masonic humor

7/27/2019 MASONIC Humor

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A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman,

seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a

man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family

through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, andasked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and

received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and

gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman

again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter,

which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of

Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.

A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet

blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I do not work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor

said. "I do not like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would

come round to see you" "Ok" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at

the toilet, take two asprins from his pocket and throws them down the bowel. "There" he says "If it's no

better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury

on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines.

The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columba." "What's the score?"asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."

On the subject of humour you have probably heard this one: whilst visiting a newly iniciated brother at

home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange

since joining. I enquired in what way? He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to


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himself with his little blue book. As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how

he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavour and was there any thing wrong

No was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....

A tired old mason whose hair was grey, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on

earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast, St Peter said as he tolled the

Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.

It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and

atleast once a month they would always hear this stomping from above. One day Izzy told his wife he

was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one

evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to

take a peek. After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all theirbelongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!" When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just

peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the

'JEW-BELOW'.

I heard this the other day: A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but

before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he

would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the

bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord

he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his

honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one,how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

The case with the silk stockings

Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron

out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: *I

say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?* John gives a quick look and whispers: *You remember the

installation meeting last year ?* Mike acknowledges and John goes on: *Keep it a secret, but on the way

home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Apparently she lost her stockings in mycar, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out

of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !*

Masonic Blooper


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WM Bro SW, the labours of the evening being ended, you have my command to close the L * SW Brn, in

the name of ... (looks confused and mumbles ) Good God what's his name again ...

There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him

and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on

FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?

Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!

It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified

himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old

Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in

puzzelment, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a

brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peterinformed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The

Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the

kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master?

"Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first

to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in

Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Patwas working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw

nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are

you in Heaven?" " Indeed I am " said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "

Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and

they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the

ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." "

My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad.

Tell me old friend, what is the matter." " Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."

" OK, Whats the good news?" " The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"

"Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?" " You're the Senior Deacon! "

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening

in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work,

the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this


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juncture the SW started and whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK", the candidate replied, "a lite

beer".

Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? A: It's a secret!

.....................................................................

Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the

minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the

way they USED to screw in lightbulbs.

.....................................................................

How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb?

After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:

2 to complain that the light doesn't work.

1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge.

3 to do a study on light in this Lodge.

2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.

3 to argue about it.

5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.

2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."

1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.

1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive

my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain.

"I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records,

and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years?

What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. Reply: "Learning to subdue my passions!"

A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The

conversation goes soemthing like this. She) Well how'd it go ? He) Very well - most interesting She)


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What did go on ? He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it. She) Well is ther anything you *can* tell

me ? He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men. She)

What do they do - if you can tell me ? He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked

to me and to the walkers as I was led around .... She) and the Holy men ? what of them ? He) They seem

to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches

around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"

I was on my way to Lodge one evening when we drove into some very thick fog. We slowed right down,

following the white lines that ran down the center of the road.

All of a sudden we felt a heavy bump.

I stopped the car and reversed back a couple of yards. There in the headlights lay a hare, spreadeagled

and flat! I was terribly upset. My companion reached over into the back seat, grabbed a plastic carrier

bag and leapt out of the car. He went up to the hare, pressed his head close and then took a can out of

the bag, shook it three times, pointed it at the hare and got back into the car.

Within seconds the hare twitched, staggered to its feet and hobbled off four otr five steps, turned its

head, looked back and raised its right paw! It carried on doing this until it reached the edge of the beam

from my headlights and disappeared. I was amazed I can tell you.

"Did you see that?" I asked my friend."What ever did you do to it?" "Its just unbelieveable - I know it

was dead by the weight of the bump!" "Maybe, but I knew I'd got just the thing", replied my friend, "I

remembered that in the carrier bag there was a can of hair restorer with a permanent wave that I

bought for the wife today. I forgot to give it to her!"

Sent by: Gerry Sargent MM. Bedford 282. UGLE.

WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BODY?

A story thet made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth" involved a Brother on a hunting trip in

the wild of Maine. Day after day of his vacation was eaten up without a deer. On the last day , as he was

about to give up in desperation , he heard a crashing in the woods: saw a glimpse of brown and fired.

Silence! Rushing over to where he fired, he found that he had killed a bull moose, which is proctected

from hunters to save it from extinction. as he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden

stepped out into the clearing. Our brother found his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position,

"What shall we do with the body?" "Dress it out, you damn fool," said the Warden, " and make your

escape"

DO-GOODERS!


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There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a carful of Shriners for speeding. When he was that

they were wearing fezes he said, "Oh! Your Shriners are you? Then I'll letyou off this time because they

do a lot of good. BUT if you were Masons I'd run you all in.

Sent by: Thurman D. Bevlin P.M. , Secretary of Turkey Creek Lodge No. 248 F. & A.M., Turkey Creek,

Florid.

While acting as I.G. I asked our candidate if he felt anything. Being a true Scotsman he replied"a wee

prick." Our J.D. realizing his mistake leaned over and whispered " I do." Later at festive board I rose to

congratulate him but also stated I had a concern about his hearing. "When I greeted you at the door of

the lodge I asked you if you felt anything... not who you were with!

Enjoy

Sent by: Tom Anstruther Avon Glen Lodge#170 Grand Lodge of Alberta Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

O.K. heres two to start the pot boiling, the first is perhaps apt with the current police scare.

A young policeman is undergoing his initiation and has just taken his obligation, he is asked"What do

you most desire?" and before the deacon can prompt him he declares that it is "To be a sergeant!"

Another first degree.

The initiate is placed before the JW for the explanaion of the tools and the delivery of the ancient

charge. The JW, trying to relax a nervous candidate told him to "Roll your trousers down", the candidate

promptly did just that!!

(Yes it did happen and since then candidates in our Temple are NOT given this instruction.).

Sent by: Drew Grant

Howdon Panns Lodge 5315 UGLE

A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting, and a festive board which had consisted on many

takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light followed the car, and he pulled over to the side of the road.

Thinking that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving licenec and insurance

documents in his ritual book.


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When the police officer asked for his driving licence he made a great play of taking it from his ritual

book, but the policeman made no reaction whatsoever. The same with his insurance documents.

He was then asked to blow into the breathalyser which proved positive. He gave the sign of distress,

which was ignored. The policeman started to write notes in his pocket book. At this point, the Brother

was needing to go to the toilet, so asked the Police Officer if he could retire to the bushes in order torestore himself to his personal comforts.

The officer replied "Certainly sir, and on your return, I shall read to you a charge....."

Sent by: Colin R Goss

PM & JW Lodge St.Helier No 4449 - Province of Jersey

Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small

country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the

local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got

into his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow

into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty

bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police

station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative. Being upset with this they then asked him what

had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there,

the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job

I was the Grand Decoy".

Sent by: Ron Atkinson Lodge Toongabbie No.921 UGL of NSW Australia.

A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he

could was having a hard time with his wife who said... " All those masters-in-office have to do is click

their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?.........I wish I was a master!"

After due thought, he said...

"So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"

Sent by : Wilf Rawlinson M.M.

Hartington Lodge No. 1021

Province of West Lancashire


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United Grand Lodge of England

The victim is being brought to the gallow. The hangman puts the noose around his neck. The victim says:

"I really can't understand this! The policeman who cought me was a Mason, the persecutor was a

Mason, the judge was a Mason and you're bloody Junior Deacon in my Lodge!" The hangman replies:

"Calm down Brother and step off with your left foot!"

Sent by : Daniel Hoehr

MM, Beethoven zur ewigen Harmonie Nr 742, GNML 3WK (within the United Grand Lodges of Germany)

In the days of the old west, probably in Dodge City, KS, a young fellow held up a bank, and in so doingshot and killed the teller. Several people in the bank and outside saw him well enough to indentify him

as he rode out of town. A possee was formed and in short order had captured him and returned him to

jail. He was duly tried and sentenced to hang for his crime. On the appointed day a scaffold had been

erected outside the jail. The fellow was lead up the steps to the scaffold, the judge read his sentence,

and asked the fellow if he had anything to say. "I sure do, Judge, if it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be

here." The judge inquired to what he referred. "Well, the sheriff who pursued me is a Mason, as were

most of the possee. The jury was mostly Masons, and you, Judge, are a Mason. If it wasn't for the

Masons I wouldn't be here." That being all he had to say, the Judge ordered the hangman to proceed.

The hangman put a HOOD over his head, a ROPE around his neck, took him by the left arm and

said,"Take one advancing step with your left foot."

Sent by : Cecil M. (Hap) Howard, SS, Fulton Lodge #210, Fulton, KS, USA

-- I found this text on a cup in a lodge in Ireland:

"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY"

Sent by : LARS HOLSTAD

St.Andrew Lodge St. Eystein Trondheim, NORWAY

Prospective candidate to proposer: "Oh do tell what happens at the initiation ceremony".

Proposer: "Sorry I can't - its a secret"

Prospective candidate: "Come on - I'll be joining in a few weeks. Surely you can tell me something"


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Proposer: "Well there are are WALKERS, TALKERS AND HOLY MEN"

Prospective candidate: "What do you mean "WALKERS"

Proposer: "Well they are the men who walk you around in the Lodge".

Prospective Candidate: "What about the TALKERS".

Proposer: "Well they are the people who talk. To you and to other people in the Lodge".

Prospective Candidate: "I see - well who are these HOLY MEN"?

Proposer: "Oh those - Well they are the ones who when they see the Walkers and the Talkers say ...

Ohhh My Goddd!!!!!

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was

executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words.

"Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I

killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the

Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who

found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons, so I hate Masons!" "Well," replied the

hangman, "I can understand why you would hate Masons, but we must get on with it, are you ready?"

"Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Step off with your left foot."

Sent by : Larry Johnson

Senior Warden, Springfield Lodge 217, Grand Lodge of Virginia

A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his

friend said i know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and promp you when

you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes i have three", he

pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a mm apron on, one with a masters apron,

and one with a grand lodge apron on. he said "how much is the one with the masters apron on", "#2000

and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings,and will always promp you when you get

stuck","No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on", "Well, that one is#1,000 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always promp you when you

learning it", "no to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on", "you can have him for

#10", "why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh yes, he knows all the

ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!

Sent by : [email protected]


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An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and

proceeded to have the time of his life--at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship

went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no

other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had noidea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life

and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he

spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous

woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from?

How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my

cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are

there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the

rowboat didn't wash up nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh,

simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were

whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern camefrom a eucalyptus tree." "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or

hardware--how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of

the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain

temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to

make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had

been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a

few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly

fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and

white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only

stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call ithome. Sit down, please would you like to have a drink?" "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't

take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a

pina colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her

couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into

something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in

the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There

in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were

fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When

he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines and smelling

faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively,

slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's

something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these

months? You know. ..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: You mean..."

he replied, "I can check my e-mail and the Freemason-List from here?


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Sent by : (NAME) Peter R. Ellis

(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Caledonia of Canberra #938, UGL of New South Wales (state), Australia

(E-MAIL) [email protected]

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud

formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realised that

they were well and truly lost.

A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his

dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the

Craft. The chaps in the balloon enquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200

feet up in a balloon."

Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet

he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is

absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"

Have a nice day (substitute any officer you wish)

Sent by : Adrian PM UGLE

One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and

his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was somedistance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and

after much persuasion this is what he did.

When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone,

and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but

wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how

the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular

questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65

brethren had turn up etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out

correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the

night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the

night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.

The next day in the post she received 64 letters.


12/168

Sent by : Gordon Moffat PM 6851 West Lancs.

Sent by :

(NAME) Edward Baral

(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Harold Herman Unity, NSW Australia


A recently raised Master Mason applied for a job and knowing his prospective boss to be a prominent

Mason he made sure to wear his square and compass cuff links. When he arrived at the interview he

approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake hands (yes with THAT

handshake).

After an hour or so (with the candidate dropping numerous Masonic references)the prospective boss

asked if he were to be offered the job, what package would he expect. Our candidate, now feeling very

confident said that he would like $200,000 and five weeks of annual leave.

His interviewer replied, "We'll halve it and you begin."

Sent by :

(NAME) R. L. Blaney, P.M.

(GRANDLODGE) Grand Lodge F&AM of Ohio


As is usual in my Lodge, the junior officers move up one station later in the masonic year, on evenings

when no special work is schedualed. This gives them experience for the coming year. One young Senior

Deacon got his tongue wrapped around his eye teeth awkwardly during the closing of Lodge, the first

time sitting as Junior Warden. Instead of saying *It is the order of the WM that this lodge of Master


13/168

MASONS be now closed*, it came out as Master BAITERS. Later he told the Master he was just practising

for annual inspection

Sent by :

(NAME) David Blue

(GRANDLODGE) AvonGlen #170 G.R.A


The Master of the lodge and his two wardens went golfing one day. As they were about to tee off the

first hole the course marshal came and asked if a young woman could join their group. Being a

chairitable group they all agreed. She turned out to be a scratch golfer but on the 18 th. hole she drovethe green in two and was about to put for eagle. She then ask the three brothers if any one of them

helped her make the put she would be eternally gratefull. Well then, the Junior Warden look at the put

and told her it was uphill and broke to the right. Well the Senior Warden being a more expert workman

looked at it seccond, and said " That is partialy correct but five inchs from the hole it breaks back to the

left. Well the Master of Lodge then took his turn. He looked at the put carefull y and then went over to

the ball, Picked it up and exclaimed " It's a gimme !!!"

Sent by :

(NAME) Richard Saxby Jr.

(GRANDLODGE) Seneca River #160 Grand Lodge of New York


One day a Doctor was asked to give a Jewish fellow a physical. The fellow informed the Doctor that "I

will only allow myself to be examined by someone with Kosher hands". Realizing how much this meant

to the fellow, the Doctor asked the staff if there were any Jewish Doctors on any of the floors of the

hospital. He was told that there was a Jewish Doctor that worked on the 8th floor. The Doctor called him

and explained his situation and asked if he could come to the 2nd floor and perform the examination for

him. The Jewish Doctor exclaimed " I have my own problems here to take care of, I have 5 Catholics who

won't pee in a mason jar!"


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Sent by :

(NAME) Rob Jones-Cook

(GRANDLODGE) Park 63, British Columbia


At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge

building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse

poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration

and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the

next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he

said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore

all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"

Sent by :

(NAME) Anonimous

A salesman walked into the post office in a small town and started to talk to the Post Master. In the

course of their conversation the topic of Freemasonry came up. The man started to berate and criticize

the Craft. He then asked the Post Master if he wanted hear a very funny joke about Masons. The PostMaster told him that he was a Mason, as was the man standing in line behind the salesman, as were

three of the mail carriers at the front desk. Now in the company of five Freemasons did the man still

want to tell the joke to which the salesman replied, "Not if I have to explain it five times!"

NAME = R Frith

GRANDLODGE = UGLE

E-MAIL = [email protected]

For all the Ark Mariners


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Noah called God; yes god said Noah; I would like you build me and ark; like the last one said Noah; no

said God, this one has to have twenty decks; Twenty decks said Noah!; yes twenty decks said God; OK

said Noah and do you want it filing with animals like last time; no said God, I want it filling full of fish;

Fish said Noah!; Fish said God, in particular Carp; Carp said Noah?; Carp said God; Ok said Noah, just one

thing, why do want full of Carp; " I have always fanced a Multi-Story-Carp-Ark said God"

There is this Guy out at sea in a small boat, rough weather and it overturns, as he's bobbing about a life

boat appears, as they called out, he said its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me, and

refused thier help, after a short while a helicopter is overhead lowering a rope and again the guy says its

ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me,the guy refuses their help. Shortly after he drowns, as

he is met by God at the pearly gates he says I thought you would look after me I am a Royal Ark Mariner

"God said I sent you a life boat and a helicopter what more did you want!

NAME = Siddharth Dhawan

GRANDLODGE = Lodge Ashoka No: 93, Grand Lodge of India


The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the

Genie offered to grant him a wish.

"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a

bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."

"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's

too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another

wish."

"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and

not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not

put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"

"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a

Brother.

That brother, who sold dogs, gave him on, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot

about hunting and you can trully rely on him".


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Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very

experienced. Haven't you got another dog?"

"Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try

him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back."

Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm

looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced."

"Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good

time with him."

So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned.

"What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this

one."

"Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!"

At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge

building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse

poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration

and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the

next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he

said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore

all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"

NAME = Felix Gordillo

GRANDLODGE = Universal #178- Tampa, Florida


There is this lodge located in the backwoods of a small southern town where the bretheren are faithful

masons but lack knowledge of receiving brothers from other jurisdictions. During one of the meetings,

the JD informs the WM that there was an alarm at the door where upon the WM replied "Attend thealarm and report your findings ". The JD opens the door and see's to his amazement, a brother

impecably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest. The tyler being somewhat slow

to answer for the visiting brother, the visitor states; My name is John Smith, PM of my lodge, Past Distric

Deputy of my district, Past Grand Master of my Grand Lodge, Past Soverign Grand Commander of the

Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor, Past Imperial Potentate of the Shrine of North America, who

humbly requests an audience with the WM. The JD upon hearing these words from the visiting brother


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and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediately closes the door, returns to his post and

informs the WM: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door"!!!

NAME = Dai McClymont

GRANDLODGE = Alberton Lodge, no. 1651 SC


A Mason's wife once asked him why he learned all his workings in the toilet. His reply: "That's the only

properly tiled room in the house."

NAME = Lawson Purdie

GRANDLODGE = Rutherglen No 116, GL of Scotland


A rather nervous master in my province closing his lodge "Have all the pages of the evening been

weighed?" (Must have been heavy ritual work that night).

NAME = William C. (Boots) Bell PM.

GRANDLODGE = Youngstown Lodge#615 - G. L. of Ohio


A burglar broke into an old pastmasters house one night. He shined his flashlightaround looking for

valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from

the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his pants !! , clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more

after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the

light back on and began searching for more valuables.


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Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

He freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the

corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 160lb Rottweiler

Jesus."

NAME = Allan Taylor

GRANDLODGE = Hamilton Kilwinning No.7, Scotland


One night Rabbie Burns (Scottish Bard) was at a night out when he saw this gorgeous woman. Rabbie

promptly asked her if he would join him overnight for some kissing and cuddling. The woman said "yes,

but only if you make me a mason". Rabbie said "yes", and the woman followed him home. "Will you

make me a mason" she asks Rabbie. "Yes" he replied, but you will need to take your clothes off. The

woman tore her clothes off and the had a passionate night together. Waking in the morning the lady

asks "Rabbie, have you made me a mason yet". He replied "No, but may this be a prick of torture to your

flesh in the meantime"

NAME = Michael Morton

GRANDLODGE = Converse Lodge - Malden MA



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A very old and wizened gentleman arrives on the night of the Lodge's monthly meeting and asks to

become a Fellowcraft. When advised that he would have to become an Entered Apprentice first, , the

old man nods "I was entered as an apprentice in this Lodge 86 years ago." He gives the date and the

records are examined. Indeed, it shows that the man had been initiated into the Craft 86 years earlier

but had never set his foot in the lodge since. When asked why he had not been there in 86 years, the old

man smiled and said "I've been learning to subdue my passions!"

NAME = Ernesto P. Rivera

GRANDLODGE = Lincoln Lodge #34, Grand Lodge of the Ph


A candidate was received with a sharp instrument and after the explanation why, the SD has having a

hard time taking the candidate by the left arm. The candidate strongly maintains his composure, fist

closed. No matter how the SD explains that they have to proceed and let go his fist, the candidate never

opened his fist until the WM asked for a recess and talked to the candidate. The Candidate was handed

a coin in his left hand by a brother mason and was ordered not to give it away or open his palm if he

does there will be a severe penalty to be imposed or may not gain admission.

NAME = keith rowell

GRANDLODGE = reddish lodge3615 UGLE


two candidates were elected to enter on the same lodge night, one was a butcher and the other a sales

rep. on the night of initiation the butcher went in first,when it came to the charge at the north east

corner it was discovered that he had a quarter pound of liver in his pocket that he was going to deliver

on his way home, obviously this had to be taken away. the JD took this to the tyler and said this is the

butchers liver ,and to this day we havnt seen the sales rep

NAME = W.B. Alex Harper

GRANDLODGE = Unity Lodge 710 Grand Lodge of Canada


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Two non Masons were passing a lodge after have quite a few drinks.

What do you think goes on in there? asks one.

I don't know but I am going in to find out, said the other.

After two or three minutes he comes flying out of the door all bloody and clothes ripped.

What happened to you? asks the first.

Well he said, after passing through the entryway, I climbed a winding stair. When I got to the top I came

to a door with a small door at head height and so I knocked.

The small door opened and the person on the inside said Bo, I said peep, and the next thing I knew I was

back out here with you.

name: Andrew Alexander

lodge: Lodge of Commerce

grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Victoria

A poor old Junior Deacon had been having a very bad night of ritual during a First Degree. His candidate,

though, was a very enthusiastic young man. The candidate had taken the advice of some of his new

brethren and was repeating whatever the Junior Deacon was saying to him in a loud, clear and steady

voice. It came to the end of the Ceremony of Initiation and the WM announced,"Brother... you are now

at liberty to retire."

To which the poor old JD said under his breath (or so he thought)"And thank God for that", when he

heard the Candidate say in a loud and clear voice: "And thank God for that."

name: Allan Barr P.M.

lodge: St. John Slamannan No.

grandlodge: Scotland

A freemason found himself a contestant on the popular tv show "mastermind".

after the presenter had exchanged the usual greetings and enquired his name and occupation the

brother declared his "chosen specialist subject" to be "the history of Scottish Freemasonry since the


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foundation of Grand Lodge" the first question was, in what year was the Grand Lodge of Scotland

founded? to which the brother answered "pass".

undeterred the question master continued by enquiring, who was the first Grand Master Mason of

Scotland? as in the former instance the brother's answer was "pass". continuing on the questioner

further enquired, who is the current Grand Master Mason of Scotland? and for a third time the answerwas "pass". at this juncture a voice from the studio audience was heard to shout, "that's right brother,

tell them nothing"!

name: Charles Kettles

lodge: Mad River # 77

grandlodge: GL of VT

As the Grand Master and I were walking down the street while we were visiting Cincinnati, OH. We

happen to pass a pet shop. It has a sign in the window that caught our eye. It said, See our Masonic

Birds.

Well we looked at each other and since we had time before our scheduled meeting, we decided to

investigate?

We went in and proceeded to the aviary to view the birds. While we were inspecting them the owner

came over and offered to help us.

Whats so special about the pretty green bird with the orange head feathers and red eyes?, I asked.

Oh, he recites the Working tools of the First Degree., was the reply. How much is that bird I queried.

That one goes for $500 said the owner.

What about that blue bird with the red trim feathers and yellow beak?, I asked.

That bird knowsthe Middle Chamber and sells for $750., said the owner.

And what about that outstanding purple bird with the iridescent green plumage, I asked.

That particular bird is exceptional because the does the whole second part of the Third Degree and he

sells for $1,000.

Oh, I see. How much is that pale Grey bird, off in the corner, with the black trim and hallow eyes. I

inquired.

Well that bird goes for $2,000., said the owner.


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Wow, I said, What does he do?

Nothing., replied the owner.

Nothing?, I repeated. Well, then why are you charging so much for him? I wanted to know.

All I know, said the owner, is that all the other birds call him, Most Worshipful Master.

name: W.Bro Vic Gillam

lodge: Duke of Richmond Lodge No 3143

grandlodge: Grand Lodge of England

A pot-holer decided one day to investigate some above ground caves. He came across a very narrow

cave and went down it. When he reached the end he found a skeleton which had a sword in its hand.

Turning a corner he passed through a doorway into a large cavern. He found this cavern contained a

great many skeletons. Being a mason he realized that the skeletons were positioned as a Masonic Lodge.

Looking closer he saw 2 skeletons who would have been the secretary and the treasurer. One of them

has a piece of paper in his hand, He removed the paper and read "If someone does'n promp the

Worshipful Master soon we'll be here all night.

name: John Goody

lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790

grandlodge: UGLE

A young E.A. came running into the W.M.'s robing room , shouting, W.M., there is a case of Syphilis in

the Lodge.

The W.M. replied, thank goodness for that, I was getting sick of Beaujolais!

name: John Goody

lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790

grandlodge: UGLE


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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.

Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to the Freemason next to her: The driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up

there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid.

lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60

grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland

The Worshipful Master directed that the Lodge Deacons wear less aftershave in future, as the Candidate

who had just been initiated that evening, when asked if he had felt comfortable during the

ceremony,replied,"I was a bit worried for the first five or ten minutes, but the woman behind me was

very helpful in keeping me from staggering!"

name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid.

lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60

grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland

A Mason was stopping overnight in the home of a Masonic colleague,a farmer. A short time after the

visiting Mason retired for the night the farmer's scantily dressed daughter slipped into his bed. The

Mason shoved her out of his bed saying, "I am a Mason. My Masonic principles absolutely prohibit me

from misbehaving with the daughter of a Mason." The following morning the daughter went out to the

farmyard where her father was attempting to coax his bull to satisfy the obvious yearnings of a

neighbouring farmer's young heifer. The bull refused to cooperate, wandered away and lay down in the

hay. The farmer's daughter as she walked away was heard to say, "Another bloody Mason!!!"

name: Peter Taylor

lodge: Albert , 448

grandlodge: Scotland


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A ragged tramp stopped a Mason on his way home from the lodge and asked him for money for food.

Ill do better than that! said the Mason. Come into the pub, and Ill buy you a drink! Thank you!

said the beggar. But Ive never drunk and I never will! Well, let me buy you some cigarettes then!

said the Mason. No, thanks! said the tramp, Ive never smoked and I never will! Okay, said theMason. Come back to the lodge with me and Ill see youget a meal! No, thanks, said the man. Ive

never entered a masonic lodge and I never will! Right, then, said the Mason Will you please come

home with me and meet my wife! Why? asked the tramp. Well, said the Mason. I just want her to

see what happens to a guy who doesnt drink, doesnt smoke and hasnt joined the Masons!

name: Stewart Brass

lodge: Harris Lodge No. 216

grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Canada in the Province of Ontario

There was a time when a lodge had to make use of a banquet room in the local hotel due to their own

lodge hall having burned down. One night a gentleman walked into the hotel and noticed the Tyler

standing outside the door of the banquet hall with a drawn sword in his hand. He asked the desk clerk

"What is that man doing with that sword?" The desk clerk replied that the local Masonic Lodge was

meeting in the banquet room. The gentleman then said "Oh the Masons. That's the organization that is

really hard to get into" whereupon the desk clerk replied " It must be. That poor guy with the sword has

been knocking on that door for months and they still haven't let him in".

name: Edd Alexander

lodge: Mannford #515

grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Oklahoma

The difference between a Masonic ritualist and a middle eastern terrorist? You can negotiate with theterrorist!

name: JP Bernard

lodge: Thistle Lodge No.96


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grandlodge: The Grand Lodge of Quebec

"TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB"

WHEN WE CONVENED LODGE,

A MERE FEW WEEKS AGO,

IT WAS REPORTED A LIGHT BULB,

HAD LOST ALL IT'S GLOW.

THIS CREATED A STIR,

IT MEANT THE EVIL WORD,

WOULD NEED TO BE SPOKEN,

WHICH WAS SELDOM HEARD.

"WE WOULD NEED A "CHANGE"

TO MAKE IT LIGHT AGAIN,

IF WE WEREN'T CAREFUL,

WE WOULD COMMIT A SIN.

BE IT AS IT MAY,

A COMMITTEE WAS FORMED,

TO STUDY OUR PLIGHT,

AND KEEP A LID ON THE STROM.


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IT WAS ARGUED BY SOME,

WE'VE NEVER DONE IT THIS WAY,

WHY, IT'S PREPOSTEROUS,

WE HEARD SOME SAY.

CHANGE IS NOT NEEDED,

WHY, ONE COULD MAKE A SLIP,

WHILE STANDING SO LOFTY,

FALL AND BREAK A HIP.

THE COMMITTEE DRUG ON,

SEARCHING FOR THINGS,

WHILE AVOIDING REALITY,

THE INEVITABLE "CHANGE".

THE RITUALISTS SCREAMED OUT,

YOU'RE BREAKING OUR HEARTS,

WE WON'T ACCEPT "CHANGE",

SO THE LODGE WENT DARK.

MY BRETHREN, IT MAY SEEM,

I MAKE FUN WITH MY RHYME,

IT'S MORE SERIOUS THAN THAT,

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.


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WHEN THE LAUGHTER WILL STOP,

WITH BROTHERHOOD NO MORE,

CAUSE THE LODGE WILL GO DARK,

WE KEPT "CHANGE" FROM THE DOOR.

THE WORLD HAS NOT CHANGED,

NOT ONE LITTLE BIT,

IT'S TECHNOLOGY AND PEOPLE,

THAT LIVE TOGETHER ON IT.

EMBRACE THE FUTURE,

AS WELL AS THE PAST,

IT'S A MATTER OF SURVIVAL,

WE MUST MAKE IT LAST.

Ben Steen copyright May 15, 2005

========================================

and:

Question: How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: After much research on this tricky question, it can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:

- 2 to complain that the light does not work;


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- 1 to pass the problem on to the Board of General Purposes;

- 3 to do a study on light in the lodge;

- 2 to check the type of lights the Lion's Club uses;

- 3 to argue about the liability involved in using volunteer labour to change it;

- 5 to plan a fund raising dinner to pay for the change;

- 2 to complain that "that's not the way we used to change bulbs";

- 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb, and install it; and

- 1 to order the brass plate and have it inscribed.

name: David William Jones

lodge: St Idloes No 1852

grandlodge: UGLE

A Freemason parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Lodge to show it off to his Brothers.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door

before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Mason grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the

police arrive. He starts screaming hysterically:

"My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it takes at the panel beaters, it'll

simply never be the same again!"

After the Brother finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how

materialistic you bl**dy Masons are. You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice

anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Brother.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the lorry hit you?"

The Brother looks down in absolute horror "BL**DY HELL!!!!!! he screams........ Where's my Rolex

????..."

name: jnchowdhary


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lodge: sanchi no. 247

grandlodge: india

A candidate was being initiated and when kneeled on his entering the lodge blindfolded after the prayer

the wm asked "in all cases of danger and difficulty in whom do you put your trust" he replied before the

junior deacon could prompt him "in my wife". The junior deacon insisted to him to say in God but the

candidate replied "I do not know any God but I trust my wife"

name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond

lodge: Baden Powell 505

grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia

The Order

The brethren of the lodge decided that, for a social outing with some physical activity, they would spend

a day walking in the mountains. The Worshipful Master, not being up to such an arduous journey, opted

to wait at the base of the mountain - but not before giving strict instructions to the Senior Warden to

carry a long rope in case of emergency, and to observe various landmarks on the way as an aid to

navigation.

Unfortunately, while the brethren were on the mountain they were enveloped by a dense fog, cutting

visibility to a few metres. The SW, concerned that they could become separated in the mist, produced

the rope from his backpack and instructed everyone to tie themselves to it. Remembering the WMs

order, they slowly and carefully made their way back, noting the landmarks they had observed earlier - a

fallen log here, a peculiar shaped rock there - until eventually they emerged safely from the mist, tied

together like a chain gang. The WM was overjoyed to greet them. I was very worried when the mist

covered the mountain, he said. How did you find your way back without anyone getting lost?

Isnt it obvious? replied the SW. Were brethren of the mystic tie, and we simply followed the

landmarks of the order!



grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia


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Masonic Limericks

Upon googling the internet with clicks,

I found Masonic limericks were nix.

Why is that so?

I really dont know;

So I wrote some myself - just for kicks.

There once was a Freemason called Mitchell

Who had trouble remembering his ritual.

The Master said, Son,

The learnings not done

Until it becomes habitual.

A visiting Brother from Texas

Stood To Order in Lodge right next to us.

He gave us a fright

As he stepped-off with his right;

He just happened to be ambidextrous.

There was a Freemason from Clydes

Who wore a newspaper apron. He confides,

The apron caught fire

And burned his entire


31/168

Front page, sports section and classifieds.

The Brethren from Lodge at The Grange,

A light bulb they had to exchange;

It no longer would glow,

But the Master said, No,

In Freemasonry nothing can change.

A one-legged Mason from Myrtle

Once had a race with a turtle;

But the turtle won fair

Because the man on the square

Went round the fourth part of a circle.

There was a young Mason from York

Who felt like a bit of a dork,

In his black penguin suit

And white apron to boot,

Till he went to Grand Lodge for a gawk.

Three ruffians thought it was simple

To steal the builders secrets, until

He prevaricated - said Nay,

Ill not betray.

So they served Hiram Abiff in the temple.


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There was a Lodge Chaplain named Bell,

Who read words from the VSL.

Sometimes hed mutter,

Sometimes hed stutter,

And sometimes hed even yell.

Two came for the first Tracing Board,

One by free will and accord;

But the other old bloke,

This is no joke,

Came by Model T Ford.

There was a young man named Jason

Who wanted to become a Freemason;

But when a Brother of note

Said, Youll ride the goat,

Jason from the Mason did hasten.

The Master asked the Candidate from Fyfe,

In times of difficulty and strife,

Tell us, you must,

In whom do you trust?

The Candidate replied, In the wife.


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There once was a PM from Mayne

Who did nothing in Lodge but complain.

That wasnt the way

It was done in his day.

He really was a terrible pain.

Testing a Lodge visitor at Doncaster,

Once caused an embarassing disaster.

When asked for the Word

He said, Dont be absurd,

You should know that Im the Grand Master!

The Stewards at a Lodge in Turin

Served the Festive Board, with a grin.

But the size of each plate

Was so overweight,

The Junior Warden said, Halve it, and begin.

name: Fraser Card

lodge: King Hiram # 78

grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ontario, Canada

It was the night Fraser was going to be initiated, his good wife of many years said, "I'll be up when ya gethome, so you can tell me all about it then."

Shortly after midnight, Fraser walks through the door, heads striaght for the shower with his faitful hot

on his heels asking the questions we've all been asked.


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Days have passed and still not a peep out of Fraser & the little bride is hot as she's ever been in their

days together..... "we've never had a secret from day one from each other..ya can't tell me now, this

Lodge thing is going to divide us ? "

Fraser asked for her faith, but to no end, still hounding and every second he's home there's no rest for

the newly invested.....

After weeks of the looks & the bitter talk, Fraser gives in. He says to his bride, "I'll tell ya, but ya gotta

understand the severe trouble I'll get in should you ever mention a word on it !" "Nar a word to the girls

then.... not a single letter of it to your sister...ya hear me..... !" "Go lock the door, pull the drapes..... and

sit close as I'll only tell ya on it but once, and never a word again.... understand then ? "

The bride swears to it all.....

Fraser starts in a low whisper about the evenings goings on.... "then there came a point in time during

the meeting of the Lodge, they told me there's two doors.... enter the first, and remove all your

clothes... turn out the light, and open the second door..... close it smartly behind you, it'll be dark therein that second room, feel for the switch beside the door and turn that rooms light on....

"So...." says the bride "did ya then. . . . ? " "I did" says Fraser... "and there on a cot was the most

beautiful lady with the most gracefull long red hair I've ever laid my eyes on.... laying there all naked she

was..... and she was inviting me to take part with her..... "

With this the little wife jumps up and screams "ya din't take her did ya !!!! "

Fraser's retort .... "I had no choice, if I didn't do my duty...they'd sent me straight to the Odd Fellows

Lodge eh ! "

Ah that marriage to this day, is as strong now, as it was 25 years ago...

Enjoy our days boys . . . take long walks and share your smile with a stranger then... life is good.

name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM

lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M.

grandlodge: Ohio

Back at the turn of the last century, there used to be a small Lodge in a small town somewhere just

north or Farmington, Maine. Even though it wasn't fancy and lacked the modern conveniences (indoor

plumbing, a kitchen, that sort of thing), the Brethren were very proud of their little building, and they

met there a couple of times a month during September and early October and late April, May and June.

In the winter they met once a month on the full moon (for the extra light at night since there was no

such thing as electrification yet). They didn't meet during July and August because it was too hot and

there was too much farming or timbering to be done. In the cold winter months when the wind would


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howl and the snow would pile up, the little pot bellied wood burning stove kept them warm and cozy as

they conducted their monthly meetings. Now these were men who believed in and practiced the tenets

and principles of Freemasonry. Occasionally, they would have a little social where they could bring their

wives, but this usually was on Sunday afternoons after church. Beyond that, no women were allowed in

the building!

Now there was a little old lady who lived near the Lodge hall, and she was the source of consternation

among the Brethren for years. Seems that during the winter months - and in Maine that's November

through April - this woman, we'll call her Mrs. Tibbetts, would walk up to the current Master of the

Lodge the morning after a meeting and say "Oh, I see that you had 18 men at your meeting last night."

Sometimes the number was higher, and sometimes the number was lower, but Mrs. Tibbetts was

always right. This went on for years, and drove the Brethren crazy. Every morning after a meeting the

Master would dread Mrs. Tibbetts' approach because he knew what was coming..."Oh, I see you had

(the correct number) men at your meeting last night." And darn it, she was right, but how did she know?

Did she have a way of sneaking in the Lodge and spying on us?

Finally, as Mrs. Tibbetts was lying on her death bed waiting to take her last breath, WB Jones, then

Master of the Lodge, paid her a visit. Without nary a moment's hesitation, he asked, "For all these years

you've told us, without fail and without an error, how many Brethren we had attending the previous

night's meeting. How did you do it? Where was your spy hole? I've got to know." Well, Mrs. Tibbets

looked up at the perplexed and frustrated man and smiled. She said to him in a very weak but very

triumphant voice, " No, sonny, I never spied on your meetings. But it was easy enough to tell how many

of you men were there. After a meeting when all the men had gone home and the sky was still brightfrom the light of the full moon, I would just walk behind the Lodge building and count the little yellow

circles in the snow, and by golly, I knew how many of you were there that night!" And with that, she

laughed a hearty laugh and passed away, a grin still on her face.

name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM

lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M.

grandlodge: Ohio

This one was told by P.C.S., PGM and Past Grand Secretary of the Grand Lodge of Maine. He always

made himself the object of the story...


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MWB P.C.S. used to have speaking engagements all around the state. If you know anything about

Maine, it's a long way from one major area to another, and travel can sometimes be tricky, especially in

the winter months.

One particularly cold winter's evening, MWB P.C.S. had to leave his home near Portland for a speaking

engagement in Bangor, normally a little over a couple of hours away. Now MWB P.C.S. was not known

for his maintaining the posted speed limit. In fact, if you looked up "lead foot" in the dictionary, chances

are you might find a picture of our most esteemed brother next to the definition.

But on this particular evening, MWB P.C.S. was running extremely late and really didn't want to

disappoint his Brethren in Maine's second largest city. So he got on the Maine Turnpike, pressed the

pedal to the floor and headed north. He was making great time until he passed Freeport. He looked into

his rearview mirror and saw the flashing lights of a state police car. MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got hislicense and registration ready and waited for the officer. The state trooper tapped on the window and

MWB P.C.S. rolled it down. "License and registration, please," the trooper said. MWB P.C.S. handed the

documents to the officer and while he was examining them, MWB P.C.S. asked the trooper if he was a

Traveling Man. "Indeed I am," was the reply. "Sir, I am P.C.S., the current Grand Master of Masons in

Maine, and I am going to be very late for a meeting in Bangor. Can you help me out?" our Most

Worshipful Brother asked. "Well, I'll let you go this time but keep your speed down," the trooper

replied. "And it was a pleasure to meet you, MWB P.C.S.."

Once again, MWB P.C.S. headed north and as soon as he felt comfortable that he was way past the

trooper, he pressed the pedal to the metal. He whizzed past Augusta and was now about an hour or so

away. As he passed the exit for Waterville, he once again saw the lights of a state trooper's car in his

rear view mirror. Again, MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his license and registration out and waited for the

officer. Tap, tap, tap on the window. "License and registration, please." "Are you a Traveling Man?" "Yes,

I am." Well, after a brief exchange, MWB P.C.S. was let off with just a warning. And again, as soon as he

was sure it was OK, MWB P.C.S. let his foot do the talking, so to speak. "I'm making great time," he

thought. "Only a half hour away."

The exit for Bangor was now only a couple of miles away. "I'm going to be almost on time!" MWB P.C.S.

thought. Suddenly there were the lights of another police vehicle visible in his mirror. "Here we go

again," he thought. Once again, he pulled over, got his license and registration ready and waited for the

inevitable tap on the window. "License and registration, please," the trooper stated. "Are you a

Traveling Man?" MWB P.C.S. asked. "Yes, I am" was the reply. Once again, MWB P.C.S. identified

himself, and pleaded his case. But this time the officer began writing a ticket. "Officer, Why are you


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writing that? I was stopped outside of Freeport by an officer who was a Brother, and he let me go with a

warning. I was stopped by an officer outside of Waterville who was a Brother and he let me go with a

warning. Why are issuing me a ticket?"

The officer looked at MWB P.C.S. very calmly and with just the hint of a grin on his face and replied. "In

Freeport you met my brother Jubila; in Waterville you met my brother Jubilo; but me, my name is

Jubilum and what I purpose I perform." And with that, the officer finished writing, tore the ticket from

his book, gave it to our Grand Master and wished him a safe journey

name: Gary Woodbridge

lodge: Bolingbroke 2417

grandlodge: U.G.L.E

Two elderly Freemasons, Pat and Bill were discussing the inevitable day when they would join the Great

Architect. "I wonder", said Pat, "if there are Lodges up there". "I'll tell you what" said Bill, "the first of us

to depart should come back briefly and inform the other". This agreed, months passed before Brother

Pat passed away after a short illness.

Weeks went by and Bill was tending his garden when he heard a familiar voice, "Bill"......."Bill",

"Is that you Pat"? asked Bill, "Yes" replied Pat.

"Well, are there lodges up there", questioned Bill.

"Oh yes" said Pat. "They're fantastic. Every meeting is fully attended, the festive board is awesome, our

workings are always word perfect, but there is a sad point"

"Whats that" enquired Pat.

"Well next Wednesday we're conducting a Second Degree"

"Why is that so sad" asked Bill.

"Well" said Pat. "You're the Senior Deacon"

name: Flotus

lodge: Philadelphia

grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay


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At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the

Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by

the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, Worshipful Master, at

the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe

name: Flotus

lodge: Philadelphia

grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay

At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the

Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by

the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, Worshipful Master, at

the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe



grandlodge: UGL. of Qld Australia

Masonic Riddles

Welcome to my collection of Masonic Riddles. The majority are original and have never been published

before. Enjoy.

Ballot

Q. What is it called if a Lodge ballot returns two black balls?

A. Electile dysfunction.


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Boaz

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he was married?

A. Ruthless.

Brewery

Q. What time was it when the Lodge visited the brewery?

A. High time.

Bright Freemasons

Q. Whats the first thing most Freemasons do in the morning of a lodge meeting?

A. Wake up.

Crocodile

Q. Why did the crocodile refuse to eat Freemasons?

A. Because they would lodge in its throat.

Cross the Road

Q. Why did the Freemason cross the road?

A. He was following the landmarks of the Order.

Drawbridge

Q. What did the Freemason say when he tripped and fell off the drawbridge?

A. So moat it be.


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Festive Board

Q. What did the Junior Warden say when the Steward was about to serve double helpings at the Festive

Board.

A. Halve it and begin.

Finders Keepers

Q. Where do you find Freemasons?

A. It depends where you lost them.

Freemason or Not?

Q. When is a Freemason not a Freemason?

A. When advancing to the East in the Second Degree, he turns into a winding staircase.

Freeway

Q. How are freeways and Freemasonry alike?

A. They both provide a pathway to where you want to go.

Grand Lodge Above No.1

Q. Why cant Brethren working in Antarctica pass to the Grand Lodge Above?

A. Because theyre not dead.

Grand Lodge Above No.2

Q. Why couldnt the absent-minded Brother enter the Grand Lodge Above?

A. Because he forgot to bring his regalia.

Hiram and the Sheriff


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Q. What do Hiram Abiff and Gary Cooper have in common?

A. They both faced murderous ruffians at high noon.

Hiram et al

Q. What do Hiram Abiff, George Washington and a tombstone cutter have in common?

A. Theyre all monumental masons.

King Solomons Temple

Q. Where was King Solomons Temple located?

A. On the side of his head.

Lodges and Pubs

Q. What do Masonic Lodges and pubs have in common?

A. The longer you stay the more enlightened you become.

Masonic Apron

Q. Why do Freemasons wear aprons?

A. Just in case they have to do the washing up.

Masonic Beavers

Q. Whats the first thing a colony of Masonic beavers would do?

A. Build a grand lodge.

Masonic Colours No.1

Q. Whats black, white, blue and green?


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A. A seasick Freemason.


Q. Whats black, white, blue, green and red?

A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason.


Q. Whats black, white, blue, green, red and yellow?

A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason in a bowl of custard.

Masonic Dad

Q. What did the Freemason say when his kids covered him with sand at the beach?

A. Dont put a sprig of acacia on top!

Masonic Elephant

Q. What do you get if you cross a Freemason with an elephant?

A. An overweight Brother who never forgets his ritual charges.

Masonic Knock-Knock

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Candy.

Candy who?

Candy date for Freemasonry.


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Masonic Light Bulb No.1

Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?

A. No one knows. Its a secret.

Masonic Light Bulb No.2

Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?

A. CHANGE?

Masonic Policeman

Q. What did the police officer say to the Brother caught speeding home from Lodge?

A. I shall now direct your attention to a charge.

Masonic Terrorists

Q. Why is Freemasonry a suspected terrorist organisation?

A. Because the Square and Compasses are weapons of maths instruction.

Masonic Thermometer

Q. Why did the Cowan break open the thermometer?

A. To discover the secrets of the degrees.

Non-Masonic Light Bulb

Q. How many Cowans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. They are in eternal darkness.

Password


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Q. Why do you need a password to enter a Masonic Lodge?

A. Because they dont sell tickets.

Past Masters and Politicians

Q. Whats the difference between Past Masters and politicians?

A. Politicians want to change things.

Rhinoceros

Q. Whats the difference between a Freemason and a rhinoceros?

A. Well, if you cant tell them apart you wouldnt make a very good Tyler.

Rough Stuff

Q. How did the ruffians try to steal the Master Masons secrets?

A. They served Hiram Abiff in the temple.

The AGSW and the Funeral

Q. What does an Assistant Grand Superintendent of Workings have in common with a body at a funeral?

A. The show wouldnt be the same without them, but nobody expects them to say very much.

The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.1

Q. What would you get if you mixed a Fellowcraft and a tiger?

A. A tiger.

The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.2

Q. What happened to the Fellowcraft?


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A. Hes gone into the middle chamber.

The Grip

Q. Why do Masons have a secret handshake?

A. So they dont mistake each other for penguins.

The Illuminator

Q. Who is the most enlightening person in the Lodge?

A. The Director of Ceremonies, because DC power is electrifying.

The King is Dead

Q. What did the Israelites say when their first King (before David and Solomon) died?

A. Thats Saul folks.

The Kings Limo

Q. What kind of car did King Solomons father drive?

A. According to Scripture, the roar of David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

The Staircase

Q. Why did the Worshipful Master fall down the stairs?

A. Because the Entered Apprentice had taken the first step.

Tongue in Cheek

Q. What did the recalcitrant EA say before he was slain?

A. Se sells seasells by the seasore.


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To Order

Q. Why do Freemasons Stand to Order?

A. Because if they sat down the waiter might not notice them.

Tyler Tiler

Q. What is the difference between a tyler and a tiler?

A. One tyles lodges and the other lodges tiles.

VSL

Q. What is the Volume of the Sacred Law?

A. Ten thousand cubic centimetres.

Who am I?

Q. Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it,

Five in the middle is seen;

First of all letters, first of all figures,

Take up their stations between.

Join all together, and then you will bring

Before you the name of an eminent king.

Who am I?

(Clue: Roman numerals)

A. DAVID

Whodunit?


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Q. What's the worst thing about being a Fellowcraft?

A. You're always one of the usual suspects.

Women Freemasons

Q. Why arent women allowed into Freemasonry?

A. Imagine telling your wife that you had a Worshipful Mistress in the Lodge!

name: Roy Fairhurst

lodge: Lodge of Faith 344

grandlodge: UGL England

A first degree was in progress and the ritual was not very good, concequentley a series of prompts were

coming from the Past Masters and the Provincial Officers (as they do). The DC was slowly loosing his cool

and finally snapped, jumped up and shouted "How many DC's are there in this Lodge" The Senior

Warden who had been snoozing immediatly jumped up and said "Three besides the outer gaurd or

tyler"

name: Robert Kelly

lodge: Rolla Lodge No. 213

grandlodge: Missouri

The temple board consisting of several old and frugal Master Masons were meeting to discuss the

replacement of the lodge hall. After months of meetings, they finally declared that they had worked out

the way to build a new lodge hall without spending any more money than needed. They stipulated three

conditions that would be a cost savings. No. 1 - They would build the new lodge hall on the site of the

current lodge hall. No. 2 - They would use as much of the materials from the original lodge hall in

construction of the new lodge hall and No. 3 - They would continue to use the old lodge hall until the

new one was built.


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name: John Upton

lodge: Deepdene No. 356

grandlodge: Victoria, Australia

The story is told of a very nervous Inner Guard who, when being told by the Tyler that the visitor was

VWorBro Charles Carpenter, Grand Chaplain, announced to the WM, "VWorBro Charles Chaplain, Grand

Carpenter"!!!

name: Michael Bonner

lodge: Harmony #370

grandlodge: GL of Canada in the Province of Ontario

Did you hear about the dairy farmer who became a Mason?

He kept giving everyone the secret milkshake.

name: Brian Mc Dowell

lodge: Creswick Havilah Lodge.Melbourne Australia

grandlodge: Freemasons Victoria

King Arthur was attending a Lodge meeting with his Knights at another Castle within his realm and on

this particular night Queen Guinevere insisted he be home before midnight or else she would raise the

drawbridge and he would have to spend the evening with one of the serfs.

The meeting finished late and King Arthur was hurtling towards Camelot and the time was fast

aproaching midnight when he was in sight of the drawbridge which was slowly rising.

Unable to make such a huge leap with his trusty steed he uttered the words as he dived into the watery

mess,

"Ah! So mote,(moat) it be"


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name: Wilhelm Hernandez

lodge: Transportation Lodge 103

grandlodge: Canada

There are two Masons who promised themselves if one of them would die will visit the second to tell

about the after life. One night the dead one visited the other and says : Brother I am visiting you as

promised and I have two news, the 1st one is, there is a Lodge in here and the second one, you have

been promoted to Jr Deacon next week.

name: Rohit J. Varma

lodge: St. John's Lodge 434

grandlodge: UGLE

Masonic Mentor: "If I stopped a man from beating up a donkey, then what virtue would I be showing?"

Cheeky Newly Obligated Bro.: "Brotherly Love?"

name: Sean Brimlow

lodge: Wynnstay 3876

grandlodge: England and Wales

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Welsh couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Wales and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.


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The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email

to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his

error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in England , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He

was a Worshipful brother who was called to the Grand Lodge above following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the

first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen

which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send

emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been

prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

name: Mark Cottington

lodge: Mid Sussex 7642

grandlodge: Sussex

WM was making a rather laborious speech which had gone on for about 30 minutes, all of a sudden an

empty bottle came out of the dining area aimed towards him, it missed the WM but struck the IPM

square on the forehead, as he slid off his chair under the table he was heard to say "someone hit me

again I can still hear him"

name: James Watkins

lodge: BartlettLodge 697, Bartlett, TN 38134


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grandlodge: Grand alodge of Tennessee, Nashville, TN

Jed Murphy, who had been working hard all day on his farm, suddenly remembered that he was

scheduled to be initiated at a small rural lodge. Being already quite late in the day, he had no time to go

home and change clothes. Rushing as fast as he could, he arrived at the lodge where another candidate

was sitting on a bench outside the building waiting to receive his EA degree (the lodge building was very

small requiring candidates to wait seated on the bench until the brethren were ready for them.) Jed

knew the other fellow as a used car salesman.

After a few minutes, two men came out and Jed was chosen to go first, leaving the car salesman to wait

his turn.

When Jed was alone in the preparation room (which incidentally was on the second floor directly over

the bench outside), after being instructed how to prepare himself, he suddenly remembered that earlier

in the day he had been castrati

masonic humor

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