matrimonial minefields -part 2--track one--smmr (2)

Matrimonial Minefields

Matrimonial Minefields May Appear In Serene Settings

Satan Wants To Destroy Your Marriage!


Constant Conflict and Criticisms

Different Types Of Filters

Let’s look at five types of filters that can affect couples as they struggle for clear communication: 1.Distractions (noise, cell phones ringing, TV)2.Emotional states (Bad day at work)3.Beliefs and expectations (We see what we expect to

see)4.Differences in style 5.Self-protection

Markman, Howard J.; Scott M. Stanley; Susan L. Blumberg (2010-03-18). Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce (p. 91). John Wiley and Sons. Kindle Edition.

The best defense against allowing filters to damage your relationship is to acknowledge the filter when you are aware

that it’s there. TOM: This bill for the phone company got missed again. We better get this paid. MARTA: (snapping with anger) I’m not the one who forgot it. Can’t you see I have my hands full? Do something helpful. TOM: I’m sorry. Should’ve seen you were busy. Rough day? MARTA: Yes. I had a very frustrating day. I don’t mean to snap at you, but I’ve had it up to here. If I’m touchy, it’s not really anything you’ve done. TOM: Maybe we can talk about it some after dinner. MARTA: Thanks.


Without using the word “filter,” Tom and Marta acknowledged one was there. Marta had a bad day and was on edge.

They could have let this conversation escalate into an argument, but Tom had the good sense to see that he had raised an issue at the wrong time. He decided not to get defensive and chose to become gentle with Marta in her frustration.

Marta responded by telling Tom, in essence, that she had a filter going—her bad mood. Knowing this helped him be less defensive in reaction to her mood.


Beliefs And Expectations

This next example shows how difficult it can be to get around filters involving beliefs and expectations. Alex and Helen are a couple who came to one of our couples retreats. They were having problems deciding what to do for fun when they had free time. But they rarely got their act together to get out and do something, so both were feeling emotionally disconnected and frustrated. This conversation was typical for them. Note how each acted as if they could read the mind of the other:

Markman, Howard J.; Scott M. Stanley; Susan L. Blumberg (2010-03-18). Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce (pp. 96-97). John Wiley and Sons. Kindle Edition.

ALEX: (really wanting to go bowling, but thinking that Helen was not interested in going out and doing anything fun together) We have some free time tonight. I wonder if we should try to do something. HELEN: (thinking that she would like to get out but hearing the tentativeness in his voice and thinking he really doesn’t want to go out) Oh, I don’t know. What do you think? ALEX: Well, we could go bowling, but it could be league night, and we might not get in anyway. Maybe we should just stay in and watch TV. HELEN: (thinking, “Aha, that’s what he really wants to do.”) That sounds good to me. Why don’t we see what’s on cable tonight? Maybe there will be something good. ALEX: (He’s disappointed, thinking, “I knew it. She really doesn’t want to make the effort to get out and do something fun.”) Yeah, OK.


In this conversation, there was no escalation, invalidation, or withdrawal. Nevertheless, the couple did not communicate well due to the filters involved.

Alex’s belief that Helen doesn’t like to go out colored the entire conversation so much that the way he asked her to go out led her to think that he wanted to stay in.

He “assumed” that she really didn’t want to go. That’s called mind reading.


Different Styles

Sue and Tod came from very different families. His family has always been very expressive of all manner of emotion. They tend to show great intensity when emotional. It’s just their way.

Sue’s family has always been more reserved. As a result, a slight raising of the voice could mean great anger in her family, whereas it would hardly be noticed in Tod’s.

In many conversations, therefore, Sue would overestimate the intensity of Tod’s feelings, and Tod would underestimate Sue’s feelings.

TOD: What did it cost to get the muffler fixed? SUE: Four hundred and twenty-eight bucks. TOD: (intense, getting red quickly) What? How could they possibly charge that much! That’s outrageous. SUE: (lashing out) I wish you could stop yelling at me! I’ve told you over and over that I cannot listen to you when you are yelling!TOD: I am not yelling at you. I just can’t believe it could cost that much. SUE: Why can’t we have a quiet conversation like other people? My sister and brother-in-law never yell.TOD: They don’t talk about anything, either. Look, four hundred and twenty-eight dollars is too much to pay, that’s all I’m reacting to.

SUE: Why don’t you take the car in next time? I’m tired of being yelled at for things like this. TOD: Honey, look. I’m not upset at you. I’m upset at them. And you know I can get pretty hot, but I’m not trying to say you did anything wrong. SUE: (calming down) Well, it seems that way sometimes. TOD: Well, I’m not upset at you. Let me give that place a call. Where’s the number?

Self-Protection

This filter is operating when our fear of rejection stops us from saying what we truly want or feel. Even a question as simple as “Wouldn’t you like to go see that new movie with me?” can reflect a fear of rejection. Instead of expressing our desire directly (“I’d like to see that new movie; want to go?”), we often hide it because directly speaking of it reveals more of who we are, and that increases the risk of rejection. This may not matter a lot when it comes to movies, but when it comes to feelings, desires, and expectations in marriage, a lot of misunderstanding can result.


Wearing Your Feelings On Your Sleeves

1 Cor. 13:4-7


Failing To Meet The Needs of Our Mate

If You Don’t, Who Will?

How many marriages have been wrecked because someone else stepped in to feed the starving needs of our mates?

Phil. 2:3ff


Perpetual Inconsideration

Phil. 2:3-5


Withholding Physical Intimacy As Punishment1 Cor. 7:2-5


Becoming A Workaholic


Technology

What Are You Willing To Sacrifice?

Ephesians 5:25—Christ sacrificed His very life!

Can you sacrifice your laptop, iPhone, iPad, Android etc. for an evening, or a weekend getaway?


The Internet


Television

A Good Thing Can Become A Bad Thing

Good Things About Internet—GBN, HTH, etc.

Bad Things:

1. Pornography (Job 31:1; Psa. 101:3; Matt. 5:28)2. Chat Rooms (Phil. 4:8)3. A Thief Of Family Time (Eph. 6:4)


Recreation


When Spenders Marry Savers

Psa. 37:21; Prov. 22:7


Raising Children

Don’t Let Children Divide You

1. In Child rearing, there must be unity!2. In Child rearing, there must not be favoritism

(Gen. 25:28; Gen. 37:3)


The Empty Nest

Don’t Let Children Divert You

1. From your duties as a husband/wife2. The empty nest will seem awfully empty if all

of your love was diverted to the children.


Lying

One “Little White Lie” Can Ruin Trust

1. If you’ll lie to me about the little things, what about the big things?

2. Can I really trust what you tell me?

John 8:44; Colossians 3:9


Insincere Apologies


Blaming Your Mate For Your Grief

Betsy and Kirk had been married twelve years when they experienced the death of their nine-year-old son. He was killed instantly by an automobile as he rode his bicycle from the driveway into the street. In my first conversation with Betsy, less than six hours after the accident, I discovered the seeds of blame. She said, "I had just told Kirk last week that he needs to spend more time with Andrew, talking with him about safety rules for riding his bicycle. If Kirk had talked with him, maybe this would not have happened."

Later, in talking with Kirk, I sensed a similar attitude. "I have never liked this place," he said. "I told Betsy two years ago that I wanted us to get a little farm. I don't like raising kids in the city. It's too dangerous. I wish I had listened to my heart." Two months later, in another conversation, I found Kirk rehearsing the same message again. "I just wish we would have moved to the farm two years ago. Betsy resisted the idea. She said it was so much more convenient in the city, but there is more to life than convenience."

The following week I met with Betsy and found that she, too, had been playing the same message in her mind for two months. "If only Kirk had talked to Andrew about safety rules, maybe Andrew would still be with us."

Betsy was blaming Kirk, and Kirk was blaming Betsy. They would not have said it directly to one another, but their attitudes revealed the truth.

I wish I could say that through counseling Kirk and Betsy changed their attitudes and found comfort and hope.

The reality is that in less than a year they were separated and shortly thereafter divorced, creating additional pain for their other two sons, ages five and seven.

Negative attitudes led to negative behavior, which ended in bitterness and divorce.

Charles and Kelly experienced a very similar tragedy, but with very different results. Andrea, their seven-year-old daughter, drowned in the backyard pool while both parents were in the house. Charles and Kelly were planning to join Andrea for a swim, but she jumped in before they arrived. "She was a good swimmer," Kelly said, "and she had never gone into the pool without our being there. That was one of our rules. I don't know what happened."

I had several sessions with Kelly and Charles over the next six months. Never once did I hear them blame each other, and never once did they blame Andrea. "She was just being a child,” Kelly said, with tears coursing down her cheeks. "No need to blame her for breaking our buddy rule. It won't bring her back." Deeply pained, Charles and Kelly talked their way through their grief, gave each other the freedom to cry, held each other tenderly, and survived the ordeal with an even stronger marriage.Gary Chapman. The Four Seasons of Marriage (Kindle Locations 864-870). Kindle Edition.


Focusing On Only The Negatives

matrimonial minefields -part 2--track one--smmr (2)

Self Improvement