marriage bugs - facs with ms. mennen · divorce bug dear student, hello. i am the divorce bug. i am...

Marriage Bugs

Getting the “BUGS” out

of your marriage!

Divorce BUG

Dear Student,

Hello. I am the Divorce Bug. I am highly contagious and terribly overworked. Its seems that no marriage is completely immune from me…so in attempt to reduce my work load, I’ve developed this presentation on divorce. Please study the information carefully and try some of the treatments.

Thanks,

The Divorce Bug

“Budgetitis”

Definition:– An inability to accept

spouse’s attitude toward money.

Symptoms:– $ primary arguments

– A feeling that spouse is spending you into financial ruin

– Tendency to “surprise” spouse with new items.

“Budgetitis”

Advanced Stages:

– Spend $ to get back at

spouse

– One spouse has complete

control of budget

Treatment:

– Discuss budget & priorities

– Compromise

– Be considerate of spouses

values and background

“Budgetitis”

CAUTION: If irritation

breaks out during

discussion, discontinue

treatment until tempers

cool down, then

increase dosage of

compromise and

understanding.

“Verbal Terminosis”

Definition:– A termination of open and honest communication

between you and your spouse.

Symptoms:– Tendency to watch for double meaning in our

spouse’s statements.

– You and your spouse both complain of being misunderstood.

– Difficulty in verbally expressing your feelings.

– Loss of intimate gestures, eye contact and private jokes only the two of you can understand.

– Increasing difficulty in finding something to discuss with your spouse.


Advanced Stages:– Difficulty in having a conversation which

doesn’t end in an argument.

– Long silences.

– Cannot relax with your spouse…conversation is stilted and repetitive

Treatment:– Have two one-hour discussions per week

without interruptions.

– Avoid accusations or defensive statements.

– Allow equal uninterrupted expressions of thoughts and feelings.

– Exercise understanding, acceptance, and empathy.


CAUTION:

– Highly contagious.

Should be treated at first

sign of infection.

“Perfectomania”

Definition:– Unrealistic expectations for a

perfect marriage and/or a perfect spouse.

Symptoms:– You or your spouse have a

tendency to ignore problems affecting your marriage.

– You expect your spouse to look perfect at all times.

– You or your spouse expect every moment to be romantic.

– You expect your spouse to always be in a good mood.

– You have a feeling your spouse is not giving enough.

“Perfectomania”

Advanced Stages:– You cannot cope with misunderstanding or

disagreement with your spouse.

– You experience increasing disenchantment with your spouse and your marriage.

Treatment:– Plan and have one, two or more

discussions with your spouse as required.

– Apply honesty as you compare your personal expectations with your actual marriage.

– Allow equal expression of thoughts and feelings.

– Exercise a realistic and an open mind as you and your spouse consider ways to make marriage more satisfying. Be realistic.

“Lacko Affectionitis”

Definition:– Lack of affection between you and

your spouse.

Symptoms:– You must always have a special

occasion to give your spouse a gift.

– You have not sincerely said “I Love You” in at least 24 hours.

– You seldom kiss your spouse “hello” or “goodbye” in public or private.

– There is a decreasing use of verbal endearments between you and your spouse.

– You seldom hold your spouse’s hand or display any similar physical affection in public.

“Lacko Affectionitis”

Advanced Stages:– You have never been “caught”

kissing your spouse by your children.

– You consider romance unrealistic.

Treatment:– Make one phone call per day to

your spouse “just to talk.”

– Experience one date per week.

– Evenly apply verbal endearment and physical affection.

– Exercise continuous use of the words “I Love You”

– Plan to spend more meaningful moments together.

“Spouse Modificosis”

Definition:– Obsession with remaking your

spouse.

Symptoms:– You feel uncomfortable with

your spouse’s appearance, habits or personality.

– You have a tendency to point out your spouse’s faults.

– You have not sincerely complimented your spouse recently (24-48 hours).

– You tend to avoid introducing your spouse to friends.


Advanced Stages:– Increasing desire to make biting comments

to and about your spouse.

– As a result of your discomfort with your spouse, you spend less time together. (see: Companion MInusis).

Treatment:– Privately determine why your spouse’s

traits are causing you irritation. NOTE: Don’t be too Critical of your spouse’s faults…it may have been those very faults that kept him/her from getting a better mate.

– Consider how your behavior could be modified to bring out the best in your partner.

– Discuss your problem with your spouse, evenly applying love and support.

– Mix well with suggestions of how you can work together to become your “best selves.”

– Exercise patience, acceptance, and understanding.


CAUTION: Do not

attempt to change your

spouse. You married

your spouse because

you liked them the way

they were. Trying to

change your spouse

will backfire.

“Non Directionalicosis”

Definition:– Deficiency of goals in you marriage.

Symptoms:– Lack of direction in daily

activities…your marriage seems to be going nowhere.

– An increasing restless feeling between you and your spouse.

– You have not discussed the future with your spouse in two months.

– You experience an increasing desire to turn back the clock and have things as they were.

– You sense a realization that you have not accomplished the goals you set when first married.

– You and your spouse have not jointly set goals for your marriage.


Advanced Stages:– You feel a sense of fear when you

think about your children going out on their own and leaving you alone with your spouse.

– There is a feeling of failure and despondency between you and your spouse.

Treatment:– Together, set specific, attainable

goals for your marriage.

– Strive to have daily, as well as long-term, activities which will help you both achieve your goals.

– Exercise consideration and mutual support.


CATUTION:

– DO NOT OVERPLAN.

This too can be

hazardous to the health

of your marriage.

“Companion Minusis”

Definition:– Deficiency in time spent with

spouse.

Symptoms:– You are usually too busy to sit

down and talk with you spouse.

– You are not aware of the current interests of your spouse.

– The two of you have not gone on a “date” in at least a month.

– You are only together when you are with children, family or friends.

– You only participate together in activities which involve family management and/or problems.

Companion Minusis

Advanced Stages:– You and your spouse have not

had a half-hour of uninterrupted companionship in two weeks.

– You have not seen you spouse during waking hours in over a week.

Treatment:– Conduct one planning session

per week with your spouse to systematically schedule the time you will spend together.

– Schedule at least one date per week…NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

Divorce Bug

Good luck keeping your

marriage free of my viruses.

Please, please, please

follow the treatment plans

for these infectious

diseases. My wife and I

would like to take that

Caribbean Cruise we have

been planning sometime

soon!

Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

• It is estimated that about 1/3 of divorces result from high levels of conflict and other serious problems

• 2/3 of couples divorcing say the reason is that “they’ve grown apart.”


A build-up of negativeinteractions(4 Danger Signs)

A failure to nurture thepositives—friendship, fun, and affection


ESCALATION

PUT-DOWN / INVALIDATION

AVOIDANCE / WITHDRAWAL

NEGATIVE INTERPRETATIONS

One negative interaction can wipe out

between five and twenty positive ones.


Skills to Reduce, Stop & Exit Negative Interactions

• Recognize the four danger signs

• Use time-outs to cool down or reflect on actions/decisions

• Know how to complain effectively & raise issues

• Use speaker-listener technique when needed

• Use proper problem-solving techniques, such as compromise, in-depth discussions, and analysis of possible options

• Think about your expectations & discuss with each other


Keeping Love & Friendship Alive

• Maintain your friendship

• Take time to connect—stay in touch with each other

• Make plans for fun, keep having dates

• Give daily appreciations

• Be physically affectionate

• Remind yourself frequently of your partner’s qualities

• Engage in healthy giving to each other

• Be faithful



Benefits of a Healthy Marriage

Married men live, on average, seven years longer than single men.

Both men and women live less risky lives.

Healthy marriage also pays off in better general health—as in less disease and better recovery from illness. Married individuals have better immune systems.

However, high conflict and stress is harmful to health.

Those in healthy marriages have better emotional health than singles and those in unhealthy marriages.

Married couples enjoy higher income and wealth, on average.

Married couples also report more satisfying sex lives, on average, than singles.

marriage bugs - facs with ms. mennen · divorce bug dear student, hello. i am the divorce bug. i am...

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