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Marital therapy concepts

Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. Updated: May 16th 2006

Keeping a marriage healthy and happy over time takes work, and is sometimes quite a difficulttask. It is wonderful when a couple in a troubled relationship is able to recognize and jointly work

out their differences. This process is seldom easy, however. Once problems have started to

become chronic, each partner feels betrayed by the other and compromise feels unsafe. In such

cases, the safe and protected haven offered by a marital or couples therapist can make the

difference between a marriage that fails and one that recovers itself.

Marital Therapy

Marital therapy is probably the best single thing that people in troubled marriages can do to help

heal their marriages. A skilled marriage therapist offers support and intervention that can help

distrusting disengaged partners to safely address their difficulties and begin the process of

problem solving and healing:

Safety. First and foremost, therapists work to provide a trustworthy and safe environment which can

contain and manage couples' anger, frustration and contempt. Therapists remain neutral and do not take

sides. They maintain confidentiality and privacy. They limit angry and hysterical emotional displays. They

promote calm problem solving. In general, they provide a space in which it becomes possible for couples

to step out of defensiveness and work on problems in a productive and rational manner.

Normalization and Reality Testing. Experienced therapists have "seen it all before" and are able to help

couples to understand when their desires and expectations (of each other and/or of themselves),

indiscretions and reactions are normal and when they are unusual, inappropriate or even abusive. Such

feedback from a relatively objective third party can provide a needed reference point which partners can

refer to during their negotiations.

Traffic Control. Conflicted couples often become easily defensive and have difficulty listening to each other.

Therapists function as traffic cops to make sure that partners take turns talking and listening to each

other, no one is shut down and unable to speak and all have a better chance to feel listened to than would

otherwise be possible.

Skills Education. Therapists teach problem solving skills which can help couples gain tools to help them

better address and manage their conflicts. Communication skills help couples to know how to better speak

and listen to each other. Soothing skills help partners to better recognize when they are becoming

defensive, and how to calm themselves so that rational dialog remains possible.

Interpretation. To the extent that the problem appears to be caused by partners' failure to understand one

another, therapists will work hard to promote communication. They teach listening skills, promote sharing

of feelings and desires that may be difficult to express and encourage partners to repeat what their

partners have said so as to demonstrate their comprehension. When necessary, they will interpret

partner's meanings so as to better promote each partner's understanding of the other. Therapists may also

point out relationship patterns that partners may not have been aware of (for instance, if one partner

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attempts to treat the other as a child or as a parent) which could interfere with their ability to relate as

adult partners.

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Marital therapy generally takes place outpatient-style in a therapist's office and is offered once per

week with each session lasting between 60 and 90 minutes. One or two therapists may be present

in the session. When two therapists are present the process is called 'conjoint' therapy. The

number of therapy sessions will vary according to the severity of the presented problems, the

therapist's training and technique, and (unfortunately) the couple's ability to pay for services.

Many insurance plans will provide partial coverage for marital therapy. Although some therapists

will suggest that significant change can be made in one or two sessions, it is more likely that

between 8 to 12 sessions will be required before significant and lasting change might realistically

occur. On the other end of the spectrum, therapies that last for more than a year or so without

producing results are not likely to produce results. In such cases, troubled couples might consider

working with a different therapist with a different approach, or to rethink the viability of their

marriage.

During sessions of marital therapy, therapists help couples to work through their difficulties which

may include estrangement and loss of loving feelings, communication problems, affairs,

mismatched expectations, and competitive struggles to determine whose vision and goals will

dominate. Couples that have the best chance for recovery are those who are both motivated to

keep their marriage alive. Couples who arrive at martial therapy with one or more partners

ambivalent with regard to whether to remain committed to the marriage, whose problems are

more severe or are characterized by more disengagement, or who are unwilling or unable to

compromise are less likely to successfully work things out. Couples who arrive at therapy with one

of the partners already emotionally disengaged from the other may be beyond help.

Important site:- http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=9461&cn=289

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