Mediation to Stay Married

A Commonsense Application ofConflict Resolution

Laurie Israel Attorney/Mediator Brookline, MA © 2008

How I Got Started

• Divorce lawyer experiences• Fixable problems• Reverse engineer the divorce• Where to go if marriage counseling

“doesn’t work”• Why can’t a mediator help?

What is Mediation to Stay Married?

• Mediation to Stay Married or Marital Mediation?

• What is in the word?• Do people know the

terms?• If people don’t know

about it, then how can they find it?

Why People Want to KeepTheir Marriages

• Their problems travel with them into their subsequent marriages

• Why should love turn into hate?• Life-long marriages are very special• Serial marriages are destabilizing

The “Bee in the Bonnet” Syndrome

• People unhappy in their marriages don’t know where to turn

• Often marital counseling is unsuccessful

• They become obsessed with thoughts of divorce

• The thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy

What is Marriage?What is Marriage?

• A set of personal and family relationships• A story, a history• Financial sharing• Disagreements• Conflict• Moral support• Sharing

How Mediation Can Help a Marriage

• Mediation is conflict resolution• Gives a couple a skill set to use• Models good behavior for

couple• Neutral third-party, honest

reaction to couple’s interchanges

The Difference Between Mediation to Stay Married and Marital Counseling

• The first question you will be asked• What is the difference?• Short-term, concrete• Develop practical solutions• Helps couple move forward in their

marriage • They can solve deeper problems later• Couple may find that deeper problems

actually disappear

Useful Mediation Techniques in Mediation to Stay Married

• Active Listening• Mirroring• Reframing• Brainstorming• Interests v. Positions• Powerful Non-defensive Communication• Testing and Understanding Assumptions

Gender & Same-Sex Issues• What if the spouses have

“classic” roles?• What if the roles are switched?• Stress of two-worker family• Difference between legally-

married and cohabitating• Different cultural expectations

& values in same-sex relationships

“Contribution” to Marriage

• What is contribution?• Why is contribution

important?• Differing perceptions

of contribution• Probably the biggest

problem in marriage

What Issues can be Dealt With

• Communication• Bickering• Understanding each

other’s views• Financial behavior• Perception of other

party’s contributions

Should Marital Mediation Result in a Written Agreement

• Are post-nuptial agreements enforceable• Difference between pre-nuptial and post-

nuptial agreements• Written Memorandum of Understanding• Unwritten agreement• Should reviewing attorneys be involved?

Other Resources Available

• Workshops• Books on marriage• Internet materials on marriage• CDs & DVDs on marriage• Joint consultation with divorce

or estate planning lawyer

How to Develop a Mediation to Stay Married Practice

• Include it in your advertising brochure• Include it on your website• Write articles and post them on your

website• Link to other people’s articles on MTSM• Talk to people about it• If you build it, they will come