ministerial spouses 101 - amazon s3 · creative conflicts for caring couples (article + video ......

Ministerial

Spouses

North American Division of Seventh-day9705 Patuxent Woods Drive, Columbia, MD

New

101SC

HU

LZIE

/IST

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/TH

INKS

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2 TA B L E O F C O N T E N T S TA B L E O F C O N T E N T S 3

T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S Resource Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ivan Williams, Sr & Donna Jackson

S E C T I O N 1 C H A R A C T E R

TOPIC . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TITLE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WRITER/PRESENTER

1. Connecting with God . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . First Things First (Article/Activity) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jean Boonstra

2. Trusting and Delighting in God Exercises (Activity) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Campbell Page

3. Enjoying the Closeness of God (Activity) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Maria McClean

4. Only by Love (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Juanita Kretschmar

5. Following His Call . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Your Identity and Calling (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Donna Jackson

6. Message to Ministerial Spouses! (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Joanne Cortes

7. Called to Eternal Glory! (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Adrienne Townsend Benton

8. Your Purpose and Assignment (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jewel Kibble

9. The Lover of Beauty (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jo Ann Davidson

10. Authenticity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Long Reach of Authenticity (Article +Videos) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kumar Dixit

S E C T I O N 2 M A N A G E M E N T


1. Avoiding Burnout . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A New Way: Avoiding burnout (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ivan L. Williams, Sr.

2. Boundaries . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Beautiful Boundaries (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Paula K. Brown

3. Expectations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Great Expectations! (Article + Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stephanie Knight

4. A Male Pastor Spouse’s Perspective (Article + Video). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mark O’Ffill

5. Trailblazing in Bermuda (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dwayne Hill

6. Finances . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 Commandments of Personal Finance (Article + Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jennifer Christian Newton

7. Tax Man Comes (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . John Mathews

8. Influence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Power of You (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Janet Page

9. Loneliness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Loneliness: Escaping the Grasp (Article + Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ruth Horton

10. Moving . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Moving … again? (Article/Videos) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Karen Holford

10. Social Media Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Reel Life or Real life? (Article + Videos) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Matthew Gamble

11. Team Ministry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Together for a Purpose (Article & Activity) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Karen Holford

12. The Benefits of Team Ministry (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Herbert Eisele

13. Couples Counseling Couples (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dave and Eileen Gemmell

14. Partners in Ministry (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ivan & Kathleen Williams

15. Two Pastor Family Fast-Paced Adventures of a Two Parent Family (Article + Videos) . . . . . . . . . . . . Orlando & Elizabeth Pule

S E C T I O N 3 R E L A T I O N S H I P S


1. Balancing Church/Family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ministerial Family: Balancing church & family life (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Claudio & Pamela Consuegra

2. When Ministry and Family Clash: Living Upside Down? (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Karen Holford

3. When Ministry Gets in the Way of Family (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Roger & Kathy Hernandez

4. Conflict Resolution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Clash of Expectations: Dealing with gender bias (Article+Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Donna Jackson

5. Creative Conflicts for Caring Couples (Article + Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bernie & Karen Holford

6. Having a Tender Heart & Thick Skin (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Marilyn Wright

7. Dealing with Criticism & Going Beyond Criticism (Videos) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Galina Stele

8. Discipling Your Kids . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A Father’s Prayer (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jonas Arrais

9. Discipling Your Children (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Joanne & Jose Cortes, Jr.

10. PKs Live (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Youth & Ministerial Depts

11. Ways to Include the Family in Ministry (Article + Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cynthia Nguyen

12. Education . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Value of Christian Education for Ministerial Families (A+V) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Desiree Bryant

13. Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Four Places of Forgiveness (A + V) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Karen Holford

14. Friendships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hospitality: What I Didn’t Learn from Martha Stewart (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Eileen Gemmell

15. Sweet Home (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Eileen Gemmell

16. Befriending Spouses of Other Faith Communities (Video) . . . . . . . Debra Anderson & Paula Johnson

17. Intimacy in Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Mystery of Oneness (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Willie & Elaine Oliver/Tuckers

18. Members Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Developing Positive Relationships with Members (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Paula K. Brown

S E C T I O N 4 R E S O U R C E S


1. Ministerial Spouses Brochure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . NAD Ministerial Spouses Assoc. Brochure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .NAD MSA

2. Outreach Grant Application. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . NAD Ministerial Spouses Evang. Compassion Grant . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .NAD MSA

3. Chaplain Spouses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . NAD Chaplain Spouses Ministry (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Debra Anderson

4. Personal Development. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Discipleship Coaching (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nick Howard

5. Gateway Skills (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nick Howard

6. Motivating and Influencing Others (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Barbara Yoli-Davis

7. Restoration in Our Families (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jerry & Janet Page

8. Cultural Intelligence (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Carmelo Mercado

9. Facilitating a Small Group Discussion (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Faith A. Hunter

10. How to Find a Counselor (List) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Laurie Snyman

11. Maintaining a Healthy Emotional Balance (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Karen Holford

12. Married to a Porn Addict (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bernie & Christina Anderson

13. NAD Ministerial Spouse Mentoring Resource (Booklet) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Desiree Bryant

14. NAD Pastoral Family Stressors Research Report . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Andrews University

15. Surviving and Thriving Through Transitions (Video) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cheryl Doss

16. Treatment Centers Directory (List) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Laurie Snyman

17. Understanding Pastoral Burnout (Article) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ivan L. Williams

18. Wing-it Box (List) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .New MS Team

E D I T O R : D O N N A J A C K S O N I E D I T O R I A L D I R E C T O R : I V A N L . W I L L I A M S , S R .SPECIAL THANKS TO: New Ministerial Spouses Resource Advisory Team: Ana Tenorio, Elena Sandoval, Joanne Cortes,

Kathy Hernandez, Mark O’Ffill, and Stephanie Knight, Adventist Learning Community, General Conference of SDA Ministerial Spouses Assoc.,

Mad About Marriage/Lifestyle Magazine, and Real Life Talk/Hope Channel.

© Copyright 2018 North American Division Corporation of Seventh-day Adventists. All rights reserved. PRINTER: Seminars Unlimited, PO Box 66, Keene, TX 76059 I DESIGNER: Stephanie Leal

4 I N T R O D U C T I O N

Welcome, New Ministerial Spouses!

Your new tribeYou have recently joined or will soon enter the fellowship of over 5,000 spouses of Adventist pastors, chaplains, and religion teachers from Bermuda, Canada, Guam, the Micronesian Islands, and the United States of America. In addition, this group of females and males include those who are both a pastor and a spouse of a pastor.

Purpose of resourceCreated to support you in beginning well, the topics reflect the results of surveys of new ministerial’ spouses and of those with more experience, resulting in a buffet of topics. These topics are categorized under three headings that spouses have identified as areas that help them be more effective in this new role: character, management skills, and relationships.

Mode of deliveryThis free resource, being initially introduced in printed and electronic formats, features articles, videos and discussion questions, most of them short because we get that your time is precious and that many desire interactivity. You are free to use the material found here for your personal ministry.

AdvisorsBesides our union and conference ministerial spouse leaders, we’re grateful to a team of six, enthusiastic millennial and gen Xer ministerial spouses that have advised us on the development of this resource, plus they organized and ramped up our social media outreach.

How you can add to this resourceThough it features a diverse group of writers/presenters with varying perspectives – with which you may agree or disagree - the goal is for it to be organic and to grow with more short stories in video and print. Why not add your voice and experience to help new spouses by sharing with Donna at [email protected] one of your stories such as:• how you learned to operate out of your strengths and gifts or • the miracles or ministry that God surprised you with or • a humorous thing that happened to you or • the lessons you learned from what appeared unsuccessful or aggravating, etc.

Friends, on your journey, may you experience the strength of your Father, the grace of your Redeemer, and the wisdom of your ever-present Counselor.

Ivan L. Williams, Sr.Director, NAD Ministerial Association

Donna JacksonAssoc Director, Ministerial Spouses, NAD Ministerial Association

CharacterSection 1

S E C T I O N 1 : M A N A G E M E N T 5

ThingsFirst

FirstN U R T U R I N G O U R S E L V E S ,

O U R F A M I L I E S , A N D O U R C H U R C H E S

Pastoral spouses are a diverse group. Some of us work full-time, supporting our spouses on Sabbath mornings and at special events. Some are busy with the demanding daily activities of

raising a family. Still others are able to dedicate most of their time to working side-by-side with their pastoral spouse. The demands of life often dictate which group we fall into, and our level of involvement can shift over time depending on our own life commitments. No matter our level of involvement, we are all growing Christians, and growing Christians need spiritual food. What follows are some practical approaches and resources for a healthy, dynamic devotional and prayer life. We need this for ourselves, our families, and our churches.

Personal Journey We know we need to make time for spiritual growth, but knowing and doing are not the same thing. How do we ensure a healthy walk with God? We read in Colossians 3:1, 2, “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” Here are a few practical tips for setting our minds on heaven: 1. Devotional time: Life is busy, and the time demands on a ministerial couple or family are practically endless. Setting aside a quiet hour or even twenty minutes can feel selfish when the needs of the day press on us. But never feel guilty about the time. Regularly scheduled time carved out just for you and

God is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your spouse’s ministry. Try varying the Bible versions you read from. If you haven’t tried paraphrases such as The Message or The Clear Word, try alternating them with a traditional version such as New King James. 2. Scripture memorization: Revisit childhood and memorize favorite scripture verses. As you get back into the habit, challenge yourself! Learn a whole chapter or more. You’ll find all kinds of free resources for memorizing scripture. Here is a great place to start: http://mintools.com/blog/adults-memorize-scripture.htm. Include the kids and make it a family affair. 3. Share: Sharing our faith with others has a way of refreshing our commitment and reminding us of why we became Christians in the first place. Places to share include children and adult Sabbath school classes, Bible studies, literature distribution, and evangelistic outreach events. Find a comfortable place to share your unique talents and testimony. 4. Cultivate Fellowship: Fellowship with other Christians can provide a tremendous spiritual lift. Book a weekend away for a spiritual retreat. Meet a Christian friend for lunch or join a small-group Bible study. Mentor a new Christian. Carve out time in your schedule to cultivate fellowship. 5. Prayer: Martin Luther King, Jr., is quoted as saying, “To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing.” A healthy prayer life is critical to our entire Christian journey. We will dedicate the entire next section to prayer.

1. I have personal devotional time:a. Dailyb. Several times a weekc. Weeklyd. As often as my schedule allows

2. The best time I find for quiet devotions is:a. Early in the morningb. At night after the house is quietc. I take a break during my work dayd. I struggle to ever find quiet time

3. I love to share my faith:a. Witnessing to neighbors and others in my communityb. Leading a small-group Bible studyc. Teaching children’s Sabbath school classesd. Speaking up front at church and at events

4. I enjoy Christian fellowship best through:a. Church social eventsb. A shared meal with a small group at my homec. Pastoral spouse eventsd. One-on-one fellowship with close friends

Resources:

The Desire of Ages or any of the Conflict of the Ages

series, by Ellen G. White

Experiencing God, by Henry Blackaby

The Hour that Changes the World, by Dick Eastman

The Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian

Prayerwalking, by Steve Hawthorne

Robber of the Cruel Streets and Obstacle to Comfort

videos about George Mueller’s life

Various videos by Louie Gigleo

Prayer Why pray? God invites us to connect with Him through prayer. He invites us to open our hearts to Him as to a friend. We are nourished and grow through prayer. We are also actively involved in ministry when we intercede on behalf of others. God will use prayer to change our hearts and to minister to our families and our churches. Is prayer always practical? Can its outcome be measured? Certainly, prayer is a practical experience. It has been said, “When we work, we work, but when we pray, God works!” There is a wonderful return on the time invested in prayer.

Practical tips for your personal prayer time 1. Make time for prayer. Just as time to study the Bible is necessary and unselfish, so it is with prayer. Set aside time to pray. You can pray during your morning commute (just keep those eyes open), while washing dishes, or while jogging on the treadmill. The key is to make a time to regularly talk to God. 2. Find a quiet place for prayer and Bible study. In some homes this is more challenging than others. Think creatively. You might find that getting up a little earlier than the rest of the family allows you to have a quiet corner. If you’re a night owl, you might carve out some time after everyone is asleep. If your lunch hour in the quiet of your car is the only space you can find in the day, use it. Keep a prayer journal to track your prayers and His answers. 3. Recognize God for who He is. Reflect on the wonder and majesty of God. Here are some good verses to start with: John 1:14; Hebrews 1:3; Revelation 21:23; 2 Corinthians 3:18; and Matthew 24:30.

Tell us about your devotional time:

4. Confess your failure. Confession is good for the heart, and God happily takes our burdens from us. Too many of us carry around guilt, shame, and fear unnecessarily. God’s shoulders can carry the burdens of the world, so give it all to Him. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9, NIV). 5. Thank God. Spend time praising God for His work in your life and for His answered prayers. Praise keeps us centered on the goodness of God, even when the present moment might be difficult. Keep a thanksgiving journal, or write quick thank you notes to people who have made a difference in your life. 6. Don’t give up. God will always answer. His answer could be yes, no, or wait. Pray until you hear His answer—it won’t necessarily come right away. Persist. 7. Meditate in God’s presence. Prayer is as much listening as it is speaking. Quietly meditate and listen for God’s still, small voice. “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10, NIV). 8. Sing a new song. Music can speak to our hearts in ways that words often cannot. Include some favorite spiritual music in your devotional and prayer time. “Often [Jesus] expressed the gladness of His heart by singing psalms and heavenly songs. . . . He held communion with heaven in song; and as His companions complained of weariness from labor, they were cheered by the sweet melody from His lips” (Ellen G. White, The Desire of Ages, p. 73). 9. Pray for your church. You know the needs of your church better than almost anyone else. Pray specifically for the church leaders, struggling members, and also for specific outreach events. Spend some of your prayer time focusing on the specific needs of your flock.

God invites

us to connect

with Him

through prayer.

He invites us

to open our

hearts to Him

as to a friend.

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10. Find a prayer partner. A prayer partner can be a tremendous source of strength and support. Find someone you trust and who will uplift and encourage you and your family.

Ways to help your church grow strong in prayer 1. Make prayer a priority. Encourage leaders to make prayer a key emphasis in your church. Reflect this priority from the front of the church, in Sabbath school classes, and in events. 2. Establish a prayer room. If at all possible, designate a room in your church as a prayer room. Make it a special spot where individuals can pray alone or with small groups. 3. Designate a prayer coordinator. This person will plan activities to encourage the growth of prayer in the church. 4. Plan regular days of prayer and fasting. Special events that bring the whole church together in a common mission will bind them together and strengthen their faith. 5. Try prayerwalking. To walk while praying is probably not a new activity, though it seems different from the well-known formats of prayer. Prayerwalking is simply praying on-site with insight. It is genuine prayer—God working with and through people on earth. It is directed intercessory praying. Prayerwalking

helps pray-ers learn how to pray for others, deferring urgent matters in their own lives and moving others to the top of their prayer agendas. While many believers enjoy communing with God during private walks, prayerwalking focuses intercessory prayer on the neighborhoods, homes, and people encountered while walking. How does prayerwalking help? • It will thaw the ice in your neighborhood. The climate of steady prayer can warm the atmosphere of friendship. Hearts opened by prayer can lead to doors opened for God’s healing touch. • It will help you overcome fear of the troubled parts of your city. Prayerwalking provides a way to re-enter your inner city with Godly confidence. Prayerwalkers find that they belong to the places they pray for. • It contends with evil. Rising crime and open hostility to Christ are energized by spiritual evil. It makes biblical sense to step out from a defensive, fortress mentality and come physically near to the people whom God longs to redeem. • It brings progress in prayer. Most Christians sincerely desire to pray more. Prayerwalking offers struggling intercessors a stimulating way to stretch themselves in prayer.

Resources:

Andrew Murray on Prayer, by Andrew Murray

House of Prayer, a video by Cymbala, Gaither

Praise GatheringThe Prayer Saturated

Church, by Carol SachsLet’s Pray, a weekly live

prayer program on Hope Channel, Tuesday nights

What Happens When Women Pray, by Evelyn

ChristensenBridges 101, by Ruthie

JacobsenConspiracy of Kindness, by

Steve SjogrenPrayerwalking, by Steve

Hawthorne

1. I feel like God hears and answers my prayers:a. Alwaysb. Usuallyc. Some of the timed. For others, but not for me

2. As I pray, I enjoy connecting with God by:a. Journaling my praise, requests and

answersb. Listening to spiritual musicc. Prayerwalkingd. All of the above

3. My church’s prayer ministry includes:a. Special days of prayer and fastingb. A prayer coordinatorc. A prayer roomd. All of the abovee. None of the above

4. In my experience, prayerwalking is:a. A great blessing to me personally and

to my church and communityb. Personally satisfyingc. Not really my prayer styled. I don’t know, I’ve never tried it

Spend a little time understanding your prayer experiences:

Jean Boonstra is the Associate Speaker of Voice of Prophecy and author of various books including eight in an Adventist Girls series. She has been involved in team ministry with her

husband, Pastor Shawn, for years.

Find someone

you trust and

who will uplift

and encourage

you and your

family.

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Campbell Page is a chaplain and teacher at Kingsway College in Oshawa, Ontario. He has a Doctor of Ministry from Fuller Theological Seminary and is a certified chaplain with the

Canadian Association for Spiritual Care.

Reflect on the questions below in your journal or other paper, 1. How do you think a person who has learned to wait on God, delight in God, and be still before God would be

different from others? 2. Which word or phrase in verses 1-11 is most meaningful to you? Why? 3. What does that tell you about how you want to connect with God?

Sit in a quiet place and read the following verses: The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you,

in God ExercisesTRUSTING AND DELIGHTING

He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)

a) What song would you like God to sing over you?

b) What song would you like to sing to God to show your delight in Him?

Go for a walk and in some way delight in God at the same time. Don’t try too hard or worry about doing it perfectly. Just try it. When your mind wanders, pull it back gently to God’s goodness in your life.

Read Psalm 37:1-11

This psalm shows

concrete ways

of trusting God:

delighting in Him,

waiting, and being

still.

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Enjoying of God

D E V E L O P I N G P E R S O N A L R E L I G I O U S D I S C I P L I N E S

Developing Spiritual Habits

Introduction I am sure that each of us desires a greater sense of the divine presence in our lives. We all long to make spirituality a deeply relevant, sustained source of meaning in our lives rather than a marginal pursuit limited to Sabbath mornings. We want our Christian experience to be joyful, compassionate, mentally stimulating, and creative. We achieve this spiritual posture by what some call spiritual formation or religious disciplines. It must be made clear that a spiritual discipline is something we offer God as a loving, obedient response to His grace in our lives. It is not something we are trying to do in order to impress God or others. It is a spiritual offering that we present every waking minute of our lives. Spiritual formation or developing personal religious disciplines, is essentially the process of being shaped in the full image and likeness of Christ. This process begins when we make the decision to allow Christ to control everything about us (Galatians 2:20). All too often, though, we neglect the nurturing of our souls, not because we do not understand its importance, but because it is easy to become distraught by the unrelenting pressures of life that result in the urge to concentrate on preserving and gratifying self at the expense of a healthy spiritual experience. If Christians lack fulfillment and purpose in life, it could be due to the fragmentation of life itself. Without a center of meaning and purpose around which life

is organized, our days can be reduced to a frustrating pattern of multiple loose ends. The needed center or focus for personal existence can be achieved only by the practice of Spirit-directed and purposeful disciplines. When such disciplines are in place, God brings all our habits, senses, and desires into focus upon Him and His love. It is at this point that we are ready for service. What are these disciplines? How is this process of spiritual formation started and nurtured? How long does it take? In order to answer these questions, we will examine the experience of Moses. While engaged in this exercise, we will be practicing the disciplines that should mark our growth towards maturity as Christians.

First SessionMoments of reflection - Meditation/journal entries Christians need to schedule some carefully guarded time EVERY DAY with the Word of God. There is no short cut to the development of this discipline. Read the following Scripture passages and complete the exercises. As you read, make your priority that of listening to God. Keep asking yourself, “What is God seeking to say to me in all of this?” By adopting that posture toward the text, you will begin to allow the text to become an instrument of God’s control in your life. • Moses is born (Exodus 2:1-10). It is obvious that Moses’ miraculous escape from death is an indication of God’s plan for his life. Record specific ways in which God has revealed His plan for your life. • Moses makes a fatal mistake and escapes from Egypt. He moves from an influential position to one

THE CLOSENESS

Spiritual growth

is facilitated

through

ministry. WE

CANNOT

GROW

WITHOUT

SERVICE.

of dependence and limited resources. He is also forced to learn a new culture and work for someone else (Exodus 2: 11-21). Was Moses’ escape a part of God’s plan? How did Jehthro, Zipporah, and sheep fit into this plan? Can you think of a time when you had an experience similar to that of Moses at this stage? What was the outcome? • God speaks to Moses (Exodus 3). God engineers a detour in Moses’ journey - a detour that includes a mountain, a bush on fire, miracles, and an interview with God. Name some detours God has used in your life to get your attention, and to prove His sovereignty. Points to note: God takes advantage of a negative incident (murder) to pull Moses away from a life of luxury and comfort in order to get his attention. God can use anyone willing to be used. Moses was a murderer, but God saw what he could become when transformed by grace. When God speaks to us in meditation, He wants our full attention. This means that we need to be separated from family, friends, and life’s demands. Moses was drawn away from everything and everyone in order to enjoy uninterrupted intimacy with God. What is there about Moses’ interview with God that speaks to your interaction with God?

Second Session - PrayerMoments of reflection One of the disciplines Christians need to develop and maintain is that of prayer. Prayer must be thoughtful and purposeful. The door to the outer world must be closed. As far as possible, distractions and disturbances must be eliminated. Prayer is a relational conversation with God. It is listening. It is talking. Prayer is moving along in the confidence that God is guiding whether or not we are aware of where and how He is working. What we are certain of is that no matter where we are, He is there too. In the act of praying, our focus should not be on our words, our posture, or our interests, but on God. Our prayers should always be in the context of His attributes, His will, and His glory. Only then are we in harmony with Heaven. Read Exodus 4. As you do, put yourself in the place of Moses and pray through each of his experiences. The intimacy Moses enjoyed with God can be ours as well. The Lord gives great power to Moses (verses 1-17). All heaven is available to us during times of prayer. The Holy Spirit is the ‘power at work in us’ (Ephesians 3:20) to do ‘far more than we can imagine’ (Eph.3:21). His power is limitless. When we approach God in prayer asking for tools for

ministry, His focus is on what gifts He has given us. He will use what we have because each gift is tailor-made for each of us. All God asks of us is “What do you have in your hand?” (Exodus 4:2). In connecting with us, He is not concerned with what others have in their hands - He will deal with those individuals in His time and in His way. But our prayer should be for God to use what we have and are for His glory. If we need additional gifts, He will supply them (see Exodus 31:1-6). Moses returns to Egypt (Exodus 4:18-23). Once we have been ‘locked away’ with God in communion, and have been given power as a result of a consistent, solid prayer experience, God wants us to return to our “Egypt”. There are many there who need the same deliverance we now enjoy. God chooses a ministry partner for Moses (Exodus 4: 27-31). There are times when we need to be engaged in ministry alone, but sometimes there is a need for a partner. God is aware of the gifts of each of His children, and He provides whatever assistance we need to complement our area of ministry. But the bottom line is that we need to allow Him to do the choosing.

Third Session – ServiceMoments of reflection We’ve seen through the life of Moses that God uses many means to prepare His people for service. The greatest task in which God has engaged Himself is that of redeeming His creation. When we keep company with God, therefore, we will be involved in acts of service, not for personal stimulation and expansion, but as unselfish agents of God in ministry to the world. Service comes in many forms. One of the most striking examples of the impact of love spending itself in service is given in John’s account of Jesus washing the feet of the disciples (John 13:5-17). When we as Christians mature and live a transformed life in Christ, He shifts the center of interest and activity from us (our bodies, possessions, self-interests) to a larger concern for the community of people whose lives may yet be touched by the creative power of God. Read Exodus 5 Find a partner and discuss this chapter using the following guidelines. • Service involves facing the enemy and/or his associates - 5:1-21. • We are bolstered by the promises of God which enable us to live confidently and face anyone or anything - 5:22 - chapter 6:13. • And the story of spiritual growth continues … Victorious living is a journey that is guaranteed when

If Christians

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and purpose

in life, it could

be due to the

fragmentation

of life itself.

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we repeat the steps outlined in this study continuously. The story of Moses is a testimony to God’s faithfulness in enabling us to enjoy closeness with Him through disciplines of personal growth. Spiritual growth is facilitated through ministry. WE CANNOT GROW WITHOUT SERVICE. If we do not share, we are in danger of becoming as stagnant as a body of water with no outlet. But when we serve, we are like a stream that keeps moving and finding new paths of effectiveness. Once Moses was prepared for ministry, he did not retire. His story is a fascinating journey of grace - from rescued child to prince to murderer to fugitive to shepherd to messenger to leader to great prophet. His story (Exodus to Deuteronomy) is a record of a fearless, Spirit-filled leader, but more so it is a story of an awesome God who longs for us to get close to Him and share in His purpose of saving lost humanity.

Additional Material for the Facilitator

First SessionGod speaks to Moses (Exodus 3). • God took advantage of a negative incident (murder) to pull Moses away from a life of luxury and comfort to get his attention. • God can use anyone willing to be used. Moses was a murderer, but God saw what he could become when transformed by grace. • When God speaks to us in meditation, He wants our full attention. This means that we need to be separated from family, friends, and life’s demands. Moses was drawn away from everything and everyone to enjoy uninterrupted intimacy with God.

Second SessionThe Lord gives great power to Moses (Exodus 4:1-17). • All heaven is available to us during times of prayer. The Holy Spirit is the ‘power at work in us’ (Ephesians 3:20) to do ‘far more than we can imagine’ (Eph.3:21). His power is limitless. • All He asks of us is “What do you have in your hand?”

(Exodus 4:2). In connecting with us, He is not concerned with what the other person has in his/her hand - He will deal with that person in His time and in His way. But when we approach Him in prayer asking for tools for ministry, His focus is on what gifts He has given us. He will use what we have because each gift is tailor-made for the person who has that gift. Our prayer should be for God to use what we have and are for His glory. If we need additional gifts, He will supply them. (See Exodus 31:1-6)

Moses returns to Egypt (Exodus 4:18-23). • Once we have been ‘locked away’ with God in communion, and have been given power as a result of a consistent, solid prayer experience, God wants us to return to our “Egypt”. There are many there who need the same deliverance we now enjoy.

God chooses a ministry partner for Moses (Exodus 4: 27-31). • There are times when we need to be engaged in ministry alone, but sometimes there is a need for a partner. God is aware of the gifts of each of His children, and He provides whatever assistance we need to complement our area of ministry. But the bottom line is that we need to allow Him to do the choosing.

Third SessionExodus 5 • Spiritual growth is facilitated through ministry. WE CANNOT GROW WITHOUT SERVICE. If we do not share, we are in danger of becoming as stagnant as a body of water with no outlet. But when we serve, we are like a stream that keeps moving and finding new areas of effectiveness. • Once Moses was prepared for ministry, he did not retire. His story is a fascinating journey of grace - from rescued child to prince to murderer to fugitive to shepherd to messenger to leader to great prophet. The story of Moses (Exodus to Deuteronomy) is a record of a fearless, Spirit-filled leader, but more so it is a story of an awesome God who longs for us to get close to Him and share in His purpose of saving lost humanity.

Maria McClean, DMin, serves as the health and prayer ministries director of the Ontario Conference of SDAs.

One of the

most striking

examples of the

impact of love

spending itself in

service is given

in John’s account

of Jesus washing

the feet of the

disciples (John

13:5-17).


ALTHOUGH I’D BEEN RAISED in the Adventist church, as an adult, I had no devotional life. I knew all the Bible stories, but I did not pursue regular, personal Bible study or devotions. My

husband was the preacher; he gave the Bible studies.I was raising my family, working with community, leading church music, and running a clinic for the poor in Brazil, where we served as missionaries.Just before returning to America, I was forced to rest in the hospital to recover from a miscarriage, and someone gave me audiotapes of sermons by Pastor Glenn Coon, Sr., about the “ABCs” of prayer and claiming Bible promises. At first I found them merely entertaining. Then I decided to read the Bible verses he shared. Soon I began searching for promises to claim. I would read God the verse, tell Him I understood this promise was

for me, and thank Him for giving it to me – assuming that the gift really was mine. I began praying over every little need or question. As I claimed His promises, answers came almost instantly. I devoured the Bible and concordance, looking for more and more promises to meet more and more needs. It was as though God was there, just waiting for me to ask. Nothing seemed impossible!Soon after, my husband and I began ministering to a couple in a troubled marriage. The husband had moved out, and they were talking divorce. After I showed the wife how to claim Bible promises, we asked God to fulfill Isaiah 42:16. I was certain that God would open her husband’s eyes and bring him home. Didn’t God always answer my prayers? Weeks passed, then months, and there was no change, except in the wife’s life. I wondered why God

OnlyLove

BY

This article first appeared in the The Journal, 2nd Quarter, 2015. Used with permission.

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delayed. One night as we prayed on the phone, I heard her pray, “God, if he never comes home, please save them both anyway.” This was a huge contrast from someone who recently had wished harm for the other woman in her husband’s life. That evening I prayed silently while cleaning the house: God, is there another promise we should be claiming? I stopped praying. There was nothing more I had to say. Suddenly, a thought-voice spoke in my mind: YOU should go talk to her husband! I dismissed the idea instantly, thinking, I can’t go. I wouldn’t know what to say. Again that thought-voice spoke a command into my mind: Ask for the Holy Spirit. That was out of the question for various reasons, including that in my teens I’d heard a preacher warn about the Holy Spirit, saying that if you ask to receive the Holy Spirit, you’re likely asking for trouble. I’d decided never to ask. So instead I prayed, “God, just tell me what other promise I should be claiming.” Again the thought came, YOU go talk to the husband. Again I replied, “But I don’t know what to say!” Twice more I was instructed, Ask for the Holy Spirit. I put away my vacuum and, with much hesitancy, took my Bible and went to my bedroom. I opened my Bible on the bed, knelt beside it, and put my hand on the text in Luke 11:13. I prayed God’s promise to Him: “Dear God, You say right here, ‘If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask Him?’” I continued, “God, I am asking for the Holy Spirit so that I will know what to say when I go to visit that man, who is such a sinner! You said that when I ask, I receive, so I believe I have received Your Holy Spirit. Thank You. In Jesus name. Amen.” I paused. Nothing happened. I prayed again. Again, nothing happened. I’d learned that you don’t stop asking after the first prayer. So I read His promise and claimed it again and again for perhaps thirty minutes. Finally I realized that God knew I was reluctant about His gift. I wondered if I could prevent this couple’s reunion because of my unwillingness. I confessed this to Him and asked Him to help me to want it. Then I told God I really did want the Holy Spirit, and would accept that gift. It was then, finally, that I became aware of the Holy Spirit’s presence. In my mind’s eye I could see the silhouette of three crosses on a distant hill. I saw no Person, but I was aware of Who had been on the center cross. The thought-voice spoke in my mind: Your temper is sin, to

be confessed as sin and forgiven. I was stunned. It was true, I’d had a bad temper and even tantrums when I was displeased as a newlywed. But now it was under control! No more doors slammed until the plaster fell, rarely tears from sheer anger. I’d never claimed to be perfect, but over the years I’d told myself that since my temper was inherited, it was excusable. Now, I was supposed to call even my mature control of that temper “sin.” So I read 1 John 1:9 and confessed to God that even my “controlled” temper was sin against Him. I accepted and thanked Him for His promise of forgiveness and cleansing. A moment later the thought-voice seemed to speak again: Your spirit of criticism is sin, to be confessed as sin and forgiven. I’d always thought I was gifted with a ‘discerning spirit.’ Often I had inwardly criticized hypocrisy in others. For example, during ministers’ meetings, I’d judged the way some pastors uttered loud and fervent “Amens” to the prayers of visiting union or division or General Conference leaders, in contrast to what I thought was relative silence to when a ‘lowly” intern was praying. Also, the sight of a loved one’s weight problem continually provoked my inner condemnation. Now I realized that my spirit of criticism was more repulsive in God’s sight than someone else’s supposed apple-polishing, seemingly unfair monetary decisions, or a loved one’s genuine struggle with excess pounds. It was my sin that sent Him to the cross. Almost in shock, I again claimed the promise of 1 John 1:9, calling the spirit of criticism a sin. I accepted and thanked God for His forgiveness. As quickly as I thanked Him, another thought came: Your impatient tone of voice and the unkind look on your face toward your family is sin, to be confessed as sin and forgiven. (He helped me understand He was referring to those mornings when I had a headache after being up late claiming promises with someone the evening before—while I had been excusing my poor family behavior!) I quickly called those behaviors sins also and accepted forgiveness. Then I asked God, “Please, just forgive it all. I’m truly the sinner. Forgive me.” Now there were no excuses or justified reasons that I had used before for my attitudes and actions. At that moment I knew I was standing fully exposed before God. I thanked God for forgiveness and fully expected more rebuke. No thought-voice spoke. I prayed again, “Please, Lord, tell me what else I need to confess. I don’t want any more sin. I have been so blind, so busy straightening everyone else out, so busy praying for everyone else. I’ve been the sinner all along. I thank You, Jesus, for all your forgiveness; I accept it. But I’m sure there is more sin! Please tell me if there is anything


Then I

told God I

really did

want the

Holy Spirit,

and would

accept

that gift.

else, because I want to be forgiven of everything.” No additional conviction came. Finally I opened my eyes and looked down at the Bible, lying open on the bed to 1 John 1:9. I’d never before noticed a promise on the opposite page, which seemed to jump out in front of me, saying, “And this is the promise that He hath promised us, even eternal life” (1 John 2:25, KJV). I couldn’t believe it. He would want me? I got up off my knees and walked over to the window of my bedroom. It was for my sins specifically that He had gone to that cross. I was the sinner, self-righteous and hypocritical. Yet He loved me and wanted me with Him in heaven. Everything was amazing! He was telling me in 1 John 2:25 that I had eternal life. I got back on my knees to thank Him and weep at such love. I told Him, “God, I want to see You. What kind of God are You, anyway? You have waited so long, so courteously . . . I want to see You!” It was as if for the first time my eyes were open and I was free of the need for pretense, free of a façade. I had no idea I had been carrying a burden all my life, yet now I knew I was free. I was embarrassed for not even seeing the portion of Luke 11:13 where it says the Holy Spirit is the good gift of the Father. The inner peace was amazing. The next morning I began apologizing to family members I’d hurt by my attitude and words. Then I went to see the man for whom we’d been praying. I told him of my experience the previous evening, how I was the sinner whom God was waiting to help. As I shared with him the joy and peace I had found in specific confession of sins and acceptance of Christ’s forgiveness and cleansing, the man told me he

didn’t know a person could really be happy “being good.” But he said he would give anything to have the peace of mind I had found. (He added that 95 percent of his patients would get well if they had it also!) Way more than 20 years have passed since that experience. Eventually that man was re-united with his wife, and many changed lives resulted from their joint ministry. Besides freeing me from the power of an ugly temper, Jesus gave me an unquenchable urgency about His soon coming and a desire to tell others of His love and mercy. He enables me to follow the counsel I’d heard my husband share many times but somehow I had never really heard: The first thing you do in the morning as you come to consciousness, is to let God know that you choose Him, that you want His control of your mind and life, that you want to be possessed by His Holy Spirit.” And I have found that in order for God to be truly the center of my life, I must surrender to these guidelines every morning: 1. Before I look at any magazine, book or newspaper, or listen to the radio, watch TV, answer the phone, text, or check emails, I invite the Holy Spirit in to teach me more about Jesus. 2. I must spend time reading His Word. 3. I CHOOSE never to leave His presence until a passage of Scripture has impressed itself upon my mind as being a revelation of Him for that day. After 46 years of following this daily path, I can say that it is only by love that my heart continues to be won. In awe, I’m honored to love Him in return!

Juanita Kretschmar, a nurse and mother of three children, spent decades serving alongside her pastor husband, by prayer led a New York health / community e-Van-gelism outreach and a tourist attraction ministry in Florida. She now serves two small churches and oversees a full

power FM radio station that reaches the world via internet.

The inner peace was amazing.

The next morning I began apologizing to family

members I’d hurt by my attitude and words.


One morning a beautiful, tall, shapely young woman walked into a conference that I was attending. She sat with a pensive expression among a room full of mostly middle aged

and older ministerial spouses. Late in the afternoon she stirred to share. Her voice carried pain as she recounted how she had, with excitement and high expectation, followed her new husband into his first pastorate. Though the congregation was composed mostly of seniors, she was eager to support her husband and ’fit in.’ She admitted that after months of trying hard, she didn’t know how to try anymore. Another woman at the conference asked the young spouse what she liked to do and was good at. The young spouse shyly responded, “I love to play my bass guitar but the members certainly don’t want to hear it. They just don’t know what to think of me.” The responding laughter that rippled through the room was quickly cut short (without a call to do so). Instead we pulled around her realizing that our young sister was courageously and literally crying out for understanding and help. While this is a rather extreme example from the wide spectrum of responses that spouses may encounter in their first pastorate or area of service, it does highlight some of the angst that some experience in those early months. And it is not only the fledgling ministerial spouses who search for their place of belonging when thrust into a new congregation or military base, or campus, etc. “Who am I?” and “Am I acceptable?” are two of the big questions bequeathed us by Adam and Eve’s fall. Our sinful nature has a lasting effect on us –

like a frigid draft blowing up from deep within us and, at times, seemingly with the power to pull us down. That is why we need frequent assurance that we are acceptable. That is why we desperately need what Jesus said to seek – a constant abiding (or remaining) in Him and He in us. (John 15:4) While it is ‘natural’ to attach importance to what people think and expect of us, (and this temptation may never entirely abandon us until Jesus returns) there are three common responses that we can fall into: greater attempts at people pleasing; developing ‘attitude’; or reminding ourselves of our true identity and place of belonging in God. Your family tree begins with God Did you know that all of our human family roots are traced in Luke 3:23-38? This genealogy starts with Jesus in verse 23 and moves backwards to God in verse 38: “the son of Enosh, the son of Seth, the son of Adam, the son of God.” We are sons and daughters of God! God has perfect knowledge of you In Psalm 139, one of the most magnificent and intimate prayers of trust in God found in Scripture, David affirms God’s omnipresence and omniscience including God’s intimate knowledge and interest in you from conception on. Scientists keep discovering more astounding mysteries about humans. If you drift into a downer, just google Alexander Tsiaras’ TED talk Conception to Birth - https://www.ted.com/talks/alexander_tsiaras_conception_to_birth_visualized?language=en

or Cartographers of the Brain – re the Connectome brain mapping project - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoU_GF4fc6w. We are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made! God’s possessive declaration over you From Isaiah 43:1 listen to God’s declaration, in all its possessive beauty: But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.” (NKJV) By the way, in case you think that your sins disqualify you, read the previous chapter. The first word of this declaration starts with the word ‘but’ because it follows a list of obstinate disobedience of those He is claiming. A text that used to comfort me when I was a new ministerial spouse - and still does - is 1 John 3:20 (NIV): If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts… So though it is beneficial to be aware of the expectations of our spouse and the group that our spouse serves, and amid the striving to figure out where we fit in, there is something more essential to settle. It is God’s call on our lives.

The Calling The primary call that every person - including every ministerial spouse - receives is from Jesus; it is to a Person – Jesus Christ, not to a vocation or a place; and it is to live for Jesus.

If we answer this call of Jesus with all our heart and mind, and strength, and renew it daily, He will abide in us and we in Him. As Oswald Chambers so often said in his writings, “Be absolutely His.” The secondary call or response to the primary call that every Christ follower receives is to minister God’s grace to others – starting with those closest and dearest – one’s own family - and then to the church family, the community and through one’s occupation.

Family…and the two shall become one. Genesis 2:24 Teach them to your children … Deuteronomy 6:7

Church… keep the unity of the Spirit … He gave gifts …for the equipping of the saints … Ephesians 4:1-13

Community“I was hungryand you fed me..I was a stranger and you took me in…” Matthew 25:35

Occupation“And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus.” Colossians 3:17

It has been my experience that I’m not smart or strong enough to keep first things first. Only Jesus working His transformation in me has that special ability! English writer and Christian apologist, C. S. Lewis, wrote, “The more we get what we now call ourselves out of the way and let Him take us over, the more truly ourselves we become,” (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity,

If we answer this call of Jesus

with all our heart and mind, and

strength, and renew it daily, He

will abide in us and we in Him.

Your Identityand Calling

MA

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IS/I

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CK/T

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KSTO

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Did you know

that all of

our human

family roots

are traced in

Luke 3:23-38?

“Follow Me.” Matthew 4:19

“The God of all grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ. 1 Peter 5:10

“Abide (remain) in Me.” John 15:4

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” Deuteronomy 6:5

t

For Jesus

To Jesus

From Jesus


Called to Eternal Glory!

www.vimeo.com/141460499

Adrienne Townsend Benton, LCDR, CHC, USN

Videos

Your Purpose and Assignment

https://vimeo.com/295830637

The Lover of Beauty


Jo Ann Davidson, PhD

Jewel Kibble, RN

VideoMessage to New Ministerial Spouses


Joanne Cortes

1952, Harper Collins:2001, p. 225). The chart (left) is my little attempt to show just some of the things that make up the richness of the unique you. You are unlike no one else on the planet. Our true identity from God is that we have been created by Him, connected to Him, gifted by Him, redeemed by Him, forgiven by Him, called by Him and empowered by Him. Why not humbly wear your real identity and play your life with zest to the audience of One? And celebrate!

And the end of our exploring will be to arrive at the beginning and know the place for the first time. ~ T.S. Elliott

Donna Jackson serves as an associate director for the North American Division Ministerial Association and is responsible for

supporting ministerial spouses.

I noticed an interesting watermark on the slides on the screen. The graphics on the screen were clearly marked with the following words, “Thou shalt not steal.” The pastor had illegally downloaded the graphics without paying for them, and his crime was clear to the entire congregation! Last year I received numerous complaints of a pastor who was allegedly buying sermons from online sources and preaching them as if they were his own. Some of his church members were concerned about his integrity for preaching a sermon that lacked personal bible study in which he appeared to be the author. The truth is, there are many megachurches that sell sermon series. These series have been well researched, tested on seeker audiences, and come with a full graphic pack and customizable downloadable resources guides that can be used as sermon notes. When the pastor is already stretched for time due to growing church demands, the ‘sermon in a box’ can be very tempting. Is it wrong? Are we pushing the boundaries with truth? Let’s face it: Pastors are paid to behave good. While our job description requires us to be good examples, we face the real-life dilemma of temptations. Some of these issues are publicly known to our congregation, while many are only known within our own hearts and by God. We are tempted when filling out our parsonage exclusions. We are tempted with exaggerating mileage on our worker’s report. We are tempted to not eat according to our church’s teachings whether we are in pubic or in the privacy of our home. I am reminded by Paul’s struggle in Romans 8 where he says he wants to do what is right, but his human nature wants to do otherwise. There is a real tension that exists in pastoral ministry homes. Our intentions are pure and we want to do right (like the Apostle Paul) but we are also weak and will sometimes fail at living a life that glorifies God.

See Video 2 Spotting our own inconsistencies I have often wondered how God could refer to King David as “a man after my own heart.” We all know that David was a murderer, seducer, and a horrible father. Yet, God still loved him despite his human failures. The life of David reminds us of a man who also struggled with truth. One of the reasons I believe God loved David so deeply is because the King was honest about his own struggles. He didn’t hide it, but rather was transparent. When I was a teenager I already knew that I wanted to be a pastor. I started preaching at a young age, and became an itinerant youth preacher through the support of my pastor. During that period, I would wake up early on Sunday mornings and watch all the television evangelists. My favorite preacher who I tried to emulate was Jimmy Swaggart. In addition, every week night I watched the PTL Club with Jim and Tammy Baker. Their show was inspiring and fun to watch. As you may recall, within a short time, my religious heroes were publicly caught in scandal. They made unfortunate decisions that led to the demise of their ministry. Even my pastor was terminated due to immoral behavior.

Finding a model Where do we put our trust? From whom do we learn how to live a life of integrity? There are hundreds of books on church leadership that can be consulted. However, I am drawn to Ellen White’s counsel in Pastoral Ministry, where she reminds the pastor to use Jesus as the Model Pastor. “Every minister should study closely the manner of Christ’s teaching. They must take in His lessons…The truth will blossom and bear the noblest kind of fruit. And the worker’s own heart will be warmed.”

Incidentally, remember that model Pathfinder leader’s family? One day the parents confessed to me that they had chided their family to be more like mine. After I shared my confession, we certainly had a hearty laugh – and reality check. __________________________Ellen G. White, Pastoral Ministry (Silver Spring, MD: General Conference Ministerial Association, 1995), 281.

Have you heard of the ‘slippery slope of dishonesty’?

In 2016 scientists reported empirical evidence that our brains – activity in the bilateral amygdala and the associated negative emotions – can gradually adapt and become desensitized to repeated, self-serving lies. As well, this can escalate gradually from ‘small lies’ to ever-larger ones with repetition and become a ‘slippery slope.’

Nature Neuroscience journal articles: “Slippery Slope of

Dishonesty,” by J.B. Engelmann and E. Fehr, Nov. 19, 2016 and “The

Brain Adapts to Dishonesty,” by N Garrett, S. Clazarro, D. Ariely, and T.

Sharot, Dec., 2016.

Kumar Dixit, D.Min., is husband of Rajinie, a speech-language pathologist, and father of three children. He was, at the time of the writing of this article, the

Chaplain of WGTS 91.9 radio station.


T H E LO N G R E A C H

Authenticity

It was Sabbath morning and we were parked outside of the church. At 9:12 I was 45 minutes late, stressed about teaching the adult Sabbath School class, and concerned about my ill-prepared sermon. Anger

caused my heart to race, as all three kids sat in the back of our mini-van crying while my wife stared silently out the window. Does any other profession have to bring their family to work with them? I was feeling sorry for myself. The children’s tears were caused by an argument about which Sabbath DVD to watch during the thirty minute commute to church. My wife’s silence was the result of a fight we had the night before in which she tearfully accused, “You don’t pull your share around the house. We are slaves, who must accommodate your pastoral schedule.” Although I had argued vigorously, she had a good point. During our fifteen years of marriage, she encouraged me to finish my master’s degree and doctorate while she gave up her career to work part-time so we could raise our three kids. She had moved cross-country twice and we had lived in eight different homes. After finally landing her perfect job, we moved to another country, so I could pastor my “dream” church. She was exhausted, her eyes were sunken, and she could no longer conceal the sadness in them. “Okay, get yourselves together,” I demanded. Each kid had his or her own “church chores.” They would help set up tables and chairs, and run last-minute errands around the building for me. We were already well behind schedule. Preparing to exit the van, I looked through the rear

window, and saw the Pathfinder leader pulling up behind us. What a perfect family. They had one more child than we did, and yet, they were so active and involved in church, and always on time! They hosted a Pathfinder vespers every Friday night at their home. His wife dutifully made supper for over 25 kids and parents. Even though vespers often ended late, they seemed to get to church early every week. I wish I could trade families for a day. As our families vacated each vehicle, the Sabbath smiles and greetings emerged. There were giggles and hugs replacing what, only a few minutes ago, was hitting, fighting, and crying. Miraculously my wife’s eyes appeared bright and cheerful and we walked into church together, hand in hand, as one happy family. We were Sabbath actors, performing our Sabbath best. Can you resonate with this story? I wish I could say this only happened once. Unfortunately, a version of this story has occurred too many times to count. And after serving as a conference ministerial director, I know many pastor’s families who have had a similar experience where there is the pressure to be or act perfect.

So what can be done to preserve the authenticity and emotional health pastors and their families? How can they live a life of integrity in public and private?

See Video 1 Pushing the boundaries of truth A few years ago, I was listening to a sermon when

FOR

My wife’s silence

was the result of a

fight we had the

night before in

which she tearfully

accused, “You

don’t pull your

share around the

house. We are

slaves, who must

accommodate

your pastoral

schedule.”

This article has been adapted from the Jan, 2018 At Home Conversation Starters electronic magazine (published by the NAD Ministerial Department).

JACO

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ManagementSection 2

22 S E C T I O N 1 : C H A R A C T E R S E C T I O N 2 : M A N A G E M E N T 23

Videos1. Great Controversy

Conversation Starters: How do you think Chaplain Sanjay handled the dialogue with his senior pastor? How

would you have handled the senior pastor’s request? What are some potential impacts of compromising your

integrity and/or authenticity over a prolonged time-period?


2. The Secret 1. True or False: It can, at times, be easier to see inconsistencies in

my partner or someone that I’m close to than to recognize them in myself. If you agree, give an example and tell why you think this

happens. 2. Have you ever found yourself taking a stronger stance on

something you don’t fully believe or practice just to make a point? What made you do so?


25S E C T I O N 2 : M A N A G E M E N T

As a pastor’s spouse, do you feel worn out or pressured by unrealistic expectations? Have you ever felt like the “doing” of your ministry was unsustainable? I want to suggest

that when you get to the place where you just feel overextended ... overcommitted ... totally exhausted, you must say to yourself: “Hey, I need to make a change.” In addition to being a pastor’s spouse, you are working inside and/or outside the home. You may also be a parent or caretaker of your parents. Whatever your personal responsibilities, the expectations of others can add layers of stress on you. Left unrecognized and unchecked, stress can be an open door to burnout—a recurring possibility in the ministerial life. I define burnout as a multi-faceted, experiential feeling of exhaustion resulting from layered stress. It is felt physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. So how do you prevent burnout? First, you must be aware of your layered stress and exhaustion. Then, you must acknowledge your need for self-care. In times past, taking care of yourself was not viewed as an essential priority for Christian living. Indeed, giving any thought to yourself was regarded with suspicion. Some even believed it was inappropriate behavior for a faithful Christian disciple. Consequently, most of us learned that we should be careful about how we considered ourselves. Quite frankly, this is a non-biblical approach to living. Even Jesus often went off to a private place to rest awhile (Mark 6:31). If periodic physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self-care was our Lord’s practice, it should be ours. It’s very difficult to take

care of others if you neglect your own well-being. So, take care of yourself! Another way to prevent burnout is to find a joyful balance between “doing” and “being.” We need to shift our focus and understand ministry as not solely a task-orientated practice. Contemplative personal time with the Lord is just as important in the life of a pastor’s spouse as are the active times of responsibility, care, and leadership. This balance can be difficult for ministerial spouses. They are often so busy “doing” that “being”—the devotional activity—seems impossible. Home life, personal concerns, work, and church involvement often crowd out our relationship with Jesus. We lose the balance we need between being with God versus doing the work of God. Our need is not for more activity, even activity that is spiritual. Rather, we need to shift from the “doing” to allow time and space for the spiritual. In his book, Between Two Worlds: Understanding and Managing Clergy Stress, Andrew R. Irvine writes: “The clamor of activism in the outer physical world, prompted by the clutter of unresolved issues in the inner world, prevents the development and nurture of the spiritual which must transcend both worlds. There is a need to remove the clutter so that in the midst of all of life, the transcendent spirit can be experienced.”* Burnout prevention and balanced living are dependent on the daily practice of being in a close relationship with God through mind, body, soul, and spirit. This is the journey of a lifetime. Francis De Sales said it well: “Be patient with everyone, but above all with thyself.”

*Irvine, Andrew R. Between Two Worlds: Understanding and Managing Clergy Stress. London: Mowbray, 1997, p. 9.

We lose the

balance we

need between

being with God

versus doing the

work of God.

A New Focus: Avoiding Burnout

Ivan Williams Sr., DMin, serves as the director of the NAD Ministerial Departmentand is co-host of “Ministry in Motion,” aired on television and radio. His doctoral dissertation

dealt with pastoral burnout. Ivan recently retired as US Air Force Chaplain (Lieutenant Colonel).

24 S E C T I O N 2 : M A N A G E M E N T

It was a long day at church and I was looking forward to getting home to put on some comfortable clothes and enjoy a good meal. However, before I could do that I needed to gather the children, find my pastoral spouse, and make a mad dash for

the car. I soon realized that I wasn’t the only one looking for my husband. Some members inquired of me his whereabouts and I kindly informed them that I was on the same mission as they were. Thinking that would be the end of the conversation, to my surprise, many members gave me messages to share with him when I located him. Since this was early in our ministry, I wasn’t quite sure how to handle this situation. Would this become a weekly ordeal? What if I forget a message? What if I don’t know the name of the member who gave me the message? These were just a few of the questions that danced around in my head. I thought to myself, “I’m not his administrative assistant.” Then I noticed that my attitude began to change when, week after week, members began to seek me out and give me messages for my husband. My husband also noticed the change in my attitude. After several conversations we were able to get to the bottom of the problem. Although we’re one flesh, I wanted to be seen as an individual and not just an extension of my spouse.

The Plan We needed boundaries. Personal boundaries provide guidelines regarding what members can expect from their pastor and his or her spouse. When a ministry couple has personal boundaries, it becomes a win-win situation. The congregation and pastoral couple are able to communicate and relate to each other in a more effective way. The following week, I went to church armed with a smile and my newfound boundaries. After the service, a well-intentioned member who asked me to give a message to the pastor for them approached me. I kindly shared with them the best way to ensure that their important message was received by the pastor would be to contact him directly during his office hours or stop by his office and give him the message personally (in writing preferably). It was a new way for some members, however it was well received in time and we lived happily ever-after. Honestly, boundaries can sound harsh but they really are a

beautiful thing. They communicate mutual respect for all involved. Boundaries are defined as something that shows where an area ends and another area begins. They indicate a point or limit that shows where two things become different.1 When we have boundaries with our members it facilitates a healthier relationship. When practiced daily, it can free us from resentment towards our members and spouse. It allows us to clearly state how we can be of service versus the areas outside of our gifting or comfort zone. I would like to recommend a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.2 It revolutionized my relationships and ministry.God has boundaries with his people because He loves us. We can benefit from being honest with others and ourselves about what we can do and how we can serve. Keep in mind that we can always reserve the right to make adjustments along the way as our circumstances change as a ministerial spouse and family. Boundaries are one way of showing love for others without forgetting to love ourselves. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS: 1. List some ways in which boundaries can foster healthier relationships. 2. Share one boundary that have you set for yourself personally or for your family with church members that has led to a positive benefit in your life. 3. We are told to “love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 19:19) How can setting boundaries help us to do this? 4. Discuss some of the boundaries that Jesus established in His own life on earth and find a Scripture passage that addresses it such as:• Prayer time• Played His life to an audience of One• Forthright communication• Set priorities• Others

Since this

was early in

our ministry, I

wasn’t quite

sure how to

handle this

situation.

Beautiful Boundaries

Stephanie J. Knight resides in the Metro-Atlanta, Georgia area with her loving husband and two wonderful children. She enjoys good conversation and quality time with family and friends. Stephanie has served her community as a pediatric occupational therapist for nearly a decade.

26 S E C T I O N 2 : M A N A G E M E N T S E C T I O N 2 : M A N A G E M E N T 27

G R E ATExpectations

Expectations are normal. They are patterns in our mind, created by stories and experiences, that help us to anticipate someone else’s behavior so we can plan ours. We’ve all got a heap of

expectations about how pastors and their families should behave. Some of these ideas are still infused with the warm memories of a picture-perfect pastor’s wife from the last century. Many expectations about pastors and their families lurk silently and invisibly beneath the surface of church life, like giant jellyfish. Until we bump into a stray tentacle and feel its sting. We’d only been in our first church a few months when some young women arranged to meet me. They sat and prayed for me while I read their thirteen-page letter. It listed all my serious flaws, like making desserts for pot-luck (totally forbidden), rocking our baby daughter to sleep in church (she should be awake and listening – seriously!) and not coming to every meeting in the church. I was young and devastated, and I said some things that I hope they’ve forgotten. I made a mental note of the unspoken pot-luck rules. But most of their expectations were based on the experience of their previous, almost retired, pastor’s wife – totally unrealistic for a young mother and small children. Congregational expectations change quite a bit if you’re male. But I’ll allow the spouses of women clergy to express what their experience has been. Connect It’s normal for churches to have some expectations

of the pastor’s family, and vice versa. When you arrive at a new church explore the members’ expectations by connecting with them and having an open discussion about expectations. Here’s one idea to initiate a discussion: Prepare several food cartons, such as pizza boxes, chocolate boxes, cereal boxes, and fast food sacks. Mix up the contents. Put cereal in the chocolate box, chocolates in the pizza box, and salad in the fast food box. Ask people to guess what’s inside each container. Sometimes the contents are way beyond our expectations, sometimes they’re surprising, and sometimes they’re just very disappointing. Invite people to talk about how they manage other people’s expectations of them, or how they manage when other people disappoint them. Distribute slips of paper in two colors, one for the expectations that church members have of the pastor’s family, and another color for what the pastor’s family can expect of the church members. Meanwhile, write a list of what the members can expect from you, including some of your unexpected talents (perhaps you’re a gifted cellist), your roles as you see them, and one or two of your “growth areas” (such as forgetting people’s names, or not being the best children’s story teller in the world). Sharing your challenges reminds them that no pastor’s family is perfect. Invite the church members to look at their expectations of the pastor’s family, stack them in categories, and then arrange them to show which ones they think are the most important. Share your own expectations and encourage a warm and open

Many

expectations

about pastors

and their families

lurk silently and

invisibly beneath

the surface of

church life, like

giant jellyfish.

discussion about what you can reasonably expect from each other, and how to respond when your different expectations bump into each other. Reflect Hopefully this open dialogue will clarify some unspoken expectations and create the space for you to explore the role God has created and grown you to have. Prayerfully reflect on His unique purpose for you in this unique context, at this unique time in your life. What are God’s expectations of you (Micah 6:8)? What are your values and current life goals, and how do they fit with your own expectations of being a pastoral spouse? Which expectations might you need to put aside because you have a family, a busy career, or a dissertation to write? Reflect with your spouse on the level of support you can realistically offer in this current ministry context. Give yourselves a reality check: what might you expect church members in a similar situation to do for the church? Audit the amount of time that you spend in ministry-related activities each week. How does it compare with your expectations of others, yourself, and your current activity level? What might you need to change? How will you support each other in managing your own and other people’s expectations? If you have special skills to share with your church, train others to fill your place before you leave.

Respect Once you have set clear boundaries, respect them, and encourage others to respect them too. Try saying things like, “I would love to help you, but it wouldn’t be realistic for me to say yes at this point in time.” Use a scale of 0-10 to monitor how you and your spouse are coping, where 0 is no pressure at all, and 10 is completely stressed out. Protect each other from unrealistic and overwhelming expectations. Check in with each other once a week. If either of you feels overloaded, wonder whether the pressure is coming from other people’s expectations. Perhaps a responsibility can be give to someone else for a while. Great expectations! We pastored a church that included several retired pastoral couples. They were experts on congregational expectations! On our first Sabbath they presented me with a hand-tied bouquet of flowers. “We know that being a pastor’s spouse is a huge responsibility. You do so much behind the scenes that no one ever knows about. But all we expect from you is to love the pastor, show up and love us! If you want to do anything else let us know, and we’ll happily fit you in!” That’s perfect I thought! Clear, simple and achievable expectations. I smiled. “You know what I’d really like to do…I’d like to bring a dessert to every pot-luck.”

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS 1. People can have many expectations for a pastoral spouse but what really counts is what God’s expectations are. After all we are working for Him and not for a church. Make your list of Bible verses that explain God’s expectations. Here are two to get you started… Micah 6:8; Matthew 11:28-30. 2. How can a pastoral couple set boundaries to safe guard their marriage and family while still meeting the church’s expectations? 3. Are there any non-negotiable expectations that you believe must be met in the relationship between a pastoral family and a church? If so, what are they and what would be the best way to share them with your church?

Karen Holford is a qualified family therapist and is currently the family ministries director for the Trans-European Division and a regular contributor to The Journal, a quarterly publication

for SDA pastoral spouses.

Once you

have set clear

boundaries,

respect

them, and

encourage

others to

respect them

too.

Pacific Union pastor’s spouseswww.vimeo.com/30854124

Questions for a pastor’s

spouse …

PHO

TO B

Y A

LFRE

D S

CHRO

CK O

N U

NSP

LASH


A Male Pastoral Spouse Perspective on Parenting

and Altered Role Expectations

It was then that I understood their awkward embarrassment. During my second week of being a male pastoral spouse, there was a pastors’ retreat in our conference. Being a retreat, spouses

were invited to attend, and spouses’ meetings were advertised. Since it was advertised as spouses rather than Shepherdess, I whispered to my wife, “I think I’ll attend and meet some spouses!” When I walked into the otherwise all female spouses meeting, I was greeted politely, but somewhat hesitantly. I would soon learn why. I settled myself near some other younger spouses, greeted them, then focused on watching the speaker in her last moment preparations for the soon-to-start seminar. She acted in the most odd manner—fidgeting, frantically typing on her keyboard, and excusing herself to go speak to the Shepherdess director. She finally returned, sighed deeply, bowed her head in a short prayer, then stood up to begin. When the slide revealed her topic, I understood - “Women’s Postmenopausal Health, Issues, and Concerns.” Now, that was awkward, though probably more for them than it was for me. I sat and listened just long enough for leadership to have a long-term memory of their discomfort (after all, they had invited all ministerial spouses), yet gracefully excusing myself after a while to allow them to continue their seminar as originally planned. Sometimes being a male pastoral spouse includes awkward moments, altered role expectations, and

“Mr. Mom” situations that you probably didn’t envision when you said, “I do.” Okay, that was an understatement, wasn’t it? Maybe you can relate. For example, the Sabbaths where you find yourself hanging out in Cradle Roll and Kindergarten with your baby, other babies of other families, and their moms. Or, when you find yourself tucking your kids into bed for the fifteenth night in a row, and they look up and ask, “When is Mommy getting home?” When my wife transitioned to Children’s and Club Ministries departmental work, a new chapter of parenting awaited me. As, we headed off to camp meeting, she had a whole new rack of responsibilities, leaving me with the children (ages 3 and 9 at the time). I dutifully took our 3 year old to Kindergarten, and to my utter amazement there was ANOTHER guy with his kids there too! After a little bit of whispering, I found out he too was a pastor’s spouse. We had things in common! During the ensuing program, the moms would often trade comments to each other as they helped their kids wave the proper item or put the correct felt on the board up front (all to music, of course), but the MOMENT the other guy and I attempted a similar shared conversation we were scolded by the leader for “being too loud.” It made me realize anew that being the male spouse of a busy pastor is NOT for the faint of heart or easily offended! And, of course, there is work. Most of us have full-

She acted in

the most odd

manner—

fidgeting,

frantically typing

on her keyboard,

and excusing

herself to go

speak to the

Shepherdess

director.

time, demanding, all-consuming jobs that sap time and energy. While “stay-at-home moms” may be in vogue in some areas, the same cannot usually be said for “stay-at-home dads.” Then many of us have a desire to be involved in our church’s ministries. While expectations for male spouses are nowhere as “set in concrete” as for our female counterparts, we still likely have an innate desire to use the talents God gave us in the ministry of His (and our spouse’s) church. Our volunteer ministry gift might not be working in Kindergarten. But it may be with audio-visual, men’s ministry, young adult Ministry, Pathfinders, or any other number of roles that match our God-given talents. But. We have kids. With the kids comes the variety of parenting constraints, needs, and responsibilities. And mom, the “stereotypical” provider of the tender loving care (and hours in Kindergarten) is busy preaching, counseling, visiting with a distressed member, or leading out in Youth Church. Maternal instincts aren’t instincts many males have. The skills have to be learned, and thus can cause stress. Add to that our mountain of volunteer responsibilities, that we may have volunteered for in vain hope that it would give us more time in the same sphere as our spouse. Not likely. That can leave us well outside our comfort zones and feeling harried and unfulfilled. How do we adapt and yet thrive? Here are some themes that I am finding useful.

Realization It is not just you. Male pastoral spouses around the North American Division are adapting each day to the unique role that God has called THEM to fulfill. Yes. Just as God called your wife to her unique ministry, God has called you to the unique role of being a male pastoral spouse. You may question me on this point, after all “He called some to be pastors and teachers…” but you haven’t seen anything in that same verse that “He calls some to be pastoral spouses.” However, does God need treasurers, Adventurer

directors, and men’s’ ministry leaders? Does He call them? Well, I’m sure you answered affirmatively—so let me point out that none of their roles are listed directly in the spiritual giftedness passages either, yet most of us would agree that collectively OUR “responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ” (Eph. 4:12, NLT).

Adaptation If we expect our lives to be unaffected by our spouse’s ministry and the time constraints it entails we are going to be miserable. Does that excuse potentially bad time management habits of our wife? No more than in any other pastoral family. However, as guys, we often have been fed “expectations” of guy time, man-caves, wife responsibilities vs. husband responsibilities, and such. But, God has called our wife to a unique calling that is typically seen as a male-type career. Thus, since that is “unusual,” so also, must our role and our calling depart from the “norm”. We must choose to adapt yet do so successfully within the armor and gender roles that God gave to us and empowered us to use for His glory. Our kids need parenting, with all the supports needed for their future success and present happiness. It is up to the pastoral family, even as uniquely shaped as ours is, to provide the parenting needed, regardless of what adapting from perceived norms is necessary.

Time Spend time with the kids. Regardless of our gender, our kids should be our first priority and providing them with a clear path to the kingdom needs to be our first priority. Whether that is Cradle Roll, Adventurers, Pathfinders, or School outings, we can expect to spend time volunteering for ministries they are involved in, or acting as shuttle service to the events they need. I have found that it works best in our family if I say “no” to volunteer ministries that don’t directly involve the kids and say “yes” to those roles that are with or alongside (in the same time slots) as those my

We have kids.

With the kids

comes the

variety of

parenting

constraints,

needs, and

responsibilities.

It is not just you. Male pastoral spouses around the

North American Division are adapting each day to

the unique role that God has called THEM to fulfill.

LID

ERIN

A/I

STO

CK/T

HIN

KSTO

CK


Mark O’Ffill, MDiv, is chaplain and teacher at Atholton Adventist Academy. He and his wife, Pastor Sherilyn, have two children with whom they love to travel, hike and geocache.

Mark O’Ffill interviewed by Joanne Cortes https://vimeo.com/295059891Understanding of a Male Ministerial Spouse

children are involved in. Volunteer roles held at times when our pastor-wife is working and yet our kids are not actively involved (but we need to be) will likely cause conflict and stress.

Communication Working out a schedule with Pastor Mom to help her feel balanced. She has the same maternal instincts that any other mother has, so she needs to work with you to make sure the kids’ needs (emotional and physical) are successfully met. Our family uses online calendar scheduling that allows us each to see and interact with the other’s work, family, and ministry calendars. My wife also gets the kids ready for school and takes them to school several days of the week, even though I am a teacher at the same school and thus logically could take them with me every day. However, we know that many evenings she will not be available, so this time at the beginning of the day allows her to “mother” the kids and for them to get guaranteed time with her.

Duck’s Back Sometimes the awkward situations can get to us. We can let it get under our skin (and eventually destroy us) or we can let it slide on past. Especially as guys, we are more ready to “take on the world” or “fight back” than we are to just let it go. Yes, being a male pastor’s spouse is not for the faint of heart or for those unwilling to be actively involved in the lives of their spouse, kids, church, and community. But God has promised to empower us, just as He is doing for our pastor-wife, “He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it” (Phil. 1:6).

Dwayne Hill www.vimeo.com/157279077Trailblazing in Bermuda

I. Don’t have any other god but Me. God’s first commandment is to put Him foremost in our lives. Financially, we do this by tithing—giving back to Him 10% of what He has provided. As Christians we know that God is the provider of all; from our very lives to our means of support to the food on our table. All he asks is that we return 10% of our gain—whatever that may be—back to Him. Tithing is not optional. This money belongs to Him, and the first rule of financial stability is to return what is rightfully His. Our tithe should be the first expenditure from each paycheck and the very best of our increase. He asks us to give Him not A tenth, but the FIRST tenth. In Biblical language it is often referred to as “firstfruit.” This was not only the first of the crops but the best. Tithing also speaks to the fairness of God when it comes to our finances. The Biblical sacrificial system was designed to accommodate all levels of economic status. Today, He asks us all to give equally by returning 10% of whatever He has blessed us with. All he requires is that He comes first. It is interesting that the earliest Biblical instance of tithing is in Genesis 14 when Abraham gave Melchizedek a tenth of the spoils from war. This is hundreds of years before the instructions were given to the Israelites in the wilderness. Abraham’s example would indicate that it was a practice that came from the very beginning of man.

II. Don’t make anyone or anything an idol God gave us life and provides the means for our daily existence. He also supplied a way for us to have eternal life through the gift of His Son. He is to be worshiped and hold ultimate importance in our lives. Nothing (or no one) else should have a higher priority than Him. What we choose to spend our money on shows

the world what is important to us. It is the outward manifestation of our priorities. If all of our funds are spent on “things” that are transient—that new car, the latest electronics gadget, the current fashions—it indicates to others that the things of earth are important. In a sense, we become what we idolize. When we moved to Southern California from the Chicago area, our financial situation was a bit tenuous. I did not have work yet, and

housing was significantly more than the market we came from. We decided that the children’s Adventist Christian education was our top financial priority, so we paid for their school year up front (which incidentally earned us a discount!) then calculated how much we could afford for a house. We made a conscious decision to invest in something tangible rather than consumable.

III. Don’t dishonor Me by misusing My name In my opinion, the third commandment is the basis for the way we live. God is to be part of our very existence but not taken for granted. He asks us not to trivialize Him by using His name inappropriately or holding Him responsible for our choices. He has given us rules to live by and promises that if we follow His law we will have the necessities of life.

10 CommandmentsChristian FinanceOF

PREMISE: In looking at financial priorities, they all should honor God and be rooted in His Word. The only way to make sound fiscal choices is to make sure every spending decision is a spiritual decision.

That being said, these are my:

“What do you have that God hasn’t given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift?” (I Corinthians 4:7, NLT)

“Everything comes from you; all we’re doing is giving back what we’ve been given from your generous hand.” (I Chronicles 29:14, MSG)

“A tenth of the land’s produce . . . is God’s. It is holy to God.” (Leviticus 27:30, MSG)

“Bring the finest of the first fruits of your produce to the house of your God.” (Exodus 34:26, MSG)

“Whatever you give is acceptable if you give it eagerly. And give according to what you have, not what you don’t have.” (II Corinthians 8:11-13, NLT)

“But we know that there is only one God; the Father; who created everything, and we live for him. And there is only one Lord, Jesus Christ; through whom God made everything and through whom we have been given life.” (I Corinthians 8:6, NLT)

“Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey?” (Romans 6:16, NLT)

“Idols will completely disappear.” (Isaiah 2:18, NLT)

“. . . They worshiped worthless idols, so they became worthless themselves.” (2 Kings 17:15, NLT)

32 S E C T I O N 2 : M A N A G E M E N T S E C T I O N 2 : M A N A G E M E N T 33But if we go our own way, we cannot blame Him when we run into trouble. This translates into not accusing God for disastrous results that come from bad decisions that we make— including financial ones. The story of Cain and Abel is a good example of trivializing God’s instruction. You remember that both men were told to bring a specific sacrifice and Cain decided he knew better. When his offering was not accepted, he blamed God. He had all of the right information but made a bad choice, then took no responsibility but accused God of being unfair. Investing unwisely or spending money like it grows on a proverbial tree and then crying out to God because we cannot pay our bills, desecrates the name of God. In fact the Bible calls it a sin.

IV. Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy As the body of Christ, the Church is His representation here on earth.Our tithe and offerings are given to support the local, national and worldwide work of His Church. It is not up to us to decide how it is used. Our only obligation is to bring it to the “storehouse.” Abraham is again a good example. The Bible doesn’t tell us what Melchizedek did with the offering. It only indicates that he was a priest—a man of God. When we pay our tithe to the local church we are fulfilling our responsibility. Note that God does not ask us to give to whatever organization or ministry WE decide is important—that’s what offerings are for. Our tithe is to go directly to the “temple.” It is for the support of His workers. On Mount Sinai, when God does give instruction to the Israelites regarding tithe, he directs them to give it to the priests (Levites). The priests then, in turn, returned their tithe directly to the High Priest, Aaron. This was how the Levites “earned” their living. Our current system works very much the same way. The usual division is for a local Conference to retain

the majority of tithe for paying pastors, teachers and administration personnel. The remaining amount is remitted to the Union, where it is distributed to the North American Division and General Conference for their institutions (such as Loma Linda University), the mission program of the church and reallocation back to the Union and Local Conferences. God promises that if we are faithful in returning our tithes and offerings He will bless us and our Church.

V. Honor your family This means not only providing the necessities of life (food and shelter), but also planning ahead. I am talking about savings here. Whether you have a spouse and/or children, are supporting parents or are single; putting something away every month is vital. It does not have to be a huge amount. Start with what you can—even if it is $5 each week. The goal is to make it a habit. Right now, even with interest rates at an all-time low, after twenty years you would have saved $5,434--$533 of which is interest. Naturally, if you can put away more than $5 a week it will grow exponentially; and interest rates are certain to rebound thereby netting substantially more. In addition to general savings, it is important to start planning for retirement. If your employer has a matching fund available, take advantage of it. After all, it’s free money! If you have young children, or are planning on starting a family, set up a fund for their education. Along with saving, make sure you have provided for your family through a will or trust. Whether you are single or married, it is vital to have that legal document. Our family found out the hard way when my brother died in an accident when he was 35. Even though he was single, had no dependents and did not own a home, it was literally years before all of the financial legalities were resolved. A will also precludes the government from taking more than what they already lay claim to.

VI. Don’t murder We do not create life; therefore, we do not have the right to take it away. This same concept holds true for money as well—money we have not earned is not ours to spend: In a word—debt. The Bible is very clear on the fact that it is in our best interest not to owe others. This is a practical concept as well when you look at what the actual expense is to buy goods on credit. Do not be fooled by low or “no” interest car loans. If you finance $10,000 for 36 months it will cost you over$6,000 (based on the going rate of $16.67 per $1,000) in fees alone. In other words, a car that you would pay$12,000 cash for ends up costing you $18,000 if you

“Trivialize even the smallest item in God’s Law and you will only have trivialized yourself. But take it seriously; show the way for others, and you will find honor in the kingdom.” (Matthew 5:19, MSG)

“Look at you! You trivialize religion, turn spiritual conversation into empty gossip.” (Job 15:4, MSG)

“Those who live by their own rules, not God’s, can expect nothing but trouble . . . .” (Job 15:20, MSG)

“People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord.” (Proverbs 19:3, NLT)

“In all of this, Job did not sin by blaming God.” (Job 1:22, NLT)

“Instead, I give to the Levites as their inheritance the tithes that the Israelites present as an offering to the Lord. . . .” (Numbers 18:24, NLT)

“We promise to bring the first part of every harvest to the Lord’s Temple . . . We will bring the best. . . And, we promise to bring to the Levites a tenth of everything our land produces, for it is the Levites who collect the tithes in all our rural towns.” (Nehemiah 10:35-37, NLT)

. . . Since the people began bringing their gifts to the Lord’s Temple, we have had enough to eat and plenty to spare. . . . .” (II Chronicles 31:10, NLT)

God promises

that if we are

faithful in

returning our

tithes and

offerings He will

bless us and

our Church.

pay $2,000 up front and finance the other $10,000! Add on the fact that the sales price will be less if you pay cash and the reality that dealerships usually want to have 48-60- month financing, and that vehicle you thought was $12,000 ends up being $20,000 or more. Debt is defined as “something that is owed or that one is bound to pay to or perform for another.” (www.dictionary.com) There is the problem. You are now beholden to another entity for something you supposedly “own.” Going

into credit card debt just to have things you cannot immediately afford is the costliest financial mistake. This also includes incidental debt—commonly called an overdraft. This year banks will collect more than $35 billion dollars for that occasional $15 meal on the debit card drawn from your bank account that only had $12 dollars in it. These fees have escalated to $30 and more per occurrence. Make sure you know your balance before whipping out that debit card or when automatic withdrawal dates are near. Most financial institutions will let you request a specific day of the month to have your automatic payments occur, so you can either spread them out through the month or have them take place soon after you know deposits will be in. Excluding a mortgage (as it is usually considered an investment), we should strive to only make purchases for which we have the cash on hand.

VII. Don’t commit adultery A vow is sacred, whether it is a marriage vow or an IOU. That means, if you do have debt, it is your Christian duty to pay it back. As well as being a moral obligation, there is no better time than now to work on debt reduction. Most creditors—including credit card companies—are

willing to “deal” to get most or part of their funds. In addition, the law is on your side with many rules recently instigated to protect the consumer from extraordinary charges. You are usually much better off talking directly with individual entities rather than a debt- consolidation company unless you are

so far under that you need professional help. Bankruptcy is a touchy subject, because there are instances when there is no other option. However, as Christians we should never borrow money with the intention of not paying it back—whether it is a school loan, credit card debt or mortgage. Make sure you

have exhausted all other alternatives before you sign that loan document and that you have the resources to fulfill the commitment. Then, if the unexpected happens, your conscience will be clear. On the other hand, if you are going into debt for frivolous purchases or knowing that you have no way to make the payments, it is moral and legal fraud.

VIII. Don’t steal When we don’t pay a faithful tithe, we are robbing God. As Christians we have made a promise to return to God what belongs to

Him. The same is true when we make donation pledges. It is vital that we fulfill our obligations, and God will hold us accountable for our financial responsibilities.

The most poignant Biblical example is that of Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5). You will remember that the Early Church supported each other. Those that were

not able to provide for themselves were upheld by those who could. Ananias and Sapphira sold a plot of land and promised to add the proceeds to the church coffers. They discussed it at home and decided no one would know if they kept some back for themselves. First Ananias came in and claimed to have fulfilled their pledge and was immediately struck dead. Next Sapphira arrived and retold the lie with the same result. By giving less than they promised, they lost their lives. We also cheat ourselves when we withhold what belongs to God. We take away the opportunity of receiving the blessings He wants to give us. He wants to lavish us with joys untold if we will only hold up our end of the bargain.

IX. Don’t testify falsely against your neighbor In the story of the Good Samaritan, we learn that the person that acted as a neighbor was the one “who had mercy on him.” (Luke 10:37, NLT). When we take care of those who have less we are doing the Lord’s work. Remember the widow of Zarephath? Elijah

“Loyalty makes a person attractive. It is better to be poor than dishonest.” (Proverbs 19:22, NLT)

“When you tell God you’ll do something, do it—now. God takes no pleasure in foolish gabble. Vow it, then do it. Far better not to vow in the first place than to vow and not pay up.” (Ecclesiastes 5:5, MSG)

“Do you expect me to overlook obscene wealth you’ve piled up by cheating and fraud?” (Micah 6:10, MSG)

“You ask, ‘How have we robbed you?’ The tithe and offering—that’s how!” (Malachi 3:8, MSG)

“Bring your full tithe to the Temple treasury so there will be ample provisions in my Temple. Test me in this and see if I don’t open up heaven itself to you and pour out blessings beyond your wildest dreams.” (Malachi 3:10, MSG)

A vow is

sacred,

whether it is a

marriage vow

or an IOU. That

means, if you

do have debt, it

is your Christian

duty to pay it

back.

“Anyone who neglects to care for family members in need repudiates the faith. That’s worse than refusing to believe in the first place.” (I Timothy 5:8, MSG)

“The wise have wealth and luxury, but fools spend whatever they get.” (Proverbs 21:20, NLT)

“Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity. . .” (Proverbs 21:5. NLT)

“Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender.” (Proverbs 22:7, NLT)

“Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another. . .” (Romans 13:8, NLT)

asked her to use the last of her flour and oil to make him something to eat and promised that she and her son would be taken care of until the terrible drought was over. She had minimal resources, but Elijah had none. When she gave what she had to someone less fortunate, God took care of her immediate needs and filled her flour jar and oil jug every day. In addition, when her son became ill and died, God worked through Elijah to bring her boy back to life. By showing mercy, she received a miracle she did not even know she needed. (I Kings 17:7-24, NLT) When we have fulfilled our obligations to God and family, it is truly a blessing to be able to help those in need. It is putting our money to the best use.

X. Don’t covet what others have Be satisfied with what you have. You will be much happier if you are not constantly trying to “keep up

with the Joneses.” Contentment comes from having what you need most—a relationship with Jesus; friends who love you for who you are and not the material things you own; and the basic necessities of a place to live and food on the table.

There is a song from a few years back by Cheryl Crowe with lyrics that say, “It’s not having what you want; it’s wanting what you’ve got.” That is a good place to start. If we can look at the blessings we currently enjoy rather than making a mental list of all the “things” we wish we had, pretty soon we will appreciate our reality. Our goal should be to use our God-given talents to earn a living. Then we need to be satisfied and invest our discretionary income wisely. Remember; if it sounds too good to be true; it probably is. There will always be somebody that has more than

you do, and you will wear yourself out trying to catch up. There was a report on CNN about a family of three—mom, stay-at-home dad and four-year-old son. The mom had recently lost her job, and they were attempting to make her three-month severance and unemployment income last for a year. The reporter outlined the measures they were taking to cut costs. At the end of the piece, and almost as an aside, the announcer stated that the family gave 10% of their income each month to their local church. It proves the point, that if we will be faithful in returning what belongs to Him and make every spending decision a spiritual decision, God will take care of the rest.

“Mercy to the needy is a loan to God, and God pays back those loans in full.” (Proverbs 19:17, MSG)

“Be generous. Give to the poor. Get yourselves a bank that can’t go bankrupt, a bank in Heaven far from bank robbers, safe from embezzlers, a bank you can bank on.” (Luke 12:33, MSG)

“A devout life does bring wealth, but it’s the rich simplicity of being yourself before God. Since we entered the world penniless and will leave it penniless, if we have bread on the table and shoes on our feet, that’s enough.” (I Timothy 6:6-8, MSG)

“Don’t wear yourself out trying to get rich. Be wise enough to know when to quit. In the blink of an eye, wealth disappears, for it will sprout wings and fly away like an eagle.” (Proverbs 23:4-5, NLT)

“Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have . . . .” (Ecclesiastes 6:9, NLT)

Be satisfied

with what

you have. You

will be much

happier if

you are not

constantly

trying to “keep

up with the

Joneses.”

Jennifer Newton interviewed by Carin Morgan https://vimeo.com/31907184

Jennifer Christian Newton, MBA, is a healthcare management consultant and the associate ministerial secretary in the Pacific Union Conference.

In addition she plans major events for her union.


10 Commandments of Personal Finance with Jennifer Newton

In a few weeks the Internal Revenue Service will be looking for your tax return. Don’t forget to file and remember, you do not want to be audited either, so fill out the forms with the best counsel possible.

Carefully filling out your tax return will reflect honesty to the government as an ordained minister of the Seventh-day Adventist Church.

Under the Federal Income Contribution Act, known as FICA code, clergy are excluded from the normal FICA definition of an employee but instead are included under Self-Employment Compensation Act, SECA. An ordained Seventh-day Adventist clergy is an employee of the church but at the same time treated as self-employed for Social Security taxes. Social Security tax is not withheld from self-employed individuals, as done for regular employees. On the income tax side, the IRS allows self-employed clergy the parsonage exclusion for which a regular employee does not qualify.

What are some resources a pastor, treated as self-employed, can use for filing? Tom Wetmore is from the Office of General Counsel at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists and specializes in tax issues. I asked him for a list of his favorite resource recommendations on tax preparation for clergy.

1. His recommendation for the best resource to assist pastors in preparing their tax return is a book

by Richard R. Hammer and this book is updated every year. The 2018 Church and Clergy Tax Guide may be considered the tax Bible for clergy taxes. You can find it at www.YourChurchResource.com. Hammer’s website also includes a newsletter that provides helpful information. This resource does not come as cheap but is exhaustive and covers every aspect of clergy taxes.

2. A second source to check is www.IRS.gov. There are a couple of Publications that have sections a pastor can consider: Publication 1828, Tax Guide for churches and Religious Organizations, starting with page 19; and Publication 517 that deals with the social security tax requirements. These publications are the final word for your guidance.

3. Popular software is available in stores and online such as Turbo Tax, Tax Act or the H&R Block software. However, they are designed for the general population including as much of the tax law and changes as possible. Just realize that some tax preparation software may not include every aspect needed by the clergy to fill out some of the unique forms used.

Tax season comes and goes, quicker than some of us like. Make a copy of the parsonage expense report and update it every month so it will be ready when it is time to turn it in to treasury. Success and God bless.

TaxComesMAN

John Mathews, DMin, is the Stewardship Director of the North American Division of Seventh-day Adventists.

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Loneliness:ESCAPING THE GRASP

I have felt that suffocating sensation trying to slip its fingers around my neck and tighten its grip on me many times. I struggle to break loose. The older I get the sooner I recognize it’s a trap, which is helpful in

breaking free of this strangling feeling: loneliness.I remember those early days of seminary and being warned that I, the pastoral spouse, would face loneliness. “Great!!!!”, I sarcastically thought. I had emerged from years of a lonely childhood. Growing up being home schooled through high school, my only playmates were my brothers who could care less about playing dolls, house, and department store. When I got to college The last emotion I wanted to feel again, was being lonely. Before my husband and I were even assigned our first church I cried out to God. My request was part out of desperation and part out of fear. I asked Him to grant me friends. He has been faithful to fulfill my request. It has looked very different over the years and has involved risk on my part. If I summarized what I have learned about loneliness in the last twenty plus years of ministry, I would sum it up in these three points. Ask God for some close friends. But just asking isn’t enough. Be willing to risk being friendly and allowing people to befriend you. We also need to be wise with what we share with whom. Think about if you are willing to have friends within your church. I was. Did people get jealous? Probably. Did it help to have friends outside of the church? Absolutely! I would say that my closest friends are the ones who are in the same position (their spouses are ministering) and/or they work the same career as I. Currently, in

the mission field, I am surrounded by ladies of many different denominations. I have found these women to be so sharpening in my life. Their walk with the Lord is inspiring and refreshing, as I feel mine is to them. One of my most recent new close friends is Ida, a lady from the culture where we serve. Our friendship is extremely unique because my language is limited to childlike depth. We laugh together and play with her babies. We cook together, and I teach her how to make American recipes and she teaches me how to make Indonesian food. Would this friendship alone keep me out of lonely valley? Probably not, because I am limited to not being able to share the depths of my heart, but Ida and I are on such a precious friendship journey together. Seek people out. When I start to feel lonely I know that I need to get off my duff, go out my door, and go see someone. Anyone. But especially someone who needs a friend. Tah Dah. There is NOTHING that will cure a case of loneliness than to just go out the door and be a blessing to someone. Groan. It can be so hard to do. This is where I go back to point A and ASK for help from God. It beats stuffing my face with food to blot out loneliness or scrolling through Facebook some more (which I have found both to be completely ineffective in fighting loneliness). Ida is someone that the Lord often (sometimes daily) nudges me to go and see. Less than one year ago she lost her two-year-old son to upper respiratory failure. Oh, the grief and sorrow my dear friend has experienced. Many times, I would just go sit with her, and we would just cry, hold each other, and say, “I don’t understand. I don’t understand.” She would always

Their walk with

the Lord is

inspiring and

refreshing, as

I feel mine is to

them.


The Power You Have

Did you know that as a ministry spouse you have a power no one else has? You really do! As a ministry spouse, you have tremendous power to influence those around you through

your relationship with God. I first experienced this power many years ago as a result of people praying for me to be baptized with the Holy Spirit. My life changed dramatically, and I began spending daily time with God in prayer and the Word. My husband saw the change in me, and he too began praying the Word into his life and humbling himself before God. Then one day I realized my sons really valued my counsel on decisions they were making. The same thing happened with my daughters-in-law. I was so amazed. As I talked to God about it, I realized it was because they knew I spent time daily with God, praying God’s Word into my life and asking Him to change me, and praying for my family and others. They see the difference it has made in my life, and they want the same experience in their lives. My family knows my faults and weakness. But they see the difference God can make. You, too, have power to influence your spouse, children, and church members as you choose to seek Jesus daily and have a love relationship with your Redeemer God. “If My people who are called by My

name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land” (2 Chronicles 7:14, NKJV). Shepherdess International was begun 30 years ago to enable and encourage ministry spouses like you to use your power of influence for the Lord. The General Conference recognized the power of your influence and commissioned Marie Spangler and Ellen Bresee to work with ministry spouses worldwide. Their work was continued by Sharon Cress, who gave 18 years to helping pastoral spouses and families. Around the world, Shepherdess leaders at the division, union, and conference levels have worked hard to encourage and disciple pastoral spouses and families through the years. I want to personally thank each one who has given so much to ministry spouses through the Shepherdess organization. And I especially want to thank you, the pastoral spouse, for all you do to love, help, and influence the people around you for Jesus. I know it can get tiring, but when you feel unappreciated, careworn, or discouraged, remember that your life and your ministry have tremendous power. Spend extra time with your God and His Word, and let Jesus refresh you with His love so your influence will continue to draw people to Him.

“And let us not

grow weary while

doing good, for

in due season we

shall reap if we

do not lose heart.

Therefore, as we

have opportunity,

let us do good to

all, especially to

those who are of the

household of faith,”

(Galatians 6:9-10, NKJV).

Janet Page serves as the associate secretary for pastoral spouses, families and prayer ministries of the General Conference Ministerial Association. This

message was adapted for this resource by Janet from her 3rd Quarter, 2013 The Journal editorial.

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thank me for giving her strength (believe me, it was Jesus giving her strength through me). I knew Ida was beginning to heal when she started to minister to others. SEEK to give strength and friendship to those in need. Kindness. As ministerial spouses we “have to” be kind—even if it is a plastered-on fake kindness (I’m sure we have all had our moments of wearing this mask). I want to challenge you that we not only need to be kind to others but also to ourselves. Especially in friendships. Hear me out for a minute. There are the friends who equally give and take from us, and then there are the friends who take and take and take, giving very little back. Join me in recognizing these friends for who they are and spending more time with the ones who give and take equally and less with the ones who drain our emotional banks. My husband often travels, leaving me home alone with our sons. A missionary spouse who is left alone is referred to as a grass widow. For years now, every time my husband leaves, I figuratively put on a grass skirt. It represents humility, vulnerability, and need. Yet, almost at the same time I whip on my super woman cape symbolizing super powers and strength as I am left alone in a third world. More and more often I hear Jesus bidding me to lay down my silly figurative garments and allow myself to be clothed with His royal robe of righteousness. He beckons me to spend time being still and filling up my inner soul so that I can be used more effectively for Him. This is all a critical part of kindness. It amazes me, even in my mid-forties with more friends than I have ever had in my life, that the fingers of loneliness still try to sneak into my life. They love to do it at the oddest moments. When my husband is going away on a long trip. When I fall into the lie trap of thinking, “I am the ONLY person going through this situation.” It slipped in the door when I was a young mom with 4 little boys at home. I refuse to partner with this feeling anymore. Sometimes I reach out to a friend if the fingers are closing in and sometimes I just curl up in a chair with a hot drink and ask Jesus to come and minister to my heart. He is ALWAYS willing and waiting.

He is just listening for us to ASK. Courage to you, my friend, as you face a ministry full of people. Ironically it can be lonely, but it doesn’t have to be. I do think for most of us that loneliness is more a feeling than a reality. At least this is true for my own life. And there are many articles and research that prove that gazing at social media increases those feelings verses making us feel more connected. So unfortunately, some of our own new behaviors are becoming our own worse enemy. Also Satan is the Father of lies and He loves to whisper into our souls untruths. For example, “You are so alone right now. No one really cares about you. You will never have a soul mate or a kindred spirit or… You are so “_____” that no one wants to be your friend.” If you resonate with any of these phrases or maybe you thought of other ones, it is important to stop and recognize who that lie came from and break agreement with it. I have learned that often we go along with these ideas and believe them to be true. When in reality that is not what the Lord has promised over us. Realistically there are some of us who are truly lonely and honestly have very few friends. The reasons are too vast to flesh out. A few of them being: personality, lack of trust, situational, location, and choices are just a few. It really is a horrible feeling. And I think true loneliness goes on for more than one moment. It rolls into days and weeks. I’ve been there. It was a long valley. Thoughts for the valley? On a good day, when not feeling so lonely blue, write down who all your true friends are. Someone whom you know is a mutual sharing of care. Then ask the Lord to help you think of all the people you know who need a friend. Write them down also. Also write down places where you could go and minister where there are lonely people (i.e. a nursing home, a hospital waiting room, etc). And write a reminder to specifically pray that the Lord would bring you a close friend, but that He would also do what He needed to do in you to prepare you for this friend. Perhaps there is someone you need to forgive or some bitterness you need to let go of or some self-hate that you need to work through. Then when you are feeling especially lonely you will have this list that will remind you of who your

Ruth Boyd is a nurse who ministers with her pastoral husband in Papua, Indonesia with two of their four sons.

Courage to you,

my friend, as you

face a ministry

full of people.

Ironically it can

be lonely, but it

doesn’t have to be.

friends are and places you can get up and go without having to spend the mental energy to think of those things. Reach out and communicate with one of those people. Don’t make excuses, like “they are too busy for me”… Recognize that Jesus is pursuing you. Like Hagar (Sarah’s maidservant: Genesis 16) who was ALONE in the wilderness, the Lord showed up. He spoke to her. Jesus desires to commune and show up in our lives also. The sooner we understand how real Jesus wants to be to us, the sooner we can dance in glorious joy and strength about many things. Ask the Lord to reveal Himself to you. Allow Him to comfort you. Talk with Him (like as to a friend) and LISTEN to Him in your heart. Is there a hobby you love to do? Hiking, writing, kiteboarding, cooking? Try to find a group that gets together and does this. Go hang out with them. Some of my sweetest friends are ones that are in groups that I just happened to join. For me they are my exercise group, my mother’s prayer group and the medical group that I work with. Join more than one thing so that you are exposed to a variety of people and interests. Meditate on these scriptures: Isaiah 43:1-5, 2 Timothy 4:16,17. Psalm 91:15, Deut 31:6 - Allow them to penetrate deep in your heart. And pray them to Jesus. He loves to hear His word spoken back to Him.

Discussion Questions 1. How do I react when I feel lonely? What are my go-to comforts? Take a moment to evaluate whether or not they really are helping to ease the loneliness or making it worse. Pray about it and then formulate an action plan that you can turn to when feeling lonely rather than turning to activities that will make you feel worse? 2. What are some of the practical ways that we can cultivate the relationship with Jesus as our best friend? 3. What have you learned from being lonely that can help you make and nurture friends?

As ministerial spouses we “have to” be kind—even

if it is a plastered-on fake kindness (I’m sure we

have all had our moments of wearing this mask).

Three Loneliness Busters – Ruth Horton www.vimeo.com/295059802


Anna’s story Anna was in the kitchen when the phone rang. She heard her husband, a pastor, pick it up and speak to their conference president. “Well, we hadn’t expected a move so soon. . . . We’ve only been here three years. . . . But if you want us to move to the Silver Hills district, I’m sure God will work it out.”Anna slumped into a chair and put her head in her hands. Another move. So soon! They had just finished decorating their bedroom, she had been promoted at work, and they had finally found a tutor to help their son with his dyslexia. Not again, thought Anna. Moving takes so much time, so much money, and so much work.

Linda’s story Linda was in the kitchen when the phone rang. She heard her husband pick it up and speak to their conference president. “Well, we hadn’t expected a move so soon. . . . We’ve only been here three years. . . . But if you want us to move to the Sandy River district, I’m sure God will work it out.” Linda smiled. Yes! she thought. I can’t wait to move! Linda was tired of the family feuding in their local church. Her husband had done his best, and they had both prayed for the church, but Linda knew he was more stressed than ever before. Besides, Sandy River was only 50 miles from her parents. It would be so good to live near them again.

The extra challenge of a ministerial move Nothing produces mixed feelings quite like moving. And whether you are disappointed or delighted at the

thought of a new home, one fact remains constant: moving is stressful. Thankfully, the Bible overflows with encouragement for anyone who yearns for a place to call home. “Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9, NKJV). Moving is not unique to pastors, but many non-ministerial couples have a chance to discuss the idea of moving for several months. Then they decide together on where and when to move. Usually this is a shared choice that comes from within the relationship. It is still stressful at times but usually easier because the couple has made the choice together, to suit their needs and life plans. But when a ministerial family is asked to move, they usually experience a different dynamic. Ministerial moves can be sudden, unexpected, and non-negotiable. The move often benefits one spouse while seriously disadvantaging the other. The understanding that a “call” is from God can make it more difficult for spouses of pastors to express concerns and powerful emotions. They might think that talking about negative feelings will be considered a lack of faith, and feel isolated with their difficult feelings, not knowing anyone with whom to talk or find comfort.

Sadness and loss Moving involves painful and hidden losses. Friends are separated. Important support networks are broken. Children are uprooted from schools. Familiar routines are disrupted and lost. Plans and projects have to be abandoned. Hundreds of decisions must be made

Moving … again?WAYS TO HELP YOUR FAMILY DURING A MOVE

about what need to be thrown away, sold, or sent to a thrift store. Jobs are lost, income may be reduced, career plans are interrupted, and, for some, hopes are shattered. Homes that have been lovingly decorated and filled with happy memories are sold to complete strangers. For many months leisure and relaxation time is lost because the time is spent looking for a new home, sorting, packing, moving, unpacking, and redecorating again. If you add up each of the losses, both large and small, it is easy to see why moving can elicit plenty of sadness that is not often acknowledged.

Complex relational stresses The experience of a ministerial move can easily drive a wedge between spouses and between parents and children. The pastor might feel excited about the new challenges and relieved to let go of the challenges and headaches of the previous congregation. Being “called” by God to a fresh area of ministry can be inspiring and affirming. A “call” offers a sense of security: “This is where I’m meant to be.” On the other hand, the spouse could be struggling with the loss of their own job and the difficult prospect of trying to find a new one. The children, especially teenagers, may be gripped with fears about fitting into a new school and finding new friends. The spouse and children might feel discouraged and uncertain about their future path. They may not yet feel “called” to the new district and have to take a much greater leap of trust that the move is also God’s will for them, because they cannot see where they are going to “land.”

The Move

CONVERSATION STARTERS: 1. Name four or five emotions that Sam is exhibiting? 2. Do you agree with the way that Sam’s parents handled this situation? Explain your answer. Even when the spouse freely accepts a move, they often carry the greatest share of the work and stresses involved in relocating and can feel tired, overwhelmed, and even resentful. The pastor might be working long hours to make sure everything is ready for the incoming pastor and also attending meetings with the new church district. Meanwhile, the spouse comes home from a busy day at work to spend the evening packing boxes alone, and not know how to talk about their feelings because it might seem like a lack of faith to question anything about the call. The pastor might be unsure on how to comfort the spouse; after all, it’s his or her “call” that has caused the partner such distress. It may also be hard for both partners to ask for help from other people and each other. They may be so used to helping others that they find it difficult to ask for the help they need.

Ways for pastors to help their families • Pray for your spouse daily during the move experience. Ask God to help them see their family members through His loving eyes each day, so they can be channels of His love into their lives at this difficult time. • Find time to listen to the family’s experience of sadness, fear, frustration, and even anger about the move. Acknowledge their feelings as normal and valid. “I am so sorry that our move is causing you so much pain. Your feelings are a normal and understandable

response to everything you are dealing with. I love you and I am here for you. What’s the best thing I can do to support you and comfort you right now?” • Avoid critical or judgmental comments about the family’s feelings, which are just natural responses to a very challenging situation. Talk about your own complex feelings and ask for the help you need too. • Accept that it may take longer for the spouse and children to adapt to a move. In the meantime, find ways to https://vimeo.com/83903351

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Whether you’re

disappointed

or delighted….

moving is

stressful.

Both partners

may be so used

to helping

others that they

find it difficult

to ask for help.

be considerate, comforting, and supportive. • Think about the relational needs of the spouse. For example, accept them and their feelings; show affection; be appreciative of all the work they are doing to facilitate the move; cherish the couple relationship; give them focused attention; comfort their sadness; encourage them when it is hard to reach their goals; and support them when they are tired and struggling. • Commit to regular and protected amounts of time to help your spouse with the practicalities of the move. Leaving a spouse to struggle alone, or letting them down when another need arises in the congregation, really hurts the spouse and adds even more pain and resentment to the pile of emotions. • Invest in your marriage and protect it. Stay connected to your spouse in warm and positive ways throughout each day: text messages, phone calls, e-mails, notes, flowers, a surprise treat, a restaurant dinner, a love note written on the base of a packing box where the spouse will find it, and so on. Although this can take a little time, it’s worth the effort. Other family members may need special attention too. • Give your spouse the opportunity to take a break from regular church responsibilities for a year after a move, unless they want to be involved. • Be willing to attend counseling sessions or therapy in order to talk about the effect the move is having on your relationship.

Ways for ministry spouses to help themselves and their families • Imagine you are sitting in God’s lap when you pray and that He is holding and comforting you through the challenges. • Write down your feelings and thoughts. Use these headings: What am I sad about losing? What are my concerns about the move? What do I feel frustrated or discouraged about? What are the potential benefits of the move? • Make a list of the practical things your spouse can do to help.

• Think of your relational needs and ask for them to be met. Examples of items to ask for are, complex emotions to be accepted; a hug or comfort when upset; a listening ear; or some encouragement. • Make clear and specific requests for the practical help you need instead of struggling alone, complaining, or feeling guilty about asking for help. • Turn negative thoughts into positive ones. “I don’t have a job to go to” can become, “I will have time to fulfill some of my other dreams while I am looking for a new job.”

Find trustworthy friends to talk to. • Tune into the feelings of your children through attentive listening and helping them identify their own emotions. • Assist the family in the process of saying goodbye. For example, celebrate the positive relationships and experiences you enjoyed in your old home. Say a proper goodbye to those whom you have grown to love. Recognize times when you are experiencing normal emotions of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, sadness or depression, and acceptance). And keep your heart open to the adventure of a new chapter in your family’s life.

Moving reluctant teens Moving a reluctant teenager can be an especially stressful experience. The teenager may have very little say over the move. Their sense of security and trust in a semi-predictable future are torn apart. Many hopes are dashed, close friendships are challenged, and they have to reconstruct their lives and relationships in a new place. • If you are moving with teens, pray for them as often as you can. And pray for all the wisdom, love, and patience you will need to support them. • They may not have any choice about the move, but you can help by giving them as many other choices as possible: which school to go to, which bedroom to have in the new home, how to decorate the room, which new clubs to join, and so on.

CHOOSING SCHOOLS

CONVERSATION STARTERS: 1. Am I able to put myself in the shoes of my family members and be open to ideas other than my own? 2. How can I enable my family to make decisions while I still follow, what I perceive to be, God’s direction?

• When they are upset, they need you to comfort them, listen to their distress, and soothe their anger and frustration. Let them know it’s OK to talk to you about their complicated and negative feelings. Make the time to listen. Take them on parent-teen dates to a favorite restaurant to talk and show how important their concerns are to you. Avoid being defensive. Listen, reflect their ideas back to them, ask questions to show you are interested in understanding, and comfort their pain in ways they appreciate. • Find something special to help them look forward to their new location: a new opportunity, their own car, a fun project, an adventure. • Help them make friends with local teens. Ask for their ideas about how to do this. Try to find at least one teen who can help them settle in and make friends. Encourage them to connect before the move, perhaps



by visiting or using Skype or Facebook. • Talk about the move in positive terms. A teenager will soon have to leave home for college. Moving as a teen will help them develop the useful skills they will need to reestablish themselves in a new community. It’s a practice run, with parents around to support them, so they will be a step ahead when they leave for college.

Make new memories Positive experiences help everyone feel better after the challenge of a move. Families

should create opportunities for peaceful relaxation, laughter, and moments of wonder. Some ideas for pastoral families to try: • Plan a treat or vacation soon after the move so that everyone can have a refreshing break after all the work. • Plan regular family fun days, or couple dates, that will help them discover their new area and create happy memories together. This will help everyone to think of the new home as an interesting and enjoyable place to be. • Find beautiful and inspiring places to go for hikes and picnics. • Do something special that they could not do in their previous location, such as white-water rafting or climbing a mountain. Gather flyers of fun places and events to visit in the new district. Restaurants, farms, zoos, parks, art galleries, tourist sites, fun sports activities, farmers markets, forest walks - whatever anyone in the family would like to do. Take turns choosing where to go for an outing.

Invest in your marriage and protect it. Stay

connected to your spouse in warm and positive

ways throughout each day …



Tune into

feelings of your

kids through

attentive

listening and

help them

identify their

own feelings.

Plan a treat or

vacation after

the move so

that everyone

can have a

refreshing

break after the

hard work.

So, to start off, the reason I am writing this article is not because I am the model citizen of media. In fact, (let’s be honest), I was probably asked to do this because I tweeted something about

the clear lack of discipline surrounding my attachment to my phone. Maybe the conference is monitoring my Facebook account, or following me on Instagram. Maybe they saw the picture I posted of me sleeping in my van last night at the pastor’s meetings. Obviously, somebody thought I needed to learn a lesson. So they gave me this article to write. Well, I’m up for the challenge. Below, I’m going to share with you some of what I have learned about the impacts of social media (and believe me, I’m sharing it with myself ). Those of you who know me, know that I’m very proud of the fact that I have been diagnosed with ADHD. I like to boast that I do very well on medication.

Real Life or Reel Life:

HOW SOCIAL MEDIA IMPACTS THE MINISTERIAL FAMILY

Unfortunately, I always get distracted on my way to take it. What you probably did not know, is that YOU may have some of the effects of ADHD too! A study done in 2015 and published in Psychoneuroendocrinology3 (try saying that fast five times), showed that the more friends you have on Facebook (and presumably the more scrolling you do), the higher your cortisol levels are. Cortisol is a hormone in your body that increases when you are stressed (I know these things because my wife is a doctor). Unfortunately, cortisol is not very good for your brain. It is a bit like sugar. A piece of cake here and there is fun and your body deals with it just fine. A piece of cake for every meal, not good. A known complication of chronic cake eating, diabetes, is no fun at all. Chronic cortisol secretion has complications too. And one of those is that it actually damages your brain, killing

brain cells and making it more difficult to focus on and complete tasks. Sounds a bit like ADHD to me. ADHD certainly does not make your relationships easier. When people feel you are distracted while speaking with them (or listening to them), they feel unimportant, unheard. This is not how you want your family and spouse to feel. The decrease in ability to focus on people and truly listen to them could be, in part, related to our relationships with our technology. In fact, at this very moment, as I am writing this article, I am watching a father push a crying baby in a stroller whilst scrolling on his phone. I wonder if he’s too distracted by his phone to hear his child. I hope that’s not the case.

No Phone Zone

Conversation Starters: 1. How do you relate, or not, to this scene between Anne and Marvin? 2. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with playing a game or reading an article on your phone, so what is it that Anne and Marvin are missing in this episode? I have also struggled with addictions of different kinds. I think this is something that we probably don’t talk about enough as pastors. Unfortunately, when it comes to the phone, I am still struggling. My wife asked me the other day if I felt addicted to my phone and I think I yelled, “YES” before she even finished her sentence. I feel panicked when I can’t find it, I find myself feeling powerless to put it down and not pick it up. I make excuses about why I need to constantly have it (what if someone needs to get into the church at 9 pm to organize the silverware for potluck next week and I miss their call?). Did you know that there is now an actual medical diagnosis called Problematic Internet Use (PIU)? And millions of people have it. You may want to ask yourself a few questions about your electronic devices. When I asked my wife how to tell if you’re an

addict, she mentioned the “CAGE” questions that doctors use for alcoholics. We are going to substitute digital devices and social media for alcohol in these and you can take the quiz. 1. Have you ever felt you should Cut down on your digital device use? 2. Have people Annoyed you when they criticized your digital device use? 3. Have you ever felt bad or Guilty about your digital device use? 4. Have you ever used your digital device first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to follow up on who may have posted on your Facebook or Instagram account the night before? (an Eye Opener). A score of 2 or greater is clinically significant. Hmmm. And you’re probably not addicted to making phone calls to your parishioners.

How does addiction play into relationships? Well, that has been studied for a long time.4 Addiction in families (whether addiction to social media, or otherwise) is highly damaging to family relationships. It leads to loneliness, increased conflict, and lack of conflict resolution, and is an unstable environment for children. Addiction of any kind can fracture families in ways that are difficult to mend. As pastors we have all counseled people who struggle with addiction and seen first-hand how much it damages families. I

think regarding the internet and social media, it may be time to turn the mirrors on ourselves.

Technically Speaking




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Conversation Starters 1. Sophie asks her dad, “How is me being there for my best friend not as important as you having a mic turned down?” How can adults help their kids make good decisions on setting boundaries for technology use, in spite of being imperfect examples? 2. Getting kids and adults to put down their phones in church is a challenge. How can we engage them and encourage them to be present during the service? Another impact of social media is it’s known effect on emotions. I regularly visit a pastor friend’s Facebook page and scroll in awe as I gaze at his talented and perfectly coiffed children, admire the depth of his spirituality (I knew I should have posted a Bible verse today instead of that amazing picture of my coffee cup!) and watch videos of him spending time with his family (what a cool dad!). Could he be any more perfect?! And could I be any less? My children are currently running around the house in their pajamas pulling each other’s hair. It’s human nature to compare ourselves. I find myself feeling rather down when I see the apparent success and happiness of others posted via pictures on social media. Not because I’m not happy for all of you-I really am, it’s just that I want that, too. I want the nice car, the kids without applesauce in their hair, and the walk with God that you seem to have. A recent study at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine determined that the more time young adults spent on social media, the more likely they were to become depressed.5 It’s easy to forget the inherent worth we have as one of God’s children, when we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. Depression, like addiction and ADHD, also causes a major strain on families. The feeling of inadequacy that social media contributes to, affects our spouses and children, too. Some of us try to use the people around us to make us feel better about ourselves. This is obviously dangerous territory. Depression can lead to further isolation and drive a wedge between us and the community that we all crave. As any of us who have struggled with depression can tell you, the change in brain chemistry associated with depression can be difficult to reverse and often requires a significant amount of time and effort. Ideally, we want to avoid things that could lead us into this territory in the first place. Obviously, being too connected on Facebook (in reel life) can also lead to decreased connectivity in real life. So now that we have established that social media can fry your brain, turn you into an addict, and alter your mood, you may be wondering why we don’t all revolt and tear down the social media empire. Well, as you are probably aware, there may actually be some pros to social media. A quick internet search revealed that other people have been looking into why we should let this phenomenon

continue as well. First of all, it can help us increase our awareness of a company, product, or cause. As pastors we definitely have a cause we should be promoting. Secondly, it increases our availability. This is also a pro for us at our work place. Pastors need to be available a lot. Finally, it can increase our connectedness. This is a good thing if we use it wisely. It can be great to re-connect with friends from our past and used as a bridge between people who would not otherwise be connected. So, what do we do with this thing called social media? I propose several ways of balancing its positive and negative effects. I have discussed all these with my wife to be sure I am connecting with her on this issue. I would propose you do the same with the people closest to you. Create the conversation about how to wisely and safely use social media. 1. Use Facebook and Instagram for the church sites only when I am at work and away from my family. 2. Use my personal Facebook and Instagram accounts only at designated times during the day. 3. Put my phone down and on airplane mode when I come in the door from work so that I can focus on my kids without distraction. 4. Make sure that my phone is not plugged in beside my bed so that I am not tempted to look at it first thing in the morning or in the middle of the night. 5. Put my phone use on my accountability list so that I check in with men6 I trust each week, who will then ask me about how I am doing with this in my life. 6. Obviously, for some of us, we need to just delete our social media accounts entirely and I would like to say that this was actually a joy for me when I did it. I do think we need breaks from this to remind us what real life is like. I know that all of you feel like me when I say, I would like to be the person God called me to be. And that means that I put God first, my family second, and my church third. I know that there are times that my phone seems to get all mixed up in those top three. I pray that we all will continue to learn how to better use the tools social media has given us while also connecting more deeply in our real lives. And remember that the reel life can affect our real lives in many ways.

Matthew W. Gamble, DMin, at the time of the writing of this article was the senior pastor of the Haven Adventist Church in California. He and his wife, Dr. Susan Gamble, MD, together have

two lovely children, who are always polite, perfectly behaved, and clean (at least when they’re on social media)

Together for a PurposeFinding a Shared Ministry

Better together When Bernie and I were very new in ministry, we were sent to an isolated church that was going through a difficult time. Soon we were overwhelmed and discouraged. It felt as if nothing we did was ever right or good enough. Then our friend Jeff called us. We’d gone to seminary together, and now he was preparing several couples for marriage. He invited us to work with him on a weekend of seminars for engaged couples. We had a toddler and a crazy busy life, but we went along—often writing our next seminar while Jeff was presenting his! At the end of the weekend we were exhausted, inspired, and invigorated. Completely unintentionally, we had stumbled across our shared ministry! Twenty years later we are still regularly involved in couple and family ministry. Our own marriage has inevitably been enriched and strengthened by preparing seminars, taking further studies, and learning from the couples we counsel. The demands of ministry could easily send us off in different directions, but we reconnect deeply several times a year when we minister to other couples. Ministering together is not for every ministry couple. It has profound challenges as well as joys, and working on a shared project isn’t always easy. We may still find ourselves doing some of the work alone, we may still struggle with our different ideas about how and what we should do, but many couples find that even a small shared ministry can enhance their closeness and happiness. “Two are better than one,” writes the teacher of Ecclesiastes, “because they have a good reward for their labor” (Ecclesiastes 4:9, NKJV).

Six reasons for sharing a ministry 1. Ministering to others can bring you closer together as you talk, make plans, pray, work, and celebrate the joys and challenges together. 2. It may be better for you to share a joint ministry, and work together, than for each of you to work in

isolation with separate ministries, which can more than double the time you are apart from each other. 3. Doing something kind for others is one of the best ways to experience joy, peace, and love for yourself, too. 4. Discovering a shared ministry leads you to fill a unique role together as part of God’s purpose for your relationship. 5. The enjoyment and sense of purpose you have in your shared ministry can help you to weather the storm when you face challenges in your local churches. You can spend time together working on projects you enjoy, and your spouse can still count it as ministry time!

Discovering God’s unique ministry for your marriage Take a piece of paper each and write seven lists: 1. My spiritual gifts: These are the gifts of the Holy Spirit listed in the Bible, such as being generous, teaching, being kind and merciful, serving, leading, etc. Read Romans 12:6-8 and 1 Corinthians 12:8-10, then list the gifts you believe God has given to you. 2. My natural talents: These are the special gifts that you were born with and nurtured over the years, such as being able to sing or play an instrument, writing, public speaking, financial skills, creativity, etc. 3. My skills: These are other skills you’ve learned and practiced over the years, such as being able to fix a car, grow vegetables, decorate a home, ride a bike, cook, etc. They aren’t spiritual gifts or talents, but they are very useful skills that you have learned over the years. 4. My education: You have learned how to do some things because of your education and training background, such as nursing, teaching, accounting, creating a web site, leading a choir, etc. 5. My interests: These are the things that interest and inspire you. Again, they may be similar to things you have put in the other lists, but there may be

The enjoyment

and sense of

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have in your

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can help you

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face challenges

in your local

churches.


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some interests you have that don’t fit under any other category, such as an interest in health, learning about other cultures, traveling, community affairs, reading, etc. 6. My passions: These are the things you feel passionately about. Maybe it’s working with children, or sharing your faith, or health ministries, or serving the poor, etc. 7. My ministries: These are all the ministries you have enjoyed over the years. Perhaps you enjoyed working at a summer camp or helping disabled people get out and about. Maybe you enjoyed creating a prayer room at a retreat or being the hostess at an evangelistic event. List the ministries you’ve been involved with that left you feeling fulfilled in some way.

Blending your gifts Now look at each of your lists and prayerfully consider what God has given you. Pray that He will guide you to fill an important need in your community or circle of influence. Look for any common threads in your lists, such as passions and skills for working with children, or running a cooking class, or developing an outreach web site, or running family life seminars. As you discuss and explore your unique blend of gifts, talents, interests, skills, passions, education, and ministries, you may discover some ministry that excites you both. Maybe, like us, you’ll minister a couple of times a year at a marriage retreat. Perhaps you’ll work together in a Pathfinder class for an hour a week. Maybe you’ll go overseas and build schools for one week a year.

Couples ministering together Steve and Meg are passionate about making church a place where children and families want to be and where they are always learning about Jesus. Meg is especially good at finding fun ways to involve the children in Steve’s worship services. Paula loves teaching children about health and making it fun. Her husband, Bob, is great at playing the guitar and writing easy-to-learn songs. So they visit local schools during health-emphasis weeks, helping

children to learn about healthy choices and teaching them fun songs to reinforce their message. Now it’s your turn. How could God show His love for the world through your unique couple ministry?

Working Together • The goal of this exercise is to discover how God wants to use the love He has poured into your marriage as part of His mission plan for sharing His love with others. • By the end of this exercise, we hope you will find something that God has uniquely equipped you to do to together. It needs to be something you’ll both enjoy doing together that shares God’s love with your target group. • Pray that God will guide this process as you work together with Him to explore His mission plan for your marriage. • Swap worksheets and look at what your spouse has written. • Compare the sheets and see where you’ve agreed, and where there are differences. • God is calling you both to a shared ministry that will also share His love with others. What ministry do you think that might be? Or perhaps you’re already involved in a shared ministry, such as working with teens or feeding the homeless. • On a separate sheet of paper, write down some ideas about how you could use your unique blend of gifts, talents, and skills in a ministry to reach one of your identified target groups. • Plan a ministry project in your chosen shared ministry area within the next three months. What will you do? Write it below. Then pray for your project together. • Write a mission statement for your “couple ministry” that focuses on both of you working together and sharing God’s love with others. Work out your mission statement on spare paper and then write your final mission statement here: • Keep looking for the exciting and fresh ways God is calling you to minister together. Also notice how working together blesses your marriage!

Now look at

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and prayerfully

consider what

God has given you.

Pray that He will

guide you to fill an

important need in

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I noticed while I was an elder in the Sligo Seventh-day Adventist Church in Takoma Park, where my wife is serving as an associate pastor, that between my duties and hers, our time together became nearly

extinct. So I came up with a plan! Now I’m a deacon and to make sure that we have quality time together without my wife neglecting her duties, I started tagging along whenever possible - to hospital visits, nursing homes, Bible studies, weddings, and funerals. The people we visit express their appreciation for my presence and I enjoy getting to know them better. It is also beneficial to, on some occasions, do Bible studies together if the candidates agree. On Herbert’s numerous occasions my wife has had more urgent matters to attend to, such as hospital visits, so I carried on the Bible studies until she was able to join us. Suddenly a three thousand member church became a church of individuals - each having a different story to

tell. Suddenly the church became more like a family. We like to combine a visitation or Bible study with a “romantic” outing afterwards, a restaurant, desert in a nice café, a museum or just sitting on a park bench watching the world go by. Pastors can get very busy and sometimes their time with their spouse suffers, so doing things together, where possible, increases quality time together. You learn from each other and discover things in your spouse that you never realized before. I never really knew what was involved in pastoral work but my eyes were opened once I started getting more involved. I came to understand that a pastor has to be everything to everyone which can be very draining. I am sure your pastor spouse would appreciate if he or she gets more support from you becoming involved in their work. And you know what – IT’S FUN!

We like to

combine a

visitation or Bible

study with a

romantic outing

afterwards: a

restaurant, a

museum, or just

sitting on a park

bench.

Herbert Eisele, an educator who hails from Vienna, Austria, has taught at institutions of higher learning in Australia, New Guinea, Fiji and the USA. At his last two jobs he served as the administrative director of the graduate program at Washington Adventist University and later for ADRA International as Director for Staff Development. (Since he wrote this article, Herbert’s

wife has been transferred but he maintains his enthusiastic support for their ministry.)


VideosCouples

Counseling Couples

Dave & Eileen Gemmell interviewed Ivan & Kathleen Williamshttps://vimeo.com/32111769

The Benefits of Team Ministry

Partners in Ministry

Ivan & Kathleen Williams interviewed by Claudio & Pam Consuegrahttps://vimeo.com/31918606

The Fast-Paced Adventures

of a Two Pastor Family

There was a wrinkled Pathfinder uniform, two bags of fruit, water, snacks, a diaper bag, my laptop, two backpacks that had enough activities and books to last a day, and a piping

hot casserole. I was thinking, “there is no one way I’m going to get all this stuff and the kids in the car and to church on time.” It was one of those Sabbaths: packed with worship services, meetings, afternoon bible studies, potluck lunch, and an evening concert. We would be spending the entire day at church, all 5 of us: my husband, Orlando; our three boys, Gabriel, Isaiah, and Samuel; and myself. I am not going to lie, I was overwhelmed with the thought of getting into the car, much less having to pastor all day and take care of the kids at the same time. These ordinary logistical thoughts never entered my mind when my husband and I were first married. We were blissfully unaware of what pastoral life would look like 12 years and 3 boys later. But when both spouses are pastors, life can get excessively demanding. When we first met, we were so focused on just finding employment, that talking about future career plans, continuing education, and day-to-day scheduling of work and family did not come up. This is our beautiful and blessed reality: my husband and I work as a pastoral team. This was not always the case, in the past we have pastored in separate congregations. It was quite the challenge to be pregnant with our second son, have a toddler running around, and be working in different churches. I remember clearly one Sabbath, getting ready to preach with my pregnant belly and having to change diapers on my office floor. I was struggling and there was no one to help, a sense of hopelessness rushed over me. I thought to myself “Where is my husband and why are we separated? There must be a solution!” The lump in my throat made my eyes water as I allowed my emotions to get the better of me. My one-year old snapped me back into reality by pulling hair and laughing. Being apart as husband and wife pastors meant new challenges and trials. There was an obvious strain on our marriage and an unexpected

season of postpartum depression that followed the birth of our second child. I can only describe that period of our life as rough. Usually, married pastors need the steadfast support of their spouse when they have to attend meetings, preach an evangelistic series, go on weekly visitations, and the many other activities for which pastors are responsible. The pastor can rest easy knowing their spouse is covering the home front or watching the kids while he or she gets called away for an emergency. But what happens when both spouses are pastors, and they both work in the same church? Two things can happen: you learn how to cope and survive, or you learn how to accept God’s provision and thrive. We are choosing the latter.

Bedtime Stories

Conversation Starters 1. If you are a two-clergy couple, what is the biggest challenge you face due to your work assignments? Brainstorm strategies for how this could be improved. 2. How can a couple planning to have children and both be ministers, prepare for the potential, fast-paced realities and challenges of parenting while both in ministry? We have been at our current church for the last five years and are thankful to minister together. At first it was a scary thought, work with each other, full time? Yikes.

But what happens

when both spouses

are pastors, and they

both work in the

same church? Two

things can happen:

you learn how to

cope and survive,

or you learn how

to accept God’s

provision and thrive.

We are choosing the

latter.



After our rough start to marriage and family (where my husband and I worked in separate congregations), I began chaplaincy at the Adventist school beside the church my husband pastored. For four years we were able to delicately balance family and ministry, and enjoyed the support (a.k.a. free babysitting and food) of our nearby family and the blessings of an awesome church and vibrant school. But as you know, pastoral assignments change and the call to work together in a church came as a surprise. I was excited to work as a team, because I really admire my pastoral husband’s experience and ministry wisdom. At the same time, I was anxious because this call took us five hours away from family and to a city with no friends or support. And we needed support. Our kids were four and five years old and I was five months pregnant with our third son. How were we going to manage to raise them, nurture our marriage, and lead this new congregation? I was anxious - and I am sure it was not the pregnancy heartburn. It was fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of being out of balance, fear of having my children labeled, and fear of how this new church would accept us. How awesome is our God that takes all our fears and, in return, gives us peace. I clung to the promise in Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”7 A simple yet powerful guarantee to squash my apprehensions. Little did I know, God would call this verse to mind again in the future, to gently remind me of His authority in all things. We slowly began to figure out how to manage life with two young children, a baby on the way, church work, and everything else. There was a learning curve when it came to fielding members’ concerns about a husband and wife team. Our married relationship was never used to power play board decisions or steam roll congregational interests. At church we were colleagues, at home, we were husband and wife. Sure, there were times we had ‘staff’ meetings at the breakfast table, but we were never inappropriate at church. The fact I was a woman in ministry also brought up some unkind bias, but encouraging support always overshadowed the negative remarks from people. My husband led by example, speaking to issues of civil, social, and religious justice. By addressing these current topics, he managed to support my calling as a female pastor; using the Word of God to educate our congregation. His steadfast and calm demeanor disarmed rude cynics, and he gently pulled me into focus if I got distracted by their negativity.

Pastor’s Wife Conversation Starters 1. What do you think were some of the emotions that Pastor Anne experienced during this episode and how did she deal with them? 2. Contrast the ways in which Pastor Marvin (in the video) and Pastor Orlando Pule (as discussed by the article writer, Pastor Elizabeth

Pule, in the previous paragraph) dealt with painful gender discrimination leveled by church members against their wives. Fast forward a year and half later, we are now a family of five, carefully trying to maintain equilibrium on all fronts. There were days when everything went according to plan, other days were a struggle. Such is life with three boys, especially with pastoral parents. Just when we hit a comfortable rhythm, things were about to get turned upside down. During a routine speech therapy assessment for our youngest son (our first child also needed speech therapy, when he was in kindergarten), our world was forever changed. At an introductory appointment, I was told that Samuel may have “other issues.” Apparently, “other issues” was code for autism.8 What followed was a year of various testing, assessments, specialist visits, observations, and confusion. For over a year we held our breath on an official diagnosis, trying to get into focused private therapy while waiting to hear back from the doctors. During this time, I cried a lot, my heart was heavy, and it was difficult for me to be at peace with all the uncertainty. For over 400 days, our morning prayer during family worship was for Samuel to “use his words”. At this point he was 28 months old and did not have enough vocabulary or pronunciation of simple words to meet the age-appropriate milestones. He would have terrible tantrums because he was unable to communicate his needs and wants. During speech therapy he would throw himself on the ground and thrash when he was challenged in any way. I had a million questions whirling around in my head. What kind of future would my son have? Would he have any friends, how would he learn, would he be bullied? Our Heavenly Father sent the Holy Spirit to calm my troubled heart. He spoke to me during all of this, He said “in all


VideoOur Journey in Ministry


Pastors Orlando & Elizabeth Pule

things, I work for the good; even in the tantrums.” Finally, in June 2016 we received Samuel’s official assessment for ASD. There were still so many questions I had about the entire process, but now with this diagnosis, we could start to access government programming and resources. The next 10 months were full of prayer, relentless independent research, applications for funding, interviews at therapy providers, and meeting other families with ASD children (all wedged in amidst ministry appointments). It was a very long, frustrating journey. Our awesome God called to my heart every day the promise in Romans 8:28 “In all things, God works for the good”. Now, putting it simply, over the past 10 months, our Samuel has not only learned how to “use his words,” but he can read at a Grade 1 level, count up to 150, identify his alphabet, colors, shapes, and can independently use the potty. He also sings our praise and worship songs by memory (accompanied by the best dance moves).

Can I get an AMEN? Psalm 5:11 says “But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.” God is awesome! He has opened countless doors for Samuel to receive the best therapy and resources Ottawa, for him to thrive despite his challenges. For us, being a pastoral team means our whole family working together with Jesus. It means acknowledging His authority in our lives; being faithful to His call as spouses, parents, and pastors; accepting His peace for our future; and giving thanks for His providence. Husband and wife pastoral teams may not be common, but I have no doubt the Lord has called us to be exactly where we are. We recognize there will be days of utter exhaustion, crumpled shirts, messy rooms, miscommunication, and misunderstandings. But we celebrate and praise God for this great adventure.

Pastor Elizabeth Pule, MDiv, blessed with three energetic boys and one amazing husband Orlando, was pastoring in Ottawa, Ontario at the time of the writing of this article. They currently serve as the family

ministries directors of the Ontario Conference.

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Let us begin by taking a quiz. Do you agree or disagree with the following statements? 1. Pastoral families usually protect their personal and family lives. 2. The expectations of church members often impinge upon a pastor’s family and home life. 3. A significant dimension to pastoral ministry is the modeling of healthy family relations. 4. A pastor and/or the pastor’s spouse should be available whenever he or she is called upon by a church member. 5. Pastors who turn off their cell phones or home phones in order to spend time with their families deny their church members access, which they have a right to expect. 6. Pastors and their spouses often get so involved with helping others that there is no time left for their own families.

The pastor’s family What do Scripture and the writings of Ellen G. White have to say about our responsibilities to our families? “If anyone does not take care of his own relatives, especially his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1

Timothy 5:8, ISV). “Exploit or abuse your family, and end up with a fistful of air” (Proverbs 11:29, The Message). “There is no more important missionary field than our own home”* Rank the following list according to how your family currently prioritizes things: 1. Work with church and church members 2. Family 3. God As a pastor, do you make a distinction between God and work? This becomes a difficult question when your work includes service to God. Too often we lump service to the church together with service to God when they need to be kept distinct, even separate. They are not the same. Our responsibilities to God should always take top priority over our obligations to the church. But where do our obligations to our families come in? Do we meet the needs of our church members at the expense of our own families? If so, we are making a big mistake. In order to avoid this, the minister and his or her family must find the right balance between church and home life. What follows are eight principles to help you best prioritize your family in your life.

The Ministerial Family: Balancing church and

family life first appeared in the November, 2011 issue of Ministry,® International Journal for Pastors, www.

MinistryMagazine.org. Used by permission.

Balancing church and family life

1. Balance the urgent with the important Consider the following depiction of things that demand your attention and decide under which heading you operate most of the time. a. Nonurgent and Unimportant: Here we find the pastoral demands of the trivial, unimportant, inconsequential, irrelevant—or what we might call the junk mail—which some have difficulty escaping from. b. Urgent but Unimportant: This is the area that demands most of our time. These things seem urgent but are often unimportant in the overall scheme of things. c. Urgent and Important: This may seem like the best place in which to operate; however, in this setting, you are in crisis mode. Who wants to be putting out fires every day? There must be a better way. d. Nonurgent but Important: This is actually the best quadrant in which to minister. Deal with the important before the important becomes urgent. The best way to get into this quadrant is to plan, organize, and prioritize. Learning to operate here saves time that you can then give to your family. 2. Let others hold you accountable and help you You may need some outside help to review how you are using your time. Talk to your local conference ministerial secretary and seek guidance and counsel. Keep a journal for a 30-day period and review it. How do you spend most of your time? Have a mentor review the journal with you and give you feedback. You may need someone else to “give you permission” to take some time off. Eliminate things that are not necessary. March to the mission that Jesus called you to do, not to the mission that others want you to do for them. Involve the local church board and staff in your decision to make your family a priority. This does not mean that you ask their permission for time off; rather, it means that they are informed and involved in the process. Your church members should then be informed. Remember, your family can be a role model for other families in the church regarding this important topic. Make sure that roles, expectations, and expectations of all your church officers are clearly defined. If it is not your job, cut it out of your schedule! Let other church leaders do their jobs, and you do yours. Do not take someone else’s ministry away from them. Every pastor needs to add one item to their current job description: commitment to my own family.

3. Set limits on time for regular church office/work time What is a reasonable amount of time for staff development, to sit on committees, to meet with church members, sermon preparation, and other items? In one survey of lay people, the answers to this question averaged 82 hours per week—an incredibly great amount of time. One church member even proposed that the pastor may work 200 hours per week. There will be those special events or times, such as during an evangelistic series, when you may have no choice but to work many hours. But at the end, reward yourself and your family with some special alone time together. This will give you all a treat to look forward to as you dedicate yourself to ministry at those particular times. 4. Guard and protect boundaries Set and lovingly communicate parameters to your church family in order to protect your private family time, and encourage them to do the same. A good minister will always respond to legitimate emergencies, but it is important to define an emergency. Be candid with your church about how they can expect you to respond to various crises. What is an emergency? What is a crisis? Defining these terms ahead of time will help you identify those instances that may, or may not, need immediate attention. Some “emergencies” can, in fact, wait. Your clearly communicated responses will diffuse misunderstandings before they develop and often prevent the manipulation of your time. Establish a day off each week and make sure that all your church family is aware of what time has been set aside. Guarding your boundaries requires action. Put your computer and phone aside when you are with your spouse or children. You do not have to answer every call immediately. Preserve your family meal times. Eating together as a family is an important time to talk and share about the day’s happenings, challenges, joys, and tomorrow’s events.

5. A regular schedule makes crises easier to bear If you have a regular day off with your family and take time to give them a place of importance in your schedule, then when a real crisis arises that takes you away, these kinds of events will be easier to bear.

6. Mentor others Delegate as much as possible to other church leaders. Trust and train them to do the job that the nominating committee has elected them to do. Allow them to serve. Do not take service opportunities

What’s the

most important

lesson for your

ministry to

know right from

the start?

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away from your church members because you feel you can do it better or faster. Help out the church family and yourself by sharing in ministry. If you are too busy, you are probably not delegating. Train and trust people to coordinate and lead programs and events. Investing time in the training of others will not only save you hours, but fulfill the scriptural guidance offered in Ephesians 4:11, 12: “It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up” (NIV). 7. Schedule family time in your calendars now Schedule your vacation early in the year. Many of our ministerial families lose vacation time because they are too busy to take it. There may never be a “good time” but this must be a priority. Schedule one night every week with your spouse, a kind of “date night.” When God created Adam, He said it was not good for him to be alone. So He gave Adam a wife, not a whole church family. Here is a formula that may be good to adopt: Spend at least 30 minutes each evening together, one entire evening each week, one day each month, and one weekend each quarter. Schedule one evening with the entire family. Remember to make each child feel special. Try to schedule time with each child alone. When you are traveling, remember to call home and speak to your spouse and to each child. One minister offers his family his daily planner to have first choice for them to fill in the time they want with him. He sacredly guards the time

they have agreed on, even declining to chair important meetings. He tells a story of a church board member spotting his car near the beach and seeing him playing on the beach with his kids when he had previously told him that he was not available to meet. This experience gave the minister an opportunity to testify to his own family and the church of the importance of making his family a priority.

8. Take time for yourself Take time for yourself to renew and recommit your relationship to God. As a spiritual leader, you must take the time to grow spiritually. Get needed rest each night. You will be profitable for no one if you are not mindful that your body needs rest and renewal through sleep. Our families are our most important treasures and God-given gifts on this earth. How sad it will be when we get to heaven if our family members are missing. We must begin today to make them a priority so that we can spend eternity together. Questions for further reflection/discussion: 1. Where are your church responsibilities on your priority list? 2. Where is your family on your priority list? 3. What constitutes an “emergency”? 4. Are there people with whom it’s easier to say No to than others? If so, what makes the difference? 5. Why does saying No make you feel guilty? 6. Regarding my time, do I say Yes to my church family more often than to my family? 7. What can I change, beginning today?

Schedule one evening with the entire family.

Remember to make each child feel special. Try to

schedule time with each child alone.

Pamela Consuegra, Ph.D., serves as the NAD associate family ministries director and has a background in Adventist education having served as a

teacher, academy principal and Superintendent of Schools. Pamela and her husband, Claudio, have two adult daughters.

WHEN MINISTRY AND FAMILY CLASH:

Living Upside Down?

What’s the most important lesson you learned from your ministry that you wish you’d known right from the start? We posed the question to a wonderful, wise

and warm-hearted retired pastor who was eating lunch with us at camp-meeting. Tears smudged his eyes as he gathered his feelings into a deep sigh, “I would put my family first”. He paused. “I thought I was doing the right thing, always being there for my members, but I wasn’t there for my family. I hurt them badly”. He bit his lip. “Whenever I missed my kids’ special moments, whenever I broke the promises I made to my wife, whenever my ministry left my family sad and alone, I hurt them and God. They grew up believing I cared more about my members than I did about them. If I could start over, my family would come before my ministry, and my ministry would be the better for it”. Peter Scazzero, author of “The Emotionally Healthy Leader”, was shaken from his own upside-down perspective on ministry when his wife told him she wasn’t going to his church any more. For years he’d promised they would do this, go there, or take a vacation, when this project ended, or that campaign was over. But the day never came. Geri’s decision challenged Peter to reflect deeply on the

vital relationship between God, his family and his congregation. Counseling and research brought Peter to a fresh understanding of his ministry. He realized that it wasn’t about being a pastoral superhero and leaving his family sad, disappointed and resentful. Paul told Timothy to choose leaders who have strong family relationships because those who don’t look after their own families won’t have the skills to look after God’s family (1 Tim. 3:1-5). Peter discovered that effective pastors prioritize their relationship with God. They soak up His love until it infuses every part of their being. Then they pour God’s love into their marriages and families, giving them the best of their love, energy and wisdom, before sharing the rest of it with their congregation. Compassionate pastors understand that their own families are the best place for them to learn the skills they need to serve their members with love and integrity. In a world where many families are falling apart, our churches need pastoral couples who make sure their families are strengthened by their faith, love, commitment, kindness, and service. Our members need encouragement to focus on the needs of their families, and to make them the highest priority in their lives after God. Then our churches are more likely to be

In a world where

many families are

falling apart, our

churches need

pastors who make

sure their families

are strengthened

by their faith, love,

commitment,

kindness, and

service.

IMTM

PHO

TO/I

STO

CK/T

HIN

KSTO

CK

Karen Holford is a qualified family therapist and is currently the family ministries director for the Trans-European Division and a regular contributor to The Journal,

a quarterly publication for SDA pastoral spouses.

happier, healthier and more loving. But it starts with the minister’s family. The future of our church depends on this changed perspective. One of the reasons young people give for not becoming pastors is that they’ve seen the distress in older pastor’s marriages, and they don’t want to put their own family through the same pain.

Loving God We love others best when we experience God’s love first (1 John 4:19). Focus on God’s love for you. Reflect on verses that describe God’s love, such as Psalm 23, 103, and 145. Read the Father’s Love Letter at www.fathersloveletter.com. Notice the million ways that God is showering His love on you. The more loved you feel by God, the more God’s love will flow through you into your family and churches. If you struggle to experience God’s love, then it’s a good idea to find a Christian counselor to help you.

Love your family When pastoral families prioritize their own family relationships, lives are transformed. Spouses and children need our focused time, careful attention, warm encouragement, and gracious acceptance to help them flourish. When those we love never have to question our love, or how important they are to us, they are much less likely to complain, be resentful, misbehave, start arguments, or even suffer from depression. Set aside the best time for you and your family to be together and protect it. Put it in your schedule and give it a name. One pastor calls it Boot Camp, and guards it like a national secret. Put your love into action in tangible ways. Ask each person in your family, “What can I do today to show you how much I love you?” And then do it. Plan one-on-one time with your spouse and each child once a week if possible. Make a list of small and simple ways to show your love to each person in your family, and then do them as often as you can – 5-10 times a day.

Love your church When we’re saturated with God’s love for us, and

when we live out that love in healthy marriages and families, then we are in the best place to minister to our church members. Knowing how to love, accept, comfort, support, and encourage the people in our own family, means we’ll be better at caring for our congregations. We’re more likely to preach authentically about relationships and prioritize supportive family ministries. Show your church members that you care in simple and tangible ways as often as you can. Appreciate what they do, listen to them well, and be compassionately sad with those who are sad (Rom 12:15).

When priorities clash Ministry life isn’t predictable. There’ll be emergencies and tragedies and there’ll be times when you may have to choose between your child’s concert, or your anniversary dinner, and a family in the emergency room or the funeral home. When members feel that you genuinely care for them, they’re more willing to understand if something else has to take priority. Most caring professionals are not expected to be on call 24/7. Ask your elder or a trained counselor to be on call when you’re attending a special family event. Advertise this in your bulletin and live a positive example of putting your family before your work. When needs clash, talk about the choice together and ask some of these questions: • What will the decision mean to each person in my family? • On a scale of 0-10 how much will the choice hurt my spouse and children, or bring them joy? • What might be the long-term implications of this choice for each person in my family? • How might this choice affect my spouse and my children’s relationship with God? • What does my choice say about me, my values and my priorities? • If my family agrees to take second place in this instance, what do I need to do to re-balance and heal the relationship as soon as possible? • If I prioritize my family, who is the best person to minister to the church situation?

Spouses and

children need

our focused

time, careful

attention, warm

encouragement,

and gracious

acceptance

to help them

flourish.

VideoWhen Ministry Gets in the Way of Family and Marriage

www.hopetv.org/shows/realfamilytalk/episode/ml/-/when-ministry-gets-in-the-way-of-family-marriage/

Roger and Kathy Hernandez interviewed by Willie and Elaine Oliver

Original airing on Oct 26, 2014; Permission granted by Real Family Talk


A Clash of Expectations:

Dealing with Gender Bias

Since 2010, I’ve had the privilege of associating with many male ministerial spouses within the North American Division who have related primarily positive experiences to me of their

journey as ministerial spouses. There is one issue, however, that surfaces often that I’d like to explore.

Clash of expectations Within the current North American Adventist culture, there is a challenging reality that faces male ministerial spouses who hold to the expectation that their wives should be treated with fairness and dignity within their workplace and by the organization in which they serve. Sadly, this basic expectation clashes with the beliefs of an empowered minority who hold to their right and,

with some, their perceived responsibility to express gender-bias against women clergy in ways that range from subtle put-downs to outright condemnation of any women being hired as pastors.

Reactions to the clash After documents were released some time ago that limited the role that women can play in the church, I attempted to speak with as many male ministerial spouses as I could to learn their feelings and let them personally know that their ministerial team at the NAD was earnestly praying for them and their family members. One male ministerial spouse told me that it felt like he had been kicked in the stomach. Another said that he wished to leave the church. Many sadly expressed that their teen and young adult children

Within the current North

American Adventist culture,

there is a challenging

reality that faces male

ministerial spouses who

hold to the expectation

that their wives should

be treated with fairness

and dignity within their

workplace and by the

organization in which they

serve.

were struggling to remain Adventists. Most shared that, while experiencing deep pain, their resolve to support their wives in their calling and ministry had grown even stronger under the attacks. Effectively regulating one’s reactions to this ongoing clash of expectations obviously differs with each male spouse’s personality and life experiences. Ken Sandes, in his book Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, captures graphically the spectrum of three main ways people respond to the ‘Slippery Slope’ of conflict – from withdrawal on one side to attack on the other and reconciliation in the middle.

Retreat If your tendency when encountering gender-based put downs to your wife’s calling and ministry is to retreat and become silent – albeit, for good reasons such as to avoid intensifying the tension or to conceal your own mounting frustration and anger - consider the long term effects on your own emotional and physical health of repeatedly restraining the urge to defend and protect the one you love from unfair attacks. Is it possible that your silence could also leave your wife feeling vulnerable, unprotected, and isolated within her own church and home? If so, could not this put you in a lonely place as well?

Attack On the other hand, if your tendency is to shoot back at the attackers, consider the possible long-term effects of severing relationships with church members and impacting your and your wife’s ability to minister to those you’ve shot down.

Middle Ground In relating to this complex issue, what would the middle ground look like for you? Only you, under the Holy Spirit’s guidance, and with an ongoing understanding of your own emotions and those of your wife and children, can decide what boundaries you need to set for yourself for the well-being of you and your family. If your family includes children of an age that can be affected by this issue, make sure to hear their perspectives and how they are being affected. While much can be said by many veteran male ministerial spouses of taking the ‘high road’ and maturely developing a ‘greasy back,’ there are two cautions. First, be aware if some of the grease is leaking inward and causing blockages in your own spiritual, emotional, or physical arteries. Second, there may be times and places where the most appropriate reaction to bullies will be to speak truth in love to whomever and in whatever way God directs. On the lighter side, I’m intrigued by the parable of the unrighteous steward found in Luke 16:1-13 in which the master praises the unjust steward and states that the people of the world are wiser in dealing with people of their generation than the children of light (Luke 16:8). Which reminds me of the applicable ‘wisdom’ found in two lines of Don Schlitz’s lyrics in The Gambler: “You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, Know when to walk away, and know when to run.”

Staying authentic Though the personalities, talents, and skills vary dramatically from one male pastoral spouse to another, many have shared with me how doing what they enjoy and are gifted for within the congregation(s) that their spouse pastors, has usually contributed to their happiness and to the decreasing of the stresses often felt with judgments initially passed by others. Here are just a few examples. A woman pastor, whose hiring broke new ground in her conference, told me that she was assigned two churches which included some members who had a strong bias against female pastors. After a challenging beginning, her husband, armed with his tool box, mechanical skills, and generous spirit, spent some of his spare time attacking the things that needed fixing at the churches. “Oh Donna,” she said, “they absolutely love my husband! And they show their love for me too!” In another conference, a woman pastor shared with me that, being the first woman pastor hired in her conference, a church she was assigned to had some members with entrenched prejudices against

Maintain PerspectiveHere are some wisdom nuggets from Scripture that may help you maintain perspective (all texts are from ESV): • “For everything there is a season, . . .a time to tear, a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1a, 7) • “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.” (Proverbs 19:20) • “Set a guard over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.” (Psalm 141:3) • “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” (Exodus 14:14) • “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him Who is the head, into Christ.” (Ephesians 4:15)

women clergy. Her husband’s wise assessment of the problematic personalities in her congregation, she told me, was an invaluable help to her in avoiding interpersonal pitfalls. She also reported that at other times, when the struggles weighed her down, her husband buoyed her up and gently reminded her of her calling and gifts. A spouse told me that he enjoyed creating media backgrounds for his pastoral wife and running the P.A. during church and felt that this team ministry kept them close and his wife feeling supported. Another pastor’s husband told me that he enjoyed doing hospital and home visits with his wife when he wasn’t traveling for his own job. The common factor is that they all did what they chose to and enjoyed doing. Incidentally, protection and advocacy can wear many hats. Two important things that male spouses of pastors have reported that provide them with perspectives and useful tips in navigating rough situations include finding a support network of other male spouses and connecting with a godly mentor who understands and/or can relate to their circumstances.

Strong men marry pastors! Obviously, the role of a male ministerial spouse is not for weaklings. It takes a strong man to marry and live as one with a woman pastor—including those who are pastors themselves. It also takes an emotionally intelligent and God-empowered man to journey with awareness through the land mines that the enemy sets out and the more frequent joys and victories that God graciously provides. Friend, your experiences may not be understood by many but they will always, always be understood by the One who calls you by name, gifts you with strength and unique talents, and delights in a personal relationship with you. May your story be His and His story forever yours.

1Ken Sande, Peacekeeping: A Biblical Way to Resolve Conflict (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004) accessed September 13, 2018, https://rw360.org/slippery-slope/. 2Don Schlitz wrote The Gambler in August 1976 when he was just 23 years old.

Donna Jackson serves as an associate director for the North American Division Ministerial Association and is responsible for supporting ministerial spouses.

Effectively

regulating one’s

reactions to this

ongoing clash

of expectations

obviously differs

with each

male spouse’s

personality and

life experiences.

It takes a

strong man to

marry and live

as one with a

woman pastor—

including those

who are pastors

themselves.


VideoThe Elder


Discussion Question: Recall and share with your spouse a time when God turned your loathing into loving.

Conflicts are normal. They happen when two very different people grow closer to each other and notice that they have different priorities, beliefs, habits and values. As

A.P. Herbert once said, ‘the concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit that is only to be admired in sheep!’9

But when your differences threaten your closeness, you have a choice. You can fight about them bitterly and hurt each other. Or you can talk about them in constructive ways, learn more about what’s important to each other, and find creative solutions that you both enjoy. Here are some creative ideas for couples in conflict.

Laying peaceful foundations The more we feel that our partner loves us and cares for us, listens to us, soothes us, puts us first and has our best interests at heart, the easier it will be to manage conflicts and differences in the relationship. When we don’t feel heard, understood, supported and cared for,

we are more likely to defend our own position and be less likely open to our partner’s suggestions, needs and ideas. Doing something every day to help your partner feel loved, supported, respected, appreciated, encouraged and special will help you to solve your challenges more easily.

Questions to ask before you argue: • Why is this issue bothering me so much? • Am I tired, hungry, or full of strong feelings, and would it be better to sleep, eat or go for a walk and calm before we start to talk? • What values and personal beliefs do I have that are being challenged? • How important is this issue? Will it matter in a year’s time? Is this battle worth the damage it might do to our relationship? • If I were in my partner’s shoes what would I be most concerned about? • What could I do differently that might help the situation, and what positive difference might that make

Creative Conflicts for Caring Couples

62 63to our relationship? • How can I explain my concerns in a positive and caring way, so that my partner feels happy to help me?

Stay safe There are plenty of landmines in conflict territory! Here are three dangers to watch out for: • Blame – Avoid blaming each other for the problem. It pushes your partner further into hurt, shame and distress and makes it harder to work things out. • Walking away – If you need some space to think, don’t just walk out without saying when you’ll come back. This can leave your partner feeling frightened or angry. Say you need some time to think about things properly, and agree on a good time to talk later. • Scorn – Avoid attacking each other’s character or family members. Rude and disrespectful words hurt and wound deeply, and stay in our memories for a very long time. Imagine you’re disagreeing with your boss instead of your partner and you’ll probably find yourself saying things in quite a different way…

One at a time… Focus on one conflict at a time. Bringing up negative past experiences only distracts you from discussing what’s important now. So make life simpler for yourselves by sticking to one topic.

Share your ‘problem’ When you describe a problem as ‘our problem’, rather than ‘your problem’ or ‘my problem’, you’ll both feel more responsible for working on it together.

Listen to each other When we argue we don’t listen to each other properly. We’re too busy wondering what we’re going to say next, or we’re too angry and upset to hear what the other person needs to say. Good listening can prevent arguments escalating out of control. • Try listening to your partner as they make one point at a time. • Then repeat back what your partner said, simply and warmly, to check you’ve heard correctly: ‘So you’re saying…did I get that right?’ • Let your partner clarify anything that you may have misunderstood. • Then swap roles so you each have a chance to speak and be heard properly. • Repeat this process, one point at a time, until you’ve heard and understood what you both have to say about the issue. This process can feel strange at first - so don’t worry

if you feel awkward. It’s worth persisting because it feels very good to know you’ve been heard, and that experience alone can lower the heat of the discussion.

Never say never…always The phrases: ‘You never…!’ and ‘You always…!’ are virtually guaranteed to make any conflict worse, because our partners will almost always disagree with us! Try saying: ‘Help me to understand why you find it difficult to do such or such…or why you choose to do such and such.’ Your partner is much more likely to respond positively, and it’s really useful to hear their side of the story.

Write it down Take a large sheet of paper each and divide it into nine numbered rectangles. Label them like this: 1. I am glad we’re discussing this because… 2. This concern is important to me because… 3. When I was a child my family managed these concerns by… 4. The emotions I feel when I think about this concern are… 5. The concern we agree to explore is…(Fill in this central square first.) 6. My past experiences with this kind of concern are… 7. From my perspective this concern is affecting our relationship by… 8. Some ideas about how we can work together to solve our problem are… 9. Something else it would be helpful for you to know is… Write in as many rectangles as possible, then swap papers and read each other’s answers. If you have any questions, write them on sticky notes and add them to the page for your partner to answer. This helps you to get your important points across clearly and simply, without having to argue and fight about them.

Win-win No one really wins an argument. The winner loses the trust and respect of the loser. The loser loses hope. And sometimes the relationship is lost forever. When you’re both working towards a mutually beneficial solution, you’re more likely to feel respected, understood and positive about each other. You may have to be flexible, and you may not get exactly what you hoped for. But it’s better than destroying your relationship.

The more we feel

that our partner

loves us and cares

for us, listens to us,

soothes us, puts

us first and has our

best interests at

heart, the easier it

will be to manage

conflicts and

differences in the

relationship.

Bringing up

negative past

experiences only

distracts you

from discussing

what’s important

now. So make

life simpler for

yourselves by

sticking to one

topic.

S E C T I O N 3 : R E L AT I O N S H I P S S E C T I O N 3 : R E L AT I O N S H I P S

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As I look back over the last 40 plus years my husband and I have spent in ministry, I can honestly say that they have been wonderful years filled with much joy. Of course, there were times of discouragement and hurt as well. It’s

easy to love people that are kind and agreeable, but not so easy to love those who are treating me or my husband or family poorly. Those who are critical and hateful I would rather ignore. But as Christians and as pastors’ spouses, isn’t loving someone who has been unkind exactly the kind of loving we are called to? Don’t I want to be a pastor’s wife who’s characterized by love for others regardless of whether or not I’ll be treated well in return? It’s not an easy thing to do but through grace I can become a combination of a thick-skinned but tender-hearted woman. It’s not that I want to grow calloused or will never struggle with sadness or hurt. So what does it mean to be thick-skinned? It means to have the grace and strength to avoid being overly sensitive or easily hurt. It means having a quiet confidence in who you are as a child of God, regardless of comments, inferences, or comparisons. Yet it also

means having a heart that is tender and warm. There is such a beauty in a person who can extend grace to those who have caused pain. So how do we develop this thicker skin and a softer heart? Of course, it’s not easy. We are all human. We would rather fight back, get defensive, or take revenge. It’s definitely something we can’t do on our own. I believe we must look to our beautiful Savior, saturate ourselves in His Word, talk to Him openly and honestly, and bask in His love. This strengthens us from within, giving us a calm resilience while still keeping us compassionate, kind, and open to new information about ourselves. As I grow in spiritual maturity, I can listen carefully and empathetically without being easily offended. Whether ministry is sweet or sorrowful, whether there is love or hurt, whether there is peace or pain, what we need most of all is to look to Jesus. Remember that simple song - “Jesus loves me this I know.” I pray that each of us continues to let God grow in our hearts more and more each day, helping us to develop a thick skin but a tender heart for people.

Having a Tender Heart and Thick Skin

Marilyn Wright is a nurse who recently retired which gives her more time to enjoy her children, grandchildren and travel with her husband, Dr. Ed Wright, President of the Georgia-Cumberland Conference. As the ministerial spouse leader in her conference, Marilyn writes a monthly newsletter to her ministerial spouses. This writing is adapted from her April 19, 2018

issue. Used with permission.

Ask yourself – What’s most important here? The issue we’re discussing, or our relationship?

Turning a Nag into a Polite Request Nagging is probably the least effective way to help a person change their behavior! It can make the other person feel defensive, stubborn and even rebellious! Whenever you feel frustrated, and you want to ‘nag’ your spouse, stop. Hold it right there and turn it into a polite request. Write down your polite request and practice saying it so that it rolls off the tongue quicker than a nag! Here’s how to do it: 1. In this situation (be specific but avoid saying ‘you’ 2. When this happens (be specific) 3. I feel (be specific) (and maybe you feel…) 4. And it would really help me if you could do (be specific) 5. And then I can help you by (be specific) So, instead of saying ‘I can’t believe you left your dirty football kit in a bag all week! Why on earth didn’t you put them in the laundry hamper!?’ You would say: 1. When dirty football kits are not put in the laundry hamper to be washed 2. And they are not clean and ready when you need them again

Pastor Bernie and Karen Holford write from England where Bernie

serves as a pastor and Karen is the family ministries director of the Trans-European Division of

Seventh-day Adventists.

64 65 3. I feel frustrated (and maybe you do too) 4. It would really help me if you would put them in the laundry hamper, or by the washing machine, as soon as you come home from a football game and then I can help you by making sure that they are clean for your next game. Try this kind of positive ‘nagging’ and see what happens!

Kiss it better quickly It’s important to apologize quickly after a big argument. You can say you’re sorry. You can write a note or text message; send a card; give flowers or small gifts; hug and comfort each other; do something kind; or show you’re trying to do better, etc. Whatever you do it’s very important to ‘kiss and make up’ as quickly as possible, and to reassure your partner that you still love them.

Creating a positive plan When you’re facing a conflict or a problem it can help to follow a process. • Listen to each other, or write your ideas down simply and clearly, so that you both understand each other’s hopes and concerns, and why you are facing a challenge. • Make a list of all your ideas for solving the problem, including some funny ideas. The funny ideas are important too, because laughter can help your brain to find more creative possibilities. • Have each person rate each idea on a scale of 0-5, where 0 is ‘I would not even think about doing this’ and 5 is ‘I think this idea would work very well’. • Add your two ratings together, and the idea with the highest rating is your shared favorite. • Agree to try this idea for a week, as an experiment. Then evaluate it, adjusting it if necessary. • If you had several ideas that scored high, try each of them for a week, and see which one works best, or which one you like the best.

Biblical wisdom for couples in conflictPhilippians 2: 1-4; James 1:19; Ephesians 4:29,32; 1 John 4:18; Romans 12:10, 15,16.1www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/sheep_4.html

It’s important

to apologize

quickly after a

big argument.

You can say

you’re sorry.

VideoRunning Late

www.vimeo.com/88019590 Discussion Question: What can you do to lover stress levels for yourself and your family on a reoccurring point of disagreement?

Videos


VideosDealing

with Criticism

Galina Stele interviewed by Joanne Cortes


Going Beyond

Criticism

Galina Stele interviewed by Joanne Cortes


66 67

Videos

Discipling Your Children


PKs Live


After a special revival weekend at my church, and God’s gentle calling through my high school years, I knew I must follow the Lord. I was only 17, but I wanted to devote my life

to God in ministry. I did not know how or where, but I knew it had to be with God. Throughout college and various challenges, I still had kept that same desire. In terms of marriage, I could not see anyone with the same calling as I had, so I accepted that I would probably be single for the rest of my life. I prayed that whatever happened, I would always put God first.Not until that prayer, did God allow me to meet someone wonderful! He was a young Vietnamese man named, Vinh. He had just attended a Revelation seminar, felt God’s calling, quit his prosperous computer engineering job, and entered the seminary. Praise the Lord for His leading. Vinh and I were married 3 years later, and committed our lives to service in the gospel ministry. We wanted our children to also partner with us and experience the joy and privilege of ministry. I would like to share a few tips that have greatly helped us do ministry as a family.

Devotional Life A strong devotional life will give you renewed strength and energy. It will give guidance and wisdom in the life of your family. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths” (Proverbs 3:5, 6). Having daily devotionals is a great time to get together in the evening with the family.Suggestions:a) Read the Bible Together - Follow a Bible reading

plan, read a daily devotional, or study a Bible lesson. Children like to stay on schedule with a Bible plan. They do well with structured time.b) Prayer Journal- Keep a prayer journal with daily thanksgiving and prayer requests. Prayer will rejuvenate your life.1. Praises - Daily praises encourages the spirit of thankfulness.2. Prayer Requests – Write prayer requests down, and later record when the prayers are answered. Looking back, you and your children will be amazed how God answers each prayer!c) Daily Devotional Booksd) Listen to Bible CDS - For example, Your Story Hour CDS in the car, on the way to school and work.

Support your Pastoral Spouse and your Children“Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do” (I Thes. 5:11).a) Pastors Need Encouragement – The spouse plays a vital role in encouraging and uplifting the pastor1. Daily Walks Together – Walks together in the daytime or evening is a way to reconnect with each other while keeping physically fit.2. Date Nights, Vacations, etc. – Scheduling regular time with your spouse is very important for a healthy marriage and effective ministry.b) Children Need Encouragement – The Pastor’s children need to be especially loved and appreciated. We need to be sensitive to our children’s needs. Be interested in what your children enjoy.1. Play sports or exercise together with your children

Write prayer

requests

down, and later

record when

the prayers

are answered.

Looking back,

you and your

children will be

amazed how

God answers

each prayer!

Ways to Include the Family in Ministry


A Father’s Prayer


Jonas Arrais

Used by permission

Joanne and Jose Cortes, Jr.

Statements taken from 5 PK focus groups (delivered by actors)

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Cynthia L. Nguyen, MBA, is passionate about her family -

husband Vinh and their four sons, and for the ministry of

their family for God. She is an accountant at Adventist Media Support Services in

Riverside, California.

2. Children’s performances or programs should be a priority for the family. Children need to know that their parents support them and are proud of their accomplishments.c) Get Support – For healthy mental, spiritual and physical well-being, Pastoral Spouses need support as well! We were not designed to struggle alone through difficulty. Look for the many resources available to get help and support.1. Ministerial Spouse Associations - Spousal Groups in your area can be very uplifting and nurturing.2. Spiritual Mentors - Find another Pastoral Spouse to be a spiritual friend and supporter. Look for others that can provide spiritual guidance and that can relate with you.3. Marriage and Family Resources, Counseling, Seminars - Take advantage of the many resources available. Schedule time for learning and growth that can be applied to your daily life.

Make Efforts to Develop the Spiritual Growth of Your Children“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).a) Literature Evangelism - Youth who are involved in canvassing work greatly develop their spiritual life. Youth in programs such as Youth Rush, Youth for Jesus, etc. develop skills on how to share their faith,

how to witness in the community and how to give Bible studiesb) Children’s Programs - Attend conventions where there are other Pastor’s children with similar spiritual beliefs, who make similar healthful lifestyle choices, and where they can make lasting friendships.c) Christian Education - Quality Christian education is an incredibly positive influence on children in molding their character. Studies show the longer that children are in Christian education, the greater their achievement academically and spiritually.

Make Ministry Fun!Include the whole family in evangelism, visitation, and literature distribution, while taking time to do fun and enjoyable adventures with your children. a) Evangelism- As much as possible, include the family in ministry. The children can participate in music evangelism, cooking shows, evangelistic video clips, etc.b) Literature Distribution- In every road trip, make it a missionary and fun trip! Instill in the children the burden for souls. Pass out small witnessing tracts at gas stations, restaurants, hotels, while visiting National Parks, scenic attractions, etc.c) Visitation- Visit new members and their children as a family!“And let us not be weary in well-doing; for in due season we shall reap if we faint not” (Galatians 6:9).

“Workers for Christ are never to think, much less speak, of failure in their work. The Lord Jesus is our efficiency in all things; His Spirit is to be our inspiration; and as we place ourselves in His hands, to be channels of light, our means of doing good will never be exhausted. We may draw upon His fullness, and receive of that grace which has not limit,” (White, Ellen G., Gospel Workers, p. 19, Pacific Press, Nampa, ID, 1915).

Include the

whole family

in evangelism,

visitation,

and literature

distribution,

while taking

time to do fun

and enjoyable

adventures with

your children.

VideoIncluding Your Family in Ministry


The Value of Adventist Education

for Ministerial Families

You might ask, “Why is Adventist Education so important for families in ministry? I’m glad you asked! First of all it’s not just important for families in ministry, but it provides ALL families

the opportunity to stack the odds in their child’s favor for developing and maintaining a relationship with Christ, remaining in the church, and being ready to meet Christ in peace when He returns. Deuteronomy 6:5-7(NET) says, “You must love the Lord your God with your whole mind, your whole being, and all your strength. These words I am commanding you today must be kept in mind, and you must teach them to your children and speak of them as you sit in your house, as you walk along the road, as you lie down, and as you get up.” In other words, we are to keep Christ before our children. In most families today both parents work outside of the home. In order to follow the counsel given in this scripture, our children must be placed in an educational environment where this can happen. Our children spend more of their waking hours in school than at home. Therefore, it’s imperative as ministerial families that they’re in an environment that is reinforcing what we’re teaching in our home and preaching in our congregation. The next point is that the home, church and school are to work in partnership for the salvation of our children! They are like a 3-legged stool. If one of those legs breaks the stool is unstable. The church in which God has appointed you to as the leaders along with the school, are to be partners in ministry. Both exist to fulfill the gospel commission of making disciples. The Spirit of Prophecy in chapter four of the book “Education” says, “In the highest sense the work of education and the work of redemption are one, for in education, as in redemption, “other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ.” There have been countless families who’ve accepted Jesus as their personal Savior and have gone down into the watery grave of baptism because of Adventist Education. There are a growing number of pastoral families who are choosing public education or other non-SDA private

schools in which to educate their children. The number one question to be answered in this case is are they reinforcing the values and beliefs being taught in your home and in your congregation? They may be close but not 100%. Some of us have experienced some real challenges with the Adventist schools in which we’ve enrolled our children. There have been some legitimate concerns ranging from bullying, to subpar academics. The question has been raised, what do we do? We want to keep our children in Adventist Education, but what do we do when the challenges seem insurmountable? The first step is PRAYER! As the well stated in a favorite hymn, ‘Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pains we bear, all because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer.” The next step is communication. Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! Communicate with your child, with your child’s teacher, with the principal, and with the Superintendent if necessary. Hopefully you won’t need to go this far, but prayerfully present your case to the conference administration if necessary. Get involved at the school. Build a relationship with your child’s teacher and the administration of the school. Most often, if they see you involved and your concern, it will increase their awareness and sensitivity to the needs of your child. Hang in there and fight for the salvation of your children! This is not just about preparing them for this life but for the life to come. This is an eternal life versus an eternal death decision, and cannot be taken lightly! We are in a spiritual warfare! The enemy will not sit back and allow us to keep Jesus before our children without a fight. He will try to stop it from happening by any means necessary; whether from without or within our own ranks. In a war, there are going to be some battle scars, but we will come out victorious if we remain faithful. The battle is not ours it’s the Lords! If you’ve done all of the above, and believe that you’ve exhausted every solution, continue to pray and ask God to provide another way. He will! Other options are home schooling, and on-line education. There are Adventist

Build a

relationship

with your

child’s teacher

and the

administration

of the school.


NIRAT/ISTO

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Distance Learning Schools in our Division. In some cases there have been children with special needs in which most of our schools are not equipped to accommodate, but can have access to services provided in the local school district. As taxpayers in your community, you have rights to those services. Research and talk with your school administrator about options available. There were children in the local Adventist School where I once taught who received special services from the local school district. Some services provided were brought to the school and others were provided off-site at one of the nearby local schools, but were made available to our students through bussing. As a sixteen-year product of Adventist Education along with my two sisters; we faced challenges. One of the major challenges was prejudice and discrimination because of the color of our skin. My family, and other families from my church were denied entrance into the school in our hometown. This situation could have stopped my mom dead in her tracks. She could have sent us to the local public school located just down the street from our home. However, determined to obey the counsel and claim the promise found in Is. 54:13. She was determined by God’s grace to find a way to keep us in an Adventist learning environment. My older sister was sent to live with my aunt in the next town for her first and second grade year of school. My mom would go up and visit her on the weekends or go get her and bring her home for the weekend. The following year, my middle

sister started school and since two were in school, my mom decided to just make the drive back and forth daily. I was a young baby. She drove 80 miles round trip, rain, shine, sleet, and snow, and did domestic work during the day while my sisters were in school and I was cared for by my aunt, until school dismissed. Often times because we had old raggedy cars to travel in, we would breakdown before getting to our destination. This went on for an entire school year. The hometown church finally got a new pastor and she went to him and shared her experience of what she’d gone through for the past three years so her daughters could have an Adventist Christian Education. He was appalled and couldn’t believe that she had gone through all of that when there was an Adventist school right there in town they could attend. He had a long board meeting and it was decided that my family, along with other families of African descent from our church were granted permission to enroll in the local Adventist school the following year. I shared this because my mom had every reason to throw up her hands, give up, walk away, and say Lord I tried, but she didn’t. She knew and understood what was at stake! Her faith was tested and thank God, she passed the test! The three of us have a relationship with the Lord, married ministers, and continued the legacy by sending our children through Adventist Schools. There were challenges along the way, but God pulled us through. My hope and prayer for you is that you remain faithful to the counsel given in God’s word and the Spirit of Prophecy in regards to the education of your children.

Did you know that Adventist education:• Has the largest Protestant school system in the world!• Has been in operation since the 1870s• Encompasses over 7,800 schools in over 100 countries• Educates over 1.8 million student world-wide• Has in the past 10 years, in the NAD, experienced a net loss of 270 schools. This number reflects the schools closed down and opened during that time period.

Desiree Bryant holds a B.S. in Elementary Education from Oakwood University and a

M.A. in Teaching Reading from Western Michigan University.

She has served in various educational roles as teacher,

principal, conference associate director in the Education Department of the NAD.

If you’ve

done all of

the above,

and believe

that you’ve

exhausted

every solution,

continue

to pray and

ask God

to provide

another way.

70 71

A challenge common to many ministerial families is that of the “two drained wells.” The pastor who has unselfishly poured himself out in ministry throughout the day longs to come home to be

replenished. At the same time the spouse has also been working hard at his or her job —along with caring for children, making meals, helping with homework, ferrying children to classes and events, looking after the needs of church members, and in some situations, functioning very much as a single parent. The pastor may not arrive home until late in the evening, by which time the spouse may feel tired and resentful. At that point both spouses are running on empty and when they finally come together, both may be too hungry and drained to help the other. In that situation, whose needs are considered most important? Who gets hurt? And who goes “hungry”? Some spouses express that their pastor-spouses view their practical, emotional, relational, and spiritual needs—and those of their children—as ranking below the needs of other church members. Other spouses have expressed that they are overworked and need to say “no” but can’t because it would be like saying “no” to God. Some wives have felt very alone but are afraid of being judged as selfish and criticized if they talk about their painful experiences with others, or even with their spouses. These challenging beliefs and experiences can be very painful for members of the pastoral family – each striving to be valued, respected and cherished.

Forgiveness requires understanding If we hurriedly say “I forgive you” every time someone hurts us or “I’m sorry” every time we hurt someone else, then we are missing some ingredients of effective forgiveness. We can say the words quickly, like sticking a bandage on a cut. But this does not improve our understanding of each other, nor does it help us learn to do better next time. One of the obstacles to working through our hurt and forgiveness is that we often limit our view of the situation to our own perspective. If we have hurt someone we can become self-defensive. And if we have been hurt we can become absorbed in our own pain. What we need is to understand God’s perspective on the situation.

The four places of forgivenessThere are four places we need to go and reflect before we can thoughtfully ask for forgiveness or offer it to others: Forgiveness place #1: The heart of God Before we can understand how to respond to a painful situation, we need to spend time alone with God. We need to be still and listen to His love for us and our spouse. If you are the “hurter,” you need to remember how much God loves you and is willing to forgive you. You also need to understand that God hurts because your spouse hurts, and you caused that hurt. This is a vital part of the process because it helps you understand the spiritual significance of your actions. Jesus died so that you could be forgiven for the hurt you caused your loved one. Don’t rush through this place on the forgiveness journey. It’s the most important one because this is where you face the truth about your actions. If you have been hurt, you need to remember how much God loves you and how sad He is that you are hurting. You also need to see that God loves your spouse too, and He wants to use this experience to help you both understand more about His love and forgiveness. (See Psalm 103; 1 John 1:9; and 1 John 3:1-4:21.)

Forgiveness place #2: The other person’s shoes It’s important for each of you to understand what the other person is experiencing. If you are the “hurter,” you need to understand how much your actions have affected your spouse so you can fathom the depth of the forgiveness you need. This will help you avoid repeating the same mistake. If you have been hurt, it’s helpful to wonder why your spouse made the mistake so you can pray for them in a focused way. Does John need help exploring his priorities? Does he help others because he needs to feel valued? Does he need to understand that he may be hiding in his work to avoid closeness in his marriage? (See Matthew 21:12; Luke 6:37; Philippians 2:3-4; and 1 Peter 3:7-this could be about either spouse.)

The Four Places of Forgiveness

Some spouses

express that

their pastor-

spouses view

their practical,

emotional,

relational,

and spiritual

needs—and

those of their

children—as

ranking below

the needs of

other church

members.


VideoThe Impact of Adventist Education

on Ministerial Families


72 73

Forgiveness place #3: The relationship Each of you needs to ask yourself what your relationship most needs from you to help it heal. If you are not sure what to do or say, pray for wisdom and ask, “Will this help our relationship, or will it cause more pain?” (See 2 Corinthians 2:7, 8; Luke 6:27; Romans 12:10; Ephesians 4:31, 32; Ephesians 5:21-33; Colossians 3:12-15; James 5:16.)

Forgiveness place #4: The future This is often a place we forget to explore when we are working out how to help our hurting relationship. Think about your hopes for your marriage and the commitment you have made to cherish each other. What do you both need to do now to protect your relationship from future hurts? What plans can you make to help your marriage grow stronger and closer? If you are the “hurter,” what decisions can you make to ensure you do not hurt your loved one in the same way again? If you are the hurt person, how can you respond to your spouse in a way that will help you grow closer and not damage your future relationship? (See Romans 12:14, 17-20; Mark 11:25; Luke 17:3, 4; Isaiah 55:7.)

Care-filled conversations Care-filled conversations are calm, kind, clear, and hopeful. After spending prayerful time in the four places of forgiveness, Rachel could say, “When you chose to help Jason rather than spend my birthday with me, I was very sad and hurt because it felt as if I wasn’t very important to you. I felt lonely, abandoned, and disappointed. I need to know you value our relationship. Next time, could you please stop and ask me first before making choices that affect me? I am also wondering how we can take care of our relationship by making it more of a priority in our lives.” John could say, “I am so sorry, Rachel. I realize that I hurt you when I chose to help Jason rather than spend the day with you. I need to understand just how much my ministry choices hurt you at times. I was wrong. Please forgive me. What can I do differently in the future to show you how special you are to me?” The journey Some things are very hard to forgive, such as adultery, domestic violence, abuse, continuous neglect, betrayal, or being seriously shamed, bullied, or ridiculed. When we cause such deep wounds, we can expect healing to take a long time. If someone tripped you and

broke your leg, you might forgive the person immediately, but the fracture will still need six weeks to mend. Hurts, resentments, and grudges fracture the oneness that God wants us to experience in marriage. Forgiveness binds the relationship together again, like a plaster cast, so that our hurting hearts can be healed and become stronger than ever before.

Apologizing Once you fully understand the pain you have caused your spouse, it’s important to apologize. Pray that you will be able to do this well. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it helps put things right again. One example of a simple apology: “I am very sorry that I hurt you by [be specific]. I know that I caused you to feel [be specific]. It was very wrong of me, and I never want to do that again.” Other actions that might enhance the apology: • Giving the person a warm hug or other physical sign of apology if they are receptive to it. • Doing something thoughtful for the other person, such as buying flowers, sending a card, or giving a gift. • Fixing what you did wrong. It helps us feel better about ourselves when we are involved in mending what we have damaged. Ask yourself what else you can do to make sure you have offered a thoughtful apology to someone you have hurt. Accepting an apology When others have listened to your experience and understood your pain, pray that you will be able to accept their apology warmly. This will help mend the hurting relationship. Some ways to accept an apology: • Simply say, “Thank you for saying you’re sorry,” or, “What you did really hurt me because. . . . But I choose to forgive you because I want us to be friends again.” • Give the other person a warm hug or other physical sign of affectionate acceptance. • Invite the other person to help make things better, possibly by fixing the mess, mending the broken object, or doing something kind and helpful.



Click on Forgiveness Activity Resources for

more info on the topic of forgiveness.

If your house has similarities to ours, there are piles of brightly colored magazines like Martha Stewart’s Living, Better Homes and Gardens, and This Old House. They tell us how to make our homes more

beautiful, food more delicious, and how to impress guests when they come over. Some of my favorite television shows are HGTV, Food Network, and Create. I’m hooked on websites like AllRecipes.com where people can share their good ideas about entertaining. But when I step back, Martha Stewart and her cronies really haven’t come close to addressing what really matters when it comes to having an open home. I like to imagine what it would be like if Martha were to sit down with some of the Bible writers and debate with them about true hospitality. In Jewish thought, hospitality is rooted in the concept of the Almighty who “loves the sojourner” (e.g., Deut. 10:18), and in the story of the Israelites to whom God said, “You shall not wrong a sojourner or oppress him, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt” (Ex. 22:21).

Not only is hospitality a fundamental expression of Jewish faith, but hospitality also plays a part in the early Christian faith.1 Paul links the idea of “brotherly love” to “hospitality” in Romans 12:10-12. If hospitality is so central to Biblical faith, why do we struggle to express it today? Perhaps fear constricts our ability to express brotherly love. Many people put inviting people over right up there with public speaking as one of their biggest fears. And instead of calming our fears, the piles of home improvement magazines and trips to Home Depot only amplify them. Maybe we should stop and look our fears in the face. Top Five Fears Fear #5: We fear what people will think.“Will they think I’m a slob?” “Will they notice that I didn’t have time to clean the bathroom?” “Will they think I’m a bad cook?”

Hospitality: What I Didn’t Learn from Martha Stewart

“People will forget

what you did, but

people will never

forget how you

made them feel.”

- Maya Angelou


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74 75“Will they think I’m too cheap, lazy, or plain?” We’ve all had these thoughts—I know I have, but when I focus on this fear, this focus moves the spotlight to me instead of them. Then I can’t really get to know my guest, I can’t relax and enjoy the visit, and I forget what my goal really is: to love them into our family, to use our home to build God’s kingdom. Last Thanksgiving we had invited a random mix of people over to our house. After they left, it occurred to me that I hadn’t cleaned our powder room. For a minute I thought “Oh no—I wonder what they thought of me!” Then I chuckled as I remembered a poster I recently saw: Excuse our mess—we LIVE here. I hope they felt like they were in a normal home, with people who aren’t perfect, and who sometimes just don’t have time to get the toilets cleaned!

Fear #4: We fear it will take a lot of work. Working full time, volunteering at church and in the community, exercising, and doing household chores leaves little time for all the work it takes to entertain. Cleaning the house till it sparkles, cooking gourmet meals, and creating a fantastic centerpiece for the table all takes a whole lot of time. But wait a minute, is that really what people expect, and what we should expect of ourselves? I find that people seem to have the best time at our house when they’re sharing in the work. I love it when guests ask, “How can I help?” I ALWAYS find something for them to do, regardless of age or gender. If they don’t ask, I try to find some assignment for them so they can participate in the experience rather than just being an ‘observer’. Sometimes I hand them a broom, give them a head of lettuce to chop or have them set the table. That’s when they really invest themselves into the experience of being in our home. I’ve had countless guests thank me for trusting them enough to let them help. Food brings people together and so does the preparation of food. When I open our home with this mindset, it offsets the fear that I need to do all the work all by myself. Fear #3: We fear it will take a lot of money. When grocery costs climb faster than paychecks, cupboards don’t overflow with extra food. How can we afford to have company over if we barely have enough food for our own family? I’ve discovered some creative ways to eat and share our home while on a tight budget. I try to assign people part of meals such as pasta Primavera, baked potato bar, crepes, Sloppy Joes or hay stacks, which are all super inexpensive meals in which people can get involved. Some can bring the veggies, some the

salad or dessert, so no one is spending much money or doing a lot of work. The meal is more manageable and no one seems to mind. I’ve found that God seems to do just what He did many years ago on that hillside with the loaves and fishes—He works it out that we always have enough food, and we’ve never gone into debt because of our grocery bill. Sometimes, every serving dish is scraped clean, but everyone was fed. Opening our home doesn’t require wealth, but a willingness to be real with people. And this brings me to the next fear. Fear #2: We fear they’ll find out something bad about us. Guests who come to our house are free to look at our books in our bookcase, our pictures, our kitchen cabinets or our medicine cabinets. If there are offensive items in these places, it could be embarrassing or they could judge us. When we open our homes to people, we’re making ourselves completely vulnerable to them. I just expect that this will happen and place books in our bookcases that I’ve really enjoyed and would love to lend out. I put items in our powder room medicine closet that I suspect they may need: band- aids, Tylenol, dental floss, a little bag of feminine products. When we invite them in, we give them permission to know us, and we really don’t have any secrets. That’s where intimacy starts. My biggest hope? That they’ll find Jesus here—and take Him with them.

Fear #1: We fear they’ll never leave. What’s really exciting is when they don’t want to leave because they’re having such a great time. We find it exhilarating to see a group of random people who’ve never met before, find a common thread of commonality between them, and watch as they exchange contact information, promising to connect again. Or when they’re working as a team on building an incredible salad or try to figure out how to make crepes or doing an “assembly line” of moving wood up our 53 stairs from our forest floor. They create or accomplish something amazing! Together! We like to think that, in a way, they’ll never leave. We have an “art wall,” and ask our guests to do something—a picture, good words, their name, something that will remind us of them! Of course, since we treat our guests like family, when its bedtime, we go to bed and invite them to stay as late as they want, but we ask them to turn the lights out and lock the door when they leave. Martha Stewart is truly an amazing woman. She’s resilient, creative, courageous, but she has yet to experience the joy of biblical hospitality. I’m sure

When we open

our homes

to people,

we’re making

ourselves

completely

vulnerable to

them.

she’s missed out on some of the blessings we’ve experienced: the gift of watching our family “grow,” of using our home as a hub of influence or a place where our world can expand as we hear other life stories. But the very best thing about opening our old imperfect home is to be able to have “front-row” seats as people make decisions for God. Additional blessings that we’ve found in having a “landing pad” for people are: 1. Our family has grown. We’ve met people from all over the world, embraced them into our home, given them privilege and responsibilities. Some of the privileges of being in our family are love, acceptance, food, warmth, fellowship, support, and a listening ear. Responsibilities include setting the table, helping with food preparation, and even clean-up. 2. There are opportunities for influence when people are in our home. We’ve held worship teams on a regular basis, which enhanced our ability to lead the group to cohesiveness in pursuing our tall order of planning weekly worship services. When ‘trouble-makers’ are invited over for a meal, cold hearts soften. 3. There’s a chance to inspire others. One young physician, who spent Sabbath with us, was perplexed about how we ‘entertain.’ I explained to him my wacky philosophy, which made a lot of sense to him. He

recently approached me with a big smile saying that he and his wife have decided that they aren’t going to wait until they have their house decorated, remodeled, and perfectly clean—they’re going to start bringing people home now! The smile on his face made its way to my heart! 4. We had several couples over one Saturday night—and I told them all to bring their favorite aprons. Well, of course, the men thought I meant the women (but I had predicted that, so had picked up some $2.99 aprons at Ikea on sale), and put them on them when they came in the door. They grumbled a little as I gave out assignments: the men had to figure out how to cook crepes via some You Tube research while the women found a recipe (online) and got started. While the men were swirling the batter and flipping crepes, the women were making fillings (sweet and savory). When we sat down to eat, everyone RAVED about the food. You would think this group had never had decent food before! When they finally left, one of the gruffest men commented on how much fun he’d had! 5. Sometimes our guests get a chance to have a part in something BIG: We’ve watched guests support each other, pray for each other, participate in artwork for our home, shovel our elderly neighbors’ driveway, and even split wood for our wood stove.

Eileen Gemmell is a nurse practitioner, pastor’s wife, mother and grandmother. She’s opened her imperfect home to thousands of people over the years, and especially enjoys bringing

together strangers that soon become friends.

We’ve held worship teams on a regular basis, which enhanced

our ability to lead the group to cohesiveness in pursuing our

tall order of planning weekly worship services.

We’ve watched

guests support

each other, pray

for each other,

participate in

artwork for our

home, shovel our

elderly neighbors’

driveway, and even

split wood for our

wood stove.


76 77

VideosSweet Home


Befriending Clergy Spouses of Other

Faith Communities


The Mystery of Oneness


Flowers are beautiful creations of God. They come in a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes. They grace our homes and churches. They even show up on the job and are a part of many

important events—holidays, celebrations, funerals, baby blessings, weddings, birthday parties, etc. We cannot seem to do without them. However, they come with drawbacks, objectional features, and peculiar traits. Some roses have painful thorns, calla lilies turn brown and ugly after a few weeks, orchids are quirky about how much water they want, and bird of paradise plants are extremely fragile and territorial. But we still love flowers because of the aesthetic richness that they bring to our lives despite the issues we must deal with to enjoy them. Our church members are like flowers. They are the most beautiful creations of God with various characteristics and inescapable needs. Just think—what would our churches be like if we did not have the diversity, distinctiveness, and originality of our members that make up the very essence of our churches. We love church members and want them around, but we shy away from their difficulties and the effort we must put forth to live with them peaceably. We must strive for peace with one another—a mandate from God’s word (Mark 9:50). Establishing positive relationships with church members can prove to be challenging at the very least. However, a ministerial spouse entering a new church environment may find it invitingly provocative to meet the challenge. As a preacher’s kid (PK) who had a wonderful example of a ministerial spouse, my mother, and as a pastoral spouse myself, I have learned a few things about establishing and maintaining positive

relationships with church members. No matter where our members are on the spectrum, they have basic needs and expectations (though many times those expectations are unrealistic). If the truth be told, our needs are the same as theirs. We were members before we became ministerial spouses. In this short attempt to give some practical suggestions to ponder, we will look at a few areas that may prove to be helpful in our desire to “just get along” in the place where God has assigned us.

Three things to understand In my interactions with church members, the Holy Spirit has brought to my attention three important factors that are essential to understanding how to develop healthy, positive relationships: 1. Church members are fallible human beings who need constant forgiveness as they attempt to follow God’s command to work out their own salvation (Phil. 2:12). They may believe that the blood of Christ has cleansed their sins and secured their eternal life, but retraining the human nature is another story. Members must exercise determination, diligence, and perseverance which takes time and patience. This is the struggle that is visible in forms of mistakes and failings. Oswald Chambers stated in his classic devotional, My Utmost for His Highest*, “No man is born either naturally or supernaturally with character, he has to make it.” We can trust God to do His will in the lives of every member we interact with. 2. Church members desire fellowship. We know this to be true because they take the time to come to church each week seeking God’s word, participating and associating with other believers, and receiving comfort and care from each other. Koinonia-

Developing Positive Relationships with Members

Our church

members are

like flowers.

They are the

most beautiful

creations

of God

with various

characteristics

and inescapable

needs.


Eileen Gemmell

Debra Anderson interviewed by Paula Johnson

Willie & Elaine Oliver interviewed by Mike and Gayle Tucker

Permission granted to use by Mad About Marriage, Lifestyle Magazine

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companionship, and an experience of community in a unified body-is a necessity for our members. 3. Church members require church to be a safe place. They want to believe that their sensitive and painful issues can be kept in trust and confidentiality. They do not want to sign any confidentiality documents or such, but at times they simply need a catharsis that only requires a listening ear and a closed mouth. No human judgments necessary and no criticism allowed.

Positive relationships In light of church members’ needs and our call to ministry as ministerial spouses, it is appropriate to say that we need each other. Church relationships should depict interactions filled with encouragement and support (Heb. 10:14-25). We should find ourselves in prayer and study together. Playing and socializing together is also necessary. Honest dialogue and balanced collaboration should be our best commodities. Making the community a priority and sharing in giving service to others will help make a complete picture of what God’s house should look and feel like. Let us explore the qualities God has given us to become effective relationship builders. • Authenticity – Members will be naturally drawn to us when we are authentic. Knowing and understanding our strengths and weakness can translate into strong leadership. Authenticity gives us confidence and the freedom to interact with fellow members within the realm of our God-given purpose. It gives us the ability to consider the ideas and feelings of others. We will find ourselves focusing on possibilities and opportunities for relationship-building. It helps us realize we may lose some battles but ultimately win the war. The quality of authenticity helps us become relationship oriented, reflective, and transparent. It will help members to trust us and be more likely to follow our leadership. • Vulnerability – Vulnerability is a characteristic that comes straight out of Calvary’s playbook. Being willing to give even when it hurts is a risk that comes with relationship-building. Christ was willing to lay down His

life for mankind. He died so that we could establish a relationship with the Father. In the same manner, we die for our church members/friends (1John 3:16). Not physically, but we die to criticism, negative attitudes, unrealistic expectations, superiority, and judgment to bring our church relationships in harmony with heaven’s principles. Vulnerability puts us on the same level as our members. It helps them see our humanity and realize we are like them. • Genuine Kindness - There is something magical about genuine kindness—being friendly, generous, and considerate without ulterior motives. We all know that it represents the indwelling of the Holy Spirit that makes us sensitive to others’ needs. When members sense we care about them, they will begin to trust us and know we are reliable friends. God has equipped us to build and develop positive, harmonic relationships in the churches we serve. Determination and diligence will be our taskmasters to keep us focused and relationship driven. Remember, we are never alone in this endeavor (Heb. 13:5). Let us keep Christ in our view and never forget to adhere to the Matthew 11:28 call for the answer to all our questions, frustrations, and confusion in working with His people. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest” (NLT).

*Oswald Chambers, “Get A Move On” in My Utmost for His Highest (New York: Dodd, Mead & Co., 1935), June 15 reading.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS: 1. What practical steps can I take to make church members feel safe in confiding in me? 2. How can we be non-judgmental when dealing with church members that may be promoting opposite agendas? 3. How should I react when a church member shares rumors/information about another member? 4. A pastoral family is often viewed by the church members as being somewhat exemplary. Is it possible to be too vulnerable? If so what and how much should I share with church members?

Paula K. Brown is an educator, pastor’s wife, certified educational mentor/coach, and the president and co-founder of PEB Ministry, a non-profit

organization serving troubled youth.

Let us explore

the qualities

God has given

us to become

effective

relationship

builders.

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[email protected]

Conference/Mission/Union_________________________________________

ContactPerson____________________________Phone_____________Email__________________________

NameofProject:_____________________________________City___________________State____________

ProjectManager:_______________________Email_____________________Phone(cell)_________________

a)b)c)Sharebrieflyhowyouplantoaccomplishtheobjectivesforthisministry:a)Planning:alignmentandcollaborationwithyourunionorconference/missionministerialspouse(MS)team,administration,ministerialdepartmentandotherdepartmentalstaffb)Preparation:identifying/assessingtheneedsofthetargetgrouporarea

c)Assessmentofparticipants’expertiseandresourcesandmatchingthiswiththeneedsofthetargetgroupd)Orientationortrainingofparticipantsfortheproject/ministrye)Implementation:plannedcommunityoutreach,reclamation,orproclamationevangelism,etc.

NorthAmericaDivision..........................$1,000LocalConference/MissionorUnion**...............$____Other(?).......................................$____

2.DescriptionofProject

1.Applicantinformation

3.OverallObjectives

5.FinancialPlan

NAD Ministerial Spouses’ Hope & Compassion Evangelism

$1,000 per NAD conference / mission and union per year

4.ActionPlans

ENADSponsoredCompassion/EvangelismUnionProjectsBegunin2016,theNADMinisterialSpousesAssociationwillannuallyinvestupto$10,000inoneortwoprojectsproposedbyunionministerialspouseleaders,withtheinvolvementofatleastoneconferenceministerialspouseleaderinthatunionandwillinvitetheparticipationofmanyministerialspouseswithintheunionorbeyond(alongwiththechurchmembersinthevicinityoftheproject).Theunionministerialspouseleaderwillsubmit,preferablysixmonthspriortothesuggesteddateoftheeventorbeginningofaministry,theprojectproposalincludingaprojectcoordinatorandanestimatedbudgetplanthathasbeenagreedonbythepartneringconference(s).2016Projects:

Ø April16&17–FlintWaterDistribution–inFlint,Michigan(LakeRegionandMichiganConferences)inpartnershipwithtwoFlintchurches:FairhavenSeventh-dayAdventistChurchandEternalLifeSeventh-dayAdventistChurch.10,000bottlesofwater,thousandsofbabyandadultwipesandhundredsofprayercardsweredistributedplusneedsurveysweredonebyapproximately20ministerialspouses,sixpastorsandfourpastors’childrencomingfrom3unionsandfourconferences.(NADMinisterialDepartmentinvested$11,400plusanadditional$1000inafollow-upFairhavenChurchKids’HealthFairsinitiative.)

Ø April27-29–YourBestPathwaystoHealthRefugeeSupport-LosAngeles,California(inpartnershipwithSouthernCaliforniaConferenceandNADAdventistRefugee/ImmigrantMinistries)CongregationssupportingrefugeegroupsintheLAvicinitywereincentivizedtoinviterefugeestoaccessservicesattheAprilPathwayseventandtoprovidetranslatorsandothervolunteersfortheeventaswellastonurtureongoingredemptivefriendshipswiththoserefugeesvisitorswhoparticipate.PastorVinhandCynthiaNguyencoordinatedthisoutreachto16languagegroupsandtheirteamorganizedtheapproximate600translatorsparticipating.Aswell,ministerialspouseswereinvitedtovolunteeratthisevent.https://vimeo.com/164869765#t=1763s(NADMinisterialDepartmentinvested$10,600andNADAdventistRefugee/ImmigrantMinistriesinvested$10,000.)FormoreinformationcontactDonnaJacksonatDonnaJackson@nadadventist.org

2017Projects

Ø Aug19&20–KidsCommunityHealthFair–Washington,Georgia(inpartnershipwithSouthCentralConference,SouthernUnionConferenceandNADMinisterialDept)AboutsixchurchesparticipatedinstaffingahealthfairforkidsfeaturingtheeightstationsofKidsCREATIONHealthheldinacommunitycenterinthesmallcommunityofWashington,Georgia.Over100childrenparticipatedandreceivedbackpacksforschool.

Ø Sept8-10–HearTheirVoicesAnti-Trafficking–KansasCity,KansasinpartnershipwiththeMid-AmericaUnionConference,CentralStatesConference,Kansas-NebraskaConference,Iowa-MissouriConference,RockyMountainConferencepluscongregationswithinKansasCity.Thefourprongprojectinvolveda)Sabathafternoondoor-to-doorliteraturedistributiononanti-trafficking,b)aSaturdaynightprograminacivicauditoriumfeaturingmusicandspeechesbyoutstandinglawyersandthefounderofalocalorganizationthattargetedtraffickedwomenc)aSundayoutdoorexpofeaturingabout12stationsandkidsactivitiesplusspeechesd)fundraisingviaawebsitethatwecreatedandthroughouttheweek-endforVeronica’sVoice–whichrunsatransitionhomeforthoseexitingthelife-style.(NADMinisterialDeptinvestedabout$13,000andNADWomen’sMinistriesdonated$1,000;theunionandconferencesalsoinvestedalargeamountandmuchhelpfromvariousdepartmentaldirectors.)

**Ministryspouseleadersareencouragedtorequestamatchofsomepercentage(ifneeded)fromtheirlocaladministrationbutpleasenotethatthegrantfromtheNADisnotconditionalonamatch.Aswell,participatingministerialspousescoulddofundraisingintheirlocalcongregations.

GRANTGUIDELINESAPurposeofgrant:Toprovideseedmoney,ideas,andopportunitiesforministerialspouses(MS)todemonstrate,withintheNorthAmericanDivision,thecompassionandloveofJesustothecommunityandtogrowHiskingdom.BCriteriaandfeatures:1.Thegrantistobespentonoutreachworktargetingthecommunity–notonnurturingmembers.2.Unionorconferenceormissionministerialspouseleaderswilldecide,withtheirMSteams,whointheirterritorywillreceivethegrant.ConferenceandunionMSleadersmaydividethegrant-pluswhatevermatchingamountisgivenbytheirconferenceorunion,amonguptofourpastors’spouseswhoarethefirsttoapplyortospenditontrainingpastors’spousesonoutreachministryorbypurchasingoutreachresourcestobeloanedouttopastors’spousesforministry.2.Eachconference/missionandunionleaderwillapplydirectlytotheNADMinisterialDepartment(throughtheNADMinisterialSpouseLeader)forthegrantmoneyandwhentheapplicationisaccepted,the$1000grantwillbesenttothetreasuryoftheMSleader’sconference,missionorunion.3.Valuesthatareencouragedare:*collaboration*communityengagement*discipleship*sustainabilityofministry.4.Ashortwrittenreportwithpicturesorvideoisrequestedattheendoftheyearorcompletionoftheproject.CMinistriestoconsider(wewelcomeyourideas!)

ü Afterschooltutoringü Caretaker’sministry(singlemom’s,parents’timeout)ü Children’sministryü Compassionministry–eg:GodinShoes,toabused,refugees,foodinsecure,familiesofprisoners,

homeless,humantrafficking,waterinsecure(Flintwatercrisis)ü Evangelism(publicproclamation)andBiblestudiesü Familyfocusedministryü Healthfocusedministryeg.CREATIONHealth,BestPathwaystoHealthü Prayerministries–eg:Mayor’sPrayerBreakfast,HOPE(HousesofPrayerEverywhere)Healsü Reclamationofformermembersü Recoveryministriesforthegrieving,divorcedandaddictedü Refugeeoutreach

DResourcestoconsider(amongmany):

ü CREATIONHealth(FloridaHospital)ü HomesofHope&HealthbyJohn,Millie&WesYoungberg(AdventSource)ü Help!I’maParentbyPamela&ClaudioConsuegra(AdventSource,ABC)ü Jesus:WhoisHe?byJohnandMillieYoungberg(AdventSource,ABC)ü NewBeginnings(evangelismPPinmanylanguages)(CheckwithASI)ü BreakfastwiththeMayorbyDonJacobsen(ABC)ü Recoveryministryresourcessuchas:JourneytoWholeness(AdventSource),GriefShareand

DivorceCare-foradultsandchildren(ChurchInitiatives)ü TracingtheFootstepsofJesusbyTonyMoore(ABC)ü TruthforYouth-in5languages(YoungDiscipleStore)ü WelcometotheFamilybyClaudioConsuegra(AdventSource)

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with all your heart

Mark 12:30-31 (New International Version)

God

T H E R E I S N O C O M M A N D M E N T G R E A T E R T H A N T H E S E .

‘‘Love the Lord your ‘‘

and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.

T H E S E C O N D I S T H I S : ‘‘

‘‘

Love your neighbor as yourself.

E D I T I O N 1

ministerial spouses 101 - amazon s3 · creative conflicts for caring couples (article + video ......

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