INTRODUCTION

What Is Marriage

Marriage is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture.Marriage practices are very diverse across cultures.Marriage is an institution that is historically filled with restrictions. From age, to race, to social status, and to gender etc.

History of Marital Counselling

Marriage counseling originated in Germany in the 1920.The first institutes for marriage counseling in the USA began in the 1930s which was promoted by Paul Popenoe and Robert Latou Dickinson 1931 the first marital therapy paper was published.

What Is Marital Counselling

• Marriage counselling is a type of psychotherapy for a married couple or established partners that try to resolve problems in the relationship.

• Marital Issues Physical

• Psychological

Physical issues:-

Sexual Dissatisfaction

Physical Appearance of Partner

Physical Abuse by the Partner

• Psychological Issues: - Different Conflicts (that emerges due to Lack of Communication and different pattern of behaviour of individuals.)

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Effects of Lack of Communication and Individual’s Pattern of Behaviour:-

• Constant Arguments

• Unfulfilled Emotional Needs (if partner is introvert, he/she will have difficulty in expressing.)

• Financial Disagreement

• In-Law Trouble (may be because of in-law pressures and expectations also as marriage does not happen only between two individuals but family also get involve it.)

• Lack of Trust. (Transparency will be less with the lack of communication.)

• Conflicts about Children (for instance, blaming the partner for the failure of the child or his/her mischief’s.)

• Domineering Spouse (pattern of behaviour, as some people are like to take the lead always and have the feeling of superiority also such people likes to dominate others if any of the partner have this tendency then it may affect the relationship) )

Counselling Application:-

Why Marriage Counselling:-

• Marriage Counselling deals with the pain in the marriage.• Marriage Counselling helps in working at both the levels - at the individual level and at the marriage as a whole. • Marriage Counselling helps in the couple to act so as to establish a balance in the relationship

• Marriage Counselling helps in checking certain irrational assumptions that are detrimental to the marriage. • Marriage Counselling helps the couples to act jointly in nurturing the relationship, thereby making a fast recovery. • Marriage Counselling helps in gradually making sense to the couple instead of just the individual even when either the husband or the wife approaches.

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Role of Counsellor

• Provide a confidential dialogue, which normalizes feelings.

• To enable each person to be heard and to hear themselves.

• Provide a mirror with expertise to reflect the relationship's difficulties and the potential and direction for change.

• Empower the relationship to take control of its own destiny and make vital decisions.

Dealing with Couples:-

Most importantly the counselor should listen each of the partner unbiased and without taking side of anyone.

• Respect

• Genuineness

• Concreteness

• Empathy

• Advanced Accurate Empathy (finding “story behind the story”)

• Caring Confrontation(their self limiting beliefs)

• Identifying their “Ego-States”(Either or both partners may tend to operate from "Critical Parent ego state" - in which they condemn and damn, and shout at, their partner, and/or try to control them, just like some parent figure from their past used to do with them or with some another person(s) in their family.)

• Alternative Frame of Reference.

• Brainstorming

• Action plan (should be SMART.)

• Action implementation (deals with how, who, what, when.)

• Feedback time.

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Dealing the Issues of the Couples:-

• By teaching them “communication skills” (expressing, listening, responding and reacting.)

• Making aware of responding in relation to “Ego-States” in different situations.

• Making aware about responding more Understanding and Supportive way to the partner.

• Each person would identify what behaviours they wanted to get from the other, Counsellor would help couple to write a contract for the exchange of desired behaviours.

• Help them in creating a good enough relationship with their in-laws. Making aware with the skills to live in a new family system. It is important to acquire these skills not only for the girl but also for the boy. The new couple need to be well placed in the families of both the sides.

• Help both the partners explore and understand each other’s concepts of money. Gradually helped to move towards a mutually comfortable stand where both accommodate each other’s concepts. Then they are provided help in finding a common route towards use of money. The couple needs to learn to take responsibility towards making a right balance.

• In providing empowering environments where couple can comfortable discuss the present stage of their sex life as team partners. They are promoted to jointly evolve a step by step action based strategy to rekindle the passion back in their sex life.

• To identify the underlying insecurities that result in mistrust. The process includes study of the expectation set of the couple.

• For infidelity counsellor try to make a firm effort in bringing life back in the relationship. It is also important to identify the gaps in the relationship and helps couples to kick-start a fresh with full commitment.

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• Most importantly as Marriage is Cultural Sensitive so, the counselling should be done considering the cultural background of the clients.

CASE STUDY: - I have a family friend whose daughter got married with a boy who used to work with her it was an arrange marriage. For 5-6 months they were very happy but later they started feeling some problems in their marriage as that girl realized that the husband is very careless and forgetful whereas she was perfectionist, the fight started between them by small issues like husband forgetting to pay electricity bills, phone bills and later changed into big fights. On the other hand, her husband used to complain saying she is very hyper and they started blaming each other for small-small problems and all the arguments started saying you are short tempered and rude other saying you are forgetful always. After sometimes they girl realized that they cannot be together and she came back to her parents then, their parents tried to settle up the matter one of her aunty took the responsibility to make them understand so, she listened issues each of them were having with each other and then made them sit together asked girl to understand and told her to start managing some of the things that her husband forgets and asked her husband also to avoid arguing when she is hyper and also told them that no one is perfect in the world we all have some or the other drawbacks but life is all about adjusting and accepting our self and others the way they are this is the true mantra of the marriage and now they are living happily together.

Impact of Marital Counselling

• Marriage Counselling helps the couples to know what the interruptions in their process of connection are. When the couples work towards removing the interruptions, they get into a mode of turning towards each other. They learn to live a new life with each other. This requires effort. Initially the effort has to be put consciously, but with time, this new way becomes a part of life. And this changed course takes the relationship on a positive upward spiral. Marriage counselling helps couples to imbibe positive approach towards relationship. The couples also see the advantages of walking on this new path.

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Key to Successful Marriage

1. Feel free to express your emotions to each other

2. Try to accept your own selves and also each other

3. Give and take feedback from each other in a healthy manner for a constructive cause.

4. Tell each other what you hope, fear, expect.

5. Agree to disagree.

6. Make choices.

7. Liberate yourself from the disturbing events of the past.

• Contribution:-

Helped to understand the core issues in marriage life.

The counselling application in resolving the problems of couples.

Helped to understand the ways of maintaining a happy and a happy married life.

• Limitation:-

Being an unmarried it’s difficult to relate to myself.

Need expertise for being a “marital counsellor”

It’s a Time-Consuming process that usually takes 12-24 sessions

Holistic Model of a married person:-

Physically: - As a physical expression of love, sex experience forms a bond which ties the whole partnership living into one. Complete physical unity, when it represents marital harmony, becomes a vital source of sustained happiness and mutual respect. In addition to procreation, sex experience has other functions in which the husband and wife express to one another their exclusive and mutual love. When it is an act of mutual agreement and

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enjoyment, it becomes a symbol of success, a means of deepening love, and a perpetual source of marital happiness. Also the couple with happy married life along with healthy and safe sexual life can be seen with the improvement in their health status, negative physical symptoms decreases and positive behaviour increases. A good married relationship seems to be related with decreased risk of health problems.

Social: - The marriage is not only the union of two persons but it is a union of two different people. With the marriage couples get to know more about others including their extended families and friends and their social network expands.

Psychological: - The marriage is the union of two individuals where each of the individual is full of needs and desires and fears and one of the important fear in human being is the fear of never being whole whereas marriage brings the wholeness in individual and help them to win over the fear of not being whole also with the affection and support of the partner starts the new motivational

system in person.

Spiritual: - The spiritual aspects of marriage are deeply implied by requiring all marital unions to be effected "in the Lord." The relationship between husband and wife is to be a living symbol of the relationship with GOD the integrating forces of GOD’s faith and living have a vital bearing on the marriage relationship. In addition to personality adjustment and physical compatibility, the husband and wife need equal assurance of spiritual affinities. The strongest elements in marital unity are those derived from satisfactory spiritual experience. Marriage is essentially a divine union and therefore finds the genius of its nature in the LORD’s ideal.

Conclusion: - The marital counselling is time consuming processes that needs an expertise and even the counsellor should be careful in dealing the issues of married couples while marital counselling as it’s a cultural sensitive issue along with that the counsellor should listen both the partner unbiased without taking sides with genuiness and respect towards them.

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PAPER PRESENTATION

“MARITAL COUNSELLING”

(Date- 22/11/2010)

References:-

• Saxton (1968), The Individual, Marriage and the Family, Inc. Belmont California, Wadsworth Publishing Company.

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• Paul H. Landis (1965) Making the Most of Marriage, New York, Division of Meredith Publishing Company.

• Dr. Vijay Nagaswami (2002) Courtship & Marriage “A Guide for Indian Couples”, India, New Delhi, Penguine Books.

• Worthington (1996) Christian Marital Counselling 8 Approaches to Helping Couples, India, Secunderabad, OM Books.

• http://abc-counselling.com/id131.html

• http://marriage.about.com/od/difficultissues/Coping_with_Money_Inlaws_Chores_Religion_Other_Marriage_Issues.htm

• http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=9461&cn=289

• http://abc-counselling.com/id131.html

• http://www.enotes.com/medicine-encyclopedia/marriage-counseling

• http://themarriagecounselingblog.com/

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