marriage message wk3 august13

7/30/2019 Marriage Message Wk3 August13

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Marriage Message #265 - Confrontersvs. Avoiders

"There are as many ways to fight asthere are personalities. Some simmer,some explode, some attack head-on,and others blind-side. But twoopposing familiar styles are what some

call the CONFRONTER and theAVOIDER, or the ATTACKER and theRETREATER. Others label theseapproaches the expressive and thenon-expressive." -Jack and Carole

Mayhall.

That's the subject of this marriagemessage: differing styles of disagreeing.Here's what Chuck and Barb Snydersay about this issue: "Usually the non-expressive (avoider or retreater) personwill want to walk away from conflict,while the expressive (confronter orattacker) wants to talk about it, find


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out what's wrong, and be friends again.Non-expressives do not want to talk

about it, and believe if they don't, it willgo away. They feel if they just let italone, everyone will remain friends."

That of course makes sense to the non-expressive person, but it frustrates the

expressive person to no end and bothare sure they're right in all of this.

So how do we deal with it? That's agood question. It's one that Steve and I

struggled with for many years and stilldo sometimes. At times we forget whatwe've been learning and end upresorting to our old ways, whichusually ends up in frustration until weremember to find ways to compromise --or build bridges of communication. Bythe way, I'm a CONFRONTER whileSteve, by his own admission, is anAVOIDER.


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So, for the rest of this message we'll

educate (or remind) you of the differentways of approaching disagreements --that working together with our differingstyles is the best way to approach thisproblem. Here's what Jack and CaroleMayhall from their book, "Opposites

Attack" (no longer being published) sayabout CONFRONTERS vs. AVOIDERS:

"Whatever you name them, they're easyto identify, and so are their techniques.

The positive aspect of what we'll callthe CONFRONTERS is that conflictissues are brought into the open,talked about, and ideally, workedthrough to a conclusion. Butconfronters want to confront RIGHTNOW --anytime, anywhere --andsometimes their timing is awful.


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"The WITHDRAWER knows that attimes silence is golden because issues

can look monstrous when you're tired,sick, or struggling with other pressingproblems. Sometimes a little distance isall you need to see that the 'Creaturefrom the Black Lagoon' is really just anordinary toad.

"Both types, however, often use unfairtechniques. The CONFRONTER isfrequently an expert at bringing up thepast. One man said, 'When we quarrel,

my wife becomes historical.' 'Don't youmean hysterical?' his friend asked. 'No,I mean historical --she brings upeverything I ever did.'

"CONFRONTERS are also adept athauling in secondary issues: 'And notonly won't you help around the house,

you forgot to pick me up from thehairdresser last week!' They tend to


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exaggerate and intimidate. They mayscream, and even use an 'ultimate'

threat such as, 'Maybe we ought to geta divorce,' or 'You'd like me to commitsuicide, wouldn't you?' Some may alsouse humiliation to intimidate withexaggerated statements such as 'Howcan you be so stupid?'

"WITHDRAWERS have their ownmethods. Obviously, the approach is toduck the confrontation in any waypossible --being too busy to talk,

postponing the discussion, mumbling,'Why don't we talk about this anothertime?' or 'Let's not make a big deal outof this.' When forced, they'll oftensidestep the issue by (1) changing thesubject, (2) interrupting and thus notallowing the other to finish thestatement, (3) crying, or (4)surrendering before the discussion isover. Withdrawers may also refuse to


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talk about it, ignore it, pout, or give thecold shoulder for days on end.

"Both confronters and withdrawers usethe tactic of sarcasm and ridicule. Bothmay be quick to jump to a conclusion,try to read the other's mind, grab theold standbys 'always' and 'never,' or

use cold logic in refusing to deal withhot emotions.

"If both partners are withdrawers, amarriages growth and intimacy are in

great danger. If both are confronters,beware! The ideal seems to be to haveone confronter and one withdrawerwith both being willing to learn fromthe personality of the other. Theconfronter needs to learn timing,peacemaking, and tact. The withdrawerneeds to learn honesty, the ability toshare feelings, and discipline to faceissues as they come up. Why? In order


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to obey God. God tells us to 'speak thetruth in love' (Ephesians 4:15), which is

both an admonition to unlovingconfronters to speak in LOVE, and alsoa command to withdrawers to SPEAK.

"Scripture abounds in instructionsconcerning conflict, such as 'faithful

are the wounds of a friend' (Proverbs27:6); 'admonish one another with allwisdom' (Colossians 3:16); 'keep shortaccounts' (that's my translation ofEcclesiastes 8:11), 'when the sentence

for a crime is not carried out, thehearts of the people are filled withschemes to do wrong'); and 'if yourbrother sins against you, go and showhim his fault' (Matthew 18:15). Thesecommands for all Christians areespecially necessary between husbandsand wives.


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"Some 'Remembers' before you start:Whether we are withdrawers or

confronters, God has established somerules for our behavior in the midst ofconflict. Let me suggest a study in thebook of Proverbs to find your own list,but here are a few principles from theLiving Bible to start you off. Review

them to prepare yourself when youknow you're heading into a conflictsituation:

"Remember to keep your cool. Someone

has said that emotions have to becooled until the fight takes them theform of a problem to be solved. AsProverbs puts it: 'A fool is quick-tempered; a wise man stays cool wheninsulted' (Proverbs 12:16).

"Remember to lower your voice insteadof raising it. 'A soft answer turns away


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wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels'(Proverbs 15:1).

"Remember to think before you speak.'Self-control means controlling thetongue! A quick retort can ruineverything' (Proverbs 13:3).

"Remember to be kind and humble.'Pride leads to arguments; be humble,take advice and become wise' (Proverbs13:10).

"Both confronters and withdrawersneed godly maturity to avoid trying to'win' a battle. Confronters want to winby overpowering the other person; yetGod wouldn't have us be guilty of eitherof us power grabbing. Withdrawers tryto win by silence. Not only must we becareful of our motive in a conflict, butalso we must avoid arguments thataren't allowed to end.


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"...To fight --that's okay. To fight fairly -

-that's growth. But to fight withkindness and love --[considering theother's needs as more important thanour own as told in the Bible] --that'sgrace!"...................................................

We hope you'll decide to find ways toresolve your disagreements as marriagepartners, in partnership with God, sothe heart of Christ is revealed in how

you live together as husband and wife!

Cindy and Steve Wright

marriage message wk3 august13

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