marnie the dog: i'm a book
TRANSCRIPT
BeginReadingTableofContents
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InaccordancewiththeU.S.CopyrightActof1976,thescanning,uploading,andelectronicsharingofanypartofthisbookwithoutthepermissionofthepublisherconstituteunlawfulpiracyandtheftoftheauthor’sintellectualproperty.Ifyouwouldliketousematerialfromthebook(otherthanforreviewpurposes),priorwrittenpermissionmustbeobtainedbycontactingthepublisheratpermissions@hbgusa.com.Thankyou
foryoursupportoftheauthor’srights.
Marniededicatesthisbooktodelicioustreats,withoutwhomnoneofthiswouldbepossible,andtoanyonewhohasadoptedahomelessanimal.
INTRODUCTION
As someone who previously neither “owned a pet” nor exhibited anypotentialforabove-averagesocialmediaskills,thisisafunnypositiontobe in, though it is funny regardless. Adopting an elderly dog from ashelterwhowouldgoontohavemillionsoffansisnotachapterIcouldhaveeverenvisioned,muchlessabook.
Ijustwantedadogwhowashopefullykindofcute,notnecessarilythecutest ever, who would keep me company in my lonely life in aManhattan shoebox. Insteadof swiping for creepydates, I browsed forhomelessdogs,whichishowIfoundMarnie—thereweretwophotosofher on PetFinder.com: in one, she was looking straight ahead at thecamera, gazing right at me. In the other, taken a moment later, sheaverted her eyes, as if she had full comprehension of what a cameradoes,andwhythephotowasbeingtaken.Thisdogseemedlikeshehadsomekindofcosmicunderstandingoftheworld.Hertonguesubtlypokedoutofthesideofhermouth.Therewasnotext.Mynewmissionwastofigureouthowtogetthisdog.
ButtherewasnodemandforMarnie.ShewastenyearsoldandwasspendingafourthmonthinadecrepitshelterwhenItookthedayoffworktotakeatrainuptoConnecticuttoseeher.Itwasthedeadofwinter,andoutside the shelter was a row of cages housing large dogs barkingdesperately—thisplacedidnotseemquiteright.Isteppedintotheoffice,whichwas justanextremelysmellykitchen. Ihadbasically justenteredinto a real-life Sarah McLachlan “In the Arms of an Angel” ASPCAcommercial.
Thedogwasahotmess.Shewasfilthy.Oneofhereyeswasgray,and Iwas toldshewouldneversee from itagain.Shehadbeen foundroaming the streets alone, smelly and matted. Her name on thepaperworkwasStinky,whichreallysaysalotconsideringthestateoftheshelter.
At thatpoint, Ididn’t somuchasactivelychoose toadoptStinkyasmuchas I passivelywent alongwith it.Unprompted, the shelter ownerwhippedouttheadoptionpaperworkandshowedmewheretosign.Inapanicked state of consciousness, I became the committed caretaker ofStinky,likemarryingaprobablynicebuthalf-blindstrangerwhowasalsomaybe about to die. I got back on the train to NYC with Stinky. Abusinessmanboarded,lookedatherface,andquipped,“Ooh,ferocious.”ItookherstraighttoPetSmartforadesperatelyneededbath,andthenItookherhome.
For the first month I bought poop bags three rolls at a time. Thethought of having a substantial amount of surplus poop bags if shepassedawayseemedlikeitwouldbetoodepressing.Herheadwastiltedtotheleftandshekeptwalkinginleftcirclesonly,nevertotheright,andthevetsuggested itwaspossibleshehadbraincancer.Wheneversheate, she would have a sneezing fit afterward, and she was alsodiagnosedwith the intestinalwormgiardia.Thankfullyshedidnothavebrain cancer—turned out the head tilt was a residual effect of a briefillness called vestibular syndrome. The rest was solved throughantibioticsanddentalsurgery.
She had to have fourteen decaying teeth removed. That evening,abouttendaysaftertheadoption,Ipickedherupfromthevet,andwhenthedooropened,shecamehappilyrunningtowardme,tonguewagging.ItwasthefirsttimeIfeltlikethisdogandIwereanofficialteam.“Iloveyou!”Itoldher.Ifeltweird,realizingwhatIhadjustsaid,butthenIsaiditagainanditfeltright.Ibegantosayitalot.Wegrewclosequickly,andatMarnie’sinsistence,Iwouldbringheroutwithmefrequently.
ThemostunexpectedpartofMarnie’srecovery,forme,wasnoticingthatheroncegrayeyewasclearingup.Itwassogradual,Ihadn’tevennoticedithappening;butafewmonthsintoourlifetogether,Iwentbackandlookedatoldphotosandrealizedhereyewashealing.
“Can I borrowyour dogandmakeamilliondollars onYouTube?” afriendwroteonmyFacebookpage.“ThisdogcouldbeInternetfamous.”“DoesyourdoghaveanInstagram?”“Thisisthecutestdogever.”
Ididn’t thinkmuchofallof thesecomments Iwas receiving. It’s thetypeofthingyousaytoanyonewithacuteorfunny-lookingdog.Howdoyou even actually make a dog famous? The idea that Marnie wouldsomehowbemoreworthyofclicksthantheotherhundredsofthousands
ofcutedogsontheInternetseemedlikeadelusional,self-centeredidea.OfcourseIthoughtMarniewasthemostadorabledogever,butIfiguredIhadfallenintotheclichéofthinkingyourchildorpetis“thebest.”Okay,fine,whatever,IwillputherontheInternet.ImadeanInstagrampageforher, ©MarnietheDog, uploaded four photos, hashtagged them #dog#dogsofinstagram #shihtzu. I got three followers. This is stupid, Iconcluded, then gave up. It would be nine months before I postedanotherphoto.
I became “funemployed” aftermyweb series forMTV ended, and Ididn’t want to get another job where I couldn’t bring Marnie with me.Marnie isnotademandingdog,but theonethingsheasks isnot tobeleft alone. I had snuck Marnie into the offices at MTV many times,especiallywhenIhadlate-nighteditingsessions,butonedayasecurityguard tappedmeon theshoulder inmycubicleandsaid, “Excuseme,miss,uh,doyouhaveadog?”MarniewasfiredfromViacom,andthreemonthslaterI’dbegone,too.
Ineededtofindajobwherewecouldstaytogether,butIdidn’tknowwhattodo,soIbasicallydidnothingandlivedoffmydwindlingsavings.FormonthsMarnieandIwouldsleepin,goforawalk,thenwe’dgohangout with friends at night (Marnie’s hearing is less sensitive than ahuman’s; she doesn’tmind noise).One night out, unbeknownst tome,someonepostedaphotoofMarnieand taggedherstagnant Instagramaccount,andsuddenlywehadtwohundredfollowers insteadof three. Iliterallyhadnothingbettertodo,soshortlythereafter,onValentine’sDay2014,IpostedanewphototoMarnie’sInstagramaccount.Itwasn’tlongbeforeIbecameaddictedtotherelativelyswiftpaceoftheincominglikesandfollowsfrompeoplewhowerealsoappreciatingthejoysofMarnie.
Twomonthslater,shewasfeaturedonBuzzfeed.Iwaswalkingdownthestreetthenextdaywhenawomanstoppedme.“Excuseme,isthatMarnie?” She asked for a photo. I couldn’t believe it. This seeminglyisolatedincidentoccurredagainaweeklater.“Thatdogisinsta-famous!”thepersonsaid.Andagain.Asuccessionofprominentfeaturesrolledinon Reddit, Vine, and Tumblr, and a YouTube video of Marnie walkingaroundononeofourmanytripstothelocalpharmacywentviral,landingonGoodMorningAmericaandallovertheplace.
Within a year on Instagram, we hit one million followers. WalkingaroundoutsidewithMarnienow is likewalkingaroundwitha celebrity,
andthestrangenessofitallisnotlostoneitherofus.“ImagineifMarnieknewhow famous she is,” people say. I think she knows.Marnie livedelevenyearsofher lifenotbeingacelebrity.Sheknowswhatcamerasare.She knowsher name.She knows thatwhenpeoplewalkingdownthestreetscreamhernameinexcitementthatthisisdifferentthanthoseeleven years before.While there have beenmoments early onwhen IquestionedwhetherallowingMarnieinthelimelightwasagoodchoice—because “stage mom” is not a very well-regarded career path—she isbeyondhappywithherlife,andmostdaysarejustnormaldaysfilledwithleisurely walks and constant companionship. I never have to leaveMarnieforworksinceIhavethankfullybeenabletoturnthisintoajob.
Bythetimethisbookispublished,Marniewillbethirteenyearsold.Ihopewehavemanymoreyears together,but Idon’t take it forgrantedandItrytomakethemostofeachdaywithher.Ifeelgratefultoliveinaworldwheresuchwonderful livingcreaturesarea real thing,andextraluckythatIgettosharemylifewithone.InthepagesthatfollowIhopedtocaptureMarnie’swonderfulspiritandtheloveshehasforlife.Peoplesayadopteddogsmake themost lovingandgratefulpets,and Iwouldsay senior adopted dogs are evenmorewonderful.Marnie knowshowluckysheis,but,ofcourse,thefeelingismutual.
—ShirleyBraha
OTAYHERE’SMYBOOK
Hiit’smeMarnie.Iama13yearoldlady.I’malsoadoghaha.IliveinNYC.
ltimeIdidn’thaveahomeanditwasscaryandIgotsick.DontworryIamotaynow.Thisismeonthe
dayIgotadoptedfromashelter3yearsago.
NowIhaveanapt(thatmeansatinyhouse).I’malsoabook.Hereismybook.
CHAPTER1
THEGR8OUTDOORS
Natureisonfleekhaha.Thatmeansitsgood.
Goingonanadventurebrb
Gusissotall
Welcometomynewhousejklol
Haveagooddayokaybi
Relaxingbytheswamp
Finishedmycardio
CHAPTER2
WORKEXPERIENCE
Jobs?Ilovejobs!
Respectmyauthoritah.Hahalol.Douknowthatjoke?
Yeswearegonnareformeverything.Otaynextquestion
MaybeucanGoogletheinstructions4me
Whereuheaded?Isthereapartythere?Douhaveabae?Whatsurnationality?Whoruvoting4?
I’llsaveu(that’snottruesoplsmakesureursmokedetectorswork)
Ican’ttellumyrealidentitysorry.Otayit’sMarniehaha
WhatsnaxshouldIgiveyou?
CHAPTER3
THINGSTHATMOVETHATIGOINTO
WowIgotshotgun,Ican’tbelieveI’msokewl
Exsqueezemebikelane
CUL8R
Ucan’tmanspreadanymoreitsthelaw
Afreepeanut?Otaytanku
Thisbbhasaturboenginewithhorsepowderandasteeringwheelyay
whenItookthetraininthe90s#tbt
CHAPTER4
HANGINGOUTWITHOTHERPEOPLEWHOAREALSODOGS
Me&Luna.HeyLuna.
Me&Hammy.HisrealnameisHamilton.
Idon’tevenknowthisguy
WaitaminuteSmokeydaLamb,unotadog
CHAPTER5
SNAX4MARNMARN
I’llhavewhatshe’shaving.That’sajokefromamovie.
Thesenoodlesrsolongamirite?
HavingdrinkswithBeanz
Candidbreakfastshot
SweetishMeatballs
SometimesIputbreadonmyheadcauseitsweirdbutinacoolway
CHAPTER6
SPECIALDAYS
OMGI’msosmartnowyay
BRBhave2spreadcheer
D-gBlessMurica
Thisissoromantic
NoI’mnotMarnie.Whodat?HahaFooledyou
CHAPTER7
INMYHOOD(THATMEANSNEIGHBORHOOD)
Chillinbythepier
Where’sMarnie?Try2findme.Keeplooking.
Ijustcalled2sayIloveu
SpendingtimewSimon
Ihopeitdon’trainbcthenIgetwet
CHAPTER8
STIMULATINGTHEECONOMY
HoldonIgottagetcash
Waiting4baeatthemall
Ihopetheyhavemysize
Istheseonestheriteshape4myface?
Gettingready4daclub
Atthemuseum4culture
CHAPTER9
DOMESTICGODDESS
Thatfeelingwhenurnotonthebedbutuwant2b
Relaxinginthekitchenette(thatmeanstinykitchen)
sleepoveratmyfriendshouse
Pajammieddown&ready2sleep.Tanku4readingmybook.Ihopeulearnedalotbi.
ABOUTTHEAUTHOR
ShirleyBrahaisbaeandpersonalassistanttoMarnietheDog,whosheadopted from a shelter in 2012. A graduate of SmithCollege, she hastakenanindefinitebreakfromhercareerasamusictelevisionproducertohangoutwithherdog.TheyresidetogetherinNewYorkCity.
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CONTENTS
CoverTitlePageWelcomeDedicationIntroductionOtayHere’sMyBook
Chapter1:TheGr8Outdoors
Chapter2:WorkExperience
Chapter3:ThingsThatMoveThatIGoInto
Chapter4:HangingOutwithOtherPeopleWhoAreAlsoDogs
Chapter5:Snax4MarnMarn
Chapter6:SpecialDays
Chapter7:InMyHood(ThatMeansNeighborhood)
Chapter8:StimulatingtheEconomy
Chapter9:DomesticGoddess
AbouttheAuthorNewslettersCopyright
Copyright
Copyright©2015byShirleyBrahaCoverdesignbyBrianLemus.CoverphotobyShirleyBraha.Covercopyright©2015byHachetteBookGroup,Inc.
Allrightsreserved.InaccordancewiththeU.S.CopyrightActof1976,thescanning,uploading,andelectronicsharingofanypartofthisbookwithoutthepermissionofthepublisherconstituteunlawfulpiracyandtheftoftheauthor’sintellectualproperty.Ifyouwouldliketousematerialfromthebook(otherthanforreviewpurposes),priorwrittenpermissionmustbeobtainedbycontactingthepublisheratpermissions@hbgusa.com.Thankyouforyoursupportoftheauthor’srights.
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Firstebookedition:October2015
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ISBN978-1-4555-3833-1
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