mindfulness for working mothers - pause for...

Mindfulness for Working Mothers

Simple practices for a worry-free life at work and home.

Written by

Aarathi Selvan MA., Ed.M, NCC(USA),MPhil(India)

www.pauseforperspective.com

©Copyright 2015 Aarathi Selvan Published by Aarathi Selvan. Distributed worldwide by pauseforperspective.com This work remains protected by Copyright and must not be sold in digital or printed form. For more ways to connect as a family and live more intentionally, please visit the author’s website at

http://www.pauseforperspective.com

http://www.pauseforperspective.co/


Acknowledgement

Thank you mamisa and appisa for being there every step of the way. For teaching me about

myself and for the gift of your patience and love. This book is dedicated to you both.

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Contents

1. Is this Eguide for you? .............................................................................. 3

2. Introduction…………………………………………………………………4 3. Make a decision and know that the decision is yours…..5 4. Establish a routine that becomes second nature to you

before you start work…………………………………………………...8 5. Feel those feelings………………………………………………………10 6. Leave work at work and home at home………………………13

7. Practice, Practice! ...................................................................................... 15

8. Who am I? ........................................................................................................ 16

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Is this Eguide for you?

Do you feel torn about going back to work after having a baby?

Do you experience opposing views about being a stay-at-home mother or

a working woman and don’t know what the right answer is for you?

Do you feel like you will be doused by emotions of separation when you leave for

work and hence are afraid of going back?

Have you started back at work but feel something’s amiss?

Do you struggle with balancing work and home?

Do you sometimes feel overcome by emotions of not doing enough at home or

at work?

If you answered YES to one or more of these questions, this Eguide is for you. In this

Eguide we will explore ways to combat feelings of anxiety and worry that are so

innately tied with going to work after becoming a mother. We will explore the many

ways to stay grounded and open to experiences of this new stage of womanhood.

You can embrace both being a mother and a working women. Yes, you can go back to

work fearlessly. Read on, to find out how.

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Introduction

“You are reborn every morning, what you do today is what matters most”-Buddha. Many women all over the world are going back to work after they give birth to their

baby. Perhaps in three months, a year or five years, but they do go back, and for a

variety of reasons- to pursue passion, livelihood, freedom, independence, income and so

forth.

While the decision to go back to work is often thought through, the sense of guilt, of

not doing enough for our children, of wanting to be present fully at work and home

pervades our thoughts. We are consumed by our work only to regret going back home

late, we are consumed by home chores and baby dealings only to feel frustration

towards those we love and cherish.

What is that one thing that will help put all of these emotions, thoughts and body states

(of anxiety, sickness, stress) into perspective in order to help us function more

optimally? Mindfulness.

Here are some simple steps to begin a life of mindfulness in order to parent better, live

better and be more fully present at work and at home. Yes, it is possible and it is all in

YOUR hands.

Let’s start our journey then, shall we?

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1

Make a decision and know that the decision is yours

If you haven’t already gone back to work, but are at a place where you are considering

your options, take your time through this process. One thing is for sure, there is no right

answer. You may want to go back to work because you have to get the money to stay

afloat, or you may be itching to go back to doing what you love most, or you may be

feeling a bit of both. Whatever the reason, there is no harm in trying it out, going back

to work with a baby in tow, that is.

Here are some things that help along the goal of going back to work:

It helps to know at least two weeks in advance, who will take care of your

baby while you are at work.

It helps if you can get support, either from husband or hired help or family, to

be your support around home, to share your chores, to help you get ready for

work day, to be a co-carer for the baby.

It helps to have a medical practitioner who you have a good relationship

with, someone you can call in case you are feeling anxious about your child’s

health when she falls sick.

It helps to have emotional support too. Someone or a group of people who

support you, cheer lead you along the way, and also give you valuable

advice when you seem to go off track-it could be anyone- parents, friends,

husband, therapist, relative, neighbour, etc.

It helps to go back to work you were looking forwarding to soaking up.

Most of all, know that the first month will be difficult. Of course! It will be hard

to go to work leaving your baby at home/day care but wait it out and partake in

activities mentioned below to accept and recover from this emotional turmoil

(yes it feels like turmoil, albeit brief). You will feel better soon.

Remember, this list is neither comprehensive nor mandatory for you to feel confident

about going back to do work. Nonetheless, you will need to own up to your decision and

take full responsibility for it. This is not to scare you away from taking the decision that

could impact your family, anything but. Responsibility comes from freedom. When you

have the freedom to decide the course of your life, there is a high likelihood that you are

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www.pauseforperspective.com more responsible for it. So instead of blaming it on someone else or your life’s situation,

accept your decision with utmost love and gratitude. This is your path for the now.

POINTS TO CONSIDER

It helps to give some time before you make the decision of going back to work after your baby is born. Don’t make a decision when you are overwhelmed. (You can spend that time getting to know your baby and the “new you” better.)

There is no one right answer for everyone. Also, no one can decide for you whether

going to work or staying at home is your path to happiness. You might know straight

off the bat what your path is. If not, you can always try both out for a good period of

time before you settle in.

Rather than blaming your decision on circumstances or people, own up to them as yours-that is the only way to stay sane and mindful about the actions that you take on a daily basis.

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2

Establish a routine that becomes second nature to you

before you start work

Now, you can’t really structure your days in anticipation of how it might look when you

go back to work. However, what you can do is establish daily practices of (self-care)

beginning the day, staying open for play with your child, for cooking a delicious meal,

of practicing self-care, of pursuing your passions.

To have these practises become second nature to you helps when you start work. Often

when we get busy we neglect self-care, or pursuing a hobby we love, cooking or even

playing with our child. If you establish a routine of pursuing self-care months before you

start work, this habit will kick in at busy times to help you stay grounded, focussed and

mindful about your priorities.

Here are something’s that help:

Practice waking early preferably an hour before the rest of the household. This

is your “Me” time. A time that you can spend in the calm and quiet of a silent

morning, doing things that set you in the right frame of mind for the day.

This can be anything from practicing yoga, meditation, running, writing, praying,

painting or reading an inspirational book. The choice is yours. This is your time

and yours only to connect with yourself, your day, your scared source of strength

and passion.

Schedule, perhaps in your planner, all your self-care practices that help you

relax, feel good and look good. The idea is to feel energetic, loved, nourished,

relaxed and stress-free. Going to the parlour to get a pedicure or a massage can

be a part of this to-do list. Brushing your hair before you leave to work might be

something that you need to be reminded about (with a baby around, anything is

possible).

I, for instance, schedule self-care routines that I would like to pursue every day.

It helps me do it come hail or storm and it helps me focus on caring for me. I

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write up on my wall-planner (a large chalkboard wall) routines such as washing

my hair thrice a week, going to the parlor, applying moisturiser twice a day,

keeping next day’s work clothes out at night. These might be really simple things

but I often find that, unfortunately, they are the first to go when I am stressed

(leading to more stress, clearly). Putting them up on my planner lets me know

that there is time for everything and everyone. That nothing is as pressing as the

mind makes it out to be.

POINTS TO CONSIDER

It is important to carve out a “me” time that helps you focus and start the day.

To-do lists about self-care that includes practices of grounding, awareness,

stress-busting, relaxing, following your passion is more important to put on

your calendar than to-do lists about tasks that need to be done around home

or at work.

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3

Feel those feelings

Be honest with how you feel. The gift of motherhood is also a gift of awareness. With

becoming a mother, you may become deeply connected to feelings of unconditional

love, compassion, patience, gratitude and deep respect.

You will also come in close contact with deep sadness, loneliness, grief, guilt, jealousy,

pain, fear, and anxiety. Be honest with whatever feelings arrive at your doorstep. We

often demand from ourselves to feel good. We feel anxiety when we don’t feel all that

good. We often question our sanity in our moments of darkness. However, there is no

why. There never is a perfect answer for any ‘why’. So instead of getting hooked onto

these feeling states let them wash over you, watch them come and go without becoming

a victim.

Here are some ways that help:

Journal your feelings: I do this ALL the time. Recently I had become consumed

by jealousy and guilt about my one year old baby girl’s behaviour. For all of the

month of October she had become pro-daddy (for me this read anti-mamma).

She didn’t want to go anywhere without her dad. She wanted him no matter

where I was. It felt like she preferred her daddy over me. And what turmoil I put

myself through! I felt she didn’t love me, I felt I wasn’t doing enough and that’s

why she chose her dad over me. I journaled about these feelings in an honest

way. Not to find out reasons and causes for these feelings but to just look at

them straight in the eye. Eventually I realised the self-centric nature of these

feeling which moved through me. I was able to acknowledge a sense of under

appreciation for myself.

While this may seem a bit too intense and perhaps not too logical, that’s what

emotions are. They are NOT logical. In fact, emotions are activated by different

brain- regions than logic. So don’t fret about the acceptability of what you are

feeling. Be honest with it without acting out (and hurting yourself and others)

and it will pass through you. It will.

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Sit with your feelings: A great way to be honest with your feelings without

acting out on them is to sit with them. In meditation, that is. There are several

kinds of meditation practices. The practice of focusing on the breath is one of the

most powerful one’s. Sitting on a flat surface-a mat or the couch, all you have to

do is watch the breath as it happens. To start with it is great to sit for as little as

five minutes, increasing it as you progress in your practice. Another Buddhist

practice of loving kindness is one of the most potent forms of meditation

practice to open your heart, become compassionate and loving.

Focus on the present moment: if your feelings seem to overwhelm you while

you are at a task then bring yourself to the present moment of doing the task.

Over and over again bring your awareness to the task at hand. If you feel that

your feelings seem to find its way into action-an act that might be destructive

then walk away. Focus on something that needs doing (in case you cannot just

“sit” with them). Go do the dishes, and pay attention to you how your hands

move. Load the washing machine and become aware of your body’s

movements. Chose an activity and stay with it, completely.

Write a gratitude journal: emotions and feelings can often sweep us off the

floor. It is important to stay grounded in the face of difficulty. One wonderful

way to do this is to start a gratitude journal. Write about three things every day

that you are grateful for. If you are struggling with self-acceptance, with feeling

not good enough write a gratitude journal thanking yourself for all the

wonderful things you do for yourself and others.

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POINTS TO CONSIDER

Feelings and emotion states always vacillate, and that is ok. In order to overcome a negative feeling, feel it completely rather than pushing it away.

o Journal: Write about your overwhelming emotions, at the time of feeling it or

at the end of the day. Write about it as you felt it, rather than trying to

scrutinize it, beat yourself about feeling that way, or trying to find out why you

felt that way. Towards the end of your journaling, take a moment to breathe in

space into the feelings you wrote about. Perhaps you can end with “may I allow

space around my feelings of ___________” This helps with accepting all parts of

who you are.

o Practice sitting meditation

o Take yourself out of the situation that is causing your emotions to become overwhelming and focus on a task fully-this is meditation in movement.

o Journal Gratitude: Three things you are thankful for today? Three things you are thankful for about yourself?

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4

Leave your work at work and your home at home

If you have a kid (especially a toddler) you can appreciate how leaving work at work

is something that comes naturally. However, what I am asking you to do is to stay fully

present wherever you are. If you are able to appreciate that you are of value at both

work and at home, you will naturally be able stay present wherever you are. If you are

feeling underappreciated at either places you will need to relook at your priorities

and perhaps shift things around to feel better about yourself.

Things that help:

It helps to work in an area or field that you are passionate about. If you

already are, then learn to look at the irksome aspects of work and pour some

love into those areas. Irksome aspects of work say something about us. Is

that area of work challenging and hence irksome? Can you look at difficult

parts of work through a different lens? Can you change the way you work?

If you feel poorly about yourself either at work or home, explore where

that feeling comes from. Skills can be easily learnt in order to be good at what

you do, however, if you have a low sense of self, or feel you cannot be self-

accepting or are too hard on yourself learn to explore those feelings as

mentioned in the “feel those feelings” section.

Play with your baby. This is such a wonderful aspect of coming home for me.

Play can be anything ranging from letting your little one lead you into play that

she is already involved in as you walk in the door, or it can be something more

specific like painting or colouring or signing and so forth. It helps to be creative

about the fun things that you can do with your children, be it watching a movie

and discussing about gender issues or letting her open your accessory cabinet

and having her name everything she dresses up with. The idea is not just to

teach while you play but to also wind down and cuddle and love. Do more love

today!

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POINTS TO CONSIDER

Can you show some love and gratitude towards aspects/areas that challenge you, make

your procrastinate and loathe work? Can you slowly thaw into this resistance? Build

love and compassion for yourself and the work you do in order to overcome work

stress.

Play with your baby. Be all there, where ever you are. If you are with your baby, let go

of the need to control her play, join her and share in the love you both have, then if you

want encourage and invite her to play that you want to tag along. Do more LOVE today!

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5

Practice, Practice!

When you are able to own up to your responsibilities while at the same time take care of

yourself-your body, your emotions and your soul you will begin to appreciate the innate

willingness that springs forth, to be there fully wherever you are-at home, at work or on

a holiday. Of course, it is a process, a practice, with ups-downs and wonderful gifts along

the way. So every time you find you are faltering come back to you centre, to a place of

practicing one or more of these invaluable pointers, over and over again.

POINTS TO CONSIDER

You will fall but you will also rise. So please practice.

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Who am I?

My name is Aarathi. I am National Certified Counselor with a dual masters in

Psychological Counseling from Columbia University, USA. I have license to practice

as a Clinical Psychologist in India. In my years of work with parents and families I

have come to appreciate how important tools of mindfulness is in parenting better

and living a more full life.

When I became a mother, these tools became invaluable for me, in order to not just

stay afloat as a new mom but also to love and cherish each moment of motherhood.

I am currently working/studying fulltime which makes life sway between immense

stress and complete calm. Staying mindful has helped me tremendously through

this tug and pull that can be the life of a working mother.

The tools that I use have become my anchors in this chaotic life and in sharing them

with other working mothers it is my hope that you find your piece of sanity and love

in that crazy schedule of yours through these ways too.

Please let me know if you have questions or have insights you would like to share

with me on how you live a mindful life as a working mother. Thank you for

downloading this eguide! I look forward to hearing from you. You can also make

an appointment for a one-on-one counselling session over at my website.

Love and gratitude, Aarathi Selvan M.A., Ed.M., NCC (USA), MPhil. Licensed Psychotherapist, Mindfulness Guide & Contemplative Artist India. +91 9490708947 Website: www.pauseforperspective.com

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