Years of recession, a boom in break-ups, and the rise of the cohabitee: is marriage still on the cards

for Kent residents? Victoria Chessum investigates...

MARRIAGE

The thought of marriage generally

invokes images of white weddings, an idyllic family home and a happy ever after. In reality, it is merely an option which some people choose to embrace. But with the rising cost of living, are people still considering marriage as a tradition?

There is no doubting that the average wedding of 2013 is different from those of 50 years ago. Some couples like to keep to tradition, and marry in their local church, whilst others choose to invest in overseas locations to wed on the quiet. Wherever the ceremony, it seems that weddings are far from out-dated.

Increase The south-east corner

of Kent saw 4,477 ceremonies take place last year, a surprising increase from 2011 and a significant rise from 2008, the year the country sparked a financial recession.

We are now getting married older, say the National Office of Statistics. The average age for men to get married is 30.8 years, while women are typically aged 28.9 years when they tie the knot. A report from the

Guardian stated that many of the people who are planning to marry this year are said to be already living together.

Marriages today guarantee that most couples already rent or own a property, and are experienced with living together before committing to marriage.

Marriages and their complications can burn holes in the pockets of couples these days, making cohabitation a more appealing option. The recent trend is that partners move in together, carry on with their routines and make their decision in that process.

This was never the case in previous years; marriage was always the first hurdle before even sharing a bed, let alone living together.

Gina Fuller, owner of a riding school in Hawkinge, will be celebrating 30 years of marriage in October. Gina and Mark were eager to marry in their early 20s in order to move out of their family homes. This is now more unheard of in 2013 because of finance issues and the general relaxed approach towards marriage.

Gina reflects on her big day:

“We did have a beautiful wedding but we weren’t worried about the honeymoon, so we saved thousands on the fact we weren’t going away.“The problem these

days is that everyone wants the best, and it is very expensive”, she says. The Fullers were no

ordinary couple who got married for the lavish ceremony and luxury honeymoon.

The newly-weds made their local paper, The Folkestone Herald, in 1983 for carrying on with the construction of their dream home the next day. Gina continues: “I was quite happy to put the money into something that would affect our

future, which obviously it has done; we have had the stables for 30 years and still thoroughly enjoy it.”

‘A lot of it has been because of money problems

and giving up too easily’

Their can-do attitude and positivity has kept the couple close together. Gina believes the key to a happy marriage is working as a team, and sharing the same interests.

She also believes that people are not fighting hard enough to keep their marriages alive, she says: “A lot of people I

know have gone through divorce, but a lot of it has been because of money problems and giving up too easily.”

LOCAL ICONS: Picture from Folkestone Herald

‘Too busy to consider marriage’

Back then, the Fullers were happy to progress with their dream home, as they were eager to create a sustainable living space for the future. Parents and elders strongly believed that marriage came before moving in together, which isn’t so heavily influenced today.

Their son, Tim, who is now 23, has been in a relationship for five years, but because of the expense and the struggle for first time buyers to get a mortgage, he says: “I want to save up really, and at the moment, I’m too busy to even consider marriage.“I definitely want to get

a house or a mortgage of some sort first. A mortgage is hard to get and I want that sorted before I get married.”

DifferentCouples of today couldn’t

be more different. The introduction of dating websites has boomed, and the interaction between social networking and text has allowed that extra freedom in a relationship.

With this in mind, you would think marriages would run a lot smoother. But according to Linda Harrold, a freelance psychiatrist in Folkestone, chat-rooms, social

networking, websites and instant messaging are all huge contributors to failing marriages.

She says: “What I have noticed over the past few years is the introduction of text and other social messaging outlets and how they have become more of a source of dispute between couples with the fall-out from externalised interactions.”

StrainThe recession alone

can be one of many reasons as to why couples feel the strain on their relationships, but with money being so tight, fewer marriages are ending so promptly because of the steep legal fees required in many divorce cases.

The BBC reported in December 2012 that fewer marriages are ending in divorce. They stated: “Latest figures

show that there were 117,558 divorces in England and Wales in 2011, which is down by 1.7 per cent since 2010.”

Beneath the surface of these statistics lies the fact that each couple is different, and while some may still be registered as ‘married’ they could be separated and living apart. This has become the case for Tina and Stuart Waller, a recently separated couple from Hadleigh. After 12 years of marriage, the pair decided to split last year

as they noticed changes in their relationship.Tina says: “We just felt completely knackered all the time as I was a fulltime mum and Stuart was doing building work in the day, and was a bouncer at night. “We lived under the same roof but different lives.”

Moved onThe couple are still

classed as Mr and Mrs Waller, but have moved on with their own lives. They believe their split is now beneficial for them and for their daughter Katie who doesn’t see her parents argue anymore.Tina adds: “We’ve put

Katie first. She sees her daddy most weekends and we still get

on as friends.”The couple are yet to divorce, but feel their new way of life is settled for the time being.

SEPARATED: Stuart and Tina in happier times

Courtesy of Google Images

FREEDOM: Technology as a ‘source for dispute’

‘Too busy to consider marriage’

Tina has met someone new and is expecting a child in May.She says: “This baby is like a fresh start for me, and Michael is going to be more hands on and has been absolutely excellent throughout the pregnancy. I just feel so much happier.”

TemporaryIt comes as no surprise

to the average Brit that these factors can cause divorce. Marriage is essentially for life, but, our modern society suggests that it is merely a temporary commitment, which can be altered or left at the drop of a hat.

Louise van der Velde, a sex therapist who appeared on ITV’s daytime show, This Morning highlighted one of the many opinions

which float around our society. The therapist, who was seen to be rude and obnoxious to the show’s agony aunt, Denise Robertson, described marriage as a ‘prison sentence’ and claimed that ‘marriage is for mugs’.

She believes that people who are in open marriages are much happier, and believes that this is now one of many constructs of the ‘modern times.’

Celebrity influence

Take Kim Kardashian, a worldwide television personality, who tied the knot in August 2011, to only divorce her husband in the following October because things weren’t working out.

Her celebrity influence reinforces the message

that marriage is merely a statement, and not a commitment anymore.

People now have the freedom to embrace marriage, or they can go through life without it. The choice belongs to each individual, and the tradition is no longer sacred like it has been in the past. Divorce, separations and wrecked marriages were once frowned upon, but are now just as regular as marriage itself.

But these issues are not putting Kent’s couples

off, and despite opposing views, and a financially tight bank account, most couples still get together with the view to marry.The cost of an average

wedding this year is just over £18,000, but according to Wedding Belles, the UK’s online guide for brides, they say that there is a general ‘trend in less extravagant weddings’.Another tendency is the rise of brides attending wedding fairs, where venues, bridal shops, florists and other wedding manufacturers open their doors for a day to showcase the latest fashions, and offer large discounts to those booking or ordering on the day.

‘Some popular venues are now

doing more advertising than they did before’

Kent Wedding Fairs is an online directory which produces information for each event, and is a handy tool for navigating the nearest one.

This is what is keeping our marital industry a-float in these economical times.

The Kent Registration team have come to the assumption that people are being more ‘savvy about it’ and are managing to organise and set up their big day on the cheap.

CutbacksAlyn Thomas, a

spokesperson for the team, says: “What we do notice from talking to suppliers is that many of the ‘luxuries’ such as chocolate fountains, magicians etc. are being cut back as couples tighten their belts. “Some popular venues

are now doing more advertising than they did before as they can no longer rely on their reputation or word of mouth to get bookings.”

The Kent Registration team said that last year more couples were choosing cheap alternatives such as registry office weddings, which average on £45 per ceremony. This proves the tradition of marrying is far from dead, in fact it seems more people are ignoring the fact we are in a recession, and making he necessary cut

backs in their planning.

Regardless of the fact people are still marrying,

AVERAGE COSTS:Reception (venue, food and drinks) £4,000The Service £520Entertainment £850Flowers £685Decorations £460Bride’s dress £1,590Hair & beauty £170Groom’s outfit £200Attendants’ outfits £575Photography £905Transport £480Stationary £465Wedding cake £370Rings £630Gifts £205Stag & Hen nights £280Honeymoon & first night hotel £3,400

there is no denying that wedding ceremonies have changed, again, an inevitable fact which will continue as time goes on.

Georgina Cassels, managing editor of Your Kent Wedding magazine, puts this

fact into perspective: “I don’t think marriage

is less popular but it is certainly less traditional.

“For the majority of Brits, marriage is no longer the default, and therefore there is no set formula for why people get married and when. “It is now a choice, rather than an assumption. “It is no longer frowned

upon to co-habit or have children out of wedlock.”

Chelsea Bentley and Thomas Payne, a Folkestone couple have two daughters aged 17 and seven months old. They are a prime example of how traditional matrimony has slipped in our society.Chelsea first fell pregnant

unexpectedly in 2011 when the couple were on the housing list and were lodging at Thomas’s

grandparents’ house.

Chelsea says: “Personally I think marriage would make us more of a family unit because although I know they’re my children as well as my partner’s, having a different surname makes me feel like the odd one out.”

BudgetThe couple are trying to

save for a wedding, and are hoping to budget their big day to £6,500. This is the stand alone price for a Saturday rental at the Old Kent Barn in Swingfield, a newly refurbished venue.

Mrs Payne to-be will be cutting back on luxuries and prioritising what is most important to her family. Initially, they wanted a big wedding, which would have set them back £13,500. But they both agreed

that the most important aspect was to marry in a church amongst family and friends, then go on a last minute honeymoon, to then return for their wedding reception.

Chelsea adds: “After nearly four years together over two engagements, three house moves and

two pregnancies, we feel we’re at the stage of taking the next

step in our relationship, which is marriage.”

Social divideThe Office for National

Statistics (ONS) have released data, claiming that less than half of working class people are married, but marriage levels have risen amongst high income earners. This statement suggests that there is a social divide and pin-points those who are most likely to be worse off in the recession.

The Mail reported that this could be because of traditions which run in family circles, and the ethics which are enforced

upon generations. Professor Les Mayhew of Cass Business School,

told the Mail that, “Stable married households tend to accumulate more wealth, which could be a factor in wealth passing between generations.”

Claire Weener, a partner of the Old Kent Barn wedding venue, says: “We are not the cheapest venue, we tend to encourage or have more couples who have got more money to spend and therefore they tend to be the ones who are more stable in a recession.”This reinforces the reality

that the marriage market has its own ranges, and its own set of potential customers which they hope to attract. Claire for example, feels that the

old stereotype that the

EXPENSE: Old Kent Barn asks couples to pay out £6,500 for a Saturday rental during peak season

YOUNG: marrying to make their family official

bride’s parents fund the wedding is still ongoing.

The Church of England however, states that marriage is ‘gold standard in human relationships’ and still reinforces the traditional path of marriage, no matter what social

class you come under.

‘Last piece in the jigsaw’

A spokesperson for the Church of England told the Mail that: “Marriage is considered by married and unmarried people to be the ‘last piece

in the jigsaw’, ‘final frontier’ and ‘life’s most important decision.”And an important

decision it was for Carey Cahill, a previous Kent University student. The 31 year old decided to work in America to broaden her travelling experiences.

Once she had her Aupair working visa,

Carey became a nanny in New York, where she met her now husband, James, in 2006.

They both started dating, but it wasn’t until Carey’s visa was due to run out, that their relationship started moving at a fast pace. The concept of marriage was suddenly on the cards, and although they both got on well, they knew that getting hitched so soon was premature for the length of time they had been together. Regardless, the couple flew to Las Vegas in 2007 and got married in a very small scale ceremony to declare Carey’s rights to remain in the country.

Wouldn’t last James, who is 22 years

older than Carey already has a family from a previous marriage, and because of such a large age gap and already dismissed any thoughts about starting another family with Carey. The couple knew deep down that their marriage wouldn’t last.

Mr and Mrs Cahill, who have separated, are now dating different people, but are still good friends. Their friendship outshines many rocky marriages, as James still flies over to the UK every year to spend Christmas with Carey and her family back home in Littlehampton.

Carey says: “The deed was done to make sure

I didn’t get deported. “I think it was the right thing to do. I needed to stay in the country for working purposes and James was offering to help me. We didn’t lie to anyone, we were actually dating. But the benefit is I now have a green card, which makes me an official American citizen,” she says.

‘We’re better off as friends’

Carey adds: “We decided to split up last year as I want children of my own, and James feels like he is too old to do that one all over again. “I really want to move

to Connecticut after I’ve completed my masters, and I don’t think James was too keen on the idea. We’re just better off as friends really.”

The couple are still classed as married, and are in no hurry to divorce. In America, taxes are lower for married couples. So until Carey is in a better financial position and is ready to begin a family, the couple intend

to remain man and wife. Carey’s story is a huge

example of how relaxed people are about marriage in this current era. But for some traditionalists, this approach to married life can be seen as a mockery of the system.

LegitimateThe Daily News in New

York last year posted that if the government find out that the marriage isn’t legitimate, the couple can face severe penalties. But, they also stated

that: “If you are married to a U.S. citizen, you don’t have a serious criminal record and you can show sufficient financial support so that you won’t need public assistance, usually you can become a permanent resident.”

However it may seem, Carey and James were in a relationship prior to their marriage, and still sustain a healthy friendship now.

Marriage is a life-long commitment for those who want it. The choice is yours...

GREEN CARD: Carey