Dedication

Towomeneverywherewhodon’tthinktheycanmanagetheirmoney,whoaren’tconfidentintheirskills,andwhounderestimatetheirownworthand

intelligence.Youarefarsmarter,farmorecapable,andfarworthierthanyourealize.

Contents

CoverTitlePageDedication

Introduction1:CollegeGradSeeksMeaningful,GainfulEmployment.Fails.2:MyYearofFoodStampsandBillionaires3:TheTumblersofAdulthood4:ADifferentKindofGrindstone5:ThatOneTimeWeBoughtaHouse6:OurWatershedCoffeeShopConversation:ADreamIsHatched7:OurFirstMonthofExtremeFrugality8:LessMakeup,MoreConfidence9:WhatIsFinancialIndependenceAnyway?10:TurnsOut,FrugalityIsAboutMoreThanMoney.MuchMore.11:FightingBackAgainsttheBaby-IndustrialComplex12:ThatOneTimeWeBoughtaHomestead13:Birth:SomethingThatNeverGoesAccordingtoPlan14:TheBusiestFourMonthsofOurLives15:OurThirdWay16:SmoothingOuttheHappinessCurve

AcknowledgmentsAbouttheAuthorCopyright

AboutthePublisher

Introduction

AsIwritethis,I’msittingonthebackporchoftheruralVermonthomesteadIsharewithmyhusbandandourdaughter,gazingoutonthesixty-sixacresofforest,fruittrees,gardens,ponds,andstreamsthatwefeelincrediblyluckytocallourown.Justafewyearsago,thisseemedlikeanimpossiblefeat.MyhusbandandIwerestrugglingtoconceiveababyandattemptingtochartapathoutofourfrenziednine-to-fivegrindinurbanCambridge,Massachusetts.Wewantedtoachievefinancialindependence,quitthecubiclejobsthatmadeussounhappy,andcreateasimplerlifeofpurposeinaruralsetting.Thisisthestoryofhowwebroughtthatdreamtofruitionbeforeourthirty-

thirdbirthdays.Myhusband,Nate,andIarenotexceptionalpeople.We’renotrichorfamousorgeniusesorevenparticularlygood-looking(althoughwehaveourmoments).We’rejustsomeaverage,middle-classkidsfromtheMidwestwhodecidedwewantedsomethingmoreoutoflifethanwhatourconsumerculturesellsus.Werealizedwecouldn’tbuyourwaytohappinessandthatwehadtorestructurehowwelived,whatwespentourmoneyon,andhowweusedourtimeinordertoachievedeepfulfillmentandlastingcontentment.I’veheardpeoplesaythingsalongthelinesof“anyonecanachievefinancial

independence”and“peoplearepoorbecausetheydon’tworkhardenough”and“mysuccessstemsentirelyfrommyownefforts”andIdisagreewithallofthosesentiments.Whileit’struethatNateandIareaveragepeople,andwe’veneverwonthelotteryorhadinvestmentbankersalariesorbeenthebeneficiariesofinheritancesortrustfunds,I’mkeenlyawarethatwearealsoextraordinarilyprivileged.Povertyisapervasiveissue,notonlyinourcountrybutglobally,andit’s

myopictopresumethateveryonewhoispoordoesn’tworkhardenoughorisn’tmotivatedenough.It’softenquitethecontrary.Manypeoplewholiveator

motivatedenough.It’softenquitethecontrary.ManypeoplewholiveatorbelowthepovertylineworkmuchharderthanIeverhaveorprobablyeverwill.Workingtwoandthreejobsinanefforttosimplypayrentandbuygroceriesandsendtheirkidstoschoolinshoesthatfitisthepunishingrealityformanypeople.Frugalityisoftenalreadyarequirementforthoseatthelowestendoftheeconomicspectrumandthere’ssimplynotenoughmoneycomingineverymonthtosaveenoughtocreateastablefinancialbase,letaloneanemergencyfundorretirementsavingsorinvestments.Inordertosavelargeamountsofmoney,youhavetohaveasufficientamountofmoneycomingin.Youcan’tfrugalizeincomeyoudon’tearn.Withoutanemergencyfund,asavingsaccount,oranytypeoffinancial

cushion,peoplewholivepaychecktopaycheckareinaperilousposition.Onemissedshiftcanequalamissedrentpaymentoramissedelectricitybill.Compoundingthisproblemisthefactthatmanyeconomicallydisadvantagedpeoplelackabankaccount,whichmeansthey’reunabletotakeadvantageofthelendingopportunitiesoroverdraftprotectionsthatalargefinancialservicesfirmcanprovide.It’smybeliefthatwe,asacountry,needastrongersocialsafetynetforthe

workingpoor.Weneedcomprehensivemedicalanddentalcoverage,weneedwelfareprogramsthatdon’tstrandfamilieswhoearnjustbarelytoomuchmoneytoqualifyforhousingandfoodsubsidies,weneedtocarenotonlyforourchildrenandourelderly,butalsoforadultswhostruggle—foranynumberofreasons—tocobbletogetheralivablewage.I’maproponentofexploringauniversalbasicincome,asstudieshavedemonstratedthatentrustingpeoplewithmoneyoftheirownoftenyieldstremendousdividendsforsocietyasawhole.Noonewinswhenafamilyhastochoosebetweenworkingajoborsafechildcare.Noonewinswhentheonlyfoodoptionsinaneighborhoodareunhealthyandexpensive.Noonewinswhenpeopleareforcedtousetheemergencyroomastheirprimarycarephysician.Asanationandasasociety,Ibelievewehavearesponsibilitytocareforthosewhoexperiencethegreatestneedandtocreateviablepathwaysoutofgenerationalpoverty.Ishareallofthiswithyoubecauseit’seasywhentalkingaboutone’spersonal

journey—whichiswhatthisbookis—toextrapolateandmaketheassumptionthatifonlyeveryonedidaswedid,thentheytoowouldexperiencesuccess.Butthat’snotthecase.It’snaive,presumptuous,andgrosslylackinginempathytoassumeasmuch.Inmanyways,myprivilegeandmyhusband’sprivilegetookrootinourlives

longbeforewewereevenborn.Bothofourparentshadcollegeeducations,hadgoodcareers,ownedhomes,andwereinhappy,financiallystablemarriagesbeforewewereevenconceived.Thesefactorsallcombinedtomeanthatbythe

beforewewereevenconceived.Thesefactorsallcombinedtomeanthatbythetimewewereborn,NateandIwerealreadyseveralstepsaheadofmanyoftheotherbabiesinthehospitalthatday.Addingtothecircumstancesofourfamiliesisthefactthatwewerebornintosafe,middle-classneighborhoodsintheUnitedStatesandthuswerethebeneficiariesofexcellentmedicalcare,superbpublicschools,plentyofnutritiousfoods,vibrantpubliclibrarysystems,summercamps,girl/boyscouttroops,churchcommunities,horsebackridinglessons,balletclasses,basketballteams,andmuchmore.Alloftheseprivilegeswovethemselvestogethertoformthebasisforhappy,

warm,well-educated,well-cared-forchildhoods.Wedidn’tsuffertraumasaschildren.Wedidn’tenduredomesticviolence.Weneverexperiencedfoodinsecurity.Wewereneverhomeless.Ourelectricityandwaterwereneverturnedoff.Wewereneverevicted.Weweren’texposedtoparentaldruguseoraddiction.Rather,wewereencouraged,taughttoreadathome,takenonfamilytripstoartmuseumsandthesymphony,shownhowtocookandclean,disciplinedwithfairbutfirmmethodology,taughttoplaynicelywithoursiblings,givenpetstocarefor,andaboveall,lovedunconditionally.Thesefactorsareprofoundinchartingaperson’scoursethroughlifeandallof

thesebenefitsofourupbringingscontributedinlargeparttothesuccesseswe’veenjoyedasadults.Andourprivilegedoesn’tstopthere.MyhusbandandIarebothwhiteandheterosexual.IwishIdidn’thavetoincludethesetwofactsas“privileges”becauseIbelievethatpeopleofallraces,religions,genders,ethnicities,backgrounds,andsexualorientationsshouldbetreatedequally.Sadly,however,thatisn’tthecaseinourcountryandsoIhavetoincludetheseasfactorsintegraltooursuccesses.Iwasn’tsubjectedtoindividualorinstitutionalbiasesinmyapplicationsforcollege,forgraduateschool,orforjobs.Iwasabletosucceedinbothacademicsandmycareerwithoutthestrainofracismorhomophobiaoranynumberofotherprejudices.WhileIdothinkthereareelementsofmyjourneythroughextremefrugality

thatcouldbeusefultoanyone,Ialsorealizethatmyfrugalityiselective.Idon’thavetosaveasmuchmoneyasIdo.I’mnotpinchingpenniesinordertoeat.I’mnotamissedpaycheckawayfrombankruptcy.IchoosetobefrugalandIchoosetolivealifestylethathasgrantedmefinancialindependence.Butit’snomoreduetomyownaptitudethanthefactthatIcanreadandwrite.Sure,Ihadtoworkhardtolearntoreadandwrite,butIalsohadparentsandteachershelpingmeoutateveryturn.IwishIcouldsaythatifeveryonefollowedmyadvice,theytoocouldreachfinancialindependence,butthat’ssimplynotthecase.Therearetoomanylayersofinstitutionalprivilegeenablingmystoryforittobereplicableforeveryone.Therearemanypeoplewhotranscenddifficultchildhoodstoachieveatthe

Therearemanypeoplewhotranscenddifficultchildhoodstoachieveatthehighestlevels.Whoyouwillgrowuptobeisn’timprintedatbirthorpredeterminedbywhoyourparentsare.Butit’sundeniablethattheroadwaseasierforme.Ididn’thavetoovercomeanythinginordertogetwhereIamtoday.Amemoircanonlyhonestlyrepresentaperson’slivedexperiences,whichiswhyIfeltitwasimportanttoshareallofthewaysinwhichprivilegecoursesthroughmylife.IwrotethisbooktotellthestoryofhowNateandIdidtheunexpected.Of

howwebrokefree.Ialsowanttoencourageyoutoaskyourselfthequestionsthatguidedourjourney:Whatwouldyoudoifyoudidn’tneedyourpaycheck?What’syourpassioninlife?Andwhat’sstoppingyoufrommakingthatareality?Ifullyrecognizethathavingtheabilitytoevenaskourselvesthesequestionsisprofoundlyprivileged.Formanypeople,questionslikethesearewhollyoutofreachanddivorcedfromtheirdailyslogoftryingtomakeendsmeet.Whatareyoudoingthatyoulove?Thatyouhate?Howdoyouuseyourtime

andmoney?Andhowdoyouwishyouusedyourtimeandmoney?Bringingyourhopesintoalignmentwithyouractionsismyboldestedict.Toooften,we’reslottedintopredeterminedrolesbysocietalexpectations,familypressures,and,inmycase,ourowninternalconceptionofwhatourlives“should”looklike.Whenwe’reabletostopthecycleofimpressingothersandspendingmoneyinanefforttoassuagethefrustrationswefeel,trueliberationcantakeholdinourlives.Identifyingwhethereverydollarwespendisforaneedorawantenablesustocraftalifethat’sfocusedonlivingoutourpriorities—nottheprioritiesofanyoneelseorofsocietyatlarge—buttheprioritiesthatmattermosttous.Inthepagesthatfollow,Ihopeyoufindinspirationandmotivationtopursueyourbestlife.

1CollegeGradSeeksMeaningful,GainfulEmployment.Fails.

IneededajobbecauseIneededmoneytopayrent,apositionmostpeoplefindthemselvesinatsomepointintime.Morethanthat,IwantedtoclimbontowhatIsawasthefirstrungofadulthood:acareer-trackjobthatyougotbusinesscardsforandhadtowearasuitto.Iwantedtobetakenseriously.IwasobsessedwithdoingwhatIthoughtIshoulddobecause,uptothispoint,it’dworkedoutprettywellforme.Sittingonamoldedplasticchairinthetempagencyoffice,Itookthefirstjob

theyofferedme:workinginasingle-storybeigewarehouseMondaythroughFridayfrom7a.m.to3p.m.,preparingdocumentsfordigitization.Thiswasn’tanywherenearwhatI’denvisionedandIwasprettysureIdidn’tneedtowearasuit.ButIalsodidn’twanttowastetimewaitingforsomeonetocallmebackaboutmyapparentlyworthlessrésumé.Ifnothingelsewasgoingtopanoutforme,IfiguredImightaswellearnsomemoney.ItwasJune2006andIwastwenty-twoyearsold.I’dgraduatedwithhonors

fromtheUniversityofKansasthemonthbefore,feelingflushwithaccomplishment.Sincemyfreshmanyearofhighschool,that’dbeenmygoal,andI’dassumedthatwasallIneededtodoinordertoensurelifelongsuccess.Theformulaforlife,asIunderstoodit,was:yougotocollege,yougetgoodgrades,yougraduate,yougetagoodjob,andyoulivehappilyeverafter,right?!Somehow,thatwasn’tworkingout.Iwasarulefollower,asyllabusand

spreadsheetlover,butnow,Iwasadriftwithoutarubric.I’dwrittenwhatIthoughtwasaverynicerésuméandcoverletterandsentitinresponsetono

fewerthanfifty-threedifferentjobopeningslocatedalloverthecountryatnonprofitsrangingfromartmuseumstosoupkitchens,allofwhichIfiguredwouldwelcomealiberalartsmajorlikemyselfwithopenarms.Notasingleonecalledmeback.Oremailedmeback.Orevenletmeknowthey’dsomuchasreceivedmyapplication.Iwasthrowingmyselfagainstthedoorsofadulthood,equippedwitheverythingI’dbeentaughttobringtothisstageoflife,andnoonewasanswering.EverydayIworkedatthatbeige,one-storywarehousewasacarboncopyof

thedaybefore:Iopenedadusty,green,legal-sizefilefolder,tookoutthetoppieceofpaper,andpresseditdownonthetableundermypalms,spreadingfromthecenteroutward,myhandsflatteningeachcornerasIwent.NextIcheckedforstaples,whichI’dremovelikeunwantedteethwithasadisticripfromthemetaljawsofmystapleremover,heedlessofthegapingmawleftinitswake.IpeeledoffPost-itnotessooldtheybarelypostedanymore,andtapedthemdownonallfoursidestoablankpieceofpaperI’dwhiskupwithmyrubber-coveredfingertipfromastackinthecenterofthetable.I’dthenpickupthesecondpieceofpaperfromthefolderandbeginafresh,asifforthefirsttime,untilI’dperformedthisritualoneverysinglepieceofpaperinthefolder.ThenI’dmoveontothenextfolderinmyin-box.Isatonametalfoldingchairataplasticfoldingtablewithtwootherwomen

inthiswindowless,cavernouswarehouse.IwasjustfivemilesfromwhereI’dblissfullyspentthepastfouryearsdoublemajoringinpoliticalscienceandcreativewriting,whichI’dassumedwouldsomehowalchemizeintoaprofession.I’dneverquiteidentifiedwhatthatprofessionmightbe,butIfiguredthatapplyingforjobswouldbelikeapplyingforcollege:lineupallthecorrectpaperwork,checkalltherightboxes,andgetaccepted.That’sadulthood,right?!Thewarehousehadgray-paintedconcretewallsandIcouldn’tfigureoutwhy

you’dbothertopaintconcretegray,somethingIhadplentyoftimetomulloverbecausetherewasnovariationtomydays,noadditionaltasks,nothingtodobutgetaboxoffileseverymorningandsitatmytableforeighthours,straighteningedges.Thetwowomenwhoworkedalongsidemewereniceenough,andwe’dchatasweworkedorI’dlistentoNPRonmyheadphones.IwassinkingintodepressionandwhatIcanhonestlysaywasennui:WasthiswhyI’dgottenaBA?WhyI’dpulledall-nightersforfouryearstoekeouta4.0?IfeltlikeIwasspiralingdownwardintoanabyssthatwouldterminatewithmelivinginmyparents’basement,whichwasn’tevenfinished,andbabysittingtheirneighbor’skids.(See?Ennui.)Tomeattwenty-two,thatsoundedlikeabouttheworstthingthatcouldhappentoaperson.Ihadn’tevenlivedatmyparents’houseduringsummerssincemyfreshmanyear.Iwanted,morethananything,tobeanindependentperson.Apersonwhocouldfindajob.

independentperson.Apersonwhocouldfindajob.Addingtomyembarrassmentandfrustrationovermyfailuretolaunchwas

thefactthatmyclosestconfidant,myboyfriend,Nate,washiredforarealjob(ajobwithasalary,thatonemightlistonarésumé,andthatonewouldn’tbemortifiedtoadmitonedid)beforeweevengraduated.I’dbeenabetterstudentthanNate,withmoreAsandmoreextracurriculars,soIseethedwithjealousy.Hehadaninternshipallofoursenioryear,whichhe’dspentmoretimeatthanhehadstudying,andthenthey’dofferedhimafull-timeposition.Myinternshipatthecityartscenter,conversely,hadnottranslatedintoajob,eventhoughI’dappliedfortheirentry-leveladministrativeassistantposition.I’dspentmoretimestudying,astrategyIwasstartingtoquestionnowthatIwassorawwithenvyasItoiledinawarehouseataplasticfoldingtable.Ifeltduped.Noonehadwarnedmeaboutthispostgraduatepurgatoryofbeingeducatedbutinexperiencedandunqualifiedtodo,well,reallyanything.Sittinginmy1990lightblueToyotaCamrystationwagonintheparkinglot

ofthedocumentscanningwarehouseinlateJuly,IhadmycellphoneclampedtomyearandIthoughtIwasgoingtosweattodeath.Theairconditioninginthecar—whichI’dpaidcashformyselfatagesixteen,withmoneysavedupfrommybabysittingandchurchreceptionistgigs—didn’twork.Theonlywaytostaycoolwastorunthefanonthehighestsetting.Buttheproblemwasthatbetweentheengineandthefan,Icouldn’thearmypotentialfuturebossontheline,sittingasshewasinherofficeonthetwenty-sixthfloorofabuildinginmidtownManhattan,whichIimaginedtobesleek,snowywhite,andgenerouslyair-conditioned.I’dhadthecardooropentoallowinsomehotKansasbreeze,butthenIcouldhearmycolleagueswhowerealsoonbreakchattingandlaughingfromthewarehousesteps,oblivioustomypotentiallylife-changingphoneconversationoverhere.IwavedtothemsothatifIpassedoutanddidn’tcomebackintowork,someonewouldfindmebeforeIroasted.Iwedgedanotebookbetweenthesteeringwheelandmystomachandtriedtotakenoteswithoutsmearingtheinkwithmysweat.Imadeamentalnotetositonthepassengersideforanyandallfuturephoneinterviews.ThiswasmythirdcallwithAmeriCorps,anditsoundedliketheymightbeasdesperatetohiresomeoneasIwastobehired.Nate’sjobwasinKansasCitysoI’dstartedmysearchthere,thinkingwe

couldlivetogether.Althoughinallhonesty,Iwasn’tthinkingwe’djustlivetogether;Iwasthinkingwe’dgetengagedandthenlivetogether.Iwantedeverythingadultliketohappenimmediately:career,marriage,kids,house,andadogtoo,cometothinkofit.IbroughtthisupwithNateinwhatIconsideredacasual,wondering-what-you’re-thinking-about-us-and-marriagesortofway,

whichalwaysseemstocomeoffasaggressiveandgauchewhenItrytodoit.Duetomyenduringlackofsuavity,NateknewexactlywhatIwasdrivingatandflatouttoldmehedidn’twanttogetengageduntilafterwe’dhadsometimeintherealworld.Someexperiencebeyondourcollegiatebubblethatprovidedeverythingweneeded:structure,purpose,asociallife,beer.Inretaliationforhismaturecoolheadedness,IveeredmyjobsearchtotheEastCoast,sincethatseemedlikeagoodwaytoshowNatehowmiserablehislifewouldbewithoutme.AftertwomonthsoffruitlesssearchingIcameacrossAmeriCorps,which

didn’tpayasalaryperse,butwhichdidprovidewhatseemedlikeworthyrésuméfodder.Attheveryleast,Ifigureditwasseveralstepsupfromdocument-scanningdoominawarehouseinsuburbanKansas,whichisaprettylowbartostepover.Turnsout,AmeriCorpswantedme.Offerletterinhand,Iquitmydocument-scanninggiginwhatIimaginedtobeatriumphantflourish(althoughnooneseemedtonotice).ItwaslateAugustandIretreatedtomyparents’two-storybricksubdivisionhomeinsuburban—farsuburban—St.Louis,Missouri,toprepareformydecampmenttotheexotic-soundingNewYorkCity.Laterthatweek,Istoodinthefluorescent-litdressingroomoftheJCPenney

attheWestCountymallwearingasizefour,shoulder-padded,grayplaidskirtsuitwithpinkpipingandapinktoppeekingoutfromunderneaththejacket.Mymomsaiditlookedveryprofessional,andsincesheandmydadofferedtobuyme,inherwords,“acareerwardrobe”asagraduationpresent,Iagreed.Thiswasajobinanoffice,afterall,whichIassumedmeantwearingasuitandnylonseveryday.Equippedwithfivesuitsandtwopairsoftheonlylowheelsthatfitme—Naturalizerpumps,abrandpatronizedprimarilybywomenmymother’sage—unengaged,andhavingneverset(long,narrow)footinNewYorkCitybeforeinallmytwenty-twoyears,IgotonaplaneboundforLaGuardiawiththemaximumallowablebaggage.Asmytaxifromtheairportpulleduptoarundown,graffiti-covered,three-

storywalk-upinpre-gentrifiedCrownHeights,Brooklyn,convenientlylocatedacrossthestreetfromablocks-longabandonedwarehousewithnotasingleintactpaneinitswindows,Iaskedthedrivertodouble-checktheaddress,becausetherewasnowaythiswasmyapartment.Buthewasn’twrong.Thiswas,accordingtohismapandtheaddressI’dwrittendown,whereInowlived.Myroommates—twoofmyfriendsfromcollegewhoalsohadofferlettersfor

NewYorkCity–basedjobs—hadpickedthisplaceout,andtobefair,theonlyrequirementI’dgiventhemwas“cheap.”I’dgottenonaplaneinthesuburban,safe,middle-class—I’dpreviouslysaid“bland,”butblandwassoundingprettygoodrightaboutnow—Midwestandlandedinoneofthemorenotorious

goodrightaboutnow—Midwestandlandedinoneofthemorenotoriousneighborhoodsofurban,intimidating(tome,anyway),working-classBrooklyn.AsIclimbedthestairstomyapartmentwithmysuitcasesdiggingintomy

palmsandslammingagainstmylegs,IhopedNatewasmissingmeinapainful,longing,I-should-have-proposedsortofway,becausethishadbetterbeworthit.Unpackingdidn’ttakemuchtimesincetherewasafirmceilingonhowmuchIcouldcramintotwosuitcasesandtwocarry-ons.AmeriCorpswouldpayme$10,000fortheyear,andIhadafewhundreddollarsinthebankthatI’dsavedupfrommyvariouscollegejobsasawritingtutor,amoneycounterattheSixFlagsthemepark,ahostessattheOliveGarden,areceptionistatacardealership,andacampcounselor.AmeriCorpstactfullyreferredtomy$10,000,anamounttoosmalltolegallybecalledasalary,asa“servicestipend.”TheideabehindAmeriCorpsisthatyouths(likeme)workatsmallnonprofits

inimpoverishedcommunitiesforayearand,inreturn,gainvaluablejobexperience.IwouldsoundmuchmorealtruisticifIsaidIchoseAmeriCorpsbecauseIwantedtogiveback—andthatwaspartofit—butmorecrucially?Nowhereelsewouldhireme.Iwasdeterminedtoliveonthis$10,000stipendbecauseIdidn’thaveanydebtwhatsoever.Myparentshelpedmepayforcollege,plusI’dhadscholarships,plusI’dworked,plusKUwasverycheap,andIwasn’tabouttotakeondebtinthisfirsttestofadulthood.Giventhisbudget,therewasnowayIcouldaffordfurniture,soIdecidedtobuilditoutofcardboardboxes.Notfurniturethatcamepackedincardboardboxes,butoutofthecardboarditself.Icutbananaboxes,stackedthem,andtapedthemtogethertomakeasortofdresserwithopenshelves.Next,Iturnedaboxupside-downandputasheetoveritasatablecloth.Voilà!Abedsidetable.IrolledoutmyyogamatonthefloorofmywindowlessbedroomandcovereditwiththepillowandblanketI’dstuffedintooneofmysuitcases.Iwastriumphant.Ifeltindustriousandindependent,likeamodern-dayVirginiaWoolfstrikingoutonmyown,unbeholdentoparentsorboyfriendforfundsandabletocraftaroomofone’sownfromcardboard.IfiguredifIcouldmakemyownfreefurniture,Icouldprobablyhackitasanadult.I’lladmitthattheyoga-mat-as-beddidgetoldafteraweek,soIsaveduptobuythecheapestmattress(plusdelivery)thatIcouldfindattheAtlanticCenterMallinBrooklyn.Therewerelimitstomythriftiness.Iboughta“mapoftheworld”showercurtainbecauseIhatewastingtimeandfiguredthatbathingandbrushingteethcouldbemadeintomultitaskingopportunitiestoenhanceone’sknowledgeofgeography.ThatishowIlearnedthattheSeychellesareathing,soclearly,Ineededthismap.Andwiththat,Iwasmovedin.WalkingdownFranklinAvenue,mynewstreet,Isawtheornatearchitecture

underlyingnow-derelictbuildings.Icouldtellthatthesehadoncebeenelegant

underlyingnow-derelictbuildings.Icouldtellthatthesehadoncebeenelegantbrick-frontrowhouseswithcurlingspiralsofwroughtiron,expansivefrontsteps,andsquare,tidygardensoutfront.Now,theywerechoppedintowarrenlikeapartmentsfrontedbypatchesofdirtlitteredwithcans,newspapers,brokenglass,andcigarettebutts.Therewasanemptylotablockupfrommyapartment,chokedwithweedsandbagsofgarbage.Laundromats,bodegas,anoff-branddollarstore,hairsalons,storefrontchurches,andpaydayloanbusinesseswerewhattheneighborhoodoffered.Graffiticoatedeverything,eventhemetalgratesthatshopownerspulleddowntoprotecttheirglassstorefrontseverynight.Therewerenorestaurantsorbanksorgymsorcoffeeshopsorclothingstoresorgrocerystoresordoctor’soffices.Buttherewerepeopleeverywhere:outonstoops,chatting,callingtooneanother,laughing,scoldingkidswhoranaroundbarefoot,seeminglyoblivioustothebrokenglassandtrash.Peoplepushedrattlingshoppingcartsfullofcansandbottlesdownthecenterofthestreet,destinedforthepromiseoffive-centreturnsattheneighborhoodrecyclingcenter.TheFranklinAvenuesubwaystop,whichboastedboththe2/3and4/5trains,

waseightblocksfrommyapartment.Ihustledtheremyfirstmorningofwork.IwassotenseaboutmessingupmytrainroutethatIbarelyhadtimetoregisterthenuancesofthestreetIwaswalkingdown.Thoserealizationswouldcomelater.Afterparochiallyjabbingmysubwaypassattheturnstileafewtimes,Istoodback,watchedtheexperiencedmassesstreamingpast,andtriedtomimicthewaytheyslidtheircardsthroughthereader.Theyperformedthisceremonysoquicklythatthemechanicswerealmostimperceptible.Ittookmeagoodthreeminutestogetthrough,duringwhichtimeIthoughtthethrongbehindmemightpickmeupandthrowmeovertheturnstile.Myonlyexperiencewithpublictransitbeforethatmorningwasridingonthetrainthatwentaroundourzooasakid.Iclutchedmyhandwrittendirections(thisbeingthepre-smartphoneera)in

mysweatyhands,tryingtokeeptrackofwhichstopwewereateachtimethetrainlurchedintoastation.WhenIfirstgoton,I’dpositionedmyselfsothatIwasstaringatthemapabovethedoor,whichhadChristmas-tree-light-sizebulbsthatlitupattheappropriatestation.Butafterthirtyminutesunderground,thereweresomanypeoplejammedintothecarthatIcouldn’tseethemapanymore,andwasfranticallytryingtomakeoutthegarblednametheconductorrattledoffateachstation.Everyoneelseseemedtoknowbyinstinctwherewewere.Iwatchedithappenoverandoveragainaspeople,zoningoutonheadphones,readingbooks,orflat-outasleep,wouldanimatelikewind-uptoysandscurryoffattheirstop.Idecidedafterforty-fiveminutesthatIshouldbetherebynow,soIgotoutandrealizedthatthenamesofthestationsareonthewallsoutsidethe

gotoutandrealizedthatthenamesofthestationsareonthewallsoutsidethetrainwindows,andthatI’dgottenoffastoptooearly.Ijumpedonthenexttrainanddisembarkedatthecorrectstopthistime:

GrandCentralTerminalintheheartofmidtownManhattan.SincemostofthetrainpopulationemptiedoutatGrandCentral,Iwasnowmovinginthecenterofapackofpeople,allshufflingupthestairs.Icouldn’thaveturnedaround,orbentdown,orscratchedmynosewithoutdisruptingtheherdofhumanityIwaspartof.Atthetopofthestairs,IwasspatoutintoGrandCentral,whichwasthepolaroppositeofwhereI’dstartedmymorning,withitsvaultedceilings,marblecolumns,andantiqueclocks.InvestmentbankerspushedpastmewearingRolexwatches,andexecutivesinred-soledLouboutinsclickedaroundme,demonstrablyannoyedthatIwasastationarybeaconinthisotherwiseconstantlyflowingcrowd,alldetermined,allinarush,allgivingoffasenseofpurpose.Betweenthepeopleandthebuilding,I’dneverseensomuchwealthondisplayinoneplace.I’dalsoneverseensomanyexitsinoneplace.FromwhereIwasstanding,thereappearedtobeaboutten,allgoingindifferentdirections,withindecipherableindicationsofwheretheyled.ThedirectionsI’dscribbleddidnotincludewhichexittotake,soIguessedandendedupwalkinginroughlythedirectionofmynewoffice.Itwas8:40a.m.andIwassupposedtobetherebynine,soIthoughtmytimingwasperfectbecauseIneededtogointoalobbybathroomandchangemyshoes,brushmyhair,applylipstick,dabthestresssweatoffmyblouse,andtopupondeodorant.WhenIgottomyofficebuilding,however,IlearnedauniversalNewYorkCitytruth:therearenopublicrestroomsinofficebuildings.Worsestill,myboss,whoturnedouttobeapoised,young,glamorousNewYorker,wasstandinginthelobby(inheels,withoutnylons)waitingforme.Iwalkedintomyfirstdayofmyfirstrealjobwearingtennisshoesovernylons,withmattedhair,andwithsweatdrippingdownmybackunderneathmypastel,shoulder-paddedsuitthatwould’velookedperfectonafifty-year-oldmidwesternrealestateagenttryingtosellasuburbansplit-levelwithgreencarpetingandaporchsheinsistedonreferringtoasthe“lanai.”

2MyYearofFoodStampsand

Billionaires

IneverthoughtaboutmoneyawholelotbeforemovingtoNewYorkCity.Atleast,notinthehow-am-I-going-to-afford-to-eatsortofway.Myparentsaren’twealthy,butthey’vealwaysownedtheirownhomeandpackedschoolluncheswithcarrotsandwhole-wheatsandwichesfortheirthreekids.WhenIwastwelve,wewenttoWashington,DC,becausemydadhadaconferencethereandthehotelroomwaspaidforbyhiswork.WevisitedallofthefreeSmithsonianmuseumsandIateaReubensandwichforthefirsttimeatarestaurantnearthetheaterwhereLincolnwasshot.IhadnofirsthandframesofreferencefortheoutlandishwealthorthedesperatepovertythatNewYorkCityencompasses.Growingup,myfamilyandIvolunteeredregularlyatsoupkitchensanddonatedtohomelessshelters,butthere’saremovewhenyoudriveanhourhomeafterwardtothescrubbed,mono-economicsuburbs.Iknewintellectuallythatavastchasmexistsbetweenrichandpoor,butIhadn’tencounteredanacademicorjournalisticrenderingofthedividethatadequatelyconveyedthevisceralfeelingsofexperiencingitformyself.Turnsout,AmeriCorpswasmyyearofeconomicextremes,myyearoffoodstampsandofbillionaires.Adoormaninamatchingburgundycap,jacket,andpantswithgoldpiping,

andwhitegloves,flungopenthedoorformyboss,Sara,andmeandthenusheredusthroughthemarble,rococo-inspiredlobby,withgoldleaffleurs-de-lisonthewalls.“We’reheretoseeMarcy,”mybosstoldhimasheescortedustotheelevator,wherehepressedthebuttonmarked“18.”Nolastnameneeded;thedoormeninourdonors’buildingskneweveryoneoftheirresidentsandexactlywhichmultimillion-dollarapartmenttheyinhabited.Iwasadevelopment

exactlywhichmultimillion-dollarapartmenttheyinhabited.Iwasadevelopmentassociate,thesecondonateamoftwotaskedwithraisingmoneyforthesmallnonprofitthatAmeriCorpshadassignedmeto.WhenIfilledoutmyAmeriCorpsapplicationonline,therewasadrop-downmenuoffieldstochoosefrom,andI’dpicked“fund-raising”becausemydadwasafund-raiserandIknewitinvolvedthingsIthoughtIknewhowtodo,namely,writingandtalkingtopeople.Awomaninwash-and-wearslacksandabeigetop,which,inmynonexistent

experiencewithdomestichelp,Iwould’vecalledanartsmock,openedthedoortoMarcy’sapartmentandledusdownahallwaywithaninlaidwoodfloor.Sittingonamarble-toppedmahoganytablewithcarvedballerinalegswasabouquetofwhiterosesandpalepinkpeoniesthatwasmoreofacenterpiecethanabouquet,andIwonderedbrieflyifitwasleftoverfromsomeone’swedding.No,Iquicklyrealized,itwasjustthefoyerbouquet,whichcoordinatedwithasmallerbutnolessopulentarrangementontopofthegrandpianointhelivingroomwhereMarcystoodpoisedforourarrival.SheglidedacrossanexpanseofwhitecarpetingtoembraceSaraandkissheronbothcheeks.Iwastryingtofigureoutwhothenamelesswomaninthesmockwasandfoundmyanswerwhenshesilentlycarriedinatrayofteasandwiches.Ithenunderstoodthatwewouldn’tbeintroduced.EverythinginMarcy’shomewaspreciseandimmaculateand,bycontrast,I

feltelephantine.IstoodfrozeninplaceonthepristinewhitecarpetingasIinclinedmyheadtowardMarcysothatshecouldkissmycheekstoo.Ihadn’twashedmyhairthatmorningandflushedwithshamethatshewouldsmellmylower-classlackofhygiene.IknewMarcyandherlotdidn’twashtheirownhair;theypoppedovertoadrybarforablowout.IthoughtIsawhersmooth,pearlescentforeheadwrinkleassheroundedmyfaceforthedestinationofmysecondcheek,herChanelearringscratchingmyskineversoslightly,leavinganindentationofyou-can’t-afford-thisinitswake.MyscalpsuddenlyfeltgreasierthanthecheapcheesepizzamyroommatesandIscarfedonthefloorofourdining-room-table-lesslivingroom.Isweardandruffstartedtoplume.Thekissingritualover—abizarreNewYorkCitythingthatIneverfully

understoodorfeltcomfortablewith—Iturnedmyheadtotheleft,pretendingtolookoutthefloor-to-ceilingwindowwithaviewofManhattan,inordertosurreptitiouslycheckiftherewasanydandruffontheshoulderofwhatInowrealizedwasaprovincial,criminallyunfashionablebeigesuitwiththinbluestripesandpleatsallthewayaroundthehemofitsknee-lengthskirt.MarcyandSarawerechattingaboutchemical-peelfacials,aconversationIhadnothingtocontributeto,soIbegantoincharoundtheroom,takingintheincongruouscollectionofartonthewalls.AsfarasIcouldtell,theonlyunifyingthreadwas

collectionofartonthewalls.AsfarasIcouldtell,theonlyunifyingthreadwasthatitwasallrealartbyrealartists.OurgoaltodaywastosecureadonationfromMarcy—perhapsoneofthese

paintings—forournonprofit’sannualgalafund-raisingauctionatChristie’s.Saraalsoplannedtoaskhertoconsiderpurchasingadinnertableattheeventfor$25,000.Thisbeingasumnearlythreetimesmyannualsalary,Icouldn’timagineshe’dsayyes.EventhoughIknewthattoMarcy$25,000wasabouttheequivalentof$5tome,Istillcouldn’tcomprehendhowapersoncouldhaveenoughexcesscashtosimplygiveawaythatmuchmoney.Inthisway,fund-raisingfeltmiraculoustome.Ilikedthatwegavepeopleachancetohelpothers,achancetodosomethingmeaningfulwiththeirmoney.ButIstillcouldn’tfathomthedollaramounts,andwasrelievedthatSaramadetheactualask.MarcyandSarawerehelpingthemselvestothespreadthatthemaidhad

broughtinbutIhesitated,mortifiedI’ddropfoodonsomethingpriceless.IwonderediftherewasanywayIcouldavoideatingwithoutseemingweird.Icouldn’tfeignvegetarianismoranallergytogluten,sincemybosshadwitnessedmewolfdownacheeseburgerwhenwe’dgoneoutforateam-buildinglunchtheweekbefore.Plus,Iwasstarvingandnotinafinancialorhungerpositiontoturndownafreelunch.SoIheldmybreathwhilebalancingaLimogesplateofhamsandwichonmylap,perchedontheedgeofapalerose–coloreddamasksofathatprobablycostmorethanmyundergraduatedegree.MylegsandbackwerecrampingbecauseIhadmykneesjammedtogetherandmylowerbackarchedtokeeptheplatestationarywhilealternatelysmiling,sayingafewconversationallyappropriatewordstoproveIwasn’tmute/anidiot,andtakinginfinitesimalbites.Ilookeddownandsawadeterminedruninmynylonsmakingitswayfromsomewheredeepinsidemybrown,half-inchpumpsuptheoutsideofmycalf.EverytimeIshifteditboltedupward.MymomhadtaughtmethatifIeveraccidentallybrokesomethingatanotherperson’shouse,Ishouldpaytoreplaceit.ButtherewasnowayIcouldaffordtoevenoffertoreplaceanythinginMarcy’sapartment,whichmademefeelunwelcomeinmyownmind.I’donlyeverbeeninthehomesofpeoplerelativelyclosetomyownpositionontheeconomicspectrum:peoplewhoownedthingsfromBedBath&BeyondorWorldMarketandperhaps,onthehighend,PotteryBarn,butprobablypurchasedwithacouponoronclearance.Iprayedthatwe’dmoveovertothesecurityofthemassivediningroomtable

Icouldseelurkinginthenextroom,repletewithitsowncoordinatingfloralcenterpiece.Aplateissomuchmorestableonatable,solesslikelytobedroppedontowhitecarpeting.Noluck;wewerequiteclearlystayinginthelivingroomontheseunforgivinglight-coloredsurfaceswithnowheretorestcutleryorone’sglassoflime-infusedsparklingwater.Itoccurredtomethatnoonewhocleanstheirownhomewouldhavethismuchwhite/nearlywhite

onewhocleanstheirownhomewouldhavethismuchwhite/nearlywhitefurniture.Sara,aconsummatepro,mercifullydidallthetalkingbecauseIwasn’tsurewhattosaytoapersonwhohadhundredsofdollarsinfloralarrangementsdeliveredtoherhomeeveryfewdays.MarcyofferedtodonateaweekattheirvacationhomeinNice,France,andtopurchaseadinnertable.Ourworkwasdone.Thatnight,Iwasdrainedfrommaintainingafauxsmileandatenuousperch

onMarcy’slivingroomfurnitureallafternoon.Ridinghomeonthetrain,Ididn’thavetheenergytoreadtheBrooklynPublicLibrarybookI’ddraggedaroundwithmeallday.Ijustsatthereandstaredatpeopleastheygotonandoffthesubwaycar.Forty-fiveminuteslater,IwasbackhomeinCrownHeights,Brooklyn.TherewerepolicecarsstationedateveryothercrossstreetofFranklinAvenue,andapoliceobservationtowersittingoutsideoftheYaffaMoneyMartbodegathreeblocksupfrommyapartment.Iwalkedovertoapolicecarandaskedwhatwasgoingon.Theofficertoldmetheywereonroutinesurveillancefordrug-andgang-relatedactivity.IaskedifIshoulddoanythingtoprotectmyselfandhesaid,“Movetoasaferneighborhood.”Stunned,Iwalkedhomeandlockedthedoor.I’dseenagunnotattachedtoa

lawenforcementofficerforthefirsttimeandtheinsideofabillionaire’shomeforthefirsttimeduringmyfirstmonthinNewYorkCity,andthewhiplashwasalmostunbearable.IwasstartingtofeellikeI’dmadeamistakeincominghere,butIcouldn’tbackoutnow.IwasoncontractwithAmeriCorpsforayearand,moretothepoint,Iwellknewthatnowhereelsewouldhiremewithoutthisyearofexperienceonmyrésumé.SoIsatinmywindowlessbedroom,staringatmycardboarddresser,eatingblackbeansfromacan,drinkingwinefromabox,andwonderinghowI’dsurvivethenextelevenmonths.Therewasn’tagrocerystoreinmyimmediateneighborhood,butafterafew

weeksmyroommatesandIfoundaKeyFoodelevenblocksaway,whichhadcrampedaislesofmostlycannedandfrozengoodswithflyspeckedfluorescentlightsoverhead.Despitereadingaboutthem,I’dneverunderstoodwhatitfeltliketoliveinafooddesert.Ihad$120infoodstampseverymonth,whichwasanotherbenefitofAmeriCorps.Sincemyrentwas$500amonthandIbroughthome$833.33everymonth(andwastryingtosaveasmuchofthat$333.33ashumanlypossible),Icouldn’taffordtospendanymorethanthefoodstampallotmentonmymeals.AfterIfiguredoutIcouldsliplaundrydetergentandshampooinwithmygroceriesandpayforthemwithmyfoodstampdebitcard,Ispentevenlessonactualfood.I’materrible,nottomentionunenthusiastic,cook,soIworkedoutarotationofcannedtuna,peanutbutter(usuallywithoutbread),blackbeans,pasta,andfrozendinnersthatfitmybudgetofaround$4orlessperday.SincemyofficeprovidedapizzaluncheveryFriday,I’dstuff

lessperday.SincemyofficeprovidedapizzaluncheveryFriday,I’dstuffmyselfandthentakehomealltheleftoversIcouldsqueezeintoagallon-sizeziplockbagI’dbringfromhomeandwashouteachweek.Iwasdizzywithexcitementthehourbeforethepizzawasdelivered,steaminghotanddeliciouswithdoughy,garlickyknotsasanappetizer.I’dlearnedaboutpovertyincollege,andfooddesertsspecifically,butnoneofthateffectivelyconveyedwhatitfeelsliketocarryaweek’sworthofcheapgrocerieshome,theplasticbaghandlesdiggingintomywrists,foraneleven-blockwalkoverurine-soakedsidewalkswithpeopleaskingmetogivethemmyfoodandmefeelingguiltyfornotgivingittothembecauseIjustcouldnotrepeattheordeal.Therewasabodegaonmystreetthatsometimeshadfreshfruit,soI’dbuyapplesorbananasonmywayintoworkiftheyweren’ttoobrownandspotted.Icouldn’tgetoverthefactthatbackintheMidwest,we’dconsidereditanactualchoretohopinourcaranddriveafewmilestoagigantic,sparkling,air-conditionedgrocerystorethatplayedTop40andsoldeverykindofvegetableyoucouldeverwant(andalotthatnooneeverdidseemtowant).“Gobacktowhereyoucamefrom!”awomanscreamedatmeasIpushedmy

four-wheeledmetalcarttothelaundromatoneSaturdaymorning.Iwaswalkingdownthesidewalkwithmydirtylaundry,soIthoughtitwasprettyobviousthatI,infact,livedhere.Upuntilthatpoint,thatmomentofbeingyelledatinthestreet,I’dassumedIwasstrugglingalongsidemyneighbors.Thatwewereallpoorandonfoodstampsanddesperatetogether.Everyweek,wesatsidebysideonthecrackedorangeplasticchairsinthelaundromatthatstankoffeetandhadwashersencrustedwithgrimearoundtheedges.Wealldullywatchedourclothesrotatesinceitwaswellknownthey’dbestolen,stilldrippingwet,ifweleft.Butthatwoman’swords,andthenakedangerbehindthem,mademerealizethatIwasafake.Iwasjusttryingonthemantleofpovertyforayear,makingacutesybudgettometeoutmyfoodstampsandpickinguploosechangeunderneathswankManhattanbarsI’dduckintopretendingIwasmeetingafriend,butreallyjusthopingsomeonehaddroppedatwentyastheyorderedtheirthirdmartini.Iwasn’tlivinginentrenched,generationalpovertywithnowayout,andIhad

noonetoprovideforbutmyself.Whataselfish,entitledbratIwas.I’dbegoneassoonasmycontractwithAmeriCorpswasoverandmyleaseended.Ihadnointentionoflivinghereinanypermanentsenseandmyneighborsknewit.TheyhatedwhatIrepresented:white,educated,wealthyprivilege.Forgetmybillionairedonors;I’dneverunderstoodmyownprivilegeinsuchsharprelief.IhatedlivinginCrownHeights.Ihatedtheyellingatallhours,thegunshots,themiceandcockroachesinourapartment,andtheinexplicableincidentwhere

someonerippedallthesidewalktreesoutoftheirplantersonenight,butI’veneverbeenmoregratefultolivesomewhere.Withoutthatexperience,Iwouldn’thaveaframeofreferenceforhowfortunateIamandforhowgrindingandchronictruepovertybecomes.Iwouldn’tunderstandhowprofoundlyfortunateitistoliveinaneighborhoodyou’renotterrifiedtowalkthroughaloneatnightandthathasagrocerystoreandbanksanddoctor’soffices.Ididn’tmakeaconsciouschoicetoliveinCrownHeightsandatthetime,allIcouldthinkaboutwasleaving,butitwasthebestthingthatcould’vehappenedtoprivileged,sheltered,twenty-two-year-oldme.Ididn’tbelongineitherthelivingroomsofthewealthyormyneighborhood

withitsenpleinairdrugtrade.Istartedtodespiseboth.IlearnedthatIdidn’twanttoberichafterlisteningtoourdonorscomplainaboutmanagingtheirhouseholdstaffsandwhichapartmentbuildingtheycouldaffordtoupgradetoandwherethey’dsummerandwhicheliteschoolstheirchildrenwouldattend.Itstruckmethatmostofthesepeopleweren’thappyinadeeporgenuineway.Therewastoomuchpeerpressuretoconform,aspire,strive,andprovetheirwealthtosimplyenjoylife.Moreover,Igotthesensethatifyou’retremendouslywealthy,younever

knowifpeopleareinterestedinyouorinyourmoney.Ialsosawthatsomepeopleinthisecheloncametodefinethemselvesbytheirwealthmorethanbyanyotheraspectoftheirlives.ExactlylikemyCrownHeightsneighbors,someofwhomwereruledbytheirlackofmoney,theaffluentaresometimesruledbyitspresence.Ididn’twantanyofthat.Ifeltasthoughtherehadtobemoretolifethananendlessacquisitionofmoneyinordertocontinuallybuymorestuff.Ontheotherpoleofthings,Ididn’twanttobepoor,withtheattendant

desperation,anger,anddepression.Bothworldswerecompletelyobsessedwithmoneyforoppositereasons.IrealizedthatIwantedalifewheremoneywasn’timportant;andso,inadditiontomyresolvenottotakeondebtthatyear,IdecidedtosaveasmuchasIpossiblycould.Ihadnoideaifthistypeoflifewasevenpossible,andIknewnexttonothingaboutmanagingmyfinances(pitifulastheywere)butIfiguredthattheplacetostartwaswithmoneyinthebank.AndsoIbegantosave.Theupsideherewasthatmyplanvis-à-visNateseemedtobeworking.His

jobinKansaswasacontractpositionthatendedinNovember,sohedecidedtolookforhisnextemployerontheEastCoast.InDecember,heflewtoNewYorkandspentthemonthholedupinmywindowlessbedroom,jobhuntingonthespottyWi-Fiwe“borrowed”fromourdownstairsneighbors.Butwhathewasmoresuccessfulat,andhasalwayshadanuncannyknackfor,isnetworking.ThisishowwefoundourselvesoneThursdaynightatabarinHell’sKitchenthatservedfreehotdogsandhow,intrueNatefashion,heleftwithaninterview

thatservedfreehotdogsandhow,intrueNatefashion,heleftwithaninterviewscheduledatafirminBostonthatmarriedhistwogreatloves(otherthanme):politicsandsoftwareengineering.Hewashiredthenextweek.InearlyJanuary,wetookthe$15FungWahbusuptoCambridge,Massachusetts,tofindhimanapartment.Hesettledonasubterraneanbasementunitwiththeprosofbeinginadesirableurbanneighborhoodandafive-minutewalkfromhisnewoffice.WecelebratedwithdinnerataBYOBIndianrestaurantintheEastVillagethat,forunknownreasons,iscoveredwithChristmaslights.It’salsocheapbeyondbelief,twothingsIhavetobelievearecorrelated.Natewasgonethenextweek.CambridgeisalotclosertoBrooklynthanKansas,butit’sstilla217-mile

distanceinoneofthemostexpensivecorridorsoftheUnitedStates.Neitherofusownedacar,sowewereleftwiththebus.Let’sironsomethingoutrightnow:acitybusisfine.Acitybusischeerfulwithajovialdriverandpassengerswhohaverecentlybathed,allzippingaroundtownwithease.Butalong-distancebus?Thatisanentirelydifferentanimal.Along-distancebusisnoone’sfirstchoice.It’snoone’ssecondchoice.It’sthechoiceoflastresortforpeoplewhocannotaffordtocrossstatelinesinanyotherway.Anyotherway,Itellyou.EveryFridayatexactly5p.m.,I’drunfrommymidtownofficetoGrand

CentralTerminalbangingmysuitcase(abeaten-up,green,’80s-erahand-me-downfromNate’sdad)behindmeandridetotheLowerEastSidewheretheFungWahbuspickedup,standingthewholewaysothatIcouldbethefirstpersontoboltoffthetrainandupthestationsteps.Therewasn’tastoporastationpersefortheFungWah,justawindowcounterjuttingoutofaChineserestaurantwhereIboughtmy$15ticket.Then,nomattertheweather,IstoodonthesidewalkinaglumqueueofpeoplewhosimultaneouslywantedtogettoBoston,butdidnotwanttogetonthisbus,withitsinoperablewindowsandingrainedstenchoffishandfriedfood.I’dslumpintoanaisleseatandtrytolooklikeIhadtyphoid/angermanagementissues,hopingnoonewouldwanttositnexttome.Andnoonewantedtositnexttomebecausewealltacitlyagreedthattheonlythingworsethanridingonabusforfourhoursissittingnexttoastrangeronabusforfourhours,whichiswhatusuallyhappened.Alatecomerwouldrushonthebus,sweatingfromtheirjog,victoriousthey’dmadeit,andsqueezeinnexttome,ourcoatsandbagsjumblingatourfeetandfallingdownontopofusfromthetoo-smalloverheadbin.We’dnodapologeticallyateachother,bothknowingwe’dprefertositalone,butalsoacquiescingtoournewreality.MyfellowpassengersandIwouldeatthedinnerswe’dbrought,notmakingeyecontact,facingforward,futilelyprayingwewouldn’tbedelayedintheinevitable,inexorableFridayeveningrushhourtrafficformorethananhourortwo.Once,wewerestuckforsevenhoursonthehighwayinthemiddleofa

blizzard.I’vetriedtothinkofworseexperiencesinmylife.TheonlyonethatcomesevenremotelycloseisthetimeNateandIflewtoBelgiumforvacationandIcontractedfoodpoisoningintheairportandspenttheentireflightrunningbackandforthtothelavatory.TheFungWahbusservicewasshutdownin2013forsafetyviolations,butthiswas2007andtheywere,somehow,hurtlingpassengersdownthehighway,providingameansoftransportationforeveryonewhocouldn’tafforda$200trainticketjusttogetfromonestatetothenext.Attheendofthisfour-to-seven-hourtrudge,NatewouldmeetmeatSouth

StationindowntownBostonandwe’dsnuggleontheTridetoCentralSquareinCambridge.TheweekendswerehowIwantedtherestofmylifetobe:playinghousewithNate.Hewasitforme;hewasmyfuture.Weweretoopoortodoanything,sowe’dmeltcheeseonbreadinthetoasterovenhisparentsgavehimasanewjobpresentanddrinkboxedwinebythelightofChristmascandlesIboughtforusintheWalgreensholidayclearancesection.WesleptlateonSaturdaysandthenwalkedthelengthofthecitymanytimesover,pausingtoreadthemenusofrestaurantswecouldn’taffordtoeatin.TheonlyreasonIbroughtasuitcaseeveryweekwastoloaditupwithmydirtylaundry,sheetsincluded,andwashitinhisin-unitwasher/dryer,whichwaslocatedinthefronthall/livingroomrightbehindthecouch.EverySundayafternoonstartingatabout3p.m.,ahollowwellofdespair

bloomedinme.I’dwatchtheclock,trynottowatchtheclock,thenwatchtheclockagainasmytimewithNatetickeddown.Itwasthelowestpointofmyweek,everyweek.Initially,ItookamidafternoonFungWahhome,butasthemonthsworeonandourritualofcreatingatwo-personnestdeepened,Imovedmydeparturetimelaterandlater.Iendedupwiththe7p.m.bus,whichwasthelatestIcouldpossiblygoandstillmakeittoworkthenextmorningby9a.m.TheFungWahdumpedmeinthefishgut–drenchedstreetsofChinatownat11p.m.ThenI’dtaketwotrainsbacktoCrownHeightsandwalktheeightblockshomeguidedbywhicheverstreetlightshappenedtobeworkingthatweek,trailingmysuitcaseofcleanlaundry,nursingmyweeklybrokenheart.InApril,Saraofferedmeafull-timepositiontobeginaftermyAmeriCorps

tenureendedinSeptember.IwasflatteredbutpresentedwithadilemmasinceIdidn’twanttocontinuethisFungWahdrudgery.IwantedtomoveinwithNate,butnotwithoutfirstgettingengaged.IthoughtifIjustmovedinwithhim,wemightnevergetmarried.We’dslideintocohabitationandneverseethepointofmakingitofficial.I’dmissoutonthatelementofadulthood.IwassobentonfollowingwhatIenvisionedastheprescribedstepsforachievementthatIwasconvincedmarriagehadtobepartofmylifeinorderformetobeperceivedassuccessful.Sensingthatthiswasmymomentforleverage,Ioutlinedthesituationfor

Sensingthatthiswasmymomentforleverage,IoutlinedthesituationforNateinonelong,awkwardsentencethatwentsomethinglike,“MyleaseisupattheendofAugust,IwanttoleaveBrooklyn,I’mtiredofthelong-distancerelationshipthing,andideally,I’dmoveinwithyou,butI’mnotwillingtodothatunlessyou’rereadytoputaringonit.”Ifiguredifhedidn’tproposesoon,heneverwould.Eonselapsed(bywhichImeanamonth),noproposalhappened,andIstarted

whatcanonlybecorrectlydescribedasworld-classstressingout.Whatifspendingtherestofourlivestogetherwasn’twhatNatehadinmind?I’dconsideredourmarriageaforegoneconclusionsincethebeginningofoursenioryear,whenI’dreturnedfromeightmonthsofstudyingabroadandhe’dcometotheairportwithmyparents(afterdrivingthefivehourstoSt.Louisandstayingattheirhouseovernightwithoutme).Usnotgettingmarriedhadn’tenteredmycalculations.Iwasnowtwenty-threewithverylittleinsavings,andnoclearnextstepotherthanmovingtoBostonandgettingmarried.Ihadn’tmadecontingencyplansbecausenoneofmyfuture-castingwaswithoutNatebymyside.ThejobI’dbeenoffered(thatistosay,thejobIhad)wouldpay$30,000ayearsoI’dnolongerhaveaccesstofoodstampsorafreeMetroCard(anotherAmeriCorpsbenefit).Bymycalculations,thatmeantI’dstillbesloggingthroughwhite-collarpoverty.Bothofmyroommateshadalreadymadeplanstomoveinwithotherpeople,andIhadnocluewhereI’dliveinNewYorkCity.Icertainlydidn’twanttostayinCrownHeights,butIalsohadnoprospectsforroommates.Allofmyfriendswerealreadypartneredorroommatedup,Icouldn’taffordtolivealone,andIwasterrifiedofmovinginwithCraigsliststrangers.Iwasalsokeenlyawareofthefinancialramificationsofusgettingmarried.

Neitherofusearnedenoughatthatpointtopayrent,buygroceries,andalsosaveanythingcloseto“real”money.TheonlyhopeIsawwasforustocombinepowers.LivingtogetherinNate’stinyone-bedroomwoulddramaticallyincreaseoursavingsrateandallowustoputsomedistancebetweenusanda$0networth.Yeah,IlovedNateandwantedtospendtherestofmylifewithhim,butIalsosawmarriageasfiscallyprudent.Ifoursalariesweremergedinthesamebankaccount,we’dactuallybeabletoshoreupadecentemergencyfund—aconceptI’drecentlylearnedaboutfrommysecondhandcopyofPersonalFinanceforDummies.Iwasalsovaguelyawarethatweweresupposedtobesavingforretirement,afairlyludicrousconceptwhenyou’reatwenty-three-year-oldstrugglingtobuyfood,butIsawtheeconomizingefficienciesofmarriageasawaytogetusclosertothesedesirable,adultlikeends.AclammypanicwrappeditsfingersaroundmyNate-lovingheart.Nate

balancesoutmyperfectionistneurosis(example:seeaboveparagraph)and

balancesoutmyperfectionistneurosis(example:seeaboveparagraph)andpushesmetobeabetter,moreaccomplishedperson.There’snooneI’dratherspendeverydayofmylifewith.Ievenlikegoinggroceryshoppingwithhimbecausehepretendshe’samodernartcriticwhendiscussingfoodpackagelabels.Nooneelsedoesthat.Ifhedidn’tpropose,notonlywasitgoingtoscrewupmywholelifetrajectory/factthatI’dalreadymadealistofbabynamesthatsoundgoodwithNate’slastname,IalsohadveryreallogisticalconcernscomeAugust31,2007.InJune,NateandItookatriptovisitmyparentsandourcollegefriendswho

stilllivedinourcollegetown.OnourfirstdayinLawrence,Kansas,Natesaidhewantedtotakeawalkaroundcampus.Weheadedoutandhetookabackpackwithhim,whichIthoughtwasoddbecauseheprideshimselfonnevercarryinganything,butheexplaineditwassupposedtorainthatafternoonandthathewasbringinganumbrella.Natewasspeedwalkingand,atsixfoottwo,hehasawayofgettingaheadofme,soIwasrunningtokeepup.HeseemedoddlysweatysoIwonderedwhatwasup.Wasthisasignthathewasondrugs?Sweating,fastwalking,aquickpulse,nervouseyes,andanunexplainedbackpack?Imadeamentalnotetogoogleitlater.WecametoBudig,thebuildingoncampuswiththebiggestlecturehalls,andNatesaidhewantedtogoinsidetousetherestroom.Tododrugs?Iwondered.Hereturnedafewminuteslaterwithajanitorwhounlockedoneofthelecturehallsforus.Nateusheredmeupthestepsandpracticallypushedmeintoachairnearthetopoftheauditorium.ThelightswereoffinhalftheroomsoItwistedinmyseattoseewherealightswitchmightbe.WhenIturnedaround,Natewasdownononeknee,mylategrandmother’sengagementringinhistremblinghandsandhismouthmoving.HewasaskingmesomethingthatIcouldn’tunderstandbecauseIwascryingsohard.Helookednervousandaskediftheseweregoodtearsorbadtears.“Good!”Imanagedtosputter.Heslippedtheringonmyfinger,thewrongoneactually,butthatwasmuchmoreeasilyremediedthanredraftingmyentirelifeplan.Inowunderstoodwherewewere.Theseweretheexactseatswe’dsatinthefirsttimewemetinaJournalism101classthesecondsemesterofourfreshmanyear.Hetoldmelaterhe’dreadapoemhe’dwrittenaboutourlove,butIhavenomemoryofthat.AllIrememberisbeingfilledwithoverwhelmingjoyand,ifI’mhonest,aprettylargeamountofrelief.

3TheTumblersofAdulthood

Iwastwenty-threeyearsoldwithahand-me-downdiamondringonmylefthand,businesscards,andasalarythatwasrealthistime,notamerestipend.Itookmyselfratherseriouslyatthatpointandfeltlikethetumblersofadulthoodwereclickingintoplace.Engagement:click;realjob:click;livingwithNate:click.Iwasonlyforward-looking,alwayspressedintothewind,craningmynecktoseewhatIcouldachievenext,whatmoreIcouldcrossoffofmyunendinglist.Isawthepresentasmyplatformforlaunchingintothefuture,notassomethingwithanymeritofitsown.Therewasnorestingonlaurelsorenjoyingofthemomentforme.NateandIdecidedtorenewtheleaseonhisbasementapartmentinCambridgebecauseitwascheapandconvenientlylocated.Weagreedweneededtosavemoneyforourfuture,anamorphousconcept,butonewhichweknewwouldrequiremorethanthecombined$8,000wehadinthebank.Wewantedtobetogetherandwedidn’tcarethattheonlysunlightinthatapartmentsnakedthroughthepartiallysubterraneanwindowsforaboutanhoureveryafternoon.ItwasliketryingtolineupaStonehengeequinoxtocatchanephemeralrayonyourbareforearm.I’dgrownuphearingmyparents’storiesoftheirfirsthome,whichwasatiny

two-storyinDenverfurnishedwithhand-me-downfurniturefrommygreatuncle’sdentalpracticewaitingroom.Inthesummers,itwassohotintheirunair-conditionedbedroomthattheydraggedtheirmattressdowntothecoolbasement,whichhadaconcretefloorwithadraininthecenter.Nate’sparentsscrimpedforyearstoputadownpaymentontheirfirsthome,anine-hundred-square-foot,brown-carpetedbungalowinMiamiwithabackporchbiggerthantheentirefirstfloor.TheseweretheguidepostsNateandIfollowed.Wehadnoexpectationofhardwoodfloorsornewpaintormatchingsilverware.Wewere

expectationofhardwoodfloorsornewpaintormatchingsilverware.Wewerebothtaughtthatfrugalityiswoventhroughyourearlyyears,thatit’sintegraltohowyoubuildalifetogether.Debtwasn’tsomethingeitherofuseverconsidered.Livinginwealth-saturatedCambridge—hometoHarvard,MIT,andalotoftrustfunds—NateandIrealizedweweren’tdoingasourpeersweredoing.They’dupgradedtotwo-bedroomcondoswithstainlesssteelappliancesandnewlyrefinishedbathrooms.TheyorderedmatchingfurnituretobedeliveredfromWestElmandPotteryBarn,whileNateandIstuckwiththeonce-whitehide-a-bedcouchthat’dbeenintheapartmentwhenhemovedin.WewenttoIKEAinarentedcarfortherestofourfurnitureandassembleditourselves,whichatthetimeImistakenlythoughtwastheheightoffrugality.AmonthafterNateproposed,andamonthbeforeleavingNewYorkCity,I

washiredasadevelopmentassociateinthemajorgiftsdepartmentatWGBH,whichisBoston’sNPRandPBSstationandtheproducerofmanyPBSprograms.SinceI’dstartedindevelopmentafterpickingthatfund-raisingdrop-downoptionforAmeriCorps,Ifiguredthequickestwaytoadvancewastostickwiththesamefield.Iknewtheterminology,Iunderstoodthebasics,andIwasprettygoodatit.Plus,Ihadthegoldenrésumégooseof“oneyearofrelevantexperience.”Ididn’tconsiderfund-raisingmypassion,butIdidn’tactivelydislikeiteither.IwasmoreinterestedinclimbingthroughtheranksandincreasingmysalarythanIwasindoingsomethingI“loved,”becauseIdidn’tthinkdoingsomethingIlovedwouldbringmeanyconventionalrecognitionornotoriety.IwantedpeopletothinkIwassuccessfuland,asfarasIcouldtell,thebestwaytogettherewasthroughacareer.Moretothepoint,Iwasn’tevensurewhatitwasthatIloveddoinginthefirstplace.Ilikedtowrite,butthatdidn’tsoundlikemuchofacareertome.Ithoughtgettingasolidjobwastheconsummateachievement,anddevelopmentassociatewasastepupfromAmeriCorpsdevelopmentassociate.Itdidn’toccurtomethattherewasanyotherpathtofollow.SittinginmyassignedcubicleatWGBH,allIcouldseewasgray.The

patternedfabricofthecubicleenclosurewasgray,theweapons-gradeedgesofmymetalfilingcabinetweregray,myplasticdesktopwasgray,andthewallbehindit,alsogray.Staringattheunforgivingrectangleofmycomputerscreen,Iwastryingtothinkofasynonymfor“generous”whilewritingathank-youlettertoadonor.I’dopenedwith“thankyouforyourgeneroussupport”andIcouldn’tverywellenditwiththoseexactsamewords.Icouldhearmycubicleneighborclackingawayonherkeyboard.Shesoundedsocompetent,sodecisivewitheachkeystroke,andIimaginedherflyingthroughherdailytaskswhileIponderedthemeaningoftheword“generous.”IwonderedifIwastheonlyonewholaboredovereachsentence,consideringitanopus,amonumenttothe

wholaboredovereachsentence,consideringitanopus,amonumenttothecareerIwantedtobuild.Isettledon“meaningfulphilanthropy”andpressed“print.”MyentireyearinNewYorkfeltlikeonelong,heldbreath.Thiswasit;I’dfinallyarrivedintoadulthood.MostMondaysthroughFridaysIsatinmygrayscalecubicleonthesixth

floor,bangingoutthank-youletters,proposals,andreportsonhowourdonors’donationsimpactedtheorganization.ButthesummerafterIstarted,Iwastaskedwithplanningthelogisticsforafund-raisingeventatadonor’ssecondhomeonMartha’sVineyard.I’dneverbeentotheVineyardbefore,butbythispointI’dbeeninsideanumberofunbelievablywealthypeople’shouses,mostlyonBeaconHill.Parachutingintotheupperclassispartofafund-raiser’sjob.AlthoughIwasn’tseniorenoughtoactuallyaskthesepeopleforadonation,myboss,Ellen,whomIworshipped,sometimestookmewithherasasortofnotetaker/possemember.I’marticulate,Idon’ttakeupmuchspace,andIhaveveryneathandwritingandanabilitytocapturedetailsfromaconversation,allvaluedqualitiesinmyprofession.Iputtogetheraninvitationlist,whichentailedtypingoutthehandwritten

namesthedonorfaxedtome,pullinglistsfromourdatabase,andthenmailingouttheinvitations.RSVPstrickledinandIdutifullyrecordedwhetherMr.andMrs.VanDamwouldarrivetogetherorseparately,andthenmadenametagsforeveryonewithaWGBHlogoatthetopthattookmethebetterpartofthreehourstolineupcorrectly.Minutiaewasthebusinessofmydays.Correctlyspelling,andknowing,thatProfessorRochelleM.Daughtrypreferstogoby“Buffy”andthatherinvestmentbankerhusband,inallseriousness,goesby“Bick”wasthecurrencyofmyrole.Iarrangedforacaterer,unsurewhatcanapéswereuntilIgoogledthem,andhopedthatanopenbarwithonlybeerandwinedidn’treekofamiddle-classsuburbanweddingreception(thatbeingmyexperiencewithopenbarsuptothatpoint).UsuallyEllenwastheonetoactuallyattendtheseeventsalongwithherboss,

Win,thevicepresidentofdevelopment,butEllencouldn’tgoanddecidedtosendmeinherstead.Ididnotseethisasagoodthing.Therearesomanyelementstoanevent,allofwhichcangowrong,andallofwhichtheeventplannerisblamedfor.There’samyththatbeinganeventplannerisfunbecauseyougettoattendanevent.ButIfindthatbeinganeventplannerishorrificallystressfulbecauseyouhavetoattendanevent.Alloftheguestsaremunchingthosecanapésandthrowingbackthatfreebeerandwinewhileyou’restress-sweatingthroughyourinconspicuousdress,prayingthatthesoundsystemdoesn’tcracklewhentheopeningremarksbegin,feigningpoliteconversation,andwonderingwhyonthisgreenearthyoudidn’twearflatsasyoushiftyourweightfromthefrontofyourhighheelstothebacktryingtodecompressyourtoesduringyourfourthhourstraightofstandingonaconcretefloor(everyfloor

toesduringyourfourthhourstraightofstandingonaconcretefloor(everyfloorfeelslikeconcreteafterstandingonitforfourhoursstraightinhighheels).Despitemyfeelingsonallthat,Icouldn’tverywellsayIwouldn’tgo.SoItriedtoconvincemyselfitwasachancetoimpressmyboss’sboss—thedoyenneoffund-raising,beautiful,stylish,andimmaculateinspeechandwrittenword—Win.ThreeweekstotheeventandIalreadyhadsweatypalmsandnightmaresof

metopplingapyramidofwineglassesatacrucialfund-raisingjuncture.ItwasdecidedWinandIwouldarriveseparately,soIleftmyapartmentat6a.m.onthemorningoftheeventtoallowenoughtimetowalktotheTstation,takethetraindowntown,transfertoanothertrain,walkafewmoreblocks,rideabustotheferrystation,taketheferryovertheoceantotheVineyard,andthentakeacabtothedonor’s(second)homeon“theisland”(asit’sknownbythoseintheknow,whichwasmostcertainlynotme).Iquiteliketravelingalonesowhilebumpingacrosstheoceanontheferry,

withtheAugustsunonmyfaceandsaltysprayhittingmypowderednose,IforgotwhereIwasgoingandrelaxedintoit,smilingforamomentbeforeself-inducedpre-eventpanicweigheddownthecornersofmymouthintothegrimlinethatconstitutedmyeventface.IturnedawayfromtheferryrailingandwalkedinsidetheboattositonalowbenchwhereIcouldobsessivelycheckthespellingonthenametagsinmybag—notthattherewasanythingIcoulddoaboutanerroratthispoint,being,asIwas,ontheopenocean.WhenthecabdriverpulleduptotheaddressI’dgivenhim,Iwascertainhe’d

gottenitwrong.Similartomyarrivalatmygraffiti-ladenBrooklynwalk-up,thepropertyinfrontofmedidnotmeetexpectations.Ourdonorshaddescribedthis—theirsummerhome—as“alittleVineyardcottage.”Innowaywere“cottage”or“little”thetermsI’duse.AsIclimbedoutofthecabinmysundressandsneakers,whichI’dwornonaccountofthemanyblocksIhadtowalkduringmythree-hourtrektogetthere,Istoodbacktotakeintheestatesoaringbeforeme.Iwalkeduptothecarvedwoodenfrontdoor,reminiscentofaFrankLloydWrightmasterpiece,andhopedIwasintherightplacesincetherewasnowayIcouldhailacabonthissecludedstreet,andIdidn’thavecellreception.Feelinglikeadisheveled,overagedGirlScout,Iknocked.Thedonorscould

nothavebeenmoregraciousastheygavemeatourofthegroundsandfedmelunch.Mercifullythecaterershowedupontime.Idraggedanot-too-priceless-lookingtableinthemassivefoyer(largerthanmyapartment)intoserviceasmyname-tagcommandcenter.Therewereseveralhourstogountiltheevent.Havingalreadysetupthechairs,arrayedthehandouts,andorganizedthenametagsalphabetically,Iawkwardlyloiteredinthedonors’cavernouskitchen,wherethey’dtoldmeto“eatanythingyoulike.”Ifurtivelytookabottleofwater

wherethey’dtoldmeto“eatanythingyoulike.”Ifurtivelytookabottleofwaterandanapplebecausetheyweretheclosestitemstomeandtheonlythingsthatwouldn’tinvolvemediggingthroughtheir$20,000refrigerator;which,bytheway,Icouldn’tfindfortenminutesonaccountofthefactthattheexteriorwashandcraftedwoodtomatchtherestofthecabinetry.Ihadnoideapeoplehadhandcraftedrefrigeratorexteriors.IputtheemptybottleofwaterandtheapplecoreintomybackpackbecauseIcouldn’tfindatrashcan,figuringitwasprobablycustom-builtintoawallsomewhere.Winarrivedasscheduled,anhourbeforekickoff,andItookthatopportunity

toslipintotheguestbathroomandchangemyclothes.I’dbroughtmy“eventoutfit”withme,asleeveless,knee-length,blackAnnTaylordresswithapleatatthebackandademureneckline,whichIworetoeverysingleoneofthesedreadfulthings.Iputonastrandoffauxpearls.Ithinkofthisastheuniformoffund-raisingprofessionalsbecauseit’sclassicenoughthatitcouldbesomethingreallyexpensive,butplainenoughthatitdoesn’tstandout,soyou’reunlikelytoupstageoroffendanydonors,anditworksinallfourseasons.It’sthevanillaicecreamconeoffund-raisingevents.OrsoI’dthought.Iwasnowmelting,inbothaphysicalandanemotionalsense,fromthefollowingcombinationofissues:itwasAugustontheVineyard;Iwasaloneataneventwithmyboss’sboss;andIwastheonewho’dselectedthefood,madethehandouts,gonewithonlybeerandwine,andspelledallthenamesonthenametags.AftermoppingoffmysweatyselfwithtoiletpaperandapplyingasmuchdeodorantandmakeupasIdeemedlogisticallypossible,Islippedoutandstationedmyselfbehindmyname-tagtable.Astreamofpastellinenbegantoarrive.Thefoyerwasstartingtoresemblea

RalphLaurenadcampaignoffitgrandparentswithyellowsweaterstiedaroundpink-polo-shirtednecksalongsideafloralLillyPulitzermagazinespreadwithafewstragglerswho’dveryclearlywalkedstraightoffofagolfcourse.Notaspeckofblackfabricamongthem.Istoodlikeanout-of-placebeaconbehindmytable,theyoungestpersonintheroombyagoodthirtyyearsandtheonlyoneinaformaldressandheels,withmyhairpulledintoanunfortunate,severebunonaccountofaninabilitytocopewithfrizziness.RidiculousasIfelt,IknewwhatIwasdoing.I’dmemorizedasmanyfacesaspossibleaheadoftime(thankyou,google)sothatIcouldgreetguestsbyname,bypreferrednicknameatthat,andhandthemtheirtagswhilegesturingtowardthecaterwaiterholdingaplatterofsomethingvaguelyshrimpliketomyright.IwonderedifIcouldhidebehindthename-tagtablefortheentiretyoftheeventbecauseIdreadedwalkingintotheclusterofbillionairesstationedinthecircularlivingroomunderneaththetimber-framedskylightrotunda.WinjabbedaglassofwhitewineintomyhandandIwonderedwhatIwas

WinjabbedaglassofwhitewineintomyhandandIwonderedwhatIwassupposedtodowithit.Pretendtodrinkit?Pouritintoaplant?Holditaloftandtrytoexudecasualwealth?IdecidedtometeouttinysipsoverthetwohoursoftheeventinthehopesthatthiswaswhatapersonwassupposedtodowithaglassofwhitewineontheVineyard.Iexhaledwithreliefwhenthecatererhadaquestionforme.Ihurriedintothekitchenwithher,hopingWinthoughtIlookedindustriousandcapable,andthatImightsomehowbeabletostayinthereforthenexthourorso.Astheeventdrewtoaclose,andnothingcataclysmictranspired,Iwondered

whyI’denduredsomuchanxietyoverwhatamountedtoacocktailpartywithafewremarks.Forthefirsttimeever,Iquestionedwhatthepurposeofmyjobwas.Tofacilitatesocialeventsamongreallyrichpeoplewhomostlyalreadyknewoneanother,inthehopesthattheymightonedaywriteusacheck?Iwasrelievedit’dgonesmoothly,butIwasn’tsureIfeltanysenseofpersonalaccomplishment.ItwasmorethatI’ddonewhatmybosshadaskedmetodo.I’dexecutedastraightforwardlistoftasks.Pressingmybackagainstthedonor’sdesignerwallpaper(whoknewthatwasathing)justtotherightofaPicasso,clutchingmyemptywineglassnowfusedtomypalmviasweat,Ifeltasenseofvertigo.Ienvisioneddecadesofmedoingtheseevents,ofgraduallyinchingtowardtheageofmostofourdonors,ofeventuallyprogressingtoEllen’slevel,andthentoWin’s,andIwonderedwhatthepointwas.WouldIeverfeellikeIwasdoingsomethingmeaningfulandnotjustincurringever-higherlevelsofanxiety?It’snotlikeI’dchangedanyone’slifeorcreatedsomethinglastingorprofound.Ispentmostofmywakinghoursatmyjobandafterthisharrowingfifteen-hourday,whichultimatelyresultedinnothingconcreteIcouldpointtoasanachievement,Istartedtoquestionwhy.IwasproudoftheworkNPRandPBSdid,andIbelieveddeeplyinthe

missionofWGBH,ofbringingunbiasednewsandinformationtopeople.ButIwashavingahardtimeseeingmyowncontributionstothatwhole.IwasasmallcoginamammothcorporatemachineandIdidn’tfeellikemyworkhadanimpactthatmeantanythingtotheoverarchingendresult.Mythank-youlettersandmynametagsseemedlikenothingmorethanstacksofpaperpeoplepushedasideastheyreachedforthemoreimportantthingsoftheirlives.Ididn’tsufferself-aggrandizementandIknewWGBHwouldkeepongoingwithoutme.It’snotlikeNPRwouldgoofftheairwithoutmeoccupyingmydevelopmentassociatecubicle.Iwantedsobadlytoclimbthatproverbialladder,butthiseventhadmequestioningwhy,andifIcouldslogthroughanotherfewdecadesofnametagsinordertogetpromotedtoapositionthatwouldcompriseacrucialelementofthesystem.WouldIeverderivepersonalsatisfactionfromthistypeofwork?Frombeingaworkerbeefocusedonimprovingsomeoneelse’shive?

ofwork?Frombeingaworkerbeefocusedonimprovingsomeoneelse’shive?I’dalwayspicturedmyselfaspartofateam,assomeonewithanamebadgeandanidentitydefinedbywhereIworked,andbywhatIdid.ButIwasstartingtoquestionifthatwaswhatIactuallywantedtodowithmytime.Iwasunfulfilled.Iwasinturmoil.WinandIleftthedonors’hometogetherinacabandthencaughttheferry

backtothemainland.Sittingsidebysideintheplasticchairsthatmakeupthefrontrowoftheboat,facingawindowoverlookingthedarkeningskyabovetheocean,Isensedanopportunity.Winwasn’treadingorlookingatherphoneandwe’dalreadydebriefedtheeventduringourcabride.IdecidedthiscouldbewhatImentallytermeda“careeradvancementconversation,”sinceitwasrareIhadtimealonewiththebossofmyboss.Emboldenedbythatsolitaryglassofwineonanemptystomach—andwhile

inhalingthealmondsI’dpackedinmybagsinceIthoughtitwouldberudetoeatcanapésduringtheevent—IaskedWinsomethingalongthelinesof,“Howdoyoumeasuresuccessinyourlife?”Isaidtheword“life,”Irememberveryclearly,butIassumedshe’ddiscusshowshemeasuredsuccessinhercareer.Winexudesconfidenceandprofessionalism,andIthoughtofherandEllenasmyultimatecareerdestination.WhatIhopedwasthatwe’dsteerthisaroundtodiscussinghowIcouldadvanceandfindfulfillmentinmycareer.Wintoldmeshemeasuredherlifethroughherpersonalsuccesses;throughthe

milestonesinherfamilyandtheiraccomplishments.Shewentontoexplainthatultimately,youhavetolookoutsideofyourjobinordertocreateawell-roundedlife.HerreplywastheonlythingIhadn’timaginedhersaying.I’dassumedthateverythingwouldcomefrom,andthrough,myjob.Collegehadfilledthatrole,asit’dgivenmeapurpose,asocialoutlet,volunteerwork,theopportunityforaccolades,acommunity—ithadconstitutedmyentirelife.I’dbeentryingtoengineermyjobtoservethatsamefunction,andnowIhadconfirmationthatitwasn’tevergoingtodothat.BetweenWin’swordsandmyfeelingsofdisappointmentaftertheevent,Ifeltunmoored.ThisthingI’dheldupasmyparagon,myultimategoal—mycareer—wasturningouttobequiteabitlessinspiring,exciting,andholisticthanI’dimagined.Afewweekslater,asIreadovermyto-dolistoneWednesdaymorninginmy

cubiclewithStarbucksinhand,Islumpeddownintomyergonomicofficechair,tappingmyredpatentleatherflatsagainsttheplasticmatthechairrolledaroundon.Thislistcould’vebeenfromsixmonthsagoorevenayear.Ihadatontodo,butIjustkepttogglingdownmylistfromtoptobottom,andthenbottomtotop,vainlytryingtodivinesomepurpose,somemeaningfromallthisinterminablebusyworkthatIwassupposedtodo.Myjobhadevolvedintoanexerciseinrepetition.Suretherewasvariation,butessentially,Ididthesamethingsover

repetition.Suretherewasvariation,butessentially,Ididthesamethingsoverandoverandoveragain:assistmybossesinaskingfordonations,thankdonorsformakingdonations,stewardthosedonations,thenaskthosesamedonorsforanotherdonation,andrevupthegristmillalloveragain.Itwasanendlessloopofdevelopmentassociatedéjàvu.I’dhadthisjobforonlyayearandahalfandIhadnoideahowI’ddoitforthenextforty.Worsestill,bythetimeIgothomeeverynightIwasexhaustedanddidn’t

havetheenergytodoanythingremotelycreativeorinteresting.MostdaysIwenttoayogaclassrightafterwork,thenNateandIatedinnerwhilesittingonoursecondhandcouch(lackingaswewereinatableandchairs),andthenitwastimeforbed.Weekendsweren’tmuchbetterbecausetheymostlyconstitutedaracetoprepareforthenextweek:groceryshopping,errands,cleaningthehouse,preparingmealsfortheweek,doingthelaundry.WhenwasIsupposedtofigureoutwhatIwaspassionateabout?WhenwouldIdosomethingthatmattered?Wherewasthespaceinmylifetouncoverdeepermeaning?Didadeepermeaningevenexistforuninteresting,realpeoplelikeme?Istartedwalkingovertotheofficecafeteriaat10a.m.everymorningtobuya

coffeeandagainat3p.m.foramuffin,justforsomethingtodo,somethingtobreakupwhatwasbecomingmymonochromaticworkday.NateandIgotmarriedthatsummerandwiththeweddingbehindus,IfeltlikeIhadnothinglefttolookforwardto.IhadeverythingI’dwanted,namelyahusbandandacareer,butIdidn’tknowhowI’dmaintainthisroutineandthismonotonyfortherestofmylife.Iwaspromotedtoseniordevelopmentassociate,accompaniedbyaraise,and

decidedtostartgettingmyhaircutatachicsaloninHarvardSquarethatawomaninmyofficerecommended.Theymassagedmyneck,broughtmeherbaltea,washedmyhair,andcutandstyledit,forjust$120.ThefactthatIusedtoeatforanentiremonthonthatsamedollaramountdidn’tregisteratthetime.Iworkedhard,soIreasonedIdeservedtotreatmyself.Whatwasthepointofthisjobotherwise?ItoldNateheshouldbuythestereoequipmenthewanted,wegotThaitakeouteveryThursdaynight,andwentouttodinnereverySaturday.Thislifestyleinflationweslowlylayeredondidn’tfeellikeanythingnoteworthyatthetime.Afterall,wewerestillwaymorefrugalthaneveryoneelseweknew.Wedidn’thaveanydebt,welivedinthatdungeonlikebasement,andwetookourlunchestoworkeveryday.Nevertheless,ourexpenseswererisingmonthaftermonth.I’dheardthephrase“lifestylecreep,”butIdidn’tthinkitappliedtoNateandme.Theproblemwasthatspendingallthismoneydidn’tmakemefeelanybetter.

Itdidn’tgetmeanyclosertofeelinglikeIhadapurpose.Imeanitwasnice,butIrealizedthatasidefromthebasicimprovementsitprovidedoflivinginasafe

Irealizedthatasidefromthebasicimprovementsitprovidedoflivinginasafeneighborhood(withanin-unitwasher/dryer)andanabilitytobuyhealthygroceries,thisextraspendingwasn’tincreasingmyhappinessatall.IthoughtNateandIneededtoaimhighersowedecidedtobuyahouse.Orrather,tosaveuptoonedaybuyahouse.Thatgaveusagoal,along-termjointprojectthatwecoulddiscussandplanforandworkontogether.NateandIareatourbestwhenwe’recollaborating,andbuyingahouseinoneofthemostexpensiverealestatemarketsintheworldwasadarngoodproject.Westartedgoingtoopenhouseseveryweekendtogiveourdreamsome

substance.Wecouldn’taffordasinglethingonthemarketinCambridge,buttheknowledgethatourmoneywasgoingtowardsomethingtangiblemadeallthedifference.IstillgotmyfancyhaircutandwestillorderedThaitakeouteveryweek,butwethoughttwicebeforegoingoutfordrinksorshoppingatWholeFoods.Whenwefirstmovedintogether,I’dmanagedtosave$2,000ofmy$10,000AmeriCorpsstipendandNatehad$6,000inthebank.Sharingthiscrystallizedgoalofahomehadatremendousimpactonourfinancialbehavior.In2008alone,wesaved$29,100ofourcombinedtake-homesalaryof$69,730,whichgaveusasavingsrateofforty-twopercent.Fortwotwenty-four-year-olds,weweredoingprettywell.Wemadealotofmoneyforourageandwemanagedtosavealotofmoneyforourage.Inretrospect,wecould’vesavedevenmore,butsincewewerestillunawareofthepowersofextremefrugality,thiswasprettydecent.Wewereonamission.Inaweeklystaffmeetingthatfall,Ichoseachaironthefarsideofthe

conferenceroomsothatIcouldstareoutthewindowoverlookingtheparkinggarage,whichwasabetterviewthantheblankwhiteboardontheoppositewall.Ialwaysgottomeetingsearly,notbecauseIwaskeen,butbecauseIwantedtopickmyseat.Plus,itwasaneasywaytobrownnose.Iwassizingupmycolleaguesaroundthetable,wonderinghowtheyalldidit.Howtheylookedsoengagedandgenuinelyinterestedinwhatwewerediscussing.Iwaspretendingtotakenotesinordertostayawakeand,sinceIhavesuchneathandwriting,IrealizedanyonecouldreadwhatIwaswriting,sittingjammedupnexttoeachotherasweweresothateveryonecouldhaveanequalplaceatthetableanddidn’thavetohugthewallinafoldingchair.IwrotedowneveryotherwordWinwassayingwhilethinkingaboutwhereNateandIshouldgotodinnerthatSaturday.ThenIheardWinsaytheword“layoff.”Irearedmyheadupandwondered

whatweweretalkingabout.Whyhadn’tIbeenlistening?!Shewentontoexplainthateverydepartmentwasbeingrequiredbymanagementtolayoffaspecified,butundisclosedtous,numberofpeople.Mybodytemperaturerocketedandmyfaceburnedwithanxiety.ThelasttimeIfeltthislevelof

rocketedandmyfaceburnedwithanxiety.ThelasttimeIfeltthislevelofconcerninpublicwaswhenIalmostfelloffachairinfrontofmyentirefifth-gradeclass,boysincluded,whiletackingupmydrawingofaleaftothebulletinboard.IwascementedtomyswivelchairandclampedmyeyesonWin,mypenfrozenmidwordabovemynotebook.Iwasafraidtoglancearoundtheroom,thinkingthatmightimplicatemesomehow.Don’tguiltypeopleavoideyecontact?Ordotheymakeeyecontact?!?Eitherway,Idecidedthebestcourseofactionwastoremainstationary.I

whirredthroughallofmytransgressions:beinglateonoccasion,missingeditsinletters,forgettingtosigndonorfilesoutofthefileroom;butmostofall,mostdangerousanddamningofallwastheclawing,growingapathyIfeltaboutmyjob.Wasitobvious?Didmybossesknowmyinnerthoughts?HadIletthemseepout,unfiltered,inwordorindeed?Whenthemeetingended,everyonefiledoutsilently,likeyoudoatafuneralwhenitseemsboorishtomakesmalltalk.Ilookedatmyfeetandhidinmycubiclefortherestoftheafternoon,gossipingcovertlywithmycolleagues,whichwashardtodosinceourcubiclesweren’toffices.Aweeklater,Nate’sbossmadeasimilarannouncementandthatnight,I

stewedinourcombinationlivingroom/foyer/laundryroomwhiledrinkingTraderJoe’simitationprosecco.Ishouldn’thavebeensurprised.Itwas2008andallthenewsevertalkedaboutwastheGreatRecession.Untilnow,it’dseemedlikeaproblemforotherpeopleinotherplaceswithotherjobs.IwasgratefulNateandIhadsetourgoalofbuyingahousebecauseitmeantwehadabunchofmoneysavedup.Unlikealltheseinvestmentbankerswekepthearingaboutwho’dlivedpaychecktoenormouspaycheck,NateandIcouldaffordtoloseourjobsbutstilleatandpayrent.Wecalculatedwecouldlastatleastayearwithouteitherofusbeingemployed,andprobablylonger.Butitwasn’tthemoneythatIwasmostworriedabout.Itwastheshame.How

wouldIwalkoutofmyofficewithmyframedweddingphotosandstashofdesksnacksinacardboardprinterpaperboxandadmittoeveryonethatI’dbeentheonelaidoff?ThatIwastheworstemployee?WhatwouldIdo?Nocompanieswerehiring,andit’snotlikeIhaddecadesofillustriousexperiencetofallbackon.IcalledmyparentsandaskedifwecouldmoveinwiththemifjobArmageddonhappenedandtheysaidofcourse.I’maworst-casescenario-ist,butalsoapragmaticplanner.Ineededcontingencies.EverytimeEllencalledmeintoherofficeforthenextfewweeks,Iwas

certainthiswasitforme.OneafternoonIheardhercallingmynameandIjustdidn’tmove.Icouldfeelsweatinunfortunateplaces.Afteraself-indulgentminuteofallowingmyshortcareertoflashbeforemyeyes,Istoodupand,readytopassout,walkedwhatfeltlikeaperpwalkthetenfeettoheroffice.Turnsout,I’doverreacted,asperfectionistsarewonttodo,andneitherNate

Turnsout,I’doverreacted,asperfectionistsarewonttodo,andneitherNatenorIgotlaidoff.Butitscaredus.Theideathatourjobscouldbepulledoutfromunderuswithlittlewarningusheredinanewwayofthinkingaboutmoney.Ourparentshadraiseduswiththeassumptionthatjobsaresecure,thattheyprovideforyouandthatifyouworkhard,you’llalwaysbefine.Itdidn’tfeellikethatwastherealityanymore.Anditwasn’t.Westartedtosaveevenmoreofourtake-homepayeverymonth.Justincase.Backincollege,mylifechangedeverysemesterandI’dthrivedonthat

diversity.Now,I’dbeeninthesamejobforthreeyears,we’dbeenlivinginthesamebasementapartmentforthreeyears,andIwantedsomethingdifferent.Inmyinfinitewisdom,Idecidedthesolutionwastogotograduateschool.Sincecollegehadbeensuchacomplete,whollysatisfyingexperienceforme,Iwantedtore-createit,toregressintothecomfortofstudentlife.Ialsosawamaster’sdegreeasahedgeagainstpotentialfuturelayoffscenariossinceI’dbemoresenior,witharicherrésuméandanMAaftermyname.Igoadedmyselfonwiththepromisethatitwasanotherthingtoachieve,anothergoldstar.AnotherexternalaccoladeIcouldstashawayinmyarsenalofemptysuccessesthatIassumedwouldsomehow,somedaytransmuteintohappiness.NateandIlikedCambridge,alotmorethanBrooklynorKansas,butwe

cravedadventure.We’dbeentravelingabroadforvacationseveryyearovertheThanksgivingweek(becauseinternationalflightsarecheapthen),butthatwasn’tenough.Wewantedtotestoutlivinginanewcity.Washington,DC,seemedlikethebestcandidate.IthaduniversitieswhereIcouldgotogradschool;itwasurban,whichwaswhatwewerenowaccustomedto;andNate’sorganizationwasinterestedinsendinghimtheretobetheirCapitolHillpresence.IdidsomeresearchandlearnedIcouldgotogradschoolforfreeifIworkedfulltimeatauniversity.SinceIhadzerointentionofgoingintodebtforthefirsttimeever,thatsoundedperfect.IwasgettinginthehabitofupandmovinganytimeIwantedachange,butitdidn’tbothermebecauseIwasyoungandwantedtoexperimentwithlivingindifferentplaces,withdifferentiterationsofmyself.NateandIweretwenty-six,unencumbered,andunsureofhowwewantedtospendtherestofourlives.Itwastimeforustomoveon.

4ADifferentKindofGrindstone

Onawarm,breezySaturday,May15,2010,NateandImovedintoarented,historical,furnishedtownhouseinthetree-linedCapitolHillneighborhoodofWashington,DC.We’dthrownofftheconfinementofourbasementapartmentandtakenonafairlypriceytwo-storyhousefornobetterreasonthanbecausewethoughtwedeservedit.Ourbuying-a-housegoal,whilestillpresent,hadrecededindeferencetothisnewtrajectorywe’dputourselveson.I’dsecuredwhatI’dsetouttosecure:Iworkedfulltimeasafund-raiserforAmericanUniversityandthenwalkedacrosscampustomymastersofpublicadministrationgraduateclassesalmosteverynight,whichsometimeslasteduntil11p.m.Iwashustling.Iwasahardworker.Iwasmiserable.Therewerebrightorangeflecksofpowderstucktothecornersofeachpagein

myManagementTheorytextbook.I’dreadasection,takeafewnotes,highlightasentence,theneatanotherCheeto.Afterscrapingthefinaldregsofimitationcheeseandcrumblefromtherecessesofthebag,ImovedontotheDoritossittingunderneaththedeskinourguestbedroom.WhenIwasn’ttakingaweekendclass,Iwasholedupinthisroomstudying,withbagsofjunkfoodI’dwalkto7-EleventobuyonFridaynightsbecauseIwastooembarrassedtoputthemonourregulargrocerylist.Ididn’twantNatetoknowhowmuchofthisstuffIwaseating.Ican’tsaythatIcaredwhatIwaslearningingradschool;Ijustwantedtoput

MAonmyrésumébecauseIfeltinadequatewithoutit.Noonetoldmetodo

MAonmyrésumébecauseIfeltinadequatewithoutit.Noonetoldmetodothis.NeitherofmybossesatWGBHsaidI’dearnmoreifIgotamaster’s,andthere’snodirectcorrelationtoadvancinginthefieldoffund-raising.ButwhenIpannedmyofficeinBoston,IsawthatalmosteveryoneabovemehadanMAofsomesort,rangingfromSpanishlanguagetovocalperformancetobusiness.Andmydad,whohadasuccessfulcareerasafund-raiserforcollegesanduniversities,hasaPhD.Ifeltlikeapseudointellectualwithoutamaster’sdegree.Cambridge,hometoHarvardandMIT(nottomentionthe9,109,034other

universitiesintheBostonarea),hasoneofthehighestconcentrationsofpeoplewithadvanceddegreesinthecountry.Livingthere,IwasembarrassedbymyprovincialBAfromauniversitythatnooneintheNortheasthadeverheardofbefore,unlesstheywerecollegebasketballfans.Iwantedtoprovemyselfacademicallyanddecidedthatexcellingatmyjobalonewouldn’tbeenoughforwhatIenvisioned:arapidlyascendingcareercommandingrespect,ahighsalary,andgoodclothes.Nevermindmydisenchantmentwiththiscareer;Istillsawitastheonlywaytothetop.WhatIwasgoingtodoonceIgottothisvague“top”remainedamysterytome.Halfwaythroughmydegreeprogram,I’dphysicallyandmentallyexhausted

myselfand,whilecompulsivelyeatinggrapesinordertostayawakeduringan8p.m.to11p.m.nonprofitmanagementclassoneThursdaynight,IrealizedI’ddonethewrongthing.I’dwantedtodowhatotherpeoplethoughtwasimpossible,workfulltime

whilegoingtoschoolfulltime,andnowthatIwasintheexactmiddleofit,IfeltlikeIcouldn’tbackout.Icouldnotabidethesunkcosts.I’dgottenthisjobexpresslyforthepurposeofearningfreetuition.NateandIhadmovedtoDCexpresslyforthepurposeofmegoingtothisschool.Ididn’tseeanyoptionexcepttoslogthroughtotheend.Ihatebeingwrong,

sowhenNatesuggestedIbailongradschool,Iscreamedthathedidn’tunderstandme.Themorehetriedtoprymeaway,thedeeperIsunkmyfangsintomychoice,likeadefensive,stubbornleech.Ourtownhousewasalmostanhourawayfromcampus,soitwaseasierforme

tospendmoreandmoretimethereand,asaconsequence,awayfromNate.He,andeverythingelseIusedtoenjoy,likeyoga,takingwalks,andsleepinganormalnumberofhourseverynight,feltlikeadistractionfrommygoalofgettingstraightAswhileholdingdownmyjob.IhadtostartpaintingmyfingernailseverySundaynightsothatIwouldn’tfranticallyripthemoffasIstudiedonthetrainintoworkeverymorning.TheonlytimeIsawNatewastoargueoverwhoshouldorderthegroceriesthatweek.Givinguponactuallygoingtothestore,wenowpaidStop&Shoptobringthemupourfrontsteps.Finally,Natestartedmakingtheorderwithoutaskingmetoavoidthefight

Finally,Natestartedmakingtheorderwithoutaskingmetoavoidthefightaltogether.MymomanddadcametovisitusforChristmasthatyearbecausewehadan

actualguestroomforthemtosleepin.Iwassoproudtohosttheminourhomeandnotinabelowgroundone-bedroomthathadforcedthemtostayinahotel.Iwasthrilledtoshowthemthismetricofmaturity:“Look!Aguestroom!”Whiletheywereintown,IaskedmymomtogotoKohl’swithmebecauseIneededbiggerclothes,whichIdidn’twanttoadmittoanyone,butwasalsotoodepressedtobuyalone.Sincemymomisthepersonwhotookmeonthemostembarrassingshoppingtripofmyentirelife—tobuymyfirstbra—IfeltlikeshewastheonlyoneIcouldtrust.IknewIwasgainingweight,butIrationalizeditalongwitheverythingelse:ithadtowaituntilafterIgraduated.Themoregradschoolstressedmeoutandcrunchedmytime,themoremoneywespent.NateandIweregrowinglessreliantoneachother,andmorereliantonmoneytosolveourproblems.Andthemorewepaidfor,thelesswecommunicatedandcollaborated.GoingouttodinnertogetheronSaturdaynightsbecameoneoftheonlymealsweshared.Therewasn’ttimeforthetwoofus,betweenmyschoolscheduleandtherotaofcocktailpartiesNatewasexpectedtoattendforhisjob.IkepttellingmyselfthateverythingwouldbedifferentwhenIgraduated.Everythingwouldbefinethen.Ayearintothisinhumanschedule,Nateaskedmetogohikingwithhimone

Saturdaymorning.Irolledmyeyesandretortedsomethingalongthelinesof,“SureI’dlovetogohikingwhilestudyingformyeconquizandwritingapaperonpublicadministrationpolicy.”Hedidn’treplyandjustlookeddownathishands,spreadoutonthediningroomtableinfrontofhim,enclosinghiscoffeemuginthetrianglecreatedbyhisthumbsandforefingers.Hewashurt.Agulfhadgrownbetweenusthewholetimewe’dbeeninDC.Itwasatoxicplaceforus.Asidefrommyownterriblework/schooldecision,DCasacultureoperatesonhowpowerfulyoucanmakeyourselfseem.Wefoundittobeaconformistpressurecookerwithfewextracurriculars

beyondself-promotion.LivingthereandworkinginthefoodprocessorofpoliticswasgrindingNatedown.Hecouldn’teventakerefugeinthecocoonofourmarriageanymorebecauseIwasneveraround.Beyondgradschoolbeingthewrongchoice,DCwasthewrongchoiceforus.Beforemovingthere,I’dthoughtwewereahard-chargingpowercoupledestinedtoclimbourrespectivecorporateladders.WewouldbedrivenbyourAmericanexceptionalism.Butafteractuallylivingthatway,Irealizedwewerelaid-backmidwesternerswhoappreciateauthenticityandsolitude,twothingsDClacksingrossproportions.Wedidn’tbelongthere.SoIcapitulatedandagreedtogohiking,eventhough

trompingaroundinsometick-infestedwoodssoundedlikeabouttheworstuseofmytimeimaginable.I’dprobablygetLymedisease,whichIhopedNatewouldfeelreallyguiltyabout.IhadtowearoneofNate’sexerciseshirtsonaccountoftheweightI’d

gained.Ipassive-aggressivelystudiedinthefrontseatasNatedrovetoatrailheadinRockCreekPark,theforestincongruouslysmackinthemiddleofurbanDC.Assoonaswegotoutofthecar,Istartedaninnermonologuecenteredaroundthethemeofwhatagiganticwasteoftimethishikerepresented.Ineededtostudyandifnotstudy,dosomelaundry,whichwasburstingoutof

thesmallhampersittingnexttomydresserinourbedroom.Wait,maybeIshouldjustbuyalargerhamper?Howlongcandirtylaundrysitbeforemoldgrows?CouldIskippartofthereadingformytheoryclassonMondayorwouldthatmessupmyparticipationgrade?MaybeIcouldmakesomegeneralcommentarytomakeitsoundlikeI’ddonethereading.IwonderifmybossthinksIshould’veaskedthatdonorforabiggergift?IcannotbelieveIamwalkingaroundthesewoodswhenIhaveaneconquizonTuesday.Thishikewasnotonmyeighteen-pointlistfortodayandIhavenoideahowI’mgoingtocramitallinbeforeworkonMonday.Andlunches!Ihavetomakemylunchesforthisweek.Andpaintmynails.Inurturedthiswithering,silentdiatribeforatleastthefirstfortyminutesof

thehike.Butafterawhile,Istartedtoforgetaboutmyself.Istartedtoallowthehiketoovertakemeintheall-encompassingwaythatonlythenaturalworldcanmanage.Natureisresoluteinitsage,itssplendor,anditsabsenceofconcernovermytriflinglittlelife.Ifyoueverwanttoknowthetruesizeofthings,gowalkinthewoodsforafewhours.Iliftedmyheadinsteadofstaringdownatmyfeet,whichwerestumblingoverrootsandrocks.Ilookedupintothecanopyofspringwheregreenleavesandblossomsweresuspendedoverhead.Ibegantothinkaboutmybreathing,therhythmicinhalationsandexhalationstimedwithmyfeetsteppingoneinfrontoftheother.Iwasexhausted,stressed,andoutofshape.ButIcouldsetthatasiderightnowandthinkonlyaboutwalkingthroughthisforest.Ilookedoutintothedensepolesofhardwoodsandsoftwoods.Itwassilentexceptforcreatures—squirrels,chipmunks,birds—scuttlingthroughtheundergrowth.NateandIcrossedstreams.Wecouldn’theartraffic,wecouldn’tseebuildings,wescarcelysawanotherperson.RockCreekParkisaperfectbeginner’shike;wewerebasicallyonaflattrailthroughsomewoodstheentiretime.Iwasmesmerizedbythebeautyandsimplicityoftreesgrowingoutofsoilandthenstayingputinthatonespot:observant,omniscient,andwithoutjudgment.Afteranhourandahalfonthetrail,Ibegancryingwithrelief.Ihadn’tknown

howbadlyIneededthisreprievefrommystress.Mylegsached;Iwassweating,

howbadlyIneededthisreprievefrommystress.Mylegsached;Iwassweating,breathinghard;andIcouldfeelablisterformingonmyleftlittletoe,butIwasovercomewithasenseofcalm.Iwaswhollyfocusedonmybody’smechanicsandthesilenceofthewoodssurroundingme.Ifeltanabsenceofpressureforperhapsthefirsttimeinmylife,certainlyforthefirsttimesincemovingtoDC.IwantednothingwhileIwasonthetrail.Ididn’tneedtoimpressanyone.Ididn’tneedtodoanythingbutwalk.Whenweloopedbacktoourcar,Iwasalreadyfillingwiththefeveredenthusiasmofaconvert,sowesetoffonanothercircuit.Bythetimewedrovehomethatevening,watchingdusksettleoverman-mademonumentstopower,whichseemedpointlessandprofligateinaworldthatcontainshundred-year-oldtrees,allIhadtosaywas,“Canwedothiseveryweekend?”Idon’tthinkit’sanoverstatementtocallhikingmysalvation.NateandItextedeachotherallweeklongaboutwherewewantedtohikeon

Saturday.Itwasthefirsttimeinyearsthatwe’dsharedtheintimacyandurgencyofacommongoal.WekeptourwordandwenttoGreatFallsParkinVirginiathatSaturday,andtoSkyMeadowstheSaturdayafterthat.WediscoveredtheShenandoahNationalForest,whichisjustafewhoursfromDC,andstartedmakingourwaythroughitstrailsystem.Aftermasteringtheflathikes,webeganclimbingmountains.Wetransformedintootherpeopleontheweekends.Weescapedthetension

andanxietyofDCpolitics,ofwork,ofschool.WeweresimplyNateandLiz,reliantonourbodiesandeachothertoscalemountains.Aftertwomonthsofhikingeveryweekend,wedecidedwewerereadyforOldRag,aninfamouslychallengingnine-mileloopofrockscrambleswith2,415feetofelevationgain.Weweren’tsurewewerephysicallyready,butwewantedtodoit,sowedid.Sittingatthesummit,eatingourpeanutbuttersandwiches,wefinallytalkedaboutsomethingotherthanwhowouldorderthegroceries.Hikingdidn’thaveanyofthethingsI’dspentmyyounglifechasing—success,accomplishment,notoriety—anditwasliberating.NateandIdevelopedritualsaroundhiking.Westartedgoingtobedearlyon

Fridaynights,sothatwecouldgetupat4a.m.inordertoreachdistanttrailheadsintimetosummitanddescendbefore

nightfall.Ilovedthoseearlymorningsofdrivingthroughthestill-sleepingcity,sippingthethermosofcoffeeNatehadpackedforme,myshoesoff,mylegsfoldedunderneathmeinthepassengerseat.Ialwaysfeltlikeweweregettingawaywithsomething,likewe’dstolentime.Weneverwenthikingwithanyoneelsebecauseitbecameourprivate,sacredtime.Itwasthetimewhenweweren’tbeholdentootherpeople’sschedulesordemandsorrequirements.Itdidn’tmatterhowlongittookustoclimbamountain;weweren’tcompetingagainstanyone.

anyone.Whenwewereonthetrail,timewasimmaterial.Theonlythingthatexistedin

ouruniversewasthetwoofusandthewoods.We’doccasionallypassotherhikers,usuallyalsosilent,reverent,and

engrossedinthespiritualityofourpursuit.NateandIrarelyspokeduringourascents.Climbingamountainisn’teasyandthephysicalitypushesoutunnecessary,

cloggingthoughts.Inthemostliteralsensepossible,itclearsthemind.Thereisnospaceforanythingotherthanwhereyoucangetafootholdinarockledgeandwhichtreebranchyoucangrabontoforbalance.Crestingthefinalfewmilestoasummitisatranscendentalexperience.Onpeaksthatarehighenough,treesdon’tgrowafteracertainelevation.Youcrossthattreelineandareonbald,rockymountaintopwithscraggly,hardybrushsnakingitswayoutofcrevices,somehowsurvivingasicywindswhipinyourfaceseeminglyfromeverydirection.IwasmymostintenselyfocusedatthisstagebecausemylegsweretiredandIneededtomaintaingoodbalanceinordertonotslidedowntherockyfaceofthemountain.SometimesIwoulddroptoallfours,loweringmycenterofgravity,whichmademefeelmoresecure.Andthen,inwhatfeltsimultaneouslylikehoursandmereseconds,you’vesummited.Standingonthepeakofafour-thousand-footmountainthatI’veclimbedisalltheexhilarationandachievementI’veeverneeded.OneverysinglesummitI’veeverclimbedmylifefeelssmall;notinsignificantlyso,butreassuringlyso.Ididn’tquitschoolormyjob,butsomehow,Imadespaceforourweekly

hikes.Icametounderstandamaximthatguidesmetothisday:IcanmaketimeforwhateverIwanttodomost.Fullstop.Mygradesdidn’tevenslipbecauseIhadthementaldecompressionandenergyresetofstrenuousexercise.HikinggavemewhatI’dalwayslacked:self-confidence,perspective,andacceptance.ItwasthefirsttimeinmyadultlifethatIprioritizedsomethingthatdidn’thaveaclearbenefitorroutetoproductivity.IfeltlikeeverythingelseIdidwasinserviceoftheexternalmetricsofaperson’ssuccess.Hikingwasallmyown.Itwaswhatbroughtmepeace.Iknowtheexactdateofourfirsthiketogether,May21,2011,becauseasitturnsout,thatdaychangedtherestofmylife.

5ThatOneTimeWeBoughtaHouse

ButIhaveonlyfourmonthsleftuntilI’mdonewithmymaster’sdegree!Thisthoughtscrolledonrepeatthroughmyovertaxedbrain.I’dtakenariskinforgoingthedress-codenylons.IfI’dknownI’dfindmyself

here—intheofficeofthevicepresidentofdevelopment(thebossofmyboss)atAmericanUniversity—Imostdefinitelywould’vewornthenylons.ThebacksofmylegsweresosweatythatIcouldn’tshiftmyweightintheoverstuffedbrownleatherarmchairIwasnowgluedto,becauseitwouldmakethatsquelchthat’sindistinguishablefromafartandmakesyouwonderifyouneedtosay,“Ohthat’sjustthechair,”whichthenmakeseveryoneabsolutelycertainit’snotthechair.SoIsatperfectlystill,ramrodstraight,myweddingringsdiggingintomyclenchedfingersbecauseI’daccidentallyfoldedmyhandsthewrongwayandcouldn’tcorrecttheerrorbecausethemiddlefingeronmyrighthandwasnowbleedingthankstothecornerofmygrandmother’sartdecodiamond,andIdidn’twanttointroduceanotherbodilyfluidintothesituation.Thevicepresidentofdevelopmenthadcalledmeinhereforty-fiveminutes

agowithnopriorwarningandzeroindicationofhisintentions.Themomenthisassistant’sextensionshoweduponthephoneinmycubicle,IwascertainIwasgettingfired,thisbeinghowthebrainofanunderconfidentperfectionistworks.AndsohereIsatinagrowingpoolofmyownsweatandblood,rackingmybrainforwhichinfractionthey’dgottenmeon.TheonlytworeasonsI’dkeptthisjobwerethetuitionremissionandtheexcellenttwo-to-onematching403(b)retirementprogram.Iwastryingtopuzzleoutifthesewerefireableoffenses.ItcrossedmymindtoactpregnantsinceI’dgainedallthatweight(nevermindthatthankstohikingI’dlostmostofit),soIsortofpuffedoutmybellyandwonderedhowpregnantyouhadtobeinordertoqualifyasaprotectedclass.

wonderedhowpregnantyouhadtobeinordertoqualifyasaprotectedclass.Stridingaroundhismany-windowedcorneroffice,gesturingintheair,and

adjustinghisbowtie,thevicepresidentofdevelopmentwascasuallyaskingmewhatIconsideredtobeanincreasinglynosylineofquestionsforsomeoneabouttobefired.“DoyouenjoyDC?”“How’syourhusband’sjobhere?”“How’syourdegreeprogramgoing?”Irattledoff“Yes,”“Fine,”and“Fine,”tryingforthesakeofprofessionalwomeneverywherenottoburstintotears.Aftertwenty-fiveminutesofthisone-sidedinterrogationmasqueradingasbuildingrapportbetweencolleagues,hesatdownbehindhisexpansivedesk,smiled,andsaid,“I’msureyouknowwhyyou’rehere.”Ithenexperiencedararemomentoffinesseandsimplysaid,“I’msorry,Idon’t,actually.”ItwasanactofdivinemercythatImusteredsuchrestraintbecause,asitturnedout,hewasofferingmeajob.Notajobthatwasamerestepabovemycurrentrole,butawholeotherechelonofjob:adirector-leveljob.I’dhavemyownoffice,severalpeoplereportingtome,asalarymorethandoublewhatIcurrentlymade,andrequiredattendanceatdirector-levelmeetings(atwhichI’dheardsconeswereserved).IsincerelyhavenoideawhatexactlyIsaidinordertoextractmyselffromthatconversation,butImanagedanoncommittalresponseandpromisedtogetbacktohimsoon.IwassorelievedIwasn’tgettingfiredthatIforgotaboutthebloodyfingersituation,whichwasunfortunatesinceIdecidedtousemyskirttosurreptitiouslymopthelegsweatoffthechairbeforestandingup.Inowhadabloodstainedskirt,anofferforajobIdidn’twant,andanotherjobthatIalsodidn’twantbutwasusingexpresslyforthebenefits.Inanactofmaturity,Icalledinsickthenextday.TheproblemwiththisjobofferwasthatNateandIhadmadethedecision,

whileonahikeafewmonthsbefore,thatweweredonewiththegrubbyslicknessofDC.Butnotyet.IneededtokeepworkingatAUuntilAugustinordertofinishmymaster’sdegree.IthoughtitwouldbepoorformtotakethispromotionknowingI’dbethereonlyanotherfourmonths.HowwasIgoingtodeclinearaisebutnotquit?!IwassoinsecureaboutmyworkthatitneveroccurredtomeI’dbetappedforsuchabigpromotion.IhavenoperspectivewhatsoeverwhenitcomestothequalityoftheworkIdo.TosayI’mmyownworstenemywouldbelikesayingthatafoxisareddish-furredmammalwithabushytail.Ireallyshould’vetakenahintherethatIwasgoodatwhatIdid,becausethiswasn’teventheonlyjobofferIhadatthetime.Ellen,myformerbossfromWGBH,wasintheprocessofcreatinganewpositionandhadjokinglyemailedtosayI’dbetheperfectcandidateexceptforthefactthatIlivedinthewrongstate.ItwaskismetthatearlierthatweekNateandIhadagreedwewantedtogobacktoCambridgetheminutemyclasseswereover.

Itdidn’toccurtomeatthetimethatmaybe,justmaybe,springingfromcitytocityandfund-raisingjobtofund-raisingjobwithPollyannacertaintyI’dfindhappinessthistimewasatad—justatad—likethedefinitionofinsanity:repeatingthesamebehavioroverandoveragainandexpectingdifferentresults.IwasblinderedbyacompulsiontoachieveandthejobEllenofferedmewas

ajumpup,withpeopletomanage,andafinesalary.Althoughnooffice,whichdidirkme.Goingbacktothatgray,windowlesscubiclewasn’texactlytheblazeofgloryIhadhopedfor,butitwoulddo.IturnedinmyfinalpaperforgradschoolonFriday,August10,2012,andstartedatWGBHasthemanagerofdonorrelationsandcommunicationsonMonday,August13.Idon’tletmossgrow,whichisalsohowNateandIboughtourfirsthomeinasingleweekend.OneofthereasonswewantedtomovebacktoCambridgewasthefactthat

weknewtherealestatemarkettherereallywellonaccountofhavingvisitedroughly270ofitsopenhousesovertheyears.Isthatanoutrageousnumberofopenhousestovisit?Ohmostcertainly,butwe’renerdsobsessedwithmakingourselvesquasi-expertsinwhateverwedo.NateandIhaveabeliefthattheonlypeoplewithourbestinterestsatheartareus.It’snotthatrealestateagentswouldintentionallysteeruswrong,it’sjustthatwewantedourownbaseofknowledgetorelyon.Plus,themoremoneyyouspendonahouse,themoremoneyyourrealestateagentmakes;thus,yourincentivesandtheirsarenotentirelyaligned.Backinourbasement-dwellingdays,goingtoopenhousesontheweekendswasoneofourchiefsourcesofentertainment.Itwasfree,itinvolvedstrollingaroundthecity,andbestofall,snoopingonotherpeople’slivesviaamethodthatwasmuchmoregratifyingthanFacebook,butfarlessillegalthan,say,stalking.Realestatebecameahobbyofours,perhapsalessconventionalhobbythanhikingortheRussianlanguageclasseswetook,butalsomoreinstructive(especiallyconsideringthatneitherofuseverprogressedbeyond“hello,”“verygood,”and“Ilovetotravel”).OnFridaynights,Natewouldmapoutaroutethat’denableustohitthemaximumnumberofhousesthatweekend.SincethesameplaceswereoftenopenonbothSaturdayandSunday,he’dscoutdifferentitinerariesforeachday.Realtorsstartedtorecognizeus.Goingtoamultitudeofopenhouseswasawaytoeducateourselvesonwhat

wewantedinahome,whattoexpectintheCambridgemarket(notmuchandforalotofmoney),andhowtolookatahouseforitslong-termvalue,notjustthesuperficial,HGTV-promotedpracticeof“Ireallylikethisbacksplash.”Buyingahouseisaboutfacts,notfeelings,because—ultimately—ahomeisaninvestment.Yes,it’saverylargeinvestmentandoneinwhichyouwillliveandperhapsraiseyourchildren,butallthesefactorsaside,itshouldn’tbeanentirelyemotionaldecision.NateandIwereinterestedinpricepersquarefoot,whetherornotitwasinacondoassociationand,ifso,theassociation’sruleon

ornotitwasinacondoassociationand,ifso,theassociation’sruleonnonowner-occupiedunitsandthedollaramountoftheirreserve.Wegrilledrealestateagentsandtookhometheirglossy,full-colorinfopacketsforcondosthatstartedat$450,000andascendedsteeplyfromthere.Itwasimmaterialtousthatwedidn’thaveenoughinthebanktocovereventheclosingcosts(letalonethedownpayment)becauseweweregatheringdatathatwe’dlatermine.Plus,itwasfun.Aftereachopenhousejaunt,we’dwalkovertoacoffeeshop,

usuallytheAtomicBeanonMassachusettsAvenuebecausetheyhadadivinehummusandveggieplate,andhaveanearnestconversationaboutwhichofthepropertieswe’dbuy(youknow,ifweactuallyhadthemoneytobuyit).Fromtheintensityofourdebates,I’msureeveryonearoundusthoughtweweresomereallyindecisivepeoplewhounsuccessfullytriedeveryweekendforfiveyearstobuyahouse.Theseexerciseshonedourcombinedrealestateprowess.NateandIcouldwalkintoahouseandknowwithinfiveminuteswhetherornotitwasagooddeal,whattheotherpersonwouldthinkofit,whattherealestateagenthaddoneright/wrongwiththestaging,andwhetherornotitwouldsellforoveraskingprice(nothinginCambridgeeversoldforunder).SinceNatemonitoredwhathousesactuallysoldfor,hequicklylearnedthatif

anaskingpriceseemedlikeasteal,itwasdestinedforarash,fisticuffsbiddingwarwherebuyerswouldforgocontingenciesandinspectionsandmightevenofferallcash.Desperationwastheundercurrentofthewhite-hotCambridgemarket.Wewatchedthespectacleasunrepentantvoyeurs.I’ddialedbackouropenhousehobbywhileinDC(because:school,work,andthenhiking),butwe’dfrequentedthemoftenenoughtostayfresh.Additionally,Natefoundhecouldn’tgiveuptrackingtheCambridgemarketfromafar,sohestudiouslymaintainedhisspreadsheetsdetailingaskingandclosingpricesforsingleandmultifamilyhomesindesirableneighborhoods.Thankstoourfiveyearsofmono-goalsaving,bythetimewewerefinancially

readytobuyinlatespring2012wewereclassicallyoverprepared.Ourrealestateagentkeptaskingifwewererealestateagents.Ithinkhefinallyresignedhimselftotheideathatwewerenutsonerdyuppiesfixatedonfindingagooddeal.WhenNateandIwanttodosomething,wethrowourselvesintoresearchinglikeadogdevouringapartiallyeatenhamburgeryoubroughthomefromarestaurantandaccidentallyleftinitstakeoutboxonthefloorovernight.Havingdonethatonce,Icantellyouit’sprettyintense.AlthoughweassumedwewantedtobuyinCambridgeproper,indeferenceto

mytendencytooverresearch,Idecidedweshouldexploretheclosest-in,least-suburbysuburbs.ThenearestBostonsuburbsarenotmuchcheaperthanthecity;it’sjustthatyougettoaddapostagestampofgrasstoyourannualChristmas

cardphotoonyourfrontporchasopposedtowall-to-wallconcreteandattachedneighbors.Tosimulatelifeassuburbanites,weperformedtheultimaterealestatetest(inmymind,anyway):thesamplecommute.At5p.m.onaFridayevening,weleftfromtheparkinglotofmyonceandfutureemployer(WGBH)andwendedourwaytoNate’sofficeinSomerville,pretendedtopickhimup,thenjoinedthe87,972othercarswhoseownershaddecampedtothesuburbs.WebailedanhourintosittingimmobilizedonMassachusettsAvenue,tryingtoinchourrentalcar’snoseacrossthecitylinetosuburbanArlington.Thethoughtofdrivinganotherthreemilestoourprospectivehousewasinconceivable.AndthereendedthepossibilitythatNateorIwouldeverliveinthesuburbs,becausetherewasnowayweweregoingtolosehoursofourlivestocommutinginexchangeforabackyardandagarage.Imused:What’sthepointofbuyingmorehouseandmoreyardifwe’renevertheretoenjoyit?Ifallourtimeisspentdrivingtoandworkingjobsweprobablydon’tevenlikeinordertopayforahousewenevergettogotowhenthesun’sout...howisthatanimprovement?Biggerhousesareoneofthemoreinsidiouselementsoflifestyleinflation.

Theylureusintothinkingwe’llsolveourproblemsandreachblissifonlywespendjustalittlebitmoremoneyforalittlebitmoresquarefootage.Andsowestretchourbudgetsinordertoekeoutanextrabedroominadesirableschooldistrict.Then,we’resoheavilymortgagedthatwe’veensuredweneedtokeepworkingthatjobwedon’tlikeforavery,verylongtime.Ourcultureindoctrinatestheideathatweshouldcontinuallyupgradeourselvestonicerhouses,fanciercars,andall-aroundbetterstuff.Therearefewchampionsforsimple,sustainablelivingthatdoesn’tinvolveaggressivecommutesandbillswecanbarelycoverandrelianceonouremployersforeachandeverydimeofourpaychecks.NateandImulledthisover,peacedout,andU-turnedthecarwhileouronce-potentialfutureselvessloggedtheirway,aninchatatime,onepersontoacar,zonedouttoradiostationsthatremindedthemofwhentheywereseventeenanddrivingwastheultimatefreedom,towardmortgagesintheapocryphalpromisedlandofsuburbia.NateandIfoundourhomethenextmorningduringourspecialty:anopen

house.Ourrealestateagentofferedtosetupaprivateshowing,butwedoourbestworkalone;Iliketheincognitostateofanopenhouse.BeforeI’devenclimbedthestairstothesecondfloor,Iknewwe’dbeputtinginanofferprimarilybasedonthefactthatthiswasasingle-familyhome:aproverbialhen’stoothinCambridge.MosthomesinCambridgearecondos,sincespaceandhousingstockarelimitedinlightofhistoricalregulationsthatlargelypreventhigh-riseapartments.AnotherfactortighteningthehousingmarketisCambridge’sboomingpopulation,girdedbythepresenceofnotonlyHarvard

andMIT,buttheburgeoningnumberofbiotechfirmsnowheadquarteredthere.Artisanalpickleshops,doughnutbakeriesthatselloutby9a.m.,andmoreyogastudiosthanbanksaddtoCambridge’shipsterurbanappeal.Peoplewanttolivethereandtherearen’tmanyhousingunitsavailable,sotheplacesthatareavailablearetypicallyquitesmallandquiteexpensive.Inourself-guidedrealestateeducationprocess,NateandIlearnedanumberofnot-so-greatthingsaboutcondoassociations:theychargefeesandassessments,theycantellyouwhattodowithyourproperty,andtheirrulescanrestrict(orprevent)yourabilitytorentoutyourunit.Rentitout?Iimagineyou’rewondering.Ithoughtyoufreakswerejustnowbuyingit?True.However.NateandI,aboveallelse,craveoptions.Wedonotliketobehemmedin,sotheabilitytorentoutahousewe’dbuy,andgeneraterevenuefromit,wouldgrantussomeseriousflexibility.I’dbelyingifIsaidweknewwhatwewantedthoseoptionstobeatthatpointintime,butthedesiretobuildalternativesintosuchamammothpurchasewasimportanttous.Wesubscribetothetheorythatyouneverknowwhat’sgoingtohappen,youneverknowwhenyoumightwantoutofasituation,andliquidcashandassetsarewhatgreaseopportunity.Moneydoesn’tmakeyouhappy,butmoneyprovidesthefreedomtofindoutwhatdoesmakeyouhappy.Basedonthefactsthat,atthetime,over65percentofunitsinCambridge

wererentedandrentalpricesintheareawerehighandclimbinghigher,we’dhatchedaplantosomedayflipwhateverweboughtintoarentalproperty.Andthishouse,locatedintherapidlygentrifyingneighborhoodofInmanSquare,wasidealbecauseitwasarareexception:asingle-familyhomewithtwostoriesandabasement,fourbedrooms,twobaths,andover1,600squarefeet.Itwas,byCambridgestandards,aMcMansion.Itwasalsougly,hadnegativecurbappeal,waslocatedbehindwhathadformerlybeenacrackden(notinahyperbolicsense),anditshowedlikesomethingoutofa’70ssitcomthatnevermadeitpastthepilotepisode.I’mtalkinglacedoiliesoneverysurface,enoughbleedingcrucifixestoscaretheformerCatholicinme,andfamilyphotoscoveringsomuchwallspaceIcouldbarelytellwhatthelivingroompaintcolorwas(probablyforthebest,asitturnedout).Allthataside,thishousewaswalkingdistancetoHarvard,MIT,aTstation,

numerousbuslines,andaburgeoningcorridorofrestaurants,coffeeshops,andyes,oneartisanalpickleshop.Ourrealestateagentdisclosedtousthatifwedidn’tbuyit,hewasgoingto.Bestofall,thishousedidn’tneedagutrenovationbecausethepreviousownershaddonetheyeoman’sworkofputtinginhardwoodfloors,stainlesssteelappliances,granitecountertops,andknockingthe1880sstraightoutofthefloorplanbyopeningupthekitchen,livingroom,anddiningroom.Eventhebathroomswereofthisdecade.Thankstoitserstwhilecrackdenneighbor(whichhadbeenpurchasedbyadeveloperandwas

erstwhilecrackdenneighbor(whichhadbeenpurchasedbyadeveloperandwasbeingtransformedintohigh-endcondos)anditsabominableinteriordécor(didImentiontherewerefernseverywhere?),thishousesatonthemarketforanunheard-offiftydaysinacitywheremostpropertiesaresnappedupintheirfirstweekend.Thenextmorning,sittingintheterminalatBoston’sLoganAirportwaitingtoboardourflightbacktoDC,wesignedtheofferletteronmyphone,usingourfingerstoscrawlelementary-school-worthysignatures.Ouryearsofresearchwerevindicated.WeboughtthehouseforthelowestpurchasepricepersquarefootthatentirebuyingseasoninallofCambridge,whichofcourseweknewbecauseNateneverstoppedtrackingthemarket(I’mprettysurehestilldoesittothisday).Iwrotemyfinalgradschoolpaperusingourwashingmachineasmydesk

whileNateandourmoversloadedthetruckinDC.Wedroveupinourminivan—eatingatArby’salongthewaytotouchbasewithourmidwesternchildhoods,sinceArby’sdoesn’texistincities—andpulledintoCambridgeonasteamyAugustnight.Weweretwenty-eightyearsold,inahouseweowned,sittingsidebysideonthetwin-sizeairmattresswewereusingasacouch,withourbacksproppedagainstthelivingroomwall,ourbarefeetplantedonthecool,hardwoodfloortokeepthemattressfromslidingoutfromunderneathus.We’dbeenlivinglargeinourfurnishedtownhousethepastfewyears,andnowweownedourownhuge(byourstandards)andempty(byanyone’sstandards)home.Wehadaboutsixpiecesoffurniture,oneofwhichwasacardtableandfourothersofwhichwerefoldingchairs.Wedecidedrightthereonourairmattresscouchthatitwastimetoadopta

dog.InDC,weusedtowalkfiveblockstoadogparkandsitonabenchwatchingthedogsromp.Dogs,beingdogs,wouldrushupandjumpinourlaps.Dogowners,assumingwewereoneofthem,wouldsmileknowinglyandaskusourdog’sname,atwhichpointwehadtoawkwardlyexplainthatalthoughwewereinadogpark,wedidn’tactuallyownadog.Weweremerelydoingfirsthandresearch.Muchlikeouropen-housesojourns,everytimewesawadogoutinpublicwe’dmakesubtlecommentarytoeachother(“appearstobeamutt”;“followingleashinstructionswell”;“abitnippy”).I’dlongedtohaveadogforyears,butheldoffbecauseIknewwedidn’thavethespace,time,ormoneytocareforone.Findinganapartmenttorentwithadogintowisnearlyimpossible;wedidn’thavethemoneyforadogwhenwe’dlivedinourbasementapartment;andwhileIwasingradschool,wedidn’thavethetimetodevotetodogrearing.We’dresearchedbreedsexhaustivelyasawaytoclosethegapbetweentheyearswe’dhavetowaitbeforeourlivescouldsupportanotherbeing.Andthetimewasnow.Isawdogownershipasanotherindicatorofadulthood.SinceI’dcheckedoff

Isawdogownershipasanotherindicatorofadulthood.SinceI’dcheckedoff“finishgradschool”and“buyahouse”thismonth,Ifiguredwemightaswellcheckoff“adoptadog”too.AdulthoodwasallgoingtohappenformeduringthemonthofAugust2012.We’dsettledonadoptingagreyhoundseveralyearsbefore,sinceourresearch(bothinthefieldandthroughcompulsivelytaking“What’sMyDreamPup?”quizzesonline)indicatedthiswastheidealbreedforusbecausetheydon’tneedalotofspaceorexercise,theytypicallydon’tbark,drool,orshedmuch,andthey’recontenttolazearoundthehouseallday.Plus,they’reequalpartsfrugalandhumanitariansincethey’rerescuesfromtheracetrack—noexpensivebreedertopay,andthey’readultdogssononeedtoenrollthemindoggiedaycare,whichinCambridgeareasprevalent(andprobablyasexpensive)ashumanchilddaycare.We’devenpickedoutaname,Gracie,andonAugust16,adainty,copper-coloredgreyhound,wholookedmorelikeasmalldeerthanadog,joinedourfamily.Thiswasit.Afteryearsofwaitingandplanning,ofmistakenlythinkingI’dmadeit,myadulthoodwasfinallycomingintofocus.Happinessunlocked,orsoIhoped.

6OurWatershedCoffeeShop

Conversation:ADreamIsHatched

ItwasSaturday,March29,2014,andIwaslookingatourreflectioninthecoffeeshop’sfrontwindowwhilebendingdowntodrink,withouthands,frommyoverfull,steaminglatte.Natehadtheearlyscruffofabeardandmyshortnails,onlong-fingeredhandsgrippingmyknees,werepainteddarkpurple.Iwaswearing$285leatherboots;Natehadonskinnyjeans.WhileIsatstaringatthepeoplecitylifehadtransformedusinto,Natewasunspoolingamentalblueprintforaradicallydifferentexistence.Startingfromthepremisethatwe’rebothhappiestwhenwe’rehikinginthewoods,Natedrewtheobvious,butpreviouslytaboo,conclusionthatweshouldfindawaytospendalargerpercentageofourtimeinthewoods.Namely,bymovingthere.NateandI’dhadmanyversionsofthisconversationsincewe’dstartedhiking,

usuallyonmountaintops.ButthisSaturdayinMarchitwasnolongerthehalf-bakedfollow-your-dreamsblusterofacollegesophomoredecidingtostudysurfboardconstructioninIndonesiainorderto“findmyself.”Natehadbeentinkeringwithourfinancialprojections,andsharedhisfindingsusinghisfingerstoenumerateeachidea.First,hesaid,pointingatmewithhisthumb,wehaveaprettyhighcombinedincome.Inodded.Second—hispointerfingerstabbedtheespresso-redolentair—

we’vebeensavingatthefairlyhighrateof40to50

we’vebeensavingatthefairlyhighrateof40to50percentofourtake-homepayeverymonth,notincludingour401(k)

contributionsandmortgageprincipal.Iwaslistening.Whathe’dfiguredoutwasthatifwerampedupoursavingsrateand

maintainedourincomesforseveralyears—heestimatedthreeyearsandfivemonths(youknow,roughly)—we’dhaveenoughmoneytomovetoahomesteadinthewoods-filledcountrysideofVermont,rentoutourCambridgehouse,andgetlower-payingjobs.Orbetteryet,nojobsatall.Natewasrhapsodizinginawaywhollydivorcedfromhisstandardengineer’seconomyofspokenword.Atthatpoint,IthinkIwould’veagreedtoanythingthatwouldbreakusoutofourentrenchedcorporateroutines.Inthelastyear,it’dbecomeobviousthatNateandIwererepeatingafailingpattern:we’dmovetoanewcity,getnewjobs,andexpectdifferentresults.Butwitheachmoveandeachnewfirstdayofworkcamehigherandhigherexpectationscoupledwithlessandlesspatienceforlifetostartclicking.Wehadn’tbeenbackinCambridgeforeventwoyearsyet,andI’dalready

sufferedtheparalyzingrealizationthatI’dlikelyneverfeeladequatelyfulfilledorhappy,orwhateveritisyoufeelwhenyou’relivingthelifeyou’remeanttolive.Itjustwasn’tgoingtohappenformeviamywell-payingbutultimatelyenergy-suckingnine-to-fivecubiclejob.Didn’tmatterthejob;didn’tmatterthecity;didn’tmatterthehouseweowned;didn’tmatterthedogwe’dadopted.Wewereboth,withoutadoubt,unhappy.Wewalkedhomefromthecoffeeshopholdinghands,nottalking.Natehad

exhaustedhisvoicehavingspokenmorewordsthanisnormalforhiminaboutaweek,andmyfacewasonfirewithbrainoverwork.IfeltlikeI’djustwokenupfromalateafternoonnap,hazyfromdreamsandstunnedbytherealizationthatitwasn’tmorning.Ineededcoldwater.WecanceledourplanstogoouttodinnerthatnightandinsteadatefrozenpizzawhileporingoverthespreadsheetsNatehadassembledwithprojectionsrangingfromhowmuchmoneywecouldsaveeachmonthtowhatwecouldchargeinrentforourCambridgehometopurchasepricesforruralpropertiestostandardstockmarketreturnsforourportfoliooflow-feeindexfunds.Midwaythroughdinner,ItoldNateitwasago.AfterfourhoursofhearinghimtalkwithmorepassionthanI’dheardfromhiminthelastsevenyears,Iknewtherewasnowaywecouldzipthisdreambackup.Itwasoutlikeanairmattress,expandingbytheminute,nevertobestuffedneatlyintoitsfactory-issuedcarryingcaseeveragain.Iwasbreathlessaboutthisnovellifepath,butIhadanaggingfeelingthat,in

away,I’dfailed.Attwenty-two,Iwasconsumedwithcraftingameticulouscareer.AndI’ddoneit.Now,atthirty,IwaspreparingtoabandoneverythingI’dworkedforinfavorof,let’sbehonest,aprettybizarreidea.Ididn’tknow

workedforinfavorof,let’sbehonest,aprettybizarreidea.Ididn’tknowanyonewho’doptedoutofconventionalsuccess.Wasthisevenallowed?DespitemyconfidenceinNateandinthemath,Iwasunsettledbymyowncompulsiontofollowtherules.IknewtherewasnowayIcould’veembracedthispathrightaftercollege

becauseIwasobsessedwithtraditionalmetricsofsuccessthen.ButIfeltsoletdownbytheconformistpathI’dfolloweduptothispointthatIwaswillingtotakealeap.Iwasstartingtoacceptthatforme,fulfillmentdidn’tcomeinapaycheckenvelope.I’ddoneeverythingyou’re“supposed”todo.AndIhatedit.Theideaofnothavingapatanswertothequestion,

“Whatdoyoudoforwork?”hadhauntedmeforyears.Now,IwasreadytomoveoutfromunderneaththeseconstraintsI’dimposedonmyself.NateandIdon’tfesterinunhappinessandwedon’tabideregrets,aswekept

provingtoourselvesbymovingeveryfewyears.Whenwewantsomethingdifferent,weactonit.Forapproximatelythree

minutesthatevening,wediscussedmovingtothecountryimmediately,butwebothknewthatwasn’ttherightchoicefortworesearch-driven,cautiouspeoplewhowon’tevenleavethehousewithoutbringingwaterbottlesandsnacks,nomatterwherewe’regoing.Girdedbypagesofspreadsheetmachinations,NateandIagreedonthestrategic,decisivethree-year,five-monthtimelinetoallowustosaveupenoughmoneyandprepareourselvestoblowupourlives.Startingtheprocessrightawaywastheonlythingthatmadesensetous.There’dbenodelayinguntilthefollowingweekoruntilournextpaychecks;westartedthatnight.Andweneverlookedback.Asitturnedout,thefinancialelementsandtheircorrespondingtimeline

weren’tthetotalityofNate’splan.Natealreadyknewthathisinterestswerefullyincorporatedintohisprojections.Forhisentirelife,he’swantedtobesomesortofmodern-daymountainman/lumberjack/hiker/engineeroutinthewilderness.Whenhewasatoddler,hisgrandparentscalledhimthelittleman,andinhighschool,hisparentscouldn’tstophimfromgoingonsolocampingtripsandstorm-chasingtornadoesbyhimselfthroughtheKansasprairies.Hewasbornwithadesireforsolitude,self-sufficiency,andnature.I,ontheotherhand,wasaconverttothewholewoodsthing,andwhileit’strueIlovetohike,weweren’tgoingtohiketogetheralldayeveryday.NatethoughtIneededavocationtoluremeintoaremotecornerofamostlywoodedstatewithasmallerpopulationthanourneighborhoodinCambridge.Inhismind,inorderforthistowork,Ihadtobeimpassioned.Andso,Natedivulgedthathe’dboughtmesomething:adomainname.Forablog.Thathe’dalreadysetupanddesigned.Hebeamedwhileexplainingthatitwasjustwaitingformetowritesomething.I

wasfurious,toputitmildly.Beingtoldwhattodo,evenbythepersonwhousuallyknowsmebetterthanI

knowmyself,rankledmyindependentcore.ItoldNateIdidn’tappreciatethathe’dpresumedtoknowwhatIneededandthatIwould’velikedtobeprivytothislittledecisionofhis.ButNatealreadyknewthistoo,andthatifhe’dleftituptome,Iwould’vespentfivemonthsditheringoveranamefortheblog,andanothertwoyearssecond-guessingwhetherornotIwasagoodenoughwritertotypesomethingintoacomputerandhit“publish,”subjectingmyselftotheharsh,erraticjudgmentoftheInternet.He’dtakenagamblethathecouldbackdoormeintowritingbymakingmefeelthatI’dbehurtinghisfeelings,nottomentionwastingthetimeandmoneyhe’dinvestedinthesitealready.Hewasbankingonmyobstinatehatredoffritteringawaysunkcosts.Andhewasright.Sometimesittakestheperspectiveofanoutsider(evenifit’sjustyourownspouse)totellyouwhatyouneedthemost.BackincollegewhenIdecidedtochangemymajortoEnglish,mytrue

passion,Iwasworriedthatcreativewritingwasn’temployable-sounding.Tocombatthis,Itackedonamoreemployable-soundingdoublemajorinpoliticalscience,becauseallofmyfriends,Nateincluded,weremajoringinit.Intheeightyearssincegraduation,I’dbarelywrittenacreativeword.I’dlaboredoverafewatrociousshortstoriesthatIhopeareirretrievablylost

somewhereonmycomputer,lestIdieandsomeoneactuallyreadthem.Andofcourse,I’dhackedoutmygradschoolcourseworkinCheetos-fueledfrenziesalongwithcountlessunreadthank-youlettersfromtheconfinesofmyvaryingshadesofgraycubicles.NateandIhadtwofailedblogsalready—oneaboutpublictransit,whichnevergotbeyondbeingsomethingwetalkedaboutaftertwoglassesofwine—andananemic,dullrenderingofnavigatinglifeinCambridge.Giventhislusterlessrésumé,Iwasn’toptimisticforanoddlynamedblogaboutwhatIviewedasthemostuninterestingthingaboutme:myfrugality.Preparedformyrebuttals,Nateflungmeanothermotivator:we’dhavetoexplainthewholesituationtoourfamilies,andwebothknewitwouldcomeacrossmorecoherentlyandlesslikewe’dlostourmindsifIwroteitout.Icouldn’tdisagreethere.Afterlisteningtomebemoanmyfailuretowriteforyears,NatedecidedIneededtobeforced/encouragedinto,well,writingsomething.Themorningafterwedecidedtohaveareallyearlymidlifecrisistogether,IstaredattheemptyWordPresswebsiteNatehadnamedFrugalwoods.Ifyou’daskedmetothinkofamorelunaticmoniker,Icouldnothave;butItrustedNate’sinstincts.IusedtopickatNate’snonconformity,haranguinghimforhisrefusaltowearkhakipantsandbutton-downshirtslikeeveryoneelse.Hissenseoftheoffbeatisonpoint,andIthinktheoffbeatiswhatpopulatesthe

cubbyholesoftheInternet.Togetmeovermycripplingfearofbadwriting,Nateassuredmethatnobody

wouldreadtheblog.Idecidedtowriteanonymously,mostlysoIcoulddisavowhavingeverwrittenitifitwasterrible(whichmyneurosisandperfectionismassuredmeitwouldbe).Thuslycoddled,Istartedwriting.AndNatewasright;Ididknowfrugality.ItwashowI’dmadeitthroughcollegewithnodebt,livedinNewYorkCityforayearon$8,000,andboughtahouseatagetwenty-eight.ButI’dnevertriedtoexplainittoanyoneelsebefore.OnceIstartedwriting,itflowedlikethereleaseofsteamfromapressurizedcannon.Icouldnotstop.IpublishedmyfirstpostonApril9,2014,andnearlyfouryearslater,Ihaven’trunoutofwordsyet.

7OurFirstMonthofExtreme

Frugality

AfterNateandIboughtourhouseinthesummerof2012,Ifeltcompelledtofillitupwithfurniture.Thiswasourfirstrealhomeandemptyrooms(plusacardtable)justwouldn’tdo.Weboughtaking-sizeknock-offmemoryfoammattressonAmazonfor$279and,studiouslyfollowingtheinstructionsto“openonlyintheroomwhereitwillreside,”unfurleditatopoursimilarlycheapbedframe.Itsprungtolifelikeoneofthosepill-shapedpelletsthatexpandsintoananimal-shapedspongewhendroppedintowater,whichI’dbegmymomtobuyinthecheckoutlineatthegrocerystorewhenIwasakid.Ihadnoclueifa$279knock-offking-sizememoryfoammattressfromAmazonwouldbeanygood,orifitwouldlast,orhaveanyattributesresemblingcomfort,butforthatprice—asopposedtothebrand-namepricetagofover$2,000—itwasworththefrugalgamble.AndsinceIknowhowthisstoryends,Icantellyouthatnearlysixyearslaterour$279knock-offmemoryfoammattressremainsremarkablycomfortable,hassurvivedamove,andisstillmattressingon.Butthatmattresstookcareofonlyoneroominourotherwiseemptyhouse.Inoneofourquestsforhousefiller,wedouble-parkedourseventeen-year-old

HondaOdysseyminivan,whichwasbadlydentedalongitsentireleftsideanddefacedwithastripeofgreenpaintwhereI’dinteractedwithapillarofthesamehueintheAmericanUniversityparkinggarageafewyearsback.Thevannowquestionablyparked,NateandIranupthethreestoriesofaBostonbrownstonethatwehopedcontainedourfuturecouch.Irefusedtobuynewfurniture(withtheexceptionofourknock-offmattress)forourmostlyemptyhouse,onthepremisethatitwasridiculoustopayfullpricewhenIcouldfinduseditemson

premisethatitwasridiculoustopayfullpricewhenIcouldfinduseditemsonCraigslist(oratgaragesalesoronthesideoftheroad)foratleast75percentless.Afterlearningtheexactheightofourminivanwhiletryingtoshoveatoo-tallcouchinthereoneafternoon,andthenlearningtheprecisewidthofourfrontdoorinasimilaroperation,Inowknewtoasksellersforexactdimensions.Andthiscouch?Upthesethreeflightsofstairs?Itwasexactlytherightsize.ThesellersopenedtheirfrontdoorandIwassurprisedtheyweremyage,

becauseIdidn’tthinkpeoplemyagehadanyfurnituretosellyet.Imean,howlongcouldtheyhavepossiblyownedthisstuff?Fiveyears,tops?Newlyweds,theyexplainedtheywere“ofcourse”buyingallnewfurniturenowthattheyweremarried.NateandIdeclinedtomentionthatwe’dbeenmarriedforfouryearsandwerejustnowbuyingourfirstcouch,used,fromthem.Iaskediftheyhadanyotherstufftheyweresellingandsureenough,thebridewantedherhusband’sleatherarmchairgone.Weofferedthem$250forbothandtheybit.Iwasthrilledtheyweregettingridofacouchthatlooked,felt,andsmelledperfectlyfine(itwastrendy,even)andanall-leatherchairthat,Ichecked,originallyretailedfor$950.NateandIinexpertlyleveredthecouchoverourheadsinordertocleartheantiquebanisterintheelevatorlessbuilding.Wehustleditdowntoourdouble-parkedminivananddiscoveredwe’dbepayinganother$50intheformofaparkingticket.Sincebothcouchandchairwouldn’tsqueezeintothevantogether(Imean,therearelimits,eveninaminivanwithallofitsbackseatsremoved),wedrovethecouchhometoCambridge,unloadeditintoourlivingroom,andboltedbackforthechair.MycommitmenttothesecondhandmarketdeepenedasIwitnessedfirsthand

theremarkabledepreciationcurvethatnewfurnitureundergoesinitsspiraldowntothenominalpricesIpaidforitonCraigslistwithmyenvelopeofcash.Newstuff—cars,clothing,furniture—isusuallynotaninvestment,meaningthatexceptinrarecircumstances,itdoesnotappreciate.It’seasytotrickourselvesintothinkingwe’llbuysomethingforlife,orinvestinacouchthat’llholditsvaluefordecades,butthatresalemomentrarelycomestofruition.Beingapersonwhoownsa$285pairofleatherboots,Ikeenlyunderstandthe

desiretopayforqualityandtosubscribetotheideathatI’llneverbuyanotherpairofbootsinmyentirelife.Buthowoftendoesthisactuallypanout?We(Iincludemyselfhere)getboredwithourstuff.Ourstyleandtasteschange.Wemovehousesandneedabigger/smaller/morepurplecouch.Thisnotionthatwecanfuture-proofourmaterialpossessionsis,moreoftenthannot,awoefulexcuseforoverpaying.Byinsteadembracingtheusedmarket,Iwasabletofindhigher-qualitypiecesoffurnitureforfarlessthantheircheap,new,particleboardanalogues.Samegoesforclothes.ThebrandnamesIsourcefromthriftstoresaretypicallybettermadeandmorestylishthannewandinexpensivefast-fashion

aretypicallybettermadeandmorestylishthannewandinexpensivefast-fashionoutfitsintendedtobewornandthrownoutinthecourseofasingleseason.AfterIslowlyoutfittedourentirehomeviatheusedmarketforatotalsumof$1,000,Iwasadiehardconverttotheworldofsecondhand.I’dscourtheCraigslistfurnituresectionearlyeverySaturdaymorningand

emailanythingthatseemedpromising,requesting(exact)dimensionsanddirections.Ilearnedtoalwaysaskpeoplewhatelsetheyweresellingbecausepeoplearealwayssellingmorethanonethingandyoucanusuallygetabundleddealalamycouch-n-chaircombo.AndIalwaysofferedlessthanaskingprice,whichalmostalwaysworked.Aftereachsuccessfulcheappurchase,inafitofhypocrisy,tocelebratefindinganendtablefor$5andadresserfor$20,NateandIwouldgoouttodinneratLordHoboorAtwood’soranynumberofothersuperbCambridgeeateries.Theironythatwewerespendingupwardof$50onourcelebratorymealwaslostonusatthetime.Inourearlydaysofhomeownership,frugalityappealedtomewhenitwasacontestandwhenIcouldfinddealsandbarterwithsellers.Now,twoyearslaterandtwodaysafterlaunchingourmove-to-the-woods

plan,Iwascomingface-to-facewiththefiscalramificationsofallthosecelebratorymeals.NateandIsatstaringathislaptoponourwidewoodenplankdiningroomtable,whichwe’dboughtfor$75,includingthefourwovenclothchairs,fromaScandinaviancouplewho’dmoveditintotheirthirty-foot-ceilingBostonloftallthewayfromScandinaviaandthendecideditdidn’tworkintheirnewconcrete-flooredhome.Nateopenedaspreadsheethe’dexportedfromourbankaccountdetailingeverydollarwe’dspentthepreviousmonth,whichwehadn’tknownwouldbeourlastmontheverpre-extremefrugality.Thefirstelementofourplanwasthatweneededtosavemoremoney.Fullstop.I’dthoughtwewerefrugalandsmartwithourmoney,sittingaswewereatthisdiscountedtableandchairsinahomeweownedtowhichrespectable-sizepaychecksweredelivered.ButI’dnevertestedthistheory,andI’dneveractuallycombedthrougheverydollarwespentinamonth.Kindofapainfulprocessthefirsttimeyoudoit,letmetellyou.OnceIstartedearningadecentincome,andthenmostespeciallyafterNate’s

similarlydecentsalarywasstackedontopofmineinthemeltingpotofourmaritalbankaccounts,westoppedmicromanagingourspending.BywhichImeanIhadnocluewhatwespentinanygivenweek,month,oryear.BackinmyBrooklynAmeriCorpsdays,IcountedeverybarofsoapIboughtforfearI’doverdrawmyaccount.AllI’dwantedthenwastohaveenoughmoneytonothavetodeliberateforweeksoverwhethertospend$10onagrocerycarttototemyclothestoandfromthelaundromat.NowthatI’dexperiencedalifeofspending$40aweekonartisanalcheesesand$120onhaircutsand$200on

dinnersout,Irealizeditwasn’twhatIwanted.WhatwasthepointofbeingabletobuywhateverIwantedifIdidn’tcontrolmytime?I’dthoughtmoneywastheultimateresource,butitwasdawningonmethattimeisactuallythegreatestresourceofall.Morespecifically,theabilitytousemytimeasIwished.Itwasn’tthatIhatedmyjob,Ididn’t;it’sthatIspenttoomanyhoursthere,maroonedinacubicle,withmytasksdictatedbyotherpeople,unabletoworkonthingsIfeltinspiredby.Staringatwhatseemedlikeunfathomabledollaramountsonthisblindingly

whitespreadsheettallyingourMarch2014expenses,IunderstoodthatNateandIhadfallenforthemosthackneyedtropeoftheAmericandream:wewerespendingmoreandmoremoneyinincreasinglydesperateattemptstomitigatethefrustrationanddiscontentwefeltoverourjobs.Wewereworkingfortheweekendsandspendingthemoneywe’dworkedsohardtoearninanefforttomakeourselvesfeelbetterabouthowhardweworked.Itwasaviciouscycle.Wewerefirmlyentrenchedatthatpoint.Afterreachingthemammothgoalofbuyingourhouse,weenteredwhatInowcallaperiodoffinancialpurgatory:we’dfailedtomapoutanextstepforourmoney.Buyingourhousehadbeenit,theonlythingwe’dplannedfor.Therewasnonextgoal.Untilnow.ThosetwogoallessyearsreareduponNate’sspreadsheetgraphslikevolcanoeswe’dstupidlythoughtweredormantandwerenowtryingtosummit,wonderingwhymoltenearthwascoursingaroundourfeet.We’ddriftedthroughthesetwoyearsasmindlessconsumers,convincingourselvesthatweneeded,naydeserved,newiPhonesandwallart.Intheaftermathofclosingonourhouse,we’dgoneouttoeatmaybeoncea

week.Butthenwestartedtothink,Ifit’snicetoeatoutonceaweek,wouldn’titbeevennicertogettakeoutanothernight,andnicerstilltogetlattesandsconeseverySaturdayafternoon?WhatIdidn’tknowatthetimeisthatNateandIwerevictimsofthehedonicadaptationthatplaguesourconsumption-focusedsociety.Hedonicadaptationistheconceptthatwecalibrateourselvestowhateverwerepeatedlydo.Ifweconstantlyrewardortreatourselves(withrestaurantsandscones),wedeadenourabilitytoderivetruepleasurefromthoserewards.Thenwerequirelargerandmorefrequentrewards.It’salsoaquestionofhabit.Wecanacclimateourselvestojustaboutany

levelofexpenditureorpleasure.Afterall,thesuperrichcan’tfathomhowanyonesurviveswithouttenhomesandfiveyachts.Andsure,owningtenhomesandfiveyachtssoundsridiculous,butisitreallythatmuchmoreridiculousthanwantingtoeatatarestauranteverynightoftheweek?Inbothsituations,we’rerelyinguponexternalforcestobringushappiness.Inbothsituations,we’retradingmoneyforexperiences,whichwethinkwillyieldthatephemeral“good

life.”Theproblemisthatwhenwegetintotheroutineoftradingmoneyinordertomakeourselveshappy,welosesightofanyotherroutestohappiness.Likeanaddict,westartturningtomoneytosolvemoreandmoreofourproblemsandtofarmoutmoreandmoreofourdissatisfactionwiththelifewe’vecreatedandwhichwenowmustpayfor.Webecomedesensitizedtopleasureandloseourcapacitytoexperiencejoyfromthingswe’dpreviouslyconsideredluxurious,suchasasinglerestaurantmealamonth.NateandIrealizedweneededtodisruptthiscycleofhedonicadaptationandrecalibratewhatbroughtusjoy.Lookingateverydollarwespentinaregularoldmonth—notevenamonth

whensomethingnoteworthy,likeafriend’swedding,happened—IfeltlikeIdointhespringwhenIputonmybathingsuitforthefirsttime:exposedandlargerthanIhadhoped.Iwasangryatmyself.HowhadIletthislifestyleinflationhappen?I’dconsideredmyselfaconsummatefrugalist.YetherewasirrefutableevidenceofNateandmeflushingthousandsofdollarsdownthedrainoncraftbeerandthrowpillows.Iwastemptedtotallyuphowmuchwecould’vesavedifwe’dbeenonalegitfrugalpathfromthebeginning,andifwe’dknownallalongweweregoingtoabandontheconventionallifewe’doriginallyforged.Butinthesamebreath,Iknewthatwasimpossible.Icamearoundtothisplan

becauseofmyfirsthandexperiencewithwhatitfeelsliketoworkfortyhoursaweekandtospendallthemoneyIwanted,notinspiteofit.ThesepastfewyearshadbeenourspendingRumspringa;itwasonlythroughtryingonthelifestyleofatypicalAmericanconsumerthatwewereabletodiscernitwasn’tforus.Therewouldbenowoodsplanwithoutfirsthavingthiscityspendingplan.Themoneywe’dspentwasn’twasted.Rather,itwassacrificedinserviceoffiguringoutwhatwewantedtodowithourlives.Oratleast,that’swhatIliketotellmyself.Insteadofwallowinginregretovertheselostfunds,Imovedforward.Itermeditoureraof“startnowanddon’tlookback.”Natehaddoneallmanneroffancyspreadsheetcalculationsonhowmuchmoneywecouldsaveandinvesteachmonth,andthushowquicklywecouldreachfinancialindependence,butnowitwastimetoseeifhispredictionswereright.OurwatershedcoffeeshopconversationwasonMarch29,2014,andsothe

monthofApril2014wasourtestdriveintrueextremefrugality.Ourmonthtofindouthowlittlewecouldspendandstillsurvive.Uptothispoint,we’dbeenChristmasandEasterfrugalists,dippinginandoutoffiscalprudencewhereitsuitedus,savingenoughtoensureourselvesaspotinretirement,butalsobuyingthingslikeahandcraftedturquoise-and-brownembroideredcollarforGraciewithamatchingleash.Itwastimetorenewourcommitment.Weenactedwhatwecalledour$0budget.I’vealwaysthoughtthatspendingislikeagas:itexpandstofillwhateverspaceyouallottoit.Ifwe’dgivenourselvesa$1,000monthlyspendingcap,Icanalmostguaranteewe’dspendexactly$1,000.Ifwe

monthlyspendingcap,Icanalmostguaranteewe’dspendexactly$1,000.Ifwewereat$990.01onthelastdayofthemonth,we’dgobuyadogtoyfor$9.99tomakeiteven.Myrationalewasthatwitha$0budget,I’dapproachthemonthfromthemind-setthatIwasn’tgoingtospendanymoney.Atall.Obviously,Iknewwe’dhavetobuystuff,butI’dconsidereverydollarspentasadebitagainstthatparagonzero.Wedecidedthatthismostfrugalmontheverwouldhaveatwofoldgoal:1)to

seehowmuchmoneywecouldsaveand2)totestouthowsustainableextremefrugalityfelttous.Couldweactuallyembracelivingonlessforthelongterm?Neitherofuswantedtosellallofourpossessionsandgoliveinayurt,butwealsofeltliedtobyour“treatyourself”culturethatparrotsconsumptionasthecureforwhatails.Weneededtofindatenablemiddlegroundbetweendumpsterdivingforourfoodandembracingtherampant,gratuitousspendingthat’sconsiderednormalandevennecessaryinourculture.Sincemostbudgetingprogramsarebasedaroundthepremiseofbumpingtheiracolytesupfroma0percentsavingsratetoa5or10percentrate,andNateandIwereanglingtoboostwhatwasalreadya45to50percentsavingsrate,wedecidedtostrikeoutandcreateourownsystem.Inmakingthedecisiontoignoreeverythingourculturesaidaboutmoney(that

it’stobespent)andcareers(thatyoumustworkthemforoverfortyyears),wehadthesomewhatalarmingrealizationthattherearen’tverymanypeoplewhodothissortofthing.Thiswasawholesalereckoningofhowweusedourmoney,howweviewedourconsumption,whatconstitutedaneedforus,andhowwestructuredourlives.Weneededtoidentifywhereeverydollarwasgoingandeithereliminatetheexpense,reduceit,orfindacheapersubstitute.Lookingatourpreviousmonth’sexpenseswasidealbecauseitgaveusa

baselinestartingpoint.Tryingtoestimatewhatyouspendinamonthisalotliketheweightyoutellyourselfyouare:muchlowerthanreality.Bettertosteponthescaleandfacetherealnumber.Ifwedidn’tknowhowmuchwewerespendingandwhatwewerespendingiton,there’dbenowaytocalibrateourprojections.Sittingatourkitchentable,wedividedourexpensesintotwocategories:fixedanddiscretionary.Fixedcostsarethingsthataren’teasilychanged.Ourlistincludedjustoneitem:ourmortgage.Mostbudgetguruswillshovelgiganticpilesofexpensesintothefixedsection,includingthelikesofutilities,transportation,andgroceries.Butthosethingsaren’tactuallyfixed;they’recalibrateduponouractions.Ifwechoosetodrivetoworkeverydayasopposedtotakingpublictransportationorridingabike,that’sadecisionwe’remakingwithaveryrealfinancialconsequence.Ifwechoosetoturntheheatinourhomeupto75degreesinthewintertime,that’sachoicewithexpensiverepercussions.Ifwespendthousandsofdollarseverymonthonpricey

repercussions.Ifwespendthousandsofdollarseverymonthonpriceyprepackagedgroceries,thatagainisachoice.Isetasideouronefixedcostsincewewouldn’tbechangingthatquiteyet,butIdidn’tforgetaboutit.Inowturnedmyattentiontotheyawningfissureoflineitemafterlineitemofdiscretionaryexpenses.Luckyforme,therewasalotoflow-hanging,overripespendingfruitforustopickoffthatfirstmonth,atruismforjustabouteveryonewhoperformsthiskindofaudit.Goadedonbymynewinfatuationwithfrugality,Ibustedoutthedeletekey

foreverylineitemthatwasn’tastrictnecessity.Mylitmuswas:“Dowerequirethisforoursurvivalastwohumanpeopleandonedog-child?”Thisishowwesaidgoodbyetotheunnecessarytchotchkesofcitylife:diningout,coffeeshops,drycleaning,cabs,bars,cafés,andtakeout(OK,yes,alotofitwasfood-related...).Wealreadyhadanearlynonexistententertainmentbudgetbecausethingslikepayingdoubledigitstositinadarkroomwithabunchofstrangerstowatchaprogramthatyoucan’tchangethechannelonifit’sbad,andwhereyoucan’tbringyourownfood,orputyourfeetup,orcuddle,orgotothebathroomanytimeyou’dlike,soundsmorelikeaformoftorturethanentertainmenttome.Sufficeittosay,wewatchedmoviesathome.NateandIhadcultivatedalotoffreehobbiesovertheyears,suchaswalking,hiking,andcooking,thankstoourinitialpovertyandthenourhouse-buyinggoal.Allofthesepursuitsyieldedmajorfrugalitydividends.I’malsoaverseonprincipletopayingforentertainmentasitseemslikeacop-outtome.Halfofthefunisthequestandthecreativityinherentinfindingfreeorcheapstufftodo:cruisingthroughfreefestivalsandoutdoormarkets,goingtomuseumsonfree-to-the-publicdays,readingbooksandmagazinesfromthelibrary,hostingfriendsforthemeddinnerparties,tryingoutfancyrecipesathome.Thisphilosophyofcreatingourownentertainmentwasalreadyaningrainedaspectofourlives.Nextonmyruthlessexpense-choppingblock,Idecidedtoabolishthe

modern-dayconstructofpayingotherpeopletodothingsforus.Thiswasn’tasuper-hugecategorysincewe’reinsourcersbynature,buttherewasstillroomforimprovement.Weliketheself-reliance,thecollaboration,andtheauxiliarybenefitoflearningnewskillsthatresultsfromembracingawhollyDIYexistence.We’drefinishedourkitchencabinetsourselves,refurbishedourstaircase,paintedwalls,anddoneasmatteringofotherrenovationsinourhouse.Wewashedourowndogandcleanedourownhome.Ouronlyoutsourcedactivityatthetimewereourhaircuts,whichwedecidedwecouldhandlein-house.Nextupwerethingscrucialtoourbasicsurvival,butthatweren’tfixedcosts,

acategorythatincludedgroceries,householdsuppliesliketoiletpaper,dogfood,

clothing,andourutilitybills(waterandelectricity).Thegoalherewastoreducetheamountwespentineachofthesecategories.I’dalwaysglossedovergrocerycostsinthepastwiththeglibassumptionthatsincefoodisanecessity,Ididn’tneedtothinkabouthowmuchIwasspending.ButIwasout$40aweekintheartisanalcheesesectionalonebeforeIevengottothechocolate-coveredsea-saltraspberriesandthesparklingwhitewine.Ineededtofindlessexpensivealternativesandlearnhowtocomparepricepersquarefootoftoiletpaper(andpriceperounceofalmonds,andperpoundofapples...).Itwasn’taboutdecreasingthequalityofourfood,butratheraboutbeingconsciousofwhatthingscostandhowtoachievethesameendresult—ahealthydiet—forless.Aftermakingtheseeliminations,wewereleftwithasmall,butcrucial,list.

Thesewerethethingswedidn’twanttogiveup.Theseweretheitemsandtheexperiencesthatwefeltaddedsignificantvaluetoourlives.Inordertoretainthisvalueinourlives,wedecidedtofindfrugalsubstitutionsforeach.Ididn’tviewthisnewandintenseleveloffrugalityasamechanismof

deprivation,Iinsteadsawitasanopportunitytoidentifymypriorities.Iwantedtoisolatethevariablesthatconstitutedmycorehappiness.Mygoalwastofigureoutwhenspendingmoneymadeactionable,appreciabledifferenceinmylife,versuswhenspendingmoneywassuperfluous,unimportant,andbeyondthescopeofwhatbroughtmelastingenjoyment.Alotofmyspendinghadbecomeautomatic,mindlessswipesofthecredit

cardthatIrepeatedlydidoutofsheerhabit.EntermyDunkin’Donutsroutine.IusedtobuyanicedteafromDunkin’Donutsalmosteverysingleweekdayafternoonwithmybestworkbuddy,Jess,notbecauseIlikedtheicedtea,asit’sactuallyhorrendous-tasting,butbecauseIwantedtospendtimewithmyfriend.ItdawnedonmethatsheandIcouldjustaseasilyenjoyawalktogetherinsteadofatrekovertoDunkin’Donuts.Wecouldcatchuponourworkgossip,stretchourlegs,andgetoutofourcubiclesforafewminuteswithouttheaccompanyinglossof$2.50perday.Easy.Strippingawaypointlesspurchaseslikethisunneededandunwantedicedteahelpedmetoidentifypriorities—inthiscase,qualitytimewithmyfriend—anddivorcethemfromspendingmoney.AllIhadtodoinordertosavehundredsofdollarseverymonthwasbringconsciousnesstomydailytransactions.IalsoreasonedthatifIcouldgetallofourfurnitureforafractionoftheprice

bysubstitutingCraigslistforswankyfurniturestores,therehadtobefrugalanaloguesforlotsofotherthingstoo.Wecould’veentirelyeliminatedeverysinglelineitemnotrequiredforhumansurvivalfromourbudget,butNateandIwereanglingforlong-termsustainabilityinourfrugality.WeoncedidtheSouthBeachDiettogether,whichwasnotthegreatestofideaswe’veeverhad.Westucktoitlikesomehardcoremofosforaboutamonth(fulldisclosure:itdid

stucktoitlikesomehardcoremofosforaboutamonth(fulldisclosure:itdidworkinhelpingusbothloseweight),butweweremiserable.Mis-er-a-ble.Webailedonitinfavorofamoremoderatebutwholesaletransformationofhowweeat.Wemadeourlong-termdietsustainablebyallowingfortreatsandthestuffweloveeating(exceptforCheetos,asIhaveacertifiedproblemwithCheetosandhadtoquitthosefullstop).Thesameapproachwaseffectivewithourfrugality.Byretainingthethingswelove,wewereabletocraftalifestylethatisn’tfocusedsolelyonsavingmoney,butrather,onoptimizingforourpriorities.Yourprioritiesaresurelydifferentthanmine,butbyallowingthisprincipletoguideyourbudgetingprocess,Iimagineyou’llbeamazedathowmanyinsignificantlineitemsaregobblingupyourfundsmonthaftermonth.Thekeyistoidentifywhatmattersmosttoyou,whatbringsyouthedeepestenjoyment,andthenabolishallofthesubparicedteasonwhichyou’refritteringawayyourcash.Thebiggest-ticketlineitemthatIdidnotwanttogiveupweremyyoga

classes.Forseveralyears,I’dbeentakingyogatwoorthreenightsaweek,andeverySaturdaymorning,withNateataheatedpower-yogastudioafewblocksfromourhouse.Theywereapriority;Ilovedboththeclassesandthecommunity,andregularyogahadwhippedmeintothebestphysicalshapeofmylife.ButIwasspending$18oneachandeveryclass,whichtallieduptoawhopping$288permonth.Ouch.Therewasnowaythat$3,456peryearonyogafitintoaregimeofextremefrugality.Iwasbummed.Whilesulkingaboutthissacrifice,Irememberedaposterhangingupinmystudiothatread“Doyouwantfreeyogaclasses?”inpurplelettersacrossthetop.AndIthought,Whyyes,infact,that’sexactlywhatIwant.Therewasnoexcuse(nonewhatsoever)forthefactthatI’dneverpaidattentiontothisposterbefore,butitwasaperfectillustrationofhowmyopicI’dbeeninmypresumedfrugality.Twodayslater,Iwassittingbehindthefrontdeskbeingtrainedasayogastudioassistant.Ifeltlikeaworld-classidiotforthethousands,thousandsofdollarsI’dspentonclassesovertheyearswhenIcould’vebeengettingthemforfree.Nevermindthat,notimeforregrets.Ilearnedhowtonavigatethecomputersystem(turnsout,there’sawholesuiteofsoftwarejustforyogastudios),howtorunthecreditcardmachine,howtomopthestudio,andhowtotakeoutthetrashafterclass.I’ddiscoveredthewonderfulworldofbarterandtrade,whichmymodernculturaltraininghadinformedmewasdead.False,IlearnedasIasked,“Howwouldyouliketopayforclassthisevening?”andthenrolledoutmymatforfree.Mynewfoundunderstandingoftheroleofbarterandtradeinourmodern

economyservedmewellasIfrugalizedeveryaspectofmylife.I’dalwaysconsidereditanantiquatedconceptwithnopresenceinourmarketeconomy,but

considereditanantiquatedconceptwithnopresenceinourmarketeconomy,buthowwrongIwas.Intheyearssinceuncoveringthismagicalfreeyogahack,I’veheardfromfolksallaroundtheworldwhohaveasimilarbarterandtradearrangementwiththeiryoga/ballet/Pilates/CrossFitstudio/gym/pool.Theopportunitiestotradeyourtimeareavailable;youjusthavetoseekthemout.Aftercombingthroughourentirerundownofexpensesandstrikingoff

restaurantsandnewclothesandhaircutswithbarelyahesitationofthedeletekey,IlandedonanotherluxuryIdidn’twanttosacrifice:seltzerwater.Yes,Isaidseltzerwater.NateandIarebubbly-waterfanaticsbecauseit’showwebothquitdrinkingsoda.Icravecarbonationmorethantheersatzflavorsofsoda,soseltzerwasmydeliverancefromboththeexpenseandthehealthdetrimentsoffizzypop.Wedon’taddsyrupsorflavorstoourseltzer,soit’sjustplainoldH2O;however,theinsertsforourSodaStreamseltzermachinestillcostmoney.Quiteabitofmoney,asitturnedout.NateandIweredrinkingawhopping180litersofseltzerpermonth,which,incaseyou’rewondering,requiredthatwepurchasethreeSodaStreamCO2insertsamonthattherateof$15apop.Don’tworry,I’lldothemathforyou:that’s$45permonthandastaggering$540peryearonbubblywater.Thishadtochange.Sinceseltzerwasoneofouridentifiedpriorities(don’tlaugh,everyone’sprioritiesaredifferent...)werealizedwe’dhavetodeviseafrugalalternative.EvertheindustriousfrugalDIY-er,Natefiguredoutawaytohackour

SodaStreammachinetohookituptoagigantic(OK,justtwenty-pound)CO2

tank,whichmeantourfizzywaternowcostsomethinglikehalfapennyperservingasopposedtothe$540peryearwewerespendingonSodaStreaminserts.Atwenty-poundtankofCO2cost$35and,sinceweusedroughlytwotanksannually,wewereontracktosave$470peryear.Sure,itwould’vebeencheapesttosimplydoawaywithourbubblesentirely,butwewantedtoembracealifestyleofluxuriousfrugality.Alifestylewhereweweresavinganinordinatelyhighpercentageofourincomes,butalsoenjoyinglife.Sincethiswasaquesttocreatealifewetrulyloved,wesawnopointinmakingourselvesmiserableintheprocess.Thesetypesoffrugalsubstitutionsandalternativeswereallaroundus.We

marveledateverythingwe’dbeenunwittinglyoverpayingfor.Bybringingcreativityandingenuitytoourconsumption,wewereabletodrasticallyreduceouroverallspending.I’llgrantyouthat$470mightnotsoundlikeawholelotofmoneytosave,butwhatyouhavetorememberisthatonceyoueliminateanexpense,you’veeliminateditforever.It’snotthatweweresavingamere$470inoneyear,weweresaving$470everyyearfortherestofourlives(oratleast,untilwestopdrinkingseltzer,whichIimaginewillbeafterwe’redead).Plus,all

ofoursavingswerestackedoneontopoftheother,whichishowyoucreateanextremelyfrugallifestyle.Weweren’tsavingjust$470onseltzerperyear,weweresaving$470plusthe$3,456onyogaplus$1,008onhaircuts...andonandonandonuntilweweresavingthousandsuponthousandsofdollarseverysingleyear.Forever.There’satheoryinbehavioraleconomicsrelatedtolossaversionpositingthat

onceweacclimatetoacertainlevelofluxuryorownershipinourlives—beitseltzerorexpensiveyogaclasses—wefinditnearlyimpossibletothenlivewithoutthisluxury.Givingthesethingsupfeelslikedeprivationbecausewe’veacclimatedourselvestotheirpresenceinourlives.Knowingthis,andknowingthatwewantedtosustainalowercostoflivingforever,NateandIputalotoftimeandeffortintodevisingourfrugalworkarounds.Idon’tthinktheroutetosuccessfulfrugalityentailsbrutallyslashingeverythingfromyourbudget,becauseyou’reboundtoendupinthatdeprivedstatethatbehavioraleconomistshavedocumented.Rather,thekeyistoidentifylessexpensiveoptionsthat’llyieldthesameorasimilarendresult.Thus,youendupnotfeelingdeprived,yousaveaboatloadofmoney,andyouaremotivatedtofindevenmoreopportunitiesfordramaticchangesandtheresultingsavings.Onceyoubegindowntheroadoffrugalizing,it’snearlyimpossibletostop.Itbecomesagame,acompetition,andaninvigoratingchallenge.Yougettowinatyourownlife.Intheunfurlingofthispersonalfrugalitybootcamp,NateandImadethe

discoverythatwewerebothsecond-marshmallowkids.Notliterally,asweweren’tluckyenoughtobeactualsubjectsinthisresearchexperiment,butwefallintoacategoryofpeoplewiredfromanearlyagefordelayedgratification.You’veprobablyheardofwhat’softenreferredtoastheStanfordmarshmallowstudyofthe’60sand’70s,inwhichpreschoolersunderwentanow-classictestindelayedgratification.Inthisexperiment,researcherssatapreschooleratadeskaloneinaroom,withtwomarshmallowsatopthedeskandthefollowinginstructions:theresearcherneededtoleavetheroomforamomentandthechildcouldeithereatonemarshmallowwhiletheresearcherwasabsentor,ifthechildcouldwaituntiltheresearcherreturned,thechildcouldeatbothmarshmallows.Someofthekidsarelike,“hey,birdinthehand!”andgobbleone’mallow.Butother,weirderkids,likemeandNate,agonizinglywaitfortheresearchertoreturninordertosavorthepromised,greaterprizeoftwomarshmallows.WhenIwasinsecondgrade,myteachergaveuscouponsforgoodbehavior

thatwecouldredeemforprizes.Therewerepencilsanderasersyoucouldgetforfivecoupons,arubberballfortencoupons,andothernominalkidtrinketsforeachincrementofcouponssaved.Attheverytopoftheprizebookshelf,therewasarowofstuffedanimalsthatwereredeemableforonehundred

couponseach.Onehundredcouponsisalotofgoodbehavior.Onehundredcouponsismonths’worthoflistening,walkinginline,raisingyourhand,beingagoodfriend,notcuttingpeoplewithscissors,andturningyourworkinontime.IhadmyeyeonaCareBearonthattopshelf,TenderheartBeartobeprecise,andIwatchedTenderheartBearallyearlong.Istudiedher(his?genderwasneverclear...)beamingbearsmileandthebigredheartstitchedonherchest.EverytimeIcollectedacoupon,fornoteatingglueandforrememberingmypermissionslip,IstoleaglanceatTenderheartBear,planning,plotting,waiting.InMay1992,whichwasthefinalmonthofmysecond-gradecareer,Ihadonehundredcouponsatlast.IgottotakeTenderheartBearhomewithme.Shewascoveredindustbecause,asmyteacherexplainedtomymom,thosebigstuffedanimalshadbeensittinguponthattopshelfforyears.Idon’tknowwhyNateandIarebothsoattunedtothemeritsofdelayed

gratification,butit’sanattributewe’vebroughtoutandenhancedineachother.Sacrificingshort-termdesireslikelattesandsconesonSaturdayafternoonsforthelong-termgainsoflivinglifeonourowntermsmakesrationalsensetobothofus.Italsoappealstoouringraineddesireforefficiency.Webothrecognizedthatthepleasurewe’dderivefromthoseweeklydopamine(nottomentionsugar)hitsofourlattetreatscouldn’tcompetewiththepromiseofnothavingtoslumpingrayscalecubicleseveryMondaythrougheveryFridayfornearlyeveryyearofouradultlives.Sincewewereworkingtowardanever-crystallizinggoalofdecampingtothewoods,frugalitywasn’taboutwhatweweregivingup;itwasentirelyaboutwhatweweregoingtogain.

8LessMakeup,MoreConfidence

IfiguredoutthatifIputmymakeuponwhileridingthenumber64busintowork,Icouldsleepanextratenminuteseverymorning.Afterstabbingmyselfintheeyeballwithmascara,Ilearnedtowaitforredlights.Istartedtoexaggeratemysnoozebuttonusageandcutitcloserandcloser,tothepointwhereIhadfifteenminutesbetweencrawlingoutofbedandsprintingtothebusstopfiveblocksawayatanunassumingspotonthesidewalkinCentralSquare,Cambridge,betweentheIndiaPavilionandFalafelPalacerestaurants.OnemorningIclimbedontothebusoutofbreath,owingtothefactthatasIcamedownthesidewalk,I’dseenthenumber64sittingattheredlightbeforemystopandboltedtointerceptthebussothatIwouldn’thavetowaittwentyminutesforthenextone.Isankintoaseatneartheback,frustratedwithmyjobandthisrushed,ridiculousroutinetogettomydeskeverydayby9a.m.Ipawedaroundinmypurse,absentmindedlyatfirst,thenwithgrowingfranticness,andthentookeverythingoutslowly,oneitematatime,knowingbutnotwantingtoacceptthatI’dforgottenmymakeupbag.Ileanedmyheadbackontothecollarofmycoatandmoaned.Iconsideredgettingoffatthenextstopandwalkingbackhome,grabbingmy

makeupbag,andthencatchingthenextnumber64thatwasdueinseventeenminutes.ButIwasfrazzledandalreadylate.SoIcameupwithaplan.Igotoffthebusatwork,walkedacrossthestreettotheCVSdrugstore,andbought$50worthofmoisturizer,powder,concealer,blush,eyeliner,eyeshadow,mascara,

worthofmoisturizer,powder,concealer,blush,eyeliner,eyeshadow,mascara,andlipstick.Ihauledmygoodsovertoworkandwentintoabathroomnotonmyfloor,hopingtoavoidhavingoneofmycolleaguesseemeunwrapthispileofbrand-newmakeupandapplyitrightthereatthebathroomsinkwhileIwassupposedtobeinmycubicle.Ihadn’tconsideredgoingtoworkthatdaywithoutmakeupforevenamoment.Startingmyfreshmanyearofhighschool,Ineverwentanywherewithout

makeup,becauseIharboredadeep-seatedbeliefthatsomethingwaswrongwiththewayIlookednaturally.Ithoughtmyhairwaseithertoooilyortoodryortoofullortoothin,andmyskinwasplaguedwithincidents,likeoldchickenpoxscars,thatIwantedtoplasterover.Atfourteen,IforesawalifetimeofdefectsI’dhavetofightagainst.ItstartedwithmyacneandIfiguredthat,soonenough,I’dneedtocombatwrinklesandgrayhair.Inmyearlytwenties,IhadanearnestconversationwithmyfriendAlishaaboutwhetherweshouldstartusingantiwrinklecreamunderoureyesasaprophylactic.I’mnotsurewherethisself-loathingoriginated—whetherfrombeautyindustryadstargetingeverypartofmybodyandthatseemedtopreyon,andevencreate,insecuritiesinwomen,orthepopulargirlsatschoolwhohadthisbody-morphingallfiguredoutwiththeirdetailedmakeupregimensandmagazine-worthyhair,ormyownadolescentinsecurities.Whateverthecase,I’dinternalizedthemessagethatIneededtofixmyself.Tochangemyself.Ialsobegantounderstandthatwomenareexpectedtodoeverything:wemustbeconsummatecareerists,dotingmothers,andaboveallelseimmaculatelyturnedout,nevermindthetime,money,andconfidencethisdrainsfromus.Luckyforme,theproblemsIperceivedIhad—andplentyIhadn’teven

thoughtofbefore,likeacommercialthatonceinducedmetogomeasuremyeyelashesbecausemaybetheyweren’tlongenough—couldbesolvedwithmoney.Allthenaturalinclinationsofmybody,itsodors,itstendencytogrowhairinplacesotherthanthetopofmyhead,shouldbefoughtagainst.Furthermore,IshouldbeembarrassedifIdidn’t.Itwasn’tjustthelipglossadsinSeventeenmagazinethatfannedmyadolescentself-doubt;itwasotherwomentoo.IcalibratedwhatIshoulddobasedonthemandfeltIhadnovoice,noagencytobreakaway.WhowasItosaythatwewomenshouldabandonshoesthatcausebunions,andreclaimhoursofourlivesspentstraighteningcurlyhairandcurlingstraighthair?Isignedupforthislifelongpursuitofanair-brushed,plasticizedversionofwomanhoodatfourteenandwasaraptconsumerforthenextsixteenyears.IhatedhowIlookedasateenager,whichwasironicconsideringthat’swhenIlookedmostlikethisidealizedversion.I’dstandinfrontofthemirrorandoutlinemyflaws,tickingdownamentallistInurtured.Ifantasizedaboutsomehowperfectingmyself,ofdeletingfatandacne,of

Ifantasizedaboutsomehowperfectingmyself,ofdeletingfatandacne,ofaddingcurves.Iperformedthisself-defeatingritualuntil,I’membarrassedtosay,Iwasthirtyyearsold.Notcoincidentally,itwasrightaboutthetimeNateandIembarkedonourjourneyofextremefrugality.SincefrugalitycausedmetoidentifyalltheareaswhereIwasspendingmoneyinwaysthatwereunfulfilling,italsocausedmetoidentifyalltheareaswhereIwasspendingmytimeandenergyinwaysthatwereunfulfilling.Shamingmybodyonadailybasis?Decidedlyunfulfilling,nottomentionawasteoftimeand,veryoften,awasteofmoneyasIsearchedoutproductstohelpremedymybodilycrisisoftheday.I’dinternalizednegativemessagesaboutmyappearancefromanearlyage,butthatwasanold,worn-outbattlethatIcouldgiveup.JustlikeDunkin’Donutsicedteas,Icouldeliminatethisuglyobsessionfrommylife.Afterthisrevelation,Inevercriticizedmybodyagain.Aboutsixmonthsafterlaunchingournewlifeasextremefrugalityadherents,

Inoticedmyconcealerstickwasrunninglow.Iscrapedoutthedregsofface-coloredmudwithmyfingernailandsmearedit

asthinlyaspossibleovermypimples.I’mplaguedwithlifelongacne,soatthirty,myfacelookedroughlythesameasithadwhenIwassixteen,dottedwithwhiteheadsandangry,red,mosquito-bite-sizepimples.Irakedthrougheverydrawerinmybathroom,hopingtofindasampleconcealermymomhadsentmefromaCliniquegiftsetthatshehadn’twanted.Noluck.IsearchedonlinetoseeifIcouldsignupforfreesamplesfromsomewhere,anywhere.Ihaunteddrugstoreshopingthey’ddiscounttheirmakeupatsomepoint(theydidn’t).NateandIhadobliteratedallofourunnecessaryexpensesandwerenow

spendingunder$1,000amonthoneverythingbutourmortgagepayment.Icouldn’tjustifywastingmoneyonmakeupwhenwe’dgivenupbuyingsignedfirst-editionbooksthroughourlocalbookstore’sfirst-editionclub.IdecidedIwasn’tsomeonewhowouldforgoaninscribedMargaretAtwoodinfavorofaMaybellineconcealerstick.Itsmackedofvacuousness.IwaspryingthelastofmyeyeshadowoutwithatoothpickonemorningwhentheabsurdityofwhatIwasdoingdawnedonme:Whywasn’tIsolvingtherootofthisproblem?Whydidn’tIjuststopwearingmakeup?ThesimpleansweristhatIthoughtIdidn’tlookgoodwithoutmakeup.Myself-worthwasintertwinedwithmyappearance.Iwasashamedofmydependenceonthisstuffandofhowdifficultitwasfor

metoevenconsiderlivingwithoutit.Breakingawayfromtraditionalconsumernormsasitrelatedtomyspending

hadopenedmyeyestoalltheotherwaysinwhichI’dmoldedmyselftofitculturalexpectations.Ididn’teverparticularlyenjoytheprocessofwearingmakeup,butI’dalsoneverconsideredstoppingbefore.Itwasn’tuntilIhadtheexperienceofself-liberationfrommypreviouslymindlessconsumerismthatI

experienceofself-liberationfrommypreviouslymindlessconsumerismthatIwasabletoreflectonmyadherencetonormsofotherstripes.Itwasanentireprocessofmelearningtoletgoofeverythingthatwasn’tdeeplyimportanttomeasaperson.Nottomeasapersontryingtoimpressothers,orconformtoastandard,orfitastereotype,buttomeonmyownasanindividual.Ihadmyownvoice,Icouldmakemyowndecisions,andforthefirsttimeIwasgoingto.Acknowledgingthepresenceofmyaddictioncementedmyresolvetostop.I

figuredI’dtakethesameapproachIdoatthebeachwhereIinchintocoldwavesonerungofmybodyatatimesothatwhenthewaterlapsatmyshoulders,I’mfullyacclimatedanddon’tevenrealizeI’msubmerged.I’deliminateonepieceofmakeupperweek.First,IstoppedpaintingmynailseverySundayafternoon.IfeltlikeapeasantandspentthenextMondayatworkwaitingforsomeonetocommentonmybare,pedestriannails.Noonenoticed.Nextup,Ididn’twearblush.Then,Ieliminatedpowder.Thefollowingweek,concealerwasgone.Ittookmeanentiremonthtophaseeverythingout.Lasttogowassupposedtobemascara,butIcouldn’tdoit.Itstayedonasmysecurityblanketagainstanaked,revealedface.Buttheconcealer,theblush,thepowder,theeyeshadow,theeyeliner,thenailpolish,andthelipstick?Allgone.IthoughtIlookedanemicandatouchAmish.I’dbecomemoreaccustomedtomyfake,made-upfacethanmyactual,naturalface.I’dembodiedtheprescribedsocietalstandardsofbeautytosuchanextentthatIsawmymakeup-lessfaceasafailure.Atthesametime,IwasinvigoratedthefirstdayIwenttoworkwithoutmakeup.IfeltlikeI’daccomplishedsomething,likeI’dvanquishedanoldfoethat’d

doggedmeforyears,hangingovermyshoulderwhispering,“You’renotgoodenough”inmyear.I’dthrownoffthistormenteranditmademefeelpowerful.IfIcoulddothis,whatelsecouldIachieve?Thiswasn’ttheachievementofmyoldlife,ofmypersistent,unhappydriveforexternalaccolades;thiswasanachievementjustforme.Nooneelsewouldnoticeorcare,butIwouldknow.Iwouldcare.Iwouldfeelbetter.Notwearingmakeupdidn’tchangemyrelationships.Iwasnomoreorless

likedandIwasnomoreorlesssuccessful.AllthoseyearsI’dwastedsomuchtimestressingoutoverwhatpeoplethoughtaboutmyabilitytoapplyeyeliner,wheninrealitytheydidn’tevennotice.Myfeministinteriormonologue,which’dbeenrunningsinceIwasfiveyearsoldandtoldmyparentsIdidn’twanttogotochurchunlesswomencouldbepriests,wasnowwrittenasadeclarationofindependenceonmyface.Iwasn’tgoingtodothingsthatmademeunhappyanymore,notwithmymoney,notwithmyappearance,notwithmylife.IwasgainingconfidenceinwhoIamatmycoreandwhatIlooklikewithoutaveneerofself-imposed“shoulds”coveringupmyfaceandmyactions.Aroundthissametime,Ihadacome-to-Jesusmomentwithmyclothes

Aroundthissametime,Ihadacome-to-Jesusmomentwithmyclothesbecausetheywereanotheringredientinmylackofconfidence.Myconceptionofmyself-worthstartedwithmyfaceandextendeddownto

myshoes,anditranonlyskindeep.Ihadwaytoomuchclothing.Waytoomuch.Afterdoinganinventoryofmycloset,IrealizedIcouldwearadifferentoutfiteverysingledayfortwomonthsstraight.Wow.Iboughtclothestotreatmyself,ahabitmymotherstartedmeonwhenIwasveryyoung.We’dgoshopping,alwaysforsales,butwithoutneedingthestuffwecame

homewith.I’dconflatedthefactthatapersonneedstowearclotheswithclothesbeinga“need.”Iwasathrift-store,garage-sale,andKohl’sclearance-rackhunterandIrarelyspentmorethan$20peritem;evenmyredBananaRepublicraincoatwasjust$18fromahigh-endconsignmentshopinaritzysuburbofBoston.I’dalwaysthoughtIwassocleverwiththesedealsIfound.ButI’dmissedthetruismthateverysaleintheworldwon’tsaveyouasmuchmoneyassimplynotbuyinganything.Buyingclothesdidn’tautomaticallymakememoreconfidentormorebeautiful;itjustautomaticallymeantIhadlessmoney.Plus,clothingcouldn’tmaskthefactthatIwasunhappywithhowmylifewasunfolding.TheywereasmokescreenthatIemployedinanefforttoappearpolished,poised,andhappywhen,inreality,Ifelttheopposite.Ireasonedthatdoingawaywiththiscamouflagewouldallowmetoinsteaddrawoutmyinteriorself.IlovewinningsoIwasexhilaratedwithsuccessovertheforkliftsofmoney

weweresavingeverymonth.Frugalityhadbecomeacompetitionthatpittedusagainstourerstwhileconsumption.Andwewererockingit.Wantingtowinitevenmore,Idecidedtostopbuyingclothes.BackingradschoolwhenIneededtoloseweight,Ididn’tparedownto,say,afewCheetosperweek;Ibannedthemwholesalefrommylife.Ineededthissamerigorinordertostopbuyingclothes.IfI’dlaidoutsomewishy-washygroundruleslike,“Oh,I’llbuyonlynecessities,”Iwould’vecomeupwithanexcuseforwhyablacktaffetadresswithagoldlaceoverlay(somethingIdo,infact,own)wasa“necessity.”Instead,Iimposedanall-outbanonbuyingclothesthatincludedsocks,underwear,shoes,andaccessories.Clothes,likemakeup,wereemotionalpurchasesforme.Theyfilledavoidinmyself-worth,shoppingforthemwasahobby,andIletmyoutwardappearancedefineme.NotbuyingclotheswasawaytoexperiencecontentmentwithwhatIalreadyownedinsteadofconstantlywishingforsomethingbetterornewer.I’dbeenlettingmystuffcontrolme;now,itwastimetoturnthattheotherwayaround.Ididn’tknowitthen,butIwouldn’tbuyascrapofclothingforanotherthreeyears.Completingthewomanlybeautytrifecta,Ineededtodosomethingaboutmy

hair.Fortheentirefirstyearofourextremefrugality,Idebatedmyhair.Pre-

frugality,I’dbeenspending$120fourtimesayearatthatchicsalonand,canIbehonesthere?Myhairlookedfabulous.Reallyfabulous.Butspendingmoreonhairthanwewerespendingonhouseholdsuppliesandutilitiesinamonthcombinedseemedludicrous.Plus,IwassincereinmyefforttoseverthetetherI’dwovenbetweenmyself-worthandmyappearance.IfI’dbeenabletostopwearingmakeupandstopbuyingclothes,Ishouldbe

abletodosomethingaboutmyhair.SoIstoppedgettingitcut.Thatwasafinesolutionforaboutayear,butInowhadthesamehairstyleI’dhadinfifthgrade:waist-lengthandstraight,whichwascutein1995.Now?IlookedlikeI’djoinedacultthatforbidshaircutting.IpricedoutSupercutsandwasabouttobookmyselfinforwhatIwascertain

wouldbeadisaster-with-shearsfor$25whenNateaskedifIwantedhimtocutit.I’dbeencuttinghishairforyearsnow,althoughgranted,itwasabuzzcut,whichIthinkasix-year-oldcouldmanage.It’ssortoflikemowingalawn;youjustgoinstraightlineswithsomecurvesaroundtheearsandthenyou’redone.NateandIhadgrowncloserduringthisyearofintensefrugalitybecause,inordertosavemoney,weoftenhadtodostufftogether,likecuthair,asopposedtohiringsomeone.We’dlearnedtodependoneachothertoanextentthat’suncommoninourcultureofwash-and-foldlaundrypickupandmealdeliveryservices.Giventhis,Iwasn’tsurprisedheofferedtocutit,butIwasn’tthrilledeither.MydesiretoplungefurtherintofrugalitywasstrongbecauseIhadareminderofwhyweweredoingthiseverysingleweekdaywhenIsatinmycubiclefrom9a.m.to5p.m.Andso,wedidwhatwealwaysdobeforetacklingaprojectwe’renervousabouttherepercussionsof(suchaswhenwehadtoreplumbourkitchen):weresearcheditontheInternet.IfoundafloridhairdresseronYouTubewhohadasixty-minute-long(notexaggerating)videoofhowtocutlonghairintolayers.Afterfifteenminutes,Idecidedhewasovercomplicatingthesituationandreasonedwecouldskipafewsteps,whichIhopedwasn’tlikewhenweputourIKEAdressertogetherandhadapileofscrewsleftoverandthenrealizedwe’dinstalledthedrawersbackwardandhadtotakethewholethingapartagainat10p.m.IwroteoutbulletpointsforNatetofollowandwewentintothebathroom.I

micromanagedthewholeprocess,whichNatetoleratedmoderatelywell,andafteraboutthirtyminutes(alotlesscommentaryandflourishesthanourYouTubeguy,butalotmore“Holdstillandstoptellingmewhattodo!”),wehadahaircut.Anactuallyquitegood-lookinghaircutwithlayersthatframedmymakeup-freeface.IwasratherstunnedbecausethewholetimeIwasplanningtogotothesalonafterwardandpayforabobcut.ThehaircutperformedbyNatewasn’tquitethelevelofperfectionofmy$120

cut,butitwasadarnnicefacsimilethatwe’dgottenforfree.Ineverwenttoa

cut,butitwasadarnnicefacsimilethatwe’dgottenforfree.Ineverwenttoasalonagain.Itbringsanewlevelofintimacytoamarriagewhenyourhusbandcutsyourhair.Ratherthanthisbeingastressful,divisiveexperience,itgaveusanotheropportunitytocollaborate,todependoneachother,toweaveourbondtighter,andtobepartnersineverysense.Igrewupbelievingthatcuttingyourownhairissomethingdoneonlyby1)three-year-olds,2)postbreakupwomenconvincedtheyneedbangsafterconsuminganentirebottleofChablis,and3)anyoneinacult(theyreallyhavePRissuesaroundhair).I’dpaidforhaircutseverythreemonthsofmylifewithoutevertestingthistheoryformyself.Wecanbrainwashourselvesintothinkingwecan’tsolveanythingonourownwithoutexpensiveinterventions.YetIfindoverandoverandoveragainthatwhenIactuallyauditthisconventionalwisdom,Iuncoveraflimsyveneerthat’seasilydismantledbyadeterminedfrugalperson.Inthecourseofundoingmypreviouslyconventional,time-consuming,and

expensivebeautyroutines,Icametorealizethatwomenareexpectedtolook,dress,act,andeventhinkacertainway.DespitebeinganavowedfeministmarriedtoaguywhotookAdvancedTheoriesinFeministThoughtwithmeoursenioryearofcollege,I’dhewedtomainstreamexpectationsleviedonwomen.I’dwornmakeupandheelswhenIdidn’twantto,boughtclothesIdidn’tneed,andpaidcloseto$500ayearforsomeonetoclipmysplitends.Butthatpathneverbroughtmefulfillment.Allitdidwasenrollmeinanendlesscarouselofconsumerismthatspunaroundandaround,promisingI’dreachperfectionafterthenextturn,butinsteadpummelledmewithpromptstobuymorestuff.I’dinternalizedwhatsocietysaidwasimportant,andmadeitimportanttome.IwaslearningthatthispursuitofperfectionI’denslavedmyselftofromtheageoffourteenwasahoax.ItwasdesignedtokeepmebuyingthingsIdidn’tneedandworkingajobIdidn’tcareabout,inordertoslotmyselfintopreconceivedsocietalexpectations.Iwasdonewiththat.I’dstartedoutsimplynotwantingtospendmoneyonmakeup,clothes,and

hair,andyes,Iwasnowontracktosavethousandseveryyearinthosecategories.Muchmoreprofound,however,wasthechangethisbroughtaboutinmythinking.I’dbuiltconfidencefromtheknowledgethatIwasOKonmyown,baredasIwasofmakeupandstrippedofnewclothesandwithoutexpensivehair.Iwasstillavaluableperson.Iwasstillsmartandworthwhile.AndIdaresay,I

nowhadmoretosay.AllIdidwasstopdoingthings.Ididn’tgoonapilgrimageorhaveanear-deathexperienceorgetamakeover,Ijustgaveupunnecessaryactivitiesofconsumption.Indoingso,ItransformedhowIfeltaboutmyself.Iwasnolongerpreoccupiedwithmyappearance;Iwaspreoccupiedwithchangingmyself,withevolvingandmaturing.I’dthoughtmymaturationwas

changingmyself,withevolvingandmaturing.I’dthoughtmymaturationwasfinishedinhighschoolwhenIsteppedontothisconsumercarousel,butInowsawtherewasaworldIcouldliveinonmyownterms.Iwasbornagain.LettinggoofcaringwhatotherpeoplethoughtenabledmetofigureoutwhatIreallywantedoutoflife,notwhatsocietywantedoutofmylife.Icametounderstandthat,intheend,theonlypersonwhotrulycareshowyouliveyourlifeisyou.

9WhatIsFinancialIndependence

Anyway?

It’dbeenoverayearsinceNateandImadethedecisiontoabandonourconventionallives,andweweresmackinthedoldrumsofourthree-yearplan:stillworking,stilllivinginthecity,butresolvedthatthiswasn’tourdestiny.Ourearlymonthsofextremefrugalitywerepunctuatedbytheheadylustofnovelty.We’dthrilledateachnewdollarsavedandfrugalhackuncovered.Butnow,we’dreachedwhatweconsideredourpeakleveloffrugalitywithasavingsratethatcrested82percentsomemonths,apercentagethatdidn’tevenincludeour401(k)contributionsormortgageprincipal.Therewasn’tanythinglefttoinnovatewithoursavings;itwassimplyamatterofdepositingmoneyintoouraccountseverymonthandwaitingforthetotalstoreachthenumberthatwouldequalourfinancialindependence.Thephrase“financialindependence”isabitproblematicinitsvagueness,and

therearemanydifferentinterpretationsofwhatexactlyitentails.Iviewfinancialindependenceasthepointatwhichyounolongerhavetoearnmoneyinordertolive.Inotherwords,yourassetsaresuchthatyoucanliveoffofthemwithouttheinfluxofamonthlypaycheck.Ifyouwanttoworkyoucan,butyoudon’thavetoinordertopayyourbillsandfeedyourfamily.Youarefreedfromtheneedtoearnmoney;ergo,youarefinanciallyindependent.ThisiswhatNateandIwereworkingtoward.Wewantedtohaveenoughmoneysavedupsuch

andIwereworkingtoward.Wewantedtohaveenoughmoneysavedupsuchthatwecouldchoosetoworkifwewantedto,butwouldn’thavetoworkinordertosurvive.NateandIdeterminedthatwe’dbefinanciallyindependentwhenasustainablerateofwithdrawalfromourassetscomfortablyexceededourconservativeexpenseprojections.OnceNateandIwerefinanciallyindependent,ourassetswouldcomprisethe

followingfiveelements:

1. 401(k)s.Thefirstcomponentswereourtraditionalretirementaccounts,whichinourcasewereanemployer-sponsored401(k)andanemployer-sponsored403(b).NateandIeachcontributedtheIRS-specifiedmaximumamounttoourrespectiveaccountseachyear,whichatthetimewas$18,000annually.YoucandeterminethecurrentmaximumallowablecontributionlimitbycheckingtheIRSwebsite.Ouremployersalsocontributedapercentagetotheseaccountseachyear,calleda“match,”whichisabenefitthat’sofferedbysomeemployers.Ifyouremployeroffersamatching401(k)or403(b),startcontributingtoittodaybecausethosematchingfundsarefreemoney.Contributionstotheseaccountsarepretaxandcan’tbeaccessedwithoutpenaltiesbeforeage59.5.Iwillnotethatthereareexceptionstothisrule,suchastheRothIRAconversionladder;butingeneral,youshouldn’ttoucha401(k)untilyou’re59.5.ThereasonNateandIchosetocontributesuchlargeamountstotheseaccountsistwofold.Firstofall,ouremployersbothofferedamatch,whichmeanstheydepositedmoneyintoouraccountsasabonusforuscontributingmoneyintotheseaccounts.Soundslikeanimpossibleunicornoffreemoney,butit’sreal!If

you’renotsurewhatyourcompanyoffersintermsofretirementplans,askyourHRdepartmenttomorrow.Orlatertoday.Orrightnow.Seriously,putthebookdownandsendthemanemailthisinstant.Thereasontostartcontributingtoa401(k)or403(b)atayoungageisthepowerofcompoundinginterest.Theearlieryouinvestmoneyinthemarket,themoremoneyyou’ll

makebecausethelongeryou’llbeinvested.Donotwaituntilyou’reolder—it’llbetoolatetobenefitfromthatcompoundinginterest.ThesecondreasonNateandIweresuchavid401(k)proponentsis

thatcontributionsto401(k)saremadepretax,whichmeansthesecontributionsloweryourtaxableincome.Thisisagoodthingbecauseitmeansyoupaylessintaxesnow.Yes,youdohavetopaytaxeswhen

itmeansyoupaylessintaxesnow.Yes,youdohavetopaytaxeswhenyouwithdrawthismoneyatage59.5orolder,butthelinchpinisthatyourtaxratewilllikelybeloweratthatage,becauseyou’relikelytohavestoppedworking.Ifyou’renotretiredat59.5,waituntilyouarebeforeyoubeginmakingwithdrawalsfromyour401(k).Bydoingthis,youreduceyourtaxburdeninyourhighestearningyearsandthenyoupaythosetaxesinyourlowestearningyears.Taxratesarecalibratedoffofyourincome,sothisworksinyourfavor.Anotheradvantage?Manyemployersoffertheabilitytocontributetoyour401(k)directlyfromyourpaycheck,soyouneverevenseethemoneyorhavethechancetoconsiderspendingit.It’sagreatwaytoforce/motivateyourselftosave.

2. Investmentsintheformoflow-feeindexfunds.Thisiswherethebulk

ofmycashhangsout.Indexfundsare,inmyopinion,thebestwaytoinvestbecausethefeesarelow,youcanmanagethemyourself,andtheyoftenoutperformactivelymanagedfunds.Indexfundsarealsoidealbecausethey’reaheavilydiversifiedwaytoinvest,sinceyou’reinvestedacrosstheentiremarket.Buttherealwinwithindexfundsistheirabsenceofhighfees,whicharewhatyou’llencounterwithaportfoliomanagerandwhatwillcrippleyournetworthinthelongrun.Thereasontoinvestinthemarket,asopposedtokeepingallofyour

moneyinacheckingorsavingsaccount,isthatinvestingishowyoubuildwealth.Inorderforyourmoneytomakemoney,acertainamountofriskmustbeundertaken.Historically,thestockmarkethasgenerateda7percentaverageannualreturn.Andyes,themarketdoesgoupanddownbecausethat’stheverynatureofthestockmarket.Butthethingtorememberisthathistorydemonstratesthatthemarketalwayseventuallygoesup.EvenaftertheGreatRecession,themarketrebuiltitself.Notimmediately,butovertime.Successfulinvestingentailsthefollowing:buyingandholdingdiversified,low-feestocksfordecades,avoidingthetemptationtotimethemarket,notpullingmoneyinandoutofthemarket,andnotfollowingthemarketonadailybasis.Investandhold(foryearsuponyears)and,morelikelythannot,yourmoneywillmakemoremoney.Thisisanoversimplificationofinvesting,andthereareother

variablessucharebalancingandassetallocation,aswellasdecreasingyourexposuretoriskasyouneartraditionalretirementage,butthisisthebasicgist.Ifyouwanttogrowyourwealth,youneedtoavail

thebasicgist.Ifyouwanttogrowyourwealth,youneedtoavailyourselfofthestockmarket.Investinginlow-feeindexfundsisasstraightforwardasanyotherfacetofonlinebanking,andyoucansetupanaccountonlinebyyourselfinminutes.Youwillneedtoselectabrokeragethatofferslow-feeindexfunds,andthenyouwillneedtosetupanaccountandtransferoversomemoneytogetstarted.Inordertoremovehumanerrorandtheveryhumantemptationto

timethemarket,Isimplyinvestmoneyeverymonth.Ouraccountissetuptoautomaticallyinvestaspecifiedamountofmoneyeverymonth,sothatwe’reconstantlyaddingtoourinvestmentswithoutconcerningourselvesoverwhatthemarkethappenstobedoingataparticularmomentintime.Aswith401(k)s,thebesttimetostartinvestingwasyesterday,andthesecond-besttimeistoday.

3. Realestate.OurCambridgehomewouldbecomearevenue-generating

rentalpropertyandwe’dalsoownahomesteadproperty,whichwouldbeourprimaryresidence.WedecidedtoholdontoourCambridgehomeasarentalbecauseitrentsoutataratethat’scomfortablycashflowpositive,anditrepresentsdiversificationinourotherwiseindexfund–heavyportfolioofassets.Thispropertyalsoprovidesuswithapassivestreamofincome;in

otherwords,wemakemoneyeverymonthwithoutneedingtodoanythingforthismoney.Wehaveapropertymanagerforthisrental,sowereallydon’tdoanything.Iwillcautionthatthisisagrossoversimplificationofrealestate

investing,andIdon’trecommenddivingintorentalswithoutfirstdoingthoroughresearch.It’salsoverytruethatsomemarketsarebetterforrentalsthanothers.Agreatmanyfactorsgointowhetherornotarentalwillbesuccessful.Ithinkit’stellingthat,despiteacapacitytoownmorerentalproperties,NateandIchoosetostickwithjustthisone.Inmanycases,there’salotofriskandvolatilityinvolvedwithservingasalandlord,althoughit’salsotruethatthereturncanbemuchgreaterthanwhatonewouldexperienceinthestockmarket.Allthatistosay,it’sanotheravenueforinvestingandgeneratingpassiveincome,butonethatshouldbeexhaustivelyresearched.

4. Adonoradvisedfund.NateandIhaveadonoradvisedfund(DAF),

whichisatax-advantagedvehiclethroughwhichwecontributeto

charitieseveryyear.DAFsallowdonorstotakeataxdeductionforthefullamountoftheircontributiontotheirfundinthecalendaryearthatthecontributionwasmade.Inlightofthis,it’swisetostartaDAF,andtodepositasignificantamountofmoneyintoitduringahightaxyearforyourfamily,asitreducesyourtaxableincomeforthatyear.Then,donorsallocategrantstononprofitsoftheirchoiceatanytime

theywish.DAFsareinvestedinthestockmarket,whichmeanstheygrowtax-free,thusaugmentingyouroverallbaseofphilanthropicsupport.Thankstothis,DAFsareawonderfulwaytoensurethatNateandIwillbeabletosupportcharitiesfordecadestocomewhileavoidingcapitalgainstaxes.IfirmlybelievethatNateandIareexceedinglyfortunateandthebeneficiariesofagreatdealofprivilege;hence,it’simportanttousthatwegiveback.Supportingcharitiesisanelementofourfinancialplanthatwewantedtoenshrineinaformalizedway.ADAFcanbeanexcellentvehicleforstrategicallyplanningoutyourphilanthropyforalifetime.

5. Cash.Finally,wemaintainaroundfourmonths’toayear’sworthof

livingexpensesincash,heldinagoodold-fashionedcheckingaccount.It’scrucialtohavesomeofyourassetsincash(inasavingsorcheckingaccount),asthisservesasyouremergencyfund.Ifsomethingcatastrophichappens,youwanttohavesufficientcashonhandtohandlethecrisiswithoutgoingintodebt.Forexample,sayyouloseyourjobtomorrowandyourcarconvenientlybreaksdownatthesametime.Youneedenoughmoneyinyourbankaccounttocoverallofyourlivingexpenses(rent/mortgage,groceries,medicine,etc.)whileyoujobsearch,andyouneedenoughmoneytopaytofixyourcarsothatyoucandrivetojobinterviews.Insertanyotherhealthcrisis/urgenthomerepair/changeinemployment/familysituationasanexampleofwhyyouneedanemergencyfund.Ifyou’rejuststartingoutonyourfinancialindependencejourney,

oneoftheveryfirststepsistobuildupanemergencyfundofcash.There’snosubstituteforthis,andthere’snowayaroundit—youneedtohavereadilyavailablecashtoserveasyourbufferagainstcalamity.Acar,ahouse(evenonethat’spaidoff),orasetofexpensivechinadoesnotcountasemergencyfunds.Neitherdostocks.Neitherdoesrealestate.Inordertobefinanciallysound,youmusthaveatleastthreetosixmonths’worthoflivingexpensessavedupinasavingsorcheckingaccount.

checkingaccount.

WhilethisistheportfolioofassetsthatNateandIhave,yourportfoliomightbequitedifferent,whichistotallyfine.There’snoonerightwaytoachievefinancialstabilityand,eventually,

financialindependence.Hereisastep-by-stepplanthatcanserveasyourguideforgettingstarted:

1. Determineyourgoals.Whatdoyouwantoutoflife?Wheredoyouwanttobeinfiveyears,tenyears,fortyyears?Inwhatwaysareyourfinanceshelpingorhinderingyourprogresstowardthesegoals?

2. Payoffanyhigh-interestdebtasquicklyaspossible(note:afixed,low-interestratemortgageisnotincludedinthiscategory).Debtisadrainonyourlong-termnetworthandthefinancial

equivalentofaballandchainaroundyourankle.Ifyouhavehigh-interestdebtyouprobablyknowalltoowellhowexpensiveitcanbe.Doyourselfafavor,payitdownanddon’tgointodebtagain.

3. Buildinganemergencyfundisabsolutelycrucial,asdiscussedabove.4. Contributetosomeformoftraditionalretirementaccount,suchasa

401(k)or403(b),especiallyifyouremployeroffersamatchingcontribution.

5. Creatediversityinyourassets,aswedidwithourrealestateandstockmarketinvestments.

6. Growyourwealth,whichinmycaseisthroughlow-feeindexfundsandourrentalproperty.

7. Embracefrugalityinordertoachievealloftheseobjectivesmorequicklyandmoresustainably.

Ifyoucan’tsaveenough,evenwitharegimenoftrueextremefrugality,thenyouprobablyneedtolookforwaystoearnmore,eitherthroughfindinganewjoboraddingonasecondjoborsidehustle.Thereareanumberofdifferentformulasthatpeopleusetodeterminehow

muchmoneythey’llneedinordertoreachfinancialindependence,butatthemostbasiclevel,it’saquestionofhowmuchmoneyyouneedtoliveoneveryyear.Inlightofthat,thereareactuallyonlythreevariablesinthefinancial

year.Inlightofthat,thereareactuallyonlythreevariablesinthefinancialindependenceequation:income,expenses,andtime.Thelessyouspend,themoreyousave,thefasteryousaveit,andthelessmoneyyouneedoverall.Consideredinthiscontext,frugalityisacompoundingpropositionandoneofthefastestwaystoreachfinancialindependence.Ahighsalaryaloneismeaninglessifyoudon’tsaveanyofit.Themoredistanceyoucanputbetweenyourearningsandyourexpenses,thefasteryou’llreachanyfinancialgoalyouset.Whilethereareotherfactorsthatalsomustbeconsidered,suchasyourpersonaltoleranceforrisk,dependents,andhealthcare,averybasicdefinitionoffinancialindependenceisasfollows:whenasustainablelevelofwithdrawalsfromyourassetsismorethanyourongoingexpenses.Wellthatallsoundsasgoodasaboxofcupcakes.Butthecrucialthird

variableinachievingfinancialindependence—time—becameasharpthornstuckinsidemyleftsockasweroundedourfirstyearofgoalpursuit.Ineedtobeactive,proactive,andbusy.Waitingisnothighonmylistofpreferredactivities.MykindergartenreportcardsaidthatI“demonstratedimpatience.”Mrs.Baumgartnerwasspot-on.WhenNatedrivesandI’minthepassengerseat,Iclipmyfingernailsorwork

onmycomputerorwriteoutagrocerylist.Wastedtimeisanathematome.KnowingIhadtoslogthroughanothertwo

yearsinajobI’dlostpassionfor,andacityIdidn’twanttolivein,andalifeIwasdonewith,weighedmedown.AsIwalkedintoworkonemorning,Ifeltlikethewallsinthehallwayleadingtomycubiclewerenarrowing.Stillwearingmywintercoat,whichI’dfoundinatrashpileandthenwashedatalaundromat,Iwasoverheatedandalreadypresseddownbytheday,whichhadbarelybegun.MydaysfeltlikeaStyrofoamofemotion:devoidofcolorandflavor,imprintedwiththedaythat’dcomebefore,promisingmeI’dbeleftdisappointed.Ilongedforsomethingvibranttojoltmeintoconsciousness.InthepastwhenNateandIwerereadyforachange,weactedonitinamatter

ofmonths,ifnotweeks.Butthisplan,thisunconventionalideatoquitourjobsandstartahomesteadinVermont,necessitatedwewaitforyears.Wecould’vepackedourbagsandmovedimmediately,butthatwould’veentailedfarlesscertainty,somethingingrosscontradictionwithourcautious,deliberativepersonalities.NateandIarenotspontaneous.Orreckless.EventhoughIknewweweretakingthestrategicroute,onethatwouldensurewewouldn’tenduppennilessandlivinginatentinthemiddleofsomeone’sfield,IhatedthatIwaswishingmytimeaway.Iwantedtheyearstoelapsesothatwecouldgettoourdream.Iwasn’tliving,Iwasmarkingoffdays.Itwasn’tthefrugalitythatbotheredme;itwasthewaiting.Itnevercrossedmymindtogiveuponouraspirations,eventhoughgoingtoworkeverydayfeltlikewearingshoesthat

weretootight.Foronething,Iwasconfidentwewererightaboutnotwantingtospendtherestofouradultlivesconfinedtooffices,withnoagencyoverourdailyschedules.Infact,goingtoworkeverydayservedtofurthercementmyconvictionthatthiswastherightchoiceforus.Perhapsevenmorecrucially,wewereactuallyenjoyingtheprocessofextremefrugality.Like,alot.

10TurnsOut,FrugalityIsAboutMore

ThanMoney.MuchMore.

ThekitcheninourCambridgehomehadthisbulky,floor-to-ceilingcabinetthatbisectedthebreakfastnookanddemotedourotherwiserespectablekitchentoadimgalley.Coveredinshinyoakveneer,itwastheunwantedhippopotamusofkitchencabinets.Infectedwiththefeverofnew(ish)homeownersonabeautificationkickand

drunkwithdreamsofDIY,wedecidedtoripitout.Nate,thrilledwithanexcusetousehisSawzall,dismantledthemonstrosity.Ofcourseitwasonlyafterhe’dspentfourhourshackingandrippingthatwediscoveredtherewasnoflooringunderneaththisparticularcabinet.It’dbeeninsertedatop’50s-eraflorallinoleumthatwasatleasttwofloorchoicesprevioustothecurrentwood.Thatmightnotsoundtoobad,buttherewasalsonowallbehindthecabinet.Wewerenowstaringattwosquarefeetofyellowed,floralvinylandafloor-to-ceilingabsenceofdrywall.Nateaskedifitwastoonoticeable.Sincethisun-wallandun-floorfacedthefrontdoor,thestaircase,ourbedroom,thekitchen,andthelivingroom,Isaiditwasn’tifyouspentallofyourtimeinsidethebathroom.SincekeepingthisCambridgehomeasarentalpropertyafterwemadeour

movetothewoodswasakeyaspectofourfinancialindependenceplan,wedecidedtotacklecosmeticrenovationsinordertoboostthehome’sappeal(andhopefully,therentalprice).Firstupwerethekitchencabinets,allofwhichwere

hopefully,therentalprice).Firstupwerethekitchencabinets,allofwhichwere’90s-eraholdoversreekingofgoldenoakugliness.Ratherthanripthemallout,ajudiciouscallmadeafterthelessonslearnedfromhippocabinet,wedecidedtopaintthemwhite.Icalledaroundtoafewprofessionalcabinetpainters(that’sathing,asitturnsout)andtheyreturnedquotesstartingat$2,000andescalatingfromthere.Forasmallkitchen!Withnotthatmanycabinets!

Especiallywiththehippocabinetgone!Andso,aswouldhappenmanytimesintheyearstocome,NateandIelectedtodotheprojectourselves.Neitherofushadeverdonesuchathingbefore,butweweredeterminedtofigureitout.YoucandojustaboutanythingyourselfwiththeaidoftheInternet,shortofmedical,dental,orveterinarysurgery,noneofwhichIrecommendDIY-ing.Forthreeweekendsinarow,NateandIdisassembled,sanded,stripped,

paintedwhite,andthenreassembledourkitchen.Iemployedapproximately658plasticsandwichbagstosortandlabelthemillionsofpiecesofhardwarethatareapparentlynecessaryforkeepingcabinetdoorsattached.AfterreassemblingeverythingusingmyTypeAnumberedplasticbaggiesystem,thekitchenlookedfabulous!Attheveryleast,itlookedwhite!Itwasn’tperfect—therearesomethingsI’ddodifferentlynexttime,suchasbuyanelectricsanderinsteadofsandingeveryinchbyhand—butweweredelighted.Afterthishusband-wifeDIYadventure,werealizedwewereactuallyhappierwiththeendresultthanwewould’vebeenifwe’dhiredsomeone.Inadditiontospendingonly$183.45(versusthe$2,000),wewerethebeneficiariesofwhatresearcherscallthe“IKEAeffect.”It’sproventhatpeopleexperiencegreatersatisfactionwithprojectstheydothemselves,eveniftheresultissubpar,thanwithprojectstheypayotherpeopletodo.Whenwepayforaservice,weexpectalevelofperfectionthat’sunattainable.Butwhenwedoitourselves,weknowtheeffortandhardworkthatwentintotheprocess,whichleadstoahigherdegreeofcontentmentwiththefinishedproduct.Throughournow-whitekitchencabinets,thefirstnonmonetarybenefitoffrugalitywasrevealedtome.BackinMarch2014,ondayoneofthisjourney,I’dseenfrugalityasthe

necessarymeanstoourend.WhatIhadn’tanticipatedwasthatitwouldbecomeanendinandofitself.Afterasolidyearofspendingmoneyonlyonthefundamentalsoflife,theverybasestitemstogetusby(food,ourmortgage,gasforthecar,electricity,anInternetconnection,toiletpaper,andthelike),NateandIfeltlikewe’dunlockedamapthatledusoutofourpreviousmazeofmindlessconsumption,whichhadn’tsuitedus.Wewonderedifanyoneelsehaddiscoveredtheliberationofnotspending

money,ofnotbeingbeholdentoanyonebutyourself.Iwaslikesomebody’sgreat-auntwhodiscoveredthecurativepowersof

kombuchaandwillnotshutupaboutit.Isolvedthetemptationtoevangelizeby

kombuchaandwillnotshutupaboutit.Isolvedthetemptationtoevangelizebynevertalkingaboutfrugalitywithanyoneinreallife.IpouredmyzealintoFrugalwoods,sinceIfigureditwasanelectiveaudience,notjustthepersonwhounwittinglyunfurledtheirmatnexttomeinyoga.Fromoutwardappearances,Ilivedasupremelyconventionallife.Iwasmarried,Ihadajob,Iownedahouse,Ibatheddaily,IhadadogthatIcouldbeseenwalkingaroundtheneighborhood.Butontheinside?Iwasadoubleagentwho’dfiguredoutthatourconsumerculturehadco-optedourneedforcommunity,forsafety,andforlove,andpackageditupassomethingtobebought.SinceNateandIweren’tsharingourplanswithourfriendsorcoworkersjustyet,Ifeltasthoughnoonekneworunderstoodme.Frugalitydidn’tjustbecomepartofourlives;ittransformedourlivesand

becameourworldview,ourphilosophy,andverynearlyareligion.We’dstartedoutwithanurgencyaroundsavingmoney,butitevolvedtobeaboutmuchmorethanthat.Itbecameawholesalelifestyletransformation.NateandIbegantouncoverfar-reachingadvantagestofrugalitythat

outstrippedthemechanicsofspendinglesscashandgrowingournetworth.Thesatisfactionwederivedfrompaintingourownkitchencabinetswasthefirsttertiarybenefitwediscovered,andthesecondwasclosebehind:doingthisprojecttogetherbroughtuscloserinourmarriage.ForthefirsttimesinceagrouppaperforourInternationalElectionscourseincollege,NateandIwereteammatesonprojectswithtangibleresults.Ourmodernculturehaslargelydoneawaywiththeideathatamarriage—oracivilunionorapartnership—isaworkingrelationship,andinsteadtoutsthemoney-focusedsolutionof“Don’tfight,hireout!”Theanswertoourhectic,frenzied,compulsivelivesisn’ttosimplify,it’stopayotherpeopletodostuffforussothatwecanpileevermoreonouralreadygluttonousto-doplates.ThisisexactlytheroutineNateandIfellintowhenwelivedinDC,andallitservedtodowasdriveusapart.Infact,itverynearlywreckedtheclose-knitintimacywe’dcreatedduringouruncomplicatedearlydaysofmarriageinthatbasementapartment.Wewereabletoclawbackourrelationshipthroughtheteamworkofhiking,butthecommunicationandproblem-solvingthat’srequiredforfrugalinsourcingisbyfaroneofthemostprofoundexperienceswe’vehadinourmarriage.Inadditiontotheexpenseofhiringout,doingsopulledusawayfromsharingaunifiedgoal.Whenweweren’tteammates,NateandIweren’tonthesamepagefinanciallyorintermsofwhatwewantedoutoflife.Andit’sveryhardtocraftasatisfyinglifewithanotherpersonwhenyou’renotinagreementoverhowtospendyourtwomostpreciousresources:yourtimeandyourmoney.IchosetospendmylifewithNateforareason.Itrustedhim,Ithoughthewas

smart,andweworkedwelltogether,soitonlymadesensetoconsiderhimmy

smart,andweworkedwelltogether,soitonlymadesensetoconsiderhimmypartnerineverysense.Collaboratingonrepaintingourkitchencabinetswasthefirstofmanyprojectsthatallowedmetoseehisskillsshine,andbroughtanewlevelofrespecttoourrelationship.We’dcomplimenteachotheronajobwelldone,we’dhelpeachotheroncomplexelementsofaproject,andInoticedthatwestartedsaying“please”and“thankyou”toeachotherinthecourseofourdailyroutine.IbegantorecognizealltheworkthatNateputintoourhouseholdandhedidthesameforme.Gratitudeandrespectbegantoinfuseourinteractions.It’seasytodiscountyourpartner’scontributionsuntilyou’restandingsidebysideinthekitchen,watchingthemchopvegetablesforforty-fiveminutesjusttocookyouupastir-fryyoulovefordinner.Asweexpandedourrepertoireoffrugalinsourcing,wealsolearnednew

skillswe’dbeabletouselongintothefuture.Whenyoudosomethingyourself,youpermanentlyreduceyourdependencyonoutsidesourcesandpermanentlyincreaseyourownaptitudes.It’sverymucha“teachingapersontofish”proposition.Fromthatone

kitchenproject,wewereempoweredtoteachourselveshowtodoeverythingfromplumbingtohaircuts.Andwedid.Ialsowanttopointoutthatinsourcingwithinapartnershipdoesn’tmeanthatonepartnernowhasninebillionmorechorestodo.Itmeansthatbothmembersofthepartnershipvoteonanequitabledivisionoflabor,andexecutetheirrespectivetasks.Inmyexperience,frugalinsourcingleadstoamoreegalitarianpartnershipdevoidoftraditionalgenderrolesandreliantinsteaduponasystemofroutinesandanagreed-upondivvyingupoftasks.Weneverdebatewhowillcook,becausethat’sexclusivelyinNate’swheelhouse,andweneverargueoverwhowillclean,becausethat’smyjob.OurdivisionofhouseholdchoresissodeeplyingrainedthatIdon’tevenmakemyowncoffeeinthemornings,andI’mprettysureNatedoesn’tknowhowtooperateourwashingmachine.We’reeachexpertsinourchosendomesticfieldsand,indeed,Nate’salreadyfantasticcookingimprovesyearafteryear,andmyhousecleaninggetsfastereverytimeIdoit.Ifindthatbyrepeatedlyperformingthesamechores,we’vebecomemoreproficientandmoreefficientinourduties.AsNateandIwererescuingaperfectlygoodlampanddresserfroma

roadsidepileoftrashoneSaturdaymorning,Ihadanepiphany:frugalityisexcellentfortheenvironment.Undertheauspicesoffrugality,NateandIwereconsuminglessandreusingmore.Wedrasticallyreducedtheamountofstuffwebought,andwhenwedidbuysomething,wealmostalwaysgotitsecondhand.Bydivertinguseditemsfromthewastestream,weweresimultaneouslydecreasingthecarbonfootprintinherenttoproducingnewmaterialsandpreventingusablegoodsfromclogginglandfills.Nearlyeveryfrugalstrategydoublesasaboonfortheenvironment.I’mofthebeliefthatyoucan’tbuyyour

doublesasaboonfortheenvironment.I’mofthebeliefthatyoucan’tbuyyourwaytogreenbecauseconsumption,byitsveryaction,usuallyhasanegativeimpactontheenvironment.Frugality,conversely,incorporatesenvironmentalismintoyourlifestyle.It’salsotruethatthelessweconsume,themorewerespectandcareforthe

thingswealreadyown.Insteadofviewingourmaterialpossessionsasdisposableitemsmarchingalongthechainofconsumption,NateandIstartedtoseeourstuffaslong-termresidentsofourhome.Natepatchedholesinhispants,Irefinishedoldfurniture,andwedidn’tthrowoutanythingexceptforactualtrash.Ourconvenienceculturetriestoindoctrinateanunending,unquenchablethirstformore.Fornewer.Forbetter.Forbigger.Butmostofall,formore.NateandIwerenowoutsidersinthisarmsraceofpossessions.Wedidn’tcareifpeoplejudgedourcarasjunky(which,atnineteenyearsoldandwithover200,000miles,itwas),orourclothesasdated,becauseweknewthatonceyouenrollinthebuying-leads-to-fulfillmentmentality,there’snoendtohowmuchyou’llhavetopurchase.Assoonasyouupdateyourphoneandrefurbishyourbathroomandgetthisseason’shottestboots,trendswillchange.You’llfindyourselfwithaphonethatlacksahologram,abathroomwithgoldfinisheswhensilverisnowinvogue,andyou’llwonderwhyyoueverthoughtorangepatent-leatherbootswereagoodidea.NateandIdecidedtojustsayno.Wefinallyacknowledgedthatwehadenough.Enoughclothing,enoughthrowpillows,enoughdinnerplates.Thisacknowledgementalsoimbuedmewithamind-setofgiving.Insteadoftossingoutoldstuff,Igaveitawaytofriends,tothriftstores,andtomyBuyNothinggroup.Irealizedthatpreciousfewthingsareactuallytrash.Inourdrivetospendlessmoney,Idiscoveredamultitudeofotherwaysthat

wecouldlimitourconsumption.Ibegantohangmoreofourlaundryuponrackstodry,insteadoftossingitintoourenergy-gulpingdryer.Inowconsideredhowlongmyshowerswere,howoftenIdroveourcar,howhighweturnedupourheat,andwhatkindoflightbulbsweused.Frugalitymademeconsciousofeverythingwebought,consumed,threwout,needed,anddidn’tneed.Beforebringinganythingintoourhouse,IquestionedifIwantedtoassumetheresponsibilityofstoringit,cleaningit,andeventually,findinganewhomeforit.ItwasacomprehensiverevolutionofhowIinteractwithresources.

Consumerism,ontheotherhand,removesthoserealities.Itencouragesustodiscardanythingwe’reboredwith,buymore,andgobble

asmanyresourcesaswecanpossiblyswallow.Consumerismmademeintoaninsatiable,grabbingtaker,whereasfrugality

transformedmeintoamindful,gratefulgiver.OnceIturnedonthismind-setofspendingless,andasaconsequenceusingfewernaturalresources,Iwasamazed

spendingless,andasaconsequenceusingfewernaturalresources,IwasamazedatalltheareaswhereIcouldsimultaneouslyconservemoneyandfossilfuels.Thisunanticipatedbenefitofuppingourenvironmentalismanddecreasingourcarbonfootprintredoubledmycommitmenttolifelongfrugality.MyfrugalitybecameaboutsomethingbroaderandmoremomentousthansimplythemoneyIcouldsaveinmybankaccount.Itwasaboutmyimpactonourearth.ItwasaboutwhatIcoulddowithmytimeandhowIcouldinteractwiththeworld.Theconceptthatwehadenoughalsobegantoinfluencethewayweate.I

abolishedfoodwastefromourkitchen.Natemadeconsciousdecisionsinthegrocerystoretobuyonlypreciselywhatheplannedtocookthatweek,andthenwecommittedourselvestoeatingthatfoodinitsentiretyandnotgivingintothetemptationofThaitakeout.Thisbenefitedusbecausewespentalotlessonfoodandatemorehealthfully,butperhapsmorecrucially,itbenefitedtheenvironmentbyproducinglesslandfill-boundgarbage.Discardedfoodisoneofthemostsignificantcomponentsoflandfillsandisamajormethaneproducer,whichisagreenhousegasthatcontributestoclimatechange.Foodisbutoneusableproductwehumansrelegatetolandfills.Carelesslytossedclothing,furniture,andelectronicsalsopopulateourplanet’spilesofrefuse.Byembracingfrugality,NateandIbecameawareoftherolethatneedlesswasteplaysinourlivesandofthewayswecouldfightbackagainstit.Ialsouncoveredatippingpointthatexistswhereinaninanimateobjecttakes

onalevelofimportanceexceedingitsintendedfunction.Kidsdothiswithstuffedanimals;adultsdothiswitheverythingfromfurnituretoshoes.Istartedconsideringallofmypurchasesthroughthislens.DidIneedanewcoatinordertokeepwarm?OrdidIwantanewcoatinordertolookcute?Usuallythelatter.Carsarethemostinsidiousexamplebecauseourcultureequatescarownershipwithstatus,aridiculousmetricforamachinewhoseintendedfunctionistosafelyconveyyoufrompointAtopointB.NateandIsawournineteen-year-oldminivanforwhatitwas:acarthatdrove.Asastatusorbeautysymbol?Notsomuch.Butwedidn’tneedanewcartovalidateourself-worth.Wedidn’tfeela

compulsiontoannounceourmaterialsuccesstothepersondrivingbehindus.Inadditiontonolongercaringwhatothersthoughtaboutus,weletgooftheneedtoproveourselvesthroughexternalobjectsbecausewethoughtthatwasn’tthewaytoachievedeep,lastingcontentment.Weweren’tatthatlevelofcontentmentyet,aswewerestillexperiencingtheslogofworkingtowardourgoal.Butsincerampantconsumerismhadfailedtomakeushappy,Iwasreallyhopingthatavoidingitwoulddothetrick.IfIweretobuyanewcar,I’dexperienceahedonicjoltofdopaminewhenIfirstmadethepurchaseandthen,gradually,thenewnesswouldwearoff,therushofadrenalinewoulddiedown,

gradually,thenewnesswouldwearoff,therushofadrenalinewoulddiedown,andI’dbecastingaroundformynexthitofconsumerismtostartthecyclealloveragain.SomethingIlearnedonmyjourneytoconsumelessisthatmaterial

possessionsshouldnotbeforcedorexpectedtoserveasstandinsforhumanemotions.Thingsdonotbringmefulfillment.Sure,theymightbenicetohave,butweshouldn’texpecteverythingweowntobringussomedeep,Kondo-esquesenseof“joy.”Ourconsumercultureerectsshrinestostuffandencouragesustomeasureourworthbywhatwecanbuy.There’sevenanentireindustrydevotedtohelpingusorganizeandstorealloftheexcessstuffwe’veboughtthatwedon’thavethetimeandspacetouse,letalonesavor.Throughfrugality,Icametounderstandthatit’sentirelyreasonable,andmuchcheaper,toownthingsthatsimplyservetheirintendedfunction.Becausewhenwetellourselvesthatourstuffneedstobringusjoy,webegintojustifyspendingmoneyoneverythingthatwethinkmightpossiblyachievethatdesireforus,ratherthanworkingtofindjoyfromwithin.Thingsarenotpeople,thingsdonotfulfillus,andexpectingthemtoservethatfunctionwillonlyleadtoastringofexpensivedisappointments.Aroundthistime,Ialsobegantoseetheironyinherenttotheclassic

Americanpastimeofgoingtothegym.Thinkaboutit:wepayotherpeopletocleanourhouses,washourcars,walkourdogs,prepareourmeals,doourshopping,mowourlawns,andwatchourchildren,sothatwecanpayevenmoremoneytogoinsideabuildingtorunandliftonmachinesthatsimulatedoingthosechores.Naterodehisbiketoworkeverysingleday,eventhroughBostonwinters,whichwasatripleboon:itsavedmoney,itwasgoodfortheenvironment,anditprovidedhimwithdailyexercise.Themorewefrugalized,themoreweunderstoodthefar-reaching,positiverepercussionsofthislifestyle.NateandIwereundoingdecadesoftrainingwe’dreceivedtobeobedientcapitalists.Wewereharkeningtoanearlierera,whenpeoplewereself-reliantanddidn’tlookformeaningonstoreshelves.Theserevelationsalsoledmetorealizethatpayingmoneyisthelaziest,least

creativewaytosolveaproblemorreachadesiredend.There’snoinnovationinslappingdownacreditcard.Atfirst,thiswaschallengingforme.Forexample:howdoIfindsomeonetowatchourdogforfreeinsteadofpayingtoboardheratakennel?Thenitdawnedonmethatthiswasanopportunitytobuildcommunity.Ireachedouttofellowdog-owningfriends.Weworkedoutaninformaldog-sittingswapthatdidn’tentailmoneychanginghands.Wewerehappier,thedogswerehappier,andwereapedthetertiarybenefitofcreatingacommunity,anotherartifactwewereresurrectingfromourancestorsthat’dbeenallbutstampedoutbycommercialism.Afrugallifeisacreativelifeandone

allbutstampedoutbycommercialism.Afrugallifeisacreativelifeandonethat’sdevoidofclutter,bothphysicalandmental,andabsentanyboredom.Inmyquesttosavemoney,Ialwayshadaprojecttoworkon,asolutiontoinnovate,orahacktouncover.Perhapsmostsignificantduringthisyearofrevelationswasourrecognition

thatfrugalitygaveusoptions.Toooften,thearcofourlivesandtheverysubstanceofwhatwedodayafterdayisdictatedtousbyourjobs,ourdebt,andourstuff.FrugalityenabledNateandmetowrestbackcontrol.Whenyou’renotreliant

onthesalaryfromajob,andyou’renotembattledbydebt,andyou’renotcontrolledbyyourthings,youroptionsforhowtouseyourtimeandhowtoimpactyourworldaresuddenlyquiteopen.FrederickBuechneroncesaid,“Yourvocationinlifeiswhereyourgreatestjoymeetstheworld’sgreatestneed.”Ifirmlybelievefrugalitycanenableyoutodiscern,andfollow,yourvocationbecauseitremovesthenecessityofchoosingworkbasedprimarilyonremuneration.Youcouldquityourjobandtraveltheworld,youcouldexploreyourpassionforwoodworking,youcouldvolunteerfulltimeatananimalshelter.Noneofthesepathsareclosedtoanyofus,savethefactthatwe’veusuallyputourselvesinafinancialpositionthatmakesthesepursuitsimpossible.It’snotabouthowmuchyoulikeordislikeyourjob,it’sabouthowdependentuponityouareforyourpaycheck.Frugalityisthedifferencebetweenajoblossorahealthissueoranewroofbeingacrisisormerelyaninconvenience.Frugalityconstructsabufferbetweenyouandtheunforeseen,yetentirelypredictable,disastersoflife.Bysavingmorethanyouneed,andbynotlivingpaychecktopaycheck,yougrantyourselfthesecurityofknowingthatyoucanweatheracrisiswithoutgoingintodebt.Frugalityfreesyoufromtheday-to-dayanguishofmanagingarigidbudget.Whenyouoperatewiththeworldviewthatthere’sverylittleyouneedtobuy,younolongerneedtocountpenniesorworryifthere’senoughmoneyinyouraccount.You’reset.Reflectingonthisidea,here’saquestion:Whycan’tyouquityourjob?The

onlyrightansweris,“becauseIlovemyjobandIdon’twanttoquit.”Anythingotherthanthatmeansyou’reservingmastersnotinalignmentwithyourtruestwishes.Stripawayallofthespendingthatdoesn’tstrikeattheheartofyourlong-term

goals,andyou’llhavethelifeyouactuallywanttolive.Don’tallowyourspendingtopreventyoufromdoingwhatyouwant;instead,allowfrugalitytosculptthelifeyoucrave.

11FightingBackAgainsttheBaby-

IndustrialComplex

“Doesthatlooklikeabluelinetoyou?”IaskedNateaswehuddledinthebathroomtogetherfirstthinginthemorning,shiningaflashlightonafour-inch-longplasticstick.Neitherofuscouldtell,atleastnotdefinitivelyenoughforwhatthisparticularbluelineportended,sowetooka6:15a.m.walkthesixblockstothedollarstoretobuymoretests.Itooktestsnumberthreeandfourandbytestnumberfive,wewereprettysuretherewasablueline,butIwonderedwhythemanufacturersdidn’tmakeita“YOUAREPREGNANT”signinflashingneon.Thiswholebluelinethingjustwasn’tveryconvincing.SoIcalledmydoctor,whosaidIcouldcomeinforabloodtestifIreallywantedto,butthatitwouldn’ttellusanythingmorethanthebluelinehad.True,Ithought,butyoucaninterpretmybloodwithstate-of-the-artlabequipmentandapersonwhohadtogotoschoolforthis,notmeinabathroomwithaflashlight,doubtingmyeyesightandtheveracityofapieceofplasticthatcost$3.99.Mydesperationmust’vebeenobvioustothedoctor,thatorthefactthatIwas

plasteredwithsweatonaccountofjoggingthetwelveblockstoheroffice.Sotheycalledmebackwiththeresultsthatevening,justassomefriendswalkedthroughourfrontdoorforadinnerparty.Iwelcomedourfriendswithadelusionalgrin,thenpulledNateintoourcoatclosettotellhimitwasdefinitelyablueline.Istillhadtroublebelievingit,soIstartedgooglingaroundforhow

ablueline.Istillhadtroublebelievingit,soIstartedgooglingaroundforhowaccurateabloodtestisatconfirmingpregnancy.Itwasn’tuntilafterourfirstultrasoundwhenwesawatinyblobthatthetechnicianassuredus(repeatedly)wasababythatIfullyacceptedweweregoingtohaveachild.Fifteenmonthsbeforethisbluelineappeared,NateandIopenedupour

sharedcalendaranddecidedthattheoptimaltimetobirthourfirstchildwouldbepreciselyNovember15,2014.ThiswouldberightafterNate’sbusyseasonatwork,sohe’dbeabletostayhomewithmeandthebabyuntilafterthenewyear.Plus,I’dhavebeeninmyjobfortherequisitetimetoaccruematernityleave.Countingbackfortyweeks,wecalculatedthatweshouldstarttryingonMonday,February3,2014.Incaseyou’rewondering,attemptingtoplanachild’sexactbirthdate

exemplifiesmyneedforcontrol.StartingonMonday,February3,2014,NateandItrackedovulation,markedthecalendar,counteddays,andtooktests.Andforthirteenmonths,nothinghappened.Notevenanebulousblueline.Onmonthtwelveoftryingtoconceive,wefoundourselvesinthewaiting

roomofafertilityspecialistwhowasadjacenttoanobstetrician’soffice.NateandIsatthere,palmssweating,readingpamphletstitled“IVF:NotasPainfulasYouThink”whileglowing,globular,pregnantwomensailedpastontheirwayto

ultrasoundsandalifetimeofchildbearingbliss.Someofthemevenhadolderchildrenwiththem.Thenerve.Icouldn’tunderstandwhyweweren’tgettingpregnant.Hadthefertilitygodsnotreadthestatistics?Thatchildrendobetterwithtwoparents?Thatchildrendobetterinahomethat’sfinanciallysecure?Thatchildrendobetterwhenmothershaveadvanceddegrees?Imean,please!Iwaseatingkaledaily,goingtoyogathriceweekly,andconsideringbothacupunctureandsomethingcalledtheMayafertilitymassage.Iwasbookedinforasetofincreasinglyinvasiveandominouslynamedtestsandwaitingtherequisitemonthtogetonthescheduletostartintrauterineinsemination(IUI).ItwaswhilewaitingforourappointedIUIstartdatethatthisblueline

appeared.MyfirstthoughtwasallthewineI’ddrunkthatweek.I’dabstainedalmostentirelyforthosethirteenmonthsoftrying,butI’dgivenupthecharadeofassumingpregnancythatmonthbecauseIcouldn’ttakethedisappointmentyetagain.IcalledthefertilityspecialisttocancelourIUIappointmentandstartingcryingonthephone.Ijustcouldn’tbelieveithadhappened.Throughourverybrief,verypainlessinteractionwithinfertility,NateandIfoundsomethingwecouldn’tcontrol.Somethingwecouldn’tpopintoaspreadsheetorcreateanefficiencyfor.Iknowthatmanycouplesendureyearsofpainful,challengingcircumstancesaroundtryingtoconceiveandI’mkeenlyawarethatourexperiencewasnothingbycomparison.Withthewisdomandbenevolence

ourexperiencewasnothingbycomparison.Withthewisdomandbenevolenceofretrospect—plusthefactthatIliketomakemyselflookgood—Icansaythatitwasahumblingexperiencethattaughtmethevalueofpatience.Buthonestly,atthetimeIwasjustangry.I’dalwaysassumedI’dbeableto

havebiologicalchildren,thatthisriteofwomanhoodwouldcomeeasilytome.Iwasinexcellentphysicalcondition,Iateallkindsofgreenthings,andIwasinamaturerelationship.Iwasn’tpreparedforthewhimsoffertilityandtheutterlackofcontrolIhadovermyownbody.Aftersixmonths,andthentenmonths,andthenfinallyayear,wemadecontingencyplans:wecouldadopt,orhaveapackofdogs,ormakepeacewiththeideaofchildlessness.Sothisblueline,thisapparentbaby,feltlikeeatingpizzafollowedbyicecreamcakefollowedbyareleaseofballoonswithwhitedovescooingatmyfeetwhilearainbowburstacrosstheskyandamarchingbandwentpastcarryingabannerproclaiming:“YOUarepregnant!”Itwasalmosttoomuchhappinessforoneperson’sbodytocontain,soIwonderedifboundlessjoycouldnegativelyimpactafetus(verdict:itdoesnotappearso).TheverynextmorningIstartedworryingaboutthebabysurvivingthe

precariousfirsttrimester.It’snearlyimpossibleformetorestinhappinessbecausemybrainpicksawayuntilitfindssomethingfreshtoworryover.I’dcompulsivelyreadeverybookonpregnancythattheCambridgePublicLibraryhadinstock(somebookstwice,andIhadtopayalatefineonanother)soIwasalltooawareofthechancesformiscarriage.Despitethisexcessiveanxiety,Ibreezedthroughthefirsttrimesterandlearnedthefirsttwouniversalparentinglessons:1)youarenotincontrol,and2)thereisalwayssomethingtoworryaboutwhereyourchildrenareconcerned.Thethird“truth”Ikepthearingisthatchildrenarealways,andwithout

exception,expensive.Idon’tevenknowhowthisyarnwendeditswayintomybrain,butit’sapervasivetropeinourcultureandonethat’slobbedateveryexpectantparentbyadvertisers,babybooks,obstetricians,andofcoursefellowparents.InadditiontotheexcitementIfeltover,youknow,havingababy,aclosesecondwastheexcitementNateandIhadforourplanstoentirelyupendthishackneyedconventionalwisdom.Yes,havingachildismoreexpensivethannothavingachild,butitdoesn’t

havetocostanywhereneartheegregioussumsIseeheadliningclickbaitscare-tacticarticlesdesignedtosendalreadyapprehensivepregnantwomen—neuroticallyscanningtheInternetwhileinhalingicecream(speakingformyselfhere...)—intonearpanicattacks.BythetimewefinallygotpregnantinMarch2015,NateandIhadfiguredout

howtoapplyextremefrugalitytoeveryaspectofourlives.Wereasonedparenthoodshouldn’tbeanydifferent.Onceyou’veingrainedthemind-setof

parenthoodshouldn’tbeanydifferent.Onceyou’veingrainedthemind-setoffrugalityandreapedthemultitudeofbenefitsthelifestyleoffers,it’sactuallymoredifficulttospendmoneythannot.There’sanassumptionthatparentingissomehowimpossibletosquarewithfrugality,butletmeruintherestofthebookanddivestyouofthisnotionrightnow:it’snot.There’sastigmaassociatedwithusedbabythingsandyes,babiesareexpensiveifyoucarewhatotherpeoplethinkaboutyourdiaperbagandburpcloths.NateandIlearnedthatthestuffofbabies,therockers,bouncers,andchangingtables,wasallaroundus,intheatticsandbasementsofeveryoneweknewwithkidsslightlytoooldtosleepinacribanylonger.Beforeweevengotpregnant,myfriendatworkmentionedthatsheneededtotransitionheryoungestsonintoabigboybedandthatshedidn’tknowwhattodowithhiscribandchangingtable,sinceshecouldn’tsellthecrib,anolddrop-sidemodel,onCraigslist.Shefiguredshe’dhavetothrowitout.Myfrugalantennawentup,wayup,andIaskedherifIcouldhaveit.NateandItooktheminivanovertoherhouseoneSundayandspenttheafternoondisassemblingthecribandchangingtableandsqueezingthemintothebackofthevan.We’dlongsincetakenalltherearseatsoutoftheminivan,renderingitasortofpick-uptruckwitharoof,becauseeitherweorourfriendswereforeverhaulingfurnitureortwo-by-foursor,inonememorableinstancewhiledogsitting,threegreyhounds.AsNateworkedtotakeapartthecrib,myfriendandherhusband,thrilledwe

werecartingawaythisoldstuff,askedifwewantedanyotherbabythings.Shepulledoutahighchair,carseat,changingpads,clothes,cribsheets,toys,books;agoldmineofhand-me-downs.Shewassurprisedwewantedallthisoldstuff,butdelightedtounloadit.NateandIstoredthisstashinourupstairsguestroom(whereIwouldn’tseeitandweepduringmyun-pregnancy)foralmostayearandahalfbeforeourdaughterwasborn.Housingthisstuffforsolongwasworthittousforwhatturnedouttobeanurserywespentallof$20on.BabythingsarelikeChristmastrees:whenit’sinseason,youreallywantit,butoncethatseasonisover,youwantitoutofyourhouselikeyesterday.OnceIwaspregnant,Iputoutthewordtofriends,neighbors,coworkers(anyoneIknewwithkids)thatI’dhappilytaketheirhand-me-downs.MostofthemwereinitiallysurprisedthatIwantedusedthingssince,asanupper-middle-classurbancoupleexpectingtheirfirstpreciouschild,itwasassumedwe’dwanttobuybrand-new,top-of-the-linebabygear.AfterpeopleheardI’dtaketheircastoffs,amotherlodeofbabygoodscamepouringin.IalsojoinedmylocalBuyNothinggroup,whichwasabastionofbabyandkidstuff.Istartedcleaningoutourbasementandgaveawayweddinggiftswe’dneveropened,pictureframes,throwpillows,andanythingelsewedidn’tneedinexchangeforbibs,clothes,blankets,books,toys,astroller,swaddles,abassinet,andmore.Allwell

clothes,blankets,books,toys,astroller,swaddles,abassinet,andmore.Allwellusedandallcompletelyfree.Theinsidiousthingaboutnewbabyparaphernaliaisthatmanufacturersand

marketersknowthey’redealingwithavulnerable,susceptibledemographic:expectantparents.Ifthere’samoreanxiety-provokingtimethanbeingpregnantwithyourfirstchild,I’dliketohearaboutit.Becauseyouarenowweightedwiththegravityofknowingyou’regoingtoberesponsibleforanotherperson,alifeyou’vecreated.Afterall,don’tyouwantwhat’sbestforyourchild?What’ssafest?What’smostlikelytoensuretheirspotinHarvard’sclassof2037?!Anyspecialoccasionorlifeeventisanadvertiser’sdream,andweddings,graduations,andfuneralsareallripeforcowingparticipantsintospendingwaymorethantheycanaffordbecause,astheadstaunt:“youdeserveit”and“everyoneelseisdoingit”and“don’tyouwanttohonoryourlovedones?”Thegoldengooseofallisthebaby-industrialcomplex.ThepressureissocompellingthatifNateandIweren’talreadysecure,confident,andwell-practicedinourfrugality,Iwould’vebeensuckedrightintothefray.Asitwas,Iwasfirmlyofftheconsumercarouselandsuspiciousofclaimsthatusedbabystuffwasgrossorunsafe.Theseadsplayonourbasestfearsthatwewon’tbeabletoprovideforourchildren,thatthey’llgetsick,thatthey’llbeunhappy.Butbuyingstuffdoesn’tmitigateanyofthoseconcerns.Ifanything,itenhancesthem,sincebybuyingtonsofstuff,we’llhavelessmoneytodealwithpotentiallyseriousissues,suchasanunexpectedhealthcrisis.Thereareveryrealsafetyconsiderationswithbabygoods,soI’mnot

recommendingthatanyonegoall1820sontheirchildandforgomodernconventionslikesleepsacksandcarseats.Merelythatyouuseyourbrain.Iknowmybraintookahiatusduringpregnancy,butbearwithme.NateandIacceptedahand-me-downcarseat,anactionthat’scitedastheultimateparentingsin;however,wetookthatcarseatfromatrustedfriendwhotoldustheseathadn’teverbeeninanaccident.Wethenresearchedtheserialnumberandmanufacturer,anddeterminedtheseatwasn’texpiredandthattherewerenosafetyrecallsorinnovations.Inotherwords,itwasaperfectlyfinefreecarseat.Samestoryforourhigh

chair,whichdidinfacthaveasafetyrecallsoweorderedthepartstofixitfromthemanufacturer,which,bytheway,werefree.Andasforthatdrop-sidecrib?Myfriendhadalreadyinstalledtheconversionkitthatturneditintoasafe,fixed-sidecrib.Iprobablywouldn’tuseatwenty-year-oldcarseat,butatwo-year-oldseat?Absolutely.Wealsoplayedthelonggameinassemblingournursery,whichistheheartofsuccessfulhand-me-downing.Youcan’texpecttofindeverythingyouneedinaday,aweek,orevenamonth.Ittakestimetocurateanentirelysecondhandhome,butassomeonewhohasdoneit,Icantellyouit’saltogetherpossible.

youit’saltogetherpossible.Plus,thethrillofthehuntisunparalleled.Whenyouwalkintoastoreandbuy

everythingyoucouldpossiblyneed,youdepriveyourselfoftheunadulteratedprovidenceofhappeninguponjusttheExerSauceryouneedsittingforfreeonthesideoftheroad.There’snorushquitelikeit.MydearfriendTorreyaskedifshecouldhostababyshowerforusandIwasconflictedbyheroffer.Ononehand,itwasanincrediblysweetgestureandashowerwouldbealotoffun.Butontheotherhand,Ididn’twanttocondemnmyfriendstobuyingbrand-newstuffformewhenIknewIcouldfindthethingsIneededforfreeorcheapontheusedmarket.Itfeltunfairandoutofalignmentwithmyfrugalethos.AndsoIaskedTorreyifshewouldinsteadbewillingtokeepourdogforuswhenwewenttothehospitaltohaveourbaby.Sheverykindlyagreed.Torreyexplainedthatshewantedtodosomethingtosupportusduringthistimeandifdogsittingwaswhatweneeded,thenshewoulddoit.Forgoingaregistryandbabyshowermightbeunconventional,butitworked

formeanditmademefeellikeIwasabletokeeptruetomyanticonsumergoals.Plus,wegenuinelyneededadogsitterandweregratefultobeabletotakeTorreyuponhergenerosity.Frugalityalsoeliminatestheparalysisbyanalysisthat’sendemictobuying

new.Ifwe’ddecidedtobuyeverythingnew,hoursofourlives(andafairbitofsanity)would’vebeenlosttocomparingthemeritsofaCityMiniversusaSnap-N-GoandanErgoversusaSnugli.Bytakingwhatevercameourwayforfree,thetimeandstressendemictomakingthesechoiceswaseliminated.Morechoicesdonotleadtomorehappiness.Infact,researchhasproventhe

exactopposite.Whenwe’reoverwhelmedwiththesixty-sevendifferentstylesofbabyonesies,we’renotgoingtobesatisfiedwithourchoice;nomatterwhat,we’llwonderifwechosethewrongone.We’llsecond-guessourdecisionandcompulsivelyreadreviewstoseeifwe’revindicatedinourselection.Conversely,IwasthrilledwithanyandallfreebabyonesiesbecauseIdidn’thavetolaboroverselectingthem.Didn’thurtthatIdidn’tpayforthemeither.We’reledtobelievethathaving

theabilitytoselectbetweenmultipleoptionsisaboon,butinreality,anytimewechoosestuffoverourcircumstances,we’relosing.Therealfreedomofchoiceistoturnourbacksonconsumption.You’renotexertingyourfreewillinspendingmoney,you’returningyourfreewillovertosomeoneelse.Choiceistheultimatefreedomwehave,yetsomanyofusputchoiceofmaterialpossessionsaheadofchoiceoverhowwespendourlives.Inadditiontodecreasingourhappinesslevel,endlesschoicesalsoratchetup

ourspending.Ifthe$300strollerisgood,thenthe$375modelmustbebetter...

andwe’renowreadingthroughthe276customerreviewsanditlookslikepeopleactuallypreferthe$425model,whichcomeswithacupholder...openafewmoretabsanditseemsthattherewasanimprovementmadeatthe$450levelandsomaybethatwouldbebest...althoughactually,the$556modelistheonewithfivestars...andonitgoes.Ourunfetteredaccesstomassivedatasets,scrollingcustomer

reviews,andonlineforumshascreatedanunrealisticexpectationofexhaustiveresearchbeforebuyingasinglesolitarything.Purchasingabibturnsintoahair-tearing,nightmarishlandscapeofhorrorstoriesaboutbabiessmearedwithirrevocablystainingbeetjuice!(Sidenote:beetsreallydostainbabiessomethingawful.)Ismyhighchairthebest,mostperfect,highestratedhighchaireverdesigned

forbabies?Probablynot.Butitworksmightyfine,andIwastednoneofthistimeandmentalenergy.IjustpickeditupforfreeoneafternoonfromNate’scolleague,whosekidshadoutgrownit.AndIactuallylikethishighchairquiteabit,asit’scute,it’sfunctional,anditcleansupwell.I’dwagerIappreciateitallthemorebecauseoftheembodiedtime,stress,andcostthatitdoesn’trepresent.Plus,what’snewtodaywillprobablyberecalledorchangedorotherwisemodifiedforthenextbuyingseasontoensurewecontinueworshippingatthealtarofeternalconsumption.Ididn’tsuspendmyownpersonalclothes-buyingbanduringpregnancy

either.IfiguredifIcouldfindsomanybabythingssecondhand,surelyIcouldsourcehand-me-downmaternityclothestoo.AndIdid.Everythingfromnursingtanktopstomaternitycocktaildressescamemywayforfreeashand-me-downs.Maternityclothesthatyouwearonlyforafewmonthstops?Totalrip-off.Mycollectionofhand-me-downsweren’tallperfect,weren’tallmystyle,weren’tallmysize,andsomeweredownrightshabby,buttheywereallfreeandtheyallworkedjustfine.Imanagedtolookprofessionaleverydayatmyjob(plusrequisiteworkcocktailparties),participateinseveralconferences,gotoafamilyreunion,andattendaweddingwhilepregnant,allwithoutbuyingascrapofclothing.Babieshavethispenchantfornotcaringaboutanythingbuteating,sleeping,

andsnugglingontheirparents.Whetherthat’sinacribthatthreeotherchildrenhavealreadysleptinorabrand-new$1,400contraptionisimmaterialtothem.Theonlypersonwhocareswhatthatcriblookslikearetheparents.IfI’dspentthousandsofdollarsbeforemychildwasevenborn,whatexactlywouldthatportendfortherestofherlife?Hundredsofdollarsonanewpreschoolwardrobe?Thousandsofdollarsonschoolsuppliesforkindergarten?Aponyforaseventhbirthday?Startofffromtheperspectiveofspendingaslittleas

possibleandyou’llhavemoreresourcesatyourdisposaltopayforthethingsthatactuallymatterlateroninachild’slife.NateandIfoundthatusingsecondhandbabythingsandeschewingtheidea

thatmorestuffmakesahappierkiddidnotcreateasenseofdeprivation.Forus,itbecamenotonlyaneconomicalchoice,butalsoawayofteachingourchildhowtovalueingenuityoverconsumptionandpeopleoverthings.Aswepreparedforourchild’sbirth,Irealizedthatinsteadofspendingtimeshopping,orworkinglongerhourstoearnmoremoneytobuymorestuffforourkid,NateandIweregoingtocircumventthatentiresystemandinsteadsimplyspendmoretimewithourchild.AsNateandIdiscussedournascentparentingphilosophy,weagreedthatwhatkidstrulyneedandwantistimewiththeirparentstohelpthemlearn,grow,andexploretheworld.Forourfamily,thousandsofdollarsspentonthelatesteducationaltoyscouldnotreplaceanhour-long(free)walkthroughtheparktogethertoexplorethegrass,talkaboutthetrees,andcommentonasquirrelburyinganut.NateandIdecidedthatwhatourkidneededmostwasus.Notusdistractedandharriedbyjobs,strugglingtopayforexpensivetrappingsofchildhood,butourpresence,ourimperfections,ourdreams,ouruniqueskills,ourunhurriedears,andmostofall,ourlove.Ourliveswereenrichedandmadedemonstrablybetterthankstoourembraceoffrugality.Wefiguredthatakidwouldreapthosesamebenefits.

12ThatOneTimeWeBoughta

Homestead

NateandIsatsidebysideonourcouch,drinkingcoffee,scrollingthroughavailablepropertiesinVermontonNate’slaptop,meleaningovermybabybumptopeerattheacreagelistedonthescreen,anexercisewe’dperformedfornearlytwoyears(minusthebabybump,obviously).Afterscanningeverythingthatfitourparametersonthisfalldayin2015,Nateopenedupanewtab,sayinghe’dsavedoneforlast.Itwasapropertyinatownwe’dneverheardofbefore,inapartofthestatewe’dneverbeento,withmorelandandhousethanwe’dthoughtwecouldafford.Didn’thurtthatthehomewasgorgeousandthebarnperfectlyrendered.Iwassmitten.Wehadtogoseeit.Aswe’dlearnedinouryearandahalfofsearching,thereweren’tmany

placesthatmetourcriteriaforamove-in-readyhomeandoutbuilding(s),withovertwentyacresofforestedland,inagoodschooldistrict,onamainroad,nottoofarfromamedium/largecity,forunder$400,000.Notthatwewerepickyoranything...Everyfewmonths,NateandIwouldpopuptoVermonttotourproperties

withourlong-sufferingrealestateagent.Thissearchwasalotmorelaboriousandtactilethanourcityhousehuntbecausetherearenoopenhousesforruralhomes;there’samuchsmallerinventory;andthereareamultitudeoffactorstoconsiderthatdon’texistinurbanandsuburbanneighborhoods:theseptic

considerthatdon’texistinurbanandsuburbanneighborhoods:thesepticsystem,thewell(yes,likeoneyougetwaterfrom),thequalityoftheforest(sinceforestsareacommodity),thedriveway,theroad,thesitingofthehomeandoutbuildingsrelativetotherestoftheland,thepresence/absenceofneighbors,theacreage,thesurroundingcommunity,thedistancetothegrocerystore—allthisbeforeeversteppingfootinsideahouse.NateandIwantedtobuyapropertythatweloved,thatwecouldenvisionourselveslivingonfordecadestocome,andperhapsfortherestofourlives.Andwedidn’twanttooverpay.Andwedidn’twanttobuildnew,sinceit’snearlyimpossibletorecouptheexpenseofbuildingonaccountofthesiteworkthat’srequiredinaruralsetting—diggingasepticsystemandawell,puttinginadriveway—plusthecostoftherawlandtobeginwith.Givenallthis,andinspiteofmyadvancedpregnancy,wehadtogoseethisproperty.“Themapsaysthere’saroadhereandthatwe’resupposedtoturnleftonit,”I

relayedtoNate,notveryconvincingly,ashenosedthecartowardwhatyoumightcharitablycallafootpaththroughpoleafterpoleoftrees.ThisthingwaslessofaroadthanmosthikingtrailsI’dbeenon.Weweredriving,inthatnineteen-year-oldminivan,throughtheapparentBermudaTriangleofruralcentralVermont.Itwas5p.m.inlateOctober2015andIwasafulleightmonthspregnant.Itwasalsoraining,thesunwassetting,andourgasgaugewasflirtingwithempty,althoughinthatcaritwasalwayshardtotellsincethegaugehadstoppedworkingproperlysometimeafterweclocked200,000miles.Usuallyyouhadlessgasthanitappeared.Wehadn’tpassedahouseinatleastfifteenminutes,wehadnocellreception,

andourGPSwould’vebeenmoreusefulifwe’daskedittorecitetheDeclarationofIndependence.Wecametoagravelroadthatwasslightlylargerandmoreprominentlookingthantheroadwe’dbeenon,sowedecidedtofollowitdownhillbecausethatseemedmorepromising,nottomentionmorenavigable,thangoinguphill.JustasIwasabouttogetoutandhikebacktoafarmhousewe’dseenoffinthedistance(overamountainthatwasmoreofasmallhill,really),weturnedontoagenuinestreet—denotedbythefactthatitwaspaved—andintoagasstationwithadeercarcasshanginginfrontofthePortaPottythatservedastheir“restroomforcustomersonly.”Asidefromtheterror-mingled-with-frustrationwe’dfeltwhencirclingforathirdtimeontoWoodchuckHollowRoad,whichwasdecidedlynotpaved—and,let’sbehonest,“road”wasagenerousdescriptor—NateandIweregiddy.We’djusttouredwhatIwasprettycertainwasourfuturehomestead.Backinspring2014,wealsothoughtwe’dfoundourfuturehomestead.We

visitedthatpropertynolessthanthreetimeswithourrealestateagent,thefinaltripwiththesellerandhisagentaswell.Ourerstwhiledreamhomesatonsixty-

tripwiththesellerandhisagentaswell.Ourerstwhiledreamhomesatonsixty-nineacresofforestedsouthernVermontlandscapewithstreamsbisectingthewoodsandapristineviewofthegreenmountains.Thehome,designedbyarenownedarchitect,wasenergyefficientandmeticulouslylaidout.EfficiencyappealstoNateandmeatourverycore,sowewereenthralledwiththethoughtfulfootprintandmoderndesignofthehouse.Therewasjustoneteeny,tinyhiccup:theinteriorwasunfinished.Andby“unfinished,”Imeanthefloors,walls,andceilingswerecladinnothingmorethanplywood.Nakedbeamsarchedacrossthelivingroom’scathedralceiling(notinatrendyway),andthebathroomshadrudimentaryplumbing:exposedpipes,toilets,andnotmuchelse.Wespiedanopportunitytofinishtheinterioraccordingtoourtastes,withthebenefitofhavingtheexpensive(andboring)siteworkofwell,septic,foundation,roof,exterior,insulation,driveway,plumbing,andelectricalalreadydone.Sincewe’dhavetosinkthousandsintofinishwork,wewerewillingtopay

onlyaveryspecificpricethatwasprettyfarsouthoftheaskingprice.Securingaconventionalmortgageonanunfinishedhouseisnearlyimpossible,andwedidn’twantaconstructionloanbecauseit’dhamstringusfromdoingtheworkourselves.Wemadeanall-cashoffer,whichwasyetanotherbenefitofourfrugality.Theseller,however,sawthehouseasitshouldbe:afinished,energy-efficientArchitecturalDigestcoverstory.Itwasverymuchanemperor’s-new-clothesscenario.Intheend,wewalkedaway.NateandIaredreamers,butwe’reanchoredbyintensepracticality.We’dofferedthemaximumpricewewerereadytowriteacheckfor,andwhenthatwasturneddown,wedecidedthishousewasnotforus.Ourrealestateagentwasshockedwewouldn’tstretchourbudgetorconsiderowner-financingoraconstructionloan,butourconvictionwasironcladthatwedidn’twanttosaddleourselveswithahomesteadwecouldn’tafford.Therewasnopointinoverspendingonourdreamofpursuingasimple,inexpensivelife.Afterthisfirstheartbreak,wekeptrightonsearching.We’dlookedatreal

estatelongenoughtoknowthere’sneverjustonerighthome.It’seasytogetsweptupinthedramaofbetrothingyourselftoahouse,imaginingwhereyou’llputyourcouchandwhichwallyou’lltrackyourchild’sheighton,butbuyingahomeisasmuchafinancialundertakingasanemotionalone.Inadditiontoin-personjauntsuptoVermont,NateandIeducatedourselves

onthenuancesofruralproperties.Natelearnedhowtolocatepropertyboundariesinonlinemaps,howtoassesswherepowerlinesrun(sometimesrightnexttothehouse),aboutdifferenttypesofsepticandwellsystems,howtodeterminethematurityofaforest,andmore.Someoftheplacesweconsideredwerelessthanconventional,liketheformercommunelackingakitchen,ahalf

werelessthanconventional,liketheformercommunelackingakitchen,ahalflogcabin/halfhousethattheownerhadaddedonto,andahuntingcampwithlinoleumonthewalls.We’dalsoseenquiteafewattractivelistingswe’dseriouslyconsidered,butultimatelydisqualifiedforvariousreasons:youcouldseetheneighbors’house(wewantedtoberemote),therewasn’tenoughacreage,therewerenooutbuildings,onehomehadatwo-mile-longwindingdrivewayleadingtoahouseperchedattheapexofamountain(goodforviewsbutnotformuchofanythingelse),or,ashappenedinseveralinstances,thesurroundingtownandschooldistrictweren’tvibrant.Givenouryearandahalfofresearch,thisnewfounddreamhomestead

seemedalmosttoogoodonpaper,whichmadeusfairlycertainthere’dbesomehiddenflaw.Probablyitdidn’thaveindoorplumbingorwasmissinghalfitsrooforwasinhabitedbyafamilyofblackbears.Nevertheless,wedecidedtodrivenorthforonefinalpre-babyhomesteadhuntingtrip,whichwasasmuchbabymoonvacationaslegitimatehousehuntbecausethere’snowayyoufindyourdreamhomesteadwhenyou’reeightmonthspregnantwithyourfirstchild,right?!Itwasachilly,clearlateOctoberdayandtheskywasacloudless,brilliant,

almostotherworldlyblue.Mostofthetreeshadalreadycompletedtheirannualshedinpreparationforwinter,butenoughtardyleavesremainedtorewarduswithaslamofvermillionorsaffronorambereveryfewyards.Aswewalkeduptothehouse,afewofthoselateleavesswirledaround,crunchingbeneathourcitifiedfeet,whichweresoaccustomedtotheconfinementofconcreteandnotthesoftgiveofearth.Thehousewasevenbetterthanthepictures:fairlynewconstruction,wide

expansesofopenfloorplan,fourbedrooms,threebathrooms,customwoodworkandwoodfloorsthroughout,windowsoneverywall,newinsulation,andnoobviousfaults.Therealestateagentwhoshowedusthehomeclearlydoubtedourintentionsandabilitiesashomestead-buyers,seeingasweweresopregnant,sourban,andsoyoung.NateandIstayedovernightatanearbyAirbnbandcamebackthenextdaytohikethelandbyourselves,whichwasaritualwe’dperformedwitheveryotherpotentialhomesteadthat’dpassedourinitialinspection.Weneededtofeelthewoodssurroundingahomeandbepresentinthemon

ourown,sinceweweremakingthismoveasmuchforthelandasforthehouse.Thispropertywasasixty-six-acreparcelofforest,appletrees,gardens,streams,fields,andapond.Theownerswereprolificvegetablegardenersandwecouldseetheoutlineoftheirlaborsinthelowerfieldbelowthehouse.Bedafterbedofnow-dormantgardensawaitednewtending.Onthatmuchland,withthatmuchrawpotential,thepossibilitieswerealmostoverwhelming.

rawpotential,thepossibilitieswerealmostoverwhelming.Therewasatrailnexttothehouseleadingintothewoods,whichwasadense

mixoffirsandhardwoods,andwesetoutonit.Wehikeduphill,crossingastream,towhatwecalculatedwasthetopcorneroftheland.Ijumpeduponastumptolookaround.Icouldseeacresoftreesineverydirectionwithdeepautumnalhuesandstarkbranchesinterruptedbythesublimegreenofpines.Itwasasbeautifulasanyhikeinanynationalpark.Tothinkwecouldownthisland—ownthesewoods—wasalmostincomprehensibleinitswonder.Handinhandwewalkedbackdowntothehouseandwentonacircuitthroughthetwo-acreclearingsurroundingthehouseandbarn,morecityparkthanlawn.Wefoundagroveofappletreesclosetothehouse,neglectedandunharvestedfortheseasonastheownershadalreadymovedaway.Natepickedtwoapplesandwewalkeduptothewide,wooden-plankbackporch.Sittingonthatporch,withwarmafternoonsunstreamingdownonus,eatingapplesfromtreesnotfiftyfeetaway,IstartedcryingbecauseIknew.Thiswasit.Thiswasourhome.Wehadn’tintendedtofinditthemonthbeforeourdaughterwasdue.Commonsensewasscreamingnottodoit,nottomakesuchamajordecisionontopofamajorlifechange.Buttherewasnohelpingit.Wewerehopelesslyinlovewiththisproperty.Andtheclincher?Ithadhigh-speedfiberInternet.Internetaccessisnotagivenwithruralpropertiesandthisonehadthecrownjeweloffiber,whichhadbeenruntothehouseatnosmallexpensebythepreviousownersandcamecourtesyofanonprofitmunicipalcollectivededicatedtobringingbroadbandconnectivitytoruralcentralVermont.Thenextmonth,NateandIalternatedbetweenconductingduediligence

researchonthepropertyandafreneticcleaning,organizing,andreorganizingofourhomeinpreparationforourbaby.We’dlongsincesetupourentirelysecondhandnurserybecauseIhadintenseparanoiaaboutthebabyarrivingearlyandusnotbeingready.ImadeNateinstallthecarseatwhenIwasfivemonthspregnant.Mymottowasthatnoonehaseverregrettedbeingoverpreparedforababy.Despiteouremotionalattachmenttothishomestead,weweren’tabouttodiveintomakinganofferwithoutfirstrunningitthroughourownpersonalvettingprocess.Realtorscantellyouonlysomuchaboutaplaceandintheend,you’retheonewhohastolivewiththedecision.NateandIdivviedupthetasksofresearchingboththepropertyandthe

surroundingarea.Wewere,inthesimplestterms,tryingtofigureoutiftherewasasmoking

gun,somethingsinisterandwrongwiththisseeminglyperfectproperty.Theundertakingwewereconsideringwassubstantialandamountedtoalotmorethanjustbuyingahome.Somefactors,suchasthehealthofthesepticsystemandthewell,wouldn’tbe

revealedtousuntilthehomeinspection.

revealedtousuntilthehomeinspection.Buttherewerequiteafewothervariableswecouldresearchonourown.

Therewerethreereasonspromptingourmonthofexhaustiveindependentresearch:

1. Wewantedtoliveinthishomefordecadesanddidn’twanttouncoveracatastrophicconaftermovingin.

2. Unlikeourcityhome,whichhadappreciatedtremendouslyovertheyears,we’dconsiderthispropertyworthexactly$0inouroverallnetworthsincerurallandisn’tguaranteedtoappreciateorevenremainconstant.It’snotatalluncommonforhousestositonthemarketforyearsatatimeinrurallocationsduetoalackofdemand.Weneverplannedtogetourmoneybackonthisproperty,sowewantedtobesureitwaswhatwetrulywanted.Thiswasn’tafinancialinvestmentasmuchasitwastheachievementofanemotionalgoal.Forthatreason,wewantedtobecertainweloveditandcouldseeourselveslivingthereforaverylongtime.WithourCambridgehome,we’dbeenwillingtooverlookquiteafewnegativesbecauseitwassuchasoundfinancialinvestment.Wewouldn’thavethatknowledgetofallbackonwiththisproperty.

3. Thesizeandscopeofthishomestead,alongwithitsunusualrurallocation,createdaprodigiouslistoffactorstotakeunderconsideration,including:theclimate,ourabilitytomaintainthequarter-mile-longdriveway,theproximityofmedicalservices,thenearestgrocerystore,thecommunity,thehealthoftheforest,thesitingofthehomeandbarn,anylegalregulationsgoverningtheproperty(rurallandisoftenenrolledinaconservationorpreservationprogram,whichisusuallyagoodthingbutcanhinderanowner’sabilitytobuildorchangethingsontheproperty),thelocalschooldistrict,thechurches/libraries/communityservicesandeventsinthearea,andofcourse,allthethingsyounormallyconsiderwhenbuyingahome,suchastheconstruction,layout,andintegrityofthestructureitself.

Addinggravitytothisresearchwasthefactthatourfamilywasontheprecipiceofexpansionandweneededtofigureoutifthiswasaplacewhereachildcouldthrive.Thankfully,ouryearsofvettingVermontpropertiescameinhandy;wethoughtweknewwhatquestionstoask.Igotonthephonewiththelocalschooldistrict,theelementaryschool,andthepubliclibraryinaneffortto

localschooldistrict,theelementaryschool,andthepubliclibraryinanefforttosussoutwhattypesofactivitieswereprovidedandhowpeoplefeltabouttheirlocalinstitutions.Iaskedaboutclasssizes,artsandmusic,culturalevents,diversity,thecurriculum,andeverythingelseIcouldpossiblythinkoftoaskaprospectiveschool.Totheextentpossible,Iwantedtoknowwhoourneighborswouldbeandwhatopportunitiesourchildwouldhaveinthisbucolicruraltown.Igoogleddoctors,dentists,pediatricians,grocerystores,andeveryotherserviceIcouldimagineusneedingtoavailourselvesof.Imappedthedrivingdistancestothenearesthospital,thenearestpreschool,andmore.MeanwhileNatehunteddownforesters,lawyerswho’dpreviouslylitigatedon

theproperty,andtheowneronceprevioustothesellers.Ifatallpossible,speakingwithapreviousownerofahome,butnotthepersontryingtosellittoyou,isafabulouswaytogarnerhigh-quality,unbiased,unvarnishedadvice.Nate’sresearchwasaimedatlearningmoreaboutthesixty-sixacresoflandwewantedtoown:whatjurisdictionsgovernedtheproperty,howstabletheforestwas,andiftherewasanythingthatthrewthepropertyintoanunfavorablelegallightsinceanumberoflandparcelshadbeencombinedinordertocreatethenowsinglyownedacreage.Ourintenseresearchturnedupnothingnefarious,sowedecidedtomoveforward.ItwasNovember23andourduedatewasNovember25.Wedebatedwaitinguntilafterthebabywasbornanduntilafterthenewyear,

perhaps,butwecouldn’t.Thesellershadjustloweredthepriceagainandwedidn’twanttoriskwaiting.Ilayonourcouchwithapillowunderneathmyknees,huggingmybumpofababyabouttobeborn,myfeetinNate’slap,andwedeliberated.Whatitfinallycamedowntoafterhoursofresearch,phonecalls,andInternetstalkingwasthisquestion:“Howwouldyoufeelifsomeoneelseboughtittomorrow?”Istartedcryingandthatsettledit.Wemadeanofferonahouse,abarn,andsixty-sixacresofwild,wildwoodslocatedinadeeplyruraltownofbarelyfourhundredresidents,theweekourbabywasduetojoinus.Becausewhatelsecouldwedo?We’dplanned,prepared,researched,andsavedhundredsofthousandsof

dollars.Thiswasourmomenttostrategicallystrike.There’snogaininindecision.Innevertakingarisk.Inconstantlywondering

whatyourlifewouldbelikeifyoudidwhatyourheartcallsyoutodo.Neveractingonadreamisalmostasbadasnothavingadreaminthefirstplace.Thatallsoundswellandgood,doesn’tit?Butintruth,Iwasterrified.Ter-ri-

fied.IwasabouttogivebirthandwassigningmyselfupforGodknowswhatinGodknowswheremiddleofnowherefreakingdeer-coveredwoodlandswhereIknewnotasinglesoul.Theclosestneighborswerehalfamileaway.Asfatewouldhaveit,IhadpreciouslittletimetopanicbecauseIwentintolabor.

wouldhaveit,IhadpreciouslittletimetopanicbecauseIwentintolabor.

13Birth:SomethingThatNeverGoes

AccordingtoPlan

Iwokeupat5a.m.onMonday,November30,2015,withmilddiscomfortinmylowerabdomen.Iturnedontomysideinbedandwonderedwhattodo.Iwasfivedayspastmyduedate,butI’dalwaysassumedthestartoflaborwouldbeaccompaniedbyunambiguouspain,screaming,andadesiretobreatheviapanting.Ifeltnoneofthat.Itwasmoreofameekcrampyresonancebelowmybump.SoIgoogled“earlylabor”onmyphonewhileNatesnoozedunaware.Isawnopointinprematurelywakingamanwhoselifewasabouttoradicallychange.Whenouralarmwentoffasusualat6a.m.,ItoldNatethatsomethingwasdefinitelyhappening.Heleaptoutofbedandaskedwhatheshoulddo.Itoldhimtotakethedogoutandmakebreakfast.Ihadanapponmyphonetotrackcontractions,soIstartedpunchingthebuttonsfortimeandduration.Idon’tknowhowpeopletrackedthisstuffbeforetechnology.TheideaofdoingmathatthatmomentintimeseemedaboutaspossibleasridingintheTourdeFrance.Ienactedtheironcladfirst(andreallyonly)partofmybirthplan:takea

shower.Ihaveathingaboutbeingclean.IonceshoweredbeforegoingtotheERtohaveasoftball-sizesprainedankleexamined,andIwasabsolutelyshoweringbeforegivingbirth.TheonlyproblemwasthatIhadtokeepopeningtheshowerdoorandstabbingwithwethandsatmyphone,whichwassittingon

theshowerdoorandstabbingwithwethandsatmyphone,whichwassittingonthebathroomsink,inordertotrackthecontractions.Thatcharadefinallyover,Idressedinmygoing-to-the-hospitalclothes,whichI’dhadlaidoutforagoodmonthandahalf,andorderedNateintotheshower.Icalledmydoctortoexplainthesituationandsheasked,inwhatInowrealizewasatoneofalarm,howfarawayfromthehospitalIwas.Itwasonly7a.m.andI’dassumedwe’dbehomeforhourstocome,dayseven.Butshesaiditwouldbeagoodideaformetocomeinnowbecause,firstbabyornot,thingswereprogressingrapidly.Igatheredmybag(packedforweeks,naturally)andtriedtoeatbreakfast(aludicrousconceptatthispoint).Bynowthepainhadescalatedtothelevelofconfirmingthatthiswaslabor,eventoaneophytelaborer,andtheentireten-minuteridetothehospital,IgrabbedNate’sarmandaskedhowfarawaywewere(thisdespitethefactthatIknewexactlywherewewereasthehospitalwasbasicallyinourneighborhood).Ishoteyeballdaggersatalltheotherdrivers.Howcouldtheybeontheroad,

sippingtheircoffeethermoses,listeningtoNPRatatimelikethis?!Everonthelookoutforsavings,NateandIhadplannedinadvancetoparkthe

minivansomewhereonastreetclosetothehospitalsinceit’sinCambridgeand,ascityresidents,wewereentitledtofreestreetparking.Thistoavoidthe$7perdayhospitalparkinggaragefee.Butaswenearedthehospital,IusedseveralexpletivestotellNatewherehewouldbeparking:intheparkinggarageinaspotclosesttothedoor.Iboltedfromthecar,leavingNatetostraggleinwithourbags.Weweremetbyourlaboranddeliverynurse,Karen,whomIamcertaincanonlybedescribedasanangel.Karensettledusintoabirthingsuiteandwegotcomfortable,thinkingwe’dbethereforhours.IdecidedtoholdoffongettinganepiduralsinceIthoughtnaturalbirthwas

forme;afterall,I’dhikedafour-thousand-footmountainwhenIwassixmonthspregnantandwenttoaninety-minuteheatedVinyasaflowyogaclassthedaybeforegoingintolabor.TenminuteslaterIwasmoaningintoKaren’sscrubs-coveredshoulderandalternatingbetweenbeggingforanepiduralandchewingonmybedsheet.Theepidural,accompaniedbyanentireteam,cameswiftlyandwaseverybitasmagicalaslorehadpromised.IsettledintobedfeelingincontrolagainanddirectedNatetotexteveryoneIthoughtwecouldreasonablyinformofourcurrentlifestatus.Karenandmydoctorwereinandoutoftheroom,checkingonmeeveryfewminutes.Meanwhile,NateandIchatted,heldhands,decidedwhattoorderforlunch(Ithinkwewerethemostexcitedpeopleonthatentirematernitywardforthefreehospitalfood),andtookselfies.Iwasfeelinggood,letmetellyou.Thecontractionshadsubsidedfromtheir

zenithofknife-stabbing-accompanied-by-a-stiletto-grinding-into-the-top-of-your-footpaintoadullthrob,whichwasmoreofalightreverberation.“Oh!

your-footpaintoadullthrob,whichwasmoreofalightreverberation.“Oh!Anothercontraction!”I’dsay,insteadof“Mmmmmauuuuuhhhhh,”whichwasmypre-epiduralchant.Beforeactuallygoingintolabor,I’d

thoughtI’ddoyogaandcentermyselfwhileperhapsdeliveringmychildintomyownarmsinawarmtubofwater(somethingthehospitaloffered).Ialmostbroughtmyyogamatwithme,thinkingmaybeI’dgivebirthwhileindownwarddog.Aftergoingintolabor,conversely,Iwasunwillingtoevengetoffofthebedandwasreadytoadministertheepiduralmyself.Longabout11:30a.m.,KarenreportedthatthebabywaslaboringdownnicelyandthatIshouldgetreadytopushsoon.Istraightenedupinbed,butterfliedmylegsintotheoneyogaposeIdidmanagethatday,andsaid,“Oooooohhhhh!Pushing!”Beingapersonwhogetsdrunkononeglassofwine,theepiduralhadmepositivelyradiant.Karencamebacktocheckdilationafewminuteslaterandsuddenlyturnedfrantic.Shestoppedsmiling,rearedherheadbackwhilekeepingherarmonme,andtoldNatetopulltheemergencycallbutton.Hedidandnothinghappened.Itwasbroken.Shethentoldhimtorunandgethelp.Iwasnowmoderatelyalarmed,althoughstillfeelingmuchlikeIdoafterathree-champagnebrunchaccompaniedbyasmalleggsBenedict.Nate,beingsixfoottwo,bearded,andimposinginthebestofcircumstances,apparentlyraisedthealarmquiteeffectivelysinceaphalanxofdoctorsandnursesstreamedintoouronce-tranquilbirthingsuite,droppingclipboardsandcupsofcoffeeintheirwake.Astheywheeledmeaway,Icouldn’tunderstandwhatwashappening,why

wewereonthemove,orwhyKarenwassittingonthebedwithme.Fromtheirurgency,IgatheredIshouldbescared.TheyalsoleftNatestandinghelplessinourbirthingsuite,whichIconsideredabadsignforahospitalsoprogressiveandwater-birth-encouragingasthisone.AllIcouldseewastheceiling,whichwasoneofthosedrop-ceilingjobswithintersectingmetalbarsholdinguppock-marked,whitetiles.Istaredandstaredatit,willingittogivemeanswers.IkeptaskingifthebabywasOKandthennotunderstandingwhatIwasbeingtold.Icouldn’tmakeoutthewords.Iheardthedoctoryelling“faster,faster,faster.”Atsomepoint,threepeoplecrowdedaroundmyheadtotrytomakesmalltalk.Therewasawide-rangingdiscussionaboutBostonversusSanDiegoweather,andrequestsformetosqueezesomeone’shand.Afterwhatfeltliketwohours,Nateburstthroughtheoperatingroomdoorpartiallycladinscrubswithhislittletissue-paperhatonbackwardandtwofacemasks,onetocoverhisbeard.Then,seeminglyoutofnowhere,hewashandedababy.“Isthatours?”Iasked.Hesmiledandbroughtthebaby’sfaceclosetomine.ThentheyweregoneandIwasbacktolookingattheceiling.AsIlearnedlater,Iwasinandoutofconsciousnessthroughouttheentirecesareansection,whichexplainswhyI

consciousnessthroughouttheentirecesareansection,whichexplainswhyIthoughtnoonewasansweringmyquestions.I’dwakeuplongenoughtoshoutthemoutandthenpassoutbeforehearingtheresponses.WhatfeltlikehoursasIlaythereprone,unabletomove,andunsureofwhat

washappeningtomybodyandmybaby,wasactuallyaboutsevenminutes.Aftermysurgerywascomplete,theywheeledmebackintothebirthingsuitewhereNatewasstandingnexttothewindowholdingwhatIassumedwasourdaughter.Shedidn’tlooklikeI’dthoughtshewould.I’dimaginedherallthosemonthsasatoddler,akindergartener,aGirlScout,butsomehownotasanewborn.Shewassotinyandfragileandredandmushy.Butshewasdazzlingandbeautiful.Iwascaptivated.NateandKarensettledheronmychesttonurseandshelatchedimmediately,suckingawayasifsheweredesignedforthis,thismomentofconnectionandsustenance.Iwastheonewonderingwhattodo,wheretoputmyarms,whethershecouldbreathethroughherimpossiblysmallnosethatwasnowsmashedagainstmychest,butshewaswhollyabsenttheanxietiesofawareness.Shewashungryandsheknewhowtoeat.Welaylikethatforalmostanhour,mesleeping,mybabyeating.WhenIwokeup,Karensatdownnexttomybedandexplainedwhathad

happened.Whenshe’dcometocheckmydilationonelasttimebeforetellingmetopush,she’dfeltwhat’sreferredtoasthemidwife’scurse:aprolapsedumbilicalcord.Thismeansthecordwasprotrudingaheadofthebaby,whichisalife-threateningsituationsince,ifuntreated,thebabywillloseoxygen.Karenimmediatelytriedthefirstremedyofpushingthecordbackinsidenext

tothebaby,butthatdidn’twork.Theonlyotherremedytopreventoxygenloss,andthusextensivebraindamage,isanimmediatecesareansection.Karenheldthecordintoensurethebabywouldn’tloseoxygenuntiltheycouldcutherout.That’swhyherurgencywassorawandwhyshehadNaterunscreamingintothehall.Protocolwasnolongerimportant.That’swhythey’dwhiskedmeoffwithoutlettingNatecatchup,andwhytheC-sectionwasunderwaybeforeIevenunderstoodwhatwashappening.ThankstoKaren’sswiftresponse,ourdaughterwasbornperfectlyhealthy,boisterous,andyellingwithfulllungsandanintactbrain.MygratitudetoKaren,ourdoctor,andthedozensofpeoplewholeaptintoactionthatmorningisdeeperandmoreprofoundthananythingI’veeverfelt.Cordprolapseisrareandoccursinfewerthan1percentofpregnancies,butitdoesn’tfeelrarewhenithappenstoyou.SinceI’dhadaC-section,we’dnowbeinthehospitalforfourdaysas

opposedtotwo,whichsoundedlikeafabulousplantome.Iwasexhausted,heavilydrugged,andinexcruciatingpain.WecalledourparentstoletthemknowthattheywerenowgrandparentstoEstelleJulietteThames,themiddlenamemygrandmother’s,andwetoldeachotherthattheworstwasover.

namemygrandmother’s,andwetoldeachotherthattheworstwasover.Twodayslater,adoctorandanursewokeusupinthemiddleofthenight

holdingourdaughter.Estelle(whomwequicklystartedcallingStella)hadgonetothenurseryforthenightandwhilethere,thenursesobservedwhattheycalled“oxygendesaturation,”whichbasicallymeansshewasn’tbreathingproperlyandhadturnedblue.ThedoctorsaidtheywereadmittingherimmediatelytotheLevel2NICUnurseryforobservation.Estelle’sminusculehands,feet,andchestwerehookeduptofourdifferent

monitorstotrackhervitalsigns.Thesetethersmeantshecouldn’tbemorethanafewfeetawayfromhercribatanytime.Andso,NateandIwalkedanexpansethat,tome,feltlikeseveralmilesfrommyroomtotheNICUeverytwohourssothatourbabycouldnurse.Natesandwichedarockingchairinthecornerbehindherplasticboxcribandmovedthewiresoutofthewayinordertonestleheronmetoeat.Initially,thedoctorplannedtokeepherforobservationjustovernight,butshecontinueddesaturating,whichkeptextendingherstay.Shehadtomakeitafullforty-eighthourswithnodesaturationsbeforeshe

couldbedischarged.WhilesittingintheNICU,nursingourmostlyhealthy,heavilymonitored,full-terminfant,wesawdozensofotherbabiesinfarworseconditionandwithdireprognoses.Wefeltguiltyathowgratefulwewereandwe’dgripStellatightlyanytimeanewinfantcamein,asiftheirmaladymightbecontagious.Iwasscheduledtobedischargedafterfourdays,butsinceStellahadtostay

on,thehospitalarrangedformetosleepinaroomdownthehall,notasapatient,butasaguest.Mygratitudewasnowadeepwellthatkeptexpanding.Despitebeingahospital,withallthebureaucracythatentails,theyvaluedourdesiretoexclusivelybreastfeedandbeclosetoourdays-oldchild.Natecouldn’tstayintheroomsinceIhadtosharewithanothermother,sohetrekkedbackandfortheveryday.He’dcomeat6a.m.andstayuntil10p.m.,whenI’dkickhimoutforfearhe’dfallasleepwhiledrivinghome.WhatI’dallbutforgottenwasthefactthatwewereinthemidstofnegotiatingourofferonahomesteadthatwas150milesaway.Natewouldpopoutintothehospitalcorridortoanswercallsfromourrealestateagentandlawyer.HeletmeweaveaprotectivecocoonaroundEstelleinthenoisy,brightNICU

whilehedealtwiththisotherlooming,pressingelementofourfuture.SheandIwouldsleeptogetherintherockingchair,andinvariably,oneofuswouldshiftandknockherminifootmonitorloose,settingoffapealofbeepsandalarms.Inspiteofhowoftenwehadtohavethefootmonitorreattached,ournursesredefinedtheconceptofcompassion.OneofthemhelpedmeshowerandkneltdowntowashmyfeetsinceIcouldn’tbendover.Theybroughtmejuiceandshowedmehowtobathe,diaper,andnurseEstelle,whichwasnotpartoftheirjob,butwhichtheydidwithlove.TheycouldnothavebeenmoregivinghadI

job,butwhichtheydidwithlove.TheycouldnothavebeenmoregivinghadIbeentheirowndaughter.OnourfifthdayintheNICU,twonursespoppedoverwithhugesmilesandsaiditwastimeforourphotoshoot.TheystuffedStellaandhermanycordsintoagiantChristmasstocking.ItwasearlyDecemberafterall,afactI’dforgotten.TheypositionedNateandmecuddlingourpreciousgift.Atthelastminute,theysquirtedsugarwaterintoStella’smouthtomakeher“smile.”Tothisday,it’smyfavoritepictureofthethreeofus.Afteraweek,Stellamadeittherequisiteforty-eighthourswithnormal

breathing,sowewereallowedtoleave.I’dbecomesoacclimatedtolifeinthehospitalwiththemealsprovided,thenursestheretohelpme,andStellaunderobservationsoIdidn’thavetoworryabouther,thatIwasalmosthesitanttoleave.I’dcometodependonthiscommunityofpeopletosupportme.Addingtomyconcernwasthefactthattheinspectiononourhomesteadwasscheduledfor11a.m.thedayofherdischarge.Natespokewiththedoctorandwasabletosecurearare6a.m.releaseforus,

whichwouldgiveNatejustenoughtimetodriveushomefromthehospital,installusinthehouse,andthendrivethethreehourstoVermont.Whenwewalkedthroughthefrontdoor,IsawthatNatehadarrangedthelivingroomtomeetoureveryneed.He’dlinedupourthreedifferentbabybouncersandswings,laidoutagiganticpileofblanketsandtowels,preparedalunchformeinthefridge,andstockedthechangingtablewithnewborndiapers(I’dboughtsizeonediapersinadvance,butStellawasapeanutwhoworenewbornsforagoodtwomonths).Istillwasn’tsupposedtoliftanythingandhadahardtimesitting,standing,andwalkingonaccountofthemajorabdominalsurgeryI’dhad.SoItalkedwithmymomandsister,mothersofthreechildreneach,onthephonealldaylong,andgavethemaminute-by-minuteaccountingofStella’sactivities.Icouldn’tbelieveIwasallowedtobealonewithaninfantwho’d,uptothispointinherlife,beenunderconstantsurveillancebytrainedmedicalstaffandaplethoraofmonitoringdevices.ImanagedtokeepheraliveuntilNategothomethateveningandhetoldmeourdreamwasago.Thehomesteadhadpasseditsinspections,andweweresailingtowardclosing.

14TheBusiestFourMonthsofOur

Lives

ItwasJanuary15,2016,Iwasfreezing,itwassleeting,wewereonwhatwassoon-to-be-ourdrivewayofwhatwassoon-to-be-ourVermonthomestead,andwewerestuck.Ormoreaccurately,ourancientminivanwasstuck.Thevanwentdownthequarter-mile-long,hilly,ice-coveredgraveldrivewayfairlyeasily,andit’devenbackedintotheparkingareabelowthedrivewaywithoutincident.Butnowitwouldn’tgobackout.Nate,Stella,andI,plusGraciethegreyhound,hadpiledintothevanat6a.m.thatmorninginCambridge,alongwithanairmattress,abassinet,acooleroffood,aboxofwine(priorities),andadogbed,anddriventhethreehoursnorthtofinalizethepurchaseofourhomestead.Thesellershadacceptedouroffer,theinspectionshadgonewell,andherewewereforthefinalwalk-throughofthepropertywithourrealestateagent.Inursedasix-week-oldStellasittingonthestaircase,thenchangedherdiaperonthekitchencounter,whileNatecheckedthebarn,thetractor(whichwasincludedinthesale),andthehousetoensureeverythingwasinorderandthatthesellershadperformedthetworepairswe’drequested:fixingthemasterbathroomtoiletandinstallingaradon-mitigationsysteminthebasement.Findingnoflaws,weloadedourmenageriebackintothevan(nosmallfeat,sincethedogwassupposedtositnexttothebabyinthebackseatandwas

foreveroverdoingherjumpintothecarandlandingonthecarseat).Nateturnedtheengineandwefeltthetiresskidunderneathus.Therewastoo

muchiceforoursnow-tire-lessvan.Afterourrealestateagentputsomedirtunderthewheels,wewereabletosqueal

outofourparkingspot.Nategunneditupthree-quartersofwhatwasabouttobeourdriveway,butthevansurrenderedonthefinalhillycrestthatweavesaroundatreejustbeforeyoureachtheroad.We’dknownthisdrivewaywouldbeapainbecauseitwassteepandlongandoursoleresponsibilitytomaintain.Buttheprosofthishomestead—theland,thegorgeoushouse,thepond,thehigh-speedfiberInternet,andthegoodschooldistrict—alloutweighedit.Orsowe’dthought.Theminivanwasnowentrenchedonthishilllikeadowagerensconcedinherchairduringaweddingreception’sdevolutionintothechickendance,unwillingtomoveineitherdirection.Nategotouttohikebackdowntothehousetoaskourrealestateagenttocallatowtrucksince,naturally,wehadnocellreception.Sittinginthepassengerseat,IturnedupNPRandtheheatandreachedinto

thebackseattopatthegirls.AsIhummedalongtotheMorningEditionthemesong,thevanstartedslidingbackwardontheice.Ijumpedoutofthecarandreleasedaprimordialscream—thescreamthatmothersovermillenniahavescreamedwhentheirbabieswereabouttobeeatenbyawoollymammoth/succumbtotheplague/slideoffanicydriveway.IstartedtorunbehindthevantostopitwithmybodywhenNatejoggedupthedrivewayandgrabbedmetopreventmefrombeingrunover.Thevangentlyslidintoasnowbankonthesideofthedrivewayandcametoasmoothstop.IrippedStellaoutofthecarandsatinthesnowsobbinghysterically.Inthespanoffifteenseconds,alltheconfidenceI’dbuiltthispastmonthandahalfthatweweredoingtherightthing,thatthishomesteadwastheone,thatweweren’tcrazytomovetothemiddleofnowherewithaninfant,wasshattered.Obliterated.Ifeltstupid,andnotjustfortryingtoboltbehindamovingcarasopposedto

climbingoverintothedriver’sseattosteerlikearationalperson.Weknewthistwenty-year-oldminivanthatlackedall-wheeldriveandsnowtireswasn’toptimalfordrivinginsnow,butwe’ddoneitanyway.AsNateheldmeholdingStellainthefifteen-degreeaironthesideofthedriveway,ourVermont-nativerealestateagentmanagedtodrivethecaroutofthedrivewayinwhatcanonlybedescribedasacannonballrun.Icriedandshooktheentiredrivetoourlawyer’sofficefortheformalclosingandpaperworksigning.NateaskedifIstillwantedtogothroughwithit.Ihesitated.Thisepisodeencapsulatedallmyfearsaboutthismove:thatwe’dbeoutofourdepthonsuchruralland,thatweweren’tprepared,andthatthere’dbenoonetohelpmeifsomethinghappenedtoourbaby.However,we’dspentsomuchtimeresearchingthisdecisionthat,

toourbaby.However,we’dspentsomuchtimeresearchingthisdecisionthat,despitemymisgivings,Iwasconfidentthiswastheplace.Ialsoconsideredthealternativeofnotfollowingthisdream,ofreturningtothecity,oflivingwithall-encompassingregret.Thatwasanevenworsefate.SoIsaidyes,butwiththecaveatthatIneverwantedtodrivethatcardownthatdrivewayeveragain.Andwedidn’t.Itwasnowafullhourpastourscheduledappointmenttimewithourlawyer,

theseller,abanker,andbothrealestateagents.Weburstintotheofficeahotmess:mehavingonlyrecentlystoppedcrying,

Stellainacarriersnuggledagainstmychestinherbestimitationofamarsupial,andNateclutchingoursixty-pounddogwhowaswild-eyedfromthetraumaofridinginacarandclimbingupthethreeflightsofstairstotheoffice.I’mprettysuretheyallthoughtwewerecrazy.Notcrazyinafox-typeway,butgenuinelyoutofourminds.ThepapersweresignedasourdogpantedonthefloorandStellanursed,thekeyswerehandedover,andweevenrememberedtohaveourrealestateagentsnapafamilyphotoofus.Thatnightweparkedthevanatthetopofthedrivewayandhikeddowntothe

houseinthedark,litbytheflashlightsI’dthrownintothecaratthelastminute.Campingoutinournewhome,withafireglowinginthewoodstoveandStellasnoozingonherbassinetmattressonthefloor,NateandItoastedwiththeboxofwinewe’dbroughtandagreedthatthiswas,infact,it.We’ddoneit.Oratleastthefirstpartofit,becausethatnightwasthestartofthebusiestfourmonthsI’veeverendured.We’dbemovinguptoVermontfulltimeinMayandbeforethathappened,weneededtobuytwocarsandIneededtoquitmyjob;weneededtorentoutourCambridgehouse,haveNateworkfulltimeathisoffice,buildupmyfreelancebusiness,andpackupallofourworldlypossessions.Withaninfant.“Replaceminivan”hadbeensittingonourto-dolistforsometime,butafter

itsperformanceonthedriveway,wehurriedthatlineitemalong.Movingtothewoodsfromthecitywasn’tmerelya

changeinscenery,itwasasweepinglifestylerevamp;weneededtworeliablecarsinsteadofonegeriatricvan.There’snopublictransitinruralVermont,andwehadnodesireforoneofustobeunabletoleavethepropertyiftheotherwasout.Natehadbeendoingcarresearchforyearssothatwhenthetimecame,we’dbepreparedtobuy.Thatspring,wepaidcashforausedSubaruOutbackandausedToyotaPrius,whichallowedustoachieveourdualgoalsofexcellentgasmileage(viathehybridPrius)andall-wheeldrive(viatheSubaru)forVermont’ssnowandmudseasons.Payingcashinfullfortwocarsjustthreemonthsafterhavingourfirstchild

andamonthafterbuyingahomesteadwithoutneedingtofirstsellourCambridgehomewasourextremefrugalityinaction.We’dsavedforyearsbyforgoingunnecessaryluxuriesandeconomizingonnecessitiessothatwecoulddoexactlythis:spendonthethingsthatmatteredtous.Also,I’dberemissifIdidn’tpointoutthatbuyinganewcarhastobeoneoftheworstfinancialdecisionshumanlypossible.Carsdepreciatetheminute—yestheminute—they’redrivenoutoftheshowroom,andthemarkuponanewcarisegregious.Ausedcar,ontheotherhand,allowsyoutoletsomeoneelsesufferthatinitialdepreciationwhileyougetavehiclethat’sstillperfectlysafe,drivable,andvastlylessexpensive.Wantrealnumbers?Hereyougo:in2016,weboughta2010SubaruOutbackwith100,000milesfor$12,000andaToyotaPrius,alsoa2010andalsowithjustunder100,000miles,for$9,000.Brandnewin2010,thatOutbackretailedfor$26,790andthePriusfor$23,800.Thatmeanswerealizeda55percentdiscountontheSubaruanda62percentdiscountonthePrius.Wespent$21,000totalontworeliablecarsthatwerejustsixyearsoldandinexcellentcondition,versusthestaggering$50,590pricetagofnew.Anddon’tfoolyourselfintothinkingyouneedanewcarforthesafetyfeaturesortheall-wheeldrive,becauseyoucanfindalltheseamenitiesandmoreincarsthatarejustafewmodelsearlierthanthecurrent.Owningacaratallisaluxury,andI’mofthebeliefthatallluxuries,from

chocolatetoelectivehomerenovations,shouldbepaidforinfullandwithcash.Ifyoucan’tpaycash?Youdon’tgettobuyit.Inthespiritofkeepingthecycleofusedcarsalive,wesoldour1996HondaOdysseyminivanfor$1,000onCraigslistinCambridgebecauseitwasstillagreatcar,justnotacarequippedforlifeintheruralwilds.Thatresaleillustratesanothercardinaltruthaboutusedcars:youcanusuallyresellthemataratethatnetsyouafairlyreasonablereturnonyourinitialinvestment.Youprobablywon’tmakeallofyourmoneyback,butsincetheinitial,colossaldepreciationalreadytookplace,yourresalepricewillbemuchclosertothepriceyoupaid.Thisasopposedtotheremarkablediscrepancybetweenthepriceofanewcaranditsresalepotential.Payingcashforcarsisalsoaperfectillustrationofthefactthatfrugalityisa

compoundinggame.Byneverhavingcarpaymentsoranyothernon-mortgagedebt,andtheoften-exorbitantinterestratesthatgoalongwithsuchdebt,NateandIhavealwaysbeenabletosaveatahighrate,whichmeanswe’reabletoavoidhavingcarpayments,whichmeanswe’reabletosaveatahigherrate...it’savirtuouscycleoflowspendingandhighsavingthat’sself-perpetuating.Thelessmoneyyouneedtoliveon,themoreyousave,andthelessyouneedtoearn.Plus,whenyou’repayingoffacarloanorotherdebtwithinterest,yourmoneyiscompoundinginyourcreditor’sfavor.Whenyouinsteadinvestthat

moneyinlow-feeindexfunds,forexample,yourmoneyisworkingforyouandcompoundsinyourfavor.Anditdoesn’ttakeallthatmuchmoneytoyieldsubstantialdividendsinthefuture.SinceI’vealreadygonethere,let’sdoanotherexamplewithrealnumbers.Forthisexercise,I’mgoingtousecabletelevision,whichhastobemyall-timefavoritebudgetscapegoat.Here’sthepremise:WouldyouratherwatchTVorhave$91,000?Permitme

toexplain.Let’ssayyouspend$75amonthoncable.I’llgrantyouthatdoesn’tsoundlikeahugeamountofmoneyonitsown.But

multipliedbytwelvemonths,that’s$900ayearontelevision.Now,let’ssayyouinsteadinvestedthat$900inlow-feeindexfundsandrealizeda7percentreturn,whichisconsideredanaverageannualmarketreturnoverthelongterm.Imagineyoukeptthatsame$900investedfordecades,whichisthewisestwaytoinvest,andadded$900toyourinvestmentseveryyearinsteadofpayingforcable.Inthirtyyears,yourannualinvestmentsof$900would’vegrownto$91,865.74.Yeah,youreadthatright:$91,865.74.Nowaskyourselfagain:Wouldyouratherhave$91Korwatchtelevision?Thatisthepoweroffrugality(coupledwithdiligentinvesting)totransform

yournetworth.Whenyouturnyourmoneyovertosomeoneelse,acablecompanyforexample,you’renotjustgivingupthatdollaramount,you’regivingupallofthepotentialgainsthatmoneycouldhaveforyou.Inotherwords,theopportunitycost.Andthatwasanexampleusingjustoneuselessmonthlybilltotalingameasly$900peryear.Imaginewhatthetotalwouldbeinthirtyyearsifyoueliminatedhaircuts,moviesatthetheater,manicures,newclothes,newfurniture,takeout,newcars,lattes,andeverythingelsethat’sadrainonyourmonthlyexpenses.Theheartofextremefrugalityistheknowledgethatthecompilationofseeminglypiddlyamountsofmoneyyieldtremendousdividendsovertime.It’snotlikeNateandIhavebeeninvestedforthirtyyearsyet;wewereonlythirty-twoyearsoldatthetime;butwe’dsavedatsuchahighratethatwe’dwalkedourwayrightoutofthecultureofmoreandrightintofinancialindependence.Nearlyanyonewithadecentjobcoulddowhatwe’vedone,yetveryfewdo.Why?Becauseittakesshort-termsacrifice,long-termplanning,andaconviction

thatwhatwewantoutoflifeisn’tsoldinastore.Iwanttotakeastepbackforamomentandacknowledgetheprivilege

inherenttooursituation.AlthoughNateandIdidn’tinheritmoneyandourparentsdidn’tfundouradulthoodorbuyusahouse,we’rebothprofoundlyprivileged.Wemadesomegoodfinancialdecisions,sure,butwealsogotsupremelyluckyand,inmanyways,thegamewasriggedinourfavor.Wewereraisedbywell-educated,financiallyandemotionallystableparentswhotaughtustoread,madesurewewenttoschool,andshepherdedusthroughlife.These

ustoread,madesurewewenttoschool,andshepherdedusthroughlife.Theseparentshelpeduspayforcollegeandgaveusadviceonhowtowriteourfirstrésumésanddidpracticejobinterviewswithus.Thedeckwasstackedinourfavorbeforewewereevenborn.Ourfinancialadvantagesaretheproductofoursocioeconomicstatus,oureducationlevels,andmostofall,thebenefitswebothhadwhilegrowingup.Ibelievethatpeople—Nateandmeincluded—aren’tsuccessfulsimplybecausethey’vemadeafewgooddecisions.IneverwanttolosesightofthefactthatprivilegecoursesthroughourlivesandthatNateandIwouldbenowherewithoutthisluckystart.Wewerebornintherightcountryattherighttimetotherightpeople.Allbeyondourcontrol,yetalllargelyresponsibleforwherewearetoday.There’sagreatdealofinstitutionalprivilegeandstraight-upluckthatgoesintothesuccessNateandIhaveenjoyed.Amidthesesoundfinancialdecisionsandabilitytopaycashforusedcarsand

mathaboutcableTVandthefulfillmentofourdreams,NateandIweremiredintheoftenbaby-spit-up-covered,often

sleep-deprived,oftenharriedtrenchesofourfourmonthsofinsanity.Asifitweren’tenoughtoparentathree-month-old,buycars,andrentoutandpackupahome,NateandIexperiencedastringofhomeownernightmares(allinourCambridgehouse)thatwe’vecometocallRevengeoftheAppliances.Iwishthiswerehyperbolic,butit’sprettymuchnot.First,oneofthepipesin

ourCambridgehomefrozeandburstonaparticularlyfrigidnight,whichwediscoveredafterarrivinghomeat8p.m.onaSundayafteraweekendinVermont.NatetaughthimselfhowtoinstallPEXplumbingandreplumbedourentirekitchenat10p.m.Nextourovenbroke.Natetookitapart,replacedseveralpieces,putitbacktogether,anditstilldidn’twork.Wecalledovenrepairpeoplewhodidtheexactsamethinganditstilldidn’twork.Weboughtanewoven.Theclosetdoorinourmasterbedroomcameoffofitsrollingtrackandwehadtodismantle,repair,andreassembleit.Ourmainwatervalvewouldn’tshutoffallthewayandhadtobereplaced,whichnecessitatedturningthewaterofftoourentirestreetonemorning.Wehadtoreplacetwoupstairsceilingsthatthreatenedtocollapse.Thedownstairsbathtubrequiredrefinishing.Aholeinthefloorneededfixing.AndtheSubaru’swindshieldbroke,whichnecessitatedreplacement.Alsosomethinghappenedtoourtoilet;Natedidsomethingtomakeitallbetter.Ourfreezerstarteddrippingwaterintoourfridge,whichwasDIY-ableafterconsiderabletimespentondiagnostics.Ialsointerviewedpropertymanagersforoursoon-to-be-rentalaswellasmovingcompaniesforoursoon-to-occur-moveandcontractorsforthosetwoceilings,whichhadtobedemolishedandinstalledafresh...andthenneededcrownmoldingtoconcealthegapcreatedbetweentheoldwallsandthenewceilings.

Nottomentionthebottomlessreamsofpaperworkandlogisticssurroundingmoving(seemepickingupfreemovingboxesfrommyBuyNothinggroup),becominglandlords(seemecleaningthehouseinpreparationforittobephotographedandrentedout),twonewcars(seemeattheDMVgettinglicensesandregistrations),andwelcominganewhumantotheuniverse(seemeinlineatCityHallbuyingcopiesofherbirthcertificate).IalwaysliketothinkthatIcandoanythingforashortperiodoftimeand,in

retrospect,thisseemslikeahilariousrundownofmishaps;butatthetime,Iwasexhaustedandnearlyburnttoacrisp.Iwasfiguringouthowtobeaparent,Natewasstillworkingatanofficealldayeveryday,stuffkeptbreakinginthehouseweweretryingtorentout,wehadanotherhouse150milesawaythatwedroveuptocheckoneveryweekend,andIforgottomentionthatIwasalsogrowingmyonlinebusiness.We’ddecidedlongbeforefindingourhomesteadthatIwouldn’tgobacktomynine-to-fivejobaftermymaternityleaveended.I’dbeenbuildingFrugalwoodsinadditiontomydayjobfortwoyearsatthatpoint,andwritingfreelancearticlesforotherfinancialsites.Thatfall,we’drealizedFrugalwoodswasathingandanactualrevenue-generatingbusiness.Nexttobirthingmychild,Iwasbirthingthispassionprojectthatletmeespousemybeliefsaboutfrugalityandsimpleliving.Anditwasworking.Peoplewerereadingit!Lotsofpeople!Butthethingaboutababyandabusinessisthattheybothneedtobefed.Fortunately,Icouldmultitaskthesedualneeds.I’dsnuggleStellaontopofapillow(ahand-me-downMyBrestFriend,ifyoumustknow)andwedgeherbetweenmybodyandthekitchentablesothatshecouldnursewhileIworkedonmylaptop.ItwasanepitomeofthethirdwaythatNateandIwerecarvingout.Wedidn’twanttooutsourceourdaughter’scare—nottomentionthefactthat

daycareinCambridgecostsmorethanourmortgage—butwealsodidn’twanttogiveupdoingworkthatwasmeaningfultous.Idon’tworkbecauseweneedthemoney.OurfrugalityallowedmetoquitthatlifestylebeforeIturnedthirty-two.IworkbecauseIenjoyit.Becauseitenrichesmeandbringsdeeperfulfillmenttomydays.May2016finallyarrived,wehadtenantsandasignedleaseforanamountof

rentthatwasrevenue-generatingafterexpenses,andweweremiraculouslypackedandreadytogoafullthreedaysbeforeamovingtruckandmyblessedin-lawsshowedupatourhousetoschlepme,Nate,onedog,onebaby,ahouseholdfullof(mostlyused)materialpossessions,andtwocarsfromurbantorural.

15OurThirdWay

ItwasJuly4,2016,andI’dsigneduptobringthreewatermelonsandtwopies.Natewasdownforsettinguptentsand“chickenhauling,”despiteuncertaintyoverwhatthelatterentailed.Theparadestartedat10a.m.,soat9:45IdroveStellathetwomilesfromourhousetothetowncenter.Ientrustedthepiesandwatermelonstotheladies’auxiliary,whowereassemblingthechickenlunchinthekitchenofourtowncenterbuilding.AsIwalkedacrossthesun-drenchedstreettothepastorallawnofwhatservesasourtown’slibrary,children’sactivitycenter,storesellinglocallymadegoods,coffeeshop,hostel,andhometosuchgroupsastheCivicsKlatch,theWomen’sWellnessCircle,andtheHistoricalSociety,IwavedtoNate,whowassettinguptentswithafewofourneighbors.Iboughtashortcakefromthelibrary’sstrawberryshortcakefund-raiserand

settledinonthelawnwithfriendstowatchtheparade.StellawassoonswoopedintothearmsofoneofourneighborsandIchattedwithanothermomI’drecentlymet.Withasirenblastfromourvolunteerfiredepartment’struck,theparadewas

underway.Allthekidsintownledtheparaderidingbikesthey’ddeckedthatmorningwithribbons,stickers,andballoons.TherewasalsoacontingentwearingwhatIassumewerelastyear’sverypatrioticHalloweencostumes:anAbeLincoln,aLadyLiberty,andadinosaurwearinganAmericanflaghat.Ourlocalstaterepandhiswifedroveintheirtruckandwaved.Theparadewasallof

localstaterepandhiswifedroveintheirtruckandwaved.Theparadewasalloffiveminuteslong,butthecheerswereriotous.Afterward,thekidsre-collectedthecandythey’dthrowntotheparadespectators(akatheirparentsandtheotheradultsintown).StellaandImetupwithNate,who’dcompletedhistent-setting-updutyandwasgettingreadytochickenhaul,whichasitturnedoutmeanttotingchickensfromtheoutdoorroasterinsidetothekitchenfortheluncheon.We’dlivedinVermontforbarelytwomonthsandwealreadyknewmorepeopleandhadamoregratifyingcommunitylifethanwe’deverhadinthecity.BackinCambridge,andbeforethatinDCandNewYorkCity,we’dbeen

surroundedbypeople.Ourneighbor’shouseinCambridgewasamereteninchesawayfromours.Thebuses,thesubways,andthesidewalksweregluttedwithhumanity.Butwehardlyknewanyone.Wehadasetoffriendswe’dgettogetherwithperiodicallyfordinnerpartiesorgamenights,butwedidn’thaveatruecommunity.OurVermonttownoffourhundredpeople,ontheotherhand,embodiesthatword.Peoplehereareself-sufficient,becauseyouhavetobetolivethisremotely.Theychoptheirownwood,growtheirownfood,andraisetheirownlivestock,butthey’realsointerdependent.Theyknownoonecandoitallalonesotheyleanononeanother.Backinthecity,I’dalwayssaythingstofriendsalongthelinesof,“Youshouldstopbysometime”or“Letmeknowifyouneedhelpwithanything,”butmywordswereemptyandpeoplerarelytookmeuponmyoffer.ThefirsttimeIsaidsomethingalongthoselinestoaneighborhereinVermont,theywereinmygardenthenextmorninghelpingmedigoutflowerbulbstodonatetothetown’splant,book,andbakesalefund-raiser.Ididn’tknowIwasmissing—lacking,even—thewarmth,thesupport,andthe

wisdomthatacommunityoffersuntilwemovedtoVermont.Thedayafterwemovedin,asNateandIscrambledtounpack,awomanappearedatourbackdoor.Afterlivingintheoften-contentiousclosequartersofcitiesforyears,myfirstthoughtwasthatwe’dalreadydonesomethingtooffendtheneighborsandthatshewasheretocomplainand/orinformuswewerebeingsued.Butthisisnotthecityandthatwasnotthecase.Rather,she’dheardwe’dmovedinandhadstoppedbytogiveusseveraljarsofhomemadejamandtoaskifweneededanything.Dumbstruck,weinvitedournewneighborinsideandchattedforanhour.Thisstereotypicallyruralbehaviorrepeateditselfasneighborafterneighbordroppedbyunannouncedtoofferusahomemadefoodstuff,assistance,andakeeninterestinshootingthebreeze.Aftereachofournewfriendsdeparted,NateandIwouldturntoeachotherandsay,“Thisiswhywemovedhere!Thisiswhatwewanted!”Connection,warmth,andcommunity-mindedspirit.I’mnolongersurprisedbytheimmensekindnessofeveryoneImeetouthere,butI’mtouchedeverytime.

here,butI’mtouchedeverytime.Aboutsixmonthsaftermovingin,oneofmyneighborsaskedifshecould

comeovertowatchourdaughter.Iinitiallythoughtshewasofferingherservicesasababysitter,whichsoundedgood,butshequicklyclarifiedthatshedidn’twanttobepaid.Withoutputtingitinsomanywords,shewantedtobecomeStella’sadopted

grandmother.Ourneighbordoesn’thavegrandchildrenofherownyetandsheadoreschildren.SeeingthatNateandIdidn’thaveanyfamilylivingnearby,sheintuitedthatwe’dprobablywelcomethehelp,warmth,andultimatelythelovethatagrandparentprovides.ShenowcomesoveronemorningaweektowatchStella,andoneeveningamonthtoallowNateandmetogooutonadate.Thisisaremarkablegifttousnewparents,whichismadeallthemorespecial

becauseshe’snotabloodrelativeandshedoesn’toweusthisservice.Shedoesn’thavetoloveourdaughter,butshedoes.Iknowthatarrangementslikethisexistincities,insuburbs,andeverywhereelse,butforme,thistypeofdeepconnectiondidn’thappenbeforeourVermontlife.Notmanypeopleliveouthere,sothosethatdotendtoforgerelationshipsthat

defymarketforcesandsocialnorms.There’sdocumentedresearchinbehavioraleconomicsthatpeopledon’trespondwelltobeingpaidforwhattheyconsiderfavorstofriends,andIfindthatringsparticularlytrueinourruralcommunity.Notmuchmoneychangeshands,butagreatdealofworkgetssharedaround,whichishowNatefoundhimselfhelpingtofixthewellatthetowncommunitycenteroneTuesday.Andhowhefindshimselfservingontheboardsoftwodifferentlocal

nonprofitorganizations.Andwhyeverygatheringouthereisapotluck,weddingsincluded.AnotheruniqueandfulfillingaspectofourrurallifethatIappreciateisthe

intergenerationalrelationshipsthatform.WhenIlivedincities,IfoundthatIalwaysgravitatedtowardpeoplewho

werealmostexactlymyage.Outsideofworkcolleagues,Idon’tthinkIhadasinglefriendwhodidn’tfallwithinafewyearsofmybirthdate.HereinVermont,however?Ihavefriendsranginginagefromninetoninety.IneverrealizedhowmuchIwasmissingoutoninmysociallifebyhavingsuchanarrowagebracketoffriends.Irecentlywenttoadoublebirthdaypartyfortwoofmyfriendsfromchurchwhowereturningthirtyandseventy,anditwasn’tuntilweweresinginghappybirthdayandwatchingtheirheadsbowovertheircandles—onegraywithwisdom,oneredwithyouth—thatIunderstoodthepowerofcross-generationalfriendships.Forstarters,thesepeopleknowalotofstuff!NateandIjokethatheshouldestablishaweeklymeetingwithoursixty-year-oldneighboracrossthestreetbecauseNateendsupcallinghimeveryfew

year-oldneighboracrossthestreetbecauseNateendsupcallinghimeveryfewdaysseekinghisadviceonsomeaspectofplantingourvegetablegarden,orwhattodowithashesfromourwoodstove,orwheretobuychainsawparts.Learningfromourolderneighborsandenjoyingtherichnessoftheirexperiencesisoneofmyfavoriteaspectsofmynewlife.WhatIdidn’tunderstandbeforeexperiencingthislevelofall-encompassing,

interdependentcommunityisthatourconsumerculturehastriedtodoawaywiththeessenceofcommunity.Coffeeshops,restaurants,clothingstores,computerbrands,andmorehaveallco-optedourinherenthumandesireforcommunity.Forbelonging.Foratribe.Ourmodernworldhasdismantledourpreviouslytight-knitcommunitiesoffamilymembersandneighborsboundtogetherbythenecessitiesofremote,agrarianlife.It’snowmuchmorecommontodrivetoworkaloneinourcareverymorning,workalldayinfrontofacomputerscreen,returnhomeafterdark,spendafewhourswithourimmediatefamily,thenrepeatthatpatternoverandoveragain.That’swhatNateandIdidforyears.There’snotimetomeetourneighbors,letalonehelpthemspreadmulchintheirvegetablegardeninexchangefortomatoes.We’retaughtwecanpayforeverythingweneed.Ourverylivescanbepurchased,andbyextension,wecanbuytherightstoafragmentedcommunityoflike-mindedconsumers.Ourunifyingactivityasacultureisshopping,andtheonethingweallareisconsumers.Consumptionhasbecomeourspiritualoutlet,ourmeansofbuildingrelationships,ofidentifyingourselvesbythebrandsemblazonedonourclothes,cars,shoes,laptops,andithassupplantedourinterpersonaldependencies.HereinruralVermont,however,I’vefoundagroupofpeoplewho

consciouslydisavowmainstreamculture.Therearenomallsormovietheatersinourtown.Instead,therearemonthlytown-widepotlucks;coffeehour(withhomemadecoffeeandgoodies)everySaturdaymorningatthelibrary/localshop/communitycenter;contradancesontheweekends;neighborscomingovertohelpwiththemaplesyrupingortheappleharvesting;townfestivalsandcelebrations;afreesummercampforkids;theknowledgethatyoucanstopbyaneighbors’houseunannounced;thesecuritythatyourkidsarewatchedoverbyawidenetofpeopleandthatiftheymisbehaveyou’llhearaboutit;andasensethatwedo,infact,needoneanother.Noteveryoneisbestfriendsouthere,butmostpeoplewouldhelpyououtofaditchinmudseasonwithoutexpectinganythinginreturn.ThecultureharkensbacktoaRockwellianAmericanaI’dassumedwasdead;butit’snot,it’sjustslightlyalteredsincemanyofusoutheremakeourlivingatleastinpartviatheInternet.Ourfirstweekonthehomestead,IfeltlikeIwasstillrunningthemarathonof

ourpreviousfourmonths.Sincemyin-lawsgenerouslycametohelpusmove

andwerewatchingStella,NateandIblitzedthroughunpackingandhadthewholehousesetupintwodays.WestashedeverythingunnecessaryinthebasementbecauseI’ddecidedthatinthishouse—inthisnewpracticeofsimpleliving—Iwantedtounpackonlythethingsweusedonadailybasis.Ididn’twantthrowpillowsonourbedanymorebecausealltheydidwaswastemytimeandclutterupourspace.Istartedtoapplytheprinciplesofminimalismthatguidedmyspendingtothephysicalobjectsinmyhome.Assoonasthelastboxwasunpacked,NateandIran(Iactuallyrememberusjogging)outsidetotackletheweedsinourbedofasparagus,plantedbyapreviousownerandgrowingdespitethejungletryingtochokethetendergreenstalks.Wecarriedonlikethisforseveralweeks,corybanticallyjumpingfromoneprojecttothenext:repairingculverts,diggingtrenches,choppingfirewood,weedinggardenbeds.Exhaustedandoverwhelmedbythescopeofoutdoorworkthatallseemedtoneedourattentionrightaway,NateandIrealizedwehadtostop.We’dbeenonthistreadmillofdoinginordertogethereandweneededtorelishit.Atacertainpoint,youhavetostopstrivingandstartliving.Youhavetoarrive.OnewarmJuneeveningafterweputStellatobed,IgotoutourScrabble

board,pouredtwoglassesofwine,andwentoutonthebackporchwithNate.Asweplayedandchattedinsteadofworkingontheland,whichwe’ddoneeveryothernight,westartedtosinkintogratitude.Intoarecognitionofhowincrediblyfortunateweweretoachievethisunusualdreamatsuchayoungageandtohavetherestofourlivestoenjoyit.Weweren’tgoingtogetitalldonethatfirstyear:thevegetablegardenswe’ddreamedof,thefirewoodweneededtochop,thechickenswehopedtoraise,thehikingtrailswewantedtobuildthroughourwoods,theappleciderwewantedtomake,thebridgeovertheoutlettoourpondthatneededrepairing(stilldoes,cometothinkofit...).Itwasn’tallgoingtohappen.AndthatwasOK.Livingonsixty-sixacresmeanssigninguptoneverbebored,toneverhaveadearthofprojects,toneverneedtopayforentertainment,allofwhichwewanted.Wehadtoeaseintotherealizationthatthislifeandthishomesteadwasoneofopportunityandoneofbalance,notasprintofgettingthingsdone.Aswetalkedthisover,ourmind-setshiftedandwestartedtolivewithabundantgratitudeinsteadofdesperationoverwhatwasstillundone.Westartedaroutineoftakingahiketogetherasafamilyeveryday,apracticewecontinuedyear-round,eveninthedepthsofwinterwithsnowshoesonourbootsandStellapulledbehindusinasled.Beinginourwoodstransformsmeeverysingletime;afterall,it’swhywecamehereinthefirstplace.Withoutfail,Ibreathemoreeasilyandamrefreshedaftertimespentinnature.Joyisnota“done”to-dolist;rather,it’stheabilitytoappreciateandsavorthesimplicityofeachday’sroutine.Tonotfeelthatyouneedavacation

fromyourlife.Toknowthatyou’relivingasclosetoyouridealaspossible,everysingleday.Aftercomingtotherealizationthatwewerenolongerbeholdentothehectic

modernmind-setoftickingdownlists,NateandIcreatedanewrhythmoflife.I’vecometothinkofitasourownpersonalthirdway.Forstarters,weneversetanalarmclock.We’realsonotanyonethingallthetime—homesteaders,peoplewhoworkontheInternet,parents—butwe’reanamalgamationofthesefacetsofourlives.Wewanteddiversityinourdays,andnowwehaveit.Thereisnohandbookforwhatwedo,thislifethatencompassessomanydifferentniches,sowegettoexperiment,fail,succeed,andexperimentagain.WhatI’velearnedisthattherearemanyotheroptionsforhowalifecan

operatebeyondthenarrow,pigeonholedrutsourculturetriestoforceeachofusinto.YourgoalislikelynottomovetoahomesteadinthewoodsofVermont(although,hey,maybeitis!),butwhatI’vefoundisthatmostpeoplewantmoreoutoflifethansimplysloggingthroughitasamindlessconsumer.Whateveryourgoalhappenstobe,managingyourmoneywiselyandtakingchargeofhowyouspenditisoneofthefirststepsinallowingsomethingnewanddifferentandwonderfultoflourishinyourlife.NateandIusedourmoneyinunconventionalwaysforyears;now,weapplied

thosesamelessonstohowweusedourtime.Justasourconsumercultureoffersafullrangeofwaystospendourmoney,italsoprescribeshowweshoulduseourtime.We’resupposedtogotocollege,getjobs,getmarried,buyahouse,havekids,andenrollintheideathatwe’llhavetodothisforthenextfortyyearsormore.Thatwe’llhavetoworktoearnmoneytosupportalifestylewe’reexpectedtohave,becausethat’swhateveryoneelsedoes.Butit’snottheonlyway.Itissoeasytoaccidentallyletotherpeopledictateyourlife;ithappenstomostofuswithoutourevenrealizingit.Wegetslottedintopredeterminedrolesbasedonsocietalexpectations,somethingIdidforyears,withoutconsideringhowwe’dspendourtimeandmoneyifwehadthefreedomtochoose.NateandIalsochartathird,nontraditionalpathinthewaythatwebalance

workandfamily:webothworkandwebothstayhomewithourdaughtereverydayandhavenopaidchildcareproviders.We’veblurredthelinesbetweenthestandarddichotomyofstay-at-homeparentversusworkingparent.Weareboth.ThisunusualarrangementisnowfeasibleforsomefamiliesgiventheInternet,theabilitytoworkremotely,andtheunconventionalityinherenttoentrepreneurshipandmodernmarriages/partnerships.Butitrequiresruthlessprioritizationofhowyouuseyourtimeandyour

money:bothmustgoonlyinserviceofwhatmattersmosttoyou.Whenourdaughtergoesdownforanap,nomatterwhatelseishappeningthatday,Isitdownandwrite.Icanbefoundwritingwithbabyspitonmyclothesandinmy

downandwrite.Icanbefoundwritingwithbabyspitonmyclothesandinmyhair,withthewashingmachinesingingitsend-of-cyclesong,andwithdirtydishesstackedsohighthefaucetwon’tturnon.Butthatismyruthlessprioritization,andthatiswhatallowsmetobehomewithmydaughterandmyhusbandwhilepursuingacareerI’mpassionateabout.Now,onapracticallevel,letmebeclear:it’snotpossibleforbothparentstoworkfulltimeeveryday,butabalancedoesexist.It’sunconventional,butthenwhatinmylifeisn’t?NateandIchoosetoworkfortheintellectualfulfillment,notbecauseweneed

theincome,andI’mkeenlyawareoftheprivilegeinherenttooursituation.I’malsoconsciousthatourfrugalityiselective,asopposedtomandatory,andthatNateandIarefortunatebeyondbelieftobeinthisposition.Ourconvictionthatwe’reprivilegedisoneofthemotivatorsbehindourdecisiontocreateadonoradvisedfundthroughwhichwecontributeannuallytocharities.Wefeelanimperativetogivebackfinanciallyaswellasthroughvolunteerworkinourcommunity.Whilethereareelementsofourlifestylethatarepurelychoicesofpersonalresponsibility,theoverarchingtrajectorywefindourselvesonisheavilyweightedbyourupbringings,oureducations,andourresultingearningpower.Althoughwenevermadeinvestmentbankersalaries,andinfactbothworkedfornonprofit/mission-basedorganizations,wemadegoodmoney.Andthemoreyouearn,themoreyoucansaveandthequickeryoucanreachfinancialindependence.That’snottosaythatitcan’tbedoneonlowersalariesorwithfewerbuilt-inprivileges,merelythattheroadwaseasierforNateandme.Despitethis,Idon’twantyoutofeeldiscouragedifyourcircumstancesaredifferentfrommine,becausetherearegainstobehadanywherealongthespectrumoffrugality.Forsomefolks,payingdowndebtwillprovidethatpeaceofmind;forothers,it’shavingalifetimeofsavingsinvestedinthemarket;forothers,it’stheabilitytopaycashfortheirchildren’shighereducation.Inwhateverwayyoudefinefinancialsecurityandpeace,frugalityisatoolthatwillgetyoutherefaster.Inadditiontoourbalancebetweenparentingandworking,NateandIboth

craveabalancebetweenworkthat’scerebral,donebetweenourfingertipsandakeyboard,andworkthat’sphysical,doneacrosswideswathsofourproperty.Achievingthatsynergybetweenphysicalandmentalisperhapsmyfavoriteaspectoflifeonourhomestead.Iwriteonmylaptop,lookingoutthewindowatourappleorchard,untiltherearenomorewords.Then,dependingontheseason,Igooutsideandpullweedsfromourvegetablegardenorpickblackberriesfromthetsunamiofbushesthatgrowswildanduncheckedontheperimeterofourwoods.OrItakeStellaonasnowshoehikethroughfoldedlayersofwhipped-creamsnow.Nate,forhispart,bangsawayatonesandzeros(this,apparently,beingwhatsoftwareengineersdo)untilheneedstomove.AndthenIseehim

beingwhatsoftwareengineersdo)untilheneedstomove.AndthenIseehimfromthewindow,pruningourappletreesorinthewoodswithhischainsawbringingdownatreeforfirewood,splittingitbyhandwithamaul,andstackingitinrowstodryforthewinter.Inthecity,ourlivesweredivorcedfromthenaturalworld.Itdidn’tmatterifitwassnowing,or95degrees,orifblackberrieswereripesomewhere;wewereinofficesalldaylongnomatterwhat.Now,webaseourdaysaroundseasonality.Eachmonth,eachday,even,

blastsuswiththeminutiaeofseasonalimperatives.Thefirstfewweeksoflivinghere,weharvestedrhubarbconstantlyasitwas

intheheightofitsgrowingseasonandIcouldnotfathomwhatwe’ddowithsomuchrhubarb.Butthen,justasquickly,theplantsturnedinwardandbecamedormant(beinganeophytegardener,Ithoughttheyweredead).Theirtimewasdone.Myfirstlessonintheimpermanenceofaseason.Havinganintimaterelationshipwiththenaturalworldisaliberationfromthetechnology,thepressures,theconformity,andtheconsumer-drivenlifestyleofourmodernage.Outhere,it’snotaboutus,it’sabouttheseasons,theweather,thewoods.We’renotincontrolandIloveit.Thisnewiterationoflifeisstillevolvingfor

usandwillbeforsometime,Iimagine.Ourfamilyisyoung,ourhomesteadingknowledgeisnascent,andweseea

languidunfurlingofmaturationawaitingusineverysense.Theunknownsofthisfuturethrillme.

16SmoothingOuttheHappinessCurve

Theideaistocutthesaplingsasclosetothegroundaspossible.Samegoesforthebrushyweedsandtwiggystems.Iwaswieldingtheclippers,Natehadthehandsaw,andStellawasasleepinahand-me-downErgoattachedtomychest.Wewerechoppingourwaythroughthetrailnexttoourhouse;infact,theverysametrailwehikedupwhendecidingtobuyourproperty.Natelatertookthechainsawandremovedthelogsbisectingthepath,makingthisourfirstofficialclearedhikingtrail.Itextendsinaloopcircumnavigatingourlandatitsperimeter,startingandendingatourhouse.Inthesummermonths,weputStellainthecarrierandtakeourclippersoneachhike,beatingbacktheincessantundergrowthschemingtoovertakeourfootpath.Forwinterhiking,wegotagamesled,traditionallyusedbyhunterstocart

deerandothergamefromthewoods,lineditwithblankets,andnestledStellainside.Sledsspeciallydesignedtotowkidsarefourtimesthepriceandnotasdurableforhandlingroughterrain.NateandIstraponsnowshoesandStellasnoozeswhilewepullherthroughoursnow-coveredwoods.Wecanhikeanydayoftheyear,rightoutsideourfrontdoor,andmostdays,

wedo.There’snolongerabarriertoentryandwedon’thavetodriveforhoursorplanaheadortakethedayoffwork.Thewoodsaresimplythereforus.It’struethatNateandIdon’tbuyChristmas,birthday,oranniversarygiftsfor

eachother.Butit’sequallytruethatwedon’tneedto.We’vesmoothedoutthehappinesscurveofourlives.Ratherthanlivingforvacationsorweekends,

happinesscurveofourlives.Ratherthanlivingforvacationsorweekends,we’vecreatedalifethatdeliversongoinghappinessonadailybasis.Beforeembracingextremefrugality,ourlivesresembledaspikygraphwithpeaksdenotingmilestones—ourwedding,dinnersoutonSaturdaynights,weekendgetaways—followed,inevitably,bythelowestvalleys.Thoseever-presentvalleysrepresentedourdailyroutine,theMonday-through-Fridaysludgeofcubiclesandofficepolitics.We’doffsetthosevalleysbyspendingmoney.Bytreatingourselves.Andwhilesure,thereweretheeuphorichighsofbuyinganewdressorhavingasumptuousmealout,wespentmostofourtimeatourbaseline,downinthevalleys.Throughfrugality,NateandIelevatedourbaselinetoapermanentstateof

contentment.We’renotdeliriouslygleefuleveryday,butourgraphtrendsupwardandismostlysmooth.Westillhaveoccasionalspikes—avacation,say—butonthewhole,whatwe’vedoneiscreateadailyroutinethatembodiesthethingswelove.NateandIusedtoworkfortheweekend,forourtwodaysofescapism.Now,we’reorchestratingalifewhereeverydayisanhonestdeliveranceofourpassions.Ratherthanworkjobswedon’tenjoyinordertoaffordhitsofconsumerismtosoothethediscontentwefeeloverworkingthosejobs,westeppedoutofthatloopentirely.Ourcultureespousesa“treatyourself”mentalitythatgoadsustosurrenderto

alltheshort-termgoodieswecanpossiblyconceiveof:lattes,Netflix,anewcar.Wedeserveit,right?ButIthinkthe“treatyourself”culturemasksadeep-seatedfearthatwe’llneverrealizeourlong-termdreams,sowe’dbetterliveitupinthepresent.Thisbecomesaself-fulfillingprophecy.Themorewebuynow,thelessmoneywehavetomakeactionableprogresstowardourdreamslater.Theinstantlygratifyingthrillsthatourconsumerculturepeddles—everythingfromsnackdeliveryservicestobiting-fishpedicures—arenothingmorethanroad-bumpopiates:short-termpleasuresthatonlyservetoderailouractualgoals.Andwedon’tapplythismentalityjusttotinypurchases.Ifwethinkwe’llneversaveupenoughforadownpaymentonahouse,wemightbemoreliabletorentaritzyapartmentandfritterawayourwould-bedownpaymentsavings.I’mastoundedathowmanywaystherearetowastemoney,andathowmanyofthemI’vepersonallyfallenvictimto.Marketersdiligentlycreateneedsweneverknewwehadandmanyproductsadvertisedtousfillfalseneeds.Thistypeofspendingskirtsthequestionofwhatwereallywantoutoflife.It’stheclassicconundrumofforgoingdelayedgratificationplayedoutday

afterday,purchaseafterpurchase.Themorewebuy,andbuyintothiscultureofmore,themorewethinkweneed.It’savicious,endlesscycle.WhileI’mprettysurethephrase“extremefrugality”soundslikeapenance,

it’sactuallytheexactopposite.It’sadeliverance.

it’sactuallytheexactopposite.It’sadeliverance.NateandIconsiderourlivestobeluxurious:welivewherewewant,aswe

want,onourownterms,andwe’renotbeholdentoanyoneelse.Ifthat’snotluxury,Idon’tknowwhatis.Sure,wedon’thavenewcars,butthekeyisthatwedon’twantnewcarsorneednewcars.Weviewmoneyasatooltobespentonthingsweneedandthatwevaluehighly.Moneydoesn’tbringushappiness,butithasgrantedusthefinancialfreedomtoconstructalifewelove.It’salsotruethatNateandIaresatisfiedwithless.We’vediscoveredthatthe

rarityofsomething’soccurrenceservestoenhanceitsenjoyment.Justlikeeatingtoexcessordrinkingtoexcess,spendingtoexcessdeliversnolastingfulfillment.Judiciouslymetingouttheresourceofmoney,ontheotherhand,allowsusto

relishthethingswedobuy.WhenNateandIgoouttodinner,aninfrequentevent,wesavoreachbite.Wethoroughlyenjoyourselvesandweappreciatetheuniquenessoftheexperience.Frugalityturnedusintopeoplewhofeelprofoundgratitudeforeverythingwehave,asopposedtothepeopleweusedtobe,constantlyscrapingandgraspingformore.We’vealsosimplifiednearlyeveryaspectofourlives.Insteadoflookingfor

expensivesolutions,NateandIaskourselveswhatcanwestopdoing,stopneeding,andstopbuying.I’vestoppedpaintingmynails,stoppedwearingmakeup,stoppedfixingmyhair,andjustgenerallystoppeddoingstuffthatateupmytimewithoutdeliveringacommensuratelyvaluablereturnonmyinvestment.Wetrytoidentifytherootoftheissueandtheproblemwe’retryingtosolve,

asopposedtowhataconsumermind-setwouldtellustobuy.Weliveinaculturewherepeopleareluredintobuyingthingstheydon’tneedtofillhousesthataretoolargeandthenfeelcompelledtomovetoever-largerhousesandworkever-longerhoursinordertosupportalifethatthey’rebarelyliving.Alifethattheyperhapsdidnotconsciouslychoose,andthattheyperhapsdonotevenextractpleasurefrom.“ButIdon’twanttoliveinthewoodsandIlikemyjob.”Ihearthisfrom

readersallthetime,towhichIrespond:it’snotaboutwantingtomovetothewoodsorquityourjob.It’saboutliberatingyourselffromrelianceonthesalarythatyourjobprovides.NateandIbothchoosetocontinueworkingtothisdaybecausewederivesatisfactionfromourwork.Thesalientpointisthatwehavetheoptiontoquitatanytime.Towalkawayandpursueadifferentavenueinlife.Ifwewereinsteadwhollydependentonthemoneywe’repaidforthiswork,ouroptionswouldbemuchmorelimitedornonexistent.Inadditiontothefreedomthisprovides,it’salsoahedgeagainstcalamityandawayofself-insuring.Ifsomethingterribleweretobefallus—fromacatastrophicillnesstoa

insuring.Ifsomethingterribleweretobefallus—fromacatastrophicillnesstoacarthatwon’tstart—moneywouldnotbeanissue.Thereareamultitudeofthingsinthislifethatwecannotpredict,orprevent,orplanfor,butfinancialstabilityissomethingthatislargelywithinourcontrol.IprefertoshoreupmyresourceswhileIcanindefenseofthefutureunknowns.Thisdoesn’tmakemeafatalist,butapragmaticrealist.Lifeiseasiertocopewithwhenyouhaveenoughmoney.Controlwhatyoucanandtherestoflifebecomesmuchlesscomplicatedtonavigate.Youverywellmightworkyourjobforthenextfortyyearsandloveitevery

day,andIknowplentyofpeoplewhohave.However,noonehaseverregrettedhavingmoremoneyinretirementthantheyplannedfor:youcanendowyourgrandchildren’shighereducation,youcanstartaprivatefoundationanddonatetocharity,andyoucantraveltheworldyear-round.It’salsotruethatweliveinmercurialtimeswherejobsandpensionsarenotthebulwarksofsecuritytheyoncewere.Whilenoneofusthinkswe’lleverbelaidoff,it’snolongeracertaintyinmostprofessions.Savingmoneynowensuresyou’llbeabletotakeadvantageoftheopportunities,andmanagethehurdles,thatlifewillinevitablythrowinyourpath.AsNateandIdiscoveredwhenweunexpectedlyfoundourhomesteadaheadofschedule,there’snothingmoreliberatingthanwantingtopursueanunusualdreamandhavingthefinancialabilitytodoso.Afternearlyfouryearsofdedicatedextremefrugality,I’vecometorealize

therearestagesoffrugaladherence.I’venowarrivedatwhatIimaginetobethefinalstage:profoundcontentment.I’vefreedmyselffromstressingoutaboutmyappearance,aboutmyfurniture,aboutmysuccess.I’veletgoofthenaggingexternalpromptstobuymoreandto,intheprocess,changewhoIam.IquitelikewhoIam,andnothingIbuywouldeverchangethat.ItwasonlyafterIstoppedbuyingthatIactuallyappreciatedmyownuniquecharacter,meonmyown,divorcedfromthetrappingsofconsumerism.Myfrugalityevolvesandchangeswitheachnewiterationofmylife—parenthood,homesteading,age—butit’stheconstant,thethreadthatrunsthrougheverythingIdo.Itguidesmydecision-makingbyencouragingmetosimplify,tobegrateful,toneverdenytheabundancethatsurroundsme,andtorecognizethatthereisverylittleIneedinordertoliveameaningful,fulfilledexistence.Frugalityhasbecomeaboutfarmorethansavingmoney,althoughthat’s

certainlyanicefringebenefit.Alongsidemyspiritualityandmyyogapractice,frugalityishowIfindpeaceinanuncertainworldandhowIensureI’mlivingalifeI’llbeproudof.I’mquitecertainthatnooneontheirdeathbedhaswishedtheyworkedlongerhoursorownedanewercarorboughtmoreclothing.Iliketoimaginemyselfasanoldwomanreflectingbackonalifewellspent.Then,ImakesureI’mcreatingthatlifeandpopulatingthosefuturememories.Frugality

makesureI’mcreatingthatlifeandpopulatingthosefuturememories.Frugalityremovedthemyopiaofmyperfectionism,ofmyfearsoverwhatotherpeoplethoughtofme,andmydrivetomeetconventionalmetricsofsuccess.Thankstofrugality,Ihaveperspective.IfNateandIwonthelotterytomorrow,welikelywouldn’tchangemuch

abouthowwelive.We’dhavemoremoneytogiveawaytocharityandwemightredoourkitchencountertops(theyareaweirdgreenplasticatpresent...),butonthewhole,wearecontentwithourlives.IknowthatIwillneverbetherichest,orthesmartest,orthemostbeautiful,orthekindest,orthefunniestpersonwhohaseverlived,andIamnowatpeacewiththat.IamatpeacewithlivingasIseefitandasIseebestandasIwant.Iamhappynottospendmymoneytryingtoachieveanephemeralstateofperfection,becauseit’llneverhappenanyway.Andthat’snotdepressingtome;that’ssheerliberation.Frugalitymutesthenoiseofunnecessarydesireandconsumptionandinsteadfocusesusonourrealpriorities.FrugalityopenedmyminduptowhatIcandowithmylife,asopposedtowhatIcanbuy.

Acknowledgments

I’mindebtedtomyparents,TimandCarmenWillard;myin-laws,RickandDebbieThames;mysiblings;andalltherestofmyfamilyfortheircontinuousencouragementandlove.Iwonthebirthlotteryandalsothein-lawlottery,whichseemsalmosttooluckyforoneperson.Myparentsinstilledaloveofreadingandwritingataveryyoungage,forwhichI’menormouslygrateful.ManythankstomywonderfuleditoratHarperCollins,StephanieHitchcock,

whoencouragedandcoaxedthisbookintoexistencethroughhermasterfulguidanceandvision.Hugethankstomyagent,SarahSmith,whoadeptlyshepherdedmethroughthisentire(lengthy)process.Itwasanhonorandadelighttoworkwithateamofsuchtalented,dedicated,andintelligentwomen.Ihavetremendousgratitudeforallmyfriendswhoencouragedmetowrite

thisbookinthefirstplaceandhelpedmeoutalongtheway.ThanksespeciallytoLizNewmanforherexpertadvice,toMakennaGoodmanforforcingmetoemailHarperCollinsbackaftertheyaskedifIwantedtowriteabook,toErinLowryforheramazinglyhelpfulsharingofinformation,toChrisGoodwinforalwayskeepingmegrounded,andtoRobinJunker-Boyceforherongoingspiritualcounselandmotivationto“justkeepwriting.”I’monlyawriterbecausemany,manypeopletaughtmehowtowrite.Thank

youtoallofmyteachersandcollegewritingprofessors,mostespeciallyRebeccaCurtis,AdamDesnoyers,andofcourse,theincredible,thelegendaryMaryKlayder.Thankstomybosseswhopushedmeeverydayforbetterwriting,includingSaraGarlick,WinLenihan,andmostofallEllenFrank,whowouldn’tletasingleerrorslidepastandwho,intheprocessofourmany(many)editingsessionstogether,becameaverydearfriend.MassivethankstomyneighborandfriendJeanMacDonald(andhersidekick

Alice),forherexpertgrandmotherlybabysittingofStellawhileIwroteand

Alice),forherexpertgrandmotherlybabysittingofStellawhileIwroteandwroteandwrote.Thisbook(andawholelotelse)wouldn’thavehappenedwithoutherpresenceinourlives.I’mnotsurewhatwe’ddowithoutMissJean.ThankyoutothededicatedanddevotedreadersofFrugalwoods.comwho

challengemewiththeirquestions,inspiremewiththeirstoriesofovercomingfinancialchallenges,andencouragemetokeepdoingwhatIlove:espousingtheliberationandjoythatstemfromcreatingalifeoffinancialstability.Ialsowanttoexpressmyendlessappreciationfortheonlinepersonalfinancecommunity,whichisasourceofconstantinspiration,education,collaboration,andtruefriendship.Deepestthankstomyveryyoungdaughter,Estelle,whomasteredtheartof

independentplayatmyfeetwhileIwrotethisbook.Finally,profoundthankstomyhusband,Nate,whokindlyproddedmeintothiswholewritingadventureinthefirstplace.ThankyouforstartingFrugalwoods.comwithme,forbeingmyfirstandlastreader,formotivatingandencouragingme,andforalwaysbelievingthatI’mcapableofmuchmorethanIrealize.Thankyoualsoforalwayscookingfoodformeandlovingmewithabundance.

AbouttheAuthor

ELIZABETHWILLARDTHAMESisthefounderoftheaward-winningFrugalwoods.com.Atthirty-twosheabandonedasuccessfulcareerinthecityandembracedextremefrugalitytocreateamoremeaningful,purpose-drivenlifeandretiretoasixty-six-acrehomesteadinthewoodsofVermontwithherhusbandandyoungdaughter.StartedinApril2014,Frugalwoodsisarespectedvoiceinthepersonalfinance,earlyretirement,andlifestylebloggingsectorandempowersreaderstotakechargeoftheirfinancesandcreatefulfillinglives.ThamesholdsBAsinpoliticalscienceandcreativewritingfromtheUniversityofKansasandanMAinpublicadministrationfromAmericanUniversity.Priortofollowinghercallingasawriterandhomesteader,sheworkedfortenyearsinthenonprofitsectorasafund-raiserandcommunicationsmanager.

Discovergreatauthors,exclusiveoffers,andmoreathc.com.

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Copyright

ThisisnotdesignedtobeadefinitiveguidetofinancenoramIaprofessionalfinancialplanner.Giventheriskinvolvedininvestingofalmostanykindthereisnoguaranteethatanyinvestmentmethodinthisbookwillbeprofitable.NeitherInormypublishercanassumetheliabilitythatcomeswiththeriskinapplyingthemethodsdescribedinthisbook,andanysuchliabilityisherebyexpresslydisclaimed.

MEETTHEFRUGALWOODS.Copyright©2018byElizabethWillardThames.AllrightsreservedunderInternationalandPan-AmericanCopyrightConventions.Bypaymentoftherequiredfees,youhavebeengrantedthenonexclusive,nontransferablerighttoaccessandreadthetextofthise-bookon-screen.Nopartofthistextmaybereproduced,transmitted,downloaded,decompiled,reverse-engineered,orstoredinorintroducedintoanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,inanyformorbyanymeans,whetherelectronicormechanical,nowknownorhereafterinvented,withouttheexpresswrittenpermissionofHarperCollinse-books.

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