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WRITING YOURMARRIAGELOVE SONG

§ BY TAMARA A. FACKRELL, J.D. PH.D.

Our great romance is like no other, our love is so uniqueOur hearts entwined with love as kind and loving words we speak

A sacred space, confined to just us twoThe world outside, but my love, a place for only you

As years go by our love deepens, as our love has grownThrough patience and practice and the love we have shown

Love for each other and a deep love for GodWe keep sacred covenants down this path that we’ve trod

The more we share our love, the more there is to shareI share my deepest thoughts with you, your eyes say that you care

Holding hands, that special smile, all the little things you doEnriches my life, my marriage, you know that it is true

§ BY TAMARA A. FACKRELL, J.D. PH.D.

CREATE HARMONY IN YOUR MARRIAGE

The Seven Chords that Enhance the Melody§ A: Successful marriages have an ACTION plan§ B: Successful marriages have Balanced Banter§ C: Successful marriages use Communication§ D: Successful marriage have Dedicated time &

Dates§ E: Successful marriages have Emotional

connection, kindness, and intimacy.§ F: Successful marriages have Faith in God and

Religion as part of their marriage

§ G: Successful marriages have shared vision, dreams and Goals

SONGWRITER’S ACTION PLAN

THE FLATS, SHARPS, AND NATURALS IN MARRIAGE

§ Evaluate how your relationship has gone is the past.

§ SHARPS: The Exciting Times

§ What has gone well?

§ FLATS: Low times

§ What did not go well? How could you change these similar situations in the future.

§ NATURALS: The DUDS (Daily Undeniable Duties and Services)

§ How can you TRANSPOSE your marriage?§ Think of it as a SEPARATE SONG. Your family life is the orchestra. The

love song has to be developed as a duet.

Marriage is a Treasure

BALANCED BANTER:DON’T MAJOR IN MINOR THINGS!

Before you react…count to 10

Evaluate the problem on a scale from 1 to 10

8 to 10: Persuade

4 to 7: Compromise

1 to 3: Let it go!

Why do we focus on the minor things and miss the major notes?What ruins marriages? AAAA

Addictions

Affairs

Avoidance

Anger Management

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MARRIAGE SILENCE:THE LOST LOVE SONG § Habitual Avoidance Ruins Marriages § “We never talk anymore. We figured out

that’s when we do all our fighting.”§ First, make sure the problem isn’t your own

low self esteem (Projection)§ Engage§ Don’t hold grudges§ BEWARE OF GHOST CONFLICTS When you don’t talk to the person and negatively twist their perspective.

§ CREATING LEGATO: Smooth and Flowing Music and Marriage

§ Problem solve calmly.§ Have Rules of Engagement

§ Remain CALM§ Don’t Interrupt: Listen to one Another§ Understand One Another§ Come to a solution§ Take notes and follow through§ Protect your CALM MODE§ Take a break if needed§ Re-engage

§ Timing 6/8: The Jig

§ SHORT MINDED OPTIONS

§ AVOID (UNDER EXPRESS)

§ GET ANGRY (OVER EXPRESS)

§ “WE JUST CAN’T TALK ABOUT ANY PROBLEMS.”

§ GET OUT OF THE RUT!

ABCDE

§ Timing 4/4: The March

§ SOLVE MODE ABCDE

§ ASK: Ask each person to share their perspective. Summarize

§ Brainstorm solutions

§ Choose

§ Do the Plan

§ Examine

ABCDE

§ Timing 3/4: The Waltz

§ Image Option

§ If I could go back in time, what would I do differently? (The Pseudo-Apology and Plan for Future)

Door A: Avoided it

Door B: Taken responsibility

Door C: Counted to 10

Door D: Communicated the change in plan

Door E: Not over reacted

Door F: Come up with a solution

Door G: Done two sessions instead of one

HINDSIGHT IS 20/20

ABCDE

§ Timing 2/4: The Lullaby*

(MOST IMPORTANT FOR MEN TO LEARN)

§ SHARE MODE: Need to be Understood

§ 1. Engager: Identify Share Mode

§ 2. Engager Share Your Feelings

§ 3. Non-Engager then repeats at least a three sentence summary. Repeat feelings words exactly.

§ 4. Non-Engager then asks a question to show a deeper understanding (Who, What, Where, When, Why, How)

§ 5. Engager: Decides on Soft Touch Desired (Hug, Dancing Cuddling, holding hands, soft touch etc.)

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Recycle Your Marital Garbage

The FERMADA: Holding Garbage Longer Than Needed

§Don’t bring yesterday’s garbage into tomorrow

§Recycle the garbage by learning from yesterday’s sorrows and doing better next time

Recycle Your Emotional Garbage

ESTABLISHING YOUR BASIC SCALES§ Don’t internalize emotional hurts

§ Talk them through

§ Have a SHARE session

§ Transcend

§ Don’t bring yesterday’s garbage into tomorrow

§ Dissect the marital garbage by learning from yesterday’s sorrows and do better next time

§ Apologize, Repent, and Forgive

§ Build a system on continued subjects that have disagreement

Communication:Learn to Logicize

§ Take an emotional issues and filter down to a solution-based sentence.

§ First think through the emotion

§ Come up with your perfect solution

§ Express it in one sentence with no emotion

§ Don’t say “I feel”

§ Don’t say “When you did that to me.”

§ You state nothing about the incident

§ Only the solution

§ Example: Husband and Wife got in a big argument. The Husband’s storms off and doesn’t come to bed. Wife goes to bed crying. She is so extremely sad. She wished that her

husband would come back to bed and be close to her.

§ Logicize: “When we fight, I want to you come and cuddle me within 30 minutes. You don’t need to say any thing, this is how you tell me you are sorry.”

ESTABLISHING YOUR BASIC SCALES: LOGICIZE*(MOST IMPORTANT FOR WOMEN TO LEARN)

YOU MUST RE-ENGAGE

§ To prevent marital garbage you must re-engage in the problem to confirm there is no garbage left!

§ Re-engage at a time where there are no angry monsters

§ Get things resolved

§ If you have transcended and do not need re-engagement then let your spouse know. “I’m good now.”

COVENANT MARRIAGES ARE UNIQUE

“It was Joseph Smith who taught me how to prize the endearing relationships of father and mother, husband

and wife; of brother and sister, son and daughter. It was from him that I learned that the wife of my bosom

might be secured to me for time and all eternity; and that the refined sympathies and affections which

endeared us to each other emanated from the fountain of divine eternal love. It was from him that I learned

that we might cultivate these affections, and grow and increase in the same to all eternity; while the result of

our endless union would be an offspring as numerous as the stars of heaven, or the sands of the sea shore. . .I had loved before, but I knew not why. But now I loved—with a pureness—an intensity of elevated, exalted feeling, which would lift my soul from the transitory things of this groveling sphere and expand it as the ocean. I felt that God was my heavenly Father indeed; that Jesus was my brother, and that the wife of my bosom was an immortal, eternal companion; a kind ministering angel, given to me as a comfort, and a crown of glory for ever and ever. In short, I could now love with the spirit and with the understanding also”

(Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1979, pp. 297–98).

The Celest ia l Communicat ion

Pattern:Have Couple

Counci ls

AUGMENT YOUR MUSIC:

THE CELESTIAL COMMUNICATION PATTERN§ BE PROACTIVE:

§ Have couple councils often.

§ “The executive family council is also a good time for wives and husbands to talk about their personal relationships with each other. When Elder Harold B. Lee performed our sealing, he taught us a principle that I believe all couples will find helpful. He said, “Never retire without kneeling together, holding hands, and saying your prayers. Such prayers invite Heavenly Father to counsel us by the power of the Spirit.” (Elder Ballard, Family Councils April 2016).

§ Be Proactive in your Couple Councils….talk about problems before they are problems!

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The Arpeggios of Marr iage

DEDICATED TIME & DATE NIGHTS

§ An Arpeggio is a chord sequences that is repeated and takes turn with the individual notes

§ Wholesome Recreation

§ Take turns planning the date

§ Set aside time, don’t miss it!

§ Plan something big once a quarter

§ Do a Quarterly Retreat§ Secret Sauce to Marriage: 10:2

§ In Music we encourage dissonance, because dissonance ends on a beautiful resolution. Dissonance is only a few notes, not the entire melody.

MARRIAGE TRIADINTIMACY, KINDNESS, &

EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

IKE

§ TRIADS ARE THREE NOTES THAT MAKE A CHORD: IT IS THE

BASIC STRUCTURE OF MARRIAGE:

§ INTIMACY: Regular Intimacy (Thursday & Sunday)

§ KINDNESS

§ “Loving kindness is a common thread in all the exceptional

marriages with which I am acquainted, and it is the remedy

for almost all marital problems. (Marlin K. Jensen, A Union of Love and Understanding. October 1994).

§ EMOTIONAL CONNECTION: Soft Touch & Kind Words

§ THE PROBLEM: Women complained men were disengaged,

didn’t care about their wives’ feelings, and won’t apologize.

(Dr. Daphne de Marneffe Ph.D.)

FAITH IN GOD & RELIGION

MIDDLE C: CHRIST AS THE CENTER OF YOUR MARRIAGE.

§ “If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then

love each other more than their own lives, working together in

total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure,

they are sure to have … great happiness. When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer

together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to

their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste,

mentally and physically, so that their whole thoughts and

desires and loves are all centered in one being, their

companion, and both work together for the upbuilding of the

kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle” (Spencer W. Kimball, “Marriage and Divorce,” in 1976 Devotional Speeches of the Year [1977], 151; or student manual, 172).

H E M I D E M I S E M I Q U A V E RG OA L S

D E V E L O P A M A R R I A G E V I S I O N The Hemidemisemiquaver: The 64th note

§ Quickly established and not forgotten

§ Jake and Tamara Fackrell

§ Mottos:

§ Do the Work.

§ No empty seats.

§ We Are a Show Up Family

§ Pray Hard, Work Hard, Think Hard, Play Hard

§ Fiercely Loyal, Spontaneous, Service-Oriented, Committed to the Gospel of Jesus Christ

LIFETIME GOALS AND DREAMS

§ Spiritual Goals:

§ Go to 100 temples

§ Read the Book of Mormon 20 times as a family

§ Do 1,000 names in the temple

§ Financial:

§ Get completely out of debt, including our home

§ Have a savings of X

§ Have a rental home on the beach in California

§ Physical:

§ Run a marathon (DONE!)

§ Vacation:

§ Visit every continent

§ Visit all 50 states in the United States

§ Go on a tour in the Holy Land

§ Special:§ Sing in the Silent Night Festival in Austria and Germany

THE CRESCENDO: HEART BURSTS!§ Running in the rain (Something Unexpected)

§ Watching the stars: Planets of Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn in one night! (Nature’s Wonders)

§ Kissing at the bottom of the ocean! (Something Grand)

§ Snorkeling holding hands (Something Romantic)

§ Seeing Luis Miguel in concert (Ok…more things romantic)

§ Talking to our Missionary in Argentina (Proud Moment Together)

§ JT Ketchup (Doing Something Nostalgic)

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THE CRESCENDO: HEART BURSTS!§Riding a horse drawn carriage on a railway! (Something New)§Planned dates like the Italia Water Circus (Planned Dates)§Giving Humanitarian Service Together (Service)§Eating my first Jalapeño (New Marriage Goal)§Celebrating the Fourth of July in Gunlock (Traditions)§Having a Staycation Night Away (Overnight Time Alone)§Jake supporting me in my Character Ed Heroes Book Project (Bucket List)§Jake putting his arm around me in the Celestial Room (Spiritual)

7 C h o r d sA B C D E F §Action Plan

§Balanced Banter

§Communication

§Dedicated Time and Dates

§Emotional Connection

§Faith in God

§Goals

Be One§ Verse 1: I have been wondering about the true meaning

§ Of two people being together as one

§ Is it just an ideal or can it be real

§ I’ll tell you what I feel, it’s like a song sung

§ Verse 2: I don’t think being of one heart

§ Means we both sing the same part

§ So let’s both make a fresh start

§ Defining what oneness can be

Chorus:

§ So you sing you, And I’ll sing me

§ When our life song is sung in harmony,

§ That’s oneness to me

§ Michael McLean