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Miss Beth (1st ed. - 06.06.12) - missbeth6gmCopyright © 2012 Don Zolidis

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4

Dramatis Personae

BeTH, a rather typical cheer squad member, first Assistant Cheer Captain, later Cheer Captain

SaMaNTHa, her rather devious friend

BeTH’S MOM, Beth’s mother, an emotional vampire

COaCH TeSSa (Or TOM), the cheerleading coach

The Spirit Pantherettes:

BrITTaNyNeelaMarTaTaSHaKUrTJeSSMaNDy

CarVaGGIO, an assassin

BlIMUNDa, a rival Cheer Captain (can be played by the same actor who plays CarVaGGIO), played by a male actor in drag

laCKey, a member of Blimunda’s cheer squad

Character Notes

A note on the gender of the performers: This play may easily be done as an all-female cast. Simply change a few of Kurt’s lines and use option B for the climactic scene with Blimunda. If you wish to have more male performers, the following parts may be played by boys.

SaMaNTHa (change name to SaM)COaCH TeSSa (change name to COaCH TOM)KUrTCarVaGGIOBlIMUNDalaCKey

additional cheer squad members may be added as necessary. Some of them may be male.

Setting

a school near you.

5

Miss BethA one-Act with A pAssing resemblAnce to A certAin, unspeAkAble shAkespeAreAn plAy

(it’s okAy, it’s public domAin)

by Don Zolidis

(Thunder. Lightning. Maybe some rain sounds.)(BeTH, dressed in a competitive cheer uniform, stands center, and addresses the audience.)

BETH. (To the audience:) It was a dark and stormy late afternoon.(Lights up on the rest of CHeer SqUaD, led by BrITTaNy, going through their routine in slow motion. High-energy music plays at half-speed.)

My squad, the Pantherettes, was competing in the Sub-regional Championship.CHEER SQUAD. (In slow motion:) G.

(Short pause.)O.

(Short pause.)whaaaaat dooooes that spelllllll?

(Short pause.)GO!

(They freeze.)BETH. (To the audience:) How was I to know that this series of events would lead to my ultimate destruction? you see, the night before—

(SaMaNTHa, dressed normally, enters with a Ouija board on the opposite side of the stage.)

SAMANTHA. Beth! let’s ask it a question!BETH. you believe in these things?SAMANTHA. I would be crazy not to! Come on come on come on! Sit next to me sit next to me sit next to me!BETH. There’s only two of us here.SAMANTHA. I know, but you are my best friend in the entire world and if you’re not right next to me all the time I get insecure and then

6 Don Zolidis

a little crazy and then I think about throwing myself out the win-dow because life isn’t worth living if we’re not best friends, right?BETH. I guess.SAMANTHA. Okay—let’s go ommmmmmmm…BETH. what?SAMANTHA. Meditate or it doesn’t work!BETH. Sorry…Ommmm…SAMANTHA. Oh great evil spirit mass-produced by a toy compa-ny and distributed to hundreds of thousands of youngsters across the world—what will happen in tomorrow’s sub-regional cheer com-petition that I’m not allowed to participate in because I have terrible rhythm?

(As one, they jerk the little controller around the Ouija board with lightning speed.)

BETH. wow. what did it say?SAMANTHA. It said—“Victory is yours. First, assistant Cheer Captain. Then, Cheer Captain.”

(Thunder. The lights go out on them.)(The CHeer SqUaD enters, flush with victory.)

BRITTANY. yes! woo! we’re number one!NEELA. Number one! woo! yes!

(COaCH TeSSa bursts in and gathers them up.)COACH TESSA. all right team, have a seat. Hydrate yourselves. you gave a hundred ten percent out there.NEELA. I was giving a hundred and fifteen percent, actually. I checked.COACH TESSA. I will stuff you into a trash compactor.NEELA. Okay.COACH TESSA. you murdered that other team. They won’t even think to cheer in our house again.BRITTANY. Can I give a speech coach?COACH TESSA. Hold on. I’m about to say something profound. I was on the phone with my husband {wife} today. you know what he told me? He said cheering wasn’t a sport.

(Shock and horror from the assembled cheerers.)

Miss Beth 7

you know what I said? First, let me say that an attitude like that is why I no longer allow him to be within a fifty-mile radius of me. He circles on the outskirts of town like a rocky asteroid caught in the earth’s gravitational pull. But then I said: you know what? you’re darn right it’s not a sport. It’s life. and.

(She waits for it.)Death. you think a mere athlete could execute a synchronous twenty-foot seven-twenty twist while looking pert and fresh in makeup? you think a mere athlete could holler in unison and keep pace to the rhyth-mic, sensuous beats of lMFaO? No. They would tremble and collapse into a spineless puddle of jelly. That’s what an athlete would do. you are not women. you are not men. you are Nietzschean super-beings from the future. and I, for one, reJOICe IN yOUr SUPerIOrITy! we wIll NOT yIelD! we wIll NOT FalTer! we SHall rUle!!!!

(Short pause.)The regional Conference District Two Cheer Championships in two weeks. That is all.BRITTANY. Can I give my speech now?COACH TESSA. Oh. Sure thing. I just want you to know that I rocked my victory speech and you cannot hope to defeat me.BRITTANY. I’m not really in competition with you.COACH TESSA. Brittany, I love you, you’re a darling sweethearted girl, but I want you to know that everything in life is a competition. you see this face?

(She shows BrITTaNy her face.)I win with this face. every day. winning.BRITTANY. Thanks coach. Um…guys…woo!EVERYONE. wOO!BRITTANY. you were so super awesome out there! I mean it was like… the most super awesomest like wonderful amazing—I don’t even have words for it—but it was so special—I was crying under-neath my face—in here—

(She points to her heart.)Super wonderful awesome Greatness. anyway—Coach Tessa has told me that because of our win tonight—COACH TESSA. I call it a triumph.

8 Don Zolidis

BRITTANY. Our triumph tonight, I get to name an assistant cheer captain. and this goes out to a very super special wonderful lady…drumroll please—

(They do a drumroll.)COACH TESSA. what kind of drumroll is that? watch and learn.

(COaCH TeSSa does an amazing drumroll which ends in a su-per-incredible and unnecessary drum solo.)

That’s what I’m talking about.BRITTANY. Thank you. Our new assistant cheer captain will be… Beth!

(Terrifying thunderclap. The lights flicker.)BETH. Me?BRITTANY. yes! and now…with this spirit stick which was passed down to us, I anoint you…assistant Cheer Captain!

(BeTH gets down on her knees and BrITTaNy touches her with the spirit stick. More thunder. BrITTaNy claps excitedly and hugs BeTH. Everyone is happy.)

BETH. Thanks!NEELA. Speech!BETH. Um…I couldn’t be assistant cheer captain without you guys. So um…thank you.COACH TESSA. you call that a speech? That was a comment.BETH. I’m just overwhelmed.COACH TESSA. winners don’t get overwhelmed. They overwhelm their opponents. Beth—you have so much potential—you need to seize it. Dominate the world. Of cheerleading. all right team! Huddle up!BETH. Oh and remember we’re having a team sleepover at my house tomorrow!

(COaCH TeSSa and the other cheerleaders put their hands in while BeTH remains distant.)

COACH TESSA. T e a M!EVERYONE. TeaM!

(They cheer and all head in opposite directions.)(BeTH drifts to her house. SaMaNTHa darts in.)

Miss Beth 9

SAMANTHA. So so so so so? Did it happen did it happen did it HaPPeN?BETH. I am… assistant Cheer Captain.SAMANTHA. aaaaaaaaaaah!BETH. No it’s okay it’s just—SAMANTHA. OMG! OMG!

(SaMaNTHa starts to hyperventilate.)BETH. Calm down Samantha.SAMANTHA. Just like the Ouija board foretold! It’s all happening! IT’S all HaPPeNING!BETH. relax! Jeez. you’re freaking out.SAMANTHA. Freaking out? I’m freaking out? why aren’t you freaking out?BETH. It’s just assistant cheer captain. It’s no big deal.SAMANTHA. But don’t you realize what this means? The prophecy was correct—BETH. It wasn’t really a prophecy—SAMANTHA. IT waS a PrOPHeCy! and now…you will become…Cheer Captain. It will be glorious.BETH. Can you be normal for one minute? I haven’t even had dinner.SAMANTHA. Beth—if you’re normal, they kill you. The only peo-ple who succeed in this world are relentless sociopaths who will stop at nothing to achieve their aims. If reality Television has taught me anything. No surrender, Beth. None.BETH. well Brittany is a senior, so after this year she’ll go on to college, and then I have a pretty good chance of being promoted—SAMANTHA. what is wrong with you? Don’t you have any ambi-tion? The Ouija board didn’t say you were going to be Cheer Captain next year—BETH. It didn’t really specify a time.SAMANTHA. That means immediately. we must strike quickly. you’re having a sleepover tomorrow night, right?BETH. How did you know that?SAMANTHA. It’s in your diary.BETH. what are you doing reading my diary?

10 Don Zolidis

SAMANTHA. Um…hello? I’m your best friend. you can read my diary. Here.

(She hands BeTH her diary.)BETH. I don’t want to read this.SAMANTHA. you’re in there a lot.

(BeTH flips it open.)BETH. This page just says I love Beth over and over again.SAMANTHA. I know! Pretty cool, huh?BETH. Um…SAMANTHA. anyway, at the sleep-over…how’s this for a plan? you kill Brittany.

(Thunder. Lightning. BeTH steps out to speak to the audience.)BETH. (To the audience:) Okay, so at this point I was beginning to think that maybe Samantha was um…how can I put this delicately? Insane. and evil. Diabolical would be the right word, I guess. and I probably should’ve told her that she couldn’t be my best friend any more but—SAMANTHA. Ooh! Can I bring my knife?BETH. (To the audience:) But I was a little bit worried I might be the next target if I crossed her.SAMANTHA. I’ve been watching The Hunger Games lately. I’ve got lots of ideas.BETH. anyway, I managed to get her to go home—SAMANTHA. Can I stay in your closet tonight?BETH. you’re not doing that again!SAMANTHA. Fine! Be like that.

(She stomps off.)BETH. So instead, I got ready for the sleep-over.

(Thunder.)apparently we had terrible weather.

(BeTH’S MOM enters, wearing clothes that are probably not age-appropriate. She’s the kind of person who wears extremely high heels just about every day.)

BETH’S MOM. I am so excited I almost threw up!BETH. Hey Mom.

Miss Beth 11

BETH’S MOM. aren’t you excited? I’m quivering over here! This is crazy! Brittany and the other girls are coming over! yeS!BETH. yeah, well, the whole team—BETH’S MOM. You are finally becoming popular. My dreams have come true. Oh honey–oh…I just want to say that I am so envious of you—when I was in high school people called me a turtle. and they spray-painted my locker and then threw uncooked meat at me in the cafeteria. But you…you are aSSISaNT CHeer CaPTaIN. you’re like an angel!BETH. are you wearing my clothes?BETH’S MOM. I just borrowed a few things. They look awesome though, right?BETH. why are you wearing my clothes?BETH’S MOM. Because they’re so cute! And I can fit into them again. Six hours of Zumba a day and then three more hours of kick-boxing. I am feeling GreaT about myself. Honey–there are no more walls between us.BETH. yeah, but one of those walls is the wall to my room.BETH’S MOM. Tell you what—whenever you want, you can go into my room and borrow my clothes.BETH. I don’t want to borrow your clothes.BETH’S MOM. (Breaking down:) Because my clothes are ugly!BETH. Mom, no—BETH’S MOM. (Crying:) They are! I have terrible taste! I wish I was more like you!BETH. This is just weird—BETH’S MOM. (Sniffling:) you’re my best friend in the whole world, Beth—BETH. I’m not your friend, I’m your daughter.BETH’S MOM. what are you talking about?BETH. That is our actual relationship.BETH’S MOM. are you unfriending me?BETH. I’m not unfriending you.BETH’S MOM. Because I would not live through that.BETH. Maybe you should get friends your own age.

12 Don Zolidis

BETH’S MOM. you are the coolest person I know.BETH. Maybe there’s cool people who are like forty.BETH’S MOM. I don’t like them. I like you.BETH. Okay, but—BETH’S MOM. Beth. I gave life to you. you owe me. (Sunny:) let’s get ready for the party! Hey Beth one more thing: Don’t embarrass me tonight, okay? I’m trying to be cool. Thanks!

(BeTH speaks to the audience.)BETH. I couldn’t really worry about my Mom, though. you know, on account of my best friend’s plan that I commit murder and all. How do you update your Facebook status with that, by the way? Contemplating assassination.

(SaMaNTHa darts in.)SAMANTHA. Samantha likes this.

(She darts out.)BETH. No—I’m not contemplating it, of course. There’s no way I would ever do anything like that.

(The CHeer SqUaD enters as BeTH exits to change clothes.)BETH’S MOM. OH My GOD yOU’re Here!!!!

(She screams a little.)(Awkward pause.)

BRITTANY. Is this Beth’s house?BETH’S MOM. Oh yeah I’m sorry I’m so nervous! I’m Shelly. Some people think I’m Beth’s Mom. well I am actually Beth’s Mom, but I want you to think of me like Beth’s cool friend Shelly. we’re all totally equals here. right? you guys are so awesome! Hugs? anyone want hugs?

(No one wants hugs.)BRITTANY. Thanks.NEELA. This house is small.BETH’S MOM. well, you know, after the divorce…amiright ladies? amiright? Or not. I mean, you guys probably aren’t divorced. That’s cool. whatever. we don’t have to talk about that.BRITTANY. I think it’s cute.BETH’S MOM. THaNK yOU. you have awesome taste!NEELA. It’s like someone who’s old decorated it.

Miss Beth 13

BRITTANY. Neela. Be nice. Some people just have problems.BETH’S MOM. I know! right? like…are you guys talking about me??BRITTANY. No! we would never talk about you in front of your face.NEELA. Is Beth actually here?MARTA. Hey—um—are we like having pizza?BETH’S MOM. whatever you guys want.MARTA. Because I’m a vegan. and I don’t consume products that were made by slave labor.NEELA. Cows aren’t slaves, Marta.MARTA. Oh really? you know that? you are inside the mind of a cow? How do you know how they’re treated? let me tell you some-thing about cow brains—NEELA. They taste good.MARTA. what? what did you say?!NEELA. That’s the best part of the cow. The yummy yummy brain.BRITTANY. Teammates. Please. we are about to have a bonding experience.BETH’S MOM. I know, right? Can we talk about boys?NEELA. where is Beth?

(BeTH enters, freaked out.)BETH. Here I come! Sorry I was just getting ready—a little freaked out, though—everybody feeling okay? Brittany you feeling okay?BRITTANY. yeah.BETH. you’re not sick or about to die or anything?

(Thunder.)BRITTANY. what?NEELA. are you mental?BETH. Sorry! Just make yourselves at home! Nobody touch any-thing sharp!BETH’S MOM. when are the boys getting here?BETH. Mom. Go away.BETH’S MOM. I told you to call me Shelly.BETH. Shelly. Get out of here.

14 Don Zolidis

BETH’S MOM. you don’t have to be rude about it.(BeTH’S MOM exits.)

BRITTANY. all right time for embarrassing games! and popcorn!(BeTH steps out to address the audience.)

BETH. So on the party went. Midnight.(She turns to look at the girls. They freeze in a position of hilarity. Brittany has a bowl of popcorn.)

One o’ clock.(A different pose.)

Two o’ clock.(BeTH’S MOM sneaks in and poses with the girls.)

Mom! Go away!(BeTH’S MOM slinks off.)

Three o’ clock.(A new pose. Two of the girls are now asleep.)

Four o’clock.(Everyone is asleep.)(SaMaNTHa, dressed in an all-black ninja outfit, sneaks in on one side of the stage.)

SAMANTHA. Pssst!BETH. I see you.SAMANTHA. Pssst!BETH. you’re not supposed to be here.SAMANTHA. Do it now.

(Thunder.)BETH. are you crazy?SAMANTHA. yes. Do it now. Here, I brought you a knife. It’s one of my favorites.BETH. Sam—I’m not going to murder her, be serious.SAMANTHA. I’m going to say this to you because I’m your best friend. There are moments that come along in this life–opportunities where you can say, “I tried.” Think about that. There are people who go through their entire lives wondering if they could’ve been some-one important, but they were too scared to go out there and try–may-

Miss Beth 15

be you succeed, maybe you fail, but the most important thing is that you threw your hat into the ring and said, “Here I am world, let the chips fall where they may, I am not going to be afraid of life—”BETH. wait. So if I kill someone I’m not afraid of life, but if I don’t kill someone I’m afraid of life?SAMANTHA. right. who knows what Brittany is going to be when she grows up? a terrorist? She could be a terrorist. She’s probably going to have a miserable existence married to some rich guy who doesn’t really care about her and she’ll probably have a bunch of friends and some kids who love her or whatever—but she could also end up living in a cave in afghanistan—do you want to let her take that chance? She’s on top of the world right now. If you kill her you’d be doing her a favor. She’d be going out on top. you’d be crazy and mean not to kill her.BETH. This is really kind of evil logic, Sam.SAMANTHA. How about this? If you don’t do it, you’re a chicken.BETH. I don’t know–SAMANTHA. you can always blame the Ouija board.BETH. So I thought about it.

(SaMaNTHa gets right behind and whispers in her ear.)SAMANTHA. Do it.BETH. To act, or not to act?SAMANTHA. That’s not even the right play. you’re a go-getter. Go Get Her.BETH. Still–murder? In my house.SAMANTHA. It could be manslaughter. If you have a good lawyer.BETH. arrghg…

(SaMaNTHa produces multiple knives.)Okay.

(BeTH takes one. And as she approaches BrITTaNy…)BRITTANY. arrhgghghghg!

(BrITTaNy contorts and dies before BeTH can stab her.)SAMANTHA. Oh yeah. I also poisoned her popcorn. In case you chickened out. That’s the kind of friend I am.

(Thunder. BeTH addresses the audience. The other cheerers pick up BrITTaNy and carry her off-stage, maybe doing a solemn cheer along the way.)

16 Don Zolidis

BETH. It’s not every day your best friend convinces you to kill some-one and then murders them before you get the chance.SAMANTHA. Hey—I just want you to know. I have so much re-spect for you. I never would have had the courage to poison her popcorn if you didn’t implicitly agree that she should be killed. So…this is all your doing. Okay? Can I have a hug?

(BeTH hugs SaMaNTHa.)(COaCH TeSSa enters to deliver the eulogy. The other CHeer SqUaD members drape themselves in black.)

COACH TESSA. all right squad, gather round. First I want to say that I noticed a few of you are eating too many cookies at the dessert table, and that’s going to affect your trajectory in the air, so…knock it off. Second, we’re all sad about Brittany. She was a winner. well, she was, until she ate that tainted popcorn. But I say—“what does not kill us, makes us stronger.”NEELA. But it killed her.COACH TESSA. right. But it didn’t kill us. we are now stronger.NEELA. No we’re not!COACH TESSA. Neela, can you go back to being a brownnoser please? This backbone thing you’ve developed is becoming bother-some. I know Brittany would’ve wanted us to not think about her and continue on as if nothing happened at all.MARTA. are you sure?COACH TESSA. yes! Hey! eyes up here! That’s why I’m naming Beth Cheer Captain! I will now present her with the spirit stick.

(BeTH approaches COaCH TeSSa.)If the rest of you could make an angelic humming sound that would be great.

(The rest of the CHeer SqUaD makes an angelic humming sound.)you call that an angelic humming sound?! I could out-angel you in a heartbeat!

(They do a better angelic humming sound.)Thank you. Beth, by the power vested in me by various divine enti-ties, I hereby name you CHeer CaPTaIN.

(Thunder.)awesome.MARTA. Speech!

Miss Beth 17

BETH. Thank you. My people—um…I know that I assumed com-mand in rather…shady circumstances, and um…I’m sorry about that, but if we stick together we will be uh…winners…and we’ll win the District Two regional Championships together. yay.

(Nobody claps.)COACH TESSA. Can I speak to you for a minute over here?

(COaCH TeSSa takes BeTH aside.)what is your mental malfunction?BETH. I just…I’m just messed up about Brittany’s death that’s all.COACH TESSA. Hey! This is competitive cheer! we don’t have the luxury of having emotions! Now you go back there and make a bloodthirsty victory speech someone can cheer about! NOw!

(COaCH TeSSa swats BeTH on the butt and sends her back in.)BETH. My PeOPle! NO ONe wIll STOP US! we SHall TrI-UMPH aND DeSTrOy OUr eNeMIeS!EVERYONE. yay!NEELA. wait a minute! Brittany died at your house from your popcorn and now you get to be cheer captain?! Doesn’t anyone else think this is a little suspicious!?BETH. Kneel before me and swear allegiance!NEELA. Never! I’m going to form my own cheer squad and we’re going to destroy you at regionals!BETH. Try it and we shall break your spirit sticks and cast you into the void!NEELA. who’s with me?!

(Several of the CHeer SqUaD members go with Neela.)I will see you at the competition Beth. and you had better bring it.BETH. Oh we’ll bring it. you just make sure you bring it.NEELA. Oh we will bring it. we will bring it so much you won’t even know what it is.BETH. Oh yeah? well we will bring it even more than you will bring it and then we’re going to have so much it together that…something.NEELA. Come on guys!

(Neela heads off with several members of the squad.)(Short pause.)

18 Don Zolidis

COACH TESSA. I have to say I’m disappointed with how you han-dled that. I would’ve done that a lot better.

(BeTH speaks to the audience.)BETH. So it had happened—I had become—BETH’S MOM. CHeer CaPTaIN! OMG!

(BeTH’S MOM hops up and down and flaps her arms like they’re little wings.)

BETH. Mom. Stop it. Stop it Mom.BETH’S MOM. you are so cool now! you are just like the most pop-ular girl in the history of girls and you are My BeST FrIeND! This is so awesome! you can totally start dating the quarterback of the football team!BETH. would you settle for a second? First of all, the quarterback isn’t even good-looking, and we’re a running-dominated offense, so he’s not that important. and second–I don’t watch football. Cheer is a sport, all right? we don’t demean ourselves by attending the football games.BETH’S MOM. Oh. Sorry. I was living in the past.BETH. yeah. Stop it.

(BeTH’S MOM slinks off as BeTH turns back to the audience.)But I had other things to think about. Neela had taken most of our talent, and her squad would probably beat us in a head-to-head matchup. I had to think of a way to neutralize her.

(SaMaNTHa enters.)SAMANTHA. I’ve got an idea.BETH. without listening to my bloodthirsty best friend.SAMANTHA. who is the biggest threat to you? Neela? How do you eliminate that threat?BETH. I don’t really like where this conversation is going.SAMANTHA. It’s only going where you secretly want it to go, Beth. There’s only one way to take care of an enemy in the sport of com-petitive cheer.BETH. No! No! Okay! I’m not murdering people to get ahead!SAMANTHA. you already did.BETH. No I didn’t! you did that!SAMANTHA. I was acting on your orders.

Miss Beth 19

BETH. No you weren’t!SAMANTHA. Ninety percent of language is non-verbal, okay? you gave me non-verbal clues which indicated that I should go ahead and poison Brittany. I know you better than you know yourself.BETH. Just get out of here. and don’t kill anyone!SAMANTHA. what about just a little killing?BETH. No!SAMANTHA. Maiming? Horribly disfiguring someone? I could—BETH. NO!SAMANTHA. Fine. Go ahead and run your squad and hope they don’t toss you out for incompetence.

(SaMaNTHa leaves.)BETH. So I threw myself into practicing for regionals.

(The remaining members of the CHeer SqUaD enter.)let’s try it again!

(They perform a routine. It is awful.)what is that? what was that?MARTA. I’m sorry. I’m just not feeling inspired.KURT. I don’t even know what I’m doing with my hands.TASHA. I know what you’re doing with your hands and it’s not ap-preciated!KURT. That wasn’t my fault! That was her stupid routine!MARTA. Hey. let’s not lose sight of the fact that there are starving animals in the ocean, all right? what if we dedicated our perfor-mance to trout?KURT. I’m not dedicating my performance to a fish!TASHA. Can I have a new partner? Kurt is the worst human ever!KURT. I’m the worst human ever!? Can I have a partner who doesn’t resemble a whale?!TASHA. Oh well you loved that whale last night!1

KURT. That’s cause it was dark!2

BETH. Hey! we’re a team! all right?! Team! T e M.

1,2 These lines may be cut. especially if Kurt is played by a female.

20 Don Zolidis

MARTA. yOU DIDN’T eVeN SPell IT rIGHT!KURT. This can’t be happening!TASHA. I’m going to need to see a therapist!BETH. It’s T e a M—I know that. I know that. Just—settle down. I’ve sent out Jess to scout the other squad—the New Pantherettes.KURT. Oh man! even their name is better!TASHA. why is New Pantherettes better than the Spirit Pantherettes!?KURT. First of all, I’ve had a problem with being a Pantherette the whole time. People laugh at me.TASHA. They laugh at you for other reasons than that, Kurt.KURT. This is why I can’t love you!TASHA. Oh come on!BETH. Hey!

(JeSS runs in.)well? How are they Jess?JESS. They’re gonna slaughter us! we’re doomed! everything we’ve worked for is going to get annihilated! you should see them! The moves! The expert choreography! The gyrations—the gyrations are aMaZING! we’re all gonna die!

(JeSS collapses.)MARTA. That’s it. I quit.BETH. No! wait! Guys! we’ll be better. I swear.KURT. How are we going to beat them? There’s no way.BETH. Jess is overreacting. She’s like that. right Jess?JESS. (Sniffling:) Overreacting?BETH. right?JESS. No. I’m not. I cried tears of joy while watching their perfor-mance. and I felt the rhythm take over—I was clapping my hands and I couldn’t stop myself! and stomping my feet! let me reiterate: we’re all GONNa DIe!

(JeSS collapses again.)BETH. I’ll fix this. You stay here. And I’ll fix this. We’ll meet for re-hearsal again tomorrow. Squad dismissed!

Miss Beth 21

(The CHeer SqUaD exits as the lights shift to Beth’s house. SaMaNTHa is holding one of Beth’s stuffed animals, stroking it like a Bond villain.)

SAMANTHA. ah. So you’ve come back to me.BETH. I just need her incapacitated.SAMANTHA. Sure.BETH. Maybe bad acne or something.SAMANTHA. Of course.BETH. Maybe a sprained ankle.SAMANTHA. why not?BETH. But it has to look like an accident. It can’t be obvious that I’m involved in it.SAMANTHA. No one will know. we’ll wear black.BETH. But I’m not involved in it!SAMANTHA. Sure. you have nothing to do with it. Can I just let you meet the guy, though? I’m super-excited about this!

(CarVaGGIO enters. CarVaGGIO may be male or female, but he or she has a ridiculous Italian accent.)

CARVAGGIO. Greetings. I am Carvaggio. I have heard there is this thing you need.BETH. well um…just my rival cheer squad—CARVAGGIO. Cheerleading is not a sport.BETH. you shut your mouth or I will kill you where you stand.CARVAGGIO. Sorry. Sorry. I thought you meant cheerleading not competitive cheer. Yes. I have seen the many flips and choreo-graphed routines. Bella. Molta bella. S’cusi. I bet most football play-ers would not be able to do that.BETH. right. So…um…make it so that she can’t compete any more.CARVAGGIO. right. I have just the thing. No problem. Killa the girl.BETH. No not killa the girl.CARVAGGIO. Is okay I understand.BETH. That’s not what I want you to do.CARVAGGIO. Ninety percent of communication is non-verbal. I got it. Do I kill her children too?

22 Don Zolidis

BETH. She doesn’t have children!CARVAGGIO. Other family members? Maybe sisters? a cousin. Friends of hers on Facebook?BETH. Just keep the killing to a minimum!CARVAGGIO. right. Killing to a minimum.

(CarVaGGIO sweeps off.)SAMANTHA. I am so proud of you right now.BETH. I’m not.SAMANTHA. The old Beth would’ve said, I’m not sure I like the idea of assassinating my rival, but the new Beth, the improved Beth, says, do it. you’re growing as a person.BETH. I’m becoming evil.SAMANTHA. Good. evil. Those are just words. who’s to say that Neela wasn’t planning on having you murdered? Isn’t a little bit bet-ter to strike preemptively before your enemy can strike first? That way you get to punish them for things they haven’t done yet.

(CarVaGGIO returns.)CARVAGGIO. It is done.BETH. That was quick.CARVAGGIO. I am very fast. like bunny. with knives. and maybe a special thingie made out of piano wire that I can—BETH. I think I’ve heard enough. How much do I owe you?CARVAGGIO. Don’t worry about it. I do it for fun. love my job.

(CarVaGGIO exits.)SAMANTHA. you gotta respect that.

(BeTH steps out to speak to the audience.)BETH. So we continued to train. The rebels who had joined Neela returned to us—

(Neela’s squad members return.)MANDY. Hey. Our leader was impaled by a swordfish. We’ve come to beg forgiveness.COACH TESSA. winners never beg! winners win! But yes you may come back.BETH. Not so fast coach. I’m Cheer Captain now. I make the rules.

Miss Beth 23

(COaCH TeSSa steps back from her.)COACH TESSA. Oh—I see the grasshopper has become the butterfly.BETH. Grasshoppers don’t become butterflies. They become old grasshoppers.COACH TESSA. we’re not here to talk about entomology, although I agree that it is fascinating, and in any discussion of insects I would annihilate you. I still run this team, Beth.BETH. Not anymore.COACH TESSA. There’s only one way to settle this: an old-fash-ioned cheer-off.BETH. Bring it.COACH TESSA. Marta, prepare my special tune.MARTA. yes, Coach!COACH TESSA. and…one two three…hit it!

(MarTa plays a high-energy pop song. COaCH TeSSa begins her routine. It is spectacular. It has lots of spirit fingers and pelvic thrusts, maybe a back handspring [if your actor can do that]. She dances around BeTH, circling and taunting her with her awesome moves.)(After some dancing, COaCH TeSSa dances up close to BeTH and BeTH takes out a knife and stabs her in the gut. COaCH TeSSa steps back, holding her stomach.)

COACH TESSA. you’ve…learned…well. Spirit…forever.(She dies. The other CHeer SqUaD members watch.)

BETH. I’m in charge now. Got it?MARTA. I don’t want to challenge your rule or anything, but I just want to say that I’m mostly against murder. But in this case, since it was a human, I’m not all that choked up about it.BETH. wHO wIll FOllOw Me?! T e a M! TeaM!EVERYONE. (A little wary:) TeaM!

(BeTH steps out to talk to the audience.)BETH. I know what you’re thinking. I maybe went a teensy bit over-board with that whole stabbing thing. and yes, if I had it to do over again, I probably would not have killed my coach. That was over the line. But still…I crossed the line a little bit when I hired that as-sassin, so if I learned anything from my poor, dead coach…if you’re going to do something, you need to do it a hundred and ten percent!

24 Don Zolidis

(She turns back to her team.)I’d like to say a few words about Coach Tessa. If you don’t want to end up like Coach Tessa, do not question my leadership style. Got it? let’s get back to the rehearsal!

(The squad begins a new routine as BeTH heads back to her house.)(BeTH’S MOM enters with cookies.)

BETH’S MOM. want a cookie, darling?(No response.)

what is it?BETH. I don’t want to talk about it.BETH’S MOM. Sweetie—we’re best friends, we can talk about any-thing together. Come on. what’s the matter?BETH. I think I’m becoming evil.BETH’S MOM. why would you say that, sweetheart? you’re popu-lar!BETH. I know but I…I seem to have lost my moral center.BETH’S MOM. No! Not at all! Honey, you are special special spe-cial. you’re the cheer captain, you can’t be evil!BETH. But what if I did something terrible to become cheer captain?BETH’S MOM. So what? Honey: The ends justify the means. you’re a winner, therefore everything you did to become a winner was jus-tified. Okay? Now come on—you want to go to the mall with me and check out cute boys?BETH. No Mom I’ve told you I find that creepy.BETH’S MOM. you’re so busy now with your ascent to power that it’s hard to spend any time with you.BETH. I’m busy, okay? I have a lot of things to do and a lot of en-emies to destroy. It happens.BETH’S MOM. Can I mention again that I’m a very emotionally needy person?BETH. I know that.BETH’S MOM. and also that I gave birth to you and raised you and fed you in order to make you my best friend?BETH. Fine. But that doesn’t mean you are my best friend.BETH’S MOM. what?

Miss Beth 25

BETH. you’re just—I have things to do, okay? Have you seen Samantha?BETH’S MOM. I think she’s in the basement suspiciously washing her hands.BETH. How long has she been doing that?BETH’S MOM. Ten, twelve hours.BETH. and you didn’t stop her?BETH’S MOM. I don’t really like her.BETH. arrgh!BETH’S MOM. Text me later!

(BeTH moves off to the side, where she spots SaMaNTHa talking to herself.)

SAMANTHA. Dear Television Producer—My name is Samantha and I’ve got the kind of borderline narcissistic personality disorder you need for your latest reality show. I don’t care what it is: Ice Road Truck-ers, Giant Fisherman People, Wife Swap, The Real World—I will do them all. what about Hoarders? I could do Hoarders. Give me a week and I will adopt twenty-five cats and raid every garage sale in a ten-mile radius. I am unhinged, I am desperate, and I am so so watchable. Check this out. This is me having an argument with my boyfriend. I don’t even have a boyfriend by the way but I swear on all that is holy I will find a boy so shallow that he doesn’t even shower, he just dips himself into a cloud of axe Bodyspray and hair gel and emerges from a tanning bed with perfect abs and an unhealthy sexist attitude. But here it is:‘what are you doing you bleep bleep what bleep you I will eat your heart! Oh yeah why don’t you come here and make me! yeah that’s right you heard me!’(Back to the camera:) Here’s where I attack a random stranger and try to pull out her hair extensions.

(SaMaNTHa leaps at an invisible attacker and starts screaming and pulling out imaginary hair extensions.)

’Don’t you look at my man! you bleep bleep bleep I will eat your heart my man loves me I bleep bleep you come here again I’ll kill you!’ See that? I will be on the cover of every tabloid in existence. I can also get pregnant if you want.1

BETH. Sam?SAMANTHA. whoops.

1 This line may be cut.

26 Don Zolidis

(SaMaNTHa turns off the camera.)BETH. what are you doing?SAMANTHA. what does it look like I’m doing?BETH. Creating a demo tape to send off to reality TV shows?SAMANTHA. yes. That is what I’m doing.BETH. why?SAMANTHA. Um…cause when the police come for us, if I were a celebrity it would really help me escape justice.BETH. are you kidding?SAMANTHA. I’m not like you, Beth! you’re too pretty to go to jail! The jury will love you! But look at me! My face screams eight to ten years!BETH. Calm down. we can get out of this.SAMANTHA. you killed three people, you can’t get out of this!BETH. I didn’t kill three people! you killed one, I killed one, and we hired a guy to kill one! we’re all even!SAMANTHA. we’re doomed!

(BeTH slaps SaMaNTHa.)BETH. Get a hold of yourself! you okay?SAMANTHA. almost.

(BeTH slaps SaMaNTHa again.)Now I’m better. Okay. we need a plan. Consult the Ouija board.BETH. Brilliant.

(SaMaNTHa gets out the Ouija board.)SAMANTHA. Oh great demonic spirit inside this mass-produced toy…what will happen to me?

(They both jerk the Ouija board controller ridiculously fast. *It’s not necessary to get all the letters, speed is of the essence here.)

you. are. Toast.(She gasps.)

BETH. Seems accurate. Now let’s try me. Oh great demonic spirit in-side this mass-produced toy…will we triumph at the regional Cheer Championships?

(They both jerk the Ouija board controller even faster this time. *Again, make this quick.)

Miss Beth 27

Nothing to fear until a whole forest comes to the competition. No girl born of woman may defeat Beth.

(She relaxes.)Sweet.SAMANTHA. It just said I was toast!BETH. Maybe it meant you were going to have a healthy breakfast or something. Or maybe it misspelled toast.SAMANTHA. Instead of what?BETH. like um…instead of toes? Maybe you have toes?SAMANTHA. I’m freaking out!BETH. you want me to slap you again?SAMANTHA. No.

(She’s still freaking out.)Okay one more time.

(BeTH slaps SaMaNTHa.)Better again. It’s an honor to be slapped by you.BETH. I know.SAMANTHA. Can we do another sleepover tonight?BETH. Don’t your parents get worried about you?SAMANTHA. They have other kids they like more.BETH. I understand.

(SaMaNTHa huddles up in the corner. BeTH addresses the audience.)

The Ouija board’s prediction made me feel a little better. How could a piece of wood possibly be wrong? But tomorrow was the day of the competition—when my fate would be sealed. either I would be regional champion, or they would hunt me down and destroy me. I had trouble sleeping though—

(BeTH tosses and turns on her sleeping bag.)GHOST OF BRITTANY. Bettttth…BETH. (Tossing and turning:) Mmm…GHOST OF BRITTANY. BeeTTTTTHHH…

(THe GHOST OF BrITTaNy floats in.)BETH. aCK!

28 Don Zolidis

GHOST OF BRITTANY. remember me? I was like the best cheer captain ever. and I died at your SleeP-OVerrr!BETH. I didn’t kill you! That was Sam! She’s over there!GHOST OF BRITTANY. I’ve heard that like ninety percent of com-munication is non-verbal!BETH. No!GHOST OF BRITTANY. you don’t even have the right spirit to be cheer captain! I was the true cheer captain! I would have led us to the regional championship! you’re like doomed! like Doomed!

(The GHOST OF Neela enters opposite.)GHOST OF NEELA. Soooo doomed! and your hair doesn’t even look that good!BETH. I didn’t kill you either!GHOST OF NEELA. My blood is sooo on your hands!GHOST OF BRITTANY. Soooo on your hands! OMG.GHOST OF NEELA. OMG!BETH. leave me alone!

(The GHOST OF COaCH TeSSa enters.)GHOST OF COACH TESSA. There is no murder in team!BETH. Okay, you, I actually did kill.GHOST OF COACH TESSA. and I’m kinda cool with that, but still…on the other hand it was not coooollll…GHOST OF NEELA. Not coooolllll!GHOST OF BRITTANY. Soooo not cool!!BETH. Begone spirits!COACH OF BRITTANY. we’ve got spirits, yes we do, we’ve got spirits, how about you!BETH. Nooo! Nooo! Nooo!

(Thunder. The lights go out.)(Lights up on the CHeer SqUaD.)

MARTA. Beth? you all right?(BeTH stumbles in.)

BETH. I’m sorry what?TASHA. Get your head in the game. we gotta get ready.

Miss Beth 29

KURT. yeah.TASHA. Shut up Kurt. No one’s talking to you.KURT. what did I say to you?MARTA. Hey guys what about team spirit?BETH. Spirits? where?MARTA. Team Spirit! are you all right?BETH. I’m good. let’s do the routine.TASHA. your hair looks terrible today.BETH. I will cut you to pieces! I’m sorry…little edgy, that’s all. let’s get ready for the routine. let’s go out there and kill them! I mean, you know, not literally kill them, because that would be a crime and we would most likely be haunted by the vengeful spirits of the other cheer squads we slaughtered, but still, I would like to see them cry-ing and hugging each other in despair as their hopes are dashed against the rocks. right? who’s with me?

(The other members of the CHeer SqUaD look at her strangely.)KURT. That sounds fine.

(JeSS runs in, out of breath.)JESS. OMG guys! I just checked out our competition!

(She stops to gather her breath.)BETH. and?JESS. we’re so dead! we’re toast!

(SaMaNTHa, having just entered, hears that word.)SAMANTHA. aaaaaah! Noooo! The prophecy has come true!

(She runs off stage.)BETH. Get a hold of yourself Jess, who are they?JESS. When they throw their fliers into the air—they get so high they could be holding hands with angels. and their gyrations…those perfect gyrations! and they have signs that say Go! Fight! win! I can’t even stand it!

(She breaks down sobbing again.)BETH. what’s the name of the team?JESS. The lower Southeastern Kansas Spirit Tornado!

(Thunder.)

30 Don Zolidis

BETH. I’m not scared of them.(Thunder again.)

JESS. They all have spirit sticks! like a million of them! It’s like a forest!(Thunder once more.)

TASHA. How many people are in their squad?!JESS. Okay—like twenty—they have twenty spirit sticks.TASHA. (To KUrT:) This is all your fault, Kurt!KURT. what did I do?TASHA. Shut up! Just shut up and stop talking!MARTA. There’s only one way we can win, Beth.BETH. what’s that?MARTA. you need to challenge their leader in a one-on-one cheer off.TASHA. yes, totally! you should do that!KURT. yes Beth! you’re the strongest one!TASHA. why would you say that to her?KURT. what?TASHA. She’s not the strongest one. She has the most spirit. you make it sound like she has man arms or something.KURT. I didn’t mean that she has man arms! and there’s nothing wrong with man arms anyway!TASHA. you wouldn’t know anyway.KURT. well to lift you I’d need chimp arms!

(They look at him strangely.)Chimps are pound for pound stronger than humans. It’s true. They’d win an arm wrestling competition with anyone. My uncle is a zookeeper.TASHA. I hate you so much.MARTA. would you two stop bickering!JESS. we’re gonna die!!!!

(She hyperventilates again.)Or at least lose.MARTA. well Beth—you’re cheer captain, you can do it.BETH. all right. Not a problem.

Miss Beth 31

(She cracks her knuckles.)I’m not scared of this forest girl.

(Thunder again.)(BlIMUNDa1 enters in full cheer outfit, accompanied by a laCKey, who may be either male or female.)

BETH. Hello.BLIMUNDA. Hello.BETH. I hear your cheer squad is going to challenge for the regional Championship.BLIMUNDA. we’re going to win regionals, honey. you can put that in the bank. looks like it might be the only thing you have in the bank.LACKEY. Oh! Dang!BETH. That’s funny coming from someone who looks like roadkill had a baby with an octopus.BLIMUNDA. Sunshine, you must be a comedian. That was a daz-zling insult. I’m going to go write that down in my hurt journal. But when I look at you, and then I look at

(Takes out a pocket mirror and looks at “herself.”)This. Mmm mmm mmm. It’s like Snow white and one of the special dwarves named Chunky.LACKEY. Oh! She did it again!BLIMUNDA. and I don’t know how you forced your Grandma to design that outfit, but you need to tell her to give up on sewing and go back to using a glue gun to decorate her cat paintings.LACKEY. Oh! Cat paintings!BLIMUNDA. what did you do, put sparkle paint on the kitty litter and glue it to your hips? Sweetheart, you already got enough atten-tion there, you don’t need to highlight it. If I were you, I’d try to wear horizontal stripes—make you blend into the background.BETH. That’s it! you’re dead!BLIMUNDA. See my fingers trembling? That’s me being terrified. She’s going to bedazzle me to death!

1 BlIMUNDa should be played by a male actor in ridiculous drag. If you are doing an all-girl show (or if the notion of cross-dressing (in Shakespeare! How is it pos-sible?!) would cause your administrators to lose their minds), use the optional lines at the end of this section.

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