Marriage and Family InteractionHPER F258

Kathleen R. Gilbert, Ph.D.

Positive relationship between marital satisfaction and couple’s ability to communicate

Not lack of communication, per se, but the quality of communication◦ Problem if destructive (put-downs, negative

messages)◦ “Quality not quantity”

In your small groups, discuss the following:◦ What are your thoughts on these two

statements: “It is important to be completely honest in a

relationship.” “Sometimes, it’s better to ‘skirt the truth’ than to

be completely honest.”

◦ Is there ever a time when it’s better to be dishonest in a relationship?

◦ How does the relationship recover when a dishonesty is discovered?

Ideas, feelings shared with another person Sent through both channels Consistent vs. mixed messages

◦ Are channels consistent?◦ Can become a power thing (“what do you mean

I’m not clear. You’re always saying that!”)

Person who constructs message and attempts to send it

Generally what we think of as someone communicating

May be intentional or unintentional Arguing with spouse is intentional; children

hearing argument may be unintentional

Person who receives the message sent by the sender

Listener (but more active than that) May be intentional or unintentional receiver If unintentional, may be no way of clarifying

what was meant

In order to send message, must first organize thoughts/gestures/phrasing so that they can be understood by the receiver

Receiver makes sense of message by decoding it into feelings, intentions, and thoughts that mean something to him or her

May be difficult because decoder (listener) filters message through own perceptions and must cope with the filters of the sender and the environment

Two basic forms of information◦ Cognitive Information

“thinking part”◦ Affective Information

“feeling part”

In your small groups discuss article #10, “ New Technologies” What are your thoughts on the use of the internet as a tool for finding dating and mating partners? What might be communication strengths and weaknesses of the internet for this purpose?

Gender differences◦ Males tend to focus on cognitive elements

“Report talk” Focus is on problem solving and on end result More likely to use communication for competition

◦ Females tend to focus on affective elements “Rapport talk” Focus is on the process rather than an outcome More likely to use communication as a tool for

communication or for advancing the relationship

Generational/age differences◦ Power differential is at issue◦ Differences in ability to communicate

May speak different first language Developmental ability to communicate

Normal for children—but remember that elderly may have had stroke or other communication problems

Content – what is communicated Style – how it is communicated

◦ Different colloquial language (slang) Used to create and maintain the separateness

◦ Secret language Can be used to maintain a separation from others

Verbal communication (digital)◦ Think of a digital clock◦ Spoken words◦ Can break it into communication “bits”

Words, phrases◦ What you would see in a transcript of a

conversation◦ What is communicated, not how it is

communicated◦ Only makes up 35% of message (at best)

(Satir)

Non-verbal communication (analogic)◦ Think of an analogue (face) clock◦ body language – the messages you

communicate using your body◦ Paralanguage – tone, phrasing◦ We can only guess at some of this, much is

implied and approximate◦ It is impossible to not communicate

Even silence communicates a message◦ Most affective communication is done

through non-verbal means◦ Because it is non-verbal, it is subject to

misinterpretation◦ How it is communicated, not what is

communicated

Placater -- pleases, apologizes, never disagrees, no matter what

Blamer – fault-finder, dictator, boss who acts superior to others

Computer - very correct, very reasonable, shows no semblance of feelings

Distracter - does or says irrelevant things to whatever anyone else is saying or doing

Leveler - straight-forward communication, no games, verbal and non-verbal communication is in congruence

Discuss the form of communication you saw as you were growing up.◦ Thinking back to your childhood family, do

you recognize any of the functional or dysfunctional communication patterns?

◦ Are there other ways of communicating that you recognize that are not included in Satir’s categories?

Four horsemen don’t indicate the end of the relationship but are warnings

Attacking someone’s personality or character rather than a specific behavior, usually with blame

Often starts with complaining (which can make marriages stronger) bad when it becomes overriding focus of communication or won’t let go of past transgressions (“gunnysacking”)

Intention to insult and psychologically abuse partner, verbal and nonverbal messages are contemptuous.

Includes negative thoughts about partner. Focal point of the relationship becomes

abuse (insults and name calling, hostile humor, mockery, body language)

Both feel victimized by other and neither willing to take responsibility for setting things right.

Both feel innocent, denying responsibility, making excuses, disagreeing with negative mind-reading, “cross-complaining,” repeating themselves

Go from poor communication to shutting down

Conveys a message of disapproval, distance and smugness

Very upsetting for speaker (especially if stonewaller is a male)

In order to compensate for their disproportionate effect, it is necessary to have a ratio of 5 good interaction elements to compensate for 1 negative one◦ Includes verbal and nonverbal elements

E.g., positive expressions, conciliatory gestures, really listening

◦ If it lowers below 5 to 1, there are problems

Hand in to your discussion leader:◦ Identify one point that you found helpful in

this lecture.◦ Identify any point that was unclear.