forthearms

thatholdme

myheartwokemecryinglastnighthowcanihelpibegged

myheartsaidwritethebook

contents

thehurting

theloving

thebreaking

thehealing

aletteraboutthewriteraboutthebook

howisitsoeasyforyoutobekindtopeopleheasked

milkandhoneydrippedfrommylipsasianswered

causepeoplehavenotbeenkindtome

thefirstboythatkissedmeheldmyshouldersdownlikethehandlebarsofthefirstbicycleheeverrodeiwasfive

hehadthesmellofstarvationonhislipswhichhepickedupfromhisfatherfeastingonhismotherat4a.m.

hewasthefirstboytoteachmemybodywasforgivingtothosethatwantedthatishouldfeelanythinglessthanwhole

andmygoddidifeelasemptyashismotherat4:25a.m.

itisyourbloodinmyveinstellmehowi’msupposedtoforget

thetherapistplacesthedollinfrontofyouitisthesizeofgirlsyourunclesliketouching

pointtowherehishandswere

youpointtothespotbetweenitslegstheonehefingeredoutofyoulikeaconfession

how’reyoufeeling

youpullthelumpinyourthroatoutwithyourteethandsayfinenumbreally

-midweeksessions

hewassupposedtobethefirstmaleloveofyourlifeyoustillsearchforhimeverywhere

-father

youweresoafraidofmyvoiceidecidedtobeafraidofittoo

shewasaroseinthehandsofthosewhohadnointentionofkeepingher

everytimeyoutellyourdaughteryouyellatheroutofloveyouteachhertoconfuseangerwithkindnesswhichseemslikeagoodideatillshegrowsuptotrustmenwhohurthercausetheylooksomuchlikeyou

-tofatherswithdaughters

i’vehadsexshesaidbutidon’tknowwhatmakinglovefeelslike

ifiknewwhatsafetylookedlikeiwouldhavespentlesstimefallingintoarmsthatwerenot

sextakestheconsentoftwoifonepersonislyingtherenotdoinganythingcausetheyarenotreadyornotinthemoodorsimplydon’twanttoyettheotherishavingsexwiththeirbodyit’snotloveitisrape

theideathatwearesocapableoflovebutstillchoosetobetoxic

thereisnobiggerillusionintheworldthantheideathatawomanwillbringdishonorintoahomeifshetriestokeepherheartandherbodysafe

youpinnedmylegstothegroundwithyourfeetanddemandedistandup

therapewilltearyouinhalf

butitwillnotendyou

youhavesadnesslivinginplacessadnessshouldn’tlive

adaughtershouldnothavetobegherfatherforarelationship

tryingtoconvincemyselfiamallowedtotakeupspaceislikewritingwithmylefthandwheniwasborntousemyright

-theideaofshrinkingishereditary

youtellmetoquietdowncausemyopinionsmakemelessbeautifulbutiwasnotmadewithafireinmybellysoicouldbeputoutiwasnotmadewithalightnessonmytonguesoicouldbeeasytoswallowiwasmadeheavyhalfbladeandhalfsilkdifficulttoforgetandnoteasyforthemindtofollow

hegutsherwithhisfingerslikehe’sscrapingtheinsideofacantaloupeclean

yourmotherisinthehabitofofferingmorelovethanyoucancarry

yourfatherisabsent

youareawartheborderbetweentwocountriesthecollateraldamagetheparadoxthatjoinsthetwobutalsosplitsthemapart

emptyingoutofmymother’sbellywasmyfirstactofdisappearancelearningtoshrinkforafamilywholikestheirdaughtersinvisiblewasthesecondtheartofbeingemptyissimplebelievethemwhentheysayyouarenothingrepeatittoyourselflikeawishiamnothingiamnothingiamnothingsooftentheonlyreasonyouknowyou’restillaliveisfromtheheavingofyourchest

-theartofbeingempty

youlookjustlikeyourmother

iguessidocarryhertendernesswell

youbothhavethesameeyes

causewearebothexhausted

andthehands

wesharethesamewiltingfingers

butthatrageyourmotherdoesn’twearthatanger

you’rerightthisrageistheonethingigetfrommyfather

(homagetowarsanshire’sinheritance)

whenmymotheropenshermouthtohaveaconversationatdinnermyfathershovesthewordhushbetweenherlipsandtellshertoneverspeakwithhermouthfullthisishowthewomeninmyfamilylearnedtolivewiththeirmouthsclosed

ourkneespriedopenbycousinsandunclesandmenourbodiestouchedbyallthewrongpeoplethateveninabedfullofsafetyweareafraid

father.youalwayscalltosaynothinginparticular.youaskwhati’mdoingorwhereiamandwhenthesilencestretcheslikealifetimebetweenusiscrambletofindquestionstokeeptheconversationgoing.whatilongtosaymostis.iunderstandthisworldbrokeyou.ithasbeensohardonyourfeet.idon’tblameyoufornotknowinghowtoremainsoftwithme.sometimesistayupthinkingofalltheplacesyouarehurtingwhichyou’llnevercaretomention.icomefromthesameachingblood.fromthesamebonesodesperateforattentionicollapseinonmyself.iamyourdaughter.iknowthesmalltalkistheonlywayyouknowhowtotellmeyouloveme.causeitistheonlywayiknowhowtotellyou.

youploughintomewithtwofingersandiammostlyshocked.itfeelslikerubberagainstanopenwound.idonotlikeit.youbeginpushingfasterandfaster.butifeelnothing.yousearchmyfaceforareactionsoibeginactinglikethenakedwomeninthevideosyouwatchwhenyouthinknoone’slooking.iimitatetheirmoans.hollowandhungry.youaskifitfeelsgoodandisayyessoquicklyitsoundsrehearsed.buttheacting.youdonotnotice.

ican’ttellifmymotheristerrifiedorinlovewithmyfatheritalllooksthesame

iflinchwhenyoutouchmeifearitishim

whenmymotherwaspregnantwithhersecondchildiwasfouripointedatherswollenbellyconfusedathowmymotherhadgottensobiginsuchlittletimemyfatherscoopedmeinhistreetrunkarmsandsaidtheclosestthingtogodonthisearthisawoman’sbodyit’swherelifecomesfromandtohaveagrownmantellmesomethingsopowerfulatsuchayoungagechangedmetoseetheentireuniverserestedatmymother’sfeet

istrugglesodeeplytounderstandhowsomeonecanpourtheirentiresoulbloodandenergyintosomeonewithoutwantinganythinginreturn

-iwillhavetowaittilli’mamother

noitwon’tbeloveatfirstsightwhenwemeetit’llbeloveatfirstremembrancecausei’veseenyouinmymother’seyeswhenshetellsmetomarrythetypeofmani’dwanttoraisemysontobelike

everyrevolutionstartsandendswithhislips

whatamitoyouheasksiputmyhandsinhislapandwhisperyouareeveryhopei’veeverhadinhumanform

myfavoritethingaboutyouisyoursmellyousmelllikeearthherbsgardensalittlemorehumanthantherestofus

iknowishouldcrumbleforbetterreasonsbuthaveyouseenthatboyhebringsthesuntoitskneeseverynight

youarethefaintlinebetweenfaithandblindlywaiting

-lettertomyfuturelover

nothingissaferthanthesoundofyoureadingoutloudtome

-theperfectdate

heplacedhishandsonmymindbeforereachingformywaistmyhipsormylipshedidn’tcallmebeautifulfirsthecalledmeexquisite

-howhetouchesme

iamlearninghowtolovehimbylovingmyself

hesaysiamsorryiamnotaneasypersontowantilookathimsurprisedwhosaidiwantedeasyidon’tcraveeasyicravegoddamndifficult

theverythoughtofyouhasmylegsspreadapartlikeaneaselwithacanvasbeggingforart

iamreadyforyouihavealwaysbeenreadyforyou

-thefirsttime

idonotwanttohaveyoutofilltheemptypartsofmeiwanttobefullonmyowniwanttobesocompleteicouldlightawholecityandtheniwanttohaveyoucausethetwoofuscombinedcouldsetitonfire

lovewillcomeandwhenlovecomeslovewillholdyoulovewillcallyournameandyouwillmeltsometimesthoughlovewillhurtyoubutlovewillnevermeantolovewillplaynogamescauseloveknowslifehasbeenhardenoughalready

i’dbelyingifisaidyoumakemespeechlessthetruthisyoumakemytonguesoweakitforgetswhatlanguagetospeakin

heasksmewhatidoitellhimiworkforasmallcompanythatmakespackagingfor—hestopsmemidsentencenonotwhatyoudotopaythebillswhatdrivesyoucrazywhatkeepsyouupatnight

itellhimiwriteheasksmetoshowhimsomethingitakethetipsofmyfingersplacetheminsidehisforearmandgrazethemdownhiswristgoosebumpsrisetothesurfaceiseehismouthclenchmusclestightenhiseyesporeintomineasthoughi’mthereasonformakingthemblinkibreakgazejustasheinchestowardmeistepback

sothat’swhatyoudoyoucommandattentionmycheeksflushasismileshylyconfessingican’thelpit

youmightnothavebeenmyfirstlovebutyouwerethelovethatmadealltheotherlovesirrelevant

you’vetouchedmewithouteventouchingme

howdoyouturnaforestfirelikemesosoftiturnintorunningwater

youlooklikeyousmellofhoneyandnopainletmehaveatasteofthat

yournameisthestrongestpositiveandnegativeconnotationinanylanguageiteitherlightsmeuporleavesmeachingfordays

youtalktoomuchhewhispersintomyearicanthinkofbetterwaystousethatmouth

it’syourvoicethatundressesme

mynamesoundssogoodfrenchkissingyourtongue

youwrapyourfingersaroundmyhairandpullthisishowyoumakemusicoutofme

-foreplay

ondayslikethisineedyoutorunyourfingersthroughmyhairandspeaksoftly

-you

iwantyourhandstoholdnotmyhandsyourlipstokissnotmylipsbutotherplaces

ineedsomeonewhoknowsstruggleaswellasidosomeonewillingtoholdmyfeetintheirlapondaysitistoodifficulttostandthetypeofpersonwhogivesexactlywhatineedbeforeievenknowineeditthetypeofloverwhohearsmeevenwhenidonotspeakisthetypeofunderstandingidemand

-thetypeofloverineed

youmovemyhandbetweenmylegsandwhispermakethoseprettylittlefingersdanceforme

-soloperformance

we’vebeenarguingmorethanweoughtto.aboutthingsneitherofusrememberorcareaboutcausethat’showweavoidthebiggerquestions.insteadofaskingwhywedon’tsayiloveyoutooneanotherasoftenasweusedto.wefightaboutthingslike:whowassupposedtogetupandturnthelightsofffirst.orwhowassupposedtopopthefrozenpizzaintheovenafterwork.takinghitsatthemostvulnerablepartsofoneanother.we’relikefingersonthornshoney.weknowexactlywhereithurts.

andeverythingisonthetabletonight.likethatonetimeyouwhisperedanamei’mprettysurewasn’tmineinyoursleep.orlastweekwhenyousaidyouwereworkinglate.soicalledworkbuttheysaidyou’dalreadyleftacouplehoursago.wherewereyouforthosecouplehours.

iknow.iknow.yourexcusesmakeallthesenseintheworld.andigetalittlecarriedawayfornogoodreasonandeventuallybegincrying.butwhatelsedoyouexpectbaby.iloveyousomuch.i’msorryithoughtyouwerelying.

that’swhenyouholdyourheadwithyourhandsinfrustration.halfbeggingmetostop.halftiredandsickofit.thetoxininourmouthshasburntholesinourcheeks.welooklessalivethanweusedto.lesscolorinourfaces.butdon’tkidyourself.nomatterhowbaditgetswebothknowyoustillwannanailmetotheground.

especiallywheni’mscreamingsoloudourfightingwakestheneighbors.andtheycomerunningtothedoortosaveus.babydon’topenit.

instead.liemedown.laymeopenlikeamap.andwithyourfingertracetheplacesyoustillwantto****outofme.kissmelikeiamthecenterpointofgravityandyouarefallingintomelikemysoulisthefocalpointofyours.andwhenyourmouthiskissingnotmymouthbutotherplaces.mylegswillsplitapartoutofhabit.andthat’swhen.ipullyouin.welcomeyou.home.

whentheentirestreetislookingouttheirwindowswonderingwhatallthecommotionis.andthefiretruckscomerollingintosaveusbuttheycan’tdistinguishwhethertheseflamesbeganwithourangerorourpassion.iwillsmile.throwmyheadback.archmybodylikeamountainyouwanttosplitinhalf.babylickme.

likeyourmouthhasthegiftofreadingandi’myourfavoritebook.findyourfavoritepageinthesoftspotbetweenmylegsandreaditcarefully.fluently.vividly.don’tyoudareleaveasingleworduntouched.andiswearmyendingwillbesogood.thelastfewwordswillcome.runningtoyourmouth.andwhenyou’redone.takeaseat.causeit’smyturntomakemusicwithmykneespressedtotheground.

sweetbaby.this.ishowwepulllanguageoutofoneanotherwiththeflickofourtongues.thisishowwehavetheconversation.this.ishowwemakeup.

-howwemakeup

whenmymothersaysideservebetterisnaptoyourdefenseoutofhabithestilllovesmeishoutshelooksatmewithdefeatedeyesthewayaparentlooksattheirchildwhentheyknowthisisthetypeofpaineventheycan’tfixandsaysitmeansnothingtomeifhelovesyouifhecan’tdoasinglewretchedthingaboutit

youweresodistantiforgotyouwerethereatall

yousaid.ifitismeanttobe.fatewillbringusbacktogether.forasecondiwonderifyouarereallythatnaive.ifyoureallybelievefateworkslikethat.asifitlivesintheskystaringdownatus.asifithasfivefingersandspendsitstimeplacinguslikepiecesofchess.asifitisnotthechoiceswemake.whotaughtyouthat.tellme.whoconvincedyou.you’vebeengivenaheartandamindthatisn’tyourstouse.thatyouractionsdonotdefinewhatwillbecomeofyou.iwanttoscreamandshoutit’susyoufool.we’retheonlyonesthatcanbringusbacktogether.butinsteadisitquietly.smilingsoftlythroughquiveringlipsthinking.isn’titsuchatragicthing.whenyoucanseeitsoclearlybuttheotherpersondoesn’t.

don’tmistakesaltforsugarifhewantstobewithyouhewillit’sthatsimple

heonlywhispersiloveyouasheslipshishandsdownthewaistbandofyourpants

thisiswhereyoumustunderstandthedifferencebetweenwantandneedyoumaywantthatboybutyoucertainlydon’tneedhim

youweretemptinglybeautifulbutstungwhenigotclose

thewomanwhocomesaftermewillbeabootlegversionofwhoiam.shewilltryandwritepoemsforyoutoerasetheonesi’veleftmemorizedonyourlipsbutherlinescouldneverpunchyouinthestomachthewayminedid.shewillthentrytomakelovetoyourbody.butshewillneverlick,caress,orsucklikeme.shewillbeasadreplacementofthewomanyouletslip.nothingshedoeswillexciteyouandthiswillbreakher.whensheistiredoffallingapartforamanthatdoesn’tgivebackwhathetakesshewillrecognizemeinyoureyelidsstaringatherwithpityandit’llhither.howcansheloveamanwhoisbusylovingsomeonehecannevergethishandsonagain.

thenexttimeyouhaveyourcoffeeblackyou’lltastethebitterstateheleftyouinitwillmakeyouweepbutyou’llneverstopdrinkingyou’dratherhavethedarkestpartsofhimthanhavenothing

morethananythingiwanttosaveyoufrommyself

youhavespentenoughnightswithhismanhoodcurledinsideyourlegstoforgetwhatlonelinessfeelslike

youwhisperiloveyouwhatyoumeanisidon’twantyoutoleave

that’sthethingaboutloveitmarinatesyourlipstilltheonlywordyourmouthremembersishisname

itmusthurttoknowiamyourmostbeautifulregret

ididn’tleavebecauseistoppedlovingyouileftbecausethelongeristayedthelessilovedmyself

youmustn’thavetomakethemwantyoutheymustwantyouthemselves

didyouthinkiwasacitybigenoughforaweekendgetawayiamthetownsurroundingittheoneyou’veneverheardofbutalwayspassthroughtherearenoneonlightsherenoskyscrapersorstatuesbutthereisthunderforimakebridgestrembleiamnotstreetmeatiamhomemadejamthickenoughtocutthesweetestthingyourlipswilltouchiamnotpolicesirensiamthecrackleofafireplacei’dburnyouandyoustillcouldn’ttakeyoureyesoffmecausei’dlooksobeautifuldoingityou’dblushiamnotahotelroomiamhomeiamnotthewhiskeyyouwantiamthewateryouneeddon’tcomeherewithexpectationsandtrytomakeavacationoutofme

theonewhoarrivesafteryouwillremindmeloveissupposedtobesoft

hewilltastelikethepoetryiwishicouldwrite

ifhecan’thelpbutdegradeotherwomenwhenthey’renotlookingiftoxicityiscentraltohislanguagehecouldholdyouinhislapandbesofthoneythatmancouldfeedyousugaranddouseyouinrosewaterbutthatstillcouldnotmakehimsweet

-ifyouwanttoknowthetypeofmanheis

iamamuseumfullofartbutyouhadyoureyesshut

youmusthaveknownyouwerewrongwhenyourfingersweredippedinsidemesearchingforhoneythatwouldnotcomeforyou

thethingworthholdingontowouldnothaveletgo

whenyouarebrokenandhehasleftyoudonotquestionwhetheryouwereenoughtheproblemwasyouweresoenoughhewasnotabletocarryit

lovemadethedangerinyoulooklikesafety

evenwhenyouundressheryouaresearchingformeiamsorryitastesogoodwhenthetwoofyoumakeloveitisstillmynamethatrollsoffyourtongueaccidently

youtreatthemliketheyhaveaheartlikeyoursbutnoteveryonecanbeassoftandastender

youdon’tseethepersontheyareyouseethepersontheyhavethepotentialtobe

yougiveandgivetilltheypulleverythingoutofyouandleaveyouempty

ihadtoleaveiwastiredofallowingyoutomakemefeelanythinglessthanwhole

youwerethemostbeautifulthingi’deverfelttillnow.andiwasconvincedyou’dremainthemostbeautifulthingi’deverfeel.doyouknowhowlimitingthatis.tothinkatsucharipeyoungagei’dexperiencedthemostexhilaratingpersoni’devermeet.howi’dspendtherestofmylifejustsettling.tothinki’dtastedtherawestformofhoneyandeverythingelsewouldberefinedandsynthetic.thatnothingbeyondthispointwouldaddup.thatalltheyearsbeyondmecouldnotcombinethemselvestobesweeterthanyou.

-falsehood

idon’tknowwhatlivingabalancedlifefeelslikewheniamsadidon’tcryipourwheniamhappyidon’tsmileiglowwheniamangryidon’tyelliburn

thegoodthingaboutfeelinginextremesiswheniloveigivethemwingsbutperhapsthatisn’tsuchagoodthingcausetheyalwaystendtoleaveandyoushouldseemewhenmyheartisbrokenidon’tgrieveishatter

icameallthiswaytogiveyouallthesethingsbutyouaren’tevenlooking

theabusedandtheabuser

-ihavebeenboth

iamundoingyoufrommyskin

itwasn’tyouiwaskissing—don’tbemistaken

itwashimonmymindyourlipswerejustconvenient

italwayscomesbacktoyouboilscirclesitchesitswaybacktoyou

iwasmusicbutyouhadyourearscutoff

mytongueissourfromthehungerofmissingyou

iwillnothaveyoubuildmeintoyourlifewhenwhatiwantistobuildalifewithyou

-thedifference

riversfallfrommymouthtearsmyeyescan’tcarry

youaresnakeskinandikeepsheddingyousomehowmymindisforgettingeveryexquisitedetailofyourfacethelettinggohasbecometheforgettingwhichisthemostpleasantandsaddestthingtohavehappened

youwerenotwrongforleavingyouwerewrongforcomingbackandthinkingyoucouldhavemewhenitwasconvenientandleavewhenitwasnot

howcaniwriteifhetookmyhandswithhim

neitherofusishappybutneitherofuswantstoleavesowekeepbreakingoneanotherandcallingitlove

webeganwithhonestyletusendinittoo

-us

yourvoicealonedrivesmetotears

idon’tknowwhyisplitmyselfopenforothersknowingsewingmyselfuphurtsthismuchafterward

peoplegobuthowtheyleftalwaysstays

loveisnotcruelwearecruelloveisnotagamewehavemadeagameoutoflove

howcanourlovedieifit’swritteninthesepages

evenafterthehurtthelossthepainthebreakingyourbodyisstilltheonlyoneiwanttobeundressedunder

thenightafteryouleftiwokeupsobrokentheonlyplacetoputthepieceswerethebagsundermyeyes

stayiwhisperedasyoushutthedoorbehindyou

iamconfidentiamoveryou.somuchthatsomemorningsiwakeupwithasmileonmyfaceandmyhandspressedtogetherthankingtheuniverseforpullingyououtofme.thankgodicry.thankgodyouleft.iwouldnotbetheempireiamtodayifyouhadstayed.

butthen.

therearesomenightsiimaginewhatimightdoifyoushowedup.howifyouwalkedintotheroomthisverysecondeveryawfulthingyou’veeverdonewouldbetossedouttheclosestwindowandallthelovewouldriseupagain.itwouldpourthroughmyeyesasifitneverreallyleftinthefirstplace.asifit’sbeenpracticinghowtostaysilentsolongonlysoitcouldbethisloudonyourarrival.cansomeoneexplainthat.howevenwhentheloveleaves.itdoesn’tleave.howevenwheniamsopastyou.iamsohelplesslybroughtbacktoyou.

heisn’tcomingbackwhisperedmyheadhehastosobbedmyheart

-wilting

idon’twanttobefriendsiwantallofyou

-more

iamlosingpartsofyoulikeiloseeyelashesunknowinglyandeverywhere

youcannotleaveandhavemetooicannotexistintwoplacesatonce

-whenyouaskifwecanstillbefriends

iamwater

softenoughtoofferlifetoughenoughtodrownitaway

whatimissmostishowyoulovedme.butwhatididn’tknowwashowyoulovedmehadsomuchtodowiththepersoniwas.itwasareflectionofeverythingigavetoyou.comingbacktome.howdidinotseethat.how.didisitheresoakingintheideathatnooneelsewouldlovemethatway.whenitwasithattaughtyou.whenitwasithatshowedyouhowtofill.thewayineededtobefilled.howcrueliwastomyself.givingyoucreditformywarmthsimplybecauseyouhadfeltit.thinkingitwasyouwhogavemestrength.wit.beauty.simplybecauseyourecognizedit.asifiwasalreadynotthesethingsbeforeimetyou.asifididnotremainalltheseonceyouleft.

youleavebutyoudon’tstaygonewhydoyoudothatwhydoyouabandonthethingyouwanttokeepwhydoyoulingerinaplaceyoudonotwanttostaywhydoyouthinkit’sokaytodobothgoandreturnallatonce

iwilltellyouaboutselfishpeople.evenwhentheyknowtheywillhurtyoutheywalkintoyourlifetotasteyoubecauseyouarethetypeofbeingtheydon’twanttomissouton.youaretoomuchshinetonotbefelt.sowhentheyhavegottenagoodlookateverythingyouhavetooffer.whentheyhavetakenyourskinyourhairyoursecretswiththem.whentheyrealizehowrealthisis.howmuchofastormyouareandithitsthem.

thatiswhenthecowardicesetsin.thatiswhenthepersonyouthoughttheywereisreplacedbythesadrealityofwhattheyare.thatiswhentheyloseeveryfightingboneintheirbodyandleaveaftersayingyouwillfindbetterthanme.

youwillstandtherenakedwithhalfofthemstillhiddensomewhereinsideyouandsob.askingthemwhytheydidit.whytheyforcedyoutolovethemwhentheyhadnointentionoflovingyoubackandthey’llsaysomethingalongthelinesofijusthadtotry.ihadtogiveitachance.itwasyouafterall.

butthatisn’tromantic.itisn’tsweet.theideathattheyweresoengulfedbyyourexistencetheyhadtoriskbreakingitforthesakeofknowingtheyweren’ttheonemissingout.yourexistencemeantthatlittlenexttotheircuriosityofyou.

thatisthethingaboutselfishpeople.theygambleentirebeings.entiresoulstopleasetheirown.onesecondtheyareholdingyouliketheworldintheirlapandthenexttheyhavebelittledyoutoamerepicture.amoment.somethingofthepast.onesecond.theyswallowyouupandwhispertheywanttospendtherestoftheirlifewithyou.butthemomenttheysensefear.theyarealreadyhalfwayoutthedoor.withouthavingthenervetoletyougowithgrace.asifthehumanheartmeansthatlittletothem.

andafterallthis.afterallofthetaking.thenerve.isn’titsadandfunnyhowpeoplehavemoregutsthesedaystoundressyouwiththeirfingersthantheydotopickupthephoneandcall.apologize.fortheloss.andthisishowyouloseher.

-selfish

todolist(afterthebreakup):

1.takerefugeinyourbed.2.cry.tillthetearsstop(thiswilltakeafewdays).3.don’tlistentoslowsongs.4.deletetheirnumberfromyourphoneeventhoughitismemorizedonyourfingertips.5.don’tlookatoldphotos.6.findtheclosesticecreamshopandtreatyourselftotwoscoopsofmintchocolatechip.themint

willcalmyourheart.youdeservethechocolate.7.buynewbedsheets.8.collectallthegifts,t-shirts,andeverythingwiththeirsmellonitanddropitoffatadonation

center.9.planatrip.10.perfecttheartofsmilingandnoddingwhensomeonebringstheirnameupinconversation.11.startanewproject.12.whateveryoudo.donotcall.13.donotbegforwhatdoesnotwanttostay.14.stopcryingatsomepoint.15.allowyourselftofeelfoolishforbelievingyoucould’vebuilttherestofyourlifeinsomeone

else’sstomach.16.breathe.

thewaytheyleavetellsyoueverything

perhapsidon’tdeservenicethingscauseiampayingforsinsidon’tremember

thethingaboutwritingisican’ttellifit’shealingordestroyingme

donotbotherholdingontothatthingthatdoesnotwantyou

-youcannotmakeitstay

youmustenterarelationshipwithyourselfbeforeanyoneelse

acceptthatyoudeservemorethanpainfullovelifeismovingthehealthiestthingforyourheartistomovewithit

itisapartofthehumanexperiencetofeelpaindonotbeafraidopenyourselftoit

-evolving

lonelinessisasignyouareindesperateneedofyourself

youareinthehabitofco-dependingonpeopletomakeupforwhatyouthinkyoulack

whotrickedyouintobelievinganotherpersonwasmeanttocompleteyouwhenthemosttheycandoiscomplement

donotlookforhealingatthefeetofthosewhobrokeyou

ifyouwerebornwiththeweaknesstofallyouwerebornwiththestrengthtorise

perhapsthesaddestofallarethosewholivewaitingforsomeonethey’renotsureexists

-7billionpeople

staystrongthroughyourpaingrowflowersfromityouhavehelpedmegrowflowersoutofminesobloombeautifullydangerouslyloudlybloomsoftlyhoweveryouneedjustbloom

-tothereader

ithanktheuniversefortakingeverythingithastakenandgivingtomeeverythingitisgiving

-balance

ittakesgracetoremainkindincruelsituations

fallinlovewithyoursolitude

thereisadifferencebetweensomeonetellingyoutheyloveyouandthemactuallylovingyou

sometimestheapologynevercomeswhenitiswanted

andwhenitcomesitisneitherwantednorneeded

-youaretoolate

youtellmeiamnotlikemostgirlsandlearntokissmewithyoureyesclosedsomethingaboutthephrase—somethingabouthowihavetobeunlikethewomenicallsistersinordertobewantedmakesmewanttospityourtongueoutlikeiamsupposedtobeproudyoupickedmeasifishouldberelievedyouthinkiambetterthanthem

thenexttimehepointsoutthehaironyourlegsisgrowingbackremindthatboyyourbodyisnothishomeheisaguestwarnhimtoneveroutstephiswelcomeagain

tobesoftistobepowerful

youdeservetobecompletelyfoundinyoursurroundingsnotlostwithinthem

iknowit’shardbelievemeiknowitfeelsliketomorrowwillnevercomeandtodaywillbethemostdifficultdaytogetthroughbutiswearyouwillgetthroughthehurtwillpassasitalwaysdoesifyougiveittimeandletitsoletitgoslowlylikeabrokenpromiseletitgo

ilikethewaythestretchmarksonmythighslookhumanandthatwe’resosoftyetroughandjunglewildwhenweneedtobeilovethataboutushowcapableweareoffeelinghowunafraidweareofbreakingandtendtoourwoundswithgracejustbeingawomancallingmyselfawomanmakesmeutterlywholeandcomplete

myissuewithwhattheyconsiderbeautifulistheirconceptofbeautycentersaroundexcludingpeopleifindhairbeautifulwhenawomanwearsitlikeagardenonherskinthatisthedefinitionofbeautybighookednosespointingupwardtotheskylikethey’rerisingtotheoccasionskinthecolorofearthmyancestorsplantedcropsontofeedalineageofwomenwiththighsthickastreetrunkseyeslikealmondsdeeplyhoodedwithconvictiontheriversofpunjabflowthroughmybloodstreamsodon’ttellmemywomenaren’tasbeautifulastheonesinyourcountry

ourbackstellstoriesnobookshavethespinetocarry

-womenofcolor

acceptyourselfasyouweredesigned

yourbodyisamuseumofnaturaldisasterscanyougrasphowstunningthatis

losingyouwasthebecomingofmyself

otherwomen’sbodiesarenotourbattlegrounds

removingallthehairoffyourbodyisokayifthat’swhatyouwanttodojustasmuchaskeepingallthehaironyourbodyisokayifthat’swhatyouwanttodo

-youbelongonlytoyourself

apparentlyitisungracefulofmetomentionmyperiodinpubliccausetheactualbiologyofmybodyistooreal

itisokaytosellwhat’sbetweenawoman’slegsmorethanitisokaytomentionitsinnerworkings

therecreationaluseofthisbodyisseenasbeautifulwhileitsnatureisseenasugly

youwereadragonlongbeforehecamearoundandsaidyoucouldfly

youwillremainadragonlongafterhe’sleft

iwanttoapologizetoallthewomenihavecalledprettybeforei’vecalledthemintelligentorbraveiamsorryimadeitsoundasthoughsomethingassimpleaswhatyou’rebornwithisthemostyouhavetobeproudofwhenyourspirithascrushedmountainsfromnowoniwillsaythingslikeyouareresilientoryouareextraordinarynotbecauseidon’tthinkyou’reprettybutbecauseyouaresomuchmorethanthat

ihavewhatihaveandiamhappy

i’velostwhati’velostandiamstillhappy

-outlook

youlookatmeandcryeverythinghurts

iholdyouandwhisperbuteverythingcanheal

ifthehurtcomessowillthehappiness

-bepatient

thenamekaurmakesmeafreewomanitremovestheshacklesthattrytobindmeupliftsmetoremindmeiamequaltoanymaneventhoughthestateofthisworldscreamstomeiamnotthatiammyownwomanandibelongwhollytomyselfandtheuniverseithumblesmecallsoutandsaysihaveauniversaldutytosharewithhumanitytonurtureandservethesisterhoodtoraisethosethatneedraisingthenamekaurrunsinmyblooditwasinmebeforetheworditselfexisteditismyidentityandmyliberation

-kaurawomanofsikhi

theworldgivesyousomuchpainandhereyouaremakinggoldoutofit

-thereisnothingpurerthanthat

howyouloveyourselfishowyouteachotherstoloveyou

myheartachesforsistersmorethananythingitachesforwomenhelpingwomenlikeflowersacheforspring

thegoddessbetweenyourlegsmakesmouthswater

youareyourownsoulmate

somepeoplearesobitter

tothemyoumustbekindest

weallmoveforwardwhenwerecognizehowresilientandstrikingthewomenaroundusare

foryoutoseebeautyheredoesnotmeanthereisbeautyinmeitmeansthereisbeautyrootedsodeepwithinyouyoucan’thelpbutseeiteverywhere

hairifitwasnotsupposedtobetherewouldnotbegrowingonourbodiesinthefirstplace

-weareatwarwithwhatcomesmostnaturallytous

mostimportantlylovelikeit’stheonlythingyouknowhowattheendofthedayallthismeansnothingthispagewhereyou’resittingyourdegreeyourjobthemoneynothingevenmattersexceptloveandhumanconnectionwhoyoulovedandhowdeeplyyoulovedthemhowyoutouchedthepeoplearoundyouandhowmuchyougavethem

iwanttoremainsorootedtothegroundthesetearsthesehandsthesefeetsinkin

-grounded

youhavetostopsearchingforwhyatsomepointyouhavetoleaveitalone

ifyouarenotenoughforyourselfyouwillneverbeenoughforsomeoneelse

youmustwanttospendtherestofyourlifewithyourselffirst

ofcourseiwanttobesuccessfulbutidon’tcravesuccessformeineedtobesuccessfultogainenoughmilkandhoneytohelpthosearoundmesucceed

myheartbeatquickensatthethoughtofbirthingpoemswhichiswhyiwillneverstopopeningmyselfuptoconceivethemthelovemakingtothewordsissoeroticiameitherinloveorinlustwiththewritingorboth

whatterrifiesmemostishowwefoamatthemouthwithenvywhenotherssucceedbutsighinreliefwhentheyarefailing

ourstruggletocelebrateeachotheriswhat’sprovenmostdifficultinbeinghuman

yourartisnotabouthowmanypeoplelikeyourworkyourartisaboutifyourheartlikesyourworkifyoursoullikesyourworkit’sabouthowhonestyouarewithyourselfandyoumustnevertradehonestyforrelatability

-toallyouyoungpoets

givetothosewhohavenothingtogivetoyou

-seva(selflessservice)

yousplitmeopeninthemosthonestwaythereistosplitasoulopenandforcedmetowriteatatimeiwassureicouldnotwriteagain

-thankyou

youhavemadeittotheend.withmyheartinyourhands.thankyou.forarrivingheresafely.forbeingtenderwiththemostdelicatepartofme.sitdown.breathe.youmustbetired.letmekissyourhands.youreyes.theymustbewantingofsomethingsweet.iamsendingyouallmysugar.iwouldbenowhereandnothingifitwerenotforyou.you’vehelpedmebecomethewomaniwantedtobe.butwastooafraidtobe.doyouhaveanyideahowmuchofamiracleyouare.howlovelyit’sbeen.andhowlovelyitwillalwaysbe.iamkneelingbeforeyou.sayingthankyou.iamsendingmylovetoyoureyes.maytheyalwaysseegoodnessinpeople.andmayyoualwayspracticekindness.mayweseeeachotherasone.maywebenothingshortofinlovewitheverythingtheuniversehastooffer.andmaywealwaysstaygrounded.rooted.ourfeetplantedfirmlyontotheearth.

-aloveletterfrommetoyou

rupikaurisawriterandartistbasedintoronto,canada.throughoutherpoetryandillustrationssheengageswiththemesoflove,loss,trauma,healing,andfemininity.shesharesherwritingwiththeworldasameanstocreateasafespaceforprogressivehealingandforwardmovement.hercreativedirectionandphotographyhavebrokeninternationalboundariesandhavesincemadeitintogalleries,magazines,andspacesaroundtheworld.whensheisnotwritingorcreatingotherart,sheistravelingtoperformspokenword,aswellashostingwritingworkshops.youcanfindmoreofherworkat:www.rupikaur.com

-aboutthewriter

milkandhoneyisacollectionofpoetryaboutlovelosstraumaabusehealingandfemininityitissplitintofourchapterseachchapterservesadifferentpurposedealswithadifferentpainhealsadifferentheartachemilkandhoneytakesreadersthroughajourneyofthemostbittermomentsinlifeandfindssweetnessinthembecausethereissweetnesseverywhereifyouarejustwillingtolook

-aboutthebook

CheckouttheseandotherAndrewsMcMeelbooksatwww.andrewsmcmeel.com:

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milkandhoneycopyright©2015byRupiKaur.Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseof

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ISBN:978-1-4494-7866-7

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