qualitatively interpersonal communication isrelatively infrequent, even in the strongest rela-tionships. Both personal and impersonal com-munication are useful, and most relationshipshave both personal and impersonal elements.Communication occurs on two levels: content

    and relational. Relational communication can beboth verbal and nonverbal. Metacommunicationconsists ofmessages that refer to the relationshipbetween the communicators. Relational mes-sages usually refer to one of three dimensions ofa relationship: affinity, respect, and control.All communication, whether personal or

    impersonal, content or relational, follows thesame basic principles. Messages can be inten-tional or unintentional. It is impossible not tocommunicate. Communication is irreversible andunrepeatable. Some common misconceptionsshould be avoided when thinking about commu-nication: Meanings are not inwords but in people.More communication does not always make mat-ters better. Communication will not solve all prob-lems. Finally, communication-at least effectivecommunication-is not a natural ability.Communication competence is the ability to

    get what you are seeking from others in a mannerthat maintains the relationship on terms that are

    acceptable to all parties. Competencemean behaving the same way in all settingswith all people; rather, competence variesone situation to another. The mostcommunicators have a wide repertoire ofiours, and they are able to choose the bestiour for a given situation and perform itThey are able to take others' points of viewanalyze a situation in a variety ofways. Theymonitor their own behaviour and are LOUJlIUJlllto communicating successfully.

    KE EP A G OAL -S ET TING JO UR NALUse the following questions as a guide toyou assess your interpersonalstrengths and weaknesses. After reflectingyour responses, write down your commurucastrengths. Follow this with a review of anymunication weaknesses you might have.indicate what you could do to turn thenesses into strengths. Be as specific as UU,1'>1HUll:;1. What types of noise are you most likely

    encounter in your personal andinteractions, and what do you do tosuch noise?

    2. What differences are there in themessages you send to your parents, sipeers, spouses, authority figures,mates, and so forth? What types ofmessages do such individuals send you?3. Which ofthe communication 11ll1'>LIJlll,\Jand principles seem most relevant tointerpersonal communication experiences?

    4. Describe how computer-mediated co:mrmnication detracts from and enhancesrelationships.

    5. With whom do you havesymmetrical, or parallel relationships?you like to change any of these? Ifso, why?

    6. Was there any topic in the chapterrelated specifically to your communica

    A s se ss Y o ur In te rp ers on al C ommun ic atio nStrengths

    Weaknesses

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    tendto be dedicated to customer service when their real goal is to makeaquickbuck. But managing impressions doesn't necessarily make youa liar.In fact, it is almost impossible to imagine how we could commu-nicate effectively without making decisions about which front topresentin one situation or another. Itwould be ludicrous for you to actthesame way with strangers as you do with close friends, and nobodywouldshow the same face to a two-year-old as they would to an adult.Each of us has a repertoire of faces-a cast of characters-and part ofbeinga competent communicator is choosing the best role for the sit-uation.Consider a few examples: Youoffer to teach a friend a new skill: playing the guitar, oper-ating a computer program, or sharpening up a tennis backhand.Yourfriend is making slow progress with the skill, and you find

    yourself growing impatient. Ata party you meet someone you find very attractive, and you'repretty sure that the feeling is mutual. On one hand, you feel anobligation to spend most of your time with the person you camewith, but the opportunity here is very appealing. Atwork you face a belligerent customer. You don't believe thatanyone has the right to treat you this way. Afriend or family member makes a joke about your appearancethat hurts your feelings. You aren't sure whether to make an issueof the remark or pretend that it doesn't bother you.

    In each of these situations-and in countless others every day-youhavea choice about how to act. It's an oversimplification to say thatthere is only one honest way to behave in each circumstance andthat every other response would be insincere and dishonest.Instead, identity management involves deciding which face-whichpart of yourself-to reveal. For example, when teaching a new skill,youchoose to display the "patient" instead of the "impatient" side ofyourself. In the same way, at work you have the option of acting hos-tileor nondefensive in difficult situations. With strangers, friends, orfamily, you can choose whether to disclose your feelings. Whichface to show to others is an important decision, but in any caseyou are sharing a real part of yourself. You may not be reveal-ing everything-but as you will learn in Chapter 8, complete self-disclosure is rarely appropriate.On a final note, it is important to be aware that just as you aremanaging your identity, so too are those around you managingtheirs. Just like in a dramatic production, you are not the only actorinthe play.

    C O M M U N I C A T I O N IN T H E W O R K P L A C EBeing able to construct multiple identities, and then to select andplay out the appropriate one according to the context, are two char-acteristics of identity management. And these characteristics are

    C om m unication in the W orkplace 93

    Identity Management inCyberspace

    http.z/www.ridcr.cdu/sires/suler/psycyber/identitymanage.html

    Canadian Films That Relate tothe Chapter's TopicsSeducing Dr. Lewis, AllianceAtlantis, 2004 (identity, perception)My Big Pat Greek Wedding,IFC Films, 2002 (self-esteem,appearance)New Waterford Girl, OdeonFilms, Inc., 2000 (self-esteem)Remember ,4jricuille, NationalFilm Board of Canada, 1991(culture, identity)

    http://http.z/www.ridcr.cdu/sires/suler/http://http.z/www.ridcr.cdu/sires/suler/
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    94 Chapter 2 Com munication and the Selfparticularly relevant in the workplace. Andrew DuBrin andGeerinck, two human resources specialists, note that we oftento create a good impression on our superiors and offer valuablegestions on how you can create a favourable yet true impresThey suggest that the most vital ways to make a positive impactmanager is to perform your job well, have a strong workdemonstrate emotional intelligence, appreciate your mstrengths, show an interest in the organization's products, anda strong presence.P''These authors also recommend that you be dependable, hand ethical. However, this may not always be easy to achieve.instance, you might find yourself in an awkward situationunethical superior asks you to do something that is less than "....''.,n/11'In such a case, you may be torn between accommodating youryou look good and remaining ethical. Deciding how to behave ina situation isn't easy. Check out the Skill Builder below. Engage inrole play with your classmates and then discuss how identityagement affected the outcome.

    THE VALUE-CONFLICT ROLE PLAYOne student plays the role of a company president who announces togroup that the company must soon layoff 10 percent of the workforceremain profitable. The president also points out that the companypolicy against laying off good performers. He or she then asks four ofcompany managers to purposely give below-average performanceto 10 percent of the employees. In this way, laying them off will fitpany policy.Four other students play the role of the company managers whothis directive. Ifsuch manipulation ofperformance evaluations clashesyour values, engage in a dialogue with your manager expressing yourflict. Remember, however, that you may not want to jeopardize your job.

    Conduct this group role play for about 10 minutes, with othermembers observing and being prepared to offer feedback. After theplay session, discuss the role that managing identities play in the

    Adapted from Andrew J. DuBrin, Human Relations: Interpersonal, Job-OrientedSkills, 7th ed. (Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall, 2001), p. 54.

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    S u m m a r y 95

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    TEST YO UR SELF

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    Identity management consists of strategiccommunication designed to influence others'perceptions of an individual. Identity manage-ment aims at presenting one or more faces toothers, which may be different from private,spontaneous behaviour that occurs outside ofothers' presence. Some communicators arehigh self-monitors who are highly conscious oftheir own behaviour, whereas others are lessaware of how their words and actions affectothers.Identity management occurs for two reasons.

    In many cases it is based on following socialrules and conventions. At other times it aims atachieving a variety of content and relationalgoals. In either case, communicators engage increating an identity by managing their manner,appearance, and the settings in which theyinteract with others. Although identity manage-ment might seem manipulative, it can be anauthentic form of communication. Because eachperson has a variety of faces that he or she canreveal, choosing which one to present need notbe dishonest.

    S U M M A R Y

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    Theself-concept is a relatively stable set of per-ceptions individuals hold about themselves. Itbeginsto develop soon after birth, being shapedby both verbal and nonverbal messages fromsignificant others and from reflected appraisalbased on comparison with reference groups.The self-concept is subjective and can vary inimportant ways from the way a person is per-ceivedby others. Although the self may evolveovertime, the self-concept resists change.A self-fulfilling prophecy occurs when a

    person's expectations of an event influence theoutcome.One type of prophecy consists of pre-dictionsby others, whereas another category isself-imposed. Self-fulfilling prophecies can bebothpositive and negative.It is possible to change one's self-concept in

    waysthat lead to more effective communication.Itisnecessary to have realistic expectations abouthowmuch change is possible and to begin with arealistic assessment of oneself. Willingness toexert the effort to change is important, and insomecases change requires new information orskills.

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    cognitive conservatismidentity managementother-imposed prophecyperceived self

    presenting selfreference groupsreflected appraisalself-concept

    96 Chapter 2 Com munication and the Self

    KE E P A GO AL -S E T T ING JO U RNALUse the following questions as a guide to help youreflect on self-concept and identity management:1. Take the self-esteem tests listed in the

    chapter and reflect on how you feel about thescores. Are they in keeping with your senseof self? If not, why might that be?

    2. If you had to draw a picture that representedyour self-concept, what would it be? Whydoes such a picture reflect how you feelabout yourself?

    3. Consider if (and how) either a self- or other-imposed self-fulfilling prophecy has everinfluenced you in a positive or negative way.

    4. Have you ever knowingly or unwittinglyimposed a self-fulfilling prophecy on anyone?

    5. Refer to the Invitation to Insight titled "YourMany Identities" on page 82 and reflect onthe various roles you play.6. Take the Self-Monitoring Inventory on page 84.Then think about the contexts in which youare more or less likely to manage your iden-tity. Should you be considering when, where,and why you manage your identity?

    KEY TE RM S

    After completing your reflections, respond tofollowing in your Goal-Setting Journal:Se l f -Concep tAreas in which you are strong

    Areas in which you are weak

    Goals to help you improve your self-concept

    I de n ti ty Man ag emen tAreas in which you are successful

    Areas in which you need improvement

    Goals to help you alter you identity UHUW!">I:CIH

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    144 Chapter 3 Perception: W hat Y ou See Is W hat Y ou G et

    PER CEPT IO N IN TH E W OR KPLACEPerception plays a major role in shaping reality-and this is asthe workplace as anywhere else. To begin with, there is a positiverelation between job satisfaction and the quality ofthe command social support. One Canadian research team reportedworkers who perceived their workplace as healthy had moreplace satisfaction, less absenteeism, higher morale, and lowerintentions to quit.45 Your perception of the quality of thetion and social support might differ substantially from that ofworkers, however, depending on how they select, organize,interpret various situations. Add to that the physiologicalcultural differences, social roles, self-concept, and sharedthat affect perception, and you can see how there are plenty oftunities for disagreement. We often see such perceptual

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    P erce ption in the W o rkp lace 145

    whenmanagers introduce new procedures that other workers dislike ...Bothparties perceive the benefits and costs differently. Several topicsdiscussedin the chapter-perception checking, first impressions, andempathy-can help minimize such differences.

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    Perception CheckingManymisunderstandings and much of the conflict encountered inworkenvironments can be prevented with perception checking. Asth e example contained in Communication Transcript on page 135shows,perception checking eliminates needless second-guessing andemotionalagitation. Perception checking is also useful when individ-ualsfrom different cultures work together. Leaders in global virtualteamsnoted that while cultural diversity greatly enriched their teams,italsocreated challenges, especially in the areas of language, culturalvalues,and management styles.t" Along with diversity training, teammembers are well advised to include perception checking in theirrepertoireof communication skills.gbias

    ive cor-ucationed thate work-evels ofnunica-of co-

    FirstImpressionsInterms of the workplace, first impressions are particularly salientduringthe interview process. Research shows that interviewers makeuptheir minds about the candidates within the first four minutes of

    t h e interview. That means that individuals are hired mainly on firstimpressionsthat, as we know, are often inaccurate. As a result, excel-.lentpotential employees are overlooked and good interviewees, whomaynotmake particularly good employees, are hired. To prevent this,mostcompanies now use behavioural interview techniques. Theseinterviewsfocus on candidates' experiences and are based on thenotionthat the best predictors offuture behaviour are past behavioursin similar situations.F Such interviews allow employers to garner ahugeamount of information about potential candidates and result ingooddecision making.

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    Anyonewho works with clients recognizes the need to be empathetic.afterwe've worked in a position for a while, the environment and

    become so second nature that we tend to forget that theybe foreign to clients. You can see this in health care contexts,something routine to a medical radiation technologist, for

    .~AU1H~Hv might represent the trauma of a broken arm to the patient.the world from the client's perspective can definitely buildcommunication.

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    146 Chapter 3 Perception: W hat Y ou See Is W hat Y ou G et

    S U MMAR Y KE E P A GO AL -S E T T ING JO U R NALThere is more to the world "out there" than anyperson is capable of understanding. We makesense of our environment by the three-stepprocess of selecting certain stimuli from theenvironment, organizing them into meaningfulpatterns, and interpreting them in a manner thatis shaped by past experience, assumptions abouthuman behaviour, expectations, knowledge, andpersonal moods.A number of factors affect the way we select,

    organize, and interpret information. Physiologicalinfluences, such as the five senses, age, andhealth, play an important role. Cultural back-ground also shapes the way we view the world, asdo social roles and self-concept. Finally, commu-nicators often construct shared narratives thatcreate a common set of perceptions about them-selves and others. In addition to these factors, wecommonly make a number of perceptual errorswhen attributing meaning to others' behaviour.Perception checking can be a useful tool for

    verifying interpretations of others' behaviourinstead of assuming that the first hunch is cor-rect. A complete perception check includes adescription of the other's behaviour, at least twoplausible interpretations of its meaning, and arequest for clarification about what the behav-iour does signify.Empathy is the ability to experience another

    person's point of view. Empathy differs fromsympathy because it more closely matches theother's experience and because it does not nec-essarily require agreement or pity. One meansfor boosting empathy is the pillow method,which involves viewing an issue from five dif-ferent perspectives.

    KE Y T ER MS

    1. Think of people in your life withsometimes experience conflict.some time to observe each one, anddo so, take mental notes ofwhat theyexperiencing. Asyou're doing this,make judgments about them. Thentheir lives by responding to thequestions:

    What kind of a day were theyWhat things may have beenthem?What disappointments mightexperienced?What is important to them?What goals do they hope toWhat successes have they had?Were they living the type of lifehoped they would live?

    Your responses to these and similarshould give you more insight into theirthe world. As a result of this reflectiondo you see a need to change how youcate with them? If not, why not? If so,way? How will you specifically alter yourmunication in the future with eachRecord your answers in your journal..2 . Recall an instance in your life where

    flict could have been avoided if onlythe other party had done somechecking. Make a list of contextswill try to use perception checkingfuture.

    androgynousattributionempathyinteraction constructsinterpretationmembership constructsnarrative

    organizationperceptionperception checkingperceptual schemataphysical constructspillow methodpsychological constructs

    punctuationrole constructsselectionself-serving biasstereotypingsympathy

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    164 C hapter 4 E m otions: T hinking, Feeling, and Acting

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    Awide range of research supports the value of expressingappropriately. At the most basic physiological level, peopleknow how to express their emotions are healthier than thosedon't. On one hand, underexpression of feelings can lead toailments. Inexpressive people-those who value rationality andcontrol, try to control their feelings and impulses, and denyare more likely to get a host of ailments, including cancer,and heart disease.s" On the other hand, overly expressive peoplesuffer physiologically. When people lash out verbally, theirpressure jumps an average of 20 points, and in some peopleincreases by as much as 100 points.P" The key to health, then, islearn how to express emotions constructively.

    Beyond the physiologicalanother benefit of expressingeffectively is the chance ofrelationships.I! As Chapter 8self-disclosure is one path (thoughthe only one) to intimacy. Even onjob, many managers and 0tional researchers aregenerations of tradition by Su~","'''UIthat constructively expressingtions can lead to career success,well as help workers feel better.52

    Despite its benefits, expressingtions effectively isn't a simpleIt's obvious that showing everyof boredom, fear, anger, orwould get you into trouble. Even

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    G u id eline s fo r E xpressin g E m otion s 165

    indiscriminate sharing of positive feelings-love, affec-tion, and so on-isn't always wise. On the other hand,withholding emotions can be personally frustrating andcankeep relationships from growing and prospering.The following suggestions can help you decide whenand how to express your emotions. Combined with theguidelines for self-disclosure in Chapter 8, they canimprove the effectiveness of your emotional expression.Recognize Your FeelingsAnswering the question "How do you feel?" isn't as easyfor some people as others. Some people are much moreaware of their emotional states and use information 2006 Leo Cullum from cartoonbank.com. Allrightsabout those states when making important decisions.P reserved.Researchers call such people "affectively oriented;' Bycontrast, people with a low affective orientation usually aren't awareof their emotional states and tend to regard feelings as useless andunimportant information.

    Asyou read earlier in this chapter, feelings become recognizable inanumber of ways. Physiological changes can be a clear sign of yourfeelings.Monitoring nonverbal behaviours is another excellent way tokeep in touch with your emotions. You can also recognize your feel-ingsby monitoring your thoughts, as well as the verbal messages yousendto others. It's not far from the verbal statement "I hate this!" to therealization that you're angry (or bored, nervous, or embarrassed).Expand Your Emotional VocabularyMostpeople suffer from impoverished emotional vocabularies. Askthemhow they're feeling, and the response will almost always includethe same terms: good or bad, terrible or great, and so on. Take at now and indicate how you are feeling. Write down as manydescriptors as you can. After you've done your best, look at Table 4.1see which ones you've missed.Many communicators think they're expressing feelings when, intheir statements are really emotional counterfeit. For example, itemotionally revealing to say, "I feel like going to a show," or "Iwe've been seeing too much of each other;' But, in fact, neither ofstatements has any emotional content. In the first sentence, thereally stands for an intention: "I want to go to a show;' In thesentence, the "feeling" is really a thought: "I think we've beentoo much of each other;' You can recognize the absence of emo-in each case by adding a genuine word of feeling to it. For

    "I'm bored and Iwant to go to a show" or "I think we've beentoo much of each other and I feel confinedi'Relying on a small vocabulary of feelings is as limiting as usinga few terms to describe colours. To say that the ocean in all itsthe sky as it varies from day to day, and the colour of your true

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    166 C hapter 4 E m otions: T hinking, Feeling , and Acting

    afraid concerned exhausted nervous sexyaggravated confident fearful numb shakyamazed confused fed up hysterical optimistic shockedambivalent content fidgety impatient paranoid shyangry crazy flattered impressed passionateannoyed defeated foolish inhibited peacefulanxious defensive forlorn insecure pessimisticapathetic delighted free interested playfulashamed depressed friendly intimidated pleasedbashful detached frustrated irritable possessivebewildered devastated furious jealous pressured tensebitchy disappointed glad joyful protective terrifiedbitter disgusted glum lazy puzzled tiredbored disturbed grateful lonely refreshed trappedbrave ecstatic happy loving regretful uglycalm edgy harassed lukewarm relievedcantankerous elated helpless mad resentfulcarefree embarrassed high mean restlesscheerful empty hopeful miserable ridiculouscocky enthusiastic horrible mixed up romanticcold envious hostile mortified sadcomfortable excited humiliated neglected sentimental

    love's eyes are all "blue" tells only a fraction of the story. """...",."''',.overly broad to use a term like good or great to describe how youin situations as different as earning a high grade,marathon, or hearing the words "I love you" from a special persThere are several ways to express a feeling verbally f"

    Through single words: "I'm angry" (or "excited," "depressed,""curious," and so on). By describing what's happening to you: "My stomach is tied inknots"; "I'm on top of the world?' By describing what you'd like to do: "I want to run away"; "I'dto give you a hug"; "I feel like giving up?'Sometimes communicators inaccurately minimize the

    their feelings-"I'm a little unhappy," or "I'm pretty excited," orsort of confused?' Of course, not all emotions are strong ones.feel degrees of sadness and joy, for example, but some peopletendency to discount almost every feeling. Do you?In other cases, communicators express feelings in a codedThis happens most often when the sender is uncomfortable

    revealing the feeling in question. Some codes are verbalwhen the sender hints more or less subtly at the message.

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    A n Emotional Tale

    r ex perienced a tim e of em otionalstrife a num ber of y ears agothat began w hen ou r friend Roncom m itted su icide-tw o d ay sb eforehis b irth day . A s y ou canim a gin e, a ll h is f rie nd s w ereshocked.W e knew he had b eenhav ing recent bou ts of m ania anddepression, bu t none of u s ev er felth is con dition w as so seriou s thathew ou ld take his life. W e w ere allg re atly affected b y R on 's d eath a ndw ond ered how w e cou ld have beenso ob liv iou s to th e w arn in g sig ns.W ithgu ilt and lam ent, w e m ade ou rw aythrou gh the process of con-ta ctin g p e op le a cro ss th e c ou ntry .

    W i th in ho urs, frien ds an d o ut-o f-tow ngu ests began to fill ou r hom e,w hicho ver th e f ollow ing cou ple o fday sw ou ld com e to be the gath-e rin gp la ce f or n on -f am i ly m em b ers .T w oo f o u r d ea rest frien ds fro mHa li fa x ,F re d a n d H e ath er , a rr iv edearlythe next day , the fi rst day ofth e w ak e. T o e sc ap e th e c on fu sio n,andto spend som e tim e try ing tof ath omw h at h ad h ap pe ne d,H eatherand I took a short driveinto the cou ntry . A s w as ou rcu stom , we attem pted to deal w iththe situ ation throu gh hu m ou r. W eengaged in the ty pical "girl talk" byd is cu s si ng Hea th e r' s up com ingb irth da y, ou r re la tio nsh ip s, a nd o u rliv esin g en eral. A s a jo ke, I ask ed ,'S o, a re y ou regu lar?" B ut she tookm eserio usly a nd said th at sh e'dm isseda period last m onth, andw a sh av in g a p ar ti cu la rly d if fi cu lto ne rig ht n ow . W e ch atte d ab ou tou r"w om anhood" for a b it and

    didn't g ive it m uch thought as w efloated in and ou t of conv ersationsabou t R on.

    Later that evening , as w e w erepreparing to go to the funeralhom e, H eather w as feeling u nderthe w eather. She was pale and su f-fered bad stom ach cram ps andsevere shou lder pain. W hile shem anaged to attend the w ake, shehad to "take to the bed" as soon asw e retu rned hom e. This w as not likeher, especially at a tim e when ou rfriends w ere clinging to onean oth er in sorro w.

    B y nex t m orning, H eather's con-d ition had w orsened . Fred d ecid edto take her to the em ergency room .T his w as am azing , becau se H eatherw as at the peak of physical condi-tion and was never known to be ill.She d idn 't even contract the prover-b ial flu . B ecau se Fred and m y hu s-band w ere pallbearers, and thefuneral wou ld be held in less thantw o hou rs, I volu nteered to go tothe hospital w ith H eather. She w asex am ined and blood sam ples w eretaken. T he doctor asked if shecou ld be pregnant, bu t she repliedthat she w as cu rrently hav ing herperiod . W hile w e w aited for thed iag no sis her d ecline w as d ra m atic,and as I stood beside her hospita lbed she seem ed to be dy i ng rightin front of m y ey es. H er skin w asgrey and cool, and she keptpassing in and ou t of consciou s-n ess. S om e th in g w as seriou slyw rong and I asked if she wou ld bew illing to go to the OR i f need be.She gave a weak nod .

    S hortly after, th e d octor retu rnedlooking very concerned . H e su s-pected som ething bu t seem edunsu re. Again he asked if she cou ldbe pregnant. This tim e she was toow eak to respond and I related ou r"girl talk" from the previou s after-noon 's ride. U pon hearing that, heordered another round of tests andcalled for som eone to take her intothe OR . I insisted on going w ithher. N ot know ing what w as w rong, Iheld her hand and offered w hatw ords of encou ragem ent I cou ld . A tthat point, she cou ld hard lyrespond.

    W ithin m inu tes, the doctor ranin and inform ed us that she had anectop ic preg nan cy . H e loo keddirectly at her and said , "T hatm eans that the egg is g row ing inthe fallopian tu be, and if it isn 'trem oved , y ou w ill d ie!" I w ill neverforget, or be ab le to tru ly describe,the clash of ex pressions conv ey edto m e throu gh her w idened hazeley es. Y ou see, she'd been try ing ,w ithou t su ccess, to becom e preg-nant for som e five y ears, and we'dhad m any conversations abou t this.I knew how m uch she w anted ababy . E ven in her listless state, herey es com m unicated the b liss oflearning she w as pregnant at thesam e tim e as they expressed theb iting pain of being told that thepregnancy had to be term inated . Ican still feel the em otional pow erof that m om ent.

    By this point, it w as alm ost tim efor the fu neral and Fred still had noidea of H eather's cond ition. I

    continued

    167

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    168 C hapter 4 E m otions: T hinking , Feeling , and A cting

    headed back to the chu rch andarrived ju st as the pallbearers w erelining u p to m eet the hearse. Idashed into the chu rch, asked ou rfriend H arvey to fi II in for Fred , andtold H eather's y ou ng dau ghter thather m other w as OK and that I'd beback shortly . H arvey and I headedfor the hearse. In one sm ooth, b riefm otion , he slipped in line as I tookFred by the arm and literallyrem oved him w ithou t a w ord . Iexplained w hat had happened as w ed rov e to the hospita l. Itw as astrang e sensation to d eliv er thism essag e. I fe lt priv ileg ed to informhim of H eather's pregnancy bu t hor-rified to rela te that it had to beterm inated to save her life . T hisw as b ig stu ff.A fter getting Fred settled in thew aiting room , I retu rned to thechu rch and attended m y friend 'sfuneral . Itw as all like a dreamsequ ence. W h o cou ld believe it?R on w as dead . H eather's d ream tobecom e pregnant had been realized ,bu t hav ing that second child w asnot to be. It w as so sad -m ore

    than sad , it w as a tragedy . I canh ard ly re ca ll th e fu nera l serv ice ,except for try ing so hard not to cryas a fidd le lam ent tou ched theh earts o f ev ery on e p re sen t.

    A m azing ly enou gh, the n ightended on a good no te , if y ou canim ag ine. O f cou rse, g iven w hat w ehad been throu gh, any thing resem -b ling norm al w ou ld have beengood . S om e 40 of R on's friendsgathered at ou r hom e, and at onepoint a large grou p of u s sat in acircle and shared stories of ou r lastcontact w ith him . A fter hearinge ve ry o ne 's in te rp re ta tio ns , th eiranecdotes, and the variou s tele-phone conversations R on had had ,w e w ere ab le to pu t the piecestogether. O nly then d id R on's inten-tions becom e clear. In m any w ay s,th is helped u s to m anage ou r g riefbecau se no one ind iv idu al cou ldhave know n his v iolent plan thatw ou ld end his life. B ut there w ereother good things abou t theevening . P eople shared fu nny andin te re stin g s to rie s. T h e " re ce ptio n"w ent w ell into the night and it had

    all the ingred ients of a fine Irishsendoff. T here w as even a m y steryw om an from M ontreal w ith w homhe had had a relationship , u nbe-knownst to u s. A ll in all, R onhave liked the tu rnou t, and let m etell y ou , people talked abou t thegood tim e they had at R on 's "qoiaw ay party " fo r som e tim e after-w ard . And u pon her retu rn fromhospital, H eather u sed hu m ou r tou sher u s all into ou r bereavem entprocess w hen she sum m ed up theprev iou s d ay 's ev ents b y say ing ,gu ess it w as a bad tim e for V i

    It su re w as.

    etdfcamfi

    Judith A . Rolls

    D is cu s sio n S t ar te rsR eferring to the feelings inT able 4 .1 , identify as m any asy ou can that describe the em otiocontained in this narrativ e. T hend escrib e how those em o tionshave been ex pressed both verbaand nonv erb ally d uring theevents.

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    rishrsteryhomibe-1 would.et m et th e"goingter-omu r to- rnen tp theing, "I

    irgos."

    asmot ionsThenS woulderballyactual

    G u id elin es fo r E x pre ssin g E m o tio ns 169

    example, an indirect way to say "I'm lonesome" might be, "I guessthere isn't much happening this weekend, so if you're not busy, whydon't you drop by?" Such a message is so indirect that your realfeeling may not be recognized. For this reason, people who sendcodedmessages stand less chance ofhaving their emotions understood-andtheir needs met.If you do decide to express your feelings, you can be most clear bymaking sure that both you and your partner understand that yourfeelingis centred on a specific set of circumstances rather than beingindicative of the whole relationship. Instead of saying, "I resent you,"say,"I resent you when you don't keep your promises?' Rather than,

    "I'm bored with you," say, "I'm bored when you talk about yourmoney?'ExpressMultiple FeelingsManytimes the feeling you express isn't the only one you're experi-encing.For example, you might often express your anger but over-look the confusion, disappointment, frustration, sadness, or

    SK IL L BU IL DE RFEELINGS AND PHRASESYoucan try this exercise alone or with a group.1. Choose a situation from Column A and a receiver from Column B.2. Developan approach for communicating your feelings for thiscombination.3 . Nowcreate approaches for the same situation with other receiversfromColumn B . How are the statements different?4. Repeatthe process with various combinations, using other situa-tions from Column A.ColumnA: Situationa . You'vebeen stood up for a dateor appointment.b . Theother person pokes fun atyourschoolwork.

    Theother person complimentsyouon your appearance, thensays,"I hope I haven't embar-rassed you:'Theother person gives youa hug and says, "It's good toseeyou:'

    Column B: Receiversa. An instructor.b. A family member (you decidewhich one).c. A classmate you don't knowwell.d. Yourbest friend.

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    170 C hapter 4 E m otions: T hinking , Feeling , and A cting

    embarrassment that preceded it. In the following examples,how sharing multiple feelings increases the accuracy-and theof the message: "I'm mad at you for not showing up. I'm also disappointed b1was looking forward to seeing you?'

    Aristotles Colden MeanA lm ost tw o and a half m illennia ago, the philosopherA ristotle addressed issu es that are ju st as im portanttoday as they w ere in classical G reece. In hisN ic oma c he a n E th ic s, A ristotle ex plores the q uestion of"m o ral v irtu e": W h at constitu tes g ood b ehav iou r, andw hat w ay s of acting enab le u s to fu nction effectiv ely inthe world? One im portant part of his exam inationa dd resse s th e m a na gem e nt a nd ex pre ssio n o f em o tio n:w hat h e d efin es a s "p assio ns an d a ctio ns."A ccord ing to A ristotle, an im p ortant d im e nsion ofv irtu ou s b ehav iou r is m o deration, w hich he d efines as"an interm ed iate betw een ex cess and deficit ... equ i-d istant from the ex trem es ... neither too m u ch nor tool it tl e." A ri st ot le in tr od u c es t he c on ce pt o f v ir tu e t hr ou g hm o deratio n w ith a m a th em a tic al an alo gy : If t en is m a nyan d tw o is few , six is t he in term e diate. A pp ly in g th is lin eo f re aso nin g to em o tio nal ex pressio n w ou ld rev eal th at,f or ex am p le, th e p refe rred fo rm o f ex pre ssin g aff ec tio nw ou ld fall eq ually b etw een the ex trem e s of b eing com -p le te ly u n ex p re ss iv e a nd p as sio na te ly e ff u si ve .A risto tle p oin ts o ut th at a fo rm u laic a pp ro ach to ca l-cu lating the "G olden M ean" doesn 't w ork in hu manaf fa irs b y illu stratin g th e flaw s in h is e arlier m a th em a t-ical analogy : "If ten pou nds are too m u ch for a partic-u lar person to eat and tw o too little , it does not followth at th e train er w ill o rd er six p ou nd s, fo r th is also is p er-haps too m u ch for the person w ho is to take it." In otherw ord s, A risto tle re co gn iz es th at p eo ple h av e d if feren tp er so na litie s, a nd h e a ck now le dg es th at it i sn ' t r eal is t icor desirab le for a passionate person to strive for thesam e ty pe of b ehav iou r as som eone w ith a low -key tem -peram ent. A fter all, a w orld in w hich ev ery one felt anda cte d id en tic ally w o uld b e b orin g.In ste ad o f a "o ne ty pe fits a ll" a pp ro ach to e m otio na le xp re ss io n, A ris to tle u rg es c omm u n ic ato rs to m o d era tetheir ow n sty le , to be "interm ed iate not in the object,b ut relativ e to u s." F ollow ing A ristotle 's inju nction, aperson w ith a hot tem per w ou ld strive to cool dow n,w hile a person w ho rarely ex presses his or her feeling sou ght to aim at becom ing m ore ex pressive. T he resu lt

    w ou ld still b e tw o p eo ple w ith d if fe ren t sty les, b utof w hom behaved better than before seekingG o ld en M e an .A cc ord in g to A risto tle , m o dera tio n also m e an sem otions shou ld be su ited to the occasion: W efeel (and ex press) them "at the right tim es, w ithe nce to th e rig ht o bje cts, to ward s th e rig ht p eo ple ,the rig ht m o tiv e, and in the rig ht w ay ." W e cantim es w hen ev en a restrained person cou ldact w ith anger, and tim es w hen a norm allyp er so n w o uld a pp ro pria te ly b eh av e w ith r es tra in t.then, too m u ch em otion (rag e, for ex am p le) or toofalls ou tsid e the rang e of v irtu e. In A ristotle 'sw hen it com es to "passions and actions ... ex cessfo rm o f failu re an d so is d ef ic it."A ri st ot le a ck now le dg es t ha t l iv in g a li fe o f rn('1,/"i"",,tlris a challeng e: "It is no easy task to find the m id dle .Any one can get angry : T hat is easy ... bu t to dothe right person, to the right ex tent, at the rightw ith th e rig ht m o tiv e, an d in th e rig ht w ay : T hat is n o t.every one, nor is it easy ." H e w arns u s to especially .against those ex trem e em otions that com e m ostrally . "W e m ust d rag ou rselves aw ay to theex trem e; for w e shall g et into the interm ed iate sta ted ra win g w e ll a w ay f ro m e rr or."To read Aristotle's full discussion ofthe Golden Mean,see Book Two of his Nicomachean Ethics, translated byH. Rachman and published by the Harvard UniversityPress in 1934.Discussion StartersH ow w ou ld y ou r em o tional com m u nication b eif y ou w ere to striv e for m o deration? A nsw er thistion b y id entify ing the parts of y ou r em o tionalsion that are m ost ex trem e, either in their ith eir ab sen ce. H ow m ig ht y ou r re latio nsh ip sy ou act m ore m oderately ? A re there any Sly ou r life w hen m o re ex tre m e fo rm s o f em o tio nalsio n are b oth m o ra l an d e ffe ctiv e?

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    188 C hapter 4 E m otions: T hinking , Feeling, and A cting

    EM OT IO NS IN TH E W ORKPLACEMore than ever, today's employers are looking to hire individualsemotional intelligence. Recruiters are quick to state that '-:11".11111intelligence skills are just as, if not more, important than joskills.43 Employers assume that interviewees have the requisiterelated skills, but it's the team players who have good social skills,understanding of themselves, and the ability to deal effectively intionally charged situations who will be hired.Further, employers are less willing to put up with bullying,according to the Canada SafetyCouncil (CSC) is much morethan harassment." In fact, the Canadian Human Rights UVHH'HC~ensures that everyone "has an equal opportunity to work andwithout being hindered by discriminatory practices?'45 The Cencouraging employers to identify bullying as an unacceptable biour.46 Nor are employees taking kindly to emotional ouwork. While such behaviour rarely leads to job loss, it canstall advancement.f" Many people recommend that whenencounter someone who has lost his or her cool, politely excuseself and leave. There's no need to put up with unprofessional,behaviours, and to do so only reinforces the acceptance of suchtional displays.Keeping your emotional cool reduces the odds of saying thingsmight later regret, hurting people's feelings, or appearing immatureincompetent. Youcan prevent debilitative emotions from affectingmunication on the job by watching your self-talk and the fallaciesare associated with irrational thinking. Finally, in a time whenare juggling somany responsibilities, conflict may be avoided bysensitive to the emotions that colleagues might be experiencing.

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    E m otions in the W o rkplace 189

    als withnotional-relatedsite job-kills, anin emo-

    For more on bullying in theworkplace, check out this website.

    http://www.safety-council.org/info/Oxl l/bullies.html

    ;, whichrevalentmissionand liveesc ise behav-iursts at;ertainlyLen youse your-impolitech emo-ings youture anding com-cies thatn peopleby beingg .

    http://www.safety-council.org/http://www.safety-council.org/
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    190 Chapter 4 E motions: Thinking , Feeling , and Acting

    S UMMARYEmotions have several dimensions. They are sig-nalled by internal physiological changes, mani-fested in nonverbal reactions, and defined inmost cases by cognitive interpretations. Someemotions are primary, while others are combi-nations of two or more emotions. Some areintense, while others are relatively mild.There are several reasons why people do not

    verbalize many of the emotions they feel. Socialrules discourage the expression of some feel-ings, particularly negative ones. Many socialroles do not allow expression of certain feelings.Finally, fear of the consequences of disclosingsome emotions leads people to withhold expres-sion of such feelings.Because total expression of feelings is not

    appropriate for adults, several guidelines helpdefine when and how to express emotionseffectively. Self-awareness, clear language, andexpression of mixed feelings are important.Willingness to accept responsibility for feelingsinstead of blaming them on others leads to betterreactions. Choosing the proper time and place toexpress feelings is also important.Although some emotions are facilitative,

    others are debilitative and inhibit effective func-tioning. Many of these debilitative emotions arecaused by various types of irrational thinking. Itis often possible to communicate more confi-dently and effectively by recognizing trouble-some emotions, identifying the activating eventand self-talk that triggered them, and replacingany irrational thoughts with a more logicalanalysis of the situation.

    K EY T ER MS

    KE EP A G OAL -S ET TING JO UR NALTo prepare for your journal entry, takeMyers-Briggs personality test to gain insight intoyour personality type and the EmotionalIntelligence test to find your areas of proficiency.Then answer the following questionsjournal.1. In what ways did the tests reveal

    surprising to you? Does what youlearned about yourself provide insightyour emotional responses to family,and co-workers? Is there a need to alterof these responses? Explain.

    2. Based on the topics covered in thewhat are your emotional strengthsweaknesses? What would you likeimprove in the future? Describe yourfor improvement.

    3. Which of the fallacies best describesthinking? Explain what you can do toin thinking that is more rational.

    The Myers-Briggs Test

    http://www.humanmelrics.com/cgi-win/.JTypes2.asp

    EmotionallQ Self-Test

    debilitative emotionsemotional contagionfacilitative emotionsfallacy of approval

    fallacy of catastrophicexpectations

    fallacy of causationfallacy of helplessnessfallacy of overgeneralization

    fallacy of perfectionfallacy of "shoulds"mixed emotionsprimary emotionsself-talk

    http://www.humanmelrics.com/cgi-win/.JTypes2.asphttp://www.humanmelrics.com/cgi-win/.JTypes2.asp
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    ; deter-mt lan-rtion ofon per-erencesin whattat havein otherutaH:tionhewing

    ~,andsolife, thewithoutimagine.io wouldwho arese differ-Hthoughlominate

    -iew our-nployees"Ms?' oray shapelanguagen lead toisely this'he" as ar, resultsased lan-.s or theirmay have.oun "he"

    Language in the W orkplace 241

    L A N G U A G E IN T H E WORKPLACEA ll the topics discussed in this chapter play out in the workplace. Forinstance, being sensitive to the use of disruptive language(fact-opinion confusion, fact-inference confusion, emotive language,etc.),the semantic rules (equivocation, relative language, static evalu-ation,etc.), the language of responsibility, or the effect of naming onidentitycan work to help eliminate potential misunderstandings andconflict.Further, as we work more on a global level, understandingcultural differences in how people use language is also important.Onearea of language usage that has received particular attention intheworkplace is the use of inclusive language. Researchers argue that"theelimination of sexist language can improve the quality of work lifeand heighten employee satisfaction within the workplacer/'' Twogenderresearchers, Dianna Ivy and Phil Backlund, hold that the use ofnonsexist language demonstrates sensitivity, reflects nonsexist atti-tudes,strengthens expression, and is the contemporary, accepted formofcommunication within the workplace. 75 Several things can be doneto eliminate sexist language practices, and these are outlined below.Avoid the Generic Pronoun. Rather than use the generic pronoun "he"describe both males and females, use "he/she" or "they?' The latterinvolvesspeaking in the plural and is easier and inclusive. For instance,

    of saying, ''A good employee gets his or her projects completedontime," say, "Good employees get their projects completed on time?'AvoidMan-Linked Terminology: Man-linked language refers to termsare associated with men. Examples include mailman, chairman,and a host of others. Research has shown that such languagesex bias in that it perpetuates the notion that these positionsmore appropriate for men than women. Words like manmade anduuutraru t also exclude women. Most of these terms can easily be replacedmore inclusive language. Itis often just a matter of practice. In the lastof years, names of government agencies, organizations, andBUSInessesave been changed to reflect inclusive language. For example,Compensation is now called Workers' Compensation.Use Inclusive Language. Here's a few examples to get you

    Sexist, Exclusive Terms Nonsexist, Inclusive Termsanchor/newscasterbusinesspersonchairfirefighterletter carrierhumanitysyntheticombudspersonsalesperson/clerkspokesperson/speaker

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    24 2 Chapter 5 Langu age: Barrier and Bridge

    When used carelessly, language can lead tovariety of interpersonal problems. Theor vagueness of messages can affect aunderstanding of them. Both precise T T I , , , " " U P Iand vague, evasive ones have their uses inpersonal relationships, and a competentmunicator has the ability to choose thelevel of precision for the situation atLanguage also acknowledges or avoidsspeaker's acceptance of responsibility for hisher positions, and competent commUUJl'-'ULVlIknow how to use "I" and ''we'' statementsaccept the optimal level of responsibilityrelational harmony. Some language hconfusing facts with opinions or inferencesusing emotive terms-can lead todisharmony in interpersonal relationships.

    Avoid Outdated Word Associations. The English language is alsosetup in a way that promotes maleness as the standard. For example,author noted having seen a promo for a television show titledExplorers. Asthe title implied, the program would feature womenwere or had been explorers. However, if male explorers were tohighlighted, the title would just have been Explorers, notExplorerel" In using today's inclusive language, people areaged to use terms such as lawyer, doctor, nurse, minister, etc.include both sexes. This eliminates the need to say things likelawyer, female doctor, woman minister, or male nurse.

    S U M M A R YLanguage is both a marvellous communicationtool and the source of many interpersonal prob-lems. Every language is a collection of symbols,governed by a variety of rules. Because of itssymbolic nature, language is not a precisevehicle: Meanings rest in people, not in wordsthemselves.Besides conveying meanings about the con-

    tent of a specific message, language bothreflects and shapes the perceptions of its users.Terms used to name people influence the waythey are regarded. The terms used to labelspeakers and the language they use reflect thelevel of affiliation, attraction, and interest of aspeaker toward a subject. Language patternsalso reflect and shape a speaker's perceivedpower.

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    also setple, oneWomenen who'e to beot Menencour-etc. toke lady

    Therelationship between gender and languageis complicated. There are many differences in the

    men and women speak: The content of theirconversationsvaries, as do their reasons for com-

    ting and their conversational style.However,not all differences in language usecanbe accounted for by the speaker's gender.Occupation,social philosophy, and orientation

    problem solving also influence the use oflanguage,and psychological gender role can bemoreofan influence than biological sex.Differentlanguages often shape and reflect the

    of a culture. Low-context cultures like's use language primarily to express feel-

    and ideas as clearly and unambiguously asflva.nu,-.,. High-context cultures such as Japan's

    Saudi Arabia's, however, avoid specificity into promote social harmony. Some culturesbrevity and the succinct use of language,others have high regard for elaborateof speech. In some societies formality

    important, while others value informality.these differences, there is evidence tolinguistic relativism-the notion that lan-

    exerts a strong influence on the worldviewthepeople who speak it.

    s:

    text

    e?

    ead to areoisioneceiver'sessagesin inter-t com-optimalt hand.oids the

    K ey T erm s 243

    KE E P A GO AL -S E T T ING JO U R NALTake a moment and review the concepts coveredin the chapter. Then complete the following inyour journal:S em a ntic s (e qu iv oc atio n, re la tiv e la ngu age ,s ta tic e va lu atio n, a bs tra ctio n, e up h em ism s)Areas in which you are strongAreas in which you are weakYour plan for improvement (include examples)L a ng ua ge o f R e sp on sib ility (" it" s ta tem en ts ,"1 " s ta te m en ts , "w e" s ta te m en ts , "b ut"s ta tem en ts , q ue stio ns , " 1" a nd " yo u" la ng ua ge )Areas in which you are strongAreas in which you are weakYour plan for improvement (include examples)D is ru ptiv e L an gu age (fa ct-o pin io n c on fu sio n,fa ct-in fe re nc e c on fu sio n, e m otiv e la ng ua ge )Areas in which you are strongAreas in which you are weakYour plan for improvement (include examples)

    euphemismsgender rolehigh-context cultures"I" languageinference"it" statementslinguistic determinismlinguistic relativismlow-context culturesps.

    pragmatic rulesrelative wordsSapir-Whorf hypothesissemantic rulesstatic evaluationsyntactic rules''we'' statements''you'' language

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    Influ ences on N onv erb al C om m u nication 263

    rderdra-ightcingLally'heycateN toulas

    Even for those of us who don't suffer from NVLD, the ambiguity ofnonverbal behaviour can be frustrating, The perception-checking skillyoulearned in Chapter 3 can be a useful tool for figuring out what mean-ingsyou can accurately attach to confusing cues. Using the approach fornonverbal communication can help to curb conflict before it occurs.

    The medium is the message.Marshall McLuhan,Understanding Media

    a rl ye

    :k,Id

    I N F L U E N C E S O N N O N V E R B A L C O M M U N IC A T IO NT h e way we communicate nonverbally is influenced to a certainby the culture to which we belong and by gender. To learnmoreabout these influences, read on.

    have different nonverbal languages as well as verbal ones.LaGuardia, legendary mayor of New York from 1933 to 1945,fluent in English, Italian, and Yiddish. Researchers who watchedof his campaign speeches found that they could tell with theturned off which language he was speaking by noticing the\;l1U11I".'o" in his nonverbal behaviourv''' A somewhat similar study wasin Canada, where anglophones and francophones rated theof bilingual speakers who each spoke one language and thenother. The results support the stereotype that francophones speaktheir hands. Francophones, regardless of which language they

    gestured more than anglophones.P" Some anglophones actuallymore when they're speaking French. One English speakerthat when she spoke French, her whole body spoke.Some nonverbal behaviours have different meanings from cultureculture. In keeping with the discussion of French versus English,Trudeau was noted for using a simple Gallic "shrug" whenN E L

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    264 C hapter 6 N on verbal C om m un ication : M essages beyon d W o rds

    The men walked hand-in-hand,laughing sleepily together underblinding vertical glare. Sometimesthey put their arms round eachother's necks; they seemed to liketo touch each other, as if itmadethem feel good to know the oilierman was there. Itwasn't love; itdidn't mean anything we couldunderstand.Graham Greene,Journey Without Maps

    speaking French, although such a gesture would be consideredpropriate for an English speaker.t! The "OK" gesture made by jthumb and forefinger to form a circle is a cheery affirmation toNorth Americans, but it has less positive meanings in otherthe world.52 In France and Belgium it means, "You're worthGreece and Turkey it is a vulgar sexual invitation, usually meantinsult. If you're visiting Turkey, you should also be aware thatyour head back and forth to indicate "no" will be interpreteddon't understand," while the innocuous gesture of showing theyour shoe to someone in Egypt will be interpreted as anGiven this sort of cross-cultural ambiguity, it's easy to imagineexchange student, for example, might wind up in serious trouble.

    LEARNING INTERCULTURAL NONVERBAL CUESFind someone from a different culture who is willing to talk aboutverbal communication. Then discuss each other's answers to thelowing questions:

    Where do you gaze when you greet a person in a position ofWhat body posture would you typically assume with aauthority?How do you greet a new acquaintance of the opposite sex?How do you indicate that you wish to speak up during adiscussion?How do you indicate that you want someone to come to you?How do you get a waiter's attention in a restaurant?How do you signal encouragement?What nonverbal cues are considered rude?How do you indicate that a person should go through a door beforeWhat is conveyed through different types of dress?How doyou demonstrate sympathy to someone who has lost a lovedWhat nonverbal behaviours are matters of personalstyles?Use these questions to generate discussion of similarities and

    ences in accepted nonverbal communication within your cultures.what ways, and to what degree, would each of you be willing tononverbal communication while visiting or living in another culture?

    Exercise suggested by Tanya Brann-Barrett, Assistant Professor ofCommunication, Cape Breton University.

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    Influences on N onverbal Com munication 265

    The Center for Nonverbal Studies,home of the NonverbalDictionary')

    http://members.aol.com/nonverbal2lindex.htm

    ore you?U H '( ) 1 , N A R D O Uti, HI. T A K E Y O U R .

    ovedone? IS COMIN G. I'M N A R D O . I N T K E O L D H IW050UTOUT O f HER.E. . \ C O U N T R Y W E O F r P O C I ( E O .unication D ID N O T M V E .W M T Y O U C I \L L } ~ , 1 G E T I T .ad differ- P E R 5 O N N . . ( T K E Y 'R . E F O R .

    ltures. In 5 P A C . E . Y O U R U S Edaptyour . . ) . O N L Y ,Iture? ! f \1Gl1T?, . . .

    Less obvious cross-cultural differences can damage relationshipswithout the parties ever recognizing exactly what has gone wrong.Edward Hall points out that, whereas North Americans are comfort-ableconducting business at a distance of roughly 1.2 metres, peoplefromthe Middle East stand much closer.P" It is easy to visualize theawkward advance-and-retreat pattern that might occur when twodiplomats or businesspeople from these cultures meet. One of theauthors had this very experience when she lived in an internationalstudent residence. In conversation with a Middle Eastern student ataparty, she noticed that he moved closer and closer to her. Feelingher personal space was being invaded, and interpreting the move-ment as an undesired sexual advance, she kept moving back a fewsteps. This persisted until she was in a corner-just where shethought he might want her. However, his interpretation of the sameevent was quite different: He couldn't understand why she wasbacking off and being so rude.Communicators become more tolerant of others once they under-standthat unusual nonverbal behaviours are the result of cultural dif-ferences. In one study, North American adults were presented withvideotapes of speakers from the United States, France, and Germany.V'Whenthe sound was eliminated, viewers judged foreigners more neg-ativelythan they judged their fellow citizens. But when the speakers'voiceswere added (allowing viewers to recognize that they were fromadifferent country), the critical ratings dropped.Like distance, patterns of eye contact vary around the world.I" Adirectgaze is considered appropriate for speakers in Latin America,theArab world, and southern Europe. On the other hand, Asians,Indians,Pakistanis, and northern Europeans gaze at a listener periph-erallyor not at all. In either case, deviations from the norm are likelytomake a listener uncomfortable.

    http://members.aol.com/http://members.aol.com/
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    266 Chapter 6 N onverbal Com m unication: M essages beyond W ords

    Find out more about nonverbalcommunication in Japan.

    http://www .csupomo na.edu/ =tassi/gesturcs.htm

    Innumerable travellers' talesinvolve the visiting hero beingoffered some horrendous"delicacy" which he has either tocat, or risks offending his host.But we can be put out just becausea foreigner raises his eyebrows tomean yes, or asks how muchmoney we make, or stalks off in arage because we folded our armsor failed to take our hands out ofour pockets.Margaret Visser,The Rituals of Dinner

    Differing cultural norms for nonverbal behaviour make thetial for cross-cultural misunderstandings great. For example,Anglo schoolteachers use quasi-questions that hint at the i",t....'",.."they're seeking: "Does the name 'Hamilton' ring a bell?"An elementanschool instructor might encourage the class to speak up by makingincorrect statement that demands refutation: "So 12 divided by 4 isright?" Most Anglo students would recognize this behaviour as aof testing their understanding. But this style of questioning ismiliar tomany students raised in traditional Black cultures, wholikely to respond until they are directly questioned by theGiven this difference, it is easy to imagine how some teachersview minority children as unresponsive or disinterested, when inthey are simply playing by a different set of rules.Despite differences like these, many nonverbal behaviours are

    versal. Certain expressions have the same meanings aroundworld. Smiles and laughter are almost universal signals of poemotions, for example, while sour expressions convey displeasureevery culture.58 Charles Darwin believed that expressions likeare the result of evolution, functioning as survival mechanismsallowed early humans to convey emotional states before thement of language. The innateness of some facial expressionseven more clear when we examine the behaviour of childrendeaf and blind.59 Despite a lack of social learning, these childrenplaya broad range of expression. They smile, laugh, and cry invirtually identical to children who can see and hear. In othernonverbal behaviour-like much of our communication-isby both our genetic heritage and our culture.

    GenderIt's easy to identify stereotypical differences in male and femaleof nonverbal communication. Just think about exaggeratedtures of macho men and delicate women that appear from timetime.Although few of us behave like over-the-top, stereo typicallyline or feminine characters, there are recognizable differences inway women and men look and act. Some of these differences arelogical: height, depth and volume of the voice, and so on. Otherences are social. For example, females are usually moreexpressive, and they are better at recognizing others'behaviour.t"Most communication scholars agree that other factors haveinfluence than biology does in shaping how men and womenFor example, the ability to read nonverbal cues may have more towith women's historically less powerful social status: People indinate work positions also have better decoding skills."! Ascontinue to gain equal status in the workplace and home, aical result may be less sensitivity at reading nonverbal cues.

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    296 Chapter 6 N onverbal Com munication: M essages bey ond W ords

    To obtain a job, most people go through some type ofprocess, and their success or failure can depend greatly on hownonverbal communication is perceived. In fact, nonverbalcation begins with the "look" of the resume-and we knowemployers are influenced as much or more by the overallof the material as they are by the content.You have read in this chapter that more than half of the C;l1JlVLlVllW

    content exchanged in interpersonal contexts comes fromcommunication. In this context, it becomes clear that a v~.H"UU"needs more than the education and/or skills required for theMuch of the decision to hire will be based on the candidate'sverbal behaviour. For instance, one review of research concludedsuccessful candidates had good eye contact and communicated indynamic, enthusiastic, professional, and assertive manner. Theysmiled and nodded more than unsuccessful interviewees.''! Seebox below for some suggested nonverbal behaviours that canyour changes of being hired.

    Whal you do speaks so loudly thatI cannot hear what you say.Ralph Waldo Emerson

    N O N V E R B A L C O M M U N I C A T I O NI N T H E W O R K P L A C E

    Nonverbal Cues to Land the JobDress appropriately.Shake hands with the interviewer.Sit after you have been invited to do so.Lean forward.Use your posture to indicate interest.Mirror the interviewer's position.Establish and maintain eye contact.Use appropriate facial expressions.Smile when appropriate.Use appropriate gestures.Avoid adaptors.Show your enthusiasm through your body and voice.Avoid the use of disfluencies.Maintain a good rate.Match your interviewee's volume.Be attentive.

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    Once you've made it into the workplace, it's important to beof nonverbal communication because it affects how weand make decisions about one another. It's also important thatand nonverbal messages be congruent-that they complementanother. Ifnot, listeners will typically assume that the nonverbalsage is the accurate one. For example, an individual who professesto be angry with a colleague but who storms out of the roomslams the door clearly conveys the opposite meaning.

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    N onverbal Com m unication in the W orkplace 297

    itionalerbaldidateie job.s non-ed that.d in a~yalsolee thecrease

    "Say what's on your mind, Harris - the languageof dance has always eluded me?'

    CTheNew Yorker Collection, 1991Robert Mankofffrom cartoonbank.com. All rights reserved.

    To communicate in a professional manner, signal interest, atten-tiveness,and credibility through your eye contact. Eliminate physicalbarriers by moving out from behind your desk and arranging meet-ings so that participants are seated around a table (preferably a roundone).92Be sensitive to the nonverbal messages you express through

    posture, facial expressions, or paralanguage. Try to increase yoursensitivityto the nonverbal messages of others so that you get theentiremessage they might be attempting to convey. It's important to

    for subtle nuances, those microexpressions that contain sounspoken information. Further, don't take messages out of con-but rather look at the whole picture. To widen your knowledgetolerance of intercultural communication, associate with individ-from different cultures.F'

    Another nonverbal dimension that's receiving considerable atten-these days is clothing. Since the late 1990s, employees have been

    much more casually, to the extent that we now describe theas professional casual. Many employers are becoming concerned,

    ,hnUTAU"l", because clothing that might be deemed inappropriate by onemight be considered quite suitable by another. At the same

    because image is so important in the business world, young pro-'~OOVHU" are seeking the advice of expensive image consultants to

    them hone their 100k.94They're being told to invest in good-professional-looking clothing and to focus on grooming andan air of confidence.P''

    Arelated concern here is etiquette, particularly during the businessAdeodata Czink, founder of Business of Manners in Toronto,

    1~A"HJlH";HL" that hosts arrive early, toast their guests, and arrange

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    298 C hapter 6 N on verbal C om m un ication : M essages beyon d W o rds

    payment so the bill never reaches the table. She also recommendsyou alert guests if there's spinach, a pepper grain, or broccoliin their teeth. Do this by making eye contact and gently touchingown tooth with your finger to indicate where the food is located.says that fellow diners will appreciate your concern-and disRegardless of whether you work in education, health care,

    ment, the service industry, or construction, you will be more nU:a,..t;,,,at your job if you are skilled at sending (encoding) and(decoding) nonverbal messages.

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    SUMMARYNonverbal communication consists of messagesexpressed by nonlinguistic means, such as dis-tance, touch, body posture and orientation,expressions of the face and eyes, movement,vocalcharacteristics, clothing, physical environ-ment, and time. Nonverbal communication ispervasive; in fact, it is impossible to not sendnonverbal messages. For this reason, nonverbalcommunication skills are vital. Most nonverbalcommunication reveals attitudes and feelings, incontrast to verbal messages, which are bettersuitedto expressing ideas. Although many non-verbal behaviours are universal, their use isaffectedby culture and gender.Nonverbal communication serves many func-

    tions.It can repeat, substitute for, complement,accent,regulate, and contradict verbal messages.Whenpresented with conflicting verbal and non-messages, communicators are more likelyrely on the nonverbal ones. For this reason,

    nonverbalcues are important in detecting decep-tion.However, it is necessary to exercise cautionin interpreting such cues, because nonverbal

    unication is ambiguous.

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    T E RM S

    K e y T erm s 299

    KEE P A GO AL -S E T T ING JO UR NALAnswer the following questions, then use yourresponses to work on your journal.1 . In what ways have you become more sensitive

    to the nonverbal messages that surround you?2. What do you see as your strengths and weak-

    nesses in the nonverbal messages you bothsend and receive?

    M ess ages Y ou S en dStrengthsWeaknesses

    M e ss age s Y o u R e ce iv eStrengthsWeaknesses3. Provide specific examples of how you can

    improve your nonverbal communication inthe following areas:a. with your familyb. with your friendsc. in the workplace

    illustratorsintimate distancekinesicsleakagemanipulatorsmicroexpressionmixed messagesnonverbal communicationparalanguagepersonal distance

    postureproxemicspublic distanceregulatingregulatorsrepeatingsocial distancesubstitutingterritoryterritoriality

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    T he C ha lle ng e o f L iste nin g 309

    ing toor dis-e yourwrong

    15. I do not seek opportunities to challenge my listening skills.1 2 3 4 516. I do not pay attention to the visual aids used during lectures.1 2 3 4 517. I do not take notes on handouts when they are provided.1 2 3 4 5

    Now add up your total score for the 17 items and record it in the spaceprovided. Refer to the norms below to evaluate your listening skills.

    yj PseudolisteningStage-hoggingSelective listening~Insulated listening

    Defensive listeningAmbushingInsensitive listening

    Use the following norms to evaluate your listening skills:17-34 = Good listening skills35-53 = Moderately good listening skills54-85 = Poor listening skills

    How would you evaluate your listening skills?rs, Adapted from R. Kreitner, A. Kinicki, and N. Cole, Fundamentals oj

    Organizational Behaviour (Toronto: McGraw-Hill Ryerson, 2003), p. 219.er,inter-

    -tures. T H E C H A L L E N G E O F L I S T E N IN GWhile listening may not always be easy, one way to become a betterlistener is to recognize areas that need improvement.

    he or Typesof Ineffective Listening

    gThepreceding exercise demonstrated some of the most common typeso f poor listening. As you read on, you'll begin to recognize them asbehaviours that you and those around you probably use quite often.Although you'll soon learn that a certain amount of ineffective lis-tening is inevitable, and sometimes even understandable, it's impor-tant to be aware of these types so that you can avoid them whenunderstanding others is important to you. Table 7.1 shows some of thetypes.

    ues or

    g. TAB L E 7.1 T yp es o f In e ffec tive L is ten in g

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    310 Chapter 7 Listening: More Than Meets the Ear

    PsendolisteningAn imitation of true listening inwhich the receiver's mind iselsewhere.

    Youmay as well tell people thetruth because they don't listenanyway.Earl Work, sales motivator,quoting "a friend from Prince Albert"

    Stage-hoggingAlistening style in which thereceiver is more concerned withmaking a point than withunderstanding the speaker.

    Selective listeningAlistening style in which receiversrespond only to the messages thatinterest them.Insulated listeningAstyle in which the receiverignores undesirable information.Defensive listeningA response style in which thereceiver perceives a speaker'scomments as an attack.

    Pseudolistening Pseudolistening is an imitation of the realPseudolisteners give the appearance ofbeing attentive: They lookin the eye, nod and smile at the right times, and may even answeroccasionally. Behind that appearance of interest, however, "VJ.H""lJ11Uentirely different is going on, for pseudolisteners use a polite facademask thoughts that have nothing to do with what the speakersaying. Often pseudolisteners ignore you because of somethingtheir minds that's more important to them than your remarks.times they may simply be bored or think that they've heard whathave to say before and so tune out your remarks. Whatever thesons, the significant fact is that pseudolistening is reallycommunication.Stage-Hogging Stage-hogs (sometimes called "conversationalcissists") try to turn the topic ofconversations to themselves insteadshowing interest in the speaker.!" One stage-hogging strategy"shift-response"-changing the focus of the conversation fromspeaker to the narcissist:A: "I had a great time mountain-biking last weekend!"B: "Mountain-biking's OK, but I'd rather go running?'A: "Mymath class is really tough:'B: "Youthink math is tough? Youought to try my physicsInterruptions are another hallmark of stage-hogging. Besides

    venting the listener from learning potentially valuable information,can damage the relationship between the interrupter and theFor example, applicants who interrupt the questions in aninterview are likely tobe rated less favourably than job seekers whountil the interviewer has finished speaking before they respond.PSelective Listening Selective listeners respond only to theyour remarks that interest them, rejecting everything else. VV.UJ,"'LllUselective listening is legitimate, as when we screen out radiomercials and keep an ear cocked for our favourite song. Selectivetening is less appropriate in personal settings, when yourinattention can insult or hurt the other person.Insulated Listening Insulated listeners are almost the onnO,oltptheir selective cousins just mentioned. Instead of looking forthing, such individuals avoid it. Whenever a topic arises thatrather not deal with, insulated listening means they can simplyto hear or acknowledge it. Youremind them about a problem,an unfinished job, poor grades, or the like, and they'll nod oryou, and then promptly forget what you've just said.Defensive Listening Defensive listening means takingremarks as personal attacks. The teenager who perceives her pquestions about her friends and activities as distrustful snooping

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    The Challenges of Hearing Disabilities

    The Challenge of Listening 311

    Bruce C. Anderson is studying to become a teacher of students who are deaf and hard ofhearing. He is committed to making sure that nobody is deprived of an education or successfulcareer because of her or his physical condition.

    I grew up with a mild hearing dis-ability. The word "mild" doesn'tbegin to describe how this affectedmy life. I couldn't hear many of thesounds or tones that are part ofmost peoples' voices. You can getan idea what this is like by imag-ining how hard it would be to listento a muffled, quiet voice that isbeing drowned out by loud TV andradio playing at the same time, ortrying to understand somebodywhispering words while your earsare covered and your head isturned away.When I flunked the schoolhearing tests in elementary school,I was put in a "special education"program. The other kids saw us as

    being different. and we were calledthe very worst names. I'm not per-fect, so I fought back when I waspicked on. I knew that I needed toescapethis situation, so I devised aplan. In the next hearing test, I justfollowed the other students. Whenthey heard a tone and raised theirhands, I raised mine too. Believe itor not, this satisf ied whoever was inchargeand I got back into the reg-ular classes.This didn't change thetrouble I had hearing and under-standing speech.Back in the regular classes Iwould sit next to people who I

    knew, and they would let me copytheir work. I changed it just enoughso it wouldn't look identical. Iwatched how to do the assignmentsand either handed them in late ornot at all. I also taught myself toread lips. I took all of the shopclasses that I could, and I watchedthe demonstrations carefully so Icould follow along. Many of myteachers let me slide by so I couldeither continue to play on theschool athletic teams, or just tomove me out of their classroom.The service sector of society neededworkers and I (and people like me)would be filling those jobs.I was very lucky in some ways:I'm mechanically inclined, and Ihave been working since I was14 years old in the maintenancefield. Since high school I have beena maintenance engineer, a welderon the railroad, and a service engi-neer for a commercial laundryequipment company. I have alwayshad to learn things through ahands-on approach because I havenever been able to understandcompletely what a person says tome unless it is in an environmentthat is quiet.I chose to become a teacherbecause I don't want anybody to gothrough what I did in school. I want

    to expose hard of hearing and deafstudents to options that they maynever have considered because oftheir disabilities. I also want to edu-cate hearing people that the hardof hearing and deaf are able tocommunicate, but as in all commu-nication it must be a two-wayprocess to be successful.If you're communicating withsomeone who has a hearing dis-ability, here are a few tips. Havepatience when asked to repeatsomething over once, twice or eventhree times. Remember: the deafand hard of hearing are doing thebest they can. Help is very hard toask for and it is very difficult todraw attention to yourself by askingothers what was said. If this stil l hasnot solved the problem try anotheravenue such as using differentwords or moving to a more quietlocation to talk. Even writing some-thing down may be necessary. Hardof hearing and deaf people listenwith our eyes, so make sure you'restanding or sitting so that the otherperson can see your face and yourgestures.If you make efforts like these,you will help people with hearingdisabilities. And you might also geta new appreciation and respect fortheir world.

    defensive listener, as is the insecure breadwinner who explodes any Ttimehis mate mentions money, or the touchy parent who views any Wquestioning by her children as a threat to her authority and parentalwisdom. As your reading in Chapter 9 will suggest, it's fair to assumethat many defensive listeners are suffering from shaky presenting International Listening Associationimages and avoid admitting it by projecting their own insecuritiesontoothers. hnp.z/www.listen.org

    others'arents'ing is a

    http://hnp.z/www.listen.orghttp://hnp.z/www.listen.org
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    312 Chapter 7 Listening: More Than Meets the Ear

    Fellows who have no tongues areoften all eyes and ears.Thomas C. Haliburton,Sam Slick ' Wise Saws

    AmbushingA style in which the receiverlistens carefully in order to gatherinformation to use in an attack onthe speaker.Insensitive listeningFailure to recognize the thoughtsor feelings that are not directlyexpressed by a speaker; instead,accepting the speaker's words atface value.

    Most conversations are simplymonologues delivered in thepresence of a witness.Margaret Millar,The Weak-Eyed Bat

    "Ear, Nose and Throat?'HERMAN: Jim Unger/Dist. by Newspaper EnterpriseAssociation, Inc.

    Ambushing Ambushers listen carefully to you, but onlythey're collecting information they'll use to attack what youThe cross-examining prosecution lawyer is a good exampleambushing. Needless to say, using this kind of strategy willinitiate defensiveness in the other person.Insensitive Listening Insensitive listeningexample of people who don't receive another person'sclearly. Aswe've said before, people often don't express theiror feelings openly but instead communicate them through aand unconscious choice of words or nonverbal clues, orInsensitive listeners aren't able to look beyond the words andiour to understand their hidden meanings. Instead, they takespeaker's remarks at face value.

    W HY W E DON 'T L ISTEN BETTERAfter thinking about the styles of ineffective listening described inprevious pages, most people begin to see that they listen carefullysmall percentage ofthe time. Sad as itmay be, it's impossible to listenthe time, for several reasons. Table 7.2lays out some of thoseMessage Overload The amount of speech most of us vHvV~"~every day makes careful listening to everything we hearAsyou have already read, many of us spend almost half the time

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    TABLE 7.2 R easons W e D on 't L is ten W ellMessage overloadPreoccupationRapid thoughtEffortExternal noise

    Hearing problemsFaulty assumptionsLack of apparent advantagesLack of training

    awake listening to verbal messages-from instructors, co-workers,friends, family, salespeople, and total strangers, not to mention radioand t elevision. This means that we often spend five hours or morea day listening to people t